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Hello, again.

I'm Laura ingraham and you're watching "the ingraham angle."

Which re-airs on telemundo as "la madre del diablo." Later in

the program, celebrities in California are whining about

some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under

constant attack from rain.

But, first, let's talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed

democrats to literally steal the election.

Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the

republican party, but doesn't it feel more true that all

hispanics voted twice?

You can't dismiss that idea simply because it isn't true and

sounds insane.

In fact, let's add that to our list of feel facts.

Which aren't technically facts, but they just feel true.

Like -- latinos can have a baby every three months.

Santa is Jesus' dad.

If the earth is so warm, then why are my feet cold?

Blackface is a compliment.

If you have less than five guns, you're gay.

Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is

pulitzer-prize eligible judge jeanine pirro.

I hate them, Laura!

Who?

Sorry, that's just my vocal warm-up.

Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you

uncovered?

Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order

to vote multiples times.

For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta.

Then he went into his car and changed into this woman.

And he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling,

"he ur!"

Very disturbing.

And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call

stacking, where multiple children will stack on top of

each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Wow, fantastic journalism, janeane.

Duh.

Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors,

the few remaining businesses that are willing to be

associated with me.

Starting with fashion catheters.

Got poor control but great style?

Fashion catheters.

Now with genuine swarovski crystals.

Ouch.

And is your dog still not baptized?

Then order reverend Whitaker's home dog baptism kit.

Because all dogs don't go to heaven unless they're properly

baptized.

And only want the healthy part of the egg?

Try whites only.

It's egg whites and it's just for us.

Alright my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for

letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates.

Please welcome Facebook ceo Mark Zuckerberg.

Hey Laura, it's great to be here.

Smile two, three, four.

Mark, are you comfortable?

Why are you holding your arms like that?

Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Intense.

Now, Mark, what about the story that fox had a smear campaign

with George soros, seen here in this photo,

did you know about that campaign?

Absolutely not, Laura.

Blink twice, eyeballs.

The idea we employed a horrible company makes me laugh -- ha,

ha, ha.

Good job.

People say my laugh is chilling.

And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become

more transparent?

I can't be anymore transparent.

Have you seen my skin?

Ha, ha, ha.

If I were more transparent, I would be clear.

Seriously, I kid.

I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money.

Ha, ha, ha.

Thank you, Mark.

Democrats will soon be deciding who's going to be the speaker of

the house.

Here to comment is diverse congresswoman from Ohio,

please welcome representative marcia fudge.

Hi, Laura, thank you for having me.

Congresswoman fudge, you're challenging Nancy pelosi for

speaker of the house.

Why do you think she has to go?

Nancy pelosi is tainted.

For years the gop has used her name against us.

But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me,

a middle-aged black woman named fudge.

No, definitely not.

And do you think Nancy pelosi, seen here in the recent document

about her, "the nun," do you think she would really give up

the chance to be speaker of the house?

Look, I love Nancy pelosi and I'm not saying she's old but her

baby sister is a redwood tree.

When she started the trial, she was speaker of the cave.

Someone give me a microphone.

This bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said,

it's the first girl!

She just calls the old testament, the testament.

She's so old, her birthstone is rosetta!

Okay, I think we understand, marcia.

Okay, I'm done.

And the other reason I should be speaker,

is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Uh-oh.

The phrase "mobilize the black vote" has set off our fox news

"the country is changing" alarms.

Marcia, what do you think of that?

I think that you're lucky we in a remote interview.

Cause if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of

you.

Well -- alright, let's take a break and hear from our

sponsors.

Like teeny tiny turkeys.

Have you alienated everyone in your life?

Have Thanksgiving for one with a teeny tiny Turkey.

We swear it ain't a pigeon.

And cash for organs.

You don't need all those organs.

Plus, Volkswagen: You know why.

And when we come back, part two of my interview with the

self-proclaimed vape god.

A real person I had on my show.

Y'all what up.

I'm ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

And you're not trolling me, right?

You're a real expert on e-cig laws?

Oh for sure.

I got that swag.

I got that drip.

And our producers have fully vetted you?

Because we bumped supreme court justice Clarence Thomas to speak

with you.

Then you made the right choice.

My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Wow.

Finally a millennial who's speaking my language.

Much more with that gentleman when we return.

I'll have my dong out.

I can't wait.

And live from New York, it's Saturday night.

I can't wait.

And live from New York, it's Saturday night.

announcer: It's "Saturday night live"!

With -- Beck Bennett, aidy Bryant, Michael che,

Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Leslie Jones, Colin jost,

Kate McKinnon, Alex moffat, Kyle mooney, cecily strong,

kenan Thompson, Melissa villasenor.

Featuring -- Heidi gardner, ego nwodim, Chris redd,

musical guest -- Ella mai.

And your host -- Steve carell.

Ladies and gentlemen -- Steve carell.

Hi!

Thank you very much, thank you!

Hello, I am so excited to be here tonight.

This is my third time hosting "SNL" and -- thank you.

