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(Russ groans)
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- Lina: You okay?
- Russ: Yeah, I'm fine.
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00:00:28,171 --> 00:00:30,101
- Lina: Yeah?
- Russ: Yeah.
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Lina: I went to Bernie's. I thought
maybe we could grab lunch or something.
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- He said you went home sick.
- Russ: Well, I am sick.
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Sick of working at Bernie's.
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Lina: I hope you feel better.
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- Russ: Hey, look...
- Lina: You know, I get sick of stuff, too.
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- I'd love to take a sick day.
- Russ: So... let's take one...
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Together.
Lina: Someone's got to pick up the kids.
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Idiot.
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S01E10
Family Day
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sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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- Russ (Sighs): Oh... (Jess giggles)
- Jess (Sighs): I can't believe
15
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- you haven't been by to see AJ yet.
- Russ: I know, I know, I know.
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How's he doing, how's rehab?
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Jess: I don't know.
I mean, he's AJ, so it is a process.
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- So many cool addicts there.
- Russ: "Cool addicts"?
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Jess: You know me, I love that shit.
(Russ laughs, taps table)
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Russ: That's weird
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- Jess: What's... your problem?
- Russ: I'm just...
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(Sighs) Lina and I have been fighting
ever since they sold our house.
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Jess: Oh, shit, they actually
sold that place?
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Russ: Yeah. To the Russians next door.
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Now we're, like, struggling
to find another place to rent.
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Oh, God. Looking for places is the ultimate
worst; She must be so stressed out, yeah.
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She is, without a doubt,
but I feel like this
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is like... an opportunity, you know, to,
like, change things.
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Jess: Like... what?
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Russ: Everything... all of it.
I just... I want my life to feel more
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like... (Stammers) I don't know.
More adventurous.
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I bought this book
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about traveling the world
with your family; Just picking up and,
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like, leaving town for, like...
Months, years at a time, you know?
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00:02:14,962 --> 00:02:15,822
Jess: Mm-hmm.
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00:02:15,842 --> 00:02:18,796
Russ: And I gave it
to her just to see what she would say,
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and she was like,
"we should just table that."
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Jess: Yeah, that sounds about right.
(Russ sighs)
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Well, uh... do you want to smoke weed?
40
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Russ: I do, but we can't use the van again;
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Lina's tired of explaining
the smell to the kids.
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Jess: Oh, my God, you're such a pussy.
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(Jess groans)
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(Dog whimpers)
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- Maya: When is Jen coming?
- Jen's not coming; We got a new sitter.
46
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- Maya: How pretty is she?
- Lina: Why does that matter?
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- Maya: It matters to me.
- Russ: It matters to both of us.
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- Maya: Where are you guys going anyway?
- Russ: Uh... we are going to
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- visit Uncle AJ in the hospital.
- Lina: He's not in the hospital.
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Russ (Grunts): I...
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00:03:03,786 --> 00:03:07,287
Lina: He's in a resort for rich people
who take too many drugs.
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Maya: Why do people take drugs?
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Russ: Well... uh...
sometimes grown-ups need
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to take something to help
them forget that their lives
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- didn't turn out the way they wanted.
- Lina: Sometimes they just
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don't want to face the reality that
they're married with three kids.
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- Maya: Wait, Uncle AJ has three kids?
- Russ: No, your mom was talking about me.
58
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Shepard: I just don't really understand
why you can't do this by yourself.
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Wh-why do I have to go?
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Jess: Well, because AJ wants us
both to be there for family day.
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Shepard: Right, but we're not family.
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Yeah, but it's really just
an opportunity for him
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to apologize to all of the
different people that he's hurt.
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Really? Where are they holding this
thing, the colosseum?
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Jess: You know, it's really
one of my favorite parts of rehab,
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00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:01,522
because it's like when all of the different
weirdos get to be like, "I'm sorry that I
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00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:05,008
stole your car..." Or, like, "I'm
sorry that I shit in your fish tank..."
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Shepard: Oh... I'm looking
forward to this, now. (Jess sighs)
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Jess: If... you give it a chance,
you might actually like it.
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00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,665
- Shepard: You had me at "fish tank."
- Jess: Okay.
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- Russ: This is amazing.
- Lina: Wow.
