Original subtitles

Ugh. Ray's mom ordered way too many Jordan almonds.

Well, it's a good thing she did,

becausetheyte cheaper in bulk,

and you and ray invited literally everyone to your wedding.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna barf.

Hey, it's perfectly normal to be nervous the night before your nuptials.

What's this?

Oh, my god!

A full ride to Northwestern?

That's incredible.

No, notgood, because_.

Ray won't move with you?

He said he can't do long distance

because his saturn won't make it all the way to Illinois and back.

He's not wrong about the saturn.

I know.

But there's got to be a way to fix this.

Right? You love ray.

Yeah. Yes.

I mean, he is deeply unemployed

and he hates chapter books.

But he's also really sweet, and he loves me.

And we have history,

but also people would freak if we didn't...

I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.

Oh, uh...

Okay. Don't just make sounds, Nathan.

Okay, um...

I'm not going to tell you what to do.

But, Reagan,

you deserve an amazing, epic, juicy, fulfilling life.

You're brilliant and hilarious and kind.

But you may not stay that way if you don't go for what you want.

Now, whether that's ray or Northwestern,

I have your back 100%. You know that.

But you got to run after the good stuff.

Okay.

Okay.

Think of it as a fair and honest deal.

Well, you can take your deal

and shove it up your fair and honest butt.

Hey, hey.

Reagan: Nathan! What?

Come on. This is what's best for everyone.

This is how you're going to keep your house,

and you'll get paid to keep doing what you do.

Can you do me a favor? Shut your lie hole.

That's what I call your mouth now.

Oh, really?

Actually, it's more like a lie "hose."

Just spraying lies everywhere.

Mmnpmnm. Senousw?

You're being very childish.

No, I'm not. You're being childish.

You ignore all my calls,

and then I find out you're leading this, like, secret life.

Why should I listen to anything you say?

I told you that Nathan would blow up over this, and he did.

After the tantrum passes, he'll see this is his only option.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself.

Okay. Yeah. Great. I'll focus on me.

I'm nowhere.

You said that the cultural center

was going to get a huge piece of action in this.

Well, where is it, Terry? Where's my action?

Is this it?

Is this it?

Oh, no, that's a ginormous casino.

Oh, what do we have here? It's a Tesla charging station.

What a bunch of snobs.

I'm just going to drive in from the city and go gamble.

I'm going to cheat on my wife

and not visit the cultural center that's supposed to be here.

I thought it would be more respectful

to build an entirely separate structure outside the casino.

This is your new cultural center.

Reagan: Is it two floors?

Oh, my god, is that an Ada-compliant rail?

I'm so sorry

for doubting you and also for making fun of the Tesla charging station.

Actually, I'm not sorry about that.

Elon Musk is dumb and he needs to pay his taxes.

This is incredible.

Thank you.

You've more than earned it.

Oh, it's a lot of space to fill.

I think it's time you spoke to Nathan's aunt about acquiring her collection.

Here.

Keep it under 20k. Wow.

Nathan's gonna hate this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize this multimillion-dollar deal

was going to hurt someone's feelings.

I hear that.

But strategically, it would help if Nathan were on board.

I mean, he could be a real Thorn in your side when he wants to be.

I know you don't think you have a supervisor

he can complain to, but he will find one.

Noted.

I will take care of Nathan.

You go shake down that old lady.

Good morning, Nathan.

No, it's not.

It's a stupid morning.

Wait, what?

I heard from Deirdre's assistant that today was a call for celebration,

so I made a little adjustment to the wall

of prominent rutherfords.

What? No, Bobby.

I don't belong up there.

A lot of these rutherfords are military heroes.

The only thing I'm going to be remembered for

is letting this town turn into a circus.

Wait, I'm trying to catch up.

We hate mornings and the circus?

Yeah.

Terry wants to turn this whole town into some kind of colonial theme park.

And he wants me to be his Mickey mouse.

I don't think so. Bobby: Right.

Who would want to be america's most beloved and recognizable symbol?

You know what I mean. Bobby: I'm just saying,

if I know Terry, he's going to do this with or without you.

And isn't it always better to be part of the plan?

I have a plan.

I'm gonna hate Terry for the rest of my life.

But if you can have a say in what happens in this town, shouldn't you do it?

It's like when I joined this gang of girls that were bullying me,

and now, we bully others. Together.

We made this one girl transfer.

