Original subtitles

Can you hear them?

Oh, yes.

Snap, crackle and pop.

They sounds like tiny people.

Plip-plip-plip-plip-plip!

"Help me, I can't swim!"

Guys, do you mind?

What are they doing?

Talking about the cereal.

Red man! Red man! Red man! Red man!

- Postman's coming. - How do you...?

Oh!

I'll go with you. # Friends together

# Fetch the post together... #

Cornflakes were actually invented

to stop people from touching themselves, apparently.

Never did like cornflakes.

Give me an egg atop a cutlet any day of the diary.

Ooh!

- Toaster. - Yes, I know, I wasn't scared.

# ...Let me read the post... #

It's so exciting reading one's correspondences.

I bet these are from all your admirers. I promise I won't tell Michael!

Anything interesting?

Red bill.

Red bill.

Normal bill.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

They're looking for a house to film a new drama in.

Oh, I smell money!

- You can eat them now. - What?

They have stopped calling out. They are dead.

Yeah, I mean, it really is an incredible place.

The building itself is 15th century.

Wow.

1469, to be precise.

Very good.

- But the facade is actually mid-16th. - But the facade

is actually mid-16th.

'Tis the finest house in the county.

Tell her it's the finest house in the county.

I don't want to...

...blow our own trumpet,

but some people say that it is the finest house in the county.

Shall we go inside?

I'm telling you, this is a bad idea.

Actors lounging about the house,

learning lines, wearing make-up,

prancing about the place in loincloths,

topless, oiled up.

- Kissing each other probably. - Oh, gosh!

I don't think it's that kind of film, mate!

This was the banqueting hall.

- Great space. - Boo!

Oh! Agh!

Oh, I forgot to take out the bins.

Anyway, what could I tell you about this room?

Henry VIII actually dined here.

Wow! Henry VIII actually dined here.

Sorry, did I say "wow"?

I'm just still amazed by that.

- No, it is wow. - Yeah.

Yeah, you should've seen the banquet. He had swan.

- He had swan. - And hog.

- And hog. - And dumplings.

- And dumplings. - And figs.

- And figs. - Absolutely stank out the privy.

And absolutely loved the place.

Absolutely loved it.

As do we!

Hmm. Shall we move on?

Er, give us a lift?

- Mate? - OK.

Thank you. Yay!

What's the programme, then?

It's a period drama.

- Oh, what period? - Stuart!

- Tudor! - Regency!

- Regency. - Yes!

Sorry! Got carried away!

Oh, there you are!

Are you a sight for sore...?

Oh, you are kidding me?

When I have control of the hands, I am going to punch you so hard.

I think this place is perfect,

if you'd be willing to have us here for a couple of months.

How much would you be offering?

- 3,000. - We'd have to sleep on it.

- 3,000 a day is the most we can offer. - A day?!

Morning! I've just slept on it and I say yes!

- And it's a yes from me! - Great!

Just to warn you, though, it is quite intrusive.

- Lots of personnel. - Sounds fun.

It can feel like you're not welcome in your own home.

- Absolutely outrageous. - We're used to that.

We've had building work going on.

Is there anything structural we should know about?

- Well, the floor in this room... - No, no, no!

No, there's nothing structural.

Everything's structurally sound as a pound!

We were looking at a property in the next village,

but they're a big family

and they had some issues about which rooms we could use.

Well, we're easy. You can film wherever you like, when you like.

Cos it's just the two of us.

Yeah...

Oh, here they come. The riffraff.

The lags. This will be chaos.

Hmm.

- Morning. - Mind your backs!

ADs on channel 2, please.

Well, I'm keeping out of it.

Yes, though I might just, erm...check.

Yeah. Hm.

Um...

Oh, that looks absolutely lovely, that, doesn't it?

You gonna put an egg on it?

He's put an egg on it!

Can I have some veggie sausages, please?

- No. - On a roll.

No. Disgusting.

You be beautiful wigs

that I ever did s... Ooh!

Have you left your tongs on, Tina?

Is this meant to be 1820s?

Those are Rococo chairs and tables.

You can tell by the legs. They're Rococo legs.

Hi, I'm Adam, I'm the first assistant director.

- Nice to meet you, hi. - Hi.

Sorry...

What do you mean, he's still in make-up?

We're not meant to have more than 15 people on this floor,

and some of these things weigh as much as people, so that's...

It'll be fine. I'm sure that's an exaggeration.

But the survey said...

Yeah, the survey also said that we need to replace the drains,

and we need this money to do that.

There aren't that many people, anyway.

As long as there isn't anything that's too heavy.

Mind your backs!

OK! You can store this in the other room, actually.

It's easier for you then, isn't it?

