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"O Come All Ye Faithful" playing

[low background chatter]

[music livens]

[rolling piano chords]

[loud cheers and applause]

[tinkling piano notes]

It's been months now I'm finally ready

To get back in the game

To connect in a dark corner

And then forget your name

I see my breath in the air before me

But that's not 'cause it's cold

Your body moves and it tells a story

That's been dying to be told

In the dark of the night

I feel like I've been locked up tight

For centuries

That's history

Want you to make me come alive

- Also, it's Christmas -[cheers and applause]

Did I mention that it's Christmas in this club?

Also, it's Christmas

Tonight is the night we celebrate his son

It's Christmas, yeah, yeah, yeah

Christmas

It's Christmas

Everyone, tonight, it is Christmas.

[audience whooping]

I walk up to a gay stranger

I whisper right in his ear

Some small talk

Say, "It's been a warm winter

But it's warmer in here"

With your hands, with your eyes

You speak to me without your voice

Intoxicate, alleviate

I want to feel you from inside

- Also, it's Christmas -[cheers and applause]

It is December 25th, that is today

Also, it's Christmas

Now every year

They will play this song seasonally

On Christmas, yeah, yeah, yeah

Christmas

Oh!

Late at night we can take advantage

Of this situation

We're both here

Let's let go of whatever we fear

Let's have sex is what I'm getting at

But shh, do you hear that sound?

The sound of children opening gifts?

Oh!

Also, it's Christmas

Do you still want to fuck or is it weird?

Also, it's Christmas

I forgot to mention

That my sister and her kids are here

For Christmas

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Christmas

Christmah-ah

Ah-ahs

Merry Christmas

[cheers and applause]

Hi.

My name is Matt Rogers, and I am thrilled

to be releasing an album on Christmas.

Team Matt Rogers.

As you've been made aware over an all-caps email

that I sent you all, we're gonna be pivoting

from comedy and acting to recording artist.

I think we can all agree that's gonna be a lot easier.

And my question is what do recording artists do?

-Movies. -No.

-Pilot? -No.

They release Christmas albums.

Mm.

That is how you stay annually relevant

and make money every single year.

Money is a really good point.

I think we can all agree, money.

So massive rebrand.

I want to be synonymous with the color red,

the festivity scenes that you see in the mall

or in front of people's houses, Santa Claus--

You know, I believe some nations

will call him Papa Christmas.

We should find that out for international.

Snow. Huge.

Yeah, so I love it. I think our one concern

was just that you're not a pop star,

which would make it difficult to just sort of put out

a Christmas album. But I do love and think

-that it otherwise works. -[snaps fingers]

Way ahead of you as always.

When we think of Christmas and money,

where are we headed? What's our North Pole?

North star, I think you mean actually.

Mariah. She is Christmas.

She is the authority on this holiday.

So we need her to come out,

crown me the prince of Christmas--

Easy. Done. The whole special makes sense.

So are you saying you want us to book

Mariah Carey for the special?

Yes.

Excited to brainstorm ways to make this work.

[knocks on table]

Who thinks they know the story of Santa Claus?

Well, think again.

Every year

The story is always the same

There's too many presents

To fit in the big bag on the sleigh

Shoot

And every year

Santa knows just what to say

When all of the elves claim

The bag's way too tight

And maybe we shouldn't do this tonight

Santa gets crafty 'cause Santa knows

He goes to his tool shed

He goes to get the lube

For the sleigh

Nobody asks why Santa has so much lube

Lube for the sleigh

The lube

For the sleigh

Break out the gun oil and fire away

Cover the presents in lube

Lube for the sleigh

-[music livens] -It's about to be

a disco Christmas, motherfuckers.

Are you ready?

This year

The kids have been extra good

There's so many presents

So there's gonna be so much lube

Elves break their backs making presents all year

But this Christmas they don't have to fear

Because there's lube

For the sleigh

It sort of makes sense

But it's weird to think about

Because Santa's old, right?

