All language subtitles for Dumb.And.Đumber.1994.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

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(tires screech )

Excuse me.

Could you tell me how to get
to the medical school?

I'm supposed to be doing a lecture
in about 20 minutes,

and my driver's
a bit lost.

( Austrian accent )
You go straight ahead,

and, uh, you make a left
over the bridge.

That's a lovely accent
you have.

- New Jersey?
- Austria.

Austria! Ha ha!
Well, then...

( Australian accent )
G'day, mate.

Let's put another
shrimp on the barbie.

Let's not.

Oh.

( "Boom shack-a-lak"
playing )

# Boom shack-a-lak-a,
what the people want #

# Women them a flex
and the men them a chant #

# 'Ca' the '60s style,
it have fe come back #

# Draw fe bell-bottom,
block heel and frock #

# Boom shak-a-lak,
rude boy #

# Here when we tell
them now, sir #

# Wine your body,
wriggle your belly #

# Dip and go down-ee
in the new stylee #

# Wine and go up,
wine and go down #

# Bubble and a rocka
to the new style around #

# You fe line it up,
you fe wine it up #

# Do the Boom shak-a-lak
till the dance hall fill up #

# I say the Boom shack-a-lak
are the brand new style #

# Wicked say it wicked,
jah jah, no say it wild #

# Ragamuffin style
fe the discipline child #

# Dip and go downa
'ca' it well versatile #

# You fe move fe your waist,
move fe your back #

# Wine and go down,
do the shack-a-lak-a-lak #

# Get in a groove
'ca' you are the top notch #

# Bubble and a wine gal
right 'pon the spot. #

Now, who's got
the wiener schnitzel?

( dog barks )

Beautiful.
There you go, Dolf.

There you go, buddy.
Yeah.

Let's see.

Next, we got
roast beef au jus.

( dog whines )

Who's got
the roast beef au jus?

Stella, beautiful.
Bon appetit, Stella.

Oui oui, yeah.

Walk away.
Go on. Go on.

Last but not least--
foot-long!

- Who's got the foot-long?
- ( whimpering )

There you--
very funny, rascal.

Very funny.
In your dreams.

Man: Harry, why haven't you
dropped those dogs off at the show yet?

Uh, sir, I didn't
want to send them

to a performance
on an empty stomach, sir.

- Get a move on it!
- Yes, sir.

Mutt cutts.
10-4.

( all whining )

( horn honks )

( honks )

( tires screech )

Whew.

Suck me sideways.

Hello.
How are you?

( romantic pop music
playing )

Uh-uh-uh... uh...
uh-uh-uh...

I'll be out
in one minute.

( mumbles )

Ow.

( inhales )

( exhales )

Why are you going
to the airport?

Flying somewhere?

How'd you guess?

I saw your luggage.

Then when I noticed
the airline ticket,

I put two and two
together.

So where're you headed?

Aspen.

Mmm... California.

Beautiful.

Name's Christmas,
Lloyd Christmas.

I'm Mary Swanson.

This isn't my real job,
you know.

- No?
- Nope, my friend Harry and I

are saving up our money
to open our own pet store.

That's nice.

- I got worms.
- I beg your pardon?

That's what we're going to call it--
I Got Worms.

We're going to specialize
in selling worm farms,

you know,
like ant farms.

What's the matter?

A little tense
about the flight?

Something like that.

There's really nothing
to worry about, Mary.

Statistically,
they say you're more likely

to get killed
on the way to the airport,

you know, like in a head-on crash
or flying off a cliff

or getting trapped
under a gas truck--

That's the worst.
I have this cousin--

well, I had this cousin.

Lloyd, could you keep
your eyes on the road, please?

Oh. Yeah.

Good thinking.

Can't be too careful.

A lot of bad drivers
out there.

( tires screeching )

Hey, watch it!

( dogs whimpering )

( tires screech )

Okay, gang,
you know the rules--

no humping, no pushing,
no sniffing heinies.

Where have you been? My dogs were
supposed to be here 40 minutes ago!

Now I hardly have any time
to primp them.

Don't worry about a thing,
Mrs. Neugy-burger.

- Neugeboren!
- Neug-neug-neug--

- Boren!
- Boren.

These pooches aren't going to
need any primping.

You know why?
I'll tell you why.

Because I bathed them
and I clipped them myself.

And I stand by
my performance.

( whimpering )

You know,
on second thought,

you might just want to run
a comb through 'em.

Male voice:
The white zone is for the immediate

Male voice:
The white zone is for the immediate

Ioading and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

Thanks.
Here you go.

Oh no, Mary.

I couldn't possibly
accept that,

not after all
we've been through.

Thank you, Lloyd.

- Uh, good luck with your worms.
- Yeah.

Hey.

How about a hug?

The white zone
is for the immediate

loading and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

Oh.

I hate goodbyes.
( chuckles )

Oh.

( groans )

Uh, Lloyd--

Shh!

( whispers )
Just go.

( romantic pop music
playing )

( voice wavering )
Be strong.

( sighs )

Woman over PA:
Mr. Dan Mitchell,

please pick up
the white courtesy phone.

Mr. Dan Mitchell, please pick up
the white courtesy phone...

She's gonna leave the briefcase
near the escalator.

- You make the pickup.
- Piece of cake.

# Goodbye, my lo-- #
ugh!

( laughs )

Hi!

Passenger Maura Tadge,

please pick up
the white courtesy phone.

You have a message.

Passenger Maura Tadge.

( yells )
Agh! Mary!

Man :
There 's our payday.

She left it.
Let's go.

Lloyd : Excuse me!
Coming through!

Move it or lose it,
sister!

Hey!

( panting )

Eenie...

meenie... minie...

mo!

Hold that plane!

Sir, you can't
go in there!

It's okay!

I'm a limo driver!

- Agh!
- ( thuds )

Whew...

( moaning )

( tires screech )

( sirens blaring
in distance )

Hi, Lloyd.

Hi, Harry.

- How was your day?
- Not bad.

Fell off
the jetway again.

Who the hell you figure

this guy's
working for, anyway?

I don't know.

We sure as hell
better find out.

The ulcer?

I'll live.

( bird chirping )

- So you got fired again, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

They always freak out when you leave
the scene of an accident, you know?

Yeah, well,
I lost my job too.

Man! You are
one pathetic loser.

( laughing )
No offense.

No. None taken.

Ha ha ha!

You know what really
chaffs my ass, though?

I spent my life's savings

turning my van
into a dog.

Hi, Petey!

The alarm alone
cost me 200.

Hey!
Chicks love it.

It's a shaggin' wagon.

What's with
the briefcase?

It's a love memento.

The most beautiful
woman alive,

I drove her
to the airport.

Sparks flew,
emotions ran high.

She actually
talked to me, man.

Get outta here.

Oh, yeah yeah.
Tractor beam--

( humming whistle )
sucked me right in.

Anyway...
( inhales deeply )

she left this
in the terminal

and flew to Aspen
and out of my life.

What's in it?

Man... I would
have to be a lowlife

to go rootin' around in somebody else's
private property.

- Is it locked?
- Yeah, really well.

( knock on door )

Harry: There's two of them.
One of them's got a gun.

Did you pay
the gas bill?

Hey--

( whispering )
Do you realize what you've done?

I'm sorry.
I say we bail.

Okay.

- ( slams )
- Briefcase ain't here.

They must have
taken it with them.

Well, he's got to
come home sometime.

Maybe we should
trash the place,

send him
a little message.

I don't think he's going to get
that message, Joe.

I mean, the guy's got worms
in his living room.

Well.

Oh, I got
a better idea.

"l tought I taw
a puddy cat.

I did. I did."

( squawks )

( cracking )

I can't believe
we drove around all day

and there's not
a single job in this town.

There is nothing,
nada, zip!

Yeah, unless you want
to work 40 hours a week.

Pfft!

Here. I'm going to
go to the store.

Okay, just get
the bare essentials.

This is the last
of our dough.

Hey. What do l
look like?

