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1
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,530
Oh, I gotta stop.
I gotta stop this story.
2
00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:32,282
I gotta stop the story.
Stop story.
3
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,577
Oh, come on. Load,
why are you taking so long.
4
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,496
Why are you so slow.
5
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,123
Oh, I need to stop the story.
6
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,000
No updates now!
7
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,171
Oh, come on. I gotta stop it.
8
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,382
He's coming.
He's coming up the stairs.
9
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,385
He's coming up the stairs,
I have to stop it now!
10
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,972
Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop.
11
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,932
Go away! Call 911.
12
00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,686
Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No!
13
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,439
No, no, no!
14
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,155
- Jasmin?
- Yes?
15
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:38,283
Alexandria. Do you have
a quick second to talk?
16
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,219
I don't feel like talking
to the press right now.
17
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,745
I'm not the press.
18
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,389
I actually work with
your father really closely
19
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,581
at destiny publishing.
20
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,083
- Okay.
- Did he mention
21
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,685
any short stories
that we was working on?
22
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,461
It could be his best work yet.
23
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,171
I have to go right now, may I?
24
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,090
This actually might be
worth a lot of money,
25
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,634
seems like you might need it.
It could help you out a lot.
26
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,219
- Excuse me? You got...
- The expenses
27
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,428
on the house, taxes...
28
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,930
You've got some nerve.
29
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,432
- May I?
- It could help you out a lot.
30
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,702
- How long are you in town for?
- A couple of days, a week,
31
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,520
- what does it matter?
- Here's my card.
32
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,773
If you happen to find anything,
just give me a call.
33
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,191
Whatever.
34
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,214
Jasmin, where did you get this?
35
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,406
In your room, daddy!
36
00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,741
Why did you bring it down here?
37
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,493
To play with them.
38
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,995
But it's not a toy, it's
a very expensive collectible.
39
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,538
It's worth a lot of money.
40
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,624
Do not play
with this again. Ever.
41
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,084
Jasmin, I'm busy right now,
I'm writing.
42
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,836
I'm writing.
Just put it over there,
43
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,922
I'll look at it later, okay?
44
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,590
Jasmin, what are you doing here?
45
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,467
Papa', gpor qué no me quiere?
46
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,052
Speak English, Jasmin!
47
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,304
We don't speak Spanish
anymore in this house.
48
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,307
I lost my accent,
you can lose your accent.
49
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,725
Listen, practice this,
50
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:12,312
"she sells seashells
by the sea shore."
51
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,480
Can you do that?
52
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,398
She sells she...
53
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,900
Ugh, whatever!
54
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,110
You've been hanging around
that maid too much.
55
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,737
You're speaking
too much Spanish.
56
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,572
You need to go out with
the anglo boys and
57
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,991
- learn better English, now!
- At least she cares!
58
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,003
Pass...
59
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,713
Word.
60
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,057
Jasmin.
61
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,866
Frankenstein.
62
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,165
How pathetic.
63
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,632
Oh, my dear Jasmin.
64
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,469
As you are watching this,
uh, I'm most likely dead.
65
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,638
Or maybe you've broken
into my computer.
66
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,933
I'm gonna go with dead for now.
67
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,978
Listen, I know you think
I've always been hard on you,
68
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,523
or ignored you,
but at a certain point,
69
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,233
you did the same to me.
70
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,611
Have you ever read
any of my books? Even one?
71
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,696
Did you ever show
any interest in my work?
72
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,532
So, as I see it, we're even.
It's tit for tat.
73
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:50,285
Jasmin, I know in death,
families always want to have
74
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,163
a moment of resolution where
they get together and say,
75
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,998
"I wish we 'd said this
to one another
76
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,416
while we were still alive,"
77
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,501
and then we'd have closure.
78
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,338
My point of view is,
if we didn't say it back then,
79
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,131
we ain't gonna say it now.
80
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:06,760
Jasmin, whatever resolutions
you wanted to have,
81
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,720
or hoped to have with me,
82
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,847
I guess
they're not gonna happen.
83
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,266
Now, Jasmin,
I need to talk about the will.
84
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,978
Um, it's gonna happen someday,
you're gonna get everything.
85
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,772
Everything in
the house is yours,
86
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,982
the books are
the most valuable thing,
87
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:24,110
and all the movie rights and
the royalties that go with it,
88
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,737
you get all that.
89
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,740
Let me tell you about
my most recent project.
90
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,201
Aw, it's gonna be great!
It's gonna be big!
91
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,578
80 big, it's gonna be the
biggest thing I've ever done.
92
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:37,165
I bought a 17th century book
on black magic.
93
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:41,503
And in that book, they teach
you how to cast magical spells
94
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,171
by writing stories about them.
95
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,507
And when you read
these stories aloud,
96
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,258
they come to life.
97
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:49,219
So, this could be
much bigger than anything
98
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,972
than you'd see in 3D,
men in tights
99
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,682
hanging from
some walls somewhere.
100
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,475
No, this is gonna be
so much bigger.
101
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,478
Because when you read
these stories out loud,
102
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,230
they come to life.
103
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,816
You can have a real vampire
in your own kitchen.
104
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,568
Now, if you do this,
remember you don't...
105
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,948
Oh my god, he's gone crazy.
106
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,919
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the audio book of
107
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,422
my famous
short story collection,
108
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,007
monsters in the closet.
109
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:30,885
Based on a 17th century book
of black magic.
110
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,722
Our first story takes place
on a misty night
111
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,599
with the smell
of mold everywhere.
112
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,326
Forced it shut!
113
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,085
Shit! Oh fuck! No!
114
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,797
Ah, no! No!
115
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,507
Oh fuck!
116
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,225
Hello?
117
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,146
Somebody there?
118
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,568
Hey. Hey, man, you need help?
119
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,904
Oh, shit!
120
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,740
It's gotta be somewhere.
121
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,082
Oh, my god. Twinkie.
122
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,923
Oh, these are...
123
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,345
Not how I remember them tasting.
124
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,359
Apple.
125
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,749
Ugh!
126
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,043
Oh, god.
127
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:46,260
Oh!
128
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,141
Hey, wait for me! I'm coming
with you.
129
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,936
Maybe we can work as a team.
130
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,247
Is that door locked too?
131
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,332
Get the fuck away from me!
132
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:19,085
- Fuck!
- Maybe we can...
133
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,336
Oh, shit!
134
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,838
May... urr.
135
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,592
- Fuck.
- You piece of shit!
136
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:29,011
Hey, what the fuck?
I'm trying to help you!
137
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,431
Ah!
138
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:43,818
All right!
Bring it on, you fucking scum!
139
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:47,947
Oh, fuck! Oh god, that hurts!
140
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:49,574
Oh, fuck!
141
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,203
Get off!
142
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,990
Dude.
143
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,743
You okay?
144
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,370
What is that wonderful smell?
145
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,331
Is that...
146
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,832
Is that coming from...
147
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:40,958
Is that coming from you?
148
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,296
Please, please be lasagne
in your pockets. Please.
149
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,930
Mm, mmm, mm.
150
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,932
Why'd I do that?
151
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,892
I just meant to smell it.
152
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,978
Hey, stop. No. Don't.
153
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:04,315
Spit it out, spit it, spit it.
154
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,650
Good girl.
155
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,946
Chris?
156
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,322
Chris?
157
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,452
Oh, Chris. Not you too.
158
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,705
I'm sorry.
159
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,458
Oh, oh yeah. No, uh...
160
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,796
I'm not going to finish it.
You can have the rest.
161
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:30,091
So you will not believe
what I just did.
162
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,094
Oh wait, no.
Yeah, maybe you would.
163
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,805
Yeah. Right.
164
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,766
Hey, do you mind
if we stick together?
165
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,977
This is kind of...
166
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,062
I mean,
are they going to eat us?
167
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,606
Are we going to eat them?
168
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,526
Is there a cure for this shit
or is it like herpes?
169
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,989
You know, I probably should have
170
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,825
told you this before, but...
171
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:00,121
I used to have
the hugest crush on you.
172
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,459
Yeah, not so much right now.
173
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:09,130
So, how long
have you been a zombie?
174
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,299
Are there rules I should know?
175
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,658
You know,
you really haven't changed
176
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,078
all that much,
come to think of it.
177
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,429
- Ugh!
- What?
178
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,014
[Gunshofl
179
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,730
Oh, baby.
180
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,648
It's okay,
I'm not going to hurt you.
181
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,317
I know, I would be scared too,
182
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,402
but everything is gonna
be all right, I pro...
183
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:36,032
Fuck, oh fuck!
184
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,034
Fuck, did I just do that?
