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1
00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:40,430
Ah, boy, do I love
the Fall Festival.
2
00:00:40,449 --> 00:00:42,049
Especially how
everywhere you turn
3
00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:43,876
is the smell of pumpkin spice.
4
00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,435
Pumpkin spice.
5
00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:48,772
Sounds like a reject
from a female British pop band.
6
00:00:49,775 --> 00:00:51,775
Quit tossing your scarf
over your shoulder
7
00:00:51,794 --> 00:00:52,867
to punctuate your jokes.
8
00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:54,036
You know what, Peter?
9
00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:55,128
I like me.
10
00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:56,630
Look, "Guess Your Weight."
11
00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:01,310
With a line that long, I'll
guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
12
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:04,045
Oop, see you in a few.
13
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,065
Got scarfed up.
14
00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:14,131
No. No, no, no.
15
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:15,966
I don't... I don't
throw in public.
16
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,651
Ugh, and I only fetch.
17
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,665
All right, I'll see
if I can get my money back.
18
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,747
Excuse me?
19
00:01:29,906 --> 00:01:32,257
Oh, cool. I like your tattoo.
20
00:01:32,409 --> 00:01:35,243
Oh, that? Yeah, that's the
Hormone Monstress.
21
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,154
She likes sex
and I like sex, so I figured
22
00:01:37,172 --> 00:01:39,914
I'd permanently disfigure
myself with something
23
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,159
I'd seen on Netflix three times.
24
00:01:42,177 --> 00:01:43,677
You like sex, huh?
25
00:01:43,829 --> 00:01:46,555
You, uh, wouldn't maybe want
to grab dinner sometime?
26
00:01:46,665 --> 00:01:49,257
Nah, but I'll bang you
in the porta-potty
27
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,593
back by the
very loud generators.
28
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,004
The one that smells like all
different pees mixed together?
29
00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,447
Um, hell yes.
30
00:01:55,674 --> 00:01:56,674
See ya, Stewie.
31
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:57,674
Wait, you're just going to
32
00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:58,784
leave me here by myself?
33
00:01:58,894 --> 00:02:00,435
Look at all these
ne'er-do-wells.
34
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,497
When's that guy
gonna do well? Ne'er.
35
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:10,370
Hello, carnival-goers, and
welcome to "Generation Gap,"
36
00:02:10,522 --> 00:02:12,689
where we learn which of these
parents and kids
37
00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:13,799
know each other best.
38
00:02:14,026 --> 00:02:16,135
How'd you get Dad to agree
to be in this?
39
00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:18,804
I rescued him from
the corn maze, so he owes me.
40
00:02:18,955 --> 00:02:19,955
Oh.
41
00:02:20,032 --> 00:02:21,456
Yeah, he was crying.
42
00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:22,808
Okay, first question:
43
00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:25,385
Parents, what does your child
want to be
44
00:02:25,537 --> 00:02:27,220
when they grow up?
45
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,815
How did you answer,
Team Number One?
46
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,483
Lady NASA scientist.
47
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,135
Okay, weird, and what did
you say, Dad?
48
00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:35,896
Hidden Figures gal?
49
00:02:36,048 --> 00:02:36,880
Judges?
50
00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:37,972
A match.
51
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,400
Team Number Two?
52
00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:42,068
You both said, "Retire after
53
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,312
large personal
injury settlement."
54
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,313
Bravo.
55
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,148
Team Three?
56
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:50,560
Guy who holds the "Slow" sign
during road construction.
57
00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:52,229
And, Dad, you said...?
58
00:02:52,247 --> 00:02:53,687
Leprechaun.
59
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,734
Ooh, our first wrong answer.
60
00:02:57,827 --> 00:02:58,902
Fat Leprechaun?
61
00:02:58,921 --> 00:02:59,921
Also incorrect.
62
00:03:00,072 --> 00:03:01,140
You may not understand the game.
63
00:03:01,164 --> 00:03:02,347
Next question:
64
00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:06,518
Kids, what would your parent
say is their hobby?
65
00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:07,744
Team Number One?
66
00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,079
Refurbishing people's
67
00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:10,096
garage door openers.
68
00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:11,339
That's a match.
69
00:03:11,433 --> 00:03:12,993
It's one button.
