Original subtitles

How many stars sparkle in the sky?

Ever tried counting them?

It would take 6,000 years to count those in our galaxy alone

How many such galaxies exist?

Scientists reckon two billion more

Isn't it possible that amongst these billions of celestial bodies

a planet with people like us exists?

As we explore space looking for them,

couldn't they be coming here, looking for us?

[Hindi pop song]

What the thief stole was the gadget to recall his spaceship

Without this remote he could not return home

He neither knew our language, nor had a friend here

Alone, anguished, his only thought was...

.. how will I return home?

On the pathway of Time Life is but a brief flame

In its luminous mist We wish, we dream, we exist

But on a beautiful bend

A stranger may we meet

Life after life

Whose memory may persist

Extra ticket. Anyone extra ticket?

- Yes sir... - I'll take it!

Sorry, I raised my hand first

But I called out first

I'm a big fan of Mr Bachchan, the poet

I'm a bigger fan of his son, the actor

From age ten, I know all his poems. Fully memorized

From age five, I know his son's dialogues - without memorizing

Hello, who wants it?

Give me. Poetry's not his cup of tea

100

100 for a 40 ticket? Black market of poetry!

Queued up six long hours for this

Time is money

- Go for the dialogues. - All yours. Ladies first

Just a sec! Why not split the ticket?

1st half you enjoy the poetry. 2nd half I'll savor the acting

That's a damn good idea!

10, 20, 30, 40

50 more

6

- 96 - 96

96. How about a discount? We're from the same country

Hail India, bro!

Long live motherland! 100

Extra ticket. Anyone extra ticket?

Sir!

Can I borrow 4? Please!

Keep my watch till I repay

Please, Sir, it's the last ticket

Show is sold out, child. No tickets left

There is one left with that black marketeer

Scoundrel! Giving India a bad name

So true!

Wait here. I'll get you that ticket

OK, Sir

Thank you

Yes!

- Sir! - Do I know you?

Where's my ticket?

Ticket? Yours for 100

You bloody cheat!

Decaying dacoit! Senile snake! Capitalist!

Mind your language!

Mind your coat first!

- Now enjoy the show! - Security!

- Wrinkled wreck! - Security!

Let's get outta here

I'll get you for this!

Don't chase me... catch him!

Oldies these days! It's a spoilt generation!

Forget it

How can I?

That bandit basks in poetry and here I am

Drop it

Why pine for the party that shuns us?

Follow the moment that beckons us

I too dabble in poetry

It's nice. Go on

No. If I go on, you'll propose to me

- You crazy? - I mean it!

Your favorite poet, senior Mr Bachchan

met a lady one morning, wooed her with verse

By dusk they were married. So I've read

Really?

And boy! Look what they produced -

Amitabh Bachchan - the great actor

Jaggu

Jaggu?

My name

Papa named me Jagat Janani: world's mother

I got mocked at school so I shortened it - Jaggu

- From Mumbai? - No. Delhi

I'm studying TV production

And you?

Sarfaraz. I study architecture

and work part time at the Pakistan Embassy

Pakistan Embassy? Why?

Well, I'm from Pakistan

Unlikely the Indian Embassy will employ me!

What's wrong?

Nothing

My being from Pakistan perturbs you?

Alright then

Goodbye

Ask not my name, nor my country

From bondage of borders break free

A few steps on this brief journey

Come, just walk with me

Ask not my name, nor my country

From bondage of borders break free

A few steps on this brief journey

Come, just walk with me

Past the realms of word and speech

Hand in hand, nowhere to reach

A few steps on this brief journey

Come, just walk with me

Past the realms of word and speech

Hand in hand, nowhere to reach

A few steps on this brief journey

Come, just walk with me

If the sun scorches the pathway

A carpet of shade will I lay

If darkness fills you with dismay

I'll conjure up a moon in the sky

If dejection fills up your day

With laughter I'll shoo it away

Laughing, frolicking, humming a song

Together we shall walk along

With you, my fellow traveler

Nothing in this world I fear

Why a few steps, a whole lifelong

With you I'll walk along

Past the realms of word and speech

Hand in hand, nowhere to reach

A few steps on this brief journey

Come, just walk with me

- Thank you - Thank you

Mom!

Papa!

She's fallen in love!

Fallen in love?

He's so cute!

More photos please!

What's his job? What's his family like?

Calm down Mom. I'll tell you

First, the name

Sarfaraz

Muslim?

Yes. Studies architecture. Family is in Pakistan

Pakistan! Which Pakistan?

There's just one Pakistan, Mom

You'll wear burkhas?

Read the Quran? Have you gone mad?

Don't you disconnect. Stay put

Start the car

All's doomed, Your Holiness. Help!

I knew exactly where Papa was headed

Since childhood one face had surrounded us: His Holiness

Bye Mom

From bags to bathroom walls,

he was omnipresent

Even for a root canal he would set the auspicious time

He had gifted Papa a God box with a deity for every task

Goddess of Wealth for the stock market

God of Health for workouts

Web-based worship and sacred sweets by courier

were his innovations

Hail, Your Holiness

Touch his feet Jaggu

Why this fatal infatuation?

Pick up a pen and write

God

Enlighten me

Yes...

Yes...

Your wish is our command

Write down the prophecy

This Pakistani boy,

Sarfaraz,

will betray you

I know he won't

History stands witness: these people scheme and betray

He will pursue carnal pleasures

But will never marry you. He'll vanish

Come home now! One more night there, and you're dead to us

Mr Sahni, I'll talk to her

Child, hit the delete button

Banish him from your system

Hello!

What happened?

Do you love me?

Of course I do. Why?

- Will you marry me? - What's the matter?

Yes or no, Sarfaraz?

- Yes, but... - Tomorrow

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow we get married

His prophecy is wrong. I'll prove it

Mr James Herrick and Miss Oprah Brown, you're next

- James isn't here, yet. - Oh, talk to the registrar

Could you just hold this please?

Yes of course.

Hello...

This is for you

- For me? - Yeah

Thank you

It was from Sarfaraz

He said: marriage isn't just between individuals, but families

Our faiths, countries, cultures are different

We can never be happy if our families are unhappy

Don't try to contact me

I'm sorry

Where to go young lady?

New Delhi

I came back to my city, but my parents refused to see me

I joined a news channel as a reporter

Today's story: a depressed dog

That's our breaking news!

