Original subtitles

Narrator: This is the west end of London.

Since the 17th century,

Theaters here have been housing great plays,

Great productions, and great performances.

Here, we have the first nights of such plays as

"School for scandal," "Charlie's aunt,"

And "Saint Joan."

Here in recent years began the careers

Of such actors as Noel Coward, sir Laurence Olivier,

And Peter O'Toole.

Here have been maintained

The brightest traditions of the theater.

On may 10, 1961,

4 young men burst onto this scene.

Coming up from oxford and cambridge universities,

They made history on that opening night.

They were the authors and entire company

Of a small revue,

And it took a wild and wonderful look

At the world around them.

Tonight, we present the final performance

Of that production,

A production that began here,

In London's west end.

Tonight, we present a gala farewell performance

Of the famous London and Broadway revue

"Beyond the fringe."

With the original cast of Alan Bennett...

Peter Cook...

Jonathan Miller...

And Dudley Moore.

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

[applause]

[playing "star-spangled banner"]

[laughter]

Very good. Very good.

Very good... You've almost got it.

Yes.

When are you off to America?

Ah, I'm going in the next

Couple of days there, Keith,

So I thought I better brush up my "star-spangled banner."

Yes. Well, you have to.

You have to be able to play that.

Otherwise, they won't give you a visa.

[laughter]

Terribly sticky about that.

Toscanini waited for years and years.

Mind you, you can see their point of view.

If they didn't have these regulations,

Any old riff-raff could get in.

Yeah. They got a lot of riff-raff

There already, haven't they?

[laughter]

That's the first thing that'll strike you.

The--the riff-raff, you mean?

No, Barkley. The first thing

That'll strike you about the Americans

Is they're not English.

Of course they're not English. They're Americans.

What I mean is, they're not English.

They're not of English stock.

I mean, you only have to look at the names.

Lifkovitz, Ribblevitz, vaseline.

Those are not English names.

[laughter]

They used to be.

No, they never were.

I mean, there used to be

Very good English stock there,

Anglo-Saxons.

Puritan. Exactly, it was

The statue of liberty started the rot.

How was that?

Well, you see, they put up

The statue, and, I mean,

It's a lovely statue.

[all talking at once]

[laughter]

Then, some idealistic johnny

Went and inscribed on the bottom

All this business about, uh...

Give me your poor, your huddled masses.

But of course, people did.

The huddled masses leapt at the opportunity.

They came over in droves.

Bred like rabbits.

Died like flies.

And spread like wildfire.

The whole place was swamps.

Isn't there a very serious color problem over there?

Yes, there is, but you won't have any difficulty.

I think there is a bit of real danger

Seeing the color problem

Simply in terms of black and white.

It is a lot more complicated than that,

But I gather the negroes are sweeping the country.

Yes, so they are.

It's about the only job they can get.

And very well they do it, too.

[all talking at once]

And what's all this black muslin I hear they're wearing?

[laughter]

No, barkley.

They're not wearing it, they're joining it.

It's a movement rather than a cloth.

Of course, barkley, one thing you will notice about America

And that's it's a very young country,

Rather like Ghana in that respect.

Of course, they have inherited our 2-party system,

Haven't they?

How does that work?

Well, let me see now.

They've got the republican party, you see,

Which is the equivalent of our conservative party.

And then there's the democratic party,

Which is the equivalent of our conservative party.

And then, of course, there are the liberals,

In the shape of people like, um...

Well...

Yes.

Are the liberals democrats or republicans?

Yes.

As is convenient for them.

Oh, I see, yes.

Of course, you know, the Americans must be

Frightfully jealous of our royal family.

[all talking at once]

Except there is a sense, in which

The queen is the president

And the prime minister all rolled into one.

One what?

Exactly.

That's the whole dilemma of the

American constitution.

Mind you, I think he's doing an awfully good job.

He's a very cultivated fellow, too.

I understand he's taking steps

To federalize the avant garde.

Exciting concept.

Of course, Barkley, one thing you will

Notice about the Americans, god bless them,

Is they're terribly naive about sex.

In what way?

Exactly.

[laughter]

They're terribly naive about it.

They think of sex in terms of beautiful

Blonde women with huge breasts

And pink skin and blue eyes.

[all talking at once] pathetic.

[laughter]

All: Absolutely pathetic.

How do you think of sex?

I don't, actually.

At least, I try not to.

Otherwise, I start thinking of beautiful

Blonde women with huge breasts

And pink skin.

Pathetic, yes.

Pathetic, pathetic.

You have to admire the Americans, you know.

They really do have something to believe in.

They really do believe in anticommunism.

God, I wish we had a positive faith

Like that in England.

[all talking at once]

[indistinct]

Isn't there a lot of poverty over there?

There is, but luckily it's all been concentrated

In the slum areas.

It's uh...

It's beautifully done. You'd scarcely notice it.

Where are you going in America?

I'm going to new york first.

Of course, you must remember,

New york isn't America.

What is it then?

New york is new york,

But it's not America.

It's not America, if you want to see America,

You ought to go to the south.

South's charming, but it's not America.

It's not America, no.

Now, there's Washington.

That's sort of set in a Parisian atmosphere.

It's certainly not America.

Of course, Los Angeles is fascinating,

But it's not America anymore than San Francisco.

And that's not America.

There's the west, of course,

Now, that's very exciting.

It's not America.

And there's the north. North America,

But that's Canada.

I mean, not America.

Not America.

Where is America?

The cape, I think.

Massachusetts.

That's just a little bit of England.

That's America!

No, I won't have a program, thank you very much.

Excuse me, "t"?

Yes, please. Milk and sugar

And a couple of slices of fruitcake.

No. Is this "t"? Is this "t"?

Row "t", yes.

Oh. Sorry. I thought you were asking

If I wanted a cup of tea.

Yes, this is t1, 2, and 3.

I'm t2.

I'm t3.

I'm very sorry, coming in late like this.

I couldn't get hold of a taxi.

You know how it is this time of night.

Absolutely ghastly.

Absolutely ghastly.

Absolutely ghastly. It's ghastly.

Isn't it ghastly? Absolutely ghastly.

It's just ghastly, yes.

Ghastly business, but of course, you know,

You've only missed about 3 1/2 minutes of the overture.

It's a 7 1/2-minute overture, actually.

You've seen the show before, have you?

Oh, yes, yes. I've seen this show,

Let me see now...

Uh, 300 and... No.

Wait a minute. I tell a lie.

Um, 237 times.

237 times?

It must be some sort of a record.

Are you that fond of the show?

Oh, no, no. It's not my sort of a show at all, really.

Why on earth do you keep coming?

Well, you see, it's the royal family.

Are they in some way connected?

No, no. You see, I read in the newspapers

That the royal family was planning a visit

To this theater.

So naturally, I came along.

Now, you see up there?

Yes.

That is what they call the royal box.

That's the royal box, is it?

Obviously royal box, yes.

The royal box.

Have you seen it, sir?

That's the royal box up there.

That is where your crowned heads will sit

When they come to the theater.

The royal box.

Yes, he's got it, hasn't he?

I think we all have, yes.

But I think--I don't know if you've noticed.

There's no royalty in it.

Yes, I have noticed that.

You noticed that. You're very quick, you know.

You see, there's no royal people there at all.

None.

There is no royal personage actually gracing

The royal box,

Unless of course they're crouching.

[laughter]

But, um...

I mean, that wouldn't be royalty, would it?

Not crouching, no.

No, not on the crouch.

Not actually on the crouch.

They don't go into that very much.

They have people to do that for them.

Sure.

Yes.

Isn't there a regiment called the royal crouchers?

The royal Bengal crouchers, yes.

A fine body of men.

Oh, fine body of crouchers.

Wonderful crouching.

How did they get their name?

It was their uniform that did it, actually.

Oh, I see. It's a special crouching uniform, was it?

It wasn't designed that way,

But part of the accoutrements

Of the uniform was ceremonial medals,

Which hung from the chest

And ceremonial garters

Which they wore about their thigh.

Occasionally, the medals used to

Catch up in the garters,

Forcing them in to positione crouchado.

Traditional crouching position.

Wasn't queen Victoria passing by at the time?

She was, yes.

One of them got into

This crouching predicament.

She liked what she saw.

I like that. Keep it.

And they've been crouching ever since.

It's one of the last instances

Of the use of the royal prerogative.

Is it? It is, yes.

Of course, queen Victoria, used the royal prerogative

A great deal, didn't she?

Did she? Yes.

Yes, she did.

I think some people would say she

Overused it.

Would they?

They would, yes.

I think others would say she underused it.

I think most people would say

Absolutely nothing at all.

Would they?

Yes, I think that's me, actually.

Not a burning issue anymore, really, is it?

No, not anymore.

