Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy stewards, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Revolting Russian Revolution.

2017 is the 100th anniversary of the Russian Revolution,

a roller-coaster ride of an event that changed the world forever,

featuring unpopular emperors, mad monks and wild revolutionaries,

and it all happened in a huge

country that had been ruled by the same

Royal Family, the Romanovs, for 300 years.

Russia, a land of extreme size and extreme weather,

but we hardy Russians have survived here for thousands of years.

How?

I'm Nicholas II, Tsar of Russia, and I'm going to tell you how.

Welcome to...

X-Treme Survival, Imperial Russia.

X-Treme Survival, tip one - food.

Crops have failed. What's more,

the landowner's taking half of everything you have.

You need to eat.

Look around you. What do you see?

Dead rat and rotten vegetables may not be tasty,

but they can save your life.

But what I like to do is order in a tonne of exotic food from abroad and

have it shipped into Russia all year round.

Great spread, Greg.

That's X-Treme Survival.

X-Treme Survival, tip two - warmth.

Winter is coming and in Russia, that means a white,

frozen hell from which many people will never wake up.

It's so cold that some people are frozen solid overnight.

He'll be fine. You need to stay warm.

Look around you. What do you see?

Yes, cows produce yummy milk.

However, did you know that by

letting one in your house it can also keep you warm?

Sure, you'll be surrounded by cowpats, but you'll be alive.

But what I like to do is to hunker

down for the winter in one of my many warm palaces.

Good times. And that's...

X-Treme Survival.

X-Treme Survival, tip three - health.

Fighting illness in such desolation is tough.

How can you find medicine when things are so hard?

Goose grass and pine oil are natural Russian remedies that can

help fight cold and infection.

But what I like to do is hire a mad monk called Rasputin who can

apparently heal people with his hypnotic stare.

And that's...

X-Treme Survival.

I should probably do more to help the peasants if I want to survive

as ruler. But what I like to do is...

Pretend nothing's wrong and leave Rasputin and my massively unpopular

German wife in charge whilst I head off to war instead.

Guten Tag, peasant scum.

Feel the power of my stare.

Oh, Rasputin, you're so amazing.

I think she's feeling better now.

I'm Tsar Nicholas II of Russia and this has been...

X-Treme Survival: Imperial Russia.

I can basically do anything I want.

I mean, what's going to happen?

A bunch of angry peasants are going to rise up and take over a

300-year-old monarchy and kill us all?

Dream onski!

Argh!

Greetings, comrade.

I am Ratisov Ratisoyovich, Russian cousin to Rattus.

He would have been here himself, but he was RUSSIAN about!

RUSSIAN about!

Eh? It's me in a big funny hat!

Cor, no wonder the people in Russia

weren't happy with a leader like Nicholas II.

And there was a gang of revolutionary thinkers and fighters

ready to take over, men whose names would go down in history like Lenin,

the bold leader,

Stalin, meaning man of steel,

and Trotsky, the general.

But let's start with the man who

gave them the idea in the first place.

His name was Karl Marx and he came from Germany.

He lived 50 years before the revolution.

The idea was called communism and it laid out the belief that countries

should be ruled by the people for the people,

with everyone being equal.

Now, what could go wrong with that?

Hi! I'm Karl Marx, the great

historical thinker and big grey lion.

It's September 1867

and here's the history forecast,

my prediction of how the world will develop over the next few years.

So looking back first across the Middle Ages,

we saw the kings and queens reigning very severely all across Europe.

Oh.

Difficult conditions for most of us,

a heavy scattering of poor peasants right up until the last couple of

centuries, when a lot of these

reigns suddenly ended and things started to brighten, yeah!

So as we look ahead to the next few years,

we're going to see poor people

rising up and starting revolutions against

the people who control all the factories and money.

This will lead to scattered outbreaks of violence,

so don't forget the umbrella!

There's a good chance of bloodshed

as we move forward into the next phase of history.

By the time we reach the early 20th century,

I predict the picture looks much more settled,

with parts of Europe being ruled fairly, not by businessmen or kings,

but by all of us, the people,

and my new communist system will be sweeping across the planet,

bringing a 100% chance of sunshine for everyone.

At least, that's what I think.

And when has the forecast ever been wrong?

Goodnight.

Caviar is probably Russia's most famous dish.

It's yummy salted fish eggs.

Hang on, these aren't eggs.

They're mouse droppings!

Who's been using my bowl as a toilet?

GIGGLING Honestly, you can't trust anyone.

Marx certainly didn't trust the world's rulers.