Some days we had news, some days we fabricated it

Missing: God

If found, contact Tipsy

There's a story in this man. I'll see you at office

Don't be late!

Excuse me?

Why are you handing these out?

I have a case pending with Him

He neither solves it, nor meets me

My life is kaput

He's gone into hiding

Have you seen Him around?

No

Hail Goddess, Hail Holy Mother

Hail Goddess, Hail Holy Mother

By the way, what's with the helmet?

Got the idea from taxi-tops

Yellow yells out from miles

Taxis are spotted easily in traffic

- So? - So God can spot me easy!

How else will he spot me in this crowd?

A bit to your left - perfect!

Ok, background?

Cue Jaggu

They say animals are not suicidal

Here's Nikku. Mr Sweetie Singh's dog

Nikku has attempted suicide thrice

Jumping off a roof, licking sleeping pills, hopping onto a gas burner

What's wrong with Nikku?

Is Nikku prey to a mental problem?

Is Nikku...

What's wrong Jaggu?

What is this shit, Mitu?

Our chat with famed industrialist Mr Ratan continues

right after this break

Going well, Ratan? Some coffee?

Get him some coffee

- Cherry... - Oh no!

What's your guess? This dog has depression, anxiety disorder,

schizophrenia, or ADHD?

Whatever, why would I care?

Exactly

Why would anyone care? Then why do we air such bull?

What would you rather air?

Hold him please

See this?

I met a guy distributing these pamphlets

- He is searching for God. - Found Him?

No... But

Searching for God - that's religion. Finding God - that's news

If he finds God, get him. I'll put him on air

You know the Company policy

No news on religion, no news on God. Finished

Man, you've changed!

Where's the fighter, Cherry Bajwa?

You wanna see the fighter?

Take a good look

There are three marks here

These aren't birthmarks

I ran a show against His Holiness, your Dad's Guru

His devotees shoved a trident right here in my bum

Anchor coming to you in 10 seconds

That day I swore - if you want to live in this country

don't mess with religion. That's it

- I've got a show to run now. - 5... 4...

3...

2...

1...

Welcome back from the break

We were chatting with famed industrialist Mr Ratan...

The boss killed my story

But it came back to life two weeks later

[ DONATION BOX ]

Stop! Thief!

He's stealing from the donation box!

Don't let him go!

Move.

Lifting from the donation box, you fool?

Yes

He's no thief!

While donating my wallet fell in the box

He was getting it out for me

Trust me

Check for yourself. It has Rs 5,000 in it

- That's mine! - It was

Once in the box, it's donated

Now, it's God's. Let them go

Dude, what the hell were you up to?

Claiming my refund

God took His fee but didn't deliver

Hang on...

I saw you fish out some money, then put some back in

I took back what I'd paid at this branch. Returned the rest

You used to wear beads and amulets?

Rejected. Gone for good

Why the stickers then?

Self-defense!

God pics on walls - prevent peeing

on face - prevent punches

Mitu, where are you?

Pick me up. I've no money to get home

I'll fill you in later

I'm at Mudrika, outside the temple

Hurry. Thanks, bye

Here you go

- For what? - For the ride home

When someone can't get home, I feel sad

- Wait. - That's all I had

I can't accept this

- Why? - Won't you need it to get home?

Money can't get me home

Why? Where do you live?

In the step-well ruins

But in this rainy season, I check into a lock-up

Lock-up! As in police lock-up?

There are 122 in the city. I yo-yo between them

And they let you check in, like a hotel?

Come. I'll give you a demo

[ Sign: DO NOT URINATE HERE ]

Just watch!

[ Sign: DO NOT URINATE HERE ]

Hey, copper - look here proper!

I'll show you proper!

Jaggu!

We have to follow that van

- Who are we chasing? - A story

Gimme your wallet. I need cash

Hurry! Thanks. Bye

Excuse me?

Yes?

I want to go inside the lock-up

Why?

To meet that guy

You think this is the local coffee joint, huh?

Saunter in and chillax with your buddies?

This is a lock-up, get it?

Only offenders get in

Bribing is an offence!

That's why I'm committing it!

I can lock you in

Please do... ASAP!

- Thank you, Mr Pandey. - One hour, that's it

Hi

I want your story. Will you share it?

Why?

I'm a TV reporter. It's my job

- Go on, ask. - Awesome!

Your name?

Don't have a name

They call me Tipsy here. Beats me why

And what do you do?

I'm an astronaut

Astronaut!

Those who shoot off to the moon?

Been there once. It's kaput

Sure!

So what's your favorite planet?

- My own. - I meant besides Earth?

Earth is mega-kaput

I meant my own planet

It'll show up there at night

We went bananas,

when we found another planet with people like us

I was sent here on a research mission

Boy, what a welcome I got!

My remote got robbed

Without it, I can't signal my people

and without a signal they won't come for me

They'll think it's a perilous planet

That I'm dead as a dodo

Hello!

- Listen... - What?

Let me out. I want to go home

Your Highness, convicts don't decide that. Cops do

I'm not a thief

So say all the thieves

Where's officer Pandey?

Out on his rounds

Officer Pandey!

Officer Pandey!

Shut up, or you get a knuckle sandwich

You think I'm talking baloney?

Obviously!

Is Hindi the official language of your planet?

On our planet...

.. there's no language!

We read minds. There's no confusion

Here, you utter something and mean something else

A two-letter word can have four different meanings

When you nod and say "oh", it means "Oh, that's cool"

When your eyes pop out, "oh!" means bad news

"Your mother-in-law is moving in." "Oh!"

When angry, you thunder

"Oh! You'll pay for that blunder!"

And when your thought is deep, your "oh" is long!

"Ohhhhhhh! I see!"

As you hear the words, you gotta watch the expression

to get the real meaning

It's torture! Took full 6 hours to learn Hindi

A whole language in 6 hours?

No one let me hold hands

Finally, a nice lady lent her hand

I held it and transferred her language into my system

Man, there's no limit to your whoppers!

Is your hand a USB cable,

that transfers files between computers?

And your clothes? Are faded jeans the rage on your planet too?

Noooo!

On our planet no one wears clothes. There we go bare

Here, at first I thought

your skins were different from ours

Some had sparkly hides,

some jet black

Some hides were colorful, some white

Some hides sticky-tight, some baggy

Then one day I found a car

A dancing car

That day I realized our skins were the same

but yours are covered with a thing called fashion

'Radio Commercial'

Now I could mingle

Yet I was mocked

Look here - half man, half woman!