But of course, I was here last Tuesday.

You'll never guess who I saw.

I have no idea who you saw.

You'll never guess who I saw.

Haven't the remotest interest in who you saw.

Oh, go on. Play.

Oh, well, never mind. I'll tell you anyway.

I saw the duchess of Glastonbury.

The duchess of Glastonbury, eh?

Whoopee. Lucky on you.

But, of course, she's not what you'd call

A regal person, is she?

Not what I'd call a regal person,

No, she's a noble person,

Rather than regal.

No, she's not regal.

She's noble, yes.

Yes, she is indeed.

She's noble. That's good enough, isn't it?

Of course, she's a wonderfully preserved woman.

You know, she's 84.

Is she 84?

She doesn't look it. She looks about 79.

[laughter]

Must be one of the last instances

Of the use of the royal preservative.

[laughter]

What is that?

Is that some special cream

They wear on themselves?

What is that?

No, it's a joke.

[laughter]

A joke?

Yes.

You were making a joke?

Yes, I made a joke.

A humorous thing?

Oh, I see. Well, um...

Ha ha ha.

Jolly good.

Glad you enjoyed it.

I always enjoy a good joke

As soon as I know about it.

I'll give you a bit more warning next time.

That's another joke, is it?

No, that's irony.

Oh, yes.

Then of course, there's sarcasm,

Which is normally followed

By a punch up the throat.

Yes, I don't care for that.

No, it's not so good.

But of course, you know,

I am hoping against hope

That one night the royal family will turn up here

And make my having to sit through this rotten, awful show

Every night worthwhile.

Do you really mean to say

You spend 15 shillings every night

Just on the off-chance

You may catch a glimpse of the royal family?

Well, they're not worth a pound.

[applause]

The time--

The time is 7:00.

By the grace of god and the British Broadcasting Corporation

We bring you "always on a Sunday"

A program of religion on the move.

Let there be light!

[piano playing]

� if your baby does you wrong �

� turn the other cheek

� keep it turning, turning, turning �

� love thy neighbor as thyself �

� turn the other cheek

� now if the law starts getting stro-o-o-py �

� don't think you are so-o-o-py �

� if you'll turn the other cheek �

[speaking indistinctly]

Enough! Enough!

It was absolutely spiffing.

It really had my feet tapping.

Now let's get down to god.

God! God! Who is he?

Where is he?

And above all, why is he?

And of course, why is he above all?

[laughter]

You've got any questions you'd like to fire off

About god, Dudley?

Uh, yes, well, vicar--

Oh, now, don't call me vicar.

Call me Dick.

That's the sort of vicar I am.

[laughter]

Uh...Yes, well, uh, dicar.

[laughter]

One thing has always been a great mystery to me

And that is the exact age of the almighty.

I mean, how old is god?

How old is god?

How old is god? God, how old is he?

Oh, god, how is he?

[laughter]

That's good. Jolly good, yes.

Good. Jolly good. Good. Yes.

Oh, god. Well...

It isn't really a question of age,

Going on, you see, Dudley,

Because, you see, god is ageless.

That's to say he's age-old.

He's old age, if you like.

In fact, god is exactly the same as you or I.

That's the message I'm trying to get across

To you youngsters

Down at my little dockland parish

Of st. Jack in the lifeboat.

I think we've got to get right away

From this stuffy old idea

Of thinking of god as something holy

Or divine.

Once we can do that, we'll get you youngsters

Flooding back into the churches.

I know that for sure.

Now, alan. Hello there, alan.

Shut up!

Alan, tell me, is there anything in the bible

Which actually puts you off religion?

There is actually-- excuse me, I--

Alan, can we leave lot's wife till later?

Thank you very much.

During my studies of the good work, dicar,

I was very shocked by all the cruelty

And violence in the new testament.

In the new testament?

Yes.

I knew there was some rough and tumble

In the old.

I always thought the new was rather mild.

I thought there were some ghastly bits in it.

There were.

Take for example the horrible case

Of shoving a needle up the eye of a camel.

[laughter]

Take the, uh--

Frankly, dicar, that, to me,

Is taking unfair advantage of a dumb animal.

Peter: Camel.

A dumb camel. Thank you, peter.

I stand corrected.

It's a ghastly sight. The ship of the desert

Standing there with a needle up his eye.

[laughter]

And if you ask me,

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[all talking at once]

I think we're putting words into god's mouth here,

And I think we can turn a blind eye on the whole affair.

After all, the camel had to.

Anyway,

I am very grateful to you, dudley,

For bringing this up,

'cause it does bring me to the whole problem

Of teenage violence in general.

There's been an awful lot of tommyrot about juvenile

And teenage violence,

But I think we can actually use this violence

And channel it toward god.

In fact, it's my aim to get this violence

Off the streets and into the churches

Where it belongs.

[laughter]

In the old days, people used to think of the saints

As pious old milk sops.

Well, they weren't. They weren't.

The old saints, were rough, toothless--

They were tough, ruthless tearaways,

Who knew where they were going.

You have to admire Luke and John--

� went through life with his head screwed on �

� went outside with nothing on �

� and a bath--

Thank you very much.

That's a little rhyme we all sing.

And with these principles firmly in mind,

We've now got ourselves a young, vigorous church,

Where youngsters like yourselves

Can come in off the streets,

Pick up a chick, jive in the aisles,

And really have yourselves a ball.

Down here, we are playing to packed houses

Every night,

Except of course Sunday,

When we are forced to close our doors

Because of the lord's day

Observance society.

[piano playing slowly]

T.E. Lawrence, the man and the myth.

Which is man, and which is myth?

Is this fact, or is it lies?

What is truth, and what is fable?

Where is ruth, and where is mabel?

[laughter]

To some of these questions,

I hope to be able to provide the answer.

No one who knew T.E. Lawrence as I did...

Barely at all,

[laughter]

Could fail but to be deeply impressed by him.

It is given to few men to become, as he did,

A legend in his own lifetime.

And it was in pursuit of that legend

That I first sought him out in June 1933

At his cottage at cloud's hill in dorsey.

It was a simple cottage,

But I thought I detected lawrence's hand

In the rough, whitewashed wall,

The stout-paved doorstep,

And the rough oak door, upon which I knocked lightly.

It was opened by a small,

Rather unprepossessing figure.

Slight of frame, fair-haired,

With the ruddy, gleaming face of a schoolboy.

It was a schoolboy.

[laughter]

I had come to the wrong house.

[laughter]

I knew of Lawrence, of course,

From his exploits in Syria.

Where he was attached, though, none too deeply

To the british expeditionary force.

Speaking fluent sanskrit,

He and his boon companion, his arab body servant,

An unmade bedouin of great beauty--

[laughter]

They wreaked havoc among the Turkish levees.

"orens," the arabs called him,

For they are unable to pronounce "ls",

As distinct from the Chinese, who can pronounce little else.

It is interesting, though fruitless, to speculate

That had fate taken him to China,

He would have been known as "Lollence."

[laughter]

However, that is by the way.

"Shore" or "Ross" as Lawrence then called himself,

Returned from the east in 1919.

Shyness had always been a disease with him.

It was shyness and a longing for anonymity

That made him disguise himself.

Clad in the magnificent white silk robe of an arab prince,

Within his belt the short, curved gold sword

Of the asharaf descendants of the prophet,

He hoped to pass unnoticed through London.

[laughter]

Alas, he was mistaken.

"who am I?" he would cry despairingly.

"you are Lawrence of Arabia, "

Passersby would stop him and say,

And I claim my �5.

[laughter]

[applause]

For a while, he sought refuge in academic seclusion

As a fellow of all souls at oxford.

Here he could mix on equal terms

With some of the greatest men of his age.

But as Robert Graves has pointed out,

He could not bear to be touched.

So that even to rub shoulders with the great

Filled him with deep loathing.

One hesitates to talk of lawrence and his body,

For they were inseparable.

[laughter]

He feared his body as a savage fears the night.

His body was a wild beast to be tamed

And cowed into submission.

By the time I first knew him,

He had been beaten and turned to the texture of an old whip.

There have been those-- there have been those--

Or there are those who said that there was something

Feminine about his makeup.

But there is nothing essentially feminine about makeup.

And his--

[laughter]

His was always so discreet.

One incident comes back to me now.

In common room one night, at all souls, I remember,

The conversation had turned to the origins

Of the first world war.

And its relation to the vexed question of homosexuality.

I saw Lawrence lean forward.

"I am not opposed to homosexuality per se,"

He said quietly.

"only per me."

There was a murmur of agreement, and the subject was dropped.

But can one ever forget him?

Those China-blue eyes,

That boyish, almost girlish figure,

And that silly, silly giggle.

The boys at his school had called him "tee-hee Lawrence."

[laughter]

And always the back of his hand or the back of his mind,

There was that ready snigger.