His view of communism was that the workers, not the rich,

should run the country and the

people should take control through a revolution.

Marx's ideas became popular with a group of Russians called

the Bolsheviks.

They met in secret to discuss replacing the Romanov Tsar with the

Bolshevik leader, Vladimir Lenin.

And to keep everything really, really shtum,

they would sometimes meet in rather unusual places.

Comrades, our trip to London has been a great success.

We have visited the British library,

where Karl Marx wrote that all

people should be equal and share everything

fairly and I gave a fascinating lecture about the revolution.

Then we visited Highgate Cemetery, where Karl Marx is buried,

and I gave another fascinating lecture about the revolution.

But today, my comrade Maxim Gorky informs me

that you would like to do something a little bit more... Less boring.

Fun, I was going to say, but...

So I have brought you here to London Zoo,

where I will give a fascinating lecture about the revolution.

The Tsars of Russia are our sworn enemy.

To overcome these capitalist...

Ostriches! No, pigs, we call them capitalist pigs, Gorky.

The working man deserves fairness,

but all the rich people care about is...

Penguins! No, not penguins!

Money, money, they care about money.

Under communism, everything is shared out equally.

We can save people from the horrors of...

Ice cream! Get your ice cream!

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Back, back, back.

Communists do not want ice cream.

Come on, Lenin, it's a hot day.

Let us have a little treat.

Fine, one lolly each.

I would like a raspberry ripple.

No, communism does not work that way.

If everything is shared out equally,

you cannot choose a raspberry ripple.

So it's the will of the workers as long as they do whatever you say?

You've got it. Well done.

Right, just for that, you get blackcurrant.

Oh, I hate blackcurrant!

I wanted strawberry.

Under communism...

Right, you, stop it.

Viktor, isn't it? Look, have you

even listened to a word I've been saying?

Yes, Lenin, I totally loved it.

You totally loved it?

OK, which was your favourite bit, then?

Erm, the bit with all the communism.

Comrades, do you want to learn about...

Comrades, there is a walrus in here that looks exactly like Lenin.

You guys have to see this!

I knew we should have gone roller-skating.

Greetings, mortals.

I am the adviser to the Tsarina of Russia, the very popular Rasputin.

Ouch!

Oh, right in the...

OK, so basically everyone hates me and I was eventually murdered by

some of my many enemies.

But how was I killed?

Was I...

The answer is...

A, I was poisoned.

And actually B, shot.

And also C, drowned.

I told you I wasn't popular.

Oh! Oh! A-ha!

Joke's on you.

Mm, tangy.

It's either a pink lady or it's been filled with deadly poison.

Definitely poison.

Yeah, there's loads of poison in there,

you can't even taste the apple.

By now, Russia was fighting in the

First World War and things were getting

much worse for everyone.

The people were at breaking point,

but luckily Tsar Nicholas's attempts to cheer them up were wonderfully

helpful... Nyet!

Good news!

Tsar Nicholas II has come to boost morale.

On your feet.

Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Jolly good to meet you.

So what do you guys do?

I am a soldier, Your Highness.

Fantastic! What a stroke of luck because there's a war on, so...

There's a war on, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah! So what team do you support?

What side are you on?

I am Russian.

Brilliant again!

Cos we wouldn't want any Germans in here, would we?

Because they're the enemy.

Right?

Yeah. Yeah. If I may, Your Highness, we need supplies.

We have no food. We are starving.

Right, yes. And boots.

We weren't issued with enough and I have eaten one of mine.

Very good. And weapons.

And that's something you'd like, is it?

It is kind of tricky to fight a war without weapons.

OK, well, look, the good news is I don't have any of those things,

but I do have a photograph of me.

That should boost morale a couple of notchinios, hm?

A squiggle for you.

Brilliant.

You don't know any decent restaurants around here, do you?

Restaurants... No.

No, no, you're the chap that ate the boot.

Come on, Greg, let's roll.

I'm famished.

If we get out of this alive,

we have got to get rid of him.

Don't eat the photo.

We interrupt this broadcast with some breaking news.

It's February 1917 and revolution

has broken out in the streets of Russia.

We go live now to our reporter on the scene.

I'm Katie Wool with news that Tsar Nicholas II has given up his throne.

The people have had enough of his rule and are taking control.

Sorry to interrupt, Katie, but

there's been some breaking breaking news.

I'm Robin Persil. I'm here at Finland Station,

which isn't in Finland,

it's in St Petersburg, which is now called Petrograd.

Chances are I'm not called Robin Persil any more!

Either way, I have news of a surprise arrival.

