Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[Katy Perry's "Cozy Little Christmas"]

[car horn honks] - ♪ Everybody's in a hurry ♪

- Ah, Christmas.

- ♪ Shopping till they're droppin' in the snow ♪

- The most magical time of the year.

- ♪ Kids are cryin', dogs are barkin' ♪

- A truly wondrous time,

a time when all our wishes come true

in fairy-tale land.

[dramatic music]

But this isn't a fairy tale,

and Christmas is a horseshit holiday

that makes us all feel like crap

and reminds us of what's wrong in our lives.

[car honks] [tires screech]

[metallic crunch]

That's why I'm here.

Welcome back, KLDA listeners.

I'm Emily Harris and you're listening to "Ask Emily."

Oh, it looks like we have time

for one more sad Christmas caller who needs my help.

Hi, you're on the line with Emily.

What's your name, and what's your problem?

- Uh, hi.

My name is Greg and I have sort of an awkward question.

- Awkward.

Mm, that's my specialty. Lay it on me.

- My girlfriend's parents have been calling me Craig

for two years, but it's Greg.

Do I correct them? - Yes, you correct them!

Also, real quick, if the holidays isn't the time

to get a little passive-aggressive,

then I don't know when is.

Greg, here's what you're gonna do.

You're going to go out and get yourself

a custom Christmas sweater with your actual name,

Greg, front and center.

- Oh, my God, that's genius.

Can I write,

"No one likes your fruitcake" on the back?

- Fruitcake? You talking about fraudcake?

Yeah, you write that too, on the back in lights--

- Out of my chair, Harris.

- Uh--one, test, test. - Who's this?

- Uh, that's the new intern,

and we're just testing the audio.

It sounds great. - Yeah, whatever.

Listen.

Queue up that new music I sent you this morning.

It totally sings.

- Yeah, you got it. You're on in two.

- [clears throat]

- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

- What's up, what's up, what's up, New York City?

You're listening to KLDA 93.3,

your choice for music, news, celeb gossip, and me,

Ken "Spicy Ay-yi-yi" Spicer!

Now we're going to go straight to the phone lines

for your favorite Christmas tradition, "Dear Santa."

I mean, it's my last week. [chuckles]

Okay? I can do what I want.

- Ugh, only four more days of this song.

[festive hip-hop music]

- Well, there'll be no avoiding tonight,

because tonight's the big night.

- Yeah.

- Em, you know Ken is deciding tonight

on who's taking over his slot, okay?

You got to strap on your boss pants

and pitch him "Ask Emily" tonight at the Christmas party.

- Mm-hmm. - Right?

He's never gonna know that you

want to be a DJ unless you tell him.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Okay. So what's your plan?

- Oh, I was hoping you would ask.

So my plan is to keep all my wishes to myself,

so I'm never embarrassed or disappointed.

- See you tonight, coward.

And don't forget to wear your sparkly dress.

- I would never forget to wear my sparkly dress.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ ♪

No.

♪ ♪

[Mykola Leontovych's "Carol of the Bells"]

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- [clears throat]

You gave the kid a LEGO Tokyo Skyline.

- Uh, yeah.

- He asked for a scooter!

- Okay, I did that kid a favor, all right?

And if he had any taste, he would know that.

- Do you know how many complaint letters

we've gotten about you?

You know how the big man feels about being selfish.

He is not happy, so here's what we're gonna do.

We are assigning you to the Lost Souls Department.

- No! Lost Souls?

Nah, nah, nah, I'm not good with talking with people.

- Mm, you don't say.

- No, I don't like people like that, okay?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - I can't--I can't do it.

- So here's what you're gonna do.

You are going to work with, listen to,

and actually help your assigned human,

and learn not to be so selfish.

Or you are getting reassigned to work for...

♪ ♪

The Tooth Fairy. [all gasp]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I want to be beautiful ♪

♪ Want to be beautiful ♪

- Okay, okay!

- ♪ I want to be so much more ♪

- [sighs] Not bad, Harris.

Boris!

You think all the boys at the Christmas party

is gonna like my outfit?

[cat meows]

- Well, KLDA listeners,

looks like we're gonna need a little liquid courage

to do anything cool tonight!

[Arin Maya's "I Want To Be Beautiful"]

A little more eggnog for your girl.

♪ ♪

Wow. Completely out.

It's not even worth drinking that.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

Adult booze it is.

You're grown anyway, girl.

Get you a little.

Mm, mm, mm.

Ugh! There it goes.

There it is. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Okay. Cool Emily.

Cool Emily is coming to the party.

Okay, okay.

You look him right in the eye with all of your confidence

and you say--you say, um...

[clears throat]

Ken, baby.

Listen up, okay?

I want to take over for you

with my groundbreaking advice show, "Ask Emily."

The ratings are gonna spike so high,

you'll think you're on cocaine again,

but in a good way.

Come on, baby, Ken!

You and I both know I'm too good to be producing

somebody else's show.

What do you say?

The wink is what's gonna sell it.

It's the--you're gonna get your show.

You're gonna get your show,

and Christmas is not gonna suck for once.

Let's go!

[phone ringing]

- Ugh, Mom.

Why is she always calling me?

[phone ringing]

- It's finally happened!

We're finalists for the annual Glen Ridge

Christmas Tree Decorating Contest!

Linda's gonna eat my dust!

I just need you to come for the party.

- Oh, absolutely not. That's never gonna happen.

Definitely working all day.

- I won't take no for an answer.

See you tomorrow.

- No, you won't!

- And don't bring that hideous silver thing

that makes you look like a burrito.

- ♪ Yeah, I want to be beautiful ♪

- Can't wait to put her in a home.

- ♪ I want to be beautiful ♪

- ♪ Merry Christmas ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Merry Christmas ♪ - ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

- Hey!

I thought we were both wearing our sparkly dresses.

- I had a dry cleaning emergency.

But, a little sparkle.

There. Now we look exactly alike.

- Exactly. - We're like Tia and Tamera.

- Ladies!

Nice to see you.

Shouldn't I be wearing that crown?

- Why is that, Janice?

Because you're the queen of kissing Ken's ass?

- It's obvious Ken's gonna name me his replacement.

- Okay, we all know how you got your job, Janice.

You give your knee pads a rest tonight?

- Oh, good one.

You should know by now that I get everything I want, okay?

Cute dress, though.

I like the zipper. It's cute.

- Ugh.

No, I know, I know, I know.

I'm gonna ask Ken. I will.

I'm gonna ask him, but, like--

look, for now let's just concentrate on getting

really drunk, really fast.

- Yes, oh, yes. Right here.

- Focus on that. - Hi.

- Hey, hi.

- Ah! - And to boobs.

♪ ♪

both: Ugh!

- It's in the throat, you know what I mean?

Just like, mm.

- OMG.

It's the hot IT guy.

He's standing there at the buffet.

Alone.

- Hey!

Not for long. Hold this.

♪ ♪

Hey.

- Emily! Fun party.

- Thank you, you look-- oh, you didn't say--

- What? - Nice sweater.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I--uh-oh, mistletoe.

- Hmm.

- You know, maybe we should--

uh, do you--you don't have a cat, right?

Because cats are allergic to mistletoe, so...

Stay alert, stay alive.

Bye! - Bye.

♪ ♪

[toilet flushing]

- Come on, Emily, spit it out. Just say it.

- You say something?

- [laughs]

Ken, I was, um--

It's just that I know that--

Ken, what I want you to--

I've had to pee all night, you know?

- Good to know.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, what happened? - I don't know.

I don't know what happened.

I just--like, how do people do this?

