Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Oh, my God. The vibe in the cafeteria today

is electric.

I can't believe the lower 48 exchange student

from our sister city of Long Grove, Illinois

arrives next week.

Oh, right. You know, as someone

who until this year was homeschooled,

I cannot wait to taste that fresh meat.

Sorry, I know not to call her fresh meat,

but it's just fun to say.

-Fresh meat. -And Long Grove is just

an hour outside of Chicago, so that meat

is gonna be bringing the sophistication

in her meat pockets.

Sorry, I know I should also not say that.

Remember how last year's student-slash-meat had

a fake ID and just casually brought red wine

to the Bon Voyage Bonfire at the end of the week?

It was so cool and also got a lot of people suspended.

It's so rad that my family won the lottery to host.

I know!

Can you imagine rolling into the Bon Voyage Bonfire

with this incredible, big city sophisticate on our arms

after spending a week becoming her closest friends?

I don't want to get ahead of ourselves,

but it might make us cool forever

and finally get Stacy B. to leave us alone.

Look at my former best friend over there

with all her- pfft- already popular friends.

I bet she's furious that

the exchange student will be in our group.

She'll have to stop calling us the...

-The Three Muska-weirds! -(others gasp)

What are you guys even doing?

Probably something super weird.

Eating a bowl of finger nails?

That's what I heard from when I told everyone that.

Ugh, you know what we're doing.

We're eating lunch, which isn't weird.

Yeah, everybody does it, except maybe those who...

had, like, a large breakfast.

But most people, they eat lunch.

-Thanks for the lecture, Dr. Lunch. -You're welcome.

Uh, no, actually not. You don't get to give me

another stupid nickname,

and also stop calling us "The Three Muska-weirds."

I bet you haven't even read the book

that you're basing that insult on.

What are you talking about, Judy?

I based it on a candy bar. Bye...

Ugh, she's so mean.

But pretty soon there will be four of us,

and she can't call us The Four Muska-weirds.

She absolutely can call us that.

But overall things are looking up.

HAM: Did you get "A"

for number four?

Uh, because I'm also feeling "B" and "C."

-And honestly, "D" has a little something going for her. -It's "C."

And that's why you have the highest GPA in our grade

and get to go to Illinois on the exchange program.

-Are you jazzed? -Of course.

Who doesn't want to see Long Grove,

home of the longest grove?

Oop, before I forget.

I wanted to leave you with something

to remember me by while I'm gone,

so I found this handsome little devil

at the garden center, and I was wondering

if you'd like to cactus-sit him while I'm gone.

Oh. He is... so cute and sharp.

I named him Robert. Robert Plant-inson.

You know I am very slightly afraid of cactuses,

but this one is so small,

and I have always thought about having kids,

so cactus-sitting sounds like an easy way to practice,

especially if I have a baby with thorns one day.

Now, what are we thinking on this next one? "A," maybe "C"?

-It's "B." -I knew it!

Thanks again for letting us sleep over all week, Esther.

Of course, girls, we've already got

-Kima's cousin here. -Nasty.

Uh, you mispronounced "extremely cool."

Uh, you mispronounced "My name is Dane,

"and my farts smells like gasoline-soaked Cheetos

"that someone ate and then threw up

"and then someone ate that barf

and then farted again after that."

Kima, stop. Although, Dane,

-your farts really are a mess. -Thank you, Uncle Walt.

So, you dweebs are staying here all week

just to hang out with someone from-

checks notes- Illi-nerd?

(laughs) Why do I hate it when Stacy makes fun of me,

but I love it when Dane makes fun of me?

Because I'm like the guys from Jackass,

a little wild but a lot lovable.

Judy, no, Dane's gross.

And he has a tattoo of Garfield saying "no worries"

-on his calf. -Roasted.

You know who else is getting roasted pretty bad?

Only in not such a fun way?

BOTH: Mother Earth.

Dad, we all get it.

You're a climate scientist,

but also you're preaching to the choir.

