All language subtitles for Beyond the Fringe - FULL

Narrator: This is
the west end of London.

Since the 17th century,

Theaters here have been
housing great plays,

Great productions,
and great performances.

Here, we have the first nights
of such plays as

"School for scandal,"
"Charlie's aunt,"

And "Saint Joan."

Here in recent years
began the careers

Of such actors as Noel Coward,
sir Laurence Olivier,

And Peter O'Toole.

Here have been maintained

The brightest traditions
of the theater.

On may 10, 1961,

4 young men
burst onto this scene.

Coming up from oxford
and cambridge universities,

They made history
on that opening night.

They were the authors
and entire company

Of a small revue,

And it took a wild
and wonderful look

At the world around them.

Tonight, we present
the final performance

Of that production,

A production that began here,

In London's west end.

Tonight, we present a gala
farewell performance

Of the famous
London and Broadway revue

"Beyond the fringe."

With the original cast of
Alan Bennett...

Peter Cook...

Jonathan Miller...

And Dudley Moore.

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[applause]

[playing "star-spangled
banner"]

[laughter]

Very good.
Very good.

Very good...
You've almost got it.

Yes.

When are you
off to America?

Ah, I'm going
in the next

Couple of days
there, Keith,

So I thought I better brush up
my "star-spangled banner."

Yes.
Well, you have to.

You have to be
able to play that.

Otherwise, they won't
give you a visa.

[laughter]

Terribly sticky
about that.

Toscanini waited for
years and years.

Mind you, you can
see their point of view.

If they didn't have
these regulations,

Any old riff-raff
could get in.

Yeah. They got
a lot of riff-raff

There already,
haven't they?

[laughter]

That's the first thing
that'll strike you.

The--the riff-raff,
you mean?

No, Barkley.
The first thing

That'll strike you
about the Americans

Is they're not English.

Of course they're not English.
They're Americans.

What I mean is,
they're not English.

They're not of
English stock.

I mean, you only have
to look at the names.

Lifkovitz, Ribblevitz,
vaseline.

Those are not
English names.

[laughter]

They used to be.

No, they never were.

I mean,
there used to be

Very good
English stock there,

Anglo-Saxons.

Puritan.
Exactly, it was

The statue of liberty
started the rot.

How was that?

Well, you see,
they put up

The statue,
and, I mean,

It's
a lovely statue.

[all talking at once]

[laughter]

Then, some
idealistic johnny

Went and inscribed
on the bottom

All this business
about, uh...

Give me your poor,
your huddled masses.

But of course,
people did.

The huddled masses leapt
at the opportunity.

They came over
in droves.

Bred like rabbits.

Died like flies.

And spread like
wildfire.

The whole place
was swamps.

Isn't there a very serious
color problem over there?

Yes, there is, but you
won't have any difficulty.

I think there is
a bit of real danger

Seeing the color problem

Simply in terms of
black and white.

It is a lot more
complicated than that,

But I gather the negroes
are sweeping the country.

Yes, so they are.

It's about the only job
they can get.

And very well
they do it, too.

[all talking at once]

And what's all this black
muslin I hear they're wearing?

[laughter]

No, barkley.

They're not wearing it,
they're joining it.

It's a movement
rather than a cloth.

Of course, barkley, one thing
you will notice about America

And that's it's a very
young country,

Rather like Ghana
in that respect.

Of course, they have inherited
our 2-party system,

Haven't they?

How does that work?

Well, let me see now.

They've got the
republican party, you see,

Which is the equivalent
of our conservative party.

And then there's
the democratic party,

Which is the equivalent
of our conservative party.

And then, of course,
there are the liberals,

In the shape of people
like, um...

Well...

Yes.

Are the liberals
democrats or republicans?

Yes.

As is convenient
for them.

Oh, I see, yes.

Of course, you know,
the Americans must be

Frightfully jealous
of our royal family.

[all talking at once]

Except there is
a sense, in which

The queen is
the president

And the prime minister
all rolled into one.

One what?

Exactly.

That's the whole
dilemma of the

American
constitution.

Mind you, I think he's
doing an awfully good job.

He's a very cultivated
fellow, too.

I understand
he's taking steps

To federalize
the avant garde.

Exciting concept.

Of course, Barkley,
one thing you will

Notice about the Americans,
god bless them,

Is they're terribly
naive about sex.

In what way?

Exactly.

[laughter]

They're terribly
naive about it.

They think of sex
in terms of beautiful

Blonde women with
huge breasts

And pink skin
and blue eyes.

[all talking at once]
pathetic.

[laughter]

All: Absolutely pathetic.

How do you
think of sex?

I don't, actually.

At least,
I try not to.

Otherwise, I start
thinking of beautiful

Blonde women with
huge breasts

And pink skin.

Pathetic, yes.

Pathetic, pathetic.

You have to admire
the Americans, you know.

They really do have
something to believe in.

They really do believe
in anticommunism.

God, I wish we had
a positive faith

Like that in England.

[all talking at once]

[indistinct]

Isn't there a lot
of poverty over there?

There is, but luckily
it's all been concentrated

In the slum areas.

It's uh...

It's beautifully done.
You'd scarcely notice it.

Where are you going
in America?

I'm going to new york first.

Of course,
you must remember,

New york
isn't America.

What is it then?

New york
is new york,

But it's not
America.

It's not America, if
you want to see America,

You ought to go
to the south.

South's charming,
but it's not America.

It's not America, no.

Now, there's Washington.

That's sort of set
in a Parisian atmosphere.

It's certainly not America.

Of course,
Los Angeles is fascinating,

But it's not America
anymore than San Francisco.

And that's not America.

There's the west,
of course,

Now, that's very exciting.

It's not America.

And there's the north.
North America,

But that's Canada.

I mean, not America.

Not America.

Where is America?

The cape, I think.

Massachusetts.

That's just a little
bit of England.

That's America!

No, I won't have a program,
thank you very much.

Excuse me, "t"?

Yes, please.
Milk and sugar

And a couple of slices
of fruitcake.

No. Is this "t"?
Is this "t"?

Row "t", yes.

Oh. Sorry. I thought
you were asking

If I wanted
a cup of tea.

Yes, this is
t1, 2, and 3.

I'm t2.

I'm t3.

I'm very sorry,
coming in late like this.

I couldn't get hold
of a taxi.

You know how it is
this time of night.

Absolutely ghastly.

Absolutely ghastly.

Absolutely ghastly.
It's ghastly.

Isn't it ghastly?
Absolutely ghastly.

It's just ghastly, yes.

Ghastly business,
but of course, you know,

You've only missed about
3 1/2 minutes of the overture.

It's a 7 1/2-minute
overture, actually.

You've seen the show
before, have you?

Oh, yes, yes.
I've seen this show,

Let me see now...

Uh, 300 and...
No.

Wait a minute.
I tell a lie.

Um, 237 times.

237 times?

It must be some sort
of a record.

Are you that fond
of the show?

Oh, no, no. It's not my sort
of a show at all, really.

Why on earth
do you keep coming?

Well, you see,
it's the royal family.

Are they in some way
connected?

No, no. You see, I read
in the newspapers

That the royal family
was planning a visit

To this theater.

So naturally,
I came along.

Now, you see up there?

Yes.

That is what they call
the royal box.

That's the royal box,
is it?

Obviously royal box,
yes.

The royal box.

Have you seen it,
sir?

That's the royal
box up there.

That is where your
crowned heads will sit

When they come to
the theater.

The royal box.

Yes, he's got it,
hasn't he?

I think we all have, yes.

But I think--I don't know
if you've noticed.

There's no royalty in it.

Yes, I have
noticed that.

You noticed that.
You're very quick, you know.

You see, there's no royal
people there at all.

None.

There is no royal personage
actually gracing

The royal box,

Unless of course
they're crouching.

[laughter]

But, um...

I mean, that wouldn't
be royalty, would it?

Not crouching, no.

No, not on the crouch.

Not actually
on the crouch.

They don't go into
that very much.

They have people
to do that for them.

Sure.

Yes.

Isn't there a regiment
called the royal crouchers?

The royal Bengal
crouchers, yes.

A fine body of men.

Oh, fine body
of crouchers.

Wonderful crouching.

How did they get
their name?

It was their uniform
that did it, actually.

Oh, I see. It's a special
crouching uniform, was it?

It wasn't designed
that way,

But part of the
accoutrements

Of the uniform was
ceremonial medals,

Which hung
from the chest

And ceremonial garters

Which they wore
about their thigh.

Occasionally,
the medals used to

Catch up
in the garters,

Forcing them in to
positione crouchado.

Traditional
crouching position.

Wasn't queen Victoria
passing by at the time?

She was, yes.

One of them got into

This crouching
predicament.

She liked what she saw.

I like that.
Keep it.

And they've been
crouching ever since.

It's one of the
last instances

Of the use of the
royal prerogative.

Is it?
It is, yes.

Of course, queen Victoria,
used the royal prerogative

A great deal, didn't she?

Did she? Yes.

Yes, she did.

I think some people
would say she

Overused it.

Would they?

They would, yes.

I think others would say
she underused it.

I think most people
would say

Absolutely
nothing at all.

Would they?

Yes, I think
that's me, actually.

Not a burning issue
anymore, really, is it?

