All language subtitles for Mr. Mayor -18- Titi B.srt ENG

Morning, Titi Bears.
I gotta be real right now,

and this is not a paid ad.

If you wanna be like me,
you gotta be cool, real,

and you need...

an Arby's Brisket Bacon
Beef 'n Cheddar.

I high-key live on these.

Hashtag paid ad.

Mmm!
Yum-yum-yum-gulp-swallow.

I'm loving your guys' comments.

"Heart, heart, heart."
"Your fit is fire."

"How are you steering?"

Now I gotta go back
to the car store.

Okay, I know all you bears
wanna know

what I hit this time.

So...

oh, no!

It's the tall mom
from "Knives Out."

Is that guy, like, dying?

I told you,

spaghetti is not car food!

Hey, last time I checked,
you were the mayor,

not a spaghetti expert.

Sir, do you want us
to clear your calendar

to see a chiropractor?

No, no. We clear nothing.

Today is the day
I announce my space elevator.

The accident's already up
to 3 million views,

and the hashtag "spaghetti guy"
is trending.

Spaghetti guy?

I am so much more than that.

I am a son.
I am a grandson.

I am a father
to a virtual dolphin.

Jayden,
you got an extra shirt?

No, but this one
is reversible.

Okay.

Sir, the young woman
who hit you...

Yeah.
Do you know that

she was doing a YouTube
while driving?

Well, her name is Titi B.

She has 102 million Instagram
followers, even more on TikTok.

Why?

So they can watch her
eat a sandwich in a car?

Or next to a pool.

And she wants to apologize
in person.

Hey, bear cubs.

So I feel like v remorseful
about hitting that grandpa.

I think he hurt his neck,

and you know, both of
my grandfathers died, I think.

So this is personal for me.

Well, later today,
I'm gonna be unveiling

a new Instagram mural
in West Hollywood.

Grampy, please come
so I can say hashtag so sorry,

hashtag lawyer's advice,
hashtag Arby's.

Perfect.

Free press
for the space elevator

and maybe free Arby's.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I go to her? She hit me.

And I'm not a Grampy.
I'm a daddy.

Preaching to the gay
men's choir, sir.

But I think we should
make time for her.

A photo with Titi B

could really help
with the youth vote.

Oh, give me a break.

The election is two years away.

Hang on. It's Orly.

Hey, kiddo.

Oh, my God, daddy,
were you in an accident?

- Yes, but I'm okay.
- With Titi B?

What's her phone case?
We never get to see it.

Um, pink,

but also diamonds.

- Oh, my God. That's so cool.
- What is happening here?

You have to take me
and Ceviche with you

when you go meet her.

Well, hang on.
What about school?

We get 51 self-care days
a year.

And my father was just in
a car accident. I need this.

Wait, what did he say
about the case?

Is it a panda like I thought?
- Please take us, please.

'Cause you're the best dad,
please, please, please.

She wants to meet Titi B.
both: Yes, please.

- 'Cause you're the best mayor.
- Please, for the youth vote,

but also I want to know
if I'm taller than her.

both: Please?
- Okay. All right.

Fine. Fine. Fine.
We'll all go meet Titi B.

- You need to fix your eyebrows.
- I have to fix my eyebrows.

Kwapis!

Amazing news.

There was a massive offshore
oil spill in Long Beach.

It's an absolute tragedy.

Okay, I know what's funny
keeps changing,

but I'm pretty sure
that smiling

about that is incorrect.

Environmental disasters are
the only way we make progress.

Calamity leads to outrage,

which leads to calls for action.

Flash-forward a month,

and the governor is signing
an anti-offshore drilling bill.

And if we can do that,
we might have a shot

at getting Maintenance
to replace

these crap halogen lights
with LEDs.

I see you, jumpsuit,
and I know you hear me.

This is awful!
This seagull is covered in oil.

His family won't recognize him,

and then he'll have to go
live with crows.

