All language subtitles for Mr. Mayor -20- The Debate.srt ENG

Welcome to "Mayor Chat."I'm Chet Danville
outside the home

of Mayor-For-Now,
Neil Bremer,

for some good,
old-fashioned field reporting.

Journalism!
- Oh, jeez!

Dan, it's okay.
He's harmless.

Tell that to the mice
in my lemon tree.

Mayor Bremer, on the brink
of an historic recall,

do you care to comment
on DaughterGate?

Your own daughter
is supporting Titi B.

Whip pan!

Oh, this is great.

This is great TV.
Look at his face.

Orly, you're team Titi,

and you put a bumper sticker
on a lease?

I'm sorry, Dad.

But supporting her
is the only way to get access

to her exclusive emoji pack.

Okay, I guarantee you

Titi B. does not want my job.

The office Wi-Fi never has
more than two bars.

If Titi B. is still
in this race tomorrow,

I'll buy you a car.

Oh, wait.
I already did.

You said it was a lease.
Were you lying, Mr. Mayor?

Come on, Chet, no, get that--
oh, stop.

Hey, cubs.

I'm coming to you
from my CryoPartment,

the only cryo chamber designed
for teens by teens.

Now I know I promised
a big announcement

in today's livestream,

and you guys...

I've signed a deal
with Netflix!

Obvs this means
I won't be able to do mayor,

but like, shouldn't I play
Eleanor Reagan

in a movie or something?

Also, I think
this CryoPartment

just cured my ADHD.

I knew it.

I knew she'd get distracted
by something shiny.

Way to shame her
for her ADHD, Dad.

I gotta get Tommy over here.

Our whole debate strategy
just changed.

Consult a physician if your
blood completely freezes.

Alexa, call Jaden.

We got a real debate
on our hands!

Calling Jaden,

because people
walk all over me.

Good morning,
fellow colleagues.

Likewise, colleague.

Oh, my God, this might be
worse than the flirting.

No, wait.
Nothing's worse than that.

I bet you can't pick me up.

- I bet I can.
- No, I bet you--oh, my God!

James, you're so strong!

Now that we're actually dating,

we're just trying
to be professional, Thomas.

Ugh.

Good morning, sir.

Look,
I'm gonna be out of the office

prepping for the debate today.

So I need you
to hold down the fort.

On it, sir--I will hold down
this fort like--

oh, who's that guy
from history?

He had a hat.
I wanna say Texas--

Yeah, okay.
We both got busy days.

Where's your fridge?

I don't eat anything
that requires refrigeration.

Now focus up.
Without that Gen Z Barbie

on stage, we can actually
have a substantive debate

where I give Mayor Bremer
a fact-based smackdown.

Yeah, it's just that debates
aren't actually won on facts.

It's about perception.

Like most voters,
I just scroll through my phone,

see who's smiling,
who's got a bug on their head.

To quote Thomas Jefferson--
problematic--

"An informed citizenry

is at the heart
of a dynamic democracy."

Boring.
Change the channel.

So you want me
to get up there, and what,

smile and talk about nothing?

You're the one
who asked me to rebrand you.

Like Dunkin' or Maleficent.

If you go on TV dressed
like the meanest newsie,

and start handing out
fact-based smackdowns,

then you're just back to the
old Arpi who loses elections.

I've always refused
to play this game.

But I've never been
this close to glory.

Let's do this, Kwapis.

Tart me up and dumb me down.

When I'm done with you,

you're gonna stop
getting your mail

'cause your mailman
won't recognize you.

He'll think you moved.
He'll have to take it back.

When Titi B. was running,

no one could think
about anything else.

Like when there's
a bird in the food court.

Now we can focus on
who is actually

most qualified for the job.

Uh, we do need
to be careful there.

If we engage with Arpi
in actual debate,

you're gonna look
like a lightweight.

Hey.
I know the issues.

Mr. Mayor,
do you think everyone in L. A.

should be on a time-of-use
variable utility rate,

or do you stand
by the current tiered system?

Thank you for that question.

The tiered system--
well, I just spoke with--

Oh, shoot, uh...

Is this the image you want
to project on stage today?

I look like my grandfather
trying to set a digital watch.

Right, which is why we're not
going to engage on the issues.

This is
an oppo-research dossier

that I prepared on Arpi.

Arrests
for civil disobedience,

credit reports,

a photo of her
attacking Dick Cheney

that looks like
she's trying to hug him--

God, you know--
absolutely not.

Say what you will
about Arpi Meskimen--

Her hair
is a step back for women.

Her style inspiration is
hardware-store Rumpelstiltskin.

But she's a straight shooter.

She's not gonna play games.

And as long
as I look like this...

I don't have to either.

I don't know what I did.

But still, good lookin' cat.