Like, I know I'm supposed to ask Ken for the on air job,

and I choked.

And I know I'm supposed to try to make out

with the hottie under the mistletoe,

and I choked at that too.

And it just feels like all of my words get stuck

in my throat, and I can't--

Like, what do you do-- how do you do--

how does anyone do any of this?

I just feel like every single thing I do is so wrong.

Hey, um, can I have a nogtini, please?

- Sorry. That guy got the last of them.

- [laughs] Love nogtinis.

- Gosh. Cheers.

- That butt-kissing Janice got my nogtini?

She ain't getting my job. Not at all.

I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna--

I'm gonna demand it, and I'm--

I'm--here I go.

♪ ♪

- Emily, you're still standing here.

- [whispering] My feet.

- All right, let's do this.

Okay everyone, hey, come on.

Gather round, gather round. Listen up.

So I was gonna do this after the holiday,

but hell, it's Christmas.

Anyway, we figured out who's gonna replace me.

- It's gonna be Janice.

- As you can imagine, the choice was clear.

So get ready

for "The Dish with Janice"!

[laughs] There you go!

Let's dance.

Here we go.

- Boo! - Boo.

- I already hate your show.

- You're the only one not dancing.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

- Santa, mind your business, okay?

Also, you have never brought me anything I've ever asked for.

- Well, why don't you put it in a letter then, drunky?

♪ ♪

- Oh, you gonna go with him.

Real supportive.

Hey, can you, um-- can you give me something

to make me forget tonight?

- Try that.

- Thank you, but keep them coming.

- You got it. - Mm, mm.

[gags] Yeah.

- Pure elf's blood. - Oh, mm.

Nah, you acting shy.

One and two, and, and...

And do the step.

- Look at the babies.

Hi!

Merry Christmas!

What are you doing?

You guys writing your letters?

About your hopes, and your dreams,

and your Christmas wishes, and--

ooh, Santa's gonna deliver my Christmas wishes.

Lies, children!

- Ma'am, please.

- Lies! They need to know.

Santa doesn't grant you anything.

He didn't grant me my job, and I want to--look at her!

She got my job.

How'd they get that up so quick?

And I didn't even get to make out with the IT guy!

When's the last time you make out with somebody, hm?

- You can't be here without kids.

- Oh!

All of a sudden, I ain't got a kid.

I can't have a baby?

I have a child, and his name--

it's Timothy.

- You're drunk. - You're drunk!

And his name is Thomas, and he would

really appreciate-- so I'm gonna go ahead

and I'm gonna get-- - Excuse me?

Sis, I will not. - That way!

- Ma'am, no, ma'am! [groans]

- Excuse me!

Rude.

- Okay, you got your letter.

Thank you.

- Merry Christmas.

For Timmy! For Timmy!

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Okay, Santa.

Let's see how magical this mofo really is.

Dear

ugly asshole. [chuckles]

JK, JK.

Dear Santa Claus,

I know it's been a while since we spoke

because I don't believe in you because I'm an adult.

However, um, you still be granting wishes?

'Cause here are mine.

- All right, come on, it's for kids.

Let's go, let's go.

[soft festive music]

♪ ♪

- Santa needs to grant me wishes!

Ma'am, no.

Ma'am, no! - It's for Timmy!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, boss. I got a good one for you.

- [laughs] Okay.

Let's see.

Oh, nogtinis, yes.

Oh! This is a toughie.

Her Christmas spirit is in the basement.

I think I know just the right elf

for this assignment.

♪ ♪

- This is the guy.

Boris, I did it.

I did it.

Okay.

All right.

Goodnight, Boris.

Maybe this Christmas won't be so bad after all.

Get off of me.

[soft music]

[yawns]

Second best?

Hm, Oprah?

You are enough?

- Emily, breakfast! - [gasps]

Get a move on. We have a lot to talk about.

- Is that my mom?

Wish number one, I want to be actually close to my mom.

[grunting]

- ♪ Hark, the herald angels... ♪

- Hey, beautiful. - Hey, handsome.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪

♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪

- Mom?

Dad? Why am I here?

- Oh! Good afternoon.

I see someone overslept again.

- Um...

- How fast can you eat?

Because we have a million things to do.

And what are you wearing? Oh, ugh!

You're gonna go up and change, right?

- Okay, I'm sorry, when did--

- In an hour, I told you!

The annual tree decorating contest?

Big parties?

In three days?

We have to go and get the fireplace garland!

Oh, oh! Honestly, Emily!

- Okay, I just meant, when did I get here?

I didn't--did I drive here last night?

Oh, I am going to jail.

- I don't understand your sense of humor.

Here, here. Drink your nogtini, okay?

- Wish number two, I want all the nogtinis ever.

- Go up, change into something flattering, please!

And then let's scoot!

- Oh, all right.

I don't know what's happening here,

but I need to get back to my show--oh, my God,

do I still have that job?

- Show? What is she talking about?

- I have no idea.

The Rockettes or something?

- Rockettes?

[doorbell rings] Oh, God, finally.

You know, he is so late.

He is 12 minutes late!

The liquor for the party!

- Okay, what is happening here?

- Hi, ma'am. Where would you like these?

- You're late. - I'm sorry about that.

We're a little backed up.

Christmas parties and all that. - Fine, over there.

- Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I don't live here.

- Cool, I don't either.

Yep, here we go. - Ah!

Careful! Those are my snowmen!

- All right.

- They're heirlooms!

- Thank you for your business,

and sorry again for the delay.

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas.

Okay. [chuckles]

- Men!

Never trust a man with a winning smile.

Your daddy ain't got one.

Zoom, zoom.

Don't you start.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. I'm not dealing with this.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm not going to look

at any fireplace garland or anything.

I'm just gonna--

Merry Christmas, y'all.

- Emily. - See you.

- What? She--oh!

How could she?

- ♪ Hark, the herald sing ♪

[hip-hop music]

[light music]

♪ ♪

- That's what I thought.

What's up?

No, because you've been following me.

What's up? What you want?

- I'm trying to sort out how much of a pain in my ass

you're gonna be.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- I'm an elf. Wolf.

- You're a wolf? You're an elf?

What is this? What are you talking about?

- No, no--oh. I'm an elf.

My name is Wolf.

- Cool, Wolf elf.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to mind my business back to the city by myself.

I suggest you stay here. - Okay, but look.

Your apartment's not gonna be there when you get there.

- [laughs]

You're still drunk.

I'm still drunk. I get what's happening here.

- But still, your apartment's not gon' be there, okay?

Because this isn't your life.

I mean, technically it is.

But--this part is always hard to explain.

Okay, look, you know that letter you wrote to Santa?

All your wishes are coming true.

- Okay. You're a crazy person.

That's clear. There's a--hello?

Help?

Damn it, nobody here no more?

Elf guy talking to me. - You know what, go ahead.

See for yourself, all right?

But don't be surprised by all the magical crap.

Go on. - Okay.

I want some help for you, brother.

Let me get in here.

Don't--you stay there. - Okay.

- Okay.

[bell dings]

♪ ♪

- "Woman crushed to death

in freak reindeer leaping accident."

[gasps]

Wish number three, I wish Janice

would take a flying leap.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Can I have this for free? She's my best friend.

Thank you. No.

Okay.

That's it. That's it.

Oh, come on.

This is not happening. This is not happening.

Come on!

- Yo!

You got the wrong apartment, lady.

- Is this 5C?

- Yeah. - And you live here?

- Yeah. Can I help you?

- Cool, cool, no. Don't panic.

Hey, um, is there a cat in here?

