Original subtitles

[jaunty brass music]

Midships.

Think. That's all that's required of a man .

Let him think and thcrc arc no fiascos.

Steady on 1 -4-0.

The Admiral speaking.

What's wrong with the damn thing?

The Admiral speaking.

[blows]

The Admiral speaking. [blows]

Confounded thing doesn't work.

Perfect example of inefficiency.

Somebody wasn't thinking.

Get an electrician , get a radio man, get somebody.

Beg your pardon, sir.

It isn't switched on.

[voice distorfs]

The Navy needs men like you .

In fact, we should find a wider field for your talcnts.

Ashore.

[mournful brass]

[triumphant music]

Now, this is the valuc of war games.

I ask you gentlemen to note the beauty of this manocuvre.

Hampshire will be in position by 0b00,

to launch guidcd missilcs at the enemy carriers.

Well, something worrying you?

Er, beg your pardon, sir,

but wasn't the Hampshire judged sunk in yesterday's manoeuvres?

What?

Wasn't the Hampshire judged sunk in--

Oh, yes. Yes, l heard you , yes.

Ouite so.

Clever of you to rcmcmbcr. [chuckles]

Claxton, have this officcr commcnded.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And transfcrrcd.

[mournful jazz]

Now, Commander, according to your scrvicc rccord,

you've done a splendid job.

Splendid.

But for some reason there seems to be a cerfain lack of continuity.

For instancc, you've held 1 2 appointments in the last 1 8 months.

That does seem a bit much. [chuckles]

However, this may not bc your fault

and psychology may help.

Now, the Admiralty feels that they want a scicntific analysis

of the aptitudes of our better men.

You see, it's a question of getting the right man

in the right job...

at the right timc.

Now, in order to facilitatc this,

we of the psychology deparfment

have designed cerfain aptitude tests.

For example, this onc hcrc.

Now, it's quitc simple, Commander.

The idea is to turn the inputtable cog,

that's thc white one with the letters on it,

through a series of relays

to turn the end product cog,

that's thc yellow one with the numbcrs on it,

that will generate electricity and light the little lamp.

L'll just do it once.

It's quitc simple really.

And you've got a whole 1 5 seconds to bcat the clock...

Erm, to do the test.

There we arc.

And the blue one. . . on the end.

[straining]

Mustn't usc forcc because it. . . it shows aggressiveness.

[straining and scrabbling]

These things stiffcn up, you know, aftcr timc.

Tricky, this one but. . . Ah, thcrc wc are.

It should work.

Er, may l suggest...

[giggles] I say!

I say, you did that very well indeed. Are you very good at this sort of thing?

Well, in that casc, l've got a whole draw load .

I think you all know Lieutenant Commandcr Badger.

He's probably better known as the Artful Bodger.

He's just bc assigned to the new class at Darfmouth.

Oh, jolly good . Well done.

Thank you, Headmaster.

I remember the last time we met.

-We-- -In a moment, gentlcmcn,

we shall be interviewing young men

who want to bccomc officers in Her Majesty's Navy.

I hope, gentlemen, l find you all ready and refrcshcd

for another battle with thc products of our present day and age?

I don't know what the schools do to them.

Can't be that the stock has changed.

Must be the environmcnt.

By the time we get to them,

takes us five whole ycars to makc them any damn use to man or beast.

Remember, we are not looking for normal boys.

We are looking for boys who will make naval officers

and there's a difference.

We want halfwits.

The service will add the other half in its own way and in its own timc.

-Er, any questions? -[all] No, sir.

None of these boys will bc vcry intclligent.

If they had any intelligence, they wouldn't be here,

thcy'd be applying for jobs outside where they get bettcr pay and less work.

However, lack of intclligcncc need not concern us.

An intelligent man ncvcr makes a good naval officer.

He embarrasses evcrybody.

Well, we'll give thcm half an hour each .

[buzzer]

-Good morning. -Good morning, sir.

-Maconnick is the name, isn't it? -Yes, sir.

Why do you want to join the Royal Navy?

Well, it's not really me who's all that keen, sir.

I thought it was you, actually.

They told me you were short of recruits.

Sorf of like the Salvation Army.

[coughs]

You understand, Carson,

that today a good naval officer is a highly educated specialist?

For instance, the operation of a warship is a complex scientific disciplinc

requiring mastery of mathcmatics, meteorology, cybcrnctics,

and a dozen other skills.

Do you think you could acquire the necessary knowlcdgc?

Well, sir, l had a distinction in Maths at Highcr Lcvcl,

won the Trident Award for original experiments in electronics,

and was licensed to operate technical equipment

including radar, sonar, and so forth.

Very good .

Now, take a look at that picture on thc wall.

What would you say about that sloop?

I'd say it was a ketch, sir.

Yes, of coursc.

I just wanted to see if you knew.

Go on.

Well, it's coming out on the evening ebb tide.

Two men on deck,

which means probably two girls below cooking supper, sir.

The harbour is on thc south coast.

Prom the shape of the hills and the red soil,

Devon or possibly Uorset.

Racing pennant, dinghy lashed on deck,

spinnaker boom lying up for'ard.

Thank you, Shcrlock Holmcs.

You've an excellent record.

L'm glad you think thc Navy's the best place to utilise your talents.

Well, I'm not rcally sure it is, sir.

Eut I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, sir, it was either join thc Navy or become a parson.

Thank you.

That's all.

[buzzer]

I assume we're agreed

wc've not reached the point of desperation where we acccpt that one.

Get worse every ycar.

We need men who arc in top physical trim.

An athlete has the necessary speed and co-ordination

to act efficiently in an emergency.

Oh, yes. Yes, I know that, sir.

Well, I was captain of my school rugger 1 5,

opening bat for thc crickct 11 ,

ran anchor for the relay tcam and was the light-middleweight boxing champion.

And you feel your physical qualifications

could be bcst uscd in the service of your country?

I hadn't thought about that.

I just like to fight. [chucklcs]

Prom a psychiatric point of view,

the urge to fight frequcntly rcpresents

unresolved infantilc conflicts and hostility.

I say, that's jolly wcll spoken .

And if it wasn't for those unresolved conflicts and infantilc hostility,

there wouldn't bc any need for a navy, would there, ch?

Tell me, Robinson,

what irritates you more than anything else?

Being asked a whole Iot of damn silly qucstions, sir.

And why do you want to join the Royal Navy?

To tell the truth, sir, joining the Navy wasn't my idea at all.

I tried to get out of it but my father's very forceful.

Strong personality and all that.

I see by your papcrs

that your father is George Uewberry Mp.

"Sink the Navy" Dewberry?

Would you mind telling me why the Member of parliament

who talks longest and loudest in the House about the uselessncss of the Navy

wants his son to join?

I wondered about that too, sir.

The nearest I can come to an answer

is that the old man thinks l'm useless, too.

Uo you suppose he's trying to get back at both of us?

[mournful jazz]

[station announccr] Thc Torbay Exprcss will Icavc at 12:30 lrom platform onc,

calling at Rcading, Wcstbury,

Taunton, Exctcr, Nc*on Abbott,

Torquay, Paignton, Churston, and Kingswcar.

Yes, well, since thc Navy has been providing idiots

with food and shelter for hundreds of ycars,

I don't suppose even you will have any marked effect upon it.

Oh, thank you.

You'll look marvellous in a uniform, darling.

Yes, I will, won't l?

Gold braid makes a man look so distinguished , l always say.

Oh, really, Cynthia, really.

If you don't mind , do excuse me, dear, I'll just get something to read at the bookstore.

-Oh, l'll put my stuff on the train. -Alright, darling. Comc back.

[car horn blares, brakes screech]

[romantic music]

[clears throat]

-Goodbye. -Bye.

Don't forgct, avoid drafts, strong drink and Army officers.

[she laughs]

Good morning, Lieutenant Commandcr. Er, sir.

Ah, Cadet Dcwbcrry.

Do you consider your behaviour, sir, upholds the best traditions of the Navy?

Well, hardly the bcst.

After all , one is a bit handicappcd in a taxi.

Goodbye.

[jaunty brass music]

Who was that?

[military fife and drums music]

[instructor] Left, right! Left, right! Lcft, right!

[shouting commands]

Squad , halt!

Right. . . turn!

Squad , halt!

[instructor] Look up, stand still, get your chests out,

bring your shouldcrs back!

Head back!

Stand at ease!

