All language subtitles for I m Dying Up Here - 02x08 - Now You See Me Now You Don t.web-deflate

Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

- I'm getting married.
- I always had a soft spot

for men who could make people laugh.

- How soft?
- Schlosser agreed to let

you two make a pilot
as part of Saul's deal.

Was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop by

and introduce myself to your
son that you never mentioned.

I tried talking to Eddie.
I need to apologize.

- You need to leave.
- I have a son.

What kind of person walks
away from their own child?

I blew my audition taking care of you.

I don't know when I'm
gonna stop doing this shit.

Who do you think I lost my virginity to?

A comic, when I was 15.

You tell me who you're talking about.

Roy!

I don't want to be this anymore.

I don't want to be Roy Martin.

Have you seen a man, tall?

Oh, fuck. Roy!

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

You, uh, get a hold of his daughter?

Eh, she's skiing, some college thing.

She doesn't know nothing.

You okay?

Right. Um, I'm sorry.

- Oh, Zeidel.
- Hm?

I need the keys to the Caddy back.

Hm?

He's embarrassed.

Licking his wounds somewhere, huh?

Yeah.

Bam, biscuit, all right,
welcome back, listeners,

to "Kenny in the AM."

And I'm here with comedian Nick Beverly,

who is not a morning person.

Would you say that's correct there, Nicky?

Um, could I get some more coffee?

All right, sure, let's do that.

And how about a little
sugar, Nicky, to wake you up?

What are you thinking, one lump or two?

- Uh, just black.
- All right, black it is

for comedian Nick Beverly,
who looks like something

the cat thought about dragging in,

reconsidered, and just went about his day.

Kenny, I have known you for a long time.

- Right.
- I understand the need

- to be on.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm going to ask you to just
take it down a notch, okay?

Every time you open your mouth,

it's like the Mexican
soccer team scored a goal.

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry there, Nicky,

but that's a big "no can do,"

because this is "Kenny in the AM"!

Not "Kenny, Post Mortem."

Nicky, let's talk about
your decline, shall we?

Word on the street is you're doing a lot of

couch surfing as of late.

What's that like for someone at your age?

You know, Kenny, I'm in
between couches right now.

I'm sort of doing a back to nature thing.

A lot of park benches and, uh,
bus stations, things like that.

You know, doing a real Henry
David Thoreau sort of deal.

I don't know, I've been
really into this idea about

trying to survive in
hostile elements, you know?

Uh, historical change,

or you know, natural decay.

But hey, maybe that's hard to fathom

if there isn't a kazoo or a
slide whistle backing me up.

Oh, bam biscuit, you are...

- You.
- What?

Okay, we got a SIG alert,
so stay tuned everybody,

for Harvey in the Sky with traffic.

♪ Traffic and weather ♪

Thoreau, really, is that what
the fuck we're doing here?

Any chance of you upping your energy?

- I don't know.
- Jesus fucking Christ

there, Nicky.

This show is about getting people to work.

Not back into fucking coffins.

Do you ever think that
people might just want to,

you know, just ease into their day?

They don't want some coke-addled parrot

being shoved up their fucking
ass first thing in the morning?

Can someone tell me where the
funny fucking comics are, huh?

Can someone please tell me where to find

the funny fucking comics?

No.

- Oh, that's the one.
- Really?

I don't know, it seems kind of...

- Sad?
- Yeah.

Pathetic? The embodiment of stupidity?

Desperation? Narcissism?

- Kind of.
- Yeah, that's the one.

No, this is the one.

I mean, this is the most
representative of the evening.

Don't let it hit you too hard, buddy.

Well, it's a fake. Roy
gave me a fake Rolex.

- What?
- No way.

That would mean that
Roy was a huge asshole.

I tried to pawn it. Guy
said it was worth 40 bucks.

Can you believe that? 40 fucking bucks.

Ed, I don't think you're going to find

a less sympathetic audience right now.

Oh, right. Definitely blame the iceberg,

because that marriage was unsinkable.

Oh.

Let me guess, you still can't find him?

No, that guy was my bread and butter, man.

And that's not saying a lot.

I think I'm just going to
have to get back my shifts

at Donimirski's.

Do you need money? I'll give you money.

No, thank you, but I already
live here for free, so.

No, come on, I'll just float you

till you get back on your
feet. There's no shame in that.

I got to agree with Ron on this one.

You know, I'm all for a step or two back,

but Donimirski's?

Shit's like the next state over.

Look, it's temporary, okay? And I just...

I want to do this one by myself.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

I mean, I understand the whole

pull yourself up by your bootstrap thing,

but what's the harm in
a little financial aid?

Plus, I don't want the house smelling like

Poland's doing its laundry
every time you come home.

