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1
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,010
Just give it up, Fabian.
2
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:33,890
Ow!
3
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,290
Aww, man.
4
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:39,230
Dang it.
This was my year
5
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,860
for the Agent Skills Competition.
6
00:00:40,890 --> 00:00:42,860
I put it on my vision board
and everything.
7
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:45,400
- Next to the sunset?
- Above the sunset.
8
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:47,400
Wow. I can't believe
that didn't work.
9
00:00:47,470 --> 00:00:49,670
Well, maybe next time...
and I know this sounds crazy...
10
00:00:49,694 --> 00:00:50,970
you could try not sucking.
11
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,140
Well, you don't have to be
a dick about it.
12
00:00:53,210 --> 00:00:54,340
Have to? No.
13
00:00:54,410 --> 00:00:55,930
But then I wouldn't
be able to tell you
14
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,455
that the Treaty of Versailles
called, and it wants its
15
00:00:58,456 --> 00:01:00,910
total failure to achieve
any of its stated goals back.
16
00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,520
Also, it's sorry about Europe.
17
00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:05,820
Well, if you're so great,
why is your intel so bad?
18
00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:07,520
My name's not Fabian.
19
00:01:07,590 --> 00:01:09,520
Oh, I know that.
That's my boss's name.
20
00:01:09,590 --> 00:01:11,390
Yelling it gets me in the mood
to shoot people
21
00:01:11,414 --> 00:01:12,760
that I pretend are him.
22
00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:14,500
- Well, you got lucky.
- Sure.
23
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,260
Though, in a mirror maze,
maybe consider
24
00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:18,770
not putting on a gallon
of cologne that smells like...
25
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,270
gasoline
and decaying hobo foot.
26
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,670
Ow.
27
00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:27,370
- Now what was that for?
- You're still wearing it.
28
00:01:57,641 --> 00:02:00,799
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
29
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,220
Hello, Clandesti-con,
30
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,820
where spying meets
sweaty buffet food.
31
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,590
Who wants a brochure for IIA,
32
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:15,260
the soulless company
that is making us do this?
33
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,760
Come on, Lana.
Let's have some fun with it.
34
00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:20,780
- We'll take these lemons and make...
- Concentrated citric acid
35
00:02:20,781 --> 00:02:21,930
to spray in our own eyes?
36
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,520
I have some in my purse
if you need it.
37
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,900
This isn't so bad.
When I temped at IIA,
38
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,930
they were trying
to increase productivity,
39
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,500
so they docked your pay if you
peed more than twice a day.
40
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,810
Ugh. I hate this company.
41
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,240
Nice job in the competition,
Archer.
42
00:02:35,310 --> 00:02:38,650
Though calling your opponent
"Fabian" raised eyebrows.
43
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,180
These two specifically.
44
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,180
Well, despite the fact
that you're praising me,
45
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,800
which makes it nearly
impossible for me
46
00:02:43,824 --> 00:02:46,420
to not like you, I still
definitely wanna murder you.
47
00:02:46,490 --> 00:02:48,860
Today is a crucial day
for all of you.
48
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,690
We are launching The Agency
49
00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:54,160
as a distinct boutique branch
of IIA.
50
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,700
Wait, really?
We'll have autonomy?
51
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,630
Yes. Exactly as much
autonomy as Kermit the Frog.
52
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:02,170
Yo, you think Miss Piggy
is abusing him?
53
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,640
- I know she plays rough, but...
- I get the feeling he enjoys it.
54
00:03:05,710 --> 00:03:07,870
Who wouldn't?
Roughed up by a pig in jewelry.
55
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,780
No. I mean you'll be
a thin piece of fabric
56
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,710
with my hand up your ass.
57
00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:14,450
Where's your sense of wonder?
58
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,320
IIA represents 60%
of private spying,
59
00:03:18,390 --> 00:03:21,050
but some clients
are too mired in the past.
60
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,390
They want a personal touch.
Authenticity.
61
00:03:24,490 --> 00:03:26,630
That's what you lot are for...
to fake that.
