All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e13 Great Unwashed

Welcome to the Williamsburg
Diner Awards Night.

And here's your host,
Neil Patrick Hairless.

This is the night where everyone
is recognized

for their, well,
let's call it "work."

Nice suit, Han. I loved you
in The Penguins of Madagascar.

Here we go. The award for

Worst Excuse for Being
Late to Work goes to...

Earl for, "I died."

It was true.

I was dead
for a full 60 seconds.

And the Foreign Film Award
goes to Oleg,

for always being covered
in a foreign film.

Yeah.
I have so many bacteria to thank

but a special shout-out
to streptococcus.

And the winner for Best Lie Told
to Get a Bigger Tip goes to...

Good luck, girl.

It's an honor to share
this category with you.

...it's Max!

For showing customers pictures

of her three small children
on a regular basis.

Wow!

This award is dedicated
to the lights of my life.

Maxine, Max Jr., and Maxi-Pad.

I know only one of you can see
and hear me,

so please tell the others
I love you.

And the award for Best Waitress
goes to...

-It better not.
-...Caroline.

No!

Well, I guess it's true.
Women only win awards

when they take on roles
that are humiliating.

And the Best Animated Short
goes to Han Lee.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Here's your menu.

I'll be right back with your water
and a stomach pump.

Keep it.
I know what I want.

Me too.

But it just seems like
Taylor Swift

is never going away.

Yeah. You're funny. Yeah.
I'm not in the mood for funny.

I will take tomato soup,
house salad, extra croutons.

And you can charge me extra

if you have no heart
behind those gazongas.

It's cool. The guy
at the counter has no teeth,

so you can have his.

Less funny, more salad.
Okay?

Maybe the blonde one
should bring it.

Oh, you want her to bring it?
Maybe clear your calendar.

Uh, the lady in the booth
doesn't like my attitude

and wants you,
so I guess what I'm saying is:

I still got it.

Wait, a customer asked for me
and didn't follow it

with, "I'd also like
to see the manager"?

That's a first for me.

Yo, Blondie! Croutons!

Pick up.
Tomato soup, house salad.

And I'm also running a special
on D batteries.

Buy both, and I'll thrown in
this bootleg copy

of Horrible Bosses II.

Here comes "Horrible Bosses
Too Small."

You need some new batteries
to keep walking and talking?

No, Max, I'm not powered
by double Ds like you.

Preach.

Don't buy batteries
from that guy

unless you want your heart
to stop on the bus.

Oleg, this is supposed
to have extra croutons.

It's for my regular.

Yeah, you heard me.
It happened.

Oh, no, Extra Croutons
is here again?

Make sure you charge her extra.
I'm not made of stale bread.

No, you're made of Legos, right?

We are not charging her extra.

She looks like
she can't afford it.

If she could, why would she
be eating here?

Well, don't judge a book by its
cover. People look at me and--

Think you're bad in bed?
What's your point?

For your information, Max,
I'm not bad in bed.

In fact, I'm quite the stud
in my Sims community.

You wouldn't be a stud
in a retirement community.

(OLEG RINGS BELL)

Hi. Here's your salad...

Five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10. Continue.

...and I wanted
to introduce myself.

I'm Caroline,
you're regular waitress.

Ah.

Oh! My turn. Sorry.

I live alone, and my plants
aren't this needy. I'm Nola.

And this is Max.
Max, this is Nola.

-'Sup, Lola?
-It's Nola.

See, this is why I like
the blonde one.

She listens.

-May I please have a cheesecake?
-Sure. And thank you, Nola.

I think it's important
to listen to people.

Coming right back
with that cherry pie.

I'll tell her
if she ever stops listening.

I think Nola knows
I'm more than just a waitress.

She can see right
through this uniform.

And so can I
in just the right light.

-Close the door.
-Oh, my God.

-Sophie, you scared me.
-You're scared?

I just saw the expiration date
on this milk.

And, Max, come on,
close it, quick.

I'm in here hiding from Oleg.

If you wanna get away from Oleg,
just go where they sell floss.

I think that Oleg
is cheating on me. Look.

Oh, God. Now she's gonna start
whipping it out?

Look.

He has a second secret phone.
It's a boner phone.

-You mean a burner phone.
-Same thing.

Sophie, how do you know

he just doesn't use it
for long distance or...

Or for the woman
that I'm calling right now?

Oh, put her on speaker.

I've nothing else to do.
I'm at work.

WOMAN: Da? Oleg?

(GRUNTS)

Oleg?

(GRUNTS)

That is a terrible Oleg.

He is not that articulate.

(WOMAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

(GASPS) That old whore.

-What did she say?
-I have no idea.

I don't speak Russian
but I do speak old whore.

Tell me, what is his problem?

He has a sweet,
young filly like me at home

and he needs to go out
and plow some old Russian field?

Well, I'd ask what you three
are doing in here

but it's never gonna top

what I'm imagining
you're doing in here.

