Original subtitles

According to one report,

Ireland, Dublin specifically,

is the most expensive place in the world to live.

With most people reporting 2/3

of all of their income going on rent.

Not only that, also revealed in the same report

is that we're serving the highest priced pints.

Can you believe that? How can we be expected to pay our rent

when we have all those pints to drink? Come on!

Hey, school bag.

People are certainly feeling the pressure,

but look, it's a beautiful day here in Dublin

and across the country.

So, we want to do something nice for you.

This week's giveaway getaway is a trip

to this year's Primavera Festival in Barcelona.

All you have to do is answer me this very simple question:

How many toes does a dog have?

There you go, something to think about.

How many toes does a dog have?

A: 20.

B: 16.

C: 12.

B, Ma.

- B, 16? - 16.

Okay, 10 euro, all the homework. This is Wednesday, I've only got two.

This'll get you through the week 'cos we don't usually

- have homework on Thursday. - Yep.

Crap!

Okay, we are going to call this week's giveaway getaway winner.

Do we have her on the line? We do, excellent, very good.

- Hello? - Hey, Aoife?

- Yeah. - Aoife from Kilkenny?

- Yeah? - It's Ian Dempsey here,

would you like to go away for the week?

- Oh, my god, fuck off. - Aoife, Aoife, please, please, don't curse.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, yeah, no. Sorry, no cursing on the radio, yeah, obviously.

And thank you.

- Yes, I would love the holiday. - Fantastic.

Get your things ready because you are going to

- Primavera in Barcelona-- - Yes, thank you!

For the week, thanks, Aoife, bye.

I need this so much. Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh, my God!

Al, Al?

All right.

- That's the lot, is that? - Yeah, it should be.

Lovely jubbly.

Were you not meant to do Donovan's?

Shite.

For crying out loud, Al.

I'm meant to be able to rely on you.

They're doing spot checks on all of them.

It's not really a spot check then, is it?

Don't get smart, Al. This is a pretty simple gig.

You put a poster in a window, you take a picture,

you give me the picture.

Yeah, look I'll head back out. It'll be back to you in an hour.

You're messing with me system, Al.

How long do I have to keep doing this for?

This is serious, Karl. You could get a lot of trouble.

Look, people were struggling with their work,

I gave 'em a hand. What's the big deal?

The big deal is homework's supposed to be hard.

It's not for me.

That's not the point, Karl.

Look...

...I don't know why you're freaking out here.

Mom, it's Aoife. Call me back, please, it's urgent.

I need someone to mind Karl.

Just, yeah, just call me back, call me back.

Tim, what's up?

Hey, man, Sarah just wanted me to call you

to remind you about the rent next week?

Okay.

Don't be like that.

I'm not like anything.

I'm not being a dick here, man.

I didn't say anything.

These things have knock-on affects.

It's effects.

You've been late the last two months and...

Hold on, I said fine, Sarah!

You've been leaving beard hairs in the sink too.

Okay, look, I'm about to go on a date here.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

- Grand. - Right.

- Al? - Hey.

So, what you wanna do?

Um, I was thinking we could maybe go for a walk

and grab a pint?

You don't wanna get food or anything?

Yeah, we can do that.

Mom, wait, look, slow down, there's a sign.

Mom, it's a victimless crime.

- I'm the victim. - How?

Well, because after winning these tickets

and now I can't find anyone to mind you.

Why can't I just stay with Minnie?

Because my mother isn't answering her phone and I...

Well, maybe I could try Al.

- All right, come on. - Not him!

Brand merchandise, you mean like posters?

Posters, yeah, stands.

It depends, sometimes there's stickers.

It's my sister.

- Aoife? - Al?

- Aoife, what's up? - Uh, yeah, all good.

I'm just heading to Primavera Festival.

- Right. - Yeah, it's deadly.

I won the tickets on the radio.

That's cool, you're always entering those competitions.

It's nice to see it paying off.

Yeah, thanks, um, just one problem though.

Yeah?

I've no one to mind Karl.

Not a chance, Aoife.

Please, Al, come on, I'm really stuck.

Why can't Mom do it?

I don't know, she's off on the Isle of Wight with Dan or something.

She hasn't been answering her phone.

Look, I don't have anyone else.

- Look, Aoife, I have to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow. - Please, Al, please.

Okay, yeah, no problem. Thanks, Aoife, bye.

Oh, oh, thank you. Oh, my god, thank you, Al! Yes, thank you.

Sorry, sorry, just getting you sorted for the week.

- Where am I going? - Al's coming down.

Ugh, Mom, he's gonna try to poison me or something.

Why would he poison you?

I don't know, maybe drug me.

Cop on, will you?

He's your uncle, you'll have fun.

I have a busy weekend.

No, you don't.

I do, I have soccer and I need to buy stationery.

Yeah, well, I'll give him your schedule.

So, there'll be any shops up at this festival?

Yeah, but like they just sell burgers and chips

and things like that, you know?

So no presents?

Well, you seem to be in a lot of trouble.

Hm, that homework thing was a side hustle.

Yeah, well if you promise not to swindle anyone

out of money for a week, then I'll bring you back something.

- What would you like? - 50 quid.

Hey!

It's so funny, you're not my type at all.

Okay, thanks.

No offense, you're just not, you know?

If the girls could see me now!

Actually, do you mind? Do you mind if I get a pic?

They won't believe this.

Brand merchandising.

How did you end up in something like that?

I don't know how you do it.

Like, did you ever want to do something more meaningful?

