All language subtitles for Planet.Sex.With.Cara.Delevingne.S01E05.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Here's how the fairy tale goes.

Fall in love.
Get married. Be faithful.

Grow old together and die.

I do.

Not.

I've lived most of my life
thinking marriage was my destiny.

But look around. Divorce everywhere

and a whole lot
of cheating going on.

It's the sex menu.

He's definitely not faithful.
Look at that guy.

The dream of one true love
ain't cutting it anymore.

And it's easy to find almost,

but love
is so much more complicated.

It's not a fairy tale.
If anything, it's a scary movie.

With, you know,
nice parts in the middle, yeah.

Is there a better way to find love
with more than just one person?

She's my wife,
and then he's our boyfriend.

This one is a polyamorous
group of people

hanging out together, casually.

Of course.

Is it your wedding day today?

-Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
-Thank you.

How many times
have you been in love?

This is probably the only time.

Do you believe that monogamy
is what comes naturally to humans?

I don't think that it's something
that comes naturally,

but I do think it's something
that... we've come to expect.

If for some crazy reason, one of you
ended up wanting someone else,

or, like, wanting
to explore maybe something,

would you expect
to be honest about it?

I guess it would depend
on the circumstances.

-Yeah.
-Um...

I think if I felt like there was
some sort of, like, premeditation,

-I think it'd be over immediately.
-Yeah, of course it would.

But I feel like if it was something
that happened unexpectedly

and if my heart felt
like I wanted to keep trying,

-I probably would do that. Yeah.
-Thank you.

You seem so calm for somebody
who's about to get married.

-Thank you.
-You look absolutely so stunning.

-I hope you have an incredible day.
-Thank you.

It's not the fairy tale
we've been fed.

I just think that's
what every fell... fairy...

What every fell...

Wow.

Every time I'm in love, I envision
marrying the person that I'm with,

and I do envision being with them
for the rest of my life.

I'm an old school-hopeless romantic
in that way.

Whether or not that lasts,
it's what I feel in that moment.

Once I'm in love, then it's, like...

and everything else
is just, "Goodbye, world."

But once you go through heartbreak
and then heartbreak and heartbreak,

you go, "Wait, this is not worth it.
This is silly."

If it breaks again, what if
it doesn't get back together?

I mean, I'm still mending
from not one relationship

but three, four... three.

Yeah.

Being in all these relationships,

I thought I knew
what I was looking for,

but maybe now
I don't really know what that is.

I want to discover
what else there is

because usually
I've just kind of gone for monogamy,

but maybe
that isn't the right answer.

I really want to believe in love
and marriage and all that stuff.

But after a string of relationships,
my love life needs a makeover.

So I'm starting by asking
the most basic question of all,

what is love?

Forget poets and philosophers.

This is one where science
might have the edge.

So, we are in Santa Barbara.

I'm about to meet a scientist
who is going to show me

what love looks like in my brain.

Or even if I have one at all, so...

The woman
with this terrifying power?

Bianca Acevedo.

She can tell if you are in love
just by scanning your brain.

-Hi. Hey. I'm Cara.
-Hi.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.

We're going to ask you
to change into scrubs

to make sure
you don't have any metal,

and then we'll get you started.

Oh, my God. Okay, cool.

Now, the idea
is that my brain will be scanned

while I look at a load of photos

of different people
from across my life.

Oh, my gosh, it's chilly.

Are these going to keep me warm?
Not really.

We're going to give you a blanket.

Pictures of family,
close friends and relationships.

I'll be talking to you.

I'll say, "This next scan
is gonna be five minutes long.

Hold still as much as you can."

If I feel love, my brain

will light up
in a very particular way

and the MRI machine

will basically reveal my secrets
to the world.

Okay, Cara, are you ready?

Yeah.

Counting down,
three, three, two, one.

The first photo
Bianca randomly selects

is an old friend
I'm extremely close to

and who also happens
to be incredibly attractive.

Now, how do we know
she's not asleep?

We don't.

Hey, Cara, how are you doing?

She's snoring.

She's snoring.

Cara?

-Cara? How are you doing?
-I'm good.

-You fell asleep.
-I know. I snore. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark.

And looking at my friend
just made me feel secure.

-Quick blast of caffeine...
-Goodnight.

