All language subtitles for The.Pickle.Recipe.2016.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] eng

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Look, I know what
you're feeling right now,

and it is totally normal.

I've been with tons
of people just like you.

Your stomach's in a knot,
your nerves are shot.

You can't believe
you're about to walk through that door.

You don't believe
you've got it in you.

Let me tell you something.

I know that you do.

Sorry, were...
were you saying something?

Nothing. You ready?

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

Everyone on your feet!

It is time to meet and greet
the couple that can't be beat.

Please welcome
Mr. and Mrs. David Tuckel!

Come on, everybody!

Let's send them off
into their new world!

Whoo!

These pickles are terrible.

Here. Taste this.

Blech!

And they hardly
give you any.

Look, I never said
that the coolers worked.

I said they were
hardly used.

No, I didn't lie.

They were hardly used
because they didn't work.

I... hello? Hello?

They should've had
your mother cater this, Morty.

Rose's pickles. Mm.

- To die for.
- Yeah, I guess.

Morty, your mother's pickles
are the best in Detroit.

The best anywhere.

Listen, uh, would you
excuse me, ladies?

I'm feeling a little nauseous.

- Is it the food?
- Uh, no.

Let's get funky!

Julie. Julie.

Hang on a sec.

- Hi, Dad. Great party.
- Well, thank you.

And you know, that's just
warm-up for your bat mitzvah.

I know. I can't wait.

Yeah, I'm pulling
out all the stops.

I got some fresh
dance concepts

and some new song ideas.

If I know you,
you'll stop at nothing.

Dad, you don't care
if I leave now, do you?

I thought we were
gonna hang out today.

I mean, you promised
me a dance.

I know, but you're working,

and Mom said
I could leave early.

Oh, well.
Mom is the queen of leaving things.

Okay, fine.
I'll stay.

No, just go.
What am I talking about?

- Just go. Have fun.
- Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

But Wednesday, we go over
your song list, okay?

'Cause your bat mitzvah
has gotta rock.

For sure.
Everyone's talking about it.

- I can't wait.
- Deal?

- Deal.
- Alright.

Go have fun.

- Oh my god. Jeez, sorry.
- What the hell are you...

- Hey! Joey!
- Uncle Morty!

- How you doin'?
- You look great up there.

- How you doin'?
- Can't complain.

Yeah, business is great.

- Wow.
- Hey, come back inside. I'll get you a drink.

Uh, no, you know,
if one more person tells me

how much they love
my ma's pickles, I'm gonna lose it.

So, here, here.
Take a card.

You need anything,
you give me a call.

Joey.

We're about
to start the hora.

Okay, on my way.

Hey, be careful.

Those horas can
get pretty wild.

Only if they're good.

Huh?

Love that.

Alright, let's hora it up!

Alright, everybody!

It's time to give
David and Debby

the traditional
wedding chair dance.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Whoa!

Hey, you looked
a little worried.

Don't. I've done this
a thousand times. Ready?

Whoa!

Fire!

Okay, okay. I'm gonna have you
a working fridge by Tuesday.

Alright, you know
what you do?

You just put a little ice
on top of the chickens.

It'll be fine.

Yeah, okay. Right.

Sorry, kid.

Look, what can
I do for you?

Well...

remember when you said
if I needed anything I should call?

It turns out
I need something.

I said that?

Yeah, at the wedding.

Oh.

I don't remember.

But I say a lot of things.

So, I, you know...

so go ahead.

Alright.

Um...

So, um, there was
a fire, and, um...

Wait a minute.
There was a fire? And I missed it?

Damn it, I love fires.
I love them.

I even set
a couple myself,

but that's just
between you and me, okay?

Right.

- Anyway, so...
- Did anyone get hurt at this fire?

- No, no, but anyway...
- You didn't set it, did you?

No, I didn't set it.
Please, Morty, let me get this out.

Okay. Go ahead.

I just... I love fires.
I just... I love them.

- Okay, go on.
- I get it.

I lost all my stuff.

Everything.
My equipment, okay?

All my gear, gone.

Wow, well, don't tell me
you weren't insured.

I need 20 grand
for new stuff.

The bank took my house.

I've maxed out
all my credit cards.

My friends are broke.
All of them.

Yeah, look, kid, I don't got
that kinda dough right now.

I... I mean, I got it,
you know, but it's not liquid.

But hey, you know, look.

Your ex is rich now.
Why don't you ask her?

No, no, no, no.
I would rather fill my ass with bees.

- No.
- Yeah.

Sounds like me
and your grandmother.

Yeah, what's with
you two, anyway?

Oh, she's just a stubborn
Polish woman, you know.

With her, it's her way
or the highway.

It's the same thing
with the pickle recipe.

I coulda made us
a bundle selling it,

and then she came in,

she put the kibosh on it.

Ah, but those
are great pickles.

Oh, yeah, I mean,
I'd be rolling in thousands now.

Look, Julie's party
is next month,

and I don't want
to disappoint her.

Alright, kid.
Let me think about it a while, okay?

How long's a while though?

- Like...
- A while?

Oh. A while is, um...
it's a while.

- Right, yeah.
- It's a while.

- Cool.
- Okay.

Hey, Joey!

Paris Jones, party emcee extraordinaire.

Uh, I never knew Hava Nagila
could be so dangerous!

Just want to say thanks
for all the new biz!

Keep those fires burning!

Hey, Mom.

Been a while, huh?

Hey, sorry I'm late, kid,

but I think I just
saved your ass.

I'm a genius!

- Get in the car.
- So why'd you wanna meet here?

- So no one'll overhear us.
- It's starting to rain.

Hey.

- Alright, I'm listening.
- Okay.

Your grandma is 85, right?

Uh, yeah,
something like that.

Okay, she's not gonna
live forever, right?

No, most people don't.

Okay, here's the plan.

So, I got a hold
of Bernie Babcock.

He's a bigwig.

He's been trying to buy your
grandmother's pickle recipe for years.

And he is loaded.

- And?
- And...

I'm gonna give you
the 20 grand out of my cut,

and it's done.

You don't even have
to pay me back.

R-Really?

Alright.

Then sell it to him.

Well, uh, there's
just one problem.

- I don't have it.
- Oh.

Oh, well, go get it.

Well...

it's... it's a little
complicated, you see?

Because, uh, Ma and I?

We don't talk.

Oh, I got it.

No worries.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want me to get it from her.
I'll ask her for it.

Yeah, well, no, you can't ask her for it.
She'll never give it to you.

No, she's at the deli
all the time.

You gotta go there,

and you gotta
somehow obtain it.

You know, you gotta, like,
borrow it from her for a while.

Okay.

Morty, if she doesn't
want to give it out,

it's her right.
It's her recipe.

No, it's not just hers.

It belongs to me, too.

I mean, you know,
it belongs to everybody.

Yeah, it just...
it sounds like stealing.

I'm not gonna steal
from my own grandmother.

Kid, the clock is ticking.

Do you want to be
standing out there

and watch them
put her into a hole

and then watch
the pickle recipe

go into the hole with her?

Those pickles,
they're just too damn good.

Do me a favor.

Think about it.

Oh, great.

Joey.

Good to see you, man.

- Harris.
- Ah, come on!

Come here.

- So good to see you.
- Okay, alright.

Yeah.

How ya doin'?
What do ya think?

Yeah, it's alright.

Yeah? Let me ask
you a question. Are you into Vettes?

They're alright.

How can you live
in the Motor City

and not appreciate
a car like this?

I mean, come on,
the speed,

the craftsmanship.

The overcompensation.

Hey, honey?

Oh, it's the human flame.

Hi, Fran.

Heard you torched
a country club.

It was a banquet hall,
and it was not my fault.

Mmm! Joey Miller catchphrase.

What are you doing here?

Well, what do you mean?
I'm picking up Julie.

We're going over
her song list.

She didn't tell me.