We're the ones that are gonna get broiled alive.

It's a bummer.

Oh, sorry.

Is it a bummer that at this pace,

your mother and the other Alaskan smoke jumpers up here

are gonna be fighting wildfires year-round?

Is it a bummer that whole pods of seals

are dying because the sea ice

off Biorka Island is thinner than a...

-Walt, cool it. -Fine.

But you know what's cooling way too fast?

-Oh, my God. -Stop. -Let us eat, Walt.

So guys, for real,

what do we know about the Illi-nerd?

Esther! All we know is

that she's probably very sophisticated

and her shine will get all over us,

and Stacy B. will stop calling us The Three Musk-a-weirds.

What is Stacy B.'s problem with you three, anyway?

It's not Stacy B.'s problem with us three,

it's really just... me.

See, all through childhood, me and Stacy B. were best friends.

We even had matching BFF toe rings.

But then, as we got older, things changed,

and it all came to a head one day at school.

She had already disinvited me from her birthday party,

which was weird because it was happening at my house.

But then I made the fatal error of coming to school

in a very fun airbrushed T-shirt

where the "U" in my name was replaced by a rainbow.

And out of nowhere, Stacy B. turned to me and said...

Are you wearing a shirt

with your own name on it

where the "U" is replaced by a rainbow?

(laughter)

AMELIA: Oof. If there's one thing I've learned

from C.J. on The West Wing,

it's that a well-timed rhetorical question

can cut very deep.

All she did was point out a fact, but a line was drawn.

Stacy left me behind, and I never understood it.

And I couldn't even bring myself to take my BFF toe ring off,

and it really hurts, because it got very tight.

And also, it hurts emotionally

because she didn't want to be my friend anymore.

Both things are unpleasant!

Well, when Chicago Jill gets here,

she's gonna take us from The Three Muska-weirds

to the four muska-cool-girls you respect too much to bully.

Just like Dane's calf-Garfield says: "No worries."

-(grunts) -Ah. Ah.

GIBBONS: Attention, let's kick off

this full week of out-of-town fun

from today Meet-Ya-Monday to Friday's Bon Voyage Bonfire.

It's my honor to present Lone Moose's annual

"Lower 48 Exchange Student."

And now, without further ado...

This is further ado.

What you're doing right now is textbook further ado.

-Oh, well, ado apologize. -Mm-mm. Yuck.

Well, I liked it. Anyway, here's Jill Gerbert-Erble.

Oh, man. Here she comes in her leather jacket and heels.

Uh... Jill? Huh.

She told me she wanted to make a big entran-

-(upbeat music plays) -Oh, here we go.

(imitates fanfare)

Rub your antennas together for the Queen Bee!

Thank you, sir, however, I am not, nor will I ever be,

comfortable sharing the stage.

Please step back.

Now, who's ready to take a Jill Pill?

Side effects include: diah-respect for bees.

Oh, no.

You're probably wondering

what my life is like back home,

on the Gerbert-Erble Family Bee Farm.

So let me tell you: amazing.

Um, what is happening?

The Gerbert-Erble Family Bee Farm is located 45 minutes

outside of Long Grove,

in an unincorporated hamlet called Beesville.

My school is in Long Grove, my online school.

I go twice a year to take exams.

Have you ever even been to Chicago?

(scoffs) Why? So I can get trampled to death

by all the improv actors sprinting to get in line

for deep dish pizzas? No, thank you.

Of course, this absolute bizarro is staying

with The Three Muska-weirds.

I bet they're gonna spend the whole week

holding hands on the toilet.

(laughs) Freaks.

It's like my rainbow T-shirt came to life

and lives on a bee farm.

So, you guys are staying here all week just to be with moi?

It's like a little hive and I'm the queen.

Oh, okay, so, the bee thing is like...

this is, like, your whole personality?

-Cool. -Now, Mrs. Esther and Mr. Walter,

where do you keep your honey carafe?

-Oh, for... what? -(laughs): Okay, Walt.

