All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e07 Girlfriend Experience

Max! Caroline!

Look, here comes Han
carrying an iPad Mini.

Or is it an iPad carrying a mini Han?

Han has a mini iPad?

We can't even afford a maxi pad.

I am so upset.
I'm stuck in a lie.

Well, it's better than the time
you got stuck in that backpack.

Seriously, you guys. I'm in trouble.

I just opened this email
and my mother is coming to visit.

You have a mother?

I thought you came to life after
a kid in a toy store made a wish.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Han, your mother's coming
all the way from Korea to see you.

-Isn't that great news?
-Is this the face of great news?

See, my mother thinks
I have a girlfriend.

My father still thinks
I wasn't in the car

when my friend hit that grifter
in the Hamptons.

She thinks I have a girlfriend
because I might have told her I did.

Did you or didn't you?

I... I might have.

And I might have sent
my mother pictures of someone

and told her
she was the woman I'm dating.

Han, you might
have catfished your mom?

I might have.

Catfishing. Right.

That's when you pick up
a woman in a bar

and when you get her in the light,
you realize she has whiskers.

PS. Doesn't bother me.

No, catfishing is when you pretend

to be someone you're not
on the Internet.

You know,
like everyone on the Internet.

All my mother wants
is for me to be happily married,

like my father and her.

All my mother wants
is a cure for Hep C.

Look, here she is.

"Korean beauty June Kim,
aka Sapphire"?

Han, you chose a prostitute?

She's not a prostitute.
She has a website.

Yeah, and I know a guy
with business cards

whose "job" it is
to relax your rectum.

It says she's an exotic dancer at
this gentlemen's club in Manhattan.

So just go there and hire the hooker
to pretend to be your girlfriend.

And there's a sentence
I never thought I'd say!

I tried, but the bouncer told me
to wait in the alley for my mother

like all the other children.

So I was hoping you guys
could go for me.

Han, we are not doing that.

Strip clubs, lies.
That's not my scene.

That's not your "scene"?

You have a scene?

What is your scene, Caroline?
I haven't seen your scene.

In fact, you haven't seen
your scene in two years.

Trust me, this is your scene now!

Oh, I understand.
Just one question.

Did I or did I not let you have
the cupcake window rent-free?

Wow, Han.
That's a cheap shot.

Low. Bitchy. I respect that.

We'll go to the strip club,
but if it's nude, nude, nude,

I am leaving, leaving, leaving.

That's the first time
Han's ever been able

to hold something
over someone's head.

Sapphire
will be right with you, ladies.

Thank you, my good man.
Give me a 20 from Han.

You gotta tip at these places
or they'll murder you.

Thanks, doll. Yous twos
can have a seat on that couch.

Oh, no.
No, thank you.

I'm not catching....

Not catching
"sypha-gonna-titus" today.

Well, if a whore's bath
is appropriate anywhere, it's here.

Max, please be professional
when she comes in.

No sexual comments.

Considering she's used
to walking in on dudes

who have their junk in their hand
like a sad present...

...I am sure I can manage
to not offend her.

I'm just saying
that despite where we are,

let's remember
she's a businesswoman like us.

The chairman of the board is here.

Hi, ladies.
You ready for a good time?

Been waitin' my whole life.

Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Caroline Channing
and this is my colleague, Max Black.

Yo, how's this gonna work?
I don't do two at a time.

So who wants to watch,
who wants to ride?

Oh, right.
Neither of us will be riding, per se.

Hold your roll, girl. We're spending
a lot of Han's money here.

If I want a ride, I'm getting a ride.

Um, is it June or Sapphire?

You can call me Paul if you pay me.

June, we're not here for a dance
or any of the other things you do

that I don't judge you for
because I'm very open-minded.

I've been to Amsterdam.

I'm on camera so I gotta dance for
someone or my bosses will fire me.

And then it's back to waiting tables.

Told myself
I'd never sink that low again.

Yeah, we say that every day
when we get dressed for work.

Okay, sit. Let's do this.

It's fine.
I think I got all the stains.

(GASPS)

It's official!
We've paid Han back.

Um, could you turn
the other lights on?

She's allergic to the truth.

(DANCE MUSIC STARTS)

So, June, here's the thing.
We have this boss--

Yeah, girl, work that!

I'm being encouraging,
businesswoman to businesswoman.

Anyway, his name is Han Lee and,
see, his mother is coming to visit.

Oh, nice move there.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I wasn't encouraging.
Just commenting.

Oh, peek-a-boo!
There's your head.

Anyway, he needs a girlfriend,

so he sent his mother pictures of you
and said you were his girlfriend.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)
I think it's her turn!

So, the gist is he's willing to pay
you to pretend to be his girlfriend.