185
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,911
I didn't mean... Chris.
Shit, I didn't mean to do that.
186
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:46,042
No, no, no,
I won't let you have her.
187
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,044
Come on, come with me.
188
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,879
Come on. Get away from them.
189
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,547
Leave her alone.
Get out, get away.
190
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,257
I won't let you have her.
191
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,218
We'll hide in here.
I know just the place.
192
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,554
Shh, be very quiet.
193
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,640
Be very quiet,
they won't find us.
194
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:06,395
Stay right there, wait for me.
I'm gonna lock the door.
195
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,860
They won't find us in here.
I promise you. Come on.
196
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,904
Let's get away from the door.
Come with me.
197
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,824
You have to be very still,
be very quiet.
198
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,744
That's a good girl.
199
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,996
Shh, shh, shh.
200
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,164
Be a good girl.
201
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,874
Be a good girl.
202
00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:30,544
Wait right here with me.
203
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,546
We will... shit.
204
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,924
It's all right.
205
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,302
We'll wait them out.
They'll go away.
206
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,389
They'll go away. They can't
get in. The door is locked.
207
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,265
I promise you,
they can't get in.
208
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,558
It's going to be all right.
209
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,268
Just stay with me.
Stay very still.
210
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,104
Be very quiet. Stay with me.
211
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,272
I've got you.
I've got you, it's okay.
212
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,775
No, no!
213
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,944
Please go away. It's okay.
214
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,947
It's going to be okay.
Don't worry, I've got you.
215
00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,449
I won't let them hurt you.
I won't let you hurt her.
216
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,244
It's gonna be all right.
Stay right here with me.
217
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,413
No, no, no.
218
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:07,123
You can't have her. Please!
219
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,542
For god's sake, leave her alone.
220
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,681
Oh, no.
221
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,004
Ugh! Damn it.
222
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,933
Damn it.
223
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,269
These hands.
224
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,564
Oh, here.
225
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,524
Here.
226
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,860
Take it, take the gun. Take it.
227
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,404
Take it! Kill me, kill me.
228
00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,698
Kill me. You fucker, kill me!
229
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:26,744
Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me.
230
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,420
I'm so sorry.
231
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,215
Please don't hate me.
232
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,885
No!
233
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,637
Oh, that's pretty.
234
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:51,060
See, there's always something
to smile about.
235
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,939
The sun is out, the air is...
236
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,067
Well, it's pretty rank,
actually. But...
237
00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:00,236
Over there, quick.
238
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,072
Eat led, zombie bitch.
239
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:07,243
Folks,
wasn't that a great story?
240
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,828
A little bit scary.
241
00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:10,371
Zombies, you gotta
stay away from 'em
242
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,373
because
they're after your brains.
243
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:14,124
But let me tell you how to make
244
00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,626
a great egg salad sandwich.
245
00:22:15,709 --> 00:22:17,586
First, you go to
the grocery store
246
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,439
and you go to where
they have all these little
247
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,923
plastic containers
on the shelves
248
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:22,716
and you find one
that says egg salad.
249
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,260
And then you buy a loaf of bread
250
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,970
and then you buy
a head of lettuce
251
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,596
and you put them all together.
252
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,723
And that's how you make
egg salad sandwich.
253
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:31,559
And don't try
to give one to a zombie.
254
00:22:31,642 --> 00:22:33,727
A zombie wants
a brain salad sandwich.
255
00:22:47,658 --> 00:22:48,909
Hello?
256
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:54,915
Hello?
257
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,590
Hello, is anyone downstairs?
258
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,724
I said hello.
259
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:25,613
Hello?
260
00:23:31,702 --> 00:23:32,786
Hello.
261
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,253
I gotta stop smoking weed.
262
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,544
For this next story,
we see a young woman
263
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:06,380
looking longingly
at her empty backyard.
264
00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:29,528
Honey,
isn't this is so exciting?
265
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,530
Oh, it's beautiful!
266
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:33,407
I can't believe we did it.
267
00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:35,552
I can't believe we actually
finally bought our first house.
268
00:25:35,576 --> 00:25:38,037
After all
that freaking paperwork.
269
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,080
It was so ridiculous.
270
00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:42,458
Oh my god,
I swear the minute I told them
271
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,626
that I was South African,
that was it.
272
00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:46,712
They were like, "well,
now we need extra deposits
273
00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:50,299
and extra guarantors,"
and it was just like...
274
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,301
Little bit of xenophobia.
275
00:25:52,384 --> 00:25:54,720
Yeah,
like a little bit, honestly.
276
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,221
But still, I'm so excited.
277
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,931
This is so amazing.
I love you so much!
278
00:25:58,015 --> 00:25:59,308
I love you too!
279
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,060
Can you come?
I can't really reach.
280
00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:03,103
Yeah!
281
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,830
You just made a massive hole!
282
00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:25,000
That's from the door!
283
00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:29,004
I'm gonna need a whole can
of spackle just for that hole!
284
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,255
We can have a little cat!
285
00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:07,584
The water's totally brown!
286
00:27:07,668 --> 00:27:09,169
That is disgusting.
287
00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:12,965
There's probably at least
1,500 parasites in there.
288
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:15,843
That is so nasty!
289
00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,054
We could be puking by morning.
290
00:27:26,812 --> 00:27:28,939
Babe, I really...
291
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,732
Oh, god. Babe... oh, ow!
292
00:27:34,278 --> 00:27:36,280
This is great, right?
293
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,157
I mean, the appraisal
looks pretty good.
294
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,244
Yeah, uh, it's yeah,
I mean, it's just that
295
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:47,583
I wasn't expecting
so many wires and holes.
296
00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,918
A lot of holes.
297
00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:53,130
I mean, look, it's...
298
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,799
It's gonna be hard work, okay?
299
00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:57,259
I'm not gonna lie to you,
300
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,094
but it's not going
to be a lot of work.
301
00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:03,056
Just some elbow grease,
you know, painting some walls,
302
00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:06,351
spackle some holes,
replace the carpet,
303
00:28:06,435 --> 00:28:07,519
fix the banister.
304
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,605
We should put some tiles in,
305
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:12,316
I think that would be...
Or you know.
306
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:13,817
Yeah. And you know,
307
00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:15,611
we probably just have
to patch the roof.
308
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,463
Not like, replace the whole
thing. It's gonna be fine.
309
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:19,364
Kinda looks like
it needs to be replaced.
310
00:28:19,448 --> 00:28:20,657
But, um, you know what?
311
00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:22,576
You're... you're right.
Honestly,
312
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:24,286
you know what?
We... we worked so hard.
313
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,222
We bought this house,
and that's all that matters.
314
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,956
And as long as we have a shower
315
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,459
and... and
some running water, that's,
316
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,003
you know...
You checked the plumbing.
317
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:35,756
I am going to check
the plumbing too.
318
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:37,424
That's... that's on the list.
319
00:28:37,507 --> 00:28:42,804
So we don't know
if we have a shower right now.
320
00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:44,640
- We will.
- We will?
321
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:46,308
- We will!
- We will know.
322
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:50,646
You know how we'll know,
because we hired a contractor.
323
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,606
We did. We did that.
And that's so great
324
00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:53,875
'cause you emailed
the contractor
325
00:28:53,899 --> 00:28:55,609
like I asked you to, right?
326
00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:57,819
He's gonna fix all of this.
327
00:28:57,903 --> 00:28:59,821
This is... this is fine.
328
00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,156
What am I stressing about.
329
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,367
We hired the contractor, right?
330
00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:08,580
The contractor?
331
00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:09,998
I sent you his email address
332
00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:12,668
and you said that
you contacted him.
333
00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:16,213
And that he was gonna
fix everything.
334
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:22,010
Babe, I spent all of
our money on buying the house,
335
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:25,764
so there's no money left
for a contractor.
336
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,599
We don't have a contractor?
337
00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,478
Babe, it's fine.
I took shop in high school.
338
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:33,730
You did honey,
and you got an a-plus.
339
00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:40,862
I got a letter with a plus sign
after it every semester.
340
00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:43,573
So that's a good sign.
341
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:47,035
Great.
Yeah, that's... that's fine.
342
00:29:47,119 --> 00:29:48,912
You are right. You know what?
343
00:29:48,996 --> 00:29:50,664
Are you sure?
344
00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,333
Look, anything
that we need to find out,
345
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:55,294
we look up on the YouTube.
346
00:29:55,377 --> 00:29:59,047
And that way we don't
have to pay some dumb plumber
347
00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,717
to come down and have us
stare at his ass crack
348
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,928
while he, like, hits on you
and does shoddy plumbing.
