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- Hello? - Craig? I saw her again.

At the beach this time.

- Who? - Her.

- Her? - Her her.

Oh, the mystery girl. So you followed her to the beach?

No. She just appeared.

looked over and there she was

On her upper lip, there was this tiny bead of sweat.

It was her only flaw and I loved her for it.

All right. Now what did you do?

How did you, Tom McHugh, take control of the situation?

How did you seize the moment and make it yours?

- I waited. - you waited? For what?

For the perfect moment.

For the moment our eyes would meet

and she'd smile at me and there'd be a flash of unspoken understanding between us.

I was waiting for fate.

Tell me something, pal.

How long does all this take?

Hey, don't rush me.

When the moment's right, I'll know.

It'll happen. It'll happen.

- Did the landscaper come? - On Wednesday.

- Dr Lunsky, Mrs Lunsky. - Craig, I thought you were in law school.

Tom. Craig's winsome younger brother.

- you win some, you lose some! - Remind me never to let you operate on me.

# If you need a Little lovin'#

Suzette, this is my son Tom.

Hi, Tom.

Tom's going to Yale to study Business.

Or I might join the merchant marines. I haven't decided.

# Oh I'll be right here at home

# All you gotta do Is pick up your telephone and dial#

I say, take a couple of years, figure out what to do with your life.

Yeah, a young man should follow his heart wherever it takes him.

Don't let us old coots dictate what you should do.

Of course, as an employer, I have a bias against hiring slack-offs.

# Yeah

4-5-7-8-9

# Call me on the telephone

3-4-5-7-8-9

3-4-5

As you all know, by this time tomorrow,

Betty and I will be in Connecticut along with a very special member of our family.

For four years, he has competed amongst the very best of the nation and

each time, he's come home a champion.

I know how grateful he is for your generous support,

but I think he could say it more eloquently than I, so what do you say, champ?

# For he's a jolly good schnauzer

# For he's a jolly good schnauzer

# For he's a jolly good schnauzer#

# Which nobody can deny

# Which nobody can deny... #

# Only child know#

Saratoga Longshot?

# But we're never gonna survive unless#

There must be a way to find out more about her.

# No we're never gonna survive unless

# We are a Little

# Crazy#

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

No, no, I canceled.

I know he's a doctor, but he's still boring.

Then you go out with him.

I'd rather be by myself.

Hang on a second, I heard something outside.

Tom, there's a couple of frozen pizzas in the icebox downstairs

and a fresh case of Bock beer.

- Keep your damn hands off it. - Yes, sir.

And don't forget about that list of chores we agreed on.

Please, get yourself a nice haircut.

- See you guys when you get back. - you bet.

Buckle up, hon.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Mom, I'm not gonna kiss the dog.

Goodbye, dear.

"Clean your room,

hang out the clothes, mow the lawn... "

- Craig. - Hey, buddy!

I thought you were in California.

Well, I decided to fly up and surprise you.

No kidding. We haven't seen you in ages.

- you know Mom and Dad took off? - Yeah. When are they coming back?

- Monday night. - Terrific.

This is beautiful.

1959 DeSoto Firesweep.

See the way it leans into the wind. That's the "forward look".

When this baby came out, the ad said, "Suddenly, it's 1960."

Wanna take it for a spin?

- Can I? - No. but you can pull it into the garage.

It's a push-button transmission.

D for drive, R for reverse.

Where's the P?

No Park. Parking brake.

- How did you get it here if you just flew in? - What?

How did you get the car here from California?

Chris Keslin drove it up during spring break. Grab that bag.

Any beer inside? you look like you could use one.

- Yeah, but Dad said... - "Hands off it!" Forget it. Tell him I drank it.

It's good to see you, Craig.

I see you've been putting my telescope to good use.

Tom, Tom!

Is the telescope inadvertently pointing at something interesting?

Is this the one you told me about? Your new girlfriend?

I'm working on that.

Tommy, come here. Come here.

I want you to look through this telescope. Go ahead.

It's pointing at a beautiful woman. Why?

Because you pointed it there, huh?

Not Mom, not Dad, not anybody else but you.

you know what you want. The hard part is over. Do something about it.

- I haven't even spoken to her! - That's all right.

That's all right.

What do you know about this girl?

She's house-sitting for some new neighbors.

She reads mystery novels. She doesn't seem to have a boyfriend.

Oh, Tom, she's waiting for you.

Fine, I'll go over and say, "Hi, I'm Tom. you don't know me,

but I've been spying on you for a couple of months

and I find you very attractive in a very hormonal way. "

Then she'll slap me silly.

There are worse things than getting slapped by a beautiful woman.

- Got her phone number? - I don't even know her name!

but you've got her garbage, right?

She's got a couple of Gourmet Lites. Couscous, grapefruit rinds.

you've got to get this girl some food.

Hello!

Tom, meet Geena Mathews.

In July, Geena bought S85-worth of lingerie at Nordstrom.

Very nice. Do you like lingerie, Tommy?

I've really only read about it.