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Russ: Wow, we would never be able
to afford a rehab like this.
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00:04:21,571 --> 00:04:26,255
No, I mean, if one of us needed help,
we would have to just stay on drugs.
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00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:29,598
Russ: Oh, did you get a chance
to look at that I sent you?
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Lina: Stuff?
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Russ: Yeah, the link to the guy's blog?
Or the book about the guy who
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- travels the world...?
- Lina: Yeah, I just have been really busy.
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Russ: Okay. Never mind.
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(Ducks quacking)
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- Lina: AJ!
- AJ: H-hey...!
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Russ: So, Jess says you've
been doing really well.
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AJ: Yeah? Did she tell you that she's been
here every day?
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00:04:56,990 --> 00:05:00,341
- Russ: So?
- AJ: So, she's a rehab junkie.
84
00:05:00,837 --> 00:05:03,980
She's addicted to coming to rehab.
Ever since I checked in here,
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00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,294
- she's been obsessed with my recovery.
- Russ: She cares about you, dude.
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00:05:07,314 --> 00:05:10,471
She's been sending uplifting
texts to other patients.
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00:05:10,491 --> 00:05:11,782
- Russ: Oh, really?
- AJ: Yeah.
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00:05:11,802 --> 00:05:15,066
- Lina: I think I found our house.
- AJ: Oh, yeah?
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Lina: Crap, except it only has one and a
half bathrooms.
90
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Which I just don't think is
enough for five people.
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How much are the neighbors paying you?
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- Lina: For what?
- AJ: To move.
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Lina: They have to pay us?
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AJ: Well, they don't have to, but...
you can make their lives miserable.
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Lina: We can?
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Do you know how hard it is
to evict somebody in California?
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If they want you gone,
you kind of have them by the balls.
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Oh, my God, here he is, this is my guy.
(Men chuckling)
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Dr. Fred, these are my very good friends,
Lina, Russ, Russ, Lina.
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Russ: Hi. Russ.
Dr. Fred: Can I steal AJ for a second?
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- Lina: Yeah, yeah.
- Russ: Sure, yeah.
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AJ: See you guys in a second.
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Oh, my God, how great
would it be if we could get
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a little extra money for our move?
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Maybe we could put it
towards a bigger place.
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Russ: Yeah, or a bigger move.
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- Lina: A bigger move?
- Russ: Costa Rica.
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00:06:03,573 --> 00:06:05,290
Lina: You want to move to Costa Rica?
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- Russ: Why not?
- Lina: Thewhole family?
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Russ: Yes! What?
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Jess: AJ! Hey, man, how's it going? Hey.
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- AJ: What are you doing here?
- Jess: I'm here for family day.
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AJ: Mm... I thought I told you not to come.
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- Jess: Oh, I thought you were joking.
- AJ: I wasn't. You really piss me off.
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Jess: Why, what did I do?
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AJ: Every time you come here,
you make it all about you.
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Yesterday you spent an hour
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talking to dawn about how your
mother makes you feel guilty
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about not being more religious.
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- Jess: Yeah?
- AJ: Dawn was raped by her grandfather.
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Jess: Well, we've all been abused.
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- AJ: Okay, look.
- You know, like, everyone has their stuff.
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- AJ: This is my rehab, not yours.
- All right, well, I'll go home then,
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- if that's what you want.
- AJ: No, no, no, it's okay,
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stay, just... be cool.
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Jess: All right.
(AJ sighs)
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AJ (Laughs): Oh, man.
(Jess quietly laughs) (AJ sighs)
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- Lina: Are you serious?
- Russ: Yes.
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Lina: You want to move the
whole family to Costa Rica?
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Russ: Yeah, I do.
We get on a plane and we go down there
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- and we stay with Kurt for a bit.
- Lina: Who the hell is Kurt?
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- The guy who writes the travel blog.
- Lina: What travel blog?
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Russ: The one that I sent you
that you obviously, like, ignored.
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No, I got the e-mail that you forwarded
with the link, but I didn't open it.
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Russ: Oh, that's awesome.
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Just like you ignore every
link to every house I need you to look at.
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Because we shouldn't
be looking at that stuff.
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- I think you're losing your mind.
- I'm not losing my mind.
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Kurt is killing it down there.
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He, like, opened a cafe.
