Original subtitles

- Looking for someone Mr. Cervantes? - Por favor?

Nevermind!

This way!

- Good evening Juan - Good evening

- You only just made it? - Si, si

- Come along then, into the classroom - ln a momenta! First l've to go some place

- Well, don't be too long - No, no

Come on! This way, this way

Good evening everyone

Well I must warn you, l'm not in the best of humours tonight

ln fact, l have a serious complaint

- Why not go to the doctor? - lt's not that sort of complaint, Danielle

l'm far from happy with your progress!

l feel as if l'm banging my head against a brick wall

Oh blimey! lf you're doing that, you'll be getting a headache

I checked your homework last night! Frankly, I think you're getting worse

Max, the great form of address for a cardinal is not 'west wing of the cathedral'

l didn't now he'd moved!

lt should have been your eminence!

And Danielle, the word 'conjugate' is applied to verbs

And has nothing whatsoever to do with marital relations

Oh, I am sorry!

And as for you Ranjeet, some of your answers mae no sense whatsoever

That is because l'm not understanding the gist of the questions

So l'm answering different questions that l do understand

- That is not the object of homework - Thousand apologies

- Buena Serra - Giovanni, what time do you call this?

Ten past seven!

- You're late! Haven't you got a watch? - l had a watch! lt was a beautiful watch!

lt was rustproof, shockproof, waterproof! Everything!

- The only trouble is, it wasn't quite superproof - Superproof?

Yeah, last night l'm working in the restaurant!

And oopsee daisy, l dropped it in the soupiere

Quiet!

- Have you seen Juan? - One what?

- Juan Cervantes - Scusi! No

Where the devil has he got to?

Perdon Senora!

- ls OK my friend wait here for me? - l don't now about that

- lt's only till finish class - All right then

- You want a cup of tea? - He not speak the English good

Not like me!

You wait here! No speak, no nothing!

- OK? - KO

- No KO, OK! - OK

This evening we are going to concentrate on the alphabet

l'm going to go round the class

And l want each of you to give me a word beginning...

with different letters of the alphabet

Max, we'll start with you! A or a

A desk

- No Max, that's a D - Alright, Dee Desk

No Max, desk doesn't begin with the letter A! l want a word beginning with the letter A

- A door - Good, Adore! Well done

- Excuse please! - Yes Ali

l am not understanding why you are saying a desk is not right but a door is right

Well you see when Max said adore, he was meaning the verb 'to adore'

And although the sound is the same, he didn't mean a door! For example this door

- Am l right Max? - Sure you're right! l am meaning any door

At this rate, it will take us a week to get through the alphabet

We'll try again Max! Please give me a word beginning with A

And l don't want a something! Just one word beginning with the letter A

think of a fruit!

- Apple - Apple, good!

Danielle, B!

- B for brave - Good

- B for beautiful - Thank you Danielle!

- Anna, C - Red

- Red? What's that got to do with C? - Red Sea

l want a word beginning with the letter C

- Cow - Yes well done

- Taro, D - Ah so

- Darko - Darko? Well it's Dark

- Dark - Yes

Jamila E

- Effening - Good, excellent! Well done

- Giovanni F - Fick

- Fick? - That's right

There's no such word as Fick

Sure there is! My boss is English and he say lots of times

- Fru fic and fru fin - Your boss's grammar isn't very good

And don't you dare say the old chestnut

About his grammar being very good for his age

- l not say that - Good

She's dead!

- l not say that - Good She's dead!

Quiet everybody!

There's far too much levity in this class

Don't forget you have your exams coming up shortly

Now try and take it seriously please

- Giovanni, a word beginning with F - Female

Good, well done

Su Lee, G

- Glate - Glate?

As in gleat wall of China! Built by grolious Chinese workers

Yes, thank you Su Lee

- Perdon - Ah Juan

- We're just going through the alphabet - Por favore?

- A, B, C, D, E - Ah si alphabeto

A, B, C, D

Can you give me a word beginning with the letter H

Por favore?

- Palabra - Ah palabra

- Huly - Huly?

- Si, H'april, May, Hune, Huly - No Juan, that's a J, July

- l want the letter H - Ah si Hacienda

- l'll accept that - Por favore?

lt's alright, it doesn't matter! Sit down

- Ali, I - You are what?

A word begining with the letter I

- lnfidel - Are you meaning me?

Sit down!

- Ranjeet, J - Jackass!

- Are you meaning me? - Most definitely

l knock your damn turban off you monkey face

Quiet, please sit down both of you!

- Danielle, K - K for Kindhearted

- Good - K for Kiss

l think that'll do Danielle! Thank you

- Max, L - Elephant

No Max, try again

- Lovely - Good

- Anna, M - Masterrace

- Jamila, N - Nitting

No nitting begins with a K

- What do you knit with? - Ah... Wool

No, what are these?