...and it's back
into the love machine.

It's just really cosy here.

Here we go.

After a few more photos
of other friends and family,

Bianca shows me someone

I've had a rather complicated
relationship with.

We're looking
at what Cara's brain is doing

when she's looking
at images of her ex-partner.

How is everything going?

-Good.
-Fantastic.

We're going to come in
and get you now.

The study is over.

A quick breather,
and it's results time.

What did you find out?

Yeah, so we typically see this...

First up, my hot friend.

What does my brain have to say?

When you look at the picture
of the person you admire,

your brain activity
is not that much there.

Doc, you see a lack of love,
I see a sneaky snooze.

Now, let's see how my brain reacts
to a much more complex relationship.

So, you ready to see
your brain response to your ex?

Sure.

-This is the response to your ex.
-Jesus Christ.

So you're showing activity

in both the right and the left
ventral tegmental area

that we see
in people that are in love.

-Wait, what?
-We see this brain activation

-in people that are in love.
-No way.

Yep.

Right. Cool. Good to know.

Oh, God.

-Were you expecting to see that?
-Definitely not.

But I understand
there's a strong emotional response.

But it definitely wasn't love.
It was sadness and anger.

But is that what love
is meant to be like? No.

Well, we do see a lot of activation

in the areas related
to emotional memory.

Thanks brain for making me
aware of these things.

Apparently, feeling in love
stimulates bits of the brain

that release the rewarding,
feel-good chemical dopamine.

Love is basically a drug.

The ventral tegmental area
lights up in response to rewards.

So, in response
to the face image of your ex,

you still find it rewarding.

-Life is complicated.
-It is indeed.

One of the things
that has been most surprising

is just how tenacious love is.

Like, it's a really strong drive.

Even if couples
are not always doing great,

there is still
a strong bonding connection there.

They will still show

this intense reward-related activity
in their brain.

-Love is a beautiful thing.
-No.

But what Bianca's
uncomfortably revealing work shows

is that love is real and tenacious,

even if we're not always conscious
of our response.

No wonder it sometimes
feels like an addiction.

And that sense of reward leads us

to this whole business
of monogamous marriage.

I was definitely sold
the wedding... fantasy.

Yeah, it was all the idea

of, like, marrying someone
that will look after you

and maybe have,
like, a nice title in their name.

But I was like, "I just don't want
to rely on anyone ever.

I want to make all my own money
and I want to...

rely on myself and myself only.
See ya."

But that's me,
and that probably leans

into more of my little,
like, masculine boy side.

I don't feel
like monogamous marriage

would work for me,
and I know I'm not alone.

Welcome to Japan,

where those reservations
about old-school weddings

are getting a very modern twist.

I'll attend a wedding
I don't know much about,

but I've heard
it's not your average wedding.

Midori is 28 and a stunning bride.

So, what about the groom?

It started three years ago.
Well, when I first saw Morgyn,

I saw him, I was kind of surprised

and couldn't look directly
at him for a moment.

I felt like I was really struck.

I felt that I was already
attracted to him at first sight.

But when the groom is wheeled in,

this wedding suddenly takes
an unexpected turn.

He's a character

in a computer game
called The Sims 4,

and his name is Morgyn Ember.

I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.

It was something I used to play
a lot when I was younger.

I always felt very attached.

I've been following
his movements in the game

for a long, long time now.

And I've noticed
that he's giving me

a very favourable look
from behind the screen,

and I felt that in my heart.

We will continue to love

and support each other,

and to spend a lifetime together.

Now, I would like to ask
you two to please kiss.

I was afflicted by a severe
inferiority complex back then.

He accepts me exactly as I am.

And the moment I realised that,

I suddenly became able
to accept him as real.

How much pressure
was there to get married?

In Japan, the idea still remains

that women are supposed
to marry and have children.

More than ten years ago,
my mother told me,

"Hurry up and get married

so I can play
with my grandchildren."

I don't want to have children

just to be playthings
for my parents.

Okay, at first I was bamboozled.

But getting to know Midori,
I realise this is a unique reaction

to the weight
of her family's expectations.

Marrying fictional characters
isn't for me,

but I can massively relate to her.

What do you feel like meeting Morgyn

has made you understand
about yourself?