Oh, and I think he's here now.

Way ahead of you, Robin, soz.

And he's with me now.

Communist leader Vladimir Lenin.

Out of the country for ten years,

you must be delighted with the reception.

Comrades, it's great to be back in Russia! Yes, it is!

With the Royal Family gone, everyone now needs to do as I...

No, no, no, the people.

As the people command!

Sorry, Katie,

this news just breaking is breaking news that's breaking now.

Forces who are sympathetic to the

Tsar are now fighting back against the Communists.

I'm joined by Maria from the...

Women's Battalion of Death!

Oh, that's a cool name.

And Peter from the...

The Bicycle Battalion.

Yeah, not as good. Communists, die!

Hang on! I'm right behind you!

Hold that. Maria!

Is there a cycle lane?

Old news, Robin.

It's now October,

the second revolution is in full

swing and the communists are on the rise.

You, old man, say words.

Comrade Lenin is fighting to create a better world for working people.

And what about those who say that

Lenin makes other people do the fighting

for him while he puts on a disguise and hides?

Who said I...?

Such liars are enemies of the people.

Quick tip - a beard isn't a great

disguise if you already have a beard.

Sorry to interrupt, Katie, but one, I'm not, and two,

I am inside the Winter Palace, the Tsar's home,

which has been taken over by the Communists.

I can now speak to two of the

leaders of the new October Revolution,

Leon Trotsky and Joseph Stalin.

Guys, congratulations.

Da, it is a victory for all working people,

but as the leader of the troops, I am especially proud of...

Oh, it says in the paper here that I was more of a leader than you.

Oh! You are the editor of the newspaper. You wrote it yourself.

Only because it is true.

Do you think you're better than me?

Oh, no, you better did not!

Oh, no, you didn't! It's really kicking off in here!

I have to interrupt your boring report, Robin,

because I am once more with the main man himself, Vladimir Lenin,

arriving at the Winter Palace.

Are the soldiers gone?

Yes, victory is yours.

How do you feel?

Once the revolution is complete

there will be no more inequality, no war, no conflict.

Everybody will live in peace.

Hi, there, Robin Persil here, reporting live.

I'm Katie... And I'm Robin...

Thank you, Robin, thank you, Katie.

We'll keep you up to date with any further developments.

The revolution soon spread from Russia to other countries around

its border and together they became

known as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, or...

♪ So we won the day, it's all changed here, a new country

♪ Russia now but a union

♪ Of Soviet Socialist Republics

♪ Don't exactly roll off the tongue

♪ So we say USSR

♪ Sounds great when played on guitar, boy

♪ Yes, we're the USSR

♪ Marx said it couldn't work

♪ And Russia said it would never stick, ha!

♪ But in 1922 and in other countries too

♪ And in the future we became even more big, big, gigantic

♪ Let me tell ya

♪ Revolution here has been a great success

♪ Red's no longer under the bed

♪ Nicholas II everybody reckons

♪ Much better ruler now he's dead

♪ I'm back in USSR

♪ We said ta-ta to the tsar boy

♪ Back in USS, back in USS, back in USSR! ♪

So now Lenin and his Bolsheviks were

in charge and that was the end of the Russian royal family.

They came to a sticky end, I'm afraid to say.

Communism spread to other countries near Russia and together they became

the Soviet Union or

the USSR.

Lenin ruled for seven years and died in 1924,

but just because he died doesn't mean you can't still visit him...

Pryvet!

You know, a lot of people say to me, "Comrade Lenin,

"how do you keep your skin looking so young,

"given that you are dead and everything?"

My secret - Lenin's Revolutionary Embalming Process.

It's so easy - simply die,

lie back, and let Russia's finest boffins do the work.

Here's the science bit.

First, they remove your brain and all your organs.

Next, they fill you with

formaldehyde and gently apply a cleansing bleach

to keep your skin looking young and free of telltale fungus,

and in no time at all, you, too,

will be looking as good as the day you died...

nearly 100 years ago.

Come see for yourself.

I'm still around today.

Red Square Moscow open ten to one, Tuesday to Thursday.

No dogs allowed. Still got it!

Lenin's Revolutionary Embalming Process,

because I am worth it, comrades, nyet?

Now we have a new man in power and he was

planning to stay there.

Whoa!

Joseph Stalin killed or imprisoned anyone who spoke out against him.

It's no wonder we were all terrified of him.

He even had the history books,

photos and newspapers changed to make him look good.

And that wasn't all - they even changed the children's stories.

