Original subtitles

(BOOMING)

REED: Transspatial quantifiers online.

Extruding prime reality particles

and galactic positioning system is in the green.

Or, as us non-eggheads say, "Welcome home!"

I gotta say, we're going to another galaxy,

I was expecting a little more excitement, more razzle-dazzle...

(RUMBLING)

JOHNNY: Like that.

REED: Nothing to worry about.

Probably an aftershock from subspace travel.

I haven't quite perfected the re-entry subroutine.

JOHNNY: No kidding.

BEN: You can count me out of these Sunday drives. Too bumpy.

Did the wittle wock pile twist a pebble out of place?

Zip it, Matchstick.

(ALL SHOUTING)

BEN: Now what?

REED: Susan.

Hold on!

Oh, yeah. You guys can't fly.

I got genius all over me.

(DOG WHIMPERING)

Do we have a dog?

(DOG HOWLING)

Oh, Susan, darling!

I simply couldn't wait any longer to welcome you home.

Welcome us? Wait, is this a joke? Are you suing us again?

How about you make some coffee and we'll chitty-chit-chat about your...

Right, now is not a good time, Courtney.

Reed's decalciferated something. I have to go.

Operative 417 to Command. Subjects are in place.

Begin observation and collection of samples.

REED: HERBIE, I need you to run a system diagnostic.

The doorbell and the elevator are malfunctioning.

(HERBIE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

I'm sorry. The cat is what?

(HERBIE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

HERBIE, why are you speaking in Spanish?

And why are you not making sense?

(HERBIE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

I have triple backups to prevent a full system failure.

What is going on? HERBIE, can you...

(HERBIE SHOUTING)

Courtney hates us. Why would she welcome us home?

I still say she's a Doombot. No one could be that horrible.

My cheesesteak tastes like chicken.

Oh, come on, the plumbing, too? This is ridiculous.

I'm calling someone.

This apple tastes like chicken, too.

You'd think with all the hi-tech, genius inventions Reed's put in this building,

we can have clean water.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

BEN: This soda tastes like chicken.

Chicken.

(DOG BARKING)

I'll get it.

(DOG BARKING)

(LAUGHING)

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Willie. Little early for Christmas cards, isn't it?

Here, I'll take...

Here are your presents. It's so good to see you again, Human...

Torch. Human Torch.

(CAT SCREECHING)

Oh, look, you have letters.

Mr. Fantastic, the Thing and Susan Storm, the Invisible Woman.

Tell me, her brother, what do you think Susan is most afraid of in all the universe?

I don't know. Clowns, maybe.

(GASPS)

I thought we could cook together, or possibly do arts and crafts.

Courtney, now is not a good time. We're having problems with...

How did you get in here?

Problems? How exciting!

You must have so many adventures as cosmically-altered superbeings.

It must be so wonderful.

Well, you look amazing.

You must tell me, who cuts your hair, and how you've been doing,

and how exactly your brother Jonathan's powers work.

(GRUNTS)

Stupid elevator. HERB!

Set up the weights. I got to work this kink out of my back.

(HERBIE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Wait. Was that technical or just not English?

HERBIE: Warning, red life form located.

(METALLIC CLANGING)

Well, my back does feel better.

(HEAVY METALLIC SCRAPING)

Hey, watch it! HERBIE, when I get my hands on you...

Like I said, HERBIE, you're the best. My favorite computer...

(GRUNTS)

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Thing.

(GRUNTING)

- Greetings, Benjamin. - Alicia, watch out! The room's gone...

Crazy, or maybe I have.

Look, I am an artist and have made you something.

Oh, that's really something, Alicia.

Yes, it is artistic genius.

Genius. Just like Reed Richards.

Speaking of Reed, what do you think his most crucial weakness is?

(REED SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

HERBIE? Mrs. Monet.

I'm very busy right... What are you... How did you get in here?

