Original subtitles

Gosh, their goalie got lucky, Dad.

Yeah, the goalie was lucky you kept kicking it right to her.

I think the last time you kicked to her,

she just went, "hey, thanks!"

Will you two please stop arguing?

And what about the girl that stole the ball from you?

Why is she still walking?

"Great game, honey." "Hey, thanks, Dad."

It's called being nice, damn it!

Listen, you're playing at a high school level.

You gotta punch up your game a little bit.

Okay. If you think you can do so much better,

then why don't you just dress up like a teenage girl

and join the team?

If I took the trouble to dress up like a teenage girl,

I'm goin' out!

- You shot some video of that game. - I did. Yeah.

- Would you hook up the TV, please? - Okay.

I want to see that last penalty kick.

Really sorry I missed the game.

Why couldn't Eve have been a total klutz

like you and Mandy?

I like to think we all have our own strengths.

You know, like for instance,

Mandy has her keen fashion sense,

and I... am fertile.

I just hate how people get so upset

about soccer around here.

Oh, no, the game of football stirs up a lot of passion.

My father used to put a lot of pressure on me when I played.

I spit on his grave.

But I'm sure Eve won't hold it against Mr. Mike.

Okay.

Nice! Nice! Good job!

Who is that?

That is the new assistant coach, Octavio.

- He's kind of a babe. - Yeah.

- Mom? - Hmm?

Not that I'm complaining, but, um...

Did you get anything

- besides this guy in his shorts? - Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Uh...

God, no, that's--that's pretty--pretty much it.

Yeah.

Hey, did you cue that up, honey? Where's the game?

Uh, honey, you know what?

- Uh, uh, I think something's wrong with my phone. - What?

- I-it came out all grainy. It was grainy, right, girls? - Yeah.

Grainy. Oh, very grainy. Nothing to see.

Nothing but grainy, grainy, grainy.

Okay. He gets it, Blanca. It's grainy.

Honey, what's the matter with your phone?

I don't know, Mike. I'm not a scientist.

You have a PhD in geology. You in fact are a scientist.

- You know what? I just-- I wish you'd let up on Eve. - I know.

- Yeah. - She can play better than that, you know?

She's just not listening to me anymore.

Maybe you shouldn't be her coach anymore.

What about that new assistant coach?

That, uh, uh, um, um... Oktoberfest, or, uh...

- Young guy. - Octavio?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. He seems nice. Why?

He does private coaching. I could hire him to coach Eve,

and he'll come right to the house.

Uh... gonna have-- have to think about that.

You think it's a bad idea?

I just want to think about it, Mike.

Think about it. That's all.

If he was able to teach her anything, you know...

She might get a scholarship.

She gets a scholarship, y-you know, I, uh...

I could get a boat.

All right, well, if a private coach

means less of you two arguing, then--then I'm all for it.

Perfect. I'll give him a call.

I guess he does it for a lot of the girls.

Does it for a lot of the moms, too.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

I've been teaching Eve up till now.

You know, I played football in high school.

The other football--the kind people really care about.

Oh, yeah. Except for the 6 billion people

who don't live in America.

We're losing daylight, ladies.

Can we just kick some balls? Please?

His name's Octavio?

The other moms call him "The Big O."

You know why?

Yeah. Yeah.

But I would love to have my mother explain it to me.

Hey, what does he charge per hour,

and does it have to involve soccer?

My dad and I usually warm up with some stretching.

Or we can start with... Juggling.

Or some close-up magic and ventriloquism.

Uh, juggling, l-like this.

Uh, I know what jugggling is, but we gotta stretch.

You gotta...

Well, that'll come in handy

if she ever wants to be a trained seal.

Blanca, I thought you were cleaning the upstairs.

It's clean enough.

- Uh, I wish Dad would get out of the way. - Hmm.

I wish Dad would turn into a white horse,

and then the backyard would turn into a beach...

And I was just an innocent native girl collecting shells.

In a white cotton dress that billows

in every warm breeze,

and then things get nasty.

Kyle.

No, he's not there.

Hi, Mandy. Hi, everybody.

How long have you been standing there?

Since right before things got nasty.

Hey! So, what are you doin'?

- Okay, so I was at the car wash... - Mm-hmm.

And I found this little, tiny license plate

with your name on it.

Aw! I've never seen anything like that.

I got this one for me.

That says "Karl."

Yeah. They didn't have "Kyle."

But I'll know.

All right. I better go.

Okay, wait. Um...

Are you mad?

Sort of.

I mean, Kyle's a pretty common name.

