All language subtitles for still waitings in the wings ENG

Shut up in there!

-Anthony...
-Huh?

I can hear you from the subway.

I've been working on
my projection.

Ah, I
think that was my best yet.

Don't you wonder what I'm going
to be doing, roomie?

Not really.

Well, why are you gonna read the
news? When history is being made
right here in your living room.

Besides, this is my prop.

Fine. What are you
up to this time?

I'm making the world's greatest
video submission, ever.

-Again?
-Again.

This better not be like the time
you made that video tribute to
the musical, Cats,

and you had
to pay the city 900 bucks just
to cut you down from that tree.

It was 864 dollars, and I'd
rather not talk about that.

Besides, this
time I have the help of my
boyfriend and your girlfriend.

Rita is involved?

Rita is involved.

And I am making a cinematic
masterpiece.

Wait, why are you dressed
like a mime?

Ha-up! I am a French
director. Ha-ha-m.

Well, I didn't think you'd be
that into making Antony's video.

I am that into looking cute.

-And you do. Ooh-la-la!
-Purr.

Thanks for getting all
the video equipment.

Of course, babe. I know this is
very important to you, so I'm
going to make you look so good.

-You're the best.
-You're the best.

Okay, stop kissing.
We gotta get going.

Lee! Okay, put the camera here.
Anthony, we'll have you there.

-A little to your left. Great.
-Ready?

All right! Everyone, let's
soak in this moment.

-Lights! Camera! Action!
-Nah, no, no, no. That's my
line. Just say, 'take one.'

Take one.

Okay.

Can you go do the thing?

C'mon. You first. Head down to
the one train.

I have your MetroCard.
We'll get you lunch afterwards.
Okay, this is great.

Made of glitter, who can act

I don't know who they are.

Tap break.

But there's no singing!

-I'm just saying.

But mostly great

Good job, babe.

What's this video audition
for, anyway?

Oh, it's to get a singing waiter
gig, down at Caf� Broadway,
with Rita.

You know, I'm gonna go
download this right away.

Uh, technology's not your
friend, so I'm gonna help you.
All right?

Wait a minute. I thought Anthony
already had the job at Cafe
Broadway.

Shh shh! He does.

But I want Anthony to feel like
his talent got him the job.

He has been
auditioning for months, and has
not booked a single gig.

Are you telling me we spent all
day running around New York City

to film a video for a job he
already had?

And to build his self-esteem.

Yet again, I find myself saying,
'Thank you, Rita. We'd all be
lost without you'.

I'm lost now.

From page to stage
to your plate.

Caf� Broadway, Times Square,

is here to celebrate musical
theater, through music and food.

For starters, may I suggest the
Angela Lans' pear and berry
salad.

New on our drink menu is
Fraulein Maria's tea, served
with jam and bread.

If you prefer an adult beverage,

everyone loves our Carol
Channing raspberry martini.

Or perhaps our Into the Woods
'greens, greens, and nothing
but greens!' salad.

On a sweet note, try our Beauty
and the BeastGrey Stuff. It's
delicious.

Again, my name is Gina...

And if you need anything

Ladies and gentlemen,

the premiere of Theatrical Food
Experience in New York City.

The one and only Caf� Broadway,
Times Square!

Come on.

With service to match

With bread

A while, service smiles while

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!

Get me out of here!

Oh Jesus!

Get the row!

More like a nightmare!

Me too!

That's how they're seasoned.

I love my job.

I love my life!

What does rancor mean?

Here comes the kick
line, oh my God!

A while serving smiles

-Hello, I can't-

First national tour?

Close the curtain!
Now, now! Close it!

I can't believe this
shit is my life.

-Ow, ow!
-And now you die.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait.

If you kill me, I can't tell you
who I got as a replacement.

Ow, ow, jeez.

I'm listening.

Okay. Now I knew that I might
get this call today.

'Cause I mean - c'mon!

But it just so happens that I
met an extremely talented
performer,

straight off the boat from
Idaho.

-Who-da-ho?
-You-da-ho. Ah-ha-hah.

Anyhow - anyhoo, he's sitting
out in the audience right now
watching the show.

Oh, Bradley, psst!
C'mon, get in here.

Guys, this is Bradley.

Huh! He's so tiny! But on the
plus side, it doesn't look like
he'll eat much.

Hey, he's a perfectly
normal height.

Well, yeah, from your angle.

-Hey, a person's a person--
-No matter how small.

Seussical, the Musical! Ahrens
and Flaherty. Open November 30,
2000.

Oh! He's good.

Do you sing?

Do you dance?

5, 6, 7, 8.

You're hired! Like
I had a choice!

Peoples, you know what this
means. An added put in
rehearsal tomorrow.

Aww!

Remembering that each and every
one of you is clearly
replaceable.

Okay, we're gonna be here early.

Listen, listen, I won't
let you down.

Sweetie, you already have.

Ow, ow!

I'm gonna ask Rosie if we can
do a duet together.

She says all
the girls are too tall for me,
but you'd be perfect.

Okay, thanks friend.

You're welcome, friend!

Oh! Aah!

And this new guy, Bradley, and I
are like kindred spirits.

He
knows everything about Broadway.

He's the same height, and he has
tons of energy.

It's like we're
the same person.

Well, I'm glad you're
happy, dear.

Not to mention, I'm not the new
guy at Caf� Broadway.

So I thought, maybe, I could get
a solo.

If that happens, I sure hope you
can help me with my costume.

Hmh! It's not like I have anything else to do around here.

Please! You, not busy?

I know my best friend, and she's
always busy.

Besides, isn't the
annual Halloween talent palooza
coming up?

It's the Harvest Festival
Spectacular now.

Church politics.

I'm sure you'll have a fantastic
costume for your performance.
Besides, aren't you excited?

Oh, honey! It's just a--

Darn it, doll, I miss you!

It's not the
same without you here, dear.

Montana has one less star in
the sky now.

Well, then you've got a lot of
work to do.

Because you need to
shine for the both of us.

I do need to plan a trip home to
visit, but until then,

we just need to keep really
busy, so we don't focus on how
much we miss each other.

I guess you're right. Yeah, it's
about time!

Good night, my
sweet prince of Broadway.

Good night, my Apostle of
Episcopal Theatrics.

She actually is amazing!

She is the best!

-Is this seat taken?

-Ssshh!

That's my girl!

Lucky her!

Hey, you gonna eat that?

I was!

Why is she here?

It's only a matter of time.
Between our talent and
connections...

Connections?

Interesting!

She's singing about me.

What?

She's singing about me.

Would you refrain from speaking
with my food in your mouth?

She's singing about me.

I thought we'd established that.

You were amazing out there.
Everyone loves you.

Aw! Did I sound okay?

Okay? You brought
a tear to my eye.

Sweetie! What are you
doing here? Muah.

I thought I told you I don't
want my loved ones seeing me at
this...

-Oh! Mmmhhh!
-I love it.

It's just that a few months ago,
I was starring in an
off-Broadway show,

and now I'm
slinging hash off-Broadway.

Well Rita, we're in Times
Square. So technically we're
even closer to Broadway.

Ha-up, shh, why don't we keep it
down an octave or two, sunshine?

Spit it out, Tony. Why are you
in my place of regrettable
employment?

All right. I wanted you both to
be the first to know.

I will be officially starring in
the acclaimed outstanding
daytime drama,

All Of My Days And Most
Of My Nights.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a
minute! You booked a soap opera?

A soap opera?

Outstanding daytime drama.

I know, I was speechless too.

