Original subtitles

We're approaching

insertion target area,

about a mile from your D.Z.

You ready, wd-40?

I never felt more ready

in my life.

Oh, damn! What the hell...

Steele, are you crazy?

Good afternoon, wd-40.

We now begin "the free world's"

"in double jeopardy" round

of your mission.

- He's a sadistic

criminal mastermind

and international arms dealer

who has brokered a deal

- to sell a stolen - scorpion missile

to a middle eastern

terrorist cell.

The question is:

Who is Rancor?

That's right.

General Derwood Rancor.

- So why don't you - begin your mission.

And good luck to you, wd-40.

- And don't forget, wd-40, - as always,

this tape will self-destruct

in three seconds.

- Steele!

General Rancor,

your chopper's waiting.

Fine. Be there in a minute.

I ain't done with this one yet.

- Talk to me, boy!

He doesn't want to talk.

Take him outside and shoot him.

And when you shoot him,

use the silencer.

Thank you.

Have a nice flight.

Have a great flight.

- Enjoy destroying

the world, sir.

- Thank you, ma'am, I will.

I'm going in there.

My God!

Look at you.

- You are such

an incredible man.

It's my job, darling.

I do it for my country.

Hmm? Oh. Good luck.

Luck's got nothing

to do with it.

- Nothing can stop me now!

Not even that sanctimonious

secret agent boy scout Dick...

Yoo-hoo!

Steele?

- Oh, Dick, don't drop me!

- Hold on! Whoa! Don't!

- Grab my wrist!

- Oh!

Whoa!

- Don't drop me, Dick!

Don't drop me!

- Honey?

♪

♪ A man of intrigue

he lives for the thrill ♪

♪ always has places to go

and people to kill ♪

♪ danger is the game

he plays ♪

♪ and he holds every card ♪

♪ 'cause if you wanna win ♪

♪ you gotta spy hard ♪

♪ a man of the world

so suave and discreet ♪

♪ he trips over the women

piled up at his feet ♪

♪ but evil's lurking ♪

♪ so he's always

on his guard ♪

♪ 'cause if you're

gonna spy ♪

♪ you better spy hard ♪

♪ he's always there ♪

♪ when the chips

are beginning to fall ♪

♪ he wouldn't care ♪

♪ if they kicked him

and grabbed him ♪

♪ and shot him

and stabbed him ♪

♪ and nailed both his ears

to the wall ♪

♪ facing death every day ♪

♪ is a tough job

for any man ♪

♪ but his hours

are flexible ♪

♪ and he's got

a great dental plan ♪

♪ by the way

if you walked in late ♪

♪ allow me to reiterate ♪

♪ the name of this movie ♪

♪ is spy hard ♪

♪ they call it spy hard ♪

♪ you're watching spy hard ♪

♪ it's the theme

from spy hard ♪

♪

♪ [ Continues holding

[ Squawking continues,

Sir, I hate to disturb you,

- but we're picking up something - interesting on the compound

- infrared detection system. - - Well, what is it?

Oh, it's this really neat

security system, sir.

It picks up the body heat

on the intruders...

Fine! What is it detecting?

Oh, well, it looks like

agent Barbara Dahl, sir.

Barbara Dahl?

Hot damn!

At last!

Arm me.

Yeah.

Now, bring me the bait.

Welcome, miss Dahl.

General Rancor would

like to see you.

Don't even think about it!

Put the gun down!

Move. Don't try

anything funny.

- Oh, you morons!

Let go!

Oh! Oh!

- Well, look at you.

Barbara Dahl.

If you ain't the spitting image

of your mama.

Don't you talk about my mother,

you hybrid curiosity.

- My mother was twice

the man you are.

Hey, lady,

I think you're carrying

this "spitting image" thing

a little bit too far.

Now that I got Barbara Dahl,

it's just a matter of time

before Dick Steele

comes to get her.

Have you confirmed

this transmission?

I have. It's confirmed.

It's Barbara Dahl.

Who authorized

agent Barbara Dahl to go

on this operation anyway?

No one.

She's working on her own.

This one is personal,

Coleman.

Well, this personal mission may

have cost a good agent her life,

- and put the entire free world - in jeopardy.

- We must inform the director.

This is the director.

What is it, Coleman and bishop?

Sir, we've intercepted

a very disturbing

satellite transmission

from our listening post

on the rock of Gibraltar.

- Well, what is it?

- It's this really big rock

sticking out of the water

on the south coast of Spain.

What is the transmission?

You will have to see it

to believe it, sir.

- You've got to put it

on channel three.

- No, four.

- Switch it to vhs.

- And take it off of cable.

Put it on the monitor.

And now this special message

from Rancor industries.

- She makes a pretty - hood ornament, don't you think?

- Rancor!

- Yes, it is I,

good ol' general Rancor.

I'm back, big as life

and twice as ugly.

- But Steele blew him up!

- Apparently not.

You did everything

except eat me,

and I'm still alive.

All Steele did was blow off

a couple of arms.

That's no biggie,

no big thing.

Now I got plenty of arms!

