Original subtitles

Go for Kel.

I also need you to pick up a warm Sour Patch Kids energy drink.

Got it. Over.

There's only one person disgusting enough

to like a warm Sour Patch Kid energy drink.

Shrub. Duh.

Now that Shrub and Barb are together,

I get to be an assistant for my boss and her boy toy.

Hey, Kelly.

Go for Kelly.

Can't wait for this to be over.

Can you pick up some espresso? I'm out.

Over.

You know, most people, they do angel wings. But me?

Do you want angel wings? Go to the City of Angels.

You want death by fire? Come to Flatch.

- Shrub! - Kel!

Where are you? I can't see anything.

I'm over here.

- Come here. - I don't know where...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't worry.

I'm okay.

Do you see any cuts?

This is literally your fault, okay?

I couldn't see because all the stuff Barb made me buy for you.

I'm running errands for you while you're having gross little sex.

Uh, I'm not having gross little sex, Kel.

It's actually insanely beautiful.

Also, I'm not just having sex.

As you know, Barb commissioned an Instagram mural

to not only turn this town around, but also to memorialize

the insane inferno of our passion.

So I did two dragons, the purple representing...

Okay, dude. Zip it.

Ooh. Kelly, thank you so much.

Dude, I am so thirsty.

Uh, something health class does not teach you...

Sex is incredibly dehydrating.

Okay. You had your fun. You got your free stuff.

Now break up with her. Please, okay?

It's getting in the way of my work dynamic with her

and our budding best friendship.

- Mm-hmm? - Yeah.

Your little sex appointments have already moved my weekly lunch

to just a little quick espresso chat with her.

And I didn't even get to have one 'cause only she can use the machine.

Are you Barb?

I think you are jealous that Barb and I are a vibe,

- and you're not. - I'm just disappointed in you.

- Why? - 'Cause you went ahead

and broke Cuz Code.

- Oh, no, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

No, I didn't. No! Cuz Code never stated that

we couldn't date each other's bosses.

- It basically did. - No, it didn't.

You know what? You change when you have these.

- No I don't. - Yeah, you do.

Okay, fine. I get more powerful.

- No. - And I grow.

There's something about Shrub. Maybe it's the silk shirt

or the way the gold glistens on his sculpted clavicle,

but I miss him.

Dammit, Beth.

Why can't you quit that complicated bastard?

Like you're on fire, Kel. Like, on fire.

I am on...

No, no, no, no. Shotgun, shotgun!

- Barb! - Shotgun!

Hey. We still on for our weekly lunch?

I was thinking we could switch it up, maybe a noodle?

You know what? Let's just play it by ear.

- Hey, baby. - Hey. Oh, you could...

- You can just use the door. - Nah.

- Where are we headed? - Uh, actually,

I have one more errand for you to run.

I need you to go pick up some new boxers for Shrub.

No cartoon animals, food, none of that stuff.

And make him a hair appointment. I'm partial to a Mickey number two.

Of course.

All right. Awesome.

And that's the basics of a woman's anatomy.

Wait, so where do you pee from?

Okay.

Let's watch it one more time, all right?

Shrub's like a sweet, licorice-flavored wine chaser

after an expensive cheating bourbon.

- Can I grab the... just... - Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

Uh, pause, please. Oh, no.

Mmm.

I'm happy Shrub is happy,

but it's getting awkward with Shrub living with us.

First, it was just a sock on the bedroom door.

Now it is the whole house.

Okay. Phone down. Eyes here.

One sec, one sec, one sec.

- Okay. - Look.

We have graciously allowed Barb to stay here

while her place was being painted,

but you have been very disrespectful...

- Yeah. - To both us and our home.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, maybe you two should be a little bit more disrespectful

to your own home.

What does that even mean?

Uh, well, I think it means you're jealous,

and I think that you two need to take a look at your own backyard.

Oh, we did,

and you and Barb were going at it on the hammock.

Yeah, 'cause it was literally begging to be used.

I can't help myself. I'm absolutely nothing but trouble.

Also, I detangled the chain, so you're welcome.

Thank you.

Our sex life is just fine.

Our sex life has taken a bit of a detour recently.

Not a detour. Um, hibernation.

But I'm satisfied, and Joe is satisfied.

Why do you have that look?

Did Cheryl say something?

Why are you looking at me like that? Did he say something?

'Cause I can get freaky.