His name is Boris, and he's insightful and fluffy.

- I'm vegan. - Oh, but we don't eat him.

He's for loving. Boris? Okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

What is happening?

This can't be real. It's not real.

Is it? Is it?

Wait, am I crazy?

Oh, God, did I kill someone?

Oh, no, do I have to spend Christmas with my mom?

- Did you say kill? - [gasps]

[festive music]

[muttering angrily]

You wanna tell me what the hell is going on here?

- It's what I was trying to tell you, okay?

You remember wandering up in here last night?

- Dear Santa Claus.

Job stealing bitch!

Lies, children!

There's nothing in this but lies!

- Ma'am.

- I'm--I'm going, sir!

♪ ♪

Yes. - Okay?

Well, your wish came true, okay?

You got your wish.

Santa is into lessons this year.

I know. It's super annoying.

You know how you want to be close to your mom, right?

- Okay.

- Okay, well, now y'all are close physically.

- That's not what I meant! - I know.

Santa is a literal son of a bitch.

- Actually, is this your boy here?

Tell your boy to take it back.

I'm out. - Okay, okay, okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen, listen, okay?

It's not that easy, all right?

You got until 12:00 midnight Christmas Eve.

And you got to prove to Santa that you've changed,

that you've learned your lesson,

that you got your Christmas spirit back.

And you're gonna have to write him

an amended letter about your true Christmas wish.

Then you'll get your old life back,

and no one will remember any of this except you.

- No.

Fight me. What if I don't do it?

- No? - Yeah, no.

- Okay, well, if you don't do it,

then you're gonna be in this alternate universe forever.

And your last wish is gonna come true forever.

- My last wish. Oh, God.

I don't even want to know. What is it?

- Oh, okay, okay. Let's see what it is.

You wished that the entire world

would turn into fruitcake.

- I would never ask for that. Not once.

- You right. Yeah, okay.

You didn't ask for that exactly.

This is what you said.

You said, "Oh, I'm so hungry.

"Oh, I could eat anything. Oh, you know what?

"Deliver me all the fruitcake in the world

since you such a magical mofo."

- Damn. - That's what you said.

- That sounds just like me.

- And I guess I'm here to help you.

- I just--good God, I truly am the queen of bad decisions.

- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

- What is happening?

- Okay, well, apparently you wished

to be the queen of a dance circle,

and you just said the secret word.

- What--no, no, no, no.

You can go. How do I get them to go?

You can go. - They're not gonna stop, okay?

You gon' have to dance, okay?

Or this gonna go on forever.

Look at her. That's gonna happen.

That right there with the ribbon.

There. Go on, dance.

- ♪ Let me hear you say, I'm ready for the holiday ♪

- That's what you chose? You chose that?

Okay, okay.

- I can't do this.

♪ ♪

Mm.

Mm-hmm, how do I still have that?

Well, KLDA Nation,

looks like we officially have a Christmas

of all I didn't want.

- Mm. Ah.

- Emily, breakfast!

Okay. [clears throat]

Ice sculptures, which you and your dad can pick up.

- Okay.

- And also, of course, our hair appointments.

And we have to find you a date for the party.

- No, I really don't think we do.

- Listen, it's only two days.

Don't be nervous. I know that we can do this.

Which brings us to Goldie,

Silversmith, and Platinum.

I'll handle her alone.

Oh, she is going to win that cover for us.

It's her year. I know she can do it.

If we find her the right tools,

she can do anything she wants.

- Right, the tree can do whatever she wants.

Me, not so much.

- Hey, how do I look?

- Like you are avoiding helping me.

- Oh, oh, oh, Em.

There was this sort of love letter

waiting for you at the door.

Okay. Well, ladies, have fun.

Fellas are waiting. I got to go.

I love you, baby. - Get out of here!

He's always running off. Oh!

- It's from Chet Charles. No frigging way.

- Chet Charles. - Oh.

[card playing music] Okay.

"Please go out with me.

"Until then, here's a lock of my hair

"to keep my essence near.

Love you forever."

Oh, my God. This is so gross.

Wish number five,

I want the hottest guy I can think of

to be completely crazed-balls obsessed with me.

High school god Chet Charles.

- Oh, Chet Charles. He's a sweetheart.

Didn't you have a big crush on him in high school?

- Mom, that was like a million years ago.

But it looks like he's a serial killer now.

- No, no. You should know he's a dentist.

I mean, he has his posters all over town.

I am just so surprised that he sent this to you.

Now you can cross off finding a date as one

of the tasks on your list.

You know something?

You have been moving like molasses.

You act like you want to be late for work.

- Work? - Work!

Come on, let's get out of here.

- I didn't realize I had a job here.

- Well, you do.

- Come on, hurry up. Oh!

The ice angels are back in stock again.

Now, remember to pick up the frozen pigs in a blanket, okay?

After you get off of work. And brush your hair.

Ah!

Look, your boyfriend, Chet the dentist!

[laughing] Oh, I gotta go.

I gotta get those angels.

Oh, come on, they're over there.

- That's not my man.

What are you doing here? What am I doing here?

- Okay, well, this is where you work.

- Boss Ass Bitchmas?

Wish number six, I want to be a boss ass bitch!

- Mm-hmm. - Ornament?

I--oh, no!

- Huh, what? - Hide me!

- Okay, look.

I don't really do hugs, you know.

This feel weird, so...

- No, no, no, no, no.

You see that girl over there with the blonde hair

and the angry eyes?

Ginger George.

She used to be my best friend, up until freshman year,

when she decided to ruin my life

at the Glen Ridge Christmas Fair

in front of everybody. - What happened?

[applause]

- I actually can't go there right now.

I can't. It's--I can't.

In a nutshell,

she bullied me straight through high school graduation.

It was awful.

I mean, I went from having friends

to all of a sudden being a social pariah.

Like, you should have heard the things

that the kids said about me.

And to my face!

Oh, no, no, no. - Ahh!

BFF!

- Wish number seven, I want a BFF.

- You crazy biznatch!

Why were you doing that little hidey-hidey thing?

And um--oh, my God, who is this?

Is it your boyfriend?

- No, this is my elf.

- Okay.

Why you being so weird, you weirdo?

Oh, my God.

So I finished the Bitches Love Santa ornaments,

and I designed this super cute new one.

- "Don't be silent tonight, bae."

- It's even cuter when other people say it.

So are you ready to get to work?

- No, I need a minute.

- Okay, BRB then because I'm going to grab coffee,

unless maybe I could grab something else?

Okay.

- Excuse me, what was that?

- Yeah, I figured this would happen.

It's my elfmones.

Yeah, elf pheromones are like catnip to humans.

Sad.

- [sniffs] - Huh?

- Can I get you something, Daddy?

No, no! Focus.

Okay, what I'm getting here

is that I work here

with my bully, who is my BFF?

I'm gonna leave in a huff so huffy.

- Okay. - Get ready for it.

[groans]

I'm writing Santa now! [laughs]

Dear Santa, my true wish is to go back

to my real life.

- That's not gonna work. - There, yeah.

[laughs]

No, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Santa, you got me. You will not beat me!

I think the real problem was that I wasn't specific enough,

and I totally under-- I apologize.

Dear Santa, sorry I wasn't specific enough.

I would like to live at 5C again.

- No, it's-- - Chill, I got this.

- Okay, okay. - 5C.

- Pass the tofu nuggets, roomie.

- Tofu?

- Hey, welcome back! - I got it.

I figured it out. - You smell like tofurkey.

- I know, I know.

I just need to be real specific with him,

or I need to--I got it.

