All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S21E10.720p.WEB.x265-MiNX

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

We now return to
Lassie, starring Vin Diesel.

What is it, Lassie?

There's a fire down
at the old church?

And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?

He totally blew
you off backstage

at the Kids' Choice Awards?

Was he hosting
or just presenting?

Oh, well, that's why.

Hey, fellas, three more
beers and a Johnnie Wheeler?

Yep.

Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.

Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.

Has anyone seen your father?

I swear he was just
here a minute ago.

- Hi, Dad.
- I'm a waffle.

Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?

Waffle!

Now prepare yourselves

'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.

Oh, I think I can handle...

Aah!

I'm sorry for reading
people's mail.

Look, one of them
scooters you see everywhere

what runs by a app.

Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the military has.

What?

It's a perfectly
reasonable comment.

You know, the military had
the Internet way before we did.

GPS, drones, you name
it. Look around, guys.

It's an amazing
time to be alive.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ That phone in your
pocket could power a rocket ♪

♪ But what does
the military have? ♪

Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.

All right, now to
scan this simple code

like every
middle-aged white guy.

It's not... I can't... I'm
doing exactly what it said.

Do I take a picture, or...?

Is there an actual
person I can talk to?

'Cause it's not working.

Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.

- Computers, am I right?
- No, you're not.

- "Push off."
- You're choking me.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

Peter, where are we going?

Relax. It's our
nation's capital.

I'm just a fan of history.

Peter, what are you up to?

What? I just love
our government.

Or at least I used to.

Hey, Cleveland, wake up.

No, don't wake
him. Don't wake him.

I don't think he
wants to be reminded.

All those in favor
of a giant key ring

for our jail cell, say "aye."

Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.

They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.

Saddle my horse.

As mayor, I reckon it's my
duty to round up the strays

and bring 'em back to safety.

He-yaw!

Oops, sorry. They-yaw!

Thank you.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

All right, I've been
driving for 18 hours.

Someone else take
the wheel... Aah!

Loose opioid!

Oh, crap. A alligator.

Oh, hey. Would you
consider not eating us?

Uh... yeah. Maybe.

- Oh, thank God.
- I think "maybe" means "no."

He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.

Well, look at that,

six summers at Lasso
Camp finally paid off.

That's where you
learned to use the ropes?

No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.

That's where I learned
to be nice funny.

Sometimes comedy
is building people up.

I know, I know.
It's hard to change.

Yep, we're back from
space, everyone. We did it.

They know you
weren't in space, Peter.

There are social media
posts of you crying

'cause you couldn't
stop a scooter.

But we're still
glad you're home.

Boy, Mayor West is a
hero, always saving the day.

One day, I want to be mayor.

Well, Stewie, it's
a noble aspiration.

A good start would be
learning about politics

- and getting involved at school.
- Eh, I suppose so.

A vote for Doug is
a vote for progress.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

I had no idea I'd run
into the town square

in the Town Square.

Are you gonna go
down the hot metal slide

in shorts again?

Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.

What are those flyers for?

I'm running for
preschool snack captain.

Throwing my
diaper into the ring.

All the snack captain
does is wear a paper hat

while the teacher passes
out Goldfish crackers.

Sure, but you
know what they say.

"Today, snack captain,
tomorrow, mayor."

- Mayor?
- This is just a formality.

My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,

so I'm running unopposed.

I'd really have to put my
foot in my mouth to lose.

- Ho-ho.
- Is funny because wordplay.

Huh, I guess Fuad
still lives in Quahog.

Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.

And I will defeat
that jerk Doug.

Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's a watch that tracks

the number of steps
I take each day.

Wow.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ Look around and be amazed ♪

♪ That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪

♪ But what does
the military have? ♪

He was asking too
many questions.

All right. Listen, Rupert.

I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be

under the microscope more
than they ever have before.

So all I'm gonna say is, I
just want to applaud you again

on your commitment to sobriety.

What do you mean
"wine doesn't count"?

Yes, rosé is wine.

And I don't want
to hear the term

"California sober"
come out of your mouth.

Hey, Stewie.

Brian, I want you to be
my campaign manager.

Really? What do I have to do?

You'll be in charge of
setting up my war room

- and situation room and sex room.
- Sex room?

Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic
over there know.

I don't know. This
is already weird.

Please, Brian. I need this.

I need this the way a
shoe salesman needs

that foot-measuring device.

I can say with absolute
scientific certainty

that you're a 10 1/2.

Now let me get you some
shoes that still may or may not fit.

