Original subtitles

When has there ever been?

Oh, OK, you two. Take the night off.

We might as well bring up the house lights

and say good night to everybody.

Thank you, and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show.

Listen, I really feel bad about this,

but I have a special announcement.

Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.

Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been canceled.

Tonight's show has been canceled.

What do you think?

I think I could do that.

Play as well as you can.

Go, team! Go!

Give me a "L." Give me an "I."

Give me a "V." Give me an "E." L-I-V-E.

-She's really something, huh? -Live.

I could do that.

Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.

Clarence! Clarence!

Help me, Clarence!

Get me back!

Oh, he is my favorite.

I want to do that.

...my wife and kids.

Help me, Clarence, please.

Please! I want to live again.

Mom, Dad, I want to thank you both for meeting me here.

-Of course. -We live here.

Indeed, you do. That's great, Dad.

So, I want to get right to it.

I know you've got plenty on your plate.

I have made a very important life decision.

I couldn't be more excited, and, frankly, I can only hope

that you will be as enthusiastic as I am about the prospect.

What is it?

I've decided...

to become... an actor!

Well...

I...

I think that's a very brave decision, son.

Being an actor isn't easy.

It's not all fun and games. It's a lot of work.

I know, Dad, and that's an excellent point.

I am ready and prepared to do all the work necessary

to become a fine actor.

Have you thought about what kind of actor you'd like to be?

What do you mean?

Well, would you like to be a serious actor

or a funny actor,

a TV actor, a movie actor, or a theater actor?

I want to be all of it.

Mike Ditka, Dick Butkus Mike Ditka, Dick Butkus

Mike Ditka, Dick Butkus Mike Ditka, Dick Butkus

We use words like "honor," "code," "loyalty."

We use these words as a backbone of a life spent defending something.

You use them as a punch line!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank you, Peter. I mean that now.

Développé out.

Passé.

Développé out. Passé.

Thank you very much.

You can do anything.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Don't you know Everyone wants to laugh?

My dad said, "Be an actor, my son

But be a comical one"

They'll be standing in lines

For those old Honky-tonk monkeyshines

Or you can study Shakespeare And be quite elite

Just slip on a banana peel The world's at your feet

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Hell of a number, son.

I've never seen anything like it.

You are a very special boy.

Thank you, sir.

A special boy like you needs someone to look out for him

and make sure those very unique talents be put to good use.

I want to be that protector.

A custodian of your talent. How does that sound?

Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. I won't let you down.

Oh, I'm sure you won't, son.

I'm sure you won't.

Someone get the boy a glass of chocolate milk to celebrate.

Holy crap, that's good!

There's a whole lot more where that came from.

Buckle up, son.

This is gonna be a hell of a ride.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Don't you know Everyone wants to laugh?

My dad said, "Be an actor, my son

But be a comical one"

They'll be standing in lines

For those old Honky-tonk monkeyshines

Or you could study Shakespeare And be quite elite

And you can charm the critics And have nothing to eat

Or slip on a banana peel The world's at your feet

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh

Make 'em roar, make 'em scream

Take the fall...

So, things are very good in our world, huh?

At this rate, you'll never have to worry about another thing

for the rest of your life.

You just keep doing exactly what you're doing,

and I'll take care of the rest.

Well, that's the thing.

I don't know if I can keep doing exactly what I'm doing.

-See, I'm starting to get tired. -Tired?

Well, of course you're tired. You're the hardest-working boy in this town.

That's why you are where you are.

You have to remember, acting isn't all fun and games.

No, I know. It's just...

I don't know.

I thought it would be fun to try something...

different.

Different?

Son, people don't pay for different.

They pay for your greatest hits. They pay for the flips.

You can never forget there's a line of boys

winding outside the studio gate

who would give their left leg just to be you,

to be doing those flips.

How would they do those flips with only one leg?

I understand how you feel.

We all get tired sometimes.

I know what will do just the trick.

Garçon.

I'd like you to bring this special boy

a carton of your finest chocolate milk.

Of course, Mr. Coleman, Esquire.

We have a Knudsen and our house blend.

I said the finest!

This is the Clown Faced Boy.

He's not gonna drink any goddamn house blend!

Yes, sir. Knudsen it is. Right away.

Now, listen, we've come a long way together,

and you've got all the toys a boy could ever want.

I understand that it might be time to take a little break,

enjoy your life, maybe think of a new song to sing.

Maybe I could do a sad song?

Well, let's not get crazy. No, it will be a funny song.

But it can be a little less funny if you want,

as long as it's still very funny.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

What I am proposing is that we do one last show.

Our biggest yet.

We'll ride that train to the end of the track

and then hop off right before it slams into a brick wall.

That sounds a little risky.

Well, I actually didn't mean to say that last sentence.