[serene music]

Hello, hello.

Hey, catch!

Steady on!

I've gathered you all together on your first evening

to give you some idea of what we intend to do with you at Darfmouth.

We expect you to bccomc officers

in a service of which we are all very proud .

You will learn how to be Ieaders,

to make decisions, to take responsibility.

Now all this, l know, may sound rather forbidding,

but remember this, if you'rc always sincere,

always do your bcst according to your lights,

mean what you say and stick to it whatever the conscquences,

then there'll always be somebody

to put in a good word for you at your court martial .

[laughtcr]

Squad, slopc arms!

Squad, slopc arms!

[men shouting drill commands]

Left, right, left, right! Right, turn!

Left, right, left, right, lcft!

[men shouting drill commands]

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!

-By the right! -By the right!

[men shouting drill commands]

[drill instructor] Get out, you horrible creatures!

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Having released the forc and aft pins,

it now only remains to rcmovc the centre pin and rclcasc the slip.

Now, carry on, Carson, remove the centrc pin.

You seem to be paying closc attention, Mr Bowles.

L'm sure you can rclcase the boat.

Certainly, sir.

-[boat crashcs] -Ow!

Oh!

Any of you that think you know how to dance already can forget it.

Won't do any of you any harm to learn how to do it proper!

And I'm hcrc to scc that you do.

Now then.

You grasp your parfner firmly and mould to each other.

You treat thc bird in your arms with the greatcst rcspcct.

And we'll havc it dead graceful .

And off we go.

See that? Nicely mouldcd to mc parfner. See that?

Now watch it for the contra body movement. There we arc.

Left foot forward, right shoulder forward, got it?

And we will not have any of this Iark.

It's distasteful.

Right. Now thcn.

You lot, you can be the men.

And you lot, you be the crump. . . er, the ladics.

Now then, class, 'shun!

Inward face!

Ladies, three paccs forward. March!

Bowles.

You don't have to prove it.

Right, take your positions.

Right, let her fly.

[jazzy waltz plays]

Do you come here often?

Shut up!

Get moulded .

Uewberry, where's your lady friend?

She's gone to thc boys' room to powder hcr nosc.

Go and get her.

-Next man, keep it going. -Come on!

-Over you go! -Come on, speed it up.

Speed it up, comc along!

Speed it up! Spccd it up!

You idiot!

Oh, come on , keep going.

Come on, keep going.

Break it up there, brcak it up!

Now, you've been here Iong enough, Bowles,

to know that thc Navy isn't designed for fighting.

It's an organisation for filling in reams of paper in triplicatc.

Now, just between oursclvcs,

l can understand how civilians might get the impression

that the Navy's job is to fight.

They probably read about it in the daily ncwspapers.

Wc, however, know differently, don't we?

We know that we must never believe anything we read about the Navy.

Parficularly if it's founded on Iogic, right?

-Yes, sir. -Good.

Left, right! Lcft, right!

Left, right! Left!

[men shouting drill commands]

Right. . . turn!

Left, right! Lcft, right!

Left, right! Left!

As Churchill said,

the Navy runs on three things.

Rum, bum and baccy.

[laughtcr]

Rcmcmber that and you'II all be Admirals.

Provided, of course, you know your signals.

Now, say one of you was Officer of the Watch,

and your ship was out of control,

what signal would you hoist?

Dewberry?

Disaster?

If you was Officer of thc Watch, it would be disaster.

[laughtcr]

When a ship is out of control,

rudder off, steering gear broke down,

you hoist two black balls,

and only thcn.

[Carson] lt's not the only time.

Are you gonna belicvc what you know or what I tell you?

Well, if you were refuelling at sea,

you could be considcrcd out of control to a ccrfain cxtent.

So you would hoist that signal.

Maybe you would. I wouldn't!

I'm sorry, Carson, but there are limits to being an eager beaver.

-Do you know what rank is? -Well, yes, sir.

It's a grade in the service achieved by a man

as a result of knowledge and cxpcrience, sir.

My, my. You'rc young, Mr Carson, you'rc vcry young.

Rank is the authority to be right when you're wrong .

Now, the same rule applics not only here

but in thc Army, business, politics, everywhere.

The Navy puts gold braid on a sleeve

to confer upon an officcr the right to make a fool of himsclf

without being tripped up by his juniors.

The road to promotion is littered with bright young men,

all cast aside because they failed to keep their mouths shut.

Hmm!

[mournful jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music]

[instructor] Very nice, Bowles. Keep at it!

[instructor] You're better, Carson. Where the devil's Dewberry?

[romantic music]

So what's your class doing now then?

Well, as a matter of fact, we're on our initiative test.

Oh, what's that?

Well, actually it's a question of reaching our objective

despite any obstaclcs that might be put in thc way.

-[instructor] Cadet Uewberry! -Sir!

This is an initiative test, not an assault course!

Cadet Dewbcrry,

the exercise of logic in thc Royal Navy can often lead to disaster.

Now here's an example.

If l draw the normal conclusions,

we are faccd with certain disciplinary problems

on the eve of your completing your course.

If however, we throw logic to the winds,

I can assumc that you were out on your initiative test,

lost your way in the bushes, stumbled across a strange girl, who was also Iost,

and consoled her.

-Try not to get lost in the future. -Yes, sir.

Alright, carry on.

[military band music]

Present...

arms!

By the right, quick march!

[military band music]

Come on, I'll show you our quarters and classrooms and things.

Lovely.

-Well, very nice to have met you , sir. -See you later.

Yes, well , you seem to have normal intelligence.

What are you doing in this state home for backward belligerents?

Look at it.

Well, I had some doubts at first, sir, but not any more.

Well, Darfmouth is grcat, especially our Lieutenant Commander.

You really do lcarn a lot, sir.

What, in the Navy? Fools teaching fools.

An intelligent man wouldn't have anything to do with it.

Lieutenant Commandcr Badger says the Navy doesn't want intelligent men .

Huh?

Oh...

Tell me now, this. . . this Lieutenant Commander,

-he's in chargc of your instruction, is he? -Yes, that's right, sir.

Seems to havc vcry original views about thc Navy.

He's full of ideas, sir, about Navy disciplinc.

Drinking and WRENS, anything you want to know.

He's grcat.

Ah, I'm intcrested.

Tell me what he says about thcsc things

and anything else that you can remember that he's taught you.

Well, he's a fantastic bloke, sir.

He says the Navy's run by idiots.

Good heavens, sounds most enlightening.

He says the Navy's old fashioned, sir.

No! This gets better and better.

I can't bclicve it. Tell me...

Do you mind telling mc a littlc morc about what he's bcen teaching you .

-Well, last week, sir. . . -[both chattcring]

[fanfare]

[George Dewberry] This brainlcss monstcr wc call thc Navy

stands accuscd out ol its own mouth.

I will quotc you thc words of a man who knows.

A man who prcsumcs to train othcrs to lollow in his own lootstcps.

L'm speaking of a senior instructor, at this very moment

subverfing British youth at the Royal Naval Collegc at Darfmouth.

I don't accusc him as an individual .

He is one of many, all perpetuating the idiocy

of an anachronistic service.

I have here thc statcmcnts

of one Lieutenant Commander Roberf Badgcr.

Or better known as the "Arfful Bodger".

[mournful jazz]

Idiots? Halfwits?

You looked through every fleet order?

A man can't bc shot for insubordination?

Not in peacetime, sir.

This isn't peacetime.

That man declared war on the Navy.

How could you say such things to a class of impressionable young fools?

Well, l wasn't speaking for publication, sir.

After all, one way to easc youngsters through the bib and tucker stage

is to trust 'em, tell them the truth , good or bad.

My job was to train cadets to be first-class officers.

I think these cadcts will bc.

Oh, I realisc they've still got a Iot to learn

about tact and diplomacy, but time will take care of that.

I feel this is hardly pertinent.

The Admiralty isn't interested in the personalities involved ,

the important thing is to save the First Lord embarrassmcnt.

The imporfant thing is how soon can we convene a court martial!

Have you thought about thc newspapers?

Thought of thcm?

Since he opened his mouth, I approach them only with long-handled tongs!

I may do my future reading in an asbestos suit.

You may need it.

The press are going to make some sizzling comments if the Bodgcr is chargcd.

If?!

Aftcr what he's done to the Navy?

I can see the headlincs now.

"Court martial or inquisition?