She was a monster. Don't worry.

I guess if I joined them, I could help steer things in the right direction.

Their model was bleeding with historical inaccuracies. They need me.

And if it's done right,

whole town could be one giant rutherford museum.

Ooh! Great!

So should we leave the picture up?

Nope, it's got to come down.

And while you're at it, can you move Cyrus?

I always felt like he's flirting with Margaret.

Ew! That's his sister.

I'm on it.

So, I should warn you, I'm not great at negotiating.

I'm what's known at flea markets as a Mark.

Oh, no, that's not why I brought you.

I brought you because you're pretty.

Pretty? Yeah.

Your handsomeness is like a weapon

that can disarm even the coldest old lady.

And if it doesn't work out,

I got the Van for 12 more hours.

We can have multiple makeouts in multiple locations.

You really thought of everything.

You got this.

Although now I'm almost kind of wishing, like, it doesn't work out.

Sowecomdm vve_.Letsfocus.

Okay.

So, aunt Joan.

I can call you aunt, right?

Anyway, I am here to ask

on behalf of the minishonka nation,

if you would do the honor of returning important cultural items

currently in your possession

so that we may properly care for them.

Those items have been promised to Nathan.

Yes, I'm aware of your arrangement,

but the tribe is willing to offer a fair sum,

and I personally am going to throw something sweet into the potjust for you.

Mmm. Tempting offer.

But I indulged my last gigolo during the Ford administration.

Oh, no!

I am nota...

At least I don't think that was the...

Not him.

Your name on all of the museum labels.

You'll bejust like the sacklers.

Uh, minus all of the alleged predatory opioid abuse.

I am authorized to offer $5,000.

You can have them for $80,000.

Ten. Eighty.

Fifteen thousand. Eighty.

Eighteen? Eighty is the price.

Or you can be on your way.

Okay, great.

I'm just going to go ahead and reach out to the department of interior.

And see if everything's nagpra-compliant.

You know, the native American graves protection and repatriation act.

I don't know if I got a great look at all of the items

in your carriage house,

but I'm sure that they were all acquired in a proper way.

So if we were to get the feds involved,

you'd be fine, right?

Or we can skip that,

and I can give you money for items that belong to me anyway.

You've got a deal.

Now get out of my house.

But you can stay.

Uh, no, no, I'm going to go. Thanks.

All right. I'm in.

That's great to hear. Whoa-ho-ho!

Pump the brakes there, Terry, I'm not in just yet.

You just said you were in.

Well, sure, but it's got to be on my terms.

Okay? If you're going to turn this shopping complex

into a true rutherfordian experience,

I'm going to need the following,

$23 million to expand and modernize the rutherford museum.

Full veto power on all architectural and historical decisions.

Use of the company helicopter...

We don't have a company helicopter.

Well, if we get one, I want to use it.

Also an unlimited diorama budget.

I've already spoken to Marshall. He is in.

And he better be, considering I crushed it at his wedding.

He sang black velvet by Alannah Myles.

His version was 11 minutes,

and it was amazing.

Well, that does sound epic,

and of course we can discuss your many demands.

In the meantime,

I have something that I think you'll be equally excited about.

You look incredible!

I look ridiculous.

He looks ridiculous.

Nathan: This costume is wildly inaccurate.

It's like a hodgepodge of colonial fashion.

Military jacket, a scrivener's cravat,

a barrister's wig and boots

clearly taken from a pirate costume.

We're capturing the spirit of the era,

to give the people what they want.

Which reminds me, you're going to love this.

This is the poster image for "ye olde rutherford village."

Okay, where do I even start?

This type of butter churn was used primarily in the carolinas,

where there is significantly higher humidity.

And no rutherford has actually owned a dairy cow

since Zachary rutherford left his wife for one in 1782.

Our market research shows that the average American's

understanding of history can be boiled down to seven concepts.

George Washington, the flag, independence day,

independence day, the movie,

mlk, Forrest Gump,

and butter churns.

These enhancements

will take your family museum to the next level.

"Grandpappy rutherford's old time creamery and history museum"?

People find dairy-based businesses charming as hell.

It's wholesome.

And if you throw in a cow with a cute name, it's off the charts.

Oh! You could call him sir milks-a-lot.

Home run, Bobby. Home run!

You can't milk a male cow.

Nathan, this museum will draw like crazy.

That's why we put it next to the food court.