Dear Santa, I want everyone

at my job to see the real me.

- Real you--no!

- I have to beat Santa's ass. - Santa is literal!

- I will beat-- - Santa is literal!

- Can Santa whoop my ass?

[gasps]

- Why are you naked, you crazy bitch?

- Lookin' good, Emily! - Is this casual Friday?

- Okay.

Dear Santa, you think this is a game?

Huh, Santa? - Okay.

- Erase everything-- - No, don't write that!

- And start--shh!

- Don't write it. - Huh? Huh?

- Don't do that. - Huh! Huh!

Erase everything and start over, ha!

- Ooh! You don't wanna say start over.

- No, we gon' start-- ♪ Over ♪

[wind whooshing]

Wolf?

Wolf?

Oh, my God, fruitcake feet.

[creature screeching]

- Oh, no, no, no!

[tablet jingles]

- Lost Souls Department, Emergency Services.

- Uh, yeah, man, I'ma need a reset.

She reached Snowpocalypse.

- Yikes, Tooth Fairy.

Sure you wanna reset now?

- I mean, how bad can the Tooth Fairy be?

- You seen her teeth, man? Ugh.

[tablet dings] - Ah! Ah, help me!

[creature growling]

Wolf! - Yo, hey.

Are you done? - Ah!

I'm done. - Okay.

Well, now what, oh, magical elfin guide?

- Okay, well, maybe neither is your best life, okay?

Not the old one and not the new one.

- Are you trying to say something helpful?

Be careful. - Okay, okay, look.

I'm sorry you got stuck with a shitty guide.

- I did. - All right.

This is not my area of expertise.

But maybe it's time we lean into this whole thing.

Okay? For the both of us.

Because I know you don't care. - I don't.

- But if this doesn't work out for you,

I'ma have to work for the Tooth Fairy.

- [laughs] Okay, cool.

So now the Tooth Fairy is real.

Look, assuming that I believe you,

that doesn't even sound that bad.

- Not that bad? Okay.

All right. You know what?

Look at this.

[creature screeches]

- Oh, we need to figure this out together.

- One sec.

[bell dings] [chuckles]

- Not you dressed like you in Silk Sonic.

How you do that? - I'm a magical elf, bitch!

- All right, well, now I look like garbage,

so I'm finna go change.

Do not look at my yearbooks, okay?

- Hmm, what's a yearbook?

- [sniffing]

- The disrespect.

Okay, you were not kidding about those pheromones, huh?

- Yeah. That's why we don't do karaoke.

It's too risky. - Yeah, say less.

That'd be too dangerous for you.

- Hey!

It's the gal from the party house

with the punctual mom.

- It's the late delivery guy with the booze.

- Yeah.

Wyatt Snowmyn. - Wyatt Snowman?

- No, close, "myn."

- Are you serious right now? - Snowmyn.

- Oh, I understand what's happening.

This is--it's very clear.

You're a snowman who's temporarily been

turned into a human being.

This is really hilarious. This is very clever.

This is why he was so cute and smiley the other day.

- You think-- you thought I was cute?

- Actually, I'm sorry.

I don't have time for questions.

We're actually in the middle of something right now, so--

can I just learn whatever the lesson is tomorrow?

- I'm sorry, what? - Babe!

[laughs] I'm very busy.

Please just go find your magic hat or whatever, you know.

I'll catch up with you tomorrow, all right?

- Okay, I'm-- - Get!

- Get? - Snowmyn.

Y'all ain't on a schedule? [laughs]

- He's not one of ours.

- Oh, sh--hey, Snowmyn!

Sh-- - Maybe he melted.

- Shut up!

- Okay, a little corn dog truck.

- Mm-hmm, that's how we do it in the 'burbs!

Where do you hang out?

- Oh, reindeer stalls.

All right, so let's lean in!

Okay, let's start here. So, uh, lover boy.

Tell me about him. - Oh, come on.

That's so embarrassing.

Chet Charles was like the high school heartthrob.

If I knew that this was real,

I would have chosen someone else.

- Let's go a little bit deeper, okay?

Let's start at the beginning. Let's see.

Tell me about this.

- Yeah, that's me and Mom in front

of her three precious Christmas trees.

She was always more proud of them than she was of me.

Yeah. - Okay.

Are you ready to tell me about Ginger?

- [sighs] Okay.

Ginger and I were best friends. We were inseparable, honestly.

And when I started getting a little chubby,

I also got really insecure because kids are assholes.

And Ginger always had my back, you know,

until the Christmas she decided to make my body a thing.

- I hate her already. Continue.

- So we were rehearsing

for the Christmas talent show for weeks,

and we were just about to go on stage, and...

- Hey, Ginger! Are you ready?

I'm pretty nervous.

- So they don't think

you should perform with us.

- What?

But why?

- Isn't it obvious, Gummy Tummy?

- Rude.

I hate Christmas.

Then she just dropped me.

- And you really never danced again?

- No, not at school, or really anywhere else.

Yeah, when your best friend dumps you

real publicly like that, you sort of learn

that life is a little better out of the limelight.

- Man, that makes me mad.

I just want to punch Dasher right in his face.

And I like Dasher. He's my guy.

- Thank you so much for your emotional outburst.

Also, you know, I uh-- [chuckles]

Even though I still don't know how to get out of this mess,

I actually do feel a lot better

unloading all of that.

So thank you.

Look at you being surprisingly helpful.

- Hey, I'm pretty wise.

- Great, I need that. So what do I do now?

- Ooh, fudge if I know.

- Why are we opening these books?

- You really think Linda's trying to sabotage you?

- Well, I don't know anymore.

But I did see her peeping through our window last night.

And if you don't call that sabotage,

then I don't know.

- Um, I think you should just talk to her.

You like all the same stuff.

Decorating, holidays,

glitter, dressing nice,

holidays, looking pretty.

- You think she's pretty? - Oh, heavens no.

♪ I think you're pretty, baby ♪

♪ Sure look good to me ♪ - Oh.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, she never invites me

to her ladies' nights, you know?

Of course I wouldn't go, but I mean,

I think it still would be nice to be asked, you know?

I'm fun.

Right, Stan?

- Of course you are.

You are very--yeah.

- [laughs] - Sure you are, baby.

- I think there's one spot over by your right armpit

that is empty still.

No, no, your right armpit. The right.

- Baby, this is my right armpit.

No more nogtinis for you.

- Okay.

I just don't think we have the right feature piece.

We need a unique conversation piece,

you know, a showstopper.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Maybe I can find one after the hair salon.

- Hey, you ready?

- Oh, hey, baby. You ready to go?

Okay, chop chop. - Let's do it.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- So, Sally.

Thank you for squeezing us in for this trial run.

So tell me, how high can you get our hair?

- All the way up, baby.

- Oh, you gave me a chill.

You know, my daughter, Emily, she's gonna be bringing

a dentist to the party.

- No. - Oh, a dentist?

- Yes! - No, no, no, no, I'm not.

I'm not gonna bring the dentist to the party.

Actually, that drinks delivery guy was really cute,

don't you think? - Uh...

- Mom, are you listening to me?

♪ ♪

- So how is Linda wearing her hair to the party?

- I'm not sure yet.

She's gonna tell me at rummy tonight.

- Oh.

So you still playing rummy with that basic bitch?

- Just a few of us.

- I don't even like rummy, honestly, hm.

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, we look like giant Christmas gnomes.

Did you--I mean, you really like it this way?

- The holiday look in Paris.

We must do it. [chuckles]

- Mom, are you gonna be okay if you don't win this thing?

