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1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,046
- So, my mom, my dad,
2
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:05,353
and my Randy are
gonna end joint custody
3
00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:08,008
and let a meaty gator
decide who gets me!
4
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:10,097
- Hm.
5
00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:14,536
- Do you mean mediator?
6
00:00:14,579 --> 00:00:16,407
And if so,
they tend to be human.
7
00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:17,756
- Oh, that's a relief.
8
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,758
- If Clooney ever kicks Amal
to the curb,
9
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,847
I know who I'd get to live with.
10
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,240
I mean, Georgie boy
11
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,808
literally built a Max statue
in his backyard
12
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:28,941
and commissioned Dave Matthews
to write a song about me.
13
00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:35,165
- At least
I think it was about me.
14
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:37,472
If you're done bragging,
I have a share.
15
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,648
Turns out Ella B wanted
to take me home from school
16
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,563
so Sophie R didn't get me.
17
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,086
Classic Ella B.
18
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,392
- You know Ella B?
19
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:47,438
- She's the youngest human
in my household.
20
00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:49,962
Nibbles has joined
the Bronson menagerie
21
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:51,790
and we are cohabitating.
22
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:53,575
- Shel?
- Nibbles?
23
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:55,881
- You never told us you
live with other animals.
24
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,928
- Look, I come here
to talk about me.
25
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:01,235
- Oh, there are other animals!
26
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:03,106
I'm stuck in the basement
between a snake
27
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,934
and a mouse that won't shut up!
28
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,502
- Let's set some ground rules
right up top. No secrets.
29
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,199
I'm gonna share everything
that comes into my head.
30
00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:10,809
You share everything
that comes into yours.
31
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:11,984
I know what you're thinking.
32
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,290
You're gonna get
a lot of cheese talk.
33
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,510
But guess what?
I'm also a student of history.
34
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:16,946
Did you know during
the crusades,
35
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,166
they would age cheese
in the skulls of heretics?
36
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,124
- Ah, cheese.
37
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,953
My uncle once dated
a wheel of parmesan.
38
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,955
Of course,
after their wedding night,
39
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:30,177
she looked more like Swiss.
40
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:07,257
- Breakfast!
M-larf, m-larf, m-larf, m-larf.
41
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:11,696
Chief, is it, um,
is it possible, um...
42
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:15,918
cool if it's not... um, for you
to eat without m-larf-ing?
43
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,747
- Are you looking for
a more traditional num-num?
44
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,314
Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num...
45
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:23,186
- You know what? I'm gonna save
my breakfast for lunch.
46
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,145
- Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num.
47
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,416
- Looking for moi?
48
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:41,596
- Oh, hi. No, I was just...
no, I was looking for my, um,
49
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,902
this, um, pinecone!
50
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:45,208
Found it!
51
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,601
- Come on.
52
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:49,081
I watch you every day
scanning the trees...
53
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,432
- Ants!
Ah.
54
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,565
So you, uh, watch me every day?
55
00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:56,219
- Not in a creepy way.
56
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,700
More of a sniff-where-you-
just-peed kinda way.
57
00:02:58,743 --> 00:02:59,962
- Aw.
58
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:02,138
Stupid ants.
59
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:04,880
- My pack is moving to Altadena.
60
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,186
I want you to come with.
61
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,362
- What?
We barely know each other.
62
00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,886
Oh, I'm sorry.
63
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,931
Let me give you
my butt backstory.
64
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,288
- Dude!
65
00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:30,035
- Merry Christmas, kid.
66
00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:33,300
- Whoa.
That is wild.
67
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:37,086
- You deserve more than this
humdrum suburban existence.
68
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:40,307
- Oh, it's not all humdrum.
Take a whiff.
69
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:55,539
So, you know,
I can get crazy, too.
70
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,628
Although I've only poked
a bear metaphorically.
71
00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,456
- Run away with me, Honey.
72
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,632
Let me show you
what's behind those trees.
73
00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:03,982
I mean, it's mostly more trees.
But behind those...
74
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:05,636
- Okay.
75
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,899
I mean, okay, no.
I can't run away with you.
76
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:10,467
I... becau... you're kidding.