62
00:03:26,690 --> 00:03:29,730
So pretend we're independent
to make IIA more successful
63
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,230
and allow you
to ruthlessly exploit us.
64
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,470
Welcome to the concept of a job.
65
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:38,070
Now, I'm giving the keynote
for the conference later today:
66
00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:41,180
a speech entitled
"Leadership as a Network."
67
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,040
You can't just say
"noun as a different noun"
68
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,480
and pretend
that it means something.
69
00:03:44,510 --> 00:03:47,650
Sure I can. I call it
"language as a weapon."
70
00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:50,850
Now, Archer, you need to win
the Agent Skills Competition
71
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,420
if we're going to launch
The Agency properly.
72
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,590
By the way,
the board hates the idea.
73
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:58,890
They'd rather you were completely
broken up and redistributed.
74
00:03:58,930 --> 00:04:01,200
So, Archer,
our fate is in your hands.
75
00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:03,830
- Well, sayonara, guys.
- Oh, boy.
76
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,870
You know what?
I'll be honest with you.
77
00:04:05,930 --> 00:04:09,270
That's a responsibility
I take very seriously.
78
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,010
Round of Glengoolie Blues, please.
79
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,180
I'm looking for one of you
80
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,180
to take the mantle of leadership.
81
00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:21,050
Under me, of course.
So dot, dot, dot.
82
00:04:21,110 --> 00:04:22,950
Are the dots supposed
to make me love stickers?
83
00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:25,060
Damn it! I should be in
the competition with Archer!
84
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:28,460
No, Lana. I need you here,
front and center.
85
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,960
And don't be afraid to get out
there and really be diverse.
86
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:34,130
Remember, a personal touch.
87
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:35,750
You heard him, sweetheart.
88
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,800
- A personal touch.
- Hey, would you like some stickers?
89
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,930
- They're edible.
- They don't look edible.
90
00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:43,040
Anything's edible
if you try hard enough.
91
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:45,240
Aww, lucky.
92
00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:48,980
- Should we do something?
- Like make popcorn? Or what?
93
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,780
Now where is she going?
94
00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:57,985
- I think you got me.
- See? You just get me.
95
00:04:57,986 --> 00:05:00,890
I do feel a responsibility to
keep my mother's legacy alive,
96
00:05:00,950 --> 00:05:03,620
but on the other hand, now I
don't have to worry about being
97
00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:05,990
yelled at by the one person
in the world who scares me.
98
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:09,760
So do I go with responsibility,
or do I go balls to the wall?
99
00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:11,670
Or, more accurately,
balls to the wall
100
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,000
then through that wall
into an adjoining wall
101
00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:15,400
that's probably load-bearing.
102
00:05:18,270 --> 00:05:20,670
So... which is it?
103
00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:23,910
I'm thinking.
104
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:26,810
I thought that was you, Lana.
105
00:05:26,850 --> 00:05:28,950
- Finally.
- Robert? What the hell?
106
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:30,820
Did you just fly
all the way to Dubai
107
00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:33,120
to hear me say,
"Talk to my divorce lawyer"?
108
00:05:33,190 --> 00:05:35,520
Yes. And was on the way
to Abu Dhabi.
109
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:38,360
Now, I get that I'm the one
who's mostly at fault here...
110
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:40,690
- Mostly?
- But you aren't blameless.
111
00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:42,930
And we need to think about
what's best for AJ.
112
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,200
Oh-ho-ho. Is that
why you nailed that skank?
113
00:05:45,270 --> 00:05:47,155
For AJ?
What, were you looking for
114
00:05:47,156 --> 00:05:49,040
a parenting book
between her piss flaps?
115
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,270
No. That's not where
they keep those.
116
00:05:51,340 --> 00:05:52,580
What are you even
worried about?
117
00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:55,380
- We signed a prenup.
- Well, there is the issue of custody.
118
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,450
- Excuse me?
- I'm just being realistic.
119
00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:00,710
It was your job
that got AJ kidnapped.
120
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:03,950
To a judge, that sounds
like an unsafe environment.
121
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,650
And if they put AJ
on the stand,
122
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,890
are you 100% sure
she chooses you?