# Take a little walk
to the edge of town #

# Go across the tracks #

# Where the viaduct looms #

# Like a bird of doom #

# As it shifts
and cracks #

# Where secrets lie
in the border fires #

# In the humming wires #

# Hey, man, you know
you're never coming back #

# Past the square,
past the bridge... #

# Past the mills,
past the stack... #

( grunting )

# On a gathering storm #

# Comes a tall
handsome man... #

Cripes!

# In a dusty black coat
with a red right hand. #

Excuse me,
little old lady.

( tires screech )

Uh, do you have
change for a dollar?

Change?

No, I'm sorry.
I don't.

Oh... well, uh,

could you do me a favor
and watch my stuff here

while I go
break a dollar?

- Of course.
- Thanks.

Hey. I guess
they're right.

Senior citizens,

although slow and dangerous
behind the wheel,

can still serve
a purpose.

I'll be right back.
Don't you go dying on me!

- Ugh!
- Where's the booze?

I got robbed
by a sweet old lady

on a motorized cart.

I didn't even
see it coming.

Oh...

- Harry?
- No...

- No...
- Harry. Come on, Harry.

Cheer up.

It gets worse, Lloyd.

My parakeet Petey...

- Yeah?
-...he's dead.

( gasps )

Aw...

Oh, man.
I'm sorry, Harry.

What happened?

His head fell off.

His head fell off?

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Ugh!

That's it.

I've had it
with this dump!

We got no food.
We got no jobs.

( yells )
Our pets' heads are falling off!

Okay, just calm down!

What the hell are we
doing here, Harry?

We gotta get
out of this town!

Yeah? And go where?
Where are we gonna go?

I'll tell you where,

someplace warm...

a place where the beer
flows like wine,

where beautiful women
instinctively flock

Iike the salmon
of Capistrano.

I'm talking about
a little place called...

Aspen.

I don't know, Lloyd.
The French are assholes.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!
I know what you're up to, mister.

Yeah! You just
wanna go to Aspen

and find that girl
who lost her briefcase,

and you need me
to drive you there!

- Right? Am I right?
- Yeah. So?

- Am I right? Am I right?
- Yeah! So?

So I wanna go someplace
where we know somebody

who can plug us into
the social pipeline.

No! No no no!
No, Lloyd!

No! I say we stay here,
we hunt for jobs,

and we keep saving our money
for the worm store!

I don't know about you,

but I am getting
sick and tired

of-of running
from creditors!

You know what I'm sick
and tired of, Harry?

I'm sick and tired of having to
eke my way through life.

I'm sick and tired
of being a nobody.

But most of all...

I'm sick and tired
of having nobody.

( soft piano music
playing )

Okay, Lloyd.

Aspen it is.

You'd better not
be foolin'.

( chuckles )

( crying )

Okay okay,

just let it out.
Have a good cry.

Come on.

Okay.

( sobbing )

Okay, that's enough.

# I never met a girl #

# Who made me feel
the way that you do #

# You're all right #

# Whenever I'm asked
who makes my dreams real #

# I tell them you do,
you're outta sight #

# I'm bringin ' you
a love that's true #

# So get ready,
get ready #

# I'm gonna try
to make you love me too #

# So get ready, get ready,
here I come #

# Get ready
'cause here I come... #

Lloyd,
what are you doing?

It feels like you're running
at an incredible rate, Harry.

Would you quit it?
We're not even through Connecticut yet,

and already
you're annoying me.

- Sorry.
- Jeez.

- We're really doing it, aren't we?
- Yeah.

Hey, where'd
you get those?

I bought them
when we filled up.

Well-- ( stutters )
we're supposed to talk

about all
expenditures, Lloyd.

We're on a very
tight budget.

This didn't come out
of our travel fund.

Oh.

No, I was able to raise
25 extra bucks

before we left.

Where did you get
25 extra bucks?

I sold some stuff
to Billy in 4C.

The blind kid?

Yeah!

Yeah.

What did you
sell him, Lloyd?

Stuff.

- What kind of stuff?
- I don't know.

A few baseball cards,
a sack of marbles...

( coughs )
Petey.

Petey?

You sold my dead bird
to a blind kid?

Lloyd, that-that--
what are you--

Petey didn't even
have a head!

Harry,
I took care of it.

Pretty bird.

Yeah. Can you say,
"pretty bird"?

Pretty bird.

Yes, pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Polly want a cracker?

Those rat bastards.

They're rubbing it
right in our faces.

Man, Andre'll have
a goddamn hemorrhage

if we don't get
that briefcase back.

They must have been
following us for weeks.

- Why you say?
- "Gas Man."

How the hell do
they know that I got gas?

They gotta be pros.

Don't worry.
We're going to get that money back.

And I'll tell you
something else,

they ain't never
getting to Aspen.

I'm going to see to that.

Lloyd:
They got The Monkees.

They were a major influence
on The Beatles.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, Flo?

( both laughing )

Flo, like the TV show.

Uh... what is
the "soup du jour"?

It's the soup of the day.

Mm-hmm...

That sounds good.
I'll have that.

Anything else
before I leave the area?

No-- yeah--

yes yes,
my soda's flat.

It doesn't have
any bubbles.

Happy now?

Feels good to mingle
with these laid-back country folk,

don't it, Harr?
I like it a lot.

- Uh-oh.
- What? What's the matter?

( blows )

You spilled the salt,
that's what's the matter.

Spilling the salt
is very bad luck.

We're driving
across the country.

The last thing we need
is bad luck.

Quick. Toss some salt
over your right shoulder.

( thumps )

Uh-oh, too little
too late, Harry.

Who's the dead man
that hit me with the salt shaker?

( crowd murmuring )

( humming )

Harry:
Well... uh...

it was a terrible
mistake, sir.

Please, believe me.
I would never do anything

to offend a man
of your size.

Kick his ass,
Sea Bass!

You gonna eat that?

What? That?
No-- yes-- no.

Well... no,
it crossed my mind.

Yeah.

( snorts, hawks )

Still want it?

Nah, you go ahead.

You really
wimped out, man.

What are you talking about,
wimped out?

Well-well, did you--
the guy hawked on my burger!

Hey, wait a second.

I think I just...

Yeah...
I just had an idea.

Follow me.

Whew.

Lloyd:
Excuse me. Guys?

What the hell
do you want?

Uh... I just want
to apologize

for that uh...
unpleasant scene

a little earlier.

My friend Harry and l
would, uh...

Iike to buy
you guys a...

round of beers...

just to bury
the hatchet.

Make it
four boilermakers.

Whatever you want, sir.

I'll have the waitress
bring it over immediately.

- Lloyd, what are you doing?
- ( shushing )

We can't afford
to buy them drinks.

Um... excuse me.

Sea Bass and the fellas
offered to pick up our check.

They said just put it
on their tab.

They're very nice.

Sea Bass said that?

Well, if uh...

that guy at the table
over there is Sea Bass.

Ah! Uh.

All right,
if that's what he wants.

Put these
on there too, okay?

You got it.

I'm gonna kill
those sons of bitches!

( both laugh )

( both laugh )

That was genius, Lloyd,
sheer genius!

I mean, where did you come up
with a scam like that?

- Saw it in a movie once.
- That was incredible!

So what happened?
So the guy tricks some sucker

into picking up his tab,
then gets away with it scot-free?

No, in the movie, they catch up to him
a half-mile down the road

and slit his throat.
It was a good one!

( laughing )

Wow.
( grunts )

- Harry?
- What?

I know this isn't
the best time, but...

- when you get a chance to pull over...
- Yeah?

- I gotta pee.
- What, are you crazy?

I'm not pulling over now.

But I gotta go!
What am I supposed to do?

Well-well, whiz in one of the empty beer
bottles in the back.

They're on the floor.
Just get one of--

- Jeez, Lloyd!
- Quit moving around!

Huh! What--

Shit!

( unzips pants )

- Watch the seat! Watch the seat!
- Okay!

All right!

( trickling )

Ahh...

Ahh...

- Uh-oh.
- What? What's wrong?

The bottle's almost full
and I'm still going.

- So stop going.
- I can't stop going once I've started.