Let's see. She reads mystery novels to escape, right?

She dreams of faraway, exotic places.

She's into surrealism.

She's trapped, Tom.

- Bingo. - She plays bingo?

Phone bill. Now we have her phone number. Let's go rescue her.

Craig...

- No, I can't do this! - Be yourself.

- I can't. - Then be me.

No.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. Geena? Is this Geena Matthews?

Hi. My name is Tom.

No, no. Tom McHugh.

That's because we've never met.

I'm a neighbour. I live on Sunnydale.

I don't name the streets, just live on them.

Listen, I keep seeing you everywhere I go.

First it was at Nordstrom, then the beach.

Then at that Dali exhibit over at the museum.

I had to call to ask you to please stop following me around. People are starting to talk.

Oh, you know, us.

Listen, Geena, to be totally honest with you,

I'm trying my hardest to ask you out.

It's gonna be a beautiful night.

It's gonna be one of those hot, tropical nights where anything could happen.

I fly back to California tomorrow.

Listen, what about this? What if I come to your house at 07.30?

If you don't open the door, I'll leave, promise. What do you say?

Great. Bye.

- We're in. - I'm not doing this. Call back!

- you just have to show up! - What if I blow it? This is too spontaneous.

- I need more time. - Tiger, tiger, come on. Relax.

Trust me, you'll be ready.

I want you to remember what Lord Olivier said about acting, "The key is sincerity. "

Once you can fake that, the rest is easy.

George Burns said that.

OK, I want you to clean it up.

but not too severe.

Think... Robert Mitchum.

N Out Of he Past

So basically, exactly like yours. Right?

Yeah.

Craig, listen, first dates don't work for me.

I hurry my jokes, I have car trouble.

Once I took a bite of pizza, the hot stuff slid off and burnt me.

Tommy, you're trying too hard.

Let her do the work, huh?

What do women like to do more than anything in the world?

Buy shoes?

Talk. They talk. So you listen.

That is the most important thing about women.

They like it when you treat 'em shitty and when you treat 'em well - they just want your attention.

Does it matter that I have 20-20 vision?

- I don't need glasses! - Hey, neither do I.

If women say they like mature guys, it means they like men in glasses.

It's the only difference.

The only problem with glasses is they fly off when a woman slaps you.

Don't flinch, take it like a man. Come off it smiling.

- I don't usually get slapped. - Really?

Happens to me all the time.

Come on.

A limo? No way am I showing up in a stupid limo!

Your convertible would be perfect. I promise I'll be extra careful.

you're right. It would be very cool.

but I can't. Really, Tom, it's been giving me trouble lately.

The top stick s, the exhaust system...

Why risk it, huh? I was hoping to borrow your car.

- My car? - Yeah, visit some of my old hang-outs.

Everything at Kory's is terrific.

Except for the wine list.

Just wave your hand and say, "A bottle of your best Champagne. "

"A bottle of your best Champagne?" How am I supposed to afford Champagne?

This is brand new.

Sign my name so the signatures match.

And I will give you some extra cash for tipping.

Always tip well.

but only when your date is watching.

Hi. I have a flower delivery for a Mr, uh... McHugh.

you're 20 minutes late... Dwight.

I'm sorry, sir. I misjudged the ride over.

I usually take a different route.

That is a beautiful car.

Don't make excuses on my time.

I have an important date planned this evening and you've fucked it up.

Oh, wow. I said I was sorry.

Well, there goes your tip, Dwight.

There goes my tip?

I hope you enjoy the flowers.

Craig?

This is insane.

What if she hates me, or laughs at me? Or pulls a knife?

- Pulls a knife? - Worst-case scenario.

Roe ax

Stick to the plan. Everything will be fine.

Remember, no woman wants to hear,

"What do you want to do?"

you have reservations and directions. Everything's taken care of.

- you need to wear this jacket. - you think so?

Yep.

Oh, no, oh, no. Don't do this to me.

I'm sorry, man! I'm really late.

Hey, come back here!

This is inspiring. you look almost like me.

It's perverse.

I gotta get going.

My wallet's in here, all right? Hold onto that. There's cash in there and my ID.

- Isn't phoney ID against the law? - Don't let the law stand in the way of fun.

you're gonna make a great lawyer, Craig.

And you're a good brother.

- Yes? - Mr McHugh?

About that limousine you ordered...

There's been an accident. We can get you another in a few hours.

No, tonight's a special occasion.

Of course, otherwise you would have rented a Chevette.

I'm picking her up in a few minutes! Now what am I supposed to do?

# No one can take this away from me

# The martyrs and madmen I learned that in school

# Will remember my name

# Some things are never the same

McHugh. Tom McHugh right here.

Hi.

- You're Tom? - I'm Tom.

These are flowers. They're for you.

- I'll put them in some water. - Just the bottom part.

Listen, Thanks for the flowers, they're great.

Um... but I wanna ask you a few questions.

Right, of course. I understand.

Tell me the name of the last novel you read.

Novel?

Yeah, a story book without pictures.