You can't just swing by

whenever you have
a minute between gigs.

Oh, wait, that's right.
You don't have any gigs.

Look, we went over this
last weekend, okay?

Is she here?

She's upstairs studying
for her history final.

Actually, Joe,
we're glad you stopped by.

I mean, we did want to talk
to you about Julie's party.

Yeah, the bat"mitzvae" party.

Right, anyway, look it.

I have a line on some
new equipment.

- I just gotta...
- Don't worry about it.

- I got it all taken care of.
- Harris.

Thank you! You got me
new equipment?

No, we booked another
guy to replace you.

Yeah, Paris something or other.

Paris Jones?

That is him!

- He is fantastic.
- Mm-hmm.

No, no, no!
I am doing the party.

With what? Charcoal?

Does Julie have
a say in this?

Julie doesn't know yet,
but I know you're broke,

behind on child support
and out of a job.

Alright, people.
Let's calm it down.

Check this out.

It's her present.

You bought my daughter
a cell phone?

Oh, she's had one
of those for years.

Look.

You bought my daughter
a horse?

Not just a horse.

An Appaloosa.

Oh my... you bought
her a horse?

- A horse?
- You bought me a horse?

Oh my gosh!

Oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

It's not
just a horse.

It's an Appaloosa.

Appaloosa!

Thank you!

Alright, I'm coming.

I'm in.

You can't steal
from your grandmother, you know?

Kinda what's hers is mine.

And you know,
I'm probably in the will.

Hi, Grandma. Can I be the one
to take your pickle recipe?

I know we haven't
spoken in a while.

You're not stealing
from your grandmother.

You're just taking
something from her without her knowing.

And then that's stealing.

God, where is this place?

Table for one?

Oh, no, I'm just here
to see Rose Glickman.

I'm sorry. You can't.

- Why not?
- No one allowed to watch Rose when she make pickle.

It's okay. I'm her grandson.

You... you don't understand!

Yo! What are you?
Hard of hearing?

The man just said
nobody's allowed in the kitchen

when she's making
the pickles.

Well, I'm not nobody.

I'm family.

Relax.

Bubbe!

Grandma!

No, no, no! It's me, Jo Jo!

Get out! Out!

- Grandma! That is cold! Cold!
- Out! Out!

Out, out, out, out!

Bubbe!

- Told him.
- Out, out!

Jesus!

Hey, genius, how'd
that work out for you?

How ya doing, Grandma?
You doing okay?

Yes, I'm doing fine.

Nice to see you.
It's been a while.

That would have been nice.

Looks good.

How much?

I can't take a penny
less than $50.

Here. Watch this.

Solid as a rock.

$45.

Well think about it.

Damn.

Morty's Appliance Mart.

Yeah, Morty,
she hosed me, okay?

She hosed me with water,

then she threw
a frying pan at my head.

She nearly killed me.

She declared jihad
on my face.

Joey, Joey, calm down.

No, you calm down!

Okay? The deal is off.

Did she know it was you?

Yeah, of course
she knew it was me.

I went in the kitchen,

I saw her making pickles,

and then she went nuts.
She went crazy.

Well, that was
your first mistake.

Ma never lets anyone
watch her make the pickles.

She wouldn't care
if you were the President.

You gotta go back, Joey.

I'm not going back, okay?

You go in that kitchen,

and wear riot gear.

No, forget about the kitchen.

You gotta try
catching her at home.

I'm not gonna
get shot at, too.

Don't worry. She never
keeps her gun loaded.

She does have a gun?

It's just a small gun.

Oh ho, man.

Who's ringing my doorbell
while I'm watching my wrestling?

Grandma, it's me, Joey.

You can't be my grandson.

My grandson
would never visit me.

No, I... is that a taser?

I know a guy.

Lookit, Grandma,
it is me, okay?

I'm... I'm Joseph.
Doreen's boy.

Don't you dare sully
my Doreen's name with your filthy lies.

I'm not lying. I'm Joey.

Prove it.

Pro... okay.

Okay, fine.

Uh, my name is
Joseph Glickman Miller.

I, uh... I was born
at Henry Ford Hospital, March 10th, 1980.

I, uh... I grew up
in a beige house,

with aluminum siding
at 9205 Parkside Lane.

Any schmuck with a computer
could find that out.

I watch the Dateline.

Show me the splotch
on your ass.

I'm sorry, what?

My grandson was born

with a giant splotch
on his ass.

Show me!

You... you want me...

you want me to show
you my mole?

You bet.

This is ridiculous.

I can't believe I'm doing it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh my God.

Oh my God, Jo Jo.

You're my Jo Jo.

This is the happiest
day of my life.

Well, it's the weirdest
day of my life.

Come in, come in.

But, uh... pull up your pants!

They're up!

So... Joey.

How long has it been?

I don't know,
but not that long.

Bullshit.

I hardly recognized you
with... that beard.

And you're not being
as heavy as you used to be.

Take it easy.
I wasn't a blimp.

Oh, my.

So, how's my little Julie?

Too busy to visit
an old lady?

No. Julie is gorgeous.

- There she is.
- Oh my God.

Look at that face.

A real movie star, this one.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I'll bring her by
next time it's my weekend.

Your weekend for what?

Oh, shoot.

Fran and I,
we divorced about a year ago.

Oh my God,
what did you do?

Nothing.
It just didn't work out.

Did she cheat?

- No.
- Did you cheat?

No.

So what... well, then
what's to work out?

It just didn't.

In my day,
when you had a fight,

you made up.

You get bored,
you get a hobby.

You fight over money...

you go get more money.

Mmm.
Actually makes sense.

It truly does. Oh my God!

That is good!

- You better believe it.
- Mmm!

I used to watch my mother
make them in the old country.

You stay right there.
I'll go pack you some.

- Will you?
- To take home.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Wow!
- Eat more pickles.

Friggin' Fort Knox.

Oh. Here you are.

Yeah. I was just looking
at some of your photos.

Oh, yeah.

- That's my mom, right?
- Yeah.

My little Dory.

On a horse,
for God's sake.

There's Morty.

Yes, that's him.

The one and only.

So... what's going on Joey?

Well...

I have been thinking
about expanding my entertainment business

to include catering.

And I thought, "Why not
learn from the best?"

Oh, me teach anyone?

No, I could never do that.

Besides, I'm too busy.

Well, then, I'll help.

I mean, I own my own business.

I can help you run the deli.

I can't afford to hire
anybody just now.

So, I'll work for free.

Okay? Your wisdom
will be my payment.

It's very hard work, Jo Jo.

It's not like standing
on a stage,

making a fool of yourself.

Look, I will do
whatever you say.

Well...

let me think about it.

You start tomorrow.

Really?

Grandma, thank you.
Thank you.

Be at the deli at 5:00.

No prob... 5:00 a.m.?

I'm not running
a nightclub, Jo Jo.

Yes, 5:00 a.m.
in the morning

report to Andre and Hana...

as an assistant busboy.

I didn't realize there was
a position lower than busboy.

Well, now there is,

and that's you.

Sorry, Ho.

- Okay, more.
- You should have a company do this.

Oh, yeah, we do.

We do.

- Yeah.
- I'm outta here.

Hey, come back here,
assistant busboy.

I need you to bus
table five right away.

Table five, got it.

Hey, new guy.

- Lady in the corner dropped her spoon.
- Okay. Got it.

Oh, Jesus.

Who's breaking
my dishes out here?

Grandma, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.

Oh, he thinks
I'm made of money.

For God's sake!

Five dollars says
he doesn't come back tomorrow.

Ten dollar,
he not last the day.

I'll take that action.

Hana, you want
a piece of this?

I think he might stick it out.

Hey, everybody.

I leave early.
Nephew getting tonsil out.

Oh, hope he feels better.

Hi, Ho.

Hi, Ho.

It's off from work you go.