- Big arms. Pretty arms.

I got arms up the wazoo.

Now let me show you something.

Your pretty little agent

is now part

of the nose cone

on top of my missile.

This missile will be launched

in 36 hours,

- and nothing will stop me!

- He's a madman!

Only thing is,

I'm missing one little chip

that controls my satellite,

and, daggone, I want it back!

Now you hand me my chip,

and I'll give you back

your agent.

Good God.

He must be stopped!

Dick Steele couldn't

stop me 15 years ago,

and all the Dicks you've got

won't stop me now!

Apparently,

he hasn't seen the size

of some of our newer members!

♪

- With the chip,

he rules the world.

♪

- Without the chip,

he destroys the world and...

♪

- Would you practice someplace

else? I'm trying to think!

♪

- The world? Ha!

We all know what

general Rancor really wants.

- Steele.

- That's right!

- And we're going

to give Steele to him.

- Steele?

- Have you forgotten - what happened

the last time Steele was placed

in the line of fire?

♪

- ♪

- [ Crowd cheering,

♪

- ♪

We are stopping here.

- Traveller - wants to mingle with the crowd.

♪

Oh! Oh, my God! Steele,

what the hell are you doing?

Get off me!

Get him in there! Get him

in the limo! Cover him!

Go, go, go! Go! Go, go!

The bridge is out.

Do not enter.

The bridge is out.

The bridge is out, damn it!

Stop this car!

Stay away

from the window, sir.

Steele, do something!

Good job, Steele!

Thanks!

It's about time that jerk

did something right.

Hang on, Mr. president!

The bridge is out.

Do not enter.

Thank God our president

was one hell of a good swimmer.

Nonetheless...

There's only one man

for this operation.

Agent wd-40.

Steele.

Dick Steele.

Dick, Dick, Dick Steele.

Dick.

Oh, Dick, that was incredible.

- Thank you.

Don't thank me, darling.

The art of lovemaking

takes two.

Sometimes three or four,

depending on how well

you do at the crap tables.

- Fore!

- Well, my putter's up.

- Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.

- You are insatiable.

- Fifteen minutes

to tee-off time.

I think there's something

you and I should talk about

openly and honestly

before I head off

to my golf game.

- What is it, Dick?

- It's a game.

People dress funny.

Hit a little ball with clubs.

Drinking is involved.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Whatever we've had

between us,

I think it's only fair

that you know my heart

still belongs

to the girl I fell

in love with years ago.

Victoria.

She fell off a cliff.

- She died.

- Yes, I know.

I was just getting to that.

But after Victoria Dahl,

well, I don't think

I'll ever find room

for another woman in this

ripped-apart, torn-up,

scarred, burned-out

lump in my chest

where a human heart

once beat.

I hope you understand

what I'm trying to say to you.

Oh, I'll live, Mr. Steele.

It's your life

I'm worried about.

I'm glad you understand.

- I know how much

these things can hurt.

Mr. Steele.

Hi, Dick.

- Hi, Mr. Steele!

- Good morning,

Mrs. Hudmucker.

- Fore!

- Watch out.

- You all right?

- Thank you.

A little help, please?

Thank you.

Dinatelli foursome

to starter's window.

Mr. Jack Dinatelli.

Duck!

- Dick, wait!

- Well, Steve!

- Steve bishop. - You look great.

- Thank you. - We go back a long way, huh?

Yeah.

- Let's have a drink.

- Okay.

Just sit right there, Steve.

- The usual, Mr. Steele?

- You betcha.

- Well, how's everything

at the agency?

- Ah, Dick...

It used to be such fun

killin' a few spies

with gas

from a banana grenade.

But now, huh, it's all

bureaucratic politics.

You gotta fill out 20 forms

in triplicate

just to take a piss!

[ Grunts,

[ Both grunting, groaning,

[ Coins jingling on floor,

- Boy, that was fun.

- Yeah.

- Thank you!

Oh, man, they don't

do stuff like that

at the agency anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that,

Steve.

- Uh, Dickie...

There is something.

- Relax, sugar.

Steve,

I'm out of the service.

There's a plot

to launch a satellite.

- Now, I'm out of the service.

Talk about something else.

- Bishop.

- Bishop here.

- Got a new lead. - Gonna need you here. - Uh-huh. Yeah.

And get a dozen eggs

and a gallon of milk.

- I'll leave right away.

- Thank you, sir.

No more headsets.

Ear buttons.

They put the receiver

right in your head now.

I gotta get back

to the hotel.

- The director wants

you to see this.

- I'm not interested, Steve.

Please, Dickie.

Take a look at the tape.

It'll change your mind.

♪

♪

♪

Hmm-hmm.

♪

♪

She makes a pretty hood

ornament, don't you think?

Yes, it is I,

good ol' general Rancor.

I'm back, big as life

and twice as ugly.

- All Steele did was blow off

a couple of arms.

- Rancor!

That's no biggie, no big thing.

Now I got plenty of arms.

He can't be alive.

- Your pretty Barbara Dahl...

- My God!

Barbara Dahl.