349
00:30:05,012 --> 00:30:06,638
- Right.
- We just do it ourselves and we
350
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:09,224
don't have to pay anybody
'cause the Internet is free.
351
00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:12,769
- The Internet is free. Right.
- You're so cute
352
00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,104
when you realize things.
353
00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,523
We're gonna make
this house so cute.
354
00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,275
I love you, shmoopy.
355
00:30:18,358 --> 00:30:21,361
I love you more! No, that nose!
356
00:30:21,445 --> 00:30:23,488
- No, that nose.
- You're gonna make it greasy.
357
00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:26,742
- Don't touch it.
- Okay, time to work.
358
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:28,243
Okay.
359
00:30:29,328 --> 00:30:30,746
You do that.
360
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,506
Okay, so you're saying that...
361
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,091
Right,
that after I nail that one,
362
00:30:43,175 --> 00:30:45,218
after I've sanded and then...
363
00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:46,845
Yeah, I know. Okay.
364
00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:48,555
But what happens to the spackle?
365
00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,016
I gotta let you go.
366
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:52,684
Shmoopy, what happened.
367
00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:54,895
You dropped it because
you were too busy on the phone
368
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:56,271
because you're
not concentrating.
369
00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:58,065
You're right.
370
00:30:58,148 --> 00:30:59,524
I'm sorry.
371
00:30:59,608 --> 00:31:03,111
Let's just... keep going. Okay?
372
00:31:03,195 --> 00:31:05,572
- Come on, shmoopy.
- All right, shmoopy.
373
00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:07,199
I love you, shmoopy.
374
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:08,950
- I love you.
- I love you more.
375
00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:10,535
No, really. I love you more.
376
00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:13,163
- No, I love you more.
- No, really.
377
00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:14,414
It's... I love you.
378
00:31:23,632 --> 00:31:27,344
Okay, honey, do you have
all the slats in place?
379
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,388
- Yeah, the slats are in.
- Perfect.
380
00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:31,973
- Nails are through the hinges.
- Awesome.
381
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:35,685
Yeah, I mean, I think
this is pretty well hung.
382
00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:38,063
I just have a question.
383
00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:39,773
- Yeah?
- Why is there so much space
384
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,525
between the top and the sides
385
00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:44,736
that kind of defeats the entire
purpose of having a door.
386
00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,447
Baby, trust me,
I looked at the diagnostic
387
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:49,408
blueprints for
the door frame. Okay?
388
00:31:49,491 --> 00:31:51,034
- You did?
- Yeah,
389
00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:53,662
there's supposed to be
at least one inch of space.
390
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,997
The diagnostic blueprints
of the door
391
00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:57,666
told you to have space.
392
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:03,422
Minimum one inch
between door frame and door
393
00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:06,591
for ventilation
in case of a fire.
394
00:32:06,675 --> 00:32:08,969
- That's what it said.
- I'm going to... all right.
395
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:10,595
I'm gonna trust you.
396
00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:12,848
This is definitely
at least one inch.
397
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,182
You're really smart.
398
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:15,642
You are. You're... no!
399
00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:18,520
You're... you're a-door-able!
400
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:21,857
That's too good.
I can't top that. That's a...
401
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:25,944
God, what the hell?
402
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:27,571
Yeah, I told you that was wrong,
403
00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:29,573
but you just don't want
to listen to me, so...
404
00:32:29,656 --> 00:32:31,450
Maybe if you just listened
to me sometimes,
405
00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:32,951
you would
get things right, but...
406
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:34,870
When did you tell me
that it was wrong?
407
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:36,848
Yeah, I said, like, "you're
doing the whole thing wrong."
408
00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:39,875
Like, three times,
but you just ignored me.
409
00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:42,794
Do you have the blueprint there?
410
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,338
You know, I guess I'll find it.
411
00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:46,882
Shmoop!
412
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:50,385
What happened? I thought
you were looking at the...
413
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:53,096
- Shmoopy...
- Okay, I was making it up.
414
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:55,015
I'm sorry. I was confused.
415
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,059
- You... no!
- I was just playing.
416
00:32:58,143 --> 00:33:00,270
You're such a playful one.
417
00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:01,855
Stop it.
418
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:03,190
No, you stop!
419
00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:04,900
No. Stop.
420
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,818
-Seriously
-no, stop. Stop hitting me.
421
00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:09,005
No, can you... I'm trying to...
Can you stop? Stop hitting me.
422
00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:10,572
If you hit me,
I'm gonna hit you back.
423
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:13,325
- Stop hitting me.
- As long as I get the last hit.
424
00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:14,635
You're being difficult, shmoop.
425
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:15,899
Did you just call me difficult?
426
00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:19,056
If you call me difficult,
I'll gorge your eyes out.
427
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,292
I said,
you're being divine, shmoopy.
428
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,586
Stop being so silly.
429
00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:33,929
- Honey?
- Yes?
430
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:38,016
Why are you painting a 2
across our brand new wall?
431
00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:40,393
Well, because darling, that is
432
00:33:40,477 --> 00:33:42,604
the most efficient way
to paint a wall.
433
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:46,233
No, actually, according
to howtopaintyourhouse. Com,
434
00:33:46,316 --> 00:33:50,529
it most certainly says
that you start with a w.
435
00:33:50,612 --> 00:33:52,614
Well, shmoopy,
when I was in shop
436
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,784
in high school getting
pluses on all my grades
437
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,621
all six years,
it was always with a z shape.
438
00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:03,875
Okay. Well, I really do think
439
00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:14,010
I think the 2 looks way better.
440
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:16,930
Really?
441
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,682
I think the w looks better.
442
00:34:18,765 --> 00:34:20,925
What are you gonna do...
What do you gonna do about it?
443
00:34:20,976 --> 00:34:22,435
The man says 2!
444
00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,107
You don't even have
as much paint on me
445
00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,317
as I have on you
and you've done three passes.
446
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:30,986
Yeah, well, I'm just being nice.
447
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:32,779
I'm trying not to
stuff up your...
448
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:35,824
- Z shape!
- I'm just a nice person.
449
00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:38,493
- And you...
- You can't even get a w
450
00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:39,911
on your husband's chest.
451
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:45,250
You're almost whiter
than this wall!
452
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:47,419
Your hair glove is falling off!
453
00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,716
Look, 2 shapes all day,
454
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:56,011
z shapes all day,
2 shapes all day,
455
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,596
the man says 2.
456
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:01,141
And calls crocodile tears.
457
00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:06,229
Crocodile tears, shmoops.
458
00:35:57,697 --> 00:36:00,784
I am so sorry.
459
00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:04,204
That was totally a mistake.
460
00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:07,415
I don't even know if
I believe that,
461
00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:09,376
- to be honest with you.
- Shmoopy!
462
00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:11,628
You know
I would never try to hurt you.
463
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:15,340
Who's my favorite shmoopy!
464
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,384
I love you, shmoopy.
465
00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:18,843
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
466
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,613
I love you too, shmoopy.
467
00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:22,597
No, I love you more, shmoopy.
468
00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,367
No, I love you more, shmoopy.
469
00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:25,993
No, it's me, I love you more.
470
00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:27,370
- Does this face look amused?
- What?
471
00:36:27,394 --> 00:36:29,020
Do I look amused?
472
00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:32,107
You look like you're just
having so much fun like me.
473
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,192
So, shmoopy,
would you mind handing me
474
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:38,446
that bucket, please,
so I can keep working up here?
475
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,740
- You want the bucket?
- Who's my favorite shmoop?
476
00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:42,575
- You want the bucket?
- Yeah.
477
00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:44,637
Could you hand me the bucket?
Yeah, that'd be really nice.
478
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:46,371
Shmoopy, I love you.
479
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:47,956
- Love you!
- You're my favorite.
480
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:49,499
- You're my favorite!
- Who's got the
481
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:51,251
best nose in all the land?
482
00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:53,628
- Thank you, shmoopy.
- Oh.
483
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,004
Oops.
484
00:36:56,005 --> 00:36:57,465
That's okay.
485
00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:00,051
I love you, still, shmoopy.
486
00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:02,762
But, if next time you could
just hand me the bucket
487
00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:05,056
when I ask you to actually
hand me the bucket,
488
00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,475
I'd really appreciate it,
then maybe it wouldn't
489
00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:11,062
come crashing down on your head
while I'm working.
490
00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:13,356
I love you.
Please keep up your good work.
491
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,108
Thank you, shmoop.
492
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,248
I love you, shmoopy.
493
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:14,793
Fuck you.
494
00:38:17,253 --> 00:38:19,005
Love you.
495
00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:20,298
Ah!
496
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:24,260
Time to nail.