Like make a difference or something?

I think I need to go home.

Listen to this one.

He plans to strike tonight.

"Beware, you fools..."

Up in the sky, look!

- It's a bird! - It's a plane!

- Al, wake up. - You're on the couch.

- Did you eat my rashers? - Um, yeah, sorry.

Jesus, man.

I thought you were on a diet?

Fridays are my cheat day.

Al, you should be sleeping in your room like normal people.

I'm sorry, I had a bad night.

- This is too much, man. - I know, I'll sort it.

Seriously, and if the rent is late again this month, we'll have to talk.

I'm freelance, it doesn't always come in on time.

If his shitty cash management gets in the way of our mortgage application--

Ah, Jesus Christ, Sarah,

it's not like they fucking teach this stuff in school.

They literally do.

We need to go to work, for real jobs.

- That pay on time. Namaste.

- Aoife? - Hey, Al.

You need to be down in Kilkenny for 3:00 today, all right?

What? What are you talking about?

Uh, Karl? We spoke about this yesterday.

And I said no.

No, you said "no problem."

I said...

That wasn't... No.

Well, do you know what?

It's too late now 'cause I'm halfway up to the airport, so...

What? Aoife, no, I, I can't mind him.

Oh, please, Al. You're his fucking uncle, like.

God, you haven't seen him in years.

And the last time I saw him, he pissed all over me.

Ah, that wasn't him.

Well, someone's child once pissed on me and that's enough.

Jeez, come on, Al, would you ever grow up?

Like, you're his uncle, you never do nothing for him.

Or me, I'm your only sister.

I'm like a single mother, I'm just trying to enjoy myself,

trying to make it in the world and I just need my brother's support right now.

I'm asking for one favour.

- Fine. - Yes, thank you, Al.

Oh, my God, thank you so much. Oh, I knew you'd do it.

And right, well, as I said you need at school for 3:00,

and he's expecting you, so don't be late.

And then, yeah, you're gonna have a great time.

All right, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Aoife, what the fuck? Aoife!

Come on, come on, come on.

Christ!

Fuck!

Mr. Clancy.

- You in a bit of a bother? - You have to help me, man.

This, the engine just stopped. It won't start again.

What's it smoking like that for?

I don't know, can you fix it?

Do you need tires?

I don't know! I need to get the engine started.

I need to get down the road to Kilkenny.

I need to get to Kilkenny now.

That doesn't look good, does it?

- No, it doesn't at all. - It's filthy.

How are your wiper blades?

I need to get to Kilkenny now.

Yeah, your wipers are fucked.

Can you fix this for me, please?

I sell tires, I'm not a mechanic.

Surely there's somebody here who could make an engine start?

I'll get someone to have a look at it. I'll get the rest of it done.

It's not gonna be cheap. I'll let you know.

Right, okay, for now can you give me anything?

Just something with an engine and a set of wheels.

I have something that might work.

Fuck.

I'll check that battery as well for you, all right?

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, where's your mom?

She's gone off to a festival.

Who's picking you up?

My Uncle Al.

He's a bit of a flake.

Are you still angry about the homework thingy?

Yeah, Karl, I'm still angry about the homework thingy.

I was only helping them.

You're not helping anyone by doing their homework.

You're a smart boy, Karl, but just because you're smart

doesn't mean you're always right.

I can't believe I'm getting in trouble for doing extra homework.

- This is bullshit. - Language, Karl.

What is the polite way of saying bullshit then?

- Sugar? - This is bull sugar!

- Sorry I'm late, I'm his Uncle Al-- - Yeah, school finished at 3:30.

Yeah, um, thanks for waiting with him.

This isn't mine, by the way. My car broke down, it's at Keith Duffy's.

Good luck, Karl.

Bye, Ms. Hughes.

You left me with the worst person I know.

Seems all right to me.

Let's go.

Hang on, hang on, wait for me.

Hurry up!

Did you hear about the guy that jumped off the bridge?

Yeah, I was in school with him.

Al? Al?

Al, did you get the timetable?

Al?

Al, did Mom send you the schedule?

- Your what? - The timetable.

I have a busy weekend. Do you know what a schedule is?

Yes, I know what a schedule is. I just didn't think little idiots had schedules.

- Wow. - Don't wow me.

- Where is this schedule? - Uh, the cloud?

- Can you print it off for me? - I don't know how to.

- Do you know the schedule? - Of course I do, it's my list.

Well, do you want to give me the rundown?

Why don't you just print it and learn it?

Just give me the highlights.

I have soccer tomorrow and I need to buy stationery on Sunday.

- Is that it? - Yeah.

- You're not that busy. - What are you doing this weekend?

- Not much. - Nothing, just as I thought.

- What is that? - Baked bean surprise.

- I used to eat this as a kid. - Great.

- Did you make dessert? - No.

- Did you buy dessert? - No.

Did mom leaving any instructions to mind a child?

Nope.

Getting dessert is basically rule 101 of minding kids.

You know, actually, I did get dessert.

I prefer marshmallows.

Um, I'm just gonna head into town for a while.

Yeah, whatever. Mom never waits.

Cool, see you later.

- Hey, Al! - Ryano?

- What's the crack? - Ryano, how are you?

- All good, yeah, yeah, yeah, you? - Yeah, good, man.

- Just down for a few days. - Yeah, nice, nice.

See the new bridge?

Yep.

- You married? - Nah, man, no.

- You? - Nah.

- Kids? - Nah, you?

Nah.

Still doing the postering thing, are you?