We could do the same thing...
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we could open another surf shop.
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Lina: Yeah, we could, and we could
send the kids to school with chickens...
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- Russ: Kurt homeschools his kids.
- Lina: Homeschool?
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- Russ: Yeah, taken care of.
- Lina: Seriously?
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- Russ: Yep.
- Lina: I prefer the chickens.
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Think about all the cool shit we would do.
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I can think of you surfing,
and me spending all day
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- at home with all three kids.
- Russ: No, you'd be teaching.
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00:08:07,856 --> 00:08:10,008
Jess: There's got to be more. Yes.
150
00:08:10,028 --> 00:08:12,089
Grady's more of, like, a
live-in-the-moment type of guy.
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00:08:12,109 --> 00:08:13,577
Shepard: Which one is grady?
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Grady is the one who got so drunk
that he jumped off the train
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- while it was still moving.
- No, I think that was Glenn.
154
00:08:17,803 --> 00:08:21,134
Jess: No, Glenn is the man
that set his neighbor's RV on fire.
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00:08:21,154 --> 00:08:22,201
Shepard: Okay, 'cause I get them confused.
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00:08:22,221 --> 00:08:25,998
Jess (Laughs): Yeah, I know.
There are so many interesting people here.
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00:08:26,018 --> 00:08:28,906
Shepard: Okay, well, maybe if I set
fire to something, I'd be interesting.
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I don't want you to be interesting.
I like you the way that you are.
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00:08:32,277 --> 00:08:35,731
Shepard: Mm. I'm, I'm gonna
pretend like that was a compliment.
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Jess: Itis a compliment.
Shepard: I see.
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00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,883
- Hey.
- Lina: Hey, guys.
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00:08:39,903 --> 00:08:40,591
Jess: Hi.
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00:08:40,611 --> 00:08:42,191
Do you know if there's a
Wi-Fi signal anywhere?
164
00:08:42,211 --> 00:08:44,693
Jess: I do. There's a really strong
one at the juice bar.
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00:08:45,277 --> 00:08:46,088
Lina: Thank you.
166
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:49,012
My treat. They make the best smoothies.
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00:08:50,327 --> 00:08:51,983
Lina: I cannot believe
how frustrating this is...
168
00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:55,110
- there are no houses for rent.
- Jess: Where are you looking, exactly?
169
00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:57,927
Lina: Well, we're kind
of between something in our current
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00:08:57,947 --> 00:09:01,609
school district or Costa Rica.
(Jess chuckles)
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00:09:02,925 --> 00:09:04,034
Jess: Why is that?
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00:09:04,054 --> 00:09:07,070
Lina: Russ. He's having another
one of his freak-outs.
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00:09:07,090 --> 00:09:08,857
Jess: Hmm.
174
00:09:09,825 --> 00:09:12,170
Can I say something?
175
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:16,252
Maybe it's not a freak-out.
I just don't think that...
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00:09:17,444 --> 00:09:20,310
I don't think that Russ is happy.
177
00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:23,293
Lina: You don't think my husband is happy?
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00:09:23,442 --> 00:09:27,425
Why? Did he tell you that when
you guys were smoking weed in my van?
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00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:30,222
Jess (Sighs):
He just said that you guys were in a rut.
180
00:09:30,242 --> 00:09:34,105
Lina: Well, who gets to be happy all
the time, Jess, you?
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00:09:34,303 --> 00:09:35,263
Jess: I don't know.
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00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,393
I try to have fun.
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00:09:37,413 --> 00:09:39,272
Well, I guess you're fun and I'm not.
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00:09:39,292 --> 00:09:42,231
- Lina, that's not... I'm not...
- Forget it.
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00:09:43,348 --> 00:09:45,582
(Jess sighs)
186
00:09:49,094 --> 00:09:50,079
Shepard: Pretty swanky, huh?
187
00:09:50,099 --> 00:09:54,845
Yeah. I'd say.
You can see why Jess likes it here so much.
188
00:09:54,865 --> 00:09:56,942
No, no, no, it's not the amenities.
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00:09:56,962 --> 00:09:59,605
It's she likes the damaged men.
190
00:09:59,625 --> 00:10:02,111
It reminds her of her father.
191
00:10:02,397 --> 00:10:05,132
Wait. Am I one of those damaged men?