70
00:03:13,085 --> 00:03:15,068
You just got to fix one button.
71
00:03:19,608 --> 00:03:21,700
Okay, final question.
72
00:03:21,851 --> 00:03:25,429
Team Three, who is your child's
favorite singer?
73
00:03:25,447 --> 00:03:27,113
The Price is Right yodeler.
74
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:29,524
What? No. I said Adele.
75
00:03:29,618 --> 00:03:30,618
Judges?
76
00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,622
Ugh, this is more humiliating
77
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,700
than my first day working at
that rice pilaf company.
78
00:03:38,794 --> 00:03:42,446
You know, I think we can start
putting pilaf in other things.
79
00:03:42,464 --> 00:03:45,115
Lois, can I see you
in my office for a second?
80
00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:49,728
I told you not to rock
the boat over there.
81
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,234
Oh, there you are, little dude.
82
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:57,827
Ah, finally back from
the carnival, I see.
83
00:03:57,829 --> 00:03:59,238
Ah, it was amazing.
84
00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:01,889
I got to tell you
all about Amber, amigo.
85
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,984
"Little dude"? "Amigo"?
86
00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:06,820
Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
87
00:04:06,972 --> 00:04:08,730
I don't know, I-I spent
the whole afternoon
88
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,249
drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
89
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,308
It's "Stewie."
90
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:12,567
Stewie, right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
91
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:16,146
Anyway, Amber is, like,
the perfect girl for me.
92
00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,497
How old is she, even?
93
00:04:17,649 --> 00:04:18,982
Well, she's so weathered
94
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,761
that that's a hard number
to peg.
95
00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:23,153
Either 27 or 61.
96
00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:25,505
But the thing is, Stewie,
she's leaving town
97
00:04:25,657 --> 00:04:27,507
with the carnival
in three days, Stewie,
98
00:04:27,659 --> 00:04:31,937
so it's sex-sex-sex and
then "adios," Stewie.
99
00:04:32,164 --> 00:04:34,756
By the way, and, like,
relax about this,
100
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:38,026
but is abortion
still legal in Rhode Island?
101
00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:44,174
Peter, it was humiliating
having the whole town witness
102
00:04:44,192 --> 00:04:46,860
you and Chris not knowing the
first thing about each other.
103
00:04:47,012 --> 00:04:48,512
I know the first
thing about him.
104
00:04:48,514 --> 00:04:51,681
It was his goopy head squishing
out of you like toothpaste.
105
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,351
Peter, it's important
a boy knows his father.
106
00:04:54,369 --> 00:04:56,703
Now go up to Chris' room
and talk to him.
107
00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:03,095
Hey, Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
108
00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:04,361
Next door over, Chief.
109
00:05:04,379 --> 00:05:05,545
Roger that.
110
00:05:06,715 --> 00:05:08,359
Yeah, Pop? What's up?
111
00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:09,583
Oh, I'm so sorry.
112
00:05:10,536 --> 00:05:12,218
- Chris?
- Yes?
113
00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:13,371
Phew.
114
00:05:24,474 --> 00:05:26,377
Is there something
you want, Dad?
115
00:05:26,401 --> 00:05:28,718
I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
116
00:05:28,737 --> 00:05:30,974
We-we embarrassed her in front
of the town or something.
117
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,314
Ugh, that is so Mom,
118
00:05:33,392 --> 00:05:35,817
always getting mad about
stuff that doesn't even matter.
119
00:05:36,027 --> 00:05:37,485
Oh, my God, tell me about it.
120
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,504
I can't tell you how tired
I am of hearing,
121
00:05:39,565 --> 00:05:42,732
"Peter, don't use my hair dryer
to dry your anus."
122
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,734
Yeah, or
123
00:05:44,753 --> 00:05:47,904
"Chris, stop freezing
bees until they fall asleep
124
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,997
and gluing little leashes
on them."
125
00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:51,741
Totally.
126
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,720
God, I can't believe
you notice this stuff, too.
127
00:05:53,837 --> 00:05:57,247
Oh, you mean like how if a pair
of her underpants goes missing
128
00:05:57,416 --> 00:05:59,524
she can't just let it go
and move on?
129
00:05:59,676 --> 00:06:00,842
Exactly.