Hey, Ron, why don't you focus
on cementing the memories

of your latest brush with
mind-blowing stupidity

and let me take care of me, okay?

My boss is a real jerk.

I hate being his assistant.

I have to make tea for him every morning.

He's never once said thank you.

- He's a tea drinker?
- Yeah.

Hey, Cameron, does he have a private stash?

Imported, Earl Grey. Comes in a tin.

Okay, listen very closely, Cameron,

because this is what I want you to do.

Tomorrow morning, I want you
to go in a little bit early,

I want you to take that tea bag out, okay,

and I want you to fold it up real tight,

and tuck it up under your manhood.

You are going to let it steep there

for about 15 minutes, my friend.

Get a brisk walk going, do a few squats.

Whatever it is that really
gets the Cameron essence

going, you know?

And I want you to take it
out, you're going to add

some boiling water, you're going to smile,

and you're going to serve.

Is this the old family recipe there, Nicky?

Thank you so much, listener.
All right, everybody,

stay tuned because up next is sports,

with your very own Matt Ravelich.

"Jock Talk" coming up.

- Nicky, that was a good show.
- Cool.

I mean, it started off slow,

but the people really seemed to dig

your angry
down-and-out shit.

I mean, personally, I wanted
to hook a fucking car battery

up to my nuts every time
you opened your mouth, but...

Phone lines don't lie.

Yeah, I think someone said
there was going to be cookies.

- Are there cookies?
- Hey! Cookies!

Get the guy some fucking cookies, please!

Nick, you like doing this?

Um, I don't know, yeah. Thanks.

What do you say you fill
in for me a couple days?

- Uh...
- No, listen to me.

My old lady's going to fucking kill me

if I don't take a couple days off,

so I'm thinking I pop up
to San Francisco with her.

We see what's cooking up in the lab.

Hello, ha ha.

Nick, you're going to love doing this.

You get to choose any guests you want.

The shmucks behind the glass
practically do everything,

and this asshole right here

will even write your jokes for you.

- What's it pay?
- What's it pay?

I'm sleeping on people's fucking couches?

The station will take care of you, Nick.

I don't know, you really
think I'm that good?

Of course not.

But you're decent enough
not to fuck up my show,

and you're shitty enough that the people

will be glad when I return.

- Shim sham.
- Nicky!

There we go, baby.

I like beard. Masculine, good.

Ah, thank you.

I like old Eddie hair
better. Less homosexual.

Yeah, hey, gotcha. I
really do appreciate this...

- More things.
- Okay.

Shoes falling apart. You get new ones.

Oh, well, you know...

I sort of made a vow to myself

that this would be my
last pair of waiter shoes.

This restaurant, not Valley Forge.

Oh, and Eddie, I'm sorry.
No more comedy here.

Only folk singing.

Yeah, well, I don't think
there ever really was

comedy here, Grajca.

I'm just saying,
your black television show

needs a redheaded white male.

No, no, dude, you're going
to blind people at home.

Well, if it isn't my two
favorite people and Bill.

- Ah.
- Oh, hi, Nicholas.

William.

Heard you on "Kenny" this morning.

- Oh?
- Yeah, you were fucking awful.

Yeah, man, nobody wants to contemplate life

first thing in the morning.

That's a post-masturbation activity.

- I don't know, I liked it.
- Oh, please.

The only reason you liked it is because

he's been inside of your body, okay?

If you had any objectivity,
you'd call it what it was.

Ear rape.

Well, congratulations, Dawn.

You get to be my first on-air guest.

- Now look at that.
- Wait a minute.

- You got a show?
- Mm-hmm.

"Kenny in the AM." Only
I'm going to call it

"Nicky and the Why The
Fuck Am I Up So Early?"

- Wow.
- Yeah, he's taking a break

for a week, he asked me to
fill in... begged, really.

He's going to take a whole week
to do coke out of the studio?

- Hurt!
- I will see you tomorrow

at eight o'clock.

Boys, I'm sorry you didn't make the cut,

but we do have some lovely
parting gifts for you.

Oh, thank you, I love those.

It's so quiet, you can hear the drug use.

Heard you this morning.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

You have some thoughts
you would like to share?

Your zest for life is contagious.

It'll be awfully nice if
those people got their drinks

before the valet handed them their keys.

Thank you. What are you up to?

- Just heading out.
- That's what I thought.

- Seriously?
- What?

It wasn't him.

Are you going to do this with every comic?

Not if you tell me who it was.

It was a long time ago.
I don't care about it.

Just let it go.

I would have taken a bullet for you then,

just as I would take a bullet for you now.

Hey, Eddie. I got something for you.

No, I'm not really hungry, man.

No, it's not food.

Scott Woytowich? Who the hell is that?

Agent over at CMA. TV guy, covers writers.