He needs lube for his sleigh

The lube

For the sle-eigh-eigh-eigh

Santa saves Christmas then dicks down his wife

Lube on the presents tonight

Lube for the sleigh

And in the midnight hour

On one of Santa's breaks

Donner and Blitzen

They find themselves all alone

And in a moment of pure attraction

That's when those reindeers recognize

"Oh, my God, we really are animals

"Thank God we have

Lu-u-u-u-ube

Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh

There's lube, oh, ah, oh, oh

The luuuuuube

Ooh oooh hoo

Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh

- There's lube -[all] Oh, ah, oh, oh

Lu-uu

Uuube

Nobody asks why Santa

Has so much lube

Lube

For the sleigh

[cheers and applause]

The man has many secrets. More on him later.

We're some lucky individuals as well,

because we are joined

by the talented Henry Koperski on the keys.

My collaborator on this show. My friend.

I want to start the following speech

with simply two words.

Human connection.

[soft piano music starts]

We've lost it.

Somewhere along the way,

human connection has faltered among us.

Now, I don't know about you,

but I wait all year for Christmas

because I think it's an opportunity

to connect with one another in the name of the spirit.

But lately,

when I'm walking these streets of New York,

I find that in my attempts

to connect with people on the street,

I fail.

I'll be walking by a stranger

and I'll try to find their eyes.

I'll try to say, "Hello!"

And they'll walk right by me.

And we miss each other.

And I'm discouraged by it, you know?

It distresses me.

I want it to change.

That's why tonight I'm issuing a challenge.

The next time you are walking the streets of New York,

I want you to go up to a stranger,

grab them by the shoulders, and shake them.

And I want you to ask them a question.

I want you to ask them this question.

Have you heard of

Christmas?

Have you heard of

Christmas?

Sometimes it feels like you don't know

What Christmas is

At all

Have you heard of Christmas?

Have you heard of

[mutters, shivers]

Day after day

We turn the channels

And we try to tune it out

That sound of pain

That we cause to each other

At times it can feel

Like we're fighting just to reach out

And feel something

It's like we've forgotten

That one thing we all have in common

Have you heard of Christmas?

It's when children gather round

Have you heard of Christmas?

[chuckles]

We all know that Christmas sound

Christmas sounds like ooh, ooh, ooh

Christmas sounds like ooh, ooh, ooh

Have you heard of Christmas?

Have you heard of Christmas?

You know, some people say

We've lost the meaning

Of what Christmas is all about

I would have to agree

And we can't let politics or religion

Nothing stand in our way

Of celebrating Christmas now

I absolutely know what Christmas is

Yes, I do

And I'm gonna tell you all about it

Have you heard of Christmas? Uh

It's the day that Jesus died

Have you heard of Christmas?

That was the night

That those five disciples cried

They cried together like, ooh, ooh, ooh

The dolls, they were crying.

The dolls were like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh"

Have you heard of Christmas?

Have you heard of Christmas?

Santa and Jesus

They were best, best friends

They knew each other

Way back in college at Bethlehem

They knew each other like ooh, ooh, ooh

They were like Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Honestly, I have not been to church

In a very long

Tiiiiiiime

[cheers and applause]

Have you heard of Christmas?

It's when Moses did the lake

Have you heard of Christmas?

That was the night

That they made St. Nick a saint

Have you heard of Christmas?

That's when Noah built his boat

Have you heard of Christmas?

It's when you see that cousin

That you wanna fuck but you don't

Sometimes it can feel like you don't know

What Christmas is at all

And I will admit that I do not know

What Christmas is

At all

But I've heard of Christmas

We have all...

At least heard of

Christmas

And suddenly it seems

We all have something in common after all

Have you heard of Christmas?

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh

[Katie 1] Okay. Okay.

What if we tricked her into thinking

-you're Billy Eichner? -I'm me.

Why would I want to be fucking Billy Eichner?

He's so loud.

She already has a Christmas gay and it's him.

[Matt] I am the Christmas gay!

Okay, I'm not saying that we kidnap her.

But what if we hire someone to get her?

Oh, what, so I can be famous from jail?

What is it, 2008? That's not chic anymore.

[Katie 4] Wait, speaking of 2008,

Jessica Simpson is in the lobby right now.

She would love to do it.

She put out a Christmas album once.

No. Tell her thank you, but no.

Hey, Mama...

[door closes] It's a no this year.

Girls, I have a major press event in an hour.

I have to leave. But none of this works

unless Mariah Carey herself, the queen of Christmas,

anoints me the prince.

Okay? It has to happen.

That has to happen.

dramatic chords

And now, a spoken word moment.

[softly] Where are you, Christmas?

Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter you used to bring me?

Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing.

I'm rearranging.

Does that mean

Christmas changes too?

Please clap.

Thank you. I just performed

that poem terrifically.

But here's the thing about performance--

a performer is only as good

as the material that he, she, or they are given to perform.

And I would like to make an announcement

about that piece.

It was written by none other than Mariah Carey.

It's entitled "Where Are You Christmas?"

And you may recognize it

from the seminal Christmas classic

Grinch.

So this poem or song

that's featured in the film Grinch,

Mariah was commissioned to write it

because the filmmakers of Grinch, Jim Carrey,

they said,

"Mariah, what we need is we need a song

from the perspective of young Cindy Lou Who."

I do this 'cause she's about that tall.

"We need a song that says something

about seeing, as you mature, Christmas change--

the meaning of Christmas become a little bit different

as you get older."

So impressed were the filmmakers of Grinch--

Jim Carrey-- that they said to Mariah,

"Could you potentially write more songs

from other characters' perspective in the film?"

And Mariah said, "I'll take that on."

And so she watched and early rough cut

of the film Grinch.

And she immediately connected

with one character in particular.

That character's name is Martha May Whovier.

She is, of course, the only single adult woman

in all of Whoville.

She's portrayed by the very sexy actress

Christine Baranski in the film.

Christine hive is here. We love.

And so she wrote a song that was ultimately cut.

Now, while I'm not permitted to perform

"Where Are You Christmas?"

or "All I Want for Christmas is You" tonight,

Mariah did make an exception

for this cut song from Grinch the film

because she never recorded it.

I will be the first to perform it here tonight.

Are you amenable to that?

Fantastic, as they say.

Now, in order to sort of get into it--

I'm sorry, actor thing--

I do have to sort of become her.

So just give me a second to become her.

soft piano notes

Perfect, I'd say.

So what we are going for here

is sort of a MILF with no kids look.

I would like everyone to remember

that this song was written in the year 2000

when Mariah was beginning to experiment

with her new sound of R&B music.

Character met form, and the following happened.

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Got this jacuzzi runnin'

Hottest female up in the land

Oh, oh

I think your wife is callin'

I'm the Who who's screwin' her man

Mad drippage down my neck, that's my Who jewels

These men are dialin' up, actin' straight fools

He wants some Martha May Who

That's why he's not witchu

I'm the only hot Who up in Whoville

Men know if their wife won't I will

He's tryna get this Martha May Who

Whoville sex is what I do

Courvosier by the case straight killa

Ice pussy, I'm the Whoville thrilla

I heard there's a Grinch

I'ma definitely fuck this Grinch

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Got this jacuzzi runnin'

Hottest female up in the land

Oh, oh

My wardrobe looks stunnin'

I'ma absolutely fuck the Grinch

And I can't help that men like me

Y'all chickens giving me side eye

But I know if you got to know me

You would surely be surprised

Something that I desperately crave

Is female friendship

If you actually think about it

This situation is very, very sad

Courvosier by the case straight killa

Ice pussy, I'm the Whoville thrilla

And I know when I see this Grinch

His dick is 'bout to grow three sizes

If you relate to this character

You can probably understand me when I say

It's hard to call myself a feminist

Because of the social climate

In which I exist

Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

end chords

Uh, can't take credit for that one.

Mariah Carey wrote that. Can't possibly take credit.

So, while I am sort of

embodying the female characters of the Christmas lore,

I think I'd like to keep doing that.

Um...

I think we can all probably agree

that the most famous Christmas female

-is probably Mrs. Claus, right? -[applause]

Yeah, we all know her.

Or do we?

We know an idea of her. We could draw her.

But do we know...

Kristin?

Kristin Giordano.

Of Syosset, New York.

In the words of Mariah, we don't know her.

And I think that's sad.

I mean, she is this female icon of Christmas

that we pretend to celebrate,

and I just think it's wrong

that we know nothing about her true story.

So I took it upon myself as a musical artist...

...to sit down and really just put pen to paper

and try to draw out a person that made sense to me

based on the information that we do have.

gentle piano chords

You've been bad

I know that when you

And your reindeer boys gear up

That you'll look back

You'll say, "It's 24 hours. I'll see ya later"

But I did the math

I bet you thought that I would not be

Capable of that

But I bought a calculator

And it would take

Five hundred and thirty trillion

Seven hundred and forty-five billion

Two hundred and thirty-three million hours

To see every house in the world

So where do you go when you leave?