Victoria.

Why would your daughter

join the agency,

knowing what happened to you?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why, why?

Victoria Dahl...

You were the only woman

I ever loved.

♪ Raindrops keep fallin'

on my head ♪

♪ and just like the guy

whose feet are too big

for his bed ♪

- ♪ nothin' seems to fit ♪

♪ Those raindrops

are fallin' on my head

they keep fallin' ♪

♪ so I just did me

some talkin' to the sun ♪

♪ and I said I didn't like

the way he got things done ♪

♪ sleepin' on the job ♪

- ♪ those raindrops are fallin' - on my head ♪

♪ They keep fallin'

but there's one thing ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ the blues they sent

to meet me ♪

♪ won't defeat me ♪

♪ it won't be long

'til happiness ♪

♪ steps up to greet me ♪

[ Victoria screaming,

♪ Raindrops keep fallin'

on my head ♪

♪ but that doesn't mean my eyes

will soon be turnin' red ♪

For today's top story, we now

join Kelly Lange live downtown.

Kelly Lange here

for channel 3 island news.

A tragic accident has claimed

the life of a businessman

identified as Steven bishop,

when a huge grand piano

fell from the 17th floor

of the Mayan hotel

directly behind me

and landed on his car.

- An accident?

- It seems the man was...

- Having a kid at 60,

that's an accident.

Having a piano fall on you,

that's... bad luck.

We're told that they

had to remove the driver's body

from the oil pan of the car.

Police are ruling this

as an accident.

Operator.

Operator, get me Washington.

- George?

- D.C.

I'll take care of the luggage,

just some overnight things.

The white zone...

[ Brakes screeching,

- Bonjour, monsieur.

- ...no parking.

Do not leave

your baggage unattended.

It looks like

you could use a hand.

I'm afraid I'm pretty clumsy.

- You must be headed

to Los Angeles.

- How do you know that?

- It's written

on your ticket.

- Oh! Thank you.

You are welcome.

Have a nice flight,

and I wish you adieu.

Oh, thank you,

but I'm quite satisfied

with the 'do I have.

If you want to see me again,

turn around now.

Aha.

It's right here on the aisle.

No, no, no.

I asked for a window seat.

I can't be getting up and down

just because somebody wants

to be getting in and out.

I have too much to do.

I always have a window seat.

Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering, do you mind?

No problem.

Please, be my guest.

Actually,

I prefer an aisle seat.

Be my guest.

Here, let me help you

with these.

I hope that this will be

the last of the conversations

on this trip.

Your ticket.

[ Cat yowling,

- Take it easy - with that luggage!

[ Shattering,

Excuse me, sir. Could you

put your tray table up

for takeoff, please?

No, the tray table

stays down, please.

Thank you very much.

You've made things

inconvenient enough as it is.

- What... what is this?

- Is this yours? - Do you mind?

It's my briefcase.

Let me make more room for you.

Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

Please.

Thank you.

Do you always take matters

into your own hands?

Things often end up

in my hands.

And I bet your hands

end up in a lot of things.

Let's just say,

my hands and things

are often in the same place

at the same time.

Could I get you

something to drink?

We'll have dry

Minoli and Russos,

on the rocks,

- stirred, not beaten, - twist of lemon,

in chilled glasses,

not frozen.

And two of those

curly little straws.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes

and 10 seconds.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes

and 8 seconds.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes

and 5 seconds.

Miss Cheevus, when agent Steele

arrives, send him right in.

Mm-hmm.

Miss Cheevus,

is the director available?

No, he's married.

- Oh, you kidder.

Miss Cheevus,

you wouldn't be trying

to make things hard for me?

Oh, Dick,

if only I could.

But you know you and I

would work so well together

deep undercover.

You know the agency's

rules about secrecy.

They're very... rigid.

- Yes, and we wouldn't want

to blow it, would we?

Why don't you two just

get a motel room?

I need you

in here now, Steele!

Miss Cheevus,

wasn't the director

in the office here?

He just buzzed me from in

there, my little pumpy-whumpy.

I'll just sit down

and wait for him.

Great Scott!

Steele, see a doctor!

- Good show, Steele.

I hid for two weeks

from my ex-wife's attorney

in this outfit.

It's good to see you, wd-40.

- You were always - my most noble warrior.

- Glad to find you, sir.

- Yes, yes, well,

we have to find someone else

far more important now.

- You saw the tape with Rancor?

- I can't believe he's alive.

He's a madman.

He wants the world.

But I'll be

perfectly frank, Dick.

He wants you first.

He knew I'd send you

the tape, especially

with Barbara Dahl on it.

Barbara Dahl.

Looks just like Victoria

when she was alive.

We don't have time

for flashbacks.

Rancor wants the world.

Fortunately, he wants

to kill you first.

- That may give us - needed time.

- Barbara Dahl's last transmission - was from Los Angeles.

We couldn't hold the trace

long enough to pinpoint her.

Find her, you find him,

you find the rocket.

For the rest of it,

your guess is as good as mine.

- Miss Cheevus,

tell noggin we're coming.

