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1
00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:10,551
(humming)
2
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,328
-(whirring)
-(grunting)
3
00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:14,513
-(clangs)
-Ow!
4
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,907
Oh, for the love of
absolutely nothing, Toot.
5
00:00:16,909 --> 00:00:18,091
Keep it down!
6
00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:20,352
You're disturbing my customers!
7
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,745
(snoring)
8
00:00:21,747 --> 00:00:23,338
-(squeaks)
-Start the board meeting
without me.
9
00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,190
(snoring)
10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,525
Oops.
11
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:30,529
Is my new Kawabashi Leaf Ninja
set in show-off mode?
12
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:34,015
That's 500 CCs
just champing at the bit.
13
00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:35,776
-(revs blower)
-Ow!
14
00:00:35,778 --> 00:00:38,019
My black-market
cochlear implant!
15
00:00:38,021 --> 00:00:40,355
Now let me blow
something else.
16
00:00:40,357 --> 00:00:41,615
Your mind.
17
00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:44,209
Ow! My black market
LASIK surgery!
18
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:47,695
The youth hockey team
that I sponsor and coach
19
00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:49,214
won the championship this year.
20
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:53,610
Trophies are what they give
to winners, when they win.
21
00:00:53,612 --> 00:00:55,962
F. Y. I.
22
00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:58,373
Okay, stuff like this
is why Gayle left you.
23
00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,617
No one knows why Gayle left me,
24
00:01:00,619 --> 00:01:03,136
except for Gayle
and my more-handsome brother.
25
00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:05,564
But don't let my success
get to you, Moe.
26
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,734
Remember, just because
something good happens to me,
27
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,718
you're a giant loser.
28
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,906
Anyway, just something
for you to stew on.
29
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:17,725
Right. Sure I am.
Me, stew. No way.
30
00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:20,304
Not stew, not me.
No stew.
31
00:01:20,306 --> 00:01:21,655
-Hey, Stu.
-(chuckles)
32
00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:22,915
Me, stew?
33
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:26,901
I ain't spending one second
replaying my failures.
34
00:01:26,903 --> 00:01:28,645
(chuckles)
35
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:31,148
Like how I don't got no money,
I got no education.
36
00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:33,166
My mattress
is a pallet of flyers
37
00:01:33,168 --> 00:01:34,409
I was supposed to deliver.
38
00:01:34,411 --> 00:01:36,820
How I was invited
to five different dinners
39
00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:38,171
for schmucks in one week.
40
00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:40,081
I only got one lightbulb,
41
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:42,101
which I got to take
from room to room.
42
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:46,087
How every sex cult I join
turns into a suicide cult.
43
00:01:46,089 --> 00:01:48,941
I'm a speck.
No, I'm-I'm less than a speck.
44
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,426
I'm nothing but, uh...
I'm a scuzz.
45
00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:52,760
Moe, what gives?
46
00:01:52,762 --> 00:01:55,614
You've been dwelling on your
failures for ten months.
47
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,265
Why didn't you stop me?
48
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,526
'Cause then we'd have
to touch your shoulder.
49
00:01:59,528 --> 00:02:00,661
(all shudder)
50
00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:03,864
Soccer season is over.
51
00:02:03,866 --> 00:02:07,108
The conquering
participant returns.
52
00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:09,353
Congratulations, sweetie.
53
00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:12,205
I know how hard you strived
to participate.
54
00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:15,783
It wasn't easy,
but I did the bare minimum.
55
00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:19,045
Thanks for driving me to games
every Saturday, Dad.
56
00:02:19,047 --> 00:02:21,047
Well, I knew
it wouldn't last forever.
57
00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,049
And now,
with soccer season over,
58
00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:25,460
sitting season...
59
00:02:25,462 --> 00:02:27,053
begins.
60
00:02:27,055 --> 00:02:28,388
Homer, get up.
61
00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:31,041
Bart's first
junior hockey game is today.
62
00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:33,727
But-but kids' sports was over!