Oh, right, uh...

It's just that it was...

It was this mystery novel, Saratoga Longshot

Are you kidding? I just read that.

Really?

OK... what's the capital of Paraguay?

Uruguay?

No, it's Asuncion. but nobody ever gets that.

Um... any personal heroes?

...?

I always looked up to my older brother Craig.

but that's kinda stupid.

Really?

that's so sweet

Most guys say Michael Jordan.

Wait, I'm sitting on something.

- This is a cool car. - Thanks.

It's funny what some guys think is impressive.

- One date showed up in a limo. - you're kidding?

I just think this is more interesting.

- It's a 1959, uh, DeSoto. - DeSoto?

Yeah.

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-do

# Doo-do-do do-do do-dooo

# Do-do-do doo-do-do

Do-do-do

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-dooo

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And the world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

Um, by the way, where are we going?

It's just up ahead here. I'm pretty sure, uh...

it's a place called Kory's

# Do-doo

# Do-do-do doo-do-do

Do-do-do

# Do-do do-do do-do-do-do

# Say you're mine

# And give yourself to the feelings that you know

# I'm needing all that you can give me

# All the things that you do so well

Wow! How did you find this place?

I don't know. you just hear about places and then...

you go there.

So...

uhm...

I forgot what I was going to say.

It was something really enchanting.

Tom? Maybe we should skip this first-impression thing. What do you say?

Great idea. I've always thought fourth impressions were the most important.

First dates, people try so hard, they can't be themselves.

Yeah, I know.

It's almost deceptive really.

I mean, we spend hours making ourselves look completely different,

then we go to some dark place and can't see each other.

We drink, so we don't know if the person is interesting,

or seems interesting because they're pretending to be interested in who we're pretending to be.

Right.

So I guess there's no getting around it.

- We're gonna have to lie to each other. - Lie to each other?

Until we get to know one another.

OK. Two Cabana Coolers. I'll put that on your tab.

- Tab? - Yeah.

My tab O K

Thank you.

I've wet myself and you'll wanna call my mother to take me home.

Tom, it's all right. If this is the worst thing that happens all night, we'll live.

I'm gonna be right back.

- Hi. Stella? - Hi.

Do you have a towel?

Well. I see the old McHugh charm is overflowing this evening.

- Stella! - Ah, duty calls. I live to serve.

- That wasn't Craig McHugh, was it? - Get in line, honey.

It's his car, no mistake.

I'm gonna check it out.

- How are you this evening? - Beautiful car.

Thank you.

Shit!

- So the rat returns to his hole. - Do we know each other?

I wasn't that drunk!

How you can live with yourself, Craig McHugh!

I don't... I'm not...

Hey, Mr Romeo, I hate dick s like you.

- What did he do? - Forget it. His karma will catch up with him.

She's right. When it does, it'll kick my ass.

Hi. Do you like your drink?

- Yeah, it's kind of... - Could you tell me in the car?

What's the big hurry?

Um, I ran into some old school buddies.

- They'll bung us all night if we hang around. - Hey, you clown!

I thought that was a great place.

Yeah, yeah.

- Do you mind if we go someplace else? - No, it's fine.

Leave the girl here!

These guys, they're... kook s.

Interesting friends.

Well, you know, they're just jealous.

I mean, here I am out with a beautiful Pulitzer Prize winner.

Come on, Tom, enough lies, OK?

Absolutely. No more lies.

What happened to your face? It's red.

Oh... Oh, that. It's, uhm...

It's an allergic reaction to pineapple juice.

Uh-oh. Are those your buddies again?

No. He's from the flower shop near my house.

- Did you screw her yet? - What?

Get her drunk with my tip money?

- What did he say? - I didn't catch him.

Here!

Bang her with these!

I still can't hear him.

Hey, lady! I hope you don't expect a tip.

Argh!

He was kinda funny, wasn't he?

you're so romantic. Or do you throw flowers at all your dates?

No.

I can't wait to see what you throw at me next.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me?

Is there a washroom?

Nice form.

- Hey, nice car. - Oh, Thanks.

58? No, 59 DeSoto firesweep

- Wow. you look great with it too. - Thanks.

- Could you do something for me? - What's that?

Just kinda mean-lean against it there?

- What, like this? - Yeah. Yeah, that's great.

put the other hand right there.

- What, like this? - Perfect!

Don't move an inch. I'm Detective Condon and I am your arresting officer this evening.

- Is this a joke? - The joke is over, son.

So you're Craig McHugh, huh?

No, I'm not. He's my brother.

Your evil twin brother, right?

No, he's older. An older evil...

My brother is practically a lawyer, OK?

you may need one.

That you, Sharpie? It's Condon.

- Did somebody say "condom"? - Go ahead, make jokes.

I got him. I got McHugh.

I said to wait for backup. What's with you?

He's not armed. He's practically crying.

I want you to wait there. We're on our way.

OK, McHugh, it's time to hand over the flowerpot.