- Hello, noggin.

- Steele.

It's good to see you again.

- Oh, do you have a refill of - that deathray laser watch?

- Ah, a new air freshener?

- Careful!

♪ Whoo-hoo

oooh ♪

- Not again. Oh!

Give me!

Well, this looks like

a clever contraption.

A mini...

A mini mobile crime lab?

- It's a briefcase.

- I know. What does it do?

It holds important papers,

files, pens and a calculator.

I understand, but these

numbers here, are they

in a certain sequence?

The briefcase

is timed to explode?

No, it's a lock

so people other than myself

can't open my briefcase.

Very complex

contemporary technology.

- All right, Steele, this is - your standard, state-of-the-art

g-7 field kit with

three additions.

This is our latest development:

Microchip z-ray lenses,

capable of penetrating

a layer of clothing.

You'll be able to see if

an enemy is carrying a weapon.

Oh. Director?

Oh, now, Steele... should you

find your hands bound,

what you can do is just

reach down and pull this pin

with your teeth.

Put the tube in your mouth,

and squeeze and it will emit

a laser beam powerful enough

to cut steel.

Fire in the hole,

director.

- Huh? Oh.

- Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing.

This micro-detonator

has a built-in timer

set to explode 30 seconds

after you plant it.

It has enough power

to blow up a two-story building,

- so be careful.

- Fantastic.

- All right. Well, - here we go and, uh...

- Oh, the glasses.

- Yeah. Thank you.

Good to see you again,

noggin.

Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Ciudad de Los Angeles.

City of the angels.

¿Donde esta Maria?

Where is Maria?

Maria esta

en la biblioteca.

Maria is

in the library.

- Do you have a lighter?

- I use matches.

Does your mother

know you smoke?

Yes, but I don't inhale.

- Kabul.

- Uh...

I'm Kabul.

Agent wd-40?

- Get in, get in.

In the car.

Hello. Excuse me. Ha!

Our operatives believe

you may already be

in grave danger.

Please take a look at this,

Mr. Steele.

- In that file is a photo - of Desiree more.

She's an expert trained

in karate, kung fu,

and is a crack shot.

Be on your guard.

Rancor may have sent her

to take you out.

She likes easy-listening

and guys who share

their feelings.

Her measurements:

36-24-36-22.

Aye, and for God sakes,

be careful, wd-40.

One time I got two cousins

that got salmonella poisoning

in this hotel.

Ah, sure looked like her.

But you can't be too sure.

Yeah, almost positive.

Mm-hmm.

Drink?

- Only when I'm thirsty.

- Tap water okay?

Poured, not decanted.

Sometimes you see a woman

you'd just love

to have kill ya.

But timing is everything,

so that was not going

to be today.

Says who?

She's pretty smart.

I decided to play it casual.

Casual is overrated.

Oops.

I think the game is over,

Mr. Steele.

You're gonna look like

Swiss cheese when they find you.

Oh.

That's no Gouda.

[ Knocking,

"Coca cabana."

- I'll be back for you.

- Where are you going?

In my country,

we have a saying:

"A man who rides a camel"

is rich,

- but a man who drives

"a Ferrari can get lucky."

[ Tires squealing,

Oh, gee, I am so sorry.

- What's your phone number?

- Loser.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, like, look

at what you've done.

End of the line, pal.

Uh...

Hey, goombah!

- Huh?

Well, well,

if it isn't agent Steele.

Excuse me.

Uh, do you have a light?

Yeah, sure.

I got a light.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Very good.

Well, remind me never

to light your cigarette.

You don't lose guys

like that for long.

Let's get the bus.

We'll be safe there.

- Transfer?

Uh, no, thank you.

- Mmm, nice dress.

Sunset boulevard.

I guess it's sunset boulevard.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Someone on the bus

without a transfer.

He won't pay the fare.

What do you do?

What do you do?

- Stop the bus - and let him off?

Negatory, honcho,

because he cut the brake line.

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

- That was nice. Nicely done.

Thank you. Thank you.

Melrose.

I think.

Well, you must be "fameeshed."

Let's mangez.

That sounds good,

but I'm hungry.

Let's eat first.

♪

- Here you go.

You both enjoy yourselves.

Brian will be right here

to take your drink order.

We shared an airplane,

a drink.

We've been chased,

bussed, seated, but...

I still don't

really know you.

I'm Bud Fudlacker. I have

a small mail-order business.

I travel with

the American gladiators,

I'm 55,

I like small appliances,

- and I do tax accounting - on the side.

Let me guess.

You are Dick Steele,

agent wd-40

with the secret service.

You are 52,

you like big screen TVs,

and you want to stop

general Rancor.

That could describe

a thousand guys.

Tell me about you.

I like loose-fitting clothes,

and I drive a '69 pinto.

Hi, I'm Brian. May I take

your drink orders, please?

- I'll have...

- A dry Minoli and Russo

on the rocks.

Stirred, not beaten.

With a twist.

In a chilled glass,

not frozen.

With two of those

curly little straws.

Be right back.

Tell me, who are you?

