All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S02E06.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

to discover you still don't
have life quite figured out.

Like with Aunt Lily.

Even though she was back
from San Francisco,

she was still on a
quest to find herself.

It's just that all I've ever
done is teach kindergarten.

I want to get out there
and change the world.

I want to find my passion.

And she did find it.

I'm going to be a life coach.

In fact,
she found it again and again.

I'm going to be a
marine biologist.

...slam poet.
...beekeeper!

Not a beekeeper.

Her newest lifelong dream?

Singing in a punk rock band.

What is she doing for
money through all this?

Oh, she's been waiting
tables at Big Wave Luau.

Wait, you mean that
Hawaiian place

where they wear those
embarrassing outfits?

No.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

Welcome to Big Wave Luau.
May I tiki your drink order?

Aw, crap.

I'm sorry.

Oh, hi, Lily.
We were just in the neighborhood,

thought we'd get some lunch.
We didn't even know you'd be here.

What do you want?

Oh, I don't think that's
how you're supposed to greet

a customer at Big Wave Luau.

Aloha, island visitors.

The big wave brought
you to our humble luau.

For that, we thank you.
Or in my native tongue, mahalo.

I didn't catch your name.
Did you guys catch her name?

No.

My name is Anuhea.

It means cool and fragrant,

much like any of our
12 specialty drinks.

Robin, nothing to add?

No. Lily is my friend and I'm
not going to make fun of her

for trying to
follow her dreams.

Thank you.

Although, you might want to
bring out the big Hawaiian drum

because I'm pretty sure
today's my birthday.

Birthday girl!

Sync by vNaru

I have never needed beer
more than I do right now.

I thought you said your semester
was gonna be a piece of cake.

I remember because you were eating
a piece of cake at the time

and you said, "Dude,
my semester is gonna be this."

Yeah, well,
it was supposed to be,

but my professor's like the
toughest grader I've ever seen.

She had like a bad
divorce this summer

and now she's taking
it out on us.

To tell you the truth,
I think she just needs to get laid.

Really?

Laid, you say?

You wouldn't be into her.
She's, like, in her late 40s.

She hot?

Yeah, I guess she's
kind of hot, yeah.

And she's looking
for some action.

Sounds to me like she
could be a cougar.

- A what?
- A cougar.

An older woman,
usually in her 40s or 50s,

single and on the prowl
for a younger man.

What's a woman in her 60s or 70s--
a turtle?

Marshall, I've thought it over
and I accept your challenge.

- I didn't challenge you to have sex...
- Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

So, I quit my job.

I just couldn't
take it anymore.

Approximately 50 times a day,
some guy asks me for a lei...

Classic.

Ted, didn't you tell me they need
a new assistant in your office?

Yeah.

Somebody did just quit.

So, where should we eat today?

Oh awesome,
you brought lunch for everyone?

Dude, that is cold-blooded.

It was an honest mistake.

Look, when somebody opens up a
container with an entire chicken in it,

it's okay to assume they
made lunch for everyone.

Ted, that girl didn't quit.
You destroyed her.

It was an whole chicken.

And did I mention
she had 12 sides?

Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure.
Real classy, Ted.

So, Lily, what do you say?
Do you want the job?

What would I be doing?

Basically, you're sort of
a general office assistant.

You'll sit there.
My station is right over here.

And things are a little
bit crazy right now

'cause we're pitching a new
building to a big client.

- Oh, right, is that the...
- Yeah.

Here's the model.

You weren't kidding.
It really does look like a giant penis.

I know.

For whatever reason, Mr.
Druthers just doesn't see it.

How can he not see it?

- I mean there's the...
- I know.

- And the way it...
- I know.

- And the two little...
- I know.

- Wow, it is just...
- Spectacular?

Why, thank you.

Lily, this is Mr. Druthers,
the head architect on the project.

Lily's going to be our
new office assistant.

- Ah.
- Nice to meet you.

Isn't it?

