Original subtitles

Max, guess what Han's doing at the counter?

Well, I know it's not towering over it.

He's creating signature drinks for the diner.

I suggested any household poison over shaved ice.

Han, this is a stupid idea.

-It was Earl's. -Then it's genius.

Yep, I've been drinking all afternoon for free.

Now, I've used only top shelf liquor.

Question: Who got it down for you?

First up: "The Max".

It's just whiskey. On the rocks, like Max's job.

Whatever mine is, I want my rim salted.

Of course, you do.

Earl's is an Old Fashioned with everything.

Uh, pour me another me.

I hate to say it, but I go down easy.

"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps in a slightly frosty glass.

Because of my cool, Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

No, because they had a sale

on Lemon Schnapps at Beverage Barn.

Oh, they don't card there?

Okay. So what's "The Han"? A No Sex on the Beach?

Mine is a classic martini, shaken.

Oh. Like the first woman who saw you naked.

Correction. Will see you naked.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Max, guess what happened when you were running

to the bathroom real quick for two hours?

You worked the cupcake window

while I went to see the Statue of Liberty.

Her head was being renovated.

(SCOFFS) Everyone in this town is getting work done.

I sold our last cupcake tee!

We've sold more than Robert De Niro

in the last 20 years of his career.

Well, analyze this, Focker.

I noticed we were running low last week,

so I ordered more.

How did I not notice those sooner?

Oh, probably because the last time I looked in there,

there was a rat having sex with a cockroach.

You know, they're still dating.

Really? I thought it was a one-time thing.

Well, I guess once you go rat, you never go back.

Thanks for ordering these.

I've just been so busy with Sophie's wedding shower.

Yeah, why are you working so hard?

It's not a big deal.

I threw my mother a shower once.

No wait. I threw her in a shower once.

Max, you really need to start making more of a fuss.

It's for Sophie. It means a lot to her.

And she has a gun.

Well, showers are stupid girl things

that this guy wants no part of.

Hey, girls!

Look, I'm advertising your cupcake business.

You're advertising something, but it's not our cupcakes.

I gave out free t-shirts to our building.

I left one by everyone's door.

Two at Sophie's, 16 at the Sanchez's.

So about six of the kids will have to share.

Interesting.

Now our shirts are available

at both Rodney, the high-end Manhattan boutique,

and an apartment building

that always smells a little like gasoline.

Well, please stop talking about things that aren't me.

Now, girls,

did you get the cake for my wedding shower tomorrow?

Oh, was I supposed to make a cake?

I've literally done nothing for the shower.

I haven't even taken a bath.

No, I'm not getting my cake from here.

No, this is my bridal shower.

Yeah, I wanna get something classic from Baskin Robbins

that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.

They mix those two now?

It's a stoner's dream come true.

I tried to make our apartment look nice.

I even moved a chair to cover a stain,

but what was under the chair was so much worse.

I guess what I'm saying is, please don't shoot us.

Well, I don't expect it to look that good.

I mean, you can't put a silk hat on a pig.

And I know, because I tried once.

(GAGS)

(GAGS)

Max! My God! What have you done?

I realized I don't like a strawberry center.

And I am not gonna beat myself up about it.

When I told you to get crepe paper streamers

and decorate for the shower, I meant with pink, not black.

It's a wedding shower for Sophie,

not a baby shower for Rosemary's Baby.

What? I told you, I don't do girl things.

Like hang pink or sit when I pee.

Which, coincidentally, I refer to as "hanging pink."

My God! What is that smell?

Something's really gone bad here.

Besides our lives.

It's the Polish food.

I think one of those sausages is made of old flip-flops.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Someone's here already?

Are Polish people always early?

Is that a stereotype I don't know about?

(EXAGGERATED) Oh, my God!

A wedding shower for me?

(EXAGGERATED LAUGH) I mean, if I had known,

I would have dressed!

-Sophie, you did know. -I know.

I came down early to practice some entrances.

Now, get ready for Entrance Number Two!

Are you ever ready for Entrance Number Two?

(KNOCKING)

Who is it?

(GASPS, THEN LAUGHS)

My God! I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the day of my wedding shower.

(STAMMERS) Could anything be more wonderful?

I was moved, I was surprised. I liked it better than the book.

Now, come on in here and identify some of this Polish food

so I can know what I'm not eating tonight.

Oh. No, I'm not eating at my shower.

I'm pretending I have an eating disorder

so everyone will think that I have it all.

I think you're going to be happy.

I have lots of fun shower games,

starting with "Who Knows The Most About Sophie?"

Oh! I'll win that one. Yeah.

And Sophie's got to tinkle.

See? I'm a shoo-in. Yeah. All right.

Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Black toilet paper!

Oh, nice touch, girls.

Yeah, I love the mystery of not knowing when you're done.