It stings.

Quick! Get me
another bottle.

- What?
- Come on.

Hurry hurry hurry
hurry hurry hurry!

Come on! Come on!

Okay okay, here
here here. Hold it!

- Hold that.
- Jesus.

Hold that one.

Hurry.
I'm pinching it.

What are you,
a camel?

( sighs )

- ( siren blaring )
- Pull over!

- Huh?
- Pull over!

No, it's a cardigan,
but thanks for noticing.

Yeah.
Killer boots, man!

Pull your vehicle
to the side of the road!

License and registration,
please.

You fellas were going a little fast back
there, wouldn't you say?

You, uh...
you fellas been doing

a bit of boozing,
have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's
old cough medicine?

No. Oh no, sir.

- No no no.
- No, huh-uh.

Yeah, well,
what's that?

- That's nothing, sir.
- Yeah, nothing.

Yeah well, you aware that
it's against the law

to have an open
alcohol container

here in the State
of Pennsylvania?

Come on,
give me that booze,

you little pumpkin-pie-
haircutted freak!

Come on!

Sir, no, l-l--

No, sir, don 't.
Don 't drink--

You'd keep
your mouth shut

if you knew what was
good for you, buddy.

Harry:
Tic Tac, sir?

Get the hell
outta here!

( coughs, retches )

Mary: How could they not
have gotten the ransom?

It just doesn't
make sense.

I left the money exactly where they
instructed me to.

Woman : Oh, it makes
perfect sense, Mary.

We should have called
the authorities

the minute we knew
that Bobby was kidnapped.

Now, Helen, we've been
through this already.

- Mr. Andre.
- Nicholas.

- Karl.
- Nick Nick Nick.

Any word yet, sir?

No, nothing yet,
Nicholas.

( sighs )

I've been giving this
a lot of thought.

Maybe we should cancel

the preservation benefit
this weekend.

It would be so easy
to reschedule it.

No, I don't think we should do anything
out of the ordinary.

Yeah, she's right. It's imperative that we
carry on as usual...

- Okay.
-...especially you, Mary.

What am l
supposed to do,

just go about my life
like everything is fine?

That's exactly
what you should do.

Yes, go skiing, go to parties,
act normally, you know.

Yeah, don't you see,
honey?

We can't let on
that anything's wrong.

If the press or the authorities
get wind of this,

the kidnappers
may panic.

Mm. I mean,
you never know

what they might
do to him then.

( snoring )

# I saw her sitting
in the rain #

# Raindrops
falling on her #

# She didn't seem to care #

# She sat there
and smiled at me #

- # Then I knew #
- # I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #

- # She could make me happy #
- # Happy happy #

# She could make me
very happy... #

# Flowers in her hair #

# Flowers everywhere #

# I love
the flower-girl #

# Oh, I don 't know
just why #

# She simply
caught my eye #

# I love
the flower-girl... #

So he says,
" Do you love me?"

and she says, " No, but that's
a real nice ski mask."

( all laughing )

Hey, man,
what's that?

( passes gas )

# I knew I had to
say hello #

# Hello hello #

# She smiled up at me #

# And she took my hand #

# And we walked through
the park alone #

# And I knew #

# I knew, I knew,
I knew, I knew #

# She had made me
happy... #

Whoo!

# Happy happy,
she had made me very happy #

- # Flowers in her hair... #
- ( cracks )

- ( bell rings )
- ( roaring )

( crunches )

( yelling )

( movements swishing )

( high-pitched
battle-cries )

( trills )

( gurgling )

( snorts )

( shouts )

( vocalizes )

Ahh...

eh?

Aah!

Aah!

( heartbeat thumping )

- # Suddenly, the sun broke through #
- # See the sun #

- # I turned around, she was gone #
- # Where did she go? #

( grunting )

( moaning )

Oh! Oh!

( groaning )

( rips )

# Flowers in her hair #

# Flowers everywhere #

# I love
the flower-girl #

# Was she reality #

# Or just a dream
to me? #

# I love
the flower-girl #

( fades )
# Her love showed me the way... #

- # To find a sunny day. #
- ( horn honking )

Whoa!

( backfire )

You want me
to drive?

No, I'm cool.

( water bubbling )

Yeah!

Get her!

( chuckles )

- Ohh.
- ( thuds, water splashes )

( sighs )

This is the life--

cold beer, a hot tub
and paper-thin walls.

( laughs )

There's only one thing that could make this
moment any better.

What's that?

If you had a nice set
of knockers.

( laughs )
That's two things, Lloyd.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not
stacked, Harry,

or I'd be banging you
right now.

( both laugh )

I'd show you what
a real man can do.

Split you like an
old piece of firewood.

You'd probably like it too,
you big homo.

Shut up.

Don't tell me
to shut up, woman.

( chuckles )

I don't know, Lloyd.
You know,

this place doesn't
really do it for me.

It brings back
a lot of memories.

Pour quoi?

It was a few years ago.

What happened, Harry?
Some little filly break your heart?

No, it was a girl.

- Oh.
- Fraida Felcher.

Yeah, we stayed in a place
just like this.

Wasn't this classy,
but, you know, nice.

Felcher?
From Cranston?

Yeah.
You know her?

Oh, yeah!

I mean,
I remember you...

talking about her.

We had the most incredibly
romantic time.

I thought we were gonna be
together forever,

and then about a week later,
right out of the blue,

she sends me
a John Deere letter.

- She give you any reason?
- Yeah, I called her up.

She gave me
a bunch of crap

about me not listening to her
enough or something.

I don't know.
I wasn't really paying attention.

But the thing
that hurt the most

is I think she was
seeing another guy.

Never did
find out who.

( vacuum whirring )

Mental: Mr. Andre, guess who
we just happened upon?

- Yeah.
- Man: I had plans.

- Things I wanted to do.
- Yeah.

This is where it all ends--
at a phone booth.

- ( man muttering )
- Yeah. The boys are holed up

in a little love-nest
for the night.

I think they're
a little bit strange.

What the hell are
these guys up to?

I mean, is it possible
that they could be feds?

Highly unlikely
from what I've seen.

Sir, did you
ever hear

of the concept
of other people?

Um... me being that
for the phone,

sir.

Oh, you turned
your back on me.

Ho ho ho!
He got me mad. I almost like it.

You and Shay were
supposed to grab that bag

- so we could end this shit!
- Here's your drink, baby.

Do you know the damage
I could do to you?

Hold on a minute.

Hmm.

But that's not
your problem.

You didn't know.

Get off
the phone.

Get off the pho--

I'm sorry, Mr. Andre.
You were saying?

Look, Mental,

these jokers have got a lot of money
and it belongs to me!

Now, I want to know who they are
and what they're doing with it!

Hey hey hey, I told you already.
I'm on it.

- All right?
- Good.

Harry:
According to the map,

Harry:
According to the map,

we've only gone
about four inches.

You know,
I don't think

we have enough
gas money.

Relax. We have
more than enough.

I think
you're wrong, Lloyd.

How much
you wanna bet?

I don't bet.

What do you mean,
you don't bet?

I mean I don't bet.
I don't gamble.

( deep voice )
Pussy pussy pussy!

- I never have, and I never will.
- Yeah, right!

I'll bet you 20 bucks
I can get you gambling

- before the end of the day.
- No way.

- I'll give you 3-to-1 odds.
- Nope.

- 5-to-1?
- Nope.

- 10-to-1?
- You're on.

( both chuckle )

I'm going
to get you.

- Huh-uh.
- Oh, yeah.

I don't know how,
but I'm going to get you.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Nuh-uh.

Come on, Joe.
Let me do them.

Let me do
both of them.

You wouldn't even have
to worry about it.

Just shut up!

Now, we don't even know
who the hell they are.

You don't kill people
you don't know.

That's a rule.

Now, I want you
to get up here,

Iie down
on the front seat.

When they pick me up,
you follow us. You got that?

Keep your shirt on.
I gotta squeeze a lemon.

Mental : Hey, hey, hey.
Here they come.

Stay down, stay down!

Say, uh, are you guys
going to Davenport?