Our lives are just really
starting to take off.

I mean, you have the outstanding
daytime drama.

I have Caf� Broadway.

-A soap opera?
-Daytime drama.

-Oh my God!
-I know.

-Oh my God.
-I know! And I start tomorrow,

and the best part is, I didn't
even have to audition.

-What?
-Nope.

The guest director, he saw
me at the gym, had me read a
few lines, and boom!

And so came the ex-stripper to
tell the wait staff of his
illustrious career.

Yeah, just go to the
gym, and you get--

I'm gonna kill myself.

Guys, c'mon. Hey, we're all
actors here. Right? Rita?

Well, you're an actor. I'm
pretty sure she's just a server.

My mother and I used to watch
that soap opera every day when I
came home from kindergarten.

It made me gay. Or at least
that's what I tell her at every
Thanksgiving.

You! Out! You're pulling focus.

C'mon, everybody. Let's go.
Let's go! A hungry audience is
an angry audience. C'mon.

My roommate's gonna
be a TV star!

My boyfriend's gonna be a TV
star! Mmuah.

Okay, now get out. Go. Go. Go.
Congratulations! I love you.

You just keep pretending that
you're happy for him.

I'm sure you're gonna be able to
convince yourself of that.
Eventually.

This is the perfect
place to find a Halloween
costume

for your new stripper act.

Rosie is so sweet for letting
us come in here.

I know. There's so many perks to
working at Caf� Broadway. Oh,
how about this one?

Anthony, I'm a stripper.
Not a teacher. All right?

But do you have to
show so much skin?

We met when we were stripping
at the club together.

That's because of a casting
mix-up. And that's before you
were my boyfriend.

All right, check this out.

Oh, sexy sports thing! I love
the new hockey costume.

Hockey? You serious?
It's football.

Ah! Tomato to-mah-to.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Did you just successfully
reference a musical?

-Mm hmm.
-Perhaps a Broadway costume for
your new stripper act.

Do you know what's really
sexy? The Sound of Music.

Uh! Chicago. Sweet Charity.
Gypsy?

Hm, baby steps.

Ahhh, if I was stripping again,
I'd be sexy Phantom of the
Opera.

Just think of the
theatrics. I could literally
fly in from the chandelier--

There's only one way to
shut you up. Isn't there?

Huh?

Then again, I love
the sports thing.

Ladies and gentlemen
and boys and goons!

Are you ready to be
horrified? I know I am.

Monster thrives! They're alive!

They're alive! And they're live
on stage!

My precious.

Here we go now!

Now don't be frightened

Fasten your seatbelts, it's
gonna be a bumpy night!

Yeah!

-Oh, yeah!

Of course, I'm at the
Club Apple. It's Tuesday night.

Not to mention, Lee is doing his
new football stripper number.

I told
him he should add jazz hands,
but he said maybe next week.

Anyway, how are you feeling?
Did you find any new projects?

Sorry to interrupt your valuable
bi-weekly Skype time, Ms. Ethel.

But now that Anthony's not
stripping with us anymore,

I sure do miss your
snicker doodles.

Well, then, I'll just have to
fix up a batch -- especially
for you, Brian.

Thank you, Miss Thing.

So how are you?

I'm good, I'm fine.
I took your advice.

Good.

- I feel great.
-Great.

And I found a prot�g�.

What? I don't think I ever
said anything about--

Oh, he's wonderful. He really
is. As a matter of fact, he
reminds me of a young you.

I don't recall saying
anything about--

Say hi, Jonathan.

Hi, Jonathan.

Ha-ha-ha. LOL!

He's really funny too.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I've heard so much about you.

I told him everything.

Everything?

Everything. Is it really true
that after moving to New York,

you ended up in a strip show
because of a casting mix-up,

only to end up roommates
with Tony the stripper,

who took
your Off-Broadway gig, all
while finding your true love?

Yeah, that's the gist of it.

Man! When I get old, I wanna
have adventures just like you.
Ha-ha.

Where's your stripper boyfriend?
I've seen pictures of you two.
He's hot.

Just lucky, I guess.

Why are you so lucky?

Hi, Lee!

Oh hi, Ethel! When are you
coming to New York for a visit?

Well, you know, it would be a
lot easier for me

to see both of you if, um,

you were living together.

Uh, Ethel, I love this guy. But
don't you think it's a little
too soon?

Keep me in mind if you plan on
doing any kind of moving. I got
the muscle.

Will definitely keep
you in mind.

All right, Lee. I'll let you off
the hook, for now.

But Jonathan
and I really do have to get
back to work here.

-Okay, bye, Ethel.
-Bye, Ethel.

Bye, boys.

What's wrong?

I can't believe Ethel's working
with this new kid.

I mean, the talent show
was our thing.

And it always will be. But
now it's their thing too.

Their thing?

Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.

Plus, he's not very nice. He
called me 'old'.

You're not old. Because you
are the same age as me.

Well, I sure wish you worked at
Caf� Broadway. You get to see a
lot more of me!

And I wish you would put your
G-string back on, and keep
stripping with us.

Hah! Then everybody would see
more of me.

No, I'm happy for my
time of metamorphosis.

But this caterpillar has
cocooned into a Broadway
butterfly.

You've been sitting on that
line for a while.

Mayhaps.

I wish you come back to the club
and add your pure taste of, um--

-Saccharine?
-Na-ah.

Pure sugarcane.

Thanks,
Kelsey. But I'm trying to focus
on my theatrical sound.

Oh, baby. There's nothing more
theatrical than the world of
high drag!

Hahaha! I love you,
Boo Boo. Good to see you. Bye.

Listen up, ladies, the trio goes
in tonight.

Which means Rita's
solo is bolt.

The thing is, I'm not so
sure this song is for me.

The thing is, maybe it's not
for you. That's the problem!

Not every song can be a solo.
Welcome to the chorus, princess.

Awkward.

So, I told him. Look, Mack, I'm
not prepared

for a clothes-off audition for
Nonsense, the Musical.

So he goes,
'It's a national tour'.

And so obviously I drop trout
like a sailor on leave.

That's so terrible.

I know. I didn't even
get the part.

Cattle calls are for cattle.
That's why I have an agent.

Nobody, I mean, nobody sees the
twins -- until after I get the
part. Hah!

Uhm, hey! Love you forever if
you'd give me the deets on your
agent, my diva.

This diva belongs to the world,
but sure. I'll text you his
info.

Um, Rita, you never gave
me your agent's info?

You never asked.

Knock on the door and it shall
open unto you. And if not, use
the side gate.

I'm surprised you wanna do the
whole agent thing, you know,
with your specific type.

Please! We're the
exact same type.

-You take that back.
-Whoa!

Hah! I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Hah-ha-ha! Sings,
dances, and acts!

No, no, my dear.

Who are ya? Ugh!

I'm your fairy god-chorus-girl.

Oh, are you here
to grant my wish?

Um, na-ah!

This new song is great.

Good. 'Cause I have another new
song to replace Patrick's solo.

Oh! That must be mine,
if I'm not mistaken.

Actually, you are.
It's for Anthony.

For me? Oh, for me?

Ah, yes, yes. Well, for now,
work on it

and I'll give you the green
light as soon as I think you're
ready.

Okay, that is it. You
leave me no choice.

Bippity Boppity, pas de bour
ree. Chorus boys who are
eternally gay.

El el a nam en a bushel
and peck,

Give these nice girls
A reality check!

I wanna kickball change!

Yeah.

-I wanna sing some
background oohs.
-Yeah.