Like we were gonna have tacos without honey?

-You big clown. -What?

Dad, Jill, um, loves honey and bees,

and actually has a super interesting life

back on her family's bee farm, so...

Wait a second. A farm?

Not Chicago? I thought you were a big-city big shot?

I am something of a big shot.

Not to buzz my own hind wings,

but I'm, uh, in charge of a whole section of the apiary.

Ooh. Oh, no. Mrs. Esther, where is the nearest toilet?

Just down that hallway on the left.

Please do not wait for me to eat the tacos.

The TSA seized my water bottle full of honey,

and, without my daily dose,

oof, my bowels have been thrown for quite a loop.

Okay, go ahead. You can say it.

We're The Four Muska-weirds now. This blows.

Come on, Judy, she's definitely odd,

but she's only here five days.

And we shouldn't make her feel weird.

Yeah, maybe we'll turn her cool.

-You guys? -Dane, I will ground you.

I'm in college.

I mean, she certainly can't get less normal,

so I don't see a downside.

JILL: False alarm, that was actually

just a very significant gas event.

The candle you had lit in there blew right out, ma'am.

(laughs) Now, where are we on that honey carafe?

All right, Robert. I'm just gonna get my homework done,

and you... do that.

Ouch! Ow!

Okay. Just gonna drape this over you carefully and- Ow!

Okay, now you're being unreasonable.

That's enough, young man.

All right, while I have dinner,

you sit in your little book jail

and think about what you've done, Robert.

(snoring)

(gasps)

-Were you watching me sleep? -(singsongy): Only since dawn.

I sleep bee hours, 11:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m.

Are you ready for a wacky Waco weekend girls' trip?

I read that in my in-flight magazine.

I have no idea what it means,

but I really enjoyed saying it.

Anyway, what do we have planned for after school?

Anything is fine with me, such as and for instance,

there is a very exciting indoor bee farm

in Fairbanks I'd love to see.

It's only a nine-hour drive, but I get sick if the car goes

over 30 miles an hour, so it will take us 18.

Or what if instead we take you to the mall

for new clothes and new hair, and just, like...

-change everything about you. -Oh. -Judy!

(groans) What Judy is trying to say is, uh,

on Friday, there's this event at school,

the Bon Voyage Bonfire,

and there's this fun tradition where you toss things

in the fire you want to let go of,

and maybe you'd like to get a new outfit for it or something.

Wait, are you offering me a human teen makeover?

Offering, suggesting, demanding,

whatever you want to call it.

-We're offering. -And if you happen to say...

turn heads at school, and people wonder,

"Wait, who is that exchange student,

and look at her normal and not weird friends!"

Well, pfft, I don't know, that would be neat.

Oh, my God! I accept!

It'll "bee" my greatest honor.

-You know, like a bee. -Yeah. we got it! We get it. We-we got it.

All right, after school, we'll have

a Lone Moose Makeover Extravaganza.

♪ You should be your, you should be yourself ♪

♪ Unless you're acting like a bee ♪

♪ Then you should definitely be somebody else ♪

Did you know there's a hairstyle named after beehives?

-Jill, no. -♪ Ooh, be yourself ♪

♪ Unless other people don't like it ♪

♪ Ooh, be yourself. ♪

Okay, two words: the dump.

Yes. (giggles) The dump.

Have I told you they've reinstated

their early evening hours?

Yes, Dad. Many times.

They haven't had evening hours since I worked there in my 20s.

I did our trash run a whole two days early.

-Your turn, Ham. -Oh, uh, sorry, one sec.

I'm texting Crispin. "How's Robert?"

Who's Robert? You know I like to meet

all your new friends, so I can also befriend them.

Oh, crap, I forgot I'm cactus-sitting.

Skip my turn, I'm gonna go snap a pic for Crispin.

I'm up. All right, babe.

Movie marriage mind meld, here we go.

-Okay, you're eating, a-and it's family style. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-Family is very important to you. -Mm-hmm.