My car died, and I'm late
for a luncheon.

We usually don't
pick up hitchhikers,

but I'm going to go with my instinct
on this one.

Saddle up, partner.

You're it.

- You're it.
- You're it! Quitsies!

Anti-quitsies.
You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies.

- No startsies.
- You can't do that.

- Can too.
- Cannot. Stamped it.

Can too. Double-stamped it.
No erasies.

Cannot. Triple-stamped it.
No erasies.

You can't triple-stamp
a double-stamp!

You can't triple-stamp
a double-stamp, Lloyd!

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp.
Lloyd! Lloyd!

Guys! Enough!

Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying
sound in the world?

( screeches )

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Fellas,
you think we could

Iisten to the radio
or something?

Radio?
( laughs )

Who needs a radio?
Ready, Harry?

- # Mock- #
- # Yeah #

- # -ing- #
- # Yeah #

- # -bird #
- # Yeah #

- Lloyd: # Yeah #
- # Yeah #

Both:
# Mockingbird #

# Don't-- everybody,
have you heard? #

# She's gonna buy me
a mockingbird #

# And if that mockingbird
don't sing #

# She's gonna buy me
a diamond ring #

# And if that diamond ring
don't shine... #

Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people
who want a ride too.

Pick 'em up!

( cows moo )

( playing
acoustic guitar )

- Harry and Lloyd: # Mock- #
- # S� #

- # -ing- #
- # S�#

- # -bird #
- # S� #

Harry and Lloyd:
# S� #

Harry: You want an atomic
pepper, Mr. Mentaliano?

Nah, you guys
go ahead.

I'll do it
if you will, Lloyd.

Okay.
You go first.

No, huh-uh, no,
you go first.

- No, you go first.
- No, you go first.

- No, you go first.
- I always go first!

Why don't you guys
both stop acting

Iike a couple
of pussies

and go at
the same time, huh?

- That sounds like a dare, Harry.
- It's a double-dare.

Yeah, okay,
you're on.

Mmm!

- Huh. It's not so bad.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah. It's more
tingly than hot.

- Yeah.
- ( coughing )

Agh!

( both screaming,
gagging )

Uh, if you fellas
would excuse me,

I've got to use
the phone.

Enjoy your meal,
guys.

( whimpering )

Here, Lloyd,
this helps!

Here here.

It--
it works good.

Ugh!

Yeah, it's Mental.
I'm just sitting down

- to a nice meal with our boys.
- Well, how nice for you.

Don't forget that your bread plate
is on the left!

Look, I can't have these guys
running around Aspen.

Don't worry. They ain't gonna be
runnin' around nowhere

after I dump a little rat poison
in their Shirley Temple.

( "The Bear Song"
playing )

- Good good.
- Okay, that's good.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

Feeling better,
girls?

Yes, much better.
Thank you for asking.

# The other side of the mountain was all
that he could see, so! #

# He went back over the mountain to see
what he could see, hey! #

So why are you going
to Aspen? Vacation?

Why don't you eat up
and we'll tell you?

( both snorting )

It just doesn't seem like
you packed much.

All I saw was one bag
and that briefcase.

Well, no no, the briefcase
isn't even ours.

Some lady left it
at the airport.

We're just bringing
it back to her.

How's your burger?

You mean, you don't
even know her?

( laughing )

I mean,

talk about being in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

# The bear went over the mountain to see
what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all
that he could see, so!

# So he went back over the mountain to see
what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all
the he could see! #

( kettle whistling )

( groaning )

( both laughing )

Are you okay, man?
It was just a goof.

Oh, my ulcer!

Quick!
My pills!

Waitress: Maybe somebody should
call an ambulance.

Look, uh,
you get the pills.

Don't worry.
I know CPR.

I'll get
the pills.

Out with the bad air,
in with the good.

- Out with the bad air--
- Get off!

Ugh!

Agh, don't!
Don't don't!

Back back!

This is a lot easier
if you just lay back.

- Here.
- He's resisting me!

Here.
Here we go, here we go.

- Lloyd: Pills!
- There you go! There you go.

- Pills are good!
- Take 'em down.

- Pills are good!
- Drink 'em down.

There you go.

- There you go, big guy.
- That's better!

You want some ketchup
and mustard?

That helped us.

Son of a bitch!
( gurgling )

Check, please.

I can't
believe it.

Life's a fragile
thing, Harr.

One minute you're
chewing on a burger,

the next minute
you're dead meat.

But he blamed me.
You heard him.

Those were
his last words.

Not if you count
the gurgling sound.

- You mean he was poisoned?
- No doubt about it.

We found these
next to the body.

- Sir.
- Yeah?

Waitress says he came in with
a couple of younger guys.

Now they're the ones who called the
ambulance, and then they hit the road.

- Get any idea where they were going?
- We just received a report

that they were seen headed west on l-80
towards Colorado.

Did you get a make
on the vehicle?

Uh, yes, sir.

They're driving
an '84... sheepdog.

( rock music playing )

( rock music playing )

( tires screech )

- # Take... #
- ( snoring )

# Take a picture,
take a little time #

# No need to dig
through the dumpster #

# For all the stuff you thought that you'd left
behind... #

# Take my car #

# Drive it
to the outside world #

# Take it far,
farther now from me #

# Take it all #

# Happy, girl,
the fact is #

# Take my heart #

# Take take
take me apart. #

Skis, huh?

That's right.

Great.

They yours?

Uh-huh.

Both of 'em?

Yeah.

Cool.

Um, excuse me,
but you're, uh...

you're spraying
everywhere.

Oh!

( whistling,
urinating )

( door opens )

( door closes )

( footsteps approach )

( zips pants )

( door rattling )

- ( screams )
- Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.

If it ain't
my old friend!

And right on time.

( whimpering )

That's a lot of luggage
for a little vacation.

- I'm moving to Aspen.
- Oh.

I've got to get away from my boyfriend.
He's such a klutz.

Plus, my astrologer told me that
I really should stay away

from accident-prone guys,
so, you know.

Oh, well,
you know, l--

Here. It's a little loose.
You might want to--

- Mm. Thank you.
- Oh, no. Hey, no, allow me.

I've got
a thing of--

here.
Got 'em right here. Right here.

- ( gasoline ignites )
- Thank you.

Sure. You know, I'm heading up
to Aspen myself.

Maybe we could,
you know, meet up,

have some hot chocolate
or something.

Sure, why not?
You seem harmless.

I'm going to
give you my number.

- Let me find a pen though.
- Great!

- Let's see.
- That's-- ah!

- I know I have one in here somewhere.
- Look, why don't you

just tell it to me?
I got a really good memory.

- Well, the number's 555...
- 555.

905-- wait a minute.
That's my old number.

That is so weird how
your mind just goes blank.

For God's sakes, just
give me the damn number!

Okay, look, uh, you gonna get pushy,
forget about it.

Find a happy place.

Find a happy place.
Find a happy place.

I'll show you
a happy place.

Here's your happy place.

- ( yells )
- ( groans )

( panting )

( whimpers )

( police radio chattering )

Man: Move those cars!
Move it! Move it!

Go around, man.
Go around.

More flags over here!

All right,
any sign of them yet?

No, sir, but we're
expecting them shortly.

A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles
back headed this way.

Look, I told you what happened, okay?
So just drop it.

Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd.
Sure thing.

I promise not
to mention another word

about you being
in a bathroom

with a 6'4" trucker
with his pants down.

( laughs )

Hey, look.
We're almost in Colorado.

What do you say
we change seats?

I've been driving
for nine straight hours.

I don't have the energy
to start a new state.

Why should I do you
any favors?

I'll let you kiss me.
( laughs )

I swear...

I'm gonna--
I will take your--

I'm-- I swear to God
I'm gonna take your--

- Aw, come on--
- Don't touch me.

( mocking )
Oh, okay.

I'm done.
Okay, enough.

( mimics truck horn,
giggling )

( laughing )

Hey, guys.
Whoa, Big Gulps, huh?

All right.

Well, see you later.