63
00:02:33,729 --> 00:02:36,563
It's great father-son bonding.
64
00:02:36,565 --> 00:02:39,549
No. It's me driving
while Bart looks at his phone.
65
00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:41,827
Then it's Bart playing
while I look at my phone.
66
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,830
Then me driving home while
we both look at our phones.
67
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:48,392
That's what kids' sports is.
68
00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:50,727
Can I have some money
to bet on the games?
69
00:02:50,729 --> 00:02:52,913
♪
70
00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,173
(indistinct chatter)
71
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:56,082
-(whistle blows)
-Okay, diapers.
72
00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,417
I'm gonna tell you something
73
00:02:57,419 --> 00:03:00,404
no coach ever had the heart
to say to his players.
74
00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:04,099
You are only here
to fix my emotional problems.
75
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,351
Yeah!
76
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,836
We're 20 games away
from me getting a trophy
77
00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:11,765
and six payments away
from me owning this whistle.
78
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,767
Now, you all know the game plan.
79
00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:16,010
We suck except Bart,
so give him the stupid puck
80
00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:18,513
and then shut our stupid mouths,
you stupid pukes.
81
00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:20,941
Yeah, good job, uh,
kid who ain't Bart.
82
00:03:20,943 --> 00:03:23,035
Now let's go watch Bart do this!
83
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,762
(cheering)
84
00:03:25,764 --> 00:03:27,664
♪
85
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:40,552
(scoreboard buzzes)
86
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,596
(cheering)
87
00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:45,615
Oh, you're so done, Toot.
88
00:03:45,617 --> 00:03:47,451
(whoops)
89
00:03:47,453 --> 00:03:49,970
(laughter)
90
00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:52,456
(indistinct chatter)
91
00:03:52,458 --> 00:03:54,233
(whispering)
92
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,885
(grunts)
93
00:03:57,887 --> 00:04:02,148
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch...
94
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:05,635
Oops. My biggest guy
took out your scorer.
95
00:04:05,637 --> 00:04:09,306
Hey, feel free to retaliate
with your biggest kid.
96
00:04:09,308 --> 00:04:11,324
Hmm.
97
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:14,736
Put me in, Coach.
I'll rip him limb from limb.
98
00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:17,163
(grunting)
99
00:04:17,165 --> 00:04:19,007
Let me at him. (grunts)
100
00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:23,553
(grunting)
101
00:04:26,158 --> 00:04:28,583
-The net ate my hockey cookie.
-(audience cheering)
102
00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:30,394
(crying)
103
00:04:31,497 --> 00:04:33,830
(buzzes)
104
00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:35,983
(groaning)
105
00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:45,617
Wha...
106
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,035
(gasps)
107
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,288
(grunts)
108
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,440
Oh, thank heavens.
An adult has arrived to help me.
109
00:04:52,442 --> 00:04:54,626
No, no, no.
I'm just here to observe.
110
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,019
(grunts)
111
00:04:56,021 --> 00:04:58,188
Uh, how would you like
to play hockey?
112
00:04:58,190 --> 00:05:00,206
Haw-haw... key?
113
00:05:00,208 --> 00:05:02,116
It's the most messed-up sport
in the world.
114
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,528
It's like a prison riot
but with less rules.
115
00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:07,806
And you, you would play
the best position of all--
116
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,382
the goon.
117
00:05:09,384 --> 00:05:10,792
Goon...
118
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:11,959
Pretty word.
119
00:05:11,961 --> 00:05:13,553
What it mean?
120
00:05:13,555 --> 00:05:17,632
It's that sweet spot between
a thug and an enforcer.
121
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:20,485
Anyone who comes near
the best players on the team,
122
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,379
the goon turns their face
into mustard.
123
00:05:22,381 --> 00:05:25,231
(chuckles) You're exactly
what my team needs.
124
00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:27,400
Team? I don't do teams.
125
00:05:27,402 --> 00:05:28,735
Sorry.
126
00:05:28,737 --> 00:05:30,387
Not my pierogies!