And I took you seriously.
77
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,035
But wait, are you serious?
78
00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:15,603
- I am serious, Honey.
- How do you know my name?
79
00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,475
- Honey!
Honey!
80
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:22,262
I got into it
with the trashcan again.
81
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,264
- Altadena.
82
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,006
- Num, num, num.
83
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,448
- Ugh!
84
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,319
Look at the story my body tell.
85
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,626
I was replaced by a new kitten,
ran away,
86
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,584
was traumatized at a cat cafe,
87
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,673
and now I am here
with greasy coat.
88
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:43,892
Which reminds me, Gray One,
89
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:47,112
I never thank you
for taking me in.
90
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,336
- Oh, that was the thank you.
91
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,033
- I'll kill you!
92
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:56,861
- What the hell,
Hates The Gray One One?
93
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,824
- Now we are even.
94
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,216
Look.
95
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:07,045
Is that...
- Max?
96
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,005
- Well, Nibbles,
97
00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:11,659
you're certainly
looking more rested today.
98
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:15,140
- Because I finally got
a decent night's sleep!
99
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,838
When I got back home yesterday,
100
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,449
Lenny wasn't inside his cage.
101
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,843
He was inside the snake!
102
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,324
Poor bastard kept talking
about food,
103
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:26,891
never realizing he was food.
104
00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:33,594
What?
105
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:34,638
- Oh, no, nothing.
106
00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,118
You're just a monster.
107
00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:37,902
But that's why we're here.
Honey, do your stuff.
108
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:42,080
- Is it possible you're
using humor to deflect?
109
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:45,083
- Oh yeah, that...
that is what I'm doing.
110
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:49,174
I really loved Lenny
and I wish he wasn't dead.
111
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,481
- Okay.
112
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:53,004
I feel like
I should be reporting this
113
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,397
but I don't know to whom.
114
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,139
So Diablo,
how did your mediation go?
115
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,183
- Terrible.
116
00:05:58,227 --> 00:05:59,489
The mediator decided
117
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:01,404
I should choose which parent
to live with,
118
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:03,101
so he's gonna put me
in between the two of them
119
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,189
and see who I go to.
120
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:05,669
- Ugh.
Alligators.
121
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:07,367
- I mean, there's no rules
at my dad's house.
122
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,020
It's a non-stop party.
123
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,805
And even though my mom's
got tons of rules,
124
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,590
I find her boundaries and
routine strangely reassuring.
125
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,984
- Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough.
126
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:18,465
And yet, I still think the
choice is pretty obvious.
127
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,118
On the one paw, sure,
128
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:22,730
you've got a fun,
care-free existence
129
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,949
where you can take off
your collar,
130
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:26,734
dance naked in the moonlight
131
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:29,476
and give in
to your carnal desires
132
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:33,175
exploring the
feral passion, raw...
133
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,742
- Uh, I'm uncomfortable
134
00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:37,832
and would like
to get to the other paw.
135
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:41,618
- On the other paw,
you have structure, stability,
136
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:45,274
and the knowledge that
happiness comes from within,
137
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,884
not Altadena.
138
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,365
- Sorry we're late.
139
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,934
But check out what we found
at our house.
140
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,545
- Wait a minute. "Our" house?
What's going...
141
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:57,634
Tabitha's living
with The Gray One?
142
00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,506
- Ooh! Fun.
I'd watch that show!
143
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:01,290
- Oh, this is rich!
144
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,597
First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter
and now this?
145
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,294
- Are you done?
146
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,296
- I haven't seen a tumble
this bad since JLaw ate it
147
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:08,558
when I tripped her
at the Oscars.
148
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,995
- Easy, Tabs.
149
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,562
- Remember the no claws clause.
150
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:13,737
- Hey, nice spread.
151
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,870
Me and Georgie
are lookin' snazzy.
152
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:18,220
Oh, my God.
153
00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:20,091
It says you died.
154
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:21,832
- What?
Get outta here.
155
00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:24,139
- I live in a third grade
classroom most of the year.
156
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:27,490
R.I.P. stands
for "Really Is Dead."
157
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,926
The P is silent.
