Original subtitles

All right, honey, five weeks on this remodel,

and it is finally done.

What do you think?

Oh, this is the most beautiful drawing...

-Blueprint. -...blueprint...

-of a ba... -Restaurant.

...restaurant.

I'’m sorry, babe, I am exhausted, all right?

This week'’s been brutal.

It'’s the first half of the third financial quarter,

or, as we accountants call it, "the big dance."

Uh-huh. Yeah, that'’s probably '’cause none of you guys

were ever invited to actual dances.

Aw, I miss my little house bully.

Been working so much, I feel like

I haven'’t seen you in weeks.

I know. And we only have one more night

with the house to ourselves until Cooper'’s back

from writing his new album.

Ah. So...

what do you say we, uh,

go upstairs and get undressed,

get into bed and, uh...

split this sleeping pill?

Oh, my God, you'’re the best husband ever.

[laughs] Where'’d you get that?

Tina from HR, which I believe stands for Hella Rested.

[grunts] Yes. Oh, man.

Ah, yeah, that'’s pure, that's...

Hey, wait, you think it'’s okay for us

to take someone else'’s prescription?

Who'’s gonna bust us, the dream police?

-[siren blares] -Oh, my God, it'’s the cops!

Don'’t panic. Don'’t panic. Okay, uh...

Jake! Jake, relax.

-Relax. Right. Just chill. -[knocking]

Just chill, man.

-Chill, baby. -Just answer the door.

Are you Jake and Claire Davis?

It was Claire! And the drugs are in the plant!

Yes.

I remember now. This isour daughter'’s home.

Thank you, Officer.

I found these two wandering around the marina.

Same thing happened to my parents.

Make the most of their lucid moments.

[door closes]

-He'’s gone. -[sighs]: Oh.

Oh, it is so hard being fake senile.

when you'’re real drunk.

Uh, what is going on?

And... why do you two smell like an old rug

in a frat house basement?

We were out on a boat playing flip cup with our new friends

from the yacht club, and got way too hosed to drive,

so we called the cops for a ride.

That'’s your actual answer? It sounds like

you'’re quoting a line from Kid Rock'’s deposition.

Yeah, cops don'’t just give people rides.

It turns out, at our age, if you just act confused,

the police will drive you anywhere.

They'’re like free Uber.

Mom!

Oh, come on, you know? I pay my taxes.

Well, not this year, but sometimes.

We shared the back seat with the most charming shoplifter.

He said the key to stealing

was to work as a team and have the lookout distracting

-the marks. -[bottles clinking]

[fake sneezing]

[exhales]

So, who are these new yacht club friends, anyway?

Oh, we'’ve told you about Terry and the Gooch.

Terry and the Gooch?

Sounds like a Pixar movie about STDs.

They are a hoot.

They took us skinny-dipping.

-Oh, no way. -Yeah. You want to see photos?

No way.

Why'’d you two stop hanging out with your old friends,

-like the Johnstons? -GERALD: Ugh!

You mean the Yawnstons?

They are the absolute worst.

Life is just too short to hang out with lame people.

And speaking of, let'’s bounce.

Great.

Mom, what'’s in your purse?

Oh. Just a little bit of none-ya.

-None-ya what? -Claire, don'’t...

None ya business. Run, Gerald!

♪ Imagine me and you, I do

♪ I think about you day and night ♪

♪ It'’s only right ♪

♪ So happy together...

[vocalizing]

I barely slept last night.

Really? I didn'’t notice during your nine consecutive hours

of... [grunting]

I'’m sorry.

But our lives are stressful enough

without my parents acting all crazy.

And I just wish that they would text me back.

I mean, who even knows if they got home last night?

I mean, I'’d offer to go check on them, but, uh, too scared

to walk in and find out why they have a leash and no dog.

They used to be so reliable.

But ever since they retired,

they'’re acting like a couple of teenagers.

They'’re partying all the time, stealing our liquor,

getting brought home in cop cars.

I mean, what if next time it'’s a doctor car?

You mean an ambulance?

I'’m just so tired, Jake.

Look, listen, babe, look, look, if you'’re really worried,

then maybe we should talk to them, you know?

I'’ve been practicing my dad voice for when we have kids.

Don'’t you walk away from me!

I will turn this car around!

You'’re in good hands! Nope. Lost it. I went Allstate.

Honestly, I don'’t think that'’ll work anyway,

'’cause whenever my parents used to yell at me,

it just made me rebel more.

That'’s why I ended up dating so many bad boys.