Is the Navy making an honest man a scape goat?"

The Pirst Lord cerfainly wouldn't care to stir up the prcss any morc.

I think we can agrcc that Lieutenant Commander Badger

must be removed from Uartmouth.

There can't bc any furfher question of his subverting cadets.

-Good afternoon, gentlemen. -Good afternoon.

[Admiral Pilmer groans]

Get rid of him!

Post him somewhcrc.

Anywherc.

Yes, sir. Of coursc, sir. Where, sir?

As far from me as possible.

Preferably where there's a chance of him committing a hanging offence.

[slow jazz]

I'm afraid I made a bit of a botch of things this timc, sir.

I wouldn't say you've given your career a leg up.

If only we could think of an appointment where you could be hidden away

and stay out of troublc.

And out of sight of Admiral Filmer's jaundiced eye.

Couldn't l be a naval attachó somewhere, sir?

America?

America?

That rings a bcll.

-Bodger, you're a genius! -Why, sir?

What would you say to a job with the American 5th Flcct?

-That's in the Mediterranean. -Near France.

The American Admiral's asking for British officers for liaison duties.

Well, that sounds pretty terrific to me.

I think I can fix that.

Admiral Filmer will do anything I suggest.

His office deal with all appointments.

Well , there's just onc thing though, sir.

I would appreciate your kecping an eye on Carson, Bowles and Dcwberry.

I think with a bit more time and training they'll makc good officers.

If those three had bcen with Nelson at Trafalgar,

-England would be a Prench colony today. -[chuckles]

I think you'rc well rid of them.

It's about time they Iearned to stand on thcir own fcet.

Thcy've been round my neck Iong enough.

Thcy're due to Ieave for their sea time as midshipmen soon.

L'll ask Admiral Pilmer to draft them to a commanding officcr

who'll really givc them some discipline.

Good luck to him, whocvcr he is.

He has my sympathy.

[triumphant brass music]

[jaunty music]

Well, for better or for worsc,

we'rc all still in the Navy.

American this timc,

and if you've ever been on your best behaviour, now's the time.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Carson, pull yourself together, man.

-You'rc still on dry land . -I'm tcrribly sorry, sir.

I'll try not to lct you down .

It's just the thought of the crossing from here to the ship, sir.

We don't appcar to have any ship to join .

The Admiral must fly his flag in an aircraft carricr.

It's only a cruiser out there.

Here, hang onto this, Bowles. I'll see if l can find out something.

Hello, hello!

Duty calls.

[triumphant music]

-I'll need you at 1 b00. -Very well, sir.

Oh! So sorry, old boy.

Oh, good morning.

I wonder if you can hclp me. ls there a carrier due in today?

You must be mistaken, sir, carriers never come in here.

-They always go to Canncs. -Really?

Thank you.

Hmm. Typical SAN FU .

Self-Adjusting Navy Foul-Up.

I can see we're going to feel very much at home amongst this lot.

Always work on the law of avcrages, sometimes known as the Bodgcr theory.

For every bright officcr, there are at least four idiots.

The man who assigned us to that carrier is an idiot.

Let's see. Order signed by an Admiral Ryan.

-You . -l beg your pardon.

-Lieutenant Commandcr Badger? -Excuse me.

Must be a pal of his.

-Can l help you? -l doubt it.

I've just put the name and the face together.

You'rc thc man who thinks that navies are run by idiots.

A-ha, l see my fame has spread .

-I don't think wc've met. -Reporf aboard my flagship immcdiately.

Your flagship? That cruiser?

I feel the question is unnecessary, sir, but may l ask who you are?

Just the idiot. l'm Admiral Ryan.

I thought so, sir. The question was unnccessary.

[strident brass music]

Excuse me, sir, but isn't the Admiral known as "Tiger Ryan"?

Tact, Bowles, was ncvcr one of your strongpoints.

-Yes, sir. -Where the devil's Dewberry?

-No. -Oh, you really should livc a bit.

Now, if you'll just close your eyes, dear girl ,

and let me put my arm round you,

you'll hcar beautiful music and feely twiggly all over.

Well, l'll keep my cycs open, thank you,

until I find the right man in the right place, at thc right time.

And as far as fecling twiggly...

Well, look, give yourself a chance to get to know mc.

-Dewberry? -Sir.

I know you and I don't fcel twiggly all over.

Oh, well, he wasn't causing me any troublc.

L'm sure. You're wanted on board immediately, at the doublc.

Aye-aye, sir.

Good morning. Lieutenant Commandcr Badger.

Lieutenant Carol Blair.

I read about you, you're somcthing of a celebrity,

-in a negativc sorf of way. -Charming.

And, from what l've read, you might not be considered

the Navy's best friend.

Poreign propaganda. You mustn't ever believe all that you read in the papers.

Oh, l don't.

I believe in finding out everything for mysclf.

So do l .

And that, of course, brings mc to you. Who exactly is Lieutenant Carol BIair?

I've been taught never to reveal any more than my name, rank and number.

But I am in the phoncbook.

If you'd like to call me up sometime when you're in Youngstown, Ohio.

Delighted.

And if you're not at homc, what's the next most likely place to find you?

L'm a nurse.

I spend most of my time in the British-American hospital, right up there.

Uh-huh.

If you develop a rare disease, do drop in.

I might just do that.

The male members of my family are prone to heart murmurs.

[jaunty music]

[loud barking]

Look out, guys, here comes the monster.

Mind your legs!

Words going round that somc of you have your noses out of joint

over the British officers joining us.

Really, sir? Well, l can't imagine why.

Do you think it's because most of them are kind of snobbish?

And this bunch thinks that all navies are washouts?

That's very gcncrous of you, Garrett.

There's nothing likc being fair, is there?

Providing it doesn't interfere with some damn fool prejudice you hold.

[triumphant music]

[whistle pecps]

Lieutenant Commandcr Badger reporting for duty as ordered , sir.

I'm Commander Spelling, Executive Officer.

-Welcome aboard . -Thank you, Commandcr.

Midshipman Uewberry.

Midshipman Carson, sir.

Midshipman Bowlcs.

Captain Hurley, sir.

This is Lieutenant Commander Badger.

-Glad to have you aboard . -Thank you, sir.

Commander, will you take these gentlemen to the ward room for some coffcc?

Of course, sir. Follow me, gentlcmcn.

First of all, l'll show you to your quarters, Mr Badger.

-Thank you, sir. -And then the Admiral wants to see you.

I guess we can use this table.

[loud barking]

Let's see, that'll be six coffees, steward .

-Welcome aboard . -Oh, thank you.

-So you're, er. . . -Dewberry.

-You're, er. . . -John Dewberry.

-You're English. -Oh, yes. Yes, and you're...

-American, yes. Cigarettc? -Oh, thank you.

Garrett.

-Oh, havcn't had one of those before. -No, that's my name.

Oh, hello.

[loud barking]

Albert!

[crashing]

Get off! Get him off!

I say, I'm good with dogs. Good dog. I'll handle this.

Ow! Get off!

-[men shouting] -[Alberf growling]

Come in.

Well, Albcrf! Who have you been playing with?

Huh? Good old boy. Yeah.

Lieutenant Commandcr Badger at your requcst, Admiral.

Thank you.

-Sit down. -Thank you, sir.

According to thc manual,

any man coming aboard a new ship starfs frcsh.

So, I'm willing to listen to any excuse or explanation

for your widely publiciscd comments about the Navy.

I have no excuse or cxplanation, sir.

Oh.

That's a mark in your favour.

Thank you, sir.

Let's undcrstand each other.

You're starting with two strikes against you.

If you and those thrcc youngsters do your jobs, you'II find me reasonable.

If any of you steps out of line just once, you'rc all through .

-I understand, sir. -Just so that's clear.

[loud barking]

Oh, don't worry about Alberf, he wouldn't hurf a fly.

Now, as to your assignmcnts,

you will assist Spelling in his duties as Executive Officcr.

Thank you, sir, I'd be delighted .

This Dewberry seems like an idiot. He probably is.

He's to be Assistant Entertainments Officer.

Er, beg your pardon, sir.

I realise, of course, that providing recreation and shows

for the ship's company is important,

but Dewberry is sometimes...

a bit overenthusiastic in...

in certain areas.

Hc'd be excellent though in Gunnery or Supply.

-Your criticism is noted . -Thank you, sir.

And overrulcd.

Aye-aye, sir.