Slowly I got it

There's man - fashion and woman - fashion

There was day fashion...

.. and night fashion

Sporting fashion...

.. and serving fashion

With the clothes, I found some photos

It hit me - these photos meant survival

You could swap them for food

So I built a portfolio of this old man's photos

What's this?

What are these for?

Why are you giving me this junk?

Right! Now we're talking!

Here you go

I got it: this photo had value on just one kind of paper

On any other paper, it was worthless

For cash and clothes, dancing cars were widely available

They were my bank, they were my tailor!

Once, I got such magnetic attire

that no photos were needed

Food was pulled to me

For you, Sir

Now, to find my remote, I had to learn this planet's language

Without it, every task was a trial

Like telling this gentleman

there was a defect in his fashion

I felt I had spoilt his fashion

So I put it back where it was

[Radio Announcement]

Found him on the road

Some scumbag hit him and bolted

Seems pretty okay,

but isn't responding

Has his eardrum called it a day?

Are you deaf?

Can hear alright, but isn't talking

Seems in a state of shock

Memory loss, I'm afraid

Remember the scumbag who hit you?

Remember the license plate?

Remember anything at all?

Come my friend. Come with me

Be my guest till you get your memory back

Keep slamming your head

One knock took your memory away, another might bring it back

Seen it in the movies

To figure what he was yapping about,

I had to hold his hand and transfer his language

Hey!

With memory loss your gender sense went for a toss?

Wait a moment...

See this - my license

Sex: MALE

Man...

rogue, rascal, scumbag

To return home I had to hold someone's hand

Here comes my zany guest

Can't tell guy from gal Happily hits on all

Here comes my zany guest

Can't tell guy from gal Happily hits on all

Your frantic antics if not stilled, will surely get me killed!

Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Tourist in tacky gear are you from near or far

From Mumbai, Madrid or Madagascar

Tourist in tacky gear are you from near or far

From Mumbai, Madrid or Madagascar

What was your name at school Was it nerdy or was it cool?

What was your name at school Was it nerdy or was it cool?

What's the zip code Of your abode

Did you alight from a cloud Or sprout from underground

Your frantic antics if not stilled, will surely get me killed!

Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

This memory loss is a blessing

This memory loss is a blessing

Feuds forgotten lenders left guessing

Lovable lad

Innocent cad

Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Here comes my zany guest

Hits on all

Here comes my zany guest

Hits on all

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

Here comes the lusty lad!

Here comes the lusty lad!

Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad

I feel your pain, bro

But don't go grabbing hands

You may end up in bed, but most likely a hospital bed

Don't give up, I know place for you

Hand, foot - hold whatever

No one will bash you here

Come

What a neighborhood! Virtuous, welcoming women

All reaching for my hand, inviting me home

Here I met a serene and gentle woman, Pepper

Pepper, take him to the honeymoon suite

Pepper sat patiently all night

For full 6 hours, I transferred her language files

ABC - XYZ, I drew in everything

First time?... Kaput before you kicked off?

Yes!

Where are you from?

Far, far away

From an unheard of village

But you speak my lingo!

Because I learnt it from you, sister

Sister! You think this is a convent? Out!

Bro!

Bro, wake up!

Bro, wake up!

Bro!

You're talking!

Bro, I need your help

Pepper cleared up your throat!

Bro, come with me quick

Memory and making out have a direct connection!

Update the docs: get laid, get well!

It's urgent, bro!

Okay, let's go

Stop... stop!

Stop, bro!

The jerk robbed me right here

I need my chain, bro. I must get it back

- Precious? - It's priceless!

The thief must be a local

But he'll sell the loot in Delhi

If he sold pricey stuff here, he'd get caught

Then I must go

Where?

Delhi

- Officer! - Yeah?

- My remote control is stolen. - Are you tipsy?

Expect the police force to track your TV remote?

- It's not a TV remote! - Then?

Can't tell you. But it's like a chain

Really precious

- Where was it stolen? - In Mandawa

And you're searching in Delhi, you idiot?

The thief came to Delhi

- So? - So where's the thief?

Blockhead! It's a city of 15 million

Police are human, not God

Only God can help you

Surrender to God, you'll succeed

Only God knows

Ask God, not me!

Trust in God, my child

Who was this God chap? All said only He could help

What I saw blew my mind

Earthlings had figured out who had manufactured them!

Their creator lived with them. He had millions of houses

Earthlings took their problems to Him, which He solved for a small fee

My planet had no such facility

I could not believe it! So decided to test it

One take-away God

Which one? Rs 20, 100, 500?

Any difference? In the Rs 20 and Rs 500 ones?

Just the size. Otherwise ditto

Rs 20 God is equally efficient?

OK, gimme Rs 15! Nothing less

God, I am famished. Get me some food please

I went bananas

God actually worked! Now I could go home

God, my remote is stolen

Please find it. I want to go home

God's battery died. Worked once, then kaput

What do you mean?

Stick a new battery in. Where does it go?

- It needs no battery. - Then why is it off?

- Manufacturing defect? - I make no defective stuff

- You made this God? - Of course! With my own hands

You made God, or God made you?

He made us all - I only make His statues

Why the statues?

To worship Him. To voice our problems

Is there a transmitter inside? How can He hear us?

God needs no transmitter. He hears directly

Directly? Then why the statue?

What's with him?

Want to bust my business? What's your problem?

My remote is stolen, Sir

I'm requesting God. But He doesn't reply

- Are you tipsy? - Meaning?

You're overloading this pint-sized God

His itty-bitty feet can't chase the thief

Bother the big God inside the temple

He'll run fast

Offer Him coconut and money - He'll deliver

That'll be a Rs 200

Earthlings waited with fees to get their work done

Full 2 hours later I got the appointment

God,

please get my remote back

- Where is it? - Move!

Wait, He didn't deliver my stuff

He didn't deliver! See, I paid His fee

- Your work will be done. - But when?

Can't say when, but it will be done

- Move on. - But when will I get it?

Don't block the line, scram!

If I scram, someone else may get it

Are you tipsy?

Lady, please! Where will I get my stuff?

At the mental hospital!

What? Cash here, delivery at mental hospital!

- Throw him out! - OK, give me a receipt

Out!

Without a receipt how do I claim my delivery?

Get out!

But my remote?

Leave!

