All language subtitles for A.Simple.Favor.2018.NEW.720p.TS-1XBET

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today, as promised,
I'm gonna share

my zucchini chocolate chip
cookie recipe.

But first, many of you
have asked me

for an update
on the Emily situation.

And for those of you
who are new to my vlog,

you should know my best friend,
Emily, is missing right now.

She asked me a simple favor,

to pick up her son, Nicky,
from school,

which was five days ago.

And she hasn't
come back yet, so...

I'm sorry,
we're all really worried,

and I'm doing everything I can to
help the police track her down.

But I'm realizing I don't
know her as well as I thought I did.

It's like my mom
used to say,

God rest her soul. Um...

Secrets are like margarine,

easy to spread, bad for the heart.

But as different as we are,

I do consider Emily
my best friend.

She is this wonderful,
elegant person.

And our sons brought us
together, actually.

Well, for our new friends,

I'll just start
from the beginning.

I met Emily a few weeks ago

at school.

It was
International Cuisine Day

in my son's
first grade class.

And once again,
I drew Sweden,

which meant my famous
meatless meatballs.

You're all dead!

I killed everyone!

Not me.
I came back to life.

I want to thank everyone,

who participated
in today's feast. Yay!

Class, haven't we
learned so much

about food
from all around the world?

Yes!

Give your parents
a big round of applause.

That looks great!

- Big smile!
- Oh, my gosh.

Where does she get
all that energy from?

What are you looking at?

I think there's crystal
meth in those meatballs.

Oh, parents, there's
a sign-up sheet on the board

for our Fun Fair next week.

Uh, please, Stephanie,
don't sign up

for more than one job.

I'm not sure everyone else
has had a chance to volunteer.

Miles, sweetie, sweetie,
maybe just be careful

with your fingers
with Nicky's truck, okay?

Has Nicky's mom
volunteered?

Emily? Please.
She wouldn't know

a sign-up sheet
if it bit her on the ass.

God, it'd be my dream
to run PR for Dennis Nylon.

Can you imagine all
the free shit she must get?

- I know.
- Okay,

I'm crossing myself
off decorations.

I can leave that
open for Emily.

And then if she
can't make it,

I can still bring my
balloons and helium tank.

Please tell me
you don't actually

own a helium tank,
Stephanie.

I think lots of people
own helium tanks, Stacy.

Because kids love balloons.

Do you not have one?

You a bad parent?
I'm kidding.

We're terrible parents.

I think it's a perfect
plan, Stephanie.

Good thinking, Stephanie.

Hey, Smooch!

Oh, great work
today, Smooch.

Smooch!

- Thanks a lot, Mom.
- Oh.

Can me and Miles
have a play date today?

Um, I don't know, sweetie.

I think we need
to ask your mommy,

and she's still
in the city.

She's right there.

Come here, little dude.

Oh, my baby!

Look at your shirt. Did any
food make it into your mouth?

Ask her, Nicky, ask her!

Ask me what?

We want a play date.

Oh, we can't. Mommy
already has a play date

with a symphony of
anti-depressants. Let's go.

Play date!
Play date! Play date!

Baby, please don't do this.
I gotta go.

Come on. I got
a ton of work to do.

You don't let me
have any fun.

That's not true.
I let you tear my labia

as you exited my body,
so you're welcome.

Do you drink?

- I need a martini.
- Oh! Uh...

Yeah. I like martinis. I haven't
had one in a long time.

They're good, though. Had one
that was mostly chocolate.

And I was like, "Alcohol
and chocolate!"

Mom life.

Oh, okay. No play date.
Come on, kid, let's go.

Then I'm staying here.

Christ, he's
fucking stubborn.

It doesn't have to have
the chocolate in it.

Okay, I don't think I'm
gonna win this, so, um...

I mean, do you wanna come over
for a beverage of any kind?

I think I could use
some backup.

That's me? I'm backup?

Does your kid drink, maybe?

I mean, it's never too
early to start teaching them.

I think you're joking,
but great.

- Sweetie...
- Hey, you, let's go.

Let's get your
umbrella out, okay?

Because we're gonna
go out in the rain.

What on Earth are
those two gonna talk about?

Emily's gonna eat
poor Stephanie alive.

At least she'd be
eating something.

What is your problem?

Go show him
your room. Go.

Oh, please don't run!

Be safe please!

Cute socks.

Oh, thanks!

They're from Target.
It's 10 bucks a pack.

- So great, Target.
- Yeah.

They have other animals.

They have these squirrel ones
are cute, chipmunks,

beavers...

That's so lifelike.

Yeah.

Do you like it?

How could you not?
It's, um...

Right?

I used to dye my hair.
I get bored easily.

Yeah.

Did you paint that?

No. No, no. It's made
by an almost famous painter

from the East Village.

My life is littered
with almost-somebodies.

I did some art modeling
in school

to pay my way through.

Then the pervert
got obsessed with me.

Oh, well,
that happens, yeah.

So I stole the painting,
you know,

thinking it'd be worth
something someday.

But, no.
No such luck.

This house is incredible.

Thanks. It's
a fucking money pit.

- Oopsy.
- Hmm?

Oh, sorry. It's, um, what we say
at my house when someone swears.

It's a force of habit.

We have an oopsy jar
in the pantry.

It's like, you know.

Put a quarter in
for every bad word.

You should smash
the oopsy jar.

That might change your life.

Yeah. Ugh. Sorry.

Don't say sorry.

You don't need to do that.
You don't need to apologize.

It's a fucked-up
female habit.

You don't need to be sorry
for anything, ever.

That's true.
That's great advice.

Thank you.

I love this music,
by the way.

Thanks. Yeah.

Makes me forget
I'm stuck in this shithole.

I'm gonna go get booze.

Great!

I was really caught up
in the ambiance.

Come on,
give me a little more.

Oh!

I liked it.
I may join you later.

Oh! You must love cooking
in this kitchen!

No, not really.
Sean does.

I think it's probably just
an excuse to avoid writing.

Your husband's a writer?

No. He wrote a book
10 years ago.

It made him the toast
of the town.

I actually had to stalk him

to make him
fall in love with me.

But then, nothing. He never
wrote anything ever again.

- It's the old bait-and-switch.
- What was the book?

It's called
Darkness at Dawn.

Oh, my gosh! I read
that in my book club!

- Really?
- This was... Yeah.

Well, this was back when
I first became a single mom,

and I joined this book club, and
that was the first book we read.

It's so impressive.

So you're divorced, then?

Widowed.

Do you mind if I ask
how he died?

Car accident.

- Oh. How awful.
- Yeah.

My brother, Chris, was in
the passenger seat, so...

You're kidding.

One fell swoop, and the two

most important men
in my life were gone.

Normally, sad stories
don't get to me.

But that one...

That one did.
That was brutal.

I don't talk
about it a lot.

Especially with people
I just met.

I'm really sorry.
Oh! Mmm...

Baby, if you
apologize again,

I'm gonna have to slap
the sorry out of you.

Yeah. That's...
I'm not sorry.

That's a hard habit
to break, though.

It is.

So, are you
dating anyone?

No. Slim pickings
in Warfield.

Well, you are an hour
and a half outside the city.

I'm not gonna date someone from the city.

I tried eHarmony
for a while,

and then that mother
of three wound up

with her head
in the trash can,

you remember that?
And I... Ugh.

I said, "No thank you.
Delete."

What?

Come on, baby,

you're too sexy to give up.

That's nice.
I don't know. Um...

If your head's gonna
end up in a trash can,

your head's gonna end up
in a trash can.

I just didn't think I would
end up a single mom,

struggling to make
ends meet.

I mean, my husband
had life insurance,

thank goodness,
but not a lot.

I put half of that away
for Miles' college,

and so, with
that coming in,

the money still
runs out in 2020.

Thank God
for his life insurance.

Yeah.

My husband
doesn't have anything

if it makes you feel better.
But he does spend like

he's the man of the hour.

Fucking have to pay
for everything.

We can't even
sell this house.

We bought it
during the bubble.

I love your house.

Don't dream of selling it.

If I were you, I'd just bask
in this kitchen all day long!

Then you should move in.

Here. Cheers
to being house poor.

Yes, cheers!

Mmm. What?

That's, uh...

It's just another one
of my bad decisions.

Yeah.
It's great.

Is that a charity symbol?

Yeah, Mother Teresa and I are,
like, the same person, so...

It's a nice contrast
with your ring.

Thanks. Yeah, this is
a family heirloom.

It belonged to Sean's
great-grandmom,

and then his mom,

and she insisted that I
have it, so, you know?

Whose Subaru
is blocking the garage?

- Speak of the devil.
- Oh, that's mine. I'm sorry...

- You're what?
- Mmm...

Your wife is trying to get me
to stop apologizing.

Or maybe you can
get her to start.

- Oh! Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, martini time?

I'm sure
it's 5:00 somewhere.

Oh, my God,
did you just come up

with that cliche
by yourself?

He's such
a brilliant writer.

I have to say,
you inspire me.

Not enough, apparently.

"Why,
thank you very much

"for going to the grocery
store," he said,

dripping with sarcasm.

Oh, I figured
you'd want a break

from not writing ever.

With that fatal blow,
she won the joust.

- Well played.
- Hmm. Thank you.

- This is Stephanie.
- Hi, Stephanie.

Her kid goes to Warfield
with our kid.

She read your book.