- I just love this look.

Huh? You say something?

- I said you're gorgeous,

and I'm so glad I look like you.

- No, you look like your dad.

- Yeah, well, now the hair's coming all the way down, baby.

Much better.

[sighs]

Dear KLDA listeners, Emily Harris here,

reporting live from the nightmare before Christmas.

Do I have what it takes to find my Christmas spirit

while working for my bully

and also wearing the world's worst hairstyle?

Stay tuned!

Let me just do that.

Was that always a fruitcake?

No, it used to be a bush.

Ginger, I'm reporting for work or whatever.

Ugh, a note. Okay.

- Hey, bitch! Sorry, had to close today.

Sexmergency.

Blame your spicy little friend

and his spicy cologne.

- Oh, girl, I'm pretty sure elves are asexual.

- I'm not with your friend, B-T-dubs.

Not yet. - Gross, come on, girl.

- Anyways, uh, take the day off.

It's Xmas Eve Eve.

See you at darts tonight, bitch.

- Christmas Eve Eve already?

God!

♪ ♪

"I wanna roast your chestnuts this Christmas."

I hate that that's so funny, but it is.

Ooh.

Hey, handsome.

Talk about a showstopper.

- ♪ And no guy in the world like mine ♪

♪ No way, I miss the nights by the fire ♪

- Hi.

Just gonna...

Aw.

- ♪ And the city keep on moving ♪

♪ Last minute lovers like the movie ♪

♪ Gonna feel like Christmas, baby ♪

♪ ♪

- He's got the mouth. [laughs]

- You playing rummy tonight too?

[laughs]

No problem.

Oh, I have plenty that I can do.

Listen, I'll just see you tomorrow at the party, okay?

Okay.

Oh! I can't stand her.

- Hey, Mom. - Oh, Emily.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I want you to help me apply that gold leaf

to the nutcracker dolls.

- Yeah, I got you.

But actually, I wanted to show you something.

So I went down to the shop,

and I got you a bunch of, you know, really cute

but traditional ornaments.

But I think we both know that what you really need

is a showstopper. - Mm-hmm.

- So I found something that your girl Platinum over here

would really appreciate.

And I want to warn you,

it can be seen as a little edgy,

but edgy is in right now.

Trust me, so...

Bam! Isn't he cute?

He's a little merman! - Yeah.

- I was thinking that he would go great

right in that middle space,

right in the center of the tree.

- [laughs]

- Why don't you put all of these

on the tree in your daddy's office?

- Right, of course, the tree no one's gonna see.

Mom, do you think maybe you want to try the ornament?

It's really, really important.

- Baby, it's a bit edgy for the judges.

- Okay, but I'm asking you to try.

I'm trying. I'm try--Santa!

If your magical ears can hear me,

it's not working, so now what?

- What? What about Santa?

- Nothing!

- Did you ask that nice dentist to the party?

- Mom, I told you I don't want to go with him.

He sent me a lock of his hair. It's gross.

- Romantic. - Seriously?

- Baby, he's handsome.

He likes you. He's successful.

- You really don't care what I want, do you?

- I don't want to see you to end up alone.

- Now, why would I end up alone?

Because I'm not perfect?

Because I'm not you? - [chuckles]

- Is it how I act or how I look?

- No, I don't know.

- Oh, you don't want to talk about it,

but I'm just supposed to settle for someone I don't like

because girls that act like me and look like me

are supposed to settle? - No, not necessarily.

- Jesus, Mom, you--

- Baby, I love you.

I love you.

Just, the world is--

- Mom, I know how the world is, but you could be on my side.

- I am on your side!

- You think you're on my side

when you won't even hang up an ornament?

This is exactly why I don't talk to you.

It is--there's no point.

By the way, you probably wouldn't be alone all the time

if you didn't expect everybody and everything around you

to be perfect all the time!

Whatever it is that you think is perfect.

- Oh, young lady, you watch your tone!

You watch your--ooh!

- ♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

- This might go-- okay, that means ace, so--

- [sighs]

- ♪ From now on ♪

♪ Our troubles will be out... ♪

- Hey, gang, welcome to the annual

Bullseyes for Blitzen contest.

The first team to hit ten bullseyes

gets Blitzened on the house.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my God, it's the snowman. - What?

- The bartender's last name is Snowmyn.

- Oh, he is cute. You like him?

You should go chat him up.

Maybe, um, nibble his carrots if you know what I mean.

- I don't. Can you explain it in detail?

- You know, like his-- - Bullseye Candy?

Bullseye Candy?

- Yeah.

Bullseye Candy. - That's us.

- Yo, we got this.

Boom!

both: ♪ Bullseye Candy ♪

♪ Bullseye Candy ♪

- ♪ Bullseye Candy, get out of the way ♪

- Excuse us!

Excuse us! Move out of the way.

Okay.

[together] One, two, three.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, well.

We'll get 'em next year.

- I'm sorry, that was embarrassing.

I'm a little rusty.

- Yeah, that was weird.

Normally, you're like a total bullseye bitch.

- I am? - Yeah!

- Cool.

- I think I'm gonna go for it

with your, uh, cinnamon friend.

If you don't mind. - No, no, no, no.

I definitely don't mind.

Um, full disclosure, he might not be into you.

But you know.

- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna make my move then.

- You're not scared? - No!

I mean, I've made a fool of myself like a million times.

I mean, you know.

- You've always been really ballsy.

I've always envied that about you.

- Thank you very much.

I mean, I'd rather just know. You know?

You got to go after what you want.

Be bold.

Like, uh...

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Look, it's crazy snowman girl.

- Oh.

You remember that. - Mm-hmm.

- [laughs] Hi.

I'm sorry about that.

I thought you were someone else,

but I was wrong.

So who are you?

- I'm Wyatt Snowmyn.

Age 31, Scorpio, Leo moon rising, obviously.

Originally of Glen Ridge, New Jersey.

Go Panthers.

Currently residing in Manhattan.

Part owner of a few bars, including this little gem

in the old hometown.

- Okay, so I stopped listening after you said Scorpio

because I know that Scorpios are kinky.

- Oh, yeah? - And uh--

- Sting.

- I'm kidding.

I'm--it's nice to meet you, Wyatt.

I'm Emily.

I don't think I gave you my name.

- No, you were definitely too busy yelling at me.

- Oh, you didn't like that? - Oh, well, eh.

Hmm. - Because you're welcome.

[both laugh]

Scorpios love that.

- Yeah, I can take a little abuse.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- Okay, you know what? Here.

Emily, for you and your friend.

Boom. - Okay.

- Yeah. - For free?

- Yes. - Okay.

- No charge.

- Your tip is that you get to watch me walk away.

- Oof!

This is better than 20%.

Whew! - Check this out.

[laughs] - Mm, thank you.

- Okay, so I'll get a glass of this Sancerre to start.

- Very good. Will anyone be joining you?

- Nope! Just a little me time.

You know, I don't get a lot of me time.

So this is extremely exciting.

- Oh, very good.

- Yeah. You been working here long?

- Two years. - Two years!

Oh, very nice.

So-- - I'll bring you that Sancerre.

- But--oh, okay.

- Sancerre. - Yes.

- It's my favorite. - Good taste.

- You too.

- It might sound crazy, but be my guest.

- You know what?

I was hoping that you would say something like that.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Oh. - Yeah.

[soft music]

- Yeah! Entertaining nonetheless.

- Oh, my God, that is disgusting.

- It's getting mintier, I swear.

- So creamy. Let's get another one.

- Okay, I'm in charge of the--

I'll get the--

- Yes you are! He totally likes you.