Every Christmas Eve

Because I know you are lying to me

Santa Claus, you got caught

Where do you go when you leave?

Every Christmas Eve

Every Christmas I sit at home

I'm wondering which one

Which of the world's nations houses the woman

Who stole my husband, stole my whole life

There are so many nations, I read

There's eight hundred and forty-five thousand billion

Twenty-two million, two hundred six thousand

Twenty eight trillion and two hundred billion

Countries in the world

So where do you go when you leave?

Every Christmas Eve

Because I know you are lying to me, Nick

I looked it up.

Santa "Claus," you got caught

Where do you go when you leave?

Every Christmas Eve

You used to teach second grade

I used to think you never even really had

Dreams at all before this

I didn't go to college out of high school

I went to the North Pole

But still I stay the course

Because if I left

What would the whole world say?

But I think I'm leaving you anyway

'Cause there are

Six hundred and ninety-eight billion billion

Forty and two and six-ninety fafillion

Other men in the world

And if that sounds wrong, I don't care

They won't lie to me when they leave

Not every Christmas Eve

Like I know you've been lying to me

Santa Claus, you got caught

[loudly] Where do you go when you leave

Every Christmas Eve?

From now on you're done hurting me

Every Christmas Eve

[softly] I did the math

I bet you thought that I would not be

Capable of that

end chords

You know, I have a feeling her instincts are right.

Her math is definitely wrong.

Um, at this time,

I would like to address sort of an elephant in the room.

The elephant is currently playing piano.

His name is Henry Koperski. Give it up one more time.

The truth is

that Henry and I used to be a little bit of an item.

We used to be a little bit of a thing for two and a half years.

Um...

Henry's a lovely person, but it had to end

because the thing about Henry-- can you put ear muffs?

Ear muffs.

The thing about Henry is he didn't fucking get it.

Who is dating someone

and they just don't fucking get it?

You guys know what I'm saying? They don't fucking get it.

It's, like, you just--

there's parts of it that are good,

you want to make it work,

and--but they just don't fucking get it.

And where do you go from there?

It's just, like-- you can take them off now.

He would take me to these fucked up

stupid fucking places.

I was like, "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Like, the way he's, like, taking me to these joints--

like, he just didn't get it.

And so I forced him to write a song with me

about our relationship,

and we're gonna perform it right here.

Here we go.

[vocalizes]

Yeah, yeah

funky music

Ooh

Heard you say you had a surprise

A reservation really nice?

No

And ooh why you tryna mess around?

Why you taking me downtown?

No, no

Because I'm dressed up

Not nice but warm

If you wanna marry me

You better listen to this

So-oo-oo-oo-ong

I wanna go where they film mad things

Bump into people accidentally

At RockafellaCenta

Yes, yes

RockafellaCenta

I wanna watch the people ice skating

Look up at a tree that is so big

At RockafellaCenta, you know the one

RockafellaCenta [gasps]

I wanna see Jimmy Fallon come out the building

Because that's where he works

I wanna see Al Roker come out the building

Because that's where he works

I wanna see Jenna Bush Hager

Come out the building

Because that's where she works

And I wanna see the big, the big, the big

The big, big, big tree, tree at RockafellaCenta

Is that Hoda?

RockafellaCenta, it is Hoda

RockafellaCenta, uh

Wish I could live at the Centa

Hi, girl.

It's mostly about the tree

That's what it's really about for me

Tree at RockafellaCenta

Mikey Day?

RockafellaCenta

God bless RockafellaCenta

- Rockafella... -[all] Centa.

Centa

-[bell rings] -All right, guys,

so today, instead of reading,

we're gonna do a little Christmas treat, okay?

We have a really special guest coming in.

Is it Santa Claus?

Ho, ho.

The fuck's that?

Y'all, it's Matt Rogers, Christmas icon.

Ho, ho!

It's actually-- there's three "hos"

Like, it's, like, "ho, ho, ho."

Ho.

Got all excited for Santa

or at least someone pretending to be Santa.

Even if Santa's...

Yeah, we don't need to say it.

[student] Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you, Miss Peters

for allowing me to come in here today

and give you little ones a special gift.