130
00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:06,198
Well, sounds like bonding to me.
131
00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:09,534
Looks like somebody worked some
pretty good mom magic.
132
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,412
Huh? Where the hell
are all my underpants?
133
00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:20,695
Okay, place your bets.
134
00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:23,197
Burn or melt?
135
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,275
I'm gonna say
a little bit of melt,
136
00:06:25,293 --> 00:06:27,677
and then a lot
of very quick burn.
137
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,801
Wow, would not have expected
rainbow sparks.
138
00:06:34,953 --> 00:06:36,878
Lot of chemicals
near my baby's foot.
139
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,472
Well, look at you two
getting along.
140
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,044
Now I wonder who made
that happ...
141
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,309
Oh, my God, are you
lighting fires in the house?
142
00:06:43,462 --> 00:06:45,478
Huh. Just what we
guessed you'd say.
143
00:06:45,631 --> 00:06:47,391
Yeah, it was either
gonna be that or,
144
00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:50,075
"I'm Lois. When I don't
hit my step goals,
145
00:06:50,226 --> 00:06:53,319
I spin my arm
around to trick my Fitbit."
146
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,940
Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
147
00:06:57,066 --> 00:06:59,734
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one.
148
00:06:59,828 --> 00:07:02,996
"I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet
149
00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:06,407
as I circle things in catalogs
I'll never afford."
150
00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:12,097
Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
151
00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:18,511
All right, men, looks like Mom's
got this one under control.
152
00:07:18,664 --> 00:07:22,274
Now back to the station for
spaghetti and a group shower.
153
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,176
Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
154
00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,603
- Amber, come meet Stewie.
- Pass.
155
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,181
Ooh, he's so cute.
156
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,700
I just got to kidnap him,
don't I?
157
00:07:40,869 --> 00:07:41,869
Would you like that?
158
00:07:41,945 --> 00:07:43,186
I stuff you in a duffel bag,
159
00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:45,446
zip it up, we're in Indiana
before you know it?
160
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:46,781
Charmed.
161
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,874
Isn't she awesome?
162
00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:49,226
You want to come inside, babe?
163
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:51,263
Nah, I'm just gonna park it here
for a few hours
164
00:07:51,287 --> 00:07:56,141
and watch Fuller House
on my stepson's cracked iPad.
165
00:07:56,368 --> 00:07:59,703
I'm telling you, Stewie, this
thing is all next-level sex.
166
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:03,206
The rugs in her van are just
filled with crushed Froot Loops.
167
00:08:03,225 --> 00:08:05,967
So, while we're doing it, I can
lean over and lick the crumbs.
168
00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,877
I'm familiar with
the temptations
169
00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:09,616
of crushed Froot Loops,
thank you.
170
00:08:10,473 --> 00:08:12,716
Brian, you should know
the Nextdoor app
171
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,141
is on fire right now.
172
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,995
"Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
173
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:18,738
"Here's a photo of the van."
174
00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:21,983
"I checked with the police
and we can't get rid of the van
175
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,818
unless we witness
criminal activity."
176
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,562
And then just some
nervous comments
177
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:28,340
about the Black Amazon driver,
but you get the gist.
178
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,904
Hurry up, gang,
the movie starts soon.
179
00:08:34,998 --> 00:08:36,163
What are we seeing, Mom?
180
00:08:36,258 --> 00:08:38,591
Oh, something I've been
waiting forever for:
181
00:08:38,744 --> 00:08:41,427
Penelope's Struggle
starring Renée Zellweger.
182
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,004
The dramatic, true story
183
00:08:43,098 --> 00:08:45,765
of the first female
carriage driver for the Queen.
184
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,417
That movie sounds terrible.
185
00:08:47,435 --> 00:08:49,672
And, besides, Chris and I had
our hearts set on seeing
186
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,422
the re-release of
You Don't Mess with the Zohan,
187
00:08:52,515 --> 00:08:54,866
now remastered to be 40% louder.
188
00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:58,611
Oh, but, Peter,
you know I always choose
189
00:08:58,764 --> 00:09:00,764
the movie for
family movie night.
190
00:09:00,932 --> 00:09:02,615
It's tradition.
191
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:07,771
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing
Chris and me are two guys.
