Original subtitles

- And as the neighbor was spraying us

with a hose to separate us,

my boyfriend Jimmy Chonga whispered into my ear,

"Now I know that dogs do have souls,

because ours just mated."

- All of that is a lie.

Those of you on Team Darla will be happy to know

that she's quit Lindsay, that femme fatale of footwear,

and has come back to me.

- Well, that's wonderful...

- Not ready for feedback. There's more.

Xavier is coming home from college.

- And Xavier is an upside down colander you hooked up with?

- Xavier is my original human.

I was a gift to him on his seventh birthday,

and we were inseparable until he left for college.

We were even in a band together,

until I slept with one of the drumsticks.

- Jill is getting a puppy.

- Take that back, you scale-faced sack of algae!

And I... I mean, what are you talking about, Bubbles?

- It's true.

Jill has been on her lap thing every night searching.

- There's no way Jill would make a decision like that

without consulting me.

- Sexy new baby replace sexy older baby in prime.

It is Kit Kat all over again.

- All right. Enough.

We're not getting our news

from an animal with a brain so small

she doesn't even know how to pinch off a poop.

- This is not a poop.

It's a scarf that my butt makes,

and you're all getting one for Christmas.

- Ooh! Are they all brown?

- Are you sure she was looking at puppies

and not just on a dating site?

- I may be a fish, but I know the difference between a puppy

and a divorced real estate agent.

- But we have a puppy. Me. That's my role.

- Chief, you're six.

- That doesn't matter. I'm baby.

Me baby. Goo-goo-bow-wow.

- I relate to the fear you're expressing

through that cringy baby talk.

- Phank woo.

- But, you know, I've thought about it some more,

and I think it could be good for us.

Besides, Jill may get other pets,

but none will have our special connection.

Sometimes Jill will put her glasses on me.

Oh, and one time she tried on my collar.

- Go get the leash.

- If Jill is gonna get us a pet,

why doesn't she do something cool like clone me

so I can be successful at work

while spending quality time with the kids?

- What? - My point is,

me wub the way things awe.

- It's going to be okay. Twust me.

- Ugh, Honey, I just spent this whole conversation

explaining why I don't want another baby in the house.

I mean, were you even wistening?

- That baby talk should be a turn-off, but...

- Come on, Tabs. It's dinner time.

- I-I can't.

I made promise to myself,

never again participate in Tuna Toes Tuesday.

Ugh!

- I love my life.

- I know you're hungry,

so I'm gonna share something with you

that I've never shared with another cat.

- You own two-story house? - With my credit score?

I don't think so.

The lady that lives here puts out food for stray cats.

And if a person tries to take it,

she calls the police.

It's hilarious.

Is that wet cat food? In crystal goblet?

Uh-huh.

Hmm...

That is me.

And that is me.

And that is guitar lessons,

but underneath that is me.

Why would they use that picture?

- Yeah, it's not one of your best,

but the fact that they're using this less beautiful

but more accurate picture shows how much they want you back.

Let me rephrase that.

See, they can't use one of your glamour shots

because it wouldn't look like...

- I want to go.

- Aww, don't listen to me. I only have one eye.

Sorry, ma'am.

- Honey, Chief, come.

I have a surprise for you next door.

- I love surprises. I hope it's a poop scarf.

- Little Cookie. She's cute, right? I found her.

- She's the sweetest little puppy.

- Ah. The puppy is for our neighbor.

Now don't you feel silly for getting so worked up?

Hey there, Little Cookie.

Aww, aren't you the female friend and daughter

I've always wanted?

Yes, you are.

Hold. Hold.

Now, tell that bitch who's boss.

- Feels great on your anal sac, right?

Don't ever let anyone tell you this is wrong.

- Little Cookie, you're the best therapist

in the whole quadrant.

- That's only because I learned from the best.

- Okay.

Pass on my wisdom to you later, I will.

That was a reference to a thing I was thinking.

Okay, bye.

- Is she still watching us?

- Yes.

I just wish she'd move on with her life.

Her constant lurking really gives me a de-rection.

It's Xavier! He's home!