I wouldn'’t call myself a badboy.

[laughs]: Nobody would.

Anyway, my clients are visiting the site on Monday,

-so I got to crank on this restaurant plan. -Sounds good.

Let'’s get some work done while we have the house to ourselves.

Guys, stop everything.

Cooper has an emergency, and it'’s more important

than whatever you'’re doing, because he'’s famous.

What is it?

My label'’s on me to record a big hit

for this summer, but I have nothing.

That'’s why I dug out some old records,

to help him find inspiration.

Now, this is the entire soundtrack of my youth.

You can pull out any album

and there is a crystal clear memory attached.

Got it. Uh, what about Blondie, Parallel Lines?

Summer of '’78, oiled up and sunbathing

on the roof of my mother'’s car.

I can'’t tell you how many times she drove to the store

not realizing I was up there.

Uh, Wayne, you'’re Cooper's manager.

I hope you'’re not suggesting

he rip off someone else'’s music.

What?! No.

I'’m suggesting he pay tribute.

Like, uh, to the Eagles.

Perhaps a song called "Hotel Colorado."

Problem is I don'’t have anything exciting to write about.

When my ex-girlfriend Sierra faked her own death,

the songs just poured out of me.

Well, we can'’t kill Sierra. The cops frown on it.

COOPER: Claire, Jake, don'’t get me wrong,

I'’ve never been happier-- it'’s just that

-living with you guys is so... -Boring?

Depressing? Lonely?

There I go again, describing my childhood.

[chuckles]

I was gonna say normal.

Um, which is what I love about being here,

but it doesn'’t exactly make for...

exciting music.

What?

What?!

[laughs]: Listen, man, if you want an exciting summer anthem,

Claire and I can help you out.

Yeah. You know what? Grab your umbrella,

'’cause it's about to brainstorm!

JAKE: You done started it now!

-Let'’s do this. Uh... -All right, uh-huh.

-So, swimming. Um, hamburgers. -Uh, sun. Summer camp.

-Hot dogs, -Okay, uh, hot.

-Buns. -Sunscreen. Sunburn.

-Um... -Melanoma, uh...

-...barbecue... -Yeah, barbecues.

-Barbecues. -Barbecues. I like that.

-Okay, barbecues. You know what? -Barbecues. All right.

-Jake, give me a beat. -All right, here we go.

-Oh. -[rhythmic grunting]

♪ Give me some burgers

♪ Everyone can eat

♪ It'’s time to barbecue ♪

♪ Girl, give me that meat!

CLAIRE: No. You know what?

Cooper, maybe you should go and hang out

with some kids your own speed,

at like a... like, a YouTube social

or, like, a Instagram club...

-[scoffs] -Shut up, Jake.

You don'’t know, either.

[chuckles] That'’s actually a good idea.

I haven'’t been out in a while. Maybe tonight I hit a club,

get a little bit wild, see if it inspires anything.

"BoysJust Want to Have Fun"?

You know what? I have an idea. Maybe that'’s the opposite

of what we need to do with my parents-- get them

to hang out with people who will slow down their speed.

Mm, Claire, I think it'’s too early

to talk about putting your parents in a home.

And that being said,

I do have some literature.

WAYNE: Uh, guys,

no offense, but you'’re being reallydistracting.

Do you mind giving us the room?

Sure. Wow.

That'’s great.

Oh, and, hey, I'’d love some. What?

Oh, did you not offer us pizza rolls?

No.

Well, could you?

No.

Jake, is the picnic basket ready?

'’Cause my parents and the Johnstons

should be here any minute.

Yep, filled it with sparkling cider

and a bunch of fancy cheeses. Oh, great.

Yeah, we got your smoky, your sharp, your creamy

and, uh, this perfectly aged cheddar

I found in the back of the fridge.

[sniffs]

That'’s a sponge. Oh.

You are correct.

Hey.

So, what'’s the big surprise?

Are you pregnant?

No, I just ate a lot of salt yesterday.

I told you, Gerald,

Claire'’s surprises are always the worst.

Remember this one?

"And guess what, guys, he'’s an accountant!"

No, our surprise is we got you...

You tell '’em, Claire.

...something you used to love to do.

We talkin'’ nostalgia, y'all.

Grab your tiny binoculars,

because we got you guys box seats to the...

[imitating fanfare]

♪ Symphony!

[disappointedly]: Oh, thanks, Claire.

Yeah, we even packed up a picnic basket

of all your favorite foods.

Oh, you really expect us to get excited

about brie cheese and a sponge?