Bowles will deal with the athletic programmc.

May l suggest, sir, that although Mr Bowles is a first-class athlete,

he is learning to control a hair trigger temper.

Mr Badger, l've not asked for your advice in this matter.

No, sir.

-Carson will be Mail Officer. -Ah, thank you, sir.

He can take the launch back and forth to shore,

for mail messages and so forfh.

Would you like to makc a commcnt?

No, sir.

Now, Mister, you're smart enough to know that I checked thc rccords

on you and thosc thrce.

Do you think it's accidental that l've given thcm thcse particular jobs?

I realise your choice was deliberate.

You undertook to teach these three men to be naval officers.

Now, maybe you succeeded .

But maybe they haven't got what it takes.

I intend to find out now, while this ship is anchored in a pcaccful bay.

If there's an emergency,

there won't bc any opportunity

to assign officers according to specialiscd talents.

They've got to pull their weight no matter where they're put.

Do you read me?

I do, sir.

-That'll be all. -Thank you, sir.

[mournful jazz]

[dramatic music]

[Alberf barking]

[Alberf growling]

Argh!

Argh!

Midshipman Carson, sir, first charge,

did on the 3rd of Junc commit an act

prejudicial to good order and naval discipline,

in that he did improperly paint the rectum of one male dog,

the property of Vice Admiral Ryan.

Second charge, did , on the 3rd of June,

improperly use onc can of government-issue paint.

You are an incompctcnt, dangerous, rock-headed fool!

Who me, sir?

I mean , yes, sir.

Have you anything to say?

No, sir, only that it was purely self-defcncc.

Self-defencc?

-Well, the dog attacked me, sir. -What?!

Arse first!

I feel surc the Admiral recognises the right

of Midshipman Carson to protect himself against attack.

By him? [chuckles]

By this sweet, loveablc puppy?

[he laughs]

I can produce cvidcnce, sir, that Mr Carson was in fact in danger.

Huh? Just a typical cxamplc of the well-known British humour.

Oh. I can assurc you, sir, that next to Oueen and country,

we British hold small animals most sacrcd.

But, Mr Badger, l know AIberf,

he wouldn't hurf a fly.

You know best, sir. lf the dog is always gentle,

then Carson must bc guilty.

Obviously.

Mr Carson,

in my time l have dealt with many despicablc...

-[Albert growls] -Alberf! No!

Now...

[Albert barking and growling]

[Admiral Ryan] Stop that!

Alberf, down. Down, you monster, before I ...

Down.

[smooth classical music]

Any old pills, bandagcs, horsc liniment?

We received a memo that you were coming in for an examination, Commander.

Now, that's a strange thing, nurse,

because just as soon as I found out that you were in this dcparfmcnt,

l began to develop peculiar symptoms.

Nothing trivial, l hope.

Why don't you sit down? The doctor will see you in a momcnt.

Well, I wouldn't drcam of rushing him.

Now, Lieutenant Carol BIair,

aren't you going to take my temperature or something?

Anything to keep you quiet.

I don't call this very friendly treatment.

Well, you see, we always try to impress our paticnts

with an impersonal efficiency during surgcry hours.

Oh.

-How do you fccl? -Very impressed.

-But l could be. . . more impressed . -Really?

Well, you see, when an attractive girl gets, shall we say, personal,

l always list ten degrees to porf at the first smile.

Mm. Well, at least your temperature is normal.

L'm surprised .

L'd better take a medical history.

Wc'll start at the beginning, shall we? Now, let's see.

When l was born, my parents were called Mum and Dad

and were considerably oldcr than l was.

Ah, coffcc.

-You really are quitc impossible. -[he chucklcs]

We always try to impress nurses with our personal impossibility

during surgery hours.

How do you fccl?

Ouite unimpressed .

Now, would you be kind enough to take off your jackct, plcase?

Delighted.

[chuckles]

Would you sit here, plcasc?

I say, what beautiful hands.

You're not cxpccting a normal reading on that thing, arc you?

You made the appointment.

I have to gct the preliminary reporf for thc doctor.

Well, l'm feeling much better now.

I still have to makc my rcporf.

Well, couldn't you make your report next Priday evening,

to me, personally, on board the flagship?

Hmm?

I say, couldn't you make your report to me personally on board the...

ls that an invitation?

Strictly in the interest of science.

One of my chaps is in chargc of enterfainment on board.

It starts at eight o'clock.

Can you managc it?

Strictly in the interests of scicncc.

How perfectly delightful.

In that case, it's not necessary for me to take up the doctor's time.

Well , that's nonsense, hc's looking forward to meeting you. He's British .

Oh, believe me, l'm cured.

[intercom buzzcs]

I think he's ready to see you now.

Oh, Lieutenant Commandcr Badger?

I can see you now.

Sorry l made you wait so long.

Will you come in?

[mischievous music]

-Hello, Commander. -Good evening.

Ah, Dewberry.

A good naval officcr should always encouragc his mcn

when their pcrformancc has been outstanding.

I must offer you my congratulations.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I didn't know you'd heard what l've laid on for tonight's show.

I haven't.

It's just that l'm considerably cheered by thc fact

that a whole week has passed without a new crisis.

Well done.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I say, l wonder if the Americans give medals

for outstanding pcrformance as an Enterfainmcnts Officcr.

I don't sce why not, they give them for evcrything else--

Admiral .

-As you were. -Launch coming along side, sir.

That's a visiting Consul General and his wife.

They're coming aboard tonight as guests of the American Navy.

Naturally, l am very anxious that we impress thcm

with the efficicncy and the dignity of this ship.

Wc're delighted to have you aboard.

[in broken English] Happy to anybody, no.

My wife talks Norfh American any much?

She think too it most high honourable of American men and boats.

Welcome.

Sure. Uh, yes, indeed .

Uh, won't you step this way?

-And very happy to you . -[she chuckles]

Well, good luck with the show, John.

It's about time one of us did something to impress the Bodger.

Well, he'll be impressed alright.

This is one show that would go down very well with any navy.

Well, I hope you're right.

Hope you'vc got a good show for us, Dewbcrry.

-L've done my best, sir. -You'd better. We'll be the judge of that.

You see,

these shows are designcd to provide wholesome entertainment

for the men of our fleet, who work hard at skilled , dangerous jobs.

This show dangcrous?

[speaking foreign language]

-We go now. -Oh! please, wait. I ...

Sit down, plcasc.

I didn't makc mysclf clear, no.

I meant, the men are a danger some...

I mean, it's perfectly harmless, it's pcrfcctly safe.

Suitable for a child of thrce.

Have me three childs too.

Happy you childs.

[laughs ncrvously] Yeah, cr...

[glitzy music]

[applausc]

-♪ Take it from me ♪ -[wolf whistles]

♪ A girl is a creaturc ♪

♪ Whose principal features are shyness and modcsty ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

[wolf whistles]

♪ Take it from me A girl of today is ♪

♪ Well, how shall l say it? As good as she nccds to be ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ I see me as the latcst modcl in. . . ♪

Popular act, isn't it?

Not in all quarters.

♪ You may not agree But what you can't see can't hurf you ♪

♪ Take it from me The moral of this is ♪

♪ The modern young miss is ♪

♪ A packet of purity ♪

♪ And if you believe l mean that ♪

♪ Seriously ♪

-Zaza! -[wolf whistles]

♪ You just don't know a girl is ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ A girl is a creaturc Whose principal features ♪

♪ Are just what they seem to be ♪

Bodger, chcric!

♪ Take it from me ♪

Say for childs? How old childs?

I'm very sorry, there's been a mistake.

♪ Take it from me The girl of today is ♪

♪ Well, how shall l say it? ♪

♪ As bad as she needs to be ♪

You are in the South of Prance and do not come to see my act?

-An old school chum. -The memory lingers on.

It has been ages.

♪ Men see mc ♪

♪ As a great big bundle of beauty ♪

♪ I'm paid to please ♪

♪ So all I'm doing is my duty ♪

Collette, my darling, you're as lovcly as cver but the show...

Why couldn't you have kept your clothes on?

But why? They liked . Look!

I am looking.

Is this an American ship or a burlesque theatre?

-L'm sure it's an American ship, sir. -Who's responsible for this?

Midshipman Uewberry, sir.

Unforfunately, not all scnior officers appreciate art, particularly Admirals.

Him? That's poopsie! He loves my act.