I can't believe
Nola didn't come in tonight.

This is exactly what happened
with my Starbucks barista guy.

One minute, he's suggestively
arranging the bananas at me,

and then next minute,
he's face-down, dead

in a puddle of soy milk.

Max, what if something happened
to her?

More croutons for us.

She said,
"I'll see you tomorrow."

That doesn't mean anything.

It's just an expression like,

"Employees must wash hands."

Or, "The baby is yours."

Hey, everybody.

Oh, Sophie, it's just you.

You're poor.
And now we're even.

Look, I stole it again.
Where's Oleg?

I'll tell you where he's not.

Culinary school.

He's on break.

Oh, she's gonna be sorry.

(GRUNTS) No one comes between
Sophie and her man.

You know, unless we pay them to.

Uh, couple things.
A: Does anyone ever work here?

Caroline, stop worrying.
Extra Croutons is fine.

She just called to order
some diner food to be delivered.

Oh... So she wants
to die at home.

I said we don't do deliveries.
I told her

you two can barely get the food
from the window to the tables.

Max, I had to stop by

and bring Nola
her salad and croutons.

I mean, she's kind
of my biggest fan right now.

True, because you just lost me.

I know you think this is crazy

but there's something about
the way Nola looks at me.

It's like
she's seeing something in me.

The woman wears two pairs
of glasses.

To her, you're just
a chatty yellow and orange blur.

I was told you didn't deliver.

By who, her old boyfriends?

Are you two gonna kill me
or something?

Because if you are,

I would like to put
on a different hat.

No, no, no. She got worried.
See, you're her first regular.

I'm just here for the story.

I figured there'd be something
freaky behind this door

like a 50-foot python
and what's left of the UPS guy.

And Earl guessed you were a man.

No man. No, just me in here

with my vagina
and my photographs.

You're a photographer?
I love photography.

And I love privacy.

And I love pot.

Oh, I thought
we were going around.

Come on.
You better come in too.

You're the Yin to her Yap.
Hey, careful where you step.

I can't find
my third pair of glasses.

-It's on top of your hat.
-No, no, that's my fourth pair.

Hey.

This is Billy the bum.
He used to live in a box

around the corner
from my apartment.

He even let me stay over once

when I had to get away
from this bad roommate.

-Oh, the one before me?
-No, it was you.

You two are a riot together.

You remind me of me

and my old photographer friend,
Annie Leibovitz.

-Course, this was before--
-Before she got famous?

No. Before she hit on me.

I told her I wasn't into girls.

But I think she was confused
by the derby.

Yeah. I think we're all
a little confused by it.

Nola, I wanna ask you
if you've ever had any success,

but I don't know how to do that
without insulting you.

That's correct. You don't.

Oh!

You're having a gallery show
in SoHo?

Good-bye.

It was nice of you two
to come over, check on me.

I think weird but nice.

Perhaps we could come
to the opening.

Oh, you don't need to do that.

I know we don't need to
but maybe I wanna support you

and your amazing work.

And Max would enjoy
the free wine.

-Yes, I would.
-No.

Oh, I would.

No as in, "No, don't come."

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I wanna eat my croutons

without the vaudeville stylings
of "Shecky" and "Nosy."

Here.

Oh, yeah, good.
I was looking for this.

I can't believe you're doing
all this for a diner regular.

I haven't seen you
this desperate

since Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I know.
On the weekends, I just give up.

Look that title.
"The Great Unwashed."

Are Oleg's balls here?

Max, it's the "art scene."

Class it up.
At least say testicles.

-Evening, ladies.
-Earl, what are you doing here?

And, Han, your sweater's
eating your head.

I'm here for the champagne

and because I couldn't find
my way out.

I just walked
into a picture of a door.

Some of these are going
for thousands of dollars.

That Nola bitch is rich

and I bet she has
a frigging summer house

made out of my free croutons.

Han, it's the art scene.
Class it up.

At least say "freaking."
Also, "testicles."

Well, I'm not wasting
this new turtleneck on you two.

I'm going to go mingle.

A high fashion model
was giving me the eye.

Then she'd have to be high.

Uh, Han,
I believe I'll stay here.

Nobody wins with a
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

as a wingman.

-Oh, hey, everybody.
-Hey, Sophie. Hey, Oleg.

So can I class it back down now?

Sorry we're late.

I was just over there
admiring the photo

of the happy couple
under the bridge.

Happy couple?

Sophie, they're two junkies
sharing a needle.

Yeah, well, at least
the lady junkie knows

where his needle's been.

I don't even think
she knows her name.

She knows more
than she's letting on.

She knows everything.

Yeah. You guys had been here
a while.

Where's the best place
to steal some food?

-Max.
-Sorry, sorry. Classing it up.

Testicles some food.

Oh, Max, I can tell
by your sassy demeanor

you haven't seen
your photo yet.

What photo?

I didn't bounce
any checks here.

