Original subtitles

-Why are we waiting in line for food? -It’s a pop-up.

It’s a rare, pop-up restaurant thing that only enters our solar system...

Rick, you’re gonna spoil your appetite.

That’s a weird way to say I’m gonna stop being hungry by eating food, but whatever.

-Three crispy, four wiggling. -You’re probably not even hungry,

you just don’t like lines because they aren’t about you.

Another weirdly aggressive way to describe a friend respecting themselves.

What a wonderful thing to say!

I was merely inspired by the wonderful thing you said!

-Sirs? Guys? You dropped this! -Please take it as a reward!

-So courteous! -How nice it will be for you to eat

what you were willing to stand in line for so much sooner!

Oh no, that’s okay. I came to stand in line and then eat.

I wouldn’t wanna do it differently.

Dear fellow, I choose this moment to surrender my sword

so that you may succeed me as the newest Knight of the Sun.

What? No. I didn’t even want your sandwich. I don’t want your sword.

Oh, believe me, son. You want it.

I don’t understand. You’re knights? With a K? Of the Sun with a U or, or an O?

Your alphabet is of no concern here.

We are sworn defenders of Helios, the center of this system.

Okay, so it’s Sun with a u.

Oh, God. Morty, don’t take the sword.

Oh, I’m shocked you’re against something, Rick.

-You know these guys? -I know how they’re dressed

and how boring this sounds. You take that sword,

you’re gonna get sucked into a whole complicated, oh shit!

Come on, take it.

I mean, if that kid’s not gonna

-take the sword... -He didn’t offer it to you.

Sorry, can I just ask some stuff, what does a Knight of the Sun do?

He takes the sword, for one thing.

You know what, maybe you made a bad call. He, he doesn’t want the sword.

-I didn’t say that. -Well you sure aren’t taking it!

-Would you just take a random... -Obviously I would, yes!

And I did! Best decision of my life! And you’re shitting on it!

Excuse me? Is this just a free sword?

-No! -I’m taking the sword!

-Thank you, Dawnling. What is your name? -Morty.

Now it is Sir Mortaniel. I made it a little knightier. Good day.

Wait, did he just...

Goddammit, Morty! You took the sword?! So boring!

Oh like you’re not at this point? You drunk cranky fuck!

You guys still gonna stand in line? Y ou’re not gonna take this food?

The pop up pays us to stand here.

-To drive up business. -Knew it.

Everyone! Sir Helios’ successor, Sir Mortaniel!

Sir Mortaniel, face so bright!

Serves the sun with strength and might!

Sir mortaniel come and see

Just what the sun provides for thee!

Wow, my, my own song.

Now you know why Sir Helios had to change your name

to something with three syllables! Welcome, Dawnling, to the Sun!

So it is the Sun, like Earth’s sun?

He’s heard of us!

How come I’m not, like, burning to a crisp?

You are currently protected by our powers, but soon they will be yours!

Our flesh is indestructible! Our lives are never-ending,

but not even in the dumb vampire way where after a while you hate it

and you can’t die. We can die whenever we want!!

-We just don’t have to. -But you’re not allowed to leave, right?

Like, I’ll never see my family again?

We leave constantly! I met you on an asteroid!

Oh yeah! Between us that wasn’t a deal breaker,

but it’s even better that there’s options!

You’ll have more freedom than you’ve ever known.

Our king!

The Sun is the center of the solar system.

It is the home of the solar scepter, around which all worlds revolve.

The men who keep it safe are admired by all and live as gods.

-Any more questions? -Yeah, where do I sign?

Well that does it!

-Off to the parapet to make this official. -Yeah, let’s do this!

Now just cut off your penises and throw them into the sun.

-Okey dokey. -I see Mortaniel wants to go first.

Not true. Do I just leave the sword wherever? Is there a sword bin?

What are you saying,

-you don’t want to cut off... -Listen guys, can we not...

It’s a terrific and painful sacrifice we all make

for the most important and powerful job in the universe.

We’ve done it since the dawn of dawns.

Yep. There it is in stained glass. It’s official.

And I’m not judging it. And I’m not doing it.

People really live here?

This is nuts, I thought it was a metaphor.

We have to go!

Boy. They’re not messing around?

-How are you not burning? -Oh, it’s just science,

which, unless I’m misinterpreting, is clearly not a priority here.

Okay, c’mon lil Junebug, I won’t rub your face in this one,

I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty stupid.

Yes. Thank you.

Sir Helios gave his life with that sword. Mortaniel took it.

He cannot leave unless he bests me in combat.

