All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0607 - If I Could See Me Now

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As God is my witness...

...I will never drive anyone in
this family anyplace ever again.

All I get from you are complaints.

I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.

Get some glasses, Dad.

For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.

You're overreacting. Ask anyone.

Fine. Buck?

I'm telling you,
I do not need glasses.

My vision was checked
in the fourth grade and it's perfect.

Then how come you missed
that big sign?

One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street."

No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad.

Daddy, I have never been
so scared in my life.

I thought I was gonna die.

Worse than that, I thought
I was gonna die with my family.

How uncool is that?

We didn't go all the way
into the river.

Close enough to hear
the fish hacking.

Come on, Daddy, why don't you just
break down and get some glasses.

I mean, what are you afraid of? All it
says is that you're blind and old.

Dad's not old.

I mean, he can still do everything
he used to.

See him sitting there?

Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.

And it never occurred
to anyone here...

...that I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?

Now, I'm going to prove my prowess
by reading TV Guide.

"TV Guide."

There. Any more doubters?

Who's on the cover?

Raymond Burr.

It's Delta Burke, Dad.

Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.

Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.

- Well...
- Yeah.

Now, where's
my remote control?

Glasses, eh?

What the hell's wrong
with this thing now?

You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.

Well, she was in a food coma when
we left, so she should be awake soon.

I'm hungry.

Yep, right on time.

Well, I guess it's time
for a trip on down to Cake and Cow.

Damn remote. Kids, get me
some batteries while you're out.

Hey, is...

Is...? Is Al busy?

He's been spending a lot of time
thinking about...

...man's ultimate place
in the universe.

He must be on a break.

Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you.

I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.

I'm not allowed to watch sports
at home.

Marcie feels it's a bad influence
on the foetus.

- What's she watching?
- Chippendales video.

There we go, sports.
Good old American entertainment.

The problem with women
is they'll watch anything.

- Yeah.
- We're more selective.

- Right. Who's playing?
- I don't know.

All right.

We'll be right back with our Cuban
Little League game of the week.

This could be good.

And don't forget to order
our sports bloopers...

...that weren't funny enough to mak e
it on the 20 other tapes we sell.

And now let's have our sports quiz
for the day.

And the first caller with
the correct answer wins $100.

A hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports.

Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.

No chance.
These questions are so obscure...

...you have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.

Who played centre field
for the Chicago White Sox...

...in the '59 World Series?

Jim Landis. I know that.
That's Jim Landis.

The number is on the bottom
of your screen.

- "One-nine-oh-oh... Five-five..."
- What's the matter, Al?

- Can't you see that?
- Yes, I can see it.

There's too many
damn numbers there.

Nine-five-five...

Hello. Jim Landis.

No, I'm not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.

Jim Landis.

What do you mean fish?
Fish didn't play centre field.

Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Why would I call a fish store?

- I think you got the wrong number.
- No, I didn't.

I saw those numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

That's Fidel Castro.

That's an honest mistake.

Nobody's answered our question yet.
Someone should know this.

We're gonna flash the number
one more time.

- Got it.
- Jim Landis.

Hold everything. We've got a winner.

- My name? Jefferson D'Arcy.
- That's my money.

I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.

Daddy, what happened to our door?

A young man went through it.

Daddy, what are you doing?

What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.

Turn it off for a second.
I wanna talk to you.

The sports question
is about to come on.

This will only take a minute.

Now, I wanna talk to you
about glasses.

I don't need glasses.

No, Daddy, you do not want glasses.
And I know why.

You don't want glasses
because you're vain.

Because you're feeling old and ugly.

You don't want to be called
a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy...

...professor, dorko,
Poindexter, Magoo...

- Let's see, what else?
- Goofus.

No, that's more if your ears stick out.
You know...

Go away.

I'm not done yet, Dad.

Now, let me tell you a little story about
a boy I used to date in the fourth grade.

He was very handsome.

A tight little butt,
big blue bedroom eyes.

This was in the fourth grade?

Well, he was left back a year.

Hey, Dad, who played
for the Celtics...

...called the best sixth man
in basketball?

- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.

Go ahead, pumpkin.

Anyway, this guy was great.

He was the most popular boy
in the school.

- And then one day, he got glasses.
- And you liked him anyway.

God, no, I dumped him right away.

He looked like an idiot with glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.

Ruined his life.

I think he ended up in an institution
or something.

It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know.

- Is there a point to all this?
- Yes, there is.

Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses...

...then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.

For to see is more important
than to be.

You're never leaving home, are you?

I don't think so.

We have a winner.

The answer to our quiz
was Frank Ramsey.

Congratulations today's winner,
Bud Bundy.