Go ahead. Give it a churn.

I'm really trying here, Terry.

This is what you wanted?

Yes, actually, it's what you want.

A brand-new, state-of-the-art museum

filled with people learning about your family.

This version of my family is bullshit.

Respectfully, every version of your family is bullshit.

At least this one is profitable.

Ooh, ooh!

What about moo-Donna?

Reagan: Josh, come on.

We need to get this stuff into the Van

before Joan changes her mind or steals our youthful bodies,

get out-style. I know, I know.

But there's so much stuff here.

I mean, come on, these... These love letters?

"Elizabeth, my love,

"I will always regret that we never had the courage..."

That says 1982, not 1882.

Oh, damn. I guess it's morejust like,

"Elizabeth, my love,

"I will always regret that we never had the courage to run away together..."

Ooh. "I will forever Cherish that

"you named our boy Nathan after my father..."

Okay.

Elizabeth is Nathan's mom,

but who is this Ronnie guy?

Josh: Um, I think it's his biological father,

which means I don't think Nathan's technically a rutherford.

It's just a letter. It doesn't prove anything.

Right.

Well, actually, it's letters.

A lot of them.

And some of them were pretty graphic.

Yeah, who puts illustrations in a love letter.

The '70s were wild.

Yeah, they were.

You gonna tell Nathan?

There's an explanation for this.

This isn't real.

Nathan's already pissed,

so I'm not going to worry him any more than I have to.

All we have is barely a hunch.

Plus the letters.

Yes, we have the letters.

Sorry.

Just because we're changing the museum

doesn't mean you have to pack everything up.

It's all good, Bobby,

I just gotta make room for some butter churns and fake history.

Might as well scrap my entire family's legacy while I'm at it.

But this is eustace rutherford's shoehorn.

You can't just throw this in a box.

People need to see this.

No, Bobby. No one cares about actual history.

Besides, you got your wish.

Mickey mouse.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

We can fix this.

What's to fix?

It's literally a dream scenario.

I get to dress like the quaker oats guy, churn butter all day,

and no one will get to learn the true story of my family.

I just mean this is a chance to start fresh. Nathan: Bobby.

Everything that I've ever cared about is being turned into a cartoon.

Okay? Does that feel like a fresh start?

I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

You're a teenager. You don't get it.

Well, if that's how you feel, I can give you some space.

Yeah. Why don't you do that?

Very well.

You have a 5:00 pm. Dentist appointment

that I won't send you a reminder for,

which sucks for you because you have several cavities.

Hey, I sent your silverware back.

Don't ask why, but trust me... Nathan isn't a rutherford.

The custodial parent release claim from his father.

I had a friend do some digging in Albany.

I mean...

This is ironclad.

Why... why did you... Do that?

Now, neither of us can unknow this information.

Are you kidding?

This is the missing piece to my story.

It has everything.

Sex, lies.

Family intrigue?

Oh, no, Josh. You cannot publish this.

What? I have to.

I thought that everything we talked about was, like, off the record.

You said that.

That's not how off the record works.

Josh, if you...

I can't be with a guy who destroys my best friend's entire life.

Is he your best friend?

Okay, I get what you're saying, I do,

but you're asking me not to do my job?

I would never askthatofyou.

I know. I mean, if the gender roles were reversed here,

you would be sexist to...

Uh... never mind.

I can see that it's unfair of me to ask you for this,

but it's what I need from you.

I understand.

And I would never do anything to hurt you,

but this is the only way to tell the whole truth.

I'm sorry, Reagan.

I'm so sorry, too.

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were Bobby.

Ifigured you'd still be mad at me.

And I've had a pretty crappy day myself,

so I got some Chang's.

I brang the Chang's 'cause I know it's our thang.

So if you got the pang... Please stop rhyming.

Totally. Thanks.

It does smell good, though.

I know.

Ooh!

Orange chicken. Uh-huh!

Playing hardball.

Okay, can I just say

that this has been the worst day... week.

The worst week. I agree.

And with that said, I have a hypothetical.

Hit me.

Tell me, do you prefer your bad news

flash-fried and served quickly on a plate?

Or is a slow-steamed bun more your thing?

You're not making any sense.

Yeah, sorry, that's, uh, hard to tell, um...

I have something to tell you.

And I know it'll make you upset, but...

I care about you so much

and I know if I don't tell you, you'd be more upset.

Okay. And that's...