Uncle Joe Stalin's Nursery Rhymes,

50 classic children's songs heavily edited by our great leader to turn

every child into an obedient little Stalinist,

including his favourite, Old MacDonald.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm

♪ That Stalin took away

♪ Now no farmers own their farms

♪ And that's A-OK

♪ With forced labour here and forced labour there

♪ Here forced labour, there forced labour

♪ Everywhere there's forced labour. ♪

And this much improved version of Clap Your Hands...

♪ If you're happy with Stalin clap your hands

♪ If you're happy with Stalin then you really need to show it

♪ If you're happy with Stalin clap your hands. ♪

And don't stop for at least 11 minutes.

Otherwise, he will put you in labour camp for ten years.

And who could forget I Knew An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly?

♪ I knew an old lady who swallowed a fly... ♪

And that was enough food for her.

She didn't overeat like a capitalist pig.

STOMACH GURGLES

And many, many more.

Remember, it's never too early to start brainwashing your kids.

Buy it now.

I said now!

But Russia is a wonderful place, too, and throughout history,

many powerful leaders have tried to invade and conquer Russia,

but they all found out the hard way, it's not as easy as it looks.

Hey, guys, Dave TDS here.

Now, loads of you have been messaging in saying, "Dave,

"have you ever tried invading Russia?"

"And I'm, like, 'No, I totally haven't.'"

So in today's video, we're going to give it a go.

It's 1707, and we're going to invade

Russia as King Charles XII of Sweden.

We're on the Peter the Great level.

OK, my plan is to attack quickly and...

Hey, they're running away! No way! I haven't even started.

Let's chase them, grab some food and power-ups.

This is too easy.

Uh-oh, what's Scorched Earth?

The Russians are setting fire to all the food and power ups.

Peter the Great Big Cheat, more like.

No! Russian Winter!

We've been totally iced.

Oh, game over for me and the entire Swedish Empire.

OK, let's go again. This time it's 1812 and I can't lose

as I'm fighting as the big man, the great Napoleon.

Now, Napoleon can pretty much call up all the French people to fight,

so my army is mega-huge.

Never mind a walk-through, this is going to be a walkover.

Guys. Not this time, fellas.

There's ages till the Russian winter.

All I have to do is get to Moscow.

Yeah, I've taken the city and...

They set it on fire!

It's your own city, guys!

Seriously? OK, got me a bit of time before winter...

No! Beaten by the winter again.

OMG, disaster.

This time it's 1941 and I'm Hitler's Operation Barbarossa invading the

USSR. I'm facing the end-of-level

boss Stalin and I am not messing about this time.

I've got the biggest military force ever assembled and Hitler's

special move.

Hey, they're running away!

It doesn't matter, guys, I'm ready for them this time.

I can still catch them at Stalingrad with

my tanks and... Wow.

This is new.

Stalin has used his Women And Children special move.

His troops are fighting like mad to protect them.

This guy's crazy.

I'm still stronger than him, so as long as we can avoid winter...

No! No way, I've lost again!

So if this game teaches us anything,

the best tip for invading Russia is don't even bother.

See you later! Bye!

It's not surprising that despite helping win the Second World War,

Stalin now had rivals all around the world,

even in other countries that were now communist too.

Like Chairman Mao, the leader of China.

Ah, Marshall Zuko,

this is an auspicious occasion for the day we take action against the

Soviet Union's great rival...

Chairman Mao of China.

I shall mobilise our armed forces immediately, Comrade Stalin.

This will not be a military attack.

Espionage, then? We shall send our best spies.

Espionage is but a small part of it.

Assassination? No.

Propaganda? Warmer.

Do you want to just tell me? I was enjoying that, but whatever.

I want you to steal the Chinese leader's poo-poo.

I'm hoping that's the name of his panda.

Nope. Our gadget maker Q-ovich has come up with this.

A toilet?

A toilet that will take away Chairman Mao's poo-poo.

But don't all toilets...?

Take away his poo-poo and store it, Marshall,

so that you can collect it.

It'll be a big job, but I think you can handle it.

What we find in this toilet, we will use against him.

What are you going to do?

Throw it at him? No, Marshall, the information,

we will use the information against him. What he eats, what he drinks,

what makes him ill. The poo is like a little brown crystal ball.

So, Marshall, what do you think of my plan?

Erm, Comrade Stalin, are you sure about this?

I mean, what's better than conventional espionage?

Es-poo-onage, that's what!

Don't forget to wash your hands.

It's true, Stalin really was so suspicious of Chairman Mao that he

was looking into his business.

