Original subtitles

Shut up in there!

-Anthony... -Huh?

I can hear you from the subway.

I've been working on my projection.

Ah, I think that was my best yet.

Don't you wonder what I'm going to be doing, roomie?

Not really.

Well, why are you gonna read the news? When history is being made right here in your living room.

Besides, this is my prop.

Fine. What are you up to this time?

I'm making the world's greatest video submission, ever.

-Again? -Again.

This better not be like the time you made that video tribute to the musical, Cats,

and you had to pay the city 900 bucks just to cut you down from that tree.

It was 864 dollars, and I'd rather not talk about that.

Besides, this time I have the help of my boyfriend and your girlfriend.

Rita is involved?

Rita is involved.

And I am making a cinematic masterpiece.

Wait, why are you dressed like a mime?

Ha-up! I am a French director. Ha-ha-m.

Well, I didn't think you'd be that into making Antony's video.

I am that into looking cute.

-And you do. Ooh-la-la! -Purr.

Thanks for getting all the video equipment.

Of course, babe. I know this is very important to you, so I'm going to make you look so good.

-You're the best. -You're the best.

Okay, stop kissing. We gotta get going.

Lee! Okay, put the camera here. Anthony, we'll have you there.

-A little to your left. Great. -Ready?

All right! Everyone, let's soak in this moment.

-Lights! Camera! Action! -Nah, no, no, no. That's my line. Just say, 'take one.'

Take one.

Okay.

Can you go do the thing?

C'mon. You first. Head down to the one train.

I have your MetroCard. We'll get you lunch afterwards. Okay, this is great.

Made of glitter, who can act

I don't know who they are.

Tap break.

But there's no singing!

-I'm just saying.

But mostly great

Good job, babe.

What's this video audition for, anyway?

Oh, it's to get a singing waiter gig, down at Caf� Broadway, with Rita.

You know, I'm gonna go download this right away.

Uh, technology's not your friend, so I'm gonna help you. All right?

Wait a minute. I thought Anthony already had the job at Cafe Broadway.

Shh shh! He does.

But I want Anthony to feel like his talent got him the job.

He has been auditioning for months, and has not booked a single gig.

Are you telling me we spent all day running around New York City

to film a video for a job he already had?

And to build his self-esteem.

Yet again, I find myself saying, 'Thank you, Rita. We'd all be lost without you'.

I'm lost now.

From page to stage to your plate.

Caf� Broadway, Times Square,

is here to celebrate musical theater, through music and food.

For starters, may I suggest the Angela Lans' pear and berry salad.

New on our drink menu is Fraulein Maria's tea, served with jam and bread.

If you prefer an adult beverage,

everyone loves our Carol Channing raspberry martini.

Or perhaps our Into the Woods 'greens, greens, and nothing but greens!' salad.

On a sweet note, try our Beauty and the BeastGrey Stuff. It's delicious.

Again, my name is Gina...

And if you need anything

Ladies and gentlemen,

the premiere of Theatrical Food Experience in New York City.

The one and only Caf� Broadway, Times Square!

Come on.

With service to match

With bread

A while, service smiles while

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get out of my way! Get out of my way!

Get me out of here!

Oh Jesus!

Get the row!

More like a nightmare!

Me too!

That's how they're seasoned.

I love my job.

I love my life!

What does rancor mean?

Here comes the kick line, oh my God!

A while serving smiles

-Hello, I can't-

First national tour?

Close the curtain! Now, now! Close it!

I can't believe this shit is my life.

-Ow, ow! -And now you die.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait.

If you kill me, I can't tell you who I got as a replacement.

Ow, ow, jeez.

I'm listening.

Okay. Now I knew that I might get this call today.

'Cause I mean - c'mon!

But it just so happens that I met an extremely talented performer,

straight off the boat from Idaho.

-Who-da-ho? -You-da-ho. Ah-ha-hah.

Anyhow - anyhoo, he's sitting out in the audience right now watching the show.

Oh, Bradley, psst! C'mon, get in here.

Guys, this is Bradley.

Huh! He's so tiny! But on the plus side, it doesn't look like he'll eat much.

Hey, he's a perfectly normal height.

Well, yeah, from your angle.

-Hey, a person's a person-- -No matter how small.

Seussical, the Musical! Ahrens and Flaherty. Open November 30, 2000.

Oh! He's good.

Do you sing?

Do you dance?

5, 6, 7, 8.

You're hired! Like I had a choice!

Peoples, you know what this means. An added put in rehearsal tomorrow.

Aww!

Remembering that each and every one of you is clearly replaceable.

Okay, we're gonna be here early.

Listen, listen, I won't let you down.

Sweetie, you already have.

Ow, ow!

I'm gonna ask Rosie if we can do a duet together.

She says all the girls are too tall for me, but you'd be perfect.

Okay, thanks friend.

You're welcome, friend!

Oh! Aah!

And this new guy, Bradley, and I are like kindred spirits.

He knows everything about Broadway.

He's the same height, and he has tons of energy.

It's like we're the same person.

Well, I'm glad you're happy, dear.

Not to mention, I'm not the new guy at Caf� Broadway.

So I thought, maybe, I could get a solo.

If that happens, I sure hope you can help me with my costume.

Hmh! It's not like I have anything else to do around here.

Please! You, not busy?

I know my best friend, and she's always busy.

Besides, isn't the annual Halloween talent palooza coming up?

It's the Harvest Festival Spectacular now.

Church politics.

I'm sure you'll have a fantastic costume for your performance. Besides, aren't you excited?

Oh, honey! It's just a--

Darn it, doll, I miss you!

It's not the same without you here, dear.

Montana has one less star in the sky now.

Well, then you've got a lot of work to do.

Because you need to shine for the both of us.

I do need to plan a trip home to visit, but until then,

we just need to keep really busy, so we don't focus on how much we miss each other.

I guess you're right. Yeah, it's about time!

Good night, my sweet prince of Broadway.

Good night, my Apostle of Episcopal Theatrics.

She actually is amazing!

She is the best!

-Is this seat taken?

-Ssshh!

That's my girl!

Lucky her!

Hey, you gonna eat that?

I was!

Why is she here?

It's only a matter of time. Between our talent and connections...

Connections?

Interesting!

She's singing about me.

What?

She's singing about me.

Would you refrain from speaking with my food in your mouth?

She's singing about me.

I thought we'd established that.

You were amazing out there. Everyone loves you.

Aw! Did I sound okay?

Okay? You brought a tear to my eye.

Sweetie! What are you doing here? Muah.

I thought I told you I don't want my loved ones seeing me at this...

-Oh! Mmmhhh! -I love it.

It's just that a few months ago, I was starring in an off-Broadway show,

and now I'm slinging hash off-Broadway.

Well Rita, we're in Times Square. So technically we're even closer to Broadway.

Ha-up, shh, why don't we keep it down an octave or two, sunshine?

Spit it out, Tony. Why are you in my place of regrettable employment?

All right. I wanted you both to be the first to know.

I will be officially starring in the acclaimed outstanding daytime drama,

All Of My Days And Most Of My Nights.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! You booked a soap opera?

A soap opera?