497
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,560
What?
498
00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:37,899
Oh!
499
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:43,863
Does it hurt?
500
00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:52,413
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, shmoopy.
501
00:38:52,497 --> 00:38:53,873
We're almost done.
502
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:57,085
Just a little bit
more paint and spackle.
503
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:58,795
We're almost there.
504
00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:02,006
Okay.
505
00:40:04,444 --> 00:40:06,696
What are you...
What are you doing?
506
00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,116
Cutting ceramic tile.
507
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,584
You got... you gotta to stop.
508
00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,377
You gotta stop!
509
00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:22,837
Stop!
510
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:25,840
Stop!
511
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:29,719
Stop!
512
00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:33,348
That's really dangerous.
513
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,016
Okay? The...
514
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:39,187
The dust from the tile
could go into your lungs and...
515
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:43,274
And it's... it can kill you
and there's no cure,
516
00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:46,861
there is no cure.
517
00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:12,178
I want a divorce.
518
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:25,733
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
519
00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:32,115
Sweetie.
520
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,076
Shmoop.
521
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,578
Oh!
522
00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:38,913
Oh!
523
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,456
Oh, god.
524
00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:42,291
Oh you, bitch.
525
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:45,962
Oh, you bitch!
526
00:41:46,045 --> 00:41:48,756
You know when I told you
I loved your old sugar cookies?
527
00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:52,510
I lied. That shit tastes
like camel spit.
528
00:41:56,973 --> 00:41:58,850
Oh, god!
529
00:42:14,699 --> 00:42:17,035
Oh fuck you, shmoopy.
530
00:42:17,618 --> 00:42:19,162
Fuck you too, shmoopy.
531
00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:22,749
Till death do us
fucking part, bitch.
532
00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:34,719
_
533
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:36,971
Fuck you, shmoopy.
534
00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:50,068
Ugh!
535
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:11,214
Oh god, why?
536
00:43:19,639 --> 00:43:23,810
I love you, shmoop.
537
00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:26,479
I love you.
538
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,787
Wow. Wasn't that something
539
00:45:06,871 --> 00:45:08,581
with all that blood
flying around?
540
00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,958
I'm not sure I'm gonna
eat my cereal now,
541
00:45:11,042 --> 00:45:13,127
but that raises the question,
542
00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:14,378
is cereal soup?
543
00:45:14,462 --> 00:45:15,662
You know, when you were a kid,
544
00:45:15,713 --> 00:45:17,215
you made soup out of stones.
545
00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:19,467
Why can't you make
soup out of cereal
546
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,344
if you really want to? You know,
547
00:45:21,427 --> 00:45:22,887
there '3 a cereal
that kind of has
548
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,639
a rabbit
whenever you see it on TV.
549
00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:26,807
You can make soup out of rabbit.
550
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,809
So why can't you make soup
out of cereal?
551
00:45:28,893 --> 00:45:32,271
You know, why don't we put
some carrots and celery in it
552
00:45:32,355 --> 00:45:34,075
and have the cereal
with carrots and celery?
553
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:35,788
Then it really would be soup,
wouldn't it?
554
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,238
You know, chop in some celery,
and some onions,
555
00:45:40,321 --> 00:45:43,282
and some carrots, and now
you've got cereal soup.
556
00:45:43,366 --> 00:45:45,910
Stop. Get away from me.
557
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:55,127
Well, I don't think
you'd like the cereal
558
00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:57,171
with carrots and celery
in it now.
559
00:45:57,255 --> 00:45:58,714
I don't think so.
560
00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:00,424
So, let's just
come to a conclusion.
561
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,510
- Cereal is not soup.
- Get away from me.
562
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,512
Get away from me!
563
00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:35,459
For our next story, we join
564
00:46:35,543 --> 00:46:38,045
a very rich businessman
and his daughter
565
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,382
as they share coffee
in downtown Manhattan.
566
00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:57,064
This is so unfair.
567
00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:59,400
Tiffany, life is unfair.
568
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:01,986
But you are being
more than unfair.
569
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,155
Look, fair is my middle name.
570
00:47:04,238 --> 00:47:05,906
Just ask my bridge partners
571
00:47:05,990 --> 00:47:08,075
or even the guys on
the trading floor.
572
00:47:08,159 --> 00:47:11,412
You saw me talk to
the chauffeur the other day,
573
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,999
I told him he has every right
to be as rich as I am.
574
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:16,834
All he has to do is work for it.
575
00:47:18,294 --> 00:47:22,131
I started my business with
a couple of million dollars.
576
00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:24,008
He could do the same.
577
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:25,760
But obviously he's lazy.
578
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:28,846
Otherwise, he wouldn't
still be driving cars.
579
00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:33,642
He's not Mexican lazy,
but... still.
580
00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:36,937
He gets what he deserves.
581
00:47:37,021 --> 00:47:39,106
I get what I deserve.
582
00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:40,608
And you get what you deserve.
583
00:47:40,691 --> 00:47:42,109
And I deserve this.
584
00:47:43,736 --> 00:47:46,489
It's just a camping trip
with my friends.
585
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:50,701
And why haven't
I ever met these friends?
586
00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:52,370
I mean, what are they like?
587
00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:54,455
They're nice people, daddy.
588
00:47:54,538 --> 00:47:55,831
Nice.
589
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,210
So you like one of them,
590
00:47:59,293 --> 00:48:01,003
some cute boy, perhaps?
591
00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:02,755
Maybe.
592
00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:05,758
What's his name?
593
00:48:05,841 --> 00:48:07,635
- Is it the wellingworth boy...
- No, daddy,
594
00:48:07,718 --> 00:48:08,969
you don't know him.
595
00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:12,306
His name is... Vinnie.
596
00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:17,561
Vinnie. Oh, Jesus.
597
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:19,397
Are you telling me he's Italian?
598
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:21,941
He's really sweet.
599
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,485
Sweet. What does his father do?
600
00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:27,279
Okay, I don't know.
I think he's a plumber.
601
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:29,365
Oh, my god. Oh...
602
00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:31,659
Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
603
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,328
All right. You know what?
This is just...
604
00:48:34,412 --> 00:48:37,998
It's just...
All right. Yeah. Hang on.
605
00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:40,126
Here, wait a minute.
606
00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:41,669
I'll tell you what,
607
00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:43,592
why don't you go shopping
this weekend instead?
608
00:48:44,422 --> 00:48:48,217
Wouldn't you prefer a nice
bracelet or a pretty dress?
609
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:51,637
No, I want to go camping.
610
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,431
I worked hard
to get into the school
611
00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:54,932
that you wanted me to go to.
612
00:48:55,015 --> 00:48:58,185
You chose Princeton, not me.
613
00:48:58,269 --> 00:49:00,688
Don't I deserve
a little bit of a reward?
614
00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:04,692
It's just a trip
with my friends.
615
00:49:07,695 --> 00:49:09,738
You don't get it, sweetie.
616
00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,031
They're not your friends.
617
00:49:11,115 --> 00:49:13,451
They hate you. They hate me.
618
00:49:15,119 --> 00:49:18,831
We are what they would call
one percenters.
619
00:49:18,914 --> 00:49:23,335
Your friends are... not.
620
00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:25,254
They're the 99 belower.
621
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:28,507
And Vinnie,
he may even be a negative five.
622
00:49:29,717 --> 00:49:31,927
Look, your friends
have been brainwashed
623
00:49:32,011 --> 00:49:34,430
into believing
that you and I hate america,
624
00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:37,391
but in fact,
it's them who hate america.
625
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:39,602
And everything it stands for.
626
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:44,064
Now, really, if you want
to go ahead and feel common,
627
00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:46,400
why don't you buy yourself
a little hermes bracelet
628
00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:48,402
or some little thing like that
629
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,321
and forget about
the camping nonsense?
630
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:53,073
Okay, first of all,
daddy, it's "air-mes."
631
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:57,912
Second of all, in three months,
I'm going to be in Princeton,
632
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:00,122
making my own mistakes,
getting drunk,
633
00:50:00,206 --> 00:50:04,251
failing midterms, eating pizza
with the wrong fork.
634
00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:06,670
You're not going to be there
to save me.
635
00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:09,632
I need to start learning
from my own mistakes.
636
00:50:12,134 --> 00:50:14,094
It's just a weekend.
637
00:50:14,178 --> 00:50:16,555
Think of it as training wheels.
638
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:20,351
Come... come on, daddy.
I've earned this.
639
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:22,686
Fine, fine.
640
00:50:22,770 --> 00:50:25,189
But you're taking
your cell phone,
641
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,899
you're turning it on,
642
00:50:26,982 --> 00:50:29,527
and most importantly...