- ( snoring )
- Hey, Harry,

I got some beef jerk--

Some people just weren't cut out
for life on the road.

( "Crash" playing )

# Here you go,
way too fast #

# Don't slow down,
you're gonna crash #

# You should watch,
watch your step #

# Don 't look out,
gonna break your neck #

# So shut,
shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not
listening anyhow #

# I've had enough,
enough of you #

# Enough to last
a lifetime through #

# With you #

( fades )
# You. #

Hey!

I was wondering when
you were gonna get up.

Ha!

Well, how long
have I been out?

I'd say
a good five hours.

Huh! I expected
the Rocky Mountains

to be a little
rockier than this.

I was thinking
the same thing.

That John Denver's
full of shit, man.

I'm only human, Harry!

Anybody can
make a mistake.

Come on,
stop being a baby!

So we backtracked
a tad!

A tad?!

A tad, Lloyd?

You drove almost
1/6 of the way

across the country
in the wrong direction!

Now we don't have enough money
to get to Aspen!

We don't have enough
money to get home!

We don't have enough
money to eat!

We don't have enough
money to sleep!

Well, it's not gonna
do us any good

to sit here
whining about it.

- We're in a hole.
- ( "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" playing )

We're just going to have to
dig ourselves out.

Okay, all right.
You're right.

You're absolutely
right, Lloyd.

- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm #
- Where're you going?

- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm #
- Home. I'm walking home.

Oh, well, pardon me,
Mr. Perfect!

I guess I forgot

that you never,
ever make a mistake!

( singer vocalizing )

Lloyd : Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!
Wait up!

- ( engine backfires )
- ( yells )

( bell rings )

( bird cawing )

Got room for one more
if you still want to go to Aspen.

Where did you
find that?

Some kid
back in town.

Traded the van for it
straight up.

I can get 70 miles
to the gallon on this hog.

You know, Lloyd,
just when I think

you couldn't possibly
be any dumber,

you go and do
something like this...

and totally
redeem yourself!

Ha ha!

- Still wanna go to Aspen?
- Oh, yeah!

- Okay, let's go, buddy!
- Super!

- ( bell rings )
- ( "Where I Find My Heaven" playing )

- Lloyd, no! West! Go west, Lloyd!
- Oh! Oh, yeah.

# Hey, Monday morning #

# Is only for the brave #

# And the blood flows
through my heart and veins #

# Like sand as I shave #

# And the wind outside #

# And the taxi's ready... #

- ( horn honks )
- # And the lonesome hum #

# That comes
from my desk lamp #

# Is where I find
my heaven #

# It's where I find
my heaven... #

I've got to--
I've got to stop

to go to
the bathroom.

Just go, man.

Oh!

That sure is warm.

# It's where I find
my heaven #

- # It's where I find my heaven #
- # Where I find my-- #

# It's where I find
my heaven... #

( truck horn honks )

# Heav... #

# Heaven. #

( both shivering )

( bell tolling )

We're there.

Got a little nippy

going through
the pass back there.

Lloyd:
lsn't this incredible?

- What more could two single guys want?
- How about some food?

I swallowed a big June bug
when we were driving.

I'm not
really hungry.

Well, I'm starving.

Ho-- Jeez, look at
the butt on that.

Lloyd: Yeah.

He must work out.

Hey! Why don't we get busy

and deliver
the briefcase to Mary?

If I know her as well
as I think I do

she'll invite us right in
for tea and strumpets.

Good plan.
Where does she live?

I don't know.

What's her last name?
I'll look it up.

Uh...

You know, I don't
really recall.

Starts with an "S."

S-swim, Swamie,
S-slippy, Slappy,

Slimin, Solmon,
Simin, Sal,

Swenson, Swanson?

Maybe it's on
the briefcase.

Oh, yeah!
It's right here.

Samsonite!
I was way off.

I knew it started
with an "S" though.

I'm not seeing
it here, Lloyd.

She must be unlisted.

Great.

So what are we
supposed to do now?

( fox howls )

- I can't feel my fi-fingers anymore.
- ( wind whistling )

They're-they're-
they're numb.

Ooh. Maybe you should
wear these extra gloves.

My hands are starting
to get sweaty.

Extra gloves?

You've had this pair

of extra gloves
this whole time?

Yeah. We're in
the Rockies.

I'm going to kill you.

- What?
- I'm gonna kill you!

- I'm gonna kill you, Lloyd!
- Calm down!

Right now,
I'm gonna kill you!

Harry, you got that crazy look
in your eye!

( chuckles )
I know what I'm going to do.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to do something

I should have done
a long time ago.

Don't do anything
foolish, Harry!

What? Foolish?
This isn't foolish!

I'm going to toss
this damn curse

right into
that damn pond!

Aah!

- I'm going to do it!
- No, Harry!

( screams )
Harry!

Your hands
are freezing!

Aah! Ugh!

Harry, look!

Look! Look!

Okay, here's the plan:

We borrow a few bucks--
just a small loan from the briefcase

- and we find some reasonable lodgings.
- Good plan.

And we'll keep track of all the money
we spend with lOUs.

We'll be meticulous,
right down to the last penny.

- Whatever we borrow, we pay back.
- Absolutely.

- We're good for it.
- Our word is our bond.

This is
the Hotel Danbury

Presidential Suite,
gentlemen,

normally reserved
for royalty,

visiting dignitaries,

illustrious stars
of stage and screen.

We have shortly coming the Emperor
and Empress of Japan,

and of course, Princess Charles and Di
when they were together

used to frequent
the hotel constantly.

We'll take it!

- ( engine revs )
- ( "You Sexy Thing" playing )

# I believe
in miracles, baby #

# Since you came along,
you sexy thing #

# You sexy thing, you #

# I believe
in miracles, baby #

# Since you came along #

- # You sexy thing #
- # You sexy thing, you... #

There you go.

- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.

- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.

- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.

There you go.

Hi.

( both sobbing )

Narrator on TV:
Rain brought them to him.

Girl on TV:
My mother was Sarah Carver.

Narrator:
Although at the time, he wasn't sure

he wanted to accept the gift.

Girl on TV :
Nick, do you think he 'll let us stay?

Nick on TV :
No, this place is ugly, anyway.

You and me,
we 're a family.

Man :
I promise never to give you away.

And no one 's
ever going to break us apart.

At Pacific Bell, we believe
that's pretty special.

- Wow! Boy, this is livin', huh?
- Yeah.

- Wow! Boy, this is livin', huh?
- Yeah.

- What's on next?
- I don't know.

Let me look it up.

Ah!

Lloyd, you okay?

Harry, it's Mary!

It's who?

Mary with
the briefcase.

Mary Swanson.

Swanson!

- Wool hast anool--
- "Host annual."

- Host anewl-- annual--
- Annual.

"Annual meeting of..."

t-t-t-heh...

t-he-- t-he--

- The.
- Oh.

- "The lnter--" ( sighs )
- Yeah. It's a big one.

"lnternational Preservation Society
tomorrow night."

( "Oh, Pretty Woman"
playing )

Well, come on,
Cinderella.

We've got to get you
ready for the ball!

# Pretty woman,
walking down the street #

# Pretty woman,
the kind I like to meet #

# Pretty woman #

# I don't believe you,
you're not the truth #

# No one could look
as good as you... #

- ( grinding )
- # Mercy! #

# Pretty woman,
won 't you pardon me? #

# Pretty woman,
I couldn 't help but see #

# Pretty woman #

# That you look lovely
as can be #

# Are you lonely
just like me? #

( singer growls )

# Pretty woman,
stop awhile #

# Pretty woman,
talk awhile #

# Pretty woman,
give your smile to me #

# Pretty woman,
yeah yeah yeah #

- ( scissors snipping )
- # Pretty woman, look my way #

# Pretty woman,
say you'll stay with me... #

# 'Cause I need you #

- # I'll treat you right... #
- ( loud buzzing )

# Come with me, baby #

# Be mine tonight... #

Yeah!

# Pretty woman. #

( lounge music playing )

Thanks, Barn.
There you go.

Thank you, sir.

Okay okay okay.