- I got flowers... - I want it now. I've got no time for this crap.

you took the vase. Where is it? The trunk?

you look in the trunk, take whatever you want. you got the jack...

Hello?

Sir?

Oh, oh...

Come on, come on.

Hi. Is everything all right?

you look kinda pale. Are you sure you're OK?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, good. Cos I'm having a great time.

you are?

Yeah.

I hate to cut our date short. but you're going to California tomorrow, right?

Yeah, right. you see, it's just that...

I'm a little worried about... about my car.

I'm having some car trouble.

I'll go pay, OK?

Did you forget something? No, it's OK

- I got it. - Can I help?

Um...

I had a nosebleed.

That's disgusting!

Keep the change.

Do you have a payphone?

On the wall.

- Hi, I'm Richard. - I'm Betty.

And that was Napoleon

We're not home, but leave your name and number and we'll call you back soon.

Craig, are you there? Pick up the phone!

Aw, shit!

Listen, I had to borrow your car. Limo didn't show up.

All hell's breaking loose.

I have two dead bodies in the trunk.

I think I should call the police, but I can't because one of them, I accidentally killed.

I've been slapped, I've been threatened by goons, attacked by a freaking' florist.

We haven't even ordered appetizers.

you said something about old hang-outs.

Meet me at a place called Club Voltaire, if you're not already there.

All right, see you there. Bye.

The flowers were great. Wonder what's next.

Next?

Uh... it's another surprise.

Hey! Hey, you shit!

Bastard.

Hey. Nah...

Six months ago, I thought this place was too yuppie.

you know what we do with cop killers in this state, flower boy? yeah? the lucky ones never see the chair!

you don't look lucky to me!

I never saw McHugh until he stiffed me for the flowers.

And then... he tried to run me off the road.

- It's the truth! - Sharpie!

- What? - I found the kid's boss.

- I guess his story check s out. - Are you sure?

I got the address where he made the delivery.

Jesus, poor Al never had a chance.

Let's go get that cop killer.

- Geena, I'm sorry. I thought my brother might... - This is incredible!

I thought we were gonna get killed.

The night is still young.

Bottle of your best Champagne.

- Anything else? - That'll be fine.

A couple of Gourmet Lites, couscous... a bunch of grapefruit rinds.

Don't these people eat anything?

Sir? The search warrant you asked for.

Good boy.

Victor? Listen to this.

- What have you got? - Listen to this.

I have two dead bodies in the trunk.

I should call the police, but I can't because one of them I accidentally killed.

- If that isn't a confession, what the hell is? - There's more.

you said something about old hang-outs.

Club Voltaire, I'm going to a place called Club Voltaire. Meet me there, OK?

Two dead bodies?

that voice was creepy Not an ounce of remorse

- Anything else, Mr McHugh? - No, thanks.

Craig McHugh?

Why? Do I know you? No

but you know my sister.

- I don't even look like my brother. - Yeah, you do.

you dress like him too. I thought you stole this credit card.

you know my brother? Have you seen him?

Upstairs.

Chinese guy.

- Tom? - Your boyfriend says he'll be right back.

Why? Where did he go?

Upstairs.

To find his brother.

Thanks.

Hello? Hello?

Craig?

If you'd like to make a call, please try again.

For help, dial the operator.

McHugh.

Tom?

Tom, is that you?

Uh... uh... no.

Are you OK?

Don't... don't come in!

It's a real mess in here.

- Um... - What is going on?

I'm coming in, Tom.

No, no! Hold on.

Tom?

What is this place? What's going on?

Are you hungry? Let's get some Chinese food.

Nervous? I don't think I'm acting nervous.

you're acting like you have rabies.

Why did you disappear like that? I mean, that's pretty rude.

you're right. you're right. I'm sorry.

I thought my brother was upstairs, so I went up there, but he wasn't.

Maybe I want to meet your brother. He's your hero, right?

- Under the circumstances, that's a bad idea. - What circumstances, Tom?

Circumstances beyond my control.

What does that mean? I don't understand what that means.

Geena, I know this is just another night to you,

but it's really important to me, all right?

Tom, you're a really nice guy...

Nice, nice. Right. I'm afraid that's my one and only quality.

- That's not true. you have other qualities. - I do?

Yeah. you're spontaneous.

And you're sincere.

- And you've got great taste. - That's not me, it's somebody else.

I'm just doing that so you won't ditch me. Besides, you forgot "funny".

I mean, I am funny, right?

Yes, you are funny.

Excuse me?

Is this your vehicle?

Uh, yes. Yes, it is. Is there a problem, Officer?

Yeah.

you're missing a tyre.

Give me the keys, I'll help with the spare.

No, no, no!

No, uh...

- Wow. - you can't leave anything around here.

Uh, well...

Why don't you watch this...? I'm gonna go get the spare.

These old jack s get wiggly.

That's a leaky flare.

I'll get this one. you close that trunk.

Have a nice night.

Stop!

Come here.

I caught you just in time. Take a look at this.

It's oil, huh?

No.

That ain't oil.

I'd say that was transmission fluid.