192
00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:09,363
And you're only one guy.
193
00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:11,212
So, technically,
we can outvote you.
194
00:09:11,276 --> 00:09:13,276
I'm sorry. Out-outvote me?
195
00:09:13,369 --> 00:09:15,111
But... but what about Meg?
196
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,203
I-I mean, she obviously
gets a vo...
197
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,298
All in on Zohan, bro.
198
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,541
My armpit is smelly
199
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:23,728
and now you smell like
my smelly armpit.
200
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,880
The whispers in this movie
201
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,358
would be yells in other movies.
202
00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:35,815
Ugh, these are basically steps,
203
00:09:35,984 --> 00:09:37,725
it's the same thing as steps.
204
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,819
You can put all that away, Lois.
205
00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:42,116
Me and Chris just bought
dinner at the grocery store.
206
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,974
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
207
00:09:45,026 --> 00:09:47,310
Okay, so everybody gets
four puddings
208
00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:49,009
and their own package
of bologna.
209
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,481
But I spent all day
making lasagna.
210
00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,149
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
211
00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:54,168
Shall we take a vote?
212
00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:55,594
All in favor say "aye."
213
00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:56,820
- Aye.
- Aye.
214
00:09:56,838 --> 00:09:57,838
The "ayes" have it.
215
00:09:57,914 --> 00:09:59,246
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
216
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,507
Oh, and we're dragging
the TV into the dining room.
217
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,676
What? You know that's
not allowed.
218
00:10:03,829 --> 00:10:04,828
Vote? All in favor say "aye."
219
00:10:04,846 --> 00:10:05,846
- Aye.
- Aye.
220
00:10:05,997 --> 00:10:08,523
"Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
221
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,337
Dad, can we watch
The White Lotus?
222
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:15,096
Why not?
223
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,430
I poop in a suitcase,
224
00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:18,035
I'm wrestled
to the ground at LaGuardia.
225
00:10:18,059 --> 00:10:20,243
Gold statue.
226
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:25,682
Oh, boy.
227
00:10:25,775 --> 00:10:26,850
What? What is it?
228
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,034
Text from Amber:
229
00:10:28,186 --> 00:10:30,019
"We should talk
about where this is going."
230
00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:32,188
Man, what if she wants
to get married?
231
00:10:32,207 --> 00:10:34,259
Ugh, looks like I have
to break things off with her.
232
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:41,714
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text...
233
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,867
Brian, this here
ain't working out.
234
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,292
We need to break up.
235
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,812
What?
You're breaking up with me?
236
00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:51,207
Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal.
237
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,467
Yeah, I've been thinking.
238
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:55,211
We don't really
have much in common.
239
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:57,822
I mean, you don't know
a single Kid Rock lyric
240
00:10:58,049 --> 00:11:00,383
or the names of
any monster trucks.
241
00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:03,644
Monst... I...
Grave Maker, that's one.
242
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:07,165
Ah! Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
243
00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,559
Come on, what's this
really about?
244
00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,372
Is this because I couldn't
smash that Percocet
245
00:11:11,396 --> 00:11:12,671
into powder fast enough?
246
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:18,551
Goodbye, Brian.
247
00:11:20,588 --> 00:11:23,848
Wow, buddy, I just want you
to know that I'm...
248
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,091
She's stealing our mail.
249
00:11:25,243 --> 00:11:26,601
She's stealing our mail!
250
00:11:29,672 --> 00:11:31,431
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
251
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:33,152
This is gonna be
252
00:11:33,176 --> 00:11:36,102
a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup
conversation.
253
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,439
All right. Time to get
some work done.
254
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,423
Don't mind me.
255
00:11:40,442 --> 00:11:42,425
This is screenwriting software.
256
00:11:42,518 --> 00:11:43,905
You've probably
never seen it before.
257
00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,573
You guys, I don't know
what to do.
258
00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:48,114
I-I told Peter to bond
with Chris, and he did,
259
00:11:48,266 --> 00:11:50,191
but now, well,
it's like they've stolen
260
00:11:50,285 --> 00:11:51,451
all the power in the family.
261
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,711
Oh, no, no, no.
262
00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:55,271
For a mother to remain
in control of her family,
263
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:57,716
she needs to make sure
there are no alliances
264
00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:58,883
she's not a part of.