-(URGENT KNOCK) -MAN: FBI! Open up!

The FBI? I don't think they RSVP'd.

Oh, that's got to be for me.

I didn't do it.

And just so you know,

the statute of limitations is up on that Newark thing.

I'm not here to arrest you, miss.

(SCOFFS) Great, it's me.

Max, I told you pirating movies was a real crime.

Now, I'm going to jail for Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Someone should.

I hear you. Not the Christian Grey I'd pictured.

I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.

Nothing to get upset about, but there's a man in your building

who has been holding three women hostage

in his apartment for months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now one of the captives escaped today and alerted authorities.

Oh! Must have been the lady I passed screaming in the hall.

What? There's a fine line between "hostage"

and "off your meds" in this building.

So, a SWAT team is going in for the other two still upstairs,

but we need to evacuate the building first. So let's go.

All right, can I put a few things away first?

You know, because I want the place to look nice

if there's gonna be police in here.

Look, miss, whatever drugs you're hiding here,

I couldn't care less. We need to get out now.

You know, you're just my type of guy.

You don't mind my drug use and you're already here.

Oh, yeah!

You girls ordered a cop stripper for my bridal shower?

Oh... Oh, yeah!

Here comes the bride all right!

Yeah, come on. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. See? Look, he likes me.

I cannot believe I live in this building

with a man who would do something so awful.

Also, cannot believe I live in this building.

You know who I think it is?

Smells Like Cats But Has No Cats.

Really? He doesn't seem like a go-getter.

I think it's Three Nipples No Nose.

Three Nipples No Nose? He's a delight.

-Sophie, isn't this upsetting? -It sure is.

I couldn't get that stripper cop to take his pants off.

Hey, look!

There's some of my shower guests.

-Sophie. Hi. -Look.

And that one's my friend Natalya. The one I told you about.

Yeah, there's all that extra skin.

(GROANS) You were not exaggerating.

She was born with all that skin.

She had a chip clip on her back all through high school.

Yeah, I know that guy upstairs is a real bummer,

but you know what would help?

If I could open my presents! Yeah.

-No! -Sorry, you can't go through, ma'am.

The fuzz isn't letting them through! Come on.

No fair. They just let a guy in here a few minutes ago.

Just because your friends aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

they can't get in? Boo!

Hey, look, ladies. Pass your presents up to the cops.

Cops, pass my presents to me.

Wait, Sophie, before you open them,

I really wanna write down who got you what.

And save that pretty ribbon. I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

Look at you.

Making lemonade out of a maniac

holding three innocent women hostage.

A gift card.

(GROANS) Send it back.

Sophie, we would've taken that.

I don't know what it was for. I just know we would've taken it.

No, I'm sending it back. I want a gift, not another errand.

Oh, yeah, not in love with the paper, but...

Well, I'll wait till I open it to judge.

Hi. Excuse me? Excuse me?

I'm Maria Alonso Gonzalez.

Could you ladies talk to Channel 2

about tonight's disturbing discovery?

-No. -Yes.

Just go with me and my business savvy.

Yes, Maria Alonso Gonzalez, we can answer a few questions.

Were there any signs at all

that something of this nature was going on in your building?

We just hope they bring this sick freak in our building to justice

so that we can return to work at Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Get on the door. Here he comes.

Who is it? Who is this sick freak?

(SIREN CHIRPS)

It's not me...

is it?

I'm not sure. What are the charges?

Different sick freak.

Hey, Rula, Uma, Greta, look!

This is him. This is the groom-to-be.

Forget about the guy upstairs,

this is the real maniac in the bedroom!

That's him? Beer Belly Gym Shorts?

-Never would've guessed. -Oh, no.

He's wearing one of our shirts.

Why? Why?

Why is he wearing a medium?

I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

Police have just apprehended the suspect

and the question on everyone's mind is,

"What does Max's Homemade Cupcakes have to do with this?"

-(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) -We have no comment.

Or future, or deodorant.

So leave us alone!

How did they know about this dump, next door to the other dump?

As I'm saying it, I realize our career is made up of two dumps.

Sounds like our career has been drinking too much coffee.

The story is all over the paper.

They're calling those ladies "The Cupcake Captives,"

calling that guy "The Cupcake Captor,"

and calling the whole thing "The Cupcake Catastrophe."

But you need not worry about it

reflecting badly on your cupcake business.

Oh, no! It's even in the fashion section.

There's a picture of our shirts and it says,

"What not to wear, ever."

Okay, everybody calm down.

I'm mostly talking to myself.

The media is gonna do its thing.

I've been slandered in the headlines before.

I was called "Ponzi Princess," "Bankrupt Barbie."

Looking back, those were the best of times.

Oh, hello.

I was just about to take a tray of Max and Caroline's

out to my reporter friends.

MAX: Sorry.

