Original subtitles

Ah! Now, that was some fantastic chow mein.

And before you say that sounded racist,

you can ask the waiter how they say it.

It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter's from Portland.

Alright, who the hell changed my ringtone

to the theme from "Taxi"?

It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.

That's a subculture on TikTok of kids

who decided the theme from "Taxi" slaps.

Now you have to play the "Taxi" theme

for ten people while I film it.

I don't have to do shit. That's dumb.

It raises awareness for leukemia.

So... who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow?

Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park.

It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea.

You only get diarrhea at the zoo if you eat the food

you're supposed to feed to the animals.

Which you've done, twice.

They put it in gumball machines.

You know, fortune cookies only come true

if you eat the cookie first.

Alright. "Hard work often pays off"? Lame.

"Family time is time well spent."

Okay, that's not only empty. It's been disproven.

Okay, mine says, "Family time is time well..."

Oh, man, I got the same one?

- Boo. - Boo.

What's your stupid 21-century

watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?

"You will have sex with your mother."

Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?

Jerry, are you seriously asking

if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom?

No, I-I wanted to ask if it's okay with you

if I make myself throw up the cookie.

If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes,

but don't hand that advice down to Summer.

Ugh! Can't do it.

Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex,

which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.

Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry.

I know they're not real.

It's just... Why is it so specific?

And why are three of the numbers

a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?!

Can we investigate this, Rick?

It's not an X-File, Jerry,

You got the world's last interesting fortune.

Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom?

Summer, no social videoing!

What if Mi-Maw sees it?

We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, "might"?

She's calling again.

She doesn't usually call this much.

Because you don't usually ghost her

because you don't usually decide you're at risk of...

What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted?!

Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that.

That's not funny!

Jerry, you're making it funny by taking it seriously.

And none of us will be laughing

if you let this ruin our zoo trip.

Rick, can you use science to make it impossible for me to...

Jerry, you're insulting science.

And as the most powerful man in the universe,

if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence,

I'll end up making it more possible than random.

When do we leave for the zoo?

One hour. You have one hour to let go of this.

I'm already done thinking about it.

Check that out, huh?

Ah! Ah! No!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Let me out! Let me out!

- You have ten seconds. - I want to go.

You know of my love for the zoo!

Why are you dressed like Morty?

Because Morty's mom is Beth.

I'm not unpacking that.

Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo,

on Earth, you're sorely mistaken.

Jerry, if you don't come with us, I will be so disappointed.

Okay, you guys should probably go on without Jerry.

I just took some readings on his probability field,

and this fortune has some strange powers

I'm gonna need to investigate.

Really?! Oh, God, I knew it.

Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.

Ooh! Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks?

A-And please take pictures with my favorite animal,

the white tiger!

Because they breed via incest?

Is that true?!

Ah. I knew I was right. Not even close.

I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo.

You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met,

Jerry, but you still have a right

to take whatever you want seriously.

Thank you, but if that thing says

I'm not gonna do it with my mom, I can go to the zoo.

Jerry, this thing measures aberrations

in probability waves.

I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did...

Huh. What?!

Nothing. Don't get weird on me.

But, uh, since we're free for the afternoon,

you mind doing a quick activity?

We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force.

These are two shoeboxes. Both are empty,

but I wrote your mother's name on the inside of one.

What? God, no! If you think for a second I'm gonna put my...

Good. I didn't wanna do this anyway.

Fine! Can I just tell you which box I would put my penis in?

Saying it seems worse, but okay.

Alright. I would put my penis in the box on the right.

Great. Uh, look in the other direction,

and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.

This feels really low-tech.

Yeah, 'cause we're measuring reality.

I would take out my penis

and place it in the box on the... right.

Again.

I would put my penis...

Jerry, you don't have to say "penis" every time.

Just left or right. Hey, this was your idea!

I didn't think it'd go on this long.

Okay, penis. Ugh! Left!

Keep going.

Right.

Left. Right.

Jerry, are you fucking peeking?

Tell me what's going on! You're scaring me!

Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon

as I am to become a dolphin.

Those are things that could happen?

Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.

Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to...

To what? To what?!

Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages?

Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.

Read them.

She's asking if she can come visit.

Why would she want that?!

Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something

I've never told anyone.

We need to go to Panda Express.

If these guys wanted my respect,

they could've just gotten a liquor license.

Now you think this has something to do with you?

Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers.

Of course it has something to do with me.

What do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law?

You guys wanted my attention?

Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.

Gah!

Stay here, Jerry. Time to kick ass.

Gonna need a soundtrack.

Ship, favorites playlist, track one.

Alright, fine. No wrong answers.

Tell me where you get your cookies at,

and we can all walk out of here alive!

Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! DEA?

Cookies? Fortune cookies.

You're not here about our gang's city-wide meth ring?

What? No. Break the laws. They shouldn't exist anyway.

Wow. I am embarrassed.

Aw, me too.

Sorry about, uh, these dead guys.

Comes with the territory.

So w-where do you get your cookies?

Same distributor as everyone else.

That's their truck out back. Solid.

Okay, I'm gonna take the truck in exchange for not turning you in.