I can't find my shoes

Someone's taken them. Now you take your pick

Rotation is routine at temples

He took the payment, didn't deliver

What's his name?

- They call Him God - Real name?

No idea

Where does he live?

In that temple

- You handed him the cash? - No. Put it in His box

- Said he'd do the job? - He says nothing

Is he mute?

Perhaps... Maybe

Oh...

Describe him

Ditto

But a bigger chap

Come near...

Are you tipsy?

Yes. How do you all know?

Think I'm a jackass? 20 years a cop!

Who's tipsy who's not I can tell in a snap

Frisk him

Let me have a look

Dr D'Mello...

Doc, why get so buzzed you forget your faith?

Mistook temple for a church! Wanna rouse a riot?

Go to church. To your own God

Church?

Get out of here

My stuff! My remote!

God was crucified for your sins. Ungrateful man!

Crucified! When?

2,000 years ago. For your sins!

What did I do? I just got here

- Are you tipsy? - Yes!

God is watching you. Behave

Where?

Where is God?

What's in the mug?

Wine

Wine! Now I got it!

God was bored of coconut water

Now He preferred wine. But wine was expensive

So I had to muster money

I got some from the dancing car, some from a gentleman

who held out a bowl of dole everyday

You could withdraw as per need

[Radio Announcement]

Sir, any God house around here?

Right there

Preacher, let me drink in God's abode

Or show me a place where there is no God

Stop! What's that?

Wine, for God

Where is He?

This lady looked very sad

To know why, I grabbed her hand

Hitting on a widow, you lech!

Widow? How do you know?

Don't you see she's clad in white?

Is everything fine?

Everything is fine.

Just relax. Smile.

So sorry your husband's dead

- What? - When?

How do I know? You are clad in white

Brides wear white!

No, widows wear white

Widows wear black, stupid!

Now don't stress her out. Go!

All three lost your husbands?

I'm alive you moron! Want a whack?

After many whacks, I learnt

there wasn't one God. There were many Gods

Each with His own set of rules

Each God had floated His own Company

They called it religion

Each Company had its own agents

All Earthlings belonged to some religion

and followed the God of that religion alone

What was my religion, who was my God?

To find the remote I had to know my God

What are you doing?

Where is the label?

What label?

The Religion label

How do you know which Company he belongs to?

Where does God label them?

Security!

Finding my religion was tough

So I decided to worship all Gods

One of them would be my God, who'd help me

It's You who governs The world I hear

Do listen to my plea My home beckons me

God where are You

Tell me where are You

You guide back to sanity Those who've lost their way

I too am completely lost Guide me too, I pray

God where are You

Tell me where are You

Shall I worship You in temples

In mosques do my faith I show

Or to a gurudwara would You like me to go

Temples and churches, I looked everywhere

My hope now, has turned to despair

My hope now, has turned to despair

My hope now, has turned to despair

Not a single ritual Did I ever flout

Like millions around I submit without a doubt

God where are You

Tell me where are You

You have many names And many faces too

I've walked each of the myriad paths which lead to You

In no shrine did I find You

What else should I do To find you give a clue

What else should I do To find you give a clue

What else should I do To find you give a clue

I blindly follow and With reverence treasure

Your every whim and fancy In more than ample measure

God where are you

Tell me where are you

God where are you

Tell me where are you

God - I'm all confused

What's my fault? Why can't my voice reach you?

Understand my plight

Give me some guidance

Please

Shall I talk to you with hands clasped,

or on bent knees, head to the ground?

Do I wake you with temple bells?

Or call out on a loudspeaker?

The Geeta, the Quran, the Bible - what do I read?

Your different managers say different things

Some insist fast on Monday, others urge on Tuesday

Some forbid food after sunset, some after sunrise

Some say, worship the cow. Others say slaughter her

Some send me barefoot to the temple, some wearing shoes to the church

What is right, what is wrong

I am clueless

I'm at breaking point

I want to go home

I'll do whatever you ask. Just get me home

Please

Say something

At least one of you...

.. give me some answer

Please

Please

Please

Missing: God

Missing: God

Missing: God

Why the lock man?

I gotcha today

Open! It's my entry!

Lord Shiva, slayer of sins

who fears none

Security! Who are you?

Don't you recognize me?

I'm Tipsy!

Where the hell is security?

Do I perform for boozards in the toilet?

Unlock that door now!

My remote first!

- What remote? - Of my spaceship

Space... ship?

Memory loss? For the zillionth time,

I'm not from here. I'm from a far off planet

Scooch!

Gimme my remote, and I go home. Got it?

Brother let me go. I've little kids at home

I know! You fathered two Gods

Both are centuries old. They can be home alone

First my remote, then your family reunion

Oh God, save me please...

There's a God above you too?

Lord Shiva, help

Where?

Now presenting the dance of Shiva, the fearless

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Hail Lord Shiva

Hail Lord Shiva

I was meditating on the snowy peaks of the Himalayas

when, suddenly - light!

Dazzling light!

It came from a bead lying in the snow

I shut my eyes and invoked God

Next moment, I was connected

I said, "God, enlighten me,"

What is this miraculous object,

that is warm even in this biting cold?

God said,

it's a divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace

Take it and enshrine it in a grand temple

Sighting this bead will heal all suffering

Are you ready for the sighting?

The divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace!

Hail Lord Shiva

Hail Lord Shiva

Hail Lord Shiva

Hail Lord Shiva

Stop. Let him through. He's awed by the sight

Come. - Hail Lord Shiva

Not there child. Come here

Express your ecstasy

Hail Lord Shiva

Hail Lord Shiva

God, where are you? Please step out,

I want to thank you

He's right here

I met Him in the toilet

I asked for my property and He bolted

I thought He vamoosed

But no! He led me to my property

Hail Lord Shiva

This isn't Lord Shiva's bead

It's my property, misdelivered to you

Your bead must be misdelivered too

Ask God, He is right here. God, do step forward, clarify

Anyway, I'll take my property

That's mine! Why're you stopping me?

Hail Lord Shiva

A traveller of dreams, neither a devotee, nor an unbeliever..

O Lord, tell me where I am..

How is this hide and seek of yours,

Take me home, O my friend..

My heart seeks refuge..

Since when have you felt you're from another planet?

Listen. You need to see a psychiatrist

Time up! Rs 500 can buy only this much jail time

Here's my card

My number's on it. I'll get you an appointment if you wish

Feel free to call. Okay?

