Original subtitles

Newspaper Vendor: "Paper! Paper!

Read all about it! Another

stately home robbed!" Parker:

"I brought your early morning

tea, m'lady." Lady Penelope:

"Thank you, Parker. Will you

pour? I'll have two lumps today."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady.

Oh, er... here's the paper. Headlines

are quite interesting." Lady

Penelope: "Dear me. The home of

Lord and Lady Donington-Brown

was robbed last night." Parker:

"They live just up the

road from here, don't they,

m'lady?" Lady Penelope: "Yes.

Oh, it's really quite frightening.

This is the twelfth robbery

of stately homes inside a month."

Parker: "Seems to me the

geezer what's doing it knows

what he's about, too. He only

pinches the family heirlooms.

The newspapers reckon they're

priceless." Lady Penelope:

"Oh, they are, Parker. But why

doesn't the thief take cash? He

leaves contemporary works of

art behind also." Parker:

"Search me, m'lady. The coppers

don't know nothing. Look, there.

It says er... as how they're

baffled." Lady Penelope: "So it does.

It appears there are

never any clues for them to work

on, and no signs of a forced

entry." Parker: "Cor, when I was

in the cat-burgling business,

I'd have given half me loot

away to do a job like this

bloke." Lady Penelope: "Well,

we won't go into your past

activities now, Parker. Do you

realize that we could be the next

on the robber's list?" Parker: "Eh?

Oh, he wouldn't get much

here. All your valuables are

stashed away in the vault." Lady

Penelope: "I know, Parker, but

similar vaults in other homes

didn't stop the thief. Somehow,

he manages to penetrate the

strongest locks, and break the

most complicated combinations."

Parker: "Oh. Yeah, I was forgetting that.

And he manages

to knock out the automatic

TV-cameras too." Lady Penelope:

"Exactly. It's almost as if...

he's a phantom." Parker: "Well,

being a bloke who don't believe

in ghosts, I'd say as how we

ought to protect ourselves."

Lady Penelope: "I knew you'd

see it my way, Parker. So, this

is what we'll do. Forewarned

is forearmed. You will contact

your previous underworld

associates, and try to discover

the identity of this villain."

Parker: "Ooh, that's a... that's

a good idea. I'll go and phone

Fingers Fred. He keeps his

ear close to the ground. If

anyone knows the geezer, Fingers

Fred will have heard." Lady

Penelope: "The teapot is bleeping.

Hello, International Rescue

here. Lady Penelope speaking."

Jeff Tracy: "Hi, Penny. Jeff

Tracy here. I heard a newsflash

on TV, about the stately

homes robberies." Lady Penelope:

"Yes, Jeff, it's all very

worrying." Jeff Tracy: "Yeah.

Well, it occurred to me the thief

might choose your house next."

Lady Penelope: "Precisely."

Jeff Tracy: "I was wondering if

you'd like me to send Brains

across to England. He's got some

pretty good gadgets that er

maybe could improve your

security." Lady Penelope: "It's

awfully sweet of you to offer,

Jeff, but I really think I can

handle things." Jeff Tracy:

"Are you sure, Penny? You know,

you've got some equipment in your

house that many people would

love to get their hands on."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, you mean

the International Rescue gadgets.

Well, I don't think our

robber is interested in new things, Jeff.

He only deals in

heirlooms." Jeff Tracy: "OK,

Penny, if you're happy.... But

remember, call me any time.

Brains will be over there on the

double." Lady Penelope: "Thank you

so much, Jeff. I'll remember.

Goodbye. Ah, Parker. What did you

find out?" Parker: "Nothing,

m'lady. The underworld blokes

are hopping mad, cause they

don't know who the robber is!

They're as baffled as the

law." Lady Penelope: "What about the booty?

Have any of the

heirlooms been seen or heard

of?" Parker: "Not a perishing

one. Fingers reckons this tea

leaf is a crank collector. Not

one of us at all." Lady Penelope:

"You mean, one of them,

don't you, Parker?" Parker:

"Er, yes, m'lady. Sorry, for a

moment, I got carried away.