192
00:10:05,152 --> 00:10:07,650
Is that why she's friends with me?
193
00:10:07,986 --> 00:10:10,505
Are you just figuring that out now?
194
00:10:12,664 --> 00:10:16,980
Hey... are you serious about moving
to Costa Rica?
195
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,548
Russ: Yeah. Very.
196
00:10:18,568 --> 00:10:24,426
Shepard: Oh. I get it.
I had a Costa Rica, too. Mine was Morocco.
197
00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:28,422
- Never made it.
- Russ: Don't you regret that?
198
00:10:29,117 --> 00:10:31,164
Shepard: Went to Egypt once.
199
00:10:31,611 --> 00:10:34,612
But do you think it's gonna be the
best thing for the kids, truly?
200
00:10:34,836 --> 00:10:38,288
Russ: Is it best for them that
their father is miserable all the time?
201
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,053
Shepard: Works for us.
202
00:10:44,115 --> 00:10:45,361
Lina: Okay, um, do you know
203
00:10:45,381 --> 00:10:50,139
- when we're starting the therapy thing?
- Russ: Uh, no, I don't. What's the rush?
204
00:10:50,159 --> 00:10:53,142
Lina: 'Cause I found a house.
It's great. It's in our budget,
205
00:10:53,162 --> 00:10:56,651
it's in a great school district, and...
guess what.
206
00:10:56,671 --> 00:10:57,532
Russ: What?
207
00:10:57,552 --> 00:11:00,734
Lina: There's three bathrooms.
And they're having an open house today.
208
00:11:00,754 --> 00:11:03,315
Russ: Okay. We'll go after therapy.
209
00:11:03,335 --> 00:11:06,860
- Lina: No, it will be gone by then.
- Russ: I don't care.
210
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:09,519
- Lina: What?
- Russ: You don't care about Costa Rica;
211
00:11:09,539 --> 00:11:12,412
I don't care about your third bathroom.
212
00:11:12,432 --> 00:11:15,145
- Lina:My third bathroom?
- Dr. Fred: Should we start?
213
00:11:15,165 --> 00:11:18,169
- Russ: Yes. Good to go.
- AJ: Let the healing begin!
214
00:11:20,196 --> 00:11:24,232
AJ: I would like to thank everyone for
coming here.
215
00:11:24,252 --> 00:11:27,198
Well... not everyone, I guess,
216
00:11:27,218 --> 00:11:32,207
because, uh, everyone isn't here.
I, uh...
217
00:11:32,227 --> 00:11:34,508
asked Roxanne to come,
218
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:37,853
but she's at a women's
apparel event at Newport beach,
219
00:11:37,873 --> 00:11:40,196
and it's kind of strange that...
220
00:11:40,216 --> 00:11:43,219
this was her suggestion in the first place,
for me to come here...
221
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:47,798
Dr. Fred: Maybe we should
focus on the people who are here.
222
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:49,091
AJ: My guy.
223
00:11:49,111 --> 00:11:52,756
- Jess: I'll go. I'll go first. I want to.
- Actually, AJ, I would love to go first,
224
00:11:52,776 --> 00:11:56,231
- because we're kind of in a rush.
- Russ: No, we're not, actually.
225
00:11:56,251 --> 00:11:57,268
Lina: We are. I'm sorry...
226
00:11:57,288 --> 00:11:59,408
Jess can go first if she wants to go first.
227
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:02,771
- Jess: Thank you. I do, I do.
- AJ: Of course you do.
228
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:06,775
Shepard: What is that? What is with that
attitude? I mean, Jess has come to visit
229
00:12:06,795 --> 00:12:10,564
- you here almost, like, every day.
- AJ: 'Cause she gets off on it.
230
00:12:10,584 --> 00:12:14,761
Well, you know what? Even if she does,
it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.
231
00:12:14,781 --> 00:12:18,583
- Jess: Thanks. You get me.
- AJ: I would just like to say...
232
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:22,512
Jess, that I am so sorry
233
00:12:22,532 --> 00:12:27,406
for any inconvenience my addiction
may have caused you.
234
00:12:27,426 --> 00:12:30,129
Shepard: You aware that "sorry" is not a
sarcastic word?
235
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:32,701
AJ: Growing up in my house, it was.