- Ha!
- Cripes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Agh!

- Time out!
- Okay.

Excuse me. Gentlemen, this is
a $500-a-plate dinner.

- Good night.
- Oh, 500-- oh, okay. No problem.

Here. Put us down for--
put us down for four.

In case we
want seconds.

( inhales sharply )

Jesus Christ.
It's them.

- Them who?
- Them,

the guys who
whacked Mental.

Can't you just
feel it, Harry?

This is our
big chance, man.

All we gotta do

is show a little class,
a little sophistication,

and we're in like
a dirty shirt.

That's no problem, Lloyd.
We can be classy and sophistic--

oh, look at the funbags
on that hosehound.

I'd like to eat her liver with
some fava beans

and a nice
bottle of Chianti.

( both mimic
Hannibal Lecter )

Come on, let's go get a couple bowls
of loudmouth soup.

Yeah.

Hey, bartender,

- two martinis, please.
- Yes, sir. Right away.

Nicholas: Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention, please?

The Aspen
Preservation Society

is the world's
foremost defender

of 23 endangered
species,

and it is with
tremendous honor

that we're able to bring
Mr. Swanson forward

to introduce us
to the 24th. Everybody--

Karl.

Thank you, Nick.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
the lcelandic snow owl.

( drum roll )

( cymbals crash )

( applause )

These magnificent specimens
constitute one seventh

of the snow owl population
left on the planet.

And God willing,
with your help

and that of
the Society's,

these wonderful creatures
will flourish once more.

Thank you again
and enjoy your evening.

Can I have
some pistachios, please?

And another one
of those.

Lloyd, what are you doing?
Would you calm down?

I've never seen you
so nervous.

Keep an eye on 'em, Shay.
Keep a close eye.

I'm ready for
a commitment, Harry.

The first time
I set eyes on Mary Swanson,

I just got that old-fashioned
romantic feeling

where I'd do anything
to bone her.

That's a special
feeling, Lloyd.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh my,
there she is.

Wow! You weren't
kidding, Lloyd.

She's an angel!
( whistles )

Well, what are
you waiting for?

Get over there
and talk to her.

She's just going to think
I'm some kind of a psycho

when she finds out
how far I came just to see her!

You know what you have?!
Her briefcase!

She's gonna be
thrilled to see you.

Wait.
I have an idea.

Why don't you go over

and introduce yourself?

And that way,
you can build me up

so I won't have to
brag about myself later.

Tell her I'm rich

and, uh,
I'm good-looking

and, uh, I have
a rapist wit.

No, I don't know.
I don't think I could-- no.

- Come on, please.
- No, I'm not--

- Please! Please!
- Okay okay okay. Stop.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to
hang by the bar,

- put out the vibe.
- Okay.

Nice set of hooters
you got there.

- I beg your pardon?
- The owls, they're beautiful.

Oh.

Yeah.

Are you
a bird lover?

Me? Oh, no.
Well, I used to have a parakeet--

- Ah.
- --but now my main area of expertise

is, uh, canines--

"dogs"
to the layperson.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- I love dogs too.
- Oh.

- So how are you involved with them?
- Oh, you know,

I've trained them, bathed them,
clipped them.

- I've even bred them.
- Oh, really?

- Any unusual breeding?
- No.

Mostly just doggy-style.

One time,
we successfully mated

a bulldog
with a shih-tzu.

Really?
That's weird.

Yeah. We--
we called it a bullshit.

( laughing hysterically )

Oh, I'm-- anyway,
the real reason

I came over here
was to--

I've got to introduce you
to a buddy of mine.

- I don't believe I've met your friend.
- Oh.

Well, actually, we haven't been
properly introduced.

- My name is Mary Swanson.
- Hi, Harry Dunne.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
This is my stepmother Helen.

Hi. Harry Dunne.
Pleasure to meet you both.

Mm-hmm. Well,
I saw you come in.

I was hoping I'd get
a chance to meet you.

- You were? Really?
- Yes! That tuxedo, it's fabulous!

Really. I love a man
with a sense of humor,

and so does Mary.
It's hysterical!

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

Oh. Anyway, um,
about my friend--

What are you doing tomorrow?
I believe that Mary

is looking for someone
to hit the slopes with.

She-- what? Huh?

Helen, you're
embarrassing me.

Well, you are.
I mean, after all,

the snow's going to be gone
in a couple of weeks.

and, well, this may be
your last chance.

Poor thing, she never
gets a chance to get out.

Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne?
Are you available?

Well, I don't know.
See, my friend--

Oh, forget your friend
for one day.

I think you kids'll have
a wonderful time. What do you say?

Well, you know,
I don't know, you know.

You know, the thing--
part of-- sure.

What time?
Ahem--

How come you didn't
bring her over?

Relax.
You're golden.

- I got you a date with her tomorrow.
- Oh.

- ( stammers ) What-- l-- this--
- Yeah.

- I love you, man.
- Okay okay.

- You're kissing me.
- I love you.

- I love you!
- You're kissing me. Lloyd!

This calls for
a little of the bubbly!

- You're going to be my best man, Harr.
- Oh, good.

- I promise.
- Thank you.

You have just
earned yourself a seat

at the head table, pal.
And we already got the tuxes.

- ( loud thud )
- ( owl squawks )

- Woman: Gracious sakes!
- ( crowd murmuring )

- Man : Good grief!
- Boy, this party really died.

Hey, maybe it was
a coincidence.

( mimics )
Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

It was a message, Shay,
pure and simple.

I mean, we killed
their bird.

Now they killed
one of ours.

How could anybody
whack a bird with a cork?

These guys aren't
just anybody.

They're good.

Mary Christmas.

Mrs. Mary Christmas.

- Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?
- Yeah yeah, that sounds nice.

But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be
jumping the gun a little bit?

I mean, you know,
who knows?

You know, maybe,
once you get to know her

you'll find out
that she's not your type.

Hey!

Don't you ever
say that again!

She is the love
of my life!

The blood in my veins!

We belong together...

till the mountains
fall into the sea,

till the heavens
collide!

Or until I get sick of her
and need to move on.

- You hear me?!
- Okay okay okay okay. Just calm down.

Just calm down.

( panting )
Okay.

Now...

Iet me
get this straight.

Lobby bar
in the lobby.

Yeah, and that's
what she said.

She'll meet you there
at 10:00 sharp.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Where're you going
in that get-up?

Oh. I-- you know, I just thought,
you know,

when you'd be off making
your love connection

I'd be out trying my luck
on the slopes.

You mean you're gonna
go out in public

dressed in tights?

Oh no, these aren't
tights, Lloyd.

These are fashionable
Euro-trash ski trousers.

Pretty revealing.

Really?

Yeah, but it's
just a tiny lump.

No one'll notice.

You're right.
I can't go out dressed like this.

( "New Age Girl"
playing )

( "New Age Girl"
playing )

# Rah! #

- # I've got a New Age girl #
- # Tell us what she's like #

- # Environmentalist girl #
- # Does she ride a bike? #

- # She has a crystal necklace... #
- Hey!

- Coming!
- # She spend a lot of cash? #

# Though her vibes
are rather reckless #

- # Heading for the crash... #
- Hey!

Man :
Nice going, buddy!

#...and she wonders about knowing,
where did we begin? #

# Mary Moon #

- # She 's a vegetarian #
- # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon #

# Mary Moon will help with all
the septuagenarians... #

- # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon.
- Ma 'am.

# Mary Moon,
she 's an intellectual... #

Beautiful outfit,
sir.

There you go.

# Mary Moon, despite that fact,
remains quite sexual #

# Mary Moon, Mary Moon,
Mary Moon. #

Hey.
How you doin'?

You're a little early.

We don't open
for about 45 minutes.

I'm meeting
someone here.

- Mind if I wait at the bar?
- No. Come on in.

It's a beautiful day,
huh, Harry?

Yes yes, I've had a wonderful time
so far. Thank you.

God, it feels
so good to get up here.

I haven't been outside that much
in the last couple weeks.

Oh, yeah?
Why not?