Why don't you

use your...

Legendary skills,

and guess?

You carry a UB-21 schnauzer

with a Gnab silencer.

That's K.G.B.

You prefer an H&K over an A.K.

Your surveillance technique

is N.S.A.

Your I.D. Is C.I.A.

You received your ph.D. At NYU.

- Traded in your G.T.O. - For a B.M.W.

You listen to cds

by R.E.M. And S.T.P.

And you'd like

to see J.F.K. In his B.V.D.S,

getting down with O.P.P.

And you probably put the

toilet paper back on the roll

with the paper

on the inside.

Hmm.

Here's to your remarkable

powers of observation,

Mr. Steele.

I am agent 3.14,

Veronique Ukrinsky.

My father

is the professor.

Oh, yes, I know.

The megachip.

When he found out he was

making the chip for Rancor,

and not for the U.S.,

he escaped with it,

and he is in hiding.

In hiding? Where?

He would not take the chance

in telling me where

he was headed,

but he said,

"the pendant..."

Follow the path of your pendant

"to find me."

Hmm... haven't seen

too many like these.

- Pendant. - Pendant.

- Pendant. - Pendant.

- Pendant.

- We don't have

much time, wd-40.

Sooner or later,

Rancor will find him.

I'll order our food to go.

Oh, Dick, I am so worried

about my father.

What shall we do, huh?

What shall we do?

♪

♪ It was a teenage wedding

and the old folks

wished them well ♪

♪ you could see that Pierre

did truly love

the mademoiselle ♪

♪ and now the young monsieur

and madam have rung

the chapel bell ♪

♪ "c'est la vie"

said the old folks ♪

♪ it goes to show

you never can tell ♪

♪

Excuse me. - Do you have reser...

- Steele's here somewhere.

Rancor wants him dead.

Find him.

♪

- Dance time is over. - Cigarettes? Cigars?

- There he goes. Kill him!

- Throwing knife?

Cigarettes? Cigars?

Throwing knife?

Thanks.

Cigarettes?

Cigars?

- Oops.

Why?

Quick. Get this

up against the door.

I got an idea.

This is a picture

of my father.

If we get separated,

find him, save him.

Why?

- Go! Go, go, go!

- Oh, shut up!

- Ow! I came here to dance!

- Ow!

Dick, help me!

I'll kill you!

- Get in this...

- No, let me go!

[ Groaning,

- Okay, let's go!

- Dick, help me!

"Follow the path of your

pendant to find me."

- What is that?

- It's her pendant.

- "Follow the path - of the pendant to find me."

Have you ever seen

anything like that?

- Ah!

- What? What?

No.

Any idea

where it came from?

- Museum of natural history.

- How do you know that?

It says it really small

right there at the bottom.

All right.

Take me to the museum

of natural history.

You know, in my country

we do have a saying...

I'm sure you do.

"The museum"

is closed at 5:00.

You go

"the next morning at 9:00."

- Excuse me, Mr. pushy!

Son of a bitch.

I'm getting sick and tired

of your...

Mm-hmm.

No, he'd never

fit in there.

- Ah. Sir...

I'm sick and tired

of these games.

This is stupid. Stupid.

We're a government agency,

for God sakes.

Huh?

- Aha!

Good God! You're sicker

than I thought!

What is it, Coleman?

I'm busy!

- I, uh, can see that.

- You wouldn't understand.

It's the ancient art

of origatsi.

What I don't understand is

your insistence in keeping

Steele on this assignment!

He still is

no closer to Rancor,

and we have who knows

how little time left before

Rancor launches this satellite.

You better let me take over

this search before I...

Before you what, Coleman?

I don't know whose monkey

you spanked to get this job,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you're a disgrace

to the service.

How dare you!

You and your

one-for-all-and-all-for-one

bleeding heart nonsense!

You're too old

to run this agency!

And since

you won't step down,

you'll, uh, be stepped on!

- Ha! Loser!

What you got?

Is there a jewelry district

in Los Angeles?

- Come on, this is Hollywood. - We have jewelry.

We have women

who are willing to sleep...

- More important, is there

a Russian jewelry section?

- Da.

- Where?

- I don't know.

There used to be a bunch

of Russian jewelers hung out

at the warehouse at, uh...

At 31st and phlegm.

- Ah, damn it!

- Meet me back at the hotel. - We'll split up.

- After you.

- Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Get off!

Whoa! Whoa! Wh-whoa!

[ People in foyer yelling,

Watch it! Watch it!

Whoa.

- Cheerio.

[ Horse snorts,

You're mine,

Steele!

- Whoa!

[ Continues screaming,

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Huh?

Okay, bring it up!

Bring it up! Up, up, up!

Okay, that's where

the sign goes!

Ah, 31st and phlegm.

I'm on the waiting list

for a co-op.

You better get outta here.

I'll see you back

in half an hour.

Oh, half hour?

I can drop off my dog

at the groomer.

[ Car backfires,

- Wha...

- Mr. Steele, I presume?

- Professor...

- Ukrinsky.

With a "y."

Ah. Right.