I wanna stand here and move my
mouth as if I'm having a
conversation.

Peas and carrots, and peas and
carrots, and peas and carrots.
Yeah!

-Prairie man?
-Um-hm.

-Sounds rabid!
-Um-hm.

You want me to butch it up?

You're an actor. Act butch!

Rita! Rita, that number
was so cute.

For a trio! Mr. 'I got a solo'.

How'd you know that?

Because you kept singing, 'I got
a solo', 'I got a solo' while I
was on stage!

Oh, was I in the right key?

No, you were fading in and out.
But that is why I've decided to
help you,

with your solo number,
by becoming your voice teacher
extraordinaire.

-Aw, Rita!
That's so sweet.
-I know.

-But you don't need
to help me at all.
-What? Why?

Because I already booked a voice
teacher.

Well, once Rosie gave
me the solo,

I grazed over the
call board, and I found the
voice teacher to the stars.

So why would you need me, right?

Right. This little birdie
has left the nest.

I'll give you a little birdie.

Hey, hey, hey, Rita! Hi! Hey!
Bradley.

Uh, listen, I-- I was
just wondering.

I was backstage
at the call board looking for a
flyer for a voice teacher,

and somebody took the last one.
I mean, what am I gonna do?

Ask Anthony. He took it.

Well, you know -- hey, you know,
it's just as well.

Because you know, look,

anyone that has to beg for
clients by hanging up flyers,

is probably not that
good anyway.

I mean, I need to
study with a working diva.

I mean, if only you would offer
lessons. God!

Me? Offer lessons!

Are you kidding? You're amazing.
I mean, I would kill to study
with you.

Well, if you really need help--

Rita! I need you!

I need you.

I will be at your apartment
tomorrow morning 9 AM sharp.

-You don't know where I live.
-Don't bore me with details.

Okay!

Okay.

How was that?

Let's try your last line again.

And remember the words should
always mean something.

Got it. I feel it this time.

So 37th time's the charm.

Per chance, if you were to
keep your feet planted.

But Mr. Nelson, surely a
little kickball change--

This is a vocal lesson,
Mr. Richardson.

-But Mr. Nelson--
-Once again, and really land
your last note.

E-e-e-e-e-e-e. And
make your tone a little more...

More...

You know what? Just,
just more will be great.

Prrrrrrr.
Prrrrrrr.

Yeah!

Or perhaps less.

Thank you, Mr. Richardson,
great work for today.

-I can do it again.
-I don't wanna wear you out.

-But I can--
-I don't wanna wear me out. Just
please have a seat.

Steven, you're next.

So was it that bad?

Eh!

Eh plus or eh minus?

Umm, mediocre plus.

Oh, an upgrade.

Hi everyone. My name is Steven.

Are you working the runway
or your voice today?

Do I have to make a choice?

Very cute. But you can't rely on
your charm in here. Just your
vocal instrument.

So, what will you
be singing today?

'A Boy Like That' from
Westside Story.

Ooh! A little risky,
don't you think?

I mean, Mr. Nelson tells
us never sing songs associated
with a Broadway star,

and that song definitely belongs
to Chita Rivera.

I'll take my chances.

I admire that. Whenever I try to
take chances, all I'm met with
is strong critique.

Oh! Well, I found it's hard for
people to hear you

when you're
so busy singing and...

Dancing.

Ooh, aah, eeh, aah!

You see? Close your mouth.

Do I have to separate you two?

Oh my gosh, you are Chita
Rivera! What are you doing in
my voice lesson?

You either use it
or you lose it.

What if I never had it?

Years ago people told me I
would never star on a Broadway
show.

-They did?
-Yeah. I mean show business
is rough.

I mean, it's a doggy dog
world out there.

-Really?
-I want to tell you that it
gets easier.

-Once you hit your stride.
-Well, that's good to hear.

That's what I wanted to tell
you. That's not true.

If you want your dreams, you
have to fight for them.

You have to
fight for you. Can you do that?

I'm scrappy.

How did it feel to
win the Tony Award?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask Tony?

Oh my God, you carry
it with you?

Well, wouldn't you?

-Uh, yeah.
-Yeah.

But this one time I met Shirley
Jones, and she said she carried
her Oscar in her heart.

Oh, that's a little lazy. But
don't you tell her I said that.

-Oh, I won't.
-You either.

I feel more talented
just by touching it.

-Oh!
-Hm, you'd have to eat it.

Ooh! Tough crowd.

Oh, that's actually a step up.
Most people tell me to suck it.

-Hah! Oh God.
-Shut up!

Sorry!

Theater etiquette. Anyone?

Can I ask you something? Do you
think I'll make it to Broadway?

Look, you're talented.

The only thing you need to know
is never ever give up.

I mean, not everyone likes curry
the first time they taste it.

You're such an inspiration.

Well, can your inspiration
have her Tony back?

Now, that was a-ma-zing!

But what about my husband?

-Your husband. Ugh.

Yeah, come in.

Mr. Richardson, you
have a surprise.

Surprise?

And--

I wish someone loved
me this much.

Why thank you, Denise.

Oh, you know my name.

Denise? I don't even
know her name yet.

Well, it never hurts to
add that human touch.

Okay, what are you guys
really doing here?

We're here to teach you how to
succeed in show business
without really trying.

But I am trying.

We believe in you.

What did say about
touching my keyboard?

-No touching?
-No touching.

All right. Guys, thank you, but
I really need to concentrate.

Last night, while Anthony was
working on his little ditty--

Showstopper.

--semantics. I put all
your dialogue on these!

I love you so much right now.

Oh! Down boy, we
have work to do.

What if I blank out again?

I will be there for inspiration.

And I'll hide the cue cards.

In that getup?

It's a vest and bowtie!

Ah, welcome,
Mr. Tony Richardson.

I'll make you feel
part of our happy family.

Ah, who are you two?

We're his assistants.

I'm his Swedish masseuse, yeah.

And I'm his musical therapist.

-Really?
-She bribed the guards.

-Good going, Judas!
-You two behave.

-We promise, we will.
-Yeah.

Ah, Tony.

-Yeah?
-Don't suck.

No prob, Bob.

It's Jefferson, but
you can call me Sir.

And this is your leading lady,
Delores D'Amboise.

Or as the
world knows her best,
Dr. Vanessa Van Thorne.

It's a pleasure. I'm sure.

Let's hope you are.

And that's --
Places!

I think she likes you.

-Hmh!
-It's diva intimidation.
I've used it myself.

I'm used to Broadway egos. But
from a TV star? I'm not a fan.

What did you just say?

I said, I'm a big fan. Big fan.

No! Little person, you're
not that big.

Ew.

Chita Rivera was way
more inspirational.

Oh, right. I was just discussing
that with 'Julia Andrews over
high tea!'

-No, I really did meet
her at my voice--
-Sound speed.

Camera!

Action!

Come in quickly.

The door opens inwards.

Why, yes, it surely does!

I came as quick as I--

Dr. Van Thorne!
Where's the patient?

Sh sh sh sh.

Inside voices. We
don't want to be found out.

Let them find out.

What of your identical twin
brother, nurse Doug Blundell?

I couldn't rip apart
a family -- again.

I don't think it matters.
Since he has -- amnesia.

Yes, I know.
You won't let me forget.

He's not the man, that I
fell in love with anymore,

and he's certainly not -- you.

And, that's a wrap!

Like lightning
in a bottle.

Oh, that was a lot better
than I expected.

Yeah, thanks. Ah, could we get
one more take?

