Original subtitles

[TELEPHONES RINGING]

♪♪ ALL AROUND, THERE'S A SOUND OF A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ BELLS IN THE AIR ♪♪

Man: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

♪♪ I CAN HEAR VOICES THAT PASS ON THE STREET ♪♪

♪♪ AND LOVERS ♪♪

♪♪ RUSHING TO MEET ♪♪

♪♪ HERE ALONE ♪♪ [RINGS STOP]

♪♪ I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE SIGHT ♪♪

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

♪♪ ME ON THE TOWN IN SOME BEWITCHING GOWN ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I JUST WAIT AT THE END OF THE NIGHT ♪♪

[RINGING STOPS]

♪♪ AS BELLS ARE RINGING ♪♪

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

♪♪ THE BELLS KEEP RINGING ♪♪

♪♪ OH, WHY, OH, WHY CAN'T THE NEXT ONE BE MINE ♪♪

[RINGING STOPS]

Man: THESE GIRLS MISSED AN IMPORTANT TELEPHONE CALL.

DON'T LET THE SAME THING HAPPEN TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

SUBSCRIBE TO AN ANSWERING SERVICE.

AN ANSWERING SERVICE?

AN ANSWERING SERVICE IS A SERVICE

WHICH ANSWERS YOUR TELEPHONE WHEN YOU ARE OUT,

GIVES AND TAKES YOUR MESSAGES,

AND REACHES YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE.

ON NEW YORK'S SMART EAST SIDE,

THE SMARTEST EAST-SIDERS ALL USE SUSANSWERPHONE.

SUSANSWERPHONE?

THIS IS WHAT SUSANSWERPHONE CAN DO FOR YOU.

Woman: WHILE YOU WERE OUT, THE AGENCY CALLED.

YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.

OH!

WHILE YOU WERE OUT, YOUR LAWYER CALLED.

YOUR UNCLE'S LEFT YOU EVERYTHING IN HIS WILL.

OH!

WHILE YOU WERE OUT, HE CALLED

AND SAID TO TELL YOU HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU.

OH!

♪♪ THANK YOU, THANK YOU ♪♪

♪♪ THANK YOU, SUSANSWERPHONE ♪♪

♪♪ AHH, AHH ♪♪

Man: SO JOIN THE CREAM OF NEW YORK'S ELITE.

USE SUSANSWERPHONE.

OUR LUXURIOUS OFFICES EXUDE CHARM,

ELEGANCE, CONFIDENCE,

CHIC GOOD TASTE, AND GLAMOUR.

SUSANSWERPHONE.

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZES]

Woman: MRS. VAN RENSSELAER'S RESIDENCE.

Man: HELLO. IS MRS. VAN RENSSELAER AT HOME?

Woman: NO, BUT SHE MAY BE REACHED

IN CARE OF COUNTESS TORPOLINO IN PORTOFINO, ITALY.

Man: THANK YOU.

NOT AT ALL.

BOY, IT'S HOT.

[BUZZ]

SUSANSWERPHONE.

THIS IS MRS. MALLET.

IS THIS, UM, SANTA CLAUS?

YES, MRS. MALLET. PUT JUNIOR ON.

Boy: HELLO, SANTA CLAUS!

[DEEP VOICE] HO HO HO HO HO!

HELLO?

I HEAR YOU'RE NOT EATING YOUR SPINACH AGAIN.

THAT MAKES SANTA VERY SAD.

OH OH OH!

ALL RIGHT, SANTA CLAUS.

I--I WILL. GOOD-BYE!

GOOD-BYE.

[BUZZ]

LA PETITE BERGERE RESTAURANT FRANCAIS. BONJOUR.

Man: BONJOUR. I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATION.

[FRENCH ACCENT] I'M SORRY. WE ARE CLOSED FOR ALL OF AUGUST.

THANKS.

DE RIEN.

[BUZZ]

YES?

THIS IS MR. CHANDLER.

THE LINES AT GRAND CENTRAL STATION ARE ALL BUSY.

COULD YOU TELL ME WHEN THE NIGHT TRAIN LEAVES

FOR CRANBERRY FALLS, VERMONT?

I'LL LOOK IT RIGHT UP FOR YOU, MR. CHANDLER.

[BUZZ]

[SLOWLY] THIS IS DR. KITCHELL'S DENTAL CLINIC.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

[QUICKLY] MR. CHANDLER,

YOUR TRAIN LEAVES AT 10:45 P.M.

[SLOWLY] THIS IS THE DENTAL CLINIC.

MAY I HELP YOU?

Man: THIS IS MR. FERGUSON.

THAT BRIDGE HE PUT IN YESTERDAY JUST COLLAPSED!

[NORMAL VOICE] OH, MR. FERGUSON, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

YOU CAN REACH DR. KITCHELL

AT THE HARMONY MUSIC PUBLISHING COMPANY.

WHAT?! SWELL PLACE FOR A DENT--

GIVE ME THE NUMBER THERE, WILL YOU?

ONE MOMENT. I'LL LOOK IT UP FOR YOU.

[BUZZ]

SUSANSWERPHONE.

Man: HI, BABY. LET ME TALK TO NICK.

I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

MR. FERGUSON?

YOU CAN REACH THE DOCTOR AT JASPER 4-5066.

[BUZZ]

JEFFREY MOSS RESIDENCE.

[SHRILL VOICE] THIS IS OLGA.

CAN I TALK TO JEFFREY, PLEASE?

I'M SORRY, MISS OLGA, BUT MR. MOSS IS, UM,

IN CONFERENCE ON HIS PLAY.

CONFERENCE?! HE'S ASLEEP!

NOW, YOU PUT ME THROUGH.

I'M SORRY. HOLD ON, MISS OLGA.

SUSANSWERPHONE.

Woman, Italian accent: HALLO.

THIS IS ROSINA GRIMALDI.

OH, MADAME GRIMALDI, HOW'S YOUR LARYNGITIS?

[SINGS IN OPERATIC VOICE]

AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU

AND YOUR WONDERFUL MUSTARD PLASTER.

I'M SO GLAD.

LISTEN, THAT MUSTARD PLASTER'S SO PURE,

IF THERE'S ANY LEFT OVER,

YOU CAN PUT IT ON A HOT DOG.

I'M SO GRATEFUL.

I'M SENDING YOU BEAUTIFUL BALL GOWN

MADE FOR TRAVIATA.

ARRIVEDERCI, ARRIVEDERCI, DARLING.

HEY. MADAME GRIMALDI'S SENDING ME A BALL GOWN

MADE FOR TRAVIATA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR IT?

MISS OLGA, I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE FOR MR. MOSS?

I'VE BEEN WAITING SINCE 11:00

FOR HIM TO TAKE ME TO THE RACES!

I CAN'T SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE

WAITING FOR HIM TO TAKE ME TO THE RACES,

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

[CLICK]

[IMITATES OLGA] THE RACES!

THAT'S ALL HE NEEDS IS TO BE TAKEN TO THE RACES.

AS IF HE HASN'T GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE NOW.

ELLA...

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP WORRYING

ABOUT THAT PLAYBOY?

HE'S NOT A PLAYBOY.

HE'S A VERY TALENTED PLAYWRIGHT.

ALL HE DOES IS PLAY. HE NEVER WRITES.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HE AND HIS PARTNER HAVE WRITTEN

MOST OF THE SUCCESSFUL SUCCESSES ON BROADWAY.

SO, WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

HIS PARTNER LEFT HIM.

SO?

HE HAS TO WRITE ALONE.

SO LET HIM WRITE ALONE. BIG DEAL.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THAT CAN MEAN TO SOMEBODY?

HE'S TERRIFIED THAT HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE

TO MAKE IT ALONE.

HE'S SENSITIVE. HE'S CREATIVE.

HI, GIRLS.

HI. HE'S ARTISTIC.

[HUMMING]

OH, ELLA!

LOOK AT THIS.

MISS NUMBER 63 IS CANCELING SERVICE

BECAUSE SHE'S MARRYING MR. NUMBER 78.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL!

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I JUST HAPPENED TO KNOW THAT MISS NUMBER 63

WANTED TO MATE HER FEMALE SIAMESE CAT,

AND I ALSO KNEW THAT MR. NUMBER 78

HAD A MALE SIAMESE CAT,

SO I TOLD HER, AND SHE CALLED HIM,

AND THEY ALL GOT TOGETHER.

THE FACT REMAINS,

WE NOW HAVE ONE ACCOUNT

INSTEAD OF TWO.

ELLA, I HAVE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES,

JUST GIVE AND TAKE MESSAGES.

THAT'S ALL.

DON'T BE SO HELPFUL TO THE SUBSCRIBERS.

IT COULD GET US INTO TROUBLE.

WHY DON'T YOU HELP YOURSELF

AND GET YOURSELF A MAN?

ELLA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I MADE THAT DATE FOR YOU AT 5:00.

DO I HAVE TO GO?

DO YOU HAVE--

ELLA...THIS IS THE SIXTH YOUNG MAN

I'VE DREDGED UP THIS YEAR.

HE'S A VERY NICE YOUNG MAN.

HE'S THE NEPHEW OF MY DEAREST FRIEND,

SO, PLEASE, MAKE AN EFFORT.

ALL RIGHT.

ELLA!

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T FORGET TO WAKE JEFFREY MOSS UP

IN TIME FOR HIS... APPOINTMENT.

ALL THAT YAKETY-YAK AT THE BOARD,

AND YET EVERY TIME SHE GOES OUT WITH A REAL FELLOW,

SHE CLAMS UP LIKE AN OYSTER.

SHE'S A LITTLE SHY.

HER FINGERS TURN INTO THUMBS.

IT TAKES A LITTLE WHILE.

SHE KNOCKS THINGS OVER, SPILLS DRINKS--

THE ONLY THING SHE HASN'T DONE IS CATCH ON FIRE.

[BUZZ]

MISS PRINGLE'S RESIDENCE.

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T POSSIBLY

HOLD A TABLE FOR THAT LENGTH OF TIME.

I HAVE RESERVATIONS. LET ME LOOK.

CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN.

JUST A MOMENT, SIR.

WILL WE GET OUR TABLE PRETTY SOON?

WE'VE BEEN WAITING 20 MINUTES.

I'LL CHECK AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

THE ONLY THING IS, I'M AFRAID MY DATE

IS GOING TO DIE OF STARVATION.

I'LL CHECK AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

WOULD YOU, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

HELLO, MR. CHASE? YES. 10:15, A PARTY OF 4.

I'M SORRY. THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO.

I SEEM TO HAVE PICKED OUT THE WRONG PLACE.

THEY'RE SO BUSY HERE,

WE MAY HAVE TO DO OUR OWN COOKING.

ANYWAY, WE HAVE THESE.

NOW IF WE COULD JUST GET OUR TABLE. CAPTAIN !

YOU'RE BEING AN AWFULLY GOOD SPORT ABOUT ALL THIS.

LET'S HAVE A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP.

FRIENDSHIP IS THE GIFT OF--

OH! I'M SORRY.

OH, I'M SORRY.

JUST WHEN I'M TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

I'LL GET IT.

OH, NO, I'LL GET--

AAH!

OH, IT'S--

SORRY.

I HOPE I DIDN'T HURT YOU.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

YOU'LL THINK I'M AN AWFUL OAF.

I'D BETTER GET THE WAITER AND GET ANOTHER DRINK.

OH, NO. TAKE THIS ONE.

NO, NO. YOU KEEP THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

WELL, LET'S SHARE IT, THEN.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

YOU TAKE THE FIRST SIP.

IT'S GETTING SO LATE. I WISH THEY'D--OH, CAPTAIN!

OH, IT IS GETTING LATE.

OH, I MISSED HIM AGAIN.

OH...

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT USUALLY THIS CLUMSY.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH,

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

BLIND DATES DON'T USUALLY TURN OUT THIS WELL,

AND I APPROACHED THIS DATE WITH SOME TREPIDATION.

I'VE HAD SOME TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES.

YOU KNOW, MY AUNT--

BLESS HER, BUT SHE AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS,

INCLUDING--IF YOU'LL FORGIVE ME--YOUR COUSIN SUE,

HAVE COME UP WITH SOME OF THE MOST AWFUL DOG--

EXCUSE ME. SOME OF THE STRANGEST GIRLS,

SO WHEN YOU SHOWED UP...

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.

THAT'S AN ART IN ITSELF.

HELPS TO BUILD THE OTHER PERSON'S EGO.

I GUESS YOU MUST BE THINKING

THAT I'M KIND OF GARRULOUS,

THE WAY I'VE MONOPOLIZED THE CONVERSATION, BUT--

OH, CAPTAIN!

I'M CHECKING ON YOUR TABLE RIGHT NOW, SIR.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH! OH, I'M SORRY.

YOUR TABLE IS READY NOW. THIS WAY, PLEASE.

OH, THANK YOU. WE CAN GO NOW.

OH! OH, I'M SORRY.

REALLY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I GUESS NOTHING ELSE CAN HAPPEN TO US.

YOU HAVE DAYS LIKE THAT

WHERE NOTHING GOES RIGHT.

THAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST WEEK.

FROM THE FIRST THING IN THE--

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

MY FAULT, MADAM.

ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S POSSIBLE

THAT THE STARS HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT.

I'VE READ ABOUT THAT IN THE SCIENCE ANNUAL.

[STAIRS CREAK]

WELL! YOU JUST BEAT YOUR OWN RECORD.

DOOR-TO-DOOR IN 45 MINUTES.

HOW'D IT GO?

OH, FINE. MY DATE SUDDENLY REMEMBERED

A PRESSING ENGAGEMENT.

WITH A TAILOR?

YES.

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZING]

WHAT HAPPENED?

DR. STAFFORD'S OFFICE.

THIS IS MRS. HERMAN.

OH, MRS. HERMAN.

YOUR BASAL METABOLISM TEST

WILL BE AT 9:00 TOMORROW MORNING,

SO DON'T EAT ANYTHING WHEN YOU WAKE UP,

NOT EVEN COFFEE.

AND DON'T SMOKE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD-BYE.

Ella: HEY, GWYNNE, WHERE'S SUE?

YOU'RE SAFE. SHE'S OUT WITH OTTO.

WHO?

YOU KNOW--THAT EUROPEAN RECORDING GUY.

OH. GOOD.

I PUT A FILE IN THIS LOAF OF BREAD

IN CASE YOU WANT TO BREAK OUT OF HERE.

HI, CARL.

HI. IF YOU GOT ANY MONEY ON YOU,

I'D BE DELIGHTED TO TREAT YOU TO A SODA

AT THE DRUGSTORE.

OH, I'D LOVE IT! ELLA...

OH, GO AHEAD, GWYNNE. I'LL BE HERE.

THANKS.

DID YOU REMEMBER TO WAKE UP JEFFREY MOSS?

I TRIED. THE SLEEPING PRINCE

SAID TO CALL HIM AGAIN AT 6:00.

BUT THAT MEANS HE DIDN'T KEEP HIS APPOINTMENT

WITH HIS PRODUCER!

ELLA, HE'S ONLY A DISEMBODIED VOICE, REMEMBER?

JEFFREY MOSS IS JUST PLAZA-OH-DOUBLE-4-DOUBLE-3.

HE DOESN'T MEAN ANY MORE THAN ANY OTHER SUBSCRIBER TO ME.

[ALARM RINGS]

6:00. I HAVE TO WAKE HIM!

YEAH.

[WHISTLES]

Man, sleepy: H'LO. HELLO.

[MUMBLING]

[OLDER VOICE] HELLO, MR. MOSS?

IS THAT YOU, MOM?

YES. IT'S 6:00. TIME TO GET UP!

UHH.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

ELLA, AREN'T YOU EVER GOING TO GIVE UP

THAT OLD LADY'S VOICE YOU USE ON HIM?

HE NEEDS A MOTHER.

[OLDER VOICE] HELLO, MR. MOSS?

YOU LEFT YOURSELF THIS MESSAGE.

"GET UP, YOU THREE-TOED SLOTH.

"YOU'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH LARRY HASTINGS

ABOUT YOUR PLAY, THE MIDAS TOUCH."

WELL, YOU MISSED THAT APPOINTMENT, MR. MOSS.

UHH...ALL RIGHT.

TELL WHAT YOU DO.

[YAWN]

YOU CALL ME BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS.

OH, NO, MR. MOSS.

[IMITATES TRUMPET PLAYING REVEILLE]

[HUMMING TAPS]

[CUTS CONNECTION]

[SIGH]

♪♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ WITH A MAN ♪♪

♪♪ PLAZA OH DOUBLE 4 DOUBLE 3 ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP ♪♪

♪♪ I CAN'T SEE HIM ♪♪

♪♪ HE CAN'T SEE ME ♪♪

♪♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ WITH A VOICE ♪♪

♪♪ PLAZA OH DOUBLE 4 DOUBLE 3 ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP ♪♪

♪♪ I TALK TO HIM ♪♪

♪♪ AND HE JUST TALKS TO ME ♪♪

♪♪ AND YET I CAN'T HELP WONDERING ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? ♪♪

♪♪ I WISH I KNEW ♪♪

[CANARY PEEPS]

♪♪ WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? ♪♪

[PEEP]

♪♪ IS HE 6 FOOT 7 OR 3 FOOT 2? ♪♪

♪♪ HAS HE EYES OF BROWN OR BABY BLUE? ♪♪

♪♪ BIG AND MIGHTY OR UNDERFED? ♪♪

♪♪ TRIM, BLACK MUSTACHE OR BEARD OF RED? ♪♪

♪♪ CAN HE DANCE LIKE FRED ASTAIRE? ♪♪

♪♪ IS HE DARK, OR IS HE FAIR? ♪♪

♪♪ POMPADOUR OR NOT A HAIR? ♪♪

♪♪ WELL, I DON'T CARE ♪♪

♪♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ WITH A MAN ♪♪

♪♪ PLAZA OH DOUBLE 4 DOUBLE 3 ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP ♪♪

♪♪ AND THAT'S HOW THINGS SHOULD ALWAYS BE ♪♪

♪♪ OUR LOVE CAN NEVER LOSE ITS MYSTERY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'LL NEVER MEET HIM ♪♪

♪♪ AND HE'LL NEVER MEET ME ♪♪

♪♪ NO, HE'LL NEVER MEET ME ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? ♪♪

♪♪ MY SLEEPING PRINCE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? ♪♪

♪♪ TOUGH AS NAILS WITH A BLACK CIGAR? ♪♪

♪♪ AS HANDSOME AS A MOVIE STAR? ♪♪

♪♪ STERN AS AN EAGLE, SHY AS A DOVE? ♪♪

♪♪ A FACE THAT ONLY A MOTHER COULD LOVE? ♪♪

♪♪ IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE IS ♪♪

♪♪ I'M HIS, HIS, HIS ♪♪

♪♪ BUT HE'S STILL JUST A VOICE ♪♪

♪♪ PLAZA OH DOUBLE 4 DOUBLE 3 ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP ♪♪

♪♪ I CAN'T SEE HIM ♪♪

♪♪ HE CAN'T SEE ME ♪♪

♪♪ HE CALLS ME "MOM" ♪♪

♪♪ HE THINKS I'M 63 ♪♪

♪♪ AND I'LL NEVER MEET HIM ♪♪

♪♪ AND HE'LL NEVER MEET ME ♪♪

♪♪ NO, HE'LL NEVER MEET ME ♪♪

Ella, older voice: SUSANSWERPHONE.

HI, MOM?

YES, MR. MOSS?

I'M GOING TO BE IN ALL NIGHT WORKING.

WORKING?

GOT A LITTLE OLD FIRE TO PUT OUT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME I'LL GET TO BED,

BUT YOU CALL ME AT, UH...7:00.

7 A.M.? ALL RIGHT, MR. MOSS. I'LL WAKE YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, MOM, YOU STILL THERE?

YES.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I JUST SORT OF THOUGHT

MAYBE YOU AND I COULD SHOOT THE BREEZE, YOU KNOW?

OR CHEW THE OLD FAT-EROO.

HEE HEE HEE!

MOM, I'M SCARED.

OH, YOU MUSTN'T BE.

I KNOW. YOU'VE TOLD ME THAT A THOUSAND TIMES,

BUT THIS IS IT.

THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE.

LAST CHANCE?

YEAH, LARRY JUST BLEW HIS STACK,

AND HE SAID IF I DON'T COME IN WITH AN OUTLINE

OF THE LAST TWO ACTS BY 4 P.M. TOMORROW,

HE'S GOING TO DROP THE MIDAS TOUCH.

MR. MOSS, I KNOW YOU CAN WRITE BY YOURSELF

WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER.

NOW YOU SIT DOWN AND FINISH THAT OUTLINE!

MOM, YOU REALLY CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME, DON'T YOU?

NO AX TO GRIND.

NOT LIKE THE BUNCH OF PHONIES THAT I PAL AROUND WITH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD

I CAN REALLY TALK TO, MOM.

THANK YOU, MR. MOSS.

NOW YOU GET TO WORK!

YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM. I WILL. AND DON'T FORGET--7:00.

♪♪ YOU GOT TO DO IT, YOU GOT TO DO IT ♪♪

♪♪ GOT TO DO IT ALL ALONE ♪♪

♪♪ NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR YOU ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN ♪♪

♪♪ DO IT ♪♪

♪♪ IT MAY BE LOVE OR WAR OR MOPPING UP THE FLOOR ♪♪

♪♪ BUT JUST DO IT ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T SEND A FRIEND WHO'S TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ TO PITCH A WOO FOR YOU, OR YOU'LL RUE IT ♪♪

♪♪ DO IT YOURSELF ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T FAKE IT ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU'RE A FAKE, YOU WON'T MAKE IT ♪♪

♪♪ WAIT FOR YOUR BREAK AND THEN TAKE IT ♪♪

♪♪ FOR TIME AND TIDE, THEY WAIT FOR NO MAN ♪♪

♪♪ GO, GO, GO, MAN ♪♪

♪♪ DO IT ♪♪

♪♪ TO PROVE A POINT AT HAND ♪♪

♪♪ JUST LOOK AT OLD MILES STANDISH, WHO BLEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ HE SAID, "JOHN ALDEN, WILL YOU GO ASK PRISCILLA TO DO IT?" ♪♪

♪♪ MILES GOT THE HEAVE-HO ♪♪

♪♪ MAN ♪♪

♪♪ PRISCILLA SAID, "NOW THAT MILES IS GONE" ♪♪

♪♪ "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, DEAR JOHN" ♪♪

♪♪ HE BLEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ SO DO IT, DO IT, DO IT YOURSELF ♪♪

AH, WHAT'S THE USE?

I'LL NEVER MAKE IT ALONE.

PEEP.

[PEEP]

PEEP.

[PEEP]

[LOWER VOICE] PEEP.

[CANARIES PEEPING]

[WHISPERS] Francie.

FRANCIE!

HERE IT IS.

LOOK. THE MINUTE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

GETS ON THE PHONE,

TURN ON THE TAPE RECORDER.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, INSPECTOR BARNES?

MISTER BARNES, YOU MEATHEAD.

I'M GOING TO GET A PROMOTION

FOR CLOSING UP THIS JOINT.

JUST BECAUSE THE LAW ARRESTED ALL THOSE GIRLS

AT ALL-ALONE-A-PHONE

DOESN'T MEAN EVERY ANSWERING SERVICE

IS A FRONT FOR A-- LONELY-HEARTS CLUB.

COME ON.

[CANARIES PEEPING]

PEEP.

[PEEP]

PEEP.

[PEEP]

PEEP.

[PEEP]

PEEP.

[PEEP]

PEEP.

HOW DO YOU DO?

PEEP! OH!

MY NAME IS BARNES.

WE'RE DOING A LITTLE ARTICLE ON THE ANSWERING SERVICES.

WE'RE FROM, UH...

VOGUE MAGAZINE.

OH.

WE'D JUST LIKE TO ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

OH. VOGUE?

YES.

ME? OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

I'D BE GLAD TO.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

NO, THANK YOU. WE'LL STAND JUST NOW.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, TELL ME, DO YOU ENJOY DOING THIS LINE OF WORK?

OH, I LOVE IT HERE.

I USED TO BE A PLAIN SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

IN A LINGERIE HOUSE.

PRETTY DULL,

EXCEPT FOR A LITTLE MODELING ON THE SIDE.

MODELING ON THE SIDE, EH?

BUT THIS IS SO MUCH MORE PERSONAL.

I COME INTO CONTACT WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT TYPES,

AND I CAN GIVE EACH ONE

THE PARTICULAR KIND OF HELP HE NEEDS.

MY COUSIN SUE THINKS I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME

WITH EACH ONE.

SHE KEEPS SAYING, "GET IT OVER WITH

AND GET ON TO THE NEXT ONE."

[BUZZ]

EXCUSE ME.

YES, OF COURSE.

MADAME GRIMALDI'S.

NO. THE MADAME IS OUT.

WELL, THERE ARE SEVERAL OF US.

OH, THAT'S ME.

CHARGE? FOR ANY FRIEND OF MADAME GRIMALDI'S,

IT'S FREE.

OK, SISTER, HANG IT UP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HANG IT UP?

COME ON, GET YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AND COME ON ALONG HERE.

MY TOOTHRBUSH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

Gwynne: OH, IT'S HOT!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I WORK HERE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER COME ALONG, TOO.

Sue: PARK THE CAR, OTTO, AND HURRY BACK.

WHY, GIRLS, WHAT ARE THESE MEN DOING HERE?

WE'RE GOING TO CLOSE UP THE JOINT.

YOU'RE ALL COMING ALONG-- WOMEN'S DETENTION HOME.

INSPECTOR BARNES, VICE SQUAD.

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW YOU'D GET US INTO TROUBLE.

I WARNED YOU.

BUT, INSPECTOR, WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?

WELL, I'LL JUST LET YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

Ella on tape: MADAME GRIMALDI'S.

NO. THE MADAME IS OUT.

WELL, THERE ARE SEVERAL OF US.

OH, THAT'S ME.

CHARGE? FOR ANY FRIEND OF MADAME GRIMALDI'S,

IT'S FREE.

OK, WHICH ONE IS THE MADAME?

THAT'S MADAME GRIMALDI, THE OPERA STAR.

I RECOMMENDED A MUSTARD PLASTER

FOR HER COLD,

SO THEN HER FR--OH!

HAVE YOU GOT A DIRTY MIND!

OK, INSPECTOR, YOU TAKE ME

DOWN TO THE WOMEN'S DETENTION HOME.

BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH YOU,

I'LL HAVE YOU DEMOTED TO A CHICKEN INSPECTOR.

AND HERE'S OUR LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS, INSPECTOR.

OH. WELL... WELL, ALL RIGHT.

I--I--I MADE A MISTAKE.

MAYBE... NOW, LISTEN.

I'M GOING TO BE AROUND,

AND I'M GOING TO BE LISTENING IN.

MONITORING THE PHONE?

ANY PERSONAL OR FRIENDLY TALK

WITH A SUBSCRIBER, LITTLE LADY,

OR LET'S SAY MEETING ANY MALE CLIENTS

ON THE OUTSIDE, AND YOU AND THE MADAME

ARE GOING TO BE TAKING CALLS

AT THE WOMEN'S DETENTION HOME.

[MAN HUMMING LOUDLY]

OTTO!

LIEBCHEN!

AH...I HAVE THE KEYS TO YOUR CAR.

YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO MY HEART.

OH, OTTO.

UH, OH, THIS IS MY COUSIN ELLA PETERSON,

AND THIS IS GWYNNE,

AND THIS IS A MR. BARNES.

MR. BARNES. CHARMED.

LET ME PRESENT MYSELF.

I AM J. OTTO PRANTZ,

PRESIDENT OF THE TITANIC RECORD COMPANY,

PURVEYORS OF CLASSICAL MUSIC.

TITANIC RECORDS-- THE HIGHEST FI OF THEM ALL.

AH, THIS LOVELY LADY HAS PERSUADED ME

TO MOVE ALL MY RECORDING ENTERPRISES HERE,

WHERE I'LL EMBARK ON A SALES CAMPAIGN

ON AN OVERALL URBAN SATURATION BASIS

TO BRING KULTUR TO THE MASSES.

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING, PROFESSOR.

WELL, GOOD-BYE, MR. BARNES.

WELL, NOW, THIS HAS BEEN

A PLEASURE, LADIES,

BUT YOU JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.

COME ON, FRANCIE.

PLEASE TAKE CARE, MISS.

YOU KNOW IT'S ILLEGAL TO PASS ON

INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE

TO A SUBSCRIBER,

EVEN FOR A MUSTARD PLASTER.

Barnes: FRANCIE!

OH, OTTO!

YOU CAN PUT YOUR THINGS RIGHT OVER HERE.

AH, SPLENDID.

[HUMMING]

OH, OTTO, I'LL TAKE THAT.

ELLA, PLEASE,

REMEMBER WHAT INSPECTOR BARNES SAID.

STAY OUT OF THE LIVES OF THE SUBSCRIBERS.

OH, I KNOW-- THEY ALL NEED HELP.

DR. KITCHELL WANTS TO WRITE SONGS.

BLAKE BARTON WANTS TO BE AN ACTOR.

BUT THEY'LL GET ALONG.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE...

[TOGETHER] AND TAKE MESSAGES, THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN IT!

WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING TO BE AROUND HERE,

I MIGHT AS WELL BE BACK

AT THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE BRASSIERE COMPANY.

LIEBCHEN.

OH, OTTO, IT'S LOVELY!

OH, OH, I AM DESOLATE,

BUT I MUST GO TO A VERY IMPORTANT

BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING

AT THE TITANIC RECORDS

AND TELL THEM OF OUR NEW

MILLION-DOLLAR EXPANSION PROGRAM

FOR SUSANSWERPHONE.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.

OH!

♪♪ LA LA LA BUM BUM BA BA BUM ♪♪

LET'S GO. COME ON. STEP LIVELY NOW.

COME ON, FELLA. COME ON. COME ON.

LET'S GO. COME ON. INSIDE. INSIDE.

INSIDE. LET'S GO. COME ON.

COME ON, LADIES, LET'S GO. STEP IT UP.

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,

AND LADIES.

THE FIRST BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING

OF THE TITANIC RECORD COMPANY

IS HEREBY CALLED TO ORDER.

IN OTHER WORDS, GOOD EVENING, FELLOW BOOKIES.

TITANIC RECORDS--

WHAT IS TITANIC RECORDS?

THAT'S US.

AT LAST, A FOOLPROOF SYSTEM

WHICH WILL ALLOW US TO OPERATE

UNDER THE VERY EYES AND EARS OF THE LAW

AND YET SEEM TO BE SERVING THE CAUSE OF KULTUR.

NOW, TO BEGIN WITH, WE DO NOT MAKE BETS ON HORSES.

WE TAKE ORDERS FOR RECORDS.

RECORDS? WHAT DOES HE MEAN--RECORDS?

[BANGS ON PIPE]

AS YOU ALL KNOW, THERE ARE

MANY DIFFERENT RACETRACKS IN THE COUNTRY.

THERE IS DEL MAR, PIMLICO, HOLLYWOOD PARK, ROCKINGHAM,

AND IN FLORIDA, THE FAMOUS HIALEAH RACETRACK,

TO MENTION BUT A FEW.

NOW, LOUIS, LOUIS,

ASK ME ABOUT PLACING A TYPICAL BET.

UH, I'LL BET 500 BUCKS

ON THE NOSE ON NUMBER SIX

IN THE THIRD RACE AT BELMONT.

SPLENDID. NOW CONSULT YOUR CHARTS CAREFULLY, GENTLEMEN.

AS ONE OF THE AGENTS FOR THE TITANIC RECORD COMPANY,

YOU WILL CALL ME UP

AND SAY, "I WOULD LIKE TO PLACE AN ORDER"--

THAT'S BETS--

"FOR 500 ALBUMS"-- THAT'S BUCKS--

"LONG-PLAYING"-- THAT'S ON THE NOSE--

"OF BEETHOVEN"-- THAT'S BELMONT--

"SIXTH SYMPHONY"-- THAT'S HORSE NUMBER SIX--

"OPUS THREE"-- THIRD RACE.

"I WOULD LIKE TO PLACE AN ORDER

"FOR 500 ALBUMS, LONG-PLAYING,

OF BEETHOVEN'S SIXTH SYMPHONY, OPUS THREE."

♪♪ IT'S A SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ ANY CHILD CAN UNDERSTAND ♪♪

♪♪ THE COMPOSER'S NAME, WE LIST THEM ♪♪

♪♪ WITH THE RACETRACKS OF THE LAND ♪♪

♪♪ WITH A SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ WE'LL BE CLOSE BY FORTUNE'S DOOR ♪♪

♪♪ AND TO THINK THAT NO ONE EVER, EVER ♪♪

♪♪ THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE ♪♪

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, LOOK AT YOUR CHARTS.

♪♪ WHAT IS BEETHOVEN? ♪♪

♪♪ BELMONT PARK ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE'S PUCCINI? ♪♪

♪♪ PIMLICO ♪♪

♪♪ WHO IS HUMPERDINCK? ♪♪

♪♪ HOLLYWOOD ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT IS BEETHOVEN? ♪♪

Bookies: ♪♪ BEETHOVEN IS BELMONT PARK ♪♪

Otto: ♪♪ WHERE'S PUCCINI? ♪♪

♪♪ PUCCINI IS PIMLICO ♪♪

♪♪ WHO IS HUMPERDINCK? ♪♪

♪♪ HUMPERDINCK IS HOLLYWOOD ♪♪

♪♪ AH, THAT IS CORRECT ♪♪

♪♪ TURN THE PAGE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S TCHAIKOVSKY? ♪♪

♪♪ CHURCHILL DOWNS ♪♪

♪♪ WHO'S MUSSORGSKY? ♪♪

♪♪ MONMOUTH PARK ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S RACHMANINOFF? ♪♪

♪♪ ROCKINGHAM ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S TCHAIKOVSKY? ♪♪

♪♪ TCHAIKOVSKY IS CHURCHILL DOWNS ♪♪

♪♪ WHO'S MUSSORGSKY? ♪♪

♪♪ MUSSORGSKY IS MONMOUTH PARK ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S RACHMANINOFF? ♪♪

♪♪ RACHMANINOFF IS ROCKINGHAM ♪♪

♪♪ THAT IS CORRECT ♪♪

♪♪ TURN THE PAGE ♪♪

All: ♪♪ IT'S A SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ WE'RE IMPATIENT TO BEGIN ♪♪

♪♪ OH, YES, OH, YES ♪♪

♪♪ A SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THE LAW IS LISTENING IN ♪♪

♪♪ WE WILL TAKE THOSE RECORD ORDERS ♪♪

♪♪ IN A VERY CULTURED TONE ♪♪

♪♪ WHILE WE'RE REALLY BOOKING HORSES ♪♪

♪♪ OVER AT SUSANSWERPHONE ♪♪

♪♪ WE'LL BE RICH, WE'LL BE RICH ♪♪

♪♪ WE'LL BE RICH ♪♪

♪♪ DEBUSSY IS DEL MAR ♪♪

♪♪ HUMPERDINCK IS HOLLYWOOD ♪♪

♪♪ CESAR FRANCK IS FAIRGROUNDS ♪♪

♪♪ SIBELIUS IS SPORTSMAN'S PARK ♪♪

♪♪ BELAIEV IS BAINBRIDGE ♪♪

♪♪ HINDEMITH IS HAWTHORNE ♪♪

♪♪ OFFENBACH IS OMAHA ♪♪

Otto: ♪♪ EVERYBODY, ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪♪

Male bookies: ♪♪ WHO IS BEETHOVEN? ♪♪

♪♪ BELMONT PARK ♪♪

Female bookies: ♪♪ SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ WHO'S PUCCINI? ♪♪

♪♪ PIMLICO ♪♪

♪♪ SIMPLE LITTLE SYSTEM ♪♪

♪♪ WHO'S TCHAIKOVSKY? ♪♪

♪♪ CHURCHILL DOWNS ♪♪

♪♪ WE'RE BOOKIES ♪♪

♪♪ AND SHOSTAKOVICH IS SARATOGA ♪♪

WHAT IS HANDEL?

♪♪ HIALEAH, HIALEAH ♪♪

WHO IS HANDEL?

♪♪ HIALEAH, HIALEAH ♪♪

♪♪ OH, WHAT A SYSTEM ♪♪

[ALARM RINGING]

[TURNS OFF ALARM]

7:00. OK, SLEEPING PRINCE.

[SIGH]

WHY DOESN'T HE ANSWER?

TITANIC RECORDS?

UH, OVER THERE.

HAS THERE BEEN A PHONE THERE BEFORE?

YES. THE BOX IS STILL THERE.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME COFFEE.

THANK YOU.

COME ON. I'LL TAKE OVER.

YOU'VE BEEN ON LONG ENOUGH.

I'M JUST GIVING SOMEONE HIS WAKE-UP.

JEFFREY MOSS-- THAT ONE.

HE TAKES UP MORE TIME

THAN ALL THE OTHER SUBSCRIBERS PUT TOGETHER.

OK, ELLA.

ALL RIGHT, ELLA, GET UP!

OH, NO. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT WAKE-UP, SUE!

[BUZZING]

THERE. YOU SEE? SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GET HIM.

JEFFREY MOSS RESIDENCE.

Man: IS HE IN? THIS IS LARRY HASTINGS.

OH, NO, MR. HASTINGS. WE CANNOT REACH MR. MOSS.

WHAT IS THE MESSAGE, MR. HASTINGS?

QUOTE--SURE YOU WON'T SHOW UP AT 4:00 TODAY

WITH OUTLINE OF THE MIDAS TOUCH.

THE MIDAS TOUCH.

HAVE TAKEN OPTION ON ANOTHER PLAY.

HOPE YOU ENJOY TRIP TO SKID ROW--UNQUOTE.

LISTEN, SUE,

THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

HE'S GOT TO GET THAT MESSAGE.

THIS IS HIS LAST CHANCE.

HIS LAST CHANCE? IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE.

REMEMBER WHAT INSPECTOR BARNES SAID.

NOW, IT'S YOUR DAY OFF. GET OUT OF HERE.

IF JEFF MOSS CAN'T PICK UP HIS PHONE BY HIMSELF,

HE'S BEYOND HELP.

HE PROBABLY UNPLUGGED IT ANYWAY.

UNPLUGGED? UNPLUGGED!

GOOD MORNING, LIEBCHEN.

OTTO!

AH, I HAVE SOME WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU.

OH. HA HA!

SUE, THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS LAST NIGHT

VOTED YOU HONORARY MEMBER BY PROXY

IN ABSENTIA.

OH, OTTO!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MY TELEPHONE.

[RING]

TITANIC RECORDS.

OH, YES. YES. JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.

YES? 1,500 ALBUMS

OF PUCCINI'S EIGHTH PICCOLO CONCERTO, OPUS ONE.

I'LL SHIP THEM RIGHT OUT.

HELLO, SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.

1,500 ALBUMS

OF PUCCINI'S EIGHTH PICCOLO CONCERTO, OPUS ONE.

ALL THREE SPEEDS.

YOU SEE? IT'S SIMPLE.

YOU JUST PICK UP THE PHONE, JOT DOWN THE MESSAGE,

CALL THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT ON THIS PHONE--

IT'S A DIRECT WIRE-- AND YOU GIVE THEM THE MESSAGE

JUST AS YOU GET IT.

[RING]

OH. AHEM.

[RING]

TITANIC RECORDS.

Carl: GOOD MORNING.

YES. 75 ALBUMS... BRANDENBURG CONCERTO...

...FIVE, LP. THANK YOU.

HELLO, SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.

75 ALBUMS OF BACH'S THIRD BRANDENBURG CONCERTO,

OPUS FIVE, LP. RIGHT!

HEY, TITANIC RECORDS--

IS THAT A NEW LABEL?

WE HAVE ONLY THE FINEST EUROPEAN RECORDINGS.

OH, BRANDENBURG NUMBER THREE--

I HAVE THE LEONARD BERNSTEIN RECORDING.

WHO'S ON YOUR LABEL?

THE DUSSELDORF ZUIDER ZEE MOONLIGHT HANSEATIC LEAGUE

SYMPHONY ON THE KARLSRUHE.

NOW, PLEASE. WE ARE VERY BUSY HERE.

SURE, SURE. SORRY.

Gwynne: HI, CARL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

[BUZZING]

MAX'S DOG AND CAT BEAUTY SHOP.

SORRY. WE'RE NOT OPEN TILL 9 A.M. THANK YOU.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

WOMEN'S DETENTION HOME!

SHH! LISTEN, HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHO I AM.

I'LL JUST WAKE HIM AND LEAVE.

BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET IN?

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

[BUZZING]

Sue: ELLA, TAKE THAT, PLEASE!

WOMEN'S DETENTION HOME.

OH! MAX'S CAT AND DOG HOUSE.

I MEAN, MAX'S DOG AND CAT--

[GASP]

[LOUD JAZZ PLAYING]

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

AAH!

HELLO.

HELLO.

GOOD-BYE.

OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, NO. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG APARTMENT.

I HAD A 7:00 APARTMENT IN THE WRONG APPOINTMENT.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T 54 SUTTON PLACE SOUTH.

NO. THIS IS 64.

OH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

I COULD EITHER GO BACK TO SLEEP OR CALL A COP.

OH, NO, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!

NEVER FEAR. I WON'T CALL THE POLICE.

I GIVE YOU YOUR FREEDOM.

NO! I MEAN, DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP.

IT'S AFTER 7:00 ALREADY.

7:00? I TOLD MOM TO CALL ME AT 7:00.

YOUR PHONE'S UNPLUGGED.

OH, YEAH.

I MUST HAVE PULLED IT OUT LAST NIGHT.

I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

TO HANG MYSELF WITH.

[RING]

HELLO. MOM?

Sue: I'VE BEEN RINGING YOU SINCE--

OH, YOU'RE NOT MOM. YOU'RE THE OTHER ONE.

THERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOU FROM MR. HASTINGS.

"SURE YOU WON'T SHOW UP AT 4:00 TODAY

"WITH OUTLINE OF THE MIDAS TOUCH.

HAVE TAKEN OPTION ON ANOTHER PLAY."

OPTION ON ANOTHER PLAY?

"HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR TRIP TO SKID ROW."

DIDN'T HE SAY WHO WROTE IT?

SHAKESPEARE?

TENNESSEE WILLIAMS? TENNESSEE ERNIE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. GOOD-BYE.

GOOD OLD LARRY--

A PHONY LIKE THE REST OF THEM.

WELL, MIGHT AS WELL GO TO SLEEP FOREVER.

GOOD-BYE, LADY.

YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO YOUR WORK.

LOOK, LADY, I HOPE YOU WON'T BE OFFENDED

IF I LET YOU KNOW THAT MY EVIL LITTLE HABITS

ARE NO CONCERN OF YOURS.

NOW, WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?

YOU WON'T DO YOUR WORK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH! MISS! WE--

WHAT WORK?

WELL, IF YOU WANT A DRINK

AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING,

THERE MUST BE SOME WORK

YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID DOING.

I KNOW FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE.

WHEN I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL,

I'D DO ANYTHING TO KEEP FROM DOING MY HOMEWORK.

MOSTLY, I'D SHARPEN PENCILS.

YOU KNOW, THE YELLOW KIND THAT SAYS TICONDEROGA ON THEM?

WELL, I'D SHARPEN IT TO THE TICONDEROG,

AND THEN TO THE TICONDER, AND THEN TO THE TICOND,

AND THEN TO THE TIC, AND THEN TO THE TI,

AND THEN TO THE T.

THEN I'D HAVE TO START ON ANOTHER PENCIL--

ANYTHING BUT FACE THAT AWFUL BLANK PAGE.

OH, YEAH.

OH, SURE, GO AHEAD. DRINK.

RUIN YOUR LAST CHANCE.

LAST CHANCE? LAST CHANCE TO DO WHAT?

WELL, WHATEVER IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DO.

YOU LOOK DESPERATE TO ME.

I'M ABOUT TO BE ILL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE

A CUP OF COFFEE ON YOU?

YES, I WOULD.

AND A CHEESE DANISH?

PRUNE.

OH. OH, LISTEN, MISS, UH...

SCOTT. MELISANDE.

MOSS. JEFFREY.

SIT DOWN, MISS SCOTT.

OH, I CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO.

OH, WELL, UH, NOW THAT MY VISION

HAS CLEARED UP A BIT

AND I'M BEGINNING TO SEE SHAPES AND COLORS

MORE THAN 6 INCHES AWAY,

YOU'RE BEGINNING TO LOOK PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

SINCE I HAVEN'T ANYTHING TO DO

FOR THE NEXT 10,000 YEARS...

[BLOWS IN EAR]

OH! THAT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY

OF AVOIDING YOUR WORK--GIRLS.

AND YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO.

YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO KEEP.

WHO SAID SO?

YOUR 7:00 CALL.

NOW STAY UP AND START WRITING.

YOU CAN WRITE ALONE. YOU DID IT ONCE BEFORE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW I DID IT ONCE BEFORE?

WELL, BECAUSE ANYBODY WHO'S A WRITER

MUST HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING BY HIMSELF ONCE.

DID I SAY I WAS A WRITER?

NO, BUT YOU'RE NOT A PLUMBER, ARE YOU?

NO.

WELL.

BUT I GUESS YOU DON'T THINK SO YOURSELF,

OR ELSE YOU'D BE WRITING

INSTEAD OF RUNNING AROUND ALL NIGHT

AND COMING HOME AT 7:00 IN THE MORNING

AND SLEEPING ALL DAY.

THAT'S UNCANNY.

ARE YOU PLUGGED INTO ME SOMEWHERE?

NO.

YOU KNOW ME FROM SOMEPLACE.

NO.

YOU'RE PSYCHIC.

YES! I'M VERY INTUITIVE.

I GET FEELINGS ABOUT PEOPLE.

I KNOW A LOT ABOUT YOU

JUST FROM LISTENING TO YOU TALK.

AND I SEE VISIONS--OOH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I SEE ONE NOW. IT'S A VISION OF YOU.

WHAT AM I DOING?

NOTHING. YOU'RE LYING FACEDOWN IN THE GUTTER.

OH, STOP IT!

YOU'RE SCARING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I'M SORRY. THAT'S WHAT I SEE.

MY VISIONS ARE NEVER WRONG

UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I TRIED ANALYSIS. I MIGHT AS WELL TRY WITCHCRAFT.

WE'LL GO THE OLD WITCHCRAFT ROUTINE.

WE'LL GET THE DOLL, WE'LL GET THE PINS,

AND WE'LL GET THE BOILING WATER

AND THE DRUMS-- BOM BOM BOM.

ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO, I'LL DO IT.

ALL RIGHT. DO AS I SAY.

YEAH?

GO TO YOUR TYPEWRITER.

YEAH?

SIT DOWN.

YEAH?

AND NOW...

YEAH?

WRITE IT.

OH, I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH TO IT.

OH. OH, THAT'S ENOUGH!

YOU'RE NOT SO BADLY OFF.

I KNOW A GUY WHOSE FATHER IS FORCING HIM TO BE A DENTIST,

AND HE WANTS TO BE A COMPOSER.

THE POOR FELLOW SITS UP IN AN OFFICE ALL DAY LONG

COMPOSING SONGS ON AN AIR HOSE.

NOBODY'S KEEPING YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANT--

NOBODY EXCEPT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE AFRAID EVERYBODY'S GOING TO SAY,

"OH, IT'S THE PARTNER THAT'S THE TALENTED ONE."

WELL, SO WHAT?

YOU CALL OTHER PEOPLE PHONIES BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE AFRAID WHAT YOU WRITE

ISN'T GOING TO BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH,

SO YOU DON'T WRITE ANYTHING AT ALL!

BOY, DO YOU KNOW ME.

MR. MOSS, YOU HAVE TO HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, BUT I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

YOU DO?

YES, I DO.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

YES, I KNOW.

I'LL TRY.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS

UNLESS YOU'RE HERE.

♪♪ SO THAT'S WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ♪♪

♪♪ AT LAST I KNOW ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE BETTER, BETTER THAN A DREAM ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT YOU ARE IS BETTER FAR THAN A DREAM ♪♪

♪♪ I TRIED TO PICTURE YOUR FACE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT NOW I SEE YOU ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THIS WORLD ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THIS SPHERE ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THAT OUTER SPACE ♪♪

♪♪ BETTER, BETTER THAN A DREAM ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT IS REAL IS MORE IDEAL THAN A DREAM ♪♪

♪♪ TO SEE AND HEAR YOU, TO BE SO NEAR YOU ♪♪

♪♪ IS BETTER, BETTER THAN A DREAM ♪♪

♪♪ CAN THIS BE A DREAM? ♪♪

♪♪ CAN I STILL BE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH THERE? ♪♪

♪♪ CAN THIS GIRL BE REALLY HERE? ♪♪

♪♪ SHE SEEMS TO KNOW BY SHEER INTUITION ♪♪

♪♪ HOW I LANDED IN THIS CONDITION ♪♪

♪♪ BOY, DOES SHE KNOW ME ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE WAY THAT I THINK ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE WAY THAT I DRINK ♪♪

♪♪ THAT FACT THAT I SLEPT ALL YEAR ♪♪

♪♪ BUT IT'S NOT A DREAM, 'CAUSE LOOK ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE GOT SOME WORDS ON THE PAPER ♪♪

♪♪ STEADY, BOY ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T FAINT OR SCREAM ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T ASK WHO SENT YOU ♪♪

♪♪ THIS ANGEL ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S BETTER, BETTER THAN A DREAM ♪♪

- ♪♪ IT'S BETTER, BETTER ♪♪ - ♪♪ CAN THIS BE A DREAM? ♪♪

- ♪♪ THAN A DREAM ♪♪ - ♪♪ CAN I STILL BE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH THERE? ♪♪

- ♪♪ WHAT YOU ARE ♪♪ - ♪♪ CAN THIS GIRL BE ♪♪

- ♪♪ IS BETTER FAR THAN A DREAM ♪♪ - ♪♪ REALLY HERE? ♪♪

- ♪♪ I TRIED TO PICTURE ♪♪ - ♪♪ SHE SEEMS TO KNOW BY SHEER INTUITION ♪♪

- ♪♪ YOUR FACE ♪♪ - ♪♪ HOW I LANDED IN THIS CONDITION ♪♪

- ♪♪ BUT NOW I SEE YOU ♪♪ - ♪♪ BOY, DOES SHE KNOW ME ♪♪

- ♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THIS WORLD, ♪♪ - ♪♪ AND THE WAY THAT I THINK ♪♪

- ♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THIS SPHERE ♪♪ - ♪♪ AND THE WAY THAT I DRINK ♪♪

- ♪♪ YOU'RE OUT OF THAT OUTER SPACE ♪♪ - ♪♪ THAT FACT THAT I SLEPT ALL YEAR ♪♪

- ♪♪ BUT IT'S NOT A DREAM, ♪♪ - ♪♪ IT'S BETTER, BETTER ♪♪

- ♪♪ 'CAUSE LOOK I'VE GOT SOME WORDS ON THE PAPER ♪♪ - ♪♪ THAN A DREAM ♪♪

- ♪♪ STEADY, BOY, DON'T FAINT ♪♪ - ♪♪ WHAT IS REAL IS ♪♪

- ♪♪ OR SCREAM ♪♪ - ♪♪ MORE IDEAL THAN A DREAM ♪♪

- ♪♪ DON'T ASK WHO SENT YOU ♪♪ - ♪♪ TO SEE AND HEAR YOU, ♪♪

- ♪♪ THIS ANGEL ♪♪ - ♪♪ TO BE SO NEAR YOU ♪♪

[TOGETHER] ♪♪ IT'S BETTER, BETTER THAN A DREAM ♪♪

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU'RE SHAKING.

HE LIKED IT. LARRY LIKED IT.

WELL, OF COURSE HE LIKED IT.

HE SAID IT'S NOT QUITE WRITTEN YET,

AND HE MADE ME PROMISE

TO GO TO THE COUNTRY AND WHIP IT,

BUT BY AND LARGE,

IT'S SOMETHING OF A MIRACLE.

IT'S NOT A MIRACLE. YOU DID IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU'RE THE MIRACLE.

[HORN HONKS]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU BLIND OR SOMETHING?

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

AH, DON'T GIVE ME NONE OF THAT.

DRIVING AROUND HERE, NOBODY TAKES ANY CARE.

THE LIGHT WAS STILL GREEN, HE SAYS.

IT WAS RED.

OOH, PEOPLE. WOW.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? HERRINGS?

LOOK AT THEM--

A BAND OF CUTTHROATS.

YOU EVER SEE SUCH HATRED? HUH?

YOU KNOW, IF I SO MUCH AS ASKED

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE FOR THE TIME OF DAY,

THEY'D TURN INTO A LYNCH MOB.

OH, EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE FRIENDLY,

ONLY NOBODY'S WILLING TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

WHY DON'T YOU SAY HELLO

TO THIS NICE MAN OVER HERE?

HE'D APPRECIATE IT.

HIM?

THAT'S DRACULA'S UNCLE, THE WOLF MAN.

THE ONLY THING HE'D APPRECIATE

WOULD BE A NICE, FRESH CUP OF BLOOD.

OH, IT'S SO EASY.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY HELLO.

WATCH.

AHEM.

HELLO.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

ALL RIGHT. EASY.

I JUST SAID HELLO.

HELLO? HELLO?

DID YOU JUST SAY HELLO?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN 30 YEARS

THAT A STRANGER'S EVER SAID HELLO

TO ME ON THE STREET.

HELLO! MY NAME'S LUDWIG SMILEY.

HOW DO YOU DO? MEET MR. MOSS.

HELLO!

HELLO, LUDWIG.

MY NAME'S SMILEY.

HELLO.

OH, HELLO. MY NAME IS CHARLIE BESSEMER.

MEET MY FRIEND MR. ROSS.

MOSS.

HELLO, MR. ROSS.

HELLO, MR. BESSEMER. THIS IS MISS SCOTT.

MISS SCOTT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO! MY NAME IS CHARLIE BESSEMER.

I'M MISS KUZNESNIV.

THIS IS MISS SCOTT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO, MISS SCOTT.

MEET MR. MOSS. MISS KUZNESNIV.

MR. ROSS.

KUZNESNIV? HELLO.

HELLO. MY NAME'S LATTERA.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

HUH. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT THIS TIME?

OH, NO.

OH, COME ON. GO ON.

HELLO.

NO HANDOUTS.

OH, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

I JUST WANT TO SAY HELLO.

THE NAME'S JEFFREY MOSS.

OH, HELLO THERE.

I'M BARNEY LAMPWICK.

SAY, HELLO!

I'M BARNEY LAMPWICK.

HELLO!

OH, HELLO!

MOSS IS THE NAME.

I'M BERNIE DENSTER.

HERE. HAVE SOME PEANUTS.

THIS IS MISS SCOTT.

HOW ARE YOU, MISS SCOTT?

HERE. HAVE SOME PEANUTS.

THANK YOU.

YOU CALL THESE PEANUTS?

YEAH. YEAH. PEANUTS.

HELLO!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

LOOK AT ME. I'M WALKING.

I HAVEN'T WALKED AROUND THIS CITY IN YEARS.

YOU KNOW, MOM WOULD NEVER BELIEVE THIS.

LET'S CALL HER.

WHO?

MOM. THE LITTLE OLD LADY THAT WORKS AT MY ANSWERING SERVICE.

COME ON.

WHERE ARE WE? OH, 45th STREET.

UH, I HAVE TO GO TO BROOKLYN HEIGHTS.

BROOKLYN HEIGHTS?

YEAH. GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE? MEL!

MEL!

MEL!

I HAVE TO GO!

PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS.

JUST...BELIEVE ME.

OF COURSE I BELIEVE YOU.

I GOT A BUILT-IN GEIGER COUNTER.

I CAN SPOT A PHONY A MILE OFF.

YOU'RE THE ONLY HONEST PERSON

I EVER MET IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

HONEST PERSON?

LOOK. IF I COULDN'T BELIEVE IN YOU

AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME TODAY,

I'D JUST CRUMBLE AWAY

LIKE AN OLD, STALE PIECE OF SPONGE CAKE.

WELL, THEN BELIEVE ME. I HAVE TO GO.

BUT WAIT A SECOND.

I'LL BE GONE FOR TWO WEEKS.

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE COUNTRY.

NO PHONE. NO PHONE?

WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.

YOU PROMISE THAT YOU'LL SEE ME

TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY, OR I DON'T GO AT ALL.

IN FACT, I'LL TAIL YOU TO BROOKLYN HEIGHTS RIGHT NOW.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

A WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY, YOUR PLACE, 8:00.

PROMISE? PROMISE.

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

WEDNESDAY. 8:00.

AND DON'T FORGET THE CHEESE DANISH.

YAHOO!

♪♪ I MET A GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ A WONDERFUL GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ SHE'S REALLY GOT A LOT TO RECOMMEND HER ♪♪

♪♪ FOR A GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ FABULOUS CREATURE, WITHOUT ANY DOUBT ♪♪

♪♪ HEY, WHAT AM I GETTING SO EXCITED ABOUT? ♪♪

♪♪ SHE'S JUST A GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ AN EVERYDAY GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ AND YET I GUESS SHE'S REALLY RATHER SPECIAL FOR A GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ FOR ONCE YOU'VE SEEN HER, THE OTHERS ARE OUT ♪♪

♪♪ HEY, WHAT AM I GETTING SO EXCITED ABOUT? ♪♪

♪♪ BUT SO WHAT? ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT HAS SHE GOT OTHERS HAVE NOT? ♪♪

♪♪ TWO EYES, TWO LIPS, A NOSE ♪♪

♪♪ ALL GIRLS HAVE SOME OF THOSE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT WHEN SHE LOOKS UP AT ME ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT DO I SEE? ♪♪

♪♪ THE MOST ENCHANTING FACE ♪♪

♪♪ MY PULSE BEGINS TO RACE ♪♪

♪♪ HEY, I MET A GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ A MARVELOUS GIRL ♪♪

♪♪ SHE'S RARER THAN URANIUM AND FAIRER THAN A PEARL ♪♪

♪♪ FOUND ME A TREASURE, AND I WANT TO SHOUT ♪♪

♪♪ THIS IS WHAT I'M GETTING SO EXCITED ABOUT ♪♪

♪♪ I MET A GIRL, AND I FELL IN LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ TODAY ♪♪

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZING]

KRAMER MUSIC.

Man: MESSAGE FOR KRAMER.

THIS IS MORTY HOPPER AT THE PYRAMID CLUB.

WE NEED SOME SONGS FAST,

SO TUESDAY, 10 A.M.,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF SONGWRITERS IN

TO PEDDLE THEIR FISH. GOT THAT?

RIGHT. THANK YOU.

HEY! WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR DR. KITCHELL.

I COULD CALL HIM UP AND TELL HIM.

ELLA!

BUT IF HE COULD ONLY SELL ONE SONG,

IT MIGHT CHANGE HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

REMEMBER INSPECTOR BARNES.

[HONKING]

♪♪ I LOVE YOUR SUNNY TEETH ♪♪

♪♪ YOUR FUNNY, SUNNY TEETH ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'RE LIKE A PEARLY WREATH ♪♪

♪♪ THAT HANGS-- ♪♪ HELLO.

HELLO?

SO YOU'RE DR. KITCHELL THE DENTIST.

YEAH. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

I'M SORRY. I FORGOT WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

EXCUSE ME.

AHEM. NOW, WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU NAME IS?

WELL, IT STARTED HURTING

AS I CAME DOWN THE HALL.

OH.

[HUMMING]

ALL...RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME.

TEETH.

[DING]

[HUMMING]

NOT BAD.

♪♪ LEAN BACK, PLEASE, OPEN WIDE ♪♪

UH-HUH.

UH--

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

BUT IT HURTS.

♪♪ YOU DON'T SEE ANYTHING, BUT IT HURTS ♪♪

♪♪ THOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE THE PAIN IN MY HEART ♪♪

♪♪ OH, OH, HOW IT HURTS ♪♪

NOT BAD.

TELL ME, IS IT SENSITIVE TO HOT AND COLD?

UH-HUH.

♪♪ FIRST YOU'RE HOT, AND THEN YOU'RE COLD ♪♪

♪♪ THEN YOU'RE SHY, AND THEN YOU'RE BOLD ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I'M ALWAYS SENSITIVE TO YOU ♪♪

GEE. THOSE SONGS ARE PRETTY.

DID YOU LIKE THEM?

OH, YES.

YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE.

I LOSE MORE PATIENTS THIS WAY.

I'M A TERRIBLE DENTIST.

I MAKE UP SONGS ALL THE TIME,

AND I CAN MAKE UP SONGS ABOUT ANYTHING--

ANYTHING AT ALL.

JUST GIVE ME A SUBJECT, A TITLE, ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF RIGHT NOW?

RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD?

THE MIDAS TOUCH.

THE MIDAS TOUCH.

IT'S ABOUT A KING AND GOLD AND...

THAT'S SIMPLE.

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THAT MIGHTY, MIGHTY, MIGHTY MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ MIDAS WANTED GOLD SO MUCH-- ♪♪

OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT.

IT'S NOTHING.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'LL BE THERE.

WHERE?

THE PYRAMID CLUB, TUESDAY AT 10 A.M.

THEY'RE AUDITIONING SONGS.

I'LL BE THERE AT 9:30.

YOU WRITE THAT DOWN NOW.

YES. YES, I WILL.

"PYRAMID CLUB.

"MADISON AVENUE.

MORT HOPPER."

OH, GOLLY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO...

I, UH...

OH, MISS?

OH, MISS?

♪♪ OH, MISSISSIPPI STEAMBOAT ROUNDING THE BEND ♪♪

♪♪ WHOO-WHOO ♪♪

♪♪ I'M COMING HOME TO YOU ♪♪

♪♪ MEAN AND FAIR, UP YOUR RIVER, YOU LAZY BOAT, YOU ♪♪

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZES]

SUSANSWERPHONE.

THIS IS LARRY HASTINGS CALLING. ANY MESSAGES?

JUST A MOMENT.

BLAKE BARTON, THE ACTOR, CALLED.

HE WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE'S A PART FOR HIM

IN YOUR NEW PRODUCTION, THE MIDAS TOUCH.

BLAKE BARTON? NEVER!

I'M SICK OF ACTORS WHO WON'T WEAR SUITS

AND WHO SOUND AS IF THEY'VE GOT A MOUTHFUL OF MARBLES.

WELL, THANKS. I MEAN, GOOD-BYE.

HA HA HA!

[DIALING TELEPHONE]

ELLA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST CALLING BLAKE BARTON.

ELLA...

HELLO. BLAKE BARTON HERE.

SUSANSWERPHONE.

OH, HIYA, DOLL.

HEY, THANKS A LOT

FOR THAT TIP YOU GAVE ME THE OTHER DAY,

BUT, WELL, THEY DIDN'T DIG MY ACTION.

THEY SAID THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A REX HARRISON TYPE--

ENGLISH.

SO I SAID, "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?

I SPEAK ENGLISH."

NO MESSAGES.

YEAH. WELL, THAT'S CRAZY, GIRL.

LOOK, I'LL BE AT MIKE'S, HUH?

CRAZY.

GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. SWENSON.

OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, MISS ELLA.

WHAT AN INTERESTING HAT.

MIKE, LET ME HAVE ANOTHER CUP, UH...

UH...

Barton: THEY WANTED THINGS

LIKE LOVE, HATE, AND ANGER,

SO FOR MY ACTING EXERCISE,

I PICKED THIS PART, SEE,

AND IN IT, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE

THIS, UH, YOU KNOW, UH, FRUSTRATED GUY.

NOW, I GOT TO FIND THE RIGHT IMAGE

TO SHOW FRUS...UH, TATION,

SO I GET THIS IMAGE, SEE,

OF A OSTRICH--

A OSTRICH TRYING TO BURY HIS HEAD

IN A CEMENT PAVEMENT.

DIG IT.

UH, YOU SEE THAT?

GET THE IMAGE? GET THE IMAGE?

CUCKOO.

CUCKOO.

UH...

AHEM.

UH...

I SAID "UH."

IS THAT YOUR MOTORCYCLE OUTSIDE?

YEAH.

IT'S CRAZY, HUH?

CUCKOO.

CUCKOO.

HEY, GET THE PART IN THE MIDAS TOUCH?

AH.

HUH?

AH!

AH.

HEY, MAN, YOU DIDN'T GO IN THERE

WITH THAT ON, DID YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

GO IN WITHOUT IT ON,

IN THE EVER-LOVING NUDE?

DID YOU EVER TRY WEARING A SUIT?

SUIT?

A SUIT. S-U-T.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

A FAKE? A SUIT.

WE GOT A NAME FOR ACTORS

WHO WEAR SUITS.

BE A PUNK IMITATION

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU WANT THE JOB,

YOU GOT TO CUT THE BLUE-JEANS ACTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HA HA HA.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

YOU'RE A GLUT ON THE MARKET.

LIKE, MAN, LIKE, DIG, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE,

LIKE, YOU'RE NOTHING.

YEAH, BUT A SUIT?

[JAZZ MUSIC ON JUKEBOX DROWNS OUT CONVERSATION]

Otto: YES. 1,500 COPIES

OF BEETHOVEN'S 10th SYMPHONY, OPUS 6.

OPUS 6. YES. IT'S A BIG SELLER TODAY.

[HUMMING]

HELLO. SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.

1,500 COPIES OF BEETHOVEN'S 10th SYMPHONY, OPUS 6.

ELLA, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL SUE I WILL MEET HER AT 8:00

AT THE CRYING GYPSY CAFE?

JUST HAVE TO WATCH 'EM RUN OFF

THE BEETHOVEN PRESSING

AT THE LONG ISLAND PLANT.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.

♪♪ LA DA DEE LA DA DA ♪♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

♪♪ LA DA DEE ♪♪

TITANIC RECORDS.

Carl: HI, ELLA.

Ella: HI.

AN ORDER OF 300 ALBUMS

OF BEETHOVEN'S 10th SYMPHONY, OPUS 6, LP.

THANK YOU.

GEE, THAT'S A POPULAR PIECE.

HEY, THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE

IN THAT ORDER.

BEETHOVEN ONLY WROTE NINE SYMPHONIES.

REALLY?

BUT WE'VE HAD OVER 5,000 ORDERS

FOR BEETHOVEN'S 10th.

WELL, THEY GOT TO MEAN THE NINTH.

TCHAIKOVSKY SIX, BRAHMS FOUR,

BEETHOVEN NINE.

WELL, YOU SURE KNOW YOUR MUSIC.

I BETTER TELL THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT, HUH?

YEAH.

HELLO, SHIPPING.

I HAVE AN ORDER HERE FOR 300 ALBUMS

OF BEETHOVEN'S NINTH SYMPHONY, OPUS SIX, LP.

YEAH. AND LISTEN,

CHANGE ALL THOSE OTHER ORDERS

FROM BEETHOVEN'S 10th TO BEETHOVEN'S 9th.

WELL, SURE, I'M SURE.

ABSOLUTELY SURE.

THANKS, CARL.

ANYTIME.

HI.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU SO DRESSED UP FOR?

OH, JUST TRIED IT ON TO SEE IF IT FITS.

OH, I GET IT. IT'S WEDNESDAY.

ELLA, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MEET

THE SLEEPING PRINCE?

NO.

THAT'S GOOD,

BECAUSE IF THAT INSPECTOR CATCHES YOU...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?

I MEAN I'M NOT GOING.

I'M REALLY NOT.

GOOD.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT GOING?

I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

I CAN'T SEE HIM AGAIN.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'D HAVE TO TELL HIM WHO I REALLY AM.

SO TELL HIM.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE?

YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF MISERABLE OVER NOTHING.

NOTHING.

SURE. NOTHING.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT WAS SO IMPOSSIBLE?

YOU LIED A LITTLE.

LIED A LITTLE?

ALL RIGHT. SO YOU LIED A LOT.

HE FORCED YOU INTO IT.

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZES]

SUSANSWERPHONE.

Moss: MOM?

YES, MR. MOSS?

LISTEN, MOM, I JUST GOT BACK,

BUT I WANTED TO CALL YOU AND THANK YOU

FOR THE INSANE FAITH YOU HAD IN ME.

GOT A LOT OF WORK DONE.

DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ANY GOOD, BUT IT'S THERE.

OH, THAT'S GOOD, MR. MOSS.

SAY, MOM,

HAVE THERE BEEN ANY MESSAGES FROM A MELISANDE SCOTT?

NO. ABSOLUTELY NONE.

WELL, I HAVE A DATE WITH HER FOR THIS EVENING.

Olga: HELLO, JEFFREY.

OLGA, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

OH, DARLING, I'VE BEEN LONESOME FOR YOU.

OH, SWEETHEART. OH, JEFFREY.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK, MOM.

AAH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING.

AAH!

I TELL YOU,

IT'S ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION.

I CAN'T TAKE YOU TO THE RACES TODAY.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

OH, JEFFREY, DON'T BE SUCH A PILL.

I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

YOU CAN WORK SOME OTHER TIME.

BESIDES, THEY'RE WAITING FOR US DOWNSTAIRS.

YEAH, BUT I HAVE A BUSINESS APPOINTMENT.

LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY.

[CLINK]

MEL!

GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. MOSS.

BUSINESS APPOINTMENT? HUH!

I'M MR. MOSS' SECRETARY.

MR. MOSS HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WASTE HIS TIME

DRAGGING HIM TO THE RACES!

GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO TAKE YOU TO THE RACES!

WELL, NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

ACT 12, SCENE 9, WASN'T IT?

OH, OF COURSE!

ACT 12, SCENE 9,

AND MAKE THAT FOUR CARBONS

IN TRIPLICATE IN BLUE COVERS.

YES. RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

I TOLD YOU I HAD WORK TO DO.

YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

I DO HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO,

AND I'LL CALL YOU SOMETIME.

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

HERE YOU ARE. GOOD-BYE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT HER AND THE RACES?

IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER HER FACE.

SHE EVEN LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE A HORSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE REALLY HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

HOW ARE YOU, MEL?

I'M FINE, THANKS.

HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

HOW'S YOUR WORK?

OH, WONDERFUL.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS.

I REWROTE THE WHOLE FIRST ACT,

AND I MORE OR LESS HAVE A ROUGH DRAFT

FOR THE REST OF IT.

AND I HOPE YOU DON'T SUE ME,

BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOUNG DENTIST

YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT?

WELL, I WROTE HIM INTO THE PLAY.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING.

OH, MEL.

OH, DON'T.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR?

I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED A SECRETARY.

SECRETARY!

WELL, I MEAN, YOU'RE PRETTY WELL FIXED FOR GIRLS.

WELL, IF YOU'RE HERE AS A SECRETARY,

THEN GET TO THE TYPEWRITER.

WHAT DO YOU CHARGE?

OH, NOTHING!

OH, COME ON!

$1,000 AN HOUR.

THAT'S REASONABLE ENOUGH.

NOW SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN!

I PROMISE I'LL KEEP MY GRIMY PAWS OFF OF YOU.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE? ACT 12, SCENE 9?

SEÑOR MENDOZA'S HACIENDA IN ICELAND?

RODRIGUEZ IS KNEELING BY THE BEDSIDE?

MEL...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU WALKED IN ON.

IT WASN'T ANYTHING AT ALL,

AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE

WHETHER IT WAS OR NOT,

AND YOU OBVIOUSLY THINK I'M STILL WITH GIRLS, GIRLS,

BUT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU

THAT I'VE CHANGED.

I THINK I'VE FINALLY FOUND THE ONE,

THE FIRST ONE WHO'S-- MEL--

I HAVE TO GO.

MEL, YOU CAN'T.

YOU DROP INTO MY LIFE LIKE A MIRACLE.

YOU SAVE ME FROM DROWNING.

YOU JUST CAN'T TOSS ME BACK TO THE SHARKS.

MEL, I LOVE YOU.

OH...

[ELLA'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU THINK

WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIS ON?

TOO MUCH?

YEAH.

WHERE IS HE?

WHERE IS WHO?

J. OTTO PRANTZ.

HE'S AT THE CRYING GYPSY CAFE.

NICK, LET'S GO.

HEY, DID YOU SEE THOSE T--

[WOLF WHISTLE]

THANK YOU.

YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING

OUT OF TRAVIATA.

Gwynne: ELLA.

LOOK.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HERE. DON'T LOSE IT.

IT'S A COPY OF A VERY GOOD COPY.

WHERE'S HE TAKING YOU?

TO A FANCY SOCIETY PARTY?

NO. WE'RE JUST GOING DANCING--

JUST THE TWO OF US.

OH, THAT DRESS WILL BE SO BEAUTIFUL

ON THE FLOOR, WON'T IT, CARL?

YEAH.

LET'S TRY WITH SOME MUSIC.

[HUMMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HEY, COULDN'T I HAVE A LITTLE MORE

SLOW, FOX-TROT TYPE?

OH, IT'S A CHA-CHA-CHA.

I KNOW. I CAN'T DO IT.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

WE'LL TEACH YOU IN TWO MINUTES.

COME IN THE MIDDLE.

WATCH MY HANDS.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

WHAT ABOUT MY FEET?

LIKE THIS.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

Together: 1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.

A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE--

SNEAKS.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA.

I GOT IT!

WHOA. LET'S GO.

A-ONE, TWO.

CHA-CHA-CHA!

A-ONE, TWO.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

ACROSS.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

ACROSS.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

SKIP AND A-SKIP TO THE BARBERSHOP.

YES-HOT-CHA, HOT-CHA-CHA, CHA-CHA.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

CHA-CHA-CHA?

CHA-CHA-CHA.

FOLLOW ME.

HERE I COME.

COME A LITTLE CLOSER,

THEN A LITTLE CLOSER.

[SMACK]

A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA,

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-CHA-CHA-CHA,

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND CHA-CHA-CHA,

AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND A-MMM-MMM-MMM.

I JUST LEARNED THIS. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT.

HELLO.

HELLO.

DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?

YEAH.

LARRY LOVED ALL THE STUFF I THREW AT HIM.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!

YEAH, YEAH, DUM, DUM, DUM!

COME HERE. I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S A LITTLE OLD BRIDGE

THAT I WHIPPED UP FOR YOU ON MY ERECTOR SET.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

OH, IT WAS NOTHING.

YOU KNOW, LARRY THINKS

THAT WE CAN SET UP A REHEARSAL DATE,

AND YOU KNOW OUR HOLLYWOOD STAR

KATHERINE ARNOLD?

SHE'S REALLY DIGGING IN TO STAY.

OH, WONDERFUL.

AND LARRY'S HAVING A FEW PEOPLE OVER

FOR A PARTY, AND I SAID WE'D DROP IN.

OH, NO!

WELL, IT'S FOR LARRY. I HAVE TO.

HE LIVES RIGHT OVER HERE.

WE'LL JUST DROP IN, AND WE'LL LEAVE.

OVER WHERE?

OVER HERE. COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU.

COME ON. ATTA GIRL.

HERE YOU ARE. COME ON,

UP, RIGHT UP HERE.

YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH HERE.

THIS IS A PRIVATE PARK.

ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE HERE HAVE KEYS.

WE'VE GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY AROUND TO THE FRONT ENTRANCE.

OH, NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THOSE FAMOUS PEOPLE.

SO YOU'LL MEET THEM.

I DON'T WANT TO.

WELL, I MET ALL YOUR FRIENDS OUT IN THE STREET.

DON'T BE SUCH A SNOB.

UH, IS THIS ALL RIGHT? HA HA!

IT'S MAGNIFICENT...

NO, IT'S NOT.

LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF LA TRAVIATA.

OH, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

ANYWAY, IT'S YOUR FAULT

WE HAVE TO GO TO A PARTY.

YOU KNOW, IF I HADN'T FOUND YOU

CRAWLING AROUND ON MY FLOOR,

I WOULDN'T BE INVITED ANYPLACE.

I'D JUST BE RESTING COMFORTABLY

FACEDOWN IN THE GUTTER.

REMEMBER?

BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GO DANCING,

JUST THE TWO OF US.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DANCE.

WHERE?

RIGHT HERE.

IN THE PARK?

NO GUTS? OH, COME ON.

AAH! STOP IT.

AHH...

DON'T YOU LIKE DANCING?

I LOVE IT.

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ I FOUND YOU JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE YOU CAME, MY TIME ♪♪

♪♪ WAS RUNNIN' LOW ♪♪

♪♪ I WAS LOST ♪♪

♪♪ THE LOSIN' DICE WERE TOSSED ♪♪

♪♪ MY BRIDGES ALL WERE CROSSED ♪♪

♪♪ NOWHERE TO GO ♪♪

♪♪ NOW YOU'RE HERE ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW I KNOW JUST WHERE I'M GOIN' ♪♪

♪♪ NO MORE DOUBT OR FEAR ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE FOUND MY WAY ♪♪

♪♪ FOR LOVE CAME JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ YOU FOUND ME JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ AND CHANGED MY LONELY LIFE ♪♪

♪♪ THAT LOVELY DAY ♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

HEY, YOU KIDS

MUST BE PROFESSIONALS!

AH, YOU BEEN PEEKING, YOU LITTLE RASCAL.

OH, SHALL WE SHOW THEM

THAT LITTLE ACT WE USED TO DO IN CHICAGO?

WHERE?

AT THE STOCKYARDS. ARE YOU READY?

LET'S SLAUGHTER THEM.

MY PARTNER, MELISANDE SCOTT.

NOTHING AT ALL.

WATCH THE ARM. IT ONLY BENDS ONE WAY.

TEA FOR TWO AND TWO FOR TEA.

2, 4--

WHERE YOU GOING?

OVER HERE ON THE OTHER FOOT.

WAIT FOR ME.

OOH, LET'S NOT GIVE THEM EVERYTHING, OK?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OK. OK.

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ A DOO, DEE DOO, DEE DOO, DEE DOO DOO ♪♪

♪♪ YOU FOUND ME JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ A DOO, DEE DOO, DEE DOO, DEE DOO DOO ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE YOU CAME, MY TIME ♪♪

♪♪ A DOO DOO ♪♪

♪♪ WAS RUNNIN'-- ♪♪

♪♪ THIS ACT COULD PLAY THE PALLADIUM ♪♪

♪♪ OR EVEN THE YANKEE STADIUM ♪♪

♪♪ I WAS LOST ♪♪

♪♪ HE WAS LOST ♪♪

♪♪ THE LOSIN' DICE WERE TOSSED ♪♪

♪♪ THEY WERE TOSSED ♪♪

♪♪ MY BRIDGES ALL WERE CROSSED ♪♪

♪♪ THEY WERE CROSSED ♪♪

♪♪ NOWHERE TO GO ♪♪

Audience: ♪♪ OH, MY DARLING ♪♪

♪♪ NOW YOU'RE HERE ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW I KNOW JUST WHERE I'M GOING ♪♪

♪♪ NEVER A DOUBT OR FEAR ♪♪

♪♪ NOW I'M ON MY WAY ♪♪

♪♪ FOR LOVE CAME JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ YOU FOUND ME ♪♪

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ AND CHANGED MY LONELY LIFE THAT LOVELY DAY ♪♪

Audience: ♪♪ DOO DOO, DOO DOO, DOO DOO, DOO DOO ♪♪

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ DOO DOO, DOO DOO, DOO DOO, DOO DOO ♪♪

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

♪♪ JUST IN TIME ♪♪

[RINGS DOORBELL]

OH, NO. PLEASE, I CAN'T. CAN'T WE WAIT AWHILE?

NO. WE'LL JUST GO IN FOR FIVE MINUTES--

JUST SO I SHOW MY FACE.

BUT I FEEL SICK.

LOOK, WE'LL HAVE A NICE FRIED GLASS

OF MUSKRAT JUICE.

WE'LL DASH OUR GLASSES INTO THE FIREPLACE.

NO ONE WILL EVEN KNOW WE'VE BEEN THERE.

I DON'T BELONG IN THERE.

HONEY, YOU'RE WORTH MORE TO ME

THAN ALL THESE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE CITY

PUT TOGETHER, ALL RIGHT?

[RING]

[GROAN]

IT'S JUST A LITTLE PARTY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET A FEW PEOPLE, THAT'S ALL.

GOOD EVENING, MR. MOSS.

GOOD EVENING, DENNIS.

IT'S QUIET IN HERE.

I THINK THAT-- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

THIS PLACE WAS JUMPING A FEW MINUTES AGO.

I'LL TELL MR. HASTINGS YOU'RE HERE.

THANK YOU. JEFF--

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

OH, IT'S SO HARD.

I'M--I'M NOT AN OLD LADY.

THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE

WHISTLER'S MOTHER.

NO. YOU DON'T--

HI, JEFF.

OH, HI, LARR! COME HERE.

MEET THE MELISANDE SCOTT.

LARRY HASTINGS.

OH, SO YOU'RE HIS LITTLE MIRACLE WORKER, EH?

HOW DO YOU DO?

AFTER THE CHANGE IN HIM,

I FIGURED YOU MUST BE SOME SORT OF A MAGICIAN.

OH. HA HA! THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE MET,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING VERY FAMILIAR ABOUT YOU--

SOMETHING FAMILIAR IN THE TONE

OF YOUR VOICE, MAYBE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I GUESS IT'S JUST THAT JEFF'S TALKED ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.

[THINKING] YOU'VE GOT TO TELL HIM.

YOU'VE GOT TO TELL HIM!

WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE, LARRY?

WHAT PEOPLE?

YEAH, PEOPLE.

AH...PEOPLE!

SURPRISE!

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

SURPRISE!

QUIET, QUIET, QUIET, EVERYBODY!

JEFF, THIS PARTY'S FOR YOU!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU SIR JEFFREY MOSS--

SOLDIER, STATESMAN,

AND THE AUTHOR OF THE MIDAS TOUCH!

THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE, BUT HE DID IT!

HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

MEL, I'M SORRY.

WE HAVE TO STAY HERE A LITTLE WHILE.

WE'RE STUCK.

I KNOW. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LARRY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I'M JUST--

JEFFREY, DARLING!

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

OH, I WISH YOU ALL--

MEL, MRS. BRUBACHER. MELISANDE SCOTT.

JEFF, DARLING, I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!

UH, MELISANDE SCOTT, MRS. HOFFENSTEIN.

JEFF, DARLING, DARLING, DARLING!

IT JUST COULDN'T BE MORE WONDERFUL.

MAY I PRESENT

MRS. FORTESCU. MELISANDE SCOTT.

HE'S SUCH A PRECIOUS LAMB.

HE FINISHED THE PLAY LIKE A BIG BOY,

AND HE DID IT ALL BY HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MRS. HAMHOCKER, MELISANDE SCOTT.

Woman: AH, CONGRATULATIONS.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

GUESS WHO.

HOW COULD I EVER FORGET THAT PERFUME?

UH, PRESIDENT...

UM, MILLARD FILLMORE!

DARLING!

KATIE!

DARLING, DARLING.

OH, MELISANDE SCOTT,

MEET OUR STAR KATHERINE ARNOLD.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO? JEFF, I CAME IN

ON THE PLANE WITH CARY,

AND EVERYONE SENDS LOVE.

CARY GRANT.

TONY AND JANET AND FRANKIE--

TONY CURTIS, JANET LEIGH...

AND DAVID AND JENNIFER--

DAVID SELZNICK AND JENNIFER JONES.

LARRY, DARLING, WHAT A TURNOUT.

IT'S AMAZING.

WHY, EVERYBODY IN TOWN'S HERE TONIGHT!

I SUPPOSE MARY AND ETHEL

WILL BE STOPPING BY AFTER THE SHOW.

MARY AND ETHEL WHO?

WHY, MARY MARTIN AND ETHEL MERMAN.

I JUST LEFT HEDY AND CHARLIE AND DOTTY.

THEY'LL BE HERE LATER.

YEAH, YEAH.

OH, OH, THAT'S HEDY LAMARR,

CHARLIE LeMAIRE, DOTTY LAMOUR.

THANK YOU.

LARRY, MOSS HAS A BEAUTIFUL IDEA FOR DIRECTOR.

EXCUSE US, DARLING. COME AND TALK TO HIM.

I'M SORRY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[GLASSES SHATTER]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Woman: I HAVEN'T SEEN

ANYTHING SO SHATTERING

SINCE THE ARMORY SHOW OF 1913.

HIS NAME IS KAYOPA DOCHANEY,

AND EVERY CANVAS IS AT LEAST 20 x 20,

AND I SAY IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE WALL SPACE FOR IT,

THEN JUST MOVE AND GET YOURSELF A PLACE

WITH THE WALL SPACE.

YOU'LL NEVER REGRET IT, MY DEAR.

THEY'RE THE MOST ABSOLUTE RIOT OF COLOR, MY DEAR,

AND THEY'RE ALL TANS AND PLUMS AND OLIVES,

AND THEY'RE ALL PICTURES OF EYES--

OPEN EYES, CLOSED EYES, BLINKING EYES,

CROSSED EYES, EYES CRYING--

JUST EYES, EYES, EYES!

MARVELOUS!

HE'S THE FIRST ABSOLUTE GENIUS I'VE SEEN SINCE...

[ELLA TEARS FABRIC]

...IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SPECIFICATIONS ARE.

WAIT A MINUTE, JEFF!

THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT'S A LONDON CALL.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT.

HE'S A HACK. LET'S FACE IT.

WITHOUT JEFF, NONE OF THOSE PLAYS

WOULD HAVE EVER GOTTEN OFF THE GROUND.

JEFF HAS THE BRILLIANCE, THE FLAIR, THE WIT--

A WONDERFUL EAR!

AH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

A WONDERFUL EAR. EITHER YOU HAVE IT,

OR YOU DON'T. YOU NEVER ACQUIRE IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE BORN WITH IT.

AH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TALENT.

AND WHAT A GREAT HUMAN BEING.

I AGREE WITH YOU.

TAKE IT DOWNSTAIRS!

IT'S SIMPLY FANTASTIC!

HANG UP WHEN WE GET DOWNSTAIRS!

NOW, LOOK, WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT!

TIME ME, AND I'LL BE BACK IN 30 SECONDS FLAT!

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS WHAT?

I STILL DON'T THINK IT'S A PLAY

FOR A BRITISH DIRECTOR.

WELL, IT WAS THE BIG NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

MARY AND ETHEL JUST REMINISCED

FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

MARY MARTIN AND ETHEL MERMAN?

NO, MARY ASTOR AND ETHEL WATERS.

OH.

HAVING FUN?

WHAT A WONDERFUL EVENING.

I REMEMBER IT AS IF

IT WERE YESTERDAY.

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM HAD BEEN A STAR

FOR AT LEAST 50 YEARS OR MORE.

MARY AND ETHEL NEVER LOOKED MORE RADIANT.

MARY ASTOR AND ETHEL WATERS?

NO, MARY PICKFORD AND ETHEL BARRYMORE.

IT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING, ISN'T IT?

NOW, DON'T YOU LET IT THROW YOU.

YOU JUST DO WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES--

DROP A NAME, RIGHT, KATIE?

RIGHT! FRANK!

SINATRA!

ALBERT! SCHWEITZER!

INGRID! BERGMAN!

NOEL! COWARD!

GENE! KELLY!

OSCAR! LEVANT!

♪♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ BRIGITTE BARDOT AND JEAN COCTEAU ♪♪

♪♪ MARILYN MONROE, VINCENTE MINNELLI ♪♪

♪♪ FRED ASTAIRE AND RENE CLAIR ♪♪

♪♪ JOSE FERRER, THE FORMER GRACE KELLY ♪♪

♪♪ LYNN FONTANNE AND DANNY MANN ♪♪

♪♪ AND DEBORAH KERR ♪♪

♪♪ IRVING BERLIN... ♪♪

♪♪ AND RIN-TIN-TIN ♪♪

♪♪ DANNY KAYE AND DORIS DAY AND PASTERNAK ♪♪

♪♪ HEMINGWAY AND PRINCE RAINIER, MORAN & MACK ♪♪

♪♪ IRWIN SHAW AND EVELYN WAUGH AND CARY GRANT ♪♪

♪♪ RORY CALHOUN... ♪♪

♪♪ AND RIN-TIN-TOON ♪♪

♪♪ BERNIE BARUCH AND KING FAROUK ♪♪

♪♪ ALISTAIR COOKE, LIZZIE AND EDDIE ♪♪

♪♪ LUCILLE BALL AND LAUREN BACALL ♪♪

♪♪ VIVIEN LEIGH, ROZ RUSSELL AND FREDDIE ♪♪

♪♪ ARTHUR FREED AND SAMMY SNEAD ♪♪

♪♪ AND IRVING LAZAR ♪♪

♪♪ ANNA MAY WONG... ♪♪

♪♪ AND RONG-TONG-TONG ♪♪

♪♪ HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ♪♪

♪♪ HA HA ♪♪

♪♪ HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ♪♪

♪♪ HA HA ♪♪

♪♪ FLEW DOWN TO CANNES TO GET A TAN ♪♪

♪♪ THEN SIMPLY RAN TO DEAR PORTOFINO ♪♪

♪♪ SAINT-TROPEZ JUST TURNED ME GRAY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE NIGHT AND DAY I LIVED ON JUST VINO ♪♪

♪♪ STAYED WITH FRITZ AT BIARRITZ ♪♪

♪♪ THE PLAYGROUND OF KINGS ♪♪

♪♪ GLAMOROUS SIGHTS ♪♪

♪♪ LIKE BROOKLYN HEIGHTS ♪♪

♪♪ MY CHRISTIAN DIOR I WORE, THEN TORE ♪♪

♪♪ GOT FITTED FOR A NEW BALENCIAGA ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE CHANEL, SHE WEARS SO WELL ♪♪

♪♪ AS TIME WILL TELL, HER CLOTHES ARE A SAGA ♪♪

♪♪ VALENTINA'S WHERE I'VE BEEN ♪♪

♪♪ I LOVE ALL HER THINGS ♪♪

♪♪ THINGS WITH GOOD LINES ♪♪

♪♪ LIKE THINGS FROM KLEIN'S ♪♪

I DO ALL MY SHOPPING THERE WITH MARY AND ETHEL.

MARY AND ETHEL WHO?

MARY SCHWARTZ AND ETHEL HOTCHKISS.

♪♪ KEENAN WYNN ♪♪

♪♪ RIN-TIN-TIN ♪♪

♪♪ SOPHIA LOREN ♪♪

♪♪ REN-TEN-TEN ♪♪

♪♪ ALI KHAN ♪♪

♪♪ RAWN-TAWN-TAWN ♪♪

♪♪ RAYMOND MASSEY ♪♪

♪♪ LASSIE ♪♪

♪♪ THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY THE GAME ♪♪

♪♪ DROP THAT NAME ♪♪

♪♪ HA HA ♪♪

MEL!

MEL FERRER!

COME ON UP!

IT'S NOT A PLAY FOR A BRITISH DIRECTOR!

LARRY, AT LEAST TALK TO HIM!

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T JEFFREY'S LITTLE SECRETARY.

OOH, WHAT A MEAN BOSS.

MAKES YOU WORK ALL NIGHT, HUH?

[THINKING] OH, GO STICK YOUR HEAD

IN A BAG OF OATS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

OH, YOU'RE PLAYING DUMB, HUH?

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH JEFF,

KEEP IT UP.

IT'S WORKING.

BOY, YOU'RE A REAL KOOKY DAME, AREN'T YOU?

BUT MELISANDE SCOTT--

WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT NAME,

IN A CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE?

I DON'T GET IT.

WE'VE GOT THE SHOW READY TO GO INTO PRODUCTION.

MISS SCOTT.

HAVE YOU GOT A PEN?

♪♪ HE'S IN LOVE WITH MELISANDE SCOTT ♪♪

♪♪ A GIRL WHO DOESN'T EXIST ♪♪

♪♪ HE'S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT ♪♪

♪♪ AND SO REMEMBER, IT WAS NEVER YOU HE KISSED ♪♪

♪♪ THE PARTY'S OVER ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S TIME TO CALL IT A DAY ♪♪

♪♪ NO MATTER HOW YOU PRETEND ♪♪

♪♪ YOU KNEW IT WOULD END THIS WAY ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S TIME TO WIND UP ♪♪

♪♪ THE MASQUERADE ♪♪

♪♪ JUST MAKE YOUR MIND UP ♪♪

♪♪ THE PIPER MUST BE PAID ♪♪

♪♪ THE PARTY'S OVER ♪♪

♪♪ THE CANDLES FLICKER AND DIM ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'VE DANCED AND DREAMED THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IT SEEMED TO BE RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ JUST BEING WITH HIM ♪♪

♪♪ NOW YOU MUST WAKE UP ♪♪

♪♪ ALL DREAMS MUST END ♪♪

♪♪ TAKE OFF YOUR MAKEUP ♪♪

♪♪ THE PARTY'S OVER ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S ALL OVER ♪♪

♪♪ MY FRIEND ♪♪

♪♪ LA DA DA DA, DA DA ♪♪

♪♪ LA DA DA DA DA ♪♪

♪♪ YOU DANCED AND DREAMED THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IT SEEMED TO BE RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ JUST BEING WITH HIM ♪♪

♪♪ NOW YOU MUST WAKE UP ♪♪

♪♪ ALL DREAMS MUST END ♪♪

♪♪ TAKE OFF YOUR MAKEUP ♪♪

♪♪ THE PARTY'S OVER ♪♪

[PLAYING]

YOU SWITCHED THE ORDERS,

AND WE GOT STUCK WITH THE WRONG SHIPMENT.

MAESTRO CORVELLO SAYS YOU HAVE TO COVER THE COST

TO THE TUNE OF 5,000 ALBUMS.

BUT I DID NOT SWITCH THEM.

OTTO, WHO ARE THESE GENTLEMEN?

TWO MUSICIANS FROM THE CHICAGO CONCERT ORCHESTRA.

GENTLEMEN, I AM INNOCENT, AND I REFUSE TO PAY.

IN THAT CASE, OTTO, WE MAY FIND IT NECESSARY

TO TAKE YOU ACROSS THE RIVER FOR A RECORDING SESSION.

A RECORDING SESSION?

YES. MAESTRO CORVELLO IS WAITING TO RECORD

SIEGFRIED'S RHINE JOURNEY AND FUNERAL MARCH.

YOU GOT TWO HOURS.

WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE WAREHOUSE. LET'S GO, NICK.

OH, BYE-BYE!

OTTO, YOU MUSTN'T LET

LITTLE BUSINESS WORRIES UPSET YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER YOU--

YOU KNOW, A WOMAN, SOMEONE YOU CAN CONFIDE IN.

SUE, I WILL CONFIDE IN YOU.

UNTIL NOW, I WANT ONLY

TO BRING KULTUR TO THE MASSES,

BUT NOW I HAVE ANOTHER GOAL--

FOR US TO GROW RICH TOGETHER,

BUT TO DO THIS, WE MUST INVEST

CAPITAL, CAPITAL, CAPITAL!

SUE, HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU GOT?

YOU MUST TRUST ME. I'M TALKING TO YOU

LIKE SOMEONE WHO MAY LOVE YOU.

OH, I HAVE $6,500!

WHERE IS IT?

WHY, IT'S IN A LITTLE BLUE SOCK!

I KEEP IT, IF YOU'LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION,

UPON MY PERSON.

SUE, I LOVE YOU.

[PLAYING JUST IN TIME]

♪♪ NOWHERE TO GO ♪♪

IT'S NO USE, JEFF.

WE'VE COVERED EVERY BAR IN TOWN.

COME ON BACK TO THE PARTY.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER--

WHERE SHE LIVES,

HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HER--

JUST A NOTE SAYING GOOD-BYE.

COME ON, JEFF.

NOW, DON'T WORRY, LARRY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PLAY.

I'LL KEEP WORKING.

I KNOW THAT. I...

OK.

[SNAP]

I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER A MARTINI, PLEASE.

OK.

DRY--VERY DRY.

GOOD EVENING, MR. MOSS.

GOOD EVENING.

YOU DON'T--

YOU DON'T KNOW ME, DO YOU, MR. MOSS?

I'M BLAKE BARTON !

HA HA! IT MUST BE THE SUIT.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I LOVE THE PART

MR. HASTINGS SET ME FOR IN YOUR PLAY TODAY--

THE DENTIST WHO WANTS TO BE A COMPOSER.

WHERE DO YOU WRITERS

GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT FROM, ANYWAY?

I MEAN, AN IDEA LIKE THAT...

WHERE DO YOU GET THEM FROM?

OH, LET ME ALONE, WILL YOU?

EXCUSE ME, MR. MOSS.

I'M SORRY, BARTON. I FEEL ROTTEN.

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

I WISH I WERE DEAD.

OH, GEE, MR. MOSS,

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,

MAN, I WAS THE LOWEST.

I HADN'T WORKED FOR MONTHS,

AND THEN, A MIRACLE!

OH, PLEASE, NO MIRACLES.

YOU'RE A NICE GUY, BARTON. DRINK UP.

THANKS. I'VE GOT ONE COMING.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S SHOWTIME,

AND FOR OUR OPENING PRODUCTION NUMBER,

THE PYRAMID PIPS PRESENT A BRAND-NEW SONG--

THE MIDAS TOUCH!

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪♪ GOLD AND ALL ITS GLORY ♪♪

♪♪ AND HERE'S THE STORY OF THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

DID THEY SAY THE MIDAS TOUCH?

SHH!

♪♪ THE BEGGAR RESTS HIS WEARY HEAD ♪♪

♪♪ AND DREAMS OF JUST ONE CRUST OF BREAD ♪♪

♪♪ BUT WHEN THE BEGGAR'S DREAMS GROW BOLD ♪♪

♪♪ HE DREAMS AS OTHERS DO ♪♪

♪♪ OF GOLD ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH, THE MIGHTY MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH, THE MIGHTY MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

♪♪ THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY MIDAS TOUCH ♪♪

GOLD! ♪♪ IN THE MORNING ♪♪

GOLD! ♪♪ IN THE EVENING ♪♪

GOLD! ♪♪ IN THE SUMMER ♪♪

GOLD! ♪♪ IN THE WINTER ♪♪

♪♪ DR. MIDAS SAID TO ME ♪♪

♪♪ "BE SURE TO TAKE YOUR VITAMIN G-O-L-D" ♪♪

♪♪ AND THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME ♪♪

♪♪ AAH ♪♪

OH, LIKE THE NUMBER?

YEAH, ESPECIALLY

THE FOURTH ONE FROM THE RIGHT.

NO, NO, THE SONG.

I WROTE IT. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU SAY YOU WROTE THAT?

THE MIDAS TOUCH?

SURE. GREAT TITLE, ISN'T IT?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT SO.

WOULD YOU JOIN US?

OH, I'D BE GLAD TO.

I'M JEFFREY MOSS. THIS IS BLAKE BARTON.

HOW DO YOU DO?

MY NAME IS JOE KITCHELL.

SIT DOWN.

JACKPOT, FRANCIE.

THE THREE OF THEM ARE TOGETHER.

WE'RE GOING TO CLOSE IN TONIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE?

POSITIVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE PUSHING DOPE,

SELLING BABIES, OR IF IT'S A SPY RING,

BUT IT'S SOMETHING BIG, AND SHE'S MISS BIG.

GO ALERT THE SQUAD.

MR. KITCHELL--

UH-UH-UH. IT'S DR. KITCHELL.

ACTUALLY, I'M A DENTIST.

DENTIST?

DENTIST?

THAT'S FUNNY. I'M A DENTIST.

YOU'RE A DENTIST?

WELL, I PLAY A DENTIST IN A PLAY.

THAT'S FUNNY.

WELL, I'M NOT A DENTIST ANYMORE.

I'M A COMPOSER NOW.

MY FATHER DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE A COMPOSER.

MY FATHER DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE A COMPOSER.

HE DOESN'T?

MY FATHER IN THE PLAY.

THAT'S FUNNY.

IT'S REAL FUNNY AND SAD.

IT'S A VERY INTERESTING PART.

I MAKE UP THESE TUNES ON THE AIR HOSE,

AND MY FATHER DOESN'T WANT ME TO--

YOU...

I WROTE THE MIDAS TOUCH ON THE AIR HOSE.

THAT'S WHAT'S HOLDING UP THE PLAY.

I'VE BEEN USING PAPER.

WHAT PLAY?

THE PLAY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT--

HE WROTE IT.

YOU WROTE THE PLAY?

THE MIDAS TOUCH.

THAT'S THE NAME OF MY SONG.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

All three: THAT'S FUNNY.

[GASP]

I REMEMBER.

I GOT THE TITLE FROM THAT GIRL.

WHAT GIRL?

THE GIRL THAT SAID SHE WAS THINKING

OF THE MIDAS TOUCH THAT DAY.

WHAT DAY?

OH, THAT WAS THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE.

I WAS FEELING LOWER THAN LOW, HOPELESS,

AND SUDDENLY, A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

MIRACLE?

HE'S GOT A MIRACLE, TOO.

THIS GIRL-- SHE WASN'T IN THE OFFICE

MORE THAN A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

TIPPED ME OFF ABOUT THIS JOB, AND I GOT IT.

SHE WAS BLOND, PRETTY, 5' 6", BIG BROWN EYES--

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A SECOND HERE!

LISTEN, MR. MOSS.

THAT'S HOW I GOT THE CHANCE

TO DO THE PART IN YOUR PLAY.

THIS GIRL COMES UP TO ME IN MIKE'S

AND TELLS ME ABOUT MYSELF--

YOU KNOW, ABOUT THE CLOTHES

AND THE WHOLE BIT.

SHE CHANGES MY LIFE. I GET THE PART.

WHAT I'M LEADING UP TO IS:

SHE WAS BLOND, 5' 6"--

MELISANDE!

WHO?

MELISANDE SCOTT. WHERE IS SHE?

I'VE GOT TO FIND HER.

WAIT A SECOND. THAT GIRL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

IS THE SAME GIRL THAT DROPPED INTO MY LIFE.

THE SAME GIRL?

WHERE DID YOU SEE HER LAST? WHERE?

SHE WAS IN THE OFFICE A COUPLE OF MINUTES

AND DISAPPEARED. I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.

THE SAME WITH ME.

I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

I'VE GOT TO FIND HER. I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.

WHERE CAN I CALL YOU LATER?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'LL BE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

I'LL GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER. HERE.

I'LL GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER, TOO.

THANKS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

BROOKLYN HEIGHTS.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

BROOKLYN HEIGHTS.

SEEMS LIKE A LOGICAL MOVE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU THREE, COME ON ALONG.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS?

HEY, THERE'S ONLY TWO OF THEM.

YOU COVER THE EXIT. YOU COVER THE MEN'S ROOM.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WE'RE TAKING YOU TO THE STATION FOR A LITTLE QUESTIONING.

WOULD THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO

WITH THE BLOND GIRL?

YOU SAID IT.

THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.

COME ON.

WAIT!

♪♪ THAT'S FUNNY THAT YOU LOVE ME, DARLING ♪♪

COME ON.

[DANCERS SQUEAL]

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWS]

MELISANDE!

MELISANDE!

Sue: DR. KITCHELL'S DENTAL CLINIC.

WHERE CAN I REACH THE DOCTOR?

DR. KITCHELL LEFT NO MESSAGE.

OH, THANKS. OH, WAIT!

IS THIS SUSANSWERPHONE?

THAT'S CORRECT. WHO'S CALLING?

NEVER MIND.

SUSANSWERPHONE.

Sue: BLAKE BARTON'S RESIDENCE.

SUSANSWERPHONE?

YES. WHO'S CALLING?

THAT'S FUNNY.

DR. KITCHELL, BARTON, AND ME--

ALL SUSANSWERPHONE.

THAT WAS THE OTHER ONE I WAS TALKING TO.

MOM...

MELISANDE...MOM...

MOM?

MOM!

BUT, ELLA, I'M NOT ANGRY WITH YOU.

I JUST WISH YOU'D CONFIDED IN ME SOONER.

WELL, YOU MUSTN'T LEAVE.

I HAVE TO, SUE.

I JUST CAN'T STAY HERE ANYMORE.

BUT, ELLA--

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZES]

[BUZZING STOPS]

ELLA, I NEED YOU HERE.

THE SUBSCRIBERS WON'T EVEN KNOW I'VE GONE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WHY, ONLY TODAY, MRS. MALLET CALLED TWICE

ABOUT HER LITTLE BOY, JUNIOR.

HE WANTED TO TALK TO SANTA CLAUS.

THEY ALL ASK FOR YOU.

THEY CALL ME "THE OTHER ONE."

PLEASE STAY, ELLA.

I CAN'T, SUE.

I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE

TUNING IN ON OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES,

PLAYING ALL SORTS OF IMAGINARY CHARACTERS.

THEY BECAME EVEN MORE REAL TO ME THAN I WAS.

JEFF...FELL IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THEM,

NOT WITH ME.

WHO IS ME?

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF WHO I AM.

♪♪ I KNOW YOU ♪♪

♪♪ YOUR NAME IS SUE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT WHO AM I? ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT ♪♪

♪♪ AT LEAST, I'M GONNA TRY ♪♪

♪♪ I'M GOING BACK ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE I CAN BE ME ♪♪

♪♪ AT THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE BRASSIERE COMPANY ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'VE GOT A GREAT BIG SWITCHBOARD THERE ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE IT'S JUST HELLO, GOOD-BYE ♪♪

♪♪ IT MAY BE DULL ♪♪

♪♪ BUT THERE I CAN BE JUST ME, MYSELF, AND I ♪♪

♪♪ A LITTLE MODELING ON THE SIDE ♪♪

♪♪ YES, THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE ♪♪

♪♪ AT THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE BRASSIERE COMPANY ♪♪

♪♪ AND IF ANYBODY ASKS FOR ELLA, MELLA, OR MOM ♪♪

♪♪ TELL THEM THAT I'M GOING BACK WHERE I CAME FROM ♪♪

♪♪ TO THE B.T. BRASSIERE COMPANY ♪♪

♪♪ GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY ♪♪

♪♪ GOOD-BYE, MADAME GRIMALDI ♪♪

♪♪ GOOD-BYE, JUNIOR MALLET ♪♪

♪♪ SANTA CLAUS IS A-HITTIN' THE ROAD ♪♪

♪♪ LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA, MAMA, MAMA ♪♪

♪♪ EAT YOUR SPINACH, BABY ♪♪

♪♪ EAT YOUR SPINACH, BABY, BY THE LOAD ♪♪

LA PETITE BERGERE RESTAURANT, ADIEU.

JE NE REVIENDRAI JAMAIS, JAMAIS, JAMAIS.

C'EST TOUT FINI. ADIEU TO YOU.

♪♪ SO GOOD-BYE, MAX, TO YOUR DOGS AND YOUR CATS ♪♪

♪♪ TO THE DUKE OF WINDSOR AND HIS DUCHESS ♪♪

♪♪ BYE-BYE, BARTON AND KITCHELL AND HASTINGS ♪♪

♪♪ AT LAST, YOU'RE OUT OF MY CLUTCHES ♪♪

♪♪ I'LL MISS YOU, BUT YOU'LL CARRY ON ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THAT I'VE GONE ♪♪

♪♪ I'M A-GOIN' BACK ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE I CAN BE ME ♪♪

♪♪ AT THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE BRASSIERE COMPANY ♪♪

♪♪ AND WHILE I'M SITTING THERE ♪♪

♪♪ I HOPE THAT I FIND OUT ♪♪

♪♪ JUST WHAT ELLA PETERSON IS ALL ABOUT ♪♪

♪♪ IN THAT SHANGRI-LA OF LACY LINGERIE ♪♪

♪♪ A LITTLE MODELING ON THE SIDE ♪♪

♪♪ AT THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE BRASSIERE COMPANY ♪♪

SEND ME MY MAIL THERE!

♪♪ TO THE BONJOUR TRISTESSE COMPANY ♪♪

[SEVERAL PEOPLE TALKING]

Otto: I'LL EXPLAIN IT.

Ella: I'VE GOT TO GET OUT.

JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

Man: GO ON ! GET IN !

GET IN HERE, YOU FINK, YOU.

ALL RIGHT, NOW HAND OVER THAT MONEY!

I WILL. I WILL.

GIVE ME A CHANCE TO CHECK THE BOOKS.

Sue: ELLA, LET ME HELP YOU.

WHY, OTTO,

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?

WHO COULD HAVE SWITCHED THESE ORDERS

FROM BEETHOVEN'S 10th TO BEETHOVEN'S 9th?

Ella: I DID.

BEETHOVEN ONLY WROTE NINE SYMPHONIES.

YOU IDIOT!

YOU PUT ALL THE MONEY ON THE WRONG HORSE.

I WAS ALMOST BUMPED OFF FOR THIS BY THE CORVELLO MOB.

SHUT UP!

TO THINK, MY SIMPLE LITTLE BOOKIE SYSTEM

CAN BE LOUSED UP BY THIS DUMB BROAD.

HORSES?

BOOKIES!

OTTO, IS THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU

ALL THAT MONEY FOR?

OH, SUE, YOU DIDN'T.

THAT'S SWELL, LOUDMOUTH.

NOW THESE DAMES KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? THEY CAN'T TALK.

THEY'RE IN THIS AS MUCH AS WE ARE.

ONE PEEP OUT OF THEM,

AND THE COPS WILL PUT THEM IN JAIL

AND CLOSE UP SUSANSWERPHONE.

OH, NO!

THE MONEY. LET'S GO! THE MONEY!

MY LIFE SAVINGS! ELLA, PLEASE--

SHUT UP!

AAH!

HA HA HA...

THEY DON'T GET IT.

GET WHAT? SHUT UP!

OK, OTTO, YOUR NUMBER'S UP.

RIDICULOUS.

OH, NO. REMEMBER MR. BARNES

OF VOGUE MAGAZINE?

WELL, HE'S NOT MR. BARNES.

HE'S INSPECTOR BARNES,

AND THE COPS KNOW ABOUT THIS

WHOLE LAYOUT. IT'S A TRAP!

OH! OH!

YOU'RE COMING WITH US TO CORVELLO'S.

NO, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY TO RUB US OUT, BOYS,

BECAUSE...BECAUSE... BECAUSE YOU'VE ALL BEEN

SPILLING YOUR GUTS INTO A TAPE RECORDER.

WHERE IS IT?

WHERE IS IT?

YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING WITH KIDS?

HA! WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?

OH! IT'S RIGGED UP TO THE POLICE STATION,

THAT'S WHERE,

AND YOU BETTER GET GOING

BECAUSE AS A MATTER OF FACT,

INSPECTOR BARNES SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

Barnes: AHA!

OH! INSPECTOR BARNES.

OH, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

AND I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU, MISS PETERSON.

NOW YOU JUST GET YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AND COME ON ALONG.

THAT'S RIGHT. MY TOOTHBRUSH?

OH, NO, INSPECTOR BARNES.

WE CAN JUST DROP THAT ACT RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE WHOLE BOOKIE MOB RIGHT HERE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THEM AWAY.

INSPECTOR BARNES, I SURRENDER HAPPILY.

THESE ARE TWO OF CORVELLO'S HENCHMEN.

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR HAVING SUCH A BRILLIANT ALLY

WORKING WITH YOU TO UNCOVER THE CORVELLO GANG.

ME? I'M NOTHING. SMALL POTATOES.

CORVELLO--

HE'S THE HEAD OF EVERYTHING.

WE ONLY WORK FOR HIM.

WHAT?

INSPECTOR, DON'T YOU GET THE PICTURE?

TITANIC RECORDS IS A BOOKIE OPERATION.

TAKE THEM AWAY.

TAKE THEM AWAY!

FAREWELL, MY LIEBCHEN.

OH, OTTO, HOW YOU DECEIVED ME.

AH, BUT HOW YOU DECEIVED ME,

YOU LITTLE MATA HARI.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.

INSPECTOR BARNES,

YOU'LL GET A PROMOTION FOR THIS.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A NICE GIRL.

WELL, IS IT A CRIME TO HAVE MADE A HUMAN MISTAKE?

I MISJUDGED YOU.

Barnes: OH, MISS SUE, I WONDER IF YOU'D MIND

COMING DOWN TO THE STATION WITH ME.

I MAY NEED YOUR HELP.

OH, I'LL BE GLAD TO.

NOW, ELLA,

PROMISE ME YOU WON'T LEAVE.

NO. I'LL WATCH THE BOARD TILL YOU GET BACK.

OH, I FORGOT TO TURN IT BACK ON AGAIN.

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZES]

SUSANSWERPHONE.

Moss: I WANT TO TALK TO MISS MELISANDE SCOTT.

WHAT?

I SAID I WANT TO TALK TO MISS SCOTT.

OH, SPEAK SLOWER.

MELISANDE SCOTT. I KNOW SHE WORKS THERE.

THERE'S NOBODY HERE BY THAT NAME.

I KNOW SHE MUST BE THERE. I'M COMING OVER.

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

THERE'S NOBODY HERE BY THAT NAME.

CRACKPOT!

SUE, WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, SOMEBODY LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.

I SAID THERE WAS NOBODY HERE BY THAT NAME.

BY WHAT NAME?

MELANIE OR MELISANDE.

HE SAID HE WAS COMING DOWN HERE.

NO, SUE, I CAN'T STAY!

WATCH THE BOARD.

NO!

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZING]

MAX'S DOG AND CAT BEAUTY SHOP. NOBODY HOME.

[CAR DRIVES UP]

Moss: ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT ADDRESS?

Man: THAT'S IT.

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN OFFICE BUILDING TO ME.

THAT'S IT, BUDDY.

WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS?

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF OLIVER TWIST.

WHAT?

[OLDER VOICE] KEEP AWAY, YOUNG MAN.

WE GIRLS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE FAMILIAR

WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

MOM...MOM.

DON'T YOU KNOW ME?

DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR LITTLE TELEPHONIC SONNY BOY?

OH, YES. MR. MOSS.

GET OUT!

OH! OH, ALL RIGHT!

GET THE PICTURE? IT'S ME.

OH! OH...

MELISANDE.

NO, NO MELISANDE. IT'S ELLA PETERSON.

THERE'S NO MELISANDE. I MADE IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, ELLA, MELLA, MOM,

WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, I LOVE YOU.

YOU CAN'T! I TRICKED YOU.

PRETTY SHABBY TRICK, SAVING A MAN'S LIFE.

BUT ALL THAT STUFF--

I WAS JUST TELLING YOU WHAT YOU TOLD MOM.

I'M NOTHING.

DON'T YOU CALL MOM NOTHING.

HUH? I LOVED TALKING TO MOM.

SHE WAS WARM, SYMPATHETIC,

WISE, UNDERSTANDING.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE OLD LADY.

AND ISN'T IT A NICE SURPRISE

TO FIND OUT THAT SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE

WHO KNOWS HOW TO CHA-CHA?

YOU HAVE TO LET ME EXPLAIN

WHAT I DID TO YOU.

NEVER MIND. I GOT YOU PRETTY WELL FIGURED OUT.

I HAD A LONG TRIP ALL THE WAY FROM BROOKLYN HEIGHTS

TO WORK ON IT.

OH...

DR. KITCHELL...

OH!

BARTON...

OH!

ELLA, YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT

JUST THE SAME WAY YOU SAY HELLO

TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET.

ELLA, YOU'RE A GIRL

WITH A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE.

DON'T SCATTER IT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

GIVE IT TO ME.

I NEED IT. I WANT IT.

[SWITCHBOARD BUZZING]

[TURNS OFF SWITCHBOARD]

OH, ELLA!

OH, THIS IS PLAZA-OH, DOUBLE-4, DOUBLE-3.

HOW DO YOU DO?

YOU MUST BE THE OTHER ONE.

Barnes: HERE'S SOME OTHERS TO SEE YOU--

BUTTERFIELD 8-9970!

DR. KITCHELL!

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

OH, DON'T THANK ME.

♪♪ DON'T THANK ME, BUT LET ME THANK-- ♪♪

Barnes: MURRAY HILL 3-9970!

BLAKE BARTON!

LISTEN, GIRL, YOU GAVE MY LIFE THAT CRAZY SWITCHEROO.

CUCKOO!

Barnes: PLAZA 8-9653!

OH, MR. HASTINGS, HOW ARE YOU?

REESE 6-4590.

Madame Grimaldi: ♪♪ AAAAHH ♪♪

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Man: AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU, TOO, LIKE THIS SATISFIED CUSTOMER,

CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

BY SUBSCRIBING TO AN ANSWERING SERVICE.

Chorus: ♪♪ HERE ALONE, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE SIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ ME ON THE TOWN IN SOME BEWITCHING GOWN ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I JUST WAIT AT THE END OF THE LINE ♪♪

♪♪ AS BELLS ARE RINGING ♪♪

♪♪ THE BELLS KEEP RINGING ♪♪

♪♪ OH, WHY, OH, WHY CAN'T THE NEXT CALL BE MINE? ♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--