[very effeminately] well, anyway...

So I said to him, I said, "do you have vests in mauve?"

And he said, "no, we don't do vests in mauve."

So I said to him very sharply,

"you don't do vests in mauve?"

And he said, "no," so I had to settle

For the green. The Lincoln green.

Made me mad.

I have to tell you I was livid.

Never mind.

You look lovely in green.

You look like a spring onion.

Hello. What have we got today, Arthur?

Surprise, surprise.

[laughter]

We've got bollard.

Bollard? Sounds exciting.

What is it?

Cigarettes.

Ooh, ciggy-wiggies.

[laughter]

Hello, men.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I got held up at the hairdresser.

Oh, I was so worried about it, I can't tell you.

He was going on and on. I said, "Ricky, darling,

Stop, dear, you'll ruin me."

Do you like it?

Yes, I think he's done a lovely job.

You can scarcely see where it joins.

[laughter]

Ohh!

Hello! Hello!

[laughter]

You know, you look rather like robin hood today.

Ooh! Twang!

[laughter]

Here, have you seen what I see?

What? Not that.

It's a lovely tie you're sporting.

It is a lovely tie, isn't it?

It's the new color, you know.

Oh! Qu'est-ce que c'est?

[laughter]

What is it then?

It's black, you see.

Very nice.

Ooh, my goodness gracious me.

Aren't these souwesters absolutely fabulous?

Come on, let's have you.

Those stairs, you know.

Oh, please don't touch me this morning, Arthur.

Oh!

[laughter]

Are you ready?

Yes.

Right. Action.

[in deep voices] � stormy days of sea are followed �

� by the smoking of our bollard �

� once that lovely smoke is swallowed �

� so lies satisfaction

Smoke bollard!

A man's cigarette.

Whoo hoo!

Good evening. I am the director

Of one of London's largest art galleries,

Housing pictures which some people

Would give their right hands to have.

Needless to say, we don't let them have them,

As in this way we can be quite sure

Of building up a very large, permanent collection.

Some of the pictures which we have

Would make your eyes pop out.

Such all-time favorites as "the laughing cavalier,"

Which has had the world in stitches now

For donkey's years.

It even brings the gayest smile to my lips,

And I must have seen it scores of times.

"what does my job enfold?" I can hear you ask.

Well, I arrive in my little office

Very early in the morning.

Though it's 10 till 1:00, I've been up till all hours

The night before rubbing shoulders with the great

At some smart arty-party.

For the one thing you can say about my job

Is that, by and large, it's very interesting.

For about 2 hours, all is silence in my little den,

Until my secretary comes in with the latest batch of pictures

What come through the post,

Me to cast my eye over and decide

Which is to have the privilege

Of hanging on the walls of our great gallery.

Which pictures do I choose, I can hear you murmur.

Well, by and large, I tend to choose

The largest picture, as in this way, I feel

One is doing the best by the taxpayer.

However, don't run away with the idea

That I am one to let a little gem go buried,

'cause there's one thing you can say about this business

Is that, by and large, you have to be hawk-eyed.

And so, by the time 5:00 comes around,

I am about ready to jack the whole thing in.

But after 6 hours good kip,

I'm ready to be back on the job

As guardian of the nation's art treasures.

Pop up and see us sometime.

And now--and now Dudley Moore

Accompanies himself upon the pianoforte

In settings of European songs.

First, a setting by fouret

Of verlaine's poem, "la nuit, ce n'est pas nuit."

[laughter]

[playing classical music]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[singing in French]

[laughter]

[applause]

And now, dudley moore

Continues to play with himself,

This time--this time in a setting by Schubert

Of Heiner's poem, "Die Flabbergast."

[laughter]

[playing classical music]

[laughter]

[singing in German]

[laughter]

[singing in German]

[applause]

[playing classical music]

You there... How are you?

Oh, how are you? Very well.

Very well, thank you.

What is that little philosophical paper

You were telling me about in common room?

Um--hmm.

"Hegel's moral doubts," I think you said it was.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes.

..."Hegel's moral doubts."

"Hegel's moral doubts," yes.

Yes.

Yes, it's not really a paper.

Not really a paper as much as an annotation,

Which I run up for the proceedings

Of the Aristotelian society.

Certainly no principia.

[chuckles] go ahead?

Yes, oh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh. Heh heh. All right.

Good. Oh, um,

Wittgenstein says, doesn't he,

Rather ham-handedly, in my opinion,

In the blue and brown, books, of course,

That the statement "fetch me that slab"

Implying there is a slab, that it is a slab

Such as where I could fetch it,

The statement "fetch me that slab" would then

Be disjunctively denied

By the opposite statement.

Yes.

Yes? Well, as it seems to me--

Seems to me, Wittgenstein has made

Really rather a bad blunder here,

For as far as I can see, you see,

The unfetched slab can tend to exist

Really no more than the unseen

Tree in the forest.

No, no, no, no. You're making rather

A primitive category mistake here.

Eh--oh--

No, you're not, actually.

It's me. I'm sorry.

[stammering]

All right, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Cause it seems to me-- seems to me--

Seems to me, what exactly we have here, really,

What exactly we have here, really,

Is an example of a synthetic,

A priori proposition of a sort.

Let me see, ah, uh... Yes, of course.

Yes, there are no sense data you see.

There are no sense data.

Which are both blue and green

All over at the same time

In sense data, you see...

In sense data, yes, I see.

Which is a statement, really, both about

Our world as we know it,

In wittgenstein's sense, of course,

Of everything in this case,

And a statement about our language

As we use it.

Now, I know that you get very worked up

About propositional disjunctive functions.

I thought you might have to deal with the whole

Sort of thing [indistinct]

[laughter]

Yes.

[laughter]

I see. Well, tell me,

Are you, ah-- are you, in fact,

Using "yes" in its affirmative sense here?

Are you...

No, no. Um,

I liked that paper, you see.

I liked it because it rather bears on

Something I'm considering myself,

Namely, what part, you see,

What--what-- what--what rule

We as philosophers play

In this great heterogeneous,

Confusing, and confused jumble of political,

Social, and economic relationships

We call society.

I mean, uh, other people

Have jobs to do, don't they?

Ah, what do people do these days?

Um...Well, they...

Well, lawns, I believe.

Yes... [laughter]

They--they do,

And they-- they drive buses,

Or they sell ice cream, or they play games.

Huh. Games. More important.

M-much more important.

Yes, and we also play games, you see,

But we are philosophers.

We play language games, don't we?

We play games of language. Language games.

Language games... [stammering]

When you and I go onto the cricket pitch,

We--we do so secure in the knowledge

That a game of cricket is, um,

Well, it's a new offering, isn't it?

It--it's not improved. It's--it's in the offing.

But when we play language games,

We do so rather in order to find out

What game it is we're playing, you see...

In other words, ah,

Why do we do philosophy duel?

Yes, why? Yes, why?

Yes, indeed. Yes, why?

Yes, why? Yes, yes, yes,

Oh, yes. Yes, yes. No.

No, I think-- I think I must

Take exception with you on that point, really,

Because, you see, I think we want to ask

Not so much "why" questions, you see,

As "how" questions.

Why?

There you are. Need I say more?

[laughter]

Yes, you need, a great deal...

It seems to me-- it seems to me that

Philosophers, or at least

They like to call themselves philosophers,

You see,

Who start by asking "why" questions,

They end up by making pseudostatements,

You see, pseudostatements

Of the sort, um, let me see now.

"Saturday I got into bed with me" is one...

Is that a pseudostatement?

[both speaking indistinctly]

All right, well, I'll-- I'll take

Another example from real life, if you like,

And really hammer home the point.

"uh, there's too much Tuesday

In my beet fruit salad."

What about that? Oh, well, that is, of course.

It's a-- a classic example,

But I don't think you're saying,

I don't think you're saying, and I--

I don't say you're thinking,

But I don't think you're saying

That such statements are in themselves

Meaningless, are they?

Oh...Not at all, not at all, not at all.

All I'm saying, really, you see,

What I was saying, really, you see,

You know, such statements are,

In effect, metaphysical statements.

Metaphysical statements.

Of course, the-- the metaphysical statement

I don't think we should forget,

Or I, uh, I don't think you should forget,

As bradley pointed out,

The man who rejects the existence of metaphysics

Is simply a metaphysician with a rival theory of his own.

Ah. There, there, there,

There, there.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Yes, well, in that case--

In that case, you must allow me

To illustrate with another example

From real life, if I may.

You seem to be fond of real life.

Well, let's, um,

Let's say, for example, shall we,

That we meet a friend.

Meet a friend, yes.

Friends at the factory, or the pub,

Or the football match. Ah.

Now, we don't-- we don't say to

That friend, do we, "why are you?"?