127
00:05:30,389 --> 00:05:33,165
My Oma makes them
but once a week.
128
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,892
(groans)
I got to deal with this.
129
00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:37,243
Nah, I get it.
130
00:05:37,245 --> 00:05:39,412
People look at scuzzes like us
like we got the plague.
131
00:05:39,414 --> 00:05:42,657
Which, when I did,
it weren't even bubonic.
132
00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:45,827
Our schedule, in case
you change your mind, there.
133
00:05:45,829 --> 00:05:47,161
Maybe we'll both find out
134
00:05:47,163 --> 00:05:49,089
what it feels
like to be winners.
135
00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:51,016
-(grunting)
-Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
136
00:05:55,914 --> 00:05:57,689
Full steam ahead, lads.
137
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,082
We make for the goal,
138
00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:01,676
and damn their
neutral zone trap.
139
00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:03,195
(laughing)
140
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:06,198
Oh, another weekend
murdered by kids' sports.
141
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,091
How come this is
the only league in the world
142
00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:09,943
without a labor dispute?
143
00:06:09,945 --> 00:06:11,611
Unionize, cowards!
144
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,263
SEA CAPTAIN: Yarr!
145
00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:16,041
(grunts)
I'm getting killed out there!
146
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,118
So you get a little dinged up.
147
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,604
You ever seen the children's
wing at the hospital?
148
00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:23,106
They got murals on the walls.
You'll love it.
149
00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:26,200
Everywhere you look--
rainbow, rainbow, rainbow.
150
00:06:26,202 --> 00:06:27,961
The whole league
knows all they have to do
151
00:06:27,963 --> 00:06:29,554
is beat me up and they win.
152
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,539
Yeah, you're right,
it's hopeless.
153
00:06:31,541 --> 00:06:34,117
There ain't nobody
who's gonna walk into this rink
154
00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:35,727
and turn me into a winner.
155
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,787
No how, no when.
156
00:06:37,789 --> 00:06:40,732
Did somebody order a psycho?
157
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,883
Oh.
158
00:06:41,885 --> 00:06:43,126
Where do you want me, Crotch?
159
00:06:43,128 --> 00:06:45,295
Uh, it-it's "coach."
But just get out there.
160
00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:47,197
Get out there and do your thing.
161
00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:49,482
(grunts)
162
00:06:49,484 --> 00:06:52,369
♪
163
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,661
(buzzing)
164
00:07:01,663 --> 00:07:02,979
-We won!
-We did it!
165
00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:04,089
-Oh, my gosh!
-(cheering)
166
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,483
-My life has meaning!
-(blowing whistle)
167
00:07:06,485 --> 00:07:08,818
As I've been screaming
for the last 15 minutes,
168
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:12,155
-all players must be
wearing skates.
-Oh, come on.
169
00:07:12,157 --> 00:07:13,581
There's no way that that...
170
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,100
Oh, there it is.
171
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,102
Rule number one:
"No cafeteria trays."
172
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,512
The Bar Flyers forfeit.
The game is over.
173
00:07:19,514 --> 00:07:21,831
ALL:
Aw!
174
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,166
You said I'd get to win.
175
00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:26,111
All I did was make
everyone else a loser, too.
176
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:30,173
Loser? No, no,
you-you were amazing out there.
177
00:07:30,175 --> 00:07:33,285
-I was?
-Kid, you are
a natural born goon.
178
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,863
A real diamond in the urinal.
All you need is some training.
179
00:07:36,865 --> 00:07:40,292
And I'm gonna make sure
that you learn from the best.
180
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,129
Welcome to Top Goon.
181
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,446
It's beautiful.
182
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:48,115
I'm gonna learn so hard, Moe.
183
00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:51,761
-I won't let you down.
-I know you won't, kid.
184
00:07:53,456 --> 00:07:56,141
-What was that?
-Oh, I just tousled your hair.
185
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,702
Ain't nobody
ever done that before?
