Original subtitles

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

- 2...

1.

- Bea?

Sorry it took so long,

I got stuck doing a batch for the hospital.

- Nails like red fish in black water.

Red nails, crushed Cranberries.

Blood red nails from pomegranates.

Orange red nails like a traffic cone.

Red nails from the velvet curtain

falls at the orchestra...

- Following yesterday's invasion of Kuwait

by Saddam Hussein's Iraqi forces...

- We will also destroy

his chemical weapons facilities.

- They'll bring you live coverage 24 hours...

- Red fish in black water,

red nails, crushed Cranberries,

blood red nails, pomegranates.

- There.

- It's not very big, beatty.

- They put my name in. See my name?

- It doesn't look like a red deer.

- It's a newspaper photo.

The headline says it's a red deer.

- But why should anyone believe it, beatty?

Why should anyone believe it's a red deer

if it's in black and white?

- Beatrice?

Here's your father's prescription.

Sorry it took so long.

I got stuck doing a batch for the hospital.

- That's okay.

- So how's he doing now?

- He's okay, you know.

He's not doing great.

He's been really having trouble getting his sleep.

- There you go.

Take care now.

- 49.70.

Excuse me?

Every time he comes in,

it's a different handkerchief.

It's a code, right?

- What's that thing on the back of his head?

- I don't know. I'm not the doctor.

- Right.

- Look, I wouldn't worry about him if I was you.

- Sorry?

- He's a fag.

He's got aids.

The way he's losing weight,

he's probably got six months.

- Hey.

Where's myra got to?

- Check it out.

That American guy, Stanley what's his face,

has to leave today.

He runs right up to the counter

and pins that ribbon right on her boob

in front of the customers.

His hand was shaking so hard,

I thought he'd stab her.

- Shipping out, eh?

- Daisy better not catch her.

- Hi, myra.

- Hey.

Check this out.

He says I have to wear it till he gets back.

- It's nice, myra.

- It's not nice, bea. It's polyester.

I told him I don't know what you're thinking,

but that isn't what I'd call an engagement ring.

- It's sweet, though.

- It's not sweet.

He could be gone for months.

He might have to fight.

- Next Monday, you and your sweetie

have got to trot your lips down

to the world's biggest kiss-a-thon

and help put sarnia on the love map.

We've got three lips registered from central tech,

22 from lake huron oil, one from sunolo,

and a whopping 72 pairs of eager lips

from the shift at Petro-chem united.

We've got 25 lips so far coming from Michigan,

and we want more,

because it's all the same:

American lips, Canadian lips,

ha ha, martian lips.

We're going to break the world's record.

The world's biggest kiss-a-thon doesn't care...

- Well, that's great.

Do you have that one already?

I think sometimes your Uncle forgets you're nearly 18.

Hmm. "Please get well soon."

Well, you can phone your Uncle Kenny tomorrow

and thank him.

- Television crews are arriving by the boatload,

armed with state-of-the-art broadcast cameras

and portable satellite uplinks.

This will be the first war in history

to be televised live as it happens.

- He'll be okay, myra.

- We have said from the start

that if attacked...

- My mom told me not to date Americans.

- Journalists have been divided into media pools

by general schwarzkopf's press attaché

and are briefed twice daily,

often by stormin' Norman himself.

- He's going to get himself gassed.

- This morning, it says he may be...

- I know what it says.

- We're well in control of the sky.

- Henry, you can't throw your toys around.

Your dad's going to have a fit when he finds out.

- You okay?

- I'm okay.

- Don't move. Just lie back.

- Let me go.

- I could drive you to the hospital.

- No, leave now.

- But you should rest. You fell pretty hard.

You could be in shock.

- Are you finished?

- You dropped this.

- What?

It's not mine.

- You dropped it outside Monroe's.

- Is that it now?

Is there anything else?

- No.

No, there's nothing.

- I haven't been to Monroe's since Thursday.

- Yeah. I noticed you

'cause you took that nap in your car.

I just work across the street at Harry's.

- You followed me?

- Your address is on your aids medicine.

I respect your privacy. It's none of my business.

- What?

- I know you're gay.