265
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,534
If a scene is in the sea,
266
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,370
would you put
"interior" or "exterior"?
267
00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:04,465
Ah, never mind.
268
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:05,782
No alliances, huh?
269
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,283
What's a funny name for a boat?
270
00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,468
Well, then, that's it.
271
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,062
I have to drive a wedge
between Peter and Chris.
272
00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:12,731
Push them back apart.
273
00:12:12,882 --> 00:12:16,960
Okay, now to loudly watch this
Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
274
00:12:16,978 --> 00:12:20,146
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and
I've been paid a lot of money
275
00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:22,966
to give you false hope
about your ridiculous dream.
276
00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:24,909
Oh, thanks, you guys.
277
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,411
I got this.
278
00:12:26,562 --> 00:12:27,804
What the hell?
279
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:29,247
My credit card is gone.
280
00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:33,643
"Dear Lois,
281
00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:36,980
Chris and I borrowed your credit
card to shop for fireworks
282
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:39,740
you would normally
have to be a town to buy."
283
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,656
Ow! Ow! Ow!
284
00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:48,433
Gather all the fingers! Ow!
285
00:12:55,275 --> 00:13:00,003
All right, time to put an end
to this Peter-Chris alliance.
286
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:03,189
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got
in the shower with my socks on.
287
00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:04,598
I wasn't sure what to do,
288
00:13:04,692 --> 00:13:07,010
so I just mashed them down
the drain with my elbow.
289
00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:08,861
Peter, we need to talk.
290
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,531
I just found the oddest thing
in Chris' room.
291
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:14,017
It's this essay he apparently
wrote for school
292
00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:16,702
Joe Swanson.
293
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,112
Joe Swanson?
294
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,131
Let me see that.
295
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:23,042
Okay, th-this is actually quite
long, can you just summarize it?
296
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,545
Chris says,
"Mr. Swanson's skewed take
297
00:13:25,697 --> 00:13:29,198
"on contemporary politics
is painfully astute
298
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,958
and refreshingly twisted."
299
00:13:31,052 --> 00:13:32,459
That son of a bitch.
300
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,537
I've been like
a father to that kid.
301
00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:35,538
I know, right?
302
00:13:35,557 --> 00:13:38,191
I mean, who does Chris
think he is?
303
00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:41,446
The last three pages
is all about
304
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,305
how you're aging as well
as Jennifer Lopez.
305
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:46,899
Well, that's our son.
306
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,993
Oh, hey, Chris.
307
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:50,807
You know, I just found
the oddest thing
308
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,146
in your father's room:
309
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,166
an essay he wrote for work
about his favorite son,
310
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,743
Charles from Charles in Charge.
311
00:13:57,896 --> 00:14:00,730
What? But Charles wasn't
even one of the sons.
312
00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:02,582
He was their babysitter.
313
00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,250
I'm so sorry.
314
00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:06,419
I know it must be hard
to hear that your father
315
00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:08,473
would rather be a parent
to a fictional character
316
00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:11,407
who the writers, in five
seasons, never even bothered
317
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:12,833
to give a last name...
318
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:15,745
A totally weird but true fact,
feel free to Google that...
319
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:16,929
Than his own son.
320
00:14:17,082 --> 00:14:20,099
I hate him so much.
321
00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:24,028
Wait, Dad dots all his
I's with a smiley face?
322
00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:26,013
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
323
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,681
Maybe those faces
brighten his otherwise
324
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,942
bleak day just a tiny bit.
325
00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:31,185
Maybe he's known for them.
326
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,038
I don't know,
it seems stupid and weird.
327
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,522
You're stupid and weird!
328
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,283
Now I see why
your father prefers
329
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:39,627
Charles Last Name Unknown.
330
00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:46,626
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie,
331
00:14:46,778 --> 00:14:48,887
and I'm a milk-aholic.
332
00:14:49,114 --> 00:14:50,947
Okay, I figured out
what I got to do:
333
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,943
I need to get back together
with Amber.
334
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:55,393
What? But I thought you were
just about to break up with her.
335
00:14:55,544 --> 00:14:58,471
Brian, are you sure this isn't
just your wounded ego talking?