Geez. How much money can there be in cookies

that you get for free?

And now we're being retina scanned?

Oh, oh, oh! I know!

I've got a theory, Jerry. Oh, good.

This place is run by Cookie Monster.

He's really protective about his cookies.

C'mon, man. You can't crack a smile?

Oh, yeah... you're worried about doing it with your mom.

Okay. Fair enough.

Whoa!

Fucking cameras everywhere.

- That cup is a camera. - That tree is a camera.

Can you disable them?

Stealth rule number one... Turning off 300 cameras

draws more attention than changing outfits.

Looks like we need to dress for success.

Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits!

Jerry, assistant clothing. MAKE-UP!

What the hell was that?

Reuseable "Sailor Moon" sequence.

If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again,

we can repeat it and save lots of money.

Why does an operation bigger than the government

want me to... couple with my mother?

Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates? Prime ministers?

Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here.

Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt.

15 years ago, I was living in my parents' garage,

eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something.

Fate isn't fiction.

Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it.

Just ask me.

Hello, me. Hello, me.

Look at me's.

Every suit I wear is virgin white.

I sleep on a bed of loose grains

and begin every morning by dragging my perfect vagina

across Chinese silver grass.

I'm firm and ripe.

My mother's plane just landed.

She took a photo at the airport

in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten.

Want to know the secret to how I changed my future? Yes.

Well, once you're a level seven investor,

you'll learn that and more.

Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here.

Let's go deeper.

And now, thanks to your generous contributions,

here are this year's cookies.

"You will receive a 6.8% year-on-year increase."

Very nice.

"Your talents are appreciated..."

"when you become junior partner."

Holy shit! I'm going to be on "Dancing with the Stars"!

Please, I can get the money. I swear! Gak!

I'm afraid it's too late for that.

Oh, God, what does it say?

"Your penis will be mangled

by a frozen-yogurt machine at the U.N."?

I know that machine!

This would sound impossible to a layman,

but to me it rings inevitable!

Holy shit. This is real.

They're controlling fate for profit.

I'm glad you're happy;

Now can we blow up the building or something?

I don't think that's the best way

to take away their power, Jerry.

Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it.

You mean you having it.

I'll share it. Then you fuck my mom.

That's not how it works, and I already have.

What?! Jesus, Jerry, come on.

How unfortunate.

Use the emergency fortunes!

Fighting fortunes. T-T-They're leveling up!

"You'll have great success in a fight."

I'll be damned.

Ha!

Yah!

Fuck! This both sucks

and is really valuable data.

Ha!

Oh!

Aah!

Wha! Rick, what are you doing?!

Using you as a human shield. You said it!

You said the thing I thought you were doing.

We've got intruders. And one of them...

has an unresolved fortune.

We need that man's mother.

Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.

But only one of them is Mrs...

Ugh, God damn it... Smith?

So are we going to ignore

that you tried to stop bullets using my body?

You have an unresolved fortune.

Until you have sex with your mom, you're basically immortal.

Do you have any idea how amazing that is?

You don't even care about me.

You just want fortune cookie power.

Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?

If it comes down to it,

I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.

No! Ah, you're right.

The fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it?

I hate you! Hate productive things.

Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.

Ah, those are those weird hex-headed screws.

Do your screwdriver fingers...

Aah! Aah!

Well, at least we have no idea what's going on.

That's a LOCKER-ean.

I-It's a species that eats chaos.

But it has its digestive disorder.

Its stomach is stripping randomness from spacetime

and leaving behind super-dense pockets of energy

that bend entropy towards definable outcomes.

I mean, th-that's how fate works.

It's a field, like gravity,

but instead of pulling small toward big,

it pulls unknown toward known.

Ah, so we do know what's going on.

We know this... everyone that's had a fortune cookie

in the last 20 years has eaten this thing's poop.

Fortune cookies are alien poop.

These fortunes are so basic.

Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world?

Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset?

Ooh, this place ain't for creatin' the future,

but controllin' it.

Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.

The "M" stands for "Man."

You're an arch little character.

You're the reason fortune cookies suck?

No, no, no, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.

You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes

to increase the value of real ones.

Controlling destiny for a price...

That's the Fortune 500's fortune.

And you're trying to stop them?

Just tryin' to get out.

I want to be free with this here alien gal

so we can get married.

Then we can have relations.

Can't do that before marriage, you know.

I'm a Catholic.

Uh, does the alien want that?

It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species.

A man knows.

What does this have to do with me?

You put this in my cookie.

Yep. Oh, I've been tryin' to get people's attention.

I'd make fortunes saying, "You're a-gonna break your leg

unless you investigate this cookie company,"

or, "Please come help me

or a virus will shut down the world."

Finally I just made a bunch that said,

"You're gonna have sex with your own momma."

How many? It... What happened to the others?

I 'spose they fucked their moms.

Now let's cut her chains and get the hell outta here.

Well, shit on a spaghetti.

Hello, Jerry Smith.

Glad you could join us on Bring Your Mother to Work day.

Mom! Hi, Jerry.

Your friends picked me up in a limousine.