I believe, that Morgyn

is a transgender man.

I realised, I was able to learn,

that gender
is not just men and women.

And I thought,
while I was focusing on him,

"Maybe I'm not a woman either.

Maybe there's part of me
that feels masculine?"

Through Morgyn,
Midori discovered she's X-gender,

the Japanese equivalent
of non-binary.

Morgyn also helped Midori
unlock her sexuality.

I am probably bisexual,

but I wasn't able
to accept myself.

But because I liked Morgyn,

I realised it is something

that can be accepted as normal.

I'm beginning to get it.

Midori is young,
queer and gender-questioning

in a traditional society

where same-sex marriage
still isn't legal.

So she's living out
her dreams of love

through a monogamous
wedding ceremony

making the old rituals work for her.

We hereby pronounce the two of you
to be officially husband and wife.

Congratulations!

I feel that by actually holding
the wedding ceremony

here in the real world,

I really want to walk
more with him in this reality.

It's a step
beyond the relationship

between the player
and the person in the game.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Yay!

The love that was exuding,

you could feel it in every ounce
of what she was saying.

I felt so overly emotional
and happy for her,

and that's the most incredible thing
in the world.

She's found the greatest gift
in the world, self-love.

It's not just Japan

where heterosexual
monogamous marriage

is being questioned.

32% of Americans
have never walked down the aisle.

Global divorce rates
have nearly doubled since 1970.

So no surprise then
cheating is on the up, up, up.

Good luck staying faithful in Italy,
where 47% of men admit to affairs.

What about the boring old Brits?

Surprisingly, 20% of us
are playing away.

While across the pond in the US,

20% of men and 13% of women
fess up to marital infidelity.

Have you ever been cheated on?

What's that like?

It's rough.
Yeah, being cheated on is not ideal.

But, you know, I've also cheated.

I usually prefer
to be broken up with

than to break up with someone.

I find the guilt
of breaking up with someone harder

than being broken up with.

I'd rather stay in the relationship
until it eats me alive.

It's a very weird thing to do.

I don't know why I stay.

The problem is as well
when you don't have much self-worth,

if someone cheats on you,
you take them back and let it go,

which is the stupidest thing.

Once you lose trust for someone,
it will never come back.

Why continue being in a relationship
where you don't trust someone?

Beats me. But I've done it.

Cheating is so widespread,

it's a no-brainer we humans
find strict monogamy so difficult.

But in one country,
changing attitudes toward infidelity

appear to have created
a business opportunity.

Mexico City,
devoutly Catholic, nuns galore.

Yet, if you're looking for a place
for some very glamorous two-timing,

here you're spoilt for choice.

Now we are going to a love hotel

to see one
of the most important factors,

which is privacy.

Where guilt and shame
are not invited.

It is made to enjoy and relax.

Aidee has seen
more than a hundred love hotels

open in Mexico City
in the last ten years.

And they're all over the country.

"What's a love hotel?"
I hear you ask.

Well, this ought to give you a clue.

Firstly, we know
that there is a market for adultery.

We have different attractions
in different rooms.

But there is a wonderful feature,

which is the sex menu.

And this means
that you can order to your room

anything from costumes,
lubricants, love toys.

We really insist
you get out of bed

and do the same things
in brand new ways.

Can you bring me
some drinks, please?

Yes. Thanks.

I think they've arrived.

Here it is. Drinks. Okay?

The waiter
has brought them already.

Without me having
to interact with anyone.

Today visiting a hotel
equals cheating.

But why are all these love hotels
appearing now?

Well, until recently,
just having an affair in Mexico

could land you in jail.

Then ten years ago, the law changed.

Suddenly, cheating was legal.

And love hotels
went from secret and seedy

to boutique and mainstream.

Five out of every ten women
and six out of every ten men

admit to having been unfaithful.

Whereas ten or 15 years ago,

it was basically 60% of men
and 30% of women.

That's a near doubling
of infidelity rates

amongst the ladies
in a decade or so.

So, it's really interesting
how women

maybe now they are admitting
to being unfaithful

more than they did before.

Or maybe they are more open
to having these affairs.

Changing the law lifted
the penalties for infidelity

for both men and women.

Yeah, go equality!

But is equal opportunities adultery
actually a win?