Um, there's been
some family problems,

but I don't want
to bore you with those.

Thanks.

Oh, look. Frost.

- Harry?
- ( grunting )

- Are you okay?
- ( muffled ) Oh, yeah,

I do this all the time.

Let's go to the top
this time.

- Hi, there.
- Ugh...

Say, kids,

you wouldn't
happen to have

a cup of warm water,
would you?

( slurps )
Yuck.

Excuse me.

Is it 10:00 A.M. yet?

It's 1 :00.

That's what I have too.
Thought maybe it was fast.

She's running late,
huh?

Just a couple hours.
You know girls.

When they're excited
about something,

everything has to
be perfect.

This one's on me.

Yippee.

Chablis, please.

Hello.

( belching )

Bad day, huh?

Me too.

'Course everything's
been bad

since I broke up
with my boyfriend.

( whispers )
Oh my God.

My God! You poor guy.
Does it hurt?

I'm fine. I saved
a seat for you.

( taps )

Oh no, listen. This is silly.
Let me help you.

No no no no no.

Yes. It'll only hurt for a moment,
like a Band-Aid.

- Come on, ready?
- No no no no. No.

Come on. Go.

( grunting )

( crackling )

# Well, if you want,
I'll be by your side #

# And if you don't,
maybe suicide #

# It's my love
that'd kill me, dear #

# If you won 't hold me
and have me near #

# 'Cause I'll be good
to you in every way #

# I'll give you loving,
baby, every day #

# A loving that's good enough,
a loving that's all right #

# I'll love you like an oven
on the coldest night #

# Whoo! #

( loud thud )

# 'Cause if you don 't love me,
I'll kill myself #

# If you don 't love me,
I'll kill myself #

# If you don 't love me,
I'll kill myself #

( screams )

# If you don 't love me,
I'll kill myself #

Come on, come on.

# If you don 't love me. #

- ( chuckles )
- Pfft.

What am--

( laughing )

I said to myself,
"Run, Beth.

Run for your life before this man
kills you both."

Then do you know
what the klutz did?

No, and I don't care!

I'm going to tell you, He came home
one night dead drunk

and decided he wanted
to fix the sink.

Couldn't believe him.

Anyway, enough about me.
Let's talk about you.

- How come you're here?
- Bartender!

Yeah?

You wouldn't happen to know
a Mary Swanson, would you?

Mary Swanson? Yeah.

She comes in here
all the time.

What's that
supposed to mean?

She has dinner.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Uh...

you know where
she lives?

Yeah, her family has the big place
up on Alpine Drive.

Alpine Drive?
Big place?

No way!

That's great!

We landed
on the moon!

I've gotta tell you,

today was just what I needed.
Thanks a lot, Harry.

( slurred )
Blell, blit blas...

it was my pleasure,
Mary.

So you'll pick me up
tonight at 7:45?

Well, no, I've got
a few things

to take care of first.

Why don't we make it
quarter to 8:00?

( laughs )
Stop it!

Okay 7:45.

( kisses ) Bye.

Doesn't make
any sense, Lloyd.

She told me
10:00 sharp!

Are you sure you went
to the right bar?

Oh, yeah. Yep.
I'm pretty sure.

Lobby bar.
Right in the lobby.

Ahh... well...

maybe she just had
a change of heart.

Oh, that pisses me off!
That pisses me right off!

I hate when women
do that, you know?

She wanted
to see you again!

She told me that!
And now no?

Now-- wait a minute!
Wait!

She must have meant
10:00 at night.

Do you think?

Why would she have you meet her
at a bar at 10:00 in the morning?

I just figured she was
a raging alcoholic.

( both laughing )

- Oh, that's th--
- And all this time,

I've been going through such pain
and personal anguish.

Such hell!
For nothing!

Oh, God.
That's funny.

Oh, that's good stuff.
Oh, boy.

Well, listen, looks like
you got your night planned,

so I'm just going to head out
and catch a flick.

Okay.

10:00 in the morning.

Hey, Harry,
old buddy, old pal!

Yeah?

Will you join me in a good-luck toast
before you head out?

Oh, sure thing. Whatever you think
will help your chances.

Yes, sirree.

You know why
I like you, Harry?

Because you're
a regular guy.

Yep, that's why I want you
to stay regular.

1/2 teaspoon for fast,
effective relief.

( whistling )

( laughing )

Mmm!

( "Auld Lang Syne"
playing )

To my friend Harry...
the matchmaker.

Oh, get out of here.
I'm-- I've--

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

( stomach rumbles )

( doorbell rings )

Mary: Hi, the door's open.
Come on upstairs.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, make yourself
at home, okay?

I'm almost ready.
One minute?

- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay.

( stomach violently
gurgling )

( loud sputtering )

( trills )

( sputtering continues )

( sighs )

( chuckles )

( panting )

( knocks )

Mary: Harry, are you
in there?

Be right out!

I hope you're not using the toilet.
It's broken.

( ominous music plays )

- Huh?
- The toilet doesn't flush.

No, I was
just shaving.

Shaving?

Yeah, I was running
a little late.

I thought this
would save some time.

Okay well, I'll be in the kitchen
whenever you're ready.

Oh, Jeez!

- ( laughing maniacally )
- ( whimsical music playing )

- ( laughing maniacally )
- ( whimsical music playing )

Tomorrow on
"A Current Affair,"

inside the home of the Menendez
brothers' attorney.

And next, we'll be
back in a minute

with the heartbreaking story
of the blind Rhode lsland boy

who was duped into
buying a dead parakeet.

I just thought
he was real quiet.

Who are these
sick people?

( doorbell rings )

- Hi!
- Hi.

Yes?

Remember me?

Uh... not really.

Providen--
Providence.

I drove you
to the airport last week.

Oh my God!

Uh... Lloyd, right?

You remembered
my name.

What are you doing
in Aspen?

I brought you
your briefcase.

You left it at the airport,
you big goof!

- You have my briefcase?
- Yeah.

Hey, I have it
at my hotel room.

You want to jump on the bike with me?
We can go get it

unless...
unless you're busy.

Oh, no no no!
No no!

- I don't wanna--
- You just wait right here.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Come on, flush,
you bastard!

Mary: Harry, what are
you doing in there?

- I'm just-- I'm cleaning my teeth!
- ( clattering )

I'm cleaning my teeth.

I'm gargling.

Just give me a minute, Mary.
I'll be right with you.

Harry, I'm sorry, but something
important's come up,

and I've got
to run out.

It's-it's sort of an emergency.
I'll explain later.

- But, Mary--
- I'm sorry. I've really got to go.

I promise we'll do this
again sometime.

Race you to the top.

- Come here.
- Agh!

Yeah! Ha ha!

I won!

Look familiar?

I don't believe it.
You really have it.

Of course, I have it.

When Lloyd Christmas
drives a woman to the airport,

he makes sure she gets
all her luggage.

- That's my whole philosophy.
- This is incredible.

You mean to say
you drove 2,000 miles

just for me?

Uh... I didn't really
have a lot to do.

And I know how
frustrating it can be

to lose a bag.

That is so sweet, Lloyd.

( kisses )

( romantic pop music
playing )

Look, Mary, I know this may
seem a little sudden,

but I've given it
a lot of thought.

You're the woman I've been waiting
for my whole life,

and I'm not ashamed
to admit it.

Please...
Let me finish.

I'm crazy about you.

I've never felt this way
about anybody.

Listen to me.

I feel like
a schoolboy again,

a schoolboy
who desperately wants

to make sweet
sweet love to you.

Oh, I thought I heard
you talking to someone.

Mary, l-l--

I desperately want to make love
to a schoolboy.

- Maybe I should be going.
- No no...

( stutters )

No, l-- that's not
what I meant.

Um... what l
meant was, um...

God.

I-I like you, Mary.

I like you a lot.

I want to ask you a question
straight out, flat out,

and I want you to give me
an honest answer.

What do you think
the chances are

of a guy like you
and a girl like me...

ending up together?

Well, Lloyd,
that's difficult to say.

We really don't--

Hit me with it!
Just give it to me straight!