I know you have aids.

I respect that.

I won't bother you ever again.

- Fuck you, lady.

- I'm so sorry.

I guess it's just the shock of him dying.

Oh, yeah, no, I know Dr. vartikis just...

You know, I've been picking up dad's pills for so long,

it's just automatic that way.

Yeah, I know I will.

Yeah, uh...

I can't, actually,

'cause I flushed them all down the toilet when I realized.

Yeah, sounds like it.

I don't know why I do anything, eh?

No, no, of course it won't happen again.

Okay. Thanks a lot for calling, Dr. vartikis.

All right. Bye.

- 10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

- I'm not gay.

I'm not gay.

- I'm sorry. You don't have to...

- I'm not gay.

- I'll leave you alone now.

- I'm not gay.

- I'm sorry.

Oh.

- I'm not gay.

- It was the girl at Monroe's.

- Why would she say something like that?

- I don't know.

'Cause of your hair...

I mean your head.

She told me you got six months.

- She says that?

It's called alopecia universalis.

- What is?

- My head.

Most have got a mild form of it,

but I pass out if I don't take my medication.

- It'll never grow back?

- Never.

- I think it's sexy.

- Cunt.

You're such a cunt.

- Hank.

- Stop it. You just better be quiet.

I don't want to hear any more of your garbage.

- Are you going to drink that?

- I am drinking it.

- The lid is still on the cup, Hank.

Are your hands bothering you again?

- There's nothing wrong with my hands.

- I guess if you call arthritis nothing.

They sure look swollen to me.

I don't why you waste a perfectly good cup of coffee

just to hold it in your hands.

- Well, heat makes my hands feel better.

- I thought you said

that there was nothing wrong with them.

- You want me to throw this in your face?

Just shut up.

- I told you this is the wrong way.

Where's the map? Where?

- I don't need the map.

- You didn't bring the map.

- Shit!

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

- Shh, shh. Welcome.

Shh. Stan's asleep.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Myra, you look great.

That's a new hairdo, isn't it?

- Oh, I guess it's new.

I get a new one any chance I get.

- It used to be smaller?

- Like my ass.

- Jesus, myra, it has been forever.

- And you're a bald eagle now.

An old bald eagle.

Oh, and, bea,

you still have the most beautiful hair I've ever seen.

- I told her that she should dye it,

but she doesn't take any pride in her appearance,

so she just lets it go.

- Hank would love a cup of coffee.

Hank loves coffee.

- I just made a pot half an hour ago.

Come on. Don't mind the mess.

Remember, Stan's asleep.

- That sure hit the spot.

- How's work, Hank?

- It's not so much work as it a desk.

- It's not a desk. It's a check.

- From what I hear, it's a pretty big one.

- I wouldn't know about that.

Hank never lets me touch the money.

- She doesn't have to touch it to spend it, does she?

- Bea, that's a lovely scarf.

Did your husband give it to you?

- No.

Yours did.

- What?

- Oh, I don't remember where I got it, myra.

- I gave you the scarf.

- No, you didn't. It was my mother's.

Hank, I dropped a Bobby pin

right over there by your foot.

Could you pick it up for me?

- Jesus, you guys.

- Superman helps every man out.

Superior, huron, erie, Ontario, Michigan.

- Mommy very early made jelly sandwiches

under no protest.

Mercury, Venus, earth, Mars,

Jupiter, saturn, uranus, Neptune, pluto.

- Nine eggs smell weird.

- Never eat soggy wieners.

- My parents sure as hell aren't like that.

- Nobody was like my parents.

They married straight out of high school,

but they didn't have me till they were 40,

and, even then, I think they hadn't planned it.

I know they hadn't.

You know why?

Three's a crowd.

- That's awful.

- I didn't resent them.

Well, maybe I did.

They were living inside this grand romance.

I guess that was my job, just watching their love.

See? She frowns, she smiles.

She frowns, she smiles.

Hmm?

It doesn't work so good with George.

- I think I take after my parents.

- Not me.

All I really got from them was the house,

the house and her hair.

- We shouldn't be going out.

- Why not?

- I'm younger than you.

- I love you.

