Original subtitles

[Male singer] ♪ MTV ♪

[Sway] Hey, what's up, world? Welcome to Sway's Universe.

And happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you.

And that banger I just played is called

[Both] Never Cared about Christmas

--by the one and only Justina Valentine.

I got the queen with me right here.

JV, what's poppin' with you?

Sway, what's poppin'? First of all, thank you for having me.

And second of all, is it hot in here,

or is that just my new record?

Oh, that's definitely your new joint that's

heatin' up the charts, but I gotta ask you about that title.

Never Cared About Christmas . 'Cause how the family feel?

They kick you off that group chat yet?

They're on my phone plan, so that wouldn't be

-a good move, Sway. -Right? But are you gonna

see them today?

I'm running around so much today.

I'll be lucky if somebody saves me a damn turkey leg.

Dang, so you don't get no days off?

Well, you can't shine if you don't rhyme.

I gotta get that bread, cheese and lettuce.

Make me a little money sandwich.

Ooh, you've got the number one song.

-Cha-ching. -You got the sold-out tour.

You got the number one trend on TikTok.

-Viral. -You are the hardest-working

woman in show business.

Gas me up 'cause I ain't a Tesla.

I still wanna ask you seriously, do you ever do anything special

around the holidays?

Well, my family's Italian, so our big thing is a

Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve.

-Seven fishes? -Picture this...

A full spread of seven fishes prepared with love

by the olive oil-soaked hands of Nonna.

We all get together,

and the only thing bigger than the appetites

are our personalities, all right? Memories of me,

fights break out, and I can always depend on Nonno to fall

-asleep at the dinner table. -Nonno falls asleep?

-Knocked, every time. -Can I get an invite?

You spin my joint four more times today, you get first crack

at the lobster tails.

If somebody cracks a tail before you,

I'm gonna crack them. You know what I'm talkin' about?

-Okay, bada bing. -Bada boom.

All right.

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather it was July ♪

♪ Always looked at Kris Kringle ♪

♪ As just another creepy guy ♪

♪ Too much holiday spirit ♪

♪ Got everybody else stumbling round ♪

Justina! We have a whole day of interviews,

and I really need to prep you.

Sorry. I might've lied a little when I said my family wasn't

pissed I missed Thanksgiving.

[phone ringing] Do not answer that.

How's my favorite network doing on this fine Thanksgiving?

Much better after I heard your interview.

I had a brilliant idea, and picture this--

The Feast of the Seven Fishes, an Italian-American Christmas

story presented by Justina Valentine.

Ha, ha, ha.

I mean, I would love to. I just don't know about bailing on my

family for another holiday.

Bailing on them? Who said anything about bailing on them?

We want the entire la familia.

Everyone wants to see if Nonno can stay awake

throughout dinner. Ha, ha, ha.

What's better than a camera crew catching

a very Valentine Christmas?

♪ How can I fuhgeddabout How can I fuhgeddabout ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

[Justina] Twas the night before Christmas Eve

and all through the crib, everything was a mess.

I had no presents to give.

♪ One scrub, two scrub, three scrub, four ♪

♪ You looking like a janitor that's mopping up the floor ♪

No stockings were hung. It's not that I don't care,

but Christmas crept up on me. I've been busy, I swear.

Y'all are not stars.

♪ I singlehandedly damage thee with philantrophy ♪

♪ Run and tell 'em I got bars ♪

♪ Pretty boy, sissy boy, tummy all bushy ♪

♪ How y'all a boy squad, but still so pussy? ♪

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. Sorry, Iz.

Girl, how long you gonna leave me waitin' out there?

-It's freezin'. -I can tell.

Your headlights are on. My bad. My flight got delayed twice

last night. I just got in. I'm trying to catch up on some Z's.

Well, you need to catch up on this tree.

Izzy, she's my best friend since the third grade.

I couldn't get rid of her if I tried.

And believe me, I have.

-I got this. -Oh, you got this, huh?

Did you hear that, mountain of dirty clothes?

Don't worry. She's got it.

Izzy Marone, she's a ball buster.

Iz, give it a rest, will ya? I've been traveling all month.

Plus it's what? Noon, December 22nd.

The camera crew's not coming til Christmas Eve.

I got two full days to, you know.

What, clean, decorate, cook? Which by the way, you can't.

You didn't buy a single gift.

You know me so well, but I've always said

my presence is the present.

Me and Izzy, it's a love and hate relationship.

I love her, but I hate her mouth.

Well, newsflash. It's 5:00 PM, not noon.

-And it's December 23rd. -December 23rd? Real nice, Iz.

You wasted a whole day with your chattin'.

Now I'm behind schedule.

-You're behind because of me. -Glad you can admit it.

And to make up for it, you're gonna help me prepare

for La Festa de Pecha.

I don't got 79 hours to get your life together.

Please, Iz? You're pretty when you're mad.

Fine. Let's go.

-I love you. -Now.

So I feel like now's i a good time to mention

my family doesn't know about the camera crew.

They're pissed about the song,

and they think I hate Christmas.

So I know you're busy,

but you're never too busy to get busy.

[phone ringing]

-Is that him calling right now? -How do I look?

-You look amazing. -C-O-N-ceited,

my favorite Floridian bird.

You ready to migrate to the tri-state?

Ho, ho, ho, ho. How is my favorite host with the most?

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, Conceited, you're so handsome.

I should really tell you that more often.

But since you always tell me

I have way better bars than you, we good.

All right, look, sweetie. I hope you kept the receipt,

because that doll is clearly broken.

Well, yo, I can't wait to have my first crazy

Italian Christmas.

Well, Con, me and Iz are here working like two little elves

gettin' ready for your big arrival.

Elf? You said you and Izzy,

so that's more like two nutcrackers.

Too bad you ain't got no nuts to crack, ya bird.

I'll see ya tonight?

Are you wearin' the same color as Rudolf's nose?

You're damn right. Ciao.

So Iz in her heels and I in my kicks

headed straight to the mall to snatch up some gifts.

Damn Jus, is there anywhere in the world that isn't

-playing this song right now? -I hope not. Girl, we lit.

Well, at least cover your hair. I don't want you to get

-mauled in this mall. -Okay.

Homophone. It's when two words sound alike, but forget it.

-My mother keeps calling me. -No, Jus. Call her back later.

All right, we don't got time for this.

Oh no!

Justina, congratulations.

Oh my God! The kids are gonna love that.

Let me see this. Hey, do they have any more of these left?

Nah, they're sold out, but I got them in the trunk.

Only you in the trunk. What else you got in the trunk?

-I don't wanna know. -No.

We love you, but we gotta run, all right? This one over here

has literally done nothing yet and is hosting Christmas Eve.

-Hosting? You? -Yeah, hosting.

-You? -It'll be fine, but Renee,

I need some help. Where can I get some balls,

not those type of balls, lights, trees, ornaments, gifts for the

family and a fish, of course, for the Seven Fish Feast

-in the next two hours? -Okay, let me make a phone call.

Go to Sabino. Tell him I sent you. They got you on the fish.

-Don't forget the Baccala. -Okay.

-Get there before 10:00. -10:00? We gotta go, Jus.

Come on. We don't got time for this.

-I love you. -The picture.

-A picture? -Keep everything in these bags.

-We gotta go. -Okay, ready?

-Yeah, that's my bad side. -I'll take it. I've got my

-phone right here. Come on. -With the flash on.

Another one. Another one like Cala said, another one.