Outstanding daytime drama.

I know, I was speechless too.

Our lives are just really starting to take off.

I mean, you have the outstanding daytime drama.

I have Caf� Broadway.

-A soap opera? -Daytime drama.

-Oh my God! -I know.

-Oh my God. -I know! And I start tomorrow,

and the best part is, I didn't even have to audition.

-What? -Nope.

The guest director, he saw me at the gym, had me read a few lines, and boom!

And so came the ex-stripper to tell the wait staff of his illustrious career.

Yeah, just go to the gym, and you get--

I'm gonna kill myself.

Guys, c'mon. Hey, we're all actors here. Right? Rita?

Well, you're an actor. I'm pretty sure she's just a server.

My mother and I used to watch that soap opera every day when I came home from kindergarten.

It made me gay. Or at least that's what I tell her at every Thanksgiving.

You! Out! You're pulling focus.

C'mon, everybody. Let's go. Let's go! A hungry audience is an angry audience. C'mon.

My roommate's gonna be a TV star!

My boyfriend's gonna be a TV star! Mmuah.

Okay, now get out. Go. Go. Go. Congratulations! I love you.

You just keep pretending that you're happy for him.

I'm sure you're gonna be able to convince yourself of that. Eventually.

This is the perfect place to find a Halloween costume

for your new stripper act.

Rosie is so sweet for letting us come in here.

I know. There's so many perks to working at Caf� Broadway. Oh, how about this one?

Anthony, I'm a stripper. Not a teacher. All right?

But do you have to show so much skin?

We met when we were stripping at the club together.

That's because of a casting mix-up. And that's before you were my boyfriend.

All right, check this out.

Oh, sexy sports thing! I love the new hockey costume.

Hockey? You serious? It's football.

Ah! Tomato to-mah-to.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Did you just successfully reference a musical?

-Mm hmm. -Perhaps a Broadway costume for your new stripper act.

Do you know what's really sexy? The Sound of Music.

Uh! Chicago. Sweet Charity. Gypsy?

Hm, baby steps.

Ahhh, if I was stripping again, I'd be sexy Phantom of the Opera.

Just think of the theatrics. I could literally fly in from the chandelier--

There's only one way to shut you up. Isn't there?

Huh?

Then again, I love the sports thing.

Ladies and gentlemen and boys and goons!

Are you ready to be horrified? I know I am.

Monster thrives! They're alive!

They're alive! And they're live on stage!

My precious.

Here we go now!

Now don't be frightened

Fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy night!

Yeah!

-Oh, yeah!

Of course, I'm at the Club Apple. It's Tuesday night.

Not to mention, Lee is doing his new football stripper number.

I told him he should add jazz hands, but he said maybe next week.

Anyway, how are you feeling? Did you find any new projects?

Sorry to interrupt your valuable bi-weekly Skype time, Ms. Ethel.

But now that Anthony's not stripping with us anymore,

I sure do miss your snicker doodles.

Well, then, I'll just have to fix up a batch -- especially for you, Brian.

Thank you, Miss Thing.

So how are you?

I'm good, I'm fine. I took your advice.

Good.

- I feel great. -Great.

And I found a prot�g�.

What? I don't think I ever said anything about--

Oh, he's wonderful. He really is. As a matter of fact, he reminds me of a young you.

I don't recall saying anything about--

Say hi, Jonathan.

Hi, Jonathan.

Ha-ha-ha. LOL!

He's really funny too.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I've heard so much about you.

I told him everything.

Everything?

Everything. Is it really true that after moving to New York,

you ended up in a strip show because of a casting mix-up,

only to end up roommates with Tony the stripper,

who took your Off-Broadway gig, all while finding your true love?

Yeah, that's the gist of it.

Man! When I get old, I wanna have adventures just like you. Ha-ha.

Where's your stripper boyfriend? I've seen pictures of you two. He's hot.

Just lucky, I guess.

Why are you so lucky?

Hi, Lee!

Oh hi, Ethel! When are you coming to New York for a visit?

Well, you know, it would be a lot easier for me

to see both of you if, um,

you were living together.

Uh, Ethel, I love this guy. But don't you think it's a little too soon?

Keep me in mind if you plan on doing any kind of moving. I got the muscle.

Will definitely keep you in mind.

All right, Lee. I'll let you off the hook, for now.

But Jonathan and I really do have to get back to work here.

-Okay, bye, Ethel. -Bye, Ethel.

Bye, boys.

What's wrong?

I can't believe Ethel's working with this new kid.

I mean, the talent show was our thing.

And it always will be. But now it's their thing too.

Their thing?

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Plus, he's not very nice. He called me 'old'.

You're not old. Because you are the same age as me.

Well, I sure wish you worked at Caf� Broadway. You get to see a lot more of me!

And I wish you would put your G-string back on, and keep stripping with us.

Hah! Then everybody would see more of me.

No, I'm happy for my time of metamorphosis.

But this caterpillar has cocooned into a Broadway butterfly.

You've been sitting on that line for a while.

Mayhaps.

I wish you come back to the club and add your pure taste of, um--

-Saccharine? -Na-ah.

Pure sugarcane.

Thanks, Kelsey. But I'm trying to focus on my theatrical sound.

Oh, baby. There's nothing more theatrical than the world of high drag!

Hahaha! I love you, Boo Boo. Good to see you. Bye.

Listen up, ladies, the trio goes in tonight.

Which means Rita's solo is bolt.

The thing is, I'm not so sure this song is for me.

The thing is, maybe it's not for you. That's the problem!

Not every song can be a solo. Welcome to the chorus, princess.

Awkward.

So, I told him. Look, Mack, I'm not prepared

for a clothes-off audition for Nonsense, the Musical.

So he goes, 'It's a national tour'.

And so obviously I drop trout like a sailor on leave.

That's so terrible.

I know. I didn't even get the part.

Cattle calls are for cattle. That's why I have an agent.

Nobody, I mean, nobody sees the twins -- until after I get the part. Hah!

Uhm, hey! Love you forever if you'd give me the deets on your agent, my diva.

This diva belongs to the world, but sure. I'll text you his info.

Um, Rita, you never gave me your agent's info?

You never asked.

Knock on the door and it shall open unto you. And if not, use the side gate.

I'm surprised you wanna do the whole agent thing, you know, with your specific type.

Please! We're the exact same type.

-You take that back. -Whoa!

Hah! I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Hah-ha-ha! Sings, dances, and acts!

No, no, my dear.

Who are ya? Ugh!

I'm your fairy god-chorus-girl.

Oh, are you here to grant my wish?

Um, na-ah!

This new song is great.

Good. 'Cause I have another new song to replace Patrick's solo.

Oh! That must be mine, if I'm not mistaken.

Actually, you are. It's for Anthony.

For me? Oh, for me?

Ah, yes, yes. Well, for now, work on it

and I'll give you the green light as soon as I think you're ready.

Okay, that is it. You leave me no choice.

Bippity Boppity, pas de bour ree. Chorus boys who are eternally gay.

El el a nam en a bushel and peck,

Give these nice girls A reality check!

I wanna kickball change!

Yeah.

-I wanna sing some background oohs. -Yeah.