Hey, Stewie, a
little birdie told me

you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.

Actually it was a tweet.

I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign

and forget any past
tension between us.

Consider them
forgotten, like La La Land,

the most celebrated
movie ever made

that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.

- Oh, he nailed you.
- I'm voting for Doug.

I'm too young to deliver a joke.

Well, looks like
the gloves are off.

But I've taken on
bigger challenges.

Like playing a game
of Paul Simon Says.

Paul Simon says Art
Garfunkel is a loser.

Oh, come on, Paul. It's
been 40 years. Let it go.

Paul Simon says I
wrote all the songs.

We know that. No one
is denying you credit.

Paul Simon says five-two is
the cutoff for being really short,

- not five-three.
- You know what? I'm bored.

I'm gonna play
Simon Cowell Says.

Simon Cowell says men
should wear low V-necks

- and have breasts.
- Thank you for One Direction.

Stewie, our polls show that
your classmates see you as aloof.

We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.

All right, well, make it a BOC.

- A what?
- A baby of color.

Stewie, what's going on?

I thought I was your
campaign manager.

I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.

I will reward absolute loyalty,

even if you have
to go to prison for it.

- And who are all these people?
- College Republicans.

When they're not on Barstool

or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.

I've also scheduled
a whistle-stop tour

of the playground.

You need to reach
the seesaw kids,

the slide kids, and spend
time with the jungle gym kids

so they know they
have your support.

Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell.

I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.

He gone!

Stewie, this debate
is make-or-break.

I've been working
on a strong opening.

Take control early,
get 'em on your side,

and it's easier to
keep them there.

Stewie, would you like to begin?

Thank you.

My friends,

this election is about
the future of snack time.

I disagree. This
election is about you.

Who is this guy? I love him.

And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions

during the attack
on The Capitol?

Here is Stewie
waving to supporters

safely behind barricades.

And here he is with Josh Hawley,

fleeing the riot
they helped stoke.

Wow, what a little bitch.

Uh-oh.

Doug... are you okay?

My God, is Doug...
pooping his pants?

Ew!

What a godsend.

We'll call him Poopy-Doopy
Doug. He'll never shake it.

He surged in the polls?

It humanized him,
made him more relatable.

Well, two can play at that game.

Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.

Chris, the election's
tomorrow. It's do-or-die time.

What the hell? You
work for Doug now?

I'm sorry, Stewie. Your
campaign is a sinking ship.

I need a winner.
I'm a professional.

You'd abandon
your brother like that?

Sorry, but that's the
way things go on The Hill.

What? Is that...
is that a thing?

No. What you just
saw was a sizzle reel

that cost me $75,000
of my own money.

Friends told me not
to use my own money.

"What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.

The network decided
not to move forward with it.

But they said they still love

being in the Chris
Griffin business.

Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.

Maybe something a little more.

But first we've got
to find dirt on Doug.

All right, there's his
campaign headquarters.

You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.

Stay focused.
Don't lick your balls.

God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls.

My God, Doug's got a file on me.

"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."

"Shapes"? How dare he?

And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.

It's hard to rectangle
this with the Doug I knew.

Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.

Wait, what do we have here?

Doug still uses a pacifier?

Oh, wait till the
papers hear about this.

Damn it, get your act
together down there, you kooks.

And that, my fellow
classmates, is how I discovered

that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.

Anyway, got off
on a tangent there,

but more germane
to this election,

I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!

Are you willing to vote

for a representative
who literally sucks?

I think not.

Stewie Griffin
for snack captain.

Thank you, Stewie.

Doug, final remarks?

Ladies and gentlemen
of the preschool,

we all know Stewie has
a brother and a sister.

Have you ever wondered why
they are so much older than Stewie?

Where is this going?

Well, I have, and I
did some research.

What I found confirms
the dark secret

that I already suspected...

Stewie Griffin was
a "whoops baby."

What the devil are
you talking about?

Stewie Griffin was a mistake!

- Oh, my God.
- A mistake?

He's a big fat phony.

Okay, I think I know
whose kid that is.

That's impossible. How
could you know that?

Oh, I had a very
reliable source.

Tell me what you know.

Stewie's a mistake.

How do you know this?

Because I'm his brother.

Hey, Stewie. What's wrong?

In an effort to
win the election,

Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous

of lies and mudslinging.

He claims I was a
whoops baby. A mistake.

Well, if you think
about it, it, it is possible.

No, it's not. That's absurd.

To be honest, I've
wondered the same thing.

You are much younger
than Chris and Meg.