Take care

Thank you officer Pandey

You don't believe my story?

Then go back to the suicidal dog, Nikku

That's the story for you

I need to go back in for 2 minutes

Quit these entry - exits

Another Rs 500, he's all yours

When did I mention Nikku, the suicidal dog?

You didn't

So how do you know?

When you held my hands, I read your thoughts

You thought: this story is dead

I got to live with the Nikku story

Don't lie! I must have mentioned it

I cannot lie. Lies need language

On our planet we hold hands, read minds

- Gimme your hand. - No way

- Try it... - Help me, son

My wife's ill. Hospital wants a deposit of Rs 10,000

I'm Rs 500 short. If you can help...

I'll give you

Here

Give your address. I'll courier a check

Courier can't reach my home. Please keep it

Thank you

Sir...

Here's another Rs 100. For the tip

Bless you

Confirmed. You are no mind reader

You got conned. There is no hospital around here

I know!

He's gifting his wife a five star dinner

It's her 75th birthday

She'd never been to a fancy place

He's been saving from his pension for months

She ordered ice-cream and his budget went kaput

With a restroom excuse, he ran out for some bucks

Another yarn!

On our planet, we don't lie

Anyway, it's up to you

- Here. - Thank you Sir

One moment. Tip him

Why hold back - it's your birthday!

Thank you

Address: Step-well ruins

I told you. On my planet, we don't lie

Hope you haven't told anyone...

.. that you're an alien?

No way!

They'd lock me in a lab, and rip me up for research!

How come you told me?

Ever since I set foot on this planet

everyone has taken money from me

You were the first to give it up for me - dumping Rs 5,000 in a box

I thought you are a good egg. I could trust you

I'll get your remote back, Tipsy

How?

I haven't figured it out yet, but you'll go back home

That's my promise

What are you goggling at?

You

Aliens don't drop by everyday

Everyone on your planet has stick-out ears?

Yup, ditto

And they roam around naked? Isn't it weird?

That crow is naked - does he look weird?

If he dons a tie, he'd look weird

Tipsy, I was awake all night...

.. thinking how to get your remote back

Hello

Connect to Balbir Singh. Room No. 4

Wrong number

Isn't this Fortis Hospital?

Since yesterday you've been dialing this wrong number

Impossible! I can't be wrong every time!

So how do we get the remote?

Connect to Balbir Singh. Room No. 4

Sorry, Sir. You've called too late

Balbir died this morning

Huh! How can a piles surgery be fatal?

Embarrassing, but don't worry

Death Certificate will say heart attack

so the family saves face

- Come for the body. - On my way

Ok, bye

Why did you say that?

Doling out joy

When he finds his friend alive, imagine his joy!

What!

I was sick of his calls. So I played a prank

- A prank? - Tipsy, I was just kidding!

I got it!

Someone is playing pranks

When His Holiness dials God,

cocking his head, 'God, enlighten me',

his calls are going to a Wrong Number

Someone out there plays pranks

The real God won't call my remote a bead

Looks like the phone lines to God have gone kaput

All calls to God are going to a Wrong Number!

As in?

Think - would the real God give such weird solutions?

Like - come rolling to me, then I'll help you!

Aren't we God's children?

Would a father make his kids roll for help?

Your Dad ever said - kiddo, want a new dress? Start rolling!

Another prank - bathe me with cow's milk! What bull!

And if these calls went to the real God, what would He say?

He'd say - millions of my children are starving on streets

Give them milk. Don't give me a lactose shower

I'm sure someone's playing pranks, like you just did

Tipsy thought His Holiness was a victim of pranks

I didn't clear his confusion

for a crazy idea was forming in my head

An idea that would get back Tipsy's remote

Who's this Tipsy?

That's a mystery

But the way he sees this world is unique

- As in? - If he saw you smoking,

he'd call the cops to say you're attempting suicide

Why?

The pack says 'Smoking Kills' yet you puff away

So what's the big idea?

Face-off

Between Tipsy and His Holiness.

We'll take the face-off to TV

Ratings will go through the roof!

Jaggu..

I have three trident marks on my right bum

You want three more on my left for balance?

Don't worry

Tipsy won't fight His Holiness but gently explain, that...

.. his calls to God are going to a Wrong Number

His Holiness will be stumped

Cherry!

Tipsy's here. Just meet him once

I bet his queries will baffle you

Trust me. Please!

Excuse me, you dropped this

Oh, thank you

That's not mine

Kamasutra condoms, strawberry flavor

I hate strawberries, man. Ask these guys

It's not mine. Buzzed bozo!

- Ma'am, yours? - How dare you!

- Check your purse if it's missing. - Shameless cad!

- Has to be yours. - No, not mine

Tipsy, it's his

Ask him all you want to know about it. Come on in

What's this?

It's a condom

- What does it do? - Controls the world's population

How?

It has to be worn while having sex

How does your wearing it control the world's population?

Not just me... millions wear it

They all borrow it from you?

Everyone has it

- I've a question - Go on Tipsy, shoot

If money is dropped, all run for it

If a condom is dropped, all run away from it. Why?

Sex is a very private matter

Why?

You don't tell the whole town - I'm having sex today

But, then at weddings, with fireworks and music bands

why do they tell the whole town - I'm having sex today?

What's the matter?

I have no answer for you but I have a job for you

Thank you!

Let's beat it before he changes his mind

Shield your holy bum, Your Holiness

My trident is on its way

At this place His Holiness connects his devotees to God

for solutions to their woes

Listen carefully to his calls

If you think the calls are going to a Wrong Number, alert him

- Will that get me my remote? - Once he realises...

.. the bead story is a prank he'll return your remote

Good plan. Let's go

To build a home for someone is a holy deed

To build a home for God is the holiest deed

So donate for the temple

And see your woes flee

Son, voice your woe

Your Holiness,

my wife's been paralyzed for six months

The doctors have given up. What shall I...

God

Enlighten me

Yes...

What place?

What transport?

Your wish is our command

Have you heard of the Rathong glacier?

No

It's in the Himalayas. Take a train to Silliguri

then a bus to Gangtok

then an eight day trek

You'll reach a grand temple

Pray there, your problem will be solved

Wrong Number! This is a Wrong Number!

- What? - Wrong Number

Your Holiness, your phone line to God has gone kaput

Your calls are going to a Wrong Number

and a fake God is playing pranks

What are you trying to say?

I'll explain. Aren't we God's children?