Let's just say yes.

Now the gap between men
who admit to being unfaithful

and women who admit
to having been unfaithful

at least once in their lives

has completely closed.

But is it really a surprise

that so many of us
are rubbish at monogamy?

After all, we're animals,

and zoo keeper Alexi Grousis

reckons we've got a lot to learn
from the birds and the bees.

And don't forget the horny beasts.

You want to check out these animals?
I'll lead the way.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

When we look at the animal kingdom,

especially the animals
that are most closely related to us,

we see that monogamy

is not as common
as we'd like to think it is.

Look at him. I make owl sounds.

Oh, my God, owls are so cool.

Monogamy is most commonly seen
in birds, less so in the primates.

When you look at the primates,
they get a little more promiscuous.

I'm more feather than fur,
I think, so far at least.

And as for the reptiles...

Turn around.
He's definitely not faithful.

Look at that guy.

And, guys, no prizes for guessing
which bit of your anatomy

shows just where us humans lie
on the fidelity spectrum.

-What is this?
-Yeah.

I've put together
a nice little demonstration for you.

I've got the relative testes size
of different animals.

-So...
-Can we call them...?

-I don't. I'm American.
-I'm English, though.

-All right. They're...
-Or testes or whatever you...

Wait, what? You can't say...?

-Is that a bad word?
-But you can say "testes"?

-It might be wise to say testicles?
-Testicles.

Testicles? That's... Oops.

When we look at this one right here,

this is roughly the size
of an owl monkey's testicles,

which is a very monogamous animal.

The testicle size
is almost directly related

to the amount of sperm produced.

But is that meaning
the bigger... you have,

the more likely you are
to be less monogamous?

Potentially. This one right here,

that would be the rough size
of a chimpanzee testicle.

-No!
-Yeah.

So big... equals promiscuity.

They produce a lot of sperm

and a lot of males
compete with each other.

-I have a lot of questions now.
-Yeah.

Well, before you ask those,
let me show you this one.

And humans

are neither strictly monogamous
nor highly promiscuous.

-We sit kind of right in the middle.
-In the middle.

That's never something
I've heard with... before.

Yeah, no kidding, right?

Right, let's get this straight.

Nature has given us,
I mean, males, medium sized...

Sorry, testicles.

It sounds like we're designed
to be neither totally monogamous,

nor totally polygamous.

Let's say, flexible.

So, biology says flexible,
but society wants stable.

Can we square the circle and have
both variety and commitment?

Here's an idea.
How about throupling it up?

-My name is Johnisha.
-My name is Jeron.

And my name is Destiny.

She's my wife,
and then he's our boyfriend.

-Oh, you did the same thing.
-I did.

I personally like the uncomfort

of, like, when we walk into a room

and nobody knows
what our dynamic is.

People fill in the details
how they will.

So, what brought
this tantalising trio together?

We got married last year.

We had actually started wanting
to have kids around that time.

We either wanted a donor,
or we wanted somebody

that was going to also be
like a father in the life.

So, me and Jeron
actually dated seven years ago,

and we stayed friends

and eventually,
like, being in a throuple

sort of kind of fell into our lap.

As far as it being all three people
on the same page,

-this is my first time.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. For all three of us.
-Yeah, same. For all three.

We're always getting like,
"Don't you guys get jealous?

Oh, I could never share my man."

But he's like,
"Oh, you got two girlfriends?

High five dude!" Like...

Usually it always goes to sex.

"How do you guys have sex?"
Like, I don't know. Google. Like...

Especially in the beginning, we had
a lot of just honest conversations.

If you can't communicate
with just one partner,

two partners is going to be harder.

So communication is key.

Good thing this throuple
have communication sorted

because baby Isiah's arrival
means domestic arrangements

need a lot more thought
and organisation.

There was a lot of questions

about how logistically
everything would work.

With there being
three sets of grandparents

and three sets of aunts and uncles,

everybody wanted to make sure
they'd have their time.

Relationships come
in all different ways.

It's not something I'd do.

But, you know... I figure,
if you don't like it, don't do it.

But it seems
that it's working with them.

I like the way
they get along together

and, you know, co-parent.

I give them credit.

Society says
you should be with one person,

but, you know, we are human
and we have these emotions,

so I don't think it should just be
limited to just one person.