I love ya. Buon natale.

Take the doll. Tell your son I said hello.

-He was always here. -Yeah, watch that.

-Is he still married? -Watch that.

All right, I'll watch it. Come on.

[music]

Dat Boi, what are you doing here?

Whatcha mean, what am I doing here?

-What? -I'm here to support.

First of all, Conceited looks mad ugly.

I bought it here. I bought it for my son.

I look damn good, but I am a little thicker than this.

-Baby, I don't know. -Man, anyway-

You know what I've been needing too, that feature?

I got you. Dat Boi, we are living the American dream.

-Justina in Jersey. -Before y'all head out,

-we can take a picture. -Oh yeah, come on. Of course.

-Come on. -Okay, fine. One picture.

-Izzy, come on. -One picture.

-Make me look thick. -You're too antsy.

I'm gettin' rid of her after this Christmas.

And make sure you get my good side.

She's done. Yeah, me too. Get my good side too. Do I look thicc?

-Ooh, thicc. I don't know- -How do I look?

-Amazing. Wow. -All right. I love you, bro.

-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.

I've been doing my squats though.

Don't you think I'm a little thicker than the doll?

-No. -A little bit?

Mm-mm.

[music]

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

♪ What's Santa Claus to Scrooge ♪

Wow. Now this is the best store in the mall. Period.

Woo, woo, it's you! It's really you!

-That's crazy! -All right, all right.

Humble, is it? Listen, we got a lot to get in a little bit of

time, all right? So first off-

Iz, I found the perfect gifts for the entire family.

Dolls of you and Con?

What? Is it too conceited, Humble?

[laughing]

We literally have, like, 11 minutes before Sabino's closes.

Where's your holiday spirit?

Humble, don't worry about her because I got tees.

I got hoodies. I got elves. I've even got hats.

Everything I need. Bada bing bada boom, capiche ?

You are hilarious even in real life, man.

This is nuts.

Yeah, she's a real pisser, all right? So anything else we need?

We have everything but the ornaments.

-How's these? -You have good taste.

Well, I got the job, didn't I?

Uh-huh. Well, look, I feel like

I got more done than an elf in July.

All right, Humble, everything on this rack, bag it, tag it.

And if a Grinch acts up, I will drag it.

You know what? Just do this. I got you.

The hoodies, everything. Get it all.

If you don't cheer up one of these days,

you're gonna get a hernia.

This mamaluke, there's my day one right there.

-And I always got your back. -Like a bra strap.

[Both] Yeah.

Hey Jus, who you gonna call for a ride?

What do you mean ride? You're leaving me?

I gotta get to Sabino's.

Sabino's closes in three minutes.

Now what am I gonna do about food for tomorrow?

-Yo J! -Tonio!

-Yo, you need some help? -Yeah, I gotta get to Sabino's

in two minutes.

Oh my God, they don't call me two-minute man for nothin'.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

Good luck!

-You ready to go? -Andiamo.

Yah!

♪ Gonna go to Sabino's ♪

- ♪ Better go get some-- ♪ -Ooh.

-Girl! -DC, what the hell are you

-doin' out here? -Dang, Justina, I came down here

to get to Sabino's 'cause I heard they had the best fish on

the East Coast, so now I'm about to go to Georgia and dig in it.

Wait, can you hook me up with a recipe or something?

Listen to me. You couldn't cook if Moses came down here and

gave you his hands, okay?

-Now part the sea. Excuse me. -Well, let me at least try one.

Now just because she hang around a lot of Black people,

that don't mean she know how to cook.

Last time I invited Justina over to a barbecue,

I said, you know what, Justina?

I feel like you can hang. Don't you know she brought

some mayonnaise? What the hell we gonna put on some mayonnaise

out here? This is ribs!

You can't try one of these.

You can try some from that-- Oops.

They are closed.

Look like you're in a fishy situation.

No wonder you are so crabby. Guess what? I heard your

-little shrimp coming to town. -Oh Con? Yeah, he is.

Don't care.

-I'll wrestle you for it. -Let go of my Sabino's.

No!

She got her own fish. I don't know why she want my fish for.

Her fish always smellin'.

Girl, you know you don't want these problems.

♪ JV, I'll win the game I score a hat trick ♪

♪ You won't look good in person You a catfish ♪

♪ Listen, Justina You leave me no choice ♪

♪ I still hate your voice ♪

Thank you. Stay wavy!

Don't be actin' like a little fish outta water either.

-I wasn't done! -Doesn't matter! I won!

And stay true, Justina! Don't be a tilapia!

-Ugggghhh! -[DC] Stay safe!

It's hard to catch a cab when you're Black.

[banging on door]

♪ What'd you-- ♪

Justina drink coffee at night. That's why her voice

sound like that.

You still tryin' to get my fish? What's wrong with you, girl?

-Give me the fish! -You get your ass on!

I'm so disappointed in myself, T.

I really wanted to get this right for my family,

especially with the whole world watching.

-I hear you, sis. -Well, let's put our heads

together and figure out how we can get this fish by tomorrow.

Okay.

I didn't mean literally.

[phone ringing]

Shh, this is Con.

C-O-N-ceited.

Okay, there's been a slight delay.

Don't tell me you missed your flight.

No, my flight missed me. Okay, it is their loss.

But Justina, even if I was ready what, what?

You're not even home. Where you at?

I'm just gettin' a couple of last-minute holiday snacks.

Okay, wait, wait. I need you to get hot sauce and, and get some

seasoning 'cause I know there's no seasoning at your house.

And salt and pepper does not count.

Con, I'm Italian.

You're gonna get lost in all this sauce.

-I'll be there in the morning. -Ciao for now.

I gotta pull this off, T. Especially since everybody's

cannolis are in a bunch about the new record.

Available on all streaming platforms now.

-Never Cared About Christmas ? -Yeah.

It doesn't have the best message.

You too? Anyway, let's think. Where can we get this fish

at 10:30 PM on the night before Christmas Eve?

Who's the most powerful Italian we know?

[music]

-Justina? -Vin?

Are you okay? Is Joe Button over there bothering you?

This is Tonio. What are you doing here.

Mr. Sabino just got in from fishing.

He puts aside the freshest of the fresh for me and Aunt Sylvia

for tomorrow night's dinner.

-Only you, Vin. -Merry Christmas, Justina.

How's your mother and Uncle Tony? Everybody good?

Good, good. Everybody's good, Aunt Syl. How you been?

Thank God. God bless. Good, good. Everybody's good.

-That's good. -Justina, what are you

-even doing here? -I came to get fish

for Christmas Eve. I'm hosting my family for the first time

tomorrow night, and they closed before I could get in.

-You're hosting Christmas Eve? -Yeah.

That's one invite I hope gets lost in the mail.

Don't worry, Justina. You and Tony come in with us,

and you pick out your fish.

-Aunt Syl, I couldn't impose. -Impose? Aren't we supposed

to get these fishes?

-Oh, come on. It's the best fish in the world.

He'll even deliver it right to your house.

-If you insist. -Hey, Vinnie.

-Sabino! -Good thing you called.

-I was about to go home. -You're the best.

Hey Aunt Sylvia, how are you doin'? You good? You good?

-Good, good. Everybody's good. -I'm good. You good?

[Both] Everybody's good.

-That's good. -Everybody's good.

That's good, everybody's good.

-Hey Justina, how are ya? -Mr. Sabino, much better now.

I thought I was gonna be fishless for my feast tomorrow.