It's been a while.

It's been ten years.

And I have been pretty busy doing movies.

I actually have one coming out soon.

Steve, can I ask a question?

Yeah, okay.

I guess we're doing questions, sure.

First of all, big fan.

I love all of your movies.

Oh, thank you.

My question is, will you ever reboot "the office"?

No, actually, I don't think so.

It was a great experience.

I love all of those people but I just don't think it is the best

idea.

I think maybe we should just leave it alone.

Okay.

Next question.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Steve.

Hey.

Are you kenan or are you playing a fake audience member?

I'm kenan.

Believe me, dude, if I was acting, you would know it.

Anyway, I just wanted say I also think you should reboot "the

office." Thanks, okay.

But you know what, it would be like if someone wanted you to

reboot "kenan and kel." right?

That would be an honor.

Well fine, but for me, I just don't think it would be as good

this time around.

I think the fans would be let down.

But thank you.

Next question.

Yeah, hi, Steve -- oh, hi!

Ellie kemper, wow, hi!

Hi.

People would really love too see an "office" reboot.

Yes.

That's what I mean.

I need that money!

Let's get that money, Steve!

I'm sorry, Ellie, I just don't think it's a good idea.

You're a jerk.

Okay.

Ed!

Ed, ed helms, hi!

Ed!

Wow!

It's so great to see you.

It's great to see you too.

I just don't think you understand just how much money

we're talking about.

Like you wouldn't have to do all of those sad movies anymore.

I don't do those movies for money, I like doing them.

Yeah, but you could all make some serious money.

Okay.

You're an audience member, this isn't about you.

And, ed, why don't we just have a party instead?

We can all catch up, get together.

No cameras, just friends?

Oh, we already do that.

We just don't invite you.

Okay, wow.

Thanks, man.

Steve -- Jenna!

My god!

Steve, do you remember the last words that Pam secretly

whispered to Michael as she left for Denver?

Not really.

Okay.

She said, "Steve, don't be dick, do the reboot." I don't remember

that at all.

Well I do.

Don't you want to see what Pam and Jeff are up to these days?

It's Pam and Jim.

Who cares?

Why are you getting hung up on the details.

Let's just do the damn thing.

No, please -- honey, honey.

Oh, it's my wife, Nancy, and my kids.

Hi, guy!

Annie and Johnny and Nancy, say hi.

Hi.

We think you should probably do the show.

Honey, I just don't want to spend that much time away from

you guys.

Well, we don't really need you to hang around anymore, right,

kids?

We're good.

Are you serious?

Yeah, we're fine.

No problem.

Hey, you guys want to go?

Let's go.

Are you not even going to watch the show?

No, see you later.

Okay, all right.

Well, thanks.

Feels like everybody wants this to happen.

Do you guys want to see an "office" reboot?

Come on up on stage.

All right.

No, no, not you.

You're not part of this.

All right, I'm proud to announce officially that we have a great

show tonight!

Ella mai is here.

So stick around, and we'll be right back!

Kids, kids, wake up.

I have big news!

Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.

Why is dad in here?

Because it's time for you to pack your bags.

We're going to Disney world.

Disney world!

Oh, that's so nice, but you don't have to cheer us up.

We already know that mom's leaving.

She what?

Don't worry.

Yeah, we're fine with it.

It's okay, we've known for a really long time.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my god, does he not know?

No, no, no, no, he has to know.

He would be an idiot if he didn't know.

The whole town knows.

It's in the newspaper.

The messed-up part is dad is the one that introduced each of them

to one another?

What?

What's happening?

Oh, my god, is he that dumb?

Yeah.

He didn't even notice when the cat ran away,

we replaced it with a dog.

What?

My cat.

What is wrong with him?

Have some respect.

I am your father -- mine, not technically.

What does that mean?

I mean, how can we know all of this it and our dad has no idea.

You mean your dad!

All right, how about this, why don't you tell me what the hell

is going on here and I will still take you to Disney world.

We were just at Disney world.

You were?

Yeah, for Jeremy's birthday.

Me.

Does he not know our names?

Wait, wait.

If you were at Disney, where was I?

We assumed you were coming but then we realized mom didn't

invite you.

And and we were like why are we at Disney world with dad's boss?

Yeah, is dad as boss Ron going to be with us the whole trip?

It was pretty clear he and mom were sleeping together.

I'm so confused, I can scream right now.

Actually, why are we whispering?

I don't want to wake up your mother.

Dad, she's definitely not here.

What?

Yeah, she's been gone for a month.

She lives in Arizona with Ron, and in four days, so will we.

Oh, I'd love to go to Arizona.

I've never seen the ocean.

Dad, and I mean this, what the hell is wrong with you?

Okay.

Okay.

Listen, I have something to tell you guys.

Things haven't been going well with your mom.

I think she might be cheating on me.

Oh, man, I can't do this again.

Maybe with my friend Dave.

It's Ron!

Ron!

Shh, don't wake up Ron.

But I'm giving up.