Yeah, yeah, man. In and out.

You still stock checking?

Nah, nah, it's all bar work now.

Yeah.

Still drawing, are ya?

The dole?

Nah, all the art stuff.

Ah, nah, man. Not really.

Ah, little bits and pieces. Nothing serious, nothing really.

Few pints later?

I can't, man, I'm minding the nephew.

- Oh, yeah, your younger sister's lad, isn't it? - Yeah.

Man, she was a total fucking ride back in the day.

So hot.

- Gotta head off, man. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Well, give the shout if you're around.

- Yeah, take care. - Yeah, two scoops.

All right, man, good luck.

Ms. Hughes? Yeah, Al, Karl's uncle.

Oh, yeah...

So, any tips on how to get a 10-year-old to like me?

He's 10.

He likes anyone that's taller than him.

It's like I can't seem to talk to him.

It's like he's just pissed off that I'm here.

Okay.

I'm actually not that bad when you get to know me.

Well, what have you done?

What do you mean?

Why should he like you?

I made him beans.

You have to actually try, you know?

That surly thing is not as attractive as you think it is.

I'm not trying to be attractive to him.

Do you really only have one understanding of the word "attractive"?

Fine, what should I do?

You actually seem like a bit of an idiot, so be an idiot with him.

9:00 a.m. Monday. Try not to kill him before then.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

Shit!

I'm sorry.

Hey, what's in the bag?

Bread?

Nice one, Captain Boring.

- Hey. - Hey!

What's that for?

Get outta here!

- Something's flying above us! - It's a bird.

- It's a plane! - It's Superman!

So, uh, this teacher of yours, she's a bit crazy, is she?

Big time.

One of the lads from school was saying she was fired

from her last job for trying to murder her boss.

- Do you think that's true? - I don't know.

You can't really prove attempted murder.

What?

...assumed the disguise of Clark Kent,

mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper.

Why do you need 15 copy books?

- I do a lotta homework. - Nerd.

Oh, look, there's Minnie and Dan.

Weird.

She's supposed to be in the Isle of Wight.

That's so rude.

Come here, what time does school start at these days?

Did Mom not send you my timetable?

No.

I have to be there for 8:50.

So we have to leave here at 8:30.

- Grand. - Cool.

This weekend has been fun.

Kind of thought I was gonna hate it,

but it was actually a bit of crack.

Yeah, you're not as messed up as I thought you'd be.

- Cheers. - You know what I mean.

Not really, but it's cool.

- Do you have Snapchat? - Yeah.

Hm, do you wanna add me?

- Sure, let's be Snapchat friends. - Cool.

Good night.

Al!

What the fuck?

What the fuck yourself!

- What is on my face? - Shit.

Do you think this is funny?

Honestly? Come on, I'll fix it.

Come on, come on, I'll fix it for you.

Get off me. Come on, get in there.

Would you just hold still for one second?

Oh, god, it's not coming off. I thought it was magic marker.

- Well, what is it? - I don't know, permanent I suppose.

- Like a tattoo? - No, not like a tattoo.

Come here, let me just try something.

No, look, if I put a bit of this on, it should come off.

Just hold still. Trust me for one second, please.

- Just trust me, please. - No, no.

Oh, no, I'm just making it worse.

I'm not going to school like this.

I have to get to work in Dublin.

I'm not going to school like this.

I can't take you with me. I've got a moped.

- What time is your mom back at? - Friday.

No, what time is she back at?

I just told you, Friday.

She's back today?!

- It's a week-long festival. - Are you... No, no.

I can't believe you don't know this.

- Hi, I'm not here. - It's on the schedule.

Well, I didn't get the fucking schedule, did I?

When you draw on someone's face and ruin their life,

you don't get to take that tone with them.

That's not a real rule.

Right, you're not going to school today.

Let's go to Minnie's and see if she can take you. Come on.

Hi, Nanna, are you home? It's me, Karl.

Can you let me in, please?

Where is she?

Knowing Minnie, she's probably hiding on us.

- No sign. - It's ridiculous.

I need to get to Dublin. If I don't pick up this week's poster assignment, I'm fucked.

Why?

Because this is the one week

I needed to be good at being an adult.

You should have thought of that before you drew on someone's face.

Has it occurred to you that if I hadn't drawn on your face, you'd be in school right now?

And your Mom would still be away for a week,

and I'd be in Dublin none the wiser.

So, you'd finish school and you'd have no way

of contacting anyone, and you'd be put into the care of social services.

And your mom would be arrested for neglect.

Exactly.

It's nothing short of a miracle that my drunk messing around

has saved you and your mom's lives.

So instead of fucking crying about it,

maybe you could jump on the wagon and help me fix this mess?

I'm sorry for cursing at you.

I'm just a bit stressed because I could lose my job

and if I lose my job, Tim and Sarah are gonna

kick me out of the apartment.

It's okay.

- I have a plan. - I'm all ears.

Let's steal that yoke.

Do you know why your friend jumped off that bridge?

Why would people do that?

It's different for everyone, you know?

Sometimes people find life really hard and go to dark places.

Did you ever go to dark places?

I did, yeah. I mean, I used to.

Not really that much anymore.

What's it like?

Well, to be honest, it doesn't really matter

what it's like as long as you can remember

it's gonna be okay.

Did he not remember?

When you're there, that's the hardest thing to believe.

- What time do you call this? - Are we too late?

- Yeah, they've all gone out. - All of them?

You knew I was coming up.