236
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,145
Sorry.
237
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,470
Shep... Jess...
238
00:12:43,786 --> 00:12:45,734
I know I can be a handful at times
239
00:12:45,754 --> 00:12:49,075
and I am not always the most punctual.
240
00:12:49,095 --> 00:12:52,008
I dinged your car that one time, and, uh,
241
00:12:52,028 --> 00:12:57,453
I'm sorry that I, uh, left you that
little surprise in your guest bathroom.
242
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,678
Lina (Clears throat): AJ, I am so sorry,
I love you, but I need to go.
243
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:04,055
AJ: Wait, no, no, I haven't
apologized yet.
244
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,028
Lina: I forgive you.
245
00:13:05,048 --> 00:13:07,948
AJ: No. No, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.
246
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:11,192
You don't forgive me
before I apologize, all right?
247
00:13:11,212 --> 00:13:13,289
That's putting the cart before the horse,
and that's...
248
00:13:13,309 --> 00:13:14,716
- Lina: Russ, let's go.
- Russ: No.
249
00:13:14,736 --> 00:13:16,044
AJ: No, no, no, you can't take him.
250
00:13:16,064 --> 00:13:19,024
Jess: If you really want to leave,
we can give you a ride home.
251
00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:20,940
Lina: He's not going home
with you, he's coming with me.
252
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,595
Jess: Hey, you know what?
You're being a little bit controlling,
253
00:13:23,615 --> 00:13:25,266
- and this isn't about you.
- Lina: Don't.
254
00:13:25,286 --> 00:13:27,638
- Jess: Don't what?
- Lina: Don't say shit, or I will go.
255
00:13:27,658 --> 00:13:31,039
Jess: I am not afraid of you, Lina.
Please, bring it on.
256
00:13:31,059 --> 00:13:33,823
Lina: Okay, fine. I think you need to
spend a little more time worrying
257
00:13:33,843 --> 00:13:37,149
about your own marriage
and be less involved in mine.
258
00:13:37,169 --> 00:13:40,366
- Jess: Meaning what?
- Meaning that your husband eats dinner
259
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:44,802
alone every night with the nanny,
and your son only speaks spanish.
260
00:13:46,628 --> 00:13:48,549
Shepard: Uh... spanish,
261
00:13:48,569 --> 00:13:51,478
- it's a beautiful language, Spanish.
- AJ: I wish I knew how to speak spanish.
262
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,307
You should come down to Costa Rica with
us and then we could all speak spanish.
263
00:13:54,327 --> 00:13:58,684
Jess: Just let it go, man. She's not gonna
want to bang you in Costa Rica, either...
264
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:01,861
- she flat... out does not want to do it.
- Shepard: I think you can stop now.
265
00:14:01,881 --> 00:14:04,028
- Jess: And she doesn't even...
- Lina: No, it's okay.
266
00:14:04,048 --> 00:14:07,068
She's right, she's right. I am not
gonna change, no matter where I live.
267
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:09,628
So, honey, I don't think it's a
different country that you want.
268
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,543
I think it's a different person.
269
00:14:11,563 --> 00:14:14,894
- Russ: Oh, please. (Indistinct chatter)
- AJ: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey,
270
00:14:14,914 --> 00:14:18,612
I am the one who is addicted
to drugs and alcohol here, okay.
271
00:14:18,632 --> 00:14:23,134
Can we please bring it back to me?
272
00:14:24,623 --> 00:14:26,614
You want to know what I'm sorry about?
273
00:14:26,634 --> 00:14:30,440
That I invited you assholes
here in the first place.
274
00:14:35,068 --> 00:14:37,575
Shepard: I love family day.
275
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,530
Lina: Hey. Good morning.
276
00:14:50,013 --> 00:14:51,644
Russ: Mm.
277
00:14:51,664 --> 00:14:55,188
- Lina: I read your book.
- Russ: What book?
278
00:14:56,603 --> 00:14:58,774
Lina: About the idiot who makes
his whole entire family
279
00:14:58,794 --> 00:15:00,045
travel around the world with him.
280
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,892
- Russ: Oh, you did?
- You've been pulling out of my nightstand
281
00:15:01,912 --> 00:15:05,519
and putting my pillow ever single night.
Yeah.