My man, what it be?

- I can't believe I left you here.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

You're coming back to school with me.

Oh, hey Shel. Hey, other turtle.

- Xavier and Lindsay?

- I give them a week.

- I can't put this off any longer.

You guys are going to meet him soon enough.

- Who? - Jimmy Chonga?

- Okay, remember I'm laying odds

that she brings in a watermelon on four carrot legs.

- I always imagined him

to be a cantaloupe with pretzel stick legs.

- I picture a piñata full of misplaced hope.

- I know this roasting is a sign of your respect,

but this is serious.

Jimmy Chonga exists.

He just doesn't know that I do.

I've had a crush on him since puppy class,

and he's just moved to our neighborhood.

So chances are you'll run into him at the dog park.

- You know what, Elsa?

I am really glad Jimmy Chonga exists.

And given the way you feel about him, he is one lucky dog.

- I feel a "but" coming. - Oh, there is a butt, Tabitha.

It's mine, and soon you'll be watching it

walk out that door.

Yep, I'm joining Cloons and fam in London.

But before I go,

I just wanna tell you all what you've meant to me.

- This is going to be good. - No, it's not.

But Shel, one thing I love about you is your optimism.

And Nibbles, you're tough as nails with a heart of gold.

- Nope. - Chico!

Did I already use optimism on Shel?

- Same for you. - Aww.

- Oh, Tabitha, The Gray One.

Will they? Won't they? Who cares? I do.

And Diablo, what are you? Like, a dog?

I was gonna ask you the first week,

but then too much time passed and it would have been weird.

- I mean, it's pretty weird now.

- And Honey, deep down

I think you may be crazier than all of us,

but that's why I love you, mama.

- Well, that wasn't a compliment, but...

- Later, losers. Ha-ha!

- Wait. You're leaving right now?

- I'm a pig flying international.

You can't be early enough to the airport.

- What just happened? - I'm sorry.

You guys knew I was a dog, right?

- You know, I thought you were a squirrel the first two weeks.

- Land otter. - Feather duster.

- Baby rat. - Injured jackal

- David Spade. - Premature Ewok baby.

- Wow. Just wow.

- It's the battle of the babies.

Let's get weady to wumble!

- Come here, you little cute little...

Come here.

- So Jill did get a new puppy.

From first dog to third wheel.

- Ha, that's a big leap for such short legs.

No, she belongs to our neighbors.

- Well, it looks like she and Chief are enjoying themselves.

Why aren't you joining in?

- Oh, she needs to learn one-on-one socialization, so...

- So they didn't invite you?

I'm gonna go check on Jill.

- Oh, looks like Jill's a little busy

with her new playmate.

- A husky?

Okay, that guy is definitely not our type.

It's probably named something like Utah

and doesn't have all its vaccinations.

I'm gonna go save her.

- Elsa, I heard someone say "Leave it, Jimmy Chonga!"

He's here.

- Oh my god. What do I do? What do I do?

He is a snack.

- He is a total snack.

- I don't even know what to say.

This may surprise you, but I don't got game.

- Hey, girl. What's going on? - I gotta poop.

Real bad.

- I'll be your wingman.

I do this for my dad all the time,

and one time, it almost worked.

- I like those odds.

- Maybe Elsa is right.

I should just join in. I remember how to play.

Okay, here comes some spontaneous playfulness.

In three, two, one.

- Ow! My hip!

- His hip! - Ugh.

You don't just jump on two babies.

- Sorry. Sorry. My mistake.

I'll just... I'll let you two do your thing.

Stupid Elsa.

- I play rough! I have no boundaries!

My name is Montana, and here I come!

- Great. Now I'm the fourth wheel.

- Here I come! - Fifth.

- Oh, hell yeah! - Sixth.

- Room for one more? - Seventh.

Oh, come on!

- Hey. - What do you want?

- I know you're upset because I accidentally implied

you were ugly several times.

So I threw a little something together

to remind you how pretty you are.

- That's not why...

- Welcome to the first annual Uglier than Tabitha Parade!

First up: The Hideous One

- I got stuck in the microwave for a couple of seconds

when they were making popcorn.

