Original subtitles

Here you go. And I hope you enjoyed dinner and the show.

The show being me pretending I'm happy as a waitress.

Caroline, where is Max?

And I've already checked the bowels of hell.

Yeah, I know where I work.

Max is going to be late today because she got stuck on the subway.

But you said yesterday she was late because she was stuck on the subway.

No, I believe I said yesterday she got stuck "under" the subway.

-Oleg, a little help. -Oh, Max?

Today she got stuck on a bus.

And you said that the day before yesterday.

-Earl? -She got stuck

between the moon and New York City.

I know it's crazy, but it's true.

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find our cat, Nancy.

Also, I was stuck on the bus or under the subway.

Unless they told you something different,

then I was doing that.

Oh, come on! That excuse was less satisfying

than the end of Serial.

Max, really, what do you take me for?

Well, I know where I can't take you.

On the big rides at Disneyland.

Nancy still hasn't come home. I'm freaking out.

-She's the only thing I love. -(GASPS)

Whatever.

I had a cat once. He was cool.

He was black and very sexually active.

Oh, wait. The cool cat I'm talking about was me.

Earl, be careful!

At your age, you could die having sex.

I know.

Those ladies don't know whether I'm coming or going.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

I think Nancy might be gone for good.

I just can't believe she didn't take me with her.

We had a deal.

Max, she'll come back to the apartment, even if she doesn't want to.

I mean, I always do.

I am not surprised you're not worried.

You never really liked Nancy. You call her "that cat."

As in, "that cat" peed on my pillow.

While I was sleeping on it, Max.

Well, blame me. I got her drunk.

Hey, everybody!

Look, girls. I got your pussy in my purse.

Either that's a cat,

or you two got to keep better track of your belongings.

Yay!

That cat's back.

See, Max? I am excited.

(COOS IN BABY VOICE) I missed you so much. Yes, I did.

That's not Nancy.

That is a boy.

Well, Max, sorry I don't check out a cat's junk

the second it comes through the door.

Yeah, you only look at the face.

That's the difference between you and me.

See, look, the name tag says "Cinnamon."

No wonder that little girl kept crying and saying,

"Give me Cinnamon, Give me Cinnamon."

I looked her right in the eye and I said, "I don't carry spices in my purse."

Max, you are completely overreacting. It's just a--

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Just a what? Say it!

-It's just a cat. -(GASPS)

You!

Hey, I'm the one who fronted us that dollar to get her name tag.

Thanks to me, someone's gonna pick her up,

look at it, and say, "Oh, you must be lost, little cat."

Nancy! Her name's Nancy!

I know her name!

It got momentarily pushed out of my head

to make room for those 1,600 cupcake t-shirts

we can't unload or pay for.

You think I don't wake up screaming

four or five nights a week about those t-shirts?

But I know our cat's name.

You don't wake up at night ever.

No, I sleep like a dead baby. It's my one gift.

-(CELLPHONE RINGS) -Ooh, the phone!

Unknown number. This could be it!

I like my numbers like my condom expiration dates.

Unknown.

-Hello? Yes? -Who is it, Max?

You have her? Yay!

Oh, sure, great. Thank you.

-He has her? He has Nancy? -Please, too little, too late.

Max, we're in $10,000 worth of debt

and you spent money on new kitty litter?

Relax. I'm going to pee in it, too.

I guess it beats that Sprite bottle you've been using in your bedroom.

It's just such a long walk to the bathroom

that every time I have to go, it's like I'm raising money for MS.

Ooh!

I have good news.

I found your lost bra in the litter box.

Don't think I'm not still wearing it. I mean, why not?

I ate a hot dog that rolled under a car the other day.

I left a couple of big clumps in, just to help you out a little.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -MAX: Ooh!

Okay, that's Nancy.

Here's a chance for a fresh start for you two.

And don't bring up the bra.

We don't know why she wanted it,

but I'm sure she had her reasons.

Fine, I'll be on my best behavior.

But you watch and see how she treats me.

It's a two-way street.

Hi, I have your cat. And surprisingly, your doorknob.

Oh. That gum wore out already?

(GASPS) Hi, buddy!

Hi, I'm Caroline. This is Max.