No, not anymore.

But of course,
I was here last Tuesday.

You'll never guess
who I saw.

I have no idea
who you saw.

You'll never guess
who I saw.

Haven't the remotest
interest in who you saw.

Oh, go on. Play.

Oh, well, never mind.
I'll tell you anyway.

I saw the duchess
of Glastonbury.

The duchess of
Glastonbury, eh?

Whoopee.
Lucky on you.

But, of course,
she's not what you'd call

A regal person, is she?

Not what I'd call
a regal person,

No, she's
a noble person,

Rather than regal.

No, she's not regal.

She's noble, yes.

Yes, she is indeed.

She's noble. That's
good enough, isn't it?

Of course, she's a
wonderfully preserved woman.

You know, she's 84.

Is she 84?

She doesn't look it.
She looks about 79.

[laughter]

Must be one
of the last instances

Of the use of
the royal preservative.

[laughter]

What is that?

Is that some
special cream

They wear
on themselves?

What is that?

No, it's a joke.

[laughter]

A joke?

Yes.

You were making a joke?

Yes, I made a joke.

A humorous thing?

Oh, I see.
Well, um...

Ha ha ha.

Jolly good.

Glad you enjoyed it.

I always enjoy
a good joke

As soon as I
know about it.

I'll give you a bit
more warning next time.

That's another joke,
is it?

No, that's irony.

Oh, yes.

Then of course,
there's sarcasm,

Which is normally
followed

By a punch up the throat.

Yes, I don't care
for that.

No, it's not so good.

But of course, you know,

I am hoping against hope

That one night the royal
family will turn up here

And make my having to sit
through this rotten, awful show

Every night worthwhile.

Do you really mean to say

You spend 15 shillings
every night

Just on the off-chance

You may catch a glimpse
of the royal family?

Well, they're not worth
a pound.

[applause]

The time--

The time is 7:00.

By the grace of god
and the British
Broadcasting Corporation

We bring you
"always on a Sunday"

A program of religion
on the move.

Let there be light!

[piano playing]

� if your baby does you wrong �

� turn the other cheek

� keep it turning, turning,
turning �

� love thy neighbor
as thyself �

� turn the other cheek

� now if the law starts
getting stro-o-o-py �

� don't think you are
so-o-o-py �

� if you'll turn
the other cheek �

[speaking indistinctly]

Enough! Enough!

It was absolutely
spiffing.

It really had
my feet tapping.

Now let's get down
to god.

God! God!
Who is he?

Where is he?

And above all,
why is he?

And of course,
why is he above all?

[laughter]

You've got any questions
you'd like to fire off

About god, Dudley?

Uh, yes, well, vicar--

Oh, now,
don't call me vicar.

Call me Dick.

That's the sort
of vicar I am.

[laughter]

Uh...Yes,
well, uh, dicar.

[laughter]

One thing has always
been a great mystery to me

And that is the exact age
of the almighty.

I mean, how old is god?

How old is god?

How old is god?
God, how old is he?

Oh, god, how is he?

[laughter]

That's good.
Jolly good, yes.

Good. Jolly good.
Good. Yes.

Oh, god. Well...

It isn't really
a question of age,

Going on, you see,
Dudley,

Because, you see,
god is ageless.

That's to say
he's age-old.

He's old age,
if you like.

In fact, god is exactly
the same as you or I.

That's the message
I'm trying to get across

To you youngsters

Down at my little
dockland parish

Of st. Jack
in the lifeboat.

I think we've got to
get right away

From this stuffy
old idea

Of thinking of god
as something holy

Or divine.

Once we can do that,
we'll get you youngsters

Flooding back into
the churches.

I know that for sure.

Now, alan.
Hello there, alan.

Shut up!

Alan, tell me, is there
anything in the bible

Which actually puts you
off religion?

There is actually--
excuse me, I--

Alan, can we leave
lot's wife till later?

Thank you very much.

During my studies
of the good work, dicar,

I was very shocked
by all the cruelty

And violence
in the new testament.

In the
new testament?

Yes.

I knew there was
some rough and tumble

In the old.

I always thought
the new was rather mild.

I thought there were
some ghastly bits in it.

There were.

Take for example
the horrible case

Of shoving a needle
up the eye of a camel.

[laughter]

Take the, uh--

Frankly, dicar,
that, to me,

Is taking unfair
advantage of a dumb animal.

Peter: Camel.

A dumb camel.
Thank you, peter.

I stand corrected.

It's a ghastly sight.
The ship of the desert

Standing there with
a needle up his eye.

[laughter]

And if you ask me,

That was the straw
that broke the camel's back.

[all talking at once]

I think we're putting words
into god's mouth here,

And I think we can turn
a blind eye on the whole affair.

After all,
the camel had to.

Anyway,

I am very grateful
to you, dudley,

For bringing
this up,

'cause it does bring me
to the whole problem

Of teenage violence
in general.

There's been an awful lot
of tommyrot about juvenile

And teenage violence,

But I think we can
actually use this violence

And channel it toward god.

In fact, it's my aim
to get this violence

Off the streets
and into the churches

Where it belongs.

[laughter]

In the old days, people
used to think of the saints

As pious old milk sops.

Well, they weren't.
They weren't.

The old saints,
were rough, toothless--

They were tough,
ruthless tearaways,

Who knew where
they were going.

You have to admire
Luke and John--

� went through life
with his head screwed on �

� went outside
with nothing on �

� and a bath--

Thank you very much.

That's a little rhyme
we all sing.

And with these principles
firmly in mind,

We've now got ourselves
a young, vigorous church,

Where youngsters
like yourselves

Can come in
off the streets,

Pick up a chick,
jive in the aisles,

And really have
yourselves a ball.

Down here, we are
playing to packed houses

Every night,

Except of course
Sunday,

When we are forced
to close our doors

Because of
the lord's day

Observance society.

[piano playing slowly]

T.E. Lawrence,
the man and the myth.

Which is man,
and which is myth?

Is this fact,
or is it lies?

What is truth,
and what is fable?

Where is ruth,
and where is mabel?

[laughter]

To some of
these questions,

I hope to be able
to provide the answer.

No one who knew
T.E. Lawrence as I did...

Barely at all,

[laughter]

Could fail but to be
deeply impressed by him.

It is given to few men
to become, as he did,

A legend
in his own lifetime.

And it was in pursuit
of that legend

That I first sought him out
in June 1933

At his cottage
at cloud's hill in dorsey.

It was a simple cottage,

But I thought I detected
lawrence's hand

In the rough,
whitewashed wall,

The stout-paved doorstep,

And the rough oak door,
upon which I knocked lightly.

It was opened by
a small,

Rather unprepossessing
figure.

Slight of frame,
fair-haired,

With the ruddy, gleaming
face of a schoolboy.

It was a schoolboy.

[laughter]

I had come to
the wrong house.

[laughter]

I knew of Lawrence,
of course,

From his exploits
in Syria.

Where he was attached,
though, none too deeply

To the british
expeditionary force.

Speaking fluent sanskrit,

He and his boon companion,
his arab body servant,

An unmade bedouin
of great beauty--

[laughter]

They wreaked havoc
among the Turkish levees.

"orens,"
the arabs called him,

For they are unable
to pronounce "ls",

As distinct from the Chinese,
who can pronounce little else.

It is interesting, though
fruitless, to speculate

That had fate
taken him to China,

He would have been
known as "Lollence."

[laughter]

However, that is by the way.

"Shore" or "Ross" as
Lawrence then called himself,

Returned from the east
in 1919.

Shyness had always been
a disease with him.

It was shyness and
a longing for anonymity

That made him
disguise himself.

Clad in the magnificent white
silk robe of an arab prince,

Within his belt the short,
curved gold sword

Of the asharaf descendants
of the prophet,

He hoped to pass unnoticed
through London.

[laughter]

Alas, he was mistaken.

"who am I?" he would
cry despairingly.

"you are Lawrence
of Arabia, "

Passersby would
stop him and say,

And I claim my �5.

[laughter]

[applause]

For a while, he sought
refuge in academic seclusion

As a fellow of all souls
at oxford.

Here he could mix
on equal terms

With some of the greatest
men of his age.

But as Robert Graves
has pointed out,

He could not bear
to be touched.

So that even to rub
shoulders with the great

Filled him with
deep loathing.

One hesitates to talk of
lawrence and his body,

For they were inseparable.

[laughter]

He feared his body
as a savage fears the night.

His body was a wild beast
to be tamed

And cowed into submission.

By the time I first knew him,

He had been beaten and turned
to the texture of an old whip.

There have been those--
there have been those--

Or there are those who said
that there was something

Feminine about his makeup.

But there is nothing essentially
feminine about makeup.

And his--

[laughter]

His was always
so discreet.

One incident
comes back to me now.

In common room one night,
at all souls, I remember,

The conversation had
turned to the origins

Of the first world war.

And its relation to the vexed
question of homosexuality.

I saw Lawrence lean forward.

"I am not opposed to
homosexuality per se,"

He said quietly.

"only per me."

There was a murmur of agreement,
and the subject was dropped.

But can one ever forget him?

Those China-blue eyes,

That boyish,
almost girlish figure,

And that silly, silly giggle.

The boys at his school had
called him "tee-hee Lawrence."