336
00:14:58,623 --> 00:14:59,546
Pfft, no. What?
337
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,193
No, I-I can really
see us together.
338
00:15:01,217 --> 00:15:04,402
There's something romantic about
her style of life on the road.
339
00:15:04,629 --> 00:15:06,571
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
340
00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,965
Taking a whore bath
in a Taco Bell restroom
341
00:15:08,983 --> 00:15:12,135
or peeing in a Gatorade bottle
that you leave near a payphone?
342
00:15:12,153 --> 00:15:13,727
You don't know what
you're talking about.
343
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:14,913
Don't I?
344
00:15:14,989 --> 00:15:17,064
Because I think that
you can't stand
345
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,975
that you got dumped by a carny,
346
00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:20,919
someone you feel
is inferior to you.
347
00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:23,404
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
348
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,482
That's why I'm off to win
Amber back so I can dump her.
349
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,927
Look, man, I don't know if
Lois and the fat man told you,
350
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,262
but they found a lump
on your neck.
351
00:15:31,414 --> 00:15:33,973
Is this really what you want
to spend your time on?
352
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,828
What the hell?
353
00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:41,998
I thought you said we were both
gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
354
00:15:42,016 --> 00:15:44,067
- Who's that?
- This maniac.
355
00:15:45,928 --> 00:15:48,171
I don't know what
you're talking about.
356
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:49,839
I'm talking about
the voice mail you left me.
357
00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:52,933
Which now I see was all just
a trick to humiliate me.
358
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,954
- I didn't leave you
a voice mail.
- Oh, no?
359
00:15:56,105 --> 00:15:57,945
Uh, hey, Dad.
360
00:15:58,016 --> 00:15:59,791
It's your son, Chris.
361
00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,867
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
362
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:05,021
Son of a bitch,
I guess I did call you.
363
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,448
Hey, know what could be fun?
364
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,285
If we both got bowl haircuts
like... Oh, hang on.
365
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,862
Estrogen smoothie, please.
366
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,864
Sorry, I'm busy
tricking my husband.
367
00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:16,140
Wait a minute.
368
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,643
I would never trick my husband.
369
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,871
Dad, I think Mom
may have left that message.
370
00:16:21,889 --> 00:16:23,464
But why?
371
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:26,317
You think she's, like, trying
to get us mad at each other?
372
00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:29,320
Well, it would certainly
explain the voice mail I got.
373
00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:31,138
Hey, Chris,
Principal Shepherd here.
374
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,641
So, listen, the nurse
is going to press charges
375
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,385
for you touching her breast.
376
00:16:36,404 --> 00:16:39,646
I offered her the money
like you said, but, well,
377
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,165
that seemed to make it worse.
378
00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:43,204
So, we either got to come up
on that number
379
00:16:43,228 --> 00:16:44,544
or find a different plan,
380
00:16:44,695 --> 00:16:49,582
but methinks a lawyer
is in our future. Hmph.
381
00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:51,567
Anyway, call me back,
382
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:55,905
but remember the rule on these:
delete, delete, delete.
383
00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,831
Message saved.
384
00:16:57,925 --> 00:17:00,393
What kind of game
is Mom playing?
385
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,651
Brian? What are you doing?
386
00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:27,378
Amber, please take me back.
387
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,490
Look, I even brought you
a peace offering:
388
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,532
a pack of cigarettes
and some Nicorette gum
389
00:17:31,626 --> 00:17:34,026
because I wasn't sure which way
you wanted to go this week.
390
00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:35,778
Aw, that's sweet.
391
00:17:35,797 --> 00:17:39,282
I'm-a smoke and chew them both
for an extra nicotine surge.
392
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,375
It's what carnies call
"The Surf and Turf."
393
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,854
Well, that doesn't
make much sense,
394
00:17:42,878 --> 00:17:44,287
but it sure is two things.
395
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:47,214
Amber, we have
something special.
396
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,125
I want us to grow mold together.
397
00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:51,218
Aw, me, too.
398
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,296
And I'd love
to take you back, Brian,
399
00:17:53,389 --> 00:17:54,717
but if we're a couple,
that means
400
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,908
you'd have to be willing
to come on the road
401
00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:59,135
and work the carnival with me.