Says Newhart's show is looking to staff.

I mentioned you working for Roy Martin;

he was all over it.

That's fucking crazy, man! Thank you.

Oh, okay, okay.

Um, this is a little uncomfortable, Eddie.

- You know?
- Thank you, man.

Eddie.

A job and my fries?

Thank you.

Don't... don't make it a thing. Get the...

So basically, it's a game show sketch

where white people try to convince us

they've suffered just
as much as black folk.

Yeah, it's called,
"You Think You Got It Bad?"

Yeah, and I'll be the
host. Jimmy Jam Johnson.

That sound good. Y'all got it written up?

Like, eight pages. You
know, it's a little rough,

but it's definitely something.

I'ma split. But I got places to be.

Hot date?

Everything ain't about dating.

A girl can have other places to be.

We got to do a sketch about that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why didn't you come over?

Oh, I don't know, I guess
I'm just not really...

Sure where I'm welcome anymore.

Oh, Cassie, they're still your friends.

I don't know, you ask me,
this is a self-imposed exile.

You punishing you.

- That certainly fits the bill.
- Just lighten up on yourself.

Hey, do you want to get out of here

and go get a drink or something?

Shit, I can't. I got plans.

- Okay, another time.
- Yeah.

- You cool?
- Yeah, we're good.

No, um, I'm asking, are you cool?

Oh, um...

I mean, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, you're cool.

Come on, you're cool.

I'm cool.

How about The Exorcist, if
it was a little black girl?

- Oh, shit.
- What's up?

Oh, I got to go. I'm dropping by Gloria's.

She's working tonight, so
I'll catch you tomorrow.

- We got an early start.
- Yeah, whatever.

Shit starts shooting soon.

♪ Well, I tried to forget you ♪

♪ Oh, I tried, oh, I have ♪

♪ We had a love that was a good thing ♪

You've got some serious
moves there, brother.

Hmm, a little bit, you know.

And you stopped at a florist for me.

Okay, truth be told, it was a gas station.

It was either this, or a pack of Slim Jims.

You almost ready to go?

Actually, I have some big news to share.

- What's up?
- Maurice's girlfriend

is having a baby, and uh,

that means I'm going to be a grandmother.

- Well, congratulations, baby.
- I know, it's big news.

Shit, so what we doing staying here?

Let's go celebrate.

Listen. Not tonight.

They're waiting for me at the house.

They're going to have to
move in with me for a while.

So there's a lot to talk about.

I'm sorry that I didn't call sooner,

but I just found out myself.

Can I take a rain check?

No, I feel that.

Any chance of it raining tomorrow?

We'll see.

Just sorry you had to
drive all the way out here.

You know you're always
worth the trip, Gloria.

Come here.

I'll call you tomorrow. Get you some rest.

You're going to need it, grandma.

Everyone looks so happy.

Yeah, this is the only place
in LA where you're welcome

if you're black, brown, and gay.

You don't exactly blend in.

Why, because of what I'm wearing?

If someone asked me to
dance, I can dance, right?

It depends; are you any good?

Uh, wait till you see.

Okay. Oh, another thing.

- You see that light?
- Yeah.

That thing lights up, it means a raid.

You see a guy, grab him and start dancing.

If a guy grabs you, act
like he's your boyfriend.

That works?

It's like musical chairs.

You don't find a seat, you could wind up

with a billy club at your neck.

- Well, I don't want that.
- Right.

Hey, Cassie, this is my friend, Alvira.

- Alvira, Cassie.
- Hi, I'm Cassie.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

Cass, grab us a table.
I'll get some drinks.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

How you know her?

Oh, she's a comic from the club.

She's straight.

- Straight?
- Mm-hmm.

The hell you bringing her here for?

Well, she going through a
tough time, needed a night out.

Well, ain't you the dyke
with the heart of gold.

What's your problem? You aren't jealous?

Hell, no.

I was hoping you was hitting on her.

Otherwise, you were just ashamed

to introduce me as your girlfriend.

Shit, you keep on nagging me like that,

I'm going to introduce you as my mother.

Alvira, it's a joke.

Oh, my God.

I feel like I should tell
you I'm not a lesbian.

Right, no one here is a lesbian.

No, no, really, I'm
sorry. I'm not a lesbian.

Then what the fuck are you doing here?

So, I suppose you heard about Roy.

I heard he's missing.

Well, he's headlining here
all week starting tomorrow.

At least, he was supposed to.

I thought maybe you'd like to step in.

Me? Not Adam?

Yeah, you.

What do I get?

What you usually get for headlining.

- Roy gets the door.
- Roy headlines in Vegas.

He's earned it. You've done Carson.

And so, there's a rate for that,

but it does not include the door.

Well, that's wrong, and you know it.