I did. I loved it!

It reminded me
of William Thackeray.

She really read it.

Wow, not many people

trot out Thackeray
as a reference.

Oh, I was an English
major at Barnard.

It was pre-mommy brain.

I did my thesis
on the Canterbury Tales.

"And with that word
Arcite gan espye,

"whereas this lady
roamed to and fro."

"And with that sight,
her beauty hurt him so."

I'm sorry, do you guys
wanna get a room?

Am I breaking this up?

I like that.

Hey, do you want me
to make you a drink?

No. I'm good.
You guys enjoy.

I'm gonna head upstairs
for a shower.

Okay.

Nice to meet you,
Sharon.

Yeah. It's lovely
to meet you.

He's terrible with names.

Oh, yeah. I mean,
Stephanie's crazy.

Like P-H-what?

You guys are
such a cute couple.

Yeah, we're on the verge
of bankruptcy,

and we can't find
a decent nanny

in all of Connecticut, so...

Drowning.

If you ever need me
to pick up Nicky

after school
and take him to my house,

even if you just need
the night off...

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. Anything.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

If it's your first visit to
the vlog, a hearty welcome.

Today's theme
is friendship.

So today,
I thought we would make

friendship bracelets!

I have never understood

these silly,
hurtful divisions

between working moms
and stay-at-home moms.

Honestly, I have
found it difficult

to make friends with either.

Emily! Hi,
what's up, lady?

Hey, I was
wondering if I could

take you up on your offer
to pick up Nicky.

I'm in a meeting
with no end in sight.

Uh, yeah, I'm
happy to help.

Actually, I just got this
jumbo set of Perler beads...

Yeah, yeah, okay.
You're the best.

Okay. Um, just... Does Nicky
have any dietary restrictions?

Yeah, just don't feed him
shit he doesn't like. Thanks.

Don't feed...
Okay.

Oh, my God, she's so funny.

Whoo!

No, no, no, Dennis,
this is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna do my job,

you're gonna
take some pills,

and then I'm gonna
call you later. Okay?

What? Oh, oh,
I can't hear you.

I'm in an elevator.

I am hungry for flesh!

Just Darth Mommy,
it's this game...

It's really silly.

Honestly, his dad
was much better

at the roughhousing stuff.

- Don't do that.
- Do what?

Don't denigrate
your good parenting

to comfort me
for my shitty parenting.

Oh, gosh, no,
Emily, that's...

That's not
what I was doing at all.

I think you're
a super mom.

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on, your kid had

lobster bisque for lunch
the other day.

I'm lucky if I remember
my kid's lunch box.

Honestly, it's fine.

The nicest thing I could do for
Nicky is blow my brains out.

I'm kidding.

Right. Yeah. Well...

You do work
in the city, so...

- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!

Did you just
take my picture?

I'm yearbook mom.

Did I ask you
to take my picture?

Erase it.

You look really chic, it's
just for "Faces and Places."

Just for the other parents.

Erase it or I'll slap
a fucking injunction

on your yearbook,
do you understand?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, it's gone.

Whoa. Bye-bye.

Don't do that again.

Oh, my gosh,
I'm so sorry.

Or, I didn't mean
to offend you.

Um... I'm
sure that stuff's

really sensitive
in your industry.

Oh, no. It's all good.

I guess I'm probably
not the kind of person

you're normally
friends with.

Oh, you do not wanna be
friends with me. Trust me.

Dennis, sweetie,

let's try this again. Um...

Okay, I want you
to go home

and chill the fuck out

and don't ever call me
again. Bye.

That's how
you talk to your boss?

Yeah. You know,
you gotta go right at 'em.

Especially the powerful ones.

Or they will fuck you
in the face.

Yeah, I get that.

Wanna get out of here?

Mommy needs a drink.

Yeah.

Totally.

Nicky!

Okay, guys...

I guess we're going.

Hey!
Nicky, come! Now!

Okay. I have a gift for you.
Please close your eyes.

- Mmm-mmm.
- Yeah. Hold out

your tattoo hand, please.

This is happening.
I'll wait all day.

- Are you propositioning me?
- Yes.

Here. I made that for you.

You made this for me?

Thought it would go with that
pinstriped suit you have.

Really? That's nice.

No one does stuff
like this for me.

I used to watch those
Bewitched reruns on TV Land,

and I always thought
it was so classy

when Darrin
would come from work

and Samantha
would fix him a martini.

Every time we do this,
I feel so high-tone.

My God, you're such a nerd.

Ugh. Fuck this.
I need a real martini.

- This one's not real?
- Nope.

Sean and I had the real thing
at Dukes in London.

The key, frozen gin.

And a frozen glass. Here.

Move, bad martini.

Okay.

Little bit of vermouth.

Swirl it around, dump.

Don't you dare
touch that wash cloth.

Then add in the gin.

Mmm.

Cut your twist.

Squeeze it, outside out.
Get a nice little mist.

Lick the edges. Voila.

And don't add
fucking ice. Ever.

We don't like ice anymore?

That shit ruins everything.

Tough day at work?

I just need to hit
the reset button sometimes.

Oh, cheers!

Cheers.

Can you make me
one of those?

Do I look reset?

Because I feel reset.

You smell good.

What is that perfume?
You smell so good.

- I wish I smelled like you.
- Thank you.

It's one of Dennis'.
I could get you one.

I could get you
a bathtub full

if you'd like.

I would love it, girlfriend.

Thank you.

I'm really unhappy with myself
for taking that picture...

Oh, my God, are you
still talking about that?

...without asking,
it's so rude.

- Please, stop. Forget it.
- Just, like, "Paparazzo."

You are so nice.

I have no idea how you've
survived this long.

I'm not as nice
as you think so.

Are you baiting me?

No. I'm just saying.

- Everybody has a dark side.
- Mmm-hmm.

Some of us are better
at hiding it than others.

Wanna trade confessions?

- No, no. No.
- Come on.

What's the wildest thing
you've ever done?

Oh, no, I don't know,
I shouldn't.

You go first.

Okay, um...

Few months ago,
Sean and I had his TA over

for dinner, and drinks,
and a threesome.

Was Sean jealous of him?

Did I say it was a him?

That's very cool, sis.
Very cool.

- You okay?
- Yeah!

I don't mean
to freak you out.

Hello! I'm not freaked out,
maybe you're freaked out.

- Okay.
- Because I'm not freaked out.

I'm cool.
I'm laissez-faire.

Okay, laissez-faire.

I mean, you're not exactly
a sexual maverick.

And that's fine.

You know,
prudes are people, too.

I wanna know
your secret. Tell me.

My dad died when I was
a senior in high school.

And

this boy showed up
to the funeral.

His name was Chris.

And I guess he was
the spitting image

of my father,
30 years younger.

My mom thought
she saw a ghost.

And it turned out
he was my half-brother.

That's your whole secret?
That your dad had an affair?

No!

Okay, can you
just tell me your secret?

Come on,
spill it, dark side.

So, Chris...

It was too late for him to
drive home, so he stayed over.

We stayed up
all night, talking,

and

my dad was...

My dad was really the person
who understood me.

And he was gone, so...

I was alone, alone
for the first time.

But he sees me, you know?

Like, he really sees me.

And we just stared at each
other for the longest time.

You can't be too drunk
in my house

not to finish the story.
What happened?

Uh, yeah. Uh...

Okay, so, I don't know,

maybe it's not so racy
where you're from, but...

Stop avoiding.
Tell me what happened.

We stood there

- for the longest time.
- Uh-huh.

So I went in to hug him,

and we kissed.

I know, it's so gross.

- The end?
- Yeah.

- You just kissed?
- Yeah, we kissed.

You just kissed
your brother?

- Yeah. It's so...
- What?

Ugh. It's so lurid.

It's my half-brother.
It's not my brother.

He's your
half-brother, though?

- Okay.
- He's my...

Yeah, there's more.

- Mmm-hmm.
- No. No, there's not more.

No, no.
Yeah, there is.

- So...
- You fucked him.

What?

Was he good?

That is so disgusting.

I don't know...

You didn't fuck him?
Tell me you didn't fuck him.

I don't know
what's going on in your...

- Swear.
- I swear.

Swear on your
dad's grave.

Oh, my God.

Don't.

- You brotherfucker!
- No. Don't.

This is good.

Oh, my God!

I've got a brotherfucker
taking care of my kid.

I shouldn't
have even said anything.

Brotherfucker.

You know what? I don't know.
It's these stupid martinis.

Hey, brotherfucker, do you
wanna stay for dinner?

I shouldn't have
even said anything.

Yeah, I do wanna
stay for dinner.

That would be lovely.

I can't wait to see
what you cook.

You know what?

I'm gonna cook you
the best meal of your life,

and you're gonna
feel really bad

about being
so mean right now.

- Brotherfucker!
- Ow!

I like you!

Hi, moms,
Stephanie here.

Today we'll be talking about
the perfect first aid kit...

so you're never left in
need during a crisis.

Hi!

Stephanie.
Thank God you picked up.

Hey, I just have
a little emergency.

Oh, really? That's
a coincidence. I was just...

I need your help.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, but I do need
just a simple favor.

Can you grab
Nicky from school?

Sean's in London, his mother
broke her fucking hip,

and I got a big fire
to put out at work.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

Poor Sean,
poor you. Um...

Anything I can
do to help. Yeah.