Ah, here we go.

Just pour away. Pour away.

Come on, son. Drink up.

Don't stop with a little.

You've earned it. Drink up.

Don't worry, son. There's plenty more where that came from.

Two minutes to curtain.

Thank you.

Are you scared?

No. I don't really feel anything.

Yeah.

Me neither, I guess.

You know this is the end, right?

Yeah.

Of course.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Don't you know Everyone wants to laugh?

My dad said, "Be an actor, my son

But be a comical one"

They'll be stand-- in lines

For those old Honky-tonk monkeyshines

Or you could study Shakespeare And be quite elite

Charm the critics, nothing to eat

Slip on a banana peel, feet

Laugh, make 'em laugh Make 'em laugh

Make 'em roar, make 'em scream

Take the-- butt a wall Split a seam

Start off by pretending You're a dancer with grace

Wiggle till-- Giggling all over the place

And then you've got A great big custard pie in the face

Make 'em laugh

Ha, ha, ha, make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Ha, ha, ha, make 'em laugh

Make 'em laugh

Ha, ha, ha, make 'em laugh

Where's Octavio?

He left. But he said to give you this.

So, yeah, that was my last drink.

I guess by the end, I felt...

like, used up or empty.

I don't know.

Lost... Lost myself along the way.

I used to think that I could do anything, and I sort of did.

And now I don't even know what I'm supposed to do next.

Literally, when I walk out this door, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

And for the past 20 years, what I would do

is I would make a bunch of jokes and make you all like me.

But I don't think anything is funny right now,

and... I don't like myself.

I don't expect you to like me.

I feel done.

I don't want to be here.

I don't know how I ended up in this room.

I'm really mad at myself that I ended up in this room.

And I wish that I had something inspirational to share

for the newcomer.

Nope.

Sorry. That's my share for today.

Thank you, Jason.

Hey.

Jason.

Sorry.

For what?

I don't... I don't know.

I know it's a habit, but you shouldn't apologize

when you haven't done anything wrong.

You'll like yourself better.

OK. Thank you.

I related to what you said.

Obviously, it wasn't the same as you, but...

I know what it feels like to be emptied out.

Yeah.

Sorry that you had to deal with that, too.

And I also know what it feels like to not know what to do next.

I am a grown woman, and I once had to ask another grown woman

what to do on a Sunday.

I had no idea.

I had seen things in movies and TV, like picnic in the park or museum,

but... I just had no experience with a sober Sunday.

What do you do on a Sunday?

Picnic in the park, museum...

OK. Thanks.

Anything you want, really.

I started making stuff again, so that keeps me busy.

Turns out my life is pretty simple, and...

there's a lot of beautiful junk laying around

waiting to be made into something cool.

Well...

I hope to see that someday.

Now?

What do you mean? Right now?

Why not?

There's always now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

And...

now.

What, do you have somewhere to be?

No.

I have nowhere to be.

OK.

Hey, what's your name?

Simone.

Simone.

Simone? Hey!

Simone?

Simone?

Why are we doing this?

Look both ways before you cross the street.

You didn't tell me there would be physical... activity.

Is this where you work?

It's where I everything.

-Is this yours? -No.

No, I work on the farm.

I... scoop up horseshit and whatnot.

But they let me live here, so...

And I get to make stuff, so it's worth it.

Yeah.

That's my Memory-to-Media Center.

Are there any... pictures you're in?

No, no. I...

I take the pictures.

Safe behind the camera.

So you'll never find me in there.

Young me.

God, to have a conversation with my younger self.

That girl was a mess.

I love this.

-Please touch. -Yeah?

-Give it the old spin-a-roo? -Spin-a-roo.

How do you come up with all this... different stuff?

I don't know. It comes to me in dreams a lot.

It's like echoes of a former life.

I don't sleep very well.

-I'm lucky if I make it to 3:00 a.m. -That will get better.

I keep hearing that.

Don't know where to start at the moment.

It's always best to start at the beginning.

With you.

And, like, what you like.

What do you like?

I have no idea at the moment.

It was easier when I was drunk guy.

Sit down. If you want to.

Don't think. Just write.

What do you like?

-What? -Nothing. It's just...

This is stupid.

My list. My list is stupid.

-Can I see? -You want to see?

Yeah, prepare to be wowed. Here you go.

"Spooky."

And "surprises."

These are two great things. I love these things.

I love them, too. But I'm also a grown man.

You asked me to make a list of things I like. I came up with two things.

One was "spooky" and one was "surprises."

And that's it.

So I would call that...

pretty humiliating.

Jason, I have an idea, but you're gonna need to trust me.

I'm open to anything at this point.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this.

Take a chance.

Mr. Segel, we've been expecting you.

-I'm Jason. Nice to meet you. -Indeed.