Lois and Peter had two
children back-to-back,

a boy and a girl, one of
each, and then stopped.

And those two were
already a stretch

for Peter's meager salary.

I mean, don't you
think it's a little odd

that their plan would
include waiting 14 years,

until Lois was in her 40s...

Not exactly prime
reproductive years...

To have their third child?

I-I'm not saying it's true,

but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.

My God, everything
about this is terrible.

Why do you think
Peter keeps leaving you

on the fire station steps?

Most things about
this are terrible.

Come on, little guy, time
to go to the fire station.

Let me just fix my face.

All right, let's go.

I can't believe they
never bothered to tell me

I was a mistake.

Well, I'll get my revenge

by using the one trump
card every baby has.

I'll refuse to put on my shoes.

Stewie, let's get your
shoes on. We're going out.

Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie.

Come on, let me
get your shoes on.

Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.

Will you just...
Will you hold still?

Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie.

Well, so much for going to
the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.

Dangly Shiny Keys Show?

What are we
waiting for? Let's go.

What were you
upset about earlier?

I don't know, I don't remember.

Me neither, but this is amazing.

What are we doing at
this coffee shop, Stewie?

This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system

so they only accept Apple Pay.

She's gonna have
no clue what to do.

I'm sorry, we only
take Apple Pay.

Oh, wha...? I-Is that
on my computer?

Yeah, and if you don't have it,

we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.

You'll do no such thing.

Shawn Mendes?!

That's right. Wherever a
suburban mom is having trouble

with a phone
thing, I'll be there.

Give me your phone.

Here's your coffee.

What do you mean
the menu's online?

I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.

♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪

All right, time for
a little payback.

Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby

when he has to listen
to that same child blast

rebellious rock and roll.

♪ Sugar... ♪

Ha! How do you
like that, old man?

If it's too loud,
you're too old!

Hey, what's going on
down here? I love this song.

No. No, you're supposed
to be mad about this.

I do have an issue
with the volume, though.

- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- It needs to be louder.

♪ Honey... ♪

Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.

What? No. No.

This is supposed to
be making you furious.

Oh, God, this music
is making me lose it.

Should we order
two cheese pizzas?

- Uh, yeah.
- I'm in.

Hey, Quagmire,
Betty or Veronica?

Both.

- ♪ Oh, Quagmire
♪ - ♪ Oh, sugar ♪

- ♪ Who else but Quagmire?
♪ - ♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪

- Hey, Stewie.
- What do you want?

Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever
broke this whoops baby story

to sink your campaign

never intended you
to take it personally.

There's something I
think you should see.

What? You've got a
secret weapons room?

Not exactly. It's a porn room.

These are impressively
organized and cataloged.

People in the community
like things well-labeled,

so I developed the
Spewey Decimal System.

I don't want to
sound like a square,

but if you put
this level of effort

into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.

See that?

That's a mint condition 1983

Kurt Russell-Goldie
Hawn sex tape.

Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.

Well, if it's never been opened,

how do you know
it's the real thing?

Oh, it's the real thing.

People in the community
trust each other.

Stop saying "people
in the community."

I prefer not to picture
that community.

Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.

This is dated exactly nine
months before I was born.

You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?

I have the camera in
there on a grunt sensor.

There's a lot of Dad just
going to the bathroom.

That's disturbing even to me,

and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.

Sorry, sir, there's a
strict 800-penis limit.

If I let you in,

the fire marshal will
be all over my back.

But the fire marshal's
on that guy's back.

Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.

It's a great party.

Hey, everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin,

and this is my
Real World audition.

Peter... there's
something I want to do.

Oh, God, I know that look.

You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?

No. No! Aah!

Wow. Lois has strong thighs.

Please, no!

Fine, just get it over with.

I'm gonna be a mom again!

My existence is justified.

The old man's got quite
a meat bag on him, huh?

This... was the night
I was conceived?

Yep.

That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.

That's why we're trash people.

But this means...

technically I'm only
half an accident.

- Yep.
- Thanks, Chris.

It was me.

I was complimenting
my own meat bag.

Brian, say hello to
the new snack captain.

You actually won?
Wow, congrats, Stewie.

I thought you being a
mistake ruined your chances.

How'd you pull it off?

It turns out 70% of the
kids' parents aren't married

and 30% are mistakes.

Nobody gets married anymore.

One kid doesn't
even have parents.

He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.

I mean, that's the story

I would have told this
week, but whatever.

Oh, and Doug died in a
commuter plane crash this morning.