Talking of Fingers brought back a

lot of... old memories." Lady

Penelope: "Er, yes, quite so,

Parker. But the fact remains

we have no further clue to the

thief's identity, and my home

is still unprotected from that

man." Parker: "It looks that

way, but what can we do?" Lady

Penelope: "Absolutely nothing.

So, we'll go about our normal

business, and hope this mystery

man spares us a visit." Parker:

"Right, then I'll take the

tea things to the kitchen."

Lady Penelope: "Thank you, Parker.

Er when you've done that,

will you telephone Wickfen's?

There is nothing like buying

a new outfit of clothes to take

one's mind off one's problems."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady.

Will you be staying in town

for dinner?" Lady Penelope: "Why not?

Yes, I'll take in a

show, and dine out. Yes, that's

an excellent idea. After you,

Parker." Parker: "Thank you,

m'lady." Elaine Wickfen: "Good

morning, this is Wickfen's.

Elaine Wickfen speaking." Parker:

"Er em hello, miss. Er it's Parker here.

Lady Penelope would

like to see some of your clobber

this afternoon." Elaine

Wickfen: "Certainly, Mr Parker.

We'll be all ready for Her

Ladyship. I have some simply marvelous

new creations." Mr Charles:

"Be careful with that tapping

device, Dawkins. We don't want

them to suspect that we're

listening to their conversation."

Dawkins: "Sorry, sir. I don't

think they realize anything

is amiss. It would appear, Mr

Charles, that Lady Penelope

is travelling to London after

lunch." Mr Charles: "Excellent!

Keep listening, Dawkins, to

make sure, but I think we can

rely on Her Ladyship to make her

trip worthwhile. She enjoys

the theater, and dinner in

town." Elaine Wickfen: "Now

Cynthia, darling, please stand still.

I've got to get this gown

absolutely perfect. Lady Penelope

is very discerning about

the creations she buys."

Cynthia: "You don't have to tell

me, miss Wickfen. Last month

I modeled 27 dresses for her

before she was satisfied." Elaine

Wickfen: "Yes, well, well,

that's not for you to say, Cynthia.

Her Ladyship is one of my

best customers, and a very good friend.

Nothing is too much

trouble." Cynthia: "Em I suppose

you're right, miss Wickfen.

When's she arriving?" Elaine

Wickfen: "Any minute now. So,

darling, please keep still or

we'll never be ready." Parker:

"Here we are, m'lady. Wickfen's."

Lady Penelope: "Thank

you, Parker. Er there's no need

for you to come in. I'll be

needing you around 6 o'clock."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady. I

don't like hanging around ladies'

shops anyway." Lady Penelope:

"So I understand, Parker. I'll

see you at 6 then." Dawkins:

"We'll be at the Creighton-Ward

mansion in 5 minutes, Mr

Charles." Mr Charles: "Right.

Switch to silent flight and

get the gas capsules ready."

Dawkins: "Yes, Mr Charles." Mr

Charles: "Bring her in to a hover

over the chimneys, Dawkins.

I'll release the capsules. Right.

By the time we touch down

on the lawn, the servants will

be out cold." Parker: "Did you

enjoy the play, m'lady?" Lady

Penelope: "Oh yes, Parker,

it was very good. And those

beautiful gowns from Wickfen's...

I can't wait to go the Russian

ambassador's ball." Parker:

"Yes, miss Elaine sells a nice

bit of cloth, don't she?" Lady

Penelope: "The best, Parker.

Now, will you telephone the

house, please. Lilian can prepare

my nightcap." Parker: "Right.

Will you be wanting tea or cocoa?"

Lady Penelope: "Oh, cocoa

I think, Parker." Dawkins:

"That's the phone, Mr Charles."

Mr Charles: "Yes, it could be

Lady Penelope. We'd better get

a move on. Help me with this

vase." Dawkins: "Very good, sir.

Have you got all you want,

sir?" Mr Charles: "I think so.

Let me check the list. Yes, it's all here.

