Original subtitles

- So, my mom, my dad,

and my Randy are gonna end joint custody

and let a meaty gator decide who gets me!

- Hm.

- Do you mean mediator?

And if so, they tend to be human.

- Oh, that's a relief.

- If Clooney ever kicks Amal to the curb,

I know who I'd get to live with.

I mean, Georgie boy

literally built a Max statue in his backyard

and commissioned Dave Matthews to write a song about me.

- At least I think it was about me.

If you're done bragging, I have a share.

Turns out Ella B wanted to take me home from school

so Sophie R didn't get me.

Classic Ella B.

- You know Ella B?

- She's the youngest human in my household.

Nibbles has joined the Bronson menagerie

and we are cohabitating.

- Shel? - Nibbles?

- You never told us you live with other animals.

- Look, I come here to talk about me.

- Oh, there are other animals!

I'm stuck in the basement between a snake

and a mouse that won't shut up!

- Let's set some ground rules right up top. No secrets.

I'm gonna share everything that comes into my head.

You share everything that comes into yours.

I know what you're thinking.

You're gonna get a lot of cheese talk.

But guess what? I'm also a student of history.

Did you know during the crusades,

they would age cheese in the skulls of heretics?

- Ah, cheese.

My uncle once dated a wheel of parmesan.

Of course, after their wedding night,

she looked more like Swiss.

- Breakfast! M-larf, m-larf, m-larf, m-larf.

Chief, is it, um, is it possible, um...

cool if it's not... um, for you to eat without m-larf-ing?

- Are you looking for a more traditional num-num?

Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num...

- You know what? I'm gonna save my breakfast for lunch.

- Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.

- Looking for moi?

- Oh, hi. No, I was just... no, I was looking for my, um,

this, um, pinecone!

Found it!

- Come on.

I watch you every day scanning the trees...

- Ants! Ah.

So you, uh, watch me every day?

- Not in a creepy way.

More of a sniff-where-you- just-peed kinda way.

- Aw.

Stupid ants.

- My pack is moving to Altadena.

I want you to come with.

- What? We barely know each other.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me give you my butt backstory.

- Dude!

- Merry Christmas, kid.

- Whoa. That is wild.

- You deserve more than this humdrum suburban existence.

- Oh, it's not all humdrum. Take a whiff.

So, you know, I can get crazy, too.

Although I've only poked a bear metaphorically.

- Run away with me, Honey.

Let me show you what's behind those trees.

I mean, it's mostly more trees. But behind those...

- Okay.

I mean, okay, no. I can't run away with you.

I... becau... you're kidding. And I took you seriously.

But wait, are you serious?

- I am serious, Honey. - How do you know my name?

- Honey! Honey!

I got into it with the trashcan again.

- Altadena.

- Num, num, num.

- Ugh!

Look at the story my body tell.

I was replaced by a new kitten, ran away,

was traumatized at a cat cafe,

and now I am here with greasy coat.

Which reminds me, Gray One,

I never thank you for taking me in.

- Oh, that was the thank you.

- I'll kill you!

- What the hell, Hates The Gray One One?

- Now we are even.

Look.

Is that... - Max?

- Well, Nibbles,

you're certainly looking more rested today.

- Because I finally got a decent night's sleep!

When I got back home yesterday,

Lenny wasn't inside his cage.

He was inside the snake!

Poor bastard kept talking about food,

never realizing he was food.

What?

- Oh, no, nothing.

You're just a monster.

But that's why we're here. Honey, do your stuff.

- Is it possible you're using humor to deflect?

- Oh yeah, that... that is what I'm doing.

I really loved Lenny and I wish he wasn't dead.

- Okay.

I feel like I should be reporting this

but I don't know to whom.

So Diablo, how did your mediation go?

- Terrible.

The mediator decided

I should choose which parent to live with,

so he's gonna put me in between the two of them

and see who I go to.

- Ugh. Alligators.