I have lads who I can rely on who want the work

and you turn up late?

- Is there anything left? - No, it's all gone out.

Come on, Joe, there must be something.

You do realize that boy has a cartoon beard

drawn on his face?

Yeah, that's Karl.

Why has he got a fake beard?

You trying to sneak him into the cinema?

What?

You're better off putting him in a dress.

Wait, who's putting me in a dress?

No one's gonna believe that's a real beard.

What film are you trying to sneak him into?

We're not trying to sneak into the cinema.

Oh, all the Dublin stuff's gone out.

Is there anything down south or something?

Ugh, look, there is. There is, yeah.

I have these lotto stands that need to go out, but they need to be up by Friday

and they absolutely need to be done.

Joe, you can count on me.

Man, you've let me down a lot in the past,

and now you turn up with that mad looking truck

and a boy with a beard drawn on his face.

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of that.

Yeah, of course there is. Come on.

Joe, this is more than twice my weekly average.

That's not even to mention driving around the country.

That's all I can do, man.

I don't know if I can do this, Joe.

If you don't want to do it, I'll get someone else to do it.

Who?

- Who are you? - Karl.

Who are you gonna get to do it?

It doesn't matter. Here, for your face.

Wash that off.

Don't mind him, he's spoofing.

I'm not. There's loads of lads who would love to do this.

Yeah, right, look at this.

Three months overdue today.

Fine, I want you to do it.

There's a lot of driving in this.

He should be paying you a lot more.

- I'm not paying you more! - Okay, that's okay.

No, not okay. Let's go, Al.

Okay, fine, what do you want?

Fifty euro per shop.

Ha, now who's spoofing?

We're driving all over Ireland putting posters up

just to save your own ass.

I'm not paying 50 a shop!

- Fine, 40. - Fine.

We need a per diem too.

- A what? - A per diem?

Who do you think you are, Madonna?

Who?

We need 50 a haul for diesel, food, all that kinda stuff.

Fine.

Wait, 40 euro a shop plus 50 euro a day is more than 50 euro a shop.

I know, that guy's a dope.

Ah, thanks.

- What do we need that for? - It's the system.

He takes photographs, sends 'em back here, and we send 'em off.

Can he not just email them?

No, it's easier this way.

It's way easier just to email them.

No, with the camera, yeah, it's easier.

No, it's not.

You're wasting your breath, Karl.

But it's just stupid!

It's simple.

It's all on the one camera now. It's, it's the system, yeah.

It works for us. Isn't that right, Al?

It's the opposite of simple, Joe.

You're very rude for a midget.

He's mean.

Al, hold on!

Don't fuck this up.

Did you chase us down just to say that?

Yeah, just reminding you.

I'll check in with you during the week.

Cheers.

How long does it take to do a shop?

40 minutes maybe.

It's gonna be a tight week. I have the game on Friday.

Grand.

I need to be back in Kilkenny for 5:00 at the latest on Friday.

You'll be in school. Just make your way over after.

I'm not going to school. You need me!

Karl, I'm putting posters in shops. I'll be grand.

Who's gonna mind me in the evening?

I'll be back.

Do you know how long this is going to take?

There's 20 different towns all over the country!

What do you mean?

You'll have to do four shops a day and put the posters up.

Yeah, and get back to Kilkenny every night.

That's not possible.

We'll have to sleep in this yoke.

Fuck.

I'm not staying in my uniform all week.

There might be some t-shirts and things

in the cupboards at the back there.

Go and have a look.

Right, all done here.

What's wrong, are you missing your mom?

What? No.

How much money have you got?

Uh, 150 euro, why?

You need about 300 to go through the week.

Who made you the accountant?

- My numbers are solid! - Oh, my God.

Diesel alone is about 200 euros.

If it comes to it, we could just steal some food.

What? I'm not stealing food.

Just, like, bread and stuff. Nobody's gonna care, you're so young.

What do you think I am, a thief?

You already stole a camper van.

Yeah, but you can't steal from your grandmother.

Mind you, you're actually very smart and yet also

incredibly not very smart in any way, shape, or form.

Why are you getting two boxes of cereal?

Variety.

Well, you only need one.

No, those ones are boring. They have no flavour.

We don't even have a microwave.

- That's enough. - What, will you let me get me something nice?

- I don't-- - We have all junk.

Too many appley things. Put the apples back.

Oh, but they're healthy for you. Hold up, I want to hop in.

- No. - Yes.

- No! - Yes.

- Oh, woo! - No.

Yes.

Wait, no!

When you begin the process, yeah--

Can I play on your phone?

- My life is now separate-- - Nah.

- From my parents-- - Please?

No, besides I don't have any games.

- Not even "Fortnite?" - Nope.

What do you do on your phone so?

Twitter, read the news, podcasts.

That kind of stuff.

I'm stuck in a camper van for a week

with the most boring person I ever met.

Before he gets sorted.

So, the reason we need to fix the housing issue

is not just short term economics,

it's deeply, deeply psychological.

- How's it going? - Not bad, you?

Are you helping your dad?

No, that's my uncle, and it's just for the week.

Very good.

He needs all the help he can get.

- Would you like an ice cream? - Yeah, but I can't pay for it.

- Tough going, is it? - Where do you start?

I'm trying to help him get through the week,

but he just won't listen.

I know, it's the little things.

Exactly! The little things.

Help him when you can, try not to be too hard on him,

and try to remember sometimes it's not easy

to see the bigger picture.

Yeah, maybe you are right.

Now, what toppings would you like?