Wrong is a concept you're
barely acquainted with, Billy.

None of you comics.

You express outrage where
you should feel grateful.

You only want what's not been offered,

and you take what isn't fucking yours.

So don't talk to me about wrong.

At the end of his set, he goes,
"And I'd like to introduce,

Mr. Eddie Zeidel."

And I come back on stage for a second time,

and he does it to me again.

- Oh.
- Mm-mm.

- Oh, fucking nutter.
- Oh, tell me about it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Four
is my limit, thank you.

Are you still writing for Roy?

Um...

Yeah, you know, whenever he needs me.

- Sort of on call.
- Mm-hmm.

So, uh...

What happens next?

Yeah, we'll take your sample packet.

- Okay.
- And I'll call Fred Davies.

He runs Newhart, and we'll
tell him how much we love you.

How you're exactly what he's looking for.

Smash cut to a parking space at MTM.

Well, I might need to
smash cut to a car first.

So, I come home,
and my albums are scattered

like, everywhere, with these huge scratches

gouged into them. I mean, who does that?

Freaking madness, right?

Well, you know, if you think about it,

madness is really, uh, sanity,

just, you know, without the filter.

Wait, you slept with her sister.

- Yeah.
- And you calling up in here,

whining because your Deep Purple albums

got a couple scratches in them?

You're lucky you ain't my boyfriend.

I wouldn't be scratching no albums.

Your manhood would be hanging
from my rearview mirror

like a pair of fuzzy dice.

Oh, that would make for
one ugly air freshener.

- Hang up on this fool.
- Sorry, you heard the lady.

Bye-bye, Doug from Santa Monica.

- Bye-bye.
- Oof, wow.

- Wow.
- How?

- He don't love her.
- No.

Doing the deed with
your girlfriend's sister,

that ain't love.

You don't need no "Love is not banging

"your girlfriend's sister" comic
strip to figure that one out.

- The "Love Is" comic strip.
- Mm-hmm.

The little naked couple
with no private parts

who keep telling us what love is.

Yeah, it's easy to tell people what love is

when you have no genitalia.

Try throwing some reproductive
organs into the mix,

then you see how complex it is.

Exactly.

Yeah, hey, uh, let's take another caller.

KROQ listener, you are on
with Nicky in the Morning,

and... The Crack of
Dawn. Uh, who do we got?

Alvira, South Central.

Hi, Alvira from South Central.

I've learned you've got to be willing

to be who you really are to get love.

Oh, sounds like someone's
speaking from experience.

Yeah, I'm talking about my girlfriend.

Mm, girlfriends. Had a few of those.

What did she do wrong?

Well, she's a lesbian, through and through,

but she acts like she's a
tourist when she out with me.

So she's closeted, is what you're saying.

Well, got one foot out.

She brings a girl from work to a gay club,

then introduces me as her friend.

- Ouch.
- Hold up.

Maybe she needs more time.

That pressure only going to make her run

farther and faster.

She can run as much as she wants,

but she can't run from herself.

And you're going to be the
one to make that call for her?

- How about you support her?
- Mm.

You know, maybe it isn't
about your time table.

So how long am I supposed to wait?

My support only goes...

Uh...

Sorry, Alvira, looks
like we lost you there.

Uh, hey, after the break,

it's traffic and weather, so stick around.

Well.

She really got under your skin.

I'm hungry.

You know how I get when I'm hungry.

- Gloria.
- Hey.

I got the house to myself.

What time you coming over?

Adam, I never said for
sure that I was coming over.

Oh, come on, Gloria.
Just play hooky with me.

Wait a minute, are
you actually playing hooky?

Me? No, no, no, no.

It's just a figure of speech.

Uh-uh, do not blow this. Do you understand?

Okay, look, Gloria, I'm not blowing this.

Me and Ralph been going day and night.

I just thought that maybe
a day off might be good.

You know, to get the
creative juices flowing again.

Maybe recharge, how about that?

And since you've been putting
in so much work lately,

I just felt like maybe we could
recharge together, you know?

Come on, Gloria, look.

I know that you're about to be a grandma,

but that don't mean you got
to start acting like one.

You're too much, you know that?

Just come and have some
fun with me, please.

Okay, okay.

Yeah. Cool.

I need you to leave, please.

- If I had a nickel.
- No, I'm serious, man.

Gloria's coming over, and I
just want a little one on one.

You cool and all, but you
not exactly atmosphere.

What... what the fuck are you doing?

My morning skinny dip.

Put your Mexican jumping bean away.

Edgar, you got 30 minutes,
and then you need to be

the fuck out of here, all right?

- Come in.
- No, I'm serious, man.

You ever seen a naked man before?

Jeez.

He'll be coming late, but I talked to him,

and he'll definitely make an appearance.