- No! - Yes!

- No, no, he doesn't.

He's, uh--no.

- He's been comping your drinks all night.

- It's like, why would he be into me?

- Why wouldn't he be into you?

- Well, because he looks like he's from,

like, a J.Crew, like, ar--oh.

- Oh, my God, Chet Charles?

- What are you-- - What are you doing?

- ♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ Baby, it's cold outside ♪

♪ I gotta get away 'cause, baby, it's cold outside ♪

- All right, it's done, so--

- Your mom told me that you wanted me to be your date

for the Christmas Eve party.

- Okay, but I didn't actually--

- And I have never been more honored

by anything in my entire life.

So I obviously accept.

- Oh, no, no, no, I'm not--I didn't--

- I got you something.

- This is a misunder-- this is a Christmas adventure,

and I wrote a-- it's a San--uh, mm.

Okay, okay.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- Probably not.

Don't show up because I don't--oh.

Oh, no, is that chair fruitcake?

- Oh, my God.

You sneaky little hussy!

Are you and Chet Charles a thing?

- No, we are not-- no, no, no, no, no.

We're not a thing, me and Chet.

No, no, we're not.

Stop, stop, stop scissoring yourself.

Actually, um, I think that my mom is more interested

like, actually interested in him for me,

but I'm definitely not interested in him.

That's not the guy for me or anything like that.

- Okay, Em, you're, like,

really yelling this out loud right now.

- I just wanted to make sure everybody gets the point

about my personal feeling.

[both laughing]

- That's funny. That's funny.

Look, look.

Lorraine, can I be honest with you?

- Yes, if you let me wear the hat.

- Oh, okay!

Here you go. Ooh!

Oh! - I like.

I like! - Looks nice on you.

- You like it?

- Okay, but don't take this the wrong way,

but you're not really a good listener.

- Mm-hmm.

But what if I know better for the people than they do?

What if I know what's better for them?

- Look, put your hands out. Come here.

- I put my hands out? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like this. - Oh, okay.

- Hold mine, okay.

Repeat after me.

Sometimes, my opinions are wrong.

- Mm.

Sometimes, my opinions are wrong.

- And sometimes, I hurt people and myself when I judge them.

- Sometimes, I hurt people and myself when I judge them.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Yeah, and I need to be a better listener,

and I need to be more supportive of my daughter.

- You got a daughter?

- No, that one was for you.

- Oh. - See what I'm saying?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

- I see you.

- Did you get what I was saying, though?

You understood?

- I'm--my daughter-- [laughs]

Whew! She's just like her father.

- Okay. - You know what I'm saying?

- Right.

- That's all I got to say about it.

And I was--

I need to be more supportive and listen.

- Mm-hmm.

- I can do that. - You can do that?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay!

All right. - Yes, I can.

- Cool! You enjoying that Sancerre?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

It's good, ain't it?

It's that bubbly. - [laughs]

It is good!

- Do you remember when we were--

we had to do the Christmas show?

- Mm-hmm.

- And you, like, dumped me as a friend,

and then you started saying really mean things about me

to like, the whole school.

Do you remember that?

- I didn't--no, no!

I don't remember--but wait. Yo, where are those shots?

- No, yeah, why would you--okay.

So I do remember, though. - Yeah.

- And it was like a nightmare for me, honestly.

And it just was really weird for me,

because you went from, like, being my best friend

in the whole world to, like, then being my bully.

And it really--it, like, messed me up, honestly, then,

and I kind of feel like it still messes me up now.

- Yeah, dude, but what are you talking about?

We were kids.

It's like a bajillion years ago.

Come on! Come on, we're past that.

- Yeah? - We're good.

- Like, I'm already really embarrassed,

and I feel like the queen of idiots--

- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

- Oh, oh, oh! It's jam time!

Get your ears out because we about to party!

- ♪ So, baby, don't you stop dancing with me ♪

♪ Holiday, holiday, holiday, holiday, holiday ♪

♪ Holiday, holiday, holiday, holiday ♪

♪ Holiday, holiday, holiday ♪

♪ So, baby, don't you stop ♪

- ♪ Let me hear you say, I'm ready for the holiday ♪

♪ Call the family up, tell 'em we're on our way ♪

♪ Trying to party 'cause we're going crazy ♪

- Um...

God, you told me so much about you,

but you did not tell me how great you were at miming.

- Oh, it is one of my finest skills, milady.

- Well, that's very clear.

Oh, you might know the answer to this.

Like, okay.

What is the mime for,

"I want to kiss you"?

- Wow, uh.

Okay, well, I uh--

I think it's just,

lean in

and purse your lips,

and you close your eyes.

- Good to know. Thank you.

Thanks for telling me.

That's, uh, maybe I'll--

I'm gonna--I should get her home because she's drunk.

- Totally cool, yeah. - Yeah, hey!

Ginger, get-- - What?

- All right, stop dancing!

[imitates radio jingle]

Well, KLDA Nation, I choked again.

I have no idea what I'm writing to Santa tomorrow,

and I'm gonna be stuck here

in a world made entirely of fruitcake.

[imitates airhorn]

"I think this one looks nice here after all."

Aw, Mom.

[sighs]

That's so nice.

["Joy to the World" playing]

♪ ♪

- Good morning.

- Is it? But I am glad you're up.

- Thank you.

I was really glad to get your note last night.

That ornament is super cute.

- You know, I have been thinking about that.

It should go in the back

because it does not fit my vision.

- Okay. Well, it's no use.

How can I be helpful?

- Well, I have to spray paint the banister gold,

then I have to go and set up a meeting

with that incompetent bartender about what

our signature cocktail... - Oh, I'll settle that.

- Is going to be, and--Emily?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Way to grab the reindeer by the antlers.

I might have a shot at this.

Six hours to midnight?

[bell dings]

- Okay, people.

The judges will be here at 7:00 sharp,

and I want everyone to be whistling Christmas

out of their buttholes when they get here.

Excuse my French.

- Uh, who is this woman?

- That's the competition.

You can let her in the house,

you can serve her cocktails and canapés,

but do not let her touch my trees.

If she comes within

a 3-foot radius of my trees...

Then you have my permission to use force.

- Yeah. - That's crazy.

Uh, look. You need to talk to your mama.

You are running out of time.

- Does she look like someone who's capable

of being talked to?

She's not gonna change, okay? She's who she is.

I have a few questions about Wyatt, though.

- Uh, look.

She might be more ready to change than you think.

- Mm, absolutely not. Impossible.

Here's my question, though. - Okay.

- Like, let's say I do write this letter to Santa

tomorrow, right?

Okay, so like, then what happens back in the real world?

Like, does my mom become normal?

Do I stand up to Ginger?

Does, like-- will I be able to find Wyatt?

Like, what exactly is the black magic we're working with here?

- Okay, okay, look, look.

You found him before, you can find him again.

And Ginger might surprise you.

And your mom, for that matter.

- All right, you're just saying that to save your own ass.

- No, no, no.

I'm saying it because I care about you, all right?

And I'm pretty sure that lady's hair

was not made out of fruitcake.

- Oh, damn, it's spreading. - Yeah.

- Look, I got to go finish getting ready.

Lorraine is gonna blow a gasket

if I'm not "picture-perfect by the time the judges get here."

I just don't think any of this makes any sense to do.

It's not worth it. - Damn it!

Thought I was getting through to these people.

Oh, humans!

[slurping]

♪ ♪

- [sighs quietly]

Enough.

- ♪ Joy to the world, the Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her King ♪

♪ Let every heart prepare Him room ♪

- Sure.