He was at my show last week in the front row. l go and kiss him.

[men wolf whistling]

Admiral Ryan? Poopsie?

Yeah, Poopsie Ryan. l go kiss him.

Not yet, Collettc. For my sake, please, not yct.

Okay, cherie.

Poopsic?

-Back in a minute. -Oh, don't lct mc spoil your class reunion .

♪ Take it from me A trip to a strip joint ♪

♪ A week at thc it joint ♪

♪ To study anatomy ♪

♪ We're sure your enquiring minds are the reason. . . ♪

Get that British blockhead here, the one who brought these women aboard!

Aye-aye, sir.

Por this, American childs?

That's very seldom of you.

-I hold you responsiblc for this. -Oh, sir.

Do you think American sailors are so depraved as to enjoy such trash?

Well, sir, I wouldn't say that all Americans find the show distastcful.

Are you contradicting mc?

No, sir, but Mademoiselle Collette has just told me of one officer in parficular

who enjoys her act immensely.

L'll have you know that...

What are you driving at?

I wonder if the Admiral knows thc officer? Poopsie, l think she called him.

-Poopsie? poopsic? -Ah, yes, yes. I heard you!

♪ Take it from mc! ♪

[wolf whistles]

Midshipman Dcwbcrry reporfing as ordcrcd, sir.

Get lost!

Cancel the rest of the show.

Aye-aye, sir.

On the double!

Didn't you know what Dewberry had up his sleeve?

Tell me, Carol, do I look like thc sorf of man

who deliberately sticks his head into a mincing machine?

-No. -No. But that's the story of my life.

Either I forget to keep my mouth shut or willy-nilly l'm forced to open it.

And out pops the devil?

With remarkable regularity.

Well, have you tried counting to ten?

-I can't count past three midshipmen . -[they chuckle]

[coughs]

-Yes, Carson , what is it? -Excuse me, sir.

The last boat is going ashore, sir.

Ah, you bring no tidings to warm my soul.

Here, you need this more than I do.

-You cerfain, sir? -Yes, you , sir.

Go on.

[she gigglcs]

Well, end of an evening.

-A very pleasant onc. -Hm-mm.

-But shorf. -Well, there's tomorrow.

Happily, assuming Admiral Ryan doesn't order the sun not to rise.

I was thinking of when it sets. About eight.

That's a nice thought.

And I might consider a privatc lcsson in how to tell my friends from thc cnemy.

Reserved and booked . Pirst of a series. Tomorrow at eight.

-Goodnight. -Bye.

-Tidy it up that end . -Aye-aye, sir.

What's up with you, Romeo?

Life is strange and bittersweet.

Philosophy, first thing in the morning?

Last night, I stood on this spot with a beautiful Prench chorus girl.

It was twiggly.

And in a few shorf hours, two muscle-bound idiots

will be hammering each other into a pulp. It's vcry crude.

It may be crudc,

but it'll be a large feather in the Bodger's cap if l can train one of our men to win.

Win what?

The fleet boxing championships, you idiot.

Pighting doesn't appeal to me. I just want to bc lovcd.

Look who's here.

I've been Iooking for you.

Your day should be bright now. You'vc found me.

Why did you try to cut me up with that girl last night?

Oh, I didn't have to try, old boy.

You do lack charm, you know. lt's sad but true.

How would you like a fat lip?

Well, I've had no complaints about my lips in their prcscnt state.

Look out, John. There's thc Bodger.

Dewberry, will you check that thc watch quarter and station bill is up to date?

Aye-aye, sir.

Duty calls, I'm afraid. Can't stay. Must dash.

Now, just a minute. We're not finished.

Uon't worry, I'll be back.

Come on , you blokes, we haven't got all day.

[jaunty jazz]

Oh!

Help!

Help! No!

[cries out]

[upbeat music]

[gulping]

[chuckles]

That thing's a menace.

What idiot's in that launch?

-It's Mr Carson, sir. -Mr Carson?

Admiral Ryan, sir.

I wish to apologise for last night's affair.

I can assure you it won't happen again.

-L've decided to forget the incident. -Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Er, Admiral, sir, would you care to see a copy of the training schedule

l've worked out for the midshipmen?

[upbeat music]

Your pal isn't coming back.

He's yellow, likc thc rest of you Limeys.

Now, I've bccn waiting for you to say something like that.

Why don't you comc in and repeat it?

Sure.

You know,

you've becn markcd gutless since we Yanks mopped you up in 1 77b.

It's funny you should say that

cos my great-grandfathcr fought with Cornwallis.

Soon he's gonna rest easier, sir.

Ooh!

[upbeat music]

Thank you, sir.

Erm. . . Admiral Ryan, sir.

Now what?

Are there any spccial ordcrs?

Just one and you can figure that out for yoursclf.

Aye-aye, sir.

Now, if you are deliberately trying to annoy mc...

Not at all , sir. Admiral, if you'll kindly step this way,

l think l might relieve your concern about the British junior officers.

The athletic programme is undcr way, sir.

Mr Bowles is supervising.

And l think l can promise you an excellent cxamplc

of Anglo-American coopcration.

Just step this way, Admiral, sir.

Bowles is very good at sport.

[dramatic music]

I must be going out of my mind.

Two of my officers fighting. l don't believe it!

[Admiral Ryan] You there!

[Alberf barking]

-Get off! -Albert!

Get off, dog! Gct off mc!

Help!

[Carson yelling]

Albert!

Dog overboard .

[loud crash]

Help!

[Alberf whining]

[Admiral Ryan] l see no reason for delay.

This formal investigation will come to ordcr.

Now l want one thing understood.

This board will , to the best of its ability,

render a decision based upon fact, not prejudice.

I want each member of this board to search his conscicncc

and to reach unbiascd, imparfial conclusions

when he finds the defendant guilty.

[Spelling coughs]

I mean, guilty or not guilty, naturally.

Mr Carson, how do you plcad?

Sir,

this is my first formal investigation so far.

It's very interesting

and I'd likc to study up on the procedurc a bit more

before l decide whether l'm guilty or innocent, sir.

Mr Badger, have you instructed this man on the seriousness of this charge?

Indeed , yes, sir.

I wish to state that Mr Carson admits crashing the launch.

Oh, that's vcry generous.

In fact, sir, he did it deliberately.

The prosecution rcsts in vicw of the blanket admission of guilt.

Defendant will retire while the board considers its vcrdict.

Sir?

We wish to move that the charges be dismissed

and the records expunged.

There are two investigations schcduled.

I hadn't thought it necessary to plan a third for you

because you are liable

for the actions of two out of the three officcrs involved.

However, if you'd Iike to try for the grand slam, keep talking.

We contend , sir,

that Midshipman Carson disregarded personal safety

in the highest tradition of the service.

I must tell you that it is your privilegc

to request a new trial.

If you believe, as I do, that the Lieutenant Commander

defending you has lost his mind.

I think the Bodgcr...

Lieutenant Commander's doing very well , sir.

Anyway, I can't wait to hear what he's got to say next.

We urge, sir, that a special citation for bravery

be given the accuscd.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

Displaying the greatest physical courage

and with skill and alertness,

Mr Carson risked bodily injury

rather than harm an innocent, gentle, dumb animal.

Because of his lovc for dogs,

and knowing the Admiral's affection for the animal in question,

Mr Carson determined to slam his launch

into the side of the cruiser

as the only possible coursc hc could take

to prevent running down poor AIberf.

I don't believe it.

I can assure you, sir, that I have intcrrogatcd

all those people who wcrc in a position to witness this unforfunatc cvent.

Regrettably, they were occupicd with a cerfain incidcnt

on the fantail

and were not ablc to look down into the water

until after the crash had occurred.

Luckily, howcvcr,

there is one who knows all the facts.

I refer, sir, of coursc,

to Midshipman Carson.

[he sighs]

How do you two plcad?

Lieutenant Commander Richards representing Mr Simpson, sir,

has consented that l enter a plea of not guilty for both dcfcndants.

No request that they be given medals?

No, sir.

The charge will be supporfcd by the testimony of over 20 witncsses, sir.

Do you deny fighting at the time and placc spccificd?

-No, sir. -No, sir.

Well, if you offer no cvidcnce of extenuating circumstances,

the board has no choice but to find you guilty.

The defence will produce no witncsscs, sir.

Then perhaps you can tcll mc how these two have the gall to plead not guilty?

Most certainly, sir.