The pendant.

And I suppose...

- This is - what you need.

And this is?

This is the controller chip

for Rancor's satellite.

Ah, Rancor finally

made his megachip.

- Who'd have thought the fate - of so many human lives

would rely

on something so small?

Well, there's only one thing

to do with this.

- No! No! What are you doing?

Trying to make the world

safe from tyranny.

You mustn't do that!

This can also be used

for world peace!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'd better let me get that

into the proper hands

and get you to safety.

- You found me through - my daughter, the pendant.

- Right.

- Veronique is safe?

Yeah, the Van they

took her in has dual

air bags and seat belts.

- Kabul.

- Nice new wheels, huh?

Yeah, quite an improvement.

In the back, professor.

We have to find a safe place

for the professor.

In my country,

we have saying:

"The rabbit hops,"

the spider crawls,

"but the camel spits."

Let's see

if this charger can run.

[ Starts engine,

Now I don't want you

to be surprised.

This guy's one of our top

agents; He's most capable.

- McCluckey!

- Kabul!

- Come on in.

- All right. Come on.

McCluckey, we need

to hide the professor.

- Professor Ukrinsky,

it's an honor.

- How do you do?

I've read all your work

and your last paper on

laboratory loneliness.

- Superb!

- Well, thank you.

- McCluckey, I'd like you

to meet agent...

- Dick Steele.

Agent wd-40. Good to see you

back in action.

Your video on deception,

is it a woman?

Is the moustache real?

Beautiful work!

- Thank you.

- McCluckey, we need

to hide this guy.

Sure, sure. Come this way.

He'll be safe here.

Do you have a telephone?

Right over there.

- Is it clean?

- I have a woman that

comes in once a week.

- Sir?

- What?

I have Dick "luscious lips"

Steele on the line.

Put him through.

Director, is it safe?

Safe? Just a minute.

I'll use the cloaking device.

Go ahead, Dick.

It's safe.

I have the chip Rancor needs

to launch his satellite.

Good, Dick, good.

Are you coming in?

No, Rancor kidnapped

the professor's daughter.

I've got to find her.

- Yes,

well... good, Dick.

Good luck.

Call me if I can help.

Nineteen hours and 35 minutes.

That Steele's gonna be sorry

his mama ever met his papa.

- We gonna heat up

the fire! Boys!

- They always seem to know - every move we make.

- It's inside. It's got to be - somebody inside leaking.

Well, I'm not leaking.

I can prove it.

- You go ahead,

ask me something.

- What?

- Ask me something. Ask me who's - the director of our agency.

- Who is the director

of our agency?

- I don't know.

You see, I know

who it is, you see?

But I'm not going

to tell you, you see,

because I am no leak.

This place has got to be

a front for Rancor and his men.

- There's one of them now.

Follow him.

Do you have to keep

revving the engine?

Ah, but it's an American V-8.

It's such a beautiful sound.

Oh, Steele, listen to this.

- My cousin's

a recording star.

♪

- Duck!

- Ow!

♪

♪

- Did he see us?

- Shh.

- I'm going in there.

- Okay.

- Give me cover.

- I got to buy

my lottery ticket.

- Rancor's guy is here.

- Right.

♪ That saved a wretch

like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ but now am found ♪

♪ was blind... ♪

- What are you doing here?

- I am... the new choirmaster.

- Where did you come from?

- The humble room.

I was doing refractories.

- "Refractories"?

- A new popal revelate.

Uh, John,

chapter 7, verse 2.

"Popal"?

Uh, sisters.

Michael, chapter 7, verse 2.

"Sing as ye play."

Yea, unto thee

"a voice like a blenth."

And as you approach

the allo tropo, please,

tres mucho

picante abierto.

♪

- ♪ You know you make me

want to shout ♪

♪ kick my heels up and shout

throw my hands up and shout ♪

♪ throw my head back and shout

come on now ♪

♪ don't forget

to say you will ♪

♪

- Are you gentlemen

with Rancor?

- Steele's here somewhere.

- ♪ Sing it right now, baby ♪

- Well, find him!

- ♪ Say you will ♪

- ♪ come on come on ♪

- ♪ say you will ♪

- ♪ say that you will ♪

♪ say that you

love me ♪

♪ say that you need me

say that you want me ♪

- ♪ you want to please me ♪

- ♪ come on now ♪

♪ come on now

come on now ♪

♪ I still remember when

I used to be nine years old ♪

- ♪ hey, yeah

and I was a fool for you ♪

- All right, random inspection.

- ♪ From the bottom of my soul ♪

- Directive 21, psalm 2.

♪ Yeah, yeah

I want you to know ♪

- ♪ I said I want you

to know right now ♪

- Ew!

♪ You been good to me

sisters ♪

♪ much better than

I've been to myself ♪

♪ so good, so good ♪

♪ and if you ever leave me

I don't want nobody else ♪

♪ hey, hey

I said I want you to know ♪

♪ I said I want you

to know right now ♪

- Veronique?

♪

- Dick.

- You all right?

Get out of here.

This is a front for Rancor.