And I'm willing to pay you to show me
how to do that with my hips.

Ooh, you would make a great stripper.

I know.
I just have a fear of success thing.

-Can we turn the music off?
-(MUSIC STOPS)

'Cause I'm getting disoriented and,
in all honesty, a little turned on.

And... I cannot be a latent bisexual

with everything else
already on my plate.

How much?

Whatever your rate is for sex,
but you won't even have to have sex.

At the most, just kissing.

-Kissing is 500.
-I love you.

Okay. I can give him
the Girlfriend Experience package.

He has no girlfriend,
no experience and no package,

so that sounds perfect.

Here, Earl, when my mother comes in,
pretend you are reading this.

Ooh, The Bible.

You know, I remember
when this first came out.

Didn't think it would be a hit.

Earl, we're talking about
our Lord, Jesus Christ!

So no sign of
mama-say-mama-sah-ma-mama-Han?

I don't know.
I don't know what she looks like.

She's here.

-Oh, Ma!
-Han!

I can't tell if she's a smaller him
or if he's a smaller her.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

You must be Han's mother.
I'm Earl.

I was just reading The Bible.

'Cause when am I not?

Mother, this is Caroline.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Hey-oh!

Caroline,
I didn't know you spoke Korean.

I took it as an elective
after I mastered Japanese.

I had a hunch Asia
was gonna take over the world.

And congratulations!
Right on track!

Caroline, your Korean is very good.

And this is Max.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lee.

What does that face mean in Korean?

It means zip up your top.

Here, Mother, sit.
You must be hungry.

I'll get you a menu.

That's weird. These usually
bring joy to the people.

Han Lee, where is your girlfriend?

You'll meet her at dinner tomorrow.

She wanted to be here,

but with church
and all her work in brain surgery,

she's very busy.

And I thought it was unrealistic

when you had a girlfriend
that didn't need an air pump.

Han, what are you thinking?
How are you ever gonna pull this off?

With the help of my two best friends?

Oh, good.
Who are they?

Please, have June come to
your apartment and we can brief her.

Well, if it's with you,
it's gonna be brief.

Remember, you owe me.

No, Han. At that club,
I saw a pregnant wall, so....

I think we're even.

(KEYS JANGLING)

If I'm here to meet June,
why am I blindfolded?

So you can never find your way
back to our apartment again.

But I have your address
on your work forms.

No, you don't.

Max, I think he can take it off now.

It's been an hour
and we spun him around three times.

Well, someone's been
to a flea market.

And it smells like pot in here.

So I smoked up a little before work.
I got to.

My boss is a real butt munch.

(BUZZER)

Okay, our call girl is here.

Another sentence
I never thought I'd say.

I look like I've had a call girl
before, right?

Han, you don't look like
you've called a girl before.

I need to calm down.
Do you have any chamomile tea?

No, because I'm not a divorced woman
on a balcony in the fall.

But I do have something
that will help you relax.

Ooh, you mean....

Yes, I'm gonna lull you to sleep
with a tiny, invisible whistle.

So, June, are you working your way
through graduate school or something?

No, I like getting paid for sex.

I mean, what's a handy
every now and then

if it pays the mortgage on my
Parkview Terrace apartment, right?

Life is so funny sometimes.

Just when you think you're better
than someone, you're not.

Here we are, all relaxed.

And that was wild,
like getting your hamster stoned.

Okay, June, this has all the details
that Han sent his mom about you.

You told your mom I'm a
Harvard-educated Christian doctor

and also
a renowned classical pianist?

Yes, we met at church
and are crazy in love,

but we're waiting till marriage.

Oh, well, the Virgin Experience
is a thousand.

-Will you take 800?
-Max!

What? I was unconscious when I lost
mine. I wanna see what it's like.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, I hope that's pizza
'cause I could go to third base

on some crazy bread right now.

No! It's Sophie.

I asked her to bring down
some crosses for June to wear

when she meets your mom.

What? Sophie knows I hired
a prostitute to be my girlfriend?

No, I didn't tell her anything.

But this will be a good test
to see if you two pass as a couple.

Hey! What's Han
doing with that hooker?

Sophie, this is June.

We hired her to pretend to be Han's
girlfriend while his mom's in town.

(LAUGHS)

(POLISH ACCENT) Oh, wait, so his mom
is supposed to believe

that their parts match up somehow

and that's a fun thing for her?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, LOL!

Oh, that's one of those things that
you think about later and you laugh.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Look, look, Caroline, look.
I brought you your crosses.

Sophie, do you have anything smaller?
It's a date, not an exorcism.

Oh, well, then you gotta say that.

All right, I'll be right back.

(LAUGHS)

You see? I'm thinking about it later
and I'm LOL'ing!