- Snow White.
- Yeah, you the tall dwarf.

Not sure that's an insult.

You no deli man.

Come on, man,
I just started.

You never be deli man.

Well, thanks for
the vote of confidence.

What'd you do to him?

Nothing.

Well, I mean, the bathroom
door wasn't locked, and I...

and he...

so...

it was weird.

Oh, right. Here.

What's that?

I bet Andre and Young Ho
that you would last the week

without quitting
or getting yourself seriously injured,

and I won.
That's your cut.

Hmm! Thank you.

I think.

Oh, hey, Andre.

How ya doin'?

You cost me
money, punk.

You're making friends
left and right around here.

Yeah, I don't get it.

I mean, I'm usually
the life of the party.

I mean, strangers love me.

I can go into
the most uptight room and win them over,

but you guys,
you are a tough crowd.

They don't trust you yet.

Trust me with what?

Nuclear missiles?

- We're running a deli.
- With Rose.

She's like our mother, and so
we're a little protective.

You do realize
that's like being protective

of a T-Rex that swears
at you in Yiddish?

Huh?

Oh, you seem okay.

- I am okay.
- Look, I'll talk to the guys

and tell them
to give you a chance.

Oh, thank you. Honestly.

But if you do break
that sweet woman's heart

like your Uncle Morty did,

we will kick your ass,
drag you into the alley,

and leave your body
for the raccoons.

Good to know.

But FYI,

you're really cute when you threaten a
guy with woodland creatures.

Hey, busboy.

I need a ride.

Um, that's Assistant Busboy.

- Move it.
- Gotta go.

Later.

Bye.

Slow down.

You're going too fast.

Grandma, the limit's 30.
I'm doing 32.

That's speeding.

If the police make us
pull over to the side,

the soup is gonna get cold

Fine, I'll do 30.

Can you make it 28?

Just to be safe.

Where we going anyway?

I'm gonna go see
some very old friends...

who do not like cold soup.

Who's hungry?

Lots for everyone.

- Very fresh.
- There ya go.

Hi, Ernie.

How are you today?

Who's this?

- It's me, Rose.
- Hey, Rosie!

Yes, doll. You look wonderful.

How's Irv doing?

He hasn't come by
to visit in a while.

Irv passed on,
Ernie, remember?

Oh, that's right.

- I'm sorry, Rosie.
- Hey.

Who... who's that?

Oh, that's
Doreen's boy, Joey.

That... that's little Joey?

- Yeah.
- That's me.

Little Jo Jo.

Ernie was the best cook
the deli ever had.

Next to you.

Did... did you
bring the pickles?

You know I did.

- Oh, boy.
- Look at them babies.

He's a big joker, you know.

Here we go. So you wanna
cut off a little piece...

- A little piece.
- for you, here.

You tell me what you think. Good, yeah?

Amazing!

Oh, my. Oh.

You still got it, Rosie.

Yeah, of course
I do. You bet.

Irv come with ya?

No, darling.

- Not today.
- Oh.

Well, maybe next time.

Yeah, yeah. Next time.

Well, this is a record.

You haven't criticized
my driving

since we left
the parking lot.

Rose?

You okay?

Ernie Wasserman
is 92 years old.

No wife, no family.

Worked 60 years
as one of the best deli men in the city.

Fought in the war.

Volunteer fireman.

A real mensch.

When he goes...

except for a few photos...

there won't be anything
that shows he ever existed.

It's got to be that way
for a lot of people, you know?

I hope I'm remembered
when I'm gone.

Of course you'll be remembered.

You'll be remembered
by your famous pickles.

But when I'm gone,
they'll be gone.

Well, I mean...

maybe it's time
you passed it down to somebody.

Maybe I should, Jo Jo...

To you.

You... you just passed
my house.

Sorry about that.
Uh, you were saying something?

About what?

About your recipe.

You were saying that maybe it's time to
pass it down to somebody.

And uh...

Oh.

Nah, changed my mind.

What? Unbelievable.

Getting out of this
is not easy, is all I got to say.

- Maybe we can pick up this conver...
- Thank you for a wonderful ride.

- So you're not gonna give me the recipe.
- Good night.

Good night,
good night, good night.

Go down, and go up,
go down, and go up!

Passes my house.

- What?
- Joey.

It's me.

Morty, I had it, man.

I had it in my hands.

Yeah, and?

She changed her mind.

Alright, listen, kid.

I'm not gonna give you
the 20 grand

for the recipe anymore.

Wha... why not?

Morty, I said
I almost had it.

I will get it.

I'm not gonna
give you the 20 grand,

because Bernie
just signed a deal

with a major pickle company

and now I'm gonna
give you 40 grand.

F... forty grand?

Like 40 grand?

You're serious?
You're not lying to me?

No, no. I'm serious.

Um, hold on. I'll...
I'll put Bernie on the phone.

Here, this is Joey.

Just tell him
I'm not lying, okay?

Joey, he's not lying.

You see?

Alright, huh?

So, listen.
Oh, there's one catch.

He needs it in a week.

- A week.
- Yeah, well, you know.

Julie's party is in ten days,

and you gotta
get the dough, right?

No, I-I know, I know.
I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna do this.

Hey, you're an entertainer.

Improvise.

Everybody, say, "Improvise."

Morty, put down
the damn phone!

Sorry. Listen, I gotta go.

Deal me in.

Hi, everybody! How are ya?

You all having a great time?

Well, I'm Ted O'Leary,

and you're here
at Improv Tuesdays.

Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Great. Okay.

Uh, could I get a quick suggestion from
the audience, please?

Yeah, go screw yourself.

Okay, uh...

I think I heard
Las Vegas tiger trainer.

- ManNo, you didn't.
- We heard that one before!

- You suck!
- Tiger trainer.

Thank you.

Okay.

Las Vegas tiger trainer.

You stay away,
you nasty cat!

Meow somewhere else.

Meow!

Ow, meow!

Me-ow!

That's over you head, sir.
I'm sorry about that.

Uh, alright.

Uh, we're gonna move it along
here with your next act.

I'd like to thank you
so much for coming out,

and we're gonna be right back,
and if you wanna see me, I'll...

I'll be over at the bar trying to figure
out a reason to keep on living.

- Thank you so much.
- Go kill yourself!

Alright, what do
you think, buddy?

- The act's coming along, huh?
- Uh...

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Your act is, uh, strong.

Thanks, man. Baby steps.

Hey, listen. I need
to get in touch with a buddy of yours.

Remember that guy
who can analyze things?

- Eddie? My drug dealer?
- Easy.

Yeah, okay. Capisce.
What do you need analyzed?

- Pickles?
- I know they're pickles.

I need to know
all the ingredients.

They're my Grandma Rose's
kosher dills.

Are you serious?

Those pickles got me
through rehab the first time.

Huh.

Well, why do you want 'em analyzed?

It's a long story.

- I'll tell you on the way over.
- Okay, yeah.

No, Eddie owes me a favor.

I broke into his car for him.

At least, I'm, you know,
hoping it was his car.

I don't know.
I could have been an accessory to something.

Right. So what do you mean?
Like you picked a lock?

Yeah, I got
a dark side, man.

I could have gone down
a whole other path.

You know, Jack the Ripper,
but affable.

Ted, somebody puked
in the men's crapper.

Is it booze-puke
or food-puke?

Looks like a little bit of everything.

Oh, man.

What? What, are you
the janitor now, too?

Things we do
for money, Joey.

Thanks.

So, Eddie, what do you think, man?

Yo, now I seen everything.

It's a pickle, right?

Yeah, it's a pickle.

But it's a kosher dill pickle.
A very special one.

Damn, man.

I should be slinging
these on the corner.

Exactly.

But can you analyze
the ingredients?

We're not sure what's in there.

Some secret...
maybe cumin. Paprika?

We have a gentleman's bet.

For sure, man. Yo, look.