- I don't love you, okay?

- Liar.

- I don't, Beatrice. I can't.

- Liar.

- What the hell's going on here?

Lady, you want me to call the cops?

- There's nothing wrong.

It's just that he loves me.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

we will now put the draft resolution...

- What'd the doctor say?

- Oh, you know doctors.

They can't pin it down one way or the other.

'Cause he worked at sunolo for years,

they say it could be that just as well as the war.

- Well, this air up here

must be good for his breathing.

- Maybe. It's good for his yelling.

- He sure had a good set of pipes.

- It's been lonely, Hank.

No one to yell at but me and the deer.

- Hey, bea, you look good.

As far as I can tell,

you're looking good all over.

Thank you.

It's good to be here, Stan.

- I'm glad you came up, bea.

I'm grateful.

I'd have sure hated to miss you.

- Yeah.

- 20 years ago,

we were the only people around here for Miles.

Now this is the last piece of land left.

- You're damn lucky, myra,

waking up to all this every morning.

- You get used to it.

- I never realized it could be this beautiful.

- I guess I like it.

Stan says it's a good place to die.

- Now I can't see nothing but shadows,

shapes, mostly shadows.

I haven't got a clue what tomorrow looks like.

Every time I wake up,

I don't know if I'm dead or just dying.

- Is there anything you need, Stan?

- No, no, no, no.

I don't need nothing.

Dying's easy.

It's simple.

It's...

- It's what? What, Stan? What is it?

- It's getting to the end

and not being able to remember the fucking middle.

It's getting stuck

and then figuring out you've always been stuck.

It's realizing what a fucking waste it's been.

- Doctors say there's two scenarios.

They never know which one it'll be

until they cut into his brain...

His skull.

He hasn't told you, has he?

- Of course he's told me.

- Sometimes the tumor has spread all over,

and the invading cells have destroyed everything.

They cut out as much as they can,

but they have to keep going in again and again.

Dr. Mitchell calls these rescue missions.

Sometimes the cancer...

The tumor is completely self-contained.

They can just pop it out like an egg.

Of course, the chances of that happening are so slim,

that they...

Well...

Either way, of course,

it's the operation that's the biggest risk.

Dr. Mitchell says it's a little bit like...

Shooting a bullet into the back of Henry's head

and then trying to stop it before it goes too far.

- Beatrice.

- Beatrice, he's gone to sleep.

- 10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

5, 4, 3...

- And Stan says the only fighting they've been doing far

is who gets chocolate bars

and who gets chocolate pudding for dessert,

and then he goes into this big security routine

saying he can't tell me where they are

'cause it's so top secret.

So I let him go on, right?

And then I go to him, oh, really?

That's funny, 'cause wasn't that your ship

I saw last night on CNN?

- Stan was on TV? That's 9.25, please.

- No. - Here you go.

- Not Stan, just a bunch of soldiers doing drills,

but I know it was his boat

'cause he's in the first mechanized.

They're in the Gulf of Oman doing drills.

- Where's that?

- It's near Oman.

Jesus, don't you watch the news?

- We should...

Can we talk to...

- No, not yet.

- No, don't. Don't be mad.

Don't be mad. - Ah, shit.

- I've never had sex before.

- Oh.

- The operation's in two weeks.

- I know.

I know.

- I think about it every day,

and I'm going to die a virgin.

Pretty dumb, eh?

- It's not dumb.

- I'm not asking for a charity fuck.

- Listen...

- I don't know. I should just go to a prostitute.

- Henry, I love you.

I want to give you this...

This to you more than anything.

What do I do with it?

What will I do when you're gone?

To have you inside me

and then never have you inside me again?

I don't know if I could stand that.

- I don't know if I might explode.

- Now, I know you've been practicing.

Everywhere I've been in the past two weeks,

I've seen you practicing.

When you guys decide to break a world record,

you take your practicing seriously.

- Hey, check it out.

- Hey, Tony.

Last night in centennial park,

I saw Tony doing a bit of practicing,

and who was that lovely redhead

that you were practicing with, Tony?

Because it sure didn't look like Claire.

- Stan is 8,000 Miles away.