When it gets all red and sticky, it's time to have it changed.

OK, I'll change it.

- How about some music? Something relaxing? - Yeah.

- Tom, they took your tapes. - My tapes?

Well, this is relaxing, huh?

Driving in eerie silence.

- What was that? Is that a car phone? - Uh, no, no.

- It sounds like it's coming from the trunk. - It's...

It's a trunk car phone.

One of these jobbies you put in the trunk

then it doesn't bother you while you're driving.

Don't you think you should answer it?

Yeah, I should.

Craig McHugh was here with a date.

He kills a cop, then goes out and celebrates? What next?

Sir? There's a dead Chinese man upstairs.

McHugh was the last person to see him alive.

This guy is over the edge.

He's a psycho. Who would steal from the head of the Chinese Tong mafia?

There sure aren't many Chinese people around.

I guess it gets touristy on Saturday nights.

The Chinese are probably inside making a living.

Look at this place! We should go in here.

All right. you go in. I'll ask someone to recommend where to eat.

- OK. - All right?

Oh, no, no customer use.

I wanted to see you.

No, no, no, no! you go away. Go to Happy Moon piano bar.

Find nice boy there. Nice young man there.

Oh. No, no.

My shirt, my shirt. I need to know what my shirt says.

Oh... It's backwards.

"Look in pot. "

No, no. "Look in pot" is an old Chinese proverb.

- An old proverb? - Yeah.

It's about a young man. Very poor.

but he inherits a pot from his uncle.

Oh, it's very beautiful.

He take pot, he shows it to neighbour. "Look, look, how beautiful!"

He shines it up, he puts it up on shelf.

He never look s inside.

See, he never realizes inside it's full of gold.

So he starved, never knowing he is so rich.

you'd have thought it would have jingled around when he moved it.

Proverb! Always look inside a beauty.

Pot is only as good as what is inside of it.

See?

Thank you.

An adventure is in the air.

Like a wind from a faraway place.

Fortunes made and lost. Men in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lives changing... all because your loins led you out tonight.

It was not my loins. I was curious.

In women, curiosity is an urge that springs from the loins.

Oh, but not in men?

In men, everything is an urge that springs from the loins.

- Geena. - Ah. Speaking of the devil...

This is the one who needs his fortune told. Tell me his deepest, darkest secrets.

young man, you are an impostor!

Uh...

Look at the time! We gotta go.

- How munch do we owe you? - Sit down.

- It's free. - Take 20. Keep the change.

Beware. Beware of your false self!

Who knows when I would have found out about you?

Geena, there's something I've got to tell you.

Mr McHugh, your table is waiting.

We're really not that hungry.

Mr Lew would like you to be his guests for dinner.

Well, we could eat.

While officials will not call it a murder spree, two men are dead.

McHugh is believed to be armed and very dangerous.

Thanks.

Boy, am I starving!

We need to get out of here.

Why? you don't like this place?

A bottle of your best...

...Champagne.

Compliments of Mr Lew.

I'd like to propose a toast.

It's not really a toast, I...

Would you promise me another chance if I blow it tonight?

you're doing fine.

- So how do you know Mr Lew? - I don't.

This is a misunderstanding.

He knows my brother. And I don't think he likes him.

And you know how when you don't like somebody, you don't like their whole family?

What's I'm saying is, I don't think Lew brought us here to serve us dinner.

Your dinner. Compliments of Mr Lew.

It could be dangerous. At the very least, he won't be a congenial host.

Peking Duck, our house specialty.

If you require anything else - food, drink...

...additional companions,

anything at all,

please, don't hesitate to ask.

Your money is no good here.

Let me put it another way.

I should have said this before, but I think he wants to kill us.

What, with MSG?

I'm not kidding. I'd feel a lot better if we just got outta here.

Wait, Tom, you said yourself that this is just some misunderstanding.

Can't you contact your brother and ask what's going on?

It's what I've been trying to do.

Maybe I should try again.

I'll be right back.

We'll call you back soon.

Craig, are you there? Pick up the phone.

All right, listen.

I'm at a restaurant called Chez Lew in Chinatown.

Get here, OK? Now.

All right...

Let's see, maybe he called in.

Strange.

Call Sharpie. Tell him we've got his location.

McHugh!

I hope you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of introducing myself to your lovely companion.

At last, we meet.

you're... different than I imagined.

Thanks. Lew? Mr Lew?

James Lew.

I hope you're enjoying your meal.

May I join you?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Um... This is a really great place you have, James.

So...

It seems we share many interests.

Beautiful women, exotic cars,

Manchurian vases of the late 16th century.

Oh, right. I just saw an article on your collection.

Ah, you read.

Did you know how valuable some of those vases can be?

Yeah, actually, it's funny because just today I heard a proverb about vases.

Actually, it's about a pot.

It's about this poor guy who gets a pot from his uncle...

I know the proverb.

I don't. What's it about?

It basically says always look inside the pot.

This is just my interpretation,

but shake it up and see if there's any money in it.