Yes, so?

Say your kid's in a jam and comes to you

Will you help promptly, or will you say

kiddo, I've another house 2,000 miles away

Come there, tell me the same problem again

Then I'll solve it. What bull!

If the call went to real God, He'd say: Son, tend to your ailing wife,

don't run after me

after death you'll come to me anyway

give her your time now. Right?

I can prove it's a prank

Call this fake God again and ask

What's the guarantee she will get well

Sir, till you get it in writing, don't leave her side

Just call, and clear all doubt

It's time for His Holiness' holy silence

Praise be to God Glory be to God

This fake God is passing off my property as a holy bead

He is no God. He is a fraud

He is a FRAUD

God doesn't talk to us mortals

He communicates through His managers

- Tipsy has raised a big question. - What?

Is God really talking to the managers?

No

So where do the commands for us come from?

- From a Wrong Number! - So what should the public do?

Till phone lines are fixed, don't depend on God's managers

Help each other in difficult times

A great tip from Tipsy: Don't rely on God's managers

Rely on each other

Hail Lord Shiva

Tipsy says don't make the temple, the bead belongs to him

What's in your pocket?

- Do you smoke? - Yes

- You consume alcohol? - Occasionally

You smoke cigarettes, consume alcohol

despite knowing their fatal effects

Governments permit these poisons,

factories manufacture them, stores sell them

Nobody questions this

But in this sacred land of Lord Ram and Krishna

if I wish to build a temple

why these questions?

Why not question the man who is trying to stall this temple?

Who's this Tipsy?

What's his real name?

Why's he hiding it? Is he a Muslim?

If question you must, go ask Tipsy

what is his religion?

Find out his religion, Find out his faith

Centuries ago, Mohammad of Ghazni

came and destroyed our temples

Today another invader wants to repeat history

But we won't allow...

Your God asks my religion. Let's ask Him...

.. the religions of these people

- What nonsense? - Call up your God!

Why bother God? I'll tell you

This one is a Hindu. He's a Christian...

.. Sikh, Jain and...

.. that one is of your religion

Enlighten him

Hello. I'm Sikh

Greetings. I'm Muslim

I'm Jain

Hi, I'm Christian

Hello! I'm Hindu

Bamboozled!

I swapped their robes. Get it?

Faith is connected to fashion

Want a demo? Check the math

Beard + moustache + turban = Sikh

Minus turban = Hindu

Minus moustache = Muslim!

This difference is made by the fake God

If real God wanted it, He'd put a label on us

- Is there a label on your body? - Mine?

Don't gape, strip and check!

Why be coy?

Strip everyone, show His Holiness. Is there any label?

Cut the coyness. OK, I'll go first

See the bare facts

Is there a label?

Nothing! You see!

Check some more...

Remove this ruffian

Hey! I'm proving a point

Start the chants!

Praise be to God Glory be to God

That's no divine bead

Jaggu!

Stop this farce!

Papa!

You were all of 40 days, when His Holiness christened you

Remember, he who gives you a name, can ruin it too

He named me Jagat Janani

How can he ruin it further?

You! Name your price

Papa!

Trying to scare His Holiness to extort money

No, no

You'll burn in Hell! Fear the wrath of God!

Thank you Papa! Thank you

I'd solved only half the puzzle. You pieced it together

Fear is the key

The prankster is cashing in on fear. Get it?

Not exactly, but can you explain to Papa?

You bet! I can prove it. Follow me

I don't have time for this nonsense

If it turns out to be nonsense, I'll call off the show

Exams are on at this college. The students are scared stiff

Now, we'll establish our business - The Fear Factory

Come

Machine installed

A little seed capital

Now the inauguration

Just watch! Capital doubles in 15 minutes

Look there

The first customer!

Tea... piping hot tea

Check the investment of the tea vendor

Kettle, tea, sugar, bike, thermos

And here - a rock and a red mark

Hot and piping tea...

There, you gotta woo the clients

Here you shoo them away

Hey, scram. Give others a chance

There you bow before the customer

Here the customer bows before you

If he's in deep trouble, he goes horizontal

The Wrong Number guy trades in fear

He knows - those in dread to the temple head

You too seem afraid! Off with these...

Do not question religion

It's a matter of faith!

If God didn't want us to raise questions

He wouldn't give us the power to reason

Guardians of religion use violence when they can't answer us

They scare us into silence. But now we won't be silent

So far one Tipsy raised questions. Now there'll be a thousand

Friends, pick up your phones

When you spot a Wrong Number, shoot it and send it to us

We'll put it on TV

Dump your fear, ask questions

Holy Sir!

One question

If you can conjure gold from thin air

why don't you end the nation's poverty?

Answer please

Holy Sir!

Since you're a walking gold mine, why ask us for donations?

God is great!

This is a Wrong Number

- Jaggu... come with me - Cherry give me a moment

Come with me

The Wrong Number idea is a national rage

- What! - It's spread like wild fire

Come, take a look!

Guru says - to land a job, feed a cow

Is this cow an employment agent?

Or posts CVs on Monster.com? Wrong Number

Watch this one!

He says, convert to Christianity, or be damned

If God wanted, I'd be Christian by birth

Why convert now? Wrong Number

These girls want to go to school

A new dictat says: kill them if they do

Is God so small, He'll deny children knowledge?

Wrong Number

What God has destined for you will happen

He has a master plan for the Universe

Accept it

Your disciples say: to get a male child,

buy this book, and chant the mantras

So buy a Rs 10 book

and bust God's master plan!

Tipsy! Your show's a hit! Messages are pouring in

Here's one more

What happened?

It's Papa. He's ashamed I'm his daughter

I was in tenth grade

when I wrote my first poem

For Papa

They say my Mom I resemble. I say possible,

but I'm my Daddy's girl

I recited it on the Annual Day

All parents clapped

but one whistled with joy

The applause ended, the whistling continued

It was Papa

He was so proud of me

And now this message. Ashamed of you

There's a Wrong Number in your Papa's head

The day he gets rid of it, he'll whistle for you again

It won't happen

Don't be sad. Come with me

On my planet when people are sad, know what they do?

What?

Recharge the battery!

- What! - Just copy me

What are we doing?

Shut your eyes!

How do I copy then?