Hi.

Beth, what the hell?

Do not sneak up on me like that, okay?

- I could've killed you. - It's okay.

I've died before.

Didn't take.

What?

- I need your advice. - Okay.

Well, call a helpline. I'm busy.

I want Shrub back. He's on fire.

It's not "on fire," okay?

It's just "fire."

And you already screwed that up. He's with my boss now.

Wait.

I'm a freaking genius.

Yes, yes. Okay.

Beth, you and Shrub are gonna get back together.

Gorgeous. I love it. Shrub's gonna dump Barb.

"Hey, Barb." She's gonna take it well.

She comes back to me. We're back on power lunches.

Beth, you and me? We're gonna be allies.

Like friends?

Like allies.

It's not a secret that I don't like Beth, okay?

She's super weird.

She's, like, weirder than the girl

I went to high school with who always bragged

about eating her twin brother in the womb.

But we have to work together to defeat a greater evil.

Shrub and Barb.

Shrub likes it when I tickle his palms,

so I'm gonna start with the right

and then tickle the left,

and then back to the right, if time permits.

And then I'm gonna make him a drink,

and I'm gonna feed it to him slowly, 'cause he likes that.

Nasty. Good. Perfect.

You do the seducing, and I will work my magic on Barb.

We're here. We're here.

Okay. Good luck.

You got this.

Um, I got you something in honor of our partnership.

"Budding Friendship: Growing Plants and Friends."

This is me watering you.

Head inside.

So I am assuming

Kelly told you I want a Mickey number two?

Mm.

- Tickle, tickle. - Oh.

Palm tickle? No, no, no, no.

I-I am with Barb now.

What about Mickey? Does he know you're here?

No, he's taken "Mickey About Town" out of town.

But I'll tell him my feelings when he gets back.

Oh, okay.

Are you thirsty?

Mm...

No, no.

It's okay.

Drink it slow.

Beth, no.

As much as this milky seduction is working wonders on me

in ways I cannot say on the camera,

I am sticking with Barb, okay?

And not because she buys me things and has deflowered me nine times,

but because she believes in me and my art.

And also because she deflowers me like crazy.

It's wild... I had no idea I had so many petals.

I'm sorry. You gotta go. I'm... mm.

Well, I'm not giving up on us.

I have strong feelings and an endless supply of milk.

Put it back.

Yes, I was once into Beth.

But Barb is making me a better man

and more importantly, a man.

We don't have a couple's name, though, yet, so, so far,

I have pitched Sharb, Brub, Shrubra, and Barsh,

so just kind of waiting on the thumbs up on that one

so I can make us Instagram offish.

Oh, damn it, Kelly.

Are you kidding... She got me a child's small.

Dude, she did this on purpose.

Well, joke's on her, because Barb loves a front wedgie.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.

Uh, sorry, there's a line.

Right there, right?

It's a AirDrop. That's what I said. Yeah.

Look, I don't fear change.

I change all the time.

My ponytail is one inch lower than it was yesterday, see?

Look at that.

But I don't like the changes that are happening in Flatch.

There's only one person to blame,

and her name rhymes with Carb Blatch.

Okay, so this is when Shrub got caught in a sewer.

Some people say you can't wash that

smell off, no matter how hard you try.

This? Yeah.

He got his hand stuck in a toilet.

Why was his hand in there in the first place?

Okay, are we seeing a pattern?

Yes, an adorable one.

He is the anti-Burt. He's exactly what I need right now.

Knock, knock. Just kidding.

Um, hey, Barb, can I talk to you for a minute,

woman to woman?

Cheryl, I am a woman too.

You know what, Kelly?

Why don't you go down to the Instagram wall

and pass out some cards? Plenty of fish. Just need to hook 'em.

Heard.

Could a man do that?

Um, I couldn't help but overhear

you talking about Shrub, since your door is mostly air.

Um, Joe and I have been trying to talk to him,

but right now, Shrub is only thinking with his...

Mallet?

You get it?

'Cause it's his last name, and it's also...

Yeah, I get it. It's great.

Look, Barb, could you maybe

not sleep with our roommate so much and so loudly?

Isn't he a little young for you?

Okay, first of all, Shrub is an adult, Cheryl,

and maybe you should think about why

our relationship bothers you so much.

Maybe you should tend to your own backyard

and stop worrying about mine.