He was his number two priority, ha-ha-ha!

But Mao wasn't his only rival.

In the years after the Second World War,

a different kind of war developed.

A subtle, secret war of spies, threats, propaganda,

assassinations and nuclear weapons.

The two main enemies were the USA and the USSR.

They never actually went into physical battle against each other.

This war was called

the Cold War.

The Soviet Union has declared war with the west.

I'm Katie Wool here with

former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

Winston, what's happening?

Absolutely nothing.

It's a Cold War.

Right, a Cold War, what's that?

Do the soldiers sneeze on each other?

No. From Stettin in the north to

Trieste in the south, an Iron Curtain

here has descended across Europe, separating East from West.

I wouldn't want to iron that curtain.

No, it's not an actual curtain.

It's a metaphor to illustrate a point.

Sorry, Sophie, your curtain might not be real, but this wall is.

It's the Berlin Wall.

It's 1961 and all around the western half of Berlin,

which is in the middle of Russian-controlled East Germany,

a wall is being built to stop people escaping.

I'm joined now by east German leader Walter Ulbricht.

Now, Walter, how long will the wall be when it's finished?

About 91 miles.

OK, and wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to use a curtain like they have in

Russia? It's not a real curtain!

And that's an exclusive.

I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Robin,

as I am with someone much more important than you.

Leader of the USSR Nikita Khrushchev,

is this a real war or not?

Well, Katie, there's plenty of fighting going on

here, here, here and, erm, here.

But if your enemy is the West, why not just fight America and Britain?

That is a good question.

Come with me. That is why we have this red button here.

Don't worry, I just touch it for demonstration purposes.

You see, this button would unleash a huge nuclear attack against all the

countries of the west. Yes, they have one too, aimed at us,

so nobody dares to push it otherwise the whole world goes -

how you say in English - KABOOM!

But that's mad.

Yes, MAD. Mutually assured destruction.

Exactly. Oh, thank you.

No! Don't worry, I'm just putting my coffee cup down.

He's very anxious, I apologise about him.

This is not a cappuccino!

This is a latte! What you do?!

Please! Hey, don't worry about it, I just got a little bit angry.

So very nervous.

Stop looking at... You don't want me to touch it?

Oh! Oh, I nearly touch!

Stop, please! I going to...? Oh!

No, please, please!

Oh! I'm all right.

Oh, well, so much for the big Cossack dance dancing finish.

In the end, after a long, painful Cold War,

people got fed up with the way

communism tried to control their lives,

just like they got fed up with the Tsars,

even though the idea was everyone should be equal,

people were still being oppressed by the government.

Communism fell apart across Europe,

the walls between the two sides came down,

like the Berlin Wall in 1989,

and two years later, the Soviet Union itself

collapsed and went back to being 15 separate countries.

I wonder what Lenin,

Stalin and all those revolutionaries from 100 years ago would

have thought about that...

♪ We used to rule the universe

♪ Think we're bad? We thought the tsars much worse

♪ In '61 the Soviets split Berlin

♪ Built a wall to keep you out And their people locked in

♪ In 1917 we fought the Tsar

♪ The empire strikes back but can't beat our star

♪ Our comradeship said all men are equal

♪ Except when it's more equal in our Tsar Wars sequel

♪ Back in the day for the workers we fight

♪ Against the capitalists but I'm outta sight

♪ Unlike China who still have their wall

♪ This was a wall that was doomed to fall

♪ Country after country they've had enough

♪ To the Soviet Union they said get stuffed

♪ Like Wizard of Oz they don't lead us ruthless

♪ Pulled back iron curtain to leave us toothless

♪ By 1989 the masses revolted... ♪

Hey, Joe! Remind you of anything?

♪ Want revolution? Now in Berlin you got one

♪ Turns out tsar not the only problem

♪ Weren't trying to build an empire but hey

♪ Just seemed to kind of end up that way

♪ Back then our people told the tsars to go

♪ Only this time we were the hated foe

♪ The people gave the Berlin wall some welly

♪ First revolution to be watched on telly

♪ Hated state cops were called the Stasi

♪ Now so scared, locked themselves in the khazi

♪ Country after country they've had enough

♪ To the Soviet Union they said get stuffed

♪ Like Wizard of Oz they don't lead us ruthless

♪ Pulled back iron curtain to leave us toothless

♪ Berlin reunited without firing a shot

♪ The locals got rid of our communist bomb

♪ Our hopes and dreams took a turn for the worst

♪ And we no longer ruled the universe. ♪

Oh! Almost!

A-ha!

What's that line...

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0