I would ask the board to accept this cxhibit

as evidence for the defence.

How long's hc bccn in there now?

Exactly 29 minutes, 1 3 seconds.

-Not good , is it? -No. poor Bowlcs.

Now l know how an expectant father feels.

So I suppose giving birfh to twin miracles takes time.

There can't bc a way out for Bowles.

Miracle or not, he's guilty, there were witnesses,

dozens of them, and it's all my fault.

[whistling "Rule, Britannia!"]

-Well, what happencd? -When do you walk thc plank?

Do you mind if I usc this framc?

-Hang thc framc. -That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I've got somcthing here I'll treasurc for the rest of my life.

Well, come on, tell us. Dismissal? Prison?

What for?

L'm innocent.

Pure as the driven snow.

I don't believe it.

Well, there were quite a lot of doubts in the Admiral's mind, too,

until the Bodger allayed them.

Here, look what he produced for the board.

" 1 9th of June. To be posted on main bulletin board .

It is requested that those officers interested

be on the fantail at 1 000 hours

to compete in an elimination contest

for determining the officers' bare knuckle championship of thc flcet.

Signed, T. Bowlcs, Ship's Recreations Officer."

-[knocking on door] -Congratulations, boy.

-Marvellous. -Come in .

Well...

Oh, what do thcy want?

We've comc to bury the hatchet.

In whose head?

Ha! On the levcl, Simpson would have been kicked out

if it weren't for your Commanding Officer.

We figure we were wrong about you.

And way out on the Lieutcnant Commander.

Well, I starfed thc fight.

You could havc said so and got yourself off thc hook.

-Thanks. -That's our piece and wc've said it.

-Buddies? -Well, friends.

[Alberf barking]

-Hey, look out, here comes thc dog. -Here comes the dog again.

[laughtcr]

[indistinct chatter]

Now l'll believe anything.

What would you say to my transferring your three midshipman

to anothcr ship?

They can make it on thcir own or not

but you'd be free of the responsibility.

That is for you to dccidc, sir.

Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

L'm giving you a chance to protect yourself.

Thank you, sir, but if l have a choice, l'd rather stay with my men.

You're too smarf to think this situation can go on much longer.

Oh, l admit you've done amazingly well

in winning some minor skirmishes,

but you'rc a cinch to lose the war.

I sincerely regret the incidcnts which have occurred , sir.

I hope there'II be no others.

Carson, Bowles and Dcwberry are potentially good men.

They'vc made mistakes but are better for what they've learned.

L'd like thcm to have a chance, sir.

Arc you suggesting that l'm prejudiced and persecuting thcm?

I didn't say that, sir.

Well, maybe l am prejudiced but l doubt it.

Those three are teetering on the brink.

If they trip one way, end of career,

loss of time, effort and potential.

But if they go the other way then everybody wins.

The Navy has three good men and three good men have the Navy.

Just how long do you cxpect me to watch them tcctcr?

With respect, sir, that is a question only an Admiral can answer.

Mm.

Alright.

AIright, you say they've learned . We'll find out.

Now, if they'vc grown into be men we can usc thcm.

Eut if they're still boys,

your judgement is on the Iine and you stand to fall with them.

-Is that clear? -Yes, sir.

New assignments.

Bowles becomes Assistant Gunnery Officer.

Dewberry goes to Supply and Carson is on Radar.

Thank you, sir.

Effective in 72 hours.

Yes, sir.

And are they to continue with their present jobs until then?

They have three days to prove that you're right about them.

And you'rc under orders to give them no assistancc, that clear?

I understand, sir.

May l ask what their new assignments arc to bc?

Well, l'm giving them duties where they can provc thcmsclves.

You know,

a sailor ashore on the Riviera is exposed to many temptations.

Liquor, women, brawls.

And the men who policc...

[military bugle]

Shore patrol?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[jaunty music]

[woman crying out]

Hello, hello!

I can handle this section. You chaps trot along on your rounds.

[speaking brokcn Frcnch] Garcon, venir here. Naughty garCon.

GarCon, donne-moi le peashooter.

Oh.

Donne-moi! Prappó-vous on your derriere.

Ah. Bonjour!

Aller!

Oh, how can l ever thank you?

There arc ways.

[speaking French] Cheers, matc.

Uon't forgct what you owe me.

No kidding.

[Prenchmen laugh]

Are you the proprietor?

Oui.

Well, this sailor says he was short-changed .

What, by me? Honest Marcel?

If he's honest, Jesse James was a choir boy.

Now, Iook, we'vc had a lot of reports of this sort of thing.

He says you owe him 40 francs.

Do you know what this is?

This make tall sailor very short!

Imagine what it will do to you.

-Why, you! -Steady on, Jack.

If you starf a fight, you'll have to pay for what gets broken.

[speaking French] Don't worry about it.

It's only his face that will get smashed.

What did he say?

The only thing that gcts broken is his facc.

[laughtcr]

Now, come on, Jack.

A fight means thc cclls for you.

[man singing] ♪ Drunk last night ♪

-♪ Drunk the night before ♪ -[man] Alright, buddy, come away from there.

♪ Gonna get drunk tonight Like l've ncvcr bccn drunk before ♪

-Listen, we asked you to get down from there! -I'm drunk!

Alright, buddy, just pretend you're a bird and fly down.

[continues singing]

It's not good . Man, he's loaded.

Guess I'll go up.

What's thc trouble?

Nothing serious, sir, hc just had a little too much elbow cxcrcisc.

You !

♪ The lowland action. . . ♪

Sailor! Come down!

Uh-uh.

You! Come up!

♪ Glorious! ♪

Sir, it might be quicker and safer if we went up to get him.

It won't take a minute. l've only to cut through that alcoholic haze

and touch the enlisted man's basic respect and regard for an officer.

-Where's your pridc in your uniform? -Hmm?

Where's your pridc in your uniform?

Here.

-Have a drink! -[mischievous music]

[laughtcr]

I once heard it rumoured

that a man on a date with a girI

is supposed to be vaguely aware of her prcscncc

from time to time.

Mm-hm.

-The moon is made of green cheese. -Uh-huh.

Oh, well .

It's almost four o'clock, would you like to kiss mc?

Mmm.

Hey, what's that you said?

Oh, that did it.

Well, it's nicc to know that some reactions arc still working.

Never mind that, what did you say just now?

Oh, I was just talking to mysclf, which I've been doing for some time now.

It's really boring, you know, because I never tell myself the uncxpccted.

Well, it sounded fascinating to me.

Tell me, what is bothering you?

Report back to the ship.

-Mr Bodger, sir. -Hello, Garrett. What is it?

AII shore leave's cancelled, sir.

The flagship sails at 1 900 hours.

Well, that's that.

For a moment, I thought our three friends had boobed again.

Evcn they couldn't get the American fleet to up anchor and stcam away.

Or could thcy?

Well, with sea duty instead of shore patrol ,

it'll bc casier for them to get past the deadline.

That's a point.

Which reminds me, when l get back,

I must have a long chat with you

about a number of things.

Such as?

Nothing imporfant.

Just odds and cnds.

How you plan to spend the rcst of your life.

Garrett, do you mind?

L'm sorry, sir, it's about Carson, Dewberry and Bowles, sir.

I've just comc from Shore Patrol HO.

They haven't rcporfed back since they went ashore. lt's mighty strange.

Any reason to suspect anything wrong?

Oh, no, sir, no.

That's reason cnough .

Well, sir, l'll keep Iooking for them but what do l do if l can't find them?

Well, there are threc of them and three of us.

We'll dividc thc town and meet on the jetty in half an hour,

hopefully with our quarry bagged. You go that way. Carol...

l know a little restaurant which is trës intimate.

Avec soft lights, sweet music, champagnc...

It's trós romantic.

Marvellous. Tonight?

Salut!

-My cousin. My fiancó. -My mistake.

[speaks Prench] Get out of here!

Wc'd better settle this Iike gentlemen.

Perhaps l could offer you money?

[Dewberry] Oh, I say.

I am going to tear you into little pieces!

-English idiot! -Oh, really?

What on earth is going on here?

Do you know this snake?

He tries to make love with my fiancó.

-My husband? Makc lovc? -He's. . . He's...

Oh, Charles, how could you?

I mean, think of the children.

The children?

Oh, yes, of coursc, ycs.

Whatever came over you?

Porgive me, Daphne.