They said you won something,

and I should be the one to give it to you.

You sick fucks. Are you guys enjoying this?

I used to think I was just a regular white woman.

Then I discovered I could control my destiny.

All white women think that.

The truth is, this alien crashed in your yard

and you ate its shit.

How dare you! What's your name?

How dare you?!

We should've blown up the building.

Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is,

"Guess what, insert name? Time for you to eat shit."

But first...

Aah!

Oh, no! I'm so wet!

Ah! No! Jerry! Come back and block bullets.

Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.

Fuck! You can't hide!

My fortune said, "Headshots only."

Harry! Greg! Lashawn! Dave C.! Dave M.!

Noooo!

You piece of shit, you killed my friends.

Oh!

Alright, what does the future hold?

Aah!

Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.

Blast him, or we're both gonna die.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Aaah! Whoa!

You control control water.

Like, the water inside a guy.

That's a gross power.

I'm gonna let you live because your fortune sucks.

You can't kill me! I can't be killed!

Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds.

Aaaaaaah!

Ah! Ah! Aah!

Oh, it hurts! It burns!

Fuck! Oh, my God! My ribs!

I can feel my shattered ribs!

Shit, these are useless.

Where are the fighting fortunes?

Ah, no-no-no-no-no!

Those are blanks!

Without fortunes, the effects are completely unpredictable!

Alright.

I am the son of God!

Ah!

Jerry!

Help me, Jerry!

Mom! Stay away! Just stay away!

Come on and fuck already!

Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance

to take a step back and examine our behavior?

You can't kill me, old man.

I also have an unresolved fortune.

"The most successful businesswoman on Earth?"

You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work?

Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal.

A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever!

Well, I just used a dark web account

to hack Goldman Sachs, remove trillions of dollars,

and purchase everything your company offers.

Congratulations! You're officially

the most successful businesswoman on Earth.

Fortune fulfilled.

And now I'm emptying your bank accounts

and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs,

because I sit dead-center on the alignment chart.

You son of a bitch!

How does it feel to achieve your dreams?

Empty, right?

Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.

You could see it in his face.

I still have one more dream...

Watching you die, Rick Sanchez!

Ha! You knew my name!

She's free! Run!

Run, my beauty!

Well, butterfly on a corncob.

I see that I've romanticized a wild animal

the same way Margaret Howe did when she jerked off

that dolphin in the 19-and-60s.

Both she and I assaulted a captive creature

and expected it to be reciprocal.

Welp, joopityboot.

Time to die.

Ah!

Follow me, my queen!

That's all the bad guys down. We almost got this, Jer.

Ah!

No!

Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,

I-I-I guess we were both wrong.

Oh, God.

Oh! Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Aaaah! Rick! Please!

Jerry, I've got the creature.

I knew it. I knew it.

God damn it!

Aaaaaaaah!

Oh, God!

Aaaaah!

God damn it.

Ah. Holy shit, that was close.

Close to what?

Close to everyone but your son

getting anything they want forever.

You saved me.

I will never stop holding this over you,

as if that buys me anything.

We should get you some clothes, son.

Oh, oh!

I can just feel the savings.

Hey, wait, uh...

Got this at the crazy place we just were.

It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune

in there last second, but I'm pretty sure

that's just the way it came.

Besides, these don't mean anything.

Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,

this is a huge waste of the last real fortune.

Oh. I'm sorry. I just...

It's cool, it's cool.

Thanks, friend. Friend?!

Did you just say friend? What?

W-W-What did I do? You fucking idiot!

I'm not your friend!

Why did you think I was your friend?

Look at this you piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so? I was immortal!

I was immortal for that whole fight.

All I had to do was never make a new friend.

Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.

I'm sorry! We're not friends!

Yeah, too late, bonehead.

It doesn't say "new permanent friend."

All friendships end, especially new ones.

Well, maybe that's a fate the two of us still control.

I'm... I'm sorry I did that.

It's fine.

The zoo. Animals. Balloons. Moats. Cages.

A fun time for the whole family.

But you don't care about that. You're a zebra.

You're here for the unparalleled dining experience

of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious.

He... Hey, wait. Don't eat...

Th... That's for the zebras. It's making you sick!

What are you doing?

Jesus, why have they left all the zebra-feeding

to the people who come to the zoo?

Is that the only way the zebras can get food?

They're so hungry. What the fuck is happening?

We're out of zebra food. Okay?

There's no food left. Don't come to the zoo.

This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras,

targeted to zebras.

The premise itself was questionable, but this...

This is a nightmare!

Don't go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo.

Oh, God, what are you doing in the booth?

Get out! Get out, you're mad with...

Ow. Eat it. Eat zebra food.

Okay, um. I guess I can't blame Dad for being confused

about what to do with the zebra food.

Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad,

like, on a loop?

There were murders in it, and it was specifically

telling you to do the thing it didn't want you to do

until the very end, when it reversed.

Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop,

unless... I mean, do the zebras shop in here?

Are we the ones in the zoo?

Oh, is that the twist?

Okay, we're... it's a human zoo. Got it.

Did you get any of that?

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