Oh, that nice Benjamin Grimm,

also known as the Thing, let me in.

I like him. He's so wonderful.

Maybe you could tell me everything you know about him.

Like his skin density and other strength limits.

I'm sorry. I just don't have time right now, Mrs. Monet.

- Maybe next week. - SUZY: Reed, is this thing working?

I read you, Susan, what is it?

You mean, aside from the elevators, the plumbing, electrical, phones

and the fact that all food tastes like chicken.

We're infested with neighbors.

Can you just come down here? Something weird is going on.

You don't say.

COURTNEY: And then we can watch movies

and talk all about the effects of cosmic rays.

Dude, I don't have any of Sue's hair. And this is creepy.

I'm sorry, Alicia. I just need some sleep, I think.

But thanks for the... Whatever this is.

ALICIA: Maybe staying up and talking will help you sleep.

We could talk about art or spontaneous human combustion.

We have to get a new mailman.

REED: Could everyone join me in the living room?

I'm having the most stimulating conversation with Mrs. Monet.

That's great, Mrs. Monet.

I'm so glad you and your cats are doing well.

No problems? You feel okay?

Pish tosh, I'm fine. You're so sweet to ask.

Well, we've known each other for what, 500 years, is that about right?

- Is Reed that old? - Yes, I think that's about right.

Yes, I remember. We met on the moon.

You had flown up in your bathtub, isn't that right?

Oh, the moon, so beautiful.

I haven't taken the bathtub out there in years.

Of course not, not with your beautiful wings.

They're so white and fluffy. Would you mind? I'd love to see them.

Oh, you're such a charmer.

SUZY: You can say that again.

See, they don't suspect a thing.

It was lovely chatting with you.

- Maybe I can come back later? - Maybe.

Not.

- What was that? - What happened to Mrs. Monet?

- And Alicia. - Who's up for pizza?

Stretch?

SUZY: Wait, should we be using the...

Well, that could have been worse.

Like that.

BEN: This is cozy.

The entire building has been compromised.

I suspect that our friends and neighbors have been replaced

by some manner of shapeshifter,

most likely alien, given their shaky knowledge of humanity.

Aliens? Great.

- Alicia? - Easy, Ben, we'll find her.

I need to try to get my lab back online.

We should split up. Johnny, you're with me.

I got picked first, you losers.

Susan, Ben, I need you to try and determine the status of our friends.

Make sure they're all right.

SUZY: How exactly are we supposed to do that?

Clobber them, right?

We can't risk endangering our friends if they've been captured.

Perhaps something a little more subtle is in order.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- Howdy, neighbor. - Susan. How nice. What do you want?

Oh, I just thought I'd drop by for a bit. I brought Ben.

Got anything to eat?

So, Courtney, we're such good friends.

But I can barely remember the last time we just hung out.

Do you remember?

Oh, you know, there was that time I...

Never know if you're around being invisible and all.

Tell me, what's it like when you turn invisible?

- How do you turn it on? - Oh, that's boring.

Let's talk about, I don't know, TV or alien abductions.

Being a superhero must be a lot of pressure.

Hey, say, speaking of pressure,

how much pressure can you exert? Fifty of your tons? A hundred?

That's it. I ain't built for subtle.

Where's Alicia, you shapeshifting prig?

(CHOKING)

Oh, you know Ben and Edward, always messing around.

Ow!

Suzy...

Skrull Command, the humans have identified us.

Begin genetic sampling and containment now.

REED: Just another minute, Johnny. It's all spaghetti in here.

Incredible. Can we hurry this up?

I like open spaces, not creepy access tunnels

where you're just begging to get abducted and probed.

What the...

(HOWLING)

(GUN FIRES)

- Johnny, what's wrong? - Willie.

That alien probed me!

Okay, then. Let's go find the others.

I've got a theory and I need Susan to test it out.

(CRYING) I got probed.

Next time, do your homework. Courtney would never compliment anyone.