- I mean, there's no rules at my dad's house.

It's a non-stop party.

And even though my mom's got tons of rules,

I find her boundaries and routine strangely reassuring.

- Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough.

And yet, I still think the choice is pretty obvious.

On the one paw, sure,

you've got a fun, care-free existence

where you can take off your collar,

dance naked in the moonlight

and give in to your carnal desires

exploring the feral passion, raw...

- Uh, I'm uncomfortable

and would like to get to the other paw.

- On the other paw, you have structure, stability,

and the knowledge that happiness comes from within,

not Altadena.

- Sorry we're late.

But check out what we found at our house.

- Wait a minute. "Our" house? What's going...

Tabitha's living with The Gray One?

- Ooh! Fun. I'd watch that show!

- Oh, this is rich!

First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter and now this?

- Are you done?

- I haven't seen a tumble this bad since JLaw ate it

when I tripped her at the Oscars.

- Easy, Tabs.

- Remember the no claws clause.

- Hey, nice spread.

Me and Georgie are lookin' snazzy.

Oh, my God.

It says you died.

- What? Get outta here.

- I live in a third grade classroom most of the year.

R.I.P. stands for "Really Is Dead."

The P is silent.

- What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm obviously alive.

I'm sitting here talking to you guys.

Right? Right?

- Either that or you're a ghost.

Ow!

- Not a ghost.

- Maybe we are victims of long con.

He might be an imposter.

- An impigster, if you will.

- Oh, I definitely will!

- An imposter? Please.

I live in George Clooney's mansion.

And, sure, George spends most of his time in England lately,

but we've had lots of great times together.

We've had chicken fights with Tobey Mags!

We drank out of the Stanley Cup.

We even went to a celebrity roast of my Uncle Charlie!

This must be some sort of prank.

- Prove it. - Well, prank or not,

this really seems like it's bringing up

some emotions for you.

Whoever you are.

- And coming up on the right,

you'll see an autographed poster for "Ocean's Twelve."

CZ Jones is my godmother.

And here we have the Hall of Fame.

- Hmm. Something in this picture is not right.

- What are you talking about?

- Wait, what's that? Right there on his leg?

Is that a...

that's a birthmark! You don't have that.

- It's the same with all of them.

Look. Birthmark. Birthmark. Birthmark!

- But... but I remember being all these places.

- Do you remember any parties besides these?

- Of course!

I mean,

I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina's birthday party!

- Buddy.

- I... I dont... I don't...

Holy hell.

I want to be alone! Please!

- Maybe we should follow him?

- Come, I want to scratch my back on People Choice Award.

- Oh, God! Oh, God!

Is my whole life a lie? This can't be happening!

Wait a second. This isn't a statue.

This is a tombstone. R.I.P.

I really is dead.

Who am I?

- Do you hear that wailing? I think that's Max.

- He doesn't sound sure. - Tabs, come on.

I know he's not your favorite pig,

but we should probably go check on him.

- Or, you could join me in the...

- Huh. What does this button do?

- It is nice, right? - Whoa.

So relaxing.

What?

- It's all about leverage. You got this, Peanut!

- Oh, hey, Honey. - Diablo? Is that you?

- In the fur.

- Doesn't your mom send you

to obedience school in the afternoon?

- Not anymore because I. Chose. My. Dad.

And he no longer has to compromise on my look.

- What? - That's right.

And I am having the time of my life!

Yep, I barked at a tree all night,

I humped a loaf of bread,

and I can eat candy whenever I want.

No momma to check my poo-poo!

Twix?

- No, thank you.

I can't eat chocolate.

And neither should you.

No dog should.

- And, Honey, I owe it all to you.

- What? No. No, no.

I said you should choose stability.

- Wow, then we totally got our signals crossed.

Well, I'm gonna take this mushy tushy

and see what we can score at the ice cream truck.

- Nice and quiet. Time for a nap.