Anything can be analyzed.

I gotta charge you guys
the same price

I charge my usual
customers though.

- Yeah, fair.
- It's five hundo.

$500?

Yeah, what's up, man?
You think I'm ripping you off?

Now, how'd you like it I get my
wolverine, Satan, to rip your damn face off.

Five hundred is...
so fair.

Thank you.

No problem.
Just pay him, Joey.

Just pay him.

I only brought
$200 right now.

Two now,
three when I'm done.

It's all good.
That's a friend rate.

Dude, and we thank you
for that, friend.

Yes, thank you, friend.

And I'm sorry
that I disrespected you.

Yeah, come on, man.

Dealers got feelings too.

Of course you do, man.
You got a huge heart.

I always tell people that.

Yeah, well, I just hope this guy doesn't
take all my money.

Oh, come on, man.

Eddie's the most
honest dealer in town.

He's like, you know,
involved in the community.

If he says you're gonna get it quick,
you're gonna get it quick.

Oh, now what?

What's this?

You should start thinking
about a Plan B.

- You're four minutes late.
- Sorry.

Alright, let's go. Quick.

- Sorry.
- I know, I know.

Alright. Here it is.

What do you think?
Can you open it?

Yeah. Can I just break it?

- No.
- Sure.

You can't break it.
She can't know anyone was here.

That's the point.
I'm giving you $1,000

- so you can pick it.
- Okay. Exactly.

So can you open it?

Without breaking it?
Yeah, yeah, sure.

Well, how long will it take?

Eh...

hour, give or take.
I don't know.

It's a gold lock.
I haven't seen that, but it should just...

- Ted.
- Yeah.

Dude, I have to be
at work in ten minutes.

Dude, get out of here.
Get out of here.

Go give people food.
Make 'em happy.

- Seriously, go.
- Leave you here alone?

No, I got it. It's fine.

I'll lock up.
Everything's good.

- Do what do you.
- Alright.

But you take
the recipe card out,

you take a picture
of it on your phone,

you put the card
right back where it was.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Where you found it.

And then do not forget
to put the key under the mat.

Key under the mat,
take a picture.

Don't share it
on social media. Got it.

- Got it?
- Got it. Yeah.

Done. Dude, get out of here.
Get out of here.

Hey, does she have any, like, old lady
candy or pictures of you as a kid?

Ted.

Hey, sorry.

- Don't disturb anything, please. Just...
- I won't disturb anything, man.

Alright, great. So that's
a coffee and bacon and eggs, right?

- Hey, man.
- Hey, you're late.

Yeah, I know.
Don't tell Rose.

Relax, man.
She ain't even here.

Oh. Where is she?

Hana took her home
to get something.

Cool.

You've gotta be shitting me.

What's up with this old lady?

Greatest generation, my ass.

Joey, what's up?

Abort, abort.
She is coming home.

But I almost...

Ted, listen to me.
Get outta there now!

Well, I still don't know why

we don't use the garlic
from the grocery store.

'Cause it's garlic
from a grocery store.

I use my own garlic
or none at all.

And those shopping carts,

it's like pushing
a big car up a hill.

- I...
- Freeze.

This is a stick-up!

You mean us, right?

Put your hands up.

And hand me
the recipe box now.

How can I hand you
the recipe box

if my hands are up?

Okay, good point.

Um, one of you
put your hands up,

and the other hand me
the recipe box,

and no one's gonna die today.

You can't have
this recipe box,

because...

those are my mother's
recipes from Poland.

I don't care what city
your little recipe's from, lady.

You hand me
the recipe box now,

and maybe no one gets hurt.

Except you!

Rose! Oh my gosh!

Oh!

My door!

My door! You ruined my door!

And also my pantyhose.

Neither one of us got a good look at him,

but I whacked him good.

He won't forget that
for a while.

So, was anything taken?

Nothing.
We made sure of that.

What he after?

My recipe box.

It's worth
its weight in gold.

He'd already opened
the first box,

but we stopped him...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...before he got to the second box.

You have a recipe box
inside a recipe box?

Rose, if people are breaking
into your house for it,

but you need to get it
out of there.

Maybe you should check out
a safety deposit box.

Ha! Me trust a bank?

Forget it.

They're always
getting robbed

or robbing their own customers.

I'm gonna trust them
with my recipes?

No way.

So, who can you trust, Rose?

I trust everyone here
with my life...

but not my recipes.

I'm no snitch.

I do not snitch.

I'm family.

That hasn't
worked out so well, believe me.

I mean, if there was only...

Wait.

- My rabbi.
- A rabbi is good.

Yeah.

Rabbi Kaplan.

The most honest man
I've ever known.

There you go.

- Problem solved.
- Yeah.

If only he weren't dead.

If only there was
someone else that I could trust.

I... I don't know.

Weren't you in
Fiddler on the Roof?

Yeah, Tevye.

It's pretty much
my favorite role.

Tradition.

Thought so.

Now, this is
a Jewish bread

that's pronounced challah.

- Holla.
- Close, but it's more like

you have something caught
in the back of your throat.

Challah.

Challah!

Challah.

Challah.

Why... why are
you guys chosen?

Challah.

Do you actually
have something

caught in the back
of your throat?

- I do.
- Okay, well, clear it out.

And we'll start... okay.

Alright. I have an
assortment of yarmulkes.

And you will
definitely need one.

Very important,
they go on the back of the head.

Don't want that one?
Fair enough.

Football spot, huh?

- Yeah.
- Hey, hike!

I'll get it.

This is a dreidel.

Okay? It's a kids' game.

- So it's like gambling?
- No.

Just a kids' game.

You wanna put a little juice on that? Get
it interesting, bud?

Come on!

I can't afford this.

- One more.
- Alright. Let's do it.

Come on Gimel.
Come on Gimel. Come on Gimel.

- Come on.
- Gimel, Gimel, Gimel!

Gimel again!

This is a Kiddush cup,

and you drink wine from it.

But before you drink it,
you say a prayer.

- Good God.
- Amen.

Okay, these are shabbat candles.

And they are the
most sacred part...

Happy birthday, Joey.

It's not my birthday.

Just make a wish.

Okay, I feel honored
to be chosen.

Is it Thai food?

- Morty.
- Joey, what the hell?

- Do you got it?
- We're close.

We're really close.

Um, I'd invite you in,
but I'm kinda with someone right now.

Who is it, Joey?

Oh, I get it. You're...
you're indisposed.

- Sure.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll make it quick.

When... when's Mom
gonna give it to you?

Well, she's not actually
gonna give it to me.

She's gonna
give it to a rabbi.

- A rabbi?
- Yeah.

That is brilliant.

Wait. Which... which rabbi?

Ma's rabbi died.

Rabbi Ted.

Joey!

I'm waiting.

And... and can you
trust this Rabbi Ted?

Pfft! Yeah!
Yeah, he's a rabbi.

Well, like I said, I'd invite you
in, but, uh...

- you know.
- I know.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Call you tomorrow.
- Yeah.

Rabbi Ted.

Okay, we have gone
over a lot tonight, granted,

but you gotta
know your stuff. Are you ready?

It's rabbi time.

I'm getting in the mood, buddy.

Hold on.

Hi, sweetie. What's up?

Dad, we need to talk.

What's that dorky music?

Oh, that's nothing.

Uh, just checking out
what music not to play at your party.

Okay, but that's
why I'm calling.

Paris is downstairs.

Paris is there?

Well, tell him I said hi.

But what is he doing here?

Is something wrong?

No, no. Sweetie, listen.

Your mother doesn't think
I'll be able to do your party,

but I am doing it.

You promise?

- Honey, I promise.
- Good.

Okay, I'll fake a stomachache.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay, Dad.

- Love you.
- I love you too, sweetie.

Don't mess this up.

Did you drink...

You drank both our slurpees?