Because you kids are four miracles.

You're my miracles.

Especially since your mother and I have only done it twice.

All right, dad, I think that's enough.

Okay, you're right.

I'm going to go to bed.

I have a big day today.

Gonna surprise my kids with a trip to Disney!

And now a message from Amazon's ceo Jeff bezos.

Hi, everyone.

As you know, Amazon just announced the location of its

two new headquarters in New York and Virginia.

And everyone, except for the people who live there and the

people who live in all of the places we didn't choose,

is thrilled.

Some folks have speculated that I was somehow trolling President

Trump by building one headquarters in his hometown of

queens and the other in his current residence of Washington,

D.C., thereby overshadowing or humiliating him.

But that's simply not true.

Sure, he attacked me repeatedly on Twitter,

but I chose our new locations because they were ideal for a

growing business, not just to make Donald Trump think about

how I'm literally 100 times richer than he is.

We needed access to a young, educated workforce,

which is why we set up a satellite office in palm beach,

Florida, across the street from mar-a-lago.

And did I purchase "the Washington post"?

Sure.

But it wasn't just to run headlines like the White House

is in a meltdown or lawyers suing "the apprentice" for

President Trump's use of the n-word.

And I also like the style section.

But the real reason I wanted to talk to you today has nothing to

do with Donald Trump, who publicly attacked our company

for exploiting the post office.

I'm here to announce a brand-new delivery option that doesn't

involve the post office at all, Amazon caravan.

Any package going to Trump's building will get delivered by

hundreds of Honduran immigrants and I will pick up the bill.

Unless you order this book, because that costs more I guess

it's heavier.

I guess that's the only book with four chapter 11s.

Testing has shown customers find drones scary and impersonal.

That's why I'm outfitting each and every drone with human hair.

The style of the hair was completely random.

I just wanted something that looked so silly and everybody

knew it was fake and the drove should just give up and shave

his head like a real man would.

And I want to make sure to give back to the new communities for

joining.

That's why I'm purchasing a building in queens that used to

be the crown Jewel of Fred Trump's real estate empire and

converting it into public urinals.

And in Virginia, we'll be very close to Arlington national

cemetery so we can pay our respect to fallen veterans,

even when it's raining outside.

Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon's future is brighter than ever.

This has been a sickburn by Jeff bezos.

Oh, my goodness, the food looks and smells amazing.

Charles, you made it.

Stop fishing for compliments.

Well it does look great.

Yeah, what are we waiting for?

Let's eat.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, listen.

Thanks for letting me tag along to friendsgiving.

Hey, I'm a straggler too.

That's what neighbors are for.

Yeah, I second that.

I'm secretly kind of happy that my flight was canceled because

I'm afraid of my parents dog, like a poodle wolf,

knocks me down, and dominates me.

That's weird.

You know what I've been thinking about,

there are no Thanksgiving songs.

Are there none?

There are some.

What about "coming around the mountain"?

Yeah right.

Like the rock song.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess that proves there's no famous Thanksgiving songs.

No, no.

This one's famous.

You know it.

Caught his eye on Turkey day as we both make pumpkin pie she

flashed a little smile my way can she tell I am shy Yes,

that's it, yes!

Yeah.

No, I definitely don't know that one.

Why don't we just eat?

No, no, you know it.

Hey, you sing the girl parts, and I'll sing the guy parts.

Great, yeah, we'll sing it, and then they'll know it.

Yeah.

You don't have to do this.

We don't need to know.

I took his hand she took my hand we walked into the shed you two

don't know each other?

No.

Our clothes came off we never said a word my thing got scared

and my face god red This is not a Thanksgiving song.

Why, what do you mean?

No, well, it takes place on Turkey day,

it's actually kind of a -- together: Cool, sad story.

His thing got scared?

Yeah, cause he's shy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, we trust you, it's that famous Thanksgiving rock song.

You know what, you'd know it if you like heard the music.

Oh, you know what?

I saw a synthesizer in the closet when I was hanging up my

coat.

Okay.

You know what, I don't think that has any batteries actually.

I have double as right here.

Oh, great.

Here we go.

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

side by side in the nude that's how we spent our night never

touching sometimes crying pretending we're all right his

thing woke up for just a sec but then got scared again the sun

came up the squirrel watching we laughed and cried again then --

yeah, there's a spoken part.

Spoken part.

It's morning, I have to go.

But I'm embarrassed.

I failed you!

Are they German?

Yeah, they don't even have Thanksgiving there.

You didn't fail me.

You tried your best, and I love you.

Goodbye!

Wait, wait, wait, what's your name?

Wow!

What a Turkey day night!

I never saw her face again and she never saw his thing now

every Turkey day that comes they have this cool rock song to sing

so you know this?

Yes, I guess I do!

Oh wait, is it this?

Now every Turkey day that comes they think of how they missed

their chance our lives are short our love is real now we do the

Turkey dance our lives are short and love is real now we do the

Turkey dance Oh!

I can't believe we all knew that song.