123
00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:10,720
Why do you have teeth marks
on your elbow?
124
00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:12,890
I'll show you.
Do you like stickers?
125
00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,360
I-I'm sensing you need space.
126
00:06:16,130 --> 00:06:18,400
- What?!
- Shouldn't you be back at the booth?
127
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,500
No, because what I do
is kick ass.
128
00:06:20,570 --> 00:06:22,200
And I should be
in the competition
129
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,170
so I can take over
when Archer screws up.
130
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,410
Come, now. Archer is reliable
when he needs to be.
131
00:06:28,510 --> 00:06:30,480
He's resting right now
for his next round.
132
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:33,650
Uh, did he specify
the type of round?
133
00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:34,920
Whoo-hoo!
134
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:42,090
I'm not totally convinced
that's a downside.
135
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,260
It's like his liver absorbs
alcohol and excretes luck.
136
00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:49,000
Having said that, you can stay
in the competition.
137
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,660
Thank you.
I was going to anyway,
138
00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:53,770
you absolute turd.
But thank you.
139
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,750
The competition
is basically a formality.
140
00:06:55,770 --> 00:06:58,170
I'm generally considered
the world's greatest spy.
141
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,510
Yes. You absolutely were.
142
00:07:00,570 --> 00:07:03,580
You know, I used to be a spy
just like you.
143
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:05,880
Oh, who'd you spy for,
the Etruscans?
144
00:07:05,950 --> 00:07:07,280
Hmm. Indeed.
145
00:07:07,350 --> 00:07:10,280
In this biz, one minute,
you're the greatest thing
146
00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:12,250
since the 3:00 p.m.
dinner special,
147
00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:14,790
and the next,
dog shit on a bun.
148
00:07:14,860 --> 00:07:17,960
My advice?
Buy mustard, lad.
149
00:07:18,060 --> 00:07:20,590
Why would I buy mustard
to eat myself?
150
00:07:20,630 --> 00:07:23,230
So you think about that.
151
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,300
Ugh. Why are you
in such a great mood?
152
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,730
Why don't you ask your face?
153
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,470
My face says Robert's
gonna fight for custody of AJ.
154
00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:31,770
Um, can he do that?
155
00:07:31,810 --> 00:07:33,070
Well, when you have
that much money,
156
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,780
turns out you can pretty much
do anything.
157
00:07:34,810 --> 00:07:36,040
Why is AJ not picking up?
158
00:07:36,110 --> 00:07:37,980
A kid not picking up
a phone call?
159
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,410
Weird.
Did you try her telegraph?
160
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,120
Or lighting the signal fires
of Gondor?
161
00:07:43,150 --> 00:07:46,050
Why is everything
so complicated?
162
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,560
Because you're divorcing one
of the world's richest men-
163
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:51,390
slash-ex-boss who wants custody
of the daughter you had
164
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:53,660
- with a different coworker.
- Well, sure, but...
165
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,630
All while you work
for a corporate behemoth
166
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:57,660
that seems to be trying
to take over the world.
167
00:07:57,730 --> 00:08:00,230
Yes. All of that. I guess.
168
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:03,070
Well, I discovered the answer
to all those problems, Lana.
169
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:04,940
It's simple, it's easy,
170
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:08,010
and it's right at the bottom
of this glass.
171
00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:11,310
Well, it wasn't at the bottom
of that one,
172
00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:13,510
but I'm no quitter.
173
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:18,080
Behold, an audio bug.
Ooh.
174
00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:22,020
And that's all it does.
The wonders of IIA science.
175
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,690
A microphone.
Truly groundbreaking...
176
00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,830
for 1876.
177
00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:29,100
Hey, what's that new one
you're working on called?
178
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,530
The wheel?
179
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:32,830
Got 'em good, Ikari.
180
00:08:32,870 --> 00:08:34,700
I am working on something
called The Wheel!
181
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,355
But it's a sex thing...
that I can't build at work.
182
00:08:38,356 --> 00:08:41,610
- And you call that justice?
- Okay, look, I get it.