I wanna stand here and move my mouth as if I'm having a conversation.

Peas and carrots, and peas and carrots, and peas and carrots. Yeah!

-Prairie man? -Um-hm.

-Sounds rabid! -Um-hm.

You want me to butch it up?

You're an actor. Act butch!

Rita! Rita, that number was so cute.

For a trio! Mr. 'I got a solo'.

How'd you know that?

Because you kept singing, 'I got a solo', 'I got a solo' while I was on stage!

Oh, was I in the right key?

No, you were fading in and out. But that is why I've decided to help you,

with your solo number, by becoming your voice teacher extraordinaire.

-Aw, Rita! That's so sweet. -I know.

-But you don't need to help me at all. -What? Why?

Because I already booked a voice teacher.

Well, once Rosie gave me the solo,

I grazed over the call board, and I found the voice teacher to the stars.

So why would you need me, right?

Right. This little birdie has left the nest.

I'll give you a little birdie.

Hey, hey, hey, Rita! Hi! Hey! Bradley.

Uh, listen, I-- I was just wondering.

I was backstage at the call board looking for a flyer for a voice teacher,

and somebody took the last one. I mean, what am I gonna do?

Ask Anthony. He took it.

Well, you know -- hey, you know, it's just as well.

Because you know, look,

anyone that has to beg for clients by hanging up flyers,

is probably not that good anyway.

I mean, I need to study with a working diva.

I mean, if only you would offer lessons. God!

Me? Offer lessons!

Are you kidding? You're amazing. I mean, I would kill to study with you.

Well, if you really need help--

Rita! I need you!

I need you.

I will be at your apartment tomorrow morning 9 AM sharp.

-You don't know where I live. -Don't bore me with details.

Okay!

Okay.

How was that?

Let's try your last line again.

And remember the words should always mean something.

Got it. I feel it this time.

So 37th time's the charm.

Per chance, if you were to keep your feet planted.

But Mr. Nelson, surely a little kickball change--

This is a vocal lesson, Mr. Richardson.

-But Mr. Nelson-- -Once again, and really land your last note.

E-e-e-e-e-e-e. And make your tone a little more...

More...

You know what? Just, just more will be great.

Prrrrrrr. Prrrrrrr.

Yeah!

Or perhaps less.

Thank you, Mr. Richardson, great work for today.

-I can do it again. -I don't wanna wear you out.

-But I can-- -I don't wanna wear me out. Just please have a seat.

Steven, you're next.

So was it that bad?

Eh!

Eh plus or eh minus?

Umm, mediocre plus.

Oh, an upgrade.

Hi everyone. My name is Steven.

Are you working the runway or your voice today?

Do I have to make a choice?

Very cute. But you can't rely on your charm in here. Just your vocal instrument.

So, what will you be singing today?

'A Boy Like That' from Westside Story.

Ooh! A little risky, don't you think?

I mean, Mr. Nelson tells us never sing songs associated with a Broadway star,

and that song definitely belongs to Chita Rivera.

I'll take my chances.

I admire that. Whenever I try to take chances, all I'm met with is strong critique.

Oh! Well, I found it's hard for people to hear you

when you're so busy singing and...

Dancing.

Ooh, aah, eeh, aah!

You see? Close your mouth.

Do I have to separate you two?

Oh my gosh, you are Chita Rivera! What are you doing in my voice lesson?

You either use it or you lose it.

What if I never had it?

Years ago people told me I would never star on a Broadway show.

-They did? -Yeah. I mean show business is rough.

I mean, it's a doggy dog world out there.

-Really? -I want to tell you that it gets easier.

-Once you hit your stride. -Well, that's good to hear.

That's what I wanted to tell you. That's not true.

If you want your dreams, you have to fight for them.

You have to fight for you. Can you do that?

I'm scrappy.

How did it feel to win the Tony Award?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask Tony?

Oh my God, you carry it with you?

Well, wouldn't you?

-Uh, yeah. -Yeah.

But this one time I met Shirley Jones, and she said she carried her Oscar in her heart.

Oh, that's a little lazy. But don't you tell her I said that.

-Oh, I won't. -You either.

I feel more talented just by touching it.

-Oh! -Hm, you'd have to eat it.

Ooh! Tough crowd.

Oh, that's actually a step up. Most people tell me to suck it.

-Hah! Oh God. -Shut up!

Sorry!

Theater etiquette. Anyone?

Can I ask you something? Do you think I'll make it to Broadway?

Look, you're talented.

The only thing you need to know is never ever give up.

I mean, not everyone likes curry the first time they taste it.

You're such an inspiration.

Well, can your inspiration have her Tony back?

Now, that was a-ma-zing!

But what about my husband?

-Your husband. Ugh.

Yeah, come in.

Mr. Richardson, you have a surprise.

Surprise?

And--

I wish someone loved me this much.

Why thank you, Denise.

Oh, you know my name.

Denise? I don't even know her name yet.

Well, it never hurts to add that human touch.

Okay, what are you guys really doing here?

We're here to teach you how to succeed in show business without really trying.

But I am trying.

We believe in you.

What did say about touching my keyboard?

-No touching? -No touching.

All right. Guys, thank you, but I really need to concentrate.

Last night, while Anthony was working on his little ditty--

Showstopper.

--semantics. I put all your dialogue on these!

I love you so much right now.

Oh! Down boy, we have work to do.

What if I blank out again?

I will be there for inspiration.

And I'll hide the cue cards.

In that getup?

It's a vest and bowtie!

Ah, welcome, Mr. Tony Richardson.

I'll make you feel part of our happy family.

Ah, who are you two?

We're his assistants.

I'm his Swedish masseuse, yeah.

And I'm his musical therapist.

-Really? -She bribed the guards.

-Good going, Judas! -You two behave.

-We promise, we will. -Yeah.

Ah, Tony.

-Yeah? -Don't suck.

No prob, Bob.

It's Jefferson, but you can call me Sir.

And this is your leading lady, Delores D'Amboise.

Or as the world knows her best, Dr. Vanessa Van Thorne.

It's a pleasure. I'm sure.

Let's hope you are.

And that's -- Places!

I think she likes you.

-Hmh! -It's diva intimidation. I've used it myself.

I'm used to Broadway egos. But from a TV star? I'm not a fan.

What did you just say?

I said, I'm a big fan. Big fan.

No! Little person, you're not that big.

Ew.

Chita Rivera was way more inspirational.

Oh, right. I was just discussing that with 'Julia Andrews over high tea!'

-No, I really did meet her at my voice-- -Sound speed.

Camera!

Action!

Come in quickly.

The door opens inwards.

Why, yes, it surely does!

I came as quick as I--

Dr. Van Thorne! Where's the patient?

Sh sh sh sh.

Inside voices. We don't want to be found out.

Let them find out.

What of your identical twin brother, nurse Doug Blundell?

I couldn't rip apart a family -- again.

I don't think it matters. Since he has -- amnesia.

Yes, I know. You won't let me forget.

He's not the man, that I fell in love with anymore,

and he's certainly not -- you.

And, that's a wrap!

Like lightning in a bottle.

Oh, that was a lot better than I expected.