Why is everyone so concerned with my backyard?

My backyard is fine.

There's a lot of chicken poop, but it is fine.

Is it?

Hey, babe.

- Brought you a tea. - Oh, thanks.

You okay?

No.

Clearly, I shouldn't bother fixing things with Shrub.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something

he said earlier that's been bothering me.

Yes, I have been thinking about our sad sex life too.

Oh.

I was talking about fixing the hammock.

It's all rusty and old.

Oh.

But now we're talking about our sex life.

What?

Maybe we could spice things up a little bit.

Ooh. Like how?

Cheryl, you can tell me anything.

Okay.

So I have always had this fantasy

that I am a journalist who breaks the rules

by sleeping with her source.

Ooh.

He stops by late at night and refuses to give me information

unless I go off the record.

It's... it's code for kissing.

Oh, okay.

And then, um, he, uh, shows me his, um...

Sensitive document.

Ooh.

Yeah. You got that one.

Yeah.

Then, um, with my phone camera,

I take a, uh... a covert photo.

Wait, is the camera your boobs?

No.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to grab a pen and paper.

Okay.

It's all about the details.

You ever bought a house?

- You should think about it. - Thanks.

Hey, aren't you guys just the cutest?

I am the Barb of Just Barb's Realty,

and I am responsible for this mural.

Don't you just love it?

Here, let's take a picture.

Make sure to tag me. Handle's on the back of the card.

- Hey! - Thank you.

Barb!

Oh, hey, Little Mandy.

Your dumb dragon wall has to go. It's a distraction, and it's tacky.

We're not Miami.

Ha! Oh, ain't that the truth?

I wish. Anyway,

the selectpersons have already okayed it, so yeah.

It's part of my plan to glow up Flatch.

It's good for everybody.

Flatch doesn't need glowing up. It's great the way it is.

Now there's lines at our two restaurants,

and one of them is charging for refills.

If I wanted to pay for refills, I'd live in Chicago,

but I don't live in Chicago, now, do I?

I'm going to the town selectpeople meeting tomorrow

to get your wall canceled.

Okay. Well, I will see you there.

No, I'll see you there.

Not if I see you first.

Won't.

So Beth's plan A didn't work at all,

so we're on to plan B, Plan Barb.

I mean, who does Shrub like? Barb.

What we gonna do with Beth? We're gonna turn her into Barb.

We have to. Beth, come out. You dressed?

Oh, Lord.

All right.

That is something.

Let's just...

Not quite Barb, but it'll do.

I'm surprising Cheryl with some insider information.

Actually, it's some church documents

from when we remodeled the restroom,

but props really help build character.

Heh. Sexy Joe.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Miss Reporter.

May I come in?

I have some insider information,

and I want to give it to you right now.

Joe...

What do you want to give to her?

Oh, jeez. What the...

Mandy.

Mm, nothing. Just church documents.

I've been looking for this all day.

Please do not take stuff from the office.

I'm sorry.

Mandy was just here complaining about Barb.

No, not complaining. Discussing.

Can we really trust a woman who has a big "eat" sign in her kitchen?

We know what a kitchen is for.

I don't know, I kind of like Barb's can-do attitude.

Oh, I can do a lot, too, especially when you piss me off.

Cheryl, I need you to come with me to the meeting today.

Be the underwire to my bra and support a sister.

We cannot have Barb's big-city attitude ruining Flatch.

I will be your underwire all day, every day.

But not today.

There's an opportunity to get a real story

out of the boring selectpeople meeting.

I have to be fair and impartial.

As a reader, I admire your integrity.

But as your friend, I find it annoying.

Finish your weird sex stuff.

It's not sex stuff.

Okay. Go, go, go.

Beth. Beth. Beth. Beth. Beth.

Hey, I'm gonna be right here, okay?

Do exactly what we talked about.

- Beth? - Yeah.

Dude, what are you doing here?

I cannot get another haircut, if you catch my drift.

Whoa. I never heard you laugh before.

Oh, you're funny, Shrub.

Your humor is a turn on, like the smell of a newly built home.

May I come in?

Sure.

Boop.

Uh, okay.

- You look different. - Mm-hmm.

- What's up with your hair? - What's up with your hair?

This hair?

That hair?

What are you doing?

- I'm being sexy... - Oh, God.

And playful like Barb.

Don't tell him what you're doing.

Just do it.