In fact, your car robbing group is

-an awful lot like a family. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-Fast and Furious 7! -Woo-hoo!

Robert?

Robert!

-Dad, did you really go to the dump already? -Why, yes.

They reinstated their early evening hours, so...

How could you?!

Hey, bud. Calm down. What's up?

Oh, I don't know,

my own dad dropped my boyfriend's cactus

that I promised I'd keep an eye on at the dump,

and now it's lost forever!

-How could you do this, Father?! -Ham, don't panic.

The dump's closed for the next couple of days.

Paulie's taking Wednesday and Thursday off

to work on his novel: Jeremy Can, Garbage Detective.

But we can go on Friday and ask to have our trash back.

And in the meantime, maybe send Crispin an emoji.

I think teens love those.

Ooh, try shrimp or the eggplant.

No, Dad, the eggplant is...

Actually, you know what, I will send him that one.

Hello, everyone.

Read us and weep. It's us, The Oresome Foursome.

That's like "awesome" but better, and it rhymes, so...

It does rhyme, but I don't like it.

Hello, Quay, a cool boy in our grade.

Oh, hey, Judy. Kima. Amelia. Bee girl.

Uh, okay, take another look. Not a bee girl.

She's just a regular, human girl

who is friends with us. Oh, hi, Stacy.

-I didn't even see you there. -Oh, hey, Judy.

Hey, Jill. You look nice.

Yeah, that's right, she does.

You might even say she looks, uh, Muska-fierce.

Mm-mm. No. Don't say that.

Uh, excuse us! Excuse us!

(laughs) Lower 48 cool girl and her besties coming through.

-Choo choo. -Or her best bees.

Jill, no. No, no.

And to think, I knew them when they were weird.

♪ You should be your, you should be yourself ♪

♪ Unless you're acting like a bee ♪

♪ Then you should definitely be somebody else. ♪

See you later, Jude, and all Jude's dudes.

I cannot believe the week we're having.

Stacy B. hasn't called me a muska-weird even once

since Jill's makeover, and our lunch table is

absolutely popping off.

Do you guys think we should sell tickets?

To sit with us? No, you're right, not yet, not yet.

Can you even imagine rolling into The Bon Voyage Bonfire

-tonight with this momentum? -I'm gonna go see about getting

more honey packets from the lunch lady.

Buzz right back.

Hey, Jill, big news, you're sitting with us today.

Okay, but I won't share my honey packets.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Did Stacy B. really just steal Jill away to sit with her?

Well, Jill does love bees,

so this works on a lot of levels.

No, no. She can't have Jill, too. I can fix this.

-I have to. -Let it go, Jude.

-Judy! -Oh, no.

(clears throat) Hello, it's me, Judy Tobin.

-Jill's friend. -Jill's friend?

(chuckles): Anyway, I just wanted to address the elephant in the room.

Yes, the rumors are true.

Jill just sat down with Stacy B.

I can't believe this is happening

during my birthday month.

-What a gift. -But Jill is still our friend.

She's not leaving us for Stacy B. or whatever.

She will be back with us very soon,

and a thank you, and, um, and drive safe.

And, uh, come on back, Jill.

(scoffs) Let's get out of here, Jill.

I have a piece of toast in my locker

that looks exactly like Shawn Mendes.

It's gonna blow your mind.

Okay. Well, she's just gonna go,

and then we'll go, and then we'll all see her later.

(laughs nervously)

-Well, that was probably fine, right? -Judy, no.

It wasn't fine. It was embarrassing and bad.

Yeah, seriously, Judy, let it go.

I'm sorry, but no!

The days of Stacy B. treating me like garbage

have to be over.

I know where she hangs out after school.

Let's just please go there later and get Jill back

in time for the Bon Voyage Bonfire.

We're finally getting cool.

-Please? -Geez, Judy, fine.

Okay, I'll go physically, but mentally I'm gonna be

at my favorite place: the bulk bins in the grocery store,

sticking my hands in the malt balls because it feels great.