Little ones? We're ten. Don't be condescending.

Okay, um...

Well...

I am a recording artist.

Does anybody know what that means?

Yes.

Evidently, it's someone who talks down to people

like they're fools.

Okay, seriously, what is the problem here?

Because, um...

did you not tell them what was happening?

No.

I'm like a huge fan of the podcast.

Miss Peters, you are so basic.

Stop. You embarrass yourself.

Thank you for that.

Okay, well, everyone, I'm a singer.

And I've been thinking a lot about you kids nowadays.

Because I think it stinks

that there are so many Christmas songs

but there are no Christmas lullabies.

-Jesus! -[groans]

So what I did is I wrote a Christmas lullaby,

and I'm gonna debut it for you all right now.

[chuckles]

Yes, little queen.

So can I just ask,

is this a press opportunity for you?

'Cause coming here with a camera crew and everything,

telling us you're gonna give us a gift--

your energy's very selfish.

I'm feeling a little...used.

Yeah, like, do your thing. You're already here.

But we just want to get real clear

about the fact that this is for you

and not a "gift" for us before you do your little song.

Clown.

Okay.

Well, this song is called "Snowflakes,"

and it goes a little something like this.

- Ooh, s-- -Uh, excuse me.

It's a chop.

But whatever you're looking for,

we hope you find it.

[shudders] Ooh! Ohh!

Suddenly, it just got very cold on stage.

You know? It's very cold. Henry, aren't you cold?

Do brr. Do brr. Act.

Man, it's so chilly.

I think what I might need is some body heat up here.

So I'm gonna invite a couple of my friends.

Everybody give it up

for the talented Josh Sharp and Aaron Jackson!

You were there the whole time?

Thanks for coming to the show, doll.

Hi.

-Wow! -Thanks for being

-on the show, guys. -Merry Christmas.

[together] Merry Christmas.

So, wait, let's just get into it, shall we?

The question on everyone's minds and lips...

[Aaron] Yeah.

What are you guys doing for the holidays?

Are you going back home and seeing some family?

-[both] Yes. -Is that what's happening?

-Absolutely. -[Aaron] That's happening.

My family actually has this really fun tradition.

-Okay. -Every Christmas we do, um,

a White Elephant gift exchange.

-I love that. -I love White Elephant

'cause you can do the trade--

-The stealing, yes. -The steals.

Yeah, I love to steal.

And, um, it's so interesting, though,

because, like, every year I'll be opening a present--

I'll be opening mine, and, you know, I'll, like,

hold out, you know, the socks or something funny like that.

-Yeah. -And then everyone

in the family will turn to me,

and they'll look at me and they'll say,

"In your relationship,

who is the man and who is the woman?"

-Well, that seems... -I don't like that.

-Random. -It's so crazy.

And I'm like, "First of all,

we prefer the terms hole and pole."

But I just wanna say, I really love the tradition

and I love the White Elephant. -[Matt] Of course.

Uh, my family actually has a tradition, too.

-[Aaron] Oh! -[Matt] Okay.

So we do this thing where we eat a meal.

-Oh, my gosh. -Classic.

Yes, it's like this big meal. And there's, like--

everybody's there and there's all these sides.

But I find that always, like, I'm, like, digging into the--

you know, the Christmas turkey...

-Yeah. -And I'm, like, sucking out--

I've got the big leg in my mouth and they're like,

"Is this what sucking a cock is like?" they say to me.

-[Aaron] Oh, my God. -Hello, microaggression.

Right. Very microaggressive.

-Very microaggressive. -And I'm like,

"First of all, no. Cocks aren't cooked."

-Yeah. -Duh.

-Famously raw. -Oh, the rawest.

And then also, they don't ask it

of anyone else, and I'm like,

"A lot of these girls suck cock.

Quite frankly, I'm not the only one."

-[Matt] They do. -But they ask only me that.

I would imagine they suck cock.

But the meal is so fun.

-[Aaron] Yum. -And there's so many

kids there.

There are so many kids. It's mostly kids.

Yeah, um, so for me, I guess--

-Oh, my God, Matt. -Matt, oh, my God.

-Don't cry. -What's up?

It's just been really hard for me

with my extended family and the climate.

And just, like-- I don't know, girls.

Hey, girl, what's the matter?