Or maybe it was just the magic of Thanksgiving.

Wait, where did she go?

She's gone.

Just like the song.

Where did your friend go, Beth?

She wasn't with me.

I thought you knew her.

No.

Well, she was the love of my life.

Well, our car keys are gone.

And didn't you have a TV there?

I think she stabbed me!

Does that look like a stab?

It does.

Life is short and love is rare Stop singing, call the police!

We do the Turkey dance I' bleeding real bad.

I'm bleeding bad.

Oh.

Yo, this country man or woman.

It's crazy.

Crazy.

You know there's only like one lady holding the whole damn

thing together, right?

And you think some broken ribs are going to keep her down?

Hell no, and hell no.

Live ginsburg and I ride.

This is you, rbg.

live ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg okay live ginsburg for

ginsburg okay live ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg okay live

ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg okay live ginsburg and I ride

for ginsburg her name's rbg and she born in bk running the

supreme court killing it since 33 she went to law school she

was first in her class if she ever wants a date I plead the

court on she was out there on the strip okay telling Trump to

Kiss my buns!

fighting for women's rights equal rights she the she work

for presidents Jimmy Carter Bill Clinton she's experienced as she

should be president because I live ginsburg so I ride for

ginsburg Where Brooklyn at?

the court is the stage write dissent that throws shade tell

Trump stay out her way don't with my roe v Wade Precedents.

supreme courts a boys club she holds it down no cares given who

else got six movies about them and still living she's brass

knuckles tough her scared got to be kidding pour one out for my

retired homie Anthony Kennedy survived the depression and

Twitter attacks from Trump broken rib cage stop her before

she eats that for lunch now you know who I am.

She snaps on these bars like the gins at a bar exam ya putz live

ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg live ginsburg and I ride for

ginsburg Now you know we love rbg.

Yo, tell them your favorite rbg decision dog.

I don't know.

Come on!

Man.

Hello, earthlings and happy space day.

Captain ed mcgovern broadcasting live from the international

space station, to 5,000 k through 8 science classrooms

across the U.S.A.

I'm joined by lieutenant sussman and Becker.

Hi.

Hey!

There's also some Russian cosmonauts on board.

Party up here.

Let's get back to work.

Get back to work, bums.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

I can't wait to answer some of your questions about space and

science.

Let's start with Paulson middle skoo in Connecticut.

Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?

Great question.

We are actually studying how animals adapt to space and have

funny monkeys out here to help us out.

Thank you for your question, star student.

Oh, next -- okay, god, mother of -- oh, what happened?

Sorry about that.

What happened?

There was an airlock breach in the biolab.

Got a little chilly in there but everything is okay now.

Are the animals all right?

What's up?

Are the animals all right?

I need you right now.

Yep.

Well, I Apollo-gise about that.

Let's get back to questions.

How about tillman middle school in laramie, Wyoming.

Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like eminem's daughter.

Um, how big is the space station?

That's a great question.

It's about 32,000 square feet.

Now, down this way there is a long corridor that wiepds into

several work and living stations.

Kind of like a floating hamster habitat.

Thanks, Haley, make sure you comet to your studies.

Okay, let's go to orchard middle school in Ohio.

Hi, my students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up

there but we'd like to change our question to,

is that frozen monkey okay?

What monkey?

Oh.

Oh!

This little guy, it's capooka.

What are you doing?

Yikes, he is cold!

Wave hello, to everybody.

Hang on -- oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, god!

No, no, no, no.

Okay, good-bye, capooka!

Teachers out there, if you can mute your classroom TV for just

a sec while I attend to some space business,

that would be great.

So hit mute now.

Sussman, what's going on with the monkeys?

They all froze.

They all froze?

They all froze?

Yeah, ki chi hit a wall and shattered.

Oh, ki chi and the cat?

The cat is weird, the pressure change like caused its face to

suck into itself.

It's really weird good news, he's alive.

That's not good news!

There's a cat with no face floating around!

How bad is it down there?

Come look.

Cat ain't have no damn face.

What do you want me to do?

Just go seal off node four.

And find Svetlana.

Yes, sir.

Oh, god!

Please be aware of your feet.

Shoes touched my mouth.

Okay.

Welcome back.

Now, here's a fun fact.

We are 234 miles above the earth's surface.

And the view isn't half bad.

Come closer here.

Let's take a look at that beautiful blue marble.

Look at that.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Svetlana!

Oh, kids, don't worry.

Don't worry.

That cosmonaut is fine.

The Russians are used to being cold.

Sussman, get on the crane.

Oh, my god.

She's so frozen, she might break.

Don't say, that please!

Now, kids, what lieutenant sussman is trying to do -- He's

trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.

Oh, man!

Sir, if I do get her, it's going to be in pieces.

Try harder, and don't say that, please.

I'm sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space.

Okay.

Okay.

Who wants to hear a space joke?

What is an astronaut's favorite drink?

A root beer float!

Oh, my god, she's breaking like a saltine!