Hello, Paulie, how are you today?

In the middle of a particularly riveting episode

of Pretty Little Liars, that's how I am.

-Now, can I help you with something? -I hope so.

I accidentally threw away a cactus, and...

-(gasps) I can't believe it. -Yeah, it's stressful.

One of the Pretty Little Liars just dropped a huge truth bomb.

Don't see that every day. Now, what's going on?

Paulie, we just need to get back some of the trash I dropped off,

-to retrieve something important. -A.D.A.F., bud.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Hmm. We're not beaten yet.

I happen to know a secret way in.

Let's get that cac back.

You know, bees actually have big hearts, emotionally,

but tiny hearts, physically,

which often explode during times of stress.

Ugh! Like, take a Xanax and get in the hot tub, bees.

Uh, if you ever put a bee in a hot tub, miss lady,

I'll rip your wings off and feed you your own stinger.

Ugh! Stacy B.'s just doing this to get back at me!

She doesn't even like bees! It makes me sick.

You know what makes me sick, Judy?

The thought of missing Kima's mom's tater tot casserole.

So, what exactly is the plan here?

-Well, I'm gonna go out there and tell Jill- -STACY B.: Oh, my God.

Is that The Three Muska-weirds?

Did you follow us here? That is beyond.

Actually, uh, no, we didn't follow you here.

We came here independently to check on...

the wind, and it sure is blowing, so okay.

Anyway, while we're here, Jill, you should know

that Stacy is only hanging out with you to get back at me.

She's trying to make sure I go back

to being a loser who gets called names

and doesn't have friends, so...

Wait, "doesn't have friends"?

Yeah, I thought we were humiliating ourselves

on this freezing cold dock

so our friend could prove some dumb point.

-I guess not. -Wait, no. Come on.

-That's not fair. -Save it, Judy.

We're supposed to be three queens,

but you just treated us like worker drones.

Ugh, I can't believe I accidentally

learned this much about bees! Let's go, Kima.

Uh, there would never be three queen bees, Amelia!

The hatched queen would kill the other two

by stinging them. (burps) Ooh.

This hot chocolate makes me burp.

Aha! Bingo.

I cut this slit in December 1999,

after I lost my keys

at a particularly wild Dump-2-K party.

Crushed a lot of computers that night.

And a lot of Zimas.

(chuckles): We felt so free.

Kind of cool to be at the dump at night, huh?

I wish I had fewer cockroaches in my pant legs,

but overall, not bad.

Put her in park, son.

This is where they dump the newest trash.

Dad, look, that's got to be our stuff!

Yup, glad I bought those hot pink trash bags on sale.

I was a little afraid they would make our garbage

look too flirty but sure paying off.

Robert? Dad, I found Robert!

-Oh, no, he's... -PAULIE: Hey, stop right there!

I'm putting you in dump jail!

Ham, run. Dump jail is awful.

I got an update on the salmon count,

-if anybody is interested. -No, Walt. -No, Dad.

(clears throat) Don't mind me, um, uh,

just gonna grab my stuff for the bonfire and go.

Yeah, good, go.

Okay, I know a fight when I see one.

What's going on here? And where's bee girl?

(crying): We did have a fight, and we lost the bee girl!

Uh-oh, should I call Chief Edna?

We didn't literally lose her.

We lost her to Stacy B.

And then I lost two other friends,

because I, Judy Tobin,

am just in general terrible at friends!

(crying)

Uh, sorry you suck at being a teen girl

and everything, but shotgun on those tots.

-(sobbing) -What in the hell is going on?

What's going on is that Judy is so obsessed

with proving some dumb point to Stacy B.

that she basically forgot we existed

and said she had "no friends."

I did not! I mean, I did, but...

Judy, these two girls would do anything for you

and to take them for granted like that,

well, you're being a real douche.

-Thank you. -Not so fast. You two?

-Also being douches. -Yeah, Kima, stop being a douche.

-Dane, go to your room. -Are you kidding me? I'm 19.