158
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,754
- What?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
159
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,582
I mean, I'm obviously alive.
160
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,845
I'm sitting here talking
to you guys.
161
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:37,195
Right?
Right?
162
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,936
- Either that or you're a ghost.
163
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:39,894
Ow!
164
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,156
- Not a ghost.
165
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:43,158
- Maybe we are victims
of long con.
166
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,768
He might be an imposter.
167
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,640
- An impigster, if you will.
168
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,816
- Oh, I definitely will!
169
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,644
- An imposter?
Please.
170
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:52,950
I live in George Clooney's
mansion.
171
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,605
And, sure, George spends most
of his time in England lately,
172
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,694
but we've had lots
of great times together.
173
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,957
We've had chicken fights
with Tobey Mags!
174
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,872
We drank out of the Stanley Cup.
175
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:04,701
We even went to a celebrity
roast of my Uncle Charlie!
176
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,877
This must be some sort of prank.
177
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,053
- Prove it.
- Well, prank or not,
178
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:10,794
this really seems like
it's bringing up
179
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,361
some emotions for you.
180
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:14,276
Whoever you are.
181
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,060
- And coming up on the right,
182
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:18,802
you'll see an autographed
poster for "Ocean's Twelve."
183
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:21,283
CZ Jones is my godmother.
184
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:24,504
And here we have
the Hall of Fame.
185
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:28,072
- Hmm. Something
in this picture is not right.
186
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,552
- What are you talking about?
187
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:32,207
- Wait, what's that?
Right there on his leg?
188
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,643
Is that a...
189
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:36,385
that's a birthmark!
You don't have that.
190
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:37,865
- It's the same
with all of them.
191
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:41,869
Look. Birthmark.
Birthmark. Birthmark!
192
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,959
- But... but I remember being
all these places.
193
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:48,397
- Do you remember any parties
besides these?
194
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,572
- Of course!
195
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:51,095
I mean,
196
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:52,923
I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's
vagina's birthday party!
197
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,011
- Buddy.
198
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,885
- I... I dont... I don't...
199
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,673
Holy hell.
200
00:09:04,848 --> 00:09:07,677
I want to be alone!
Please!
201
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,592
- Maybe we should follow him?
202
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:12,073
- Come, I want to scratch
my back on People Choice Award.
203
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,907
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
204
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:24,433
Is my whole life a lie?
This can't be happening!
205
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:27,044
Wait a second.
This isn't a statue.
206
00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:31,179
This is a tombstone.
R.I.P.
207
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:34,443
I really is dead.
208
00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:37,968
Who am I?
209
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:41,058
- Do you hear that wailing?
I think that's Max.
210
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:44,105
- He doesn't sound sure.
- Tabs, come on.
211
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,802
I know he's not
your favorite pig,
212
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,022
but we should probably
go check on him.
213
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,632
- Or, you could join me
in the...
214
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:54,419
- Huh.
What does this button do?
215
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:57,118
- It is nice, right?
- Whoa.
216
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,859
So relaxing.
217
00:09:58,902 --> 00:09:59,903
What?
218
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,431
- It's all about leverage.
You got this, Peanut!
219
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:09,130
- Oh, hey, Honey.
- Diablo? Is that you?
220
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:11,219
- In the fur.
221
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,437
- Doesn't your mom send you
222
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,439
to obedience school
in the afternoon?
223
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,834
- Not anymore because
I. Chose. My. Dad.
224
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:21,098
And he no longer
has to compromise on my look.
225
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,534
- What?
- That's right.
226
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:24,928
And I am having the time
of my life!
227
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,800
Yep, I barked at a tree
all night,
228
00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:28,540
I humped a loaf of bread,
229
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,673
and I can eat candy
whenever I want.
230
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,849
No momma to check my poo-poo!
231
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:33,894
Twix?
232
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:34,938
- No, thank you.
233
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,331
I can't eat chocolate.
234
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,202
And neither should you.
235
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,856
No dog should.
236
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,467
- And, Honey,
I owe it all to you.
237
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:43,773
- What? No.
No, no.
238
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,514
I said you should
choose stability.
239
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,864
- Wow, then we totally got
our signals crossed.