Yes, I know.

I'll... I'll get

out of here, all right.

But you're coming with me.

- Stat! Code yellow! - Code yellow!

- Get me three CCs

of epinephrinox!

- Right away.

- Get me two liters of gasohol

mixed with neonephicine!

- On my way.

- Get the electrostatifyer, now! - I'll warm up - the generator, sister.

She's about to go

into fibrolcanination!

- Prepare the operating room!

- Yes, sister.

I'll get right on it.

♪

For God's sake, can anyone

in this hospital help me?

- ♪ Say it right now, baby ♪

- ♪ come on, come on ♪

- ♪ Say that you will ♪

- ♪ Now wait a minute ♪

Oh. Mm-mm. No.

♪ You know you make me

want to shout ♪

[ Screams,

High blood pressure.

Here. You'll be safe here.

I'll be right back.

[ Veronique gasping,

- Okay, the coast is clear.

Oh, Dick, it's so cold.

What have they done to you?

They'll pay for this.

Oh, Dick...

Move 'em, fat heads!

Sisters, make 'em holy!

Oh, Dick, you came for me.

Tell me,

what's been happening?

Well, I've been doing a lot

of soul-searching, getting

in touch with my inner child.

I have decided I love you.

But what about my father?

Well, I like him; I just

have to get to know him better.

No, is he okay?

Have you got his chip?

Oh, no, he's fine,

and I've got the chip.

- Oh, I love you too.

- Look out, you crazy nun!

Thanks, guys, I stopped you.

You could have been killed!

- Quick, let me help.

You smell nice.

- Where is my father?

Is he safe?

He's safe, Veronique.

Safe as you and me.

- So cute.

- Oh! Oh!

- Safer.

In my country, when an irate,

armless, psychotic weirdo

- chase your woman, - you must hide her.

- Upstairs. - Apartment 5b.

I'll wait downstairs.

I'll keep my eyes open.

I just put in new carpet.

Take your shoes off.

Oh, Dick...

It is so nice to know

that everything

is going to be all right.

You have the chip.

My father is safe.

You love me, Dick.

Love?

Let me tell you

about love, Veronique.

Love is a dew drop

on a rose petal.

- Love is a drop of rain,

pure and shimmering

and trembling.

So moist, so wet.

- And those tiny

little drops of love,

they come together,

gathering up broken buds

and fallen flowers,

and dirt and dung,

- and deer droppings,

Flowing faster and faster,

outward to the sea.

- Onward and onward...

Good night.

We'll talk more

in the morning.

- Hey, hotshots.

- Come and get me.

- Why, you little, no-good

juvenile delinquent!

- Go on! Get him! - Come on!

- Cool.

- Heads up!

- Nice shot.

- I'm going.

- Go on! Go on!

- We got you now!

Where's the professor?

With Gilligan, Dickweed.

[ Glass shatters,

- No!

- This is for

getting even with dad!

- And this is for my girl.

- And this is for my girl 2.

I wasn't even in my girl 2.

We don't care!

We don't care!

- Last time I'm gonna ask you, - smart boy.

Where's the professor?

Okay, okay,

down the hall to the right.

Okay, the left!

Help! Somebody help me!

They're taking us

to kikiree island!

- They've taken him to Rancor!

- They won't kill him...

Not until he's installed

the chip.

Probably not even then.

Maybe just torture him a little.

- - We'll talk about - this on the way.

Let's get to kikiree.

You like this disguise?

It's very good.

I'm proud of this one.

Like this,

I can look like anybody.

- Rancor industries

owns this little island.

The natives say there are

stranger goings-on here

than at neverland

valley ranch.

- Look.

- Uh-huh. It's nice.

- Kabul, stay in the boat.

- Why?

There's a saying

in my country:

"When you hear the words,"

'stay in the boat, '

"you stay in the boat."

- Bye-bye.

Dick, this is crazy.

Crazy? Some people think

walking down the street

- muttering to yourself - is crazy.

I'll tell you

what crazy is.

Crazy is walking

down the street with half

a cantaloupe on your head,

saying,

"I'm a hamster."

"I'm a hamster."

That's crazy.

- Ooh.

My life's work

is now complete.

Your cooperation

is commendable, professor.

Thank you.

Throw him

in the cell.

- But you said it was

for the world peace!

- Yeah, yeah.

Hello, general. It's skippy.

They're on the island.

- Yeah.

Well, well, well,

what perfect timing.

- It seems we're gonna

have more guests.

- Steele's not dead.

He's on his way here.

- Throw her in with the others!

- No! Please! Please!

- I thought you loved me!

- Nah, I was just usin' you.

Seven hours, 59 minutes

and 41 seconds.

Seven hours, 59 minutes

and 38 seconds.

- Seven hours, 59 minutes - and 30...

- Dick, look out!

- Got you now, Steele.

Hey, where you goin'?

- Take that!

Hey, come back here!

Nowhere to go, Steele.

How fast can you run,

my friend?

- My God!

All right, men,

tie him up.

- Okay, go ahead, kill me.