[laughter]

And always the back of his hand
or the back of his mind,

There was that ready snigger.

[very effeminately]
well, anyway...

So I said to him, I said,
"do you have vests in mauve?"

And he said, "no, we don't
do vests in mauve."

So I said to him
very sharply,

"you don't do vests
in mauve?"

And he said, "no,"
so I had to settle

For the green.
The Lincoln green.

Made me mad.

I have to tell you
I was livid.

Never mind.

You look lovely
in green.

You look like
a spring onion.

Hello. What have we
got today, Arthur?

Surprise, surprise.

[laughter]

We've got bollard.

Bollard?
Sounds exciting.

What is it?

Cigarettes.

Ooh, ciggy-wiggies.

[laughter]

Hello, men.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I got held up
at the hairdresser.

Oh, I was so worried about it,
I can't tell you.

He was going on and on.
I said, "Ricky, darling,

Stop, dear,
you'll ruin me."

Do you like it?

Yes, I think he's
done a lovely job.

You can scarcely
see where it joins.

[laughter]

Ohh!

Hello!
Hello!

[laughter]

You know, you look rather
like robin hood today.

Ooh! Twang!

[laughter]

Here, have you seen
what I see?

What? Not that.

It's a lovely tie
you're sporting.

It is a lovely tie,
isn't it?

It's the new color,
you know.

Oh! Qu'est-ce que
c'est?

[laughter]

What is it then?

It's black, you see.

Very nice.

Ooh, my goodness
gracious me.

Aren't these souwesters
absolutely fabulous?

Come on, let's have you.

Those stairs,
you know.

Oh, please don't touch me
this morning, Arthur.

Oh!

[laughter]

Are you ready?

Yes.

Right. Action.

[in deep voices]
� stormy days of sea
are followed �

� by the smoking
of our bollard �

� once that lovely smoke
is swallowed �

� so lies satisfaction

Smoke bollard!

A man's cigarette.

Whoo hoo!

Good evening.
I am the director

Of one of London's
largest art galleries,

Housing pictures
which some people

Would give their
right hands to have.

Needless to say,
we don't let them have them,

As in this way we can
be quite sure

Of building up a very large,
permanent collection.

Some of the pictures
which we have

Would make your eyes
pop out.

Such all-time favorites
as "the laughing cavalier,"

Which has had the world
in stitches now

For donkey's years.

It even brings the gayest smile
to my lips,

And I must have seen it
scores of times.

"what does my job enfold?"
I can hear you ask.

Well, I arrive in my
little office

Very early in the morning.

Though it's 10 till 1:00,
I've been up till all hours

The night before rubbing
shoulders with the great

At some smart arty-party.

For the one thing
you can say about my job

Is that, by and large,
it's very interesting.

For about 2 hours,
all is silence in my little den,

Until my secretary comes in with
the latest batch of pictures

What come through the post,

Me to cast my eye over
and decide

Which is to have
the privilege

Of hanging on the walls
of our great gallery.

Which pictures do I choose,
I can hear you murmur.

Well, by and large,
I tend to choose

The largest picture,
as in this way, I feel

One is doing the best
by the taxpayer.

However, don't run away
with the idea

That I am one to let
a little gem go buried,

'cause there's one thing
you can say about this business

Is that, by and large,
you have to be hawk-eyed.

And so, by the time
5:00 comes around,

I am about ready to
jack the whole thing in.

But after 6 hours good kip,

I'm ready to be back
on the job

As guardian of the nation's
art treasures.

Pop up and see us sometime.

And now--and now
Dudley Moore

Accompanies himself
upon the pianoforte

In settings of
European songs.

First, a setting
by fouret

Of verlaine's poem,
"la nuit, ce n'est pas nuit."

[laughter]

[playing classical music]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[applause]

And now, dudley moore

Continues to play
with himself,

This time--this time
in a setting by Schubert

Of Heiner's poem,
"Die Flabbergast."

[laughter]

[playing classical music]

[laughter]

[singing in German]

[laughter]

[singing in German]

[applause]

[playing
classical music]

You there...
How are you?

Oh, how are you?
Very well.

Very well, thank you.

What is that little
philosophical paper

You were telling me about
in common room?

Um--hmm.

"Hegel's moral doubts,"
I think you said it was.

Oh, yes, yes.
Yes.

..."Hegel's moral doubts."

"Hegel's moral doubts,"
yes.

Yes.

Yes, it's not really
a paper.

Not really a paper as
much as an annotation,

Which I run up
for the proceedings

Of the Aristotelian
society.

Certainly no principia.

[chuckles]
go ahead?

Yes, oh. Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.

Oh. Heh heh.
All right.

Good. Oh, um,

Wittgenstein says,
doesn't he,

Rather ham-handedly,
in my opinion,

In the blue and brown,
books, of course,

That the statement
"fetch me that slab"

Implying there is a slab,
that it is a slab

Such as where I could
fetch it,

The statement "fetch me
that slab" would then

Be disjunctively denied

By the opposite
statement.

Yes.

Yes? Well, as it
seems to me--

Seems to me,
Wittgenstein has made

Really rather
a bad blunder here,

For as far as I can see,
you see,

The unfetched slab
can tend to exist

Really no more than
the unseen

Tree in the forest.

No, no, no, no.
You're making rather

A primitive category
mistake here.

Eh--oh--

No, you're not,
actually.

It's me.
I'm sorry.

[stammering]

All right,
yes, yes, yes, yes.

Cause it seems to me--
seems to me--

Seems to me, what exactly
we have here, really,

What exactly we have
here, really,

Is an example of
a synthetic,

A priori proposition
of a sort.

Let me see, ah, uh...
Yes, of course.

Yes, there are no
sense data you see.

There are no sense data.

Which are both
blue and green

All over
at the same time

In sense data,
you see...

In sense data,
yes, I see.

Which is a statement,
really, both about

Our world as we know it,

In wittgenstein's sense,
of course,

Of everything in
this case,

And a statement
about our language

As we use it.

Now, I know that you get
very worked up

About propositional
disjunctive functions.

I thought you might have
to deal with the whole

Sort of thing
[indistinct]

[laughter]

Yes.

[laughter]

I see.
Well, tell me,

Are you, ah--
are you, in fact,

Using "yes" in its
affirmative sense here?

Are you...

No, no. Um,

I liked that paper,
you see.

I liked it because
it rather bears on

Something I'm
considering myself,

Namely, what part,
you see,

What--what--
what--what rule

We as philosophers play

In this
great heterogeneous,

Confusing, and confused
jumble of political,

Social, and economic
relationships

We call society.

I mean, uh,
other people

Have jobs to do,
don't they?

Ah, what do people do
these days?

Um...Well, they...

Well, lawns, I believe.

Yes...
[laughter]

They--they do,

And they--
they drive buses,

Or they sell ice cream,
or they play games.

Huh. Games.
More important.

M-much more important.

Yes, and we also
play games, you see,

But we are philosophers.

We play language games,
don't we?

We play games of language.
Language games.

Language games...
[stammering]

When you and I go onto
the cricket pitch,

We--we do so
secure in the knowledge

That a game of cricket
is, um,

Well, it's a new
offering, isn't it?

It--it's not improved.
It's--it's in the offing.

But when we play
language games,

We do so rather
in order to find out

What game it is
we're playing, you see...

In other words, ah,

Why do we do
philosophy duel?

Yes, why?
Yes, why?

Yes, indeed.
Yes, why?

Yes, why?
Yes, yes, yes,

Oh, yes.
Yes, yes. No.

No, I think--
I think I must

Take exception with you
on that point, really,

Because, you see,
I think we want to ask

Not so much "why"
questions, you see,

As "how" questions.

Why?

There you are.
Need I say more?

[laughter]

Yes, you need,
a great deal...

It seems to me--
it seems to me that

Philosophers,
or at least

They like to call
themselves philosophers,

You see,

Who start by asking
"why" questions,

They end up by
making pseudostatements,

You see,
pseudostatements

Of the sort, um,
let me see now.

"Saturday I got into bed
with me" is one...

Is that a pseudostatement?

[both speaking indistinctly]

All right, well, I'll--
I'll take

Another example from
real life, if you like,

And really hammer home
the point.

"uh, there's
too much Tuesday

In my beet fruit salad."

What about that?
Oh, well, that is, of course.

It's a--
a classic example,

But I don't think
you're saying,

I don't think
you're saying, and I--

I don't say
you're thinking,

But I don't think
you're saying

That such statements
are in themselves

Meaningless, are they?

Oh...Not at all,
not at all, not at all.

All I'm saying,
really, you see,

What I was saying,
really, you see,

You know,
such statements are,

In effect,
metaphysical statements.

Metaphysical statements.

Of course, the--
the metaphysical statement

I don't think
we should forget,

Or I, uh, I don't think
you should forget,

As bradley pointed out,

The man who rejects
the existence of metaphysics

Is simply a metaphysician
with a rival theory of his own.

Ah.
There, there, there,

There, there.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Yes, well,
in that case--

In that case,
you must allow me

To illustrate
with another example

From real life,
if I may.

You seem to be
fond of real life.

Well, let's, um,

Let's say, for example,
shall we,

That we meet a friend.

Meet a friend, yes.

Friends at the factory,
or the pub,

Or the football match.
Ah.