Okay, I didn't do it.
Rabbi Ted did.

- Joey.
- Okay, okay.

Grandma, we're here.

Oh, my my!

Welcome, welcome.

Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, Rose,
this is Rabbi Ted.

- Shalom.
- Shalom.

- Ted O'Leary.
- O'Leary?

O'Leary-witz.

Man.

Brain gets jumbled.

O'Leary-witz. What...

What country
are your family from?

Orth... Orthodox Irish.

Beautiful country.

Oh, you betcha.

Not too crazy about the corned beef.

Anyway, everything's ready
for a wonderful Shabbat.

Oh, you know, every year

I look forward to
the holiday of Shabbat.

- Every Friday.
- Every Friday of every year.

I just treasure it,

but it's... cyclical.

Rabbi...

would you like to recite
the Kiddush tonight?

Uh, actually,
I think I'll do it.

Joey, don't be rude.

I would be honored
to recite the "Koddush,"

because we're Jewish
and that's what we do.

Because we're Jewish.

Chosen.

You meant Kiddush.

Sometimes I get the wee bit
of the Irish in me.

Kiddush, Koddush.
Let's work the whole thing out.

Oh, well.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go check on the soup.

Dude, don't oversell it.

Calm down.

Just relax.

Rabbi, I'm sorry your wife can't be
with you tonight.

Mrs. Glickman,
I don't have a wife.

You know rabbis
can't get married.

You know?

What does that mean?

That, uh, in the Torah

it teaches us of women
with the deal and the...

What Rabbi Ted means

is that he's been
so busy with his studies,

he hasn't had time
to find a wife and have children

as rabbis are all
encouraged to do.

You know, it's not like there hasn't been
a lot of ladies lining up

to be the next Rabbi Mrs. Ted
though, you know?

With these looks.

Ladies? What kind of ladies?

Ah, the working kind.

Ah, working.

- What kind of work do they do?
- Just workin'.

Workin' ladies. Working...
working on having a family.

Those kind of ladies.

Smells good!

You know it is good,
and dinner's ready!

So everybody, come. Sit.

Good. Let's eat.

I could eat a horse.

If it didn't have
a cloven hoof.

Rabbi...

the blessing for the wine.

Ah, you know what?
Don't even worry about it.

I mean, it's already
getting a little late,

so why don't we
skip it for once?

- Good idea.
- Yeah.

I never skipped
a Kiddush in my life,

and I'm not about
to start now.

Rabbi?

Okay, let's all close our eyes.

Tight.

You need... you need
some water, Rabbi?

Oh, no, just getting warmed up.

Baruch atah,

Adonai Eloheinu,

Melech Haolam,

borei p'ri hagafen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen.

Let's eat some chicken!

Cheers!

Drink. It'll make
you feel better.

Well, that was
some awesome grub.

More wine?

No, no, no. I shouldn't.

Come on, you're not driving.

Oh, but I may be having
too much fun.

- Ah, no such thing!
- Here you are.

- Oh.
- Oh, thank you.

Ah, Rose.
You know, I can't blame you

protecting your pickle recipe
as long as you have.

I mean, there are a lot of unscrupulous
characters out there.

But your secret
is safe with me.

I... I don't know.

No disrespect, rabbi,
but I just met you.

Come on, bubbe.
He's a rabbi.

Irish Orthodox.

I... I know. And believe me,
I take no pleasure

in guarding my recipes
like a watchdog.

My pickles.

They have made
a lot of people happy.

And a few people,
uh... miserable.

Um...

Well, even the best things
in life aren't perfect,

and yeah, you can't have
the good without the bad,

and the good never lasts
as long as you want it to.

So I can certainly understand
you wanting

to protect your pickle
for as long as you have.

That is so true, rabbi.

Ah, Joey.
The rabbi understands.

He does?

I do.

I mean, yeah, he does.

Of course.

'Cause he's a great rabbi.

In fact, rabbi?

Why don't you
enlighten us some more?

Rose, I could tell you what you want to
hear, but I might be lying to you.

I mean, our God can be
very cruel sometimes.

I mean, look at
the New Testament.

A rabbi studies
the New Testament?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
I think it's essential

that we study
all three Testaments.

It's like there this time
where God sends these bears

to maul 42 kids
cause they made fun of the prophet Elisha.

I mean, that ain't
pretty sick, right?

- Imagine that.
- Elisha?

Mm-hmm. Blood everywhere.

Okay! Let's call it
a night.

Don't be ridiculous.

I have fresh coffee...

and pound cake.

Ah, Rose?
Would you twist my arm.

Ah! Bop.

Oh, rabbi, I'm so sorry.

- Oh God, no, Don't worry.
- That... that's gonna stain.

Whoa, that's cold.

Rose, please don't worry.
Where's your bathroom?

Uh, through the kitchen
to the left.

- Oh, yeah. Don't worry.
- Give me your pants. I'll take 'em to Mr. Schwartz.

That man does wonders
with a stain.

I like him.

- You do?
- Yes, I do.

He's not all polished
and arrogant.

I like that
in a young rabbi.

Yeah.

I'm gonna trust him...

with my recipes.

Great.

Good.

I mean...

I think that's smart.
If you're comfortable with it, of course.

I think I still have a pair
of Irv's pants in the closet.

What size is the rabbi?

Flabby. He's flabby-ish.

Anything that'll fit
a sasquatch essentially.

Bully.

Rabbi?

Yeah, Rose?

I'm leaving a pair
of pants by the door.

Okay!

That penis.

It's not the penis
of a rabbi.

- Gotta go, Joe.
- That is not the penis of a... oh.

Bubbe?

Bubbe!

- Woman on P.A.: Dr. Allcome, party in Four-East.
- Morty?

Dr. Allcome,
party in Four-East.

Morty, I...

Grandma, Grandma,
it's me, Joey.

Okay, and Hana.

And Young Ho and Andre.

What is all this?

Well, don't you remember?
You fainted.

The last thing
I remember is...

seeing a penis...

that was not the penis
of a rabbi.

Rabbi's have, uh,
special penises.

Rose, do you want us
to call Morty for you?

No, what? Why would I
want you to call Morty?

Because you were calling
his name before you came to.

I most certainly was not.

Then it must be
the drugs talking.

Why... are you all here?

Fussing over me?
Who's at the deli?

It closed.

It's 7:15 in the morning,

and the deli is closed?

Andre, get me in my coat.

- Rose, you gotta chill.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chill, nothing.

I'm out of here.

Hi, how we feeling today?

Pissed.

Well, why don't you
put some food

in your stomach, hmm?

Get me a pastrami sandwich,

and maybe I will.

- I'll be back.
- Mm-kay.

Okay, Hana.

Pencil, paper.
We got to make a grocery list.

I got pickles to make.

Alrighty. What do we need?

Uh...

Dude, how is she?

She be okay?

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.

Man, I'm so sorry.

I mean, I really
like your Grammy.

She is okay.
She just bumped her head.

So, you're really
not circumcised?

Yeah, I didn't think it was
gonna be a problem, you know.

Packing a full lunch.

Got it.
Did you get the recipe box?

- Yeah, I got the recipe box.
- You got it?

- I got it.
- You did! Ah!

- And you got the lock off?
- Yeah, I got the lock off.

This is great, dude.
We scored.

Joe! Joey!
Where is she? Is she alright?

She... she's not
gonna die, is she?

She's fine, Morty.
She's fine.

You're sure?
You're really sure?

I'm positive.
Here, I'll take you to her.

- You can see for yourself.
- No, no, no. You don't have to do that.

It's fine. If you say
she's fine, then, you know, she's fine.

Who are you?

Oh, this is Ted.

Oh, Ted! The rabbi.

Hi, I'm Morty.

- Hi, Morty, good to meet you.
- Yeah.

Not actually a rabbi.

But he did get her recipe box.

- Huh?
- Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- Oh, congratulations, Joey.
- Yeah!