Just keep things a bit more uncluttered in here. The room just along there.

Can we just...?

- Er... - Little horse go clippy-clippy-clop.

Oh, I see.

Oh, hey!

- No! - What a business!

Oh, you done it now, man.

I suppose we should call it a day... Hello to you, sir!

The gee-gees, come on, then. Let's have a bit of this.

Come on.

OK.

That's an arrival on Toby. Just stepping out of the car.

Oh, my God.

Who is that?

Toby Nightingale.

- He is... - Hot, right?

It's certainly a lot of layers.

No, Kitty, she means to say

she's in love with him.

A knife in my heart!

Look at all his servants.

He looks preposterous.

Nine, ten...

He counts as two.

What are you...?

Ah.

- Oh, no. - Everything OK?

- No. Yeah. Everything's fine.

It's just Toby Nightingale, that's her free pass.

Free pass? Oh, right!

Ha! Don't let him hear that.

Yeah, I won't.

I definitely won't.

Julian! I say, Julian!

What do you want? I'm terribly busy.

You wouldn't happen to know what a "free pass" means?

Something Michael said.

Oh, yes. Samantha Fox was mine.

I do hope she's still modelling. Very talented lady.

Alison's is this actor fellow.

What does it mean?

Well, it's a sort of clause in a marriage contract.

A named exception to the rule of monogamy.

Sometimes there's a whole list of people

with whom one can enter into congress without consequences.

My God! Margot had three of the Gladiators on her list -

Wolf, Cobra and John Fashanu.

You mean to say that this player, this minstrel,

is allowed to bed fair Alison?

He's her free pass.

I'll start here, and I think I'm going to approach...

What are they feeding the metal cow?

Oh! No, that's not a cow, Mary, no. That's called a camera.

Yes. They're just cleaning the lens.

Is that its mouth?

No, no, no. That's its, erm, eye.

OK, checks are happy.

What does that mean?

I thought you weren't interested?

What? No, no, no, I just wanted to, erm, you know?

Can we clear the frame now?

First positions. Call for quiet.

- Quiet on set, please! - That's extraordinary.

Camera set?

Huh! Getting a good look, are we?

- Quiet! - Hmm?

- Alison! - Shush.

- A word, if you please. - Shh-shh-shh!

- Is it true that...? - Shush...

...everyone.

Thank you.

- And action! - Oh, that's very good.

They've left for London. It's a pity that such a sweet girl

should have such low connections.

Ooh! She's a fancy flapjack.

Perhaps you are too harsh on your sex, Miss Jane.

In truth, you have not had experience of all of society.

I am beginning to believe that this severity

is born from other distractions.

Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane?

My lord.

Kiss him!

What is it? Damn you!

- Yes, what is it? Damn you! - A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.

- Byron? - Cut!

- Cut what? Oh, not my lace! - Byron? Did he say Byron?

Isn't he going to read the letter?

I'm sure Adam knows what he's doing.

That's one out, three in.

Four.

God, they're everywhere!

This is about Byron?

Well, yeah, I mean, the clue is in the title, mate.

What effrontery is this?

I cannot and will not bear it!

Can we take that key light up a little?

Ohh...

You do light.

- He's smaller in real life, isn't he? - Taller, if anything.

I wish I could see his calves.

I bet he's got lovely calves.

- Well, I thought that was rather good. - No good for me.

It sounds like there's a radio on somewhere.

- Can we find out where the...? - I'm on it.

I can also hear a wood pigeon.

Yeah, good luck with that one, mate.

- What's up after this one? - We're in the bedroom for the sex scene.

Oh, my!

- Sorry, Julian, they can hear it on set. - No, actually, this is important.

I need to... Don't do that! I've got a bet on.

- You've got a bet on? - That's what I said.

You can't bet, you're dead.

All right, don't rub it in.

It's a sportsman's bet with myself.

Ooh, hold on a minute.

- You could put a bet on for me. - You haven't got any money, you're...

Dead! I know, you just said that, I get it!

But you could keep my winnings,

maybe buy yourself a pretty little dress.

Perhaps some make-up.

Make yourself look nice.

I really believe you have it in you, Alison.

Just need a bit of help, that's all.

- Wow. - You're welcome.

Just keep the radio off, please!

Will do! Mystery Queen - 10-1!

Sorted.

Thank you. OK!

- I can hear the radio again. - One sec!

I told you to turn it off.

No, actually, no, you didn't. You said...

Er...hold on a moment! This is my house too.

I have a right to the amenities.

- This is an infringement of my... - Write to your MP!

She got me there.

Sorry about that.

It won't happen again now.

OK.

Let's not get behind. First positions, please!

- That's it, Adam, call them to order! - Sound speed.

Here we go, stand by! Settle.