402
00:17:59,304 --> 00:18:01,395
I mean, that's my life.
403
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,397
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
404
00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:04,140
Really?
405
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:06,534
Aw, that's boss!
406
00:18:06,644 --> 00:18:07,734
Let's do it!
407
00:18:07,829 --> 00:18:09,549
Okay, great, so you
do take me back?
408
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,870
Well, then, as long as we're
officially a couple again,
409
00:18:11,983 --> 00:18:13,316
I have something to say.
410
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,484
Amber, if you think
for one second...
411
00:18:15,486 --> 00:18:19,672
Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got
to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
412
00:18:19,841 --> 00:18:21,324
Good to meet you, Brian.
413
00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:23,601
But don't you break
her heart, you hear?
414
00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:25,269
Last guy who treated her wrong
415
00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,271
had his scrotum
nail-clippered off,
416
00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:29,941
then got kicked to death
behind a Chick-fil-A.
417
00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:32,777
I assure you, my intentions
are strictly honorable.
418
00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,353
Okay, then.
419
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:38,157
I'm just telling you this as
her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
420
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,681
Check it out, Chris.
421
00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:48,275
Your mom tries to turn us
against each other?
422
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,374
Well, this ought to teach her
a thing or two.
423
00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:52,872
Your plan is to drop
a piano on Mom?
424
00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:53,873
No, not at all.
425
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,116
See, your mother
loves this piano,
426
00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:58,170
and by stringing it up
in the air like this,
427
00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,996
she'll never be able
to touch it again.
428
00:19:00,122 --> 00:19:01,472
That's genius.
429
00:19:01,699 --> 00:19:04,367
My plan was just to suggest
something to you halfheartedly
430
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:06,530
and then immediately back down
like a beta.
431
00:19:06,554 --> 00:19:07,957
I think we should
go with my plan.
432
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,814
No, yeah,
your-your plan is better.
433
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,208
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
434
00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:13,484
Don't play dumb, Mom.
435
00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:15,802
Chris and I see you're
trying to push us apart.
436
00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:18,063
Yeah, we're your husband
and your son
437
00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:20,383
and we were actually getting
to know each other,
438
00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:24,662
but it seems like some part
of you wanted that to fail.
439
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,890
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
440
00:19:27,909 --> 00:19:29,558
You're right.
441
00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:31,872
I guess, at first, I felt bad
you were making fun of me,
442
00:19:31,896 --> 00:19:34,321
and then later I resented
that you'd removed me entirely
443
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,899
from any family decision-making.
444
00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:38,843
But what I did was awful.
445
00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:41,470
I genuinely hope you
can forgive me.
446
00:19:44,592 --> 00:19:48,577
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain
I will be able to excuse this.
447
00:19:48,596 --> 00:19:52,081
But I pray that, with time,
healing may come.
448
00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:55,676
What? You do something crazy
basically once a week
449
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,344
and I always forgive you.
450
00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:00,573
Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut
and we'll call it even.
451
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,367
I hate you for this, Peter.
452
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:04,610
I know.
453
00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:07,246
Now let's go upstairs
and have idiot sex.
454
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:14,103
Well, these last few days...
455
00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:16,288
Ahh! Son of a bitch!
456
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:17,957
Dad never took the piano down.
457
00:20:18,109 --> 00:20:20,459
I think it just fell on Brian.
458
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,279
He has had a bad week.
459
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,039
Anyway, like I was saying,
460
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,208
these last few days
have been quite an adventure,
461
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,895
but I'm just happy that
everything is back to normal.
462
00:20:31,046 --> 00:20:33,456
Yes. And now I must away
to the sea,
463
00:20:33,549 --> 00:20:36,567
and hunt down the orca
that killed my Pappy.
464
00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:38,294
Be careful, my love,
465
00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:41,722
for no one truly knows
the secrets of the inky deep.
466
00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:43,966
Fare thee well, my love.
467
00:20:49,807 --> 00:20:53,826
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx
begins to play,
468
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,661
Peter heads off to the harbor,
469
00:20:55,813 --> 00:20:57,571
and we fade out.
470
00:20:57,665 --> 00:20:59,573
Thank you, Mr. Sorkin.
471
00:21:29,686 --> 00:21:31,686
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