186
00:07:58,704 --> 00:07:59,886
Uh..
187
00:07:59,888 --> 00:08:01,387
Keep going.
188
00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:04,298
Yeah, my arm's getting
a little tired, here.
189
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:06,568
-That's your problem.
-(sighing): All right.
190
00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:13,233
Welcome to Top Goon.
191
00:08:13,235 --> 00:08:14,493
I'd like to introduce you
to your faculty,
192
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,070
the most feared men
to ever lace 'em up.
193
00:08:17,072 --> 00:08:18,830
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz.
194
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,165
That's just a nickname.
195
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,243
My given name is
David "The Hammer" Schultz.
196
00:08:23,245 --> 00:08:25,337
Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson.
197
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,747
I look sane,
but trust me, I'm not.
198
00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:28,990
You'll see.
199
00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:30,842
(growly):
You'll all see.
200
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,326
And Tiger Williams.
201
00:08:32,328 --> 00:08:34,829
Your instructor
for Basic Pummeling
202
00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:36,014
and, time permitting,
203
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,350
The American Novel:
1930 to the Present.
204
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,576
(growls)
205
00:08:39,578 --> 00:08:42,670
As a goon, you have
one job on the ice:
206
00:08:42,672 --> 00:08:44,898
protect your team's best scorer.
207
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,751
We call that person
your "primary."
208
00:08:47,753 --> 00:08:51,196
This is the most important
person in your life.
209
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,757
Who's the best scorer
on your team, Muntz?
210
00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:56,943
-Bart Simpson.
-Then Bart Simpson
is your primary.
211
00:08:56,945 --> 00:08:58,928
Don't forget it.
212
00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:02,115
-Who do we protect?
-ALL: Our primary.
213
00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:04,191
And what do we do
for our primary?
214
00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:05,769
ALL:
Protect them.
215
00:09:05,771 --> 00:09:07,295
And who do we protect?
216
00:09:08,698 --> 00:09:10,031
Our primary?
217
00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:11,775
This kid's good.
218
00:09:11,777 --> 00:09:14,094
("The Hockey Song" by
Stompin' Tom Connors playing)
219
00:09:16,464 --> 00:09:19,299
♪ Hello out there, we're on the air ♪
220
00:09:19,301 --> 00:09:20,967
♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪
221
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:23,544
♪ Tension grows, the whistle blows ♪
222
00:09:23,546 --> 00:09:25,713
♪ And the puck goes down the ice ♪
223
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:28,308
♪ The goalie jumps and the players bump ♪
224
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:30,718
♪ And the fans all go insane ♪
225
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,129
♪ Someone roars, "Bobby scores!" ♪
226
00:09:33,131 --> 00:09:35,131
♪ At the good ol' hockey game ♪
227
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:37,300
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪
228
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,469
♪ Is the best game you can name ♪
229
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:42,563
♪ And the best game you can name ♪
230
00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:44,065
♪ Is the good ol' hockey game. ♪
231
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:46,251
(groans)
232
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,252
Mm...
233
00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:50,680
Aw...
234
00:09:50,682 --> 00:09:52,498
Huh?
235
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,833
Hey, sorry I'm late.
236
00:09:53,835 --> 00:09:55,819
I couldn't unlock the Maps app.
237
00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:59,005
(chuckling): My phone don't
recognize my face as a face.
238
00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:01,007
I can't believe you came!
239
00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:03,584
I wouldn't miss this
for my own mother's funeral.
240
00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:05,845
I made that choice
and I'm good with it.
241
00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:07,997
Hey, Moe.
How's it going?
242
00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:09,666
You know these guys?
243
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:12,426
I used to be the bartender
in the penalty box
244
00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,187
at the Philadelphia Spectrum.
245
00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:16,506
(chuckles)
My tip jar was full of teeth.
246
00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:19,676
I got Phil Esposito's
whole mouth somewheres.
247
00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:20,785
♪
248
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,513
Muntz, recite the goon code.
249
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:25,865
I am a goon.