Reed, you were right. They're aliens. They call themselves Skrulls.

Skrulls, huh? Well, if they don't produce Alicia in about one second,

they're gonna be called punching bags.

(ROARING)

REED: Susan, Ben, get back to the lab quickly.

Ben, come on.

(BEN GRUNTS)

BEN: No worries, folks. Nothing to see here.

Just stay inside and everything will be all right.

Right.

What if... What if he injected me with alien eggs?

I can feel it in my chest. My chest is tightening.

I can't breathe.

We've been invaded, Stretch.

They're everywhere. They've taken everyone in the building.

To be precise, the building hasn't been taken over. We have.

Reed, you're not making any sense.

It's not everyone else that's been taken. It's us.

- Susan, make the sky outside invisible. - What? I can't.

Please try it.

It's probes for everyone. Game over, man. Game over.

REED: From what I can gather,

the turbulence we encountered on our way home

was actually the Skrulls transporting us here

to a detailed simulacrum of the Baxter Building.

They must have been studying us for a while.

- They recreated our home, our neighbors... - Well, they did a bang-up job.

- Maybe they were rushed. - It was enough to keep us fooled.

SKRULL: Well-played, Reed Richards of Earth.

(EXCLAIMING)

But your newfound knowledge will not save you.

SUZY: Stay cool. Think. We have to stay together.

We were already separated, Susan.

- Technically any one of us could be... - A prober?

- Enough with the probes. - Hey, cut that out.

Intriguing.

Indeed. You've taken my shape and infiltrated my team.

He's lying. I'm Reed.

SUZY: This is bad, Reed.

- Don't listen to her, Reed. - She's the Skrull.

- Guys, it's me. - Johnny, straighten up.

Everyone focus.

They may be able to take our shapes, but they can't take our powers.

So you're saying they can't do this?

I say it's back to Plan A.

Clobber everyone and sort it out later!

Listen up, you alien freaks.

Now, you obviously have great taste in choosing to impersonate me.

And you look really, really good, of course.

But I'm one of a kind. Accept no substitutes.

Flame on!

(SHOUTING)

- Impressive. - Intriguing.

Fascinating.

(SCREAMING)

- Careful, Susan. - Indeed.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

What was that?

We have the final genetic sample.

SKRULL: Do you want the subjects contained?

K'LRT: No.

They're too dangerous. We have what we need.

They will be eliminated.

Genetic samples, see? Probes!

(ROARING)

In case we don't make it out of here, I never liked you, Johnny.

I know you didn't. I know.

That's never good.

REED: Susan.

Report.

It's done, Commander K'lrt. The Fantastic Four are no more.

Look again, fool.

Reed, I can't hold...

REED: Just one second more.

Open fire.

(DEVICE BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

K'LRT: Seal the hull. Get repairs.

SKRULL: Sir, the breach is too wide. We can't. What should we do?

We have all that we need.

Leave them for now. We will return.

- Don't ever make me do that again. - We're going after them, right?

Absolutely.

Not.

HERBIE?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

HERBIE: Welcome home, Dr. Richards.

(HERBIE REPLYING IN SPANISH)

Are we speaking Spanish now? Fun.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

- Mail call. - You just stay away from me, got that?

Well, I've got your new Hot Rod magazine.

Sweet. Thanks, Willie.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

What do you want?

Hi, Courtney. I just wanted to say hi.

You know, catch up a little, hang out.

Have those powers affected your brain? Go away or, better yet, move out.

That's better.

So what? We got abducted, and Johnny got probed, but we won

and the aliens ran away. Earth is safe.

The Skrulls went through an incredible amount of trouble

to get genetic samples from us.

It wasn't just for an elaborate joke.

We may have survived today,

but I don't think we've heard the last of this.

K'LRT: We have the samples. RONAN: Well done, Skrull.

Soon you will have a warrior greater than any in the known universe.

All thanks to the Fantastic Four.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)