What are you talkin' about fishless?

I own a store over here.

Hey, don't worry. Come in, place your order.

I'll get the fish to your house in time for dinner.

Your family's gonna think you made it yourself.

And don't worry, I ain't gonna tell nobody, I'm no rat.

Well, that's good, Mr. Sabino 'cause if you tell anyone,

you'll be sleepin' with the fishes.

Hey, Luca Brasi, huh?

Hey, you hear that expression, it fell off the back of a truck?

Well, my fish just fell off the back of a boat.

-Hey! -Ladies first.

Ladies first.

-Whoa, oh, oh, oh. -Oh, my gosh.

Listen J, I gotta get going. I got a new gig to prepare for.

-Ooh, what's the gig? -Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-It's a secret. -Oh, well, listen T, you are

a lifesaver, mostly your car. But you're cool too.

Good luck at the gig. I appreciate you.

-You take care, sis. -How do I get out of here?

That's the paparazzi feature.

It'll get you in and out of the house without being seen.

-Dope. -Is the foyer okay?

-Yeah. -For your convenience.

Who can I call at this hour to help me whip the house

into shape by morning?

[Perez] Pulling into the driveway, team.

I want everybody positioned

to get more angles than an IG model.

Miguel, make sure we're live on every social media.

-Yes sir. -Let's go.

-Hey Justina. -Perez.

Don't mind us. Just here for the exclusive on Con's arrival.

Ah yeah, so about that--

Don't tell me he got Grinch on you when you're about to host

the big, traditional Italian Seven Fish Feast and meet

-your family live on television. -Damn, Perez, you are good.

I just saw you were at the fish market with Vinny and Tonio

and Vinny's aunt, and the photos will be up--

Oh, it's up already.

-And trending! -You don't miss a beat.

It's what I do. So where is he? I wanna post the exclusive

-on Christmas morning. -He's just a little delayed.

How little delayed? I've got Doja Cat and Bad Bunny coming

in on a private jet at JFK. That's top secret.

Don't tell anybody. Miguel. Miguel, NDA.

-Where did he come from? -Just finger sign that.

It's not gonna be long til he gets here, so in the meantime

I know what would be really fun.

-I don't do fun. -You, Miguel come kick it.

Have some eggnog. Maybe do a little bit of decorating.

Then you get the exclusive from inside the house.

What's better than that?

Cut the beat. Abort mission. Let's lead with the Bad Bunny

and Doja Cat backup story.

Perez, I really need your help.

I have to prove to everyone that I do care about Christmas.

I'll sign right now. No lawyers.

Only if I can post it on Instagram and Facebook,

and Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, TikTok, YouTube, Twitch, Pico,

Clubhouse, all live, and no content approval.

Geez. Well, Miguel, get my good side at least. All right. Deal.

Put the beat back on. We're going in.

♪ Everybody wanna be what they see on the TV ♪

♪ Level up like they see-see ♪

♪ Tell me, do you love me ki-ki-ki-ki ♪

♪ The new drug is attention me, me, me, me--ow ♪

[birds chirping]

[twinkling]

[music]

They're here. They're here!

Miguel, Miguel!

[music]

I tossed and turned all night. I felt so bad

for my girl, Justina. It's her first time hosting.

Yeah, I remember my first time hosting Christmas Eve.

I wanted everything to be perfect.

Could you believe, Renee, somebody disrespected

my meatball recipe?

-The meatballs? -Yeah.

-And I almost flipped the table. -You should've flipped

-the table. -I was like, are you kidding me?

-Teresa? -Hi. Buon Natale.

Buon Natale.

-Yeah, yeah. -Renee.

You can follow me if you want. I'm scared. Okay, to what do

I owe this honor 'cause I have not been that good this year

to get a gift like this.

Renne said you might need my help.

-I need a lotta help. -All right. I'm no snitch,

but I saw you the other day in the mall, you were a mess.

I had to do something for you.

We need to hook this place up and light it up like

you've never seen before.

Think of us like your guido godmothers.

Your fairy mob mother.

Thank you Jesus, Mary, Holy Spirit, and Santa Claus.

Andiamo , but let's get this going.

Let's go! Bring 'em in! Right now! You're gettin' fired!

So is your father! Let's go!

I had to call the best for the best

and bring the best event planners in.

As soon as Renee called me, I'm like, we got this.

Justina's gonna have the best Christmas Eve party ever!

Wow, it looks amazing in here!

-Do you like it? -I love it.

-You ladies saved Christmas. -So doll, next time you need us,

-just give us a call. -[Justina] I will.

-Arrivederci! -Ciao!

A guido godmother and a fairy mob mother...

What a Christmas.

Some of them, yeah.

All of them?

They don't all like anybody! Not even each other.

Do I think they would like me?

Do I think her family will like me?

They need to be worried about if I like them.

I'm the conceited one. Everybody likes me.

They will love me. They'll be smitten by me.

You like me. You probably adore me.

Who doesn't like me? Are you serious? Will they like me? Ha.

No, wait, but seriously, I just have to know is there something

that you know that I don't know?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in, a bird.

I don't even want to know what that cat dragged in.

Uh, I'm lookin' at it.

Justina, it is Christmas. Could you show me some type

-of love for once? -Oh look, mistletoe!

Too bad it didn't come with a step stool.

Ew, what is he doing here?

-[Both] Long story. -Great. Don't wanna hear it.

Can I come inside, please? Thank you.

All right. Come on.

All right, Perez, I'd say you got way more

than you bargained for, wouldn't you?

Is the tree-trimming scene negotiable?

[Both] No! [door slams shut]

You can't blame me for trying. Team, load out.

-I told you. -Yo, this is insane!

-It looks crazy. -And it's gonna be my first

-time trimmin' a tree. -Right.

♪ Since Italians play soccer ♪

♪ They gonna love to kick it with me ♪

♪ Mm-hmm. Well, don't be nervous, Con ♪

♪ They'll love you We all know this ♪

♪ Plus, you're easy to get along with ♪

♪ In small doses ♪

♪ They're gonna be a fan of my raps and the bars that I got ♪

♪ I should be on a Christmas tree ♪

♪ 'Cause baby, I'm a star off the top ♪

You still got it.

I would never have thought this in a million years.

I cannot believe you pulled this off.

This house looks crazy, Justina.

Are you dumb? Maybe next time you should, uh, you know,

have a little more faith in me, C-O-N.

That's not a mistake I'll ever make again.

The house looks beautiful.

The only thing more beautiful is you.

[doorbell rings]

So I heard Justina was gonna have some smackin', bustin'

delicioso food at this party.

Now you know why we're here. Because them Italians

don't play, but I'll tell you what, though.

It better fo sho you right on.

-Yeah, I mean-- -Merry Christmas, y'all!

- Hey! -What are they doing here?

-I have no idea. -Come on, Justina.

I swear.

-What up, fam? Tis the season! -Oh, my boy! My son!

Man, how y'all doin' on this Christmas Eve?

Good God, Justina. Ooh, this is a nice place.

-You been gettin' to the money. -You damn right.

How much is she gettin' paid from Basic to Boujee ?

Oh, speaking of Basic to Boujee, you know, we thought

we'd stop by, get a little exclusive footage

for next season. You know the vibe.

You know I can always eat.

Mouth open. You know, when it hits the food, it oxidizes?

-Yeah, yeah. -Wait, wait, so why didn't you

just call first? At least let me go-

-Hey, hey, hey! -[gasping]

Where's your Christmas spirit? We're a family.