So what do you
have to do today?

Award key to the city

to guy who convinced
Elon Musk to move to Texas...

- Oh, yeah.
- Hand out, uh--

what are
centenarian certificates?

Oh, Angelenos that turn 100

get a certificate
from the mayor...

who's not here today.

Oh, that's so sad.

Maybe we should reschedule?

- Ah, that feels...risky.
- Yeah, better get them in.

So do you wanna grab
a bite later?

Maybe some place quiet
where we can talk?

Talk?

Ms. Shaw, your 11:00.

Okay, great.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to meet
with some 100-year-olds.

You guys look 80, tops.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I never get out, except
for doctor's appointments,

funerals, and when I just
wake up at the bus station.

And now
I get to meet the mayor!

- Which of you is Mayor Bremer?
- Oh...

Uh, Mayor Nell Bremer.

It's spelled wrong on the door.

Government work, am I right?

Hello.

Hey.

Is that...

Arpi?

Okay.
Unexpected.

Jayden convinced her
to soften her look.

Who knew that was in there?

Ms. Meskimen,

how can you expect to be mayor
of the City of Angels

with a butt like the devil?

Oh, you.

"Oh, you?"

This is the woman who
Spider-Man'd up

an unfinished high-rise

to yell at a construction
worker who whistled at her.

Exactly, sir.
That's still Arpi

underneath that skirt suit.

You need to get
the real Arpi to come out.

Like when you feed
a real housewife eight rosés.

Oh, this?

Okay,
maybe just leave it with me.

End her.

Welcome to the Los Angeles
Mayoral Recall Debate. I'm Chet Danville.

Let's jump right in.

Homelessness used to be

a reliable staple
of sitcom hijinks.

Gas Mask Reggie,

how do we fix it
so it can be funny again?

Chet,
this is my tenth campaign,

and my platform
has not changed.

By the time
you need a gas mask,

it will be too late.

I cede
the remainder of my time.

Great stuff as always, Reggie.

Former Mayor Victor Delgado.

I am back, healthy, and ready
to serve the city again.

Same question to you.

No, I can't do this.

Sorry.
Sorry, everyone.

And just like that,
it's a three-way race.

Deputy Mayor Arpi Meskimen.

Homelessness.
Go.

L. A.

Where else can you go
to the beach and the mountains

on the same day?
Am I right?

Whoo!

"Mayor Bremer."

Same question.

I have a better question, Chet.

How can you trust a woman...

Well said.

Who'd run for mayor against
the very man who hired her?

There you go again.

No, no, no, no, come on.

Let's not forget
about all the promises

she's made over the years:

making L. A. carbon-neutral,

freeing the zoo animals,

getting the porn industry
to shoot on film again.

I mean,
has any of that happened?

No.

It's all digital
and you can tell.

It's ruined storytelling.

Oh.
Never done a fist pump before.

It's easy.

- Ms. Meskimen, your response?
- You know, Chet?

I'll tell you a little
something about loyalty.

Go L. A. sports!

Chet, Chet,
you can't bring props.

You cannot bring props--

I guess
the biggest question is:

what do I do after being the
youngest mayor in L. A. history?

Okay, thank you all

for stopping by.
See you all again at 200.

I used to work
in this building.

I met Mayor Bowron here
in 1948.

Now I'm meeting you here.
The current mayor.

That's right.

I know it's hard to believe
it happened in your lifetime.

I mean, yes, Obama was first.

But in some ways,
this is a bigger deal.

Okay, thank you
for coming, sir.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

What?

I'm not gonna apologize
for brightening up their day.

I mean, Eugene said
I had gams for miles,

and for a second, I was like,
"This old man could get it."

Oh...kay.

Well, back to reality.

I made a dinner reservation,

but can we drive
there separately?

I've got a psych-up mix,

and I don't think it's gonna
work if you're there.

Uh, yeah, James, um,

what exactly do we
need to talk about tonight?

'Cause you said
"talk" like "talk."

Uh, okay.

So you know
I don't actually work here.

- Uh-huh.
- And at some point,

Impactium is gonna put me
on another project,

and they can send me anywhere.

You know, before everything
shut down for COVID,

I spent six months
in Kansas City.

On which side?

- Kansas.
- I don't know why I asked.

I don't have
an informed opinion.

So I asked my boss

if my next assignment could be
in Southern California.

Uh, what, because of me?

So we can see
where this goes...

You okay?
- Oh, yes, more than okay.

I am A-okay.

A-okay!

A-A-okay-okay!

Why did I cheer that?

Okay.

Ms. Meskimen,
it is true that you are running

against the administration
that you work for.

What exactly
would you do differently?

Well, for starters,
I don't think I'd build

a 20,000-mile-long
space elevator.