Ted, I looked at your design
for the penthouse balcony.

Tell me,
do you want to be an architect?

I, uh... I am an architect.

Really?

Well, my six-year-old
nephew plays with Legos.

Is he an architect?

Well, not unless he somehow
passed all his licensing exams.

Ted, you've got promise.

But you have to study
what I do more carefully.

Now I want you to design
some Styrofoam trees

for the building model.

- Think you can handle that?
- Absolutely.

Good. So you're going
to design the...

- Styrofoam trees.
- Once again-- with feeling.

- Styrofoam trees.
- Styrofoam trees!

- Styrofoam trees!
- That's the spirit.

Now, gather 'round.

This isn't just about trees, Ted.
This is about life.

And sometimes in life,
you have to get the trees just right

or you're fired, hmm?

Man, that guy is
a total, well...

Okay, wait, wait, wait.
That's Professor Lewis's office there.

Okay, let's take a look.

Oh, yeah,
it's a cougar all right.

A prime specimen.

See, you can identify a cougar
by a few key characteristics.

Start with the hair.

The cougar keeps up
with current hairstyles

as a form of camouflage.

The prey may not realize
that he's engaged a cougar

until he's already
being dragged, helpless,

back to her lair.

Now, the blouse.

The cougar displays
maximum cleavage possible

to captivate her prey.

If you're watching them bounce,

she's about to pounce.

See the claws?

Long and sharp,

to ward off rival females...

or open alimony checks.

Yeah, this one's a beaut.

Okay, let the hunt begin.

Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not so sure I'm comfortable

with you hunting my
constitutional law professor.

Who do you rather have
grading your papers--

a savage,
man-eating jungle cat,

or a purring, satisfied kitty?

Go, Barney.

Go mount and stuff that cougar.

Scusi, I am Luigi,
Italian exchange student.

I was, uh, walking to class,

but then I noticed you...

bella principessa...

Tell me what you
want or get out.

Direct.

I like that.

The name's Barney.

What I want... is you.

Turn around.

My place. Two hours.

Don't be tardy.

I can't believe how Mr.
Druthers treats people.

And that building?
Talk about overcompensating.

He's not usually this bad.

It's just that the partners
have made it very clear

this project is make
or break for us,

so lately he's been
a little testy.

You know what I
mean-- crotchety.

I'm just saying it's
been hard on him.

All right stop.

- Did you show Lily your design?
- No.

- What design?
- It's nothing.

It's fantastic.

Just for fun,
Ted's been working on his own design.

And it doesn't look at
all like male genitalia.

At least,
not healthy male genitalia.

Ted, you should pitch your
building to Druthers.

Are you kidding?
He's Hammond Druthers.

He's a legend.
I'm just part of his team.

This building is
huge for the firm,

so it's really important
we don't blow it.

All right, enough.

Oh, my God. Incredible.

Hmm... C-minus.

C-minus? What are
you talking about?

I just pulled an all-nighter!

You didn't budget
your time well,

you glossed over some of
the most important points,

and your oral presentation
was sloppy and inconclusive.

Mr. Druthers asked if
you were making the trees

or waiting for them to
sprout on their own.

Then he stared at
me until I laughed.

Okay, I'm done.

Great. I'll put the paints away.
You just go show him.

Great. Thanks.

Well, finally.

I wondered whether you
were making the trees

or waiting for them to
sprout on their own.

Good one, sir.

Anyway, here they are.

- Too green.
- Too green?

Yes, the leaves should really be
more of a natural brown color.

Almost brunette.

And think bushier.
I want this tower to rise

from a thicket of wild,
ungroomed, brunette shrubbery.

Can you picture it, Ted?

I can't un-picture it.

Good.

Oh, my God.

It's gone!

What? What's gone?

My baseball signed three
times by Pete Rose.

Well, it's got to be
around here somewhere.

What do you think, Ted,

it just let itself out of its
plastic case and rolled away?

Somebody stole it.