I will take him for five
minutes if Carson can spare it.

Well, just keep the drinks
and the adoration coming,

and chances are, he'll make a night of it.

Oh, thank you, Mitch.

Well, I have a 12 noon
tee time with Johnny.

Yeah.

Basically, I'm there to raise
everybody else's self-esteem.

Thank you so much, Mitch. Oh, oh, hey.

Tonight, Ali and his
entourage are going to be here.

Why don't you stop by,
huh? They're always fun.

Muhammad Ali, well, you
won't get a fight out of me.

- Hey, you.
- Hey, Mitch.

Jesus, what?

- Well, I know it wasn't Bill.
- What if it was Bill?

- Or Edgar?
- Manny?

Or Ralph or Gabe or Al.

What are you going to do? Ruin them?

They cower when they see your shadow.

Where's the sport in that?

I am not going to ruin anybody.

I am your mother, and I
need to know what happened.

Okay.

- I'll give you a hint.
- Mm-hmm?

Mitch?

Bullshit.

Mitch is my friend, and
he's older than your father.

Even Mitch's wife won't screw Mitch.

Well, you wouldn't admit you believe me,

even if you did.

Meaning?

You'd never jeopardize your in with Carson.

I don't believe you.

Got to admit, it'd be pretty
inconvenient if you did.

Because you've always been
so reliable in the past?

My 15th birthday.

We had a reservation at Musso and Franks.

I was waiting for you here
with some of the comics,

and you were at the Beverly Wilshire

trying to convince Carlin
to do a New Year's Eve show.

You kept pushing the reservation later.

Mitch was having drinks with someone.

We went outside, smoked
a joint, and then...

No.

Well, why would you do that?

Because it was my birthday,
and you weren't there.

He was.

Rough me up.

Yeah?

- How's that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it, that's it.

That's it, slap me.

- What?
- Slap me.

- I'm not going to slap you.
- Come on, fucking slap me!

- I'm not going to...
- Come on!

- What are you waiting for?
- Whoa, whoa, hey.

Just like...

Okay, I'm, uh, sorry...

She was talking about me.

Who was talking about you?

That caller.

Alvira.

She's my girlfriend.

And not...

Not telling anybody...

Pretending...

It's like poison.

Fuck it.

What if you did...

Tell them the truth?

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll disappear.

And all they'll see is that.

Yeah.

_

Mm.

_

Mm.

Hey.

Oh, hey, man. Lunch already?

Well, I'm a little early.

I just wanted to check
out the menu, you know?

It's lobster bisque day today.

You know it's commissary food, right?

Lobster bisque is basically cream of pink.

Ain't no lobster in there for $1.99.

Yeah, well, either way,
I'm fucking starved.

Adam threw me out before
I could have breakfast

because Gloria's coming over.

- Say again?
- Gloria, yeah.

He wanted to be alone with
her, so he asked me to leave.

This motherfucker told me he was sick

so he could have sex with Gloria?

He did sound like he had a nose thing.

Save it, Edgar.

Well, let's not jump to conclusions, okay?

She's old; he could be reading to her.

This thing shoots in four weeks,

and this motherfucker
is fucking his wom... mm!

These are the perks of our work.

So you glad you skipping school now?

Mm-hmm.

You are a cool grandma,
though. I'll give you that.

The coolest thing my grandma ever did

was kill a damn alligator with a shovel.

Now, that's pretty fucking cool.

But you need to stop
with that grandma shit.

Mm, age ain't nothing but
a number anyways, right?

Well, that's when it's your age.

- Mm!
- That's... oh!

Damn.

You ever been to Hawaii?

Yeah, many times.

Yeah, well, I ain't never been there.

First thing I'm going to do when this money

start coming in, is I'm taking you.

And you being there already,
it's going to be perfect,

because you can show
us exactly where to go.

- You got big plans, don't you?
- Damn straight.

What the fuck?

Sorry ass motherfucker!

Eddie, where are new shoes?

You look like man with shopping cart

who always want to use restroom.

Oh, I know, Grajca, I know,

I said I'd buy a new pair of shoes,

but there actually might
be a little change of plans.

I buy you shoes, you pay me back.

I think I might have a writing job.

It's nothing certain,
but there's a good chance

I might not be here long.

Wear those shoes, very good chance.

I know, Grajca, but if you
can just give me two weeks,

I promise you, if nothing happens,

I will buy a new pair.

Weeks? Shoes dangerous.

What if you trip, fall,
break neck, spill soup?

You know, there's a little
bit of a mixed message

on where your priorities lie.

But I promise you that won't happen.

In Poland, we have saying.

"Jak cie widza, tak cie pisza."

How they see you is how they perceive you.

Your ass in here dressed like
a geisha girl, this some shit.