282
00:15:05,539 --> 00:15:09,819
Russ: That's awesome. Okay. And?
283
00:15:10,168 --> 00:15:12,995
Lina: Thought it was well-written.
284
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:16,406
But the part in Iceland, I thought...
285
00:15:17,946 --> 00:15:19,944
- was really scary.
- Russ: Uh-huh.
286
00:15:19,964 --> 00:15:21,545
Lina: Right?
287
00:15:21,565 --> 00:15:23,765
- Russ: Yeah.
- I mean, that's what I'm worried about,
288
00:15:23,785 --> 00:15:25,631
you know?
289
00:15:25,651 --> 00:15:29,709
- Russ: Yeah, that was terrifying.
- Lina: What part of it?
290
00:15:30,354 --> 00:15:35,357
Russ: The same part.
When they do that, uh...
291
00:15:35,377 --> 00:15:36,478
They, you know...
292
00:15:36,498 --> 00:15:40,850
The part where the... The scary part where
they do... They go through the thing.
293
00:15:41,896 --> 00:15:44,059
Lina: Holy shit.
You didn't even finish it, did you?
294
00:15:44,079 --> 00:15:48,005
I finished some of it. I'm not a reader.
295
00:15:48,576 --> 00:15:50,901
Lina: You're not a planner, either.
296
00:15:50,921 --> 00:15:53,682
You know if we do this,
I am gonna end up doing everything.
297
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:58,452
I'm gonna have to find a house and
find a school and find a pediatrician.
298
00:15:58,472 --> 00:15:59,775
- Russ: That's not true.
- Lina: Yeah, it is, yes.
299
00:15:59,795 --> 00:16:01,318
Russ: I would do some of that stuff.
300
00:16:01,338 --> 00:16:03,734
Lina: No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't.
301
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:08,685
Russ: You're better at it than I am.
I could carry the luggage.
302
00:16:09,814 --> 00:16:13,649
- Lina: You could carry the luggage.
- Russ: So what do you think?
303
00:16:13,669 --> 00:16:16,483
- I mean...
- Lina: I think, um...
304
00:16:16,503 --> 00:16:19,399
Russ: Are you... into it?
305
00:16:19,921 --> 00:16:24,093
Lina: No, I wouldn't say I'm into it.
I'm... open to it.
306
00:16:25,058 --> 00:16:29,898
You wouldn't have brought
this up if there wasn't.
307
00:16:30,692 --> 00:16:32,727
lina (Quietly): I'm a little bit into it.
308
00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:35,835
Russ: It'll be so good.
309
00:16:42,148 --> 00:16:43,530
(Doorbell rings)
310
00:16:43,550 --> 00:16:47,223
- AJ (Laughing): Hey.
- Russ: Hey! There he is.
311
00:16:47,518 --> 00:16:49,234
- AJ: Good to see you, man.
- Russ: Good to see you.
312
00:16:49,254 --> 00:16:50,501
AJ: Hey, look... I got my weekends back.
313
00:16:50,521 --> 00:16:53,748
Russ: Hi, Caitlin.
You're looking good, man.
314
00:16:53,768 --> 00:16:57,123
- AJ: Thanks. I'm running again.
- Russ: Nice.
315
00:16:57,143 --> 00:16:59,072
- Bernie: Cool.
- AJ: You ever hear of the runner's high?
316
00:16:59,092 --> 00:17:01,119
Bernie: Yeah. How is that?
317
00:17:01,392 --> 00:17:05,122
AJ: Not as good, man. Not as good.
318
00:17:05,142 --> 00:17:09,473
- Bernie: Oh.
- Jess: Mm. Ooh.
319
00:17:09,493 --> 00:17:12,442
(Baby fussing) Tomato time?
What do you think?
320
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:14,819
So it looklike you guys are staying put.
321
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:17,703
Lina: Yeah. The new owners
decided they want to wait a while to build,
322
00:17:17,723 --> 00:17:19,833
so we can stay for now.
323
00:17:19,853 --> 00:17:22,004
- We're on a month-to-month.
- Jess: That's good, yeah?
324
00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:24,541
Lina: Mm-hmm, yeah, it is good.
325
00:17:24,561 --> 00:17:27,543
And every night after we put
the girls to bed, Russ and I stay up
326
00:17:27,563 --> 00:17:31,563
and go online and plan
our escape to Costca Rica.