You know, you guys used to love the symphony.

I also used to think Mel Gibson was nice.

Opinions change.

Uh, why are there four tickets here?

You guys coming, too?

Okay, we'’re-we're really only doing what'’s best for you.

[doorbell rings][giggling]

Claire, who'’s at the door?

Okay, we thought tonight would be a good excuse

for you two to get a little taste

of your pre-retirement life

by catching up with the...

Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo- Johnstons!

It'’s an ambush, Gerald, run.

What?!

Hey, hey, come on.

You guys have a lot in common.

You guys are all retired doctors.

They were foot doctors, Claire.

The dorks of the medical community.Yeah.

Their business cards used to read

"This little piggy went to medical school."

Don'’t do this to us, Claire.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnston, right on time.

[chuckles] Come on in.

Take a seat.

We were actually 15 minutes early,

so we'’ve just been waiting in the car.

We played that game where you see

who can go the longest without talking.

We tied.We tied.

Hello, Jean. Gene.

It'’s been a while.

I see that you'’re both still into

that intense, nonblinking eye contact.

CLAIRE: Um... well, hey,

Mom and Dad are really excited about the symphony tonight.

As are we.

I hear the fourth chair oboist

is using a new reed tonight.

Hey, you...

get out of town, male Gene.

GERALD: Hey, uh, Bonnie,

why don'’t you help me get Gene and Jean some water?

No straw.

Gene finds them too suggestive.

Okay. Okay. And for you, Gene?

Oh, wish I could, but I had a fluoride treatment today.

Sort of a birthday tradition.

Okay.[Claire chuckles]

Uh, can you excuse us for just a second?One second.

[both chuckle]Hey! Hey!

Hey! [yelping]

Do not run away. The Johnstons

are really excited about tonight.

Yeah, I'’m sure it's all they'’ve been thinking about

since they climbed out of their coffins this morning.

Guys, am I the only one who sees those ghosts

sitting on the couch there?

Jake and Claire

set us up on a playdate with some dry-humps.

Okay, well, have fun.

Yeah, I'’m gonna, um, go get some dinner

and head to a club.GERALD: Ooh!

Take us with you. No.

You are going to the concert with your friends,

and that'’s final.

[groans] You always let Cooper do the fun stuff.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm.BONNIE: Ooh.

All right, your parents are at a symphony.

Cooper'’s at a club. The house-- she'’s ours.

Mmm. [chuckles]

And we'’ve got that "meow meow" the narcs didn'’t "joink."

That'’s a lot of street talk for a cut-in-half Tylenol PM.

But hey, if it'’s gonna help me sleep better,

"joink" me that sweet "meow meow."

[both chuckle][knock on door]

[coughs] Come on!

Who'’s there?

GENE: It'’s Gene Johnston,

and I'’m here with my current wife,

Jean Johnston.

Hello, Jeans. [chuckles]

Where are my parents?

We don'’t know. The symphony started,

they stood up, yelled, "Play some Skynyrd,"

and then took off.

Oh, my God, they ditched the concert? Gah!

Why can'’t we just have one night? One night?

Um, do you have any idea where they may have gone?

No, they-they just said, "See ya, dry-humps."

Are you sucking out my soul right now?

Oh, they'’re not answering any of my calls or my texts.

I'’m getting really worried, Jake. All right,

we need to start thinking like they think.

Here, chug this bottle of vodka.

No. They could be anywhere.

We need to call them from a number

that they don'’t recognize, like...

the land line!The land line!

Yes. Ugh!

Yeah, yeah.Got it.

Good, got it, good.Okay...

[both cough]

Baby, you'’re a genius.

When'’s the last time we even used this thing to make a call?

Uh, I think it was to call Blockbuster

to see if Deuce Bigalow was out yet.

Oh, wait, no.

As soon as they hear your voice, they'’re gonna hang up.

Right, right, uh, who should I be?

I don'’t know, you're terrible at impressions.

[imitating lamely]: You know, Christopher Walken

begs... to differ.

[speakerphone on]

[dialing]

[line ringing]BONNIE: Go for Bonnie.

Oh, thank God, they'’re alive.

Now talk, talk, talk.Oh, um...

[distorting voice]: Hey, Bonnie, it'’s The Gooch!

BONNIE: Hey, girl. I can barely hear you.

The Gooch is a woman?

If you can hear me, just meet us at the Lavender Lounge.

Google "MapQuest," then type it in.

It'’ll give you directions you can print out.

Tell the bouncer you'’re with Cooper James.