183
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:44,550
IIA might not be
the "cool upstart rebel,"
184
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,010
but this ain't
The Breakfast Club,
185
00:08:46,050 --> 00:08:48,380
and Judd Nelson doesn't end up
with Molly Ringwald.
186
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,050
He ends up at the bottom of
a lake wearing concrete shoes
187
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,850
with my frickin' initials on them.
188
00:08:52,890 --> 00:08:55,060
That's the power of IIA
with The Agency
189
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,460
- as your personal concierge.
- I'm intrigued.
190
00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:00,490
And tell them Ray Gillette
sent you.
191
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,860
Wh... stealing my customers?
Really?
192
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,570
You think that'll get you
Mallory's chair?
193
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,830
All's fair in love and...
194
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,230
- Ow!
- Ahh!
195
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:08,700
Damn it!
196
00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:09,970
Where the hell'd you come from?
197
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,140
A good leader always keeps
tabs on his team.
198
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:14,910
So spying on us?
199
00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:18,650
How is it that passing out
brochures is somehow beyond you?
200
00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:20,580
And why are you standing there
nodding?
201
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,520
I said I wanted leadership.
202
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:24,520
You look like a bobblehead
they give away
203
00:09:24,590 --> 00:09:27,220
to raise awareness
for diabetic librarians.
204
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,920
Technically, I'm prediabetic.
205
00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,090
Oh, what are we gonna do
about that guy?
206
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:34,530
Complain and then nothing?
207
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,200
This is fun.
Ask me another one.
208
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:38,870
Here's some fun.
I just put a bug on Fabian.
209
00:09:38,930 --> 00:09:40,270
If we get dirt on him,
210
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,740
maybe then he'll approve
my design for the gun bomb.
211
00:09:42,770 --> 00:09:46,610
- You see, it looks like a gun...
- Or improve working conditions.
212
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,380
Yeah. We were promised
curated snacks.
213
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,450
At this point, your blood's
just melted Otter Pops, huh?
214
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,110
Well, you guys have fun.
215
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:57,250
I'm off to find the best part
about every convention:
216
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,750
the party room.
217
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:02,460
Oh, if Fabian comes back, tell
him he can gnaw on my chode.
218
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,630
Yeah, I'm not gonna
tell him that.
219
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,130
Come on. Let's hear
some bottles popping,
220
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,900
maybe some fun squishy noises.
221
00:10:12,970 --> 00:10:15,240
Whoa.
Now, that's contraband.
222
00:10:16,970 --> 00:10:20,040
Not following you.
I'm not following you.
223
00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:22,480
Just checking stuff out.
224
00:10:25,410 --> 00:10:26,650
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
225
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:30,320
Who's ready to Pam-page?
226
00:10:32,450 --> 00:10:34,090
Oh. Wrong party.
227
00:10:34,150 --> 00:10:35,660
Hey, get her!
228
00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:43,560
I need to party at work
more often.
229
00:10:43,630 --> 00:10:46,270
We are gonna crush
this next event.
230
00:10:46,330 --> 00:10:48,890
Whoa. Lana. High-fiving
is one of those things
231
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,400
you should never do when drunk,
232
00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:53,170
like bomb disposal
or helping deliver a baby.
233
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:56,180
- Haven't you done both of those?
- That's how I know.
234
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,940
All right. Now, nobody worry,
235
00:10:58,010 --> 00:10:59,850
'cause Archer and I
have been resting...
236
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,080
- Ahh!
- Shit!
237
00:11:01,150 --> 00:11:03,180
Guys, there was a room.
238
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:04,850
Guns... lots.
239
00:11:04,950 --> 00:11:06,450
Like, they're probably coming.
240
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,840
Kind of sounds like you're coming.
241
00:11:07,850 --> 00:11:09,920
Kaboom!
That's a new thing I do.
242
00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:11,990
No, you don't. And it doesn't
even sound like that.
243
00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:14,160
- How would you know?
- Solid burn.
244
00:11:14,190 --> 00:11:16,130
But Pam,
look at the security here.
245
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,560
They don't allow guns
on the floor,
246
00:11:17,584 --> 00:11:18,700
so what would they even do?
247
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, guys.