I came a long way
just to see you, Mary.

Just-- the least you can do
is level with me.

What are my chances?

Not good.

You mean not good,
like one out of 100?

I'd say more like
one out of a million.

So you're telling me
there's a chance!

Yeah!

I read you.

( knocks )

Hi. We have plenty
of towels. Thanks.

Nicholas!
What are you doing here?

I've been looking
for you, Mary.

I have some news
about your husband.

Husband?!
Wait a minute!

What was all that
one-in-a-million talk?

Aren't you going to
invite me in?

Beth: Hey, Harry,
you never called!

What are you doing here?

Excuse me, gunman,
who are you?

Don't play dumb
with me, asshole!

I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase
you've been carrying around!

Oh. Well, then...

Nicholas, my family
trusted you.

Shut up!

Listen, Mr. Samsonite,
about the briefcase--

my friend Harry and l
have every intention

- of fully reimbursing you.
- What?

You open it up.
Open it up!

Go ahead, open it up.
Do what he says.

Hurry.

What is this?
What is this?

Where's all the money?

That's as good
as money, sir.

Those are lOUs.
Go ahead and add it up.

Every cent's
accounted for.

Look. See this?

That's a car.
275 thou.

Might want to hang on
to that one.

You're a dead man.
You're a dead man!

Lloyd, I'm home!

Look, we've got to have
a serious talk.

I got a confession
to make.

Oh, good.
You found her.

I'll leave
you two alone.

No. Stay.

Ugh!

Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket
to Amsterdam

departing as soon
as possible, please.

How do you guys
know each other?

We used to be
best friends.

Yeah, until he turned
into a backstabber.

Me a backstabber?
You got a lot of nerve.

You knew I was
crazy about her!

And you knew I was crazy
about Fraida Felcher,

- and that didn't stop you, did it?
- ( gasps )

- What do you mean?
- ( mimics ) What do you mean?

Don't deny it, Lloyd.

Fraida told me the whole sleazy story,
Mr. French Tickler.

Okay, what time does it--
what time does that leave?

Thank you--
wait a second.

Can I have
a vegetarian meal?

I guess we both learned
a little something

- about each other today, didn't we?
- Yeah, you said it, pal.

Maybe we're not as good of
friends as we thought we were.

I guess not.

I mean, if one beautiful girl
can rip us apart like this,

then maybe our friendship
isn't worth a damn.

Maybe we should
call it quits right now.

You just tell me
where to sign, bud.

Right on my ass
after you kiss it!

Kiss it?!
You kiss mine!

Both cheeks, both lips,
right here!

- Put it right--
- Shut up!

Now, which one of you losers
wants to get it first?

Over here...

I was the one that got you into
this whole mess.

Come on
and shoot me.

No! Wait! Wait.
No no, do me first.

I stole your girl, Lloyd.
I deserve it.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't--
- Yes, I do!

Yesterday was one of the greatest
days of my life.

Mary and I went skiing, we made
a snowman, she touched my leg.

Okay, kill him!

( sobbing )
Oh! Oh, no!

You killed my best friend,
you bastard!

If it's any consolation,

you're about
to be reunited.

( gun clicking )

Harry!
You're alive!

And you're
a horrible shot.

Lucky me.

Police! Open up!
Nobody move!

Everybody freeze!
Get those hands up!

Not you, dummy!

Man:
Get the gun.

Special Officer
Beth Jordan, FBl.

Hey! Who?
But-- huh?

Mr. Dunne,
thank you very much.

We couldn't have
done it without you.

We've been
following you guys

all the way
from Providence.

What's going on,
Harry?

Your name is Harry,
isn't it?

Yeah, she-she grabbed me down the lobby,
explained what was up.

Then they slapped
this bulletproof vest on me

and gave me a gun.

But what if he shot you
in the face?

What if he shot me
in the face?

That's a risk
we were willing to take.

How come I didn't
get a gun?

Did you
get a gun?

# We can't play
this game anymore #

# But can we still
be friends? #

# Things just can't
go on like before #

# But can we still
be friends? #

# We had something
to learn #

# Now it's time... #

You were right,
Lloyd.

She was definitely
worth the trip.

Yeah. She's something,
ain't she, Harr?

I'm glad we were able
to help her out.

# You know
it's all gone #

# Let's admit
we made a mistake... #

- Honey!
- Easy easy.

- You're okay.
- Okay, I'm just a little sore.

I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetie.

Oh, baby, I missed
your loving.

Honey, there's someone
I want to introduce you to.

He's the kindest,
gentlest man I've ever met.

- Will you meet him?
- Sure.

He's got a gun!

Mary:
Lloyd? Lloyd!

Huh?

I said this is
my husband Bobby.

- Oh. Hi, Bobby.
- Hi.

- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you.

Thank you both
very much.

I owe you both
a debt of gratitude.

Thank you.

I can't believe
this, Lloyd.

First Mary dumps us,

then the cops take
our nest egg.

- Then our hog breaks down.
- Yeah!

When are we ever
gonna catch a break?

# Hallelujah #

# Hallelujah #

# Hallelujah
hallelujah #

# Hallelujah. #

- Hi, y'all.
- ( speaking foreign language )

Hi, guys! We're going
on a national bikini tour,

and we're looking for
two oil boys

who can grease us up
before each competition.

You are in luck!

There's a town about
three miles that way.

I'm sure you'll find
a couple guys there.

Okay. Thanks.

Bye!

Do you realize
what you've done?

- Hey!
- Lloyd!

Lloyd!

You'll have to
excuse my friend.

He's a little slow.

The town is
back that way.

Wow.

Two lucky guys

are gonna be driving around
with those girls

for the next
couple of months.

Yeah, don't worry.

We'll catch
our break too.

- Just gotta keep our eyes open.
- Yeah.

# Now, we've been
friends forever... #

# Now, we've been
friends forever... #

- You're it.
- You're it.

You're it.
Quitsies.

You're it. Anti-quitsies,
double-stamp.

You're it. Anti-quitsies,
triple-stamp.

- No erasies, none at all.
- You can't triple-stamp.

Yes, if you have a double-stamp,
of course you can.

- You can't triple-stamp!
- # La la la la la... #

You can't if you
have a double-stamp!

You can't triple-stamp--
the rule!

You can't triple-stamp
a double-stamp, Lloyd!

Lloyd! Lloyd!

# And now we're rolling
down the hill #

# Down the hill. #

# Here you go,
way too fast #

# Don't slow down,
you're gonna crash #

# You should watch,
watch your step #

# Don't look out,
gonna break your neck #

# So shut,
shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not
listenin' anyhow #

# I had enough,
enough of you #

# Enough to last
a lifetime through #

# So what do you
want of me? #

# Got no words
of sympathy #

# And if I go
around with you #

# You know that I'll get
messed up too with you #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

# Here you go,
way too fast #

# Don't slow down,
you're gonna crash #

# You don't know
what's been going down #

# You've been runnin'
all over town #

# So shut,
shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not
listening anyhow #

# I've had enough,
enough of you #

# Enough to last
a lifetime through #

# So what do you
want of me?

# Got no cure
for misery #

# And if I go
around with you #

# You know that
I'll get messed up too #

# With you #

# With you #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

- # Slow down #
- # You're gonna crash #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

- # Slow down #
- # You're gonna crash #

# With you #

# With you #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

- # Slow down #
- # You're gonna crash #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

- # Slow down #
- # You're gonna crash #

# Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na #

- # Slow down #
- # You're gonna crash. #

# Well, if you want,
I'll be by your side #

# And if you don't,
maybe suicide #

# It's my love
that'd kill me, dear #

# If you won't hold me
and have me near #

# Because I'll be good
to you in every way #

# I'll give you lovin',
baby, every day #

# A lovin' that's good,
a lovin' that's all right #

# A lovin' like an oven
on the coldest night #

# Whoo! #

# 'Cause if you don't love me,
I'll kill myself #

# Yeah, if you don't love me,
I'll kill myself #

# If you don't love me,
I'll kill myself #

# If you don't love me,
I'll kill myself. #

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