Stan wouldn't mind.

I just, I don't want to miss out on all the fun.

- 10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

- The night before your operation, Henry...

I'll have sex with you.

We'll make it the best ever,

and it'll last forever and ever.

- Hello?

- Hi, David. It's mom.

- Hi.

- Am I calling too late?

- It's midnight.

- Well, I called Susan.

She's not home.

The machine was on.

- How's dad?

- Oh, same, same.

He's talking about retiring again.

- How are you?

- I'm, uh...

I'm making popcorn. Yeah, yeah.

You know, your dad,

he really missed seeing you this spring.

- Well, I couldn't get a minute.

The deadline was a killer.

- I know.

I'll tell him.

- Tell him to call.

- I will.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Ahh. Ow.

- Does it hurt?

- It hurts.

- When I stop the chemo, it started growing back.

- It doesn't hurt too much.

- Jeez, I'm sorry.

- Your hair...

What color is it?

- Blond.

It used to go blonder in the summer.

- Blonder in the summer.

It's a sign of hope.

You hair coming back.

- It's not.

- It's hope.

- Don't you know hair keeps growing after you die?

- I thought that the reverend

did a real nice job with the eulogy, myra.

- "One forever young at heart."

Oh, yeah.

Stan was about as young as t-Rex.

- It'll be all right, myra.

- That's better.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

What?

Oh, Jesus, what I am doing?

- Myra?

- I'm such a wreck.

I'm just a goddamned mess. - Myra.

- Can you guess how much this cost?

Well, it cost too much

for me to be wasting a cigarette,

I can tell you that.

- You know, myra...

- Oh, God, to see all these deaths.

I just wanted God to keep him alive.

- Me and bea, we talked about that.

- He talked.

- Thank God for the goddamned v.A.

At least the service was free.

- You know the piece of land right next to the trailer?

We want to buy it.

- He wants.

- Hank, you don't need to do that.

- We can help with the bills.

It's time that bea and I retired anyway.

- What do you mean?

- I already bought it.

- Myra.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, Christ.

Oh, God. - Myra.

- You're a little late.

- Pull yourself together, Beatrice.

You can't go into him like that.

- What does it matter?

- The doctors say it's a miracle.

The operation was 100% successful.

- But...

- No buts, bea.

He's going to live till he's 100.

- Do you still love me?

- Of course I still love you.

- Jesus, the logs look great, don't they?

Can you believe they've got along this far, bea?

They must be at least two weeks ahead of schedule.

Why don't we pull up and say hello to the foreman?

- Jesus, you guys.

You're really moving along here, aren't you? That's great.

- Hey, Hank, shouldn't you be carrying her

across the threshold?

- Hey, hanky panky.

I started the party early.

- Oh. -

- Look at all the color in those cheeks.

- I go walking in the woods every morning.

- That's what I'd like to start doing.

- Looking for deer, all this free time.

- Ah.

- Free time.

- We can do it every morning, myra.

Maybe I'll even lose a few of these pounds.

- I'll make you a drink.

- Make it a double. Where's bea?

- Oh, she's dealing with the furniture.

- What the fuck is this?

- Oy. Hank.

Those movers of yours were really pissed off

when they got to the storage locker

and you didn't have a booking.

- We had a booking.

- No, they said everything was full up.

They called all over town,

and they couldn't find storage space anywhere.

- We had a booking.

- They were here, and you weren't.

They said they had a job at 5:00.

I couldn't stop them.

- Bea made the booking.

- That's right. Bea made the booking.

- You told me that you were going to handle this.

- I made the reservation.

They said it was fine.

- Well, where is the confirmation?

You said that you were going to handle this.

Who did you speak to?

- Bob or was it John?

I don't remember.

It was all done over the phone.

- Bob or John? - Mmm.

This takes the fucking cake.

- Relentless assault on Baghdad,

averaging 2,000 sorties per day.

Saddam's unaided governmental troops

proved to be no match for the sophistication

of the coalition's high tech weaponry.

Superior aerial mapping ensures

that U.S. bombers can pinpoint their targets

with 95% accuracy.