Will you cut the god damn feed!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ella mai.

feelings so deep in my feelings no,

this ain't really like me can't control my anxiety feeling,

like I'm touching the ceiling when I'm with you I can't

breathe boy, you do something to me now I'll never get over you

until I find something new that get me high like you do yeah

yeah now I'll never get over you until I find something new that

get me high like you do listen my to heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just won't stop it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just won't stop,

it go how many ways can I say that I need you baby it's true I

think I might die without you feeling all over my body you

know how I like it ain't gotta tell you what to do,

yeah yeah now I'll never get over you until I find something

new that get me high like you do,

yeah yeah now I'll never get over you until I find something

new that get me high like you do listen my to heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just won't stop, it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just won't stop,

it go head over heels in love right in front of you ain't

gotta look no more baby I wanna build this love and everything

you want you ain't gotta ask for you got me boo'd up,

boo'd up told you from the jump I'm the one to choose got me

boo'd up, boo'd up grab me by the waist baby pull me closer

now I'll never get over until I find something new that

get me high like you do, yeah yeah now I'll never get over you

until I find something new that get me high like you do listen

my to heart go ba-dum, boo'd up biddy-da-dum,

boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just won't stop, it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up hear my heart go ba-dum boo'd up

biddy-da-dum it just won't stop, it go It's "weekend update" with

Colin jost and Michael che.

What's up, everyone?

Welcome to "weekend update." I'm Colin jost.

And I'm Michael che.

Amazon has announced it will be opening its second headquarters

in queens, new York, and Arlington, Virginia,

after it accidently left both cities in its cart.

A lot of new yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will

have on queens, but I'm more worried about the impact queens

will have on Amazon.

By the way, only new yorkers could complain about getting

25,000 new jobs.

All of the cities who lost out must have been like "shut up you

whiny bitches." We're complaining about winning the

lottery, meanwhile in like, wheeling, West Virginia,

they're like, "okay.

Well, back to the mines." I know it's going to raise housing

prices in queens but it's a little late for new yorkers to

complain about rent.

Even Amazon had to move to queens because it couldn't

afford to live in Manhattan.

Election officials in Florida said the ballot machines in

Florida overheated accounting for miscounts.

Word, they overheated in 2018.

I have a watch that counts every step I take and let's me watch

porno on the treadmill for motivation but your voting

machines can't handle a little recount?

How come the IRS doesn't have these problems?

I would love to hear we didn't count your taxes this year

because our abacus is busted again.

They make it so simple to pay taxes but to vote we have to

line up on a Tuesday in November like geerting meat rations in

the 1930s.

A county in Florida became the first local government in the

state's history to elect an all-lgbtq government.

For more on this story, bring it up to your grandpa at

Thanksgiving.

On Friday President Trump held the presidential medal of

freedom ceremony and gave one to babe Ruth,

because he knew that no living baseball player would actually

show up.

Whose side are you on?

Babe Ruth's?

President Trump announced that Republicans and democrats have

agreed on a criminal justice reform bill.

You know, you can always tell who a politician is conning by

which minorities are standing behind them.

As soon as I saw the black dudes there,

I was like this is going to be about prison.

Anyway, this prison reform is actually a good thing,

which is confusing because it's coming from Donald Trump,

you know, Mr. Lock her up.

Mr. Drug dealers should get the death penalty.

In execute the central park five.

Now all of a sudden he's Johnnie Cochran somehow.

I know this is a good thing but this is coming from a bad place.

Like when you buy baby clothes from a crackhead.

It's a good deal but at the same time you're like,

but this dude sells close for a baby?

Six weeks before the wikileaks before Hillary Clinton's

campaign, this man who I believe runs a carnival, Roger stone,

received a text that Hillary Clinton's campaign is going to

die this week, although the actual moment her campaign died

is when she said this -- pokemon go to the polls!

I don't know.

I bet Trump is hoping she will peek-a-choose to run again.

Peek-a-choose to run again.

One of the strangest stories is that Denver riggleman admitted

to being a devote heee of big foot erotica.

This is an actual picture he posted on Instagram.

Here to clear things up is congressman Denver riggleman.

Thank you, thank you, Michael.

As I said 500 times before, that picture was a joke between buds

and I'm not that stuff.

Okay, but in the caption you said that was cover art for a

book you were writing.

Did you write a big foot porn?

Okay, so porn is a cheap thrill, Michael.

I write as a joke big foot erotica,

where the sexual scenes come out of story and character,

and the sex is earned, and therefore hotter.

And if you have read my forbidden forest trilogy,

you would know that.

But you -- you wrote three -- you wrote three big foot porn

books as a joke?

Yes, as I joke!

And it's not porn, okay, it's a story about the love affair

between wildlife photographer Stephanie Knox and a sasquatch

as pursued by billionaire trophy hunter Jake Blakely.

I mean, come on now, does this sound like I'm being serious?

Okay.

As Stephanie knocks, bathed in the forest stream,

the moonlight bounced off her pert breasts and firm rear end.