You're the best.
Hey, I gotta run,

but I'll get you back
for this, okay?

Of course,
Nicky's in good hands.

Hey, Stephanie,
you're a good person.

True friend.
I mean that.

Don't worry about it.
I will talk to you later. Bye.

Freeze!
Do you know what I see?

I see two boys
getting a play date!

Yeah!

Stephanie, that's so great
you took the nanny job.

- Nanny job?
- Yeah, for Emily.

I know she was
looking for one.

Well, that...

We're just friends. I'm
helping her as a friend.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize
you guys were so close.

Well, we are!

We drink martinis together.
Strong ones from London.

Okay, boys, if you
don't wrestle in the car,

I'm gonna
make you fruit pops!

- Let's go, let's go!
- Yay!

She doesn't know
she's working for free.

Whoo!

This is Emily Nelson,

Director of Public Relations
for Dennis Nylon Holdings.

Leave a message
or go fuck yourself.

Hey, uh, Em,
it's Stephanie. Um...

I know you're probably
knee-deep in that crisis.

But Nicky's asking when
you're coming to get him,

and I don't know
what to say, so...

Just let me know.

And I hope you're hanging
in there. Give 'em heck.

Stephanie Smothers.
I'm a close friend of hers,

I'm watching her son.

Can you just tell me
where she is

and when she
might be back?

Yeah, she's in Miami
for a few days.

Did you wanna
leave a message?

I'm sorry,
did you say a few days?

Yeah, can you hold
for a second, please?

She didn't say
that it was gonna be a few...

Oh, for the love of Joe.

Oh!

Yes?

Sean, hi! Um, it's Stephanie.
I'm so sorry to bother you.

I got your number
from the school directory.

Has something
happened to Nicky?

No!
Uh, Nicky's fine.

Yeah, sorry, he's fine.
He's here with me.

Um, Emily, though,
asked me to watch him,

and that was two days ago,
and I haven't heard from her.

Have you guys been in touch?

Christ, two days?

What'd she tell you?

Um, she said she had
to put out a big fire.

And I called her office,

and then they said
she was in Miami?

Yeah, that sounds
about right.

I mean, I've played through

some of these
emergencies before,

and once she knows that
Nicky's being taken care of,

she disappears
for quite some time.

Oh, fun! Um...

I'm flying back tomorrow.

I'll pick up Nicky as soon
as I'm on the ground.

All righty?

All righty.

Ah.

Miss Canterbury Tales.

Um, her assistant,
Valerie, said that

she couldn't get in touch
with her, either.

Which is weird, because it's
a work thing, an emergency.

Some of the moms think
we should go to the police.

Jesus.

Has it really come to this?

Do you want tea?

You know what?
Let's do it.

Not the tea. The police.

- Sean?
- Yeah.

The police are here.

Okay.

And when was the last time

either of you heard from her?

Three days ago.

I was in London.
My mother broke her hip.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Thank you.

Well, she said
it was a work crisis?

Yeah. She has
a very high-profile job

and a full staff
that she oversees.

Most times
when a woman vanishes,

she has a reason.

What are you implying,
exactly?

You two didn't
have a fight?

Something to make you
run off to London?

Are you saying that
I broke my mother's hip?

You leave town,
your wife takes off.

Maybe there's, um,

a close friend she might be
spending some time with.

Excuse me,
that's very rude.

He is a dedicated
husband and father.

I have seen him with his
wife, let me tell you,

they've got more chemistry
than a science fair.

Just exploring
all avenues, ma'am.

Well, that avenue is a dead
end, so you can drop it.

And where's
Emily's family?

She doesn't have any.

She was an only child,

and her mother and father died
when she was a teenager.

I'm sorry,
I didn't know that.

We'll file
a missing person's report

and contact you
in the next couple of days.

If she doesn't turn up,

we'll contact the local
authorities in Miami.

Not planning any more trips,
are you, Mr. Townsend?

No.

I'm gonna be right here.

I'm gonna be at my house
with my son.

We can show ourselves out.

God knows we've had
our troubles in the past,

but I don't think she'd just
up and leave her child.

No, God, she adores Nicky.
She wouldn't do that.

She is an enigma, my wife.

That's what drew me to her.

It can also
make her impossible.

She can be
so fiercely private.

She sure doesn't like

having her picture taken,
I'll tell you that.

I remember this one time,
she shut down my Facebook

because I posted up
a family picture.

Ugh. Social media
is so tricky.

I can get
to close to her,

I can never quite reach her.

She's like
a beautiful ghost.

Never entirely there.

That's so poetic.

That's why you're
such a good writer.

I'm not a writer
anymore, Stephanie.

I gave all that up
just to chase this woman

for the rest of my life.

I should order a taxi
and go home.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh, it's 1:25, they
stop driving at 1:00 here.

That couch pulls out, um,

if you wanna stay over.

I know Nicky would love it

if you were here
in the morning.

That would be lovely.

Who wants
more B vitamins?

- Yeah!
- I do!

Yeah?
Are they nice?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Delicious?

- Hi.
- Hey.

Uh, what on Earth
are you making?

These are
hangover smoothies.

They get it
right out of you.

And the kids love them.

Little tip,
they have a full portion

of vegetables in them,

and they don't even
know it.

It's so hard to get kids
to eat their vegetables.

Right?

Mmm.

Wanna try some?

Great.

Good?

I think we should get ready
for school.

Oh, school, school.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

Today I'm making
a new recipe

I learned
for a hangover smoothie.

Uh, it's really nice.

I especially
want to thank everybody

who's written in
to ask about Emily.

It's been four days now.

So...

The good news is that Sean
is home from London,

and he's working very
closely with the police.

Um, actually, moms,

I know a lot of you
are hung up on the idea

that the husband
is always the primary suspect.

I know, I've seen
Law & Order.

But, um...

First, I'm here to tell you

Sean was in London
when Emily disappeared.

And some of you
have suggested

that he did that
to set up an alibi,

but he's an amazing husband
and an amazing father, so...

The police
haven't been much help.

But every mom knows that if you
want something done right,

you have to do it yourself.

I will leave
no stone unturned.

I think that's
what Emily would want.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Thanks for holding.

How may I direct your call?

Hi, my name
is Stephanie...

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

My friend works here.
She's been missing...

Thanks for holding.
How may I direct your call?

I tried to call
her assistant.

- Dennis Nylon, please hold.
- Valerie.

She wasn't super helpful.

Thanks for holding.
How may I direct your call?

I can't tell
if you're talking to me.

You're looking right at me.

- Dennis Nylon, please hold.
- Okay.

Thanks for holding.
How may I direct your call?

Her name is Emily Nelson.

She's the head
of the PR department.

Emily's not in today.

I know she's not in.

- Dennis Nylon, please hold.
- Okay.

Just gonna...

Sorry. No, I am not sorry.

I need to speak
to Dennis Nylon, please?

A woman's missing, so...

Mr. Nylon's
not here right now.

Great, I'll wait.

Knock yourself out.

Okay.

Dennis Nylon, please hold.

Um, Mr. Nylon?

We don't accept
unsolicited resumes.

Cool, that's not why
I'm here.

Um, we have a problem.

We most certainly do.

A friend of mine works in
your publicity department...

Is that a vintage
Hermes scarf?

My Aunt Frieda
gave it to me.

Did she want you
to hang yourself with it?

Look at that knot,
Jesus fucking Christ!

I'm here about
Emily Nelson.

What about Emily?
What happened?

She asked me to pick up
her son four days ago

because she went to Miami.

She's still not back.
No texts, no calls,

and no one in your office
seems to give a crap.

Excuse my language.

- Kiko.
- Hmm?

Why did Emily
go to Miami?

I didn't know she did.

We in this office
have learned that

when Emily elects
not to tell us something,

it's best not to ask.

Doesn't she work for you?

Emily's job
is to stop the apocalypse

without worrying
any of the designers.

And she always
finds a way

to look fabulous
when she does it.

That's great!

What do you suggest
that I do?

Never wear a vintage Hermes
scarf with a Gap T-shirt.

If you were truly Emily's
friend, you would know that.

Excuse me,
I have a very busy day.

Valerie, my office.

Now!

Hi.

Sit, sit, sit!
Emily! I want answers.

Steven,
you forgot the shirts.

No, I can't
help you with that.

Of course he's
freaking out.

He needs someone
to manage this now.

I don't know.

Mother fudger.

Well, if it isn't
Aunt Frieda's

least favorite niece.

What were you
doing up there?

Corporate spying?

Or just a common
garden shoplifter?

Yeah, you gotta go
right at them.

Especially
the powerful ones.

Or they will fuck you
in the face.

Listen, you bargain
basement Tom Ford,

if you don't have
this Ken doll

unhand me this second,

I will tell the thousands of
moms that watch my vlog

that Dennis Nylon is a bully
who victimizes women.

And that they should stop
buying your tacky blouses

made by Indonesian children.

Because if you lose moms,
you lose business.

Okay, number one,

they are not
Indonesian children,

they are Vietnamese
teenagers.

Number two,
Tom Ford wishes he were me.

And number three,
if I'm tacky,

okay?

You're...

This has been fun.

Better pray
I don't have a bruise.

No wonder she doesn't like
having her picture taken.

Look
at our little Stephanie.

Comforting
the worried husband.

Oh, please.

It's an arts
and crafts project.

I've never seen her pass up
a chance to use a stapler.