It's rather absurd to say, "why are you?"

We say, "how are you?" don't we?

I suppose we do. Yes.

Yes. In this-- in this connection,

What do you think of plato and aristotle

And T.S. Eliot?

That's a very crafty question, really.

It seems to me, you see, it seems to me that

Plato, aristotle,

And T.S. Eliot, god rest him.

By the way, how is he? Is he all right?

He's all right.

[both talking at once]

Well, it seems to me, these fellows, you see.

While they have very interesting

Things, indeed, to say, about the society

Which they represent...

He's been having a spot of bother

With his teeth.

You mean, who has? Eliot?

What? Eliot?

Well, of course eliot. Not Plato.

[laughter]

Yes, his--his teeth have been aching lately.

They aren't what they were.

In fact, they're not where they were.

They're out.

[laughter]

Yes, sir. Dentist removed them all.

Lock, stock, and barrel.

Oh, best place for them.

Hideous, blackened stumps.

[indistinct]

Horrible. Horrible. Uhh, yes.

What I was saying? [stammering]

It seems to me these fellows...

[stammering] which fellows?

Plato, aristotle,

Poor old toothless eliot there, you see.

While they--while they have very interesting

Things indeed to say about

The society which they represent,

They're asking questions about life

And about death,

Which are, therefore, entirely irrelevant.

Entirely. Entirely irrelevant.

Oh, yes, you're quite right. I don't call

Plato and aristotle philosophers.

I call them paraphilosophers.

Hmm. Paraphilosophers. How come?

Well, uh, ever heard of these chaps

Paratroops? Yes.

You know, those people, uh, paratroops.

Paraphilosophers exactly the same.

Philosophers with their feet off the ground.

Ha ha. That's saucy.

In that case-- in that case, I think

The burden really is fair and square

Upon your shoulders, really,

To try and explain to me

The exact relevance that philosophy does have

To everyday life.

Yes, I can do that quite easily.

Uh, this morning I went into

A shop, you see, a shop,

Shop, you see, shop, and--shop,

And there was a shop assistant there

Who was having an argument with a customer.

Oh, shop assistant said "yes," you see,

And the customer said, "what do you mean, 'yes'"?

And the shop assistant said, "I mean 'yes.'"

Ah, this is very exciting indeed.

I mean, here's a splendid example, you see,

In everyday life, where two

Really ordinary people are asking each other

What are, in essence, philosophical questions.

"what do you mean, 'yes'?" "I mean 'yes,' you see."

Now, I, as a philosopher, could help them.

Did you?

No.

[laughter]

They were in rather a hurry.

[laughter]

[applause]

The great train robbery of over �3 million

Continues to baffle the British police.

Man: Good evening. However,

We have here with us

In the studio this evening

The deputy head of new Scotland Yard,

Sir Arthur Geppie. Good evening.

I'm--I'm going to ask him

Just a few questions about the train robbery.

Good evening. Good evening,

Sir Arthur. Good evening.

Ah, I'm going to ask you just a few questions

About the train robbery, if I may.

Good evening. Well, I'd like to make

One thing quite clear at the outset.

When you speak of a train robbery,

This, in fact, involved no loss of train.

[laughter]

It was merely the contents

Of the train which were pilfered.

We haven't lost a train since 1943, I think I was,

The year of the great snows.

We mislaid a small one.

They're very hard to lose, you see.

Trains are great, bulky, great things,

As opposed, for example, to small jewel.

The tiny pearl, for example,

Might nestle in the navel of a lady

And disappear for years,

Whereas a train, with its huge size

And the steam pouring out,

Is altogether a different kettle of fish.

It's, uh-- I think you've made

That point rather well, sir Arthur.

Thank you very much.

Who do you think may have perpetrated

This awful crime?

We believe this to be the work of thieves.

[laughter]

And I'll tell you why. The whole pattern

Is extremely reminiscent of past robberies

Where we have found thieves to be involved.

The telltale loss of property.

The snatching away of the money substances.

It all points to thieves.

Thieves. So you feel

That thieves are responsible.

Good heavens, no. I feel that thieves

Are totally irresponsible.

[laughter]

Ghastly people who go around snatching your money.

I appreciate that.

You may appreciate that, but most people don't.

If you like having your money snatched,

Good luck to you.

You're rather a queer fish in my view.

You misunderstand me. I certainly do.

Good evening. [laughter]

Who do you think is behind the criminals?

We are, considerably...

[laughter]

Many days, indeed, months and years behind them.

[laughter]

Who do you think is the--

The organizing genius behind the crime?

Well, now, of course, you're asking me

Who the organizing genius behind the crime is.

You're a man of very acute perception,

Sir Arthur. Thank you very much.

Well, uh, we believe it to be

The work of a mindermast,

Let me put it that way.

A mindermast?

A mindermast. My words exactly.

A mindermast.

What, exactly, is a mindermast?

A mindermast is the code word

We use at scotland yard to describe a mastermind.

[laughter]

We, uh, we, uh, we don't like to use

The word "mastermind"

As that depresses the men.

[laughter]

Oafish lot of louts if ever I saw any.

Ghastly great yobs.

I see.

But we are, however, using

The wonderful detection equipment

Known as the identikit.

Are you familiar with the identikit?

Isn't it where you-- you piece together

The face of the criminal?

Is that right? Not entirely, no.

We're only able to piece together

The appearance of the face of the criminal.

We can't actually piece the face itself together.

I wish we could, of course,

Cause once you've captured the criminal face,

The other criminal parts aren't hard to find.

The-- [laughter]

The criminal body is situated

Directly below the criminal face,

Joined, of course, by the ghastly, scrawny,

And altogether obnoxious criminal neck.

But through this wonderful system

Of the identikit, or l'identikit,

As the french foppishly call it,

God love them,

We have, uh, we have pieced together

An extremely good likeness

Of the archbishop of Canterbury.

[laughter]

So his grace is your number-one suspect?

Well, let me put it this way.

His grace is the man we're currently

Beating the living daylights out of

Down at the Yard.

And he's still your number-one suspect?

No, I'm happy to say that the archbishop,

God bless him,

No longer resembles the picture we built up.

He's changed.

I mean, for the worse, poor devil.

I believe I'm right in saying, sir Arthur,

That some of the stolen money

Has been recovered.

Yes, it has. Yes, it has.

What's happening to that?

We're spending that as quickly as we can.

It's a short life but a merry one

Down at the yard.

Good night. God bless you all.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[applause]

So you want to know about the war.

The thirties were coming to an end.

Heavy with menace,

The forties were just around the corner.

� I'm stepping out �

[indistinct]

At the Victoria Palace,

Lupino Lane was entrancing London

With "Me and my girl."

[indistinct]

At ascot, a year of royal victories.

Walt Disney had done it again

With "Snow White and the seven dwarves."

Underneath the gaiety,

The storm clouds were gathering.

Across Europe, German soldiers

Were dancing the hideous gavotte of war.

Both: Heil!

Then came a break in the clouds.

I have here from herr Hitler

A piece of paper.

[sounds of bombing]

I will always remember that weekend war broke out.

I was at a house party at Cliveden with the Astors.

We sat around listening

To the moving broadcast by mr. Churchill--

Or mr. Chamberlain, as he then was--

[laughter]

And I quite clearly remember

Turning to my husband and saying,

"squiffy..."

[speaking french]

But I did not feel then that all was quite lost.

Immediately afterwards, I got on the telephone to Berlin

To try and have a word with herr Hitler,

Who had been so awfully kind to us

On our last visit to Germany that summer.

Unfortunately, the line was engaged.

There was nothing I could do

To avert the carnage of the next 6 years.

Mr. Charles Sperring of Hoxton remembers.

I'll always remember that day the war was declared.

I was out in the garden at the time,

Planting out some chrysants.

It was a grand year for chrysants, 1939.

I wish we could have another one like it.

My wife come out to me in the garden

And told me the ghastly news

About the outbreak of hostilities.

"never mind, my dear," I said to her.

"you put on the kettle. We'll have a nice cup of tea."

Put out that light.

[air raid siren]

All over britain, the humble little people

Showed the same spirit of courage.

[clatter]

[sounds of bombing]

You could always tell the difference

Between theirs and ours.

Ours had a sort of steady, reliable British hum,

Rather like a homely old bumblebee.

Theirs, on the other hand,

Had a sort of horrible, vicious, intermittent whine,

Like a ghastly foreign mosquito.

Meanwhile, as invasion threatens,

England is blanketed in security.

Wait a moment,

We'll put Lyme Regis where Great Yarmouth was.

Right. And Ipswich where Lyme Regis was.

And Great Yarmouth where Ipswich was.

Ha ha! That will fool the bosch, eh?

That'll fool them. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, cheerio.

Here, how do we get home?