No. I mean, like, aren't you a little mad

that you caught me staring out the window,

drooling over a gorgeous guy?

God, Mandy. That's your father.

No! Oh, my God! The other guy!

Oh! Yeah, the guy in the shorts.

That adds up.

All right. I better go.

If I'm late, Mr. Alzate makes me clean out

the filter in the indoor trout pond,

and then for the rest of the day my hands are all trouty.

S...

Huh. He doesn't mind.

Mm. What a nice guy.

What a jerk! He catches me lusting after a hot guy,

he's all, like, chill about it?

Why isn't he furious?

Mm, Kyle was never the jealous type when we were dating.

Once, a guy slipped me his number.

He and Kyle still talk.

You know, your father used to be insanely jealous.

If a man said I was beautiful, he'd yell, "No, she's not!"

My boyfriend likes me to look at other men

and get all worked up.

It's a time-saver for him.

He's gonna be very happy tonight.

Good job!

Way to pick the corner.

I-if I may make a suggestion?

Oh, yes. I'm glad you're not out of them.

Or we could just let the guy who played soccer

all his life do his job.

That may, in fact, be the problem.

All he knows is soccer.

Sometimes to really understand something,

you need a fishing analogy.

Uh, Mr. Baxter,

I know you've been coaching Eve for a long time--

Yeah. When I started with her, she couldn't even walk.

Yeah. But maybe if you let me take it from here.

You're not kicking me out of my own yard, are you?

No, of course not.

Eve, let's finish this lesson at the field.

Sorry, Dad.

Mr. Baxter, could you toss me that ball?

Oh, sure.

Not supposed to use your hands.

I'm surprised you didn't know that.

Wow! Who's that tall, cute guy in the sexy hip waders?

That's just a display.

I was actually talking about you, Kyle.

Hey, listen. I--

I just came by to apologize about that thing--

Me and Eve's soccer coach. That was wrong.

Yeah, don't worry. Didn't bother me.

Yeah, I know.

'Cause you keep saying that, but I want it to.

Um, I mean, come on.

I was, like, fantasizing about another guy.

Yeah, but, Mandy, we all have fantasies.

You know, sometimes I like to imagine myself

stretched out on this king-size bed

with some cold peach iced tea and a bologna sandwich...

With mustard. No. Mayo.

You know what? Both. It's my fantasy.

Or maybe the reason

that you're not jealous is because

you don't really care about losing me.

I would hate losing you.

But...

If you and Octavio really wanted to be together, then...

I wouldn't want to stay in your way.

I want you two to be happy.

I... I don't want to be happy.

I just want you to be jealous.

I'm sorry.

I don't want you to be sorry. I just want you to be jealous!

- I apologize. - Oh, my God, that is the same thing as being sorry!

- Why can't you just be jealous?! - Will you just calm down, Kristin?

Did you just call me "Kristin"?

I don't know.

It makes sense, though. I used to date a Kristin.

Kyle, you just called me

the name of a former girlfriend...

Who's my sister.

Not cool.

How would you feel if I called you Brandon,

or Travis or Tyler or Greg or Ashton...

Or the other Ashton?

Actually, I wouldn't mind being called "Tyler."

I'd wear fancy clothes and, you know,

give everyone finger guns-- "hey!"

Oh, my God, I hate fighting with somebody

who won't fight back!

Now I've gotta go be mad for the both of us!

Come on, bologna, take me away.

- Oh, hey, Blanca. - Hey.

You know, you don't have to cook. You can go home.

Oh, but Mr. Mike asked me to stay and make dinner.

Oh, he must have forgotten that I was gonna make dinner.

Yes, that must be why. He forgot.

Mike, what-- what are you doing?

Looking for Eve's game on your phone.

Yeah--no, honey, I-I told you it didn't come out.

It--it-- I know, it was grainy, but you got something here.

- Did you hear what Octopi told the coach? - Mnh.

He told Eve's coach that she's supposed to play defense.

You know what that means? Defense?

It's de thing that goes around de house?

Not everything is a joke, honey.

She's gotta play forward. She's gotta score some goals.

And I'm looking for where she did that penalty shot.

It's in here somewhere.

There, there, there. Look here. Look here.

Yeah. See, watch her go around.

Look at how she does--

What are we-- what are we doing?

Why are we looking at this guy's butt?

- Move around--it-- - Yeah, you know, it's-- it's Octavio.

He just--he just kept getting in front of me as I--

Why are you zooming in on his ass?

I don't know, honey. I'm not a scientist. Just--just--

I'm gonna fast-forward past this--

there we go. Right here. Watch her score here.

