Original subtitles

DAVID: Sure, yeah.

Coffee, toast, banana...

MICHAEL: Ahh... Nothing.

You should have breakfast.

Should I? I have breakfast.

Ah, but you're providing for a whole family of tapeworms.

Why? Just helps with the segue, I think.

It's all pretty straightforward, isn't it? Yeah.

We agreed to do series three, Michael bought a pram.

We filmed episode one, Michael filled his pram with toys.

We nearly filmed episode two

and Michael threw his toys out of the pram.

And now we're here. Now we're here.

Can I have a quick chat with you? Sure.

Can you not say that? What?

About the pram and the toys.

You don't wanna talk about storming off?

I didn't storm off.

Well, I think you did. No.

Look, I'm happy to talk about deciding to do a third series.

I'm happy to talk about filming two episodes.

I think we have to talk about the storming off. Why?

Cos that's why the whole thing fell apart.

It's not the only reason. I mean, I think it is.

We didn't wanna do it from the start, we didn't like the scripts.

We could have fixed the scripts.

I was tired of fixing Simon's bullet points on the fly.

Well...

I don't care.

Look, it was forgivable when Simon only had days to write it,

but he's had fucking months.

It's not our job to improvise our way out of bad writing.

I think we still have to... We still have to talk about the storming off.

Simon left... Because you stormed off!

Right, I don't wanna talk about it, OK? OK, we won't talk about it.

There is an image out there of me as an angry person.

No! Yes, yes, there is.

No, you're someone in touch with your emotions.

Yeah, that's true.

Sometimes it seems like you're angry at your emotions.

I'm not an angry person. Maybe it's your diet.

This show makes me an angry person. You should have breakfast.

I meditate... Hm.

I chant.

When things are really bad, I make model ships.

I know, I've seen them.

They're not good. You used too much glue.

I wanna quell the image, all right? And...

stories about me storming off the set don't help,

and talking about stories of me storming off the set

just make me angrier.

You're overreacting, it's fine. Am I?

Yeah, people do not think you're angry because you stormed off.

No?

No, they think you're angry because of who you are and the way you act.

Do you know, you can be really immature when it comes to

conversational tact. It's gonna be fine.

I don't wanna talk about it. We won't talk about it.

Promise? It's OK, we won't.

Come on, it's OK.

Fine, absolutely fine. Yes, of course.

OK. Sorry.

Very good. Ready to go.

Michael's anger management issues.

I'm supposed to be in Tokyo. Right.

That's in English. Yes.

That might be a problem.

Do you think anyone will notice?

I mean, when you got it, did you notice?

I didn't know I was in Tokyo cos I hadn't read the script. Right.

Well, that's good.

Aren't you in charge of, like, this stuff?

I mean, Mum just told me to set up the cameras so I don't know

if signs with Japanese on them is my forte.

We put cameras everywhere. Shall I...?

I can show you some. We still have some in the, um...

Yeah, there's one in here.

Goes in there.

Shed and then trampoline.

I do accept the possibility that I got a little carried away.

It was a small thing at first.

A short "making of" to accompany series three. Georgia was in charge.

We'd done two, there was talk of a third

and we knew we wouldn't do a fourth, so...

I wanted to memorialise it. So you put cameras everywhere? Hm.

David is unpredictable, chaotic, even...

He picks things up and then he puts them down.

Sometimes he cocoons.

I didn't want to miss anything.

When production shut down,

it was decided to make something out of George's footage to finish off.

Were you disappointed?

Actually, I don't like who Michael is when he makes the show.

Who is he?

Yes, I will, I'll get them down now.

Simon, this whole thing of trying to pretend it's Christmas

is just getting ridiculous. It's the middle of bloody summer.

I'm having to put blankets... and my dressing gown is up there,

it's nailed to the wall,

to try and keep the incredibly bright summer sunshine out.

Michael is not an angry person,

but when he has to play that character

and spend days with Simon...