Yeah, thanks. Ah, could we get one more take?

You know, one where I don't have a problem with the door?

Well I've got 40 minutes more

to shoot in this episode, so --

No.

They take care of that in post, sweetie. That's what editors are for.

It's nothing like live theater.

Live theater? Oh, no, no, honey we get paid.

Are you sure I can't just do my one-man interpretation of Oklahoma?

Do you have the rights to Oklahoma?

No. But--

Go. Now! Go, go! Go, go.

Gonna have to start drug testing these kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! Where do you think you're going?

On stage, Rosie, where else?

Does Anthony know this is a duet now?

Please, he practically begged me.

Can I go now?

You may pass.

Thank you.

Gonna drug test each and every one of them.

Huh?

What?

Ohhh!

This was supposed to be my solo!

Duets are twice as grand. Now stop fighting me. I'm trying to help you.

I didn't know your number was a duet now!

Neither did I.

Neither did I. Look, here's the thing. Rosie wanted to turn it into a group number--

--but I knew how much it meant to you.

So I begged her to let me save it with some simple harmony.

Oh! And it worked!

Anthony, you should really be thanking Brad.

Trust me, I know all too well the sting of a group number.

Don't mention it.

Hello!

And he stole my solo.

Slow down, honey. I can't understand a word you're saying.

He stole my solo. Solo stolen.

Well, did you talk to the producer?

Rosie? Why bother?

He said it was her idea to save my number with some simple harmonies.

Well, at least, were they good harmonies?

Well, some of them were quite lovely.

He made some really interesting choices.

What? What? That is not the point. I mean, have you ever--

Honey, I know this is upsetting.

But the show must go on.

I am sure that Bradley will never outshine you.

I don't know about that.

Remember, your star will still shine, even in the darkest of nights.

Ethel, what would I ever do without you?

Well, let's not find out.

Thanks Ethel.

Was that Anthony? Again?

Yes. I think it's time for me to plan a surprise trip to New York

to see Anthony.

No, wait a minute. I can't do that.

I'd miss the Harvest Festival Spectacular.

We'll just have to debut at the Christmas cantata.

I can't do that to you, Jonathan.

Whatever! I have chess club anyway.

Hey, everybody. Gather out. I got some great news.

Hooh! What's all the excitement and how does it affect me?

Yeah, what happened this time? Are they naming the soap opera after you?

Outstanding daytime drama. And no, it's not about me.

Then whomever could this good news be about?

It's about Anthony!

-It's about - Anthony? -Me?

Yeah. You know, you've been coming down to set and helping me with my lines.

-Uh huh. -And how you made friends with that AD lady.

Her name is Denise. Yes. Go on.

And how you been kissing ass to Delores D'Amboise?

Well, you call it 'being nice'.

Oh, c'mon -- just say it -- you tell us what you -- tell us what it is--

Well, they offered Anthony a line in the show.

Oh my God!!

What?

I'm going to be your team B.

Rita, if they gave Anthony a line, I wonder what they gave you!

I mean, they only have one line, and Denise thought that Anthony would be perfect for it. So...

Does someone smell diva burning?

Are you okay?

Okay?

Okay? I'm over the moon, happy for Anthony, he made it.

Had to happen to someone, right? And why you? I mean, why not you?

You're my prot�g�, so it's really like me succeeding.

How do you figure?

Yeah, who are you playing in the soap opera?

Oh, I don't know. Hey, Tony, who am I playing?

Oh, you're playing -- A CNA.

A CNA!

You have no idea what that is. Do you?

No, I do not.

It's a certified nurse's assistant.

Oh, it's a certified nurse's assistant.

Here's the script. And here's all the details.

You do realize why they can't put you in the soap opera, right?

My diva, you'd outshine the stars.

I'm happy for Anthony, though.

As well you should be.

And maybe when he calms down a little bit,

he'll thank you for practically gift wrapping that part for him.

It was your idea to go down to the soap opera in the first place.

I have a souffl� in the oven.

Ugh! Hmmhh!

I feel better now.

I'd better go check on her.

I just wanna say, I'm proud of you, friend.

Hey, don't you have someone you want to call? Share the news with?

You're right. I got to go tell Ethel.

Hello, did somebody call for a sponge bath? What?

Hello! Did somebody call... for a sponge bath?

Hello, did somebody call?

For a sponge bath?

Well, yippee oh ki yay!

-Lee! -Hi! I came to help you practice your lines.

Well, 'line' technically.

-You did? How thoughtful. -Well, you thought of it.

-I did. Didn't I? -Yes, you dork.

-Let's get to... -Hello, friends.

Oh, hi, Bradley. This is my boyfriend, Lee. He's here to help me with my lines.

Well, 'line' technically.

Oh, look, there's exactly three actors in this scene. Shall we?

Oh, that'd be great! Okay.

Right.

Why nurse Blundell, I didn't expect to see you in here!

How so, Dr. Van Thorne?

I mean, so fully clothed.

Oh, Dr. Van Thorne starts to unbutton his shirt.

Oh, we can skip the whole stage direction stuff.

You want the scene to crescendo to your line, don't you?

Well, uh, yeah, I guess... but just pretend.

But what of my brother? He might get his memories back.

Ah, forget him! He certainly has forgotten us.

Nurse backs him into the call button.

And we're 'pretending'.

-Oh! -Keep going.

Oh, no! I've accidentally activated the call button.

Who cares?

You're already here.

Hello, did somebody call for a sponge bath?

No, that's a hoot! No, although they may or may not want the new CNA

to be played as a Dickensian street urchin.

Oh, that was just one take on it.

Well, let's start the scene again.

-Oh, no! I got it from here. -No, I really don't mind helping.

Oh, no. I don't want to take any more of your break.

And you? You need to get back to the club.

-I don't have to be there for a while. -We'll work on it more later.

Okay.

Until tonight.

Dramatic!

That soap opera really has influenced you, hasn't it?

Hasn't it, though?

I finished my Halloween costume, Broadway boy!

Ho-oh, that's some costume.

And now that I finished with mine, I thought I could start on yours.

A little much for me, but I think you look adorable.

Oh, c'mon! Couples costumes are so much fun.

Focus on what's important. Like, your line for the show.

Oh.

Hello! Did somebody call for a sponge bath?

Okay-hey, um, I think it needs a little more gravitas.

You remember how the scene escalated when we practiced with Brad?

Uh, how can I forget? He kissed you!

The kiss was in the script. As an actor, I think that you would understand.

Oh! So you're an actor now! When did that happen?

You know what? I'm not sure what's gotten into you lately.

First, you think Jonathan is trying to steal Ethel from you, and now this Brad thing.

I think you're being a little paranoid.

Or am I?

Yes, that's exactly what a paranoid person would say.

I'm not yelling!

I know you're in a soap opera.

Outstanding daytime drama!

Whatever! And I know you meet beautiful women. All I'm saying is, I don't have to meet them.

Oh! Shut the front door.

I didn't know you were Daytime Digest's 'most eligible bachelor'?

Well, the show's marketing team said if the fans think I'm available,

which I am not...

Just try to think of it as a lesson on how to deal with the press

when you get your - oh, hi guys - your big break.