Thank you so much for bringing back--

-Nancy! -I know!

And please note, she did not even look at me.

Hi. I'm Owen.

Well, we are "Owen" you a big thank-you.

Kind of low on cash,

how would you feel about 1,000 cute cupcake tees?

Yeah, I don't need 1,000 pink t-shirts.

My dad's already mad at me I don't care about sports.

How do you get this thing open?

We usually just take Nancy around

in an old vacuum cleaner bag.

Also doubles as my "going out" purse.

Pardon me, may I get past?

Oh!

Manners? In our doorway?

I don't know what to do.

What's next, a front stoop with no discarded heroin needles?

Yeah, I just came up there. Not today.

Here, let me help.

I'm the dumb one who paid $2,000

for a cat carrier.

I miss being that stupid.

You know, my cat can't get this open either.

It must be the lack of thumbs.

Rich, funny, and in a suit at 9 am.

I really don't know what to do.

You know, my cat, Dickens, loves your cat.

Oh, Dickens, after the author?

Dickens, after the author, Max.

Yeah, I know who that is.

The guy who wrote Muppets Christmas Carol.

There. I knew I'd get it.

Because I have thumbs.

Oh, there she is. Yes.

So I take it by the cat, you're single?

Big time.

So, do you and Dickens live alone?

No, she's trying to flirt.

I travel a lot for work.

I'm a venture capitalist. So you know how it is.

Oh, I do. I absolutely do. I...

-Here it comes. -Went to Wharton.

Boom.

Well, if she gets lost again, you know where to find her.

She's been hanging around outside our window

every day for the last couple of months.

So I let her in. I hope that's okay.

Okay? It's awesome.

I hope your girlfriend didn't mind.

We just broke up. So I'm single.

And I better get going. I've got a 10:00 meeting.

Max, give the man his case. He has a 10:00 meeting.

She doesn't want to get out of cushy this thing.

I totally get it.

I had to be dragged out of the massage chair

at Brookstone by mall security.

Well, here's my card, just give me a call

when you want me to pick up the case.

You have a card? (SCOFFS)

A card, a meeting, a suit, a joke?

Are you the next bachelor?

Well, thank you, Owen Charles Boyd, for bringing back our beloved--

-Her name's Nancy! -I know her name.

Why do I have to say it so fast?

She's joking, she's just not as funny as you.

Well, it was nice to meet you. Bye, Nancy.

Okay. Bye

Yes, I was flirting. But I was doing it for our business.

You should really be doing it for your business.

Because your business is going out of business.

He has a card. And it's not for medical marijuana.

He's a venture capitalist. That's the kind of fat cat

that can help us get back on our feet.

Speaking of fat cats, Nancy's looking like

she might need to give Jenny a call.

Hey, girls.

Aww, you found Nancy.

I knew she'd come back pregnant.

Wait, Sophie, how can you tell she's pregnant

and not fighting the same battle Jonah Hill is fighting?

Well, her fur is thicker, she's got a sparkle in her eye,

and there's a little kitten head about to pop out of her patoot.

(LABORED MEOWING)

Come on. Push, Nancy.

Come on. We all know what you did.

Now is not the time to be shy.

You do know what you're doing, right, Sophie?

This isn't like the time you told us

you could do your bikini wax with a candle?

Because I still have the vanilla-scented scars from that.

Don't worry.

In my village,

all the Kachinsky women acted as animal midwives.

It was the best way to meet guys.

Strap in, girls.

Oh, she's crowning!

I can't believe it.

I thought Nancy was smarter than this.

But it turns out she's just like the rest of the women in my family.

Screwed by some stranger she met in the dumpster.

Okay, here we go.

-(HIGH-PITCHED MEOW) -Oh...

There goes my ring.

Okay. Sorry, Nancy.

Here we go!

Come on, girls. I need some hot water

and fresh towels.

We do, too. For, like, four years.

How about some of these t-shirts?

Oh, sure. Why not use those? They used to be our bright future.

Now just a ShamWow for illegitimate cats.

(LABORED MEOWING CONTINUES)

Oh, my God, that must be the sound of a surrendering cat uterus.

It's the first time a uterus has surrendered in that bed for a while.