- And action! - Action.

They've left for London.

It's a pity that such a sweet girl should have such low connections.

- She said that before. - Yes, that's because...

Please, Pat. We're turning.

Perhaps you are too harsh on your sex, Miss Jane.

In truth you have not had

experience of all of society.

I am beginning to believe that this severity

is born of other distractions.

Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane?

Robin!

For God's sake!

Sorry. It was just a really good take, wasn't it?

Harry!

Sorry, I don't know why that happened. I'll sort it.

OK, let's cut and reset as quickly as possible, please.

No, we don't have time. We'll just use the beginning of that one.

Let's move on before we lose the day.

OK, moving on! Set up for the next shot, please.

Moving on, please, everyone. Moving on.

Can I take a look at playback, please?

'Tis witchcraft.

Their souls be captured in the window.

Oh, no, no, no. It's all being recorded on to a video cassette.

But how are they cleft in twain?

They be there and there.

What?

Oh, God.

Um... Sorry if I distracted you there.

Oh, I didn't notice. I was completely in the scene.

Great.

We haven't met, have we?

- I'm Toby. - I-I-I'm Alison.

Can I just say how good I thought you were in The Shoe Shiner?

Fire away.

Oh, er, yeah.

I just thought you were so good.

- It's actually one of my favourite films. - I'm Mike.

I completely believed that you were blind.

Thanks. I spent a week at a hotel for the blind.

Wore a blindfold, really got to know the condition.

One of the most rewarding times of my life.

- Wow. - I tell you what,

food never tasted so good.

Now I always eat with my eyes closed.

Mind your backs, please!

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Excuse me, Toby.

No problem.

Nice to meet you, Abigail.

It's...It's Alison.

That looks really heavy. Shall we just come clean?

What, and tell them that they're working on a death trap?

Look, if you go outside, that's one less.

Both of us.

Fine.

Curses!

A pox on all of them...

...apart from Alison.

Finally!

Come to coax me back, have you?

It's no use!

Nothing will persuade me to... Oh, it's you.

Go and get Alis... Oh, he can't hear me.

Harry, can you hurry with that light, please?

So the metal cow remembers what it sees...

Through its one eye?

Yeah. And it sends the memories through the cables...

- Worms. - Worms, if you like.

...to the little window.

Where the tiny peoples dance the memories.

Yeah, if you like.

Ohh!

Come to dadda.

There we go, that's all good.

Seems to be all right now.

Thanks, Harry, just one more, from the top.

I thought they were moving on? When are they moving on?

Oh, they do lots of different camera angles.

How many?

Quiet on set, please!

Quiet on set, please.

- Turning over. - Sound speed.

- And action! - Action.

They've left for London. It's a pity...

Stand aside, Thorne!

- You really want to know what vexed me? - No!

Fine, I'll tell you.

Lord Byron was my greatest foe.

If I had flesh and this were Byron himself,

I would damn well run him through!

He stole my verse,

my destiny,

and now he is to steal the woman of my dreams!

You say every woman is the woman of your dreams.

I have a lot of dreams! And most of them are about women...

...apart from the one where I have the body of a crab.

What is it? Damn you!

Begging your pardon. A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.

I will not tolerate this sordid pantomime in my house

glorifying this charlatan!

This cad!

This wazzock!

What's a wazzock?

Pat says it! I'm going to drown myself in the lake.

I mean it!

- Cut! - Cut there!

Right, we're going to take a couple of minutes,

just to turn things around for the reverse.

- Actors, you can relax yourselves off. - Right, that's two minutes, people,

and then we're going to turn it round. Thank you very much.

God, this is good.

Oh, hey, Abigail.

- Oh, it's Alis... - I wonder if I could ask you a favour.

I've got this scene later, I need to run the lines.

I didn't want to ask her, because I find it can stifle spontaneity,

and I want to keep it fresh and beautiful.

I'm Lord Byron, obviously.

Yep.

I've thought of nothing but you all day.

Have you?

Oh...

No, that's the scene, that's the first line.

Oh, oh-oh! Oh! Of course!

Why would you...?

That's... OK!

- I've thought of nothing but you all day. - Hmm.

Do not deny your feelings.

- I do not. - Alison?

Oh, my heart.

- First, I will kiss your lips. - Ohh!

- Then I will undress you. - Ohh...

And then...

And then...

Squares!

Hah! Bingo!

Can we have some music on, please, Cathy?

My bus, my rules! I've got 20 quid on this!

Ah, yes.

You are on a sinful path.

I can't talk about this now. It's not what you think it is.

Oh, I know all about this so-called free pass.

Your husband may be satisfied but, I tell you, I am not.

The marriage vows are sacred, and I will not have you

sullying the good name of this family with your wanton debauchery!