Now, we don't--
we don't say to

That friend, do we,
"why are you?"?

It's rather absurd to
say, "why are you?"

We say, "how are you?"
don't we?

I suppose we do.
Yes.

Yes. In this--
in this connection,

What do you think of
plato and aristotle

And T.S. Eliot?

That's a very crafty
question, really.

It seems to me, you see,
it seems to me that

Plato, aristotle,

And T.S. Eliot,
god rest him.

By the way, how is he?
Is he all right?

He's all right.

[both talking at once]

Well, it seems to me,
these fellows, you see.

While they have
very interesting

Things, indeed, to say,
about the society

Which they represent...

He's been having
a spot of bother

With his teeth.

You mean, who has?
Eliot?

What?
Eliot?

Well, of course eliot.
Not Plato.

[laughter]

Yes, his--his teeth
have been aching lately.

They aren't
what they were.

In fact, they're not
where they were.

They're out.

[laughter]

Yes, sir.
Dentist removed them all.

Lock, stock, and barrel.

Oh, best place for them.

Hideous,
blackened stumps.

[indistinct]

Horrible. Horrible.
Uhh, yes.

What I was saying?
[stammering]

It seems to me
these fellows...

[stammering]
which fellows?

Plato, aristotle,

Poor old toothless eliot
there, you see.

While they--while they
have very interesting

Things indeed
to say about

The society
which they represent,

They're asking questions
about life

And about death,

Which are, therefore,
entirely irrelevant.

Entirely.
Entirely irrelevant.

Oh, yes, you're quite right.
I don't call

Plato and aristotle
philosophers.

I call them
paraphilosophers.

Hmm. Paraphilosophers.
How come?

Well, uh,
ever heard of these chaps

Paratroops?
Yes.

You know, those people,
uh, paratroops.

Paraphilosophers
exactly the same.

Philosophers with their
feet off the ground.

Ha ha.
That's saucy.

In that case--
in that case, I think

The burden really is
fair and square

Upon your shoulders,
really,

To try and explain
to me

The exact relevance that
philosophy does have

To everyday life.

Yes, I can do that
quite easily.

Uh, this morning
I went into

A shop, you see,
a shop,

Shop, you see, shop,
and--shop,

And there was
a shop assistant there

Who was having an argument
with a customer.

Oh, shop assistant
said "yes," you see,

And the customer said,
"what do you mean, 'yes'"?

And the shop assistant
said, "I mean 'yes.'"

Ah, this is very
exciting indeed.

I mean, here's
a splendid example, you see,

In everyday life,
where two

Really ordinary people
are asking each other

What are, in essence,
philosophical questions.

"what do you mean, 'yes'?"
"I mean 'yes,' you see."

Now, I, as a philosopher,
could help them.

Did you?

No.

[laughter]

They were in rather
a hurry.

[laughter]

[applause]

The great train robbery
of over �3 million

Continues to baffle
the British police.

Man: Good evening.
However,

We have here with us

In the studio
this evening

The deputy head of
new Scotland Yard,

Sir Arthur Geppie.
Good evening.

I'm--I'm going to
ask him

Just a few questions
about the train robbery.

Good evening.
Good evening,

Sir Arthur.
Good evening.

Ah, I'm going to ask you
just a few questions

About the train robbery,
if I may.

Good evening.
Well, I'd like to make

One thing quite clear
at the outset.

When you speak of
a train robbery,

This, in fact, involved
no loss of train.

[laughter]

It was merely the contents

Of the train
which were pilfered.

We haven't lost a train
since 1943, I think I was,

The year of the great snows.

We mislaid a small one.

They're very hard
to lose, you see.

Trains are great, bulky,
great things,

As opposed, for example,
to small jewel.

The tiny pearl,
for example,

Might nestle
in the navel of a lady

And disappear for years,

Whereas a train,
with its huge size

And the steam
pouring out,

Is altogether a different
kettle of fish.

It's, uh--
I think you've made

That point rather well,
sir Arthur.

Thank you very much.

Who do you think
may have perpetrated

This awful crime?

We believe this to be
the work of thieves.

[laughter]

And I'll tell you why.
The whole pattern

Is extremely reminiscent
of past robberies

Where we have found
thieves to be involved.

The telltale
loss of property.

The snatching away
of the money substances.

It all points to thieves.

Thieves. So you feel

That thieves
are responsible.

Good heavens, no.
I feel that thieves

Are totally irresponsible.

[laughter]

Ghastly people who go around
snatching your money.

I appreciate that.

You may appreciate that,
but most people don't.

If you like having
your money snatched,

Good luck to you.

You're rather a queer fish
in my view.

You misunderstand me.
I certainly do.

Good evening.
[laughter]

Who do you think
is behind the criminals?

We are, considerably...

[laughter]

Many days, indeed,
months and years behind them.

[laughter]

Who do you think
is the--

The organizing genius
behind the crime?

Well, now, of course,
you're asking me

Who the organizing genius
behind the crime is.

You're a man of
very acute perception,

Sir Arthur.
Thank you very much.

Well, uh, we believe
it to be

The work of
a mindermast,

Let me put it
that way.

A mindermast?

A mindermast.
My words exactly.

A mindermast.

What, exactly, is
a mindermast?

A mindermast
is the code word

We use at scotland yard
to describe a mastermind.

[laughter]

We, uh, we, uh,
we don't like to use

The word "mastermind"

As that depresses
the men.

[laughter]

Oafish lot of louts
if ever I saw any.

Ghastly great yobs.

I see.

But we are,
however, using

The wonderful
detection equipment

Known as the identikit.

Are you familiar with
the identikit?

Isn't it where you--
you piece together

The face of
the criminal?

Is that right?
Not entirely, no.

We're only able
to piece together

The appearance of the face
of the criminal.

We can't actually piece
the face itself together.

I wish we could,
of course,

Cause once you've captured
the criminal face,

The other criminal parts
aren't hard to find.

The--
[laughter]

The criminal body
is situated

Directly below
the criminal face,

Joined, of course,
by the ghastly, scrawny,

And altogether obnoxious
criminal neck.

But through this
wonderful system

Of the identikit,
or l'identikit,

As the french
foppishly call it,

God love them,

We have, uh,
we have pieced together

An extremely good likeness

Of the archbishop
of Canterbury.

[laughter]

So his grace is
your number-one suspect?

Well, let me put it
this way.

His grace is the man
we're currently

Beating the living
daylights out of

Down at the Yard.

And he's still your
number-one suspect?

No, I'm happy to say
that the archbishop,

God bless him,

No longer resembles
the picture we built up.

He's changed.

I mean, for the worse,
poor devil.

I believe I'm right
in saying, sir Arthur,

That some of
the stolen money

Has been recovered.

Yes, it has.
Yes, it has.

What's happening
to that?

We're spending that
as quickly as we can.

It's a short life
but a merry one

Down at the yard.

Good night.
God bless you all.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[applause]

So you want to know
about the war.

The thirties were
coming to an end.

Heavy with menace,

The forties were
just around the corner.

� I'm stepping out �

[indistinct]

At the Victoria Palace,

Lupino Lane was
entrancing London

With "Me and my girl."

[indistinct]

At ascot, a year
of royal victories.

Walt Disney
had done it again

With "Snow White
and the seven dwarves."

Underneath the gaiety,

The storm clouds
were gathering.

Across Europe,
German soldiers

Were dancing the hideous
gavotte of war.

Both: Heil!

Then came a break
in the clouds.

I have here
from herr Hitler

A piece of paper.

[sounds of bombing]

I will always remember
that weekend war broke out.

I was at a house party
at Cliveden with the Astors.

We sat around listening

To the moving broadcast
by mr. Churchill--

Or mr. Chamberlain,
as he then was--

[laughter]

And I quite clearly remember

Turning to my husband
and saying,

"squiffy..."

[speaking french]

But I did not feel then
that all was quite lost.

Immediately afterwards,
I got on the telephone to Berlin

To try and have a word
with herr Hitler,

Who had been
so awfully kind to us

On our last visit
to Germany that summer.

Unfortunately,
the line was engaged.

There was nothing I could do

To avert the carnage
of the next 6 years.

Mr. Charles Sperring
of Hoxton remembers.

I'll always remember
that day the war was declared.

I was out in the garden
at the time,

Planting out some chrysants.

It was a grand year
for chrysants, 1939.

I wish we could have
another one like it.

My wife come out to me
in the garden

And told me the ghastly news

About the outbreak
of hostilities.

"never mind, my dear,"
I said to her.

"you put on the kettle.
We'll have a nice cup of tea."

Put out that light.

[air raid siren]

All over britain,
the humble little people

Showed the same
spirit of courage.

[clatter]

[sounds of bombing]

You could always
tell the difference

Between theirs and ours.

Ours had a sort of steady,
reliable British hum,

Rather like
a homely old bumblebee.

Theirs, on the other hand,

Had a sort of horrible,
vicious, intermittent whine,

Like a ghastly foreign mosquito.

Meanwhile,
as invasion threatens,

England is blanketed
in security.

Wait a moment,

We'll put Lyme Regis
where Great Yarmouth was.

Right. And Ipswich
where Lyme Regis was.

And Great Yarmouth
where Ipswich was.