Home.

Home, the very word

Had a sort of comforting sound, didn't it?

Home, whose very foundations were built upon the air.

Young men, scarcely boys,

Tossed aside youthful things and grew up overnight

In that grimmer game which is war.

A game where only one side was playing the game.

Young men flocked to join the few.

Please, sir, I want to join the few.

I'm sorry, there are far too many.

[laughter and applause]

From the rugby fields into the air.

From the squash courts into the clouds.

From the skiffs into the spitfires.

This was war.

I had a pretty quiet war, really.

I was one of the few who was stationed down at biggin hill.

On Sunday, we got word jerry was coming in.

Over hastings, I think.

I got up there as quickly as I could,

And everything was very calm and peaceful.

England lay like a green carpet below me.

The war seemed worlds away.

I could see tunbridge wells,

The sun glinting on the river.

I remembered that last weekend I'd spent there with Celia

That summer of '39.

Suddenly, jerry was coming at me out of a bank of cloud.

I let him have it,

And I think I must have got him in the wing

Because he spiraled past me out of control.

As he did so-- I'll always remember this--

I caught a glimpse of his face.

And do you know, he smiled.

Funny thing, war.

[applause]

[men singing]

Perkins. Perkins.

Sorry to drag you away from the fun, old boy.

That's all right, sir.

War's not going very well, you know.

Oh, my god.

We're two down.

The ball's in the enemy court.

Sir.

War's a psychological thing, Perkins,

Rather like a game of football.

Yes, sir.

You know how in a game of football

10 men often play better than 11?

Yes, sir.

Perkins, we're asking you to be that one man.

Sir.

Perkins?

Sir.

I want you to lay down your life.

Yes, sir.

We need a futile gesture at this stage.

It will raise the whole tone of the war.

Get up in a crate, Perkins.

Sir.

Pop over to Bremen.

Yes, sir.

Take a shufty. Sir.

Don't come back.

Right you are.

Good-bye, perkins.

God, I wish I was going, too.

Good-bye, sir.

Or is it au revoir?

No, Perkins.

[applause]

But London, that gallant old lady,

Nurtures her children well.

At the national gallery, a series of lunchtime concerts,

Dame Myra Hess weaves her magic fingers

Inextricably into the heart strings of London.

The music you are listening to,

Timothy, is German music,

And we are fighting the Germans.

That's something you're going

To have to work out later on.

[gunshots]

That was the night they got pivvy street.

I'll always remember it.

I was out in the garden at the time,

Planting out some deadly nightshade for the bosch.

My wife come out to me in the garden

And told me the abominable news.

"thousands have died in pivvy street," she said.

"never you mind that thousands have died,"

I said to her.

"you put on the kettle. We'll have a nice cup of tea."

Andrews.

Yes, sir.

How many children do you have?

Oh, I've got 5, sir.

I've got 3 boys and...Um...

Two girls.

Two girls, yes.

Have you got any children, sir?

Well, you see, Mary and I

Only had 24 hours before I came out here.

I've never even seen my son Timothy.

We've got him down for Eton, of course.

You know, he's got the makings

Of a damn fine football player,

Mary tells me.

Does he really, sir?

I'm glad to hear that, sir.

Rather nice, isn't it?

Look, andrews.

Yes, sir?

I've not said this before,

But we've been right through

This beastly business together now,

Right the way through.

I suppose we have, sir, yes.

And do you know,

Until this horrible war started,

I'd never really known men of your class before.

Let me say just this: It's been a privilege.

Oh, uh... God bless you, sir.

All right.

God bless you.

Jolly good. Let's go.

[Big Ben chimes]

How grateful we were to the bbc in those dark days of the war,

When every night at 9:00,

Alvar Lidell brought us news of fresh disasters.

This is Alvar Lidell

Bringing you news of fresh disasters.

[distant bombs]

I never used to hear the 9:00 news,

Because I was always out in the garden

Round about nineish,

Planting out some carrots for the night fighters.

But I do remember that black, black day

That rationing was imposed.

My wife come out to me in the garden,

Her face knotted with pain.

"Charlie," she said, "rationing has been imposed,

And all that that entails."

"never mind, my dear," I said to her.

"you put on the kettle.

We'll have a nice cup of boiling hot water."

[laughter and applause]

But the tide was turning, the wicket was drying out,

It was deuce, advantage Great Britain.

Then America and Russia asked if they could join in.

The whole thing turned into a free-for-all.

So, unavoidably came peace,

Putting an end to organized war as we've come to know it.

[church bells ringing]

Well, we've done our best.

Now it's up to the youngsters.

Wonder what they'll make of it.

� should auld acquaintance be forgot �

� and never brought to mind

� la la la...

[applause]

In these days of the relaxation of international tension,

I think--excuse me.

In these days of the tightening up of international tension,

I think there is a very real doubt of our neglecting

The plans of civil defense.

It was the French statesman taleron who said that

The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.

Well, of course, the price has gone up somewhat

Since the 18th century.

However, the government's defense,

For want of a better word, I'll call policy,

Is based on the concept of the deterrent.

I'll say, for the sake of argument,

We'll call, yes, an unnamed power,

Takes a nuclear missile and drops it on the United Kingdom.

Oh.

Well, we in the United Kingdom,

Would then take another nuclear missile and drop it on russia.

I'm sorry, no.

On the unnamed power.

This of course would deter them from, uh...

[laughter]

It would effectually discourage them.

Well, it would jolly well serve them right.

Now, a lot of people in this country tend to think

That the whole problem of the hydrogen bomb

As being rather above their heads.

Well, nothing could be further from the truth.

The issue is a simple one: Kill or be killed.

Man: Or both.

I beg your pardon?

I said "or both."

Yes. Thank you. Good evening.

Now, we shall receive--

[laughter]

We shall receive 4 minutes warning

Of any impending nuclear attack.

Now, some people said, "oh, my goodness.

4 minutes is not a very long time."

Well, I'd remind those doubters

That some people in this great country of ours

Can run a mile in 4 minutes.

[laughter]

Basically, the defense of England

Rests in the hands of our sea slugs.

Now, if our sea slugs fail to get through

It shall fall back on our blue waters.

If our blue waters let us down,

We still got good old germ warfare up our sleeves.

Thank goodness for that.

Now, I must admit here,

There is a very strong possibility

That our sea slugs won't get through.

The British sea slug is a ludicrously cumbersome vehicle,

Depending as it does on a group of trained runners

Carrying it into enemy territory.

Mind you, the bobbins are working on this one

Day and night.

They're thinking of fitting it out

With some ingenious device that will hold wings

Or something along those lines,

Turning it into some kind of flying machine.

In which case it will be renamed greased lightning.

I must sit down. I can feel one of my spells coming on.

Well, now, this does mean that if we are fortunate enough

In any future hostilities to be the aggressor,

We are in a position to strike a blow of 20, 30,

Or even 40 megadeaths.

Or, I'll put that in more familiar terms, if you like.

That's to say 40 million lifeless forms

Strewn all about the place here and there.

Really rather good.

Now, following this,

Our sea slugs would then come into their own in a second wave,

Bringing our score up in the 70 or even 80 megadeath bracket,

Which is practically the maximum score permitted

By the Geneva Convention.

[laughter]

I can see one or two of you are thinking,

"now, look here.

"what if one of our American friends makes a booboo

"and presses the wrong button,

Sends up one of these missiles by mistake?"

Well, of course, it could not happen.

Could not happen you see,

Because before he presses that button,

He has to get on the telephone to number 10 dining street,

Say, "now, look, mr. Prime minister, sir,

Can I press this button?"

And the prime minister will say yes or no,

As the mood takes him.

Now, there is a flaw in this argument,

And I can see one or two of you seem to have spotted it.

What if the prime minister's out?

Well, perfectly simple. Perfectly straightforward.

They'd ask his lovely lady wife.

Now, I think at this point,

I'll throw the whole thing over to you.

If you're at all worried about civil defense,

If you've got any questions or problems,

We'd be only too pleased to try and help you.

If you have any queries,

I know we'd be delighted to attempt to deal with them.

Oh, this fellow over here.

Um, hello, panel.

Panel: Hello.

Um, I'd like to ask a question if I might, please.

By all means.

[talking at once]

[laughter]

Do go on. Don't let me--

Can't go on without your question.

Shall I fire straight ahead?

By all means.

Right. Here goes, then.

Um, following the nuclear holocaust,

Could you tell me when normal public services

Would be restored?

Well, that's a very fair question.

We have got it in hand, of course.

Following armageddon,

We do have to have public services

Working fairly smoothly

Pretty soon after the event.

I feel in all fairness,

I really ought to point out

To all of you

That it must needs be something

In the nature of a skeleton service.

[laughter]

Now, what can we do from a practical point of view

In the event of a nuclear attack?