Yep, that's me, all right.

I recognize
that "I don't care" pout

and the Thousand Island dressing
in my hair.

Max, just because you're hanging
on a wall among the poorest,

most lost souls in our city
doesn't mean your life is...

I'm hanging right behind me,
aren't I?

Oh, my God.

It could be worse.
You could be naked.

This is worse than being naked.
I'm wearing polyester.

It's bad enough
I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.

Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan
and these guys didn't even tip.

No, no, no, it's a photograph,
so it's more symbolic.

It's called "Waitress"
and I'm holding a check pad.

What do
all these blue dots mean?

Is my picture in trouble?

That's how many times
your print has been purchased.

Over here, Max, away
from that pathetic blonde lady

in the waitress uniform.

Would you relax?
No one even recognized you.

No one?

What about that art critic
who said

that my smile on the photo
was a study of tragic,

foolish optimism in a hopeless,
dead-end life?

Oh, him.

Hopeless, dead-end life
and then worse, no one buys me?

I'm not even a success
as a failure?

You're totally a success
as a failure.

Then where are all
the blue dots, Max?

Fifteen people bought you.

Whatever you do,
don't turn around.

Look at these dots.

I am going home
with all these people.

Men, woman, black, white.

It's like a key party

at Joe Namath's house
in the '70s.

Hey, Shecky.

Why are you putting the dots
by your friend's photo?

How many extra croutons
can you buy

with the buttload of money
you're making from these photos?

A buttload.

Okay, okay, I get it,
you're mad. I'll tell you what.

I will give you a free print
of your photo.

Look, keep the photo.

I don't wanna picture of me
marrying ketchups.

I don't wanna picture of me
marrying anybody.

But you can pay me back
another way.

I told you. I'm not a lesbian.
I just wear hats.

Your friend said
you hate your photo.

No. I enjoy
being secretly photographed

while I'm stealing someone
extra, extra croutons.

For the record, I never saw
your smile as foolish.

I saw it as-- Just a little big.

I'm trying to pay you
a compliment.

Well, you failed.

All this time,
when you looked at me,

I thought
you saw something special,

but all you really saw was
someone reading the specials.

I have a question for you.

Okay, fine.
I wear the derby

because I have a little bit
of a bald spot.

Why didn't I sell?

The picture sucks.
It was one of my worst.

If you're still trying
to give me a compliment,

you're still failing.

Look, a good photograph
captures the truth.

And I guess no one really
believes you as a waitress.

That is the single nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

So it's not where you wanna be,
I get it.

Look, it's taken me 50 years
to be where I am.

And you are still so young.

That is the second-nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

The road is long and trust me,
it can be really hard.

So whatever you do,

you hold on
to that foolishly hopeful smile.

And your funny friend.

-Yes?
-Yes.

Everyone, tonight we are witness

to the amazing work
of Nola Anderz.

Why don't we all just stand here
quietly for a moment

and let Nola's pictures speak.

(CELLPHONE RINGS)

That's my phone.
Where is it?

Baby, why is my phone
in your bra?

Shh, please.

It's your secret phone.
I know all about it.

You took it? Give it to me.

Who is she, Oleg?
Who is this skanky old whore?

Security! Security!

What? No, no, no!
Stop, stop! She has my phone!

No, it's his boner phone,
everybody.

It's his boner phone.

And you had the testicles
to think

I was gonna embarrass you.

Hey, Sophie.

Hey, girls. Did you hear that?

It sounds a little bit like--
I don't know.

The sound of cheating.

-You guys haven't made up yet?
-Don't make up here.

No. I slept on the couch.

I missed her so much,
I watched a rom-com

while eating a whole box
of her edible underwear.

Still not talking to me, Sophie?

For the last time,
there's nobody else but you.

-I use that phone...
-Yes?

-...to...
-Go on.

-I use it to call...
-Cut to the chase!

...my mother.

Is there no one
he won't sleep with?

I didn't tell you
because I didn't want you

to think I was a mama's boy.

Except when we play
"Mama and Boy."

Well, I'll tell you
what I told that girl

at the Yankee Candle store.
I'm not buying it!

It's true, Sophie.

I'm afraid I'm losing my hair.

Oh, Oleg.

But don't you know--

I mean, you could be balder

than Jeremy Piven was
15 years ago

and I'd still love you.

(CELLPHONE RINGS)

Where's my...

Busted.

Caroline,
I have something for you.

I'm not signing another one

of those giant birthday cards again.

It's my picture.

Great. Now I have two of you
that don't wait on tables.

"Thanks for the croutons.
Nola."

Max, where are we gonna hang me?

Maybe you should hang yourself
in the bathroom

like I thought you would
three years ago.

Yep. I lost 20 dollars
on that bet.

You know, Max, maybe I have
to stop running away

from this part of my life
and embrace it,

see it as part of my journey,
my beautiful, exciting journey.

If you don't shut up,
I'm gonna hang you right here.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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