Mmm...

- Hey! - Hi!

How's it going?

What are you wearing?

Oh, I thought I'd go for a run.

- Now? You don't run. - Hey, going for a run?

Yeah, I like to keep in shape.

What are we talking? 5K?

Pfft! 10...at least.

Cool. I'm actually in training for my next project.

I'm playing a mountain climber, so I'm mainly focusing on upper-body strength.

Yeah? Me...me too!

One...

Why is that...?

Are you actually going up a real-life mountain?

- Of course. - Mike couldn't do that.

- He's scared of heights. - I wouldn't say scared.

Oh, I love them, if anything.

Don't faze me at all.

OK, back on in five, everyone!

OK, well, I'd better get going.

- Keep an eye on the floor, yeah? - Hmm.

Enjoy your 10K.

Oh, my God. How much does that thing weigh?

Watch yourself, coming through.

Where have all these people come from? There's twice as many.

In your face!

Robin! What the bally hell do you think you're playing at?

- Bigger boy made me do it. - No! It's nonsense, and you know it!

Yeah, I just think it's a shame we're not just pushing in

for that moment there, just to capture the emotion.

Well, I'm sure they know what they're doing, Mary.

Will, can you just push in a little? Just get the emotion.

- Yeah, sure. - Well done, Mary!

This is taking for ever.

That's probably about 10K.

Little short cut...

Oh... Why is that?

First positions.

Thanks for your patience, everyone.

This is the last set-up.

Toby.

Toby.

Lord Byron?

- Yes? - First positions.

Turning.

Sound speed!

- And action. - Action.

They've left for London.

In truth, you have not had experience of all of society.

I am beginning to believe that this severity

is born from other distractions.

Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane?

My lord.

And cut!

That's scene complete.

That should hold it.

Jolly good. Excellent work, everybody, thank you.

Thank you so much for your hard work today, everyone.

It does not go unnoticed. Lovely working with you, thank you.

Thank God.

I thought they were never going to finish.

Moving on to the bedroom.

Closed set, just essential crew, please, cos there'll be nudity.

Oh, I hope he has a hairy chest.

Good Lord. OK, it's a closed set.

There will be intercourse, apparently.

Next up, it's the main event of the day, this is the big one,

the King Henry Stakes.

As the riders line up, the atmosphere here is absolutely electric.

Here we go! Fingers-fingers!

There you are, Harry, straight through, yep.

First door on the right, thank you.

Er, no. No, thank you.

You heard Adam. It's a closed set.

Essential crew only.

Especially not you, Robin!

I'll be good.

There's no harm in it. They can't see us, mate.

Yeah, we're ghosts, you warty old crunk.

That is beside the point.

Rules are rules, and young Adam deserves our every respect.

OK, if everyone's happy. Let's clear the room.

Mah!

Good Lord.

- Ah-ah-ah-ah! - Why he do rain dance?

The Devil plays with his strings!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- He's getting himself in the zone. - Ah.

Fixed it!

Oh, great!

Before or after the 10K?

Where's your free pass?

You...

You're not are you actually jealous?

No.

But, I mean, he is handsome.

Hmm.

And...action.

No, thank you!

I've thought of nothing but you all day.

Yes!

- What are you all doing here? - We're not allowed in.

- They're making love. - What?!

No, no, no, Fanny, no! No, Fanny!

Bradley's Misdemeanour challenged by the outsider Mystery Queen.

- Come on, Bradley! - Come on, Mystery Queen!

Alison!

First, I will kiss you...

Mystery Queen on the nearside... Come on!

Help! I can't pull myself up.

Come on!

Stop kicking!

Come on!

Oh, come on!

- Robin! - What? It wasn't me!

- Have you got me? Have you got me? - It's OK. Let yourself down. Slowly.

Have you got...?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You're fine now, you're all right now.

All right.

Someone get a medic in here.

- Toby, are you OK? - No, I'm not.

I could've died, and then where would you be?

Where did you get that from?

I think you know.

That's a terrible shame.

I thought you didn't want them here?

Not for me, for you.

The money and so on.

I shan't miss him...them!

'Tis back to boredom, I suppose.

Oh, never bored with chess board.

Well, I think it quite the best to be free from distractions.

You do know that free pass thing's a joke?

Wasn't in my marriage.

Goodbye, £96,000.

Yeah...

Well, at least we won 100 quid.

Mystery Queen.

Got a tip from a ghost.

That's how we can make money!

No, they're...they're ghosts, Mike.

I think you're thinking of time-travellers.

Oh.

- Yeah, but... - No.

Well, Thomas will be glad they've gone.

Yeah, perhaps someone should tell him.

Come on, Pat. Chop chop!