Ha ha! That will
fool the bosch, eh?

That'll fool them.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, cheerio.

Here,
how do we get home?

Home.

Home, the very word

Had a sort of comforting sound,
didn't it?

Home, whose very foundations
were built upon the air.

Young men, scarcely boys,

Tossed aside youthful things
and grew up overnight

In that grimmer game
which is war.

A game where only one side
was playing the game.

Young men flocked
to join the few.

Please, sir,
I want to join the few.

I'm sorry,
there are far too many.

[laughter and applause]

From the rugby fields
into the air.

From the squash courts
into the clouds.

From the skiffs
into the spitfires.

This was war.

I had a pretty quiet war,
really.

I was one of the few who was
stationed down at biggin hill.

On Sunday, we got word
jerry was coming in.

Over hastings, I think.

I got up there
as quickly as I could,

And everything was
very calm and peaceful.

England lay like
a green carpet below me.

The war seemed worlds away.

I could see tunbridge wells,

The sun glinting on the river.

I remembered that last weekend
I'd spent there with Celia

That summer of '39.

Suddenly, jerry was coming at me
out of a bank of cloud.

I let him have it,

And I think I must have
got him in the wing

Because he spiraled past me
out of control.

As he did so--
I'll always remember this--

I caught a glimpse of his face.

And do you know, he smiled.

Funny thing, war.

[applause]

[men singing]

Perkins. Perkins.

Sorry to drag you away
from the fun, old boy.

That's all right,
sir.

War's not going very well,
you know.

Oh, my god.

We're two down.

The ball's
in the enemy court.

Sir.

War's a psychological thing,
Perkins,

Rather like a game
of football.

Yes, sir.

You know how
in a game of football

10 men often play
better than 11?

Yes, sir.

Perkins, we're asking you
to be that one man.

Sir.

Perkins?

Sir.

I want you
to lay down your life.

Yes, sir.

We need a futile gesture
at this stage.

It will raise
the whole tone of the war.

Get up in a crate,
Perkins.

Sir.

Pop over to Bremen.

Yes, sir.

Take a shufty.
Sir.

Don't come back.

Right you are.

Good-bye, perkins.

God, I wish
I was going, too.

Good-bye, sir.

Or is it au revoir?

No, Perkins.

[applause]

But London,
that gallant old lady,

Nurtures
her children well.

At the national gallery,
a series of lunchtime concerts,

Dame Myra Hess
weaves her magic fingers

Inextricably into
the heart strings of London.

The music you are listening to,

Timothy, is German music,

And we are fighting the Germans.

That's something you're going

To have to work out later on.

[gunshots]

That was the night
they got pivvy street.

I'll always remember it.

I was out in the garden
at the time,

Planting out some deadly
nightshade for the bosch.

My wife come out to me
in the garden

And told me the abominable news.

"thousands have died
in pivvy street," she said.

"never you mind
that thousands have died,"

I said to her.

"you put on the kettle.
We'll have a nice cup of tea."

Andrews.

Yes, sir.

How many children
do you have?

Oh, I've got 5, sir.

I've got 3 boys
and...Um...

Two girls.

Two girls, yes.

Have you got
any children, sir?

Well, you see,
Mary and I

Only had 24 hours
before I came out here.

I've never even seen
my son Timothy.

We've got him down
for Eton, of course.

You know,
he's got the makings

Of a damn fine
football player,

Mary tells me.

Does he really, sir?

I'm glad
to hear that, sir.

Rather nice,
isn't it?

Look, andrews.

Yes, sir?

I've not said this
before,

But we've been
right through

This beastly business
together now,

Right the way through.

I suppose we have,
sir, yes.

And do you know,

Until this horrible war
started,

I'd never really known
men of your class before.

Let me say just this:
It's been a privilege.

Oh, uh...
God bless you, sir.

All right.

God bless you.

Jolly good.
Let's go.

[Big Ben chimes]

How grateful we were to the bbc
in those dark days of the war,

When every night at 9:00,

Alvar Lidell brought us news
of fresh disasters.

This is Alvar Lidell

Bringing you news
of fresh disasters.

[distant bombs]

I never used to hear
the 9:00 news,

Because I was always
out in the garden

Round about nineish,

Planting out some carrots
for the night fighters.

But I do remember
that black, black day

That rationing was imposed.

My wife come out to me
in the garden,

Her face knotted with pain.

"Charlie," she said,
"rationing has been imposed,

And all that that entails."

"never mind, my dear,"
I said to her.

"you put on the kettle.

We'll have a nice cup
of boiling hot water."

[laughter and applause]

But the tide was turning,
the wicket was drying out,

It was deuce,
advantage Great Britain.

Then America and Russia
asked if they could join in.

The whole thing
turned into a free-for-all.

So, unavoidably came peace,

Putting an end to organized war
as we've come to know it.

[church bells ringing]

Well, we've
done our best.

Now it's up to
the youngsters.

Wonder what they'll
make of it.

� should auld acquaintance
be forgot �

� and never brought to mind

� la la la...

[applause]

In these days of the relaxation
of international tension,

I think--excuse me.

In these days of the tightening
up of international tension,

I think there is a very real
doubt of our neglecting

The plans of civil defense.

It was the French statesman
taleron who said that

The price of liberty
is eternal vigilance.

Well, of course,
the price has gone up somewhat

Since the 18th century.

However,
the government's defense,

For want of a better word,
I'll call policy,

Is based on the concept
of the deterrent.

I'll say, for the sake
of argument,

We'll call, yes,
an unnamed power,

Takes a nuclear missile and
drops it on the United Kingdom.

Oh.

Well, we in
the United Kingdom,

Would then take another nuclear
missile and drop it on russia.

I'm sorry, no.

On the unnamed power.

This of course would
deter them from, uh...

[laughter]

It would effectually
discourage them.

Well, it would jolly
well serve them right.

Now, a lot of people
in this country tend to think

That the whole problem
of the hydrogen bomb

As being rather
above their heads.

Well, nothing could be
further from the truth.

The issue is a simple one:
Kill or be killed.

Man: Or both.

I beg your pardon?

I said "or both."

Yes. Thank you.
Good evening.

Now, we shall receive--

[laughter]

We shall receive
4 minutes warning

Of any impending nuclear attack.

Now, some people said,
"oh, my goodness.

4 minutes is not
a very long time."

Well, I'd remind those doubters

That some people in this great
country of ours

Can run a mile in 4 minutes.

[laughter]

Basically, the defense
of England

Rests in the hands
of our sea slugs.

Now, if our sea slugs fail
to get through

It shall fall back
on our blue waters.

If our blue waters let us down,

We still got good old
germ warfare up our sleeves.

Thank goodness for that.

Now, I must admit here,

There is a very strong
possibility

That our sea slugs
won't get through.

The British sea slug is a
ludicrously cumbersome vehicle,

Depending as it does on
a group of trained runners

Carrying it
into enemy territory.

Mind you, the bobbins
are working on this one

Day and night.

They're thinking
of fitting it out

With some ingenious device
that will hold wings

Or something along those lines,

Turning it into some
kind of flying machine.

In which case it will be
renamed greased lightning.

I must sit down. I can feel
one of my spells coming on.

Well, now, this does mean
that if we are fortunate enough

In any future hostilities
to be the aggressor,

We are in a position to strike
a blow of 20, 30,

Or even 40 megadeaths.

Or, I'll put that in more
familiar terms, if you like.

That's to say 40 million
lifeless forms

Strewn all about the place
here and there.

Really rather good.

Now, following this,

Our sea slugs would then come
into their own in a second wave,

Bringing our score up in the
70 or even 80 megadeath bracket,

Which is practically
the maximum score permitted

By the Geneva Convention.

[laughter]

I can see one or two
of you are thinking,

"now, look here.

"what if one of our American
friends makes a booboo

"and presses the wrong button,

Sends up one of
these missiles by mistake?"

Well, of course,
it could not happen.

Could not happen you see,

Because before he presses
that button,

He has to get on the telephone
to number 10 dining street,

Say, "now, look,
mr. Prime minister, sir,

Can I press this button?"

And the prime minister
will say yes or no,

As the mood takes him.

Now, there is a flaw
in this argument,

And I can see one or two
of you seem to have spotted it.

What if
the prime minister's out?

Well, perfectly simple.
Perfectly straightforward.

They'd ask his lovely lady wife.

Now, I think at this point,

I'll throw the whole thing
over to you.

If you're at all
worried about civil defense,

If you've got any questions
or problems,

We'd be only too pleased
to try and help you.

If you have any queries,

I know we'd be delighted
to attempt to deal with them.

Oh, this fellow over here.

Um, hello, panel.

Panel: Hello.

Um, I'd like to ask a question
if I might, please.

By all means.

[talking at once]

[laughter]

Do go on. Don't let me--

Can't go on without
your question.

Shall I fire
straight ahead?

By all means.

Right. Here goes, then.

Um, following
the nuclear holocaust,

Could you tell me
when normal public services

Would be restored?

Well, that's a very
fair question.

We have got it in
hand, of course.

Following
armageddon,

We do have to have
public services

Working
fairly smoothly

Pretty soon
after the event.

I feel
in all fairness,

I really ought
to point out

To all of you

That it must
needs be something

In the nature of
a skeleton service.