And let's cut... there.

SHOUTING: Give me a sign, Lord.

Why do you blight me with this idiot?

Is it something I've done?

Is it me?

It's not me, is it? It's not me, it's him!

That can't have been easy. It never has been. Never has been.

It has its challenges.

But they agreed to do a third series. Why?

Well...

DAVID ON PHONE: 'Episode one doesn't make any sense.'

MICHAEL ON PHONE: 'Why did he set it at Christmas?'

'Why am I in Japan?' 'Are you going to Japan?'

'Not as far as I know, no.'

'Did he only send you one and two?'

'He's only written one and two.'

'I mean, does he know where it's going?'

'Oh, I mean, who the fuck knows?'

'Oh, I don't wanna do it.' 'I don't wanna do either.'

EXHALES

How can it be busy and lifeless?

'He told Georgia that he wants to try something new.'

Is the second episode a farce?

I mean, plot contrivance has never been a missing ingredient...

I mean, there's not enough room for us to play.

Exactly, yes. Where's all the rat-a-tat-tat?

Yeah and the, "Knock, knock. Come on in."

And is there too much Simon?

Jesus... There's way too much Simon.

Where are you supposed to get a Christmas tree from in June?

Where were you getting a kimono?

I have a kimono, actually. Oh, do you?

It shrunk in the wash, though.

Mm, does your katana poke out?

I don't wanna do it.

No, I don't wanna do it either.

HE SIGHS

We should tell Anna and Georgia.

Are you phoning from the lavatory?

I only did that once.

There's a certain acoustic.

'I'm in the car.' Prove it.

I'm not in the toilet.

Sound the horn. 'My neighbour has a weak heart.'

Put the radio on.

Oh, for...

RADIO PLAYS There, happy now?

Hm...

They've set up cameras inside.

I know. I'm hiding upstairs in the loft.

'Oh, there's no cameras in there?' Georgia forgot about it.

Oh.

I come out here to read.

Ooh, I can't read in the car.

I can't drive in bookshops.

Did they put cameras in the car?

No. Anna told them not to.

Hm, nice.

Nice to have a little privacy.

Yeah. I don't like strangers being in my house.

Haven't you got Ty coming later to finish installing the cameras?

Yeah, this afternoon. Oh, I, er, I called Lily too.

From the car?

Yeah, well, the seats are warm.

Ah. How is she?

I try not to give advice.

She did that big film with Nicolas Cage, right? Hm.

Is there a word for jealousy mixed with pride?

Parenthood. Hm.

DAVID ON RADIO: '..a better interest rate for your mortgage,

'or help you repay your current mortgage...'

TURNS VOLUME UP

'..is the first choice for impartial advice...'

When did you do that? 'So check us out...'

Er... Oh. A couple of weeks ago?

RADIO: 'You can't borrow my barbecue!' They asked us both.

That... You said you didn't wanna do it.

No, WE said WE didn't wanna do it.

Well, I approve of those mortgages.

Do you prefer working on your own?

No! Then why did you do it?

I don't like to say no to people.

Hence your professional ubiquity.

It's an act of generosity.

And number of children. Oh!

Georgia's gonna be raging.

She's all set up downstairs with the camera person.

'That is her fault.

'You should've told her she shouldn't have jumped the gun.'

I admire your courage saying that from 200 miles away.

I'm not scared of her.

You're literally in a getaway car.

Cameramen intimidate me.

Well, any technician, actually.

Really? Why?

They know things I don't. I undo screws with a butter knife

and they can sense it.

Hm. David?

Oh! Right.

You should let her know. What, now?

'Yes. You tell Georgia, I'll tell Anna.'

Is Anna gonna be angry? No!

Then it's not a fair comparison.

Georgia's not a scary person!

Georgia has never once asked for help opening a jar.

The longer you leave it...

OK, I'll do it now.

Thank you.

He wrote you as snarky.

Simon?

In episodes one and two. Didn't he? He wrote us not getting on.