I protect my primary.
250
00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:28,109
And... that's pretty much it.
251
00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:32,021
Nelson Muntz, you've out-thugged
every gorilla in your class.
252
00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,633
You are... Top Goon!
253
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,593
♪
254
00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:42,140
I did... not bad?
255
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,683
Hey, you did more than that.
256
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,143
You did not horrible.
257
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,980
Now come on, I got a graduation
present lined up for youse.
258
00:10:50,058 --> 00:10:52,633
From up here,
the wads look like ants.
259
00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,969
Hey, you-you want to drop
pickled eggs on them?
260
00:10:54,971 --> 00:10:56,363
Sure!
261
00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,382
Yeah, Duff lets me
use their blimp
262
00:10:59,384 --> 00:11:02,402
'cause I buy up all the beer
that the employees drown in.
263
00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:05,330
Pretty sweet
for a couple of scuzzes.
264
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,149
Yeah, it's a big world
down there, kid.
265
00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:09,575
And when its back is turned,
266
00:11:09,577 --> 00:11:12,595
you can steal
anything you want from it.
267
00:11:12,597 --> 00:11:14,655
Oh, that egg just hit
a cop's horse.
268
00:11:14,657 --> 00:11:16,566
Floor it, Jimmy!
Floor it!
269
00:11:16,568 --> 00:11:18,677
(revving)
270
00:11:20,071 --> 00:11:22,222
(moaning)
271
00:11:25,911 --> 00:11:27,519
Great.
I have to drive 50 miles
272
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,263
to spend my entire weekend
freezing my ass off.
273
00:11:30,265 --> 00:11:33,858
Stone-cold sober,
sitting in seats with no backs,
274
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,603
making awkward conversation
with dads who share way too much
275
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,105
about their marriages...
276
00:11:39,107 --> 00:11:42,091
I told Sarah when we got
married, "I am a foot guy."
277
00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:44,093
Please guess the one part
of the body
278
00:11:44,095 --> 00:11:46,187
she just doesn't moisturize?
279
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:48,039
Seriously, guess.
Guess!
280
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,126
-Please, just guess.
-Oh...
281
00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:59,366
Nelson, could I interest you
in a little skate?
282
00:11:59,368 --> 00:12:02,429
(groans)
I could stretch my legs.
283
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,965
(thudding)
284
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:08,560
Bart's my primary.
I protect my primary.
285
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:12,230
What happened here
is a result of your actions.
286
00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:18,311
(scoreboard buzzes)
287
00:12:18,313 --> 00:12:21,147
Wow. Your kid's got real talent.
288
00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:23,299
No-game recognize game, yo.
289
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:26,486
Shut up! Shut up, all of you!
Don't you see?
290
00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:28,747
There's nothing worse
than your kid being
291
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,081
so amazing at something
292
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,084
you can't blow it off!
293
00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:36,162
So, what's your old lady's
294
00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:37,997
footwear situation at night?
295
00:12:37,999 --> 00:12:39,999
Uh, socks?
296
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:41,426
No socks?
297
00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:48,825
All right, all right,
tomorrow is the finals.
298
00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:51,269
(whoops)
Hockey's gonna be over!
299
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,663
-If we win,
it's on to the regionals.
-D'oh!
300
00:12:53,665 --> 00:12:54,998
-Then states.
-D'oh!
301
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,349
-Tri-states.
-D'oh!
302
00:12:56,351 --> 00:12:58,668
Quad-states, nationals,
and then tri-nationals.
303
00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,503
(moaning)
304
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:02,763
But first, we take on
King Toots' team.
305
00:13:02,765 --> 00:13:06,192
The same puck-nuts what
humiliated us the last time.
306
00:13:06,194 --> 00:13:08,027
But I know we're gonna
win this game,
307
00:13:08,029 --> 00:13:11,380
because we got
our little hotshot MVP.
308
00:13:11,382 --> 00:13:14,183
That's right,
our Most Violent Puncher.