I'm all out of upset today.

I already smashed two butter churns.

I mean...

Just lay it on me.

Well, earlier today, I was at your aunt Joan's house

and I found some... wait. Why were you at my aunt's house?

Okay, yeah. Let's start there.

As part of the casino expansion,

I've been given a budget to acquire minishonka items,

and I bought some from her.

Huh.

Well, this Chang's is cooked in blood.

Wha...

Who are you anymore?

First, you go work for Terry, my Nemesis,

and then you go, like, steal stuff from my family.

Okay. I... I bought it from her.

And if you want to talk about stealing,

I mean, there's no way that your family...

You know what? This is exactly why

I thought that you couldn't handle more bad news today.

Bring it on!

Honestly, I mean, what, what is it?

Did you kill my brother?

Is my grandmother an alien?

You're not a rutherford.

I found some letters in the carriage house,

and they are from a man addressed to your mom.

And then Josh confirmed it,

eventhough I asked him not to.

It's gonna come out, and I thought you'd rather hear it from me.

Get out.

Nathan... why would you even say that to me?

Becauseits what happened.

Yeah.

Right. I am so sick of everyone thinking

they know more about my family than I do.

You don't know anything about my heritage.

You don't know anything about me.

So please just go.

Hey, bud.

Hey, duz. What's up, man?

How'd you find me?

Uh, well, you gave me this when you were 11 years old.

And you said to open it in case of emergency.

"Should I go missing,

"I'm most likely sitting in quiet contemplation

"at buckheart lodge.

"If I'm not there, investigate the following suspects,

"the chisenhalls, Manuel noriega, cobra commander..."

Okay, come on. Iwas11.

Well, I'm glad I found you because cobra commander was no help at all.

You know,

a lot of people are worried about you, man.

I talked to Reagan. Oh, which one did you talk to?

The one that I grew up with and have loved dearly my entire life

or the one that was recently bitten by a vamp-liar

and is now cursed to tell bizarre lies for the rest of eternity.

Yeah, it's just the thing is...

Uh, Reagan might technically

be almost certainly right about this.

Duz, I love your sense of humor.

You remember Mr. D'Angelo from mom's bowling team?

Yeah. Uncle Ronnie.

Right. You remember how he used to come over to the house a lot?

And how mom and dad slept in separate bedrooms for, like, three years?

And that one time that dad threw your television across the room

because he saw you watching professional bowling?

Oh, my god.

Mom was boning uncle Ronnie?

He's...

I'm sorry, Nathan.

How are you so sure?

Well, I wasn't.

But when you asked me to grab those documents in my pantry,

there was a letter stuck to the back.

It was uncle Ronnie writing to mom

agreeing to renounce his paternity.

Then there were a bunch of bowling scores at the bottom.

It turns out mom was a really great bowler.

I don't know if you knew that.

So, I'm a d'Angelo?

I mean, genetically.

But you're a rutherford, man.

I mean, you've dedicated your entire life to this family.

You're more rutherford than any of us.

But I'm not. I'm not a rutherford.

Yes, you are.

You are still my brother. Don't say that.

Yeah, but I'm your adopted half-brother,

Nate d'Angelo.

Okay.

Thank you for, um...

Enlightening me.

It's a lot to take in, but you know, uh, it's all good.

It's all good.

It's all good. I kind of wish you'd put the poker down.

What, oh, am I scaring you with this?

Just listen... Ah! I'm gonna kill you.

Just wow.

Yeah, I had a big crush on Janet d'Angelo as a kid.

Tried to make out with my half-sister.

A lot of memories coming into focus.

Very cool.

Look, why don't you come home with me for a few days?

The girls would love to see you.

Okay, I, uh...

I just... I... I think I need some alone time.

I'm... I'm okay, I promise.

Come here.

I'm really sorry, man.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll, uh...

Okay. Call you tomorrow.

Finally. I was so mad at you I was actually doing homework.

Hey, Bobby. Just a quick fyi.

I'm closing the museum.

What? For how long?

Uh, for approximately ever.

And I just wanted to say thank you

for your hard work and dedication.

And I'm sorry I wasted your time

with such a dumb museum,

for a dumb family who is dumb.

Uh, all right, look, I'm getting out of town for a little bit.

And also Bobby, I... I really am sorry.

Um, you're just an awesome person.

I'll see you later. Uh...

Yeah.

Well, that tracks.