And my secret talent is this.

Ta-da!

- Blech, am I right?

Next up, the Horribly Out of Proportion One.

- My talent is looking normal

in the reflection of this dented toaster oven.

- Next.

- I absorbed all the other kittens in my litter,

and now they always have my back.

Hi.

- That'll haunt you for all nine lives.

Bet you're feeling a little less ugly now.

- I'm leaving.

It's not your fault.

You guys were disgusting. Thank you.

And no matter how many hideous cat parades I put together,

she's still upset I keep calling her ugly.

- That is not why I am upset.

It is because of hairy arm.

- You've hooked me. Now reel me in.

- In the lost cat photograph, I saw Stelios' arm.

I used to fall asleep

in that arm every night after my dinner.

I drifted off in the warm glow of his laptop

as he cruised farm tables on First Dibs.

I'm not upset that you call me ugly.

I know I'm centerfold cat.

I'm upset because I miss my Stelios.

- Well, then, why don't you go home?

- Then I would miss living with you.

I'm staying with The Gray One

and all of his disgusting friends.

- Are you sure?

I mean, they are truly repugnant.

Sometimes those cats on her back kiss each other.

- My mind is made up. - Yay for the Grayitha One!

That's my couple name for you guys.

- Speaking of couples doomed to break up,

Xavier is taking Lindsay back to college with him.

And I wish him luck.

There's not enough lime rickeys in the world

to quench that thirsty beast.

- Diablo, Jimmy Chonga totally avoided me

after you left the park.

What. Did. You. Say?

- So she's been lying about you being her boyfriend.

She also told us a funny story about when you were a puppy

and you got neutered, the vet said

one of your testicles hadn't descended,

and she was like, "If I was his testicle,

I'd stay up in there too."

And she'd do this funny voice

and your testicle would be like,

"I'm not going anywhere no how!"

- But why?

- Just making conversation.

- I have spent so much time projecting spectacular

yet achievable fantasies onto this relationship,

and now I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

with a Jimmy Chonga-sized hole in my heart.

I'm so alone!

- Elsa, I can relate to what you're going through right now.

- You can? - Yes.

Uh, Chief and Little Cookie have really bonded,

and I'm happy for them,

but it's just left me feeling a little, um, lonely.

- That's how I felt after I killed Butterscotch.

- Not that it was a competition,

but Chief is clearly Little Cookie's favorite.

- Ouch. This is helping me feel better.

- Eating Butterscotch's face helped me feel better.

- So, Honey, have you tried eating the puppy's face?

- No, Chico. No.

- Maybe Little Cookie will want

to hang out with you when she's older.

- But why not now? - A puppy needs to run around,

be a little wild, make a little mischief

while it's still cute, you know?

- Are you saying I'm not as fun as Chief?

- No, but if Max were here, he would have.

God, I miss him.

- I don't have a lot of experience with pigs.

I hear you guys are smart, though.

Like, smarter than dogs.

- Not smart enough to put

my noise-cancelling headphones in my carry-on.

Why won't this guy shut up?

Why are we stopping here? Max doesn't shuttle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I need to get to LAX, pronto!

- Are you Max?

- Listen, you got to get this guy

to take me to the airport.

If I miss my flight, George will kill me.

- George didn't tell you? - Tell me what?

- You're not moving to London.

You're moving here, to Los Feliz,

to live with me and Ray Liotta.

Come on, I'll show you the bed we all share.

- What the hell?

Did you do this?

- What? That?

That is clearly the work of someone

without opposable thumbs.

Chief.

I can't believe you guys dug up Jill's roses.

Now where is she gonna get her Friday night bed petals?

- Honey, hold on.

We're creating a secret fart language.

- Okay, Chief, this isn't funny.

- Honey, we were just playing around.

We just did it for shiggles.

See, this is why I didn't invite her.

- I am fully capable

of doing things for shiggles.

See? - What?

We can't make out a word you're farting.

- Hey, Bubbles. - I'm busy.

Pinching off a poop.

It's an L for Loser.

- Hi, sweet girl.