Emily's gonna hate
those flyers

when she gets back.

She's not coming back.

Don't you watch Dateline?

If the case isn't solved
in the first 72 hours,

they're always dead.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, perfect timing!

Dinner's ready.

The boys are upstairs.

I'm just gonna have them
wash their hands

and come down.

Um...

Are you okay?

I've just never experienced
anything like this.

Walking into
a fully set dinner table.

Yeah,
this is weird.

- I'm being...
- No, no, no! Not at all.

I think anything
stable these days

is like a gift
from heaven, right?

I should tidy up
first, though.

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Mr. Townsend?
- Ah, yes.

Detective Summerville.
We spoke on the phone.

That's right. Um...

Stephanie, can you help
the boys with their homework?

Of course.

- Come in. Sorry.
- Thank you.

Just a pre-dinner snack.

That's a cute nanny.

No, no. That's one
of my wife's friends.

She's been helping me out.

Oh, shit. Can she come
help out around my house, too?

The passenger manifest says

she wasn't on
any flights to Miami.

But she did rent
a white Kia from Budget.

She paid in cash
for a two-day rental.

Now, when people
pay in cash,

it usually means one thing.

What are you saying?
She's having an affair?

I can't say that
with any confidence.

Can you
not track the Kia?

I have
toll booth reports coming in

from across the country,

assuming she's not
swapping out plates.

I wanna get a description
of your wife to

every precinct
in the tri-state area, okay?

Did she have
any distinguishing features?

Any birthmarks, tattoos?

She's got a tattoo
on her left wrist.

Oh, great.

It's flames and a charity
symbol in the middle.

Really?

More judgment from you?

Nope. No, no, no.

But she did
things like that.

Impulsive, crazy things.

I'm gonna go call this in.

Tell your wife's friend
I said goodbye.

You're a saint.

You don't have to do that.

I'm not a saint. I just
like to keep my hands busy.

Um... I should go.

It's Flags of the World
day on Monday.

I haven't even started
on South America.

Sorry.

No, I don't mean sorry.
I mean thank you.

Thank you for being
such a good friend.

Of course.

I'm a problem-solver,
I just wish I could do more.

You're doing plenty.

So, that's where
we are today.

And we are keeping
our heads up

and not jumping
to any conclusions.

We are soldiering on

with cookies and origami.

But for you moms
who want to help,

we know that Emily
was driving a white Kia

that she rented
from a Budget

at La Guardia Airport
on the 24th.

And I did a little digging,

so, um,
the license plate is...

Dear Stephanie,

I'm writing
from Standish, Michigan,

with a possible
Emily sighting.

I was driving down I-75
two days ago,

when I saw a woman
gassing up a white Kia.

She was really pretty,

and I remember thinking
she didn't look like

she was from around here.

I hope this helps.

So, um,
Summerville sent the info

to the local authorities
in Michigan.

Did she ever mention Michigan?
Did she have a friend there?

As far as I knew, she didn't
have any real friends.

- Not before you.
- Oh.

How is that possible?

Hello. Please
tell me you found her.

A lake?

Well, I don't know.

Okay, I'm heading
there now.

They found the rental
car in Michigan.

Look, I'm gonna have to go

because otherwise
I'm going to go crazy.

- Can you do me a favor?
- Yes, it's done. Go.

Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

I can see we have
a flood of new viewers today.

And if you're new
to the vlog, I'm sorry.

This probably isn't
the best entry to start with.

For those of you who have been
following my vlog this week,

you know that my best friend,
Emily, went missing.

So many of you wrote in with
your helpful tips and ideas.

I wanna give a special thanks
to Leanne Lippens

whose helpful tip made
a major break in the case.

I have some somber news.

Emily was found.

Not alive, I'm afraid.

My friend, Emily Nelson,

is dead.

Our Father,
we look to you again,

facing this moment
of our need.

In our sorrow,
grief and loneliness

draw us up to yourself

that we may know the comfort
of the everlasting arms.

Especially support
and comfort those

who have been closest
to our departed sister.

Sustain them
in the blessed assurance

that death is conquered,

the new life is begun.

To be absent from the body

is to be present
with the Lord.

May we be assured
in the hope

that we shall
walk together again

in your blessed presence.

Help us to number our days

that we may apply
our hearts unto wisdom.

In the name of the Father,

and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Are those, um...

Oh, yeah,
yeah, they are.

They're from your
last-minute brownie entry.

I can't believe
you watch my vlog.

To be honest,

when we first
started watching it,

we were just making
fun of you.

But, um...

But then, you had some
really helpful hints in there.

Especially when Lulu
got that rash,

apple cider vinegar
was great.

Oh, well, great! That's...

Yeah.

You're a real saint

to help her family out
like this.

I'm not a saint.

Emily was my friend, and she'd
do the same for me, so...

If you or Sean need me

to watch Miles or Nicky
anytime, it's nothing.

That's so sweet, Sona.
Thank you.

It's the least she could do,
she didn't even bake anything.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Nicky,

you don't need to worry.

Your mom's in heaven now.

No, she's not! Shut up!

- She's in the ground!
- Ow! Stop it!

She's never coming back!

Ow! You're hurting me!

- I hate you!
- Ow! Stop it!

Nicky, get off him!

Nicky, what're you doing?
Get off him!

What the hell are you doing?

Calm down, stop that.

She made this happen!
She made my mom die!

That's crazy
and you know that.

She's trying to be
my new mom!

Sweetie, I'm not trying
to be your mom.

I want my mom!

I know you do, baby.
I know you do.

- But calm down.
- Mom was right!

You are a loser!

Is that what she told you,

drunk at 2:00
in the afternoon?

- I am trying my best!
- Sean!

He's just a little boy.
Jesus!

Nicky, I'm sorry.

- What do I do?
- Okay.

What do I do?

We're all gonna take a deep,
centering breath now.

Ready?

We're gonna focus on
one thing at a time.

I'm gonna stay
and talk to Nicky.

So I need you
to take Miles inside,

put some ice on his nose.

'Cause you got
a good little shiner coming.

- It's okay.
- Okay.

It's okay.

I don't wanna talk to you.

You're not my
favorite dinner date

right now either, buster.

But you should know
that everything

you're feeling right now
is normal.

You can act out all you want.
That's fine.

This doesn't change
what I know.

What do you know?

That you're a good kid.

So let's just sit here
and not talk.

Let's just sit here

and feel lousy
and watch the grass grow.

Hey.

Hey, come on. Don't be
hard on yourself, yeah?

It's the kind of stuff
nobody gets right.

You do. You always do.

No, no, come on.

Um... I don't know if...

Yeah.

- Yeah, we shouldn't.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Are you serious?

Hey, Ms. Smothers!

- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah. Um...

I'm gonna come right down.

Shit!

- Hi! Hi!
- Hey! Hey!

Uh, I just left something
here, so I was just...

I had a key

because earlier,
Sean gave me a key...

You're not under arrest,
Miss Smothers.

- Oh!
- FYI.

I should hope not.

- All right. No, no.
- No.

- You're very funny.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Um...

Sean's not here right now.

You know, I was actually
hoping to speak to you.

- Oh!
- Yeah, I went by your house.

Then I went by the school,

then one of the moms thought
you might be here.

Did they? Okay.
Well, that's...

Was it Stacy?

Can I come in?

- Of course, I would love that!
- Thank you.

You said that Emily's
your best friend.

Yes. Yes, we are.

- Was she depressed?
- No.

No, she had everything.

She had the house
and the job...

And the husband.

I was getting there, yeah.

The neighbors said
they fought a lot.

Well, they had issues. Um...

But they loved
each other intensely.

Oh, what issues
did they have?

The normal issues.

They were stressed
about money.

And I think Emily
wanted to slow down

and smell the roses.

She slowed down all right.

I got the autopsy report
right here.

Let's see here.

"Severe liver damage
suggesting heavy alcohol use.

"Track marks along her arms
and between her toes."

Were you aware
of the heroin use?

No, that's, uh...

I'm sorry, I really have

trouble believing that.

She liked a very
strong martini, but...

I don't know how she could've
kept that a secret from me,

and especially
from her husband, Sean.

Yeah, you seem to know
Sean pretty well.

I... We've gotten
to know each other

over the last few weeks,
just as friends.

Uh-huh.

I'm
guessing you've never dealt

with law enforcement before.

- Not really, no.
- Mmm.

That's a really nice dress.

Oh, thank you.

Doesn't seem to be
your style, though.

Oh, I'm very versatile,
Detective,

I think you'll find.

I'm really just trying
to help Sean and Nicky

in their time of grief.

Oh, how is Sean's grief?

He's holding up very well.

As well as can be expected.

Uh-huh.

Is that everything, or...

Let me ask you something.

Were you aware

that he took out
an extra $4 million

life insurance policy

on Emily
before she disappeared?

I was not aware of that, no.

Why? How would I?

Okay, all right.

Yeah, I don't...

I'm sorry. What...

What are you...

Are you saying
he had her rubbed out?

He hired a hitman?

I didn't say anything
about him hiring a hitman.

You just did.

Okay.

I can see that
you're enjoying yourself,

Detective Summerville.

But if you wanna
grill someone, you should

really speak to Emily's
boss, Dennis Nylon.

He could not be
more suspicious.

That's super interesting
because he contacted us.

And he said he thought you knew
more than you were letting on.

Well, he sucks.