248
00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:22,470
Something's happening with Fabian.
249
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:24,540
No!
You'll pay for this!
250
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,210
You'll never take me alive!
251
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,010
Okay, so you took me alive.
252
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,050
So, uh... what?
253
00:11:37,390 --> 00:11:40,820
Okay, now that we've had
a moment to process... what?
254
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:42,560
Why are they kidnapping him?
255
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,490
They're probably trying
to humiliate IIA.
256
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:46,960
It's right before his speech,
257
00:11:47,030 --> 00:11:48,590
so they'll have to admit
he's kidnapped,
258
00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:50,130
and if they can't protect
their own,
259
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,670
then how are they gonna
protect you?
260
00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:54,470
Then they parade him,
and then they kill him.
261
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:55,840
What?
We were all thinking it.
262
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:59,075
- Does this solve everything?
- Yeah, except he said that
263
00:11:59,076 --> 00:12:01,910
the board would break us up
and redistribute us.
264
00:12:02,010 --> 00:12:04,850
Wait, are we actually
gonna save Fabian?
265
00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,680
No.
We're gonna save Fabian.
266
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:08,550
You two have to win
that competition.
267
00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:10,480
We still need a splash
for The Agency.
268
00:12:10,550 --> 00:12:11,580
Plus if you dropped out,
269
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,250
the kidnappers
will know something's up.
270
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,590
Ugh. I really wish
I hadn't had that many drinks.
271
00:12:15,690 --> 00:12:17,360
Me too, but the opposite.
272
00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:19,990
So what's your next event?
273
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,760
Nearing the drop zone.
274
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:25,430
If you are to die,
please take comfort in the fact
275
00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:27,870
that it will not upset me at all.
276
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,240
Ugh. Oh, I'm gonna puke.
277
00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:34,210
Wow. Is it Dartmouth freshman
orientation already?
278
00:12:34,270 --> 00:12:36,340
Seriously, if you were any more
of a lightweight,
279
00:12:36,410 --> 00:12:39,050
- you'd be levitating.
- Should we be, like...
280
00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:40,680
more concerned about
this Fabian thing?
281
00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,850
Nah.
The rest of the gang is on it.
282
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,520
Well, we could...
283
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,620
Ooh, or we could, um...
284
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,390
I hate to ask,
but who got kidnapped again?
285
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:53,060
Still no call back from AJ.
286
00:12:53,130 --> 00:12:55,130
Okay, I'll just text her and
tell her that I'll take her out
287
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:56,750
this weekend
and do whatever she wants.
288
00:12:56,774 --> 00:12:58,130
Wrong.
289
00:12:58,230 --> 00:12:59,970
You just demanded more time
from her,
290
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,370
and now she just resents you.
291
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:03,110
Text her that you were
just thinking of her
292
00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:04,400
and how proud you are.
293
00:13:04,470 --> 00:13:06,410
Then write,
"No need to respond."
294
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:09,310
- How do you know this stuff?
- It helps that I've never moved
295
00:13:09,410 --> 00:13:10,740
past emotional adolescence.
296
00:13:10,810 --> 00:13:12,580
This event is very simple.
297
00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:15,420
Five briefcases.
Five spots in the finals.
298
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,580
No weapons. Any question?
299
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,420
Whoo-hoo!
300
00:13:23,490 --> 00:13:26,060
Johnny Utah!
301
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:30,600
Excuse me.
302
00:13:30,660 --> 00:13:31,900
Excuse me.
303
00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:33,570
Pardon me. Pardon me.
304
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:34,770
Oh, 'scuse me. Pardon me.
305
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:41,910
Falkor, away!
306
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:50,080
Oh, ahh!
307
00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:53,620
I guess we're interpreting
"no weapons" pretty liberally.
308
00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,360
Ahh! Disgusting!
309
00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:00,930
Uh, let's not tell anyone
about this.
310
00:14:00,990 --> 00:14:02,860
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
311
00:14:08,530 --> 00:14:09,700
Decent trade.
312
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,440
Altitude warning.
Pull now.
313
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,850
- Ahh!
- You big baby.