We never get on. Oh, come on!

We disagree about things, we always get on!

He wrote you sad.

Well, we're not doing it.

Simon writes what he sees.

You tell Georgia, I'll tell Anna.

Promise?

OK, I promise.

Right.

Good.

DAVID MUTTERS

PHONE BUZZES

TEXT ALERT

Oh!

Oh, it's Michael.

What has he got to...

"Has David told you we're not doing series three yet?"

Oh!

Episode one doesn't make any sense.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Why has he set it at Christmas?

Because it's a Christmas special.

Is it?

Wh...

Michael goes to buy a Christmas tree.

Yeah, but he's idiosyncratic.

You're flying home for Christmas.

Oh! Oh, I didn't get that at all.

Well, we finish on A Christmas Carol.

Right. Yeah. No, it makes sense now.

Episode two's a farce. So?

Doesn't give us any room to play.

You'll have to learn your lines, won't you?

Michael doesn't wanna do it.

Right, OK.

And what-what about you?

Yeah, I don't wanna do it either.

We said we would do it if it was different and/or good,

and it's neither, so...

OK.

Is it OK? Well, I can't make you do it, can I?

Ty? Yeah?

Stand down.

We're not going to Wales.

Right. Sorry, everyone.

It's fine.

Ty? Yeah?

You're going to Wales.

David?

You need to come and listen to this.

And this is what you need to tell Michael.

Usually you wanna catch any mix-ups early,

otherwise it spirals out of control, like a forest fire.

Everything's fine and then you take your eyes off for a second

and it's racing between the trees and scaring the squirrels.

I'm not proud of what I did,

but sometimes it can help to fan the flames.

Let the squirrels burn.

BIRDSONG

MOOING

Anna?

Michael.

Jesus! Ty!

When did you...

Just now. Oh, right.

You were setting up, were you? Yeah.

Mum wanted a few options,

so got one here, one behind you

and one over there.

Right. Well, thanks for coming.

I know it's a bit of a... um, schlep.

It's fine.

Cameramen intimidate me. OK.

Well, all technicians, actually.

They know things I don't.

Like what?

Erm... Types of screwdriver. I use a butter knife.

That's a cheese knife.

Can I ask your advice?

Sure. It's about David... Dad.

Your dad. Your David.

Just... Dad. Dad.

MAN: 'Michael, just in the car... talking to Josh.

'He doesn't need you... David. He'd be happy just one...'

HOOTING

Do you wanna do it without David? My dad?

I think he might do it without me. Why?

It's what he does.

When?

Radio adverts for mortgages.

Do you want to be doing radio adverts for mortgages?

Fuck, no.

Do you wanna do series three?

Will "Dad" do it without me?

You know Dad.

Hello, er, it's Michael Sheen here for Josh Drury.

Could you give me a call when you get a minute?

Thanks very much. Bye!

Feel better? No.

Can I get a cup of tea? Yeah.

Do you really think they'd do it with just one of us?

No.

No?

But... What?

What if he got sent the same message?

What did Michael's message say?

It said...

CLEARS HER THROAT

"Has David told you yet that we are not doing series three?"

He's checking we're not doing it so he can do it on his own.

No! No?

Although... What?

No, you said you didn't wanna do it! Yeah, but that was before.

Before what? Before he found out I did a mortgage advert.

What, and he got envious? He thinks I do things without him.

Well, you do do things without him. So he wants to do this without me?

Do you really think they'll be able to do it with just one of you?

No. No. Maybe.

Why would they pick Michael?

He's got a child to feed.

Well, you've got several hundred of 'em.

His is newer. Hm.

BUZZING Shit! It's the broadcaster.

CLEARS HER THROAT

Hi, Josh. 'Hi!'

Hi. You're on with David and I. Hello, Josh. 'Hi.'

I-I know that we owe you an update.

'Have you had the scripts from Simon?

'I had a missed call from Michael. Was he calling to confirm?'