Ralph, just calm down,
man. It's just one day.

We've been going nonstop ever
since this shit got picked up.

They all one day; we need
every single one of them.

What did you think this
was going to be like?

- We shoot in four weeks.
- Exactly.

Four weeks, man.

Come on, half of the sketches
are already written up.

- You know that.
- Half the sketches.

Half ain't shit, Adam! What?

Oh, you think this town give
a shit about your dreams?

About your voice? About
you being the next Pryor?

This is a fucking business.

And if you don't treat it like a business,

you're going to be out of it.

I take this shit every
bit as serious as you do.

Really?

Are you sure we talking
about the same shit?

Apologize, man.

- No, Adam...
- No, Gloria.

Fucking apologize.

You need to back up off me, Adam.

I brought your ass along, man.

Adam, it was a shoebox
full of scrap papers.

I meant no offense.

Okay, so,

I went to a lesbian club the other night.

Yeah, and I got asked to dance right away,

which does not happen
to me in regular clubs,

I will have you know.

Yeah, the whole night
really got me thinking,

and I think it might be
time for me to get sober.

Penis sober.

Now, I know what you're thinking,

which is what I was thinking, which is,

lesbian sex is just a couple girls

in matching PJs having a tickle fight.

But, I'm here to tell you,

those ladies like to get down, okay?

Now, that's someone you should
pay attention to or what?

Hey, I love Cassie. But, that material.

Oh, no, no, no, she's just
flapping her wings tonight.

She's got plenty of material
for The Tonight Show, huh?

It's not me; it's Johnny.

He doesn't care for female comics.

He thinks it's vulgar for the
fairer sex to talk like men.

Why, thank you, darling.

Mmm-mmm-mm.

They have great ones, fantastic.

Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck
me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

- Customer that way.
- No, Grajca, I can't.

You don't understand, I can't wait on him.

Well, he wears shirt, he
wears shoes, you serve.

No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand,

I just met this man for a job this morning.

This man knows me as the guy
who writes for Roy Martin.

Not as a... Not as a waiter.

What difference? Is honest living.

No, I... you said so yourself.

How they see you is how they perceive you.

And if this guy sees me as a waiter,

you can kiss the writing gig good-bye.

Eddie, you're the only waiter here.

Do job please.

- Grajca!
- Do job, Eddie.

- Grajca!
- Zz!

Zz!

Fancy meeting you here.

Can we get a couple of iced teas to start?

Just the iced teas for now.
We're going to need a minute.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Two
iced teas, coming right up.

Thank you.

Guy has no idea who I am.

I'm glad your secret
identity as waiter is safe.

Give it up for Cassie Feder.

Oh, hi.

Phew.

So you're a lesbian now?

What?

I took you to my place. To my world.

I didn't say use it for some bullshit set.

Oh, okay.

Are you upset because I used
something that I experienced

- and put it onstage?
- Oh, you experienced?

Five minutes on the dance
floor grinding on some dyke

makes you a lesbian?

Tell me, Cassie, what the
fuck did you experience?

Uh...

This is ridiculous. I
don't know what to say.

I don't have to explain
to you how this works.

No, no, no, no, no, tell
me, what did you experience?

You've been shunned by
your friends and family?

You ever walk around
every minute of every day

with a time bomb inside of you

that can erase every trace of who you are?

Yes, I fucking have.

You are not the only one
with secrets, my friend.

Everybody got secrets, Cassie.

There's a big difference
between having one and being one.

- Everything good?
- Yeah.

You guys make the best pirogies.

Anything else I can get
you? Dessert, coffee?

- Just the check.
- Right.

Kind of late for coffee,
especially considering

the four you had at breakfast.

What are you?

Are you some kind of Amazing Kreskin?

You... you... you really
have no idea who I am?

Um...

Eddie Zeidel. Adam Proteau's friend.

We had breakfast this morning, right.

Me, you, Bryan Watson, you're CMA,

We met about the opening
on the Newhart show.

Right, exactly. It's... I'm sorry.

It's out of context. I couldn't place you.

Well, I really must have
made some impression.

No, you... you were great, we loved you.

I mean, you write for Roy Martin.

Of course I remember you.

You're a funny guy.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

What?

There is no Newhart show for me, is there?

Look, cards on the table.

Adam Proteau is going to be a star.

So you know, he tells me his friend

needs a gig, I'm buying breakfast.

Oh, okay, so what you're
basically telling me

is that this morning was a total waste

of both of our time.

No, I'm not saying that at all.

Now you're on my radar.

Right.

And how long does it go
from being on your radar

to something actually happening?

I... you know... I... uh...

I don't know. I really... I don't know.

Um...

I'm not the Amazing Kreskin, either.

Hi. Let's...

After you, okay, okay.

Thank you.