We don't need no invitation. It's me and Tim, man.

-Boop, boop. -Boop.

♪ Listen, I got the seven fishes, all Italian dishes ♪

♪ It's gonna be bussin' and delicious ♪

♪ And plus my cookin' vicious ♪

♪ Oh, stop lyin' to your friends ♪

♪ 'Cause your cooking is definitely not vicious ♪

Viciously-- [doorbell rings]

Who am I to Justina? More like who is Justina to me? Ah!

What the hell's the matter with ya, Jus?

Ya got me standin' outside like the Statue of Liberty.

Oh my God! Conceited?

Tim!

And is that Big Baby?

Mm-hmm.

I'll show him a for sure you ride on.

Mm-hmm.

Gi, take it easy. They're not goin' nowhere.

This is my cousin, Gianna.

Do you have any more surprises for me?

Yeah. My booty's growing.

That's right! I'm Gianna. Hope I didn't hurt yous with the door.

With all this junk I got in my trunk.

You know what? It's not a bad trunk either.

Now I came to help you with the tree 'cause I know you

don't know the first thing about decoratin', but clearly,

you must've hired professionals

'cause it looks like a million bucks in here.

Hold on, time out. Justina, you hired people?

-I did not hire anybody. -Ha! If he believes that,

he's as stupid as he looks on the television.

Okay, listen. Everyone's gonna be here in, like, an hour.

So I need to get this last tree done.

Mm, you need some trimmers?

-I know a guy. -Oh wow, big daddy!

All right, C-O-N, you wanna do the honors?

It'll be my pleasure.

[music]

I'm gonna find a room in this palace.

I'm gonna go get settled and powdered.

And then I'll be down to help you with the food.

If she puts any more powder on,

Darren's gonna think she's a donut and try to eat her.

Hey! I heard that!

She's always been jealous of my skin, soft as a baby's tush.

She's got greasy skin just like her mother!

And maybe I wouldn't mind if Darren wanted to

take a little bite!

Oh God! I'm okay! Darren, I could use some help! Oh boy!

Oh boy! He-he-help!

We all have a cousin like Gianna.

Good luck with that, Big Baby.

Yo, listen, while he's worried about

whatever she's talkin' about, I need to talk to you.

No. I don't get nervous. I even, like, studied Italian.

You know, I was speakin' Italian before I got here.

Just said the whole alphabet.

I wanted to give you your gift now before everybody gets here.

-What'd you get me? A chain? -Better.

-Some earrings? -Better.

-A bigger booty? -I'm not a miracle worker.

-But I have this. -Um, your doll?

Ungrateful, but no. It is not just my doll.

This one has a magic NFT number

connecting it to a metaverse of Christmas.

Well, I did just buy a whole bunch at the mall.

And I have to say, now that you're here,

there is an uncanny resemblance.

You're both ugly, but kinda cute.

So I'll keep him.

The magic comes alive tonight, midnight Christmas Eve,

so I'm gonna give him to you now before, you know, you go...

-Get a little off the eggnog. -I'll eggnog you.

[clock chiming]

-Time to get fly. -Let's do it.

Who's ready to get this party started?

[cackling] [screaming]

Darren!

You look good. Your shoulders look so big today.

I pick you up all the time. I've been working out

-a little bit. -[Justina] I can tell.

They're here!

[Both] Clearly!

-Justina, here goes nothing. -Don't embarrass me now,

-you bird. -Don't embarrass me.

You know they call me Flossy the Snowman, right?

More like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Plain Deer.

I just said don't embarrass me. Stop.

That word play was crazy, though.

-I actually loved it. -You like that.

I do.

Yeah so, what do you wanna know?

Tony, behave yourself.

-My Justina. -Nonna.

Oh c'mere.

How was Nonna's lips? You're beautiful.

-Do I need some more rouge? -No.

Gianna, oh my God. Pull your skirt down.

Jesus Christ. Look at you two. Yous have always been

inseparable ever since you was a little girl.

You make Nonna so happy.

-Joey. -Justina, look at this place.

-You live in a freakin' castle. -I got a room for you anytime.

Oh, you're so handsome. Listen, not only are you

my favorite brother, you're the most handsome.

You know, don't tell Tony and Johnny, but next to you,

facia brute, huh?

You know me. My lips are sealed.

Oh, this is Conceited. This is my brother, Joey.

C'mere you! Welcome to the family.

Merry Christmas.

-He kissed me. -So that's what we do.

Kiss on both sides of the cheek.

-With the men? -Yeah, you're lucky he gave you

two kisses, not two schiaffs Right, Joe?

What she said.

So what do you wanna know?

Oh yeah? Well, you know, the tomato don't fall too far

from the vine, capiche?

Isn't he handsome? Look at him, Conceited.

He's my most favorite grandson. And he didn't get this big

and strong on his own. I fed him a lot of chicken parm.

Isn't that right, Joey?

Who the hell are these people?

In the name of the Holy Spirit. He's embarrassing me.

He's giving me heartaches, Joe.

Calm down. These are the caterers for the food.

-Don't you wanna eat? -Caterers on Christmas Eve?

Justina don't even know how to boil water. I like it al dente.

Not al dente your teeth.

I brought and extra set of dentures just in case.

You know what I mean?

What's the matter for you? You don't like Christmas?

You don't wanna be home with your family?

La shaloo Anthony. Leave him alone and mind your business.

I'll la shaloo you! You floozy!

I'm happy to work today and make the money.

May I get you a drink?

You know something? I like this guy.

Maybe we'll keep him around.

And who the hell are these guys with the cameras?

What are we taping, Wheel of Fortune ?

I'll take an F.

-Get these microphones out-- -Here we go again.

-My sciata nerve. -Be straight. Take a breath.

-My sciata nerve. -Take a breath.

-My sciata nerve. -[Joey] Take a breath!

Think of the antipasta. There you go.

Nonno. Relax. We're gonna have a great night.

-And this is Conceited. -Conceited?

What the hell kind of name is that?

And what does he have to be conceited about?

-Well, he's with me, isn't he? -God got tired while he was

making him. Look at his legs. Jesus Christ.

Let me get a good look at him.

-Conceited? -Yes.

Where's the rest of you, honey?

-The rest of me? -Well, your shoulders

are very large, they don't match the rest of your body.

Do ya fix?

-Like stuff around the house. -Justina sweetie,

if he doesn't fix,

fix him a plane ticket back to where he came from.

-I can hear you. -All right, honey.

Enjoy your night. Anthony, put that down!

You're gonna spoil your whole appetite.

I'm gonna need a Christmas miracle for this one

to stop naggin' me.

I'm gonna make sure she doesn't break a hip, okay?

Do you know any hitmen that could whack her by the morning?

I'll give you some good scharole .

What's your name, Buddy the Butler?

We're gonna be good friends.

Hey, how're doin'? I'm Tony, Justina's older, wiser-

-And I'm his wife, Angela. -Ang, Ang, let me talk first.

-Okay, she's my sister. -Oh please, you're boring.

-Bor-I'm boring? -Let the people do their job.

I got a job for you. Hey baby, I got a job for you.

It's called shut the hell up. Okay, you're hired.

Congratulations.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year ♪

Hey sis, how ya doin'? Thank you so much for hosting

this year. Now the only fish I gotta worry about is this one,

ya know?

-Hi Justina! -You're Reggie, right?

-You're Reggie? -Con. You can call be Conceited.