Well, the first golden rule to remember about hydrogen warfare

Is to be out of the area where the attack is about to occur.

Get right out of that area,

'cause that's the danger area, where the bombs are dropping.

Get right out of it. Right out of it.

If you're out of it, you're well out of it.

If you're in it, you're really in it.

If you are caught in it when a missile explodes,

For goodness' sake, don't move. Stand absolutely stock still.

Not under a tree of course.

That could be extremely dangerous.

Now, what about radiation? I hear a strangled cry.

Well, there isn't a great deal you can do about radiation.

As soon as you hear about it, jump into a brown paper bag.

Nothing quite so good as brown paper.

You throw it on over your heads and...[muffled]

There you are, you see. You're very maneuverable.

You can do anything you like inside your brown paper bag.

[laughter]

The bomb drops. The dust settles.

Jump into your brown paper bag

And pop along to your local civil defense leader.

And he'll tell you exactly where you can go.

[applause]

I think at about this juncture

It would be wise to point out

To those of you who haven't noticed already,

And god knows it's apparent enough,

That Jonathan Miller and myself

Come from good families

And have had the benefits of a public school education.

Whereas the other two members of the cast

Have worked their way up from working class origins.

Yet, Jonathan and I are working together

With them in the show, treating them as equals.

And, uh, I'd like to say it's proven

To be a most worthwhile, enjoyable,

And stimulating experience for both of us.

Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan?

Yes, I'm most impressed with the whole thing.

It's very good.

Well, I suppose we are working class.

I wonder how many of these people have realized

That Jonathan Miller's a jew.

Hmm.

[laughter]

Yes, well, he is a jew, of course,

But one of the better sort.

I'd rather be working class than be a jew.

Ha. Good lord, yes. There's no comparison.

But just think of the awful situation

If you were working class and a jew.

There's always somebody worse off than yourself.

Well, in fact, I'm not really a jew,

Just jewish.

Not the whole hog, you see.

And now, Dudley Moore continues

To accompany himself on the pianoforte,

First in a setting of an English song.

A setting by Benjamin Britten

Of the old English air little miss Muffet.

The miss Muffet referred to in this song

Is believed to have been related to

The English entomologist of the same name.

� little miss muffet

� sat on a tuffet

� eating her curds eating her curds �

� and whey

� there came a big spider

� and sat down beside her

� and frightened miss Muffet

� away, away, away

� away

� and frightened miss Muffet

� away

[applause]

And now, Dudley Moore continues his recital

With a setting by Kurt Weill

Of "The ballad of gangster Joe" by Bertolt Brecht.

[singing in German]

� oh...

[singing in German]

� oh, don't ask why, oh, don't ask why �

[singing in German]

� Volkswagen

[singing in German]

� what is this gangster Joe?

� what is this...

� in Chicago?

[singing in German]

� gesundheit, Joe

� oh

[singing in German]

� good-bye, Joe

� good-bye, Joe

� good-bye, Joe

[applause]

Uh, miss Rigby?

Stella, my love?

Would you send in the next auditioner, please?

Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is.

Mr. Spiggott, please? [snapping fingers]

[laughter]

Mr. Spiggott?

Uh, yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature.

Wonderful.

Uh, thank you very much, mr. Spiggott.

Possibly be interested in...

You're it.

I'm not it, mr. Spiggott.

You appear to have forgotten

The serious purpose of your visit.

If you'd come over here

And perch on the chair for a moment,

We can... Talk.

Now, mr. Spiggott,

You are auditioning, are you not,

For the part of Tarzan.

Right.

[laughter]

Now, uh, mr. Spiggott,

I couldn't help noticing...

Almost at once,

That you are a one-legged person.

You noticed that.

I noticed that, mr. Spiggott.

When you've been in the business

As long as I have...

[laughter]

You get to notice these little things

Almost instinctively.

Now, mr. Spiggott,

You, a one-legged man,

Are applying for the part of Tarzan.

Right again.

A role that is traditionally associated

With a two-legged man.

And yet you, a unidexter,

Are applying for the role.

Right.

A role for which two legs

Would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Well, mr. Spiggott,

Need I point out to you

Where your deficiency lies

As regards landing the role.

Yes. I think you ought to.

Need I say with overmuch emphasis

That it is in the leg division

That you are deficient.

The leg division?

The leg division, mr. Spiggott.

You are deficient in it to the tune of one.

Your right leg I like.

I like your right leg.

It's a lovely leg for the role.

A lovely leg for the role.

I've got nothing against your right leg.

The trouble is, neither have you.

[laughter]

You fall down on your left.

You mean it's inadequate?

It's inadequate, mr. Spiggott.

It's inadequate. And to my point of view,

I don't think the British public is yet ready

For the sight of a one-legged ape man

Swinging through the jungly fronds.

However, don't despair.

After all, you score over a man

With no legs at all.

Should a legless man come in here

Demanding the role,

I should have no hesitation in saying

"Get out! Run away!"

So, there's still a chance.

There is still a very good chance,

Mr. Spiggott.

If we get no two-legged character actors

In here within the next 18 months,

There is every chance,

There is every chance that you, a unidexter,

Will be the very type of person

This particular agency will in all probability,

At some time or another,

Be attempting to contact telephonically.

I'm sorry. I can't be definite.

You must understand what with

The millions of dollars at stake

And all the difficulties involved,

We can't afford to take any risks...

[applause]

This week, studio 5 welcomes 3 distinguished visitors.

We are very pleased to have with us this evening

The minister of science.

Now, minister, what plans are there

For a British space probe?

Well, we have a british space probe

Up our sleeves, actually.

It's going to be launched by her majesty the queen,

Who, at a given signal, which is a nudge from cp snow,

Will press a button which will then bounce

A radio signal to 3 fixed points in the heavens:

Mars, venus, and god.

You don't feel then,

That we're lagging behind other countries

In this vital field?

I don't. I don't feel that at all.

I mean, what other country can boast

The second largest radio telescope in the world?

Soon we shall have the third largest.

Possibly even the fourth.

And all with the same equipment.

Is that? Wonderful achievement.

Do you feel that there is life in space?

Well, I honestly don't know.

What on earth do you want to know that for?

They're awful creatures.

No. Life.

Life? Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said lice.

Well, uh, I don't know.

You'll have to ask the prime minister about that.

He may know. I don't.

Finally, I wondered if you could explain

How the atom can be harnessed

For peaceful purposes.

Yes, I can explain that.

It's all to do with the internal

Molecular structure of the atomic particle.

You at all familiar with the atomic particle?

Not as familiar as I should be, no.

Uh, it's made up, you see--

The atomic particle is made up of two things:

A nucleus and an electron.

You see, a nucleus and an electron.

Now, my left hand represents the nucleus,

And my right, of course, the electron.

Now, inside the atomic particle, you see,

These two, the nucleus and the electron

Are going round one another. Do you see that?

They're going round one another.

They are revolving, you see.

They're revolving at a tremendous rate.

A tremendous rate.

There is a huge source of power here to be harnessed.

And this is what we're doing in British science today.

[laughter and applause]

We're extremely pleased to have with us this evening

The newly appointed lord chamberlain.

Now, lord Corbeld,

What are your feelings on censorship in the theater?

Well, frankly,

I think there's far too much sex and violence

Gets by in the name of entertainment.

I mean, I go to the theater

To be taken out of myself.

I don't want to see lust and rape

And incest and sodomy.

I can get all that at home.

[laughter]

Well, then, thank you.

We are especially privileged to have

With us this evening mr. Ikimoto nabitzu,

The pan-african federal leader,

Who is over here for the...

African constitutional conference.

Now, mr. Nabitzu, what hopes do you hold out

For a successful conclusion

To the conference?

Well, there can be no hopes

For a successful conclusion to this conference

Until the fundamental rights of man

Are realized by the British government.

One man, one vote.

That is the law of god which all must obey,

Including god.

But one man--

One man, one vote. That is essential.

Especially for the 9 million black idiots who vote for me.

[laughter]

Mr. Nabitzu, how do you view the imprisonment

Of your colleague, mr. Binder Abaico?

Well, the imprisonment of mr. Binder Abaico

Is a most immoral, disgusting, illegal,

Outrageous, and despicable act,

And I'm in favor of it, as it is.

It lets me get on with a little bit

Of agitating on my own.

Now, do you in any way condone--

Do you in any way condone

The violent methods adopted by some members

Of your party to further their cause?

Well, by violent methods, mr. Edwards,

I presume you are referring to

The isolated and sporadic outbreaks

Of entire communities being wiped out.

Yes, I did have this in mind.

Yes, well, all I can say to that is "mote and beam."

I beg your pardon?

Mote and beam.

Mote and beam?

Yes, wipe out the mote

From your own eye, Great Britain,

Before you start messing around with our beams.