Okay, one sec. I’m guessing these guys are like pseudo immortalish since they

live on the sun, so playing by their rules might be the fastest way out of this.

-Just best him in combat. -What?

Here. This sword uses AI to learn from an opponent’s attacks.

-So I have to get attacked first? -No, no, no,

the sword has already seen Blade. And loved it. You’ll be fine.

-By golly! Oh crickey. -Oh! Blimey. I say!

-Okay, so we’re done here. -No. We’re not done.

I am done. You are now King of the Sun.

-Protect the Scepter always. -No, no, I don’t want to.

Well how is that supposed to work? He’s King, but he was never even a knight?

-I mean that’s stupid. -it’s definitely a

-sun first. -A king with a penis?

Well what do you want from me?

-All hail King Mortaniel! -All hail King Mortaniel!

As your King, I hereby declare a vacation, for me,

I’ll come visit you guys, on like, Sun Days. Sundays.

If I forget, just wait a week, keep doing that, keep the crown, peace.

Hell yeah! See? That’s from when he’s fighting Deacon Frost!

I don’t know. I thought it was cool.

-Okay, so. -So? Oh.

So you dragged me to a fake restaurant, yelled at me

for not doing what you wanted, then did something I told you not to

and it almost cost you your pud, but I saved your life

and now you’re waiting for me to make you feel like shit about it.

That’s, yeah, you nailed it.

Morty, I’m sorry I let your opinion of me get this low.

-Alright, I get it. -There’s nothing to get,

I’m for real. Look, I’m a drunk, I’m a psychopath, I’m a murderer,

but when you called me boring.

-I shouldn’t have... -I needed to hear it.

And you took the stupid sword and I was like, holy crap,

this is who I am to this kid, he just does the opposite of my advice now,

I mean I, I gotta fix that, so I’m gonna be like

twenty two percent more agreeable with you for like, maybe one episode,

or one adventure. We’ll see how it goes.

-Is twenty two percent a lot? -Well I’m not gonna tell you

of our time together I’m usually mean to you because it’ll hurt your stupid

feelings but twenty two is substantial, you’re gonna feel the difference.

Okay. I mean, I appreciate it.

You should, because you made a real mess with these guys.

-Oh man. -Sire!

-Sire! -You can’t leave!

Go away!

My king, it is our duty to follow you ‘til the sun sets on our watch!

I mean, it set yesterday, so you’re done. Bye.

Sire, the sun never sets on the sun.

-Can you get rid of them? -You want me to...

Well, you guys know he can kill you, right?

I think he’d find that quite difficult, sire, but if it pleases you!

Can’t I just tell you it pleases me for you to go away?

- No. Not really. -So you’d rather die than leave me alone.

-Yes! -Yes!

-A pheasant plucked for my good king, -A pheasant plucked for my good king,

-A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing! -A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing!

These guys live on our sun? I’ve never heard of them.

I don’t see them doing a lot to earn interplanetary fame.

I beg your pardon, wizard, the Knights of the Sun protect the solar scepter.

Around which even this world turns.

You do mean that, like symbolically, right?

Oh quite literally. The Scepter is the center of the solar system.

All planets orbit it.

We keep it on the sun so that Jupiter and Saturn don’t bump into each other.

-Oh my god. -They don’t even know sixth grade science.

That’s it.

Yeah, so there you have it.

Traditions suck ass and your most foundational beliefs are total bullshit.

We’re supposed to take your word for it?

Anyone can draw circles on a board and spout numbers.

Yes, this sounds like a fun theory, sire,

but it would take more than this for us to give up...

Okay so how do you guys think it works again?

-Well, the Scepter... -Oh you mean this old thing?

You want it? Here. Take it back home. It’s a symbol.

It’s your culture. That’s not the same as reality.

Does this mean we cut off our penises for absolutely no reason?

That’s the bad news. The good news is, you’re free.

-Oh that stings. -Fuck this knights shit.

A query? I just used your computer phone to search despair.

-Where can I get this heroin? -I’m not telling you that.

No matter, I’m seeing from most of your song lyrics that I can get it anywhere.

You guys, someone just used critical thinking and basic physics

to destroy their first entire religion.

-Nice! -Good job, Morty!

-So no more sun-tourage? -Yep. All done.

Plus, Rick and I both learned to support each other better.

So that’s it, we’re done. Feels early, but we’re done.

What’s happening? Appliances are breaking that I haven’t touched.

Maybe the sun is celebrating?

The Sons of the Moon are storming the Walkway! Doesn’t matter.