240
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,912
Well, I'm gonna take
this mushy tushy
241
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,654
and see what we can score
at the ice cream truck.
242
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:03,227
- Nice and quiet.
Time for a nap.
243
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,707
- Hello?
244
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,448
- Lenny?
245
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,450
Impossible.
Lenny's dead.
246
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,844
- I know you think I'm dead
because Sprinkles ate me.
247
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,497
But I can assure you,
248
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,935
due to the snake's agonizingly
slow digestive process,
249
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,024
I am very much alive.
250
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:20,810
- Okay. Well then, um,
if you could keep it down.
251
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:23,204
- What? Are you kidding me?
You gotta get me outta here!
252
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:27,382
- Whether Lenny lives or dies
is entirely up to you.
253
00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,906
- God?
- Excuse me.
254
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,821
No.
It's just your ol' pal, Shel...
255
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,912
Chomping on a discarded
ice cream cone
256
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:38,393
reminding you that
you talked a big game
257
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:41,222
about wanting to save Lenny
in group this morning.
258
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:44,442
And now you have the chance
to bring him back!
259
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:47,750
Character is what you do
when nobody is watching.
260
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,971
- You're watching!
- Touché.
261
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:54,757
It's also what you do
when somebody is watching.
262
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,759
- And you're not gonna shut up
unless I try, huh?
263
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:58,282
- Nope.
264
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,589
And, as I'm sure you've heard
around the garden,
265
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,417
I've got stamina.
266
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,071
- Everything smells like vomit
in here,
267
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:06,029
which is making me want
to vomit.
268
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:09,598
Now I'm vomiting.
Inside a snake.
269
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:10,642
It's a hellscape.
270
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,166
- Ugh.
271
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:13,994
I can't believe it.
272
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:17,214
I'm Max, but I'm not the Max.
273
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:19,695
- So you finally figured it out.
274
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,349
- Who are you?
275
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:23,525
- Doug Ross.
Doctor Doug Ross.
276
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:25,005
- How did you get in here?
277
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,615
- Well,
my human jumped the fence
278
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,182
and I was along for the ride.
279
00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:30,140
She's Clooney's biggest stalker.
280
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,402
She's in the mansion right now.
281
00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:34,144
- I didn't know George had cats.
282
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:36,451
Am I slipping?
283
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,584
- Oh! You're with Marybeth.
She's a nice lady.
284
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:41,412
- Aw, chins up, kid,
it's not that bad.
285
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,674
You were a gift.
286
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,372
When the original Max
passed away,
287
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,026
Clooney was heartbroken,
288
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:49,072
so Don Cheadle gave you
to Clooney as a replacement.
289
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,683
- So all my memories
aren't really mine?
290
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:54,164
But my sky-high self-esteem
came from me
291
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:56,427
believing I was better
than everyone else.
292
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:58,255
You know,
because I was a celebrity.
293
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:01,911
And now, I'm just a stand-in.
294
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,000
- Oh hey,
if it's any consolation,
295
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:05,828
Marybeth is plotting
to kidnap you.
296
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,311
- And then Diablo
just m-larf-ed a snow cone
297
00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,139
right out of a toddler's hand
298
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:15,751
and all his human dad said was,
"That's mah boy."
299
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,405
- Oh-ho.
Legend.
300
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,363
- No, no, no, Chief.
Not legend.
301
00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,061
Reckless and irresponsible.
302
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,454
- Was his tail wagging?
- Oh, like Jill's hips
303
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,674
when she listens
to up-tempo Indigo Girls.
304
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,502
- Well, that means he's happy!
305
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:28,764
There ain't nothing
wrong with that.
306
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,853
- Um, no, no, no, no.
307
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:34,204
Tail-wagging is actually way
more nuanced than that.
308
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:37,860
For example, if a tail wags to
the left, it indicates concern.
309
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:40,863
If it wags to the right,
it indicates curiosity.
310
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:44,171
Either way, Diablo's eventually
going to have to pay the piper.
311
00:13:44,214 --> 00:13:47,304
- So?
People pay pipers all the time.
312
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:49,741
I mean, how else
do pipers stay in business?