-It's this tropical heat. -Oh, take me homc, Charlcs.

Thank you, monsieur. Thank you a thousand times.

[speaks Prench] At your service, madam.

Oh!

Look, they call me Honcst Marccl.

So, I tell you what.

I give him 20 francs, huh?

-Then they'll call you Half Honest Marcel . -[laughtcr]

-Now we're getting somewhere. -Now come on.

40 francs or I'll have this bar put off limits.

Alright.

I pay.

Voila!

Mcrci, chcric.

[Bowles] l'm prepared to forget this incident now. l'm glad you saw it my way.

-Thank you vcry much. -Don't mention it.

Now get out of hcrc as soon as you can, okay?

Yeah, cr...

And now, to show thcrc is no hard feeling...

you have a littlc drink with Honest Marcel, ch?

No, thank you , I can't drink while l'm on duty.

Well, alright. Just a small one.

In the interests of international relations.

I mean, what is a glass of winc to an officer and a gentleman?

Indeed .

-Vive la Francc! -Up the Arsenal.

[laughtcr]

Mm, trës bon.

Everything alright, sir?

Yes, fine.

Well, some time when I'm off duty l'll pop in for some more of that.

It's the best l've ever tasted.

-Ah, tout alors. -Oui.

-[mischievous music] -[laughtcr]

Who put the hole in thc floor?

-Now Iet's gct him out of here. -Yeah.

[laughtcr]

I like that, let's play it again!

Alright.

-You come down and we will. -Promise?

Come on.

Help me.

Help me, pleasc.

Now, sailor, stand to attention.

Stand to attention!

You didn't really want to play at all. You cheatcd.

-And salute an officer! -Okay.

-Oh! -Why don't you mind where you're going?!

L'll handlc this myself. Let him go.

Well, let him go!

-Hold him! -You want to play?

At Iast. What the devil's all this about?

Well , sir, this sailor seems to have drunk too much.

But l think l can convince him that his behaviour's

not in the best intcrcsts of the service.

You've alrcady convinced me, Carson, that you're a ruddy fool.

And I have proof!

Get him back to thc ship, as quietly as possible.

-[drunk sailor chuntcrs] -Get you on your feet.

When you come across a drunk,

don't stand in front of him flaunting your gold braid,

or you'll get clobbcrcd and deserve it.

Stand asidc and let the ratings handle him.

Yes, but, sir, I'vc done a lot of research on drinking.

Yes, l'm quite sure you've read all the best books on how drunks behave.

Unfortunately, the drunks may not have read the samc books.

And I'm sure the Admiral hasn't.

-Now, come on! -Yes, sir.

[mischievous music]

Hmm!

Look at you .

After just three hours of shore patrol,

my imagination wilts at what you might have achieved in thrcc days.

Call yourselves naval officers?

It's just possible that we're looking at a trio of officers

unique since Captain Kidd was out recruiting.

[Carol] Well, at least they're back in time.

Excuse me, sir. The launch is coming in.

Right. Wait at the landing stage.

Really!

They've just been unlucky.

Bad luck is usually due to bad judgement.

Well, that's perfectly silly.

It's pcrfcctly true.

As for them, well, they've used up their quota of Iuck.

Now where's that famous Bodger optimism?

Very much in evidence.

I expect to see you whcn I get back.

That isn't optimism, that's a cinch.

Take care of yoursclf.

[romantic music]

[mischievous music]

Pick him up!

-I report my return aboard , sir. -Aye-aye, sir.

What's the buzz about sailing orders?

-Havc they recalled the ship's company? -Come on! Shh!

I don't know, sir, we havcn't been given our ordcrs yet.

[they continue chatting]

[mischievous music]

-Mr Badger. -Sir?

You'd better start to prepare your defence

for the Board of Enquiry when we return to harbour.

Aye-aye, sir.

Ready for sca, sir.

And you'd be wise to keep those...

"officers" out of my sight.

Very good , Admiral.

[jaunty music]

L'm sure you're all aware of the revolution

which has occupied thc hcadlines for the past sevcral days,

so it will come as no surprise to you

to learn that we are sailing for Maroneia...

and will arrive there late tonight.

Now,

the President of Maroneia has held office for 1 3 years.

Elections are held cvcry four years

but the results may be open to question.

Last time the president's electoral board

announced his re-election by the largest majority in history.

In fact, it was 1 7D/o largcr than the entire population.

[laughtcr]

Anti-government activity flared into open revolt last Sunday.

News has been strictly ccnsorcd

but, according to our reporfs,

a cerfain impasse has now bccn rcached .

We do know one thing.

The rebels are holding out in a Iarge building opposite the palace.

And they have a hostage, an American citizcn.

And that's where we come in .

We must protect that Amcrican

without offending the government, the rebels, the civilian population,

the world prcss, or probably anybody's Aunt Sally.

We hope that a show of strength will do thc trick.

But if it doesn't, you might as well know now,

we'rc in trouble.

[balalaika music]

-Mr Badger, sir. -Yes?

-Could I speak to you a minute, sir? -Surely. Come in.

It's about Carson, Dewberry and Bowles, sir.

They've scuttled the ship?

-No, sir, just that we can't find them. -What?

We've searched this ship from top to bottom, sir, they'rc not aboard .

Right, come on.

[dramatic music]

-[crowd cheering] -[man] They starfed thc rcvolution!

But we, the students and workers, will finish it!

A plague on both sides!

[crowd cheering]

And as for that warship out there,

they won't force us to accept corrupt leadcrs,

not while there's a breath in our bodies!

[crowd cheering]

That must bc thc President's palace over there.

[man's spccch continues]

And l should think this is the rebel headquarfers.

[Carson] We'll rcscuc the hostage and give Bodgcr thc crcdit,

then they can't turn him out.

Let one of those foreigners come ashorc,

and l'II tear him to p...

[Iaughs] We'll tcar him to pieces

with our bare hands!

[crowd cheering]

We'd bcttcr sce if we can find a way in through the back.

We'll try the first door and if we get shot, it's the right one.

Alright, come on.

...and l say to you comrades that right is might!

[jaunty music]

[mischievous music]

It's lockcd.

Yes, so is this one.

He might be in thcrc.

Whistle something American.

-What? -"Anchors Awcigh".

How does it go?

[whistling]

Okay, okay.

[whistles "Anchors Awcigh"]

[tense music]

The place is dcscrfcd.

L'm going to try to bash it down .

[grunting]

I wonder if you could direct us to the headquarters

of the British Hunting and Chess Society?

[jaunty music]

[crowd cheering]

My Colonel, my Coloncl! We have captured thrcc spies.

Shoot thcm.

Hey, just a minute, we're not spies!

He says you are spies. He's a truthful man.

Don't bc ridiculous!

We're British officers assigned to the American flcct.

If we were spies, would we wear these uniforms?

You think all l have to worry about is the fashion in spy clothes?

Shoot thcm.

Not here.

[sobbing] l have such a headache!

I must warn you ...

that my father is a member of the British House of Parliamcnt.

My father is member of moral disarmament.

Do l bother you with my problems?

Okay, okay. You don't want to get shot as spies.

I understand.

Shoot them as political agcnts.

-Do you have plenty ammunition? -Enough, my Coloncl.

But it is food we don't have!

Er, maybe we shoot the hostage too.

He eats too much, papa!

Well, if you'd like to keep us as hostages,

we don't eat very much.

Take them away, maybe shoot them later.

When my headache is better!

[rebel speaker] Let us bracc ourselves and overthrow these traitors...

[gunshot]

Up with your hands!

I told you not to shoot that thing. Don't you know the Colonel has a headache?

Inside!

That's just the direction I was going.

[crowd cheering outsidc]

Alright!

Well, it looks as if another bunch of suckers has been bagged.

Midshipman Carson, Bowles and Dewbcrry.

You must be the American hostage.

Only until the American government finds out about it and sends a warship.

Well, they've sent one. We'rc attached to it.

Well, if the Navy's here, why didn't they send out a rescue parfy?

We rather thought we were a sort of rescue party.

[Dewberry] Sir.

[strident brass music]

We've found another spy, sir.

Shoot him, where I won't hear the noise.

What do you stand to gain?

PIease! I don't want to argue.

Just get shot, quictly.

You may considcr yoursclf my prisoner, sir.

-You have a gun? -No.

-You havc mcn? -Three.

No doubt you havc thcm tuckcd away hereabouts somcwhcrc.