What's that compensating for?

Probably a small penis.

Sometimes tall guys
are like that.

Well, unlike Ms. Meskimen,

I didn't make sexual advances
towards a subordinate

who was then fired.

Are we at Burger King, folks?

'Cause that fib was a whopper.

I think we should believe

the victims
of workplace harassment.

So do I!

Oh, he's here.

Good job, Tommy.

My name is Patrick Schenk.

I used to film
city council meetings,

but then Deputy Mayor Meskimen

kissed me in a parking lot,

and threw me away

like a remote control
shark balloon

that breaks one second
after you assemble it!

And she did it at Christmas.

We'll be right back after
a full episode of "Scrubs."

Our scheduling guy
made a mistake.

He's lying! Patrick didn't get fired,

'cause he didn't work
at city hall!

He was a stalker.

That doesn't matter.

What matters is
that you look like a winner.

"L.A. Weekly" has
a "who wore it better?"

with you and Lisa Vanderpump.

And you now have a page
on celebrityankles.net.

I just can't believe
they'd go low.

Tommy talks more trash
than Oscar the Grouch.

But I have a move up my sleeve

that'll make Oscar
look like freakin' Elmo.

I didn't know
you had it in you, Kwapis.

The dirty tricks.
- I don't like it,

but I am a student of Nixon.

Cynthia Nixon.

You remember when she ran
for governor of New York?

I only went negative to win,
and I am not winning.

Sir, Arpi can't keep this up.

It's like when I tried
to date women in college.

Sure, you can fake it
for a couple weeks,

but eventually they want
more than just cuddling

and listening to the London
cast recording of "Les Mis,"

and then you snap.

I don't have wigs, Tommy.

I need a knockout punch now!

Hey, kiddo.

Wow, Dad.
I can't even watch this.

"Scrubs?"
It was a hit, honey.

No,
"Scrubs" is funny and touching,

and Neil Flynn is a treasure.

Just--
how could you go so negative?

Well, what about Arpi?

Her hair looks different,
and she's smiling.

Yeah, and meanwhile,

you're just being a bully
and a muckraker.

I think you mean
a mudslinger.

Mudslinger, fine.

You just love undercutting
women, don't you?

Mud.

Arpi's dysentery initiative.

Yeah, everything great
from your office came from her.

Banning oil drilling,
ADU's for the unhoused,

family planning for coyotes...

I know how to break Arpi.

Tommy,
I've got a situation here.

James asked his firm
to keep him in L. A.

For, like, us.

Oh.
Wow.

Right?
I mean,

I wanna see where this goes, sure.

But he's making career
decisions because of me?

And he moved in with his ex
after only three months.

I mean, are big gestures,
like, his thing?

Because big-gesture guys suck!

My college boyfriend
filled my dorm room with doves.

They gave me SARS.

Okay, so you'd rather
James did nothing?

No, nothing guys are worse.

This guy I dated in Silver Lake
just walked away

when I got caught sneaking
his pot into a Phish concert.

He sounds white.
So what exactly do you want?

I just want--

have you ever seen Whitney
Houston in "The Bodyguard"?

Oh, okay.
So you just want someone

to take a bullet for you.

I mean, yes.

Something spontaneous
that is 1,000% for me!

I mean, Micah put those doves

in my room when I was sleeping, Tommy.

I rolled over and popped one.

It sounded like a bag of chips,

and I woke up eating it--

Okay.
I'm in the middle of a debate.

Yeah, tell Mayor Bremer
he's gotta change it up.

Just talk about job numbers,

and how great
the weather has been.

Also tell Arpi if she's looking

for a chief of staff
with experience that I--

Hello?

There she is.

That's the woman who's been
impersonating the mayor.

You think I didn't know who
the mayor was because I'm old?

I'm old because
I've been outsmarting death

for 100 years!

That's a weird thing to say.

I used to work
in the DA's office,

and California
penal code number 529

makes it a felony to
impersonate a public official.

God, I missed this!

Mayor Bremer.

During "Scrubs,"
I misplaced my questions.

Is there anything
you'd like to ask me?

There is, Chet.

I'd like to ask you to ask me

what achievements
I'm most proud of.

What achievements
are you most proud of?

Thank you.

Great question, Chet.

As you know,
I've taken on the oil industry.

I banned drilling in the city,

and I'm working
on ending the practice

off our beautiful beaches
as well.

And I made it possible
for coyotes to have sex

for pleasure,
and not just reproduction.

And when I return to office,

I will initiate a program
to mitigate urban dysentery,

or M. U. D. for short.

You son of a bitch!

Diarrhea's mine, Bremer.

All those ideas are mine.

Then why haven't we heard
a single idea

from you all night, Meskimen?

Because I want
these morons to like me!