You know, one where I don't have
a problem with the door?

Well I've got 40 minutes more

to shoot in this episode, so --

No.

They take care of that in post,
sweetie. That's what editors
are for.

It's nothing like live theater.

Live theater? Oh, no,
no, honey we get paid.

Are you sure I can't just do my
one-man interpretation of
Oklahoma?

Do you have the rights
to Oklahoma?

No. But--

Go. Now! Go, go! Go, go.

Gonna have to start drug
testing these kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Whoa! Where do you think
you're going?

On stage, Rosie, where else?

Does Anthony know this
is a duet now?

Please, he practically
begged me.

Can I go now?

You may pass.

Thank you.

Gonna drug test each and
every one of them.

Huh?

What?

Ohhh!

This was supposed to be my solo!

Duets are twice as grand. Now
stop fighting me. I'm trying to
help you.

I didn't know your number
was a duet now!

Neither did I.

Neither did I. Look, here's the
thing. Rosie wanted to turn it
into a group number--

--but I knew how much
it meant to you.

So I begged her to let me save
it with some simple harmony.

Oh! And it worked!

Anthony, you
should really be thanking Brad.

Trust me, I know all too well
the sting of a group number.

Don't mention it.

Hello!

And he stole my solo.

Slow down, honey. I can't
understand a word you're saying.

He stole my solo. Solo stolen.

Well, did you talk to the
producer?

Rosie? Why bother?

He said it
was her idea to save my number
with some simple harmonies.

Well, at least, were
they good harmonies?

Well, some of them were quite
lovely.

He made some really
interesting choices.

What? What? That is not the
point. I mean, have you ever--

Honey, I know this is upsetting.

But the show must go on.

I am sure that Bradley will
never outshine you.

I don't know about that.

Remember, your star will still
shine, even in the darkest of
nights.

Ethel, what would I
ever do without you?

Well, let's not find out.

Thanks Ethel.

Was that Anthony? Again?

Yes. I think it's time for me to
plan a surprise trip to New York

to see Anthony.

No, wait a
minute. I can't do that.

I'd miss the Harvest Festival
Spectacular.

We'll just have to debut
at the Christmas cantata.

I can't do that to
you, Jonathan.

Whatever! I have chess
club anyway.

Hey, everybody. Gather out.
I got some great news.

Hooh! What's all the excitement
and how does it affect me?

Yeah, what happened this time?
Are they naming the soap opera
after you?

Outstanding daytime drama. And
no, it's not about me.

Then whomever could this
good news be about?

It's about Anthony!

-It's about - Anthony?
-Me?

Yeah. You know, you've been
coming down to set and helping
me with my lines.

-Uh huh.
-And how you made friends
with that AD lady.

Her name is Denise. Yes. Go on.

And how you been kissing
ass to Delores D'Amboise?

Well, you call it 'being nice'.

Oh, c'mon -- just say it
-- you tell us what you -- tell
us what it is--

Well, they offered Anthony
a line in the show.

Oh my God!!

What?

I'm going to be your team B.

Rita, if they gave Anthony a
line, I wonder what they gave
you!

I mean, they only have one line,
and Denise thought that Anthony
would be perfect for it. So...

Does someone smell diva burning?

Are you okay?

Okay?

Okay? I'm over the moon,
happy for Anthony, he made it.

Had to happen to someone, right?
And why you? I mean, why not
you?

You're my prot�g�, so it's
really like me succeeding.

How do you figure?

Yeah, who are you playing
in the soap opera?

Oh, I don't know. Hey,
Tony, who am I playing?

Oh, you're playing -- A CNA.

A CNA!

You have no idea what
that is. Do you?

No, I do not.

It's a certified nurse's
assistant.

Oh, it's a certified
nurse's assistant.

Here's the script. And
here's all the details.

You do realize why they can't
put you in the soap opera,
right?

My diva, you'd outshine
the stars.

I'm happy for Anthony, though.

As well you should be.

And maybe
when he calms down a little bit,

he'll thank you for practically
gift wrapping that part for him.

It was your idea to go down to
the soap opera in the first
place.

I have a souffl� in the oven.

Ugh! Hmmhh!

I feel better now.

I'd better go check on her.

I just wanna say, I'm proud of
you, friend.

Hey, don't you have someone you
want to call? Share the news
with?

You're right. I got
to go tell Ethel.

Hello, did somebody call
for a sponge bath? What?

Hello! Did somebody call...
for a sponge bath?

Hello, did somebody call?

For a sponge bath?

Well, yippee oh ki yay!

-Lee!
-Hi! I came to help you
practice your lines.

Well, 'line' technically.

-You did? How thoughtful.
-Well, you thought of it.

-I did. Didn't I?
-Yes, you dork.

-Let's get to...
-Hello, friends.

Oh, hi, Bradley. This is my
boyfriend, Lee. He's here to
help me with my lines.

Well, 'line' technically.

Oh, look, there's exactly three
actors in this scene. Shall we?

Oh, that'd be great! Okay.

Right.

Why nurse Blundell, I didn't
expect to see you in here!

How so, Dr. Van Thorne?

I mean, so fully clothed.

Oh, Dr. Van Thorne starts
to unbutton his shirt.

Oh, we can skip the whole
stage direction stuff.

You want the scene to crescendo
to your line, don't you?

Well, uh, yeah, I guess...
but just pretend.

But what of my brother? He
might get his memories back.

Ah, forget him! He
certainly has forgotten us.

Nurse backs him
into the call button.

And we're 'pretending'.

-Oh!
-Keep going.

Oh, no! I've accidentally
activated the call button.

Who cares?

You're already here.

Hello, did somebody call
for a sponge bath?

No, that's a hoot! No, although
they may or may not want
the new CNA

to be played as a
Dickensian street urchin.

Oh, that was just
one take on it.

Well, let's start
the scene again.

-Oh, no! I got it from here.
-No, I really don't mind
helping.

Oh, no. I don't want to take
any more of your break.

And you? You need to get back
to the club.

-I don't have to be
there for a while.
-We'll work on it more later.

Okay.

Until tonight.

Dramatic!

That soap opera really has
influenced you, hasn't it?

Hasn't it, though?

I finished my Halloween
costume, Broadway boy!

Ho-oh, that's some costume.

And now that I finished with
mine, I thought I could start
on yours.

A little much for me, but I
think you look adorable.

Oh, c'mon! Couples costumes
are so much fun.

Focus on what's important.
Like, your line for the show.

Oh.

Hello! Did somebody call
for a sponge bath?

Okay-hey, um, I think it needs a
little more gravitas.

You remember how the scene
escalated when we practiced
with Brad?

Uh, how can I forget?
He kissed you!

The kiss was in the script. As
an actor, I think that you
would understand.

Oh! So you're an actor now!
When did that happen?

You know what? I'm not sure
what's gotten into you lately.

First, you think Jonathan is
trying to steal Ethel from you,
and now this Brad thing.

I think you're being a little
paranoid.

Or am I?

Yes, that's exactly what a
paranoid person would say.

I'm not yelling!

I know
you're in a soap opera.

Outstanding daytime drama!

Whatever! And I know you meet
beautiful women. All I'm saying
is, I don't have to meet them.

Oh! Shut the front door.

I didn't know you were Daytime
Digest's 'most eligible
bachelor'?

Well, the show's marketing team
said if the fans think I'm
available,

which I am not...

Just try to think of it
as a lesson on how to deal with
the press

when you get your - oh, hi
guys - your big break.

It doesn't bother me.

I love my
successful boyfriend.