309
00:13:14,185 --> 00:13:15,752
-Nelson Muntz.
-(gasps)
-Huh?
310
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:17,796
(Bart grumbles)
311
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,206
(cheering)
312
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:22,717
I score every goal
on this team.
313
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,364
-(phone chimes)
-And who the hell is texting me?
314
00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:31,384
"Estee Dionne Malip?"
315
00:13:31,386 --> 00:13:34,053
Uh, does anybody know
what this, uh,
316
00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:36,297
"Estee Dionne Malip" is about?
317
00:13:36,299 --> 00:13:38,891
Hey, I'm dealing with
an Estee Dionne Malip?
318
00:13:38,893 --> 00:13:42,061
Anybody? I don't even know
who the hell I got this from.
319
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,714
(groans) I'm just gonna
send it to my junk.
320
00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:46,491
(laughing)
321
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,052
What? What is-what is funny
about that?
322
00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:51,162
-(laughing)
-(grunts)
323
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,164
Show some respect to Coach.
324
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,725
Why? His car is a converted
washing machine
325
00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:57,377
and his wallet is a rat trap.
326
00:13:58,913 --> 00:14:01,064
-(snaps)
-(groaning) Aah!
327
00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,990
(laughing)
328
00:14:02,992 --> 00:14:04,917
Simpson's dead.
329
00:14:04,919 --> 00:14:09,180
Bart Simpson is your primary. Bart Simpson is your primary.
330
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,832
(chuckling):
Oh, he is such a scuzz.
331
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:13,351
So am I.
332
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,020
You're not my primary.
He is.
333
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,931
-(grunts)
-Ow!
334
00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:19,932
(gasping)
335
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,527
(panting)
336
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,270
-(groaning)
-Doc, is he gonna be all right?
337
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:28,992
Yes. But I'm afraid his travel
hockey season is over.
338
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,780
(muffled grunt)
339
00:14:34,782 --> 00:14:36,541
(Homer whoops)
340
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:38,918
(moaning)
341
00:14:40,455 --> 00:14:43,940
What... what have you done?
Bart was our only chance to win.
342
00:14:43,942 --> 00:14:46,459
You were supposed
to protect your primary!
343
00:14:46,461 --> 00:14:48,219
I... I was.
344
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,555
Like hell you was.
Why'd I ever believe in you?
345
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,057
Y-You're just a fist.
Nothing more.
346
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,634
Get off of my team!
347
00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:55,894
(gulps)
348
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,479
Don't look at me.
I'm not crying!
349
00:14:59,548 --> 00:15:01,316
(sobbing)
350
00:15:02,477 --> 00:15:03,735
(grunts)
351
00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:12,226
I just feel like "hockey team"
is still a smidge too big.
352
00:15:12,228 --> 00:15:14,412
Do you have any smaller letters?
353
00:15:15,323 --> 00:15:18,541
I'm no goon.
I'm just a fist.
354
00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:23,496
And this last stop in hell
355
00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:25,214
is where I belong.
356
00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,592
(inhales, exhales)
357
00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:32,597
♪
358
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,433
Afternoon there, ma'am.
359
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,993
Uh, I'm Moe Szysl...
360
00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,453
Yeah, can you hurry it up?
361
00:15:38,455 --> 00:15:41,439
I got to eat this when
it's fresh off the zapper.
362
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,832
It's about your kid.
363
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:45,001
I was his hockey coach
and I yelled some stuff
364
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:47,094
that might have kicked
his heart in the plums.
365
00:15:47,096 --> 00:15:49,113
Oh, so you're
Coach Sizzle-slacks,
366
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,507
the guy he calls his primary.
367
00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,193
What? Nelson thinks
I'm his primary?
368
00:15:54,195 --> 00:15:56,512
-You sure about this?
-Yup.
369
00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:59,849
He yelled the whole story
at the window dog.
370
00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:01,517
(growling)
371
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,869
Nelson wasn't being a psycho
towards Bart.
372
00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:06,205
He was being a goon for me.