Some mellows of the marsh.

- Chocolate drops? - Yes, please.

- Where'd you get that? - Shop.

- I thought we were on a budget? - It was free.

- Did you get me one? - I didn't think you wanted one.

From now on, if you're getting free stuff,

- get one for me as well, yeah? - Hm.

Hey, maybe I can use the camera to take the pictures.

Yeah? Do you know how to use it?

Yeah, you point the yoke, press the button.

And move on with your life.

You have to like make sure the pictures are clear

and that you get everything in and all that.

Old-school selfie.

Joe will love that.

What about, um--

It is that woman, what's her name?

- Black Widow. - Black Widow, yeah.

- She's pretty good at fighting. - Yeah.

- Pretty good at shooting. - Parkour!

Parkour!

Whoa, parkour!

- Ah, parkour! - Parkour.

Oh, stunning parkour there.

Shh. Someone's coming.

- I think it's the Germans. - The Germans?

It better not be. Behind enemy lines.

- Hide. - Sketch.

Bloody blow it out, blow it out!

You're making it worse. Stop.

Shit.

Here you go, buddy. I got you a blanket.

Here, give us that, come on.

Are you doing anything Friday night?

I'm not.

Do you want to come to my game?

Yeah, man, sure.

- Mom never comes. - Why not?

Says she gets her me time.

That's fair, everyone deserves their me time.

Yeah, but everyone else's parents are there.

Hm.

Look, not to worry, I'll be there this Friday.

Now, get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow.

Six shops. Think we can do it?

Are you kidding? You and me working together?

We can do anything.

- Right, go on, good night. - Good night.

- Ow. - Come on, Al, let's go.

- Hop to it. - Ow. What time is it?

It's practice o'clock. Let's go!

- Do you have coffee? - Why do you need coffee?

It's great weather out. Let's go.

I need coffee.

Hop to it, hop to it, let's go.

I'm not going anywhere until I get at least

one cup of coffee

and then maybe we can do five minutes of practice.

Five minutes?

At your age, you need at least 20 minutes warm up.

Oh, go away!

- How are you doing? - What are you doing there?

- Uh, the Lucky Lilly Lotto. - The lucky what?

Lucky Lilly Lotto. I just need to put the signs up.

Who's this git?

- I don't know. - "Be a winner."

What's this now?

- Just-- - What, here, don't be putting me in your photos.

I didn't agree to this. That's illegal.

- Blur out my face and ass. - Thanks very much.

What about, eh, Woody?

Do you know, uh--

I'm from the south of Texas.

There's a snake in my boot.

Or I could go down to Kerry

and you'd hear people talking like this,

talking about needing to go to Dublin to get the bits

for the Christmas shopping and all of that sort of thing, you know?

What are you doing?

Just showing you what people from Kerry sound like.

What's wrong with you?

Did you never dip a chip in your milkshake?

- Come on! - That's disgusting.

- Woo! - Is that supposed to be Ric Flair?

Do you know who Ric Flair is?

- Yeah. - Can you do it better?

Yeah, easy, watch.

- Woo! - That's what I did.

- No, you went "woo." - Woo!

- "Woo," that's you. - Oh, come on.

Woo!

Woo!

I can't, that's the best I got.

Woo!

Come on, and we'll get a selfie. Come on.

Joe, listen, you don't understand.

No, Joe, we need the money now.

You need to transfer the per diems.

It's that simple.

We'll be stuck in Kerry with a camera full of pictures

and no way of getting 'em to ya.

Brilliant, thanks. In the next hour?

Cheers.

Victory royale!

- I can't do it, only you. - Hey, out the inside.

Go back that way, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, get there!

And then, I don't know, something like woo!

- Watch me. - Show me a dance move.

Any dance move.

Ah, fuck off with all those.

I'm gone.

Let's go do some mini-golf.

Thank you very much. Lead the way.

- Whoa! - Run!

It's like a sticker. You can stick it.

- Hold on! - Bam!

- Aw!

Yeah.

- Seen it. - Yeah.

- Yes! - Ow!

We should just stay here and be carnies.

We need to get to Dublin, so we gotta take off.

Hey. Aha!

Jesus.

Karl, come on, it's time to...

Karl? Karl!

- Karl? - Al, over here!

Karl, what do you think you're playing at?

I'm just grabbing you breakfast and a coffee.

You can't just run off and not tell me.

Stop shouting, will you? I have the coffee.

- Why aren't you wearing pants? - What?

You look like you pissed yourself.

You said if you get the coffee into ya,

you'll often play football with me.

Yeah, well, look it, if we get through today,

then we can play football later on.

Sit down, I need to tell you something.

Right.

These dark places, if you ever find yourself in them,

come to me, I'll get you out. Promise.

Okay, yeah, thanks.

And if you ever find yourself there,

then I'll be there for you too.

Grand, now eat up. We have a long day ahead of us.

Uh, this is from your teacher.

"He needs to finish the maths work from last week,

read chapter two and three of the book,

and catch up on his spelling."

Did you just get a text from my teacher giving me homework?

- Yep. - How did she have your number?

We matched on Tinder.

You matched my teacher on Tinder,

and now she's giving me homework assignments through you?

Yep.

Are you insane? What? What? What's the big deal?

You don't get it, she's out to ruin my life!

By making sure you're well-educated?

I can't believe you've done this to me.

This is the most messed up thing ever.

- Why? - You don't get it.

- She's using you. - Using me?

To give me homework. How messed up is that?

She's a psychopath, Al. A psychopath!