Kelly?

What the hell, dude?

Hey.

Uh, I didn't even know you were home. Have you seen my contacts?

You... you don't wear contacts.

Well, maybe that's 'cause I keep losing them.

- Oh, my God. - You know what?

You don't even know what's going on in my life.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, ever since

you broke Cuz Code and started sleeping with my boss!

The mural violates local ordinance chapter 22,

section 7.12, which states, and I quote,

"No public structure can be so altered

that causes accidents or distractions."

Well, chapter 7, section 18.1 states, and I quote,

"A public structure may be altered

with the approval of the selectpeople."

I can read, too, Little Mandy.

Oh, well, read my lips.!

Wh...

Well, I can't print that.

Look, in conclusion, Barb doesn't think Flatch is good enough,

and she's trying to turn Flatch into some fancy-schmancy tourist trap.

The defense rests.

Oh, you don't have to say that.

Look, Flatch has good bones,

good bones with a calcium deficiency.

But it just needs a little zhuzhing up,

and that's all I'm trying to do.

You know, more zhuzh means more visitors,

which means more booming Flatch businesses,

you know, and Flatch will finally get the respect it deserves.

And Pockton kids will no longer dress up as Flatch kids for Halloween.

You both have made excellent points,

although I'm not sure how to spell "zhuzh" in the minutes.

Our meetings have never been this lively.

I'm so glad I came today.

Okay, calm down.

I vote with Mandy. I agree.

The mural has become a public nuisance.

I vote with Barb.

The mural should stay. It's fierce.

How do you vote, Maynard?

I retired yesterday. Did y'all forget that?

Today's meeting was supposed to be my retirement party.

Isn't that why you brought cookies?

No, they started to go bad, so I figured I'd share them.

I guess we're tied.

Until we fill that empty seat, we can't make a decision.

That seat is mine.

Okay, well, I'm running for the seat.

Yes! Sorry.

It's election coverage. It's exciting.

I cannot believe that you would use my first

love to break me up with my second love.

I mean, you've gone too far, Kel.

She was a willing participant, huh?

I wanted to do it.

I had fun getting "Pretty Womaned," because growing up,

I wasn't allowed to watch the movie, but I read the DVD cover.

You are not gonna believe what just hap...

I'm slightly attracted to that weird girl,

but I can't put my finger on why.

Look, I know you don't like me seeing

your cousin and your ex-boyfriend.

But Shrub and I are gonna continue to see each other.

Shoulder's fine.

Look, we're all adults here.

- Mentally, he's, like, 12. - Oh, yeah.

- It takes one to know one. - Uh, says you.

Oh, yeah. Do I?

Okay, Kelly, Beth.

We're all three single women. We've got to go out for what we want.

We don't ask permission. We just take it.

No, no.

And right now, I'm taking Shrub.

She's taking me.

No, I mean, seriously, right now, I'm taking Shrub.

I need you to... let's go. Come on.

- Oh. Huh. - Yeah, take it off.

- I... - Take it off.

- Hey! - Hey, hey.

Bye.

- Oh, put this on the door. - Okay.

- Sock on the door? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Shh. - Okay.

Front wedgie?

What time does the paper go out?

'Cause I got some hot news for you.

Okay.

Um...

We can't do this again.

You're my source.

It's against my journalistic integrity.

I have to think about my reputation.

I won't tell anyone.

Well, you play your cards right,

you might just end up on the front page.

Ooh, is that right above this sports section?

Joe, you're so funny.

The sports section's nowhere near the front page.

Oh, sorry.

- Where is it? - Joe!

Have you not read my paper?

I've been meaning to read "The Patriot,"

but Cheryl always tells me what's in it, so I never really bothered.

Probably gonna be sleeping with the chickens tonight.

Emily Chickenson is in a mood.

Wow.

This was a great Easter issue.

Well, then you are ready for May.

Oh, great.

Oh, it's just the chickens.

Oh, thank you.

- Okay. Break's over. - Yeah.

I took Barb's advice. Don't ask for permission.

Take what you want. So I took eight espressos

from her super-secret personal espresso machine.

And I made her agree that Shrub has to run his own errands.

Winner!

Shrub and Barb's relationship's just

gonna have to run its course, you know?

Oh, my God.

Ahh!

Oh, my God. Can we do cartwheels? Let's go.

Beth.

It's over, okay? Go home.

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