643
00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,111
Call us if you need it.
644
00:50:31,195 --> 00:50:32,756
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
645
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:35,241
You are the best daddy ever.
646
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,245
Vinnie.
647
00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:42,331
This is not going to end well.
648
00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:14,196
Hey, Tiffany,
look, I pissed on myself.
649
00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:17,324
You must be
very proud of yourself.
650
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,302
No, no, actually, I just...
I didn't pee on myself,
651
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:21,203
I just sprayed beer all over.
652
00:51:22,413 --> 00:51:25,332
Wait! Do you want
to take a closer look?
653
00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:30,921
So what's up,
what did you want to show me?
654
00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:33,716
I got this...
This thing for Tiffany.
655
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:35,509
Oh yeah, I saw you
put it in your pocket.
656
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,052
Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.
657
00:51:37,136 --> 00:51:38,738
- It's a big weekend for me.
- Don't be nervous.
658
00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:40,389
- Let me see it.
- All right.
659
00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,558
- Yeah, definitely.
- How big is it?
660
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:43,934
It's not that big.
661
00:51:44,018 --> 00:51:45,686
Oh, you're probably
being modest.
662
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:48,022
Come on. Just show me. Hold on.
Oh, wait, here she comes.
663
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:49,898
Can we go somewhere else?
664
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,359
Listen, you having a good time?
665
00:51:55,279 --> 00:51:56,697
Can you just give me a moment?
666
00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:58,490
We can go somewhere
and have a talk,
667
00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:00,614
I just want to finish
the conversation with Maureen.
668
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,663
Listen, just try to have fun.
669
00:52:05,664 --> 00:52:07,374
You're much prettier
when you smile.
670
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:10,502
We'll be right back.
671
00:52:49,667 --> 00:52:53,462
Yeah. So, I mean, I know
this is crazy, but, um...
672
00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:55,297
I'm crazy about her.
673
00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:57,216
- Aw!
- And I know that
674
00:52:57,299 --> 00:53:00,094
we've only been dating for,
like, three months, but...
675
00:53:01,387 --> 00:53:02,930
Think I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.
676
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,348
What? That's amazing!
677
00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,058
Yeah, I'm going to do it
this weekend.
678
00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,945
- Well, do you have it with you?
- Yeah, I do.
679
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,256
I mean, I've only been carrying
it around with me all day.
680
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,741
Let me see it, let me see it.
How are you gonna do it?
681
00:53:22,825 --> 00:53:24,368
Are you gonna
get down on one knee?
682
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:26,179
Are you gonna just, like,
spring it on her? Like...
683
00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:27,746
- I... I don't know.
- That's...
684
00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:36,839
- That is so amazing.
- Thanks.
685
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,179
- Oh, she's gonna love that.
- You think so?
686
00:53:44,263 --> 00:53:45,848
Is there something on it?
687
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:48,267
Yeah, there's an inscription
I had them put on it.
688
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:58,152
That is so sweet.
689
00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:00,654
Oh, yes,
she is going to love that.
690
00:54:00,738 --> 00:54:02,573
Perfect find. Absolutely.
691
00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:04,408
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate that.
692
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:05,784
I just had to tell somebody.
693
00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:07,619
My god, I'm so excited for you.
694
00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:09,580
Thank you.
695
00:54:13,709 --> 00:54:15,043
[Gunshofl
696
00:54:20,924 --> 00:54:23,260
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie, are you okay?
697
00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:26,096
- Oh, my god, what happened?
- It was an accident.
698
00:54:26,180 --> 00:54:29,683
Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my god,
you shot him. You shot him!
699
00:54:29,767 --> 00:54:31,977
Wait, wait!
Let's think about this first.
700
00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:33,520
Oh, my god! Vinnie, Vinnie?
701
00:54:33,604 --> 00:54:34,998
We're going to get
into so much trouble!
702
00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:36,315
What are you talking about?
703
00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:37,792
You're gonna get
in so much trouble.
704
00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:39,335
- Oh, my god.
- Let's call my dad first.
705
00:54:39,359 --> 00:54:40,652
He has a big time attorney.
706
00:54:40,736 --> 00:54:41,945
We can get out of it.
707
00:54:42,029 --> 00:54:43,864
We? Are you crazy?
708
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:46,700
- Oh, my god.
- Wait!
709
00:54:46,784 --> 00:54:48,327
Vinnie?
710
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:49,953
Vinnie? Oh!
711
00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:52,456
Oh, my god.
712
00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:05,385
You can forget about Princeton,
713
00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:08,722
maybe a community college,
if you're lucky.
714
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:13,143
Remember this phrase,
"you want fries with that?"
715
00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:15,479
You're going to be saying
that for the next
716
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:16,897
50 years of your life.
717
00:55:20,317 --> 00:55:24,571
You gave up your life for
a reefer baked goombah?
718
00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:29,034
Who would bang your best friend
if you turn your back on him?
719
00:55:32,913 --> 00:55:34,331
Boy, I'll say you made a mistake
720
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:36,416
when I wasn't
there watching you.
721
00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:37,835
I can't fix this.
722
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,712
Now you go and you fix it.
723
00:55:57,604 --> 00:55:58,939
[Gunshofl
724
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:22,629
[Gunshofl
725
00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:30,345
- Run!
- What?
726
00:56:38,896 --> 00:56:40,564
Wait...
727
00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:42,858
Tiffany,
did you just shoot Vinnie?
728
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:46,153
[Gunshofl
729
00:57:05,714 --> 00:57:07,633
[Gunshofl
730
00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:23,690
Nobody else has to die, Maureen.
731
00:57:25,025 --> 00:57:26,985
We can tell the police
that Hank and Vinnie
732
00:57:27,069 --> 00:57:28,403
were in some weird love duet
733
00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:29,767
and that they killed each other.
734
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:32,866
What?
What are you talking about?
735
00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:36,078
Hank wasn't going anywhere.
736
00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:37,913
A misogynistic date rape drunk
737
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,748
who barely
got out of high school.
738
00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:42,876
Nobody is going to miss
an idiot who works at Wal-Mart.
739
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:44,336
You're crazy.
740
00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,296
I heard you got into penn state.
741
00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:49,675
Hey, it's not Princeton,
but you're smart.
742
00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:52,970
Not as smart as me, but...
743
00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:55,639
Get with the program,
you know what's going on.
744
00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:00,185
Maureen...
745
00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:02,479
My daddy's lawyer
can work miracles.
746
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:04,898
Please don't make the same
mistake your friends made.
747
00:58:04,982 --> 00:58:08,193
- What are you talking about?
- Stay in your Lane.
748
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,585
Oh, shit! Are you okay?
749
00:58:25,669 --> 00:58:27,254
[Gunshofl
750
00:58:33,885 --> 00:58:35,262
Help!
751
00:58:36,179 --> 00:58:37,472
Help!
752
00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,436
Oh, god! Oh, god!
753
00:58:51,695 --> 00:58:53,363
I'm sorry.
754
01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:19,032
Dad!
755
01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:20,617
You were right, my...
756
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:22,869
My friends, they tried
to kidnap me for ransom
757
01:00:22,953 --> 01:00:26,998
and they just went crazy and
started shooting each other.
758
01:00:29,292 --> 01:00:31,086
I'm going to need a lawyer.
759
01:00:33,088 --> 01:00:35,674
Please help me,
I don't know what to do.
760
01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:37,843
Please, please, please.
761
01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:41,972
Please, help me!
762
01:01:08,999 --> 01:01:10,542
Hey tiff! Tiff, guess...
763
01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:13,003
Guess what I just go
on my gender studies exam.
764
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:14,421
You're not gonna believe this.
765
01:01:16,882 --> 01:01:20,343
- A double d, get it?
- I just pissed myself.
766
01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:23,430
I'm kidding, it's just beer.
767
01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:27,184
- What?
- Ugh, whatever.
768
01:01:32,731 --> 01:01:34,482
Can I call you back?
769
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,946
Can we go somewhere else?
770
01:01:40,030 --> 01:01:41,448
You're not having fun?
771
01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,159
No, Trevor.
772
01:01:44,743 --> 01:01:45,952
Okay, in a minute.
773
01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:47,346
I'll go upstairs
to talk to Brenda,
774
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,788
and I'll be right back down.
775
01:01:51,166 --> 01:01:53,793
All right. Come on.
Try to have some fun.
776
01:01:53,877 --> 01:01:55,337
You're much
prettier when you smile.
777
01:02:45,553 --> 01:02:49,140
Ooh, there was some hunting
in that... oh, in that story.
778
01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,184
Rifle work, shotgun work.