Oh, it's Con! It's right there on the necklace. You see that?

Oh, he's a good speller. Justina, you chose a good one.

All right. Let's go, kids.

-How does he know my name? -He must've Googled you.

He don't watch the show.

Come on, Carmella. Santa doesn't like slow.

Dad, just stop with all the Santa crap.

-Hey! -No!

Keep it up, Carmella. Santa's not gonna bring you nothin'.

And I'm gonna laugh my head off.

-Oh, shut the hell up, Tony. -Carmella, no!

Carmella!

You talk to your brother like that one more time

I'm spraying you with holy water, okay?

Really Carm, where's your Christmas spirit?

I don't got any Christmas spirit, Ma.

-That's enough. -Oh, since when?

Say hello to your aunt and Reggie. Go inside.

Oh wow, you look a lot taller in person.

-Really? -No.

All right. One, zero. Carm, listen, I know

it's been forever, but I got you a really good present.

-Bribes are definitely accepted. -All right. Get inside.

-She's gettin' fresh. -Hey, I've been prayin',

all right? Reggie, do yourself a favor, okay?

-Con. -Don't have kids.

-Hey Tony! Don't say that? -What?

You would make beautiful battle rap babies, I'm telling you.

-We would. -Don't listen to him.

-He's a bitter old man. -Old man?

-Yes. -Hey, she didn't call me

old man last night. You know what I mean?

-Oh, Tony! -Ew!

I got mortadella , procutte, and Mozzerella,

don't eat the whole tray, you garvone .

-I gotta eat it before Reggie. -It's Con, but--

-All right, Reggie. -Hey, Anthony Jr.!

Are you outta your mind? Put that--

Excuse me, doll. What the devil are you doing?

-Let's go make a drink. -No.

You need a drink. It'll be all right, Con.

I could've stayed in Miami for this.

But she's never around anyway, so who cares?

Carmella, that is really rude of you

to say about Aunt Justina.

-What's the matter with you? -Nothing rude about it!

I'm just answering the questions.

-Yes, it is! -No, it isn't!

Yes, it is!

No, it isn't!

Yes. It. Is!

No, it isn't!

Yes it is.

All right, Bud.

When are we gonna sit down and get to eatin'?

When is it time for the fish?

Whenever you'd like, sir.

Tony, I love this guy. Can I take him home with me?

On Justina's dime, of course.

Anthony, don't you wanna wait for your other grandchildren

to get here before you start eatin', you garvone?

-Eh, the hell with them. -Nah, hang on, Nonno.

Let me text them.

Do what you want, but the time they gets here, all this food's

gonna be in the sewer system already. You know what I mean?

Jesus Christ, I can't even have a nice day--

Do you know anybody who could take care of your grandmother

for me? You know, pft.

-Nonno, it's Christmas. -Nonno, the Lord is listenin'.

Good, if He loves me, He'll take her by the morning.

Oh.

Yeah, pray you'll find a wife like her.

Let me tell you something before I die.

You've always been my favorite grandchild.

-Want to know why? -Why?

-You're ugly just like your grandfather.

Thanks Pop.

-What about me, Nonno? -Joey, please.

if you were on Star Wars , your name would be Chewbaccala.

Oh God, my sciata nerve, my nerve, my nerve.

-Nonno, you're breathing. -One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two three.

And then be relaxed.

-All right. -I'll take another.

Go, go. What are you doin'? You're still standin' here.

-Go get another one. -What a stunad.

A frickin' weirdo, that guy. Weirder than you.

Come on, honey. I'm not yellin'. You just, you walk very slow,

okay? That's all I'm sayin'. What is this?

What is this, Dateline ? How old are you?

How do I feel? I don't know. I feel fine, you know,

as long as there's some good food, good drinks,

for as rich as she is, you know?

Merry Christmas, Johnny. And Merry Christmas, Madam.

-Who the hell are you? -Let me take your jacket.

Where is-I didn't know my-- Where's my family?

Johnny, get in here and sit down! I'm starvin' over here!

Sit the hell down, will ya?

I've already had the privilege of seating them, Johnny.

-Right this way. -Nice touch! Nice touch, sis!

Yeah, with the cameras and everything!

It's never just about the family with this one, never!

What are you, do you like this? You're looking at the cameras.

It's TRL ? Get over here.

[sniffing]

I'm ready to cut into this fish.

[Buddy] Would you like me to serve you a plate, sir?

Does a fat baby fart?

I want some brussel sprouts on your plate.

I need you eating some greens. You see all this?

-Thank you. -Thank you.

I'm not gonna lie. Justina, this food looks great.

And everybody better clear their plate.

Oh, you wanna kick the freestyle?

Well, let me do the honors.

♪ They account and got a penne ♪

♪ Mine's full of cheese like lasagna ♪

♪ JV, I'll get rid of ya rasta ♪

♪ Italiana, all these other chicks are imposters ♪

♪ Nobody at this table wanna spin it with me ♪

♪ Watch your mouth, Con There's plenty other ♪

♪ Fish in the sea 'cause when I do it ♪

♪ Yeah, I do it one time Merry Christmas to all ♪

-♪ Conceited ♪ -♪ Justina Valentine ♪

[cheers and applause]

Who is that? What are they singing?

The Beatles?

-Rap. -Freestyle, freestyle.

Freestyle rap.

Oh, you don't have to pay for it?

-No, no, no. -Free's for me.

Thank you. Thank you, Jesus. Lord, did that stop.

Thank you so much.

-Such a hater. -That's very nice, you two.

Is that something from the TV show you're on with the guy

-with all the kids? -Who's on the show? Gianna?

-Angela? -No, not me.

-Justina? -Yeah Nonno, remember?

I'm on TV with Nick Cannon on Wild n' Out .

Wild and who? Wait, what? Nick Cannon on the singing show

with the mask? I've never seen you on there.

Which one were you?

Yeah, she's one of the judges. Robin not so Thicke.

Robin? Robin who? Is this a stick-up?

Go to the car, under the seat. Go!

-Nonno! -Can it like San Marzano.

Not for nothin' that wild show or whatever, it's too confusing.

I can't understand half the things you're sayin' on there.

Ya know, Johnny, maybe that man bun's tied on a little bit

too tight these days because it's not too hard to understand.

With the rappity rap, I gotta know what's goin' on over there.

Rappity rap? He got leftity back three times in the third grade.

-Three times? -It was twice. Their fault.

It was a mix-up with the-- It was three times.

Johnny, that's not very nice to say about your sister's show.

Show? Which show? Show me some more vino over here.

Yes, sir.

-Ah. Give me a kiss. -It would be an honor, sir.

Other side.

The other side of the cheek, not the chair.

-My apologies, sir. -Smarten up, kid.

Justina's been on that show now for, like, eight years.

-Eight years? No kidding? -Yeah, whatta got?

Spaghetti for brains, Nonno? How do you not remember that?

-Watch your mouth! -Jesus Christ!

He certainly does have spaghetti for brains.

And it's not angel hair. It's rigatoni 'cause Tony,

your brain is rigged the wrong way.

Hey, women ought to be seen and not heard!

So wait, you didn't know Aunt Justina was rich

and famous, Nonno?

First of all, who the hell are you?

And second of all, I see now she's rich.

This house, this wine, this guy. Come here, son.

Give me some more. Good boy. Give me another kiss.

It would be an honor, sir.

Lil Tony, I don't know if I'd say famous. It's like B,

C-list celebrity at best, right? Wouldn't you say that?