Bye, Gooch.

Unbelievable.

I can'’t believe those two. [chuckles]

Let'’s go get my parents.

Hell yeah. I'’ll print out the directions.

♪

All right, let'’s just spread out

and try and find my parents.

Sounds great.

Or we could just walk over to that giant cage

they'’re currently dancing in.

♪

Oh, my God.

Mom! Dad!

Oh, honey, I think intermission is over.

We should head back to the concert hall.

Okay, I-I can'’t believe you guys lied to us.

And I can'’t believe I'm about to say this to my parents,

but get out of that sex cage!

CLAIRE: Hey, stop!

Bonnie and Gerald Wheeler!

Get your asses out of that damn cage

before I turn this club around!

Don'’t make me start counting.

One, two...

Don'’t let me get to three.COOPER: Hi, guys.

Fancy seeing you here.

You, too, Captain Kangaroo.

The party'’s over, that's right.

What did I do?Doesn'’t matter.

All y'’all, get in the car. We'’re going home.

You gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it!

Damn it, I went Men'’s Wearhouse.

Now, what do you two have to say for yourselves?

BOTH: Sorry, Jake and Claire.

All right.

CLAIRE: Thank you.

And we don'’t like yelling at you guys.

We just have a lot going on right now, okay?

We are both slammed at work, we'’re not getting any sleep.

And the last thing we need is to be tracking you guys down

to a nightclub at almost 11:00 p.m.

I thought it was way later than that. God.

CLAIRE: Now, I'’m sorry,

but you guys are my parents,

and I barely recognize you anymore.

Oh, honey...

that is the nicest thing anyone'’s ever said to us.

What?

Back when we were doctors, we were so boring

and nerdy and tired.

We looked exactly like...

Like the Johnstons.

I was gonna say you two.

But anyway,

your dad and I, we worked our asses off for 35 years.

And the main thing that kept us going

was the idea that someday we could retire early

and have all the fun everyone else had in their 20s.

Yeah, which we completely missed out on because

we were the crazy knuckleheads who decided to marry young

and have, you know,

a beautiful baby right out of college.

Jake, are you crying?

Parents are people, too, you know,

and you, like, forget that sometimes.

Like when you'’re simulating sex moves on the dance floor.

Okay.

He'’s just very tired. We both are.

So, this is just a phase?

Yes, of course it is.Sure.

Until you two are ready to make us grandparents,

your dad and I are living our lives by one rule:

till death do we party.

We came up with that in the cage.

Wait, w-what did you say?

There'’s a sex cage in there.No, no, no. Your new rule.

Oh, till death do we party.

Wayne, that'’s an amazing song title.

"Till Death Do We Party."

WAYNE: Ah, the creative process,

it'’s so fascinating.Yeah.

Now, the way I remember this happening is

you guys were pretty drunk,

and Cooper came up with the song idea.

Great job, Cooper. Come on.

Okay, well, I guess the two of us

are gonna go back home and go to sleep.

So... here'’s 20 bucks. You guys have some fun.

[whooping]

Come on, Dad, that ass isn'’t gonna back itself up.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I have written a song for "Till Death Do We Party,"

and I would love to get your honest opinion.

Yeah, all right.All right. Right on.

Let'’s do this.COOPER: Ready?

[song inaudible]

Ah...

Hey, this is actually good.

I didn'’t mean to hit "actually" so hard.

I'’m feeling the bass line, man.Yeah?

It'’s nice. Yeah.Yeah. [chuckles]

♪ Ba da da

♪ Till death do we party

[laughs]

All right, now.Yeah.

I'’m kind of loving those

sexy moaning sounds in the background.

Yeah, that'’s your mom.

Sick burn, man. Crushed her.

That actually is Bonnie, though.

What'’s that, now?

Yeah, when we were recording the track,

she was in the studio and just happened

to be making those noises,

so my producer said, "Let'’s just lay it in

if we can'’t get her to stop."

Please tell me you'’re joking.

It'’s great, right? And those, uh,

"Oh, yeah, give it to me, baby..."

That'’s your dad.

So, where is this gonna be played?

My label loves it.

It'’s gonna be all over the radio this summer.

All over? Wow.Yeah.

Eww.Every single radio?

Uh-huh.That'’s crazy, man.

Like, even this radio?If you turn it on.

That'’s nuts. Wow!Yeah.

It'’s gonna be popular, I bet,

on all the radios.I hope so.

[grunting]

[continues grunting]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

It'’s a really great song, though.JAKE: Yeah, we love it.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org