- ♪ Let heaven and nature sing ♪

- Linda! - Lorraine.

- You remember my successful,

high SAT scoring daughter, Emily?

- Of course. Nice to see you, Emily.

I love your dress.

- Thank you so much! It's actually my favorite.

- [chuckles] - Oh.

- Unfortunately, my daughter couldn't make it.

She's on duty again in the Congo.

Doctors Without Borders.

Such noble work.

Yes, she's a doctor. - Thank the Lord.

My daughter is dating a dentist.

- Wow.

Mom, I'm actually not gonna do this with you tonight.

Linda, good luck tonight.

- My baby has jokes.

- Oh, oh!

Oh, you must be so proud of your mom.

What a perfect family.

- We're announcing the winner tomorrow,

and I'm sure you'll be pleased.

- Thank you. Thank you very much.

Have a good day.

Honey, why don't you take a picture with Santa?

- All right.

- What are you asking Santa for, little missy?

- I don't know. I don't know.

Just take--can you take-- - Okay, baby.

Here we go. Thank you, darling.

It's so perfect.

- Okay, all right, all right, all right.

- Why you touch my girl like that?

- I didn't touch her.

I just leaned a little bit, and you took a picture.

- I took a-- I took a picture.

Get your ass in there, go to work.

What's the matter with you? Took a picture.

If you touch another woman here today,

I'ma kick your ass.

- Emily.

Try to leave some canapés for the guests.

It's not like you have much room

to breathe in that dress.

Heaven forbid you listen to me once.

Did you even try the red one?

- I'm so sorry, I have--

- Ugh! - Thank you!

- Hello, my love.

- Oh, you must be kidding me.

- Oh, I would never joke about something as pure and natural

as my devotion for you.

I brought you this.

May I feed it to you like the goddess you are?

- Don't worry about it because you're about to go!

I said goodbye!

I said--what if I--good day!

Thank you. Thanks for this.

That's sweet.

- Portrait time!

[indistinct chatter]

Portrait time!

[indistinct chatter]

Come on.

- Okay.

You ready?

- Yeah. Something is not right.

- It's the dress isn't it?

Baby, why don't you just go up and change?

- Do I just disgust you, or is there anything

you actually like about me?

No, no nogtinis!

- Lower your voice. Everyone's watching.

- No, Lorraine! You need to answer me.

- You're my daughter. I love you.

- But do you like me?

My dress is too tight. I make too many jokes.

I eat too many canapés.

What do you actually like about me?

- Now is not the time or the place, young lady.

- I have actually just wasted so much time

letting everyone walk all over me.

My friends, my mom, the radio station.

But enough!

Have you ever once thought about what

it was like for me to be your daughter, Mrs. Perfect?

What it's like for me to exist while everyone around me

makes me feel like I don't even deserve to love myself

because of the ass-backwards way

that this world judges women?

And every comment you make just brings me right back

to being that shy and insecure little girl

from freshman year.

She's always with me,

always telling me to be small and quiet,

and telling me not to be honest about how I'm feeling.

And I am exhausted!

That's why I don't come back here!

- I have only been making suggestions.

- Baby, it's time to listen.

- Mom, you have spent a lifetime

suggesting everything that was wrong with me,

validating every single bully I have ever had,

and all I wanted you to do was just look at me one time

and suggest what was right about me!

- Why didn't you say anything?

- Because as much as I want to be close to you

and tell you all of this stuff,

you are not the easiest person to talk to.

- Oh, well, I wouldn't say that.

- Look, I learned this week that talking

about your feelings is actually really, really important,

and so is standing up for yourself

and asking for what you want.

- That's my girl.

- So there will be no more of me doubting myself

and no more of me not asking for what I want.

That is not who I am anymore.

- Yes, partner! Preach!

- Oh, bitch, I know you not talking.

Ginger, you were my bully.

Do you get that?

And no, we are not over it.

I'm not over anything.

And the messed up part is I actually like you,

and we're friends now, but being friends

means being honest.

And you honestly need to acknowledge

what you did to me.

And you need to apologize.

Maybe then we can be good.

No, no. Let me tell you something.

We are not in love.

Go on somewhere and find your happiness outside of me!

And you!

Wyatt!

How dare you!

Why would you show up in this insane Santa reality?

Huh? And the thing is, I like you.

So do me a favor, okay?

This isn't gonna make any sense,

but in a few days when a really cute,

a little bit plump with a booty,

self-assured girl comes up to you

and shoots her shot, just say yes.

Huh? Just say yes.

Because I can flip my tongue over,

and only one in 10,000 people can do that.

You're gonna miss out on that.

And I know that I sound angry, but I am not mad at you!

And this tree!

Move!

[all gasping]

- How dare you! You stole my mom!

- Okay, get it out. Get it out.

Yeah.

- No, not my tree! Not Goldy!

Not Goldy!

[sobbing]

No, no, no! - Oh, that's not right.

- Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

- [screaming] - [screaming]

- Ahh! [groans]

- No.

- ♪ Oh, I'm so happy ♪

- Feel good, feel good?

- Peace out, kings and queens!

- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

- Oh, yeah, they definitely win for Best Entertainment.

Oh!

- Oh, don't you say it. - Say what?

- That you were right about everything.

- Okay, as much as I like being right,

this is not bringing me Christmas joy.

You still got some time. - You think so?

- Yeah, go talk to her. - Talk to her.

Emily, oh!

- Are we gonna?

No, I'm gonna-- yeah.

- Make it right.

♪ ♪

Okay! Come on, DJ!

DJ!

All right! Y'all better come on.

Come on, uh, uh!

Come on.

Michael. Michael.

Come on, you get in there. Let me see what you got.

Hey, hey!

- [chuckling]

Oh, my God.

KLDA listeners, it's me, Emily,

and I'm finally

a boss-ass bitch.

[imitates airhorn]

- I've said everything I needed to say.

- You're right.

And I'm so glad that you had a chance to say everything

you needed to say because I have a few things to say too

if that's okay with you.

- Go ahead.

- You were right.

I tried to control everything,

to make everything perfect,

and that makes me a terrible listener,

a terrible mother.

But let me say this, you have to know

that I like you.

You're funny. You're smart.

Oh, you're so funny sometimes,

the jokes you make I don't even understand.

But that's not your fault. That's my fault.

Because I'm not funny.

You know, I thought that if I could just

make everything perfect, make myself perfect,

just push harder, you guys would

be proud of me.

Because I could take care of you.

But you're already perfect because you're you.

And I should have been telling you that all the time.

I just wonder now,

is it too late?

- No.

Of course it's not too late.

It's Christmas, for Christ's sakes.

It's never too late.

- Okay, okay.

- Geez.

Right, that's a tough act to follow.

But you're right, Em.

You're--you are so totally beyond right.

I know I bullied you.

God, I was so mean.

It's really hard for me to think about sometimes,

but I've been talking about it in therapy, so--

I was an insecure piece of crap,

and I took it out on you, and you didn't deserve that.

You're so beautiful.

I'm so sorry if I ever made you doubt that.

You're my best bitch, bitch!

- Oh, my God, come here.

- Get it, girl.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey. Enjoying the party?

- Oh, yeah, I'm having a good time.

Someone assaulted a tree.

- I know. I saw that.

She's crazy. - Yeah.

- She's unhinged.

- I wouldn't let that person go to a forest

because then that--you're in the tree's territory, so--

- She gon' get jumped. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I just--

I just want to say I loved how you stood up

to everyone in there, and I--

I think you're incredible.