So...

As long as you're honest
with me, Ms. Smothers,

I swear to you,

you have nothing
to worry about. Okay?

I'm just following
breadcrumbs wherever they lead.

Okay, you know what?
I'm done for now.

Thanks for your time.

Your theory doesn't
hold water, you know,

because it doesn't explain

the fake plane ticket
or the rental car.

And why would someone
shoot her full of heroin

at a summer camp in Michigan?

There's plenty of good heroin
right here in Connecticut!

I'm told.

Great, good. Okay, so
we have a lot to talk about.

All right, then.
Enjoy the new house.

The worst breadcrumbs I've
ever heard of, you know.

Couldn't fill
a Caesar salad

with those breadcrumbs!

Why is this Caesarean
salad so crunchy?

It's Caesar salad, baby,
and it's delicious.

What's in it?

Breadcrumbs.

Oh.

How was your day at work?

Grim.

Spent most of the day
explaining the difference

between "your" possessive
and "you're" apostrophe R-E

to college juniors.

I can see how that might
drive a man over the edge.

I know, right?

What about you boys?

What'd you guys get up to
today at school?

I saw my mom.

I understand, Nicky,
that sometimes

we think we see people
that we miss

even if they're gone.

No, I saw her.

She was right outside
the fence

by the kickball yard
at recess.

Lots of people
look like someone else.

Nobody looks like Mom!

She told me
to say hi to Stephanie.

Nicky,

this is unhealthy.

Miles saw her, too.
Right, Miles?

I think I did.

But I don't know.

I was playing tetherball.

Did you two hatch this up?

Is this a game, like when you
smash everything with trucks?

Because you know
what we say about lying.

I'm not lying!
I saw her! Fuck you!

Hey, Nicky!

Oopsy!

I'm sorry.

Don't I get a kiss
good night?

Of course you do, sweetie.

Actually, you owe
the oopsy jar a quarter

for earlier, but I...

Good night, sweetie.

Hey.

We should get naked.

What is it?

What's wrong?

I smell her, Sean.
I smell her perfume.

It's all over Nicky
like a ghost.

He probably got
to her perfume bottle

in the medicine cabinet.

He misses her.

Okay? It's just you
being paranoid.

Is it? Because
I found this, too.

What's this?

It's the friendship
bracelet I made her.

I'm afraid to say
she would not have kept this.

She hated stuff like this.

She probably
gave it to him

right after
you gave it to her.

Unless he's
telling the truth.

You saw her
with your own eyes.

In her coffin.

There was something off.

They found her
at the bottom of a lake!

You saw her tattoo,

and you saw that ring
that she stole from my mother.

She said your mother wanted
her to have that ring.

She said your
mother insisted.

That's what she told you?

My father gave that ring
to my mother.

It was like
the only bit of jewelry

that she ever owned.

I took Emily to London
to meet my mother

after we eloped.

It went missing
that weekend.

My mother was frantic.
We searched everywhere.

Nothing. We didn't
find a single thing.

My mother was devastated.

So we took a flight
back to New York.

Guess what I found.

What did you find?

No!

No way!

My little Sherlock Holmes.

Mum is gonna be
so relieved.

Oh, come on, baby.

Mum will take it to the grave.
What a waste.

So pretty.

Excuse me.

Not amusing, my darling,
not in the slightest.

I'm not joking
in the slightest,

my darling.

I took it.

I don't have any intention
of giving it back.

Of course
we're gonna give it back.

No.

We'll tell her that
it just slipped

into your purse
by accident,

and we've only
found it now.

But if you tell her
that I found it,

then I have to tell her
that I stole it.

And what do you think
will be worse for her?

Thinking that
she lost her ring,

or thinking that her son
married a thief?

- Baby...
- Hey.

You choose, her or me?

Meet me in the bathroom
in 20 seconds.

Knock twice.

Nine months later,
Nicky was born.

How could you stay with her?

I was spellbound.

She was the only woman

I could never
figure out fully.

As a young, arrogant
writer, I could never

live up to what
she expected of me.

I was always
looking over my shoulder.

I could hardly sleep.

But with you,
it's different.

I sleep like a log.

That's what every woman
wants to hear.

You know what I mean.

You understand me,
you see me.

You've rebuilt me,
Stephanie.

I've even started
writing again.

First couple of chapters,

but it's a start.

Oh.

That's wonderful.

You took a broken man,

and you pieced him
back together again.

You're unlike any other
woman I've ever met.

Move in with me.

Sean.

No, it's too soon.
What will people think?

They're already
thinking it.

And I'm tired of lying.
I'm tired of pretending.

I want to be this man.

The man I am with you.

I don't do threesomes.

I want to say that.

I'll just get that
out in the open.

What are you talking about?

Your TA?

Emily told me
about your little moment.

- That's what she told you?
- Yes.

Stephanie, listen.

Emily was
a pathological liar.

That never happened, okay?

Why did you take out
a $4 million

insurance policy on her?

My gosh. Those cops really did
a number on you, didn't they?

I'm being serious.

It was because of you.

When Emily found out
that you had been

living off your husband's
insurance money,

she thought she and I
needed to get policies

out for Nicky's sake.

It's probably the most
responsible thing we ever did.

Thanks to you.

Move in with me.

We can start a whole new,
wonderful life together.

Just you, me and the boys.

Please, say yes.

I love you,
Stephanie Smothers.

I love you, too.

Hi, moms.
This is Stephanie here.

I'm gonna do something
a little different today.

I normally avoid any talk
of religion on the vlog.

I don't wanna offend
any non-denominational moms.

But I do think that we live on
after we die, so...

Emily,

if you are out there,

and you can hear me
right now,

no one could ever replace you.

And you'll always be
Nicky's mom.

I can't take your place.

I can just try to love
the people that you love

and try to make
their lives better.

I think that's what
you would want.

Okay, guys, it's getting
too rough back there.

I murdered you!

Not me.
I came back to life.

Like your mom!

Okay, the dolls
are going in your backpacks

or they're going
in the trash, I mean it.

Mom, they're
not dolls! God!

Stephanie, my mom told me
to give you this.

Mom!

Damn! Are you
trying to kill us?

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling from

United Timeshare
International.

Yep, I...

We'd like to offer you
a free trip to the Bahamas.

All you have to do
is come down to one of...

I don't want that,
have a nice day.

I don't want that,
I don't care.

Oh, my God!

Hi, I'm sure you
have a job to do.

I don't need a free trip.

Hi.

Brotherfucker.

- Emily?
- No, no, Emily's dead.

Oh, no, have you
forgotten already?

- Where are you?
- I'm in heaven.

Watching over you.

Nice blouse, by the way.

Why are you doing this?

How do you know
it's just me doing it?

Hey, hey, hey,
kiss Sean for me,

four million times.

Oh, hey.

Are you trying
to Diabolique me?

What are you
talking about?

Diabolique, you know?

The French movie
about the guy whose wife

and mistress,
they're trying to kill him.

But I don't have
a $4 million

- insurance policy.
- Stephanie...

If you and Emily are in some kind
of plan, please just call it off...

- Stephanie.
- I'm really not the one.

Just breathe, please.

Nicky's getting to you.
Emily is dead.

She called me.

What?

She called me today.

I have a friend
in the psychology department.

I'll give him a call.

Hey, handsome,
you got time...

I am sorry. I didn't know
you were in a meeting.

Beth, this is Stephanie.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I was just wondering
if you needed

to use the SMART board,
'cause it's broken.

- I can live without it.
- All right.

All right.

She seems nice.

Stephanie, go home.

Emily had some Xanax
in the medicine cabinet.

Take one. Take two.

Yeah. Maybe she has
some heroin lying around. Hmm?

This is all just grief.
Just stages of grief.

I'm sorry,
you're right.

I'm so overwhelmed,
and I...

I'm sorry.

Oh, baby, you just
need someone to love you.

I have you.
All you need is a good friend.

Come on,
don't you miss sex?

Having a man fuck you
on top of a washing machine?

Barely remember
what it's like.

Why are you
such a masochist?

You could have a man
in your bed any time you want.

I had a man,
I ruined that, so...

What does that mean?

Come on, what
does that mean?

If you can't tell me,
you can't tell anyone.

I'm your best friend.

Let's
go see Daddy.

I just want the truth.

What are you talking about?

About Miles and Chris.

Chris? My brother, Chris?

Yeah, your brother.

And you certainly
don't act like it.

Sometimes it's more like
you guys are lovers, right?

That's disgusting.
That's...

Is Miles mine or not?

Oh, my God!

Are you listening
to yourself?

You sound ridiculous.

Yeah.

Davis! Davis!

Where are you going?

Where are you going? Davis?

Steph, it's all right.
Don't worry.

Just gonna
go for a drive.

Have a little talk.
Man to man.

No problem.

It's my fault.

I'm the reason
they're both dead.

No.

Hey, don't do that.

People do terrible things

for their own
fucked-up reasons.

That's on them,

- it's not on you.
- Yeah.

I miss him.

Which one?

Both.

I'm lonely.

I think loneliness
probably kills more people

than cancer.

Hey, come here.

Come here.

You're okay.
Want to order pizza?

Oh, God. God,
I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, because of that?
No, hey. It's all good, baby.

It's all good.
Just another Tuesday.

Go away.

Diana Hyland?

Did you paint this?

Where on Earth
did you find it?