Oh, so now it's money you're after.

Only yesterday, you were begging me to spare your life.

And we made a deal, McHugh.

Deal? What's he talking about?

I'm not the guy you made the deal with I'm not Craig McHugh, he's my brother.

Let me guess. Your evil twin brother, right?

Where is it? Where is my vase?

Listen, McHugh,

I've been cutting you a lot of slack.

I have not held you accountable for Ho Wong's "accident" because I like you.

Did you know that he killed my cousin Ho Wong?

It's our first date. We haven't had munch time to open up to each other.

He's modest. He told me it was all in self-defense.

Fine, I understand.

He was probably sent to kill you. Come to think of it.

but Mr McHugh, enough is enough.

Don't you realise who you're dealing with here?

Don't you know that you will never leave this restaurant alive

unless you return my property?

Tell him you're not Craig.

What the heck is your problem?

Hey, hey, everybody, it's Mr Lew's birthday!

# Happy birthday to you...

It's Mr Lew's birthday!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you...

- What are you doing? The police are here. - The police will arrest me.

Oh, fine.

They'll arrest me because they think I'm Craig.

I'm wearing Craig's suit.

- His suit? - Driving his car.

And I'm paying for things with his credit card, so everybody think s I'm Craig.

Gee, I wonder why.

Look, just stop the car.

Would you stop the car?

We're not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what's going on.

Where are your witnesses?

McHugh blew in, threw a party for Lew, then took off.

- I didn't know McHugh was a friend of yours. - I didn't know you wanted to meet him.

We should all get together and go bowling some time.

All I know is it's something to do with this vase of Lew's.

I think Craig might...

- I think he stole it. - All those cops because of a vase?

I thought he was at Stanford studying Law!

Now he's here stealing vases, he's pissing off girls.

God knows what he was thinking when he set up this stupid date!

Craig set up this date?

Wait a minute. Craig called me?

I expect most guys to lie about something.

How munch they bench-press, how many girls they've slept with.

What they expect out of a relationship, but...

but you've created an alternate parallel universe.

Look...

I wanted to call you the first time I saw you.

but it was too important to screw up by saying something stupid.

I just wanted to make a good first impression.

Tom, that's the idea. To cut through all of that.

Find out if there's anything worthwhile on the inside.

Look in the pot.

- What? - The proverb, remember?

I found it in the loft above Club Voltaire.

It was a message for my brother.

A message.

Wait, Tom. you know what that means, don't you?

Yeah, it's a metaphor.

- Beauty is in the inside... - No, no. It means that

that whatever Lew is after is inside this vase.

Look in the pot, right?

you're right. I've got to find Craig.

Wait! What is this?

- Still no answer. - I have an idea.

When I was in Retail, there was a special number we could use to verify phone numbers of checks. We can get his address this way

Yes. Um...

5-5-51-8-0-9. Craig McHugh.

Yeah. 2856 West Eastwood. Great. Thanks.

So let's go meet your perfect older brother.

It's McHugh. Tell your boss I've got his valuable family heirloom.

I stole it back from the people I sold it to.

It was even easier than stealing it from you clowns.

I've got an alibi, so no trick s.

Yeah, whatever you say.

I'll make the delivery, just call off your leg-breakers.

you wouldn't want me to get nervous and drop it, would you?

Hello?

Hello?

What a mess.

- Oh, wow! - Craig!

Whatever's inside that vase must be pretty valuable, huh?

Craig?

Oh, gee, think they missed anything?

you can learn a lot about a person from their garbage.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Here's his phone bill.

He gets his calls forwarded from California?

Oh, man, I can't believe he's been here this whole time.

Wait, let's think about this, OK?

Whatever it is, it has to fit inside a vase... Drugs maybe?

The detective said it was evidence.

What detective?

Uh...

At the gas station, there was...

this detective came to talk to me.

- He thought I was Craig. - And?

- He stopped thinking I was Craig. - Tom! Why can't you be straight with me?

All night, it's been, "By the way, we're looking for Craig and he might be in trouble. "

And, "For dessert, they're gonna kill us!"

Listen, in the trunk...

...there's the phone... That was the detective's.

- you stole his phone? - No, no! He dropped it.

- He dropped it. - It gets complicated.

- Tom! - Geena, I can't tell you everything because...

If I did, you'd leave.

Don't bother because I'm leaving anyway.

Geena... Geena!

What?!

Craig McHugh.

- How good to find you in. - I'm not Craig McHugh.

No, of course not. you drive his car,

you answer his phone, but still, you're not him.

Listen to me, I'm not Craig McHugh!

Nevertheless, it's good to find you in.

Geena!

Geena!

Geena!

This is a big mistake!

Ahh!

Inside. Move, move!

Now get in the car.

- Stop! - Get in the car!

Geena!

Tom!

Get up. Get up!

Lew, you don't know who you're dealing with.

you have until 2am to return my property.

The pot for the girl.

you know where I live.

Could you just jog my memory a little?

2am, McHugh.

After that, I can't guarantee her safety.