And I'm in a long distance
relationship right now,

because that's the way

that most of the women I date prefer it.

I don't understand why
long distance relationships

get such a bad rap, right?

Because, if you think about
it, every major religion

that we have is based on a long
distance relationship with God.

Right, and no one ever gives you grief

for being in a long distance
relationship with God, right?

No one's ever like, wait,

you're in a long distance thing with Jesus?

But you guys, you can't
talk, you can't touch.

Sometimes, Jesus just like,
disappears for three days.

He's like, hey, I'm actually back.

I'm actually not dead.
I could never do that.

He's good.

- Yeah, he's good.
- I mean, he's not great.

But you know, this place is a kiln.

And he's a ball of clay

waiting to get fired into a pot.

A funny pot.

All right, guys, that's my
time. I'm Brendan Sibler.

Up next, it is my honor
to welcome to the stage

the very funny Bill Hobbs!

Hey, how about that? Brendan
Sibler, you guys, huh?

You know, a little bird told
me that I'd be performing

tonight for the greatest boxer of all time.

So whoever has the ashes of Rocky Marciano,

please raise the urn
over your head right now.

Where are you?

No, of course, I'm kidding,
because right now, tonight,

ladies and gentleman, you're
in the presence of greatness.

The greatest, the champ,
Muhammad Ali is right there.

You know, champ, I read
some of your poetry.

There's one thing you're not
the greatest at, huh? Oof.

The only thing worse than your poetry

is your military service record.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just kidding.

Please, please don't hurt me.

I have a family that doesn't
like me, please, please.

Muhammad Ali, you guys.

Yeah.

Oh.

- That's delicious.
- Yeah.

My mom taught me.

She used to work for this
lady that showed her how.

Said that the secret was
a little bit of nutmeg.

Mm-hmm.

You miss your mother, huh?

Yeah, I think about her all the time.

What I would do for her when I made it.

I'm sure your happiness is reward enough,

because, you know, that's
all any ever mother wants

for her child, their happiness.

- You should know, huh?
- Yeah, it's not easy

raising a man, and I raised two.

- First one was my husband.
- Oh!

We were 18 when we got married.

Didn't know shit from
shinola, the two of us.

And then, boom, Maurice came along.

And I did the best I
could with both of them.

- Well, I'm sure you did.
- God knows I tried.

I gave it all that I had.

And I don't want to do it again.

You...

You saying you think
you got to raise me too?

No, not exactly.

It's just, I've already
been to Hawaii, you know?

Exactly, that's why you the perfect person

to go with, baby. You know everything.

That's why I'm the exact
person not to go to Hawaii with.

You need to see that with
your own eyes, not mine.

Are... are you dumping me?

Shit, Gloria, okay, fuck Hawaii.

We can go somewhere
neither of us have been.

No, you're missing my point.

That's not what this is about, Adam, uh...

I'm too old to be a
part of your adventures,

and you're too young to be a part of mine.

I'm about to be a grandmother.

That's what I'm doing right now.

So... so, you're just done with me, huh?

Just like that?

No, I'm just being honest.

This is what's best for both of us.

Oh, come on, that's bullshit, Gloria.

- No.
- We got something, you and I.

What you scared for, huh?

I don't care about no age difference.

This is not real, Adam.

This is a fantasy.

For both of us.

What's real is that opportunity
that you have with Ralph,

that you brushed off this
morning to play hooky with me.

Don't you see how dangerous that is?

- It was just one day.
- Fantasy is never one day.

Let me tell you something,
there's pursuing the dream,

and there's living in one.

And I think that it is time for both of us

to wake up.

Thanks.

- Hey.
- Funny set.

Oh, I thought the Jesus
stuff kind of shit the bed.

The only thing harder for a comic to hear

than he bombed is that he killed.

Yeah, maybe.

Um, could I just get a Coke for me, please?

- Thank you.
- You're not hungry?

I'm always starving after being onstage.

Um, I'm just like, a
little light, right now.

Plus, I got stuff at home, so.

I'll spot you. Gina.

Can I get another burger and fries, please?

- Thanks, man.
- Sure.

It's kind of fucked up,
when you think about it.

A hard night's work, and you
still can't afford to eat.

- Oh, no man, it's...
- Come on.

You make a couple hundred people laugh.

They all buy drinks.

And Goldie rakes it in off your talent?

And still won't pay you?

Well, it's like she says, it's a school.

Oh, Mitch, thank you for stopping up.

That Muhammad Ali.

I love having him in the club.

- "Thrilla in Manilla."
- He's an entertainer, right?

- He's amazing.
- One for the road, thank you.

Enjoy. Um...

- What?
- Oh, jeez.

I'm no good at this cat and mouse nonsense.

I, uh, I'm just going to
come right out and ask you.