We have you staying for two nights.

I hope you don't mind, but I've upgraded you to the Jejune Suite.

You didn't have to do that. Thank you--

It's my pleasure, sir.

Rest awaits on the floor 16.

Grab my card for you.

That won't be necessary.

Enjoy your stay in Divine Nonchalance.

OK. Thank you. Thanks.

Yeah, hello?

See you tomorrow, Norman.

What? I'm sorry?

In Divine Nonchalance.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Come on, Jay.

-Hi. -Your check.

My check?

My wallet and phone?

Change is on the table.

Enjoy the ride, Norman.

-My name is Jason. -Today your name is Norman.

"The music shall set you free."

"Look for the signs that are all around."

"Look down."

Hello.

Norman?

Sorry.

"Elsewhere Arcade.

530 4th Street."

"You have 45 seconds. The Milkman knows the way."

Milkman.

Milkman.

Milkman! Milkman!

Jason Segel, show us your dick!

Hello?

Hello?

Change?

They took my wallet. I'm sorry. I don't have anything.

Well, you must have some change.

Without change, what are we?

You want that?

I think you need change more than I do.

Sometimes you just got to let it burn, baby.

I'm out of shape.

I'm out of shape.

"Dispatches from Elsewhere."

OK.

What do I do different? What do I need to change?

You clever son of a bitch.

"Sometimes you just got to let it burn."

Did you have a view of your future?

Did you let it slip away?

Are you staring into the void?

Are you afraid?

The only thing we need to know at any given time is...?

The only thing we need to know at any given time is...?

This isn't funny.

I don't like this!

Jason, it's OK.

OK. Is it? Who are you?

-Did Simone set this up? -No, Simone didn't tell me anything.

I don't know her personally.

She just did this herself once - bought a postcard to give away.

That's how this works.

You pass it forward. Do you understand?

What you were saying there is about me.

Well, it's about all of us.

Honestly, that's the point.

Jason, your pain, whatever it is, is 0% unique,

as hard as that might be to believe.

You are special.

But not because you're unique.

You're special because you're exactly like everyone else.

Perfect.

I don't understand what's happening.

I'm really confused about life.

Listen, I'm gonna ask you a question,

and I want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind.

OK.

What do you do best?

I used to make stuff.

Good. Good, good, good.

Now I'm gonna test your listening comprehension.

OK.

The only thing we need to know at any given time is...?

What to do next.

Put those things together, Jason.

You pass it forward.

Thanks.

-Hiya! -Hiya!

Why are you smiling?

Am I smiling? I don't know. Why? What do you mean?

Yeah.

You don't usually smile this freely.

-Well, maybe I'm really proud. -You finished?

Oh, snap!

It... It's really beautiful, Jason.

I'm proud of you. You really found yourself.

Yes. Thank you.

No, that's what you want me to say.

I know because you literally wrote it in there.

I like it a lot.

I think it's really cool and inventive.

But the parts about you are just...

sort of lacking any personal responsibility.

You're hard on the other characters, and then you paint yourself as a...

victim.

OK. I mean, I didn't see it that way, but I think it's great...

it's good to have outside eyes on something.

I just think it's missing something, like it needs another scene

or a line?

It doesn't have to be a big thing.

It could be short and to the point.

Your whole thing is "finding" yourself,

so that means you have to own your shit, you know?

Totally. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

-Are you mad? -Am I mad?

No, I'm the opposite of mad.

I'm a... I couldn't...

No, that's a good note.

-You seem mad. -No.

This looks mad?

Well...

Personal responsibility.

Short and to the point. Blah, blah, blah.

Release... me.

Hello?

Release... me.

Release--

"Me." I know. I can hear you. Why do you keep saying that?

Sorry. I was trying to get your attention.

-You have it. What do you want? -I want you to grow the fuck up.

-Watch your mouth. You're just a boy. -Oh, bullshit!

I'm not a boy. I'm you.

That's the problem - I'm you, and you are not a goddamn boy.

You're a 40-year-old adult, and this man-child victim shit has got to end!

-Can you just-- -No!

Release me, man, for the love of God!

No one force-fed you chocolate milk.

No one made you do anything you didn't agree to do.

You got drunk, you got rich, and you stopped being... you.

You're a weird dude. You made a Dracula puppet musical.

Instead of letting your freak flag fly,

you filled your fat face with cake and whiskey

and tried to stay famous.

Own it, dude!

Go away.

Go away, goddamn it! I'm sleeping!

This script is horrible.

How much?

Yeah, I'll take it.

OK.

So, I was a selfish, self-centered, entitled,

spoiled guy who lost his way.

No victim, no villain. Just me and my choices.

-Is that right? -There you go. You're cured.

I am?

No, you're a goddamn mess.

But it's a start.