You can give those Max and Caroline's

to this Max and Caroline.

Hi, everybody.

I'm depressed.

See, you can tell because I'm only wearing half my hair.

Girls, I found this box outside your door.

And I was hoping it was a shower present.

Since those selfish hostage girls ruined my special day.

Man, I didn't even get a freaking ribbon hat.

Do you want the tube top I made out of the police tape?

I'm calling it a tape top.

Patent pending.

Come on, you guys. This isn't about us.

We need to put this all in perspective.

We're all safe, and healthy, and... Oh, my God!

Just when I can't take anymore, here comes anymore.

"We are returning the remainder of your t-shirt stock.

Our Rodney brand cannot be associated with a product

at the center of an ongoing criminal investigation.

Consider our contract null and void."

This is so shocking.

Max, you can read?

So you just didn't want to tell people the specials.

I can't believe this.

We waited so long for something to happen

to our cupcake t-shirts.

Why that guy?

And on the one day he chooses

to not wear his "Pull my finger" shirt.

This is Maria Alonso Gonzalez, reporting to you live...

Max, what are you doing? They'll see us.

No they won't.

Because all the cameras are on Han right now.

Can you talk a little bit about the women

behind Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

Let's just say Max and Caroline are allergic to work,

much in the same way Dilbert is allergic to Mondays.

(CLEARS THROAT) Moving on, Maria Alonso Gonzalez,

would you care to come into The Williamsburg Diner,

6355 Bedford Avenue, open 8 a.m. till 2 a.m.

for our signature drink: The Cupcake Captive Cosmo?

And for you gents, The Captive Cape Cod?

Hey, get these cupcakes out of the garbage.

I need to make room for Han's body.

I'm keeping the head as a warning to others who cross us.

We need to take back our t-shirts' image by setting up

an interview with the news. And by "we," I mean you.

Look, if I learned one thing from my time on Cops,

it's that I can hop a fence in three seconds flat.

If I learned two things,

it's that the camera makes me look guilty.

Especially when it's a security camera at Banana Republic.

I can't do it.

The world can't know that Caroline Channing

is involved in another high-profile crime.

And hasn't kept up her nail maintenance, like, at all.

Fine.

Because if I learned three things from Cops,

that it's best to surrender early and not naked.

We really appreciate you taking the time to talk to us.

If you really want to thank me,

how about I get some pixels up over my grill?

I got some kids looking for me and they don't need the help.

We don't have the capability to do that.

This is live TV.

How about one of those voice-distorting machines?

You know, make my voice sound like a fat Transformer.

Um... no.

No problem. I'll take care of that myself.

Been in this sitch before.

All right, in three, two...

Good evening.

-In Williamsburg... -Max, I'm right here if you need me.

-I got this. -...shocking "Cupcake Captives"

story, I'm here with the owner, Max Black.

Hi, Maria.

Max, how upset were you to see that Richard Griffin

was Max's Homemade Cupcakes' biggest fan?

-I was really upset. -Okay. Hi.

Stepping in.

Max is clearly so upset by all this,

that she's lost her mind.

The one time I really needed her, anyway.

Hi, Maria.

How will your company's reputation recover

from doing business with a man who held three women

in his apartment against their will?

Look, people do terrible things.

And they do them wearing shirts.

That doesn't make the shirt evil.

Now, if a shirt commits a crime, lock it up.

You'll get no argument from me.

-Should I jump back in? -I got this.

Okay, yeah. That's all the time we have.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Caroline, thank you for trying to throw me a shower.

I mean, we were never really friends or close.

And, yeah.

I run away when I see you heading

toward the mailboxes the same time as me--

Please stop thanking me.

Hey. Want to come to our place?

Those pig's feet haven't gone bad.

I guess. It's hard to tell.

Yeah.

The best meat's under the toe nails.

Is it?

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God! What's all this?

Oh, no, I'm so surprised. No, I really am this time.

-So am I. -Me, too.

Until this sausage, I thought the grossest thing

I'd ever eaten was kale.

My God, I can't believe it. Could anything be more wonderful?

Max, I can't believe you did all this.

I thought you came to do what you usually do when you get depressed.

Get drunk and throw the finger at people from the stoop.

No stoop. But I am drunk.

You think I could've done this sober?

I just figured, with everything around us being so black lately,

I thought we needed a little pink.

You're right. We did.

Because our t-shirt business is over.

We still have to pay that bank loan. Now, what?

We'll figure something out. We always do.

Hey, girls, come quick.

We're gonna play "Guess Sophie's Favorite Sex Position".

(CHEERING)

It's on all fours, watching How To Get Away With Murder.

See? I told you I was gonna win.

And it just got black again.

Yeah, real black.

This is wet. Max, did you already eat this?

I told you I don't like a strawberry center.

I am not gonna beat myself up about it.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0