I think you should get started on your maths.

Are you sure you want me to send all these now?

I mean, I think she's just gonna give you more homework.

Yeah, I'm done.

- I don't care. - Okay.

- I'm on the holidays. - This is not a holiday.

- Move - What?

I have to go take a crap. Come on, move.

Shit, she's ringing me. What do I do?

Well, answer the phone, Romeo.

Now, if you want me, I'll be in my office.

- How are you doing? - Hi.

You got those homework pics, yeah?

Yes, I got the pictures.

And I'm just a little bit concerned because the quality

of his work is significantly poorer than normal.

I mean, he's been working really hard at it.

I checked them all myself.

'Cause what's weird is that he has all

of the right answers but they're crossed out

- with the wrong ones. - That is weird.

I think I just need to speak to Karl, please.

You want to speak to Karl?

Tell her I'm taking a S-H-I-T.

He's indisposed at the minute, sorry.

- A shit! - Right.

So, what are you wearing?

Al, please stop doing Karl's homework.

Yeah, all right.

Come on, you, hurry up.

- What the fuck? - Oi, come on.

Al, come on, can we please go?

- No. - Please, Al.

- We'll see. - Come on.

That's good for your weak hand.

Whoa, dip it! Oh, look, oh, a duck went for it.

Here, have another one. Betcha.

- Take that, Al. Never mind. - Oh, there's gonna be a row.

Oh, yes, smack! Bang on the rock.

Where did that go? Where did it go?

Today has been a good day.

Dude, this whole week has been a good day.

- Oh, good chip. - Oh!

Sorry, duck.

Let's try to get him near me.

- Oh. - Jesus!

Want a chip?

Please, Al, please.

Please can we go to that talent show? Please?

Where did they even get those?

Are they warm? Are they cold?

They look like tights for your skin.

Are they uncomfortable? They look uncomfortable.

What do you think? Are they uncomfortable?

I think they're uncomfortable.

Who invented them, John Morph?

I think we look great.

What? What's your problem?

You look pretty nice to me.

Let's just go.

What is that?

It's called The Floss.

Wait, watch. You try it.

Okay, stop trying. Can you do the dab?

Of course I can dab.

These modern dance moves are ridiculous.

Right, was dancing not invented when you were younger?

Of course it was invented. It was just a lot more sophisticated.

- Like what? - Yeah, we had like stacking the shelves.

Stealing the light bulbs. Pulling the pints.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.

Was some of that like train track? Al and Karl's train track.

I think that was even before my time.

Oh! Oh, no. The worm.

If we don't pull it tonight, it'll be all the matter.

Is this your first crush?

My first four crushes.

Yeah, champions!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!

What are we gonna do?

I don't know. Joe's gonna kill me.

It's not your fault.

I don't know if that's gonna matter.

Brand merchandising is pretty ruthless.

We were so close too.

- Six more. - I've got it!

What?

We're not starting a war with England.

No, you dope. We're pirates, like buccaneers.

I say we go back get those posters and hang 'em up in the windows.

And just send pictures of the completed ones to Joe.

He won't come all the way down to Kerry.

Yeah, but we don't have enough cash to get us back to all those other shops.

One, two, three!

Every fucking night this week.

You know, I have feelings too.

I'll do it myself. I end up doing it myself anyway.

I'm a fucking eejit.

I'm a fucking eejit.

So, I can't even treat it--

Sir, um, I'm just here to take down the poster.

Yeah.

But you put that poster up yesterday.

Yeah, uh, they want me to take it back.

- After a day? - Will you just leave him?

You stay out of this.

I'm just doing my job.

Oh, and you think I'm not?

I don't think that's what he's saying. Is that what you're saying?

- No. - No, you see?

Go on, you're grand.

No, no, no, no, that's my poster.

That's our poster, Sheila.

Don't you Sheila me.

Either way, he's not touching that poster.

Will you just let him have it?

- Please? - Why?

What's wrong with it?

I'm sure he's gonna replace it with another one.

- Isn't that what you're gonna do? - Uh, no, I just need to--

You're gonna take our poster and not replace it?

Well, it--

I knew he was up to something.

I'm not up to anything.

- Where's your ID? - ID?

Identification, son, where is it?

He's as dodgy as they come.

What's your name and date of birth? - Who are you calling?

That's none of your business.

Look, it's cool.

Lock the fucking door, Sheila.

Karl, get in the van. Get in the van, Karl.

- Where are the posters? - Get in the van. Get in.

- I don't know. - We need to get out of here.

Why are we in such a rush? Why don't we fuckin' go?

Don't worry, I have a plan for this one.

Karl, I'm telling you, those people were crazy.

- There was no-- - Let's not go over it again.

I have a plan for this one.

What are you gonna do?

The old Mexican standoff.

What?

The old Mexican standoff.

I walk in there, I distract her--

Wait, that's not what a Mexican standoff...

Look, never mind. How are you gonna distract her?

- I'm gonna talk shop. - How?

I'm just gonna ask her questions about the shop,

like the sweets and all that.

And you walk in, grab stuff, and we déjà vu back to here.

- Rendezvous. - Gesundheit.

Let's go.

- Have you got anything nice? - Well, it depends what you're looking for.

Are you looking for chocolate, jellies, ice cream?

- What about jelly tots? Kids are mad for-- - Where are the jelly daddies?

Jelly daddies? I don't think we stock jelly daddies.

- Aw. - You've really nice cheekbones.

Did anybody ever tell you that?