Come on." Parker:

"There don't seem to be no

reply, m'lady." Lady Penelope:

"How very strange. All the staff

can't be asleep. Better put

your foot down, Parker. Something

must have happened." Lady

Penelope: "Parker, do you see what

I see?" Parker: "Yes, m'lady.

It's a helijet. It's just taken

off from the front lawn."

Lady Penelope: "Exactly. And

I'm not expecting visitors

tonight. Parker, I do believe

we've been robbed." Parker: "Cor!

Shall I shoot him down with the

cannons, m'lady?" Lady Penelope:

"Certainly not, Parker. The

helijet could be a perfectly

innocent caller. And on the other

hand, if it is the stately

homes robber, he'll have some

of my most valuable vases

and china aboard. We wouldn't

want them to be smashed, would

we?" Parker: "I suppose not,

m'lady, but what are we gonna

do?" Lady Penelope: "Stop the car, Parker.

Now, I put the

suction microphone in my bag yesterday.

Ah, yes, here it is.

Er loan me your pneumatic machine

pistol, Parker." Parker: "Here

you are, m'lady. It's got a

compressed air charge in it."

Lady Penelope: "Good. Now, I

just insert the microphone in

the chamber, like so, and take

careful aim." Parker: "Good

shooting, m'lady! I'll switch

on the receiver speaker." Mr

Charles: "Good, the darkness

will stop the occupants of that

car identifying the helijet."

Dawkins: "Yes, sir. But it was

a close thing." Mr Charles: "Oh

I agree, Dawkins. I'm glad

that was the last stately home

on my list." Dawkins: "You

mean we've got all the pieces,

sir?" Mr Charles: "All but one

fine collection, Dawkins, and you

know where that is." Dawkins:

"Of course, Mr Charles. But

getting the crown jewels is a

bit different than the heirlooms

we've stolen so far." Mr

Charles: "Different, Dawkins, different.

But the most vital of

them all. By this time tomorrow,

my family's disgrace will be

avenged." Lady Penelope: "Switch

off the receiver, Parker.

I think we've heard enough."

Parker: "What's it all about,

m'lady?" Lady Penelope: "I'm not

exactly sure of the reasons

behind the plot, but one thing

is certain: this Mr Charles has

been working to a set plan, and

that plan will be complete

tomorrow, when he steals the

crown jewels." Parker: "Cor...

what an haul that would be! Are

you going to tell the coppers?"

Lady Penelope: "I don 't think so, Parker.

You find it hard

to believe the crown jewels

could be stolen, don't you?"

Parker: "I'll say I do!" Lady

Penelope: "Then so will the

authorities. No, Parker, no-one

would listen to us. We've got

to act ourselves." Parker: "Yeah,

I suppose you're right. What

do we do about it?" Lady Penelope:

"Well, right now, we'll

go home and get a good night's sleep.

And tomorrow evening,

we'll take a little trip to the

Tower of London." Parker: "It's

a grim-looking place, ain't it,

m'lady?" Lady Penelope: "Yes,

Parker, the Tower has been

the center of many turbulent

events. It used to be a prison,

you know." Parker: "Ooh, do

we er... do we have to go in there?

You know how I feel about

them places." Lady Penelope: "I'm

afraid we do, Parker. That's

if Mr Charles keeps to the

plan we overheard him making

last night." Parker: "Look, m'lady!

That's the same helijet."

Lady Penelope: "So it is, Parker.

It would appear that Mr

Charles is going to oblige us

with his presence." Parker:

"What's the form, m'lady?" Lady

Penelope: "We'll wait a while,

and give him time to get in."

Mr Charles: "Now, Dawkins, we

will come up against 10 beef eaters.

Are you ready for them?"

Dawkins: "Perfectly, Mr Charles.

The gas capsules will take

care of them." Mr Charles: "Right.

Adjust your breathing

mask, and we'll be on our way."

Mr Charles: "I'll get the

locks, Dawkins. Watch out for

guards." Beefeater: "Hey! What do

you think you're doing? You've

got no right.... Ooh! Argh...."

Mr Charles: "Come on, Dawkins."