- Hello?

- Lenny?

Impossible. Lenny's dead.

- I know you think I'm dead because Sprinkles ate me.

But I can assure you,

due to the snake's agonizingly slow digestive process,

I am very much alive.

- Okay. Well then, um, if you could keep it down.

- What? Are you kidding me? You gotta get me outta here!

- Whether Lenny lives or dies is entirely up to you.

- God? - Excuse me.

No. It's just your ol' pal, Shel...

Chomping on a discarded ice cream cone

reminding you that you talked a big game

about wanting to save Lenny in group this morning.

And now you have the chance to bring him back!

Character is what you do when nobody is watching.

- You're watching! - Touché.

It's also what you do when somebody is watching.

- And you're not gonna shut up unless I try, huh?

- Nope.

And, as I'm sure you've heard around the garden,

I've got stamina.

- Everything smells like vomit in here,

which is making me want to vomit.

Now I'm vomiting. Inside a snake.

It's a hellscape.

- Ugh.

I can't believe it.

I'm Max, but I'm not the Max.

- So you finally figured it out.

- Who are you?

- Doug Ross. Doctor Doug Ross.

- How did you get in here?

- Well, my human jumped the fence

and I was along for the ride.

She's Clooney's biggest stalker.

She's in the mansion right now.

- I didn't know George had cats.

Am I slipping?

- Oh! You're with Marybeth. She's a nice lady.

- Aw, chins up, kid, it's not that bad.

You were a gift.

When the original Max passed away,

Clooney was heartbroken,

so Don Cheadle gave you to Clooney as a replacement.

- So all my memories aren't really mine?

But my sky-high self-esteem came from me

believing I was better than everyone else.

You know, because I was a celebrity.

And now, I'm just a stand-in.

- Oh hey, if it's any consolation,

Marybeth is plotting to kidnap you.

- And then Diablo just m-larf-ed a snow cone

right out of a toddler's hand

and all his human dad said was, "That's mah boy."

- Oh-ho. Legend.

- No, no, no, Chief. Not legend.

Reckless and irresponsible.

- Was his tail wagging? - Oh, like Jill's hips

when she listens to up-tempo Indigo Girls.

- Well, that means he's happy!

There ain't nothing wrong with that.

- Um, no, no, no, no.

Tail-wagging is actually way more nuanced than that.

For example, if a tail wags to the left, it indicates concern.

If it wags to the right, it indicates curiosity.

Either way, Diablo's eventually going to have to pay the piper.

- So? People pay pipers all the time.

I mean, how else do pipers stay in business?

Look, I think I know what's really goin' on here.

You're jealous of Diablo. You want what he's got.

Oh, no.

No, I don't have the face for sunglasses.

- No, I mean, quit being so tame.

Live in the moment.

Eat a Q-tip once in a while,

nap on a table, steal Jill's Invisalign.

But if that's what you're into, you are gonna have to wait.

- There he is.

How you doin', big guy?

- Honestly, this is the worst day of my life.

Party's over, Dave. Go home.

- Aw.

- Poor pig. - He is down.

Now I can destroy him.

- What? - What? He is joker.

Now it's Tabitha's turn to make the mean ha-ha.

- You know, Tabitha?

Under all that beautiful fur, you're a real ugly cat.

- Uh, excuse me,

have you seen a naked woman with a "Syriana" tote bag?

- In the kitchen. Licking all the fruit.

- I hope you're happy.

You left the house without me this morning

and your lady chose me as "cat of the day."

- When I was kitten, I wanted to be a scientist.

- Couldn't happen to a nicer cat.

- Well, it looks like everyone is here.

Well, except Diablo, who's probably enjoying

a chocolate-covered chicken bone in a motorcycle sidecar.

- You know who else is enjoying himself? Lenny!

- Lenny is still alive? - I saved him.

- Only after I Jiminy Cricketed her.