Well, let's go out
and get old Dad some glasses.

What for?

So I can see the expression
on your face when I'm choking you.

- I can't.
- No, you do have to.

I don't wanna be a Poindexter.

Relax, Dad. You know,
plenty of cool guys wear glasses.

I'm Wally.

Please don't want me, I'm married.

Good, then there's hope
for my brother.

Now, Daddy,
show him your prescription.

Can you see me?

Just give me some glasses.

Of course, sir.

You just go through our veritable
myriad of hip and trendy frames.

Mine, for instance,
are from our Casanova line.

You know, I get more chicks
than my friend who's a dry cleaner.

Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.

I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.

You lie.

I mean, the shirt, the pants
and those shoes.

Now surely, those are no accident.

No, no, on clothes I'm confident,
but I need help with the glasses.

See, I'm counting on you guys
to help me...

...pick out something cool
yet understated.

Count on us, big guy.

Buck...

...may I present the man
with the goo-goo-googly eyes...

...Specs Bundy.

I can't believe how cool
I look, eh, kids?

Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?

This is how the young Redenbachers
must feel.

Hey kids, watch this.

TV Guide, s'il v ous plait.

There he is, big as life,
Raymond Burr.

It's Delta Burke, Dad.

Delta Burke, Raymond Burr,
city of Seattle. What's the difference?

Now, who wants to take a ride
with Daddy in the car...

...and read some billboards
from very long distance?

Wow, you mean a chance to cruise
in the dad-mobile?

Listen, Dad, if we pick up
on some chicks...

...will you put your sunglasses on
and say, "You is one fine woman"?

Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if
we can cruise by some of my friends...

...and you stick out your teeth
like a horse and go:

"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."

So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?

Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.

You know, you people reek.

What's bothering you is not that
I have glasses, but that I'm happy.

Well, get ready for a life of misery...

...because I shall continue to be happy
with my new twenty-twenty vision.

Now, I'm about to go out...

...and partake of some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.

If you need me,
I'll be at the nudie bar.

Yeah, babe, well, I guess
old Grandmaster B...

...can fit you into his schedule.

Let's see, how's Friday at 9?

Well, 10's okay too.

Well, look, it doesn't
have to be Friday.

Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.

Well...

Well, do you have any idea when
hell is supposed to freeze over?

Hello?

There, there, Cross-dresser B.

Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B.

I didn't mean to insult you,
Grandpappy B...

...but I do have something
that might cheer you up.

You make customer of the week
at the free clinic again?

You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B.

Anyhow, I was doing
a little research...

Well, actually I was talking to
the girls about how ugly you are.

- And it came to light
that Mother Nature...

...has yet to play
its cruellest joke on you.

Now, we knew, way back when,
when you were a baby...

...that you'd be like Dad
and be bald when you're 20.

But guess what.

Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.

Now, just so you're not surprised
when this happens...

...we worked up a little
computer composite of you at 30.

You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25...

...but I don't have
a large enough piece of paper.

Thank God, Dad's home. That should
end the cruelty in this house.

How's it going, bottles?

You know, kids, eyesight is a curse.

You can see everything.

My car, for instance. Have you ever
noticed how ugly Daddy's car is?

Well, you gotta catch it
on the right day.

You know, the sun
glinting off the rust...

...the cloth that you use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...

...as it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.

Yeah, well, try to explain my job.

Now let me tell you something...

...people who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses...

...should not have
twenty-twenty vision.

I saw things on human legs today...

...that would have put a white flag
in Schwarzkopf's hand.

- And you know the worst part?
- You actually saw your paycheque?

Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.

Anyhow, every day at 3:00...

...I see this girl that works
at the aerobics shop.

You know, she flirts with me,
I flirt with her.

It's nothing, but it gets
you through the day.

Anyway, I always thought she was
pretty, but today I saw her...

...and she's 40.

I mean, 40. I mean, she's old.

But Dad, you're over 40.

Yeah, but I'm a guy,
so it's totally different, I mean...

No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.

Well, did she like your new glasses?

Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?

Then I come home.

Home? I mean, look at this place.

Look at that furniture, look...
Look at that table.

What the hell is this?

That... That's Mom, Dad.

Oh, this is just too much.

And look at me.

I got wrinkles.
Now, I never saw those before.

What happened
to the top of my head?

I'm an old man.

My life is really over.

There.

I feel better already.

Al Bundy's back.

Where's my remote control?

You know, kids, this is a lesson.

Now, I may not see too well.

I may kill a few people on the streets
and occasionally drive into a river...

...but it's better than looking stupid.

You know something?

I feel younger already.

I didn't think there was this much
action on Designing Women.

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