[laughter]

Now, what can we do from
a practical point of view

In the event of
a nuclear attack?

Well, the first golden rule to
remember about hydrogen warfare

Is to be out of the area where
the attack is about to occur.

Get right out of that area,

'cause that's the danger area,
where the bombs are dropping.

Get right out of it.
Right out of it.

If you're out of it,
you're well out of it.

If you're in it,
you're really in it.

If you are caught in it
when a missile explodes,

For goodness' sake, don't move.
Stand absolutely stock still.

Not under a tree of course.

That could be
extremely dangerous.

Now, what about radiation?
I hear a strangled cry.

Well, there isn't a great deal
you can do about radiation.

As soon as you hear about it,
jump into a brown paper bag.

Nothing quite so good
as brown paper.

You throw it on over
your heads and...[muffled]

There you are, you see.
You're very maneuverable.

You can do anything you like
inside your brown paper bag.

[laughter]

The bomb drops.
The dust settles.

Jump into your brown paper bag

And pop along to your local
civil defense leader.

And he'll tell you exactly
where you can go.

[applause]

I think at about
this juncture

It would be wise
to point out

To those of you who
haven't noticed already,

And god knows
it's apparent enough,

That Jonathan Miller
and myself

Come from good families

And have had the benefits
of a public school education.

Whereas the other
two members of the cast

Have worked their way up
from working class origins.

Yet, Jonathan and I
are working together

With them in the show,
treating them as equals.

And, uh, I'd like
to say it's proven

To be a most
worthwhile, enjoyable,

And stimulating
experience for both of us.

Wouldn't you agree,
Jonathan?

Yes, I'm most impressed
with the whole thing.

It's very good.

Well, I suppose
we are working class.

I wonder how many of
these people have realized

That Jonathan Miller's
a jew.

Hmm.

[laughter]

Yes, well, he is a jew,
of course,

But one of
the better sort.

I'd rather be working class
than be a jew.

Ha. Good lord, yes.
There's no comparison.

But just think
of the awful situation

If you were working
class and a jew.

There's always somebody
worse off than yourself.

Well, in fact,
I'm not really a jew,

Just jewish.

Not the whole hog,
you see.

And now, Dudley Moore
continues

To accompany himself
on the pianoforte,

First in a setting
of an English song.

A setting
by Benjamin Britten

Of the old English air
little miss Muffet.

The miss Muffet
referred to in this song

Is believed to
have been related to

The English entomologist
of the same name.

� little miss muffet

� sat on a tuffet

� eating her curds
eating her curds �

� and whey

� there came a big spider

� and sat down beside her

� and frightened miss Muffet

� away, away, away

� away

� and frightened miss Muffet

� away

[applause]

And now, Dudley Moore
continues his recital

With a setting by Kurt Weill

Of "The ballad of gangster Joe"
by Bertolt Brecht.

[singing in German]

� oh...

[singing in German]

� oh, don't ask why,
oh, don't ask why �

[singing in German]

� Volkswagen

[singing in German]

� what is this gangster Joe?

� what is this...

� in Chicago?

[singing in German]

� gesundheit, Joe

� oh

[singing in German]

� good-bye, Joe

� good-bye, Joe

� good-bye, Joe

[applause]

Uh, miss Rigby?

Stella, my love?

Would you send in the next
auditioner, please?

Mr. Spiggott,
I believe it is.

Mr. Spiggott, please?
[snapping fingers]

[laughter]

Mr. Spiggott?

Uh, yes, Spiggott by name,
Spiggott by nature.

Wonderful.

Uh, thank you very
much, mr. Spiggott.

Possibly be
interested in...

You're it.

I'm not it,
mr. Spiggott.

You appear
to have forgotten

The serious purpose
of your visit.

If you'd come over here

And perch on the chair
for a moment,

We can... Talk.

Now, mr. Spiggott,

You are auditioning,
are you not,

For the part of Tarzan.

Right.

[laughter]

Now, uh,
mr. Spiggott,

I couldn't help
noticing...

Almost at once,

That you are
a one-legged person.

You noticed that.

I noticed that,
mr. Spiggott.

When you've been
in the business

As long as I have...

[laughter]

You get to notice
these little things

Almost instinctively.

Now, mr. Spiggott,

You, a one-legged man,

Are applying for
the part of Tarzan.

Right again.

A role that is
traditionally associated

With a two-legged man.

And yet you,
a unidexter,

Are applying
for the role.

Right.

A role for which
two legs

Would seem to be
the minimum requirement.

Well, mr. Spiggott,

Need I point out
to you

Where your
deficiency lies

As regards
landing the role.

Yes. I think you ought to.

Need I say with
overmuch emphasis

That it is in
the leg division

That you are deficient.

The leg division?

The leg division,
mr. Spiggott.

You are deficient
in it to the tune of one.

Your right leg I like.

I like your right leg.

It's a lovely leg
for the role.

A lovely leg
for the role.

I've got nothing
against your right leg.

The trouble is,
neither have you.

[laughter]

You fall down
on your left.

You mean
it's inadequate?

It's inadequate,
mr. Spiggott.

It's inadequate.
And to my point of view,

I don't think the
British public is yet ready

For the sight of
a one-legged ape man

Swinging through
the jungly fronds.

However,
don't despair.

After all,
you score over a man

With no legs at all.

Should a legless man
come in here

Demanding the role,

I should have
no hesitation in saying

"Get out! Run away!"

So, there's still
a chance.

There is still
a very good chance,

Mr. Spiggott.

If we get no two-legged
character actors

In here within
the next 18 months,

There is every chance,

There is every chance
that you, a unidexter,

Will be the very
type of person

This particular agency
will in all probability,

At some time or another,

Be attempting to contact
telephonically.

I'm sorry.
I can't be definite.

You must understand
what with

The millions of
dollars at stake

And all the
difficulties involved,

We can't afford
to take any risks...

[applause]

This week, studio 5 welcomes
3 distinguished visitors.

We are very pleased to have
with us this evening

The minister of science.

Now, minister,
what plans are there

For a British space probe?

Well, we have
a british space probe

Up our sleeves, actually.

It's going to be launched
by her majesty the queen,

Who, at a given signal,
which is a nudge from cp snow,

Will press a button
which will then bounce

A radio signal to 3
fixed points in the heavens:

Mars, venus, and god.

You don't feel then,

That we're lagging
behind other countries

In this vital field?

I don't. I don't
feel that at all.

I mean, what other
country can boast

The second largest radio
telescope in the world?

Soon we shall have
the third largest.

Possibly even the fourth.

And all with
the same equipment.

Is that?
Wonderful achievement.

Do you feel that there
is life in space?

Well, I honestly
don't know.

What on earth do you
want to know that for?

They're awful creatures.

No. Life.

Life? Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said lice.

Well, uh, I don't know.

You'll have to ask the
prime minister about that.

He may know. I don't.

Finally, I wondered
if you could explain

How the atom
can be harnessed

For peaceful purposes.

Yes, I can explain that.

It's all to do
with the internal

Molecular structure
of the atomic particle.

You at all familiar
with the atomic particle?

Not as familiar
as I should be, no.

Uh, it's made up, you see--

The atomic particle is
made up of two things:

A nucleus and an electron.

You see, a nucleus
and an electron.

Now, my left hand
represents the nucleus,

And my right, of course,
the electron.

Now, inside the atomic
particle, you see,

These two, the nucleus
and the electron

Are going round one another.
Do you see that?

They're going round
one another.

They are revolving,
you see.

They're revolving
at a tremendous rate.

A tremendous rate.

There is a huge source of
power here to be harnessed.

And this is what we're doing
in British science today.

[laughter and applause]

We're extremely pleased
to have with us this evening

The newly appointed
lord chamberlain.

Now, lord Corbeld,

What are your feelings on
censorship in the theater?

Well, frankly,

I think there's far too
much sex and violence

Gets by in the name
of entertainment.

I mean, I go
to the theater

To be taken
out of myself.

I don't want to see
lust and rape

And incest and sodomy.

I can get all
that at home.

[laughter]

Well, then, thank you.

We are especially
privileged to have

With us this evening
mr. Ikimoto nabitzu,

The pan-african
federal leader,

Who is over here for the...

African constitutional
conference.

Now, mr. Nabitzu, what
hopes do you hold out

For a successful
conclusion

To the conference?

Well, there
can be no hopes

For a successful conclusion
to this conference

Until the fundamental
rights of man

Are realized by
the British government.

One man, one vote.

That is the law of god
which all must obey,

Including god.

But one man--

One man, one vote.
That is essential.

Especially for the 9 million
black idiots who vote for me.

[laughter]

Mr. Nabitzu, how do you
view the imprisonment

Of your colleague,
mr. Binder Abaico?

Well, the imprisonment
of mr. Binder Abaico

Is a most immoral,
disgusting, illegal,

Outrageous,
and despicable act,

And I'm in favor of it,
as it is.

It lets me get on
with a little bit

Of agitating on my own.

Now, do you in
any way condone--

Do you in any way
condone

The violent methods
adopted by some members

Of your party to
further their cause?

Well, by violent methods,
mr. Edwards,

I presume you
are referring to

The isolated and
sporadic outbreaks

Of entire communities
being wiped out.

Yes, I did
have this in mind.