313
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:53,745
Look, I think I know
what's really goin' on here.
314
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:59,577
You're jealous of Diablo.
You want what he's got.
315
00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:01,710
Oh, no.
316
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,408
No, I don't have the face
for sunglasses.
317
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,715
- No, I mean,
quit being so tame.
318
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:07,803
Live in the moment.
319
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,413
Eat a Q-tip once in a while,
320
00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:12,590
nap on a table,
steal Jill's Invisalign.
321
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:15,463
But if that's what you're into,
you are gonna have to wait.
322
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,273
- There he is.
323
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:44,753
How you doin', big guy?
324
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:48,409
- Honestly, this
is the worst day of my life.
325
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,718
Party's over, Dave.
Go home.
326
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:54,937
- Aw.
327
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,200
- Poor pig.
- He is down.
328
00:14:57,244 --> 00:14:58,854
Now I can destroy him.
329
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,682
- What?
- What? He is joker.
330
00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,989
Now it's Tabitha's turn
to make the mean ha-ha.
331
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,599
- You know, Tabitha?
332
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:09,430
Under all that beautiful fur,
you're a real ugly cat.
333
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,433
- Uh, excuse me,
334
00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:14,739
have you seen a naked woman
with a "Syriana" tote bag?
335
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,785
- In the kitchen.
Licking all the fruit.
336
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:26,360
- I hope you're happy.
337
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,101
You left the house without me
this morning
338
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:31,408
and your lady chose me
as "cat of the day."
339
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:39,808
- When I was kitten,
I wanted to be a scientist.
340
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,071
- Couldn't happen
to a nicer cat.
341
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:43,986
- Well, it looks like
everyone is here.
342
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,206
Well, except Diablo,
who's probably enjoying
343
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:49,165
a chocolate-covered chicken
bone in a motorcycle sidecar.
344
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,863
- You know who else
is enjoying himself? Lenny!
345
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:54,431
- Lenny is still alive?
- I saved him.
346
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:57,521
- Only after
I Jiminy Cricketed her.
347
00:15:57,565 --> 00:16:00,481
- See, I learned
from my third grade class
348
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,875
that reptiles can only digest
stuff in a warm environment.
349
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:05,486
If it's cold, they'll throw up,
350
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,488
so I needed to make it freezing.
351
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:08,880
To get to the thermostat,
352
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,970
I jumped onto an old trampoline.
353
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,275
- Did you just miss
the trampoline?
354
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,975
- Then I decided
to break the thermostat
355
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,454
by throwing a golf ball at it.
356
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:21,632
- Sounds like a golf ball
just hit you in the face.
357
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:22,590
Classic.
358
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,206
- I love slapstick.
359
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:33,166
- Is that Shel? Hey, Shel!
- Hey, Lenny!
360
00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:38,301
- And I eventually
made things cold.
361
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,785
- Sprinkles puked
and out flew Lenny.
362
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:44,960
- Stuck the landing!
363
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,355
- It's all true.
364
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:51,662
Young lady, you should be
very proud of yourself.
365
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:52,750
- Thanks a lot, Shel.
366
00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,230
- Well,
367
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:55,840
let's not fall completely
in love with ourselves.
368
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:58,234
- Ew, ew! What is that?
- It's Lenny!
369
00:16:58,278 --> 00:16:59,931
Oh, yeah.
He follows me everywhere now
370
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,455
because he's half-digested
371
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,283
and needs someone
to help him blink.
372
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,374
That's the stuff.
373
00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:08,505
- Ugh.
374
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:09,898
- All right, I'll bring it up
375
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,856
since everyone else
is obviously afraid to.
376
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,337
Turns out I'm not the one
and only Max.
377
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,730
I'm his replacement.
378
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:17,645
- What?
- There are two Maxes?
379
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:20,169
- Ah, you're a replacement pet
just like Bubbles.
380
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:21,736
- What?
- Yep.
381
00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:24,391
So if anyone wants to
make jokes, the floor is open.
382
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:27,655
Tabs, I know you must
be chompin' at the bit.
383
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,136
- Um...
- Really? Nothing?
384
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,615
Ah, let me help get you started.