Better than being a D-list nobody.

That's a good one, sis.

But Joey, hey, hey. Why don't you wipe Justina's ass off

your lips? There you go. There's a napkin for you.

Watch your mouth, boys. It's Christmas for Christ's sake.

And the damn kids are here.

Sorry, Nonna.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen and get my wooden spoon.

Get a brain while you're in there, you scarecrow!

Mind your business, Anthony!

I'll mind my business when you get a mind.

-Ah! He didn't take his pill. -This is the Feast of the

Seven Fishes, and you make eight!

All right, look, jokes aside. Everything, Justina,

we're really proud of you. We really are, honest to God.

Speak for yourself!

How come we didn't pray?

We teacher says we're supposed to pray before every meal

just in case you choke.

I wish your great grandmother would choke.

Okay.

All right. Everybody put your forks down.

We're gonna listen to my son. We're ready.

-Jesus Christ. -Carmella, take notes.

Jesus and God, and the Holy Spirit, please bless our family

on Christmas and the other 364 days if you're not too busy.

And we only wanna do good, never bad.

And even though we yell at each other sometimes--

well, actually all the time--

we really do love each other. And Happy Birthday, Jesus.

[Nonno] [snores]

[snores]

-Okay, Son. Let's wrap it up. -Hold on. One more thing.

And also, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit,

please forgive my sister, Carmella.

She doesn't mean to be evil. Amen.

-Oh, shut the hell up, Anthony! -Hey!

[indistinct arguing]

Don't talk to your little brother like that!

How are we raising a gargoyle?

What the hell is the matter with her?

With the fork, Gianna with the fork?

Shut up or I'll stab ya!

All right, good food, good meat, good gosh, let's eat!

Mangia, mangia. Mangia, mangia.

Yeah, yeah, Jumanji! Yeah, Jumanji, yeah! Jumanji.

Who the hell is this guy?

Con-who?

Concieted? The little one?

I don't like him.

Oh, you smell just like my wife.

Oh, my God. This food is amazing.

I told you.

It's okay, buddy, you don't gotta say that.

-That's all right. -I think it's delicious, sis.

Oh, my God. What'd she do?

All she did was pay for it.

Oh, thank you so much, Justina. I'm sorry.

I hope you didn't break a nail swiping the credit card.

Oh, good. I'll take you off the family phone plan

next month, huh?

The American Heart Association says it's good for the ticker

to have one glass of red wine per hour.

A classy woman leaves a sip.

This wine's delicious.

-So, where'd you get the fish? -Sabino's, Nonno.

Sabino's? You shoulda went to Franky Fish's.

He's got the best baccala in town.

Sabino's a snitch, you know that.

You gonna whack him, Uncle Johnny?

Oh!

Whack him? Who taught you that?

No more Godfather for you.

I'm your father. You both need God.

That's a good idea, Tone. I might have to.

I don't know. Maybe.

Tony, who's this kid?

[Tony] That's my son, Nonno.

He looks more like the dollar store Pauly D down there.

He's not Joey's?

Don't give me that look.

Don't you dare give me that look.

What's going on down there?

Justina, there's a hair on my food. Joey, button up.

And if you don't like the fish, Johnny,

why don't you have Christmas Eve dinner at your house next year.

Oh, I forgot. You still live in Mom and Dad's basement.

[indistinct arguing]

[whistle blowing]

Okay, obviously, there's a fight getting ready to brew here.

So let me lay down a couple of rules before we get started.

Okay, fellas, don't put your hands on the women.

Ladies, no foul language. There's obviously kids in here.

Okay? And remember, you guys are a family, let's keep it clean.

It's Christmas Eve. Johnny. You ready?

-Yeah. -Justina, ya ready?

Damn right.

Fight!

[indistinct arguing]

That's enough!

It's Jesus's birthday for Christ's sake.

They all talk at the same time.

You have Tony Baloney, Johnny Salami, Joey Cannoli.

They probably have a cousin named Tanya Lasagna.

They are so loud.

Conceited, is the food okay, honey?

Yes. Yes, ma'am. "No-nna"? Nonna. Yes, it is.

It is amazing. Thank you.

Good, good. So what do you do?

Well, I'm actually on the same show that Justina's on,

-and I actually have a couple-- -What show?

And I'm a battle rapper.

Oh, battle. Now we're all veterans here.

Tony, Johnny, Joey, my son. We all served.

What unit were you in, son?

He was in the G-Unit, Nonno.

Hey, keep your 50 cents to yourself.

Phony A over here. Yeah, that's what unit you were in.

Where's that stationed?

A wrapper? Like, you wrapped up all these gifts?

Oh, they look beautiful, honey.

But do you fix?

Do I fix?

Unclog a toilet? Something?

No, I don't fix toilets and I don't fix the TV.

I am on the TV. I am a TV star.

I fix ratings.

Oh, Go on, he's so bright. He's blinding me.

Nonna, he--you know, he's a performer like me,

a TV personality.

Who cares about his personality if he can't fix?

Oh, no. I mean, I can probably fix something.

Ha! Can you fix your height?

I mean, and and I collect sneakers,

and I'm a NFT expert.

NFT? What does that stand for? Not Fixing Things?

[laughter]

Sneakers huh?

I know a couple of trucks that could sneak some off of,

make a little scharole , you know what I mean?

What do you say? Me and you.

Please, Johnny, the only money you ever had

-was when you managed a Sbarro. -Oh.

Tony, don't be ridiculous. It was a Domino's.

By the looks of your hair, I thought it was Olive Garden.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's better than Little Caesar

you got over here, right?

Little Caesar, the pizza place.

Your family's outta control.

Bing bong, from downtown.

It's good.

We're not trying to get him pinched over here, Johnny.

Besides, you don't need nothing from a back of a truck.

-This guy's a legend. -Hello.

A legend?

Dinner with a legend. You hear that kids?

That a little generous Joe. Legend. Little generous.

Oh, my God. I really hate this family.

What, do you guys live on another planet?

[indistinct arguing]

More antipasti, less anti-Christ.

I'll take a refill.

Fill'er up.

[Buddy] Absolutely, sir.

Give me another kiss.

[Buddy] It would be an honor, sir.

He kisses better than you.

Oh,

feel free to slap me harder after dessert, sir.

Let's put on a little Frankie.

It's never a bad time for Frankie.

It's always a good time for some Frankie, yeah?

I'm always ready for some Frankie, honey, that's right.

Now, that's a real man.

I shoulda gave Frankie some hanky panky when he wanted.

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

Speaking of blue eyes.

Oh, okay. I see what you did right there.

This isn't Frankie.

Lord, I am so sorry you had to hear this nonsense

on your birthday. I would never do this to you.

Oh, my God. Is someone strangling cats?

We can skip this song.

So, you mean like, cut the beat?

No, I mean skip the song. What's a matter with you?

Nonna, you're still mad about the song?

You don't realize the young people,

they look up to you, honey, especially your niece.

Now she's saying she doesn't care

about Christmas anymore either.

God forbid.

The song's not even good. That's the problem.

The song is not good.

[indistinct arguing]

[indistinct arguing]

I am done with you yelling at the table!

I'm yelling at anybody that needs to be yelled at!

[indistinct arguing]

... Son of a bitch! [doorbell ringing]

Now, who the hell can that be in the middle of our dinner?

Johnny, did you order some new tart for dessert?

Save one for grandfather.