327
00:17:32,531 --> 00:17:33,921
Jess: Yeah, mm-hmm.
328
00:17:33,941 --> 00:17:36,079
- I get it.
- Lina: What about some nap time?
329
00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:38,337
I'm gonna tuck him in with this tomato.
330
00:17:43,264 --> 00:17:44,336
- Yo.
- Bernie: You made 'em too small.
331
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:47,528
- Russ: No, I did not.
- Jess: Are you having another hamburger?
332
00:17:47,548 --> 00:17:49,787
- Okay, first of all, it's a slider.
- Jess: No.
333
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:51,817
- Shepard: Second of all, shut up.
- Jess: He's trying to eat his
334
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,778
- way out of our marriage.
- Shepard: I heard that.
335
00:17:53,798 --> 00:17:56,438
Jess: I know you did. Maybe just try
not to die before the Bar Mitzvah.
336
00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:57,621
Shepard: No, no, no, no.
337
00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,517
- I got it all planned out.
- Jess: Hmm.
338
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,122
Russ: What, the bar mitzvah?
339
00:18:01,142 --> 00:18:03,629
- Shepard: No. My death.
- Nobody wants to hear about your death.
340
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,629
Shepard: Oh, you know, she just wants
to hear about the insurance.
341
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,763
- I would like to hear about your death.
- Lina: I want to hear about your death.
342
00:18:07,783 --> 00:18:09,264
AJ: Yeah, I freaking love death fantasies.
343
00:18:09,284 --> 00:18:11,143
Shepard: All right, well, here's what's
gonna happen.
344
00:18:11,163 --> 00:18:12,900
You know, uh, leaving Las Vegas
345
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,251
when Nick Cage goes to Vegas,
and he drinks himself to death?
346
00:18:16,271 --> 00:18:17,236
- AJ and Russ: Yeah.
- Shepard: So,
347
00:18:17,256 --> 00:18:20,770
mine is like that, but instead of Vegas,
I go to Memphis,
348
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:23,394
and instead of booze,
it's brisket. But the idea is the same.
349
00:18:23,414 --> 00:18:24,674
- Bernie: Okay, that's good.
- AJ: Good stuff.
350
00:18:24,694 --> 00:18:26,230
Russ: Everything in moderation.
351
00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:28,572
- Jess: Yeah, I'm gonna od old school.
- AJ: Oh, yeah?
352
00:18:28,592 --> 00:18:31,927
Jess: The kids come in, they find
mommy choking on her own vomit. Done.
353
00:18:31,947 --> 00:18:35,426
- Russ: Good times.
- Yeah, it's kind of glamorous in a way.
354
00:18:35,446 --> 00:18:36,874
- Bernie: Rock and roll.
- Shepard: So sweet, honey.
355
00:18:36,894 --> 00:18:39,044
Lina: You just said "kids," more than one.
356
00:18:39,064 --> 00:18:41,131
Jess: I did. We're trying.
357
00:18:41,265 --> 00:18:43,511
- Lina: Oh, that's good.
- Jess: Yeah, you know, I was thinking,
358
00:18:43,531 --> 00:18:46,403
now when you judge me
for being a bad mother,
359
00:18:46,423 --> 00:18:49,705
you can make me feel twice as shitty.
Lina: Okay, all right.
360
00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:51,202
- Jess: I'm doing it for you.
- Lina: Thank you.
361
00:18:51,222 --> 00:18:52,510
Jess: I'm doing it for you.
362
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:53,949
- Lina: That's really considerate.
- Jess (Laughing): Yeah.
363
00:18:53,969 --> 00:18:56,823
Lina: You are never going to let
me forget that, are you?
364
00:18:57,593 --> 00:18:58,925
Jess: No.
365
00:18:58,945 --> 00:19:02,644
Russ: Yeah, I bet AJ's got
a good death story. AJ?
366
00:19:02,664 --> 00:19:04,505
- AJ: Oh. Oh. You think so?
- Russ: Yeah.
367
00:19:04,525 --> 00:19:06,275
- Bernie: I'll hear it.
- AJ: Oh, I do.
368
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:07,814
Shepard: It's gonna be good.