You know what else I love?
Good news.

And I have great news for
Anthony.

Sing, my angel of music!

Remember how I gave your
real info to my agent?

Sing to me!

-Well, he came to the
cafe to see the show.
-You never told me.

-Don't interrupt!
-Sorry.

And he agreed to rep
you on a trial basis.

-Oh my God! Oh my
God, oh my God--
-Yes!

Babe, that's great news.

Just be sure that you don't take
a romantic lead

because someone
might pretend kiss you.

Hey, you should tell your new
agent about the gig on my show
on Thursday.

Tony, do you have to make
everything about your freaking
show? I'm going to bed.

Oh, hoo!

My bed.

Aw.

Congratulations, super-thingy!

I'm - 'Broadway Boy'
for Halloween.

You're Broadway Boy for days
that end in 'y'.

Good night, boys. I'm off like a
horse corset.

Secretly, I think she's excited
about everything. Very, very
secretly.

Are we okay?

Yeah, sure, we're great.

Once you apologize for kissing
Bradley, right in front of me,
nonetheless.

You're being ridiculous.

Ridiculous? I'm ridiculous.
'Broadway Boys' ridiculous.

Anthony, please, enough!

I'm your boyfriend. Have a
little faith in me.

Wait! Do you
not trust me?

You're making it really
difficult for me.

That wasn't the answer
I was hoping for.

It's not that I don't want to
trust you, it's just--

You know, I think Broadway Boy
should revert back to his alter
ego, Lovable Anthony.

Because when you're acting like
this, the only superpower you
have is being petty.

I'm gonna go home.

I think, uh,

a little time alone would be
good for both of us.

Way to go 'Broadway Boy'!

The worst superhero to hit
Broadway since Spider-Man.

Lee, thank goodness you're here.

Now Bradley's trying to take
over my dreams!

Don't be ridiculous, Anthony.
Bradley's just trying to help.
Hah!

So that's how you do
it! Mind control.

Every super villain needs a
superpower. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Teresa, but maybe something

Les Mis�rables,

Hairspray, singing 'You Can't

Stars do when everything goes

Once again

Kelsey?

One inch, just like Jean

And Fantine, she

Ah! Oh!

Because he knew just what a

Oh my gosh, I'm Broadway boy!

Ha-ya-ya, ya-ya-ya-ya! How the
heck do you forget that?

I don't even remember
how I got here!

Whatever! Prepare
to be destroyed!

Oh, no, no, no. Get away,
not yet, not-- no!

Chorus, we could handle what's

Broadway nightmare again?

Maybe?

-Did you win this time?
-Maybe?

Ethel? Ethel, are you there?

I can't see you. You're touching
the camera again.

-Boo!
-Ohhh!

Ethel? What!

Oh my gosh! What are
you doing here?

I couldn't miss your big day on
my favorite TV show.

Lee helped
me plan the surprise trip the
day you found out.

Thanks, Lee.

Yeah, of course.

Ethel, why are you
in full costume?

Oh! Ha-hm-hm!

Well, her red-eye got in early.
So we decided to play dress-up.

Ta da!

Kelsey got bored.

Oh, all right, you caught me.

I was bored. But ain't no drag
queen I know need a special
occasion for a hot drag!

Halloween in New York
is so much fun!

But, what about Jonathan?

And the Harvest Festival
Spectacular?

Oh, well, we probably have to
debut with the Christmas
cantata instead.

Did it break his heart? I mean,
did he cry and stuff?

No. Actually, he said it was
fine, which kind of bugged me,
but it is what it is.

Anyway, I can't wait to fill you
in on the entire history

of All Of My Days
And Some Of My Nights.

Ethel, you don't
have to do that.

I don't have to. Honey,
I get to! C'mon!

Okay.
Oh my gosh, she's gonna help me.

Bradley! Such a news
I have for you.

Is that the Jewish side coming
out or are you doing a Yoda
impression?

What is it, my goddess?

Maybe you should ask
your new agent?

-Aaa!
-You're on probation, but you
semi-officially have an agent.

What? Aaa! Hehaha!

You rock my world! Oh yeah, I'm
so glad we are besties. Hah!

Oh, Anthony!

Listen, I'm sure you're gonna
get an agent one day soon, okay?

Buck up, buddy.
It's gonna happen.

It already did. I'm on the
same probation you are.

Oh!

Ow!

-Great.
-Mm-hmm.

That -- that is really great. I
guess that agency really needed
people, huh?

Birthday time! Let's spread our
joy to another special guest
celebrating life.

Jesus, Anthony! Somebody
probably lied just to get some
free cake.

Oh, no!

Yes! They did.

Hey chef!

My table forgot they
have a shellfish allergy,

so
they wanna try the corn chowder
instead of the clam chowder.

Who forgets they have a deadly
allergy?

Tell you what, I'll
boil them some nice hot water.

Bet you, they're allergic to
that too!

Oopsie-poopsie! Heheh!

Oh!

Uh, chef-y, what's this?

Soup.

No, I mean -- this.

-Huh?
-I thought your secret
ingredient was love.

Who put a cell phone in my soup?

Um, Anthony, that looks
like your phone.

Oh no, it couldn't be mine.
Mine's in my safe spot right
up--

Your safe spot is on the spice
rack above the soup?

But how could it fall in?

Your 'safe spot' is 'on' the
spice rack 'above' the soup.

Y'all should probably
put that in some rice.

I think potato works best for
the cream-based soup.

It's for the phone, nimrod.

Look, I think the important
thing right now is to say a
little prayer

that the phone still works.

I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine, right?

It's not fine. It's
disgusting. Get out!

Gosh chef, you don't
have to get so mad.

Yeah, his phone is probably
ruined, but your soup always
tastes disgusting.

-Get out!
-Oh! Ah!

He scares me.

One.

-Uh, just a second.

Oh! Hey, Denise. Just
going over my lines.

You were working out in
front of the mirror again,

I could hear the kissy
noises from down the hall.

I'm sure I don't know what
you're talking about.

Fine, Tony, you were rehearsing
with your script upside down.

That's not why I'm here.

Um, where's your friend Anthony?
He's late for his call.

I've been trying to get ahold of
him for over an hour.

Did you, uh, call his cell?

No! What a brilliant idea.

Here, let me give him a ring.

This is what I get for working
with all pretty people.

You know, maybe he went to the
wrong studio.

They all look the same, right?

Yeah, that's why they
have numbers on them.

Yep, you're right.

Direct to voicemail.

You know, I'm sure
he'll show up, eventually.

Eventually isn't on the
schedule. If I don't have a
CNA, the scene gets cut.

Huh! Well, can't you just use,
like, one of the extras, just
in case?

They're background actors, and
we don't just store them on set
for a speaking role.

Plus, he'd need to fit into his
tiny costume.

Hi, Tony.

Look I know I'm really
early, but look,

could you give
these to Anthony from all us
actors down at the cafe?

Actor?

How tall are you?

How tall would you
like me to be?

You're short, you're here,
you're hired. He goes on for
Anthony.

He's a friend.

It's his big
break. Oh, it will kill him!

On the other hand, I could
probably squeeze into his
costume.

All right, I'll do it.

Wait, does this mean there's
gonna be two CNAs now?

Action!

Hello--

I'm ready for my
close-up, Mr. D--

Somebody called for
a sponge bath?

That's a wrap.

This means war!

I know! It's amazing!

She's amazing.

Oh, but I really should
put this away.

I don't want Anthony to get
jealous, poor thing.