Send me link. We'll use it.

And then book me
on all the morning shows.

It's a blitz, Kwapis!

Arpi, just a reminder,
the mayor wants everyone

to stay on message.
Today is all space elevator.

Just a reminder, the deputy
mayor's a grown butt woman

who's trying to make sure
the mayor has an Earth left

to attach his dumb elevator to.

Let's do this, Jayden.

Up top.

♪ Mountain

♪ Up top mountain

♪ The up-toppiest mountain

♪ Where the bears
are in charge ♪

♪ Up top mountain

No, you guys are
the real wings.

Oh, my God. There she is.

Why didn't I bring Arby's
for her to sign? I'm so stupid.

She's even prettier in person?

She must use the relatable
filter on her Instagram.

Hey, I'm Mayor Bremer.

How many followers
do you have?

Uh,
today there are five of us.

This mural for verified
Insta-influences

with a million followers
or more.

Uh, sir, you have 3,251.

No, hang on.
It keeps going down.

Oh.

Wait, she gets to go in?

That's @BabyZoey,

and until you've reviewed
every Kinder Surprise,

you'll put some respect
on her name.

Oh, man,
I don't wanna be here.

This whole thing is so stupid.
- Yeah.

If those are the wings
of a dove angel,

there should be four wings

since it had two
before it died.

By that logic, human-angels
should have four legs.

O-M-B.

I'm Buddhist now.

I'm so glad you came.

Oh, the accident really
messed up your neck.

- Oh.
- It's all stretched out

and wrinkly.

My doctor can totally fix that.

I totally could.

I'll make it look like
a shiny tube.

And my lawyer just told me
you're like the mayor?

I did.
I totally told her that.

Yes, I am the mayor,

which means I call
my followers voters.

My daughter really wanted
to meet you.

Then let's take
an apology selfie.

There you go.
Fun. That's good.

Get in there, sir.

- Let's start with a silly one.
- Uh, okay.

Say "cheese."

- Say what?
- Cheese. Say cheese.

- Dad, no! Stop.
- Cheese?

Why would you ask me
to say "cheese"?

Wh--what? What did I do?

- Why would you ask Titi B to say "cheese"?
- Because that's what you do

when you take a picture.

Yeah, maybe in 1930.

How do you not that Ch33$e

is the
rapper/cup stacking artist

who was dating Titi B
until he cheated on her?

Boom!

New personal record.

He's mostly just hot.

How do you not know
any of that?

No, Ceviche.
You don't get to yell at me.

I barely know you.
- Oh, God.

I was afraid of this.
- Okay, Mayor Boomer.

First, you hurt my car.
Then you hurt my heart.

Well, obviously LA's mayor
is Team Yasmin.

Oh, nuts. A street fair.

- I'm team what?
- Yasmine Ciobanu.

The girl Ch33$e cheated with.
God, Dad!

She's a model.
And a hologram.

Do you all hear yourselves?

Sir, you do not wanna
be perceived

as team Yasmine Ciobanu.

People hate her now.

Almost as much
as they hate Slerv,

the Moldovan programmer
who created her.

You should probably apologize...

is the kind of thing
Ceviche would say.

You're not helping, Ceviche!

I'm not gonna apologize
for saying "cheese."

And I'm done talking
about Titi B.

This is so unfair.

I was this close to Titi B
inviting me to her rage room.

And now I'm going back
to school.

Are you happy?

Yes.

And now who's psyched
for the real reason,

we all woke up this morning?

The space elevator, baby!

Going up, going up, going--

Jayden, teeth check.

Yep. They're all there.
Good luck.

You don't need luck when
you've got environmental horror

on your side.

This stuff gets
in the water table,

we're gonna start seeing babies
that are nothing

but a bouquet of feet.

And I haven't even mentioned

how oil affects
porpoise placentas.

Including crystalline silica, formaldehyde,

acetaldehyde--all the hydes.