- For a child like. - No.

Where's your parents from?

- Kilkenny like... - No, they couldn't be

- from Kilkenny with those cheekbones. - I don't know my dad.

- He could be Jamaican. - Jamaican? Okay, I'm not racist,

but you're definitely not from a Jamaican father.

Have you ever thought about starting a YouTube channel?

- Like you could make so much money-- - I think I know.

- I'll figure it out at home. - Okay, well let me know.

- We can earn commission. - Okay, good enough.

What makes good cheekbones?

I've no idea.

Maybe we should just use these, uh,

- these ones for the last few shops.

Yeah, that makes way more sense. People are weird.

Hey, Joe.

Yeah, yeah we're just getting the last few now.

Yeah, back tomorrow.

Yeah, with pictures of all the shops.

Yeah, I know, Joe, yeah, last chance.

Thanks. See ya, bye.

- I'm bored. - How can you be bored? You're in the great outdoors.

Look at that sunset.

You're not even looking at the sunset. What are you doing?

I bet you you're playing "Fortnite."

No, I'm not playing "Fortnite." I'm texting.

Who are you texting?

You better not be texting my teacher.

Stop texting my teacher.

Go and do your homework or something.

- Last chance. - You're annoying me now.

That's my gun.

Ow, ouch!

Fuck it, let's just go and do something in town.

Come on, get in the van.

Can we go to table quiz?

We've got like 10 euro for tonight's dinner

and we need the rest for diesel for tomorrow.

We can't afford it.

Where did you get that?

Oh, I kept it in case of emergencies.

Why didn't you tell me about it?

Because it's my money.

Grand, okay. So, table quiz then, yeah?

Is that camera any good?

Yeah, it's a good camera.

Cool, we should definitely go.

How are you doing?

Has he got ID?

I have ID for you right here--

Surely you don't need ID to verify

that he's an actual child.

I didn't want to assume, you know, with all this "me too"

and the snowflakes and their global warnings.

I don't want to be hashtagged on Twitter. You know what I mean?

No.

We were hoping we could enter the table quiz?

Oh, grand, yeah. 20 euro a table.

Could we just pay for two of us?

I don't care what you do.

Next question, geography.

What colour is toilet paper in France?

A: blue,

B: magenta, or C: pink?

Why does he keep looking at us?

He's trying to psych us out, don't worry about it.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. We're heading into the final round.

But before we do, just to let you know that we have a tie,

very exciting, between The Lone Quizzer

and Team Table Number Five who are neck and neck.

- Woo! - Okay, final round.

General knowledge.

- Score. - Yeah!

- Listen. - Let's win this camera.

Question one: what is the name of the world's smallest horse?

- Thumbelina. - How do you know that?

Guinness. "Guinness Book of World Records."

Question two: who were the main characters

in "Dumb and Dumber" named after?

- Harold Lloyd. - Who?

Harold Lloyd, he was an actor in the '20s.

You're so old.

Question three: how many people currently work in Google?

- 65,000. - Duh.

The final question: who invented the flushing toilet?

It was Tommy Crapper.

No, it was Armitage Shanks or something.

No, it was Tom Crapper, I'm telling ya.

No, it was Armitage Shanks.

It's Tom Crapper, that's why it's called the crapper.

It's called the crapper because that's what comes out of you.

You know nothing about toilets.

Armitage Shanks is written on nearly every toilet.

Because it's the brand of a toilet.

I'm telling you it's Tommy Crapper!

It's Armitage Shanks!

I'm not writing that down.

Give it to me, I'll write it down.

In third place, we have Team The Two Sisters

- and Their Cousin. - Yes, deadly.

In second place, losing by one single answer,

we have Team Table Five.

Uh, sorry, lads.

It's actually the two lads from table seven.

Who for some reason are called Team Table Five.

- Oh, you don't say. - Apologies again for the confusion.

And in first place

for the 21st week in a row,

the winner is The Lone Quizzer.

Why didn't you listen to me?

I'm sorry, man, I thought it was right.

When were you ever right?

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Yeah, I know, will you...

Sarah, I will have it tomorrow.

I'll be back in Dublin tomorrow, and I'll give it to you then.

Yes, I... I know, I know.

Right, okay, yes, fair.

Tomorrow, I will see you tomorrow and I'll have it then.

Okay, thank you. Bye.

Come on, hurry up. Will you stop sulking?

Jesus Christ, Karl, I said I'm sorry.

Yeah, we're just doing the last one now.

On the road in ten. Come on, let's go.

Come on, Karl, let's go.

We're running short on time here, Karl.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't think we're gonna have enough time

to get you back for your game.

But I have to get back for the match.

Yeah, but look, with the traffic on a Friday,

I'm not gonna be able to get to Dublin and then get back to Kilkenny.

It's just not gonna happen.

Just drop me off like you promised.

We're not gonna have enough time.

But you promised me!

- It's match day! - I know, listen--

- You promised me! - I know!

- Look it, I have to-- - No, but you promised me!

- Karl, I have to get-- - I can't let the lads down.

I know, look, I have to get to Dublin.

Karl, I have to get to Dublin and get this camera to Joe.

I'm going to delete all these pictures if we don't go.

Get back here, Karl. Give me the camera.

- Stop it. - No!

Karl, Karl, give me the camera. Karl, stop.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Karl, Karl!

Karl, get back here. Karl, give me the camera.

Karl, what are you doing?

Get, just give me the camera, Karl.

Bring me to the game.

Will you stop this? I don't need this from you.