# I'm cooling' at a bar

# And I'm looking' for some action

# but like Mick Jagger says, I can't get no satisfaction

# The girls are all around

# but none of them wanna get with me

# My friends are fresh, I'm looking' def

# Yo, what's up with L.O.C.?

Do exactly what your big brother says, huh?

"Stick to the plan, Tiger. "

Asshole!

# Funky cold Medina

# Funky cold medhna#

Oh, you dick!

- What the hell was that? - What the hell was what?

There's somebody in there.

Want me to tell Sharpie?

Yeah. Tell him we've got McHugh.

Oh, man.

Craig, I need that vase now!

Shunt up!

I said, "Shunt up!"

Craig!

They took the tapes.

They weren't after the vase. They were after what was inside the vase.

What was inside the vase...

...was a tape.

Look, Condon, I didn't complain when you upped your price for protection.

I gave you a bonus when you took care of Scheski.

Why are my people getting busted?

This anti-drug thing is getting outta hand.

you gotta show results, Lew. you want the FBI nosing around?

Condon the detective.

All right, McHugh, we know you're in there.

He's not in there.

Listen up. Wilkins, Jesse! you guys cover Sleepy Hollow.

Carver, Mitchell, Babbling Brook Way.

Hotchins, Romano, Bonny Meadow Lane!

Simpson, Lazy Bunny Hutch!

Don't take chances. This is a war zone!

# I'm on my way

# I'm on my way

# Your lust hs getting hotter

Oh, damn it!

"James Wo Chong Lew. "

What a day! Your boyfriend has caused me no end of grief.

He's not my boyfriend.

So there is a limit to McHugh's charm.

Ben, Jerry, go get some ice cream.

Would you like anything? Food? Something to drink?

This is kidnapping. you could get in a lot of trouble.

I don't want to talk business.

I am tired of business.

Let's try to relax.

I can't relax. I'm a prisoner.

Sure you can.

you just need a little help.

Help me! Help!

- Oh. - Help me.

Hi, Craig.

- Help me! - Help you? I could help you.

On the other hand, if I don't,

all your friends, family and neighbours will call up and order flowers for your funeral.

And I can make a lot of money!

I can make a lot of money on tips...

if I still had my job!

you stiffed me for my tip.

Fine, that's OK.

you try to run me off the road... no problem!

I'm a flower boy!

It all comes with the territory.

What's your problem?

What's that? Did you say something?

I can't hear you.

Take that thing out of your mouth.

What's your problem?

you're my problem. you're my problem! you're my...

No problem, no problem.

No problem, man. I'm fine.

I'm all right.

- What are you gonna do about it? - I want a divorce!

Hi. I've got a flower delivery for Mr Lew.

Flowers at two in the morning?

Yeah, no kidding. It's some kind of emergency.

Emergency flowers?

Uh... hey, don't ask me, OK?

I think he wants to impress some girl.

OK, right, right.

The girl, yeah.

Better get on up there then.

OK.

Thank you.

- Chalk one up for the good guys. - Find the body?

Not yet. but the engineer swears he hit him.

He found this on the track s.

- Kill a cop, kiss a train. Seems about right. - Mr Sharpsteen? Be so kind?

Let's see what Forensics has to say.

- What have you got, Katz? - Strange ruminations from the trunk.

The Chinese gentleman was one Ho Wong.

A hit man for James Lew.

He was waiting in the trunk to kill McHugh. Fired a single round...

through the trunk lid here.

Mistakenly felling peace officer Albert Condon.

Wait a minute, that's got to be wrong.

McHugh killed Al.

Not so, my friend.

Ho Wong is our man. He killed Officer Condon.

Judging by the leak in the exhaust, I'd say Wong died of asphyxiation.

No, McHugh was no killer.

Hai! Hai!

2.30.

I'd say you were being stood up.

Come on.

you wouldn't want them to come and find me dead.

I don't think you realise how many friends I have in the police.

Please, sit down.

Hai!

Lew, if you do anything to me, you'll never get that evidence you're after.

Evidence? What evidence are you talking about?

Oh, I know all about it. The evidence in the pot.

So McHugh did tell you.

That's too bad.

Yours will be an honorable death, McHugh.

Hai! This sword has been in my family for three centuries.

you asshole.

Honor? Shit! I'll kill you with my bare hands.

Ah, Happy Birthday,

McHugh.

What the h...?

- Geena! - Are you all right?

- I'm fine. - Good.

Damn it, Tom! Or is it Craig?

No, it's Tom.

- You promised me another chance if I blew it. - You blew it.

Come on!

Hands up, McHugh.

Hand over the tape, Craig.

- Don't. Once he has the tape, he'll kill us. - I'll kill you anyway!

Do what you want with the window, just leave the girl alone.

Lew, move and I drop your precious pot. Lose the gun.

Go ahead!

Your boyfriend stole everything that was valuable.

He had a fence to tell him which ones to take.

Check the rest of the grounds.

Give me the tape.

Give me the tape!