Well, I gotta go. I got this.

But that's a lot of material.
You don't wanna stay and cram it?

How much for that?

No, it's cool.
I can fake it.

You're sure you can fake it?

Can I fake it?

(SEXY VOICE)
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

(FAKING ORGASM) Oh, God! Oh, God!

She's sure.

I wonder why Han
and his girlfriend are late?

Maybe something came up
and she had to take care of it.

That's actually probably exactly
what happened.

I hope my hair looks all right.
I'm wearing it the other way.

-It looks pretty.
-Yes. Very pretty.

I am just so excited that my Han
finally found the perfect girlfriend.

Oh, you know, his June is
a brilliant brain surgeon.

Well, she certainly knows
a lot about head.

And she also goes to church
every Sunday.

Yep, that girl
is always on her knees.

Oh, and she is a classical pianist.

She is making this too easy.

Oh, there they are.
Han! Han!

And girlfriend of Han.

Mother, may I present June?

June, this is my mother, Su-Min Lee.

Please, call me Su-Min Lee.

Which means, "so mean to me."

(STIFF SPEECH)
It's a pleasure to meet you.

I've heard
such a great deal about you.

Oh, and Han has told me
how you two met.

What a beautiful story.

Oh, yes.
That was beautiful when we met at....

-Upstairs on the roof....
-Church!

We met in church.
Upstairs on the roof of church.

We wanted to be closer to God.
We are both so holy!

Is it hot in here
or is it just the situation?

Oh, look, the appetizers
Mrs. Lee is paying for are here.

Before we start on the appetizers,
June, please pray.

-I don't know any prayers.
-No, no.

I'll do it, Mother. But first,
please, can I get a Moscow Mule?

Go, June. Please, pray.

Oh, God.

(SEXY VOICE)
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

ALL: (LOUDLY) Oh, God! Oh, God!

(SHOUTS) And amen!

Oh, okay.
I-I don't know that one.

Hey, I am starving.

That's quality.

Such a good appetite.
You ate the whole thing.

Didn't even chew.

(APPLAUSE)

June, the piano is free.
Oh, you must play something for us.

-No, she can't play.
-Yes, but you told me that she was--

I mean, now.
I mean, she can't play the piano now.

Look, look, Mrs. Lee.

The Chrysler Building.
It has the word "Christ" in it.

Hey, Han, you dropped your knife.

You better calm down.
You're gonna blow it.

You can't afford to blow it.
You can't even afford to kiss it!

I'm getting tense all over again.
Help a brother out.

What, you think I just carry
that stuff around with me in my purse

in an Altoids container with
a Lisa Frank unicorn sticker on it?

Max, what is going to happen?

I've got a more pressing question.

How does someone with a mouth
so small get a joint so wet?

When June cannot play the piano,
Mother will discover my lie.

It will be a big, big disappointment.

I am the star of my family.

So, if your family were the Jacksons,
you'd be Michael?

'Cause I see you more as a Tito.

Actually, Petit-o.

Han's mom is right behind me.
She saw you two come in here.

I tried to stop her, but she has
strength and it is all core.

Han, hide!

I'm sweating through the price tag
and I have to return this.

If I'm going down,
I'm going down high.

If it's 500 for kissing,
you can't afford to go down.

What is going on
between you and my Han?

You two have been whispering
all night. Poor June.

Poor June? Poor June
lives in a doorman building.

Mrs. Lee, I think you might have
gotten the wrong impression of Max.

No, she is after my son
for his big successful diner.

Oh, you have another son?

I am on to you.

You are just a... a money-grubbing,
big-booby, dirty, nasty girl!

Well, I wish I could say
you were wrong.

Mother, stop!
You cannot talk to Max like that.

-She is a good girl and a friend.
-Wha..?

Okay, yes, you caught me.
I smoke weed.

Yes, I'm living the fast life
in New York City just as you feared.

Wha..?

But I only toke up
when I am under a lot of pressure.

See, Mother,
I don't have a girlfriend.

June is a prostitute
I paid to pretend,

so you would think
we were happy as you and father.

Give me that.

Wha..?

I too am
under a lot of pressure, son.

The truth is your father and I
are no longer together.

He had an affair with another woman
who has big fake ones like her!

Max's breasts are real, Mrs. Lee.

Mm. God bless.

Mine are too,
in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

Son, are you disappointed in me?

Mother, are you disappointed in me?

No, Han. You are the star
of our family and my heart.

I love you.

Aw, me too.
Okay, that's enough.

And another problem solved by weed.

Hey, Han's mom, it's puff-puff-pass.

(PLAYING PIANO CONCERTO)

Am I super high
or is that whore playing the piano?

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0