Everywhere, everywhere

The black man is misrepresented.

For example, recently I went in London

To see this play,

"Things ain't what they used to be."

And in this play,

There was a black man who was lying about

All over the stage doing nothing,

Implying all black men are layabouts.

Well, surely, mr. Nubitzu,

You might as well say the same play implies

That are white people

Are pimps or prostitutes.

Yes, well that is fair comment, you see.

There can be no progress, mr. Edwards,

Until you Englishmen stop looking down your noses

At us Africans.

Yes, I think I see what you mean.

[laughter]

Black equals white.

No taxation without representation.

Black equals white.

Mr. Nubitzu,

One thing rather puzzles me about you,

And that is your hair is extremely straight

And your complexion seems to be white

In color.

Yes, that is perfectly true.

I have recently undergone an operation

To straighten my hair

And also to remove the pigmentation from my skin.

Doesn't this rather fly in the face

Of your principles?

Not at all. I feel in this way,

I can represent the interests of my people best

By speaking to the white man on his own ground.

And besides, it is the only way

In which I can get lodging.

[laughter]

Mr. Nubitzu, thank you. And good night.

[applause]

I, uh...I think we are safe now

If you would like to go upstairs

And join lord corbold

And the minister of science.

I'm sure you 3 must have a great deal

To talk about.

Mr. Um...

Nubitzu.

Nubitzu. Yes.

Yes...

I, uh...Ahem.

Yes.

I, uh...

Yes. Ahem.

[applause]

Yes, I am.

I could have been a judge.

But I never had the Latin.

I never had the Latin for the judging.

I didn't have sufficient to get through

The rigorous judging exams.

They're very rigorous, the judging exams.

They're noted for their rigor.

People come staggering out

Saying, "my god, what a rigorous exam."

But I managed to become a miner instead.

A coal miner.

Managed to get through the mining exams.

They're not very rigorous.

They only ask you one question.

They say, "who are you?"

And I got 75% on that, so I was made to feel persona grata.

Of course, it's interesting work,

Grabbing hold of lumps of coal all day.

Coal's a very interesting substance, you know.

It was created in a most unusual way.

'cause god didn't just say, "let's have some coal,"

Like he did with most of the other amenities.

He went about it a more roundabout and interesting way

To make the world a bit more interesting for us all.

He blew all the trees down. He did.

He got a good wind going and blew them all down.

And then, very gradually,

Over a period of 3 million years,

He changed them into coal

So it wasn't noticeable to the average passerby.

[laughter]

And this was all part of his wonderful

Long-term scheme of things.

Part of his wonderful, overall plan for the universe.

Of course, at the time, people didn't quite see it like that.

People who were standing under the trees, for example.

They...They rather missed the point.

And instead of shouting out,

"hurrah! Coal in 3 million years' time!"

They tended to exclaim more along the lines

Of "oh, dear. Trees falling on us."

"that's the last thing we want."

And, of course, for most of them,

It's the last thing they got.

Their prayers were answered in a roundabout way,

'cause if you ask, you're always given it.

But it is an interesting substance,

And it's a wonderful substance to work with, coal.

I've written a book about my experiences down the mine.

Written a book based on the experiences

I've had down the mine.

It's called "my experiences down the mine."

It's a wonderful story.

It's the story of a man who goes down the mine.

And he see a lump of coal quite near him.

"aha!" he says.

"the very thing I'm looking for."

And he bends down and picks it up.

And he lifts it up to about his stomach level.

And then he shoves it away into a trolley.

And the trolley wheels away down a long dark tunnel.

And he never sees it again.

That's the story.

It's very short,

But it is extremely boring.

I...

I took it along to a publisher,

And he agreed with me.

He said...

Said, "this story is extremely boring.

"this is the most boring story

"that has ever been written

In the whole history of the universe,"

And he's not a man who's given to superlatives.

He said--he said, "the main trouble with it

"is everything.

"and most of all,

"it lacks the sex element...

"so vital in these troubled times

"when over us all hangs the black shadow

Of the hydrogen bomb."

So, I've rewritten it now

To put in a bit of the sex element into the novel--

Into "experiences down the mine."

I've put in some sex elements into it.

It's the same story, but...

It's livened up a bit by 3 nude women--

Beryl...

Beryl, stella, and margaret.

3 nude ladies who've come down the mine

For a bit of a dance.

And I've left everything the same,

I've just put in a few new paragraphs

Saying things like,

"meanwhile, the nude ladies continued to dance about."

It's done wonders for the book.

I can scarcely put it down now.

It's a...

Wonderful story.

Of course, that's the wonderful thing about being an author--

You can put as many nude women in as you'd like.

My next book is called "a million nude women."

It's a mining story.

It's the story of a million nude women

Who are wandering about in the desert

Looking for somewhere to sit down.

And they wander about for many a year

Till one day, the leader of the nude women,

Beryl jarvis...

Sees a disused mine.

"come on, girls!" she shouts.

She has to shout 'cause the last ones are about 6 miles back.

"come on, girls!

"here's a disused mine at last.

"let's all rush down it...

And dance about."

And...

All the nude ladies rushed down the mine

After beryl jarvis,

And...

And begin to dance about.

It's a scene unparalleled in mining history.

And...

They dance and they dance for days on end,

Till suddenly...

A very frail nude lady

By the name of Stella Whittington

Falls exhausted to the floor

With a shout of "aagh!"

"this is too much."

And the nude ladies see the folly of their ways

And retrace their steps

Over the desert to rejoin the husbands

Who've been sitting on the edge of the desert

Having a drink.

It is a wonderful story.

It would make a wonderful film.

Aagh!

Did you notice for no apparent reason

Very suddenly I went "aagh"?

It's an impediment I got from being down the mine.

Aagh! One day I was walking along in the dark--

Aagh! I saw the body of a dead pit pony.

"aagh!" I went in surprise.

Ever since then, I've been going "aagh" unexpectedly.

And that's another reason why I couldn't be a judge.

It uh...

It destroys the dignity of the court, you see.

A whooping judge is not...

Very much welcome.

But I wish I could have got into judging circles

'cause the trouble with being a miner,

As soon as you're too old and tired and ill

And sick and stupid to do your job properly,

You have to go.

But the very opposite applies to the judges.

So, all in all, I would rather have been a judge

Than a miner

'cause I've always been after the trappings of great luxury.

I've always fancied them.

Yet I've got hold of the trappings of great poverty.

I've got hold of the wrong load of trappings.

And a rotten load of old trappings they are.

[applause]

Here we are. Yeah.

Here we are. Yeah.

Ah ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Unless I'm very much mistaken,

There's the bar.

Ah, a magic white bar.

[all whining]

Yes. Ahh.

I'm not very much of an alcoholic.

Yeah. Ah.

[whining in unison]

Well...

What are you going to have?

[all talking]

Large whiskey, please.

Tell you what, I'll have a double brandy.

Double brandy.

Gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic.

Lager. Lager.

I'll do this. I'll get it.

Drinks are on me.

Drinks are on me.

I've got nothing on me at all.

Do they take luncheon vouchers?

Have you got one?

No. Ah.

Well, they never take them here

Unless you've actually got them.

They're sticky about that.

Why don't we go and sit down

And have a spot of lunch?

Shall we make a move?

It's all right then.

Where do you want to sit?

Is that all right for you?

It's all right for me.

That all right for you?

It's fine with me.

Why the bloody hell don't we?

Let's get hold of a waiter, then.

All: Waiter? Waiter?

I've got one. I've got one here.

I got one! I got one here.

All: Aah.

All: What are we going to have? Hmm.

Yes...

Um...

I'm going to have

The same as you, I think.

Same as me. Yes.

You devil. Ha ha ha.

Good god, have you seen that?

What's that? What?

Good heavens.

Isn't that fantastic?

What's that?

Children under 10, 12 and 6.

Mm-hmm.

That's very cheap.

Really, it's very cheap.

I think they're probably imported.

Yeah.

Probably frozen, I should think.

Oh, probably.

Probably are frozen.

You wouldn't get local children at that price.

I wonder how they prepare them.

I shouldn't think they do.

I should think they spring it on them.

Yeah.

I can't bear children myself.

That's hardly surprising.

Yeah.

Yes, I think I'll steer clear

Of children and follow your example, buffy.

You know your way around this sort of muck.

Yes, all right.

What are you going to have?

Well, I honestly can't decide now.

Typical. Typical.

Uh, look, I'll follow you,

Cliff, if you don't mind.

Oh, right you are.

Well, I have decided actually.

I'm gonna have what you settle for, I think.

Oh, good.

Well, that's very easy then.

That's 4 of the same.

Oh, the bloody waiter's gone.

The waiter's gone?

Our bloody waiter's gone.