- I knew you'd do it!
- Well...

Oh! Brilliant, Ted.
Brilliant!

Are you kidding?

You two are clowns,
and I'm done.

You can keep
the money. I'm out.

What are you talk...
Ted, what's wrong?

I know, I'm a nebish shmendrik
pushing around a mop,

and schleps all day
and cleans up puke for a living.

But this farfallen
scheme of yours

has caused nothing,
but tsuris.

And if you don't stop,

then you two are gonna
be bigger schmucks

than the schmuck that caused
your bubbe to plotz.

Whoa.

Really ran with
that rabbi thing.

- Huh.
- Huh.

Okay, let me see.

Here we go.

- What the hell is this?
- What?

"

Make sure you get
a good jar"?

- What, that's it?
- Yeah.

I don't understand.

Kid...

you may be my nephew,

but if you double-cross me
and Bernie Babcock,

he's gonna lock you
in the trunk,

and throw you
in the friggin' river.

Morty, I'm not.

Okay, I swear I just got it.

You're gonna go
in that room,

and you're gonna get
that damn pickle recipe.

- How?
- I don't care.

Threaten her, drug her,

waterboard the old witch.

Water...

She's your mother, Morty.

Well, maybe that was
a little extreme.

Woman on P.A.:
Will the owner of a 1972 brown Capris

please move your vehicle
or else it will be towed.

That's mine. I gotta go.
That's me.

Woman on P.A.:
Dr. Woods, call 399.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Amnesia?

Selective short-term amnesia.

I've gone meshugga.

- Meshugga?
- It means I've lost my mind.

Okay, but wait, Grandma,
are you telling me

you can't remember
a single recipe?

Well, that's okay.
That's what the recipe box is for, right?

No, not right.

I have so many recipes,
half of them I never write down...

like... my pickles.

Oh. This is terrible.

- Man, without Rose's pickles...
- We screwed.

Doctor, tell us.
Is there any hope?

Well, in selective amnesia,

with professional help,
much of the time

the patient's memory
does return.

Eventually.

Yeah, we don't have time
for eventually.

Grandma, get dressed.
We're going.

- Thank God.
- No, wait, Miss Glickman!

Out of my way.

Okay.

Dr.
Alright, Mrs. Glickman.

Just close your eyes
and relax.

Just breathe calmly.

Concentrate on the sound
of my voice.

Now when I count
back from ten,

- I want...
- You sound congested.

Pardon?

You told me to listen
to the sound of your voice.

You sound congested?
You got a cold?

No, I'm fine.

Now, when I count
back from ten...

You're not gonna make me
think I'm a chicken, are you?

What?

I saw this hypnotist
in Las Vegas once.

He made this man
think he was a chicken.

No, Mrs. Glickman.

No chickens.

If I walk out
of here clucking...

- I'll sue.
- No one's gonna make you cluck.

Grandma, let the man work.

- Alright, alright, alright.
- Please, Mr. Miller.

This actually won't work
if everyone is speaking.

Rose, I want you to pretend
you're floating in a warm pool.

What pool?

Any pool.

Inside or outside?

- Whichever.
- I don't like an outside pool!

I always get burned,
and then there's the bugs...

I don't think it matters
if the pool is indoors or outdoors.

- I don't think it really...
- Are kids swimming in this pool?

If you'd like.

Well if there are, I'm a little concerned
about all that warm water.

This one used to
pee in the pool.

Like a frightened puppy,
he'd pee.

So sweet and soft
right in the pool.

My little darling with his pee.

Oh, God.

Wow.

That guy was creepy.

Yeah, well, at least
you're not clucking.

You know what, why don't I go get the car
and you wait here?

- Okay, but you hurry, yeah?
- Yeah.

- I'll be right back.
- Oh, what a good boy.

What are you doing?

What... what are you
doing at my shrink?

He can't see her
if he's seeing me.

Okay, listen. We have
a tiny bit of a problem.

It seems that Grandma Rose
has forgotten something.

What?

The pickle recipe.

What? Oh my God!

- No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
- Oh my God!

It's okay, it's okay.
It's under control.

This is a disaster.

Okay, this is disaster city.

I mean, what are we...
what are we gonna do now?

Don't worry about it.
The doctor said the memory will come back.

Can't believe she forgot
the pickle recipe,

but she remembers me
taking a pee in the pool.

Anyway, I will
call you tomorrow.

- Alright?
- What? Wait a minute.

- I'm feeling nauseous.
- It's okay, it's okay.

I'm actually nauseated
right now.

- I'm feeling very nauseous.
- I gotta go!

And you ruined my appointment!

I can't hear you now!

- I'm in the van!
- I said you ruined my...

I glad Rose not here
to see this.

Oy.

Spirit World, awaken.

We are reaching out
to the other side

to speak
with Irv Glickman

and learn the secrets
he may have taken with him

to the grave.

Irv...

are you with us?

I think she's having a seizure.

She's not having a seizure.

Darling?

Are you diabetic?
You need a cookie?

Rose? Is that you?

Irving?

I come all this way,
you couldn't bother to wear

the sexy black number
I bought you.

With a beautiful
butterfly brooch you wore to our 50th.

Oh my God,
it really is Irving.

Only he would know that.

It's really... oh my.

Rosie, every minute
with you was like a gift.

- Who's this?
- This is Jo Jo.

Oh! Jo Jo?

I didn't recognize you!

Well, hi, Gramps.

So, Rosie, how's business?

Darling, we got a problem.

I need the pickle recipe.

- Who's got a pen?
- I got one.

And some paper. Boom.

"Get a good jar"?

That's it?

I...

We cooked side
by side for 50 years.

How could you not know
the pickle recipe?

That's all you ever told me.

I... I know all
your other recipes.

Oh, your brisket is
a smash hit up here.

So is your matzo ball soup!

Grandma, you didn't even
tell your own husband the pickle recipe?

Maybe I was a little
too protective.

So...

you still got that splotch
on your tuchus?

Great news on the weather,

but here's some unfortunate
news for foodies out there

from Sherry Margolis.

I'm outside of Irv's Deli.

A Detroit institution
for more than 50 years.

Where generations
of Detroiters have been lining up

for Rose Glickman's
famous award-winning kosher dill pickles.

But for the last 36 hours,

the barrel has run dry.

Tell me, how do you feel
about what happened here?

I am absolutely devastated.

I mean, I have
Rose's pickles

three times a week
with my lunches...

- Hello? Really?
- It is devastating.

Okay, great. I'll...
I'll be right there.

We all hope they come back.

Let's hope they do.

Finally. You got it?

You got the stuff?

- Yeah, you got my cash?
- Yeah.

But I wanna see
the ingredients first.

Okay, cucumber, alright, peppercorns.

Coriander seeds.

- Mustard seeds.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, man.

It's all there.

Where's my cash, yo?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about the measurements?

- What?
- The measurements, man.

I mean, I got the ingredients,

but without the measurements,
I can't make the pickles.

Bitch, do I look like
Rachel Ray to you?

You better give me
my damn money

before I pop a cap
in your dopey ass.

Alright, alright.

Well, you know what?
I want the rest of the pickles first.

- Your damn pickles.
- Here you go.

Freeze!

Whoa, whoa!
Hands up, crackhead.

- Oh!
- Turn around, now!

- Don't move.
- Okay, crackhead.

- Turn around.
- Turn around!

- Okay.
- Keep your hands up.

Don't move!

- What is this?
- It's a pickle.

- Pickle?
- Just a pickle.

Pickle, yeah? Laced with what?

Nothing!

It's not laced with anything.

What do you taste?

Dill with a smidge
of coriander.

- Pretty good.
- So if that was drugs, you'd taste it?

I cannot believe the shit
people get high on these days.

First bath salts,
now pickles.

- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

This isn't your bag?
Why is there marijuana seeds in my bag?