Why would I be jealous? I've met
Chita Rivera, and she told me,
'never give up'.

Oh-ho! Can we see her pictures?

For the hundredth time, I've
told you, you cannot take a
picture during a voice class.

Bubbeleh, come to mama, love.

No, no, no. Self-soothing
today.

O-ow!

You know, Bradley
feels awful too.

I'm sure he does.

I really do, friend. Did
you get my message?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I just -- you can't know
how sorry I am about--

what happened.

I know, I got all your messages.
It's just a little hard right
now.

I understand. I know you've been
avoiding me all night,

and I'm just really sorry this
has been so hard for you.

All I'm saying, it seems an
awfully big coincidence.

Anthony, I think you're angry at
yourself.

And maybe a teeny bit
jealous of Bradley.

You think I'm doing this
because I'm jealous?

Frankly? Yes.

Well -- well --

well, I think
you're jealous of Tony. Ah!

Jealous?

Of a soap opera?

A soap opera?

I won't even
dignify that with an answer.

That's a first.

It's not my fault I feel more
than ordinary people.

Emotions just flow out of me.

If they flowed anymore, you'd
have to stick two tampons up
there.

You know what? No
one said, 'talk'.

Oh Anthony, I just -- I really
don't want this to mess up our
friendship.

Don't worry. This will
in no way affect our--

Everything is fixed.

-I find it difficult to do a
dance number without dancers.

Get your asses on stage!

Uh, where do you think
you're going, sugar tits?

On stage. Didn't you hear?

Ugh! New kid gets the dinghy.

-No, no. I thought Anthony
was gonna--
-Yea-tat-tat-tat-tat.

I don't
think you heard me. 'New kid'
gets the dinghy. Strip.

Strip? What? C'mon!

C'mon, man!

Rosie, Rosie darling, as your
number one patron, I feel I can
ask.

Do we really need a dick song
during dinner?

Is that what that's about?

I think it's open to
interpretation.

And the Captain's

Hey, Anthony.

Look, look, I'm really sorry
about that bump just now.

Honest mistake.

C'mon, I really want us to be
simpatico again.

And it'd be really
awkward at the audition tomorrow

if we couldn't at least be
civilized to each other, right?

Leader the Leprechaun audition
is on Thursday.

No, not that.
The baseball film audition

that the agency called
us on --

called me on --

Oh dear!

How awkward.

Like Damn Yankees? Is it Damn nkees
? I've done Damn Yankees.

You could say that.

Uh.

Boy, it just really is too bad.

I mean, I guess the agency had
to pick one of us, and --

I can't even make it.

How awkward.

Well, um, just gonna put my
phone in my safe spot.

No soup pots around here.

Guess we all learnt from
that little fiasco, heh.

Do it.

Huh?

Do it. You know you want to.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Stow it, mate.

You got a mutiny to execute
before you go down
with this ship.

So you believe
me that Bradley's sabotaging me.

Tat-tat-tat-tat.

Don't think I'm
getting little soft on you, but
I believe in the Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you would like
them to do unto you.

And what
has he done unto you?

He stole my part.

He stole your part.

So you want me to steal
his audition?

Yes! Fight shenanigans with
shenanigans. He said he can't
even go to the audition.

Yeah, but I don't have
all the information.

Well, I'm sure all that
information is right there in
his phone.

I couldn't.

Oh, I see! You think your phone
was just suicidal,

and just jumped into that pot of
soup on its own.

Huuuh!

Then again, he did leave
it out there just for us.

Do unto others...

Do unto others...

Ah-ha-huh.

Do that again, you lose that
hand.

So -- baseball scene,
huh? Same old crap.

Well, if you would catch instead
of just hitch, it might switch
things up a bit.

Oh-ho-ho. We know you don't
have enough money for that.

Stitch in time saves nine.

That doesn't even make sense.

I know it doesn't.

We don't even have enough
money for writers.

Excuse me.

Yeah!

What can I do
you for, shortstop?

Uh, do you have a Bradley
Rogers here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Well, he is now!

Whatever that means. Here,
fill out this release form.

I think you mean audition form.

Call it whatever you like,
munchkin, just fill it out.

You got a jockstrap under that
uniform?

I have a dance belt.

Jockstrap!

Well, I sure hope they don't
test us on our baseball skills
for this one, huh?

I'm sure that's not the kind of
skills they're looking for.

I sure hope you're right.

I mean
I was in Damn Yankeesonce,

but I don't know if they're
going the whole Fosse route on
this thing.

'What is your biggest asset?'

Um, more flexible
than a rubber band.

Ooh! Prove it.

-Ooh!
-Oh! Oh!

That's what he is here for.

I may not have the power other
people possess, but I have
stamina, believe me.

And I always go over the top to
show my passion.

Top? Uh, more like bottom.

Heh-haha!

I've never seen any of your
movies. Are you new to the
industry?

You found me out. This is my
first cinematic endeavor.

I usually just perform my craft
on the stage.

Ooh kinky!

Hardly!

Right now, I'm just
serving the masses,

but I'm hoping to get more picky
once I'm discovered.

-Well, you're in the right
place.
-What's your, um, specialty?

I'm pretty versatile,
but probably dance.

I used to dance before
I made adult films.

Oh! Did you do kid
movies before that?

Anyway, which dance style is
your specialty? Tap? Ballet?

I'd call it more 'modern.'

Heh-heh-heh.

Well, you lost me there,

but you still must share that
personal love of contact with
the audience.

You know, that feeling
when you're nailing it,

and you just know you're --

uh, n-nail -- nailing it,

and there's no
greater feeling in the world.

What do you think about
during your--

Show tunes, show tunes,
and more show tunes.

Ah, it's like
I'm on cloud nine.

Yeah, more like outer space.

-Heh-heh. Ha-ha.
-Why? What do you think about?

Well, I usually imagine that I'm
being taken over by a motorcycle
gang in a dark alley

wearing only fishnets and a
grimace of ecstasy.

Edgy!

To each his own, I suppose.

He seems like more of
a Sondheim fan to me.

Why are we all just
standing around? Time is money.
Give me this.

You forgot to fill out
cock size under measurement.

Oh, I'm sorr-- What?

All right! Tushies up,
trousers down, gentlemen.

-Three--
-It's the left or right hand?

Whichever.

Hello.

Hi, Lee. Hey, it's Bradley.

Hey, listen you may or may not
remember me,

but I work with Anthony, down at
the Caf� Broadway.

Of course. Brad, how are you?

Good. Listen, you may not know
this, but Anthony and I --

things have been a little off
lately.

And I was just thinking,
maybe if you and I could get
together,

we could think of
something to help Anthony and
I get along again.

Yeah, I guess I could,
you know, but--

When are you free?

Well, I'm off work right
now, actually.

Perfect.

Heh! You and Anthony are two
peas in a pod, aren't you?

Just trying to be proactive.

So listen, here's what I'm
thinking, all right.

I want you
to help me plan a gentlemen's
night on the town, okay.

Uh, complete with singing and
dancing from the Bronx to the
Battery.

Yeah, just that --

we'll just have to meet a couple
of times to plan it, and --
and we can't tell Anthony.

-Oh, okay! Okay.
-Okay. So--

You're not gonna believe what
happened to--

-Oh c'mon!
-Shh!

You're way too loud.
Everyone's whispering secrets
and stuff.

Yeah. Anthony, you know,
before you get the wrong idea--

The wrong idea? Why would I get
the wrong idea

when I see my
arch nemesis chatting it up
with my boyfriend?