- Needles - Needles, excellent

Well done! Giovanni, can you give me a word begining with the letter O

- 'Orrible - No

- 'Oliday - No

- 'Opeless - Yes you are

You keep dropping your aspirates

l not drop nothing

An aspirate is the sound made by the letter H

The words you gave me all start with H, not with O

- Scusi - l want a word begining with O! Come on

- Outside - That's better

- Excuse me Mr. Brown - Hello Gladys

Miss Courtney wants to see you in the tea room

Alright, l'll be as quick as l can!

Giovanni, would you take charge of the class while l'm away

Si professori

- l think you'd better come too Pedro - Por favor?

Miss Courtney has found your fishy friend

Are you going to answer me?

What is your name?

Who are you? What are you doing here?

- What seems to be the problem Miss Courtney? - This is

l just came in here and found him

He seems to be some sort of foreigner but l can't get a word out of him

- ls he one of yours? - No l've never seen him before

You can find out what he's doing here!

After all you do seem to have a way with these foreign person

l'll do my best

Hello, what's your name? Name?

Do you speak English?

Parlez-vous francais? Spracen de Deutsch?

Parliamo ltaliano? Habla Espanol?

Well say something even if it's only get notted!

- Amigo - Everything alright! Not worry

- Juan, you now this person? - Si, l tell you the truth! ls my brother

- Your brother? l don't believe you - OK, l tell you truth, ls not my brother

- ls good friend! We sleep together - Pardon?

Not in same bed, in same room

- Why don't you tell me the whole story? - OK l make the clean chest

- Breast - Si

- But you must promise not to tell nobody - Let's hear what you have to say first

His name is Boris! ls Marinero

- Marinero? - Si

- He's a sailor - Sailor

- He's a sailor - Sailor. Last night, he come in bar where l work! He is rooshin

- Rushing? - Si

- You mean he was in a hurry? - No, no! He's Rooshin. From Roosha

- A russian sailor - Si

We drink

- Vodka - Si vodka

And he ask me for a mental home

- He asked you for what? - He say no go back to Roosha

Ask me for a mental home, casa de loco

- Asylum, Political asylum - Si, si

- He's a defector - No, he's Rooshin

- You not let them take him back - Of course not

This is a free country! lf he wants to stay here, he's perfectly in liberty to do so

Welcome to England Comrade!

Silenzio!

What do you want?

You're supposed to be studying the books

- Who say so? - l say so

Look professori he's put me in charge!

You got to do what l tell you

Now l am gonna ask the questions and you gonna give me the answers

- Ali - Yes please

What is a noun?

Oh blimey, it is very simple!

'Noun' is a lady who is living in a convent

That's a nun!

Jamila, what is the plural of a thief?

- The plural of a thief - A thief

- Robbers! - No, no not robbers

Look these are rubbers!

- One thief, two... - Thiefs

That's better!

- Max, what's the opposite of bitter? - Lotta

- lt's not right - Sure it is

Opposite of bitter money is lotta money

Quiet!

- Silenzio - Thank you Giovanni, you can sit down now

Juan l think it might be a good idea if Boris sat next to you

For your general information, Boris is from Russia

Much better he sit next me lather than leplesentative of capitarist phirosophy

Sorry to disappoint you Su Lee but Boris has decided to change horses

Blimey, is he a Russian cowboy?

No Ali l meant he's decided he prefers our

democratic way of life to the Russian regime

- He's a defector! - He's tlaitor! Better ling Lussian Embassy

We will do no such thing Su Lee!

Boris has made his decision and after the class

Miss Courtney will inform the Home Office

Who will then decide whether he can stay

- Why he wish to reave Lussia? - l haven't the faintest idea

- Maybe he's a spy - Yeah a double agent

Maybe Su Lee is right! Send him back vere he came from

He should be intellogated

Sit down everybody! Quiet, please! Sit down

l'm sure Boris has a perfectly good reason for wishing to remain here

- Boris! - Da Da

Would you come out here please?

Juan, does Boris speak any English?

- l teach him a little - Good

- Why do you want to leave Russia? - Por favore?

l see you speak English as well as Juan does

lt's alright! Why do you wish to leave Russia?

Come over here!

- Russia! - Da Da

- England - Da Da

Why you leave Russia to stay in England

- A woman? - Da Da

- ls this true Juan? - Si si

Last night in bar, he meet beautiful girl

He has fallen, how you say, heels over head

- Head over heels - Si

- Sit down - Da da

Vive l'amour Boris

Well Su Lee, l'm sure even you wouldn't wish to stand in the way of true love

- Tlue rove should be for state not individual - Not this side of the iron curtain

Now where were we up to in the alphabet? Which letter have we got to?

- P - P

Suppose you give me a word begining with P

- Plopaganda - Propaganda

As used by decadent western world

To splead ries about grolious peace roving Chinese

Su Lee, do you have to mae a political speech every time you answer a question?