314
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,520
Just use your backup chute.
315
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,950
Unless we were way lower
than I thought.
316
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:29,360
Really should have been
keeping tabs on that. Oh, well.
317
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,620
- Well, what?
- Well, catch me up.
318
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:34,960
- You've been here the whole time.
- Quiet down.
319
00:14:35,030 --> 00:14:37,000
We're trying to flirt our way
to finding out
320
00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:40,630
who booked that conference room
full of dudes and guns.
321
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,840
And striking out.
0 for 2.
322
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:45,640
I don't know, y'all.
I can't get a read.
323
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,970
He's like a sexual Rubik's Cube.
324
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,480
Or as I call it,
a Rubik's Cube.
325
00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,580
Huh.
Maybe I should give him a try.
326
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,420
I've developed a sexual
nervous system stimulator
327
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,320
I call "The Wheel."
328
00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:59,390
Okay, I'll bite.
Why is it called The Wheel?
329
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:02,420
Because once it gets rolling,
there's no stopping it.
330
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,530
Any other ideas?
Literally anything.
331
00:15:06,590 --> 00:15:08,690
Can I help any of you
332
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,360
in some way that does not
involve, and I quote,
333
00:15:11,430 --> 00:15:13,170
"a hot beef enema"?
334
00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:15,000
- That wasn't me!
- I panicked!
335
00:15:15,070 --> 00:15:17,340
Just stand right there.
Hold on.
336
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,720
Keep standing.
337
00:15:18,744 --> 00:15:20,010
Really, I don't have time for...
338
00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:22,540
- And you're overwhelmed.
- Oh. Oh. Ahh.
339
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:23,910
Ahh, ahh, ahh. Ahh!
340
00:15:23,940 --> 00:15:26,110
Got it! Whoever booked
the conference room
341
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:28,330
- is staying in the Sultan Suite.
- Ahh! Ahh! Oh!
342
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,560
You ever lend that thing out?
343
00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:30,950
Sure.
Just clear your schedule,
344
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:34,190
because it goes for, like,
a couple of days.
345
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,460
Oh.
346
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,520
So we enter, clear the guards...
347
00:15:37,590 --> 00:15:39,690
With what?
We don't have guns.
348
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:43,060
Guys, in the dealer's hall. There's
a ton of non-lethals in there.
349
00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:45,870
Tasers, air hammers,
something called a knife light.
350
00:15:45,930 --> 00:15:47,470
Well,
then let's get sampling.
351
00:15:47,570 --> 00:15:48,940
All right.
We're in the finals.
352
00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:51,300
It's getting intense.
They tried to kill us up there.
353
00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:53,140
- How are things here?
- Great.
354
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:55,580
We've located Fabian
and the kidnappers,
355
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,310
and we've got a plan
to get them back.
356
00:15:57,410 --> 00:15:59,650
You do?
I was assuming you'd fail.
357
00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:03,880
- And why would you think that?
- Because you're you?
358
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:06,090
- This was the plan!
- I didn't think it would work.
359
00:16:06,150 --> 00:16:08,390
Are we really saving this guy?
He sucks.
360
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,790
I hate him, and he's gonna
make us do bad jobs
361
00:16:10,820 --> 00:16:12,730
- for terrible people.
- You think I want this?
362
00:16:12,790 --> 00:16:14,930
All I want is to do my job
and go home.
363
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,630
But if we get fired, that's not
gonna help my custody problem.
364
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:18,970
Custody problem?
365
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,100
If you need me to give Robert
a personal tour
366
00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:23,670
of an industrial thresher,
say the word.
367
00:16:23,770 --> 00:16:25,070
- No.
- Got it.
368
00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:26,770
- No, you don't.
- Okay.
369
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:31,180
But, I mean, saving Fabian is
the only way we stay together.
370
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,910
- Right?
- We'll figure the rest out,
371
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,450
but not if we're separated.
372
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:36,250
Y'all... y'all are family.
373
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,420
Oh, my God.
Is this what it's come to?
374
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,190
Acting responsibly?
375
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,790
Ugh. Fine.
Let's go save a jerk's life,
376
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,790
thereby making the world
a worse place.