I got a bomb. You touch me,

and you'll blow up yourself.

You don't really think

I'm gonna fall for that old

tied-to-the-bomb trick, do ya?

- Well, how about

the old snake trick?

- Ahh!

[ Dinosaur roaring,

- What is it?

- Shh.

- Let's go.

Two hours, 59 minutes

and 26 seconds to launch.

Two hours, 59 minutes

and 21 seconds to launch.

Two hours, 59 minutes

and 19 seconds to launch.

We've got to find a way

into Rancor's complex.

- Are you ready?

- Ready.

Here, help me with this.

- How patriotic, Dick.

- And deadly.

Ooh, Dick.

Bearing 177.5.

On my mark.

Hi, mark.

Get set.

- Father!

- My child.

Well, well.

Dick Steele.

I'd shake your hand,

but I don't remember

where it landed.

- Clever! Clever? Clever.

Take their weapons.

- Mm-hmm.

Throw her in with the others.

Bind him.

- Oh, papa.

- Dick Steele?

- Oh, Ms. Dahl.

- Barbara Dahl. - Get your paws off me,

you damn dirty apes!

- No! - You remember - Barbara Dahl.

Victoria's daughter?

I'd like to see you watch

her go up

like you watched

her mother go down.

But I'd rather let you

just be a dessert

for my little pet.

What's left of you will have

to watch helplessly

while I play mortal kombat

with the entire world!

- Huh?

- It's gonna blow!

Hurry up!

[ Veronique continues

- Come on!

You are very immature.

Bullies tend to have

very bad self-esteem.

Aha!

Oh-ho!

Leave me alone!

I'm an unarmed man!

- Oh, miss Cheevus.

- Dick, I'm sorry.

- One minute and 22 seconds.

One minute and 21 seconds.

- One minute and 20 seconds.

- You were under the influence

of an evil man.

- One minute and 19 seconds.

- It was still

a lousy thing to do.

One minute and 18 seconds.

One minute and 17 seconds.

One minute and 16 seconds.

Oh-oh.

General, it's broken.

Well, you'll like space.

Lots of elbow room and...

- One minute and 12 seconds.

- Oh, whoops. Sorry.

- One minute and 11 seconds.

One minute and ten seconds.

Yeah, you lose, Steele!

- That countdown - is irreversible!

- Really?

- One minute and five seconds. - Well...

- Let's just see how...

- We need to go!

- One minute and three seconds.

- Irreversible that really is.

It's irreversible,

and there's nothing

you patriotic pansies

can do about it!

- Let me tell you - what being patriotic really is,

you scumbag poop.

This is a great country

where a man can sue anyone

he wants anytime he wants.

It's a great country

because thousands of people

die every year

from handguns, and,

yet, at this very moment,

you can still walk into

a convenience store anywhere

and buy one of those guns.

- That's democracy.

- It's finally time

somebody does

what that fool Steele

should have done.

- This is a great country...

- And it's gonna be me!

Because anyone who's male

has the right...

Let's go!

- To run for the office

of the president.

- Let's go! Move it!

- This is a great country

because any moron can...

All right, everyone,

drop your guns!

I'm, uh, taking over!

Steele... get down from there.

- Dick, come on. We have to go.

- Now!

- Oh!

- Come on! Come on!

- I wasn't finished.

Quick! Hurry up!

Just move it!

Twenty seconds.

Steele, you're always

doing this to me!

- You lose, Steele!

I'm not through!

I'll be back!

Maybe just tissue

or a brain!

- Open the door!

I'm stuck in here!

- I'll be back!

- I'm going up, but you

and your whole world...

Are going down!

- I'll be back,

maybe without legs...

- Open the damn door!

- Or some other minor organ.

- Wait! I don't want

to miss the fireworks!

How about a hand

for general Rancor?

You're not through with me!

- Ah, well.

Houston, we have a problem.

♪

♪ A man of intrigue

he lives for the thrill ♪

♪ always has places to go

and people to kill ♪

♪ danger is

the game he plays ♪

♪ and he holds every card ♪

♪ 'cause if you wanna win ♪

♪ you gotta spy hard ♪

♪ a man of the world

so suave and discreet ♪

♪ he trips over the women

piled up at his feet ♪

♪ but evil's lurking ♪

♪ so he's always

on his guard ♪

♪ 'cause if you're gonna spy ♪

♪ you better spy hard ♪

♪ he's always there ♪

♪ when the chips

are beginning to fall ♪

♪ he wouldn't care ♪

♪ if they kicked him

and grabbed him ♪

♪ and shot him

and stabbed him ♪

♪ and nailed both his ears

to the wall ♪

♪ facing death every day ♪

♪ is a tough job for any man ♪

♪ but his hours are flexible ♪

♪ and he's got

a great dental plan ♪

♪ by the way

if you walked in late ♪

♪ allow me to reiterate ♪

♪ the name of this movie ♪

♪ was spy hard ♪

♪ they called it spy hard ♪

♪ you just saw spy hard ♪

♪ it's the end of spy hard ♪

♪

♪ [ Continues holding