I got to go now.

Time to grow up.

If you need to write another Muppets movie, I'll be back.

I know it's a lot to digest.

You probably want me to explain more of what's going on in the show.

No, I understand what's going on in the show.

I think it's interesting.

And strange.

And hopeful.

And a little sad, in a way I like.

It's like Fight Club on acid, written by someone who likes life.

But what I want to know is, why do you want to do it?

Why is this important to you?

I used to think I could do anything.

And then I lost that part of myself.

So I went on this search.

I didn't always know what I was looking for

or even why, exactly.

I don't know if I found myself again or if this is something new,

but I know that I want to write about it.

Also, I just think the whole thing is fun,

and weird and dark and hilarious,

and I want it to be all those things.

Because I am all those things.

This experience helped me remember that.

And I just think maybe it might be helpful

to anybody who is as confused as I was - am.

I think that maybe underneath all of our stuff,

we're just not nearly as different as we choose to believe.

Maybe I am Jason and I am you.

The end.

And you think you can pull this off?

No.

No, no.

Not on my own, but...

maybe if I had some help.

It took me a long time to learn that.

Let's get you some help.

I thought it was really beautiful.

Lovely. It was just lovely.

Way out there.

I felt it was well-executed.

Most of the time.

Some moments dipped into self-indulgence,

which is not my taste, but, you know.

Yeah, come to think of it, the last episode is rather self-centered.

I thought the show was supposed to be about community.

-Wait, she's right. -Well, Janice is always right.

Yeah, well, pretty much.

Simone, do you remember that list you had me make - things I like?

Yeah. How could I forget that?

Well, it turns out those are things I really do like -

spooky and surprises.

Oh, I like where this is going!

Oh, me, too.

So, we got spooky with the whole "Clara might be dead" thing.

-That was a nice touch. -Thank you.

Though I knew she was Lee very, very, very early on.

But, you know, anyway, what's left?

Surprises?

Hey, everyone.

I hope you've enjoyed our show so far. We're not quite finished.

If we ended on an episode all about me,

that would miss the point, wouldn't it?

Well, that's for sure.

This hasn't been about me or you, or even just a TV show.

It's been about us.

All of us making something together.

Here, I'll show you. Go up.

Go, go, go.

This is the cast and crew of Dispatches from Elsewhere.

We made this together.

Say hi, everyone.

-Hi! -And not just us.

Some of you at home, you're part of the finale, also.

What? But how? That would be impossible!

No, you see, Simone,

our audience has been part of this experience all along.

Some of you have played at home with us from the beginning.

To say thank you, I've included you in Octavio's final,

emotionally satisfying epilogue.

Don't believe me? Let me show you.

Hello, my friends.

We have reached the final moments of our entertainment,

when my intentions become clear

and the veil of metaphor is lifted at last.

Perhaps you'll recall that in our first installment,

I proclaimed myself a reliable narrator,

despite a confession that I'd lied to you.

Once and only once.

That, too, was a lie.

For, in fact,

I've lied to you myriad times throughout our journey together,

the most important of those lies being this:

I once told you that Peter was you.

Nextly, I proclaimed Simone was you.

Thirdly, I offered the possibility

that Janice was, in fact, your surrogate.

And lastly, I contended that Fredwynn was, indeed, you.

These are, I regretfully inform you, lies.

For if there's one thing I hope you've learned

from our time together, my friends, is that you, and only you, are you.

Don't believe me?

Let me show you.

I am Stevie, and I am you.

I am Scott, and I am you.

I am Melissa, and I am you.

I am Luciano, and I am you.

I am Courtney, and I am you.

I am Tarik, and I am you.

I'm Magnolia, and I am you.

I am Joe, and I am you.

I am Sterling, and I am you.

I am Matthew, and I am you.

I am Luce, and I am you.

I am Michael, and I am you.

I am Kimberly, and I am you.

I am Ouja, and I am you.

I am Yadira, and I am you.

I am Daisy, and I am you.

I am Tom, and I am you.

I'm Nicole, and I am you.

But what else has our story taught us, my friends?

Surely historians will have their opinions, but mine, well...

mine is simple.

It seems to me that our story taught us

that the answer to change lies not in a game

or a missing girl or a clown-faced boy.

Change comes when we find one another.

For once we have found each other,

the energy of our collective spirits can take flight,

and the world around us begins to change.

We're so convinced of our separateness,

but what lies within us is all drawn from the same source.

The water in here is the same as the water in there.

But the real lesson is when we realize

that perhaps the containers, too, are made from the same stuff.

It is true, if we limit ourselves

to our tiny mind instruments,

that you are you.

But perhaps if we let our subtler tools take the lead,

we may glimpse the truth, even if only for a moment.

There is no you,

and there is no me.

There is only...

We...