-Room. -(scoffs) Fine.

As I was saying, Judy here is going through some biz,

and when your friends go through biz,

you don't ice them out like this.

Understood? When you have a husband

who pretty much only likes to talk about

-how the world's about to end... -It is.

...you realize one thing: life is short,

and you got to hang on to your real friends.

What matters is something you girls already have,

-and it's right here in front of you. -I'm sorry.

-Me, too. -Me three.

I just don't understand, Judy.

We usually don't care about being popular or cool,

but suddenly it's all you can talk about.

Ugh! Stacy B. brings that out in me!

She's my Achilles' heel.

Or maybe my Achilles' toe, because that's

where that stupid BFF toe ring still is.

Judy, Stacy B. is a nonsense person.

Let her have her popularity.

For someone like her, high school is their time.

After high school, you know what's waiting for her?

Nothing. She's peaked. It's all downhill after that.

You know who else it's all downhill for?

-Mother Earth. -Absolutely not, Walter.

-Understood. -Now eat up.

And if you go to that party later,

please make sure the bee girl's all right.

I saw her try to sting the neighbor.

She chased him for a good five minutes.

She shouldn't be unsupervised.

(giggles) That's gonna make dropping off our trash

a little awkward but sure was worth it.

Ham? Everything okay, son?

No, I killed Crispin's cactus.

Oh, no, son, are you worried that Crispin will be mad at you?

I mean, yeah, he might be a little for a minute,

but our relationship is super strong.

I'll say I'm sorry, and he'll be okay.

So then, what are you worried about?

I'm worried about this guy, Dad.

Me, your son, Ham.

I know I'm only 16, and it's a little weird,

but I think about wanting kids someday,

as, like, a life goal, but...

but remember when I won that goldfish

at the fish toss and forgot to feed it?

-You were eight. -Uh-huh.

How that time I watched Moon,

and he ate, like, a whole pie.

He's an unstoppable dessert hole,

-consuming all that surrounds him. -Yeah, but...

those things, and now this.

If I'm not responsible enough to keep a cactus alive,

there's no way I should have an actual human baby.

Oh, Ham, just because you killed a cactus

doesn't mean you won't be a good dad someday.

Look at me. I used to lose my keys and use cable cutters

to break into my own job.

But then, eventually I grew up.

And then one day, I was ready to take care of you kids.

I mean, I wasn't, but I had to.

And then I was. That'll happen to you, too, Ham.

-Just give it time. -Thanks, Dad. I love you.

I guess I ought to text Crispin.

"Hi, Crispin.

"I'm sorry to tell you that Robert went

to the big desert in the sky."

Cactus emoji, ghost emoji, shrug emoji, heart emoji.

And an eggplant.

You know, just to keep it fun. Send.

See you in hell, Roger the Friendly Starfish.

Bon voyage, birth certificate.

This will definitely stir things up at home.

-Whose son even am I? -Is that...?

My best friends forever toe ring from Stacy B.?

You bet it is. It took a lot of baby oil,

but I wrestled it off in Kima's bathroom after dinner.

Bon voyage, Stacy B.

Yeah, bon voyage, dumbass.

Bon voyage, Stacy's phone.

What the...? What?

You said you were getting too many texts.

-I was helping you. -(screams)

All right, let's be good friends and go save Jill.

♪ They don't want us to be together ♪

♪ They say we don't work, like wet weather and leather ♪

♪ But when I stick my hands in ♪

♪ I feel a joy that's all mine ♪

♪ The soothing movin' rhythm of malt balls ♪

♪ Makes me freeze in time ♪

♪ It may be unsanitary ♪

♪ And it may technically be a crime ♪

♪ Oh, a dip in the mothball bin ♪

♪ Sounds absolutely divine ♪

♪ A perfect match like Alice Toklas ♪

♪ And her sweetie pie Gertrude Stein ♪

♪ I feel like I've died and gone to heaven ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, my hands are in the bulk bin. ♪

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