I should start by giving you
some unfortunate news.

Emily's dead.

My condolences.

Who the fuck is Emily?

The girl in the painting.

Good.

Her name's not Emily.

Her name's Claudia.

Rest in peace, asshole.

So, not a pleasant memory
for you, then?

No, opposite.
She was amazing.

I mean, she was the best
that I ever had.

I was selling paintings.

You know,
it was the first time

in my career
that I had any buzz.

She walked
into my gallery.

A real fucking muse
just right out of thin air.

What happened?

She was all I could paint.

I memorized
every inch of her body.

My dealer fucking hated it.

And the art critics
fucking hated it.

They called me a knockoff
dyke Mapplethorpe.

Anyway, I blew my whole career
painting that con artist.

Now all I paint
are these goddamn knives,

which are pretty good, but
nobody wants to buy this shit.

Oh, what? They're so good.
People are just jealous.

I haven't had a drink
in 42 days.

Oh, don't...

Might as well celebrate.

Mmm, well, cheers.

I gave her my heart
and I gave her my soul.

I paid for her
to go to college.

I paid off her debts.

Did you ever
see any heroin use?

No. No way, her?

No, she didn't touch it.

Shit.

She never let me paint
her face except for this one.

I've never seen
such a beautiful girl

wanna be so invisible

or just completely vanish.

But you know
what, it takes

money to vanish.

And so she took everything
that she could from me.

You know
how I would paint you?

Beatific.

Like a fucking saint.

I get that a lot.

You should embrace it.
People love saints.

Yeah. After they're dead.

Okay. What do you know
about her? How did she die?

In a lake.

On heroin.

Well, you don't believe that
or you wouldn't be here.

She didn't ever mention
Michigan, did she?

That is the only thing
that she ever left here.

She said she had it
since she was a kid.

I warn you,

you go poking around
in her past,

you're gonna find some shit
that is terrifying.

She was not a normal person
like you or me.

Sean, it's Stephanie...

I thought about
what you said.

You're right. These are
just stages of grief.

This experience has been
so stressful for both of us,

I'm gonna take
a couple of days to myself.

I'll have Sona
pick up the boys,

and they can stay
at her house tonight.

You should take
some time, too.

There's ham stew
in the freezer.

Five minutes
in the microwave.

Lots of love.

Yeah, we've been
saving young souls

going on 50 years now.

Not Bobby and me personally.

Well, it seems
just perfect!

And my son's
practically a porpoise,

so I know he's gonna love
swimming in that pond.

That's Squaw Lake!

The kids all joke
that it's holy water.

Any fish
you pull out of there

is guaranteed
to feed a multitude.

Oh! Oh. That's so funny.

Yeah.

Um... Have you guys
got any old photo albums

or a yearbook
I could look at?

I always feel like
there's no better review

of a place than the faces
of the campers.

Oh, heck, yeah. We got a ton
of 'em down in the basement.

You'll see nothing
but smiles.

Hope and Faith.

Hi. I'm looking
for the McLanden Foundation.

Is this Margaret McLanden?

Who's this?

Yeah. Hi, there. My name's
Maryanne Chelkowsky.

I'm the director
of the Squaw Lake Bible Camp.

What do you want?

Well, we are putting together
the 50th anniversary

edition of our camp gazette.

We're trying to track down
some star alumni.

Are you any relation to
Hope and Faith McLanden?

- Hello.
- Bruce, it's that camp.

The girls must have done
something again and God...

Girls are
long gone, Mrs. M.

You just go on back
to your chair.

But it's
filthy there, Bruce.

I've asked you a...

Gotcha.

Take your time, Bruce.

Mrs. McLanden?

Hi, I'm Gloria
from the cleaning service.

Who?

Didn't Bruce tell you?

I'm supposed to clean
the entire place

until you could eat

a four-course meal
off the floor.

Did I get the date...

Shoot!

Start in my
upstairs bathroom.

It's not lying
if I'm actually cleaning.

Bruce!

The fire's dying!

Bruce!

I couldn't help
noticing that

lovely picture
of your daughters.

Where's Bruce?

- Bruce!
- Oh, um...

Bruce had to
go out. Um...

So,

your daughter, Faith...

She had some trouble,
I gather?

Troubles!

Troubles would've
been a vacation.

That child
came straight from hell.

That's a very strong
statement for a mother.

Are you a mother?

Yes. I love
every minute of it.

Aww.

Then you must have
brain damage.

It's a thankless business.

And some children
are just born rotten.

They don't need a parent.
They need an exorcist.

My husband
understood that.

Now, wait.
Don't tell Bruce!

- No.
- Bingo!

It's unseemly,
the way that man polices me.

Would you like
some sherry?

Oh, no, thank you.
You're very sweet.

Wait, that's...

That's not sherry.
That's the gin.

Where's the sherry?

Must be behind
the Sylvia Plath.

What ever happened
to Faith?

Oh, everything. Everything.

We spent so much money
on her rehab.

Hope tried to help
take care of her

and get her off that stuff.

Of course, Hope's a born
liar with terrible posture.

Uh, Mrs. McLanden?

Do you know the person
in this photograph?

That's Faith.
That's Faith!

Now, why're you...
Did she send you?

- No, I'm not even sure...
- Are you the police?

No, I'm just ask...

I have told you people
a thousand times.

My memory is not good anymore.
It will not stand up in court.

The night of that fire,

my husband and I
were estranged.

We lived in separate wings
of the house.

The fire that burned down
the west wing?

Are you an insurance agent?

Yes.

Oh!

Oh, good! Oh, good, good.

Oh, Bruce and I
have been waiting

for the insurance money.

Of course, you assholes
had that clause about arson.

- Arson. Yeah.
- Vultures.

Here's to being house poor!

You ain't supposed
to be drinking, Mrs. M.

- Who are you?
- Well, uh...

Thank you so much
for your time, Mrs. McLanden.

I will get you that
faux Givenchy suit in ivory

and the scarf in taupe.

I will put a rush on it!
Thank you for your order!

Shit. Okay.

Where do you think
you're going?

Uh...

I wanted to order
the navy blazer.

Extra large.

Great.

Hello.

What do you want, cupcake?

I'm looking for
all the Wayne County

arson-related news items

for the last 20 years.

Hi, moms, Stephanie here.

I'm coming to you
from Michigan.

Special on-the-road edition.

As many of you know,

I was struggling
to find closure

surrounding the death
of my best friend.

So I drove up to the lake
where she drowned

to see if I could
dredge something up.

Oh, shit.

Well, it turns out

this is the site
of many a canoe race

at the Squaw Lake Bible Camp.

I had to dig through
a bunch of camp journals,

and I found
a photo of Emily,

whose middle name is Claudia.

Not pretty
I didn't know that.

You crazy fucking bitch.

It's like looking at
an angel, isn't it, moms?

Brotherfucker.

And it gave me
the closure I needed.

I feel closer to Emily
than I've ever felt.

Almost like a twin.

Emily, wherever you are,

I hope that
you're listening.

And you gotta have faith.

Brotherfucker!

♪ Things that we need

♪ Money, clothes,
Weed, indeed

♪ Hats, food, booze
Essentials, credentials

♪ Code of the streets
Owners who creep

♪ Slow when you sleep
Holdin' the heat

♪ Put holes in your jeep
Respect the streets

♪ It's the L-I-L-F-A-M-E ♪

Mom's home!

Oh, Smoochie-smooch?

Oh, my goodness!

Smooch, I missed you so much!

Where were you?

And why did we have to sleep
at Hector's house?

He pees the bed!

Oh! Hector's the worst!

They could've stayed
with me, you know.

I thought we all
needed a breather.

Now I feel like
a million bucks.

Maybe even four.

Hi, my name's Beth.

I'm calling on behalf of
my boss, Sean Townsend,

about his wife,
Emily Nelson's policy.

The number is CT7602258001.

Can you tell me the name
of the agent

who handles
that account, please?

Dear Miss Prager,
my name is Bruce Hargrave.

I'm writing to you about
a case you're handling

for Emily Nelson,
recently deceased.

I have been the caretaker

of her family estate
for many years.

What I have to say
will sound crazy,

but years ago, my employer
died in a house fire.

His teen daughters,
Hope and Faith McLanden,

disappeared without a trace.

I'm attaching an old photo.

Hi, this is Sean Townsend.

I was meant to meet
Billy Kent for lunch.

What do you mean?

You guys called two days
ago to organize this.

No, never mind.

I'll call him back.

Boo.

Oh, come on,
you dumb shit.

We've spent
every anniversary here.

How could you not
put it together?

Emily, why?

I have four million
reasons why.

How could you
do this to Nicky?

I did this for Nicky.

I hated that job.
I never got to see him.

It's not like we could
live off your faculty buffet

the rest of our lives,
could we?

I grieved your death.

I understand.

You're not alone.
They say that

90% of people
who lose their spouse

end up sleeping with
their spouse's best friend

after their funeral,
actually.

Really?

No, I just made that up,
you fucking dick.

That's how you grieve?

Balls deep
in my best friend?

You could've
told me something.

Except you can't keep
a secret, even in the dark.

- Anything.
- You almost ruined everything.

I had to lay low
until the insurance money

came through.

And so why didn't you stay low?
Hmm?

Instead, you
terrorized our son.

I didn't terrorize him.

You made me think
that he had gone insane

as well as Stephanie.

I missed him too much.