Arch nemesis? Well, what
do you talk, friend?

Why are you here, 'friend'?

Anthony, don't say anything
you're gonna regret.

Lee, it's okay.

I understand, it's --

listen, when there are two
people so kindred,

so similarly
driven, so well passionate,

you know there's bound to be
tension.

I mean, for instance,
today, after I found out that
Anthony stole my audition--

Oh! That -- that I 'stole' your
audition? Oh, so that's your
angle, is it?

It hurt.

Anthony, did you 'steal'
his audition?

Steal is such an ugly word.

Borrowed.

Borrow sounds nice.

Fine. Then he tricked me into
borrowing his audition.

He tricked you into borrowing
his audition?

Ca-- can you even
hear yourself? Oh, I can't
believe you're acting this way.

I can't believe the way you're
acting.

Fine, fine, I 'stole' his
audition, but only because he--

I forgive you, Anthony.

You? Forgive me?

This feels like
giving confession to a devil,
'cause that's what you are.

-You are evil.
-Anthony, that's enough.

Lee, you can only believe one
of us.

Which one is it?

Thanks.

Bradley.

Anthony.

Name, please.

Uh, wait. Do I know
you from somewhere?

Just have one of those
faces, I guess.

-No, no, I think I
know you from--
-Just have one of those faces!

Is everything okay out there?

Oh sweetest, peaches,
poopsie-doodle, I'm a
professional temp you know.

A chameleon of the
administrative arts.

Okay, whatever!

Now look what you've done.

Wha- excuse me! I rea--

Fill out your paperwork.

I'll give you 20 and some extra
to ditch his paperwork.

My good young man, I'm a
professional temp.

-Forty!
-Professional!

Fifty?

Hah-hah-hah-heh!

Whoa, whoa. Whoa,
whoa. Whoa, whoa. What in the
Sam Hill is going on here?

Okay, calm down, you're gonna
get in. I just made 50 clams.

That was for services rendered.

Welcome to New York City, runt,
where money talks and shit
dances in the chorus.

Huh!

-All right. Are we set?
-Yep, here's your cut.

Which one tried it this time?

Does it matter?

Nope.

Okay, everyone! Auditioning for Leader of the Leprechauns
, just
follow me. C'mon.

Greetings and salutations, you
lucky little fellows!

I am the
irector of The Last Leprechaun.

This is our musical director,
Chuck Norris.

No relation.

And finally, our choreographer,
Cassie Paul.

We'll be calling you up in
audition order to sing.

Everyone get their music,
and let's get started.

We're mighty, though we're

Here we go!

-Louis, why don't people look
like their headshots?
-I don't know.

You three, technique. Let's go.

And it says here, Riverdance.

Hmm. He would have drowned.

Look at this guy-- with the
winking?

-There was a constant
winking at--
-Yes.

He's all...

Yes, I believe it's
down to these two.

Agreed.

All right. We only need
Bradley and Anthony.

We'll see you on Monday
for the callbacks.

-Congratulations!
-Congratulations!

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this,

but I believe this has your name
written all over it.

How does this even exist?

Oh, they make great stocking
stuffers.

Don't you ever wonder
how I even knew there was a gay
porn audition?

My ex works with them. And I
made sure he took plenty of
photos.

I didn't do anything.

Well, who's gonna know that from
this picture?

Now, what do you
think the producers of our show
would think

of your sordid little past?

Stripper to porn,
not such a huge leap.

I'll let
you know how the callback goes.

Sayonara, sucker!

Anthony! Baby, I have a question
for you.

Oh! Sorry, Lee. I
thought today was Tuesday.

It is.

And am I missing something?

I mean, where's Anthony? Is he
sick?

He's usually here on
Tuesday nights.

I think somebody
got all butt hurt.

We're actually just taking
a little break.

I see. Well, look, I have a
theater question for him, if
you don't mind.

All right, I can text
him for you, I guess.

Okay, let me know
when you're ready.

I'm ready.

Ask him -- Anthony--

Yes--

Why is

your boyfriend acting
like such a drama queen?

Thank you so much. Bye!

Woo-hoo!

-Here we go again!
-All right. Woo-hoo!

Kelsey, what was that?
A Sneak Attack?

That thing was
what Anthony felt like

when you let that weaselly
little clown Bradley take your
trust away.

I just wanted to show you that a
room full of guys

would plot any entertainment no
matter how low brow.

I can still hear you.

Shut up.

I don't think you know what's
been going on lately.

Anthony is delusional.

Making Brad out to
be the super villain,

although Anthony is stealing
Brad's audition.

I mean, not to
mention, he's telling people
that he met Chita Rivera.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Probably
was a female impersonator.

But I did hear about that
'innocent' little soap opera
kiss.

The kiss was in the script.

What if it was not innocent?

And
why would you believe Bradley
anyway? You barely know him.

He's acting a lot saner
than Anthony is, lately.

Tell me this. When was the last
time Anthony was not completely
honest with you?

When he planned a surprise
birthday outing with me and the
boys.

And how long did
that secret last?

The night he planned it, he
told me in his sleep.

When was the last time
Anthony lied to you?

Never.

Then if I was you,

I'd trust
Anthony for two reasons.

One, he
is a really terrible liar.

And two, he loves you,
sweetheart. He really does.

Kelsey, thank you for
the tough love--

-Uh-huh.
-And the free advice.

The love is free.

But the advice?

Hell to the naw.

I'mma need a present real soon,
and make it shiny.

Okay!

What are you doing out here?

Drink?

Oh no! I never partake in the
devil's nectar.

It's apple juice.

Haa! You know I love presents.

Are you sure Anthony will be
okay with me being here? We
haven't talked since--

Oh, honey! Heh-heh-heh.

Anthony loves surprises.

Surprises and presents.

And this evening is both.

A surprise romantic
dinner for five?

Is the table set yet, dear?

Well, I, for one, think that we
need it. Anthony and I have--

I know. Ever since Bradley came
into town, Anthony has just
been--

Uh-uh-uh-uh. No, no, please.

Tonight is a night for
friendship, happiness, and love.

Ethel--

What's that smell?

What? Oh. Haaa! Oh.

Oh! Open
the window, somebody!

I got it.

I saw your face on a cover
of a magazine today.

Yeah, just don't tell Rita.
She'll turn into Medusa if she
knows.

-Hey, Medusa.
-Yes?

Are your ears burning?

Everything just sucks. I mean,
everything is just so screwed
up with drama.

I know how you feel. My success
is equally screwed.

I don't get it. I mean, she was
never like this before.

I know. Lee was
perfect before Bradley.

I'm just so tired of being
the fun hot guy.

I know how you -- okay, you
lost me on that one.

Hey, you don't give yourself
enough credit.

Look, I know that everyone says
that you're lucky to have Lee.

Well, I don't know if
'everyone' says that.

But Lee is lucky to
have you too. Hm?

Now who's the topic
of conversation?

-What are the two of you up to?
-Shh!

Well, what are you
gonna do about Lee?

I don't know.

How can I be with
someone who doesn't trust me?
Stupid Brad.

This is like a really gay
version of Single White Female.

-What was that?

Sounds like some dumb
alley cat in heat.

I haven't told anyone this,

but Bradley tricked me to go
into a gay porn audition.

Hehehm. Classic!

I mean, wow! He is good.

That's not the worst of it.

He had someone take pictures of
me changing in the dressing
room,

and he made 'em into the
cover of a dirty DVD.

If I show
up with the callbacks, he wants
to leak them to the producers.

You want me to beat him up?