- Oh, Jill, it has been a day.

Why is husky guy here?

Okay, where's Montana?

I know you're here, you blue-eyed anarchist.

And why is he grooming Jill's face?

- Uh, your dog is kinda freaking out.

- I don't know what's gotten into her.

Okay. Come on.

- I can be fun. I can be bad. I can.

Ah! Ah! Thorns!

Why would anyone want to do this? Ow.

- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

- Well, everyone has someone to play and cuddle with but me.

Do you have any idea how soft I am?

I'm a walking stuffed animal!

- Wow, you weren't kidding.

- So why am I alone? Why?

Just because I'm obedient and a rule follower?

Okay, stop petting me. Your fingers creep me out.

You know, I wanted to run off with Armando.

- The pig? - The coyote.

- Oh, right, right, right.

- I wanted to throw caution to the wind,

make mischief, break the rules.

But I didn't.

I didn't because I'm a good, soft girl.

- I'll say. - Enough.

I should have gone when I had the chance.

- You still have the chance.

- Armando?

- That's right. Drink him in.

- Wait until you see this house.

They've got everything a cat like you could want.

- This is my old house.

- This is where you belong.

Not with me at that dump.

You deserve to be in a place

where the cats only have one face.

- I don't know what to say.

- I mean, a thank you would be nice?

- No.

You should go before they beat you with a broom.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, my God.

She's back! My baby's back!

Oh, my God.

She smells like your mother's foot before they amputated.

- Excuse me, buddy.

- I can fix things with Jimmy Chonga.

Let me go talk to him.

- Do not.

Max? Why aren't you in London?

- I'm Ray Liotta's pig now,

and apparently we go to the dog park.

- Does this mean you're coming back to group?

- No, I can't.

I said some things I can't take back.

Nice things, from the heart. I built a few too many bridges.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I guess I'll just hang out with Liotta

until Cloons comes crawling back.

- Well, thank God you're here.

Pretend to be my boyfriend in front of Jimmy Chonga.

- Yeah, I guess I got a few minutes

while Ray finishes his Cameo.

Another $39.

Let's see. Who's next? Oh, Veronica got a promotion.

Hey, V, what'd I tell ya?

- Go tell Jimmy Chonga that my boyfriend Max

is back in town, and I have moved on.

Go!

Look at me lovingly, tap into your emotions,

and action.

Max, I knew you'd come back for me!

- Of course I came back for you.

I'm not some heartless monster

who would just fly off to London

and leave his best friend behind.

- Keep it on me. Keep it on me. - Oh, that's right.

It's always gotta be about you.

Your career, your family,

your anti-poaching satellite program.

But you know what, George? Now it's my time!

So goodbye forever! - What?

You want me to meet your parents?

- Okay. - Oh, thank God.

So what'd he say?

- He... he was devastated.

- Yes! Max, no notes. You were amazing.

- Oh, thanks, Elsa. You were just okay.

- Come on, kids. Change of plans.

Uncle Ray just remembered

he left a pound of scampi in the car.

- Scampi?

Classier than Clooney, that's for sure.

- Yeah.

- One pint salted caramel

and something dairy-free for dad.

Mark is not my dad.

I got it.

- What are you looking at?

- Take the high road, my love.

Soon she'll be out of our lives forever.

- I just can't help but feel she's evil, Shel.

- She's harmless.

The next chapter is all about us

- Wait. Crap.

No!

- Ma! - Salted caramel.

Right.

- Shel?

- So what do you say, Honey? You wanna run away with me?

Let's get out of here.

- Look, I'm happy to throw you the party,

Nonna, but I can't keep having this conversation.

You're gonna make me start smoking again.

- How 'bout a Vegas theme?

- The party already has a theme.

It's your birthday. That's the theme.

- But... - I know it's your party,

but it's my ass on the line here, Nonna.

Under the Sea won't cut it! What is this, a bar mitzvah?

Hey, Nonna.

Okay, Nonna. Don't cry, Nonna.

You want a theme? I'll give you a theme.

- Tell me! Tell me!

- Dust off your coconut bra. We're having a luau.

- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.