(KITTENS MEWING)

I don't know why I'm not throwing up.

Oh, wait. I'm starting to.

Well, I'm off Korean dumplings for life.

This one. This one won't come out.

It's like the Queen Latifah of kittens.

Sophie, I got your text that you were in bed with Nancy.

Who is this Nancy,

and when did we go back to doing three-ways?

Nancy's a cat.

That's a no.

I've got to draw the line somewhere.

Well, I heard the news.

Looks like you two are grandmothers before you're 30.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Okay, before you even ask, I don't pay for cat maternity leave.

This isn't Google.

This isn't even Ask Jeeves, Han.

Well, I can help you get the kittens good homes.

The people in my building are very nice.

Except if you don't recycle one bottle of sparkling cider,

then nobody talks to you in the elevator.

We're not giving the kittens away.

Nancy landed herself a rich cat.

We're gonna be living off a hefty kitty support.

Only you two would be desperate enough to try and find a sugar catty.

-So has Owen called you back yet? -Um, we're trading.

"We're trading"?

"We're trading" is lonely white girl talk

for "he hasn't called me back."

I can't believe this. He's a deadbeat dad.

Max, he's just busy.

And I think you might be projecting a little because of your dad.

Not that I'm a therapist. I mean, I can't even afford a couch.

I'm not projecting.

I just know a deadbeat dad when I don't see one!

-Where's his card? -I don't remember where I--

(GRUNTS) Max, let go! I've got this.

That guy can really help us with our business.

Please, let me handle this.

Look, Ryan Gosling.

-I got this. I got this. -I got this. I got this.

Keep going, girls. I'm almost there.

I got this, Max.

And when he comes for the cat carrier,

I'll talk to him.

You're way too emotional.

You just went to third base with my apron.

Sitting on this stoop is nice. How come we never sit out here?

(GUNSHOTS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

There it is.

Please. It's just Rico.

Rico looks good. I think he got another tattoo.

Look, when Owen gets here, should we still be alive,

please let me do the talking.

Kittens aside, Owen can help us.

A venture capitalist buys companies and turns them around.

Yeah, I've seen Pretty Woman.

That's how I realized I wasn't charging enough.

Go, Max, here he comes.

All right, I'll be watching inside from the window.

It's probably better because I don't trust Nancy alone with those kittens.

She's got some serious postpartum.

When I left, she was lighting a Menthol 100 with a shaky paw.

Hi. Crazy we live walking distance from each other.

We don't. The Uber driver wouldn't go past the fire hydrant on the corner.

The one with the bloody shoe hanging from it?

-That's the one. -(WOMAN SCREAMS AGAIN)

You know what? I'm just gonna take the cat carrier.

Before you go...

we have a small cupcake company that's just begging to be an empire,

and I wanted to pick your brain about some business stuff.

Okay, so your Dickens got our cat pregnant,

and she just had five kittens.

And at her age, it's a miracle we didn't have to pay for in vitro.

How do you know they are Dickens'?

I'm not saying that Nancy's easy, it's just,

I've seen her go in and out of a lot of windows.

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

Did he just drop a gun?

It's fine. He has more.

Okay, call my assistant, you can pick my brain.

I just don't want it to be off the sidewalk.

Really, I got to go. I can't get killed.

I'm wearing new suede loafers.

Uber, an assistant, and suede loafers?

Are you for real?

-I hope I'm not intruding. -No, come in.

I was just brushing my new loafers.

I bought them as a break-up gift for myself.

But unlike my ex-girlfriend, these have a sole.

I didn't wanna mention the cat situation to your assistant.

Next thing you know, it's all over the lunch room.

Owen Charles Boyd's cat is a raw-dogger.

My business partner stepped on them.

Said it was an accident. Didn't feel like one.

One shoe, yes. But both? Highly unlikely.

Owen, sometimes in life,

it's not just an innocent cat that gets screwed.

A girl can get screwed as well.

Oh, hey, hi. What's happening?

As in, screwed by one bad business decision.

My partner, Max, and I recently invested all of our savings--

Well, here, take a look.

My coffee! My loafer!

My coffee's on my loafer!

-Here, let me. -No, you dab.

You don't wipe suede. You dab.

Dab. Dab. I'm sorry.