Well, um, I better get back
to these Styrofoam trees.

Oh, who cares about the trees?

It's just busy work to make you
feel like you're contributing.

Inspiring as always, sir.

Lily?

Where's she put those paints?

Hey.

Hey. Um, Lily,
question for you.

Why did I find
Mr. Druthers' baseball

signed three times by Pete
Rose in your desk drawer?

That's easy. I took it.

Why?

It's simple.

I can't believe there's no
horseradish for the roast beef.

I guess you were sick the day they
taught that at Sandwich University.

Mother, no one from the nursing
home is stealing from you.

I didn't get you a
birthday present.

What? You gonna cry?

Little crybaby's going to cry?

Hey, everybody, look!

The little crybaby's gonna cry!

I lost my ice cream!

Okay, I may have
exaggerated that last one,

but the point is, he was mean.

And that's why I
took away his ball.

What does his ball have
to do with anything?

Druthers has to be taught
he can't behave like that.

When I was teaching kindergarten,
whenever a kid was mean,

I would take away
one of his toys.

The kid would be
upset at first,

but then he'd learn
to stop being mean.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Lily stole my boss' baseball
signed three times by Pete Rose.

Why? Was he being mean?

- You know about this?
- Yeah.

It's her own personal
form of justice.

Did you tell him about
that time at the Gap?

Oh, that was a good one.

This sales guy
was rude to Robin,

so I took a pair of khakis.

I gave them to you
for your birthday.

So I've been walking
around in stolen khakis?

I prefer to call them
"justice khakis."

That's not justice.
It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.

So is being mean.

Lily, your little system
doesn't even make sense.

In kindergarten,
the kid knew why he was being punished.

Druthers just thinks
someone stole his ball.

Well, that's why I left a note.

- A note?
- Yeah.

When he finds it, he'll understand
why his ball was taken away,

he'll stop being mean,

and the office will be
a nicer place to work.

Maybe he'll even be open
to hearing your ideas.

Look, Lil, we're all tolerating

this prolonged nervous
breakdown you're clearly having,

with the punk band and the
beekeeping and the petty larceny,

but this is my career
you're messing with.

I'm not sure I like your tone.

You know what?

Now you just lost the ball.

Hey.

I'd ask you how last night went,
but we had a pop quiz today.

Nobody got higher
than a C-minus.

I know, I know.

You claim to have so much sex.

I only assumed
you'd be good at it.

Look, I miscalculated.

I thought she'd be old and fragile,
like most cougars.

But kitty's got claws.

Don't worry though.

Tonight, I'm seeing her again.

Just let it go, man.
You're making things worse.

I promise you, after tonight,
that cougar will be my pet,

and I its master.

I think I'm falling
in love with you.

Oh, God.
That wasn't your first time, was it?

Although that would
explain a lot.

What? No. We had sex yesterday.

Oh, right. That.

Well, you had sex yesterday.

I revised my syllabus
for the spring semester.

When Druthers goes
to get his bagel,

I'll go in, grab the note,
put the ball back.

If something goes wrong,

yell out, "Who wants espresso?"

so I'll know he's coming.
Got it?

Okay, now give me the ball.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

I mean I stand by
what I did, Ted.

Come on, Lily.
We're running out of time.

Everybody get in here now!

Who wants espresso?

Now, as most of you know,

my Pete Rose, Pete Rose,
Pete Rose baseball has been stolen.

Well, I just found this note.

"Dear Mr.
Druthers, I, your baseball, am leaving.

Maybe, if you start being nice,
I'll come back.

If not, other things in your
office may follow my lead.

In fact,
I overheard your iPod talking,

and he may shuffle
off at any minute."

Normally, I would scream at
everyone until my voice goes,

but maybe that's the
wrong reaction here.

Interesting.

Instead, I'm giving my baseball
until the end of the day

to decide he's homesick,

or, tomorrow morning,
I'll begin firing three people an hour.