It doesn't have to be for everyone,

but, you know, it works for us,
and we're happy with it.

It's just more love.

It's just more parents.
It's more grandparents.

It's more aunts, more uncles.

Our village to raise our baby
is already a step ahead of most.

These suburban throuple trailblazers

show that relationship dynamics
are all different.

And they've created
an alternative type of family

that works for them.

Maybe now's the time for me

to seriously consider
my relationship future.

Monogamy
has never worked out for me.

But are there any right answers?

Luckily, I know
just the evolutionary anthropologist

to help.

So yeah, I want to ask you
what is biologically, socially...?

Am I meant to be monogamous?

What can I do? Tell me, doctor.

So, the inputs into how we end up

in terms of our relationship
structures are two, okay?

You have the biological input,
your instincts.

But then we have the really quite
powerful cultural influence

on how you behave in relationships
and what structures you find.

And that's really influenced

by what society
tells you is expected,

maybe the religion you follow,

your examples
as you were brought up.

That can actually overpower

that biological instinct.
There's no right answer.

The organisation of relationships
is a spectrum.

We've got, like, monogamy here,

right up to more complex things
like polyamory.

Given absolute free rein as a human,
you should have the choice

to sit on that spectrum
where you feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, obviously,
in many societies

that freedom is not there.

What's your life experience,
your relationship history?

I mean, it's...

I've usually tend to have been
in long-term relationships,

quite close-ish to each other,

and, you know,
always been monogamous

until like there's been, like...

maybe an arrangement
made at some point later in,

but that's always been
the end of it, anyway.

I don't know,
I've been single for two years.

Because I have been single

for the longest time
I ever have been,

I would like someone to tell me,
"This is what you're meant to have."

If it is, "You should be married
with a girlfriend and a boyfriend,"

I'd be, like, "Dope, cool.
Now I know what I'm aiming for,

and let me fill those spots."

You meet one person,
get married, have kids.

Like, I like someone telling me
what I need to go for

instead of kind
of this just endless...

How many people,
one person or what gender, or...

Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.

It's way more complicated
because how do I know when that...

How do I know
when I've found my family?

So, forget right and wrong.

The relationships
that work for us as individuals

are a stew of biology, social norms
and good-old fashioned lust.

Society sold me
the dream of monogamy.

But polygamy,
multi-partner marriage,

dates way back to ancient times

and is legal or tolerated
in over 50 countries.

Problem is, in most cases,

it's one man, many wives,
and I've got to say,

it seems like it's not a good deal
for women.

But one woman is on a mission
to shake all that up.

I currently have
three intimate partners.

Nyamakela, he is a heterosexual man.

He is the father of my children.
He's my fiancé.

Also, my nesting partner,

which basically means
we do house things together,

we take care of the children,
we have bills,

we have that every day
kind of living relationship.

Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.

And my second partner is Kerline.

Kerline, come get.

Our dynamic
is more of a BDSM dynamic.

We met through a mutual friend,
and I'm struggling to focus

because Muvumbi's doing this thing.

She has like this twinkle thing
that happens.

Why are you... twinkling at me?

Because I love you.

My third partner is MJ.
MJ is my light love affair.

We love listening to music together
and holding hands.

Muvumbi's got a lot,
literally, all bases covered.

Domesticity, intimacy and BDSM.

So, what more does she want?

Well, she also wants to get married.

If I can marry a man and a woman,
that's always been my dream.

There's just one problem.

At the moment,
that's illegal in South Africa.

Men can marry
multiple wives, polygyny.

At one time, former South African
president Jacob Zuma had four wives.

But women cannot marry
multiple husbands, polyandry,

let alone take a wife and a husband.

I'm an activist and I think
that I'm very vocal about polyamory

because it is so close
to my value, which is freedom.

I am a member of Poly ZA,

which is a polyamorous group
in South Africa.

Muvumbi is campaigning to get
the law changed, and guess what?

The government's now mulling over

a new bill
that would legalise polyandry.

The signing of the bill

to make it legal for women
to marry more than one lover

opens that up for me.

I think it's my right
to have access to all pleasure.

Men have been living that,
and we all want equal rights.

Even though a lot of people
feel like poly people

aren't about commitment
and marriage, I really am.