For the first time cameras attached to bombs

can deliver a graphic picture

seconds before impact.

At night, outfitted with night vision goggles

and the latest in infrared sensors,

the coalition's advantage increases one hundred fold.

Colin Powell boasted proudly yesterday,

this is the cleanest war I've ever seen.

We can see them perfectly,

and they can't see us at all.

- Put me down. I'm way too heavy.

- You ain't heavy, you're my husband.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey.

- Whoo.

- Don't be nervous, okay?

Everything's going to be fine, all right?

- Good morning, Uncle Ken.

- Hey, Henry.

Rule one, everyone calls me the old man around here.

- Hey, Miller, come over and say hello to Henry.

He's my new right-hand guy.

- Henry.

- Honey, you're going to pull out before you...

I guess that would be a no.

- Hey.

- Hey, little lady.

- Hi.

- What's up?

- Washer's on the Fritz.

- The mortgage is late,

and they disconnected the phone again.

- Well, that's okay.

We'll just get it reconnected when I get paid.

- My dad always took care of these things.

- I thought it was always you took care of him.

- Yeah, well, he did the money, I did the house.

- He got the deal.

- It's weird.

I'm forgetting him.

Took care of him for seven years,

and now I couldn't tell you his shoe size or his waist.

He's fading.

You know what?

I'm lying.

It's 8 1/2, 42.

-

You're such a weirdo.

- You got a brown moon sitting in a white lake.

- What about me?

- 9, 27.

At least it was.

Looks like I'm putting some meat on your bones.

Your mom dropped by again.

- I'm going to go take a shower.

- Kitchen, basement, bathroom,

upstairs master bathroom.

Upstairs bathroom,

downstairs bathroom.

Bar.

Here, Mr. interior decorator, give me that.

- I never saw a log cabin with so many bathrooms.

Susan and the kid, are they going to come up here soon?

- Susan's got three kids now.

- Three? Jeez.

What are they like?

- I don't know.

- Oh, come again.

- Too busy to visit.

We were going to go up there and be with them,

but then she said it wasn't the right time to come

because her husband's got a new job.

- She's a bitch for not bringing them.

- Well, let's face it.

She doesn't like us.

Neither does David.

Myra, our kids don't like us.

- What did you ever do to them, I'd like to know?

You and bea were good parents.

I watched you raise them.

- Well, I never hit them, never abused them.

We didn't give them everything,

but we did the best we could.

- Exactly.

- There was one thing.

We made them watch.

- Watch?

- Must've really been something,

watching two people learn to hate each other.

Must have been quite a show.

- Why, Hank?

- Well, for no reason at all.

Because that's the way that we do things.

- Oh.

- Just like old times, Hank, eh?

- What do you mean?

- You remember fucking me on this couch

a few weeks after my miscarriage.

- Bea.

- Or... do you remember your mother

sitting on this couch

telling me to divorce you?

No, of course not.

You weren't here.

You were at the bar.

- Bea.

- Not bea, Hank.

Tea, Hank.

Tea, Hank?

- Bea, leave me.

- Oh, I believe you, Hank, believe me.

- Leave me, bea.

- Leave me, bea.

- You keeping yourself chaste

while your man's away, myra?

- You bet. True blue.

- Your eye never wanders?

- Well, I had a few offers.

- Well, yeah, what's the point of being chaste

if you ain't being chased?

- I bet you like the hunt, pearl.

- The only thing better

than a man nosing after your trail

is when you let him catch you.

- Arf, arf, arf.

- They're not all dogs, myra.

- Well, yes, they are.

They only do tricks when they're hungry.

- What about your man, bea? What are his tricks?

- Oh, I don't know.

I don't think he knows any, really.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- He's different.

- Sure, sure.

- He is.

He was sick when I met him.

- He was really sick, eh?

- He almost died.

I mean, the first thing I saw of him

was a tumor the size of a Robin's egg.

- Pete said there's no mistaking a real red deer.

We're going to go back this week,

and we're going to bag one.

- The season's over. Better not get caught.

- Yeah, I bet I can get 500 bucks for the pelt.

- Well, you land in jail,

you could sell your ass for the phone bill.