She shoots it over to that Janice girl, right?

She centers it up, she shoot-- watch this, watch this.

Get a penalty--you gotta shoot over this way.

Shoot over-- it's a perfect kick, score!

And thank God this strange European guy--

he got it all. Look at this.

What is this?

Uh, you know what, honey? I don't know.

I'm sorry. I got distracted.

I-I don't think you were distracted.

You were spot-on, honey. You really zeroed in.

Oh. Octavio.

Uh, come in, come in.

Uh, gosh, I wish I'd known you were coming. I--

Yeah, she would have made herself 20 years younger.

I've come to get Eve for our practice.

Why does she need to practice to stand around on defense

and watch other people score?

Oh, she told you I want to move her to defense.

Well, you know, in soccer,

every position is equally important.

Oh, stop with your European socialist hoo-hah!

This is America. We celebrate superstars.

We want her to be Huey Lewis, not The News.

Well, I'm sorry, but she'll never be Huey Lewis.

Oh, no, wait. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait--yeah.

Eve has always been really good, so--

And we think scholarship, maybe the Olympics.

Okay, let me put this in terms you can understand.

If soccer was fishing,

Eve would not be good at... fishing.

I'm afraid there are no scholarships for her.

So what I'm saying is...

Let her play for the joy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're Baxters.

We don't do anything for the joy.

Well, I'm sorry to say, that's true.

- We bust our ass around here to be the best at things. - Yeah.

And clearly if you don't think that she has the skill set

to do that, I'm just gonna get another coach.

But-- I think it's best.

Okay. Well, I'm sad to hear that, but...

Okay.

Please tell Eve I enjoyed our private lessons

and I'll see her at the game.

Uh, you'll see me at the game, too, Octavio.

Uh, I'll--I'll be there Saturday. Just...

You know, if you were 20 years younger,

you could just chase him down.

Oh, shut up.

- Maybe Octavio is right. - Huh?

Maybe it isn't such a good idea to push Eve.

It's always a good idea to push.

You know who didn't get pushed?

Who?

Exactly. You never heard of 'em. Why?

Because they didn't get pushed.

You know what?

I'm just trying to be realistic.

I don't want Eve to get her heart broken.

I am being realistic.

I'm gonna be the proud parent

watching her in the Olympics playing soccer there,

probably sitting by myself with an empty seat next to me.

Come on. Who are we kidding? It's women's soccer.

There's gonna be a lot of empty seats.

Look, I just don't want her

to have unrealistic expectations.

I mean, n-not everybody can be a rock star

or a supermodel or... a geologist.

Because, I mean, hey, we're rock stars, too.

It's not funny on your license plate bracket,

and it's not funny right now.

What are you gonna tell Eve when she asks

why you fired him?

Eve's tough. She'll get over it.

She's a Baxter. We don't care what people think about us.

Yeah, which you prove every morning

when you go out to get the newspaper in your underwear.

Or, as Mrs. Green, our neighbor, refers to it as,

the best two minutes of her day.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

You know, everybody's life has failures,

but the test of your character

is how you respond to those failures.

When life knocks you down, you don't lie on the canvas

crying and overeating like Al Gore after the 2000 election.

Boy, he blew up like the Hindenburg, didn't he?

Look, you gotta get up and start swinging.

Michael Jordan got cut as a sophomore

from his high school varsity team.

Don't know if you're aware of this,

but that wasn't the last time he ever played basketball.

J.K. Rowling had "Harry Potter" turned down

by a dozen publishers.

Did she Quidditch?

Not on your life-itch.

Abraham-- Old Honest Abe--

had a long string of political losses.

But did he ever give up? No, he did not.

He did get shot, however.

Oh, great!

I guess I don't need to see that movie now.

You gotta-- pau-pause it for a second.

Pause it. All right. I need an end to this.

Like, "Winning is everything" sounds stupid. Uh...

Oh, how about, um...

How about "Never give up. Never surrender"?

I like it.

Never give up.

Never surrender.

Those are some wise words, Mr. B.

You know, uh, Mandy and I have been going through

kind of a hard time.

But I think I'll take your advice

and not give up on our relationship.

Well...

I think that does give me an idea for tomorrow's vlog.

"How to bury a young man in your basement."

Uh, oh, Kyle. You're looking for me?

- Yeah. Mr. Alzate, um... - Yeah?

I'm having some... lady problems.

What, like cramps?

Uh, no.

Mandy and I are having some romantic problems.

You said we could talk.