Well, I'm not into
violence, but--

Well, now I really
feel like crap.

Brad tricked me too! Not only
did he completely screw my
friendship with Anthony,

but for some reason Tony and I
are constantly bickering, and--

Oh my God!

I was jealous!

Jealousy has turned me into a
raging bitch.

But how was I to know? I've
never been jealous before.

Are you done talking
to yourself?

For now.

Ethel, is it okay if we
take a rain check? Lee and I
have some work to do! Psst!

-Okay.
-Okay, honey.

-See you later.
-Go out the back, Lee!

Lee, I need you to know that I
want my friends to succeed.

Oh, that's so sweet, Rita.

I just wanna succeed first.

Oh.

So what do you think I should do
about Rita?

I mean, every time
we talk, it's kind of like spit
on a forest fire.

Just makes it angry.

My, my, my!

I didn't know we were having,
um, nightcaps al fresco.

Sorry, Ethel. Just
some guy talk.

Ye-heh-ha.

Yeah, I know.

I heard, uh heh hah, all about
your man problems.

Don't have private conversations
in a public space!

You heard everything?

Oh, I think I got
the gist of it.

Rita is a wonderful girl.

She's beautiful, talented, but
secretly insecure.

But what is
the one thing that you can
always count on Rita for?

She can fix anything.

Or anyone.

Oh, I get it.

So if we just let her fix our
problems again, then she'll feel
more needed.

Problem solved.

And Anthony,
don't worry about Lee.

Everything will come out in the
wash, honey.

How do you figure?

A little birdie told me.

Well, I still have one
big problem: Brad.

Brad schmad!

Anthony, if every entertainer
worried about what popped up on
the Internet,

half the city wouldn't work.

Oh, I know I wouldn't.

Ethel?

Tony, grow up. Hah-ha-hah-ha.

Good for you.

Oh, who's that, honey?

That's weird. Lee wants to meet
me at the costume warehouse.

Well! I guess my little
birdie was right.

Now don't get carried away,
Ethel.

He just might want to
talk to me about something.

Lee is the birdie, stupid. The
birdie is Lee.

Hello.

Hello? Lee?

Hello!

Hi, Anthony.

Oh my gosh! I haven't been
here since the day we met.

I just wanted to say

that I screwed up.

Your words, not mine.

Actually,

-these are my words:

Ethel?

What are you doing here?

Long story short, heh heh heh,

after you left this morning, I
thought to myself:

'Well, what are you gonna do
this morning, Ethel?

Climb all those stairs, up to
top of the Statue of Liberty?

Or put some more cash into your
old MetroCard,

and play subway roulette?'

And that led you here?

I led me here.

I wanted to be
here honey, for your big break.

Be ultimate in moral support.

Well! As I live and breathe,
look who decided to show up.

Little porn star who couldn't.

You mean, the little porn star
who didn't.

-Rita?
-Rita!

Ye-haaaaaa!

Well, Anthony, looks like we
both have some moral support
with us today.

Moral support, my ass,
you little turd bucket.

You release those DVDs, and I'll
be forced to admit

certain information about
your past.

What information?

Remember last Monday when we got
hammered on mimosas?

Yeah?

Well, obviously you don't.

Or you'd remember what you
confessed to me.

Please. You don't think I'm
gonna fall for that trick, do
you?

Was it a crime?

-Depends what state you're in.
-Haaah!

Your decision. We're waiting.

-Who's we?
-We -- my true friends.

-You wouldn't.
-Oh, wouldn't I?

-Your word against mine.
-Surely, they list misdemeanors
on the Internet. Mr. Producer?

Okay, fine! You win.

Uhm.

I have to get this part the
old-fashioned way.

And what's the contemporary way?

With blackmail and fraud?

Hey guys, sorry about the delay.

Our reader is running late.
Unless one of you two ladies
wanna volunteer?

Well, that's nice.
I just need one.

Oh Ethel, you go. I want Anthony
to be comfortable in there.
Knock them dead!

Oh, I hope you get
everything coming to you.

Me too!

No, I don't think you do.

-Rita!
-Tony, for the last time,

what did I tell you about
visiting me while I'm working?

Uh, only in emergencies?

Only -- in - emergencies.

Okay, but this is an emergency.

It is?

Yes, they bumped up my role in
the show.

And I desperately need
you to help me.

That's why I
thought it was about time that I
gave you something.

Hey, Tony, I'm at work.

Rita. Diva of my dreams.

Will you accept this copy of my
apartment key

as a symbol of my love and
dependence?

It's all I ever wanted.

I need you.

You most certainly do.

After all,

when your brother regains his
memory after coming back from
being in that fire,

with a new face, and a new
gender, how are you going to--

-I thought you didn't watch
soap operas?
-Uh-aa.

Outstanding daytime drama.

Anthony, I almost forgot to tell
you with all the excitement
happening.

I figured out my
Halloween costume.

Every superhero needs a
sidekick, right?

-Hah!

Holy , it's my phone.

-It's the producers.
-Haaah!

-Dreamer!
-I gotta take this call. In the
kitchen.

Hello.

Would it be wrong to, uh,
listen? I mean, for moral
support.

For moral support.

This is he.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh! Oh,
yeah. Hold on one second.

Uh-huh.
Tomorrow shouldn't be a problem.

Well, it's only a day away.
Hello?

I didn't get the part.

-Oh! No! Honey!
-Sorry.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it,
I knew it! Oh-ha-ha-hah!

Sayonara, suckers!

-I am Broadway bound.
-They didn't want you either.

Heh!

That's what I would say if I
was a total dick, but I'm not.

Friends?

Friends?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Anthony.

But you shouldn't be.

They want you!

I beg your pardon?

They decided to cast a child for
the role I auditioned for,

but they loved the woman who
came in to read with me.

The producers gave me
their number. You'll have to
call them.

Can you believe it?

This time he gave your part away
to the old lady.

Her name is Ethel.

And I'm happy for her, you
bitter little sea monkey.

Well I'm not going to accept
that part.

-The hell you're not!
-Language.

-The heck you're not.
-Better.

You've always made everything
about me, and I've never really
thought about you.

You've been waiting in the wings
your entire life.

It's your turn.

This was your dream.

Heh! I'm still waiting.

But as Chita Rivera once said,
'never give up'.

-C'mon guys! Just 'cause I don't
have a picture--

I believe you, Anthony.

There's no stopping him.

Ethel.

Anthony, how did you sneak
backstage?

Theater blocks.

How do you think I sneak
backstage at Broadway shows?

Everyone thinks I'm a
stagehand.

I just couldn't wait until after
the show to tell you.

Your out of town premiere,
it's already a hit.

Honey, you're gonna get me into
trouble.

How? You're the queen of the
leprechauns!

-Shh!
-You're the queen
of the leprechauns.

Oh, Anthony! I- I'm afraid to
admit it.

But I have a terrible
case of stage fright.

What if I've come this far, and
I fall flat on my face?

That's not gonna happen.

You wanna know why?

Why?

Come closer, it's a secret.

Oh.

I am so proud of you.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh.

Welcome back.

44 Zebra,
Take 1, Marker.

So. So, um--

When I take chances, all I'm met
with is strong critique.

Oh, well I found it's hard for
people to hear you,

when you're
so busy singing and dancing -

sorry, I moved, out of the,
frame.

-As your number one patron, I
think I can ask this.
-Certainly.

Do we really need a dick--

Yes, we do.

-Surprise!
-Ahh! Where's my pepper spray!

Aaaa!

While serving smiles