- T-that I don't know.
- You know what I know?

- You're going to jail.
- No, I'm not.

- Oh, yes you are.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
Or maybe going downtown for a while.

I don't want to go to jail.
I don't want to go.

- Hey! No!
- Come back here!

- Stop running!
- I got the pickle!

- You better stop!
- I have a bat mitzvah to do!

Sweet freedom.

Thanks for bailing
me out, Morty.

Hey, one thing I learned.
You never run from the cops, you know?

Ah. Bet it had something
to do with that fire.

Just a little one.

Right. Anyway, I got
to head back to the deli.

- I got the ingredients.
- You do?

Fantastic. Then we're done.

We should celebrate, right?

No, no, no.
Not yet. Not quite.

Oh, I see. So the truth is,
you still don't have it.

Which means that you
still don't have it, right?

Just chill out, alright?

I have a plan.

Here. Burn that.

It's my discharge form.

Okay, everyone.

I knew it would be a long shot,

but I contacted a friend,

a renowned and
well-respected chemist,

Eddie,

and he graciously sacrificed
one of Grandma's last pickles

and he was able
to analyze the contents.

So, we saved!

However, we still don't have
the correct measurements.

So, we screwed.

Not at all.

You see, Thomas Edison
once said...

- Anti-semite.
- Grandma, please.

Now Tesla, he was
a very good guy.

I mean, I never met him
personally, understand,

but he had a very
nice reputation.

Anyway, Thomas Edison
once said,

he never failed
in his attempts to make a light bulb.

He only discovered
10,000 ways not to make one.

Schmuck.

And let's keep that in mind

because none of us
are going home

until we discover the right
combination of ingredients.

Are ya with me?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Are you saying
we gotta make 10,000 recipes?

No, no. Not exactly 10,000,
that's just a metaphor.

- Where am I gonna get 10,000 pickle jars?
- We don't need 10,000.

And I don't have room
for 10,000 pickle jars.

Forget 10,000, okay?

How about 100?
Let's start with 100.

A hundred's good.

But what if we don't find it?

Well, then
we make 100 more.

Well, what if we
still don't find it? Then, what do we do?

Then we make 100 more.

And 100 more.
And 100 more. And 100 more.

Look, we have
to start somewhere.

Right!

Let's start.

Now what?

We begin.

Tweet tweet

That's the last one.

Now we let them
ferment for 75 hours.

Young Ho?

75 hours start...

now.

You know what, Grandma?

I think it's in there.

Woman
Not too bad out there.

Only one problem area
to let you know about.

And this is on I-696...

...on the west-bound side of Dequindre Road.

- Hello?
- Joey?

- Are they done yet?
- No.

Morty, we just
started, alright? You gotta wait.

Is there anything we can do
to make 'em go faster?

No, they're pickles.

You can't
rush them, alright?

Because you know, maybe...

We could microwave 'em
or something.

Well, just relax.

Ferment for a bit.

This is just so agonizing.

I feel so helpless.

Love to put him
in a jar for 72 hours.

Punch a hole in the lid.

Joey, it's Fran.

I don't know what kind of tricks
you have up your sleeve,

but the party is Sunday.

I have Paris ready to go,

so if I don't hear from you,
then he's on.

And if by some miracle
you pull this off,

you owe me $2,000...

Hi, Dad, it's me.

Sorry I haven't
called you back.

I'm going crazy getting
ready for the bat mitzvah.

I can't believe
it's this weekend.

I'm so excited.

I know Mom says
mean stuff about you,

but ignore it. I do.

Okay? I love you.

I love you, too.

It time.

Friends...

this is a very
important moment.

The future of Irv's Deli
may depend on the outcome.

- If we don't...
- Let's just do this.

No!

You got to be kidding.

Oh, Rose. So sorry.

No.

Next!

Not bad.

Not good.

Where's the dill? No dill?

Too much dill.

Too much...
of everything.

Crunches.

Stinks.

The champion bad pickle.

Look at it. Look it,
look it, look it.

Now this...

is the worst pickle
I ever ate.

A travesty!

Oh, good God.

No.

Yuck.

No!

Oh my God.

You're doing good.

I need...

a pastrami sandwich.

- Lean.
- What?

How can you be hungry?

- Just get me the sandwich, okay?
- Okay.

- What?
- You're gonna fill up on bread?

We got more pickles to eat.

Watch it.

I'm a professional.

Oh, good. Good, good,
good, good, good.

No.

What was that?

We never find recipe.

Stupid idea.

So what are you saying?
We should just give up?

Maybe we should
become Chinese buffet.

That is a terrible idea.

I know Chinese buffet.

Deli food too complicated.

Young, how dare you.

This is my life here.

I can't believe
you're being such a wussy.

I'm not wussy.

You wussy!

So you calling
me a wussy, wussy?

I don't know.

Thought it might raise
our spirits a bit.

Hana!

Uh...

Yeah!

Andre!

Young Ho, come on!

Chair

That's good. Good for you.

That was great, yeah.

You should be happy about it.

Come on, everybody.

Yeah!

One more time, everybody.

Woo!

Alright.

Get me another pickle jar.

Alright!

These are the last two jars.

So, if it's not in
one of these...

we gotta start all over.

Give me a pinch of salt.

Rose, what is it?
Say something.

Taste this.

Yeah, everybody
we're back in business!

Everything all right?

Fine. Yeah, yeah.
It's nothing.

Joey.

You keep this.

I got it back.

All up here.

Temperatures in the 80s.

The weekend ahead
looks fantastic.

There's also great news
for all you pickle lovers.

Sounds like Rose's famous
kosher dill's are back.

Nobody knows the reason
for the pickle shortage,

but I can tell you
nothing goes better

with a corn beef sandwich
from Irv's Deli.

In fact, I might just
go there after work.

Hi, this is Joey Miller,

and I definitely wanna
talk to you, so...

Just up here?

Yeah. Up here's fine.

Thank you for
driving me home.

I'm way too tired to drive.

Me, too. I'm fried.

Joey.

Joey!

Are you in there?

Do you...

do you wanna come up?

Uh, I would to, yeah.

Joey, I know you got it,
and it's great!

It's just great!

But... I mean,
I'm just so wiped out.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Totally. So wiped out.

Joey.

Wait. Hold on a second.

It's okay, it's okay.
I don't have to stay. I can go home.

So you're telling me
there's no way

you can tell where
someone's cell phone is?

Can't you triangulate
their location?

This is very, very important.

This is...
this is a matter of life and death.

No, don't tell me
that it's not.

Hello?

Let me talk to your supervisor.

Jealous girlfriend?

No.

Even worse.

Hey, you know what?
It's late. We should get going.

Mmm, okay.

Yeah.

I'll go make us some coffee.

No no no. You stay here.
I'll make the coffee.

Okay.

I'll bring you
breakfast in couch.

Where do you keep your coffee?

In the cupboard on the left.

You know, Joey...

do you realize
what you've done?

Oh, what did I do?

When you first
came to the deli,

no one knew what to think.

I mean, you actually
seemed like a jerk.

We didn't know
what you were up to,

all of a sudden
just showing up

into your
grandma's life like that.

But you showed me something,

me and everybody else.

You know what you are, Joey?

What?

A mensch.

A real mensch.

You proved to everyone
that you really care.

Especially Rose. I mean,
she's crazy about you.

And...

I'm kinda crazy about you, too.

Well, that's my specialty,

making people crazy.

But you know,
since we work together,

we probably shouldn't
do this again.

Really?

Yeah. I'll see you later then.

Julie. Hey, Julie!

- Hey, Dad.
- Oh.

Mmm.

- You are so beautiful.
- Thanks.

I'm kinda nervous.

Aw, no.
You're gonna nail it.

Okay, come on, Julie.
We have to get ready.

Aw, Julie.

Want to hear
something amazing?