-Give me some more wine. -Yes, Your Majesty.

-It's okay, little one. -Give me a kiss.

Yes, sir.

-Take this with you. -Oh!

That was the best slap yet, sir.

Hey, what's up, hello.

Fetty, what are you doing here?

I came for the Christmas party.

I heard this the spot in Jersey tonight.

Fetty Wap? Now, that's a good rapper.

You already know. You see the crib.

Yeah, I see what's going on.

Yo, little man. I got something for you, man.

-What do you say, Tony? -Thank you, Mr. Wap.

Oh, Fetty.

Oh, hey. No, Tone money.

Tone money, I like that.

We tryna come and get lit, you know what I'm saying,

it's where the party at.

Well, you know, I was a trap queen before all this, Fetty.

Come on in, let's light it up.

Merry Christmas.

♪ In love with your money I ain't ever letting go ♪

♪ And I get high with my baby ♪

♪ I just left the mall, I'm gettin' fly with my baby, yeah ♪

♪ And I can ride with my baby ♪

Hey yo, what's good? Let's turn this party up.

Ain't nothin' like a Christmas party in Jersey, man.

That Fetty Wap, he's something else.

I haven't had any WAP since 1958.

Her WAP dried out when JFK was president.

♪ And I get high with my baby ♪

♪ I just really wish you would die, my baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ Two spaces up and I might just kiss him ♪

♪ Gonna ride that face ♪

♪ Queen frosty -- when I diss 'em ♪

How about that Fetty Wap, couldn't keep his hands of me.

I said, Mr. Fetty Wap, Fetty Stop.

♪ Come and taste You know I'm so sweet ♪

♪ Bon appetit, they cannot compete ♪

♪ Sugar spread all over these sheets ♪

I bet your favorite type of pasta is fettucine alfredo.

Molto bella!

♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall ♪

♪ Why these hoes stay on my balls? ♪

♪ Acting big when they so small ♪

♪ Got it all, I recorded at the Taj Mahal ♪

Now now, don't be so sad there, young lady.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm sure Santa has something very special

planned for you tonight.

Listen, I'm 12, and I don't believe in Santa or butlers.

Well, I believe in you.

And I got a sneak peek at your aunt's gifts for you

and boy, oh, boy.

What is it? Is it a Gucci or a Prada bag?

-Even better. -[gasps]

I knew it! Thanks for the tip.

Anytime.

All right. I need everybody to gather 'round.

You know I had to save the best for last, and I got presents

for my favorite niece and my favorite nephew.

-You ready, Tone? -Yeah.

Let's go.

You ready?

Wow. Uh, very, uh, creative.

I don't want your stupid magic doll.

I wanted a Gucci or Prada bag!

Carmella!

Who does she get this from?

Where do you think she gets it? She looks up to you.

You're the Godmother. Get your stuff. We're outta here.

So rude. Don't listen to her, she got problems.

Shut the hell up!

Oh!

Now! Out the door! Go!

Good, I wanted to leave this stupid party anyway.

She's outta control. I was bad, but I was never that bad.

Just so you know,

that was the worst gift I ever got!

Out the door!

Aight everybody, it's been a very Valentine Chritmas Eve.

You ain't gotta go home,

but you gotta get the hell outta here.

[Justina] Me and Conceited was snug as some bugs.

Drank too much eggnog and passed out on the rug.

The family was gone. Nobody was there.

The butler picked up the elf and placed her with care.

[clock chimes]

[music]

Wake up! It's time.

I'm up, I'm up! What is wrong with you?

Shh, they're right there.

-Who? -Them.

Oh, they're huge.

Anyone is huge compared to you.

Whoa, whoa, let me stop you right there, JV.

I am pocket-size perfection. All right? And I'm mad at you

because I just had these Elf Force One's magically cleaned.

Well, tighten up, Elfish Freshly.

I need you to focus.

He's gonna be here any minute.

[thump, whoosh]

It's time. We got to get her in the sleigh.

Wait, just her by herself?

Are you dumb? Turn your Santafications on, you bird.

Beat you to the sleigh.

[music]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

And merry Christmas, Justina!

Tonio? Santa, the new gig?

It's so great to see you again so soon.

I wish I can say the same thing about you, Justina.

I know your heart's in the right place, but between

this anti-Christmas song and your niece Carmella,

there's so much work to do in such little time.

Plus, Santa's got a club booking to get to.

I didn't even think of this song as anti-Christmas.

I understand. But the good thing is,

it's never too late to do the right thing.

That's a fact.

So without getting all santamental,

just tell me what I need to do to get back on the nice lists.

-Naughty, naughty, naughty. -Mind your business CON1,

The boss is talking.

You're not a made man, you're man made.

Now, now, everyone get buckled in.

I've got an appearance to get to.

No show. No dough.

Here's the deal. We're headed to Carmella's

since she wanted to commit elf abuse.

I mean, I'm still a bit sore.

Does your face hurt? 'Cause it's killing me.

I just knew I was gonna like you.

Likewise.

What the elf have you been eatin'?

Yah!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

That was sick.

Ha, this elf here.

[unintelligible]

Let me handle this for you.

I'm the better elf, Santa.

What are you doin'? Let me go!

What the bell is wrong with you?

How do you like me now, CON1?

Put me down! Scrooge McJust!

-All right, that's enough. -All right.

-You ready, you bird? -Yeah, I am, you Grinch.

You see, that's exactly what Santa be talking about.

Santa.

I cannot believe you're mad about my song too.

You didn't say very nice things about Santa.

Oh, yeah. Santa's got receipts.

-Petty! -Petty? Hm!

"Always looked at Kris Kringle as just another creepy guy."

Hey!

Hey, where are you going?

"What's Santa to a Scrooge?" [grunts]

It hurts my corazón .

Are you sure it's not just high blood pressure?

You have packed on some pounds.

Psst, little Tony!

Wake--wake up!

Words, especially from someone like you,

mean so much more than you realize.

[farts]

-Ugh... -Santa!

-It's the wife's empanadas. -[coughs]

I wasn't that bad this year.

Merry Christmas, Carmella. I'm JV1, your magical elf.

What?

Santa, I feel terrible, but I need to know

how this shorty can get off the list that's naughty,

because I just know you got some presents back there

with my name on 'em.

Let's start with your niece, Carmella.

Whoa.

Aunt Justina!

What's going on?

I told you the elf was magic.

-Merry Christmas, Carmella. -Hi.

I guess it pays to be on the naughty list.

Yeah.

-Lessons will be learned. -I love lessons. Yeah.

We're here for lessons.

Oh, wow, that was awesome.

-Aunt Justina! -Tony!

-Santa! -Hey, why does he have to come?

-That's really not fair. -Now now, Lil' Tony,

you're actually at the top of my nice list.

-You can stay. -Yes!

CON1, no more surprises.

Yeah, I hate surprises.

Loathe, entirely.

Vamanos!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What does this button do?

Do not touch the button!

Okay.

Touch the button!

[music]

All right. Is everyone ready?

I was born ready, Santa.

Thatta boy.

[Santa & Justina] Anthony's first Christmas Eve.

I remember this Christmas.

I remember thinking it was the best Christmas ever

because I finally got a baby brother.

I don't think you've ever been this nice to me since then.

I'm nice to you!

Sometimes.

Carmella, mi amore,

I wanted you to remember the feeling of joy and gratitude

you had for your brother that year.

[Justina] That was a really great Christmas.