Uh-uh-uh.

- I don't think so. - Now who the heck are you?

I'm Craig McHugh.

Stop picking on my brother, or I drop your heirloom.

We tried that already.

- Please. - Craig, he doesn't want the vase.

- Tom... - Craig, he doesn't want the vase!

Tom, I know a little more than you.

I set you up as my alibi... which you fowled up!

- you don't want the vase? - I have what I want.

If you'll excuse me, I have to call the police.

A thief and his accomplices were found shot here in self-defense.

- I made copies of that tape. - What tape?

- you're bluffing. - I did.

I can prove it. Give me the phone.

15 seconds.

No funny stuff, McHugh.

- Hi, I'm Richard. - I'm Betty.

And that was Napoleon. We're not home...

Look, Condon, I didn't complain when you upped your price for protection.

I gave you a bonus when you took care of Scheski.

Why are my people getting busted?

This anti-drug thing is getting outta hand.

We gotta show results. you want the FBI nosing around?

Condon.

Lie low for a few months, then we'll talk to Sharpie and Doheny and cut a new deal.

Like I said, if the FBI gets wind of this, we're all screwed.

Unbelievable. They're all in on it.

Don't like that copy? I made more.

If we don't return safely, I've left instructions for the tapes to be sent to the FBI.

No Wa t, wa t, wa t, wa t

- Great, the police. - Great, the police.

Nobody move, nobody gets hurt.

I'm glad you're here. He was gonna kill us in cold blood.

Is that right?

- We've got evidence that'll put him away for life. - you found the tape?

He's got it, but I have a copy at home.

Only two? So you were bluffing.

Kill him. Finish him off for me! Earn your payoff.

- you're the payoff cops? - The payoff cops?

- This isn't fair. - Shunt up!

- Who is this guy? - It's McHugh, you idiot. Kill him!

- I'm not Craig McHugh! - He's not Craig McHugh, I am.

- Positive, he's not Craig McHugh. - Kill 'em both.

And the girl. One of them must be McHugh.

McHugh's already dead.

In fact, he died a hero.

One of your pals killed Al.

Then McHugh killed him.

Then you, you killed McHugh.

And now, Lew, I'm gonna kill you.

- Kill me? - That's what I said!

you kill for me. I say who kills who. Kill them.

And while you're at it, kill yourself.

They're getting away!

Freeze!

Nobody move

- Drop your weapons. you're under arrest. - For what?

Bribery, extortion...

...and extreme stupidity.

Hey, why so glum?

you could thank me for coming to your rescue.

Thanks, Craig. Thank s for everything.

- What the hell's your problem, Tommy? - What's my problem?

I spent my life being compared to my perfect older brother and you don't even exist.

you're a lying, thieving, sociopathic criminal. And I thought you were a lawyer.

Now we're splitting hairs, aren't we?

Get outta here. Take your S200 shoes, your stupid shirt.

I don't want anyone else to mistake me for the legendary asshole Craig McHugh.

- you're an ingrate. - Ingrate?

you almost got us killed.

I'm sorry. I guess I screwed up.

I put a little adventure into your lives, that's it.

Go on, go back to your safe, suburban homes.

And lock your doors and watch your MTV.

but I'll tell you this munch,

when you're old, sitting on your wrinkled asses, there'll be one night,

one date out of your whole boring lives that you'll remember and it'll be tonight.

Oh, Tommy?

Don't tell Mom and Dad, all right?

I... want my tip,

Craig.

Hey, no problem...

...Dwight.

you're very strange, you know.

I still don't know a thing about you.

Good night.

I have some questions before I say good night.

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-do

# Doo-do-do do-do do-dooo

# Do-do-do doo-do-do

Do-do-do

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-dooo

- Hi, I'm Richard. - I'm Betty.

And that was Napoleon.

We're not home, but leave your name and number and we'll call you back soon.

- Tom? Napoleon won! He's champion. - Best dog in the show.

We'll celebrate when we get back.

Maybe let you have a beer Napoleon wants too talk to you

Here, boy.

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And the world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

# And the world seems to disappear

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-do

# Doo-do-do do-do do-dooo

# Do-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do-do

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-dooo

# Girl say you're mine and give yourself to the feeling that you know

# I'm needing all that you can give me

# All the things that you do so well

# Words are healing sweet anticipation

# Making spells as the shadows close in

# And fall across all our yesterdays

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And our world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

# And our world seems to disappear

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And our world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

# And our world seems to disappear

# disappear disappear

# disappear disappear

# disappear disappear disappear

# Doo-do-do doo-do-do

# Do-do do-do

# Doo-do-do do-do do-dooo

# Do-do-do doo-do-do

# Say if I could

# Look into myself and reason

# But I could never never see

# Or make sense of the dealings

# Turn around am I looking at salvation?

# Make me realise all that I am baby

# You put the light inside this man

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And the world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

# And the world seems to disappear

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And the world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears

# And the world seems to disappear

# You're so fine lose my mind

# And our world seems to disappear

# All the problems all the fears