And I'm not really sure what you meant when you asked

about this mystery person who might ask me a question,

but I will definitely say yes.

And if I'm being honest, it kind of sounds like

an invitation to an orgy, which I've never done.

Not to say I'm not, you know, I can't be a freak.

I'm a freak. I get freaky.

Not like freaky, ugh. Like freaky, hmm.

- But rated on a scale?

- A moderate six.

You know. - I could work with that.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, good, because whenever you meet an Emily, you know,

you kind of want to hang on to them.

So you know, I might push it to a seven.

- We'll get you to eight.

- Ooh!

Oh.

[tender music]

♪ ♪

- Emily, you want to go back into the party

and have a good time?

- Yes. Um, yeah.

- Yep.

- But I'm gonna be in in a little bit.

I have to go--

I actually have to go do something.

- I got a job to do. - Yeah, totally, totally.

I'll meet you in there, though.

- All right. - We'll get you at a nine.

[exhales] Okay.

- It really is a lovely tree.

You okay?

- I think I will be.

- You know, we've had an opening at the rummy table

if that doesn't sound too awful.

- Oh, I'd love that!

- Oh, if you don't mind messy pajamas

and too many Sancerres.

- Oh, I love Sancerres, and the messier the better.

I am just exhausted with all this perfection stuff.

Could you help me with this?

- Sure, hold these.

Okay, I got it.

- There you go. Oh, I think it's right.

It's perfect.

[soft music]

- What, what, what, what, what.

- Oh. [laughs]

You ready to do this?

- Yes, did you leave the rest of B2K at the party?

- [laughs]

You know, Omarion didn't show up.

- Didn't he? - Yeah, yeah.

All right, here you go.

- You already know. - Let's do this.

- Let's do it.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Dear Santa, wow, what a ride,

you mischievous SOB, you.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was, thank you.

I found my voice.

Ironic for someone who wants to be a DJ.

Thing is, it was in me the whole time.

I just let the world tell me it wasn't.

PS, Wolf did a stellar job.

Thanks for reminding me that I'm a queen.

B-T-dubs, if you want to keep that dance circle thing,

I'm cool with that.

Here goes everything.

♪ ♪

There's one more thing we need to do.

- Okay.

Ready?

- Let's do it together. One, two, three.

[bell dings]

- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

- Out of my way.

- ♪ Get ready for the holidays ♪

♪ Yeah it's a celebration ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's what we make it ♪

- Yeah! [laughs]

I am a boss-ass bitch!

Boss-ass bitch!

all: Boss-ass bitch!

Boss-ass bitch! - Whoo!

- Emily, breakfast!

- Oh, damn, it didn't work.

- Emily. - [gasps]

- Oh, no, the Tooth Fairy!

Am I gonna turn into fruitcake?

Oh, my God, that is a terrible way to die.

Why would I write that?

- Emily, it worked!

- Are you sure? - Yeah!

I mean, I like to think that I could take a little bit

of the credit, but you did it.

- Oh, wow, okay.

- Yeah, like--look, your job, the apartment,

your cat, it's all back, and no one's the wiser.

Yeah, and now you just know how to ask for what you need.

And maybe, just maybe, you hate Christmas just a little less.

- Aww.

- But, uh, yeah.

This is me saying goodbye.

I just, uh--

I just don't know how.

- I'm really, really gonna miss you too.

- Hey, if you ever want to write Santa, just--

- Oh, absolutely not.

I am completely done writing to Santa.

But I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna ask

for my show today.

And I want you to come on as a guest

because you are really, really incredible at giving advice.

- You know what?

You weren't a pain in my ass after all.

Yeah. - Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ We were warm and wonderful once upon a time ♪

- Whoa.

It smells and looks delicious down here, but I can't stay.

I gotta run to work. - Right, your show.

- Yeah.

But I'm gonna come right back and celebrate with you after.

- Really?

But you always work on Christmas.

- I know, but sometimes, things change.

- Yeah.

- Wait, where'd you get that hat?

- From a very special friend who wants me

to remember him by it

and all the things that have happened this week.

When you come home this evening,

can we talk more?

Well, actually, can you talk more and I listen more?

- Yeah. Yeah, I would love that.

I would really love that.

- Aw, merry Christmas, sweetie.

- Merry Christmas, Mom.

- This is Ken Spicer saying, it's been a blast.

- ♪ Just make it to Christmas? ♪

♪ Make it to Christmas ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, you got a second?

- Can it wait?

I'm trying to catch a plane to Cabo,

if you know what I mean.

- Actually, it can't.

Also, if that's a sexual innuendo,

you keep that to yourself.

Um...

♪ ♪

So I--

so I know that you gave your show to Janice,

and congratulations to her, but you still own the station,

and you and I both know that there is one more slot left

for an hour-long show,

and I'm asking you for that show.

Being your producer has been really great,

but I'm better than that.

The meter spikes every time I chime in

on your show because I'm--

I'm funny and I'm smart.

And we'll call it "Ask Emily."

What do you say?

- Nice to have you in the game, Emily.

Glad you finally showed up.

- Here I am.

So I can take that as a yes?

- Yes.

- All right!

- ♪ Hold on a little longer ♪

♪ Don't have me spending it alone ♪

♪ This time of year is precious ♪

♪ Just, please, can we make it to Christmas? ♪

♪ Can we make it to Christmas? ♪

[bell rings]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Hi. - Hi.

- You know, my last name is actually Snowmyn?

- No kidding.

- I swear to God, Wyatt Snowmyn, at your service.

- What a coincidence.

- And you, uh... - Oh.

- Your name? - Emily Harris.

I'm a Sagittarius. I just turned 31.

I'm a big fan of miming

and Christmas themed craft cocktails

with terrible names.

- Well then, you're going to--

- Ah, heart?

- A little drink I call

the Santa Clausmopolitan.

- Do you want to go out with me?

- I don't know why, but I have a strong feeling

I should say yes.

- Mm, I don't know why either,

but you should follow that maybe.

- Yes.

Absolutely yes.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- Well, I bet you were anxious to get back to kids' gifts.

- Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.

You might think I'm pulling your chain,

but I think I want to continue doing

this whole helping people job.

- And why is that?

- Well, you were right, okay?

I was selfish, and I was really dismissing

the virtue of kindness.

I really like helping people. - Ah!

Oh, Wolfie! Yes you do!

Wolfie, I knew it. I knew it!

I didn't know it. I was hoping, though.

[laughs]

Yeah, whoo! - Whoo!

Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Wolfie.

[both laughing]

[ominous music]

- The Tooth Fairy.

♪ ♪

- [screeching]

- Oh.

- [screeching]

- Uh, let's dance!

Yeah, can-can, hey!

Reindeer, reindeer. Do the reindeer.

Do the reindeer.

We on the reindeer, we ride the reindeer.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh, that's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ Know what love is, always don't stop it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You got me right here in your jean pocket ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Laying your body on the shag carpet ♪

♪ Ooh, you know what love is ♪

♪ Always don't stop it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, a sexual blender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah ♪

- KLDA Nation, did you get everything

you asked for this year?

I know I did.

And great news,

tonight and every night, I'm gonna be coming at you

with my own show, "Ask Emily."

We'll spend an entire hour together

talking and listening.

You can tell me your worries, tell me your wishes,

and you can ask for what you want.

And I'm gonna ask you to bear with me

because I'm about to get real vulnerable up in this piece.

So let's start it off right with our first caller.

Hi, you're on the air with Emily.

What's your name, and what's your problem?

- Linda, and I have a game night emergency.

But also, I'm so proud of you, honey.

- Hi, Mom. What's your question?