It doesn't bother me.

I love my successful boyfriend.

You know what else I love? Good news.

And I have great news for Anthony.

Sing, my angel of music!

Remember how I gave your real info to my agent?

Sing to me!

-Well, he came to the cafe to see the show. -You never told me.

-Don't interrupt! -Sorry.

And he agreed to rep you on a trial basis.

-Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God-- -Yes!

Babe, that's great news.

Just be sure that you don't take a romantic lead

because someone might pretend kiss you.

Hey, you should tell your new agent about the gig on my show on Thursday.

Tony, do you have to make everything about your freaking show? I'm going to bed.

Oh, hoo!

My bed.

Aw.

Congratulations, super-thingy!

I'm - 'Broadway Boy' for Halloween.

You're Broadway Boy for days that end in 'y'.

Good night, boys. I'm off like a horse corset.

Secretly, I think she's excited about everything. Very, very secretly.

Are we okay?

Yeah, sure, we're great.

Once you apologize for kissing Bradley, right in front of me, nonetheless.

You're being ridiculous.

Ridiculous? I'm ridiculous. 'Broadway Boys' ridiculous.

Anthony, please, enough!

I'm your boyfriend. Have a little faith in me.

Wait! Do you not trust me?

You're making it really difficult for me.

That wasn't the answer I was hoping for.

It's not that I don't want to trust you, it's just--

You know, I think Broadway Boy should revert back to his alter ego, Lovable Anthony.

Because when you're acting like this, the only superpower you have is being petty.

I'm gonna go home.

I think, uh,

a little time alone would be good for both of us.

Way to go 'Broadway Boy'!

The worst superhero to hit Broadway since Spider-Man.

Lee, thank goodness you're here.

Now Bradley's trying to take over my dreams!

Don't be ridiculous, Anthony. Bradley's just trying to help. Hah!

So that's how you do it! Mind control.

Every super villain needs a superpower. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Teresa, but maybe something

Les Mis�rables,

Hairspray, singing 'You Can't

Stars do when everything goes

Once again

Kelsey?

One inch, just like Jean

And Fantine, she

Ah! Oh!

Because he knew just what a

Oh my gosh, I'm Broadway boy!

Ha-ya-ya, ya-ya-ya-ya! How the heck do you forget that?

I don't even remember how I got here!

Whatever! Prepare to be destroyed!

Oh, no, no, no. Get away, not yet, not-- no!

Chorus, we could handle what's

Broadway nightmare again?

Maybe?

-Did you win this time? -Maybe?

Ethel? Ethel, are you there?

I can't see you. You're touching the camera again.

-Boo! -Ohhh!

Ethel? What!

Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?

I couldn't miss your big day on my favorite TV show.

Lee helped me plan the surprise trip the day you found out.

Thanks, Lee.

Yeah, of course.

Ethel, why are you in full costume?

Oh! Ha-hm-hm!

Well, her red-eye got in early. So we decided to play dress-up.

Ta da!

Kelsey got bored.

Oh, all right, you caught me.

I was bored. But ain't no drag queen I know need a special occasion for a hot drag!

Halloween in New York is so much fun!

But, what about Jonathan?

And the Harvest Festival Spectacular?

Oh, well, we probably have to debut with the Christmas cantata instead.

Did it break his heart? I mean, did he cry and stuff?

No. Actually, he said it was fine, which kind of bugged me, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I can't wait to fill you in on the entire history

of All Of My Days And Some Of My Nights.

Ethel, you don't have to do that.

I don't have to. Honey, I get to! C'mon!

Okay. Oh my gosh, she's gonna help me.

Bradley! Such a news I have for you.

Is that the Jewish side coming out or are you doing a Yoda impression?

What is it, my goddess?

Maybe you should ask your new agent?

-Aaa! -You're on probation, but you semi-officially have an agent.

What? Aaa! Hehaha!

You rock my world! Oh yeah, I'm so glad we are besties. Hah!

Oh, Anthony!

Listen, I'm sure you're gonna get an agent one day soon, okay?

Buck up, buddy. It's gonna happen.

It already did. I'm on the same probation you are.

Oh!

Ow!

-Great. -Mm-hmm.

That -- that is really great. I guess that agency really needed people, huh?

Birthday time! Let's spread our joy to another special guest celebrating life.

Jesus, Anthony! Somebody probably lied just to get some free cake.

Oh, no!

Yes! They did.

Hey chef!

My table forgot they have a shellfish allergy,

so they wanna try the corn chowder instead of the clam chowder.

Who forgets they have a deadly allergy?

Tell you what, I'll boil them some nice hot water.

Bet you, they're allergic to that too!

Oopsie-poopsie! Heheh!

Oh!

Uh, chef-y, what's this?

Soup.

No, I mean -- this.

-Huh? -I thought your secret ingredient was love.

Who put a cell phone in my soup?

Um, Anthony, that looks like your phone.

Oh no, it couldn't be mine. Mine's in my safe spot right up--

Your safe spot is on the spice rack above the soup?

But how could it fall in?

Your 'safe spot' is 'on' the spice rack 'above' the soup.

Y'all should probably put that in some rice.

I think potato works best for the cream-based soup.

It's for the phone, nimrod.

Look, I think the important thing right now is to say a little prayer

that the phone still works.

I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, right?

It's not fine. It's disgusting. Get out!

Gosh chef, you don't have to get so mad.

Yeah, his phone is probably ruined, but your soup always tastes disgusting.

-Get out! -Oh! Ah!

He scares me.

One.

-Uh, just a second.

Oh! Hey, Denise. Just going over my lines.

You were working out in front of the mirror again,

I could hear the kissy noises from down the hall.

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Fine, Tony, you were rehearsing with your script upside down.

That's not why I'm here.

Um, where's your friend Anthony? He's late for his call.

I've been trying to get ahold of him for over an hour.

Did you, uh, call his cell?

No! What a brilliant idea.

Here, let me give him a ring.

This is what I get for working with all pretty people.

You know, maybe he went to the wrong studio.

They all look the same, right?

Yeah, that's why they have numbers on them.

Yep, you're right.

Direct to voicemail.

You know, I'm sure he'll show up, eventually.

Eventually isn't on the schedule. If I don't have a CNA, the scene gets cut.

Huh! Well, can't you just use, like, one of the extras, just in case?

They're background actors, and we don't just store them on set for a speaking role.

Plus, he'd need to fit into his tiny costume.

Hi, Tony.

Look I know I'm really early, but look,

could you give these to Anthony from all us actors down at the cafe?

Actor?

How tall are you?

How tall would you like me to be?

You're short, you're here, you're hired. He goes on for Anthony.

He's a friend.

It's his big break. Oh, it will kill him!

On the other hand, I could probably squeeze into his costume.

All right, I'll do it.

Wait, does this mean there's gonna be two CNAs now?

Action!

Hello--

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. D--

Somebody called for a sponge bath?

That's a wrap.

This means war!

I know! It's amazing!

She's amazing.

Oh, but I really should put this away.

I don't want Anthony to get jealous, poor thing.

Why would I be jealous? I've met Chita Rivera, and she told me, 'never give up'.