Their aggression will be kept in check

by a host of interplanetary treaties and alliances.

It’s very complicated, but as long as The Knights of the Sun stand together,

the solar system will always have complete political stability

where are the Knights of the Sun, by the way? I’m done pooping.

Did the Knights of the Sun disband?

While I was pooping? Sun-kward.

How many planets in our solar system have these clowns?

I guess if the sun can support life, any planet can, I mean,

maybe we all descended from a common ancestor?

Haven’t you seen, like, all of the universes?

Exactly, so why would I hang out on Pluto? That’s some Jerry-league shit.

If the Sons of the Moon can attack the sun,

why should the Viscounts of Venus continue sitting in Saturn’s shadow?

How’s this for a reason: we got all the rings and all the balls!

-Oh fuck you! -Really?

If the Saturno Venusian detente is no longer honored,

I declare you all moons of Jupiter.

Because that’s what you are to us! A bunch of moons!

Do the Knights of the Sun plan to protect Mercury from this chaos?

Because if we’re on our own, there’s a new, very tiny sun in town.

It’s all you, pal.

Hello? Don’t I have, like, authority over this Sons of the Moon meeting?

That all depends. Who the hell are you?

This guy’s the King of the Sun!

-Holy shit the king of the sun. -Wait when did this happen?

Then tell your Knights to do their jobs!

Yes, your majesty. We all know the sun’s power lives and dies with your knights.

-Who are you? -Who am... Who...

I am the Marquis of Mars! And i declare war on all of you!

War on all of you!

Where are the Knights of the Sun when we need them most?

-Funny you should ask. -They’re gone.

They’ve abandoned their duties.

-I see it in the bones. -Damn, the bones nailed it.

Okay, so you have space ships and magic ladies?

Look, I’m not gonna read all the books,

what will it take to let this Sons of the Moon fiasco resolve itself.

Excuse me. How did you become King of the Sun? You look like an Earthling.

-Santa? -Santa?

What the hell is that, I’m the Earl of Earth goddammit.

I agree with Earth on one thing.

Venus questions the legitimacy of this King’s authority.

-My people say I say aye! Never! -That sun shall be ours!

I’m the King! I’ve got the scepter right here!

What the fuck?

Yeah yeah I know you’re freaking out because it’s not on the sun.

No, because whoever has it

-rules the solar system! -It’s up for grabs, get it!

After it!

Yes! Yes! I have the scepter.

Soon Jupiter will be the center of our solar system’s newest dark age...

Fuck that, Mercury will now be the shining beacon of...

Time to throw it all against the wall!

I think you crushed it.

I mean, not just anybody can start Solar War One.

-Stop supporting me! -Can do.

Goodbye, blue sky

Goodbye, blue sky Goodbye

Goodbye

Did you see the frightened ones?

Did you hear the falling bombs?

Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the

Promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blue Sky?

Did you see the frightened ones?

Did you hear the falling bombs?

The flames are all long gone, but the pain lingers on

Goodbye, blue sky

Goodbye, blue sky Goodbye

Goodbye

Damn, who would have thought giving the Amish nukes

-would threaten the solar system? -Maybe we should just jump universes.

I don’t know buddy, feels like we’re kind of more about trying out commitment now,

ya know? Let’s put our heads together, maybe there’s something

-we haven’t tried yet. -Oh, here’s an idea. Fuck you!

-Hey! -Rick, I can’t take it,

I admit I’m wrong, I screwed up,

you’re killing me here yes-anding me to death, what is this, Vat of Acid again?

Look man, I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick in the past

that you think I’m doing a thing here.

I’m honestly just trying to do better by you.

-Are you a robot? -Morty!

-A clone? -Morty!

This family’s got enough clones and robots in it.

Come on, Morty, stop asking what you’re asking

and let’s just get back to our crisis.

I’m sorry, it’s just been a hard road with you, Rick.

Morty, I get that but you can trust me when I say

I’m just trying to do right by you.

Okay, Rick. You’re right, maybe I just need to round up some Knights?

If I disillusioned the old ones, I’ll just have to reillusion them.

It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

Cousins, we need to return to the walkway at once!

Why are you laughing,

- did I say something funny? -Oh, Mortaniel!

The only person we bend the knee to these days is that sweet Black Betty.

-Yeah man, all hail Mr. Brownstone! -And his doctor. Feelgood that is!

They’re talking about heroin, Morty, they like it.

-Obviously. -Obviously?

Apparently living on the sun has turned our veins into triple-bonded carbon,

so try this tale on for size, Mortaniel.

-We can’t OD! -C’mon, you guys are a mess.