Lady Penelope: "Come on,

Parker. I think we'll find Mr

Charles has opened the gates

for us." Parker: "Yeah, and

I'll bet there's a few sleeping

Beef eaters about." Lady Penelope:

"Oh, I almost forgot my

gas mask. Right, Parker, I'm

ready." Lady Penelope: "Quiet,

Parker. There they are." Parker:

"Yeah, and they've opened the

cage. They've got the crown

jewels...!" Mr Charles: "Hold

open the sack, Dawkins. Very soon

now, our task will be complete."

Dawkins: "And we can return

to a normal way of life sir."

Mr Charles: "Yes, Dawkins, but

this was something that had

to be done. I have avenged my family.

Now, I can rest." Lady

Penelope: "Where you are going,

Mr Charles, there'll be plenty

of time for that rest." Mr

Charles: "What?" Lady Penelope:

"No, don't move. I don't like

using guns, the bangs give me

a headache. But I'll have to

suffer if you don't do exactly

as I say." Mr Charles: "You can't

stop me now! I've completed

the task that was set me all

those centuries ago. Nothing

can stop me now." Parker: "A

bullet can, mate! And Her Ladyship

is a dead shot. Better behave

yourself." Lady Penelope:

"Put the jewels back, Parker."

Parker: "Cor...! Do I have

to, m'lady? I've never had me

hands on so much loot in the

whole of my life." Lady Penelope:

"Parker...!" Parker: "Oh,

very well, m'lady. Here, give

me that sack." Lady Penelope:

"I'm very interested to know

why you carried out these

robberies, Mr Charles. By your

standing, I wouldn't think greed

or monetary gain was your motive."

Mr Charles: "No, the actual

things meant nothing to me. But

to my long-dead ancestors,

the Granvilles, they were the

symbols of power and wealth."

Lady Penelope: "You mean all

these treasures you've stolen

once belonged to your family?"

Mr Charles: "Yes, my people

were once noble peers. They

were stripped of all titles and

property by Richard the Lionheart."

Lady Penelope: "Fascinating!

But King Richard must have had

a good reason." Mr Charles:

"They were convicted of cowardice

during the crusades, but

it was all a mistake. My family

could never have run away

from a fight!" Lady Penelope:

"The Lionheart was noted for

being a just and kindly man. I

really prefer his side of the

story to yours." Mr Charles:

"You're like all the rest! That's

why I robbed you. The Creightons

and the Wards were connected

with Richard's decision." Lady

Penelope: "Oh, yes... I remember

reading something about some

property being distributed

amongst the King's loyal friends."

Parker: "It's all back,

m'lady. And I've locked the cage

again." Lady Penelope: "Well

done, Parker. Now kindly

handcuff our two friends to the

grill. The police will be able

to find them after we've made

a telephone call." Mr Charles:

"You can't prove anything!

They'll never be able to hold

us!" Lady Penelope: "Oh, I think

this tape recording of our

conversation will be enough to

make the police search your

home." Parker: "But m'lady! Your

voice is on there! Your cover

will be broken." Lady Penelope:

"No, Parker. This microphone is

designed to record only male

voices. Brains sent it to me.

Something to do with the lower

octave vocal chords." Parker:

"Ooh, that's clever. Shall

we go then?" Lady Penelope: "I think so.

Farewell, Mr Charles.

Your family would have been proud of you.

They finished up

in jail too, I believe." Parker:

"I've brought your early

morning tea, m'lady. And here's

the paper." Lady Penelope: "Oh,

look, Parker. The police have

recovered all the stolen

heirlooms." Parker: "Oh, yes, m'lady.

That bloke Charles spouted

off about you catching him too."

Lady Penelope: "Really? What

does it say the police made

of that accusation?" Parker:

"There it is, m'lady. The fifth

line from the bottom." Lady

Penelope: "Hmm... "Inspector

Cedair of The Yard stated that

he knew of Lady Penelope, and

no gentler or more charming

person ever graced the earth.

The inspector added that it was

impossible to associate Her

Ladyship with criminals in any

way." Well, well, well. After

compliments like that, I can

see I'll have to buy two extra

tickets for the Policemen's

Ball." Parker: "As long as you

don't ask me along, m'lady!"