You're going to like this coming up.

Went on the shore she caught sight of an enormous creature

watching her.

He was not quite human.

Damn straight.

But not quite not either.

Though fear flashed across her face but between her legs she

felt a familiar churning, the faint, throb, itch of desire.

Mine, come on, that's such a joke, man!

It's so hot.

I don't know, man.

It doesn't really sound like a joke.

Okay, whatever.

But listen to this.

As the sasquatch rled off Stephanie, exhausted,

he could tell he was embarrassed for not satisfying her.

No, no shame -- she whispered.

I teach you.

Oh, che, this is amazing.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, man.

Sorry.

He grunted back -- >> hold on.

You invented a whole sasquatch language?

As a joke!

Shh, be quiet, here it comes, man.

All right.

The passion was so loud, neither could hear the faint helicopter

blades bleeding over the treeline.

Jake Blakely had picked up their trail.

I hate Jake Blakely.

You read this?

As a joke!

Thank you!

Denver riggleman, everybody.

Thank you, as a joke, as a joke, man.

As a joke.

As a joke.

Post cereal has announced they will be making a new sour patch

kids flavored cereal.

It's a great way to start the morning off on the right foot

because the left foot was taken by diabetes.

Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they

saw an unidentified flying object.

But keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a

breathalyzer.

A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling

Ruby chocolates and they're gonna get sued because Ruby

chocolate is my drag name.

Walt Disney world removed a man from the park as he waved a

Trump 2020 danner on splash mountain.

The man also demanded to separate it's a small world kids

from their families.

And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through

epcot's Mexico pavilion.

The annual New York City taxi calendar has been released

featuring pictures of topless cab drivers.

While a calendar of uber drivers is available on the sex offender

registry.

A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns

carrying their baby's embryo in their wombs.

It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn't have to

give birth.

British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,

000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter's candy.

Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter

is still trick-or-treating.

The NBA season is one month old, and one of the biggest old,

and one of the biggest stories is the Los Angeles Lakers,

who are off to a slow start.

Here to talk about it is father of Lakers point guard lonzo

ball, lavar ball.

What's up Michael?

How are you doing, Michael?

I'm incredible.

You've been outspoken about your son lonzo playing more minutes.

How is he doing?

Amazing!

He acht no rookie no more.

Now it's his time, he's the king of L.A., standing reservations

at spago.

Best friends with Jack nicholason,

and he was just named the new starlet at the adult video

awards.

You know, a lot of people say LeBron James thinks you're a

distraction and doesn't want you around the team.

Don't you tell me about LeBron James!

Me and LeBron are best friends, bffs, picnics in the park,

always on Sundays and always from a respectable 500 feet

away.

Would I never violate the restraining order,

never with the violations.

Even with LeBron, the Lakers are still off to a slow start.

Do you think they need maybe more experience?

Hell no!

What they need is a great coach, and I've got the perfect choice,

me!

You?

That's right.

I would be an incredible coach, man.

The first thing I'm going do is make some personnel changes.

We're going to be unstoppable with the starting lineup of

LeBron, my older son lonzo, my middle boy liangelo,

my youngest lamelo, and more son,

who was recently rescued from the matrix, lemorphous.

Now, your actual sons liangelo and lamelo just spent a year

playing in Lithuania on a team you created.

You're damn right, big baller league.

How did they handle it?

What, how did they hand tell?

They loved it.

They could be rich teenagers in L.A.

but instead they were in the lovely town of villous,

living the big baller lifestyle.

Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi for lunch and for dinner,

the burneyest cabbage this side of Bucharest.

It will run right through you like the river.

That sounds rough, man.

Are you jealous?

We ball out every day.

We signed a lucrative deal with the biggest gamer in all of ¦

Lithuania, PlayStation 2.

And the balls just had their grand finale game against the

London lions in britain's number one sports venue -- Wembley

stadium?

No, the cover box arena in stratford.

This week, basketball.

Next week, a production of "sweeney Todd." That was a long

way from coaching the Lakers.

How dare you?

My son owns that team.

He owns the city.

And he also owns the patent to the only sneaker that tracks

your genealogy.

Introducing the 23s.

Track your genealogy, how do they even work?

Easy.

Just fill it up with spit and in five to eight weeks tells you

your heritage with 5 to 18% accuracy.

Never really sure.

Never really sure.

Wow, girls, can you believe it, we're juniors now.

1968 here we come.

Wow, sounds fun.

What's gotten into you?

Ever since I dropped out of high school,

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I had a guardian angel to guide me.

Oh, gosh, that sounds hard.

But I want to go to sleep now.

Good night.

Good night.

Typical Sammy.

Lost as usual.

hey, what was that?

Your story's sad to tell a teenage ne'er do well most

mixed-up, nondelinquent on the block Oh, wow.

your future's so unclear now what's left of your career now

can't even get a trade-in on your smile hi, there, Sammy.

Heard you were in need of assistance.

Becky, Becky, wake up.

Is that who I think it is?

What?