And I want to build a family.
I want to build a tribe.

-Hi.
-Hey, babe. Hey, boyfriend.

I think I'm the resident boyfriend.

That's the best title
I can think of, you know.

But the thing is, Nyamakela
is really not your average guy.

-Yeah.
-The fact that this is possible,

that I can make a salad
with my two lovers

makes me so happy.

So, Muvumbi wants to marry everyone?

I wouldn't say the more the better
because you can get saturated.

Everybody has their limits, yeah.
And I think right now mine is three.

My saturation limit? Not sure yet.

Can I really imagine myself
marrying multiple partners?

In my fantasy in now,
what am I thinking about?

Yeah, I would love to live on a farm
with my five wives and one man.

Can I say that?

I don't want five wives.
That's exhausting.

Okay, loads of husbands and wives
may not be for me.

So, how do I work out what is
my ideal kind of relationship?

Can science help me decide?

I don't think it's very attractive
that I'm spitting.

What are they going to test
with this?

So, this is like a genotyping test.

Hold, please.

Different things to basically see

if... like, to tell me more
about my biology of relationships.

If I'm genetically destined
to be in long-term relationships,

-or if I'm more likely to be single.
-Amazing. All from a bit of spit.

All from a bit of spit.

And for the results?

Well, it's back
to my brainy friend, Dr Anna.

We asked you for some of your spit
and we extracted the DNA from that.

And what we're looking at
is three particular genes

associated with how you behave
when you're in love.

So, no gene is deterministic,
but it's a good pointer.

How did you find this?

How do we correlate that
between the actual genes

and what it shows
with our relationship history?

Okay, so what we did
was we took a lot of spit

from about 4,000 people.

We took their relationship histories
and lots of psychological measures

about their attachment,
their socio-sexual orientation,

their empathy,
all these different sorts of things.

And we looked
as whether there was a relationship

between certain genes
and some of those traits.

There certainly is
a genetic influence

on the way we love,
on the way we feel,

and in terms of how we behave
when we're in a relationship.

You're so good at your job, man.
It's amazing.

I'm so... I just want to know...
I can't... What else do I do?

So, Cara, your test results show

that you do not have
the nesting gene.

So you are not overly motivated
to be in a long-term pair bond.

That you sit midway
on the empathy spectrum

and that you do not have the gene

that's going to increase
the likelihood that you are single.

Again, confusing, but I like it.

So, your propensity is
more towards having a relationship

than not having a relationship.

None of these things are making me
so sure about who I am.

This is because love is complicated.

Yeah, that's why I long
to not be single,

but I love being alone.

Nesting. Get it. Kind of.

My genes aren't my destiny.

That's a complex mix of environment,
biology and just plain chance.

In fact, the cutting-edge research
Anna talked about

shows 32% of people in relationships

carry the gene making them
more likely to be single.

But it looks like genetics are
a powerful influence on intimacy.

Yeah, so I learnt
that... I am not a nester.

I'm medium empathy.

People feel double as much as me
to other people.

That's like a lot.
Yeah, I hate being medium.

I never want to be middle anything.
I'd rather have none or all.

That I get obsessive.

So I'm not likely to have
long-term relationships genetically,

but I don't wanna be single either.
That's cool, confusing.

Thanks, Mum and Dad.
I definitely do want to change.

I think I have
a very unhealthy relationship

with attachment, with love,
still with self-love and patterns.

And it's just...
the longer I stay single,

I realise it takes
a long time to change.

So, is there a way to have it all?

The variety and thrills
that come with more than one partner

but instead of being
deceptive and secretive about it,

being open and honest instead.

Funny story,
here I am frantically searching

for a group of polyamourists.

No luck so far.

But I have found
a fabulous santarillion 1964.

Here we go. Hurrah!

So cool. Hi, guys.

-Hi!
-Hi!

Welcome to a polyamorous
cocktail party,

run by the fabulously named
Sex Positive LA.

So, I'm really excited
to meet all of you guys.

I've always been curious

about different ways
of relationships.

I think a lot of people
aren't even aware of the options.

This is an interesting time.

It's kind of, like,
a new sexual revolution

of people really figuring out
what's going to make them happy

and seeing that there's
different ways to do things.