Oh-ho! Can we see her pictures?

For the hundredth time, I've told you, you cannot take a picture during a voice class.

Bubbeleh, come to mama, love.

No, no, no. Self-soothing today.

O-ow!

You know, Bradley feels awful too.

I'm sure he does.

I really do, friend. Did you get my message?

-Yeah. -Yeah, I just -- you can't know how sorry I am about--

what happened.

I know, I got all your messages. It's just a little hard right now.

I understand. I know you've been avoiding me all night,

and I'm just really sorry this has been so hard for you.

All I'm saying, it seems an awfully big coincidence.

Anthony, I think you're angry at yourself.

And maybe a teeny bit jealous of Bradley.

You think I'm doing this because I'm jealous?

Frankly? Yes.

Well -- well --

well, I think you're jealous of Tony. Ah!

Jealous?

Of a soap opera?

A soap opera?

I won't even dignify that with an answer.

That's a first.

It's not my fault I feel more than ordinary people.

Emotions just flow out of me.

If they flowed anymore, you'd have to stick two tampons up there.

You know what? No one said, 'talk'.

Oh Anthony, I just -- I really don't want this to mess up our friendship.

Don't worry. This will in no way affect our--

Everything is fixed.

-I find it difficult to do a dance number without dancers.

Get your asses on stage!

Uh, where do you think you're going, sugar tits?

On stage. Didn't you hear?

Ugh! New kid gets the dinghy.

-No, no. I thought Anthony was gonna-- -Yea-tat-tat-tat-tat.

I don't think you heard me. 'New kid' gets the dinghy. Strip.

Strip? What? C'mon!

C'mon, man!

Rosie, Rosie darling, as your number one patron, I feel I can ask.

Do we really need a dick song during dinner?

Is that what that's about?

I think it's open to interpretation.

And the Captain's

Hey, Anthony.

Look, look, I'm really sorry about that bump just now.

Honest mistake.

C'mon, I really want us to be simpatico again.

And it'd be really awkward at the audition tomorrow

if we couldn't at least be civilized to each other, right?

Leader the Leprechaun audition is on Thursday.

No, not that. The baseball film audition

that the agency called us on --

called me on --

Oh dear!

How awkward.

Like Damn Yankees? Is it Damn nkees ? I've done Damn Yankees.

You could say that.

Uh.

Boy, it just really is too bad.

I mean, I guess the agency had to pick one of us, and --

I can't even make it.

How awkward.

Well, um, just gonna put my phone in my safe spot.

No soup pots around here.

Guess we all learnt from that little fiasco, heh.

Do it.

Huh?

Do it. You know you want to.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Stow it, mate.

You got a mutiny to execute before you go down with this ship.

So you believe me that Bradley's sabotaging me.

Tat-tat-tat-tat.

Don't think I'm getting little soft on you, but I believe in the Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

And what has he done unto you?

He stole my part.

He stole your part.

So you want me to steal his audition?

Yes! Fight shenanigans with shenanigans. He said he can't even go to the audition.

Yeah, but I don't have all the information.

Well, I'm sure all that information is right there in his phone.

I couldn't.

Oh, I see! You think your phone was just suicidal,

and just jumped into that pot of soup on its own.

Huuuh!

Then again, he did leave it out there just for us.

Do unto others...

Do unto others...

Ah-ha-huh.

Do that again, you lose that hand.

So -- baseball scene, huh? Same old crap.

Well, if you would catch instead of just hitch, it might switch things up a bit.

Oh-ho-ho. We know you don't have enough money for that.

Stitch in time saves nine.

That doesn't even make sense.

I know it doesn't.

We don't even have enough money for writers.

Excuse me.

Yeah!

What can I do you for, shortstop?

Uh, do you have a Bradley Rogers here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Well, he is now!

Whatever that means. Here, fill out this release form.

I think you mean audition form.

Call it whatever you like, munchkin, just fill it out.

You got a jockstrap under that uniform?

I have a dance belt.

Jockstrap!

Well, I sure hope they don't test us on our baseball skills for this one, huh?

I'm sure that's not the kind of skills they're looking for.

I sure hope you're right.

I mean I was in Damn Yankeesonce,

but I don't know if they're going the whole Fosse route on this thing.

'What is your biggest asset?'

Um, more flexible than a rubber band.

Ooh! Prove it.

-Ooh! -Oh! Oh!

That's what he is here for.

I may not have the power other people possess, but I have stamina, believe me.

And I always go over the top to show my passion.

Top? Uh, more like bottom.

Heh-haha!

I've never seen any of your movies. Are you new to the industry?

You found me out. This is my first cinematic endeavor.

I usually just perform my craft on the stage.

Ooh kinky!

Hardly!

Right now, I'm just serving the masses,

but I'm hoping to get more picky once I'm discovered.

-Well, you're in the right place. -What's your, um, specialty?

I'm pretty versatile, but probably dance.

I used to dance before I made adult films.

Oh! Did you do kid movies before that?

Anyway, which dance style is your specialty? Tap? Ballet?

I'd call it more 'modern.'

Heh-heh-heh.

Well, you lost me there,

but you still must share that personal love of contact with the audience.

You know, that feeling when you're nailing it,

and you just know you're --

uh, n-nail -- nailing it,

and there's no greater feeling in the world.

What do you think about during your--

Show tunes, show tunes, and more show tunes.

Ah, it's like I'm on cloud nine.

Yeah, more like outer space.

-Heh-heh. Ha-ha. -Why? What do you think about?

Well, I usually imagine that I'm being taken over by a motorcycle gang in a dark alley

wearing only fishnets and a grimace of ecstasy.

Edgy!

To each his own, I suppose.

He seems like more of a Sondheim fan to me.

Why are we all just standing around? Time is money. Give me this.

You forgot to fill out cock size under measurement.

Oh, I'm sorr-- What?

All right! Tushies up, trousers down, gentlemen.

-Three-- -It's the left or right hand?

Whichever.

Hello.

Hi, Lee. Hey, it's Bradley.

Hey, listen you may or may not remember me,

but I work with Anthony, down at the Caf� Broadway.

Of course. Brad, how are you?

Good. Listen, you may not know this, but Anthony and I --

things have been a little off lately.

And I was just thinking, maybe if you and I could get together,

we could think of something to help Anthony and I get along again.

Yeah, I guess I could, you know, but--

When are you free?

Well, I'm off work right now, actually.

Perfect.

Heh! You and Anthony are two peas in a pod, aren't you?

Just trying to be proactive.

So listen, here's what I'm thinking, all right.

I want you to help me plan a gentlemen's night on the town, okay.

Uh, complete with singing and dancing from the Bronx to the Battery.

Yeah, just that --

we'll just have to meet a couple of times to plan it, and -- and we can't tell Anthony.

-Oh, okay! Okay. -Okay. So--

You're not gonna believe what happened to--

-Oh c'mon! -Shh!

You're way too loud. Everyone's whispering secrets and stuff.

Yeah. Anthony, you know, before you get the wrong idea--

The wrong idea? Why would I get the wrong idea

when I see my arch nemesis chatting it up with my boyfriend?