I put on
this whole stupid costume

to play a game
that makes me sick!

Well, enough!
This isn't me.

This isn't my hair!

Yeah,
that's gonna be the photo.

This is me!

If you don't like it,
don't vote for me.

Fine, I won't.

Dodgers suck!

Yeah!

Good race, Jayden.
I had fun.

It's not over yet.

I still have
an October surprise.

Even though it's--
wait, what month is it?

Not that.
I don't know what that is.

That seems bad.

Oh, my God.

Is anyone else, like,
so tired of these two?

Okay, sir.

I think there must be
some mistake here.

A mistake you're gonna have
plenty of time

to think about in jail!

Or community service.

Look, Ms. Shaw,
he's making a complaint.

I gotta take it down.

Seriously?
Okay, no.

This is getting out of hand.
I-I--

Granddaddy!
There you are.

Hey, get off me, man.

What?
You don't know me?

It's Ernie.
It's Ruthie's son.

He keeps wandering off quoting
old "Law and Order" episodes.

He's watched so much,
he thinks he's a lawyer.

I am a lawyer.

Let's get you home, Gramps.

I drove myself here!

Officer, he was there!

The son of a bitch
was in on it!

I believe you, sir,

and I'm gonna get
Detectives Benson and Stabler

to deal with it.

Don't leave me
with these lunatics!

I'm sorry, sir.
So, so, so sorry.

Thank you for your service.

I'll be waiting
for you in hell.

Please don't look at me, Mikaela.

That was awful--

Okay, if your kink is me
gaslighting the elderly,

I can work with that.

No, you took a bullet for me.

I'm Whitney
and you're Kevin Costner.

Yes, I get that all the time.

You should stay in L. A.

Are you sure?

Hey!
You withdrew! You can't
just show up at the end.

My generation views work differently.

We make our own hours, and we
don't believe in hierarchies.

That explains
why my interns bully me.

So I'm, like, back.
And guess what?

Netflix loved
that I was running for mayor,

so that's the show
they wanna do with me.

You guys will watch that,
right?

So vote Titi B.
or else I'll have to run

for mayor in my safety city, Denver.

They said they'd hold
the position open for me,

but you guys
are my first choice.

That concludes
the main portion of the debate.

We'll be right back...

After I answer this call
from my doctor.

Chet Danville here.

Why are you crying?

And that's a wrap

on Mayor Shaw's
successful term in office.

Russian hackers
did take over the subway,

but there was no one on it, so.

I just got
my next assignment.

Please don't tell me

it's in Palm Springs.

My hair gets so dry
in the desert.

Dubai.

The place from "Mission
Impossible: Ghost Protocol"?

But I thought you told them
you wanted to stay here.

Yeah, I requested that.

But they send me
where they need me.

Wow.

I guess this really is
"The Bodyguard."

I continue rocketing to
the top, looking amazing,

and you have to move on
to your next assignment.

I mean,
you're not gonna quit for me.

Well, I guess it's a good
thing we got the news so early.

No time for anyone
to catch feelings, right?

Right.

It's nice working with you, Mikaela.

Likewise, James.

Hey, now,
where are you going?

We still have
closing statements.

Oh, no, I'm good.

Hey, this isn't
just about you, little missy!

The people of Los Angeles
deserve better

than an Instagram shoe person

who changes their mind
every two seconds.

I'm not just a shoe person.

I also have a line
of conflict jewelry.

Warlord:
teach the controversy,

wear the controversy.
- Mm-hmm.

And I didn't
just change my mind.

This is always my move.

I say I'm not coming,

and then I show up super late

when there's already drama,

and everyone's
just psyched to see me.

It's how I roll at parties,

movie premieres,
and Thanksgiving.

My family's Palestinian,
so there's always something,

but it's usually Israel.

You planned this.

You let us tear
each other apart,

so you could swoop in
and be the hero?

It's rope-a-dope!

And we're the dopes!

Peace be with you.

Hey, this conversation's
not over, young lady--

Hey! Get--
- Let's go. Get the car ready.

God, darn it.

Well, looks like I'm getting
a disease named after me.

You guys ready
for closing statements?

Oh!
Welcome back!

There he is.

My October surprise.

Well, hello, Mr. Mayor.

Do I know you?

Does the name
"Angie Patinkin" ring a bell?

Oh, my word.
Um, Angie?

Wow!
Uh, when was that?

1965?

You look good.

I'm not Angie, you idiot.

I'm her daughter...

Dad.

What?

Oh, my God.

Cliffhanger.

So who's gonna pay for the
cab I took from Flagstaff?

I don't fly.

Airlines put me on a list,
right, and you know what?

They're on mine!

Hello?
This is he.

I won the raffle?

Guys, I'm getting' a lizard!

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!