Yes, well, all I can say
to that is "mote and beam."

I beg your pardon?

Mote and beam.

Mote and beam?

Yes, wipe out the mote

From your own eye,
Great Britain,

Before you start messing
around with our beams.

Everywhere, everywhere

The black man
is misrepresented.

For example, recently
I went in London

To see this play,

"Things ain't what
they used to be."

And in this play,

There was a black man
who was lying about

All over the stage
doing nothing,

Implying all black men
are layabouts.

Well, surely,
mr. Nubitzu,

You might as well say
the same play implies

That are white people

Are pimps
or prostitutes.

Yes, well that is
fair comment, you see.

There can be no progress,
mr. Edwards,

Until you Englishmen
stop looking down your noses

At us Africans.

Yes, I think I see
what you mean.

[laughter]

Black equals white.

No taxation without
representation.

Black equals white.

Mr. Nubitzu,

One thing rather puzzles
me about you,

And that is your hair
is extremely straight

And your complexion
seems to be white

In color.

Yes, that is perfectly true.

I have recently
undergone an operation

To straighten my hair

And also to remove the
pigmentation from my skin.

Doesn't this rather
fly in the face

Of your principles?

Not at all.
I feel in this way,

I can represent the
interests of my people best

By speaking to the white man
on his own ground.

And besides,
it is the only way

In which I can get lodging.

[laughter]

Mr. Nubitzu, thank you.
And good night.

[applause]

I, uh...I think
we are safe now

If you would like
to go upstairs

And join lord corbold

And the minister
of science.

I'm sure you 3
must have a great deal

To talk about.

Mr. Um...

Nubitzu.

Nubitzu. Yes.

Yes...

I, uh...Ahem.

Yes.

I, uh...

Yes. Ahem.

[applause]

Yes, I am.

I could have been a judge.

But I never had the Latin.

I never had the Latin
for the judging.

I didn't have sufficient
to get through

The rigorous judging exams.

They're very rigorous,
the judging exams.

They're noted for their rigor.

People come staggering out

Saying, "my god,
what a rigorous exam."

But I managed to become
a miner instead.

A coal miner.

Managed to get through
the mining exams.

They're not very rigorous.

They only ask you one question.

They say, "who are you?"

And I got 75% on that, so I
was made to feel persona grata.

Of course,
it's interesting work,

Grabbing hold of lumps
of coal all day.

Coal's a very interesting
substance, you know.

It was created
in a most unusual way.

'cause god didn't just say,
"let's have some coal,"

Like he did with most
of the other amenities.

He went about it a more
roundabout and interesting way

To make the world a bit more
interesting for us all.

He blew all the trees down.
He did.

He got a good wind going
and blew them all down.

And then, very gradually,

Over a period
of 3 million years,

He changed them into coal

So it wasn't noticeable
to the average passerby.

[laughter]

And this was all part
of his wonderful

Long-term scheme of things.

Part of his wonderful,
overall plan for the universe.

Of course, at the time, people
didn't quite see it like that.

People who were standing
under the trees, for example.

They...They rather
missed the point.

And instead of shouting out,

"hurrah! Coal in
3 million years' time!"

They tended to exclaim
more along the lines

Of "oh, dear.
Trees falling on us."

"that's the last thing we want."

And, of course,
for most of them,

It's the last thing
they got.

Their prayers were answered
in a roundabout way,

'cause if you ask,
you're always given it.

But it is
an interesting substance,

And it's a wonderful
substance to work with, coal.

I've written a book about my
experiences down the mine.

Written a book based
on the experiences

I've had down the mine.

It's called "my experiences
down the mine."

It's a wonderful story.

It's the story of a man
who goes down the mine.

And he see a lump of coal
quite near him.

"aha!" he says.

"the very thing
I'm looking for."

And he bends down
and picks it up.

And he lifts it up to
about his stomach level.

And then he shoves it away
into a trolley.

And the trolley wheels away
down a long dark tunnel.

And he never sees it again.

That's the story.

It's very short,

But it is extremely boring.

I...

I took it along
to a publisher,

And he agreed with me.

He said...

Said, "this story
is extremely boring.

"this is the most
boring story

"that has ever been written

In the whole history
of the universe,"

And he's not a man who's
given to superlatives.

He said--he said,
"the main trouble with it

"is everything.

"and most of all,

"it lacks the sex element...

"so vital in these
troubled times

"when over us all hangs
the black shadow

Of the hydrogen bomb."

So, I've rewritten it now

To put in a bit of the sex
element into the novel--

Into "experiences
down the mine."

I've put in some
sex elements into it.

It's the same story, but...

It's livened up a bit by
3 nude women--

Beryl...

Beryl, stella, and margaret.

3 nude ladies who've
come down the mine

For a bit of a dance.

And I've left
everything the same,

I've just put in a few
new paragraphs

Saying things like,

"meanwhile, the nude ladies
continued to dance about."

It's done wonders for the book.

I can scarcely put it down now.

It's a...

Wonderful story.

Of course, that's the wonderful
thing about being an author--

You can put as many nude
women in as you'd like.

My next book is called
"a million nude women."

It's a mining story.

It's the story of
a million nude women

Who are wandering about
in the desert

Looking for somewhere
to sit down.

And they wander about
for many a year

Till one day, the leader
of the nude women,

Beryl jarvis...

Sees a disused mine.

"come on, girls!"
she shouts.

She has to shout 'cause the last
ones are about 6 miles back.

"come on, girls!

"here's a disused mine at last.

"let's all rush down it...

And dance about."

And...

All the nude ladies
rushed down the mine

After beryl jarvis,

And...

And begin to dance about.

It's a scene unparalleled
in mining history.

And...

They dance and they dance
for days on end,

Till suddenly...

A very frail nude lady

By the name of
Stella Whittington

Falls exhausted to the floor

With a shout of "aagh!"

"this is too much."

And the nude ladies see
the folly of their ways

And retrace their steps

Over the desert to
rejoin the husbands

Who've been sitting on
the edge of the desert

Having a drink.

It is a wonderful story.

It would make a wonderful film.

Aagh!

Did you notice for
no apparent reason

Very suddenly I went "aagh"?

It's an impediment I got
from being down the mine.

Aagh! One day I was walking
along in the dark--

Aagh! I saw the body
of a dead pit pony.

"aagh!" I went in surprise.

Ever since then, I've been
going "aagh" unexpectedly.

And that's another reason
why I couldn't be a judge.

It uh...

It destroys the dignity
of the court, you see.

A whooping judge is not...

Very much welcome.

But I wish I could have
got into judging circles

'cause the trouble
with being a miner,

As soon as you're too old
and tired and ill

And sick and stupid
to do your job properly,

You have to go.

But the very opposite
applies to the judges.

So, all in all, I would
rather have been a judge

Than a miner

'cause I've always been after
the trappings of great luxury.

I've always fancied them.

Yet I've got hold of
the trappings of great poverty.

I've got hold of the wrong
load of trappings.

And a rotten load of old
trappings they are.

[applause]

Here we are. Yeah.

Here we are.
Yeah.

Ah ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Unless I'm very
much mistaken,

There's the bar.

Ah, a magic white bar.

[all whining]

Yes. Ahh.

I'm not very much
of an alcoholic.

Yeah.
Ah.

[whining in unison]

Well...

What are you
going to have?

[all talking]

Large whiskey, please.

Tell you what, I'll
have a double brandy.

Double brandy.

Gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic.

Lager.
Lager.

I'll do this.
I'll get it.

Drinks are on me.

Drinks are on me.

I've got nothing
on me at all.

Do they take
luncheon vouchers?

Have you got one?

No.
Ah.

Well, they never
take them here

Unless you've
actually got them.

They're sticky
about that.

Why don't we go
and sit down

And have a spot
of lunch?

Shall we make
a move?

It's all right then.

Where do you
want to sit?

Is that all
right for you?

It's all right for me.

That all right
for you?

It's fine
with me.

Why the bloody hell
don't we?

Let's get hold
of a waiter, then.

All: Waiter? Waiter?

I've got one.
I've got one here.

I got one!
I got one here.

All: Aah.

All: What are we
going to have? Hmm.

Yes...

Um...

I'm going to have

The same
as you, I think.

Same as me.
Yes.

You devil.
Ha ha ha.

Good god,
have you seen that?

What's that?
What?

Good heavens.

Isn't that
fantastic?

What's that?

Children under 10,
12 and 6.

Mm-hmm.

That's
very cheap.

Really, it's very cheap.

I think they're
probably imported.

Yeah.

Probably frozen,
I should think.

Oh, probably.

Probably are frozen.

You wouldn't get local
children at that price.

I wonder how they
prepare them.

I shouldn't
think they do.

I should think they
spring it on them.

Yeah.

I can't bear
children myself.

That's hardly
surprising.

Yeah.

Yes, I think I'll
steer clear

Of children and follow
your example, buffy.

You know your way around
this sort of muck.

Yes, all right.

What are you
going to have?

Well, I honestly
can't decide now.

Typical.
Typical.

Uh, look, I'll
follow you,

Cliff, if you
don't mind.

Oh, right you are.

Well, I have
decided actually.

I'm gonna have what
you settle for, I think.

Oh, good.

Well, that's
very easy then.

That's 4
of the same.