You're so stupid. That's why nobody wants you around!

I need to take those pictures to Joe, you know this.

- I'm gonna lose my job. - So annoying, and I absolutely hate you.

I just want to get back to a game

and all you're thinking about is your job.

- So selfish. - Karl, if you... Karl, don't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Al, come on.

Please.

Come on.

No, but he looks tame or under some stress.

Because of the poorer choices that my generation made.

First and foremost is debt.

Jeez, it's roasting in here, Mom.

Turn the heat off for a bit, will you?

It's my house.

Oh, I didn't know you were here.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, my phone was broken. I was in Spain.

Where's Al?

You left that poor lad with that yoke

and left me here to fix everything.

Karl, what's wrong? You all right?

They lost the final.

Ah, look, don't worry, love.

You'll win again next year.

Seriously though, where is Al?

Your brother left that poor lad at the game

and came here begging for rent.

- Useless. - He lost his job.

Oh, yeah, some job, a poster boy.

Look, don't you be worrying about Al now, Karl, he'll be grand.

The two of you, some pair I raised.

Look at the cut of you.

Mom, like jeez, I was on the radio,

like winning a competition like what did you expect me to--

You win a competition and you go running off

and leave your son with that brother of yours.

Do you know he robbed my camper van

and went on a road trip with Karl?

Took him out of school and everything.

- Took you out of school? - Yeah, what else did you expect

when you leave him with your brother?

Yeah, well, I would have left him with you

only for you haven't been answering your phone

for the last week, have ya?

Do not end up like those two. Do you hear me, Karl?

Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, Mom?

- Where is Al? - Are you hungover as well? You stink.

Yeah, of course I'm hungover. I was at the fuckin--

- Jesus, Karl. - He's not fucking useless.

He's my uncle and you made him look after me.

And you, you're his mother.

He lost his job, his home,

and all we do is put ourselves first.

Why can't we just help each other?

Why are we all so mean to each other?

- Jesus. - Karl.

Karl, I...

Al? Al?

Karl.

Karl, just go back to the road, okay?

- I don't want you to go. - I won't.

I'm not, just, just go back to the road, okay?

Please, I'm sorry. Please stay.

It's all right. Look, let's just, just go back to the road, Karl.

Please.

It's okay, let's just head back in. It's okay.

Karl!

Don't let go.

I won't.

- I'm sorry, Karl. - It's okay.

- Karl! - Karl!

- He's okay, he's all right. - I'm fine, Mom.

- I'm so sorry that I-- - What are you doing?

- Mom, Mom. - You're scaring the bejesus out of us.

- Jesus. - Talk to me.

- I'm not okay, all right? - Drinking on a bridge with a kid!

- Jesus, Aoife. - He just saved my life.

What's happened? What is going on, please?

I need help, Mom. I need help.

Why are there fireworks?

It doesn't matter.

This is how it went down.

A truck came speeding by,

I lost my balance,

and I fell off to the side.

And he just jumps out like frickin' Spider-Man.

And usually I wouldn't move. He brings me back in, brings me over,

he goes, "I just saved your life right now."

You fucking did, Al! Yes, you did!

He's a fucking hero, Mom.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, how are you getting on?

Not bad. One down.

That's not too bad. I have a little present for you.

Oh, it's all right, it's all right, I already have one.

Actually I have two.

Wait, I think Jack has one. I think the whole team has one.

Right, okay, all right. You know that's my joke, yeah?

I guess I'll just hold on to this thing then, will I?

Are you serious?

Did you bring my teacher to the game?

I hardly came to watch you play, did I?

This is bullshit. It's my day off from school.

- Language, Karl. - I forbid this.

She's so lame like. She ruins everything.

- Hi, Karl. - Oh, hi, Ms. Hughes.

I think Ms. Hughes has a present for you as well.

See what I mean? Come on, lads.

Go, Karl!

Go, yeah, yeah, go on, Karl.

- How you doin', Mom? - Good.

- Go, Karl, come on! - Yes, yes!

Come on, Karl.

- Yes, yes! - Come on!

Come on, Karl.

Fuckin' go! Yes, Karl!

Fuckin' yes!

Yeah! You won it!

Yeah, Karl!

Woo!

Where are we?

Uh, I think we're somewhere in the county Tipperary.

I thought we were here yesterday.

Yeah, I think we were as well.

We were also in Kerry yesterday, down in the kingdom.

Do you know any other accents?

We were up in Dublin the day before that, do you remember?

- Remember when we met Joe? - Oh, yeah.

- Do you know any accents? - I'm really good at accents.

- Are you? What can you do? - Yeah.

Do, right, do an English accent.

Shall we play a game of golf?

Okay, yep. Yep.

Uh, what about French?

Bonjour. Merci beaucoup.

Merde. I need to do a merde.

Uh, German?

I can't do it.

Wait no, I do know one word. Sheisse!

Uh, what about "Amurica"?

- What? - "Amurica."

Let's make America great again.

- Um-- - I got a snake in my boots.

You know a New York accent?

- New York? - New York.

You know, I'm from New York.

- Hey, how's it going? - I'm from New York.

I'm from New York.

You want to play some baseball?

Yeah, do wanna go play some ball?

♪ Duh nah nah nah, duh nah nah nah ♪

♪ Duh nah nah nah, duh nah nah nah ♪

Yeah, I guess.

Uh, what about Australian?

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

G'day mate.

G'day mate.

Uh, can you do a Chinese accent?

No, that's just racist.

- What? - It's racist.