- Hey, I'll bring pretty boy Henry along with me.

He can work it off.

Wouldn't you like that there, baby face?

- Well, the kid's not queer. Ask his wife.

- Wouldn't she be better off

with someone who's hit puberty?

- I don't know.

She looked pretty satisfied last week when I seen her.

- Whoa, Henry. Hey, what's your bedroom secret?

- We do okay.

- Well, so tell us all about it.

- There's nothing to tell.

We just like the usual stuff.

- What's that?

- Sometimes she likes it doggie style.

- Then we got married at city hall,

and Henry got so nervous,

his stitches started bleeding.

- That's so beautiful.

I don't know what to say.

- Oh, nothing special.

- No, my life is nothing special.

I'm little miss ordinary, but you, that's special.

And nobody can tell you different, eh?

- George? This door, look at it.

In this corner, tell me about this door.

- It's nearly done.

It's coming from the woodshop on Tuesday.

I was wondering.

Wouldn't it be better off over here

closer to the closet?

- You know, the door that you and I were discussing.

- I explained about the plans.

I've got to go with the signed plans.

- Yes, and that's why Hank and I

drew up new plans last night.

See, there's his initials right there in the corner,

and this is for you, George,

because we realize what an inconvenience it's been.

- What the fuck is this all about?

I'm going to have somebody's ass over this.

- Aah!

- Crowbar smashes stairs.

- Hammer breaks crowbar.

- Hand rips paper.

- Why can't I have my staircase?

- Because it doesn't go anywhere.

- It goes up, it goes down.

- It doesn't go with the rest of the house.

- Then why can't I have my own house?

Why can't I build my own house?

- Because that's not the way we do things.

- That's not a reason.

- That's never mattered.

It's always been that way.

You know that.

- Might as well put a goddamn pie plate on the roof

for all the good this does.

- Goddamn Stan and his mail order satellite dish.

We want to see the fucking war.

Show us the fucking war.

What's the use of all your cameras

if all we can see is a fucking sandstorm?

- The coalition has increased its assault

to 2,100 sorties per day throughout Iraq.

- People are pouring out into the streets

in a spontaneous display of jubilation.

- Hey, there's Stanley. Go get him.

- This is a great day for president bush.

- Hey, time for Stanley to take a little ride.

- He's going to piss himself.

- The nation is at a standstill.

Everyone is glued to their TV sets

watching the triumph live from the Gulf.

- Stormin' Norman can't stop grinning.

He told me...

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Henry.

Henry, come here. Stanley's on TV.

- Bea!

Bea?

Bea, where are you?

Bea? Bea?

Beatrice?

- The war's over, Henry.

- It's over.

- Beatrice?

- Bea.

- They just announced it.

- The war is over.

- Beatrice?

- Henry.

- He surrendered.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Coming home now proud and confident.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- There is much that we must do,

at home and abroad,

and we will do it together.

We are Americans.

May God bless this great nation,

the United States of America.

- Okay, mister. That's it. You're all going back.

- He's no mister. He's a Gulf vet.

- Shut up, myra.

- I guess you want a drinking violation, too, lady?

- No, I'm real sorry. We'll go back right now.

- No way. Officer, here. Here's his card.

He was in the first mechanized.

We're celebrating his safe return.

- Hey, shut up, myra. - He's a war hero.

- Wow.

Good work. Welcome home.

- Whoo!

- So did you get to wear those night vision goggles?

- Yeah, what'd you see?

I mean, we saw it all on TV, right,

but it's got to be nothing compared to actually being there

and seeing it live.

- He doesn't like to talk about it.

- Okay. Sorry.

- Did you tell him about that guy we saw on TV?

He looked exactly like you, Stanley.

- Well, they all look the same in uniform.

- Uh-uh. No, I was sure.

Didn't he, Henry? He was... - Yeah, I guess so.

- Yeah, they put the camera on this jeep or something,

so it looked like you were this guy

who was flying right into the camera,

and this guy was looking straight into the lens

so, like, your face just filled the whole frame.

Was it you?

- He'd say if it was, so it wasn't, okay, bea?

- It sure looked like you.