779
01:02:51,268 --> 01:02:52,769
Oh, my word.
780
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,688
You know, rich people
like to go hunting.
781
01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:57,190
They like to go after animals
like elephants
782
01:02:57,274 --> 01:02:59,526
and bison and stuff like that.
783
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,212
If animals could talk,
what would they say
784
01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:02,570
about being shot at?
785
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,155
And who would be the rudest one?
786
01:03:04,239 --> 01:03:06,366
Which animal would
not take so well
787
01:03:06,449 --> 01:03:09,160
to being shot at
by voicing their opinion?
788
01:03:09,244 --> 01:03:10,870
Which one do you think?
789
01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,550
What the hell?
790
01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:51,077
You know what I think?
791
01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:52,996
I think the rudest animal
would be a sloth.
792
01:03:53,079 --> 01:03:55,081
All they want to do
is hang around
793
01:03:55,165 --> 01:03:57,365
and if you try to get them
to do something, they'll say,
794
01:03:58,168 --> 01:04:01,421
"yeah, get the fuck
away from me, pal."
795
01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:05,342
That's rude. Mm. Or maybe
a turtle, the same way.
796
01:04:05,425 --> 01:04:07,969
The turtle, though,
he can beat the rabbit.
797
01:04:45,006 --> 01:04:46,925
Our newest story
is about the times
798
01:04:47,008 --> 01:04:50,178
when you think you're there,
but you're not there.
799
01:04:50,261 --> 01:04:53,264
It's almost as if
you're invisible.
800
01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:21,000
Alexandra, tell me
something I want to hear.
801
01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:22,335
The Raymond Grant book,
802
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:24,129
did you get
his daughter to sign on?
803
01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:26,631
Yes. Well, sir, we actually
had a really good meeting.
804
01:05:26,714 --> 01:05:28,216
I think we're going
to get the deal.
805
01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:29,676
All right. Very good.
806
01:05:29,759 --> 01:05:31,553
Give me her number
so I can give her a ring.
807
01:05:31,636 --> 01:05:33,596
I actually
didn't get her number.
808
01:05:34,931 --> 01:05:37,684
Alex, you spoke to
Jasmin Grant today,
809
01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:40,270
and you didn't get her number?
Why?
810
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,021
I didn't want to push it.
811
01:05:42,105 --> 01:05:44,333
She's going through a lot.
I'll just give her some space.
812
01:05:44,357 --> 01:05:45,817
She has my card.
813
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,861
Push it.
We're all going through a lot.
814
01:05:47,944 --> 01:05:50,071
Do you have any idea
how many publishers
815
01:05:50,155 --> 01:05:52,532
are knocking on that decrepit
door to get to that book?
816
01:05:52,615 --> 01:05:55,201
This is a big deal.
This book is gonna be huge.
817
01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:57,370
What's it about anyway?
818
01:05:57,454 --> 01:05:59,205
She doesn't even know.
819
01:06:00,081 --> 01:06:01,666
Raymond had deadlines,
820
01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:03,877
and he was constantly
missing all the deadlines.
821
01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:06,963
For all we know, it could be
a collection of just post-its.
822
01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:09,424
Right. Post-its.
823
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:14,053
Yeah, right. We were probably
gonna drop him anyway.
824
01:06:14,137 --> 01:06:16,848
Last couple of films
flopped at the box office.
825
01:06:16,931 --> 01:06:18,558
Book sales tanked.
826
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,810
He kept saying, "I just
need one, one more hit and...
827
01:06:20,894 --> 01:06:22,145
I'm back on top."
828
01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,399
Exactly, we all thought
he just had a writer's block.
829
01:06:26,483 --> 01:06:28,943
You know, his best stuff
was his early work.
830
01:06:29,027 --> 01:06:30,987
Towards the end...
831
01:06:31,070 --> 01:06:33,281
Just like bands,
win three albums,
832
01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:35,158
after that they all suck.
833
01:06:35,241 --> 01:06:36,910
Same thing.
834
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,304
You know what happens
to those bands
835
01:06:38,328 --> 01:06:39,412
when their front man dies?
836
01:06:40,497 --> 01:06:42,457
Everybody and their mother
is clawing to get
837
01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,351
the last album because
it might be worth something,
838
01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,335
even though they haven't
had a hit in two decades.
839
01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:50,256
No, yeah, you're right.
840
01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:53,081
You're right, I'll get onto it.
841
01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,804
Perfect.
That's what I want to hear.
842
01:06:57,514 --> 01:07:00,225
And if I didn't tell you that
your job depended on this one,
843
01:07:00,308 --> 01:07:01,976
well, I'd be lying.
844
01:07:02,060 --> 01:07:04,562
- So let me know.
- Okay.
845
01:07:19,410 --> 01:07:22,121
Well, those are the perils
of being invisible.
846
01:07:22,205 --> 01:07:24,207
That's why
they wear those yellow vests
847
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:26,084
out on the highway, right?
848
01:07:26,167 --> 01:07:28,187
Invisible man would never
work on the highway. Oh my.
849
01:07:28,211 --> 01:07:31,923
Anyway, the question we need
to address right now is
850
01:07:32,006 --> 01:07:33,967
how many chickens would it take
851
01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:35,343
to kill an elephant?
852
01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:44,561
Hello?
853
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:49,440
Hello?
854
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:00,285
Hello?
855
01:08:04,247 --> 01:08:06,040
Jasmin?
856
01:08:11,337 --> 01:08:12,964
Hello?
857
01:08:14,757 --> 01:08:16,217
Hello?
858
01:08:17,927 --> 01:08:19,554
Anyone home?
859
01:08:22,390 --> 01:08:27,437
! Oye! Gqué te pasa?
Gqué tu haces en mi casa?
860
01:08:29,063 --> 01:08:31,691
Lesperate! No soy.
861
01:08:47,457 --> 01:08:51,169
Um, would it take 500
elephant-sized chickens
862
01:08:51,252 --> 01:08:53,630
to kill
an elephant-sized chicken?
863
01:09:03,848 --> 01:09:05,767
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with,
864
01:09:05,850 --> 01:09:08,519
it's gonna take
one elephant-sized chicken
865
01:09:08,603 --> 01:09:09,937
to kill an elephant.
866
01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:11,564
And that would be
one big chicken.
867
01:09:11,648 --> 01:09:15,401
When he pecks, earthquake time.
868
01:09:15,485 --> 01:09:18,571
Our next story is about
a conference of scientists.
869
01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:20,865
It's a typical
scientific meeting
870
01:09:20,948 --> 01:09:24,619
where some scientists are
more welcome than others.
871
01:09:59,821 --> 01:10:03,116
Why the hell do we have
to live in a castle?
872
01:10:03,199 --> 01:10:04,492
It's just one of the many perks
873
01:10:04,575 --> 01:10:06,327
of being a mad scientist,
my darling.
874
01:10:06,411 --> 01:10:07,912
But you're not mad.
875
01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:10,248
- No.
- You're not even annoyed.
876
01:10:10,331 --> 01:10:12,250
You're...
877
01:10:12,333 --> 01:10:13,376
Perky.
878
01:10:13,459 --> 01:10:15,753
Why the hell are you so perky?
879
01:10:17,171 --> 01:10:19,257
It's your birthday.
880
01:10:19,340 --> 01:10:22,009
That's says 50. Do I look 50?
881
01:10:22,093 --> 01:10:23,469
Uh, no, no, no.
882
01:10:23,553 --> 01:10:25,430
And you do not look 50
the other eight times
883
01:10:25,513 --> 01:10:27,306
we celebrated
your 50th birthday either.
884
01:10:27,390 --> 01:10:30,351
Seven. I am 57.
885
01:10:30,435 --> 01:10:32,979
Do I look 58?
886
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:35,982
Why can't you invent
something useful,
887
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:37,442
like an anti-aging formula
888
01:10:37,525 --> 01:10:39,610
and not roller skates
for squirrels?
889
01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:43,322
Well, I will admit to a bit
of a dry period lately,
890
01:10:43,406 --> 01:10:46,117
but honestly,
this cake is del... oh!
891
01:11:00,256 --> 01:11:01,340
Don't worry, baby.
892
01:11:01,424 --> 01:11:03,509
It's just a little bit stuck.
893
01:11:03,593 --> 01:11:05,678
You'll be fine.
894
01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:07,263
Just stay still. Don't move.
895
01:11:07,346 --> 01:11:09,974
You're not moving.
You're good at not moving.
896
01:11:10,057 --> 01:11:11,225
Oh!
897
01:11:11,309 --> 01:11:15,646
Honey, honey, honey!