385
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,878
Anyone order some imitation
bacon?
386
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:35,315
Or how about...
- Okay!
387
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,056
At least you still got
your owner's attention.
388
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,362
Trust me, Max, it's way better
to be replacement pet
389
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:41,712
than one who is replaced.
390
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,279
- Yeah.
391
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:45,194
And think about how much you
must've cost Don Cheadle,
392
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:46,761
traveling the world
393
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,198
trying to find a dead ringer
for the original Max.
394
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:53,681
I mean, you're probably the
most expensive pig in history.
395
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:56,988
- Thanks, guys. I'm feelin'
better than you again already.
396
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,078
- I don't think we should
measure our worth in money.
397
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:00,731
- Spoken like a true rescue.
398
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:02,298
- Whoo!
Sorry I'm late!
399
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:04,387
I was at the vet's.
I had to get my stomach pumped.
400
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:07,347
- A-ha!
I was right!
401
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,739
Which brings me no joy.
402
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,654
- But still, totally worth it!
403
00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:13,657
I'd eat that tube of Preppy H
all over again.
404
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,703
- What? So you've learned
nothing from this?
405
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,226
- Oh, I learned something.
406
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:19,315
I learned that
rules are made by humans
407
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,056
who just want
to keep their vet bills low
408
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,797
and their carpets clean!
409
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,278
But guess what?
We're animals, y'all!
410
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:28,890
If it feels good, do it.
If it feels bad, do it again.
411
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:32,241
Dance party!
Elsa, break it down!
412
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,895
- Why am I panting?
413
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,549
- Max, enjoy the view.
414
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:42,295
- Feels good to be half-alive!
Dance me, Nibbles!
415
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:43,339
- Huh.
416
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:54,524
- I don't know.
Are bell-bottoms really me?
417
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:02,053
- Okay, Honey.
Let's go wild.
418
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:22,073
- You ready?
- No.
419
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,684
No, I'm not.
420
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:26,817
Ah. I thought I was,
but I'm not an animal.
421
00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:28,645
I mean, I'm an...
I am an animal,
422
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,908
but I'm also a pet.
423
00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:34,477
Obedience and belly rubs
are in my DNA.
424
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,218
- I don't understand.
425
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,220
My voice is so deep
and seductive.
426
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,396
I mean, I can make
anything sound sexy.
427
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,702
Grandparent's Day.
428
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,269
- Ooh.
429
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:47,316
No, no. Running off with you
sounds dangerous and fun,
430
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,450
but my life is here, Armando.
431
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:51,973
Oh, yeah,
I didn't know your name,
432
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:53,453
so I named you Armando.
433
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:56,282
- I like it.
- Oh, good.
434
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:59,763
Um, but my life is here,
Armando,
435
00:19:59,807 --> 00:20:02,288
with the person
and animals I love.
436
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,507
- Armando.
- Okay.
437
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,161
But you're lying to yourself.
438
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,684
Says Armando.
439
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,556
- When you were talking about
running away with me,
440
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:10,861
your tail was wagging.
441
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:13,473
In fact, it's wagging right now.
442
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,735
- Ooh!
Ugh!
443
00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,519
Okay, well, you know,
444
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,740
tail-wagging's actually
way more nuanced than that.
445
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,829
- I know all about tail-wagging.
446
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:24,919
If a tail wags to the left,
it indicates concern.
447
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,616
If it wags to the right...
448
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,270
Curiosity.
449
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:32,056
- And a tail wagging that fast?
That's downright ecstat...
450
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,711
- Stop it!
Just leave me alone!
451
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:36,322
Armando.
452
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:45,026
All right, you were not
very helpful back there.
453
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:46,723
Ah, don't get cute with me.
454
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,508
That's it, you're going down!
455
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,207
- You can do it, Honey!
Vary your speed!
456
00:20:57,081 --> 00:21:00,824
- Thank you for teaching me
to be compassionate to fat pig.
457
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,183
- Oh, thank God.
That was so close.
458
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:17,363
- It's you!
459
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:23,369
Guys!
460
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:26,720
There's so much popcorn
down there! Come on!
461
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:36,295
- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.
31810
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