369
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,891
AJ: So, I'm running in the canyon the other
day, and I see this giant,
370
00:19:10,911 --> 00:19:13,335
gigantic pile of horseshit.
371
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,921
- Bernie: Mm.
- AJ: Must have been a 30-pound dump.
372
00:19:15,941 --> 00:19:20,904
And I think to myself,
how great would it be to be responsible
373
00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:24,536
for something that substantial, right?
374
00:19:25,255 --> 00:19:27,762
Wait. So, what's the death part, then?
375
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:32,315
AJ: I shit my brains out. Literally.
376
00:19:32,335 --> 00:19:37,171
Annot just mbrains. All of my vital organs,
liver, kidneys, heart, you name it.
377
00:19:37,191 --> 00:19:43,421
Everything that is inside of me
comes out of me.
378
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:46,811
- I mean, how cool would that be?
- Shepard: Mm.
379
00:19:46,831 --> 00:19:49,229
AJ: For one split second to see
380
00:19:49,249 --> 00:19:51,475
your beating heart in the toilet.
381
00:19:52,948 --> 00:19:56,745
And then you die with a smile
on your face, because you know
382
00:19:56,765 --> 00:19:59,748
you finally did something meaningful.
383
00:20:00,443 --> 00:20:02,112
Okay, um, I don't want this anymore.
384
00:20:03,008 --> 00:20:04,824
(Laughter)
385
00:20:04,844 --> 00:20:07,716
Russ: That is gonna be, uh,
tough to follow.
386
00:20:07,736 --> 00:20:11,121
- Lina: Impossible.
- Russ: What about you, babe?
387
00:20:11,141 --> 00:20:12,394
- Lina: Me?
- Russ: Yeah, let's hear it.
388
00:20:12,414 --> 00:20:14,369
Lina: All right, well, the
389
00:20:14,389 --> 00:20:17,527
girls are gone, they're in college,
they're good. No one's pregnant,
390
00:20:17,547 --> 00:20:20,171
no one's working the pole. Cheers.
391
00:20:20,191 --> 00:20:22,745
Um, we sell the house, and we...
392
00:20:22,765 --> 00:20:26,038
- Russ: Uh, wait. What house?
- Lina: It's my fantasy.
393
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,190
- In my fantasy, we own a house.
- Russ: Oh, all right.
394
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,354
Lina: Okay? We sell the house,
395
00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:36,151
and travel the whole world.
And we see all the places
396
00:20:36,171 --> 00:20:39,323
together that we always
talked about seeing.
397
00:20:39,343 --> 00:20:41,420
And then, when we're done,
398
00:20:41,817 --> 00:20:44,932
- murder, suicide.
- Russ: Ah.
399
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:45,836
(People exclaim)
400
00:20:45,856 --> 00:20:47,935
- Bernie: That's kind of perfect.
- Russ: You want to die together?
401
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,914
Lina: Baby, there's no
one I want to die next to but you.
402
00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:52,974
Russ: Oh, you're the only person
I want to be murdered by.
403
00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:54,401
All: Aw.
404
00:20:54,532 --> 00:20:55,957
Shepard: That's so sweet.
405
00:20:55,977 --> 00:20:57,513
Jess: It's great. You guys are so cute.
406
00:20:57,533 --> 00:20:59,097
How come you never offered murder me?
407
00:20:59,117 --> 00:21:01,472
Anyone want to know how I want to die?
408
00:21:01,492 --> 00:21:03,304
- Shepard: Yes.
- Bernie: Okay.
409
00:21:03,324 --> 00:21:04,979
AJ: Huh?
410
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:06,524
Lina: Choke yourself to death.
411
00:21:06,544 --> 00:21:08,633
- Shepard: Necktie?
- Jess: What's that?
412
00:21:08,653 --> 00:21:10,649
Bernie: Sex accident.
(Laughter)
413
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,021
- Jess: Yeah, yeah.
- AJ: Okay. No.
414
00:21:12,041 --> 00:21:13,478
Bernie: Choking during sex.
415
00:21:13,498 --> 00:21:16,253
Sex accident... yeah, yeah, that's good.
416
00:21:16,387 --> 00:21:19,089
- Shepard: Sex accident. Sex accident.
- Russ: Can I change mine?
417
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:23,607
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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