He's my little dude.

You know how much
I love that kid.

Well, the clock
is ticking now.

Nancy Drew knows too much.

If she fucks up my insurance
money coming through,

I'm taking you
down with me.

You're taking me
down with you?

Well, of course,
this was all your plan.

My plan?

I had nothing
to do with it...

Why are you
playing dumb now?

...you twisted
fucking psycho.

I don't know where...

What were you saying about
me being a fucking psycho?

Do you love her?

No. It was just sex.

Did you think of me
when you were fucking her?

Yes.

Do you love me
or not, baby?

Of course I do.

She doesn't mean
a thing to me.

Good.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I forgot to load it.

Fuck. Oh, God.

Can you imagine
if I would've, though?

What a mess.

Emily, you're crazy.

Hey, it's pretty
simple. You know?

It's your choice.
Her or me?

It's not that hard.

Hey.

Stop it.

You love this.

Meet me in the bathroom
in 20 seconds.

Knock twice.

There he is now.

Mr. Townsend, Isabel Prager,
Addison First Insurance.

I'm investigating
the death benefit claim

for your late wife.

Sean,

did you know that
Emily had a twin?

No, but...

Well, I hate
to even say this,

but it means
the body in the lake

could be this sister.

It could explain
the DNA match.

And if that's the case,

then where is Emily?

If my wife was still alive,
she'd come home.

She'd wanna see her son.

I'm not a cop,

and I'm definitely
no therapist,

I'm just an insurance guy.

But this is an incredibly
interesting case.

This is just bananas,
isn't it?

- Yeah.
- I will say,

it's unusual

to live with someone
as husband and wife

and not know
that they have a twin.

She was a very
private person.

Well, hey,
we all have our secrets.

But, as I'm sure
you can understand,

with a payment of this size,

we'll have to continue
this claims investigation.

Of course.

And, by law,
give all our findings

to the authorities.

Of course,
anything you need.

I just hope that my wife
is still alive.

I want her back.

Okey-dokey, then.

Obviously, if you
do hear from her...

- You'll be the first to know.
- Thank you so much!

Okay, thank you.
Thanks for the coffee.

Bye-bye.

- Thank you so much again.
- Thanks.

You knew that
she had a twin.

Did I?

Why didn't you?

You knew
and you didn't tell me.

Sean,

you sound crazy.

Take a Xanax.

Take two.

Hi, moms. Stephanie here.

Today, we're talking about
tombstone tributes.

I want to thank Helen
from Missoula, Montana,

for the suggestions.

For thinking outside the box.

You know, it doesn't have
to just be flowers anymore.

I think any item that sparks
a fond memory is perfect.

Emily's favorite treat
was a dry gin martini

in the late afternoon.

I'm gonna make a couple
just like Emily used to.

Frozen gin, frozen glass,

generous twist.

I'm gonna head out there
a little later today.

Have a toast on her grave.

Nice, big twist.
I taught you well.

Student's become
the master.

Ooh, wisdom.

Hey, give me that.

I don't know
what tricks you have

up those new
sleeves of yours.

You think
I poisoned both drinks?

That's not my style.

I don't even eat gluten.

- Want another?
- Please.

First, tell me why

you killed your father
and sister.

Okay, why don't we
first talk about

your son's real father?

Oh! Emily,
I hold all the cards here.

I wanna know
about your twin, Faith.

I'm not a twin.

Great, I know that you are.

We were triplets.

Faith, Hope, and Charity.
Charity was stillborn.

Mom thought we offed her

- in the womb.
- Hmm.

Dad believed her.

She's quite a woman,
your mother.

I had a nice afternoon
with Mags.

You met my mother?

She likes her martinis
even stronger than yours.

We had a little walk
down memory lane.

She's a cold woman, Em.

Bet you couldn't do
anything right in her eyes.

It was probably Faith's
idea to set the fire.

But then, all the bad ideas
were Faith's, weren't they?

- You don't know anything.
- Sure I do.

And I get it.

You're 16.

It's that age
where you feel so trapped.

Then, if your mother always
had the biting comment...

- Faith, it's over. Let's go!
- Dad! Dad!

- Dad! Don't touch me!
- It's not my fault!

...I'm guessing your father
was more direct.

MR. McLANDEN: Whore!

- Never again!
- Stop!

That's when you and Faith learned
to hit the reset button, right?

Burn, baby, burn.

Why'd you leave each other?

Well, we couldn't stay
together after the fire.

The cops were looking for
the big blonde arson twins.

We were a walking sideshow.

Fuck off!

We had to say goodbye,
so we did it with tattoos.

Flames, and a little
something for Charity.

We split up
in Corpus Christi.

She was gonna head
south to Mexico,

I was gonna go north.

We set a time
and place to meet

after the smoke cleared.

But then,
she never showed up.

I was worried sick.
I waited for days.

But nothing.

I thought maybe
this is my opportunity

to do it on my own.

She was always getting me
into trouble.

So I bought a one-way
ticket to New York

and never looked back.

Did you miss her?

Of course I missed her.

I wasn't whole without her.

But I couldn't go on like
that, I had to survive.

And it worked.

Yeah, my life in New York
fell into place.

I got a job,
worked my way up.

I met the perfect man.

Oh, you know
that part, though.

Then your sister calls.

Fucking Facebook.

- You had to see her.
- Yeah, of course I did.

So you fabricate
this trip to Miami,

meet up at the old camp.

Camp bunk four,
it was our happy place.

It was the only place we could
escape our dad, really.

Must've been shocking

to see her
after all those years.

Yeah, it was like
looking in the mirror.

Except at the sick life
she chose over me.

What did she want?

Everything.

Just gonna stand there?

You gotta have Faith.

I don't hear from you
for 14 years,

and now, here you are?

I'm out of cash.

Shocking.

The fuck did you say?

Nothing.

Get away
with it this time.

Okay, so, um...

- Now what?
- I don't know.

I didn't know
where to go.

When I call,
you act like a stranger.

Won't even let me
come meet your family.

What am I supposed
to say to them?

The truth?

Well, you may as well now

because I'm about
to tell the cops.

You're what?

I don't know
what else to do.

I don't have anything,

so I don't really have
anything to lose.

I'm gonna go tell them
everything we did.

And then we'll
go down together.

We can be together again.

I have a little boy now.

Yeah, I know. I saw that kid.
He's super cute.

Cut the shit, okay?

What do you
want from me?

I want a million bucks.

How am I supposed
to give you that?

You're rich
and famous now.

I can't give you
a million dollars.

You do seem
highly motivated.

I don't know
what it is, though.

It's your job,

probably your kid.

Don't talk about Nicky.

Yeah, I'll, um...

I'll sell the house. I'll
do whatever I need to do.

If I do this,
you can't tell anyone ever.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I get it.

I mean, I don't really get
the big deal about kids.

You could always
just make another kid.

You know that, right?

You can't make
another sister, though.

It's fucking hot.

Come on,
let's go swimming.

Remember?
Like we used to.

- You coming?
- Yeah.

Right behind you.

How'd you
get her in the lake?

Fuck you.
I didn't kill my sister.

That was her idea.

Come on, wimp.

What? I thought
you were the alpha now.

No?

I am the alpha,
God damn it.

You abandoned me.

We were supposed to be
a team, you and me.

Remember?

Yeah, I know we were.

But I just thought the only
chance we had was alone.

You were right.

I'm sorry, kid.

Me, too.

I was so worried.

I woke up the next morning.
I couldn't find her anywhere.

I never thought...

I never thought
she'd do that, you know?

When I found her body
in the lake, it was too late.

Lie.

You drowned her.

No, she killed herself.

I'm just
all that's left of her.

No, you're
a sister killer.

You're a brotherfucker.

Ooh!

What does Sean know?

Everything.

It was his idea.

I didn't know what to do
once I found the body.

He said maybe
this is our opportunity.

We could finally
get out of debt.

Flee the country.

Spend more time with Nicky.

He convinced me
we could pull it off.

That her DNA
would do the rest.

I don't believe you.
He grieved for you.

Oh, you believed that?

Aw, that was all an act.

You're a pathological liar.

Did Sean say that?

Cool.

I'm just gonna play you
this tune real quick.

- Do you love her?
- No.

It was just sex.

Did you think of me
when you were fucking her?

Yes.

Do you love me
or not, baby?

Of course I do.

She doesn't mean
a thing to me.

I'm sorry, baby. I know
you thought it was real.

But, hey,
look on the bright side.

Your website went viral,
thanks to me.

All this
for a little money?

A little $4 million.

That's not exactly
little, huh?

I was hiding out
till that money came in.

He was just gonna tie up
some loose ends.

Was I a loose end?

Well, he needed help
with Nicky.

You're so good
with those kids.

So what happens now?

I just want my kid.

You fucked up
my insurance plan.

The authorities
won't back down on that.

You can have Sean.
He's a piece of shit.

I don't even want him.

I don't want Sean.

Then I don't know,
I guess there's...

There's another way, but

sort of one mother
to another.

Sleeping like a log.

- Oh!
- What's going on?

They have a warrant.
I tried to call you.

Excuse me.
I'm Sean Townsend.

Look, I'm happy to comply
with anything you need.

But it would be nice
to have a heads-up.

This is an open
investigation.

You don't get to pencil us
in when it's convenient.

Hey.

Am I under arrest?

Oh, no, not yet.
The DA wants a slam dunk.