And it was really nice then because you weren't famous yet,

and you still made time to play with us.

You know, you're right, Carm.

I do need to make more time for you guys.

And it's not that I don't want to.

It's just time goes by so fast.

You ain't kiddin', Aunt Justina.

Just yesterday, I was in third grade.

Then boom, fourth grade.

Well, I hate to interrupt this merry moment,

but time is just about to expire here in the verse

in three, two, one.

Wow, that never gets old.

You never get old, get over here you.

[Santa] Carmella, the lessons of Christmas past

are gratitude and balance. Both you and your aunt Justina

need to work on these things.

You don't think I'm grateful, Santa? That's coal.

You get it, coal?

Yeah, and that's all you're getting this year.

Sorry, Nat Queen Coal. Ow!

[Justina] Keep it up, CON1,

and you're gonna need a candy cane to walk.

Don't we gotta get going to the present now, Santa?

[All] Yah!

[music]

[screaming]

We're clear.

Welcome to the present.

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather it was July ♪

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Anthony, can you move? We're filming here!

Oh man. You beheaded my wise man.

You know this is all a bunch of crap, right?

Disgraziato.

Carm, are you gonna get this kid out of here

so we can catch this

Never Cared about Christmas trend or what?

You hate Christmas and think it's a made-up holiday,

but need me to move away from our Christmas tree

for your video chat?

If that ain't labbats , I don't know what is.

-I said to move, Anthony! -No!

I said to move!

[Tony] Hey, what are you doing? Carmella, get your hands

off your brother. How dare you do that.

I wasn't even doing anything. He wouldn't move!

Okay, girls, get your things. I'm taking you home.

-Come on. -No, that's not fair.

You were messing up the post anyways.

It's better you aren't in it.

Ugh!

Hey, I'm really, really sorry, Anthony.

I was wrong to ever treat you that way.

And, Santa, I want to be on the nice list again.

I'm really, really sorry.

That's the thing about the present.

It quickly becomes the past,

and the past is meant to be left behind.

My sister likes me again. My Aunt Justina's back.

This is the best Christmas ever.

And imagine, Anthony, the best is yet to come.

[Both] Uno, dos, tres, yah!

[music]

Wow, I've never seen anything like it.

What's poppin' y'all? It's your girl JV33.

Welcome to the Land of the Ice Castles.

Get ready to go into the future.

Aunt Justina, can I go with JV33 to check out the Ice Castles?

She seems trustworthy,

but if one hair on his head is out of place,

I'll take the batteries out of all your backs.

My legs could use a stretch.

He could also use a bathroom. [farts]

Oh!

Tony! Tony!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

All right, ready?

Here, let me put it on.

Carmella.

Carmella, I--

I love it.

It's Saint Anthony. Your name saint.

And look, I've got one, too.

This is amazing.

Come here.

This is the best Christmas ever.

-Sheesh. -There you go, kiddo.

Santa's got some shmoney, huh?

Wow. This is gonna be so epic.

Handmade by the elves themselves.

From the freshest ice you can't find anywhere else.

♪ And we went to the castles and saw some ice ♪

♪ All the fresh fallen snow and it shines so bright ♪

♪ Never before did I see such a sight ♪

♪ The sparkles, the colors What a special Christmas night ♪

♪ Yeah, we got to wrap it up It's been one hell of the time ♪

♪ But I never met a verse that was realer than mine ♪

Hoo-hoo!

[Santa] And... [All] Yah!

Ho, ho, ho...

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

[music]

It's Christmas! Good morning!

Justina, wake up, it's Christmas.

It is Christmas!

And you, magic at midnight, huh?

What a ripoff.

Con, what would you know about magic at midnight?

And what did you think was gonna happen?

They were gonna come alive and bring us to

a magical metaverse? Grow up.

Yeah, I actually did think that.

Is there anything wrong with having Christmas spirit

to actually think that--

When did you get in your pajamas?

When you passed out from drinking too much eggnog, dummy.

I burped you and put you to bed.

What a crazy night, though, huh?

And a crazy family.

Let's get into some gifts,

because that's what I really came here for anyway.

Childish.

Justina. You do know the best thing about this Christmas

is your presents.

Damn, greedy.

No, not. Not your presents. Your presence.

Oh, period.

Look, honestly, I don't care what's under the tree.

It doesn't matter, 'cause the best gift

is here with me right now.

You do know this is the first time we've been alone

since I got here.

Clearly.

[music]

What's poppin' fam? Ha ha!

Oh, no!

Nick?

Whoo, merry Christmas, everyone.

Look what Santa brought me-- my own hologram machine.

I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want.

So why didn't you want to go home instead?

You can't get this one pregnant, Nick. Not this one.

Whatever.

What's up, Nick? I love this view.

Merry Christmas.

[canned laughter]

My man, yo. Where is that coming from?

What you mean?

That's my studio audience. My family.

And you know what? It's Christmas,

so I wanted to take them

into the homes of people I love and care about.

Oh, merry Christmas y'all, what's popping?

What's good?

[phone ringing] What's up, bro?

Hey! Merry Christmas, Justina.

I cannot believe what you did to these kids.

What, are you, insane?

Ah, don't worry about it.

You woulda thought I had Santa himself to help me.

I almost cried. I don't cry, but I almost cried.

Aunt Justina, Aunt Justina.

Look, now I got ice just like you.

Wow, that's so sharp, Tony.

Who's that? Is that Nick? Nicholas!

What's poppin'?

-Hi. -Okay.

Merry Christmas, Nick.

Ang, Ang, you're too loud and you're too close, all right?

Nick, take 'em. Please.

Honestly, take her off my hands. And Justina, thank you again.

Love you.

I love you, too, Ciao.

Yo, Justina, you know what this moment needs?

-What? -A holiday rap up.

That's a fact.

You know what? It's Christmas, so I'll start it off.

Slow it down. I just gift you.

♪ I like that, coming from the wild style queen and the king ♪

♪ We some savages ♪

♪ I'm trying to see if good things ♪

♪ Do come in small packages ♪

♪ The present is a gift appreciated every day ♪

♪ It's time to make it reindeer because that came to sleigh ♪

♪ And you know what they say, 'tis the season ♪

♪ No matter what they tell me ♪

♪ Con so small when he take pictures ♪

♪ They call it a "Elfie" ♪

♪ Nah, Nick. That's wrong. Don't try to spit with me ♪

♪ Before I light you up like a Christmas tree ♪

♪ We don't toy around, so go and pack it up ♪

♪ It's time to do what Nick never does ♪

♪ And that's wrap it up, because when I do it, yeah ♪

♪ I do it one time ♪

♪ Conceited, Nick Cannon ♪

♪ Your girl Justina Valentine ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, everybody ♪

♪ Buon Natale ♪

There's still time, you wanna kiss?

Wait, a time for a kiss?

I mean...

Yeah. Come here.

Ha! Did you get that? Did you get that?

I finally got my Christmas kiss, my Christmas wish.

Mwah, I want another one.

They got that. Send me that clip so I could just

post that on my Instagram and it go everywhere.

Nobody. Please tell me you got that.

No. Why? Why you look. No, no.

-You guys didn't get it? -No, please tell me

you got that. You-- So you--

You get it? I swear I kissed her.

Nobody's gonna believe me. We need to get that.

Give me a kiss, please.

You know what, Con? There's always next Christmas.

No!

♪ How can I fuhgeddabout How can I fuhgeddabout ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

[music]

[music]