And you don't have to sacrifice
your happiness for someone else.

Looks like I've found an explorer

who's been
on this relationship journey

for longer than me.

This one is a polyamorous
group of people

hanging out together, casually,

and, like, nerd out
about what it means to be poly...

I love that nerding out about poly.
That's interesting.

I don't now what the rules are.
Are there rules?

There's no one way
to do any of this.

Just like there's not one way
to do monogamy.

So, there's different types
of polyamory.

For example, solo poly.

One person dating multiple people,
but kind of no ties to each person.

There's kitchen table polyamory,

where there's maybe multiple people

who are with all other partners
and get along harmoniously.

-Um...
-Cool.

There's a V that's literally
the like letter V.

So, there's one person
dating two people.

There's endless
different configurations.

To be polyamorous, do you have
to relinquish jealousy completely?

Most polyamorous people would say
that jealousy comes up for them.

Communication is so important.

Like, what is the reason
why I feel jealous?

Like, something emotional happening,

I felt like you should have been
checking in with me as we all as...

Sure, and that's the thing.
In a harmonious poly relationship,

you would be figuring out
how to thwart that

before it gets to that point
of anger or resentment.

I love the constant communication.

Because of the relationships
I've been in

I was very unable to express

when I was hurt,
when I wasn't treated well.

I'm now desperate to learn

about the highs and lows
of polyamory

from people who live them.

What drew you to polyamory?
What does it mean to you?

-What has it brought to your life?
-It's just a way of being.

-It's my identity.
-Yeah.

So, it's not taking anything away
from any other person,

and it's just adding more.

Really gives you the opportunity
to figure out

what works for you
and your partner, or partners.

Just honesty.

Which might change and develop.

Doesn't need
to be the same for everyone.

Unfortunately, it ruins almost
every love story in most movies.

From our perspective, when somebody
is like, "Oh, I love them and them."

We're always like, "Both!"

Love them all. Yes, be transparent.
We'll be over it.

So, I'm married,
and my discovery of polyamory

sort of coincided
with meeting my wife.

I'd just gotten out
of a relationship

where we tried to be just open.

I was in a relationship
when I was asked to open it,

which I basically knew
was the end of the relationship

because to me an open relationship
didn't make sense.

But polyamory makes more sense. Why?

I would say that polyamory
falls under the category

of a certain type
of open relationship maybe?

But most people when they're asking
for the open relationship,

they're asking to be open sexually
and then to not have any feelings.

-Which is... yes.
-Which you can't really control.

In a lot of previous
monogamous relationships,

I've felt... leashed,
I've felt collared,

and that makes me want
to break out more.

Yes, feel trapped,
2so you want to be,

"Okay, I'm not a caged animal."

In this short moment,
I can see how individual, how smart,

how emotionally developed
all these things...

I can always, like, refrain
myself sexually,

but emotionally
I have connections with people.

And that was never okay.

Thank you.
Each of you dropped something.

I was like, "Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, yay!"

I cannot even explain
how much I learned

in such a short amount of time.

I was always intrigued
by polyamory, the idea.

I think it gets a bad rep.

People talk about it
who don't understand it

in so many different ways.

And I still don't know.
I can have solo polyamory...

Whatever I'm experiencing right now
definitely leads more towards...

something
that isn't conventional, for sure.

I still don't know what it is.

But I'm so much more excited
to continue exploring

without feeling the unsureness
or guilt or aloneness

that I guess I was before.

What I have learnt
in this whole experience

is the dynamics and the beauty
of so many different relationships.

No one can tell you
how to live your relationship

or what the rules are.

I think there are no rules.

The way that we're moving
into the future is so much more open

and able to let people
be who they want

and love who they want
and how they want.

I don't know if I can be
in love with multiple people,

but I love multiple people.

And I feel very lucky to be able
to have that support and bond

with so many people.

But, in terms of love,
the most important relationship

and the most important love
you can have is for yourself.

There's no point
being in a relationship

until you can fully love yourself

because you can't truly love someone
until you do.

So, while I spend my days
figuring all this shit out,

there's only
one special someone for me.

He is... yes, it is a he,

loyal, faithful, a perfect match.

And yes, just a little naughty.

This is perfect puppy love.

Subtitles: Lea Espector
plint.com