Honey, you okay?
898
01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:53,684
She's alive!
899
01:11:53,768 --> 01:11:55,019
She's alive!
900
01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,648
Crapola!
901
01:12:19,919 --> 01:12:21,587
She's alive!
902
01:12:21,671 --> 01:12:23,214
She's alive!
903
01:12:23,297 --> 01:12:24,757
Motherfucker!
904
01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:41,440
Mr. Frankenstein.
905
01:12:41,524 --> 01:12:43,651
Dr. Frankenstein, actually.
906
01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:45,486
Whatever. What is it this time?
907
01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:48,406
I was wondering if
I could borrow a little power,
908
01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:49,782
just as scooch.
909
01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,284
Power.
910
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:52,803
That's all you mad
scientists think about,
911
01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:55,454
power to rule the world.
912
01:12:55,538 --> 01:12:57,224
Well, I don't think
you even have enough power
913
01:12:57,248 --> 01:12:58,666
to mow your lawn.
914
01:12:58,749 --> 01:13:00,585
Ah, yes, the death weeds.
915
01:13:00,668 --> 01:13:02,712
Well, I promise to get
to them next Tuesday.
916
01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:06,132
There was an experiment
that went wrong.
917
01:13:06,215 --> 01:13:08,718
- Sorry about the dog.
- What?
918
01:13:08,801 --> 01:13:10,636
Huh? What?
919
01:13:10,720 --> 01:13:13,764
Look, last week
it was a cup of sugar,
920
01:13:13,848 --> 01:13:16,183
the week before that
it was tea bags.
921
01:13:16,267 --> 01:13:18,185
Now this.
922
01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:20,605
What do you need
my electricity for?
923
01:13:22,064 --> 01:13:24,317
Just to reanimate the dead.
924
01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:25,443
It's no biggie.
925
01:13:25,526 --> 01:13:26,903
Very low power consumption.
926
01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:30,364
- Huh.
- Yeah, it's...
927
01:13:30,448 --> 01:13:32,283
Funny, actually. Funny story.
928
01:13:32,366 --> 01:13:34,493
I accidentally killed my wife,
and you know,
929
01:13:34,577 --> 01:13:37,496
I would like to see her back
so, if I could just...
930
01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,749
Yeah, whatever.
931
01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:41,167
Thank you.
932
01:13:41,250 --> 01:13:43,044
What a bitch.
933
01:14:05,274 --> 01:14:06,776
She's alive.
934
01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:08,361
She's alive!
935
01:14:50,069 --> 01:14:52,697
What the fuck are you doing?
936
01:14:52,780 --> 01:14:55,741
Just checking to see
if you're alive again.
937
01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:57,535
Again?
938
01:14:57,618 --> 01:15:00,246
Did you fucking kill me?
939
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,415
Just temporarily.
You're a lot better now.
940
01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:04,125
Look, you're siting up
and everything.
941
01:15:04,792 --> 01:15:06,669
You stabbed me?
942
01:15:06,752 --> 01:15:10,214
Oh, my god, you better not
have left a scar.
943
01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:14,010
No, you look as lovely as ever.
944
01:15:14,093 --> 01:15:15,553
Where's the mirror?
945
01:15:16,679 --> 01:15:19,265
Where's that damn mirror?
946
01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:20,951
Well, there's one by the
kitchen, there's another one
947
01:15:20,975 --> 01:15:22,518
in the bathroom...
Let's go this way.
948
01:15:22,601 --> 01:15:24,020
This is a nice big one.
949
01:15:24,103 --> 01:15:27,648
Victor, you motherfucker.
I'm hideous!
950
01:15:28,566 --> 01:15:30,067
Only on the outside.
951
01:15:30,151 --> 01:15:32,319
I mean, beauty's only skin deep.
952
01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:33,988
Oh, god.
953
01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:35,865
Oh, god. What has he done?
954
01:15:38,200 --> 01:15:41,746
Honey, what are you doing?
955
01:15:44,874 --> 01:15:47,168
You know, it's not so bad...
956
01:15:47,251 --> 01:15:49,045
With a little make up on
957
01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:51,589
you'll be as beautiful
as the day I met you.
958
01:15:55,176 --> 01:15:56,552
Honey?
959
01:15:56,635 --> 01:15:58,471
Honey boo-boo?
960
01:16:10,900 --> 01:16:13,152
I don't know what happened.
961
01:16:13,235 --> 01:16:15,738
You must have tripped
and accidentally swallowed
962
01:16:15,821 --> 01:16:17,865
all those pills,
but do not worry.
963
01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:19,825
Threw them all out.
We'll be just fine.
964
01:16:19,909 --> 01:16:22,203
Right. An accident.
965
01:16:22,286 --> 01:16:25,164
I got a little surprise for you.
966
01:16:25,247 --> 01:16:27,124
- What?
- Upstairs,
967
01:16:27,208 --> 01:16:28,834
I set up the VCR
with all those tapes
968
01:16:28,918 --> 01:16:30,419
of you winning
the beauty contest.
969
01:16:30,503 --> 01:16:32,671
I know how that cheers you up.
970
01:16:32,755 --> 01:16:35,007
We'll go upstairs
and watch them, yeah? Come on.
971
01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:36,258
Come on.
972
01:16:51,774 --> 01:16:53,317
There she is!
973
01:16:53,400 --> 01:16:55,444
Oh, my god. Honey, you are so...
974
01:16:55,528 --> 01:16:57,863
Oh, by the way,
975
01:16:57,947 --> 01:17:00,491
I was thinking
about how to deal with,
976
01:17:00,574 --> 01:17:02,701
let's call them
blemishes on your face,
977
01:17:02,785 --> 01:17:05,955
and while you were away,
978
01:17:06,038 --> 01:17:07,665
I took an art class.
979
01:17:07,748 --> 01:17:09,542
I think I was able
to reconstruct
980
01:17:09,625 --> 01:17:11,085
your face really well.
981
01:17:11,168 --> 01:17:13,546
Oh, yeah? You fixed me.
982
01:17:14,797 --> 01:17:17,591
So you're telling me I'm
as beautiful as I was before?
983
01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:20,302
Even better,
and I got a perfect score
984
01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:22,012
from my art teacher.
985
01:17:22,096 --> 01:17:23,722
I don't know.
986
01:17:23,806 --> 01:17:26,600
It doesn't feel right.
987
01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:28,853
What artist did you study?
988
01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:30,229
Picasso!
989
01:17:39,738 --> 01:17:41,574
What the hell is this?
990
01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:45,244
I knew your affections for
the cat were very strong, so.
991
01:17:45,953 --> 01:17:50,166
You attached Fifi to me?
992
01:17:50,249 --> 01:17:52,418
Yes! Don't you love it?
993
01:17:52,501 --> 01:17:54,503
Now, you guys
will never be separated.
994
01:17:54,587 --> 01:17:58,090
What the fuck is wrong with you?
995
01:17:58,174 --> 01:17:59,758
Wait, you don't like this?
996
01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:05,472
If that's Fifi,
997
01:18:05,556 --> 01:18:08,267
who the hell is this
you've attached to me?
998
01:18:09,018 --> 01:18:12,605
I don't know,
he was back by the dumpsters.
999
01:18:12,688 --> 01:18:15,566
So cute, looks just
like Fifi, doesn't it?
1000
01:18:19,570 --> 01:18:21,822
Think of it as like
a windshield wiper,
1001
01:18:21,906 --> 01:18:25,618
you grow used to it,
your friends will be jealous.
1002
01:18:38,547 --> 01:18:43,052
Victor, stop bringing me back.
1003
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:44,637
But I love you!
1004
01:18:44,720 --> 01:18:47,848
But I don't love
living this way.
1005
01:18:47,932 --> 01:18:50,476
What can I do to make you happy?
1006
01:18:50,559 --> 01:18:52,811
You can make me beautiful again.
1007
01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:55,522
But you already are beautiful.
1008
01:18:55,606 --> 01:18:57,149
No, I'm not.
1009
01:18:57,233 --> 01:18:59,652
You're the most beautiful
women that I know.
1010
01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:01,654
I'm ugly.
1011
01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:03,322
You're a masterpiece.
1012
01:19:03,405 --> 01:19:04,907
Your delicate hands...
1013
01:19:06,492 --> 01:19:09,161
Your wonderful eyes.
Your beautiful smile.
1014
01:19:09,245 --> 01:19:12,373
Your radiance knows no bounds.
1015
01:19:12,456 --> 01:19:14,333
You really think so?
1016
01:19:14,416 --> 01:19:16,460
I most certainly do, my darling.
1017
01:19:16,543 --> 01:19:18,087
Then kiss me.