Feels like you done lost that shine

-[mouthing] I did? -[Josh] It's like every

Year when Christmas comes around

You always lose your mind

Is it your job or your man or your occupation

That's getting you down?

We're your girls

You can tell us now

Well, first let me say

You are my very best friends

And I know that when you address me as girl

You know that I'm a man

[together] Yeah, yeah

But, honestly, this Christmas

I am feeling kind of strange

I don't wanna hear my relatives say

[together] We think you're wrong

We think that you're not right

You're liberal and gay

And we don't wanna hear a thing you say

Hey, girl, and, of course, I mean man

I know where you're at

But I promise you that whatever goes down

I'ma have your back

Oh, my God.

[together] I'ma have your back

This Christmas

I'll be by your side

I'ma have your back this Christmas

And for all your life

Even if they try to tell you

Donald Trump is still president

And they do.

And you pop off and they kick you out

[together] I'ma have your back

Ooh, girl, that makes me feel so good

You are my support system

Please plan for me to come to your house

I hate my fucking family

And I'm gonna fight with them

Hey, girl, and, of course, I mean man

Yeah, yeah

Just remember that you aren't

- Necessarily... -[together] Right or wrong

There are always two sides

And even though you're gay

It doesn't mean they're antagonizing

Girl, I see your perspective

But if I don't like one thing that my uncle says

I'ma burn his house down

And you will have my back, here we go

I'ma have your back this Christmas

I'll be by your side

I'ma have your back this Christmas

And for all your life

Even if I go on a full-on rampage

'Cause of a political disagreement

You will tell the police I was at your house

You will have my back

[both] Girl, no

We will not lie to the police

-What? - I'm your friend

But I won't go to jail for you

-[Josh] Not again, Mama. -Some friends.

- But, girl... - But girl...

And by girl I mean--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

If there's a way to get away with arson

Then tell us what we gotta do

First you gotta wait

-Till they're on... -[together] Vacation

Then you sneak inside the house

You get a pickle jar

And some newspaper laying around

- Mama, write this down -Okay.

The you gotta fill the pickle jar with...

[together] Water

You surround it with the newspaper

You put it in a sunny room

And say, "Bitch, see you later"

[together] "I'ma have your back

This Christmas

I'll be by your side

I'ma have your back this Christmas

And for all your life

I will not go to prison for you

But I can help you do your thing

And burn

- Burn - Burn

Down a house

Ooh, girl

We are men, we are men, we are men, we are men

I'ma have

Your back

We are

Radical

Ized

Josh Sharp, Aaron Jackson, everybody.

[Josh] Thank you.

I'm gonna steal this mic and take it home.

Be a dear and take those mics.

-I'm gonna take this mic home. -Merry Christmas.

Henry Koperski on that one, everybody.

Whoo!

Uh. You know what?

With friends like that, an audience like this,

and a holiday like tonight,

I just know that God might be up to his tricks.

upbeat music

Tell me a story.

There's a magic boy and his name is God

He sits up on a cloud and gets down to his job

He says, "Okay, my children

Who wants bliss?"

Then he cracks his big old knuckles

And God gets up to his tricks

Let's make the wind blow the snow around

Deck the halls

Let's fill the children's ears with Christmas sound

Because I am God

I am real, I am real, I am real, I am real

And I'm feeling some type of way

Ooh, God, you got up

To some fabulous wah-wah-wah-wah

Tricks today

But did you know that God can also be a bitch?

He likes to bring a tragedy at bad times

And be like, "You're gonna actually lose

Your whole home"

And then nothing good happens

You just lose your home, he says

Let's send a phone call with weird news

About your mom's health

Shoot.

Let's kill the family dog so suddenly

Because life is suffering

I am real, I am real, I am real, I am real

And I'm feeling my oats today

Ooh, God, you got up

To some nasty little freaky, daddy, ooh!

Tricks today

Here we go.

Sometimes God can send a plentiful blessing

God can make us say, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Sometimes God can try to fuck up your whole life

God can make us say...

"Well, I don't fucking know at this point."

But we are grateful

For everything he does equally

I am a person who actually believes this

And in every election

I reliably vote

Let's sing the sing songs

And dance the dance

But stop to pray

Say thanks for water and thank you

For that thing where you get

Sudden intense rectal pain

He is real, he is real, he is real, he is real

And he's feeling some type of way

Ooh, God, you got up

To some incredible

Tricks today

Ooh, God, you stupid bitch.