That's gonna be pretty hard
since I haven't done anything.

Did you know
your wife was alive?

Not until recently.

When?

She contacted me.

And you immediately notified
the authorities, right?

I can't discuss this
without my attorney.

You know what? You really are
a professor, aren't you?

Okay, we'll talk soon.

Oh, uh, if we need
to contact you,

will you be with your wife
or the best friend?

Somebody else?

I need a stiff drink.
Maybe some of your...

I'm sorry.
You can't come in.

What? Where's Nicky?

He's upstairs playing.

- You have to go.
- What are you talking about?

This is an ongoing
investigation, Sean.

For fuck's sake.

I can't let you
into this house

until this whole thing's
been solved.

She's gotten to you,
hasn't she?

This has nothing
to do with Emily.

It's got everything
to do with her.

She's gaslighting you.

You don't understand
how powerful she is.

No, I don't understand
anything right now.

Stephanie, don't do this.

Please don't make me
call the police.

Stephanie,
please call me back.

I don't know
what's going on

or how this is
all going to turn out.

But you're a great mum,

and you taught me
how to be a better dad.

For that,
I'll always be grateful.

The truth is, I don't think
I ever knew my wife.

Or what she's capable of.

A shocking new development

in the Emily Nelson case,

which first went viral
on a popular Internet vlog.

The PR executive
who was believed dead

in Michigan has resurfaced.

And it appears
the body found in the lake

was that of Nelson's
estranged twin sister.

Nelson's husband,
Sean Townsend,

an abusive failed novelist
and English professor

allegedly forced her
to stage her own death

in order to collect

a $4 million
life insurance policy.

Nevertheless,

bail for Mr. Townsend
will be set today.

A British national,

Townsend faces deportation
if found guilty.

Although
an accomplice to fraud,

Ms. Nelson is complying
with the authorities

in exchange for clemency.

Stephanie?

Where's Nicky?

Oh, he's at a friend's
house watching a movie.

I figured we needed some
Mommy and Daddy time.

Have you forgotten
me already?

You're impossible
to forget.

Thank you.

Oh, please, Sean,
I'm not gonna poison you.

If I wanted to get rid of you,
you'd already be dead.

You put those files
in my computer.

Yes, I did.

But I did have help
from a woman

who loves volunteering
for everything.

Stephanie.

She's not as sweet
as her snatch, is she?

Were you ever gonna tell me
you had a twin sister?

Wasn't your business.

I'm your husband!

You've been fucking
my best friend

in my house, but now
you're my husband?

Okay.

Then I should probably tell
you that we were triplets.

The details.

Hi, moms!

Stephanie here.

I wanna thank you
for all the love

and support
you've been sending me.

Means so much.

Um...

You know, as shocked
as you guys are

about these turns of events,

I can assure you, nobody
is more stunned than me.

Emily had her secrets.

So did her husband.

Clearly, I was
the naive romantic

caught in the middle.

I love you guys.
I always will.

I hope you can forgive me

in advance
for what I have to do.

Moms, do everything yourself.

Stephanie.

You shouldn't be here
right now.

I used to live here.
Remember?

- Don't make this any hard...
- Don't move.

Stephanie, please.

You don't even let the boys
play with squirt guns.

That was before you
told me you loved me,

and it turned out you were
laughing at me behind my back.

Stephanie, maybe we should
take it down a notch.

You used me.

You used me, too.

But you had me
making you dinner,

watching your kid,
and sucking your dick.

I had no idea
that she was still alive.

Stop lying.

Okay, you guys,
I think we

should just sit down
and talk this out.

Emily, you sit down.
You hated Stephanie.

You used to watch her vlog
and rip her apart.

All I wanted
was to be your friend.

You were.

And then you
fucked my husband

and my insurance plan.

Don't blame her.
This is so typical of you.

Sean, I was just trying to get
us out of crushing fucking debt.

Oh, yeah. Maybe if you had the
good sense to give me a call,

I could've helped you with
this little plot of yours.

Oh, please,
you haven't come up

with a decent plot
in 10 years.

Really? Right now?

Can I say something,
as the lady with the gun?

Nicky deserves better
than both of you.

Fuck you, I love my kid.

Shut up.

Stephanie, put down the gun.

You don't wanna do this.

I really do, though.

I loved you.

I loved you, too.

I think this is
the best thing.

Whoa.

Yeah, we could say he attacked us.
They'll believe us, you know?

No, no, you're not fucking serious.
You're not gonna kill him.

We're just gonna
send him to jail.

Are you serious?
Jail's enough for you?

- You don't need to kill him.
- Aren't you angry?

Don't you want revenge
for your sister?

Yeah, yes. But he didn't
technically kill her.

Then who did?

Because I don't buy
that it was an accident.

Screw this.

Oh, my God!

- Fuck.
- Oh, my God. Jesus.

Oh, my God. Um...

Oh, my God!
Shit! Is he really dead?

Sean? I'm sorry.
What do I do?

Do you put
pressure on it?

Do we call an ambulance?

Do I just let him die?
I mean...

He deserved it, right?

No, I killed her.
I killed my sister.

What?

Sean? Sean!

Get up.

Show's over, come on.

Seriously? Come on.
Get the fuck up. Hey!

You too, Brando.

Get up!

Fuck!

Wow.

That was extra.

I mean, obviously, I knew you
guys were up to something,

when I saw both the mics

that you had the cops
plant in here.

You clearly wanted
a confession out of me,

so you could clear
Sean's name.

But that was a good way
to go about it.

And where you messed up,
though, baby girl,

is thinking
that I would confess

to protect that
fucking yeast infection.

- Really?
- All right.

Come on, you gotta know
better than that.

- Oh.
- But then you came in all emotional with the gun,

and that was...
That was convincing.

Yeah.

It was very cinematic.

I don't even know
where you find this shit.

You're really amazing.

Thanks. That means a lot.

But you did
confess, Emily.

Oh. Yeah. Um...

I did. But I cut
these first, though.

For our
friendship bracelets.

One for you!

That is disappointing.

Oh! My God! Look what I found.

Okay. You can't shoot us.
The police are outside.

No, they're not.

Hey,
cops, Stephanie here.

Change of plans.

I'm meeting Emily and Sean
at Darren's house now.

I'll see you there.

You sent them
to Darren's house?

It's a virus.

String theory.
String theory, isn't it?

Hands up! Weapons down!

No, I have
a prescription for that.

I have ocular pressure!

Come on, I've been
on the run for 10 years.

You think I don't know
how to manipulate the system?

So you're gonna kill us?

Well, what the fuck else
am I supposed to do?

You two will
clearly go to

extraordinary lengths
to take me down.

And you know too much.

So, I feel like
a murder-suicide

is the only fitting
end for you two.

And if you kill him,

I think our insurance
still covers that, right?

I mean, sort of perfect.

One door closes
and another one opens.

Thank you for that.

You always have been fucking
crazy, haven't you?

Have I?

Oh, shit. You're right.

God, you fucking...
You actually fucking shot me.

I'm gonna miss him.

Your turn.

Emily, come on.

You're not gonna kill me.

Oh, yeah. I killed my
dad and my sister,

but I could never kill my
husband-fucking best friend.

Am I really
your best friend?

You're not just saying
that for, you know...

No, no, I'm not
just saying that at all.

I get worried
that it's just me.

I know, sometimes
I was worried about that, too.

So hard to connect
with other moms.

And then when you have
a full-time job, it's...

Okay, okay,
don't pull that crap.

Being a mom
is a full-time job.

What I do is hard work.

And I have my vlog
on top of that,

and that's just getting
bigger and bigger.

If you came on the vlog,
that'd be so fun.

If you came on the vlog

and confessed to killing your father
and sister and held me at gunpoint,

I could probably hit
a million subscribers.

Aww. That
would've been great.

Why don't we
do that right now?

Hmm?

We're live streaming.
Did you not know that?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

God, that's so rude,
I'm sorry.

Wave hi to the moms!

This little gadget. Boop!

Yeah. They make nanny cams
so small these days.

Brotherfucker!

Emily!

Emily, stop!

Emily, you can't outrun this!
Don't do this to Nicky.

Come on, you're
still his mom.

Yeah, I am.

But you sure
as shit won't be.

America's hybrids.

Silent, but deadly.

I saw you on the vlog.

You fuck with one of the moms,
you fuck with us all.

Oh! Emily.

Stop! Emily.

This looks
super painful.

Now, sweetie.

Stop. You've just
been hit by a car.

Don't do this.

I'm getting worried
about your knees right now.

Just relax.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry. Oh!

I'm still working on that.

Hi, moms! Stephanie here.

We have very
exciting news today

because we signed up
our one millionth subscriber,

Mrs. Carol Findley
of Ames, Iowa!

Thank you
for joining us, Carol.

You should know,
as our newest friend,

that in addition to my usual
helpful tips and recipes,

I now take on
unsolved mysteries.

Because it turns out
I have a nose

for sniffing out
the freshest basil

and criminals who thought
they got away with it.

So if you have a cold case

or a mystery that
needs to be unraveled,

you just drop me a line.

That includes
you now, Carol,

because you're part
of the family.

For now, we're
gonna be talking

about my favorite cold soup,

gazpacho!

Which is normally gross, but
we're not gonna make it gross.

Right, guys?
It's gonna be great.

In your ass!

Subtitles by explosiveskull