Mitch, did you fuck my daughter?

What?

- Simple question.
- Your daughter, Amanda?

- You're not serious.
- I am dead fucking serious.

Well, I think it's time to call it a night.

No, no, no, not an answer
is still an answer, Mitch.

I won't dignify that ugly
question with an answer.

It was her 15th birthday.

I was late, you were here.

- You smoked a joint.
- Where is this coming from?

Answer the goddamn question.

Hey, I watched that kid
grow up in this club.

Wandering the halls with
comics as babysitters.

You left her alone with
comics and strangers

- hundreds of times.
- It's not about my sins.

What would make you ask
me such a vile question?

Amanda, she told me what you did.

Well, then she's as fucked up as you are,

and it's no mystery as to why.

We both know you pay to enjoy

the company of young women.

Is it really such a stretch, Mitch?

Congratulations, Goldie. We're done.

You still haven't denied it, Mitch.

What rabbit hole have I fallen into?

Just tell me the goddamn truth!

See a doctor, Goldie.

Don't walk away from me, Mitch!

I'm not listening to this filth...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... I am so sorry,
Mitch. Are you okay?

What do you mean, you're sorry?

He... he didn't do it. It wasn't him.

What, why did you say that?

Because I didn't think you'd do anything.

Oh, my God, you're my child.

Of course I would, for God's sake.

Okay, oh, my God.

Look, I... I didn't think she would...

Look, I am so sorry, Mitch. I am so sorry.

Sweetheart, just go call an ambulance, huh?

Okay.

Oh, Mitch, I'm so sorry.

It was Clay.

Only Clay.

- Gold?
- Yeah?

I think I left an unfinished
scotch in your office.

Hi, Grajca.

I know.

I'm going after work
to get a new pair today.

Black tape better.

Soup special, lentil.

- Hey.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I know it's early.
- No, no, it's okay.

Come in, come in, sweetheart.

Cass, what the hell happened?

Uh, I don't want to do this anymore.

You ran out of there last night
before the applause even ended.

I'm not talking about comedy.

- With your kid?
- Not just him.

- With Eddie?
- All of it.

This fucking life.

Jesse, Eddie, Nick. I just want to...

Crawl out of my skin.

Okay, all right.

- I don't want to be here.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I just want it all to be over.

I want to be gone.

I just want it to be over.

I don't want to be here.

Shh, shh, shh, all right, Cass, all right.

Don't worry, I'm not going
to jump in front of a bus.

- Okay, all right...
- But I wake up,

and I open the curtains, and
I look at the sun coming in,

and all I can think is, "Well, Cass",

how are you going to fuck
up this beautiful day?"

Cass, you got to get out
of your head, sweetheart.

Yeah, and go where?

All this shit you're piling up on top,

you got to stop collecting
it like evidence.

Trouble hangs its hat where it sees fit,

and you just got to deal with it.

Yeah, I have been dealing with it.

- This is me dealing with it.
- I know, I know.

I know, it's okay.

You know, you made mistakes.

Real, perceived, shit. We all do.

It'd be nice...

For once...

To just have a victory.

Just one... clean...

Pure victory.

I hear you, sweetheart.

You came to the right bar.

I had an uncle.

Joel.

He was a bookie. Black sheep of the family.

Which, of course, has made him my favorite.

And he used to always say,

the best a gambler can hope
for at the end of his life

is to break even, hm?

The best.

It's that way in life, Cass, hm?

There are no clear victories out there.

It's always going to be
muddied by the day-to-day shit.

You're going to be okay, huh?

You're going to get out of this okay.

- What if I can't?
- You can.

How do you know?

Because you're sitting on my sofa,

and not in front of a fucking bus.

Hm?

Shit, man. Way to defy a stereotype.

I just stayed up all night.

Jotted down some shit.

All right, let's take a
look. Let's see what you got.

When I was 11...

I used to sit up nights
at our kitchen table.

Sit up at 2 in the morning, and try to...

Undo what was already happening.

Try to rewrite my history.

Right in the middle of it.

Undo a conspiracy I was...

I was conned into believing was my idea.

The shame and the fear that come with it...

They're powerful weapons at any age.

But at 11?

At 11, they are tantamount to death.

Not a...

Physical death, um...

A death of identity.

They say adversity

shapes us, it molds us.

But...

In the case of abuse...

It just...

It warps.

We never grow straight and tall.

Always twisted and...

broken.

Seeing ourselves through the
lens of someone else's torture

and fucked up fantasy.

Every mirror...

A funhouse mirror.

The time prior...

The last we really...

Really saw of ourselves.

Good morning, KROQ listeners.

I thought we'd start this morning off

with an inspirational tune.

Here is Argent.

"Hold Your Head Up."

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com