Where do you think he's gone?

We come in here...

This expensive restaurant,

And the bloody waiter's gone.

He's gone to get the waiter.

[all talking about the waiter]

[applause]

[piano plays]

29th verse...

Of the 14th chapter

Of the "Book of genesis."

But my brother Esau is an hairy man.

But I am a smooth man.

But my brother esau is an hairy man,

But I--but I...

Am a smooth man.

Perhaps I can paraphrase that--

Say the same thing but in a different way--

By quoting you some words

From that grand old testament prophet Ezra,

Ezra, 4...

16.

He said unto me, "what seest thou?"

And I said, "lo, I see the children of bebai

"numbering 673.

"but I see the children of Azgad

Numbering 1,474."

"I see the children of Bebai numbering 673.

"and I see the children of Azgad

Numbering 1,474."

There come times...

In the lives of each and every one of us

When we turn aside from our fellows

And seek the solitude,

The tranquility of our own fireside.

We put up our feet, don't we?

We put on our slippers, we sit,

And we stare into the fire.

I wonder at such times

Whether your thoughts turn as mine do

To those words I've just read you now.

They're very unique words,

They've very special words

Because these are words that express

As so very words do.

That sense of lack

Which lies at the very heart of modern existence.

That--that...

"I don't quite know what it is,

"but I'm not getting everything out of life

That I should be getting"

Sort of feeling.

Because there are more than this, you know, these words.

They are much, much, much more.

Because they are in a very real sense

A challenge to each and every one of us here tonight.

What is that challenge?

The other evening,

I was strolling through Piccadilly Circus

When my eye was caught

By a rather personable young lady

Who was sitting there on a bench.

And as I walked by,

She called out to me,

And she said...

"hey, padre,

Have you got the time?"

I had the time.

And I stopped and told it to her.

And she seemed most anxious to chat.

So, I sat down beside her on the bench.

In the course of conversation,

I laid my hand upon her knee.

And, suddenly, she said,

"hey, padre...

What's the little game?"

"hey, padre...

What's the little game?"

I was very grateful to that young lady

Because, you see, she put me in mind

Of the kind of question

I thought I ought to be asking you here tonight:

What's the little game?

What is this whole vivid exciting little game

That we call life about?

Very many years ago, when I was...

When I was about as old as some of you are now,

I went mountain climbing in Scotland

With a very dear friend of mine.

There was this mountain, you see...

And we decided to climb it.

So, very early one morning,

We arose, and we began to climb.

All day we climbed.

Up and up and up,

Higher and higher and higher

Till the valley lay very small below us.

The mist of the evening began to come down

And the sun to set.

When we reached the summit,

We sat down to watch this tremendous sight

Of the sun going down behind the mountains.

And as we watched,

My friend, very suddenly and violently, vomited.

Some of us think life's a bit like that.

But it isn't, you know.

Life...

Life, well, it's rather like

Opening a tin a sardines.

We're all of us looking for the key.

Some of us...

Some of us think we've found the key, don't we?

Oh, we think we've found the key.

We roll back the lid of the sardine tin of life,

We reveal the sardines--

The riches of life therein.

We get them out, we enjoy them.

But you know...

There's always a little bit in the corner

That you can't get out.

I wonder...

Is there a little bit in the corner of your life?

I know there is in mine.

So, now I draw to a close

And we prepare to go out into the world.

I want you in times of trouble and sorrow

And hopelessness and despair

Amid the hurly-burly of modern life

If ever you're tempted to say,

"oh, stuff this for a lark..."

I want you then to remember

For comfort the words of my first text to you tonight.

"but my brother Esau is an hairy man,

But I am a smooth man."

[applause]

[piano playing]

Sustain we now a description of a time

When petty lust and other weaning tyranny

Offend the rack of state.

Thus fly we now as after with fevers did...

Fair easter off unto far Flanders court.

Where is the warlike Worrick

Like to the mole that sat on hector's brow.

Fair set for England and for war!

[piano plays]

And so, we bid you welcome to our court,

Exeter from Albany,

And you are sweetest Essex.

Take this, my hand,

And you, fair essex, this.

And with this bond, we'll cry anon

And shout Jack Cock of London to the full.

Jack Cock of London.

Approach your ears

And kindly bend your conscience to my piece.

Our ruddy scouts to me this hefty news have put

The naughty English expecting now

Some pregnance in our plan,

Have, for some haughty purpose,

Bent Iolaus unto the service of their sail.

So even nowm while we to the wanton lute do strut,

Is brutish boning broke

Bent fair upon some fickle circumstance.

All: Some fickle circumstance.

Get thee to Gloucester, Essex.

Do thee to Wessex, Exeter.

Fair Albany to Somerset must eke his route

And Scroop, do you to Westmoreland

Where shall bold York,

Enrouted now for Lancaster.

With forces of our uncle Rutland,

Enjoin his standard with sweet Norfolk's host.

Fair Sussex.

Yeah.

Get thee to Warwicksbourne.

And there, with frowning purpose,

Tell our plan to Bedford's tilted ear.

That he shall press

With most insensait speed

And join his warlike effort

To bold Dorset's side.

I, most royally, shall now to bed,

To sleep off all the nonsense I've just said.

[piano plays]

Is it botched up then, master Puke?

Aye, marry indeed, good master Snot.

Oh.

'tis said our master the duke

Hath contrived some naughtiness

Against his son the king.

Oh. Aye!

And it doth...

It doth confound our merrymaking.

Argh. Ow!

Oh!

What say you, master Puke?

I am for Lancaster

And that's to say for good shoe leather.

Aha!

Come, speak, good master Puke.

Or hath the leather

Blocked up thy tongue?

Ah ha ha!

Oh, why then

Go trippingly upon thy good laces, good grit?

Art leather--

Art leather laces they undoing?

Oh! Oh!

They shall undo many a fair boot this day.

Ahh! Right!

All: Come, let's to our royal revel!

And with our song, enchant our king.

[singing gibberish

[strumming]

[singing in a high voice]

[continues singing]

Wise words in mouths of fools

Do oft themselves belie.

Good fool, shall essex prosper?

Aye, prosper.

Say you, prosper, fool?

Aye, prosper.

Merry then, methinks will prosper.

In saying prosper, do we say

To cut the knot which crafty nature

Hath within our bowels locked up.

But soft.

And who comes here?

Oh, good, my lord!

Unstop your ear and yet prepare

To hear the optic theatre of my experience.

Such news I bring as only

Can crack op' the casket of your soul.

Not 6 miles hence there grows an oak

Who's not defused and gendered

In the dusky woods that raise itself

Most impudent towards the solstice sun.

So saying, did there die, and dying so did say.

Oh, god.

This was most gravely undertaken.

[plucks strings]

And undertaken has Essex gravely answered it.

Why, then, we'll muster--

Into the field of battle go.

And unto them, our english sinews show!

[drums beating]

Why, then, was this encounter nobly entertained.

And so, by steel shall this our contest

Now be buckled up.

Come, sir. Let's toot.

Let's toot.

With steel, measure thyself

That thou shalt thyself

In himself embowel.

Ha! Ha!

A hit.

No, sir. A miss!

Come, sir, art foppish I' the mouth.

I thought I might have in the steam.

Ha ha! Aha!

Whoa.

[grunting]

Oh, god!

Fair cousin, thou hast done me wrong.

[groaning]

[screaming]

Now the steel...

Twixt gut and bladder interposed.

Oh, saucy worcester.

Dost thou lie so still.

[falsetto singing]

� now hath mortality

� her tithe collected

� and sovereign albany to the worms �

� his corpse committed �

� yet weep we not

� this fustian life is short �

� let's on to ponefract �

� to sanctify our court

[applause]

How will it be this end

Of which you have spoken, brother Edmond?

Both: Aye. How will it be?

Well, it will be as 'twere

A great rending in the sky, you see.

And the mountains shall sink

And the valleys shall rise.

And great will be the tumult thereof, I should imagine.

Will the veil of the temple

Be rent in twain?

I hope so.

I'm looking forward to that.

Will there be a mighty wind?

Certainly there will be a mighty wind,

If the word of god is anything to go by.

And will this wind be so mighty

As to lay low the mountains

Of the earth?

No, it will not be quite as mighty as that.

That is why we've come up on the mountain,

You stupid nit, to be safe from it.

All right then, when will it be?

Aye. When?

In about 30 seconds' time

According to the ancient pyramidic scrolls.

We better compose ourselves.

What a wonderful idea.

15 seconds.

Hey, have you got the picnic basket?

Yes. 5.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Zero.

All: � now is the end

� perish the world

It was g.M.T., wasn't it?

Well, it's not quite the conflagration

We'd been banking on.

Never mind, lads.

Same time tomorrow?

We must get a winner one day.

[applause]

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