Right. Keep them open

To steal glances at you all day

To strain for every word you say

To put every chore aside

And follow your every stride

That's nothing but a waste of time

Love is a waste of time

Amore is nothing more

Love is a waste of time

But my mind and heart insist

Once in this life at least

I must waste my time

Without reason or rhyme

I want to waste my time

I love this waste of time

A zillion peeps into the mirror

A million times I've styled my hair

Countless sets of clothes I've tried

Emptied perfume bottles with flair

Dressing up is all I did Did nothing else worthwhile

Now I understand

That love is waste of time

But my mind and heart insist

Once in this life at least

I must waste my time

Without reason or rhyme

I want to waste my time

I love this waste of time

My world has topsy-turvy turned

I know not how to tell you

I smile without rhyme or reason

What's happening I have no clue

The mind just wants to soar And from rooftops yell

Now I understand Love is a waste of time

But my mind and heart insist

Once in this life at least

I must waste my time

Without reason or rhyme

I want to waste my time

I love this waste of time

The donation box is getting more questions than cash

Your relics don't sell anymore

Millions of abuses on Facebook and Twitter

- Just five? - Those are in support

The abuses are in here

It's time for action, Sir. Avoiding the issue can be disastrous

Missing: God

Call Cherry Bajwa

Tipsy has asked many questions. I'll ask him just one

- Hey Jaggu - What happened?

His Holiness wants to come on the show. To debate with Tipsy

- Tipsy'll rip him! - It'll be a mother of a show!

Get Tipsy ready. Put the promos out

'The Final Question' Sunday 6:00 pm

Don't miss, 'The Final Question' Sunday 6:00 pm

My pal's become a star! Hey look, he's a rock star

Rock star was roaming butt naked

I made him a star. The bloke's on TV

and me - in this shanty town, this crappy shack

guzzling booze with a jackass like you

Star my foot!

Tipsy, some Bhairon Singh for you

Bhairon!

Take that line

- Bro! - You lusty lad

You're a rock star!

Bro, where are you?

In Mandawa. Coming to Delhi tomorrow

With a gift for you

I've nabbed the thief who stole your stuff

He sold it for 40 grand

- Guess to whom. - Whom?

His Holiness!

God said: it's a divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace. Take it...

.. and enshrine it in a grand temple. Sighting this bead...

Hey,

what happened?

The thief who stole my remote is caught

What! Really?

Bro said, the thief sold it to His Holiness

Then His Holiness is finished!

We'll tell him - return the remote,

or the thief tells all on TV

So he didn't find my remote in the Himalayas! He's lying

Wrong Numbers are not floated by some fake God...

.. but by His Holiness

You knew this Jaggu?

Remember the day you mentioned Wrong Number

All his calls are going to a Wrong Number

I knew then you were on the wrong track. But I kept mum

If you'd called him a fraud, people would have killed you

People crave for the unique

Wrong Number!

Your Wrong Number concept was unique

Today the world supports you

Tipsy, my plan worked! You're going home!

You'll fly away tomorrow, my friend

Whoosh... Gone

We'll never meet again

There will be such a void

I'll really miss you

Shall I stay back?

How can you?

Simple, I have a job

I'll get some ID made and settle here

I'll find someone to 'waste time' with me

I'll marry her

- Who'll marry you! - Why not?

Your wife will go nuts introducing you -

Meet my husband. He's Tipsy!

That's not my name!

- Tipsyyy! - I'll get a real name

Why don't you suggest one? A name you love

A man's name must match his personality

Right!

So how is my personality?

I'll explain

A poet once wrote...

Irony of mismatched names...

No poetry, please! I've something to say

Who says 'What's in a name?'

If you don't get the right one, what a pain

Mr Burns is in fact so cool

With violence alone Mr Peace does rule

His name is Mr Fox But has no bushy tail

"I love you Jaggu"

One whole ton is the weight of Mr Flower

At his mere sight, the poor chair does cower

Very nice... very nice

Here's a bunch of cards with different names

Pick the one you like

Danduram Thatte?

- Disaster! - Next!

Tutari Singh?

Phooey!

Sarfaraz

- Sarfaraz... - What happened?

Keep going, find a good name

What's the matter?

Nothing

"I love you Jaggu"

Brother!

God is in His Heaven We mortals on ground

God is in His Heaven We mortals on ground

Nowadays He doesn't have Time to look around

God is in His Heaven We mortals on ground

Whatever may happen here He does not reprimand

Thousand evils, million wrongs He does not take a stand

Plundering is all around Bombs come to hound

A terrorist outfit has claimed responsibility for the blast

They say this was a mock drill

Persecute our people, and real war will follow

We shall protect our God

Where are you going, Tipsy?

On the show

You don't have to

I must. More than ever

'The Final Question' Welcome to our special show

in which we meet Tipsy...

Wait a minute

Bring it

What is this?

God says: it's a divine bead from His necklace

This man claims, it's his property

God says: build a temple

And this man opposes it

Who do I listen to? God, or this gentleman

who used to hand out these blasphemous pamphlets?

First he claimed, God is missing

Then said, God is a fraud

Next he'll say, God is dead

What do you want, son? A world without God?

Do you have any clue how people suffer?

No food to eat

No place to live

No friend to talk to

People kill themselves. Slit their wrists, jump off buildings

Why? Because they have no hope

If bowing before God, smearing holy ash,

wearing amulets, gives them hope to live,

then who are you to snatch away that hope?

And if you snatch away their God, how will you fill that void?

This man rants about Wrong Numbers

Today he must tell us: what is the Right Number?

You are right, Your Holiness

There was a time I too had no food to eat

No place to live

I cried a lot because I had no friend

I had only one hope then

God

Each day I hoped: tomorrow will be better

God will find a solution

I agree belief in God gives hope,

the strength to face ordeals

But I have one question

Which God shall I believe in?

You say there is ONE God

I say no

There are TWO Gods

One who created us

And the other whom you created

We know nothing about the God who made us

But the God YOU made up, is just like you

Petty. Takes bribes, makes false promises

Readily meets the rich, keeps the poor waiting

Thrives on flattery. Makes you live in fear

My Right Number is simple

The God who created us all, believe in Him

The God YOU created

abolish him

Yes!

You'll abolish my God and I'll keep quiet?

I know how to protect my God

You will protect God?

You!

This is a puny planet

Billions of bigger planets float in space

And you, sitting in a tiny corner of this puny planet, have the nerve to say

you will protect Him, who created the Universe?