Oh, the bloody
waiter's gone.

The waiter's gone?

Our bloody
waiter's gone.

Where do you
think he's gone?

We come in here...

This expensive
restaurant,

And the bloody
waiter's gone.

He's gone to
get the waiter.

[all talking about the waiter]

[applause]

[piano plays]

29th verse...

Of the 14th chapter

Of the "Book of genesis."

But my brother Esau
is an hairy man.

But I am a smooth man.

But my brother esau
is an hairy man,

But I--but I...

Am a smooth man.

Perhaps I can paraphrase that--

Say the same thing but
in a different way--

By quoting you some words

From that grand old
testament prophet Ezra,

Ezra, 4...

16.

He said unto me,
"what seest thou?"

And I said, "lo, I see
the children of bebai

"numbering 673.

"but I see the children of Azgad

Numbering 1,474."

"I see the children
of Bebai numbering 673.

"and I see the children of Azgad

Numbering 1,474."

There come times...

In the lives of each
and every one of us

When we turn aside
from our fellows

And seek the solitude,

The tranquility of
our own fireside.

We put up our feet,
don't we?

We put on our slippers,
we sit,

And we stare into the fire.

I wonder at such times

Whether your thoughts
turn as mine do

To those words
I've just read you now.

They're very unique words,

They've very special words

Because these are
words that express

As so very words do.

That sense of lack

Which lies at the very
heart of modern existence.

That--that...

"I don't quite know what it is,

"but I'm not getting
everything out of life

That I should be getting"

Sort of feeling.

Because there are more than
this, you know, these words.

They are much,
much, much more.

Because they are
in a very real sense

A challenge to each and every
one of us here tonight.

What is that challenge?

The other evening,

I was strolling through
Piccadilly Circus

When my eye was caught

By a rather personable
young lady

Who was sitting
there on a bench.

And as I walked by,

She called out to me,

And she said...

"hey, padre,

Have you got the time?"

I had the time.

And I stopped
and told it to her.

And she seemed most
anxious to chat.

So, I sat down beside
her on the bench.

In the course of conversation,

I laid my hand upon her knee.

And, suddenly, she said,

"hey, padre...

What's the little game?"

"hey, padre...

What's the little game?"

I was very grateful
to that young lady

Because, you see,
she put me in mind

Of the kind of question

I thought I ought to be
asking you here tonight:

What's the little game?

What is this whole vivid
exciting little game

That we call life about?

Very many years ago,
when I was...

When I was about as old
as some of you are now,

I went mountain climbing
in Scotland

With a very dear friend of mine.

There was this mountain,
you see...

And we decided to climb it.

So, very early one morning,

We arose, and we began to climb.

All day we climbed.

Up and up and up,

Higher and higher and higher

Till the valley lay
very small below us.

The mist of the evening
began to come down

And the sun to set.

When we reached the summit,

We sat down to watch
this tremendous sight

Of the sun going down
behind the mountains.

And as we watched,

My friend, very suddenly
and violently, vomited.

Some of us think life's
a bit like that.

But it isn't, you know.

Life...

Life, well, it's rather like

Opening a tin a sardines.

We're all of us looking
for the key.

Some of us...

Some of us think we've
found the key, don't we?

Oh, we think we've
found the key.

We roll back the lid of
the sardine tin of life,

We reveal the sardines--

The riches of life therein.

We get them out,
we enjoy them.

But you know...

There's always a little
bit in the corner

That you can't get out.

I wonder...

Is there a little bit
in the corner of your life?

I know there is in mine.

So, now I draw to a close

And we prepare to go out
into the world.

I want you in times
of trouble and sorrow

And hopelessness and despair

Amid the hurly-burly
of modern life

If ever you're
tempted to say,

"oh, stuff this
for a lark..."

I want you then to remember

For comfort the words of my
first text to you tonight.

"but my brother Esau
is an hairy man,

But I am a smooth man."

[applause]

[piano playing]

Sustain we now
a description of a time

When petty lust and other
weaning tyranny

Offend the rack of state.

Thus fly we now as
after with fevers did...

Fair easter off unto
far Flanders court.

Where is the warlike Worrick

Like to the mole that
sat on hector's brow.

Fair set for England
and for war!

[piano plays]

And so, we bid you
welcome to our court,

Exeter from Albany,

And you are
sweetest Essex.

Take this, my hand,

And you,
fair essex, this.

And with this bond,
we'll cry anon

And shout Jack Cock
of London to the full.

Jack Cock
of London.

Approach your ears

And kindly bend your
conscience to my piece.

Our ruddy scouts to me
this hefty news have put

The naughty English
expecting now

Some pregnance in our plan,

Have, for some
haughty purpose,

Bent Iolaus unto
the service of their sail.

So even nowm while we
to the wanton lute do strut,

Is brutish boning broke

Bent fair upon some
fickle circumstance.

All: Some fickle circumstance.

Get thee to
Gloucester, Essex.

Do thee to Wessex, Exeter.

Fair Albany to Somerset
must eke his route

And Scroop, do you
to Westmoreland

Where shall bold York,

Enrouted now
for Lancaster.

With forces
of our uncle Rutland,

Enjoin his standard
with sweet Norfolk's host.

Fair Sussex.

Yeah.

Get thee to Warwicksbourne.

And there, with
frowning purpose,

Tell our plan to
Bedford's tilted ear.

That he shall press

With most insensait speed

And join his warlike effort

To bold Dorset's side.

I, most royally,
shall now to bed,

To sleep off all
the nonsense I've just said.

[piano plays]

Is it botched up then,
master Puke?

Aye, marry indeed,
good master Snot.

Oh.

'tis said our
master the duke

Hath contrived
some naughtiness

Against his son the king.

Oh.
Aye!

And it doth...

It doth confound
our merrymaking.

Argh.
Ow!

Oh!

What say you,
master Puke?

I am for Lancaster

And that's to say
for good shoe leather.

Aha!

Come, speak,
good master Puke.

Or hath the leather

Blocked
up thy tongue?

Ah ha ha!

Oh, why then

Go trippingly upon
thy good laces, good grit?

Art leather--

Art leather laces
they undoing?

Oh!
Oh!

They shall undo many
a fair boot this day.

Ahh!
Right!

All: Come, let's to
our royal revel!

And with our song,
enchant our king.

[singing gibberish

[strumming]

[singing in a high voice]

[continues singing]

Wise words in
mouths of fools

Do oft themselves belie.

Good fool, shall
essex prosper?

Aye, prosper.

Say you, prosper, fool?

Aye, prosper.

Merry then, methinks
will prosper.

In saying prosper,
do we say

To cut the knot
which crafty nature

Hath within our
bowels locked up.

But soft.

And who comes here?

Oh, good, my lord!

Unstop your ear
and yet prepare

To hear the optic theatre
of my experience.

Such news I bring as only

Can crack op' the casket
of your soul.

Not 6 miles hence
there grows an oak

Who's not defused
and gendered

In the dusky woods
that raise itself

Most impudent towards
the solstice sun.

So saying, did there
die, and dying so did say.

Oh, god.

This was most
gravely undertaken.

[plucks strings]

And undertaken has Essex
gravely answered it.

Why, then, we'll muster--

Into the field
of battle go.

And unto them, our
english sinews show!

[drums beating]

Why, then, was this encounter
nobly entertained.

And so, by steel
shall this our contest

Now be buckled up.

Come, sir.
Let's toot.

Let's toot.

With steel,
measure thyself

That thou
shalt thyself

In himself embowel.

Ha! Ha!

A hit.

No, sir. A miss!

Come, sir, art
foppish I' the mouth.

I thought I might
have in the steam.

Ha ha! Aha!

Whoa.

[grunting]

Oh, god!

Fair cousin, thou
hast done me wrong.

[groaning]

[screaming]

Now the steel...

Twixt gut and bladder
interposed.

Oh, saucy worcester.

Dost thou lie
so still.

[falsetto singing]

� now hath mortality

� her tithe collected

� and sovereign albany
to the worms �

� his corpse committed �

� yet weep we not

� this fustian life
is short �

� let's on to ponefract �

� to sanctify our court

[applause]

How will it be
this end

Of which you have
spoken, brother Edmond?

Both: Aye.
How will it be?

Well, it will be as 'twere

A great rending
in the sky, you see.

And the mountains shall sink

And the valleys
shall rise.

And great will be the tumult
thereof, I should imagine.

Will the veil
of the temple

Be rent in twain?

I hope so.

I'm looking
forward to that.

Will there be
a mighty wind?

Certainly there will
be a mighty wind,

If the word of god
is anything to go by.

And will this
wind be so mighty

As to lay low
the mountains

Of the earth?

No, it will not be
quite as mighty as that.

That is why we've come
up on the mountain,

You stupid nit,
to be safe from it.

All right then,
when will it be?

Aye. When?

In about 30
seconds' time

According to the ancient
pyramidic scrolls.

We better
compose ourselves.

What a wonderful idea.

15 seconds.

Hey, have you got
the picnic basket?

Yes.
5.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Zero.

All: � now is the end

� perish the world

It was g.M.T., wasn't it?

Well, it's not quite
the conflagration

We'd been banking on.

Never mind, lads.

Same time tomorrow?

We must get
a winner one day.

[applause]

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