377
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:46,690
Yay for the good guys.
378
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:48,360
Should we even do
the competition?
379
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:50,300
If you drop out now,
the kidnappers will know
380
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,970
something's up and kill Fabian.
381
00:16:52,030 --> 00:16:53,270
So what's the final event?
382
00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:54,870
Gonne be hard to top skydiving.
383
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,570
And now,
384
00:16:56,594 --> 00:16:58,970
it's time to reveal the final event
385
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,040
of the Clandesti-con
Agent Skills Competition.
386
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:05,150
Your final event will be
387
00:17:05,210 --> 00:17:09,480
King of the Train!
388
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:12,790
Holy shit.
389
00:17:12,850 --> 00:17:16,890
Forget responsibility.
I'm gonna be king of the train.
390
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,000
Stay on your toes.
391
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:26,100
One of us has to win
to keep The Agency alive and...
392
00:17:26,124 --> 00:17:27,624
Uh, yeah. Whatever.
393
00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:30,640
I'm gonna be king of the train.
Toot toot!
394
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,640
Ugh.
Everyone in position?
395
00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:35,010
Yeah. But this stuff
from the dealer's hall
396
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,540
isn't the most intimidating.
397
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:38,010
I don't even know
what this does.
398
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:41,710
Yeah, we're gonna need
a few minutes.
399
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,190
I'll signal you at the start.
400
00:17:43,214 --> 00:17:45,090
Chances are,
they'll be distracted watching
401
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:48,420
the closed-circuit feed
of my glorious victory.
402
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,590
If you touch the ground
403
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:53,530
or get hit by a paintball,
you're out.
404
00:17:53,590 --> 00:17:55,330
You start with no weapons,
405
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,100
but you may find some
at points on the train,
406
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,530
as well as a few surprises.
407
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,270
Now, the time has come
408
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:07,740
to find the most skilled agent
in the world.
409
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,450
Three. Two. One.
410
00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:18,020
Begin!
411
00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:21,750
Shocking.
412
00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:23,960
Kaboom!
413
00:18:25,290 --> 00:18:26,760
Ahh!
414
00:18:26,790 --> 00:18:29,560
Whoa!
415
00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:41,640
Ahh!
416
00:18:43,810 --> 00:18:45,480
Ahh!
417
00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:48,080
Oh, knife light! Now I get it.
418
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:50,920
Hold still, Cirque du Suck Ass!
419
00:18:53,820 --> 00:18:57,120
We're leaving.
Nobody move, or Fabian gets it.
420
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,990
Do what he says!
421
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:07,670
Archer! Duck!
422
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,500
Ooh.
423
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,170
Ugh.
424
00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:13,840
God.
You couldn't just duck?
425
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:15,780
You know I have
trust issues, Lana,
426
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,280
which you are
partially responsible for.
427
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:20,610
- How?
- I don't know, but it feels right!
428
00:19:26,190 --> 00:19:28,820
Oh, now she has a jetpack
and a machine gun?
429
00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:29,920
How is that fair?
430
00:19:35,930 --> 00:19:38,211
- Still want that jetpack?
- I know you want me to say no,
431
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,270
but the answer is still yes!
432
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,510
We need backup!
433
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:47,010
They're bringing Fabian
to the floor!
434
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,210
- Throw me the gun!
- It's empty!
435
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,540
Just throw it to me!
436
00:19:52,510 --> 00:19:54,810
Man, this is such a bad idea.
437
00:19:57,204 --> 00:19:58,280
Whoa!
438
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:06,730
Look out!
439
00:20:13,230 --> 00:20:16,400
Everyone,
this is what we think of IIA.
440
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:17,670
Lana. Lana.
441
00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,740
Do something!
Lana, I know you're faking.
442
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,180
No.
I'm very, very unconscious.
443
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,180
Why am I always
the responsible one?
444
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,710
And so I don't shoot Fabian
for me.
445
00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:28,910
- I shoot him for...
- Ahh!
446
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:31,420
What an amazing
performance.