- It really meant a lot to her that you came.

- I'll call next weekend.

- If you need some money or anything, just ask, okay?

How is your friend doing? Is he okay?

- He's good, dad.

Ivan's okay.

- Ivan.

- Shit.

You can't sleep, either, eh?

How many sheep are you up to?

- I count down.

I go backwards.

- Backwards?

- From a thousand.

- There's no rationality to it.

It looks desperate.

It looks last gasp.

- I brought you breakfast.

- Oh.

- It's got a little cold. I'm sorry.

- Oh, it's okay.

I can't eat.

But thank you.

Thank you.

I better get a sweater.

- Hank?

- Hmm?

I better get on with the dishes.

- Oh.

- Oh, shit.

You taste so sweet.

- Now, Henry, you got to grip her this way.

You got to tip it away from your body.

You always cut toward your buddy.

Otherwise, you might get burned.

Kind of like you're going to be

when your wife finds out you're working old Sandy.

- Yeah, I mean, you want to turn out like me?

No wife, no kids,

39 years old,

kicking around a big empty house.

You got a beautiful wife, Hank.

What are you doing chasing a loose caboose

that's old enough to be your... sister?

You know what I mean.

- You don't really know where he is, either, do you,

or what he's doing?

- Sure, I do.

He goes out with Uncle Kenny and the guys after work.

He's never had men friends before.

It's good for him.

It's good for him.

Well, congratulations, bea.

You've become... a wife.

- Please, this is the nineties.

- This is not the nineties.

This is sarnia,

just the same as any other couple

on the 402 on a Sunday afternoon.

He's at the wheel,

and you're in the passenger seat.

- Why do you hate your son so much?

- And why don't I hate him?

That is the question.

He hates me.

Blames me.

He's going to blame you for something, too, one day.

- He won't.

- Bea, what is it that you want in this life you got?

- Kids.

I want kids.

- No, really, what else?

- I don't know.

I'd like to go back to school, get a better job.

- And?

- What?

I want it to be like it was before.

- Before what?

- Before...

Before he was cured.

- Hey, she walks.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

- Who made it?

- I did.

- I'll pass.

- What does that mean?

- Nothing.

- Hey, honey.

You're still up.

I didn't think you'd still be up.

- I'm pregnant.

- Oh, shit.

- I'm keeping it.

- Oh, bea.

We got to talk about this.

We can't afford it, can we?

- That's funny.

We can't afford a kid this month,

and last month, we couldn't afford birth control.

- Bea...

Bea...

We'll find the money, okay?

We'll find the money.

How much is an abortion?

- Oh.

I want this kid, Henry.

- How?

How?

- Here's how, here's how, and here's how.

If we can afford to get drunk every night,

I think we can find a way.

- I'm ruining my life, bea,

and I'm ruining yours.

- Oh, yeah.

I'll say.

- I don't want to ruin kids, too.

- Oh.

- We can't, bea.

- No.

- We can't.

- Okay. That's fine.

Well, I get paid on Friday,

so I'll get it done next week.

- I don't know. Okay? I don't know.

- It's fine. I said fine.

- Please proceed to number 10.

- Before you is the site

of the world's first oil gusher.

In 1862, a penniless driller named Hugh Nixon Shaw

arrived at these dump beds

on the ontario/michigan border

and dug 157 feet into the bedrock.

A gusher of thick green oil shot up above tree level.

Shaw's strike launched the world's first oil boom

and laid the foundations

for sarnia's modern Petro-chemical industry.

- Please proceed to number seven.

- Fueled by Shaw's gusher,

oil Springs became a boomtown overnight,

flooded with would-be drillers, muckers and speculators

staking their claims.

Hotels and saloons popped up like rabbits,

and the main street was the first in the world

to be lit by kerosene lamps.

Please proceed to number six.

- Henry?

- Yeah? You want to go home now?

- I'm feeling kind of tired.

- He's got to kiss you now.

- No way. That is not the rule.

- You made the rule,

and now he's got to kiss you.

10, 9...

- That is not my rule.

- 8, 7, 6, 5...

- He doesn't want to.

- Yes, he wants to.