Your father saved the deli.

Am I right, Hana?

Yes, it's true.

We were really in trouble,
but then your dad came through.

He's a pretty special guy.

I know. He rocks.

Wait until you see him
at the party.

Okay, honey. We gotta go.
Let's get ready.

You rock.

You rock.

Psst! Joey!

- Joey!
- What now?

Come here.

- Morty, what the hell?
- Now, look.

I have tried paying you.

I've tried paying you double.

I've tried threatening you,

hounding you, begging you,

and I am out of options.

Okay?

So, look, I have decided
until you give me what I want,

I am gonna tase
the shit outta you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Morty.

- Damn it!
- Jesus.

Tell me where the recipe is.

Do you have
the goddamn recipe?

You got the cash?

Yeah, it's in my car.

Yeah, I got it.

- I knew you'd get it, kid.
- Okay.

- Alright. Okay.
- I knew it!

I knew you'd come through.

I knew it.

Okay, this is Julie's
bat mitzvah,

so if you don't mind,
can I give it to you afterwards?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

- Right. Got it.
- Okay, good.

- Yes.
- Thank you. Okay, pick up the taser.

I-I will. I will.

Mazel tov!

So what does becoming a bat mitzvah mean?

Well the term bat mitzvah
literally means "daughter of commandment."

So as I reach
this age of 13,

I am, according
to being Jewish,

now recognized as an adult.

And that's pretty heavy.

I mean, I'm only 4'5".

So at this time,

I'd like to thank my beautiful
great-grandmother Rose,

my amazing mom, Fran...

Harris,

and my incredible dad,

the one-man party machine,
Joey Miller.

Sorry, a little plug
never hurts.

They have always taught me
how to make good choices...

to do the right thing,

and to be true
to yourself.

You guys, I love you
all so very much.

I am so proud of her.

Now it's the time
in the service...

to invite Julie's parents to say a few
words about their wonderful daughter.

Mom, would you
like to start?

Yes, thank you.

Julie...

we are so proud of you.

You did a terrific job...

and we love you very much.

That's right.

Julie...

now, I may
be your stepfather,

but I want you
to know something.

You will always be our little princess.

Pound it. Boom.
Blow it up.

You too, big guy.

Boom. That's right.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Julie, you were
phenomenal up here,

and you look incredible,

and I am just so lucky
to be your dad.

Rabbi, can I take a minute?

- Uh, sure.
- Aren't you done?

No. No, in fact,
I think I'm just getting started.

Hello, everyone.

Nice to see all the families
gathered here today

for Julie's totally
awesome bat mitzvah.

Bat mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs.

I've done hundreds of them.

I've entertained families like
the Cohns and the Finkels.

And I got to be part
of their memories.

But you know, I don't think I fully
appreciated how great that actually is.

You know, how great it is
to be part of a family.

Joey, a simple,
"I'm proud of you, Julie," would suffice.

For the love of Jesus...
oop, sorry.

- You know...
- Stop.

...I've been working at
Irv's Deli the past few weeks,

and I got to spend some special time with
my wonderful grandma, Rose.

I got to learn about
her famous pickles.

You know, when you ferment one,
a cucumber sits in a jar.

And then
all the ingredients permeate it,

and over time turn it
into something wonderful.

Not unlike how the people in our lives
make us into who we are.

And sometimes
you get sweet ones.

Aww.

Sometimes, they're sour.

Or weird.

What I am saying is,
our family and our friends

are the ingredients
that give our lives meaning and flavor.

And, Julie, I'm
just so thankful

I got to be
an ingredient in yours.

Just one more thing.

The only reason I started
working at Irv's Deli

was so that I could steal
Grandma Rose's pickle recipe.

What?

Yeah, in fact,
this is the only written copy right here.

But... what? Joey, why?

To sell it.

I was gonna sell your recipe.

I was desperate.
I was willing to do almost anything to make money,

so I could buy new equipment
to emcee Julie's party,

and, Julie, I am sorry,

but Paris will do a great job.

- Paris is good.
- Easy, pal.

He's not bad.

So where were you
gonna get this money?

Doesn't matter.

Joey!

What are you doing? No!

Morty.

Wait! No!

Joey, stop!

- Morty.
- Stop. We had a deal.

I... I should have known!

Okay, but hold on, okay.
I had a role in this too, so.

So what was this deal
of yours, Morty?

Another crazy scheme?

Just wait.
Hold on a second.

I got this, okay?

Look, Morty,
out of the goodness of his heart

was gonna get me the money
for the new equipment.

I mean, he had a deal
set up with Bernie Babcock.

- Bernie Babcock?
- Mm-hmm.

Bernie Babcock is dead.

This true?

Morty, what the hell...
what the hell... What the hell's going on?

Another of his
bullshit schemes, that's what's going on.

Oh, I'm sorry, rabbi.

You want to screw over
your family again?

Just like before?

Wait, wait.
You gotta hear me out.

No, we don't.

Um, excuse me?

It's my bat mitzvah.

I think we should
hear him out.

Thank you, Julie.

I didn't screw
anybody over.

And... and, Joey, I was
gonna pay you... eventually.

And, Ma, it was you
who screwed everyone over.

I mean,
you had two kids,

and all you cared about
were your damn pickles and your damn deli,

every day and every night.

Doreen was your favorite,

and even she complained
about it.

My deli?

Our deli.

You think
that this was easy?

Everyone I loved,
they took away from me in the war.

Everyone.
My mother, my father...

my sister.

I just wanted to make
a life for you.

Both of you.
A... a good life.

Better than mine.
That's what mothers do.

Or did you forget?

So I wasn't perfect.

Who is?

- I'm pretty darn close.
- Shut up.

Alright, look.
The three of us

are gonna work this out
together right now.

Like hell we will.

You're too much of a putz.

Fair enough.
Okay, granted.

You know what,
you are a bit of a putz, Morty.

I mean, what
were you thinking?

I mean, dragging me
into this crazy story

about selling a recipe
to a dead guy?

You know what, Grandma?
You're a bit of a putz, too.

What did you just call me?

Putz.

Look, you...

You have this amazing
pickle recipe, okay?

Amazing... so amazing
I was willing to go through

this whole ordeal
just to try and get it.

But you... you...

you can be so selfish.

I mean, you won't
even let anyone watch you make them.

Nobody's taking
my pickles away from me.

Don't you see?

Okay, if you take
the pickle recipe with you,

then we all lose. Even you.

That's ridiculous nonsense.

Morty, why...
why did you do this, huh?

Okay, look, Ma.

We never talk.

I know you're
ashamed of me.

I know I'm a screw-up.

I know I got nothing.
I got nobody.

- I...
- This...

You're doing great,
you're doing great.

- I... I... I...
- Come on, come on.

I just wanted something
to remember you by.

All this over pickles?

No. Don't you see? It's not...
it's not the pickles, okay.

It's... it's that
they're amazing.

Okay? They're beautiful.

They're like you.

Really?

Really.

Come here.

Oh, no, no.

Not you.

Got it.

You.

Come, come.

Oh.

So...

you wanna be
in the deli business?

I'd love to.

We start at 5:00 a.m.

Hey, Dad?

What's up?

Will you still save me
a dance on Sunday night?

I can't wait.

Hey, busboy.

Nice job.

Thanks, Grandma.

You're fired.

Fair enough.

Now that's what
I call a pickle.

I'd give someone
a million bucks for the recipe.

A million bucks, Morty.

What do you think?

Sorry, ladies.

Family secret.

Look, I know what
you're going through.

Your stomach's in a knot,
your nerves are shot.

You can't believe
you're about to walk through that door.

I'm sorry. Were you
saying something?

Nothing.

Come on, let's do this.

Everyone on your feet!

It is time
to meet and greet

the couple
that can't be beat!

Say hello to Mr.
and Mrs. Joey Miller!

- Shall we?
- Why not?