They're my prisoners and you're my prisoner too!

Technically, perhaps, but only in the short view.

Uo you know something I don't know?

Suppose I said I could gct you out of this revolution. . . alive?

You know how?

Who needs you?

Have another drink, have another drink!

You will agree, of coursc, that the revolution is virfually over.

Don't tcll anyone, it was over before it starfcd.

Revolutions should run on time, likc trains.

Two weeks early, they started ,

just because the man who was to dynamite the radio station

wanted to get it ovcr so hc could get married on a saint's day.

Pity. He's happily wed, l trust?

Ah! To a lovely girl .

How delightful .

-Never mind him! -[crash]

l'm what's important to me.

Actually, the plan is very simple.

You were apprehended by a patrol from the fleet, myself and my thrcc mcn.

I was?

Under our jurisdiction you are taken to the ship.

-I am? -What happens then, I can't guarantee,

but at Ieast you'll bc off Maroneian soil and out of reach of thc government.

You'rc a genius! Mwah!

You'rc a genius!

[laughing]

Get my bags, the lockcd ones.

And hurry up, you numbskull, can't you see I'm prisoner?

-Oh, well, I will kill him! -No, no, no, you idiot.

If he kills you, l'II kill him.

So many times he wish you wcrc dcad. Now, do as you arc told.

And bring back the thrcc British officers and the hostage.

And shut the door.

This is the worst run revolution I cvcr saw.

A man can't even surrender in peace.

And now with that mob out there,

l cannot make a private little deal with that silly brother of mine, the president.

He's in just as much trouble as I am.

Hmm.

It could get worse.

[crowd cheering outsidc]

[speech continucs outside]

Well, sir, I guess we did it again.

You know, you three are wearing the wrong uniforms.

You should be in the Boy Scouts.

Another rescuer?

Why don't they send in some Americans who'd know what they were doing?

Well, they're holding back the first team

to give us substitutes a little expericncc.

I'm rcady.

I travel light.

You stay here till l get back.

Wait a minute, you can't leave without me, I'm your prisoner.

L'm turning you over to them.

And if l don't get back,

I recommend prayer as thc most hopeful course of action.

If you don't mind . Thank you.

We have thc powcr!

We must use it! Death to the tyrants!

Death to the imperialists!

-[cheering] -[man] put them all before a firing squad!

-[man] Kill the Coloncl! -[woman] Shoot thcm all!

[man] Down with the government!

[cheering and whistling]

An imperialist!

Alberto!

Imperialist!

I must remind you ,

this is a flag of truce, you know.

There is no flag of truce bctwccn us!

[crowd] No!

Well, that's a pity.

Por you , of course.

There happen to be a number of heavy guns trained in this direction.

They make more noise than you do.

You won't talk our people into slavery.

[crowd] No! No!

Farfhest thing from my mind, dcar boy. Por you .

Thank you.

Now, if you'll just let me cross to the palace,

I think a few differenccs of opinion might be resolved

without a lot of corpscs bcing strewn hither and yon.

No, no, you are thc cnemy.

[crowd] Ycs!

You can have just as much fun making an example of me

when I return from thc palace.

Martyrdom can wait for both of us.

What have you got to lose?

You wouldn't have those heavy guns spoil your show.

We have your word you will comc out?

The solemn oath of an imperialist.

Oh! [laughs]

He may be lying.

But get a rope to hang him just in case he's telling the truth.

[man] Let the Englishman speak!

Alberfo, lead thc way!

Imperialist...

Oh, imperialist...

[laughs]

Good luck.

I think he's made it.

How can he take such a chance when l'm his prisoner?

Uoesn't he carc what happens to me?

[strident brass music]

Lieutenant Commandcr Badger, sir.

Her Majesty's Royal Navy, on duty with the American fleet.

I am the President of a sovereign state

and I refuse your ultimatum.

Wc haven't presented one.

A mere technicality.

I expect you will observe the Geneva Convcntion

and give reasonable warning before you commencc shclling.

In fact, l insist upon it.

Oh, with respcct, sir,

we would like to explorc a solution which would avoid bloodshed.

-[crowd cheering] -Well done, Alberfo. This will prove...

For me?

I wish l thought so.

They wouldn't darc. Not to the Bodger.

Well, l don't know what we can do.

But hc's not going out there alone.

Come on!

[crowd cheering]

Ah, an honest imperialist!

Everything is ready now for your hanging.

-Alberfo, prepare thc rope! -[woman] Hang him up!

[crowd cheering]

We'vc got the rope! Ah, up with him, lads.

If you chaps would postpone the festivities arranged in my honour,

l think we might all have a much somewhat brighter future.

Time to get bright after you hang!

[cheering]

[Badger] Wait just one moment!

You rcalise you're hanging your hopes to a peaceful end to all this?

You'll prove to the world we mean business.

-Cheer up, you're practically a marfyr! -[cheering]

[gunfirc]

[screaming]

Three more!

Ah, but only three!

Do you think you can kill us all?

-[crowd] No! -I say!

Let him go and nobody gets killed.

Are we afraid to dic?

[crowd] No!

Will we let three men stand in our revolutionary path?

[crowd] No!

Go on, my men! Go on!

[crowd clamouring]

Clear out, the threc of you, while the going's good!

That's an order!

[President on tannoy] My good pcoplc,

this is thc lathcr olyour country.

-[crowd boos] -[President] Shut up!

I mcan, Iistcn to my mcssagc which I hcvc carclully prcparcd.

I havc scarchcd my soul to lind thc bcst path

for you, my childrcn, to follow.

I havc cvcn considcrcd Icaving this bclovcd country.

[cheering]

Don't bc so happy, I'm not going anywhcrc.

[crowd boos]

[crowd clamouring]

That settles it! Hang thcm all!

[crowd cheering]

Wait!

I am proposing a summit mccting bctwccn all partics conccrncd.

With Licutcnant Commandcr Badgcr

as chairman to guarantcc ncutrality and fairncss.

There will be present that pipsqueak brothcr of mine,

the Colonel, who thinks hc knows how to run a revolution.

I accept!

But hc is the pipsqueak!

I am the patriot! l pray!

[crowd laughing]

They are both pipsqueaks!

-Do we need thcm? -[crowd] No!

Also, at this meeting will be a chosen reprcscntative

of the people now assembled in the town square.

A coalition government will be formed and all will have an cqual voice.

I go to thc summit

to bring our peoplc a ncw deal!

And with it a ncw tcch venture day!

[crowd cheering]

I don't think wc need a Navy, sir.

If you were a captain, you could patrol thc world alone.

Three more midshipmen likc you and I'd have to.

[crowd cheering]

Lieutenant Commandcr Badger, front and ccntrc.

In recognition of outstanding performance

in the highest tradition of our peacctimc Navy,

my government is pleased to confer this honour upon you.

And if you're ever transferred from Darfmouth again,

I hope it'll be to my command .

Thank you, sir.

Ship's company dismissed!

[upbeat music]

-Congratulations, sir! -Couldn't havc done it with you!

Have all the honours and attention made you forget thosc questions

you were going to ask mc?

Not at all .

I've even added a new one.

How do you feel about life at a naval academy?

[military band music]

Left, right, left!

Left, right, left!

Left, right, left!

[man shouts drill commands]

Squad , halt!

Right. . . turn!

Commander Badger, sir.

Well, Acting Sub-Lieutenant Uewberry?

I don't Iike to say this, sir, but we'rc vcry worricd about you,

very worried indeed .

When they start worrying about me, that's whcn l start worrying.

There's usually a vcry good reason for it.

If not, they go out and crcate one.

Well, you see, sir, now you'rc back at Dartmouth

and you're in chargc of these new cadets...

Well, we just don't want you to get into trouble, sir.

We've looked them over, sir.

They're a terribly scruffy Iot. Look like halfwits.

The Navy must be gctting shorf of recruits.

He's quite right, sir, l don't know what the school's do to them these days.

It'll takc fivc ycars to make them any use to man or beast.

Well, look at thcm!

[instructor] Get your feet togcther!

Look up, stand still, gct your chest out,

bring your shouldcrs back!

[chuckles] Congratulations, l'm convinced you'll all be Admirals.

You already sound like several I've heard .

I don't quitc understand, sir.

Admirals never do, right?

Right.

[chuckles]

Uo you think he'll be able to manage without us?

[jazz music]

[triumphant music]