- Forget it.

- 3, 2, 1, now.

- Henry.

- Maybe I shouldn't have brought you.

- Kiss me.

- What?

- You heard me.

- Well, not here.

- Kiss me, Henry.

- Go, grandpa, go.

- Go.

- Aw, cool.

- Come on.

- Good job.

- You can already see the legs moving there.

And that's the head.

- Is it a boy or a girl?

- Oh, we won't be able to tell that

until the second trimester.

- Yeah, it's going final then.

We should be finished up tomorrow afternoon no problem.

We had some trouble with one of the sensors.

This batch was fucking finicky.

- The fight was two days away,

and we were itching to get in there.

We'd been stuck in the sand dunes for six weeks

while the air force was having all the fun.

- How many of there were you?

- There was three brigades of the first mechanized.

That's our infantry division.

What we did was we took sand plows

and mounted them on front of our tanks and earth movers,

and we just rolled...

- How about some music?

- Just a sec.

- What did they do then?

- He's just talking shit. Let's dance.

- Some of them surrendered, some of them returned fire.

We just kept rolling towards 'em.

The goal was to bury their bunkers and trenches,

the bunkers, the guns, the whole works.

We took care of 70 Miles of trenches that way,

made 'em disappear.

- So what did Saddam's soldiers do, make a run for it?

- Nah. We made them disappear, too,

for the most part.

A few arms and legs sticking out.

Some of them were pretty brave.

They kept firing back at us until the last second.

- How many Iraqis were killed then?

- I don't know, 5,000.

Once we buried them,

we really couldn't count them, could we?

- Despite all the TV coverage,

your assault went pretty well unnoticed.

- You know, that's what totally pisses me off.

We didn't get any recognition,

not like the airborne, and you know why?

There wasn't anything high tech about what we did,

no smart bombs, no night vision,

no laser targeting systems,

nothing much for the TV cameras,

just a lot of sand.

- Did the first mechanized...

- Fuck this. I'm falling asleep.

- No. - Hey!

- Oh, shit.

- How do you feel?

Good. Good enough.

- You mean, uh...

- No.

I mean...

Let me guess.

- You don't have to if you don't want to.

- No, no.

- You mean...

- Aw, fuck, Henry.

- I won't do it any more, okay?

- Hey, no, no. I told you we'll paint it later.

- Uh-oh. Someone old lady's here.

- Hi, bea.

When did you get home?

You weren't home when we got here.

- Hey, don't worry. We'll clean it all up.

- Come on, honey. Don't get mad at us, okay?

You're going to laugh

when we tell you this whole thing.

Fuck, why are you so mad?

It was just a dumb accident, okay?

- I lost the baby.

- What?

- I lost it, Henry.

- You had the abortion?

- No.

No, I saved us that money, too.

I had a miscarriage.

- Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

Bea, I don't know.

- It's not like we wanted it anyway.

It's not like we could afford it.

It's not like it makes a difference

one way or the other.

- What are you saying?

Beatrice, come here. Let me hold you.

- They couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl.

- The official keeper of world records,

after a careful and lengthy review

of the visual and statistical evidence provided,

is pleased to confirm

that a total of 1,543 couples

from the town... hey, city...

Of sarnia, Ontario, Canada,

have set the official world record

for the largest simultaneous kiss.

- Hey, old man,

I heard you were the one with the biggest kisser.

- Old man.

- Hey, it's my favorite right-hand guy

and his beautiful wife.

Hey.

Hey, Henry, give your beautiful wife a kiss.

Everyone? This is my birthday,

and Henry is going to kiss Beatrice.

- Hurry back.

You turn your collar up.

I don't want you catching the flu.

You got the camera? - Uh-huh.

- Oh, Jesus.

John?

John, get over here.

I've got to get help.

I'm going to send John for help.

- Henry.

Henry.

- It's better this way.

- No, don't talk.

- We would've just fucked it up again.

This way, we're safe.

- Oh.

- Bea, count for me.

- Count?

- Down, count down.

- Oh.

10, 9, 8...

7, 6, 5...

4, 3...

2...

1.

- Beatrice...

Beatrice...

Look.