Arch nemesis? Well, what do you talk, friend?

Why are you here, 'friend'?

Anthony, don't say anything you're gonna regret.

Lee, it's okay.

I understand, it's --

listen, when there are two people so kindred,

so similarly driven, so well passionate,

you know there's bound to be tension.

I mean, for instance, today, after I found out that Anthony stole my audition--

Oh! That -- that I 'stole' your audition? Oh, so that's your angle, is it?

It hurt.

Anthony, did you 'steal' his audition?

Steal is such an ugly word.

Borrowed.

Borrow sounds nice.

Fine. Then he tricked me into borrowing his audition.

He tricked you into borrowing his audition?

Ca-- can you even hear yourself? Oh, I can't believe you're acting this way.

I can't believe the way you're acting.

Fine, fine, I 'stole' his audition, but only because he--

I forgive you, Anthony.

You? Forgive me?

This feels like giving confession to a devil, 'cause that's what you are.

-You are evil. -Anthony, that's enough.

Lee, you can only believe one of us.

Which one is it?

Thanks.

Bradley.

Anthony.

Name, please.

Uh, wait. Do I know you from somewhere?

Just have one of those faces, I guess.

-No, no, I think I know you from-- -Just have one of those faces!

Is everything okay out there?

Oh sweetest, peaches, poopsie-doodle, I'm a professional temp you know.

A chameleon of the administrative arts.

Okay, whatever!

Now look what you've done.

Wha- excuse me! I rea--

Fill out your paperwork.

I'll give you 20 and some extra to ditch his paperwork.

My good young man, I'm a professional temp.

-Forty! -Professional!

Fifty?

Hah-hah-hah-heh!

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. What in the Sam Hill is going on here?

Okay, calm down, you're gonna get in. I just made 50 clams.

That was for services rendered.

Welcome to New York City, runt, where money talks and shit dances in the chorus.

Huh!

-All right. Are we set? -Yep, here's your cut.

Which one tried it this time?

Does it matter?

Nope.

Okay, everyone! Auditioning for Leader of the Leprechauns , just follow me. C'mon.

Greetings and salutations, you lucky little fellows!

I am the irector of The Last Leprechaun.

This is our musical director, Chuck Norris.

No relation.

And finally, our choreographer, Cassie Paul.

We'll be calling you up in audition order to sing.

Everyone get their music, and let's get started.

We're mighty, though we're

Here we go!

-Louis, why don't people look like their headshots? -I don't know.

You three, technique. Let's go.

And it says here, Riverdance.

Hmm. He would have drowned.

Look at this guy-- with the winking?

-There was a constant winking at-- -Yes.

He's all...

Yes, I believe it's down to these two.

Agreed.

All right. We only need Bradley and Anthony.

We'll see you on Monday for the callbacks.

-Congratulations! -Congratulations!

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but I believe this has your name written all over it.

How does this even exist?

Oh, they make great stocking stuffers.

Don't you ever wonder how I even knew there was a gay porn audition?

My ex works with them. And I made sure he took plenty of photos.

I didn't do anything.

Well, who's gonna know that from this picture?

Now, what do you think the producers of our show would think

of your sordid little past?

Stripper to porn, not such a huge leap.

I'll let you know how the callback goes.

Sayonara, sucker!

Anthony! Baby, I have a question for you.

Oh! Sorry, Lee. I thought today was Tuesday.

It is.

And am I missing something?

I mean, where's Anthony? Is he sick?

He's usually here on Tuesday nights.

I think somebody got all butt hurt.

We're actually just taking a little break.

I see. Well, look, I have a theater question for him, if you don't mind.

All right, I can text him for you, I guess.

Okay, let me know when you're ready.

I'm ready.

Ask him -- Anthony--

Yes--

Why is

your boyfriend acting like such a drama queen?

Thank you so much. Bye!

Woo-hoo!

-Here we go again! -All right. Woo-hoo!

Kelsey, what was that? A Sneak Attack?

That thing was what Anthony felt like

when you let that weaselly little clown Bradley take your trust away.

I just wanted to show you that a room full of guys

would plot any entertainment no matter how low brow.

I can still hear you.

Shut up.

I don't think you know what's been going on lately.

Anthony is delusional.

Making Brad out to be the super villain,

although Anthony is stealing Brad's audition.

I mean, not to mention, he's telling people that he met Chita Rivera.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Probably was a female impersonator.

But I did hear about that 'innocent' little soap opera kiss.

The kiss was in the script.

What if it was not innocent?

And why would you believe Bradley anyway? You barely know him.

He's acting a lot saner than Anthony is, lately.

Tell me this. When was the last time Anthony was not completely honest with you?

When he planned a surprise birthday outing with me and the boys.

And how long did that secret last?

The night he planned it, he told me in his sleep.

When was the last time Anthony lied to you?

Never.

Then if I was you,

I'd trust Anthony for two reasons.

One, he is a really terrible liar.

And two, he loves you, sweetheart. He really does.

Kelsey, thank you for the tough love--

-Uh-huh. -And the free advice.

The love is free.

But the advice?

Hell to the naw.

I'mma need a present real soon, and make it shiny.

Okay!

What are you doing out here?

Drink?

Oh no! I never partake in the devil's nectar.

It's apple juice.

Haa! You know I love presents.

Are you sure Anthony will be okay with me being here? We haven't talked since--

Oh, honey! Heh-heh-heh.

Anthony loves surprises.

Surprises and presents.

And this evening is both.

A surprise romantic dinner for five?

Is the table set yet, dear?

Well, I, for one, think that we need it. Anthony and I have--

I know. Ever since Bradley came into town, Anthony has just been--

Uh-uh-uh-uh. No, no, please.

Tonight is a night for friendship, happiness, and love.

Ethel--

What's that smell?

What? Oh. Haaa! Oh.

Oh! Open the window, somebody!

I got it.

I saw your face on a cover of a magazine today.

Yeah, just don't tell Rita. She'll turn into Medusa if she knows.

-Hey, Medusa. -Yes?

Are your ears burning?

Everything just sucks. I mean, everything is just so screwed up with drama.

I know how you feel. My success is equally screwed.

I don't get it. I mean, she was never like this before.

I know. Lee was perfect before Bradley.

I'm just so tired of being the fun hot guy.

I know how you -- okay, you lost me on that one.

Hey, you don't give yourself enough credit.

Look, I know that everyone says that you're lucky to have Lee.

Well, I don't know if 'everyone' says that.

But Lee is lucky to have you too. Hm?

Now who's the topic of conversation?

-What are the two of you up to? -Shh!

Well, what are you gonna do about Lee?

I don't know.

How can I be with someone who doesn't trust me? Stupid Brad.

This is like a really gay version of Single White Female.

-What was that?

Sounds like some dumb alley cat in heat.

I haven't told anyone this,

but Bradley tricked me to go into a gay porn audition.

Hehehm. Classic!

I mean, wow! He is good.

That's not the worst of it.

He had someone take pictures of me changing in the dressing room,

and he made 'em into the cover of a dirty DVD.

If I show up with the callbacks, he wants to leak them to the producers.

You want me to beat him up?

Well, I'm not into violence, but--

Well, now I really feel like crap.