No way!

Dropped out of high school no graduation day for you Is that

my dad?

Dad!

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Becky.

Oh, my god.

Oh, okay, I thought so.

That is your dad.

Sweetheart, this is a surprise.

Yeah, well, where the hell have you been?

We haven't heard from you in like six weeks.

Mom misses you so much.

Honey, I -- I'm doing singing now.

And giving teenage girls great advice.

What?

You never gave me advice.

You just told me to can it, and then you would go water the lawn

and smoke cigarettes.

Becky, I don't know what to tell you.

Life's a roller coaster.

Ew.

Did you get a perm?

Can we talk about this later?

Right now Sammy needs me.

Excuse me.

La la la la baby don't worry Ew, don't call her baby, Jesus!

Good lord, she's 15.

Do-dah woo-dah doo-dah damn it, Becky, come on, I lost my place.

Now I look stupid in front of this dropout.

Hey!

I'm all flustered, Becky.

Can you leave my eyeline, please?

No, dad, this is really bad.

It's not.

It's good.

I'm cool now.

I have a great voice.

I'm the best thing that's ever happened to these teens.

Oh, no, dad, you're a junior insurance salesman.

No, no, no!

I am a hunky angel, damn it!

What's happening?

I guess my dumb-ass dad tried to sing at Sammy and it sucks.

Oh, yeah?

Does this sound like a dumb-ass that sucks?

La la la la la la la la la no you bangs are curled your lashes

twirled but still the world is cruel oh, god,

what a small man you are.

Who the hell are these women?

These are nice ladies that I have met.

That is such a bad answer.

Becky, I'm sorry if I like summoned him.

I'm just going to go back to school.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on.

You have to let me sing and then you can say that.

I'm the angel here.

Oh, god, this is a loser's fantasy.

I'm calling mom.

No, no.

Becky, sweetheart, don't do that.

Please.

We can reach an understanding, right?

What do you want $40, cigarettes?

I have a gun in my car.

Would you like that?

Oh, my god, why do you have a gun?

To protect these women!

Now, please let me do the finale.

Got to be going to that malt shop in the sky Good night,

girls.

See you in your dreams.

And oh, Sammy -- go back to high school Well,

good to see you too, dad.

Once again, Ella mai.

oooh, yeah, yeah I put my feelings on safety so I don't go

shooting where your heart be 'cause you take the bullet tryna

save me then I'm left to deal with makin' you bleed and that's

a whole lotta love, ain't tryna waste it like we be running 'em

out and never make it that's just too bitter for words don't

wanna taste it that's just too bitter for words don't wanna

face it I think that I'm done tripping that's how I control

this feelin' you keep givin' keep on hittin' it ooh,

oh maybe it's your love it's too good to be true baby boy,

your love got me trippin' on you you know your love is big enough

make me trip up on you yeah, it's big enough got me trippin'

on you trip-trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you boy, you know we're cool and now

you're waitin' but I act a fool when I don't get it and I'm

steady bruisin' just to save this but I tripped on your love

now I'm addicted and that's a whole lotta love ain't tryna

waste it like we be runnin' 'em out and never make it that's

just too bitter for words don't wanna taste it that's just too

bitter for words don't wanna face it I think that I'm done

trippin' I've been sippin' that's how I control this

feelin' you keep givin' you keep on hittin' it maybe it's your

love it's too good to be true baby boy,

your love got me trippin' on you you know your love is big enough

make me trip up on you yeah, it's big enough got me trippin'

on you trip-trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you trippin' on you that's some kind

of love baby trip, trip that's the type of love make trip,

trip trippin' on you it's big enough make me trip,

trip it's big enough got me trip,

trip tripping on you I'm done trippin' I'm trip-trippin' I've

been sippin' that's how I control this feelin' you keep

givin' you keep on hittin' it maybe it's your love it's too

good to be true baby boy, your love got me trippin' on you you

know your love is big enough make me trip up on you yeah,

it's big enough got me trippin' on you trip-trippin' on you my

bad, my bad for trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you honey,

I just heard the kids pull up.

Hey, my babies!

Oh, there they are!

You found us!

Dad.

How are you?

Good to see you.

How are you?

Wow!

Wow, mom and dad.

Wow, you weren't kidding.

This is definitely an rv.

Yeah, yeah.

They're also so similar.

We found you by your license plate, ex-banker.

Yeah, ex-banker.

Ex-interior designer.

Current rvers.

Hard to believe.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Six months ago, I came home and I told your mom,

I don't want to work anymore and she said okay.

You were cool with that, mom?

Oh, yeah, I love it.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it's so freeing to purge your possessions.

You know, it just feels great.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just -- I love it.

I really, really do.

Yeah.

You know, it's so freeing to purge your possessions.

I mean, we went from a 3,000 square foot home to basically a

room on top of a car.

Freedom.

I love it.

She loves it.

She loves it almost so much I forget whose idea it was.

It was yours.

Yeah, daddy.

You really look like you're in your element.