Oh, yeah. Fire away. Go ahead.

Not in here. Please.

He's uncomfortable with conversations

about his daughters and their lovers.

Come on.

Okay. Okay. Go ahead.

So, Mandy and I were in the middle

of a very passionate moment yesterday--

Hey! Guys, I can still hear you.

This is real life, Mike. You can't ignore it.

Now, come on...

- Anyway, in the middle, I got confused... - Uh-huh.

And accidentally called Mandy "Kristin."

Oh... no. Ouch. That's a bad move, son. No.

You see, when a man is in the throes of intimacy

with a woman, you've got a lot on your mind, right?

It's best to stick with nonspecific names.

All right. Such as, uh, "You're so beautiful, honey."

"That feels wonderful, darling." Huh?

"You keep doing that, I'm gonna have to buy you

a condominium, princess."

You see?

- Okay, but, um, we weren't in any throes. - Hmm.

Uh, we were having a fight.

Well, the same applies to fighting.

Yeah, yeah, "calm down, honey."

Uh, "that gun might be loaded, darling."

Yeah.

"That naked woman in the shower with me?

That's my plumber, princess."

That's good advice.

- I really don't like fighting. - Mm-hmm.

You know, if Mandy and I pull through this one,

never having another one.

Solid plan.

Dad?

Hey. What's--what's going on? I just got a text from Octavio

saying that he's not gonna give me private lessons anymore.

Yeah, that's because he's a European surrender monkey.

He said that you fired him.

He didn't put up that much of a fight.

Well, why would you do that? I was really learning a lot.

Because I want somebody in your corner

that believes in you.

What do you mean?

H-he...

He didn't think that you have what it takes

to get a scholarship playing soccer.

He said that?

He also said you were no good at fishing.

Listen, Eve. No, hold on a second.

Honey, this is what I was afraid of.

See, now she's crushed.

Well, she's gonna have to toughen up.

- Listen, just because oxymoron doesn't give her a gold star... - It's Octavio!

We both know who we're talking about.

Well, maybe now she can play soccer

just for the sheer joy of it.

- "Joy of it"? - Yeah.

Screw that! I don't do anything for joy around here.

I'm a Baxter. Come on, Dad, drive me to the field.

Wait, wait, wait. Eve, honey,

are you not upset about what Octavio said?

Well, yeah, I'm really upset.

That's why Dad and I are gonna go practice some penalty kicks.

Gonna show that euro-dork what's up.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's Michael Jordan right there.

That's no Al Gore.

- I am proud of you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now let's move it, old-timer. You want a boat or not?

- I'm getting a boat. - Mm.

Thank you.

He just left me 5 bucks on a $10 tab.

- Yep. I get it. - Mm.

Men love you, Kristin.

Can't forget you, Kristin.

Constantly calling out your name--

"Kristin, Kristin, Kristin!"

Well, I do wear a name tag, so...

Did I do something to you?

- No. - Are you sure?

- Yes. - Eh...

It's nothing.

What?

The other day...

Kyle and I were, like, really going at it,

and he called me "Kristin."

Really?

Yes.

Whoa.

This is kind of an awkward sister moment.

Yeah.

Kind of a "yay, me" moment...

But still awkward.

Well, it made me feel awful, so...

Well, it shouldn't. What Kyle did is only natural, okay?

You know, he and I had some pretty intimate moments.

Wait. Stop. No. No.

We--we were fighting.

- What? - Yeah.

Like, really going at it. Like, "rrr!"

I was screaming at him,

and he was all, "calm down, Kristin."

Oh. Wait a minute. So, you were screaming at him,

and he immediately pictures me?

So?

So, that's not exactly flattering to me.

Oh, my God, of course!

That makes so much more sense! Yeah.

'Cause...

Like, I was being a real bitch, so naturally he thought of you.

Glad to help.

Come on, Kris, you gotta admit, you could be

pretty hard on Kyle when you guys were dating.

Yeah, I guess I was.

Especially when he would say something dumb, which...

Doesn't bother you, because you're...

Compatible.

Thank you.

- Hey... honey. - Aw.

I came to apologize again.

Princess.

No, listen, Kyle.

I'm the one who should be apologizing.

Looking at Octavio like that wasn't very respectful.

He's probably used to it.

He's gorgeous.

No, I meant not respectful of you

and our relationship.

So I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

Would you please just accept my damn apology?

Apology accepted, Kris...

Uh, princess.

Ooh, while you're at it,

you might want to throw an apology Kristin's way.

Why?

So, I'm bitchy, huh?

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com