Brad tricked me too! Not only did he completely screw my friendship with Anthony,

but for some reason Tony and I are constantly bickering, and--

Oh my God!

I was jealous!

Jealousy has turned me into a raging bitch.

But how was I to know? I've never been jealous before.

Are you done talking to yourself?

For now.

Ethel, is it okay if we take a rain check? Lee and I have some work to do! Psst!

-Okay. -Okay, honey.

-See you later. -Go out the back, Lee!

Lee, I need you to know that I want my friends to succeed.

Oh, that's so sweet, Rita.

I just wanna succeed first.

Oh.

So what do you think I should do about Rita?

I mean, every time we talk, it's kind of like spit on a forest fire.

Just makes it angry.

My, my, my!

I didn't know we were having, um, nightcaps al fresco.

Sorry, Ethel. Just some guy talk.

Ye-heh-ha.

Yeah, I know.

I heard, uh heh hah, all about your man problems.

Don't have private conversations in a public space!

You heard everything?

Oh, I think I got the gist of it.

Rita is a wonderful girl.

She's beautiful, talented, but secretly insecure.

But what is the one thing that you can always count on Rita for?

She can fix anything.

Or anyone.

Oh, I get it.

So if we just let her fix our problems again, then she'll feel more needed.

Problem solved.

And Anthony, don't worry about Lee.

Everything will come out in the wash, honey.

How do you figure?

A little birdie told me.

Well, I still have one big problem: Brad.

Brad schmad!

Anthony, if every entertainer worried about what popped up on the Internet,

half the city wouldn't work.

Oh, I know I wouldn't.

Ethel?

Tony, grow up. Hah-ha-hah-ha.

Good for you.

Oh, who's that, honey?

That's weird. Lee wants to meet me at the costume warehouse.

Well! I guess my little birdie was right.

Now don't get carried away, Ethel.

He just might want to talk to me about something.

Lee is the birdie, stupid. The birdie is Lee.

Hello.

Hello? Lee?

Hello!

Hi, Anthony.

Oh my gosh! I haven't been here since the day we met.

I just wanted to say

that I screwed up.

Your words, not mine.

Actually,

-these are my words:

Ethel?

What are you doing here?

Long story short, heh heh heh,

after you left this morning, I thought to myself:

'Well, what are you gonna do this morning, Ethel?

Climb all those stairs, up to top of the Statue of Liberty?

Or put some more cash into your old MetroCard,

and play subway roulette?'

And that led you here?

I led me here.

I wanted to be here honey, for your big break.

Be ultimate in moral support.

Well! As I live and breathe, look who decided to show up.

Little porn star who couldn't.

You mean, the little porn star who didn't.

-Rita? -Rita!

Ye-haaaaaa!

Well, Anthony, looks like we both have some moral support with us today.

Moral support, my ass, you little turd bucket.

You release those DVDs, and I'll be forced to admit

certain information about your past.

What information?

Remember last Monday when we got hammered on mimosas?

Yeah?

Well, obviously you don't.

Or you'd remember what you confessed to me.

Please. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that trick, do you?

Was it a crime?

-Depends what state you're in. -Haaah!

Your decision. We're waiting.

-Who's we? -We -- my true friends.

-You wouldn't. -Oh, wouldn't I?

-Your word against mine. -Surely, they list misdemeanors on the Internet. Mr. Producer?

Okay, fine! You win.

Uhm.

I have to get this part the old-fashioned way.

And what's the contemporary way?

With blackmail and fraud?

Hey guys, sorry about the delay.

Our reader is running late. Unless one of you two ladies wanna volunteer?

Well, that's nice. I just need one.

Oh Ethel, you go. I want Anthony to be comfortable in there. Knock them dead!

Oh, I hope you get everything coming to you.

Me too!

No, I don't think you do.

-Rita! -Tony, for the last time,

what did I tell you about visiting me while I'm working?

Uh, only in emergencies?

Only -- in - emergencies.

Okay, but this is an emergency.

It is?

Yes, they bumped up my role in the show.

And I desperately need you to help me.

That's why I thought it was about time that I gave you something.

Hey, Tony, I'm at work.

Rita. Diva of my dreams.

Will you accept this copy of my apartment key

as a symbol of my love and dependence?

It's all I ever wanted.

I need you.

You most certainly do.

After all,

when your brother regains his memory after coming back from being in that fire,

with a new face, and a new gender, how are you going to--

-I thought you didn't watch soap operas? -Uh-aa.

Outstanding daytime drama.

Anthony, I almost forgot to tell you with all the excitement happening.

I figured out my Halloween costume.

Every superhero needs a sidekick, right?

-Hah!

Holy , it's my phone.

-It's the producers. -Haaah!

-Dreamer! -I gotta take this call. In the kitchen.

Hello.

Would it be wrong to, uh, listen? I mean, for moral support.

For moral support.

This is he.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh! Oh, yeah. Hold on one second.

Uh-huh. Tomorrow shouldn't be a problem.

Well, it's only a day away. Hello?

I didn't get the part.

-Oh! No! Honey! -Sorry.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it, I knew it! Oh-ha-ha-hah!

Sayonara, suckers!

-I am Broadway bound. -They didn't want you either.

Heh!

That's what I would say if I was a total dick, but I'm not.

Friends?

Friends?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Anthony.

But you shouldn't be.

They want you!

I beg your pardon?

They decided to cast a child for the role I auditioned for,

but they loved the woman who came in to read with me.

The producers gave me their number. You'll have to call them.

Can you believe it?

This time he gave your part away to the old lady.

Her name is Ethel.

And I'm happy for her, you bitter little sea monkey.

Well I'm not going to accept that part.

-The hell you're not! -Language.

-The heck you're not. -Better.

You've always made everything about me, and I've never really thought about you.

You've been waiting in the wings your entire life.

It's your turn.

This was your dream.

Heh! I'm still waiting.

But as Chita Rivera once said, 'never give up'.

-C'mon guys! Just 'cause I don't have a picture--

I believe you, Anthony.

There's no stopping him.

Ethel.

Anthony, how did you sneak backstage?

Theater blocks.

How do you think I sneak backstage at Broadway shows?

Everyone thinks I'm a stagehand.

I just couldn't wait until after the show to tell you.

Your out of town premiere, it's already a hit.

Honey, you're gonna get me into trouble.

How? You're the queen of the leprechauns!

-Shh! -You're the queen of the leprechauns.

Oh, Anthony! I- I'm afraid to admit it.

But I have a terrible case of stage fright.

What if I've come this far, and I fall flat on my face?

That's not gonna happen.

You wanna know why?

Why?

Come closer, it's a secret.

Oh.

I am so proud of you.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh.

Welcome back.

44 Zebra, Take 1, Marker.

So. So, um--

When I take chances, all I'm met with is strong critique.

Oh, well I found it's hard for people to hear you,

when you're so busy singing and dancing -

sorry, I moved, out of the, frame.

-As your number one patron, I think I can ask this. -Certainly.

Do we really need a dick--

Yes, we do.

-Surprise! -Ahh! Where's my pepper spray!

Aaaa!

While serving smiles