- See, I learned from my third grade class

that reptiles can only digest stuff in a warm environment.

If it's cold, they'll throw up,

so I needed to make it freezing.

To get to the thermostat,

I jumped onto an old trampoline.

- Did you just miss the trampoline?

- Then I decided to break the thermostat

by throwing a golf ball at it.

- Sounds like a golf ball just hit you in the face.

Classic.

- I love slapstick.

- Is that Shel? Hey, Shel! - Hey, Lenny!

- And I eventually made things cold.

- Sprinkles puked and out flew Lenny.

- Stuck the landing!

- It's all true.

Young lady, you should be very proud of yourself.

- Thanks a lot, Shel.

- Well,

let's not fall completely in love with ourselves.

- Ew, ew! What is that? - It's Lenny!

Oh, yeah. He follows me everywhere now

because he's half-digested

and needs someone to help him blink.

That's the stuff.

- Ugh.

- All right, I'll bring it up

since everyone else is obviously afraid to.

Turns out I'm not the one and only Max.

I'm his replacement.

- What? - There are two Maxes?

- Ah, you're a replacement pet just like Bubbles.

- What? - Yep.

So if anyone wants to make jokes, the floor is open.

Tabs, I know you must be chompin' at the bit.

- Um... - Really? Nothing?

Ah, let me help get you started.

Anyone order some imitation bacon?

Or how about... - Okay!

At least you still got your owner's attention.

Trust me, Max, it's way better to be replacement pet

than one who is replaced.

- Yeah.

And think about how much you must've cost Don Cheadle,

traveling the world

trying to find a dead ringer for the original Max.

I mean, you're probably the most expensive pig in history.

- Thanks, guys. I'm feelin' better than you again already.

- I don't think we should measure our worth in money.

- Spoken like a true rescue.

- Whoo! Sorry I'm late!

I was at the vet's. I had to get my stomach pumped.

- A-ha! I was right!

Which brings me no joy.

- But still, totally worth it!

I'd eat that tube of Preppy H all over again.

- What? So you've learned nothing from this?

- Oh, I learned something.

I learned that rules are made by humans

who just want to keep their vet bills low

and their carpets clean!

But guess what? We're animals, y'all!

If it feels good, do it. If it feels bad, do it again.

Dance party! Elsa, break it down!

- Why am I panting?

- Max, enjoy the view.

- Feels good to be half-alive! Dance me, Nibbles!

- Huh.

- I don't know. Are bell-bottoms really me?

- Okay, Honey. Let's go wild.

- You ready? - No.

No, I'm not.

Ah. I thought I was, but I'm not an animal.

I mean, I'm an... I am an animal,

but I'm also a pet.

Obedience and belly rubs are in my DNA.

- I don't understand.

My voice is so deep and seductive.

I mean, I can make anything sound sexy.

Grandparent's Day.

- Ooh.

No, no. Running off with you sounds dangerous and fun,

but my life is here, Armando.

Oh, yeah, I didn't know your name,

so I named you Armando.

- I like it. - Oh, good.

Um, but my life is here, Armando,

with the person and animals I love.

- Armando. - Okay.

But you're lying to yourself.

Says Armando.

- When you were talking about running away with me,

your tail was wagging.

In fact, it's wagging right now.

- Ooh! Ugh!

Okay, well, you know,

tail-wagging's actually way more nuanced than that.

- I know all about tail-wagging.

If a tail wags to the left, it indicates concern.

If it wags to the right...

Curiosity.

- And a tail wagging that fast? That's downright ecstat...

- Stop it! Just leave me alone!

Armando.

All right, you were not very helpful back there.

Ah, don't get cute with me.

That's it, you're going down!

- You can do it, Honey! Vary your speed!

- Thank you for teaching me to be compassionate to fat pig.

- Oh, thank God. That was so close.

- It's you!

Guys!

There's so much popcorn down there! Come on!

- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.