1018
01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:21,548
- What?
- Kiss me.
1019
01:19:21,632 --> 01:19:25,010
If I'm not vile to look at
then make love to me.
1020
01:19:27,930 --> 01:19:29,848
If I'm as beautiful as ever,
1021
01:19:29,932 --> 01:19:34,603
then you should want
to pounce on me right now.
1022
01:19:39,441 --> 01:19:40,985
Crapola.
1023
01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:45,572
Are you sure
you're in the mood, honey?
1024
01:19:45,656 --> 01:19:47,491
- Yes.
- Because, you know,
1025
01:19:47,574 --> 01:19:49,052
we could watch television
or something.
1026
01:19:49,076 --> 01:19:52,121
Make me feel beautiful.
1027
01:19:52,204 --> 01:19:53,914
Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure.
1028
01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:07,553
Okay, okay. Let's do this.
1029
01:20:24,111 --> 01:20:25,904
Is it good for you, baby?
1030
01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:29,491
I should have made the daddy
hole a little bit bigger.
1031
01:20:32,453 --> 01:20:34,830
Oh, it's the balloon.
1032
01:20:34,913 --> 01:20:36,498
Just the balloon.
1033
01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:27,716
Are you okay, Victor?
1034
01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:31,845
Yeah, that was amazing, baby.
1035
01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:35,891
Just like our wedding night.
1036
01:21:37,810 --> 01:21:41,271
You have definitely
not aged one bit.
1037
01:21:41,355 --> 01:21:43,982
Oh, my god.
1038
01:21:44,066 --> 01:21:46,693
Oh, I'll get it, baby.
1039
01:21:49,071 --> 01:21:50,823
I ordered dinner.
1040
01:21:50,906 --> 01:21:55,035
So you just stay there and bask
in the glory of... my love.
1041
01:21:55,119 --> 01:21:56,829
I'll get the dinner.
1042
01:21:58,414 --> 01:22:00,124
Magic pizza!
1043
01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:05,087
We deliver in less than five
hours or your soda is half off.
1044
01:22:05,170 --> 01:22:07,798
Yes.
Wonderful, wonderful. Honey!
1045
01:22:07,881 --> 01:22:09,383
I'm just going
to get some pizza,
1046
01:22:09,466 --> 01:22:11,468
put in the blender
for your food hole.
1047
01:22:11,552 --> 01:22:13,262
Let's see what I got there.
1048
01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:15,347
How are you doing, buddy?
What's your name?
1049
01:22:15,431 --> 01:22:16,598
Fuck off.
1050
01:22:16,682 --> 01:22:19,184
Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov?
1051
01:22:19,268 --> 01:22:21,854
Say,
there's something on your roof.
1052
01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:23,856
Huh? What?
1053
01:22:32,865 --> 01:22:34,616
Oh, shit.
1054
01:22:45,002 --> 01:22:46,879
What are you complaining about?
1055
01:22:48,297 --> 01:22:51,467
It's only been a couple of
weeks, you'll get used to it.
1056
01:22:51,550 --> 01:22:55,262
Besides, not only did
you get your second hand back,
1057
01:22:55,345 --> 01:22:58,140
but you have
a third one as a spare.
1058
01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:03,479
Hey! Those are my lips.
1059
01:23:03,562 --> 01:23:05,647
Ah, fuckov.
I'm sorry, I keep forgetting.
1060
01:23:05,731 --> 01:23:08,400
You're a very good kisser,
though.
1061
01:23:14,865 --> 01:23:17,784
Nibbling on your ears
is positively delicious.
1062
01:23:17,868 --> 01:23:20,913
Victor, this has to stop.
1063
01:23:20,996 --> 01:23:23,123
What? I can always get
more pizza. What you think?
1064
01:23:23,207 --> 01:23:24,887
He's the only pizza guy
in the world, baby?
1065
01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:27,628
I'm done. I want out.
1066
01:23:27,711 --> 01:23:29,505
Okay, you want to go out?
1067
01:23:29,588 --> 01:23:30,923
Let's see,
we could go to the park
1068
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,883
if we go out the backdoor...
1069
01:23:32,966 --> 01:23:35,719
I want a divorce.
1070
01:23:38,096 --> 01:23:40,599
Look at me. Just look at me.
1071
01:23:41,642 --> 01:23:44,937
Can you honestly tell me
I'm beautiful?
1072
01:23:46,146 --> 01:23:47,147
Honestly.
1073
01:23:47,898 --> 01:23:49,983
I'm not gonna lie,
it's taking a little bit
1074
01:23:50,067 --> 01:23:51,711
to get used to you new features
but you know,
1075
01:23:51,735 --> 01:23:53,445
I'm getting there.
I'm getting there.
1076
01:23:53,529 --> 01:23:55,572
We all change physically.
1077
01:23:57,366 --> 01:23:59,660
It's not the physical things
that are important, though.
1078
01:23:59,743 --> 01:24:02,287
I did not fall in love
with you for your beauty alone.
1079
01:24:02,371 --> 01:24:04,498
I fell in love with you for
your kindness and
1080
01:24:04,581 --> 01:24:06,792
your sense of humor
and the way you cheered me up
1081
01:24:06,875 --> 01:24:08,126
when my experiments went wrong,
1082
01:24:08,210 --> 01:24:09,711
and you had to do
that quite a bit.
1083
01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:11,713
Am I kidding? No.
1084
01:24:13,465 --> 01:24:16,301
The heart does not use
the eyes to see.
1085
01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:20,681
True beauty can not
be reflected in the mirror.
1086
01:24:20,764 --> 01:24:25,060
I love you. The real you,
the deep down inside you.
1087
01:24:25,143 --> 01:24:28,522
Nothing could change that, ever.
1088
01:24:28,605 --> 01:24:30,190
You know,
they call me a mad scientist.
1089
01:24:30,274 --> 01:24:31,984
Well, yes, I am mad.
1090
01:24:32,901 --> 01:24:34,736
I'm mad about you.
1091
01:24:35,737 --> 01:24:37,072
You know what?
1092
01:24:37,155 --> 01:24:39,491
I have a cousin
who's a plastic surgeon.
1093
01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:41,827
I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor.
1094
01:24:41,910 --> 01:24:43,287
Have a nice life.
1095
01:24:43,370 --> 01:24:45,247
Wait...
1096
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:47,833
Wait, what? What?
1097
01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:55,507
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1098
01:24:55,591 --> 01:24:58,635
Wait, wait.
1099
01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:10,022
A monster, kill it!
1100
01:25:52,981 --> 01:25:54,399
Oh, hey.
1101
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,068
Oh, great, great read.
1102
01:25:56,151 --> 01:25:59,321
You must be, are you...
Are you representing Jasmin?
1103
01:25:59,404 --> 01:26:02,407
I will have
my people talk to Jasmin.
1104
01:26:02,491 --> 01:26:04,576
You must be
her boyfriend, right?
1105
01:26:04,660 --> 01:26:06,745
Okay, I really have to go.
1106
01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:04,094
Jasmin, darling.
1107
01:27:04,177 --> 01:27:06,471
Fantastic seeing you.
1108
01:27:06,555 --> 01:27:07,806
Thank you. Thank you.
1109
01:27:07,889 --> 01:27:09,683
We here at snake oil publishing,
1110
01:27:09,766 --> 01:27:11,309
we love the book.
1111
01:27:11,393 --> 01:27:13,145
We just loved it.
1112
01:27:13,228 --> 01:27:14,438
You actually read it?
1113
01:27:14,521 --> 01:27:16,273
Oh, no.
1114
01:27:16,356 --> 01:27:18,358
But I talked to
my people on the phone
1115
01:27:18,442 --> 01:27:21,737
and they could not
stop screaming about it.
1116
01:27:21,820 --> 01:27:23,739
Oh, I see.
1117
01:27:23,822 --> 01:27:25,615
Mh-mm. I talked
to the distributors
1118
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:29,035
and they say
the new Raymond castle book
1119
01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:30,662
is going to be huge.
1120
01:27:30,746 --> 01:27:32,164
- Well, that's great news.
- Yeah,
1121
01:27:32,247 --> 01:27:34,249
we're gonna have
tons of copies in Wal-Mart,
1122
01:27:34,332 --> 01:27:36,668
in Barnes & noble.
1123
01:27:36,752 --> 01:27:39,171
It's gonna be
the next goosebumps.
1124
01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:41,590
Oh, that's good. Good.
1125
01:27:41,673 --> 01:27:44,676
This book, it's gonna be killer.
1126
01:27:50,182 --> 01:27:52,142
Well, I hope so.
75107
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