He doesn't need your protection. He can protect Himself

Today someone tried to protect God and my friend died

This is all that's left - his shoe

Stop protecting God

Or this planet will have no humans, only shoes

A Muslim terrorist blows up a train

and a Hindu guru endures your sermon. That's nice

What's this Hindu, Muslim? Show me the label

You created these differences. Not God

This is the deadliest Wrong Number of this planet

It kills people, separates them

Like your Wrong Number separated Jaggu from Sarfaraz

- What Wrong Number? - That Sarfaraz will betray

He did betray her

- What's going on? - Hold it

You say my prediction about Sarfaraz was wrong?

Exactly!

Then prove it - prove my prophecy wrong!

Failing that, fall at my feet and admit

that you are a liar. You tried to defame me

What if I prove it?

Tipsy... don't!

Then this is yours

I accept

Turn the cameras towards Jagat Janani

I hope you will answer my questions truthfully

In Belgium you fell in love with a Pakistani boy

True or false?

Please spare my personal life

On Friday, at 3:21 pm I predicted this boy will betray you

The next day you went to the Marriage Registrar's office

but he didn't show up

True or false?

Yes, he didn't come. Please stop this

Now will you come to my feet or do I walk my feet to you?

- Sarfaraz did not betray. - Please let it go!

No. Tell us what happened that day

Please!

Just once, for my sake

I was at the Marriage Registrar's office and

a letter was brought to me

Did Sarfaraz bring it?

No. He sent it through a kid

- Was it signed? - No

How do you know Sarfaraz sent it?

It could have been for some other girl

There was another girl. With a cat, right?

She gave you the cat to hold for a while

The kid who gave you the letter- did he know you?

- No! - Did you know him?

No

Then how would he know the letter was for you?

Maybe he was told to give the letter to the girl with the cat

You read the letter, but didn't call Sarfaraz

Did you?

Because this man planted a Wrong Number - that Muslims betray

Sarfaraz didn't betray you

What's going on?

You expect us to believe these cat and bull stories?

One minute

We'll get to the truth right now. Call Sarfaraz

Hurry up!

This number does not exist

Any other number? Friend, college, something?

- C'mon Jaggu! - Belgium University

- Hello. - Hello!

I actually need to get in touch with one of your grad students

Sarfaraz Yousuf

Oh yeah. He left for Pakistan last year

Has he left a number?

Sorry, we are not authorized to give out information

This is really important

E-mail us your request and I can forward it to Student Affairs

Have a nice day dear

His Pakistan number?

- Don't know. - Think, Jaggu darling

I work at the Pakistan Embassy

His job - Pakistan Embassy, Belgium

Mitu, call the Pakistan Embassy, Belgium

- Copy sir. - Put it on the speakers

Greetings. Pakistan Embassy

Hello

A student from Lahore worked with you

- Sarfaraz Yousuf. - Is your name Jaggu?

Hello... is your name Jaggu?

How do you know?

She's called! The girl from Delhi has called

Farah, it's Jaggu calling

Mr Sayyed, hurry, it's Jaggu's call from India

On the double everyone!

Sarfaraz Yousuf calls us from Lahore, every day at 9 am

And with impeccable politeness asks just one question:

Was there a call for me from India - from Jaggu?

We say "No", and he disconnects

He's driven us crazy

Wait. I'll connect you to him

Hello...

- Mr Sarfaraz Yousuf? - Yes, speaking

- Where are you? - In Lahore. Why?

- Where are you right now? - At home. Why?

Is there a chair or a bench nearby?

Please sit down. You're about to get a jolt

Pardon me?

You have a call from Delhi

Please speak here

Hello...

Sarfaraz...

Jaggu...

Hello...

.. hello Jaggu, what's the matter?

Had you come to the Marriage Registrar's office?

I had, but you had left

Why didn't you call?

I got your letter. You'd said, 'Don't contact me'

I knew you were under family pressure

But deep down I knew, one day you would contact me

What took you so long?

I am sorry. I had your Wrong Number

Just got the right number from a friend

Thank you son

Here, hold this

Tipsy! You're taking batteries home?

- Don't get them there. - So many! For what?

Back home, I'll listen to the sounds I've recorded

What sounds?

Earth sounds - crows, traffic honking

Up there, you'll listen to cars honking?

Now and then - when I miss this planet

Hey, wait! There's one more bag

Forget it, Tipsy!

You kidding? It's stuffed with batteries

Wait!

Driver... please stop!

Everyone on your planet has stick-out ears?

And they roam around naked?

Why are you staring? Something on my face?

I was in tenth grade, when I wrote my first poem,

for Papa

They say my Mom I resemble. I say possible...

Poetry means sparse words, soaring thoughts

Pal, you're really cute

Here's to the teetotaler called Tipsy

Who says "What's in a name?"

No tape had sounds of crows or traffic honking

Every tape had just my voice

I love you Jaggu

Got it!

He sure made me run!

Tipsy, what's in these tapes?

Told you - crows, traffic honking

Every night, when your planet rises, I'll play these tapes

And wave at you. Like this

Will you wave back... now and then?

Haven't you recorded my voice?

Your voice?

I think I have... that one poem you recited

One poem? That's it?

I'm not exactly in love with you..

.. to waste all my time over you!

He didn't look back. Not once

He was hiding his tears

One thing he learnt from us. One thing he taught us

He learnt from us how to lie...

.. and taught us how to love

He loved me enough to let me go

He came here naked. As children do

Asked a lot of questions. As children do

And then one day...

.. he went away

Four billion miles away

He left me two parting gifts

Sarfaraz

and Papa

Till I live... every night I'll look at his planet and wave

I'm sure, he'll do the same

I miss him

Fellow astronauts, prepare to land on Earth

Remember the four Earth Survival Commandments

One: Do not roam around naked

Cuddling, making love etc. must be done in closed rooms

But fighting, making war etc. is allowed in the open

Two: Beware of language, it's confusing

If Earthlings say, 'I love chicken and fish,'

it doesn't mean they love animals,

but that animals are on the lunch menu

The gap between thought and speech is our topic of research

Three: On landing, find dancing cars for clothes

Hide your remotes deep in your underwear, safe from thieves

Four: the mother commandment

If anyone says: I'll connect you to God,

dump the research, take a U-turn and run for your life

Come, don't be afraid

What are you goggling at

- I have a question. - What?

On your last visit, how often were you whacked?

- What's this? - Self-defense!

Safety gadgets?

- Let's go. - Not there! This way