Yes! Chairman Mao, he say it is duty of those who can see

To guide brind to right of tluth

The 8 points of attention are as follows

Do not damage clops

Do not take riberties with women

Yes Su Lee sit down, thank you! That will do

Ali give me a word beginning with Q

- Q - Yes go on

- Q? - Yes come on

- Q - Ali, will you give me a word with Q

Oh blimey, I am giving it to you three times already

Queue like bus, stop, queue

l see, l'm sorry! Well done!

- Taro, R - Ah so

- Radio - Good

- Ranjeet, S - Eskimo

- No, Eskimo begins with E - A thousand apologies

- think of word that describes you - Stupid

Don't you call me stupid you half witted pakistani popadom

Don't you call me Pakistani papadom, you brown deaf chapati

All right, that'll do! Sit down both of you!

- Juan, T - Por favore?

- T - Ah tea, si

No it's not time for tea break

- Por favore? - Never mind, sit down

- Excuse me Mr. Brown - What is it this time Gladys?

- There's another one turned up - Another what?

A rusky! l've just shown him into Miss Courtney's office

l am Captain Yvan lvanovitch!

- Are you? - Da

- And you are, Mrs? - l am Miss Courtney

- A fine womans like you has no husband? - No

l am understanding! You prefer to have the lovers

Certainly not! Now will you please get to the point

l have reason to believe one of my men is here

- Really? - Come Mrs. Courtney

- Miss! - Miss

We both now he's here!

He must come back to the ship and return to Russia

That is for him to decide

Enter!

You wish to see me Miss Courtney?

This is Captain lvan lvanovitch! Mr. Brown our English teacher

- How are you doing? - Very well thank you

And may l welcome you to England! You and

your compatriot are perfectly safe here

You don't have to go back to Russia if you don't want to

- Mr. Brown - Yes?

The Captain has no wish to stay here! He's come to take back the other person

- But you can't do that - Why not?

He doesn't want to go back! He's met this girl you see and he wants to get married

That is impossible! We are only being here for one night

lt was love at first sight

- People do not fall in love at first sight - English people do

l tell you he cannot be getting an English wife

- Why not? - Because he already has a Russian one

- Are you saying he's already married? - Da Da, to Anastasia

Well, this puts an entirely different complexion on the matter

l'm afraid we have no alternative but to return your roving shipmate

- Will you see to that Mr. Brown? - Very well

You are a woman of great perception as well as being beautiful

Thank you

You are reminding me so much of your great national figure

- Yes, people've said l resemble the Queen - No, not the Queen

British Bulldog!

Juan, l as you the question!

- What is the name for a group of cows? - Por favore?

Hey come on! You now what l'm saying!

You might fool professori, you not fool me

- What is the name for a group of cows - l don't know

- A herd of cows - Por favore?

- A herd of cows - Sure l heard of cows

Santa Maria, a herd of cows is a lot of cows

And you speak a lot of bull

Thank you Giovanni

Thank goodness you're back!

l tell you professori l donno how you put up with all these foreigners

Boris!

There's a friend of yours outside!

He's waiting to take you back to the ship!

- Captain lvanovich - Nyet

Not nyet! Da da! He's told me all about Anastasia

Anastasia

For your general information, Anastasia is Boris' wife back in Russia

Oh the randy old Cossac!

- Will you permit me Mr. Brown? - He's all yours Captain

Boris, Boris! You lousy cheat

Alright come along now! Pay attention!

We've had enough interruptions for one evening

What letter of the alphabet were we up to?

Me, T

- Well Juan - Tobacco

Tobacco, good

- Max, U - Me

- No Max, the letter U - h'umbrella

- Yes good but it's not h'umbrella, umbrella - H'ocay

- Anna, V - Vent

- Yes good, Vent as in 'air vent' - Nein, as in I vent to vash my hands

No Anna! Those words begin with W! l want a word that begins with V

- What instrument Yehudi Menugin play? - A fiddle

- A violin, V - Wiolin, Ja

- Danielle, W - W for Warm

- Good - W for When

l only wanted one word Danielle

- Excuse me Mr. Brown - What is this time Gladys?

- He's back - Who's back?

Ivan the Terrible!

He wants to see you

Giovanni!

- Captain you wanted to see me? - Yes Mr. Brown, could l...

- Leave it to me! - Thank you Mr. Brown

Enter!

Miss Courtney, we've got a bit of a problem! Captain lvanovich is outside

Don't tell me his compatriot's escaped

Oh no, Boris is safely on his way back to the ship

Then why has the Captain returned?

He wants to defect!

He said like Boris he has fallen heels over head in love

These foreigners are impossible

Tell him to go away! His infatuations have nothing to do with us

l'm afraid this one has! You see he says he's fallen in love with you

My little English Bulldog!

l am loving you Mrs. Courtney