447
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,250
Congratulations
to the king of the train,
448
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:36,760
Agent Lana Kane,
449
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:41,330
representing The Agency,
a boutique subsidiary of IIA.
450
00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:43,230
- God damn it.
- Thank you.
451
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:45,230
Thank you. You're too kind.
452
00:20:45,270 --> 00:20:47,730
And great work by The Agency.
453
00:20:47,770 --> 00:20:49,840
Now, that was obviously
454
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,610
a fake kidnapping
and assassination,
455
00:20:52,670 --> 00:20:54,010
but they didn't know that.
456
00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:56,880
In fact, this was
the demonstration portion
457
00:20:56,940 --> 00:21:00,080
of my talk,
"Leadership as a Network."
458
00:21:00,110 --> 00:21:04,220
I turned this unruly bunch into
a finely-honed fighting force.
459
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,620
Sterling Archer himself stepped
between me and a bullet
460
00:21:07,690 --> 00:21:10,520
despite the fact
that he hates my guts.
461
00:21:10,590 --> 00:21:12,630
That is the power of leadership.
462
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,630
Well, thank you all
for helping me with my speech.
463
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:20,100
So who gets to be
head of The Agency?
464
00:21:20,130 --> 00:21:22,700
I gave away the most brochures.
Kaboom.
465
00:21:22,770 --> 00:21:25,140
Jesus, Cyril. Not the time.
466
00:21:25,210 --> 00:21:27,240
But it's me, right?
See me lead that mission?
467
00:21:27,310 --> 00:21:31,240
- Actually, it's Agent Gillette.
- So, uh, what?
468
00:21:31,310 --> 00:21:33,910
Because he understood
the true mission.
469
00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:36,650
He's been gathering dirt
on all of you for years,
470
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,990
which he has compiled
in this very convenient binder.
471
00:21:40,050 --> 00:21:43,060
Like "Pam once snuck a goat
into the office.
472
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:45,890
- No one knows why."
- I was fostering it.
473
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,590
And the next week,
she brought in
474
00:21:47,660 --> 00:21:49,600
goat meat tacos for everyone.
475
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:52,230
That goat's personality
was very toxic.
476
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:55,900
Well, I'm sure you have
a lot to talk about.
477
00:21:55,970 --> 00:22:00,175
- You backstabbing son of a bitch.
- In my defense,
478
00:22:00,210 --> 00:22:03,140
I did not know
he was gonna tell everybody.
479
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,450
Aww. Heh.
480
00:22:05,510 --> 00:22:08,680
Look. You know, you're
good at this, Archer.
481
00:22:08,780 --> 00:22:12,080
It'll take time, but maybe you
should get more involved.
482
00:22:12,150 --> 00:22:13,620
You're right.
And, you know,
483
00:22:13,690 --> 00:22:15,020
I didn't wanna let you win,
484
00:22:15,090 --> 00:22:17,520
but up there on the train,
I suddenly had this idea...
485
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:19,590
being declared the best agent
in the world.
486
00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:21,690
That's gotta help
your custody case for AJ.
487
00:22:21,790 --> 00:22:23,630
And that keeps her in my life.
488
00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:27,530
Aww. Buddy, that won't
affect the case at all.
489
00:22:27,630 --> 00:22:29,150
They don't consider
that kind of thing.
490
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,600
God damn it. That's it!
491
00:22:30,670 --> 00:22:32,610
I've learned
a very valuable lesson today.
492
00:22:32,670 --> 00:22:35,170
Making the responsible choice
is for suckers.
493
00:22:35,210 --> 00:22:37,810
Until now, I've been
the careful, restrained,
494
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,050
subtle, rule-respecting Archer.
495
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,450
- What?
- But that is over!
496
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,220
Welcome to the new Archer.
497
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,790
I'm gonna go find two bottles
of whiskey, three women,
498
00:22:46,850 --> 00:22:49,390
a full-color illustrated
edition of the Kama Sutra,
499
00:22:49,490 --> 00:22:52,530
and six gallons
of orange sports drink.
500
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,730
I will see you all
one: when I feel like it,
501
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,360
and two: in hell!
502
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,570
God damn it.
503
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:07,628
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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