I used to know that. That's Rich 101.

Let me just go find some water and I'll dab, not wipe, this out.

We're not done yet. I'm going back in.

It's going really well though. Where's water?

Do you know how to unsend an email?

If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend would've never found out

what I thought of his lisp and I'd be living

in the "thouth of Franth" right now.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Where is he?

He needs to see these adorable bastards.

Max, how did you find me here? I told you I was going on a think walk.

I followed you.

I never noticed how much you check yourself in store windows.

You have a problem.

Do either of you know a way to turn the phrase,

"self-absorbed, ridiculous pig" into a compliment?

If I did, I'd still be on The Apprentice.

Owen's going to see that email and I'm going to get fired.

I have to start paying attention to details.

I'm just gonna go back in.

What? I don't care.

Not without me you're not.

Max, please, let me handle this. I'm begging you.

We're getting close. Look, I'm holding his shoe.

If he doesn't step up here, these kittens will feel neglected.

And it is only a matter of time till they are waitressing or worse.

Max, you're wrong.

There's nothing worse than waitressing.

Max, stop! You'll ruin everything. I can fix this and us.

We are beyond help!

It's all about these kittens.

-Now move, I got this. -No, I got this.

- I got this. - I got this.

-My God. -What the hell is happening?

That's right.

I came to your office with a basket of cats.

Max, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, he's the one who should be sorry.

I want you to look these kittens in the whiskers

and tell them that Dickens is not their father.

What makes you think they're mine. Why?

Because they look just like Dickens when he was a tiny baby kitten.

And this one's even cuter. And that one.

I'll take them all.

But not that one. Seems a little off.

Not quite as alert as the others.

Oh.

-She's not good enough for you? -Max. Projecting.

I'm not projecting. He said she's not good enough.

What?

Just because she was unplanned and not good at math?

Developed boobs way too early?

Okay, fine. I'm projecting.

What is going on? Caroline, are we gonna hook up or what?

This is the weirdest foreplay ever.

Hook up? What would make you think I want to hook up?

Because I business flirted?

That's Wharton 101.

It was more than business flirting.

You begged to come to my office,

show up wearing a see-through shirt.

That was not by choice. It is cheaply made.

I came here to talk to you about our business,

and possibly get you to invest in a small, but spirited--

Invest? This is the financial capital of the world.

Yes, it is.

Why would I invest in a desperate little cupcake shop?

BOTH: You!

That's it! No cats for you.

You know what?

You are a self-absorbed, ridiculous pig.

-Says you. -(SCOFFS) And your assistant.

Check your email.

I was able to unsend it. Yay!

Yeah, might want to re-ignite that LinkedIn profile.

You're gonna be home a lot more. You want a cat?

Thanks for taking the kittens, Han.

I feel you have an understanding of small creatures,

being one yourself.

Have no fear, my building is loaded with lesbians.

They take home rescue cats faster than they take home other lesbians.

Okay, let's discuss my terms.

Unlike all my non-animal children, I wanna know they're taken care of.

What part of lesbian don't you understand?

They'll be swaddled in a flannel shirt by nightfall.

Okay, now this one, I call Junkie.

Because he's got a serious catnip problem.

Oh, so you raised a drug addict within a week.

Sounds about right.

These two should try and stay together.

We call them Game of Thrones One and Game of Thrones Two.

Because they're siblings and lovers.

This one's the boy.

Watch him and learn what humping looks like.

This one's pretty bland.

She lays around, doesn't meow much.

And when she does, she's kind of phoning it in.

-We call her Amy Adams. -Yep.

This last one gets special attention.

She's the smallest, but she's got potential.

I mean, look at those nipples.

And now the nipples are all I see.

Have a nice life. I'll find you on Instagram.

Check out Grumpy Cat. Do what he does.

Well, bye, kitties. And remember, stripping isn't dancing.

And now all I can see is them wearing pasties.

You know what, Max?

We don't need that rich guy to fix our business.

We can do it ourselves.

Who am I kidding? Our business is in worse shape

than two retired guys in a golf cart.

Well, you know what we'd better fix? Nancy.

Because he was right, she's a slut.

Someone just found her 69-ing a tabby in the alley.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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