Did you call him back? 'He didn't pick up.

'Is there news?' What are you doing?

That's it. That's it. Michael... Michael wants to do it without me.

You still don't want to do it.

I don't want him doing it either.

OK, right, let's just calm down, we'll just take a breather

and we will play it out in your head.

When has that ever worked out for me?

That's an excellent point.

We'll call Michael right now, let's do it in the bathroom. Come on. OK.

AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS

You OK out here? Fine.

I don't know if this is the best place for solvent glues.

Well, I'm waiting for the broadcasters to call.

They haven't phoned back? Er... I missed a call.

Why? I had glue on my hand!

Georgia's on the phone.

Do you know how many adverts David has done without me? No.

Are you gonna come out of this car? Not for a bit.

HE TURNS MUSIC OFF

Hi, Georgia.

Do you know how many adverts your husband has done without me?

'Um, no.

'Are you planning on doing a third series without him?'

I don't wanna do a third series.

'I don't wanna do it, either.'

Well, I don't believe you.

Why would I wanna do it?

Because A, you're pathologically incapable of saying no,

B, it's the only thing you've done in years that's any good, and C,

Georgia doesn't need you to open jars.

What have jars got to do with it? He's afraid that you'll be angry

when he loses you a best documentary Oscar.

Are you in the car again?

Are you in the airing cupboard?

No, we're hiding in the shower.

Why did you call the BBC?

How did you hear about that?

'From Josh.'

And why were you talking to Josh?

Why were YOU talking to Josh? That's the question.

That's the question I'm putting to you.

No, that's my question to you.

Were you telling him you want to do series three?

I don't want to do it!

I don't believe you.

Episode one makes no sense.

It's a Christmas special.

It's June!

QUIETLY: It is June.

It won't be when it goes out.

Well, it won't be when it goes out.

Yeah, well, the second episode is a farce.

And yet you're the one checking that we're not doing it together?

Yes. And that's so that you can do it on your own? Really?

I mean, what is it, Michael? Is it envy?

What do you think I'm envious of?

Well, me, obviously, and one tiny little mortgage commercial

that I dared to do without you.

ONE mortgage commercial?!

'Yep.'

ONE mortgage commercial?!

There's no need to be so angry.

Well, there's a lot of glue in here.

'I was me before we were us.'

I-I was me before you were you.

What does that mean?

That I'm older.

ADVERTS PLAY WITH DAVID'S VOICE

'Growing family? Annoying neighbour?

'Do you want to make your own Easter eggs?

'Are you thinking of moving house?

'Looking for second hand pets?

'In a world where bees are best...

'..Dental care...

'Smile, it's not that bad!'

I approve of all those products.

Well, guess what? I've had enough. Enough of what?

I don't wanna do series three. I don't wanna do it either.

And I'm sure as hell not gonna let you do something without me again!

I am not gonna do it. Well, I can't take that risk.

What, so you're gonna do it?

Yep.

Well, then, so am I!

I'm not happy about it. I'm furious!

Look forward to collaborating.

Oh, let's make something really special (!)

Well, it's good to know we don't need Simon

to bring chaos into our lives.

Georgia can do that, too. And get the results she needs from it.

Ooh!

I'm me. I'm me.

I think I have abandonment issues.

Is this about your summer as a pantomime horse?

I've been abandoned many times professionally.

Is this the story about your summer as a pantomime horse?

It always winds up heralding great good fortune for the abandoner.

Oh, well, that sounds promising.

Billie Piper leaves, goes on and wins an Olivier award,

I've never won an Olivier award.

Olivia Colman leaves, goes on, wins an Oscar.

That is compelling evidence.

What are you gonna get when you leave? A Nobel Prize.

About time.

I was left in the supermarket when I was younger.

I've tried to abandon you in dozens of supermarkets many times.

So you agreed to do series three?

Er, that's right.

That's right.

Well, it got rockier.

What happened?

Simon left.

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