And, if the thief
doesn't believe me, well,

then you are gambling
more than Pete Rose--

major league baseball's
all-time hit leader,

a man whose absence from the
Hall of Fame is a travesty

to the entire sports world--
ever "allegedly" did!

Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod.

Give him his ball
back right now.

People are going to get fired.

No, they're not.
It's just a tantrum, Ted.

I saw this in kindergarten
all the time.

This isn't kindergarten.

Mr. Druthers is an adult,
and he wants his ball back.

All right, I'll give it back
if you show him your plans.

No. You'll give it
back or you're fired.

I'm sorry, Ted.
I just can't do that.

Then you're fired.

Fine.

Here's the ball.

At least you have one now.

Dude, you're killing me.

You didn't tame the cougar.
You just made her angrier.

Do you not see the
PowerBar in my hand?

I'm fueling up.

So you're going
back over there?

Oh, yeah.

And tonight,
just like John Mellencamp,

I am going to get rid of the
"Cougar" once and for all.

Get it?

'Cause that's what he
did with his name.

I can't stop
thinking about you.

Please give me another chance.

Barney, I teach all day.

It's the last thing I want
to do when I get home.

But you don't understand.
See, I've been going easy on you,

holding back, 'cause I was afraid
you'd break a hip or something.

But, this time, no mercy.
I don't care how long it takes--

days, weeks, half a year.

Fine. Come in.

You can start while I
finish grading some papers.

Hurry up.
Clients will be here any moment.

Now, slide it closer
to his chair.

I want this thing to really
smack him in the face.

Mr. Druthers, thank you again
for understanding about Lily.

Oh. Well, I pity her.

I mean, to steal from my office and
then write that slanderous note...

You might say that Lily
was mentally deranged.

You might say that, Ted.

Lily was mentally deranged.

You might even say it loud
enough for everyone to hear.

Lily was mentally deranged!

Oh! That's a bit harsh,
don't you think, Ted?

The clients are here.

Excellent. Bring them in.

Our client was a major bank and
financial services company in Spokane.

They wanted a modern
skyscraper that still captured

the distinct flavor and
history of the Northwest.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you

the Spokane National
Bank Building.

That's a penis!

That's... that's ridiculous.

There's no way this majestic
tower can be confused

with the male organ of love.

We're not building a penis.

You got any other ideas?

Other ideas?

You said you wanted
Hammond Druthers.

This is Hammond Druthers.

Well, hats off to
your ladyfriends,

but I'm not building it.

We're done here.

The trajectory of my entire
career might have been different

had I not unwittingly worn
my justice khakis that day.

Wait!

We have one more idea for you.

Ted, what are you doing?

I have another design.

Sit down, shut up right now.

No.

♪ Thank you for the invitation ♪

♪ She showed me very nice... ♪

To Ted! The youngest person
to ever design a building

over 70 stories probably!

Probably!

Congrats, Ted.

Hey, thanks for telling me
to stand up to Druthers

and pitch my idea.

Seriously, none of this would have
happened if it weren't for you.

Oh. You know what, Ted?

That was very nice.

You have earned
these screws back.

Don't sit in your desk chair
until you've put them back in.

Hey, I'm project manager now,

so, if you want your
old job back...

No, thanks.

I think I figured out what
I want to be when I grow up.

Casey, that's not
how we treat people.

You'll get this back when
you learn to be nice.

- Barney! Oh, my God!
- What happened?

He broke his hip.

That's not true.
It's just temporarily dislocated.

Seriously, I'm fine.

No, he's not fine.

Professor Lewis, hi.

Mr. Eriksen. Hello.
I graded your paper tonight.

I was pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, she was.

B-plus.

B-plus?!

Marshall, after I've gone through
my eight weeks of physical therapy,

I am going to get you that "A"!

Let her go.

She belongs out
there in the wild.

You should feel proud.

You fought the
cougar and lived.

It was an amazing safari.

I can't wait to show
you guys the slides.