373
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:07,614
Do you know where he went?
374
00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:10,042
He said something about
walking the streets.
375
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:12,695
Coming to a fateful decision
or whatnot.
376
00:16:12,697 --> 00:16:14,138
Eh. Kid stuff.
377
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,516
I got to find him
before he does something crazy.
378
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,978
Nelson Muntz.
379
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,463
Your reputation precedes you.
380
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:25,132
I hear you're a dingus
to be respected.
381
00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:27,151
I'm just a fist with no code.
382
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,895
Figure I'll be working
for you sooner or later,
383
00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:32,448
so why not get it over with?
384
00:16:35,386 --> 00:16:38,479
I have a gift for smelling out
good henchmen.
385
00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:39,722
(sniffing)
386
00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:42,391
I'm getting hints
of barely-suppressed rage
387
00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:44,410
with top notes
of "nothing matters" and...
388
00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:45,819
(sniffing)
389
00:16:45,821 --> 00:16:49,398
...a deep finish of abandonment
by a male role model.
390
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,235
Smell all you want.
It won't fix anything.
391
00:16:52,237 --> 00:16:53,252
Just tell me who to hurt.
392
00:16:53,254 --> 00:16:55,404
Want me to get him a lead pipe?
393
00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:59,517
Let's start him out easy.
PVC.
394
00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:07,525
How you doing, son?
Can you move?
395
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,435
A little, but it hurts.
396
00:17:09,437 --> 00:17:10,936
I meant can you
move off the couch.
397
00:17:10,938 --> 00:17:14,532
I'm about to enjoy my first
hockey-free weekend in months.
398
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,683
Ooh, hockey!
399
00:17:16,685 --> 00:17:18,494
(grunting)
400
00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:22,932
Homer, get up.
You and Bart are gonna be late.
401
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,376
What? He's useless.
Doc said so.
402
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,028
He can't play any sport
that I have to drive him to.
403
00:17:28,030 --> 00:17:30,882
He has physical therapy,
and the only place
404
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:34,293
that takes our insurance
is three hours away.
405
00:17:34,295 --> 00:17:37,221
If they ask, Bart is a veteran.
406
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,598
Oh...
407
00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:43,710
Mr. Mayor, I believe
you know the founder
408
00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:47,732
of this vaguely-purposed
yet tax-exempt charity,
409
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,883
my goomar.
410
00:17:49,885 --> 00:17:53,029
Mistresses are the lifeblood
of our community.
411
00:17:57,335 --> 00:17:59,535
Private event.
No pictures.
412
00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:03,247
Well done, Nelly No-Sleeves.
413
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,567
If you'll excuse me,
414
00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:09,812
my men and I have some
perfectly innocent business
415
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:12,998
to attend to in the back room.
416
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,301
God bless back rooms.
417
00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:17,762
You know why you're here.
418
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,674
You borrow money from me,
I expect to be repaid.
419
00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:24,660
Time to make your bones.
420
00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:26,437
NELSON:
Lead.
421
00:18:27,832 --> 00:18:30,015
This is all I am.
422
00:18:30,017 --> 00:18:31,317
MOE:
Stop!
423
00:18:32,687 --> 00:18:35,504
Nelson, listen to me
before you done did something
424
00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:36,689
you can't done undid.
425
00:18:36,691 --> 00:18:39,024
Whoever's under that hood
don't deserve this.
426
00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:41,602
-They're a human being.
-Moe!
427
00:18:41,604 --> 00:18:44,622
Aw, thank you, old buddy.
(weak chuckle)
428
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,699
Oh, not youse!
429
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:47,959
You got to help me out.
430
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,035
I only borrowed money
from the mafia
431
00:18:50,037 --> 00:18:52,296
to buy fake birth certificates
for teenagers
432
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,540
so they could play
ten-and-under hockey.
433
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:57,860
No one deserves a Kansas City
knee job more than this guy,
434
00:18:57,862 --> 00:18:59,378
but that don't matter none.