You got up to some tricks

Today

I just want to apologize about earlier

and thank you all for the hard work that you do.

But, since we last spoke

and I had my major press appearance,

I have turned to prayer.

And I don't know if it's

all the Christmas in my life lately,

but I did just have a very real conversation with God.

And what he said to me-- and it is a he--

so I'm so sorry about that.

But he basically said to me--

It's a hard no from Mariah.

[glass shatters]

Uh, how hard is hard?

Rock. Rock hard.

Like, imagine you saw Orlando Bloom at the gym,

which I did two weeks ago. I had to leave the gym.

-[chuckles] -Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm just--I'm processing.

Um, so this whole thing is moot?

-It's void, it's... -It's moot.

[toilet flushes]

Gah! Ugh.

Oh. I'm so sorry to disturb you.

Hi.

I'm Bowen Yang. [chuckles]

Bowen, I know.

It's me, Matt.

Your best friend. And we do a podcast.

Oh, I'm so sorry. [chuckles]

I can't see a thing without these glasses on.

Blind as a bat without them.

Little known fact about me, Bowen Yang--

without these I can't see at all.

Well, you should really wear your glasses, then.

I'm hiding from my team.

Got a six-hour meeting to go over

all my opportunities in film and television.

They even want me to do a Christmas album.

-[chuckles] -[runs water]

Wait, what?

They want you to do a Christmas album?

Like, I know, right? Who do they think I am?

Some craven, money-hungry fame whore

who wants attention year after year,

benefiting from the Christian industrial complex? No.

But I'll probably still do it.

Because I do know the true meaning of Christmas.

Well, what is it?

soft music plays ]

Family.

It's family, Matt.

[door closes]

pensive piano music

[whispering] Family.

So I have one more song.

-Aw... -No!

I need to go.

Before I do get into it...

I just wanted to say thank you to, um, a few people.

First, I would like to say thank you to all of you

for being here.

That means a lot to me, so thanks.

I want to say thanks to Joe's Pub.

It used to be my dream

to just, like, see a show here.

And then to do my own is cool.

I have to say thank you to Henry Koperski

because I'm just very lucky

to be able to work with someone as brilliant as you,

and we've just come a long way, so it's nice to have you here.

And I couldn't have done it without you.

And this last one is, um... [sniffles]

it's just less of a thank you and more of a reminder

to not take anybody for granted

because...[sniffles] there's two people

that are not here tonight

because they're just not around.

Oh, they are here? Okay.

[sighs] It's my parents. And they're here, yeah.

I did tell you to text if you were gonna come.

Do the one about them being alive.

They have given me so much.

And I thought the way that I could truly repay you

was by using my talent to give you something.

So this is a song that I wrote just for you.

How did I get this lucky?

How did I get

The best parents in the world?

My sister and me

We were drawn out the lottery

Bet your bottom dollar, yeah, yeah

Mm mm

And you still love her

And you still love me

And you still make it rain

On Christmas

You always have

A check for me

You still make it rain

On Christmas

Rainin'

All over your gay son

Every year

You take me vacation

I love you

Don't ever get poor

I need $60

[chuckles]

It's for my Verizon bill

'Cause you're here

I thought I would just say...

[laughs]

Otherwise you can save up for my birthday

'Cause I need a coat

I would like a coat

You still make it rain

On Christmas

You always

Cut that fat fucking check for me

You still make it rain

On Christmas

Rainin'

All over your gay son

Do you remember the year

You got me a PlayStation 2?

When it has just come out.

I love you

Don't ever get poor

But, seriously, I love you

And I would be nothing without you

And if I'm any good at being me

It's 'cause all my life I could see

Two people

Who knew how to save

And thank God you did

Because I think I need you to pay for

My therapist

You still make it rain

On Christmas

You always cut

That fat fucking check for me

You still make it rain

On Christmas

Rainin'

All over your only gay son

And every year you take me

On a sick Orlando vacation

Oh, I love you

Don't ever get poor

I love you

Please do your best to never become poor

I love you

Don't ever get

Po-oo

Ooooor

[cheers and applause]

upbeat piano

[piano music continues]

cheerful, jaunty music

-[electricity crackling] -[flies buzzing]