They permeate the microbiome
of marine life

and move up the food chain
until even your farmers market

moon pies are chock
full of poison.

I wanna go back to Tampa!

So, Arpi,

it says here you're against
offshore drilling.

Me, I like to drill,

all night long.

Do you?

Good luck with that
when benzene poisoning

makes your testicles
look like this.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.

Man, I am killing it.

What's our next stop?

Actually, that's it.
We're done.

Yay! Let's go get Arby's.

Nah, man, we gotta strike
while the oil's slick.

We got six more interviews.

We did got.

Their grandfathers died,
so they had to go to Tampa.

I can hear your heartbeat.

You're lying to me.
What's going on?

Okay.
Start with a compliment.

I like your hands today.

You suck at interviews.
You're terrible at it.

Today, we break ground on not
just another office park

or high rise.

Today we break ground...

on the sky.

With the opening of the
Felix Universal Transit Unit

Research Organization,

or FUTURO,

which is a nod to our thriving
Latinx population

and not because
we couldn't get the E.

Today, we are going to bring
the city of Los Angeles

into the future.

We're gonna build
a space elevator!

All right, now I wanna thank
our corporate partners

who support the Mayor's Fund
and made today possible.

Especially my dear friend,
Sebastian Felix.

Everybody, yeah.

I believe space travel
shouldn't just be

for the wealthy.

It should also be for tourists
and high-risk prisoners.

I think that--
- Okay. All right.

Thank you, Sebastian.

- Okay.
- Hey, well said, buddy.

- Thank you.
- Um...

All right.
Any questions out there?

Mr. Mayor, how will
you apologize to Titi B?

Do you have the power
to give her the Lakers?

Thank you, TMZ.

You know, let's keep the
questions to aerospace, okay?

Sir, are you also hooking up
with Yasmine Ciobanu?

And if so, how?
She's not real, Mr. Mayor.

Oh, come on,
today is about tomorrow.

There's your clickbait for you.

Are you aware you made
Titi B. cry the same month

her cell phone
fell in the pool?

Are you boycotting Titi B.'s
shapewear line?

Your shape says you might be.

Okay. Enough.

I don't wanna hear
another word about Titi B.

What makes her
so interesting anyway?

She does nothing.
- Nothing?

During COVID, she made nachos
with almost no help.

This city used to make things!

Fighter jets, the Mars Rover.

Today all we do is pump out
these internet idiots

so they can tell our daughters

how to show off their
thigh brow at a roof party.

When I build
this space elevator,

I am going to literally
look down

on all these influencers.

Is that a veiled reference
to Titi B's

well-documented struggle
with being 5'2"?

No!

Space elevator. Come on.

I'm terrible, huh?

Well, that's a hot load 'cause
I impacted those folks today.

Yeah, negatively.

You made Z101's
Dr. Fart throw up.

And I don't know what you said
to Sanchez Gomez.

You can't just
scare people, Arpi.

If devastating facts
and figures made a difference,

I would be eating
a much different diet.

You need to help people understand.

It's like when you're supposed
to read Hamlet for school,

and your mom's like,
"It's okay.

It's not that complicated.
It's basically "The Lion King."

So you watch "The Lion King",
you get a D, and you graduate.

Fine. You're so smart.

Tell me how to turn this
into "Hakuna Matata."

Okay, first of all, that song
has a time jump in it.

So Timon and Pumbaa had years
to cheer up Simba.

Second of all,

you need to connect
with people emotionally.

Do you remember that dish soap
commercial with the ducks?

People need a simple way
to understand that if these

oil spills keep happening,
we become the ducks.

Ducks? That's your
professional opinion?

I do ducks.
- Those commercials worked.

I donated money
to Proctor and Gamble.

Good God, Kwapis.

My only mistake today
was bringing you with me.

You know what?
No, I'm gonna say it.

I can feel it coming out.
Here it