Well, they actually seem kinda awesome, Morty.

Lemme be your king. I admit I wanted what you once had.

Brotherhood, tradition, stability, purpose.

I just didn’t want to cut my dick off for it.

Yeah that’s the point. We were quick to follow this boy before,

without even forcing him to commit to our traditions.

And all he did was break our faith and our walkway. And now,

this random fucking guy is here again to tell us what to do? No fucking way.

What if I cut off my dick?

But you’d be cutting it off for no reason.

Yeah that’s the point of tradition, doing things for no reason,

but it’d be reason enough doing it for you guys.

Well you do that, that would compete with heroin.

Cool, cool can I maybe get maybe a minute?

Buddy, what’s up? Reaching some sad conclusions about your situation?

Yes, but that walkway needs those knights,

those knights need a king and that king needs no dick!

Damn, Morty, you really are stepping up.

Now do you want me to help you not have to

-cut your dick off though? -Yes please!

-Then I got you. -You really mean it, Rick?

Of course, buddy. I’ll give you a fake dick.

With three layers of failsafes, they’ll never know the difference.

Morty. We’re gonna make your dick so fake, buddy.

The signal!

-Sir the Knights of the Sun are once more! -Hold fire!

If this return to the Old Ways is true,

I’d be willing to return home and put an end to the bloodshed.

Sir, Shall we hold off on the anti matter hydrogen bombing?

Those crusty knights won’t do the sun much good without their...

Let’s hear them out.

I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor personally oversee the stumping of thy King’s stem.

If his stem burns true, peace will be restored between the spheres!

Present the shears of stumping!

-Morty the brave! You got this, my king! -Yes! Good for you!

First thing’s first,

step through this machine which checks for nano technological hologram dicks.

-What? -War opened our eyes

to the wonders of new technologies! Please, step through my liege.

Sorry, my lord, but we’re gonna need you to step through this second machine

-which checks for emergency clone dicks. -Oh wow,

you guys really embraced a lot of specific new tech.

-A sunspot! -What? Where?

Boy, is that a third detector I see as well?

You’ll find out after the second one, we don’t like to reveal them

until the previous detecting threshold

-has been crossed. -Right.

The third detector is going to scan for a prosthetic dick.

-Oh good. -Okay well go on through,

and of course, by prosthetic we mean witchcraft dick.

-Shit. -Fuck!

I sense one! The bones say he’s still packin’!

Can’t get nothin’ past the chicken bone lady. Just testing her.

Stump. Thy. Stem.

Morty? Morty, don’t answer out loud, can you hear me? It’s Rick,

-I’m talking to you with my mind. -Yeah I can hear you.

-You said that out loud, don’t speak. -Sorry. Sorry.

I uplinked a telepathic nano satellite so we could hear each other’s thoughts,

carefully do everything I tell you in the exact order I tell you to do it.

-Okay. -Grab the scissors.

Okay. Got the scissors.

-Now run. -Oh shit, shit!

Guards, seize them!

Run? You couldn’t have just said that?!

You don’t have to use telepathy anymore,

you can just ask your rhetorical questions out loud!

I don’t understand, Rick.

Here’s something that’s easy to understand buddy,

I’m proud of you for trying to solve your own shit.

-I didn’t want to have to do this. -It’s okay this time,

we don’t have any choice.

-I love you, Rick. -Love you too, buddy.

And that’s when King Morty and Rick were left with no choice

but to leap into the sun.

Such shame he felt for what he’d done to our society, sacrificing his dick

wasn’t enough, he gave his entire body and wizard servant as well.

And after a while, their sun-proof bones floated up to the top.

We even checked with a royal ladle to ensure it was real sun,

not just them hiding beneath in a vat of fake sun.

Such a violent death. And finally when our grief could bear no more,

we decided to abolish our medieval act of stem stumping.

And we have King Morty the Molten to thank for that!

-Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten! -Morty the Molten! King Morty the Molten!

See, Morty? Worked like a charm!

Aren’t we risking it all coming back here?

Morty, we had to know, plus the heat, it’s good for my joints.

King Mortaniel? You’re alive?

Yeah, go tell everybody. Your reward’s gonna be cutting off your own dick.

Right. Point taken. RIP and cheerio.

-One crispy, one wriggling. -Coming right up.

-Three loozums. -How ‘bout ten years? In jail.

Special Agent Mongo Bongo, you’re under arrest for illegal hot dog trafficking.

Be free, my little babies.

Surprised they actually made it.

Kinda thought maybe some birds would swoop down or...

I jinxed it!