435
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:02,365
You swing that pipe,
that's your soul on the line.
436
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,325
You're wasting your time,
"Coach."
437
00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:07,203
You said it yourself:
I'm just a fist.
438
00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:09,054
I know, and that's how
I saw youse at first.
439
00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:10,464
As a weapon.
440
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:11,798
I was using you,
441
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,393
because I was obsessed
with beating King Toot here.
442
00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:17,229
I knew it.
I'm in your head, bro.
443
00:19:17,231 --> 00:19:20,549
Feed him his own mustache!
No, wait. Don't, don't.
444
00:19:20,551 --> 00:19:22,326
Listen to me.
You're a great kid.
445
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,997
You're determined, selfless,
a real teammate...
446
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:29,000
And you did for me
what I failed to do for you.
447
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,752
You had my back, scuzz to scuzz.
448
00:19:34,565 --> 00:19:35,822
Aw. (chuckles)
449
00:19:35,824 --> 00:19:37,233
I don't know.
450
00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:40,236
Sometimes, boss, I think
you only see me as a knife.
451
00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:41,420
Did you know I got dreams?
452
00:19:41,422 --> 00:19:43,906
I want to open a gourmet
mac and cheese place
453
00:19:43,908 --> 00:19:45,332
called Louie's Gooey.
454
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:47,593
And I'm learning Swedish
on a phone app.
455
00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:49,595
But I'm just a gun to you.
456
00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:52,732
Gentlemen, I don't
see you as weapons.
457
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:56,527
(crying)
458
00:19:57,772 --> 00:20:00,514
Freaking millennials.
459
00:20:00,516 --> 00:20:04,017
Hockey's over, but maybe
we could still do stuff.
460
00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:06,946
You know, like
throw turtles at birds?
461
00:20:06,948 --> 00:20:08,781
Any time you want, kid.
462
00:20:08,783 --> 00:20:10,599
But whatever we do, from now on,
463
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:13,527
let's leave
the violence behind, uh?
464
00:20:13,529 --> 00:20:15,862
(grunts)
Aah!
465
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,457
Ah.
There you go, kid.
466
00:20:18,459 --> 00:20:20,960
-You earned that.
-No, I haven't.
467
00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:23,462
And that's what makes it
all the sweeter.
468
00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:25,038
("Through the Fire"
by Larry Greene playing)
469
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,800
♪ Through the fire ♪
470
00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,061
♪ To the wire ♪
471
00:20:31,138 --> 00:20:34,139
♪ When the night out of control ♪
472
00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:37,217
♪ Is breaking your heart ♪
473
00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:39,795
♪ Through the fire ♪
474
00:20:39,797 --> 00:20:41,722
♪ Through the fire. ♪
475
00:20:41,724 --> 00:20:42,798
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
476
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,799
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
477
00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:44,700
and TOYOTA.
478
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,474
Slower...
479
00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:53,659
slower... great.
480
00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:57,571
Okay, do another hundred,
each one way less fast.
481
00:20:57,573 --> 00:20:58,422
Oh...
482
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,483
Now, with three sessions
a week...
483
00:21:00,485 --> 00:21:03,410
-Oh...
-for the next four months...
484
00:21:03,412 --> 00:21:04,487
Oh!
485
00:21:04,489 --> 00:21:06,264
...we can have you ready
just in time
486
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:09,008
for the start
of baseball season.
487
00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:10,476
D'oh.
488
00:21:11,496 --> 00:21:14,105
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪
489
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,665
♪ Is the best game you can name ♪
490
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,001
♪ And the best game you can name ♪
491
00:21:19,003 --> 00:21:22,613
♪ Is the good ol' hockey game ♪
492
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,266
♪ It's in! ♪
493
00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,526
-♪ He shoots, he scores! ♪
-(cheering)
494
00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:28,769
♪ Henderson scores for Canada! ♪
495
00:21:28,771 --> 00:21:30,371
Shh!
496
00:21:32,608 --> 00:21:34,709
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37138
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