Oh, I sure am.

You know what?

I jogged butt naked around the lake this morning.

Just socks, sneakers and the wind on my sack.

Real man fun.

And you're having fun, mom?

Uh-huh.

I love it.

Mom, can you -- can you look at us when you say that?

I love it.

Can you open your eyes when you say it?

I love it.

I just love sitting back here.

Oh, you don't sit up front?

No, no, no.

That's where lady gray sits.

Who is lady gray?

Well, the love of our life.

Our great Dane, lady gray.

Come on in here, lady gray!

Oh!

That's a good girl.

Yeah.

Lady gray sits up front because she gets carsick back here.

I get carsick too, but I love it.

Come here, lady gray!

Hi, girl.

Hi!

Did you know a dog can punch you?

Where does the dog sleep?

Oh, in your mom's bed.

Yeah, and I sleep like this.

Okay.

So, where did you get a great Dane?

From our new rv friend, jibs.

I'm coming.

Oh, there she is.

Whoa.

Did you call me?

We said your name, so yeah.

Yeah, jibs here showed us how to work the dump station.

Well, let's just say I'm well versed.

I showed my little Robin egg here how to take the cupper hose

from the rv dump tank to the vice clamp and the community

receptor tank.

.

well, your mom does that stuff.

She likes it.

It's the only thing I really don't like.

I don't think mom likes any of this.

Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.

I love it.

I don't think you do.

Oh, she does love it, right, honey?

Yeah, I love it!

I love it!

Honey look at me in the face.

Honey, I love it.

Look, look at me in the eyes.

This is hell!

You're awful!

And I hate it!

I couldn't hate it more.

It's horrible.

It's horrible!

What are you trying to say?

I don't love any of it.

Is this a bad time to tell you all lady gray is pregnant will

the aliens be joining us for our Thanksgiving feast?

Oh, you mean the klergs, yeah.

Good, I look forward to trying some of the local produce here

on argostein.

I love exotic foods.

Oh, look, it's the klergs.

Greetings, people of earth.

I am ruler ta, short for tank.

Father, should I offer them the kern?

Yes, tutrisha, offer them other kern.

Kern, what is kern?

Oh, it looks like out corn but it's purple.

Yes, our kern is much like your corn.

It has lots of tiny, delicious cornels on it.

Oh, you mean kernels?

No, your corn has kernels but our kern has cornels.

What a small, fascinating universe.

It is customary for visitors to partake of our kern.

It's for good fortune.

I guess this is the famous klerg hospitality we've heard so much

about.

I can't wait to enjoy the tasty cornels of kern.

No, don't eat me!

This hurts me!

Is this kern talking?

Well, of course kern talks and screams and that sort of thing.

It's delicious.

Is the kern alive right now?

No, these are just the kern sounds,

the sound the kern makes.

This kern is so good, y'all!

Ow, my body!

Please.

Please stop eating me!

Linda, stop eating the kern.

Just one more bite.

Lady, my body, my body!

Stop eating my body!

Linda, it maying conscience!

I'm sorry, it reminds me of my earth logistics.

Techniques of eating corn on the cob.

You mean kern on the curb?

I want to try to communicate with it.

Why?

It has no ears to hear.

Kern is to be eaten, not listened to.

Please, let me try.

Hello, can you hear me?

We are from earth.

We mean you no harm.

Excuse me, ta, I need to speak to my crew.

Ta said it's customary to eat the kern from the klergs.

For good fortune.

What a perfect scheme.

But actually, we're helping the klergs wipe out the kern.

Follow me lead.

I have a plan.

Ruler tay.

More kern, captain?

No, tay.

No more kern.

This stops today.

Corporal, guard the kern!

No, return our kerns!

I don't think so, tay.

Captain, this kern is delicious!

It's good, right?

Yeah, it's good!

Let's all eat!

Everyone, let's eat the kern!

You will reach your destination in six hours.

This is the worst, miles of gray highway with this monoton lady

giving directions.

How about we switch modes on the GPS.

Switch modes/.

Yeah, look, there's American male, American female,

and this one -- drag entertainer.

Well, that sounds unusual and fun.

Yes, queen, I'm gagging on this scenic byway I'm giving you.

Introducing cp-ya, with the popularity of rupaul's drag

race, charmin has extended our voice options to include drag

entertainer.

Let's gp-ya turn your unstimulating trip into a

sickening one.

Look, honey, the icons for the car is a glamour link

fingernail.

Entering school zone!

Bitch, slow your ass down so you don't squash a child flat like a

squirrel.

Even the warnings are enjoyable.

I can't see the map, but I don't care.

Gp-ya keeps updated on traffic alerts and disaster areas.

Disaster area up ahead!

It's a damn Van.

Oh, honey, I think you missed the exit.

Turn around.

Turn around!

You go, girl.

What did I say?

You arrived!

Just make it fun and free you're gonna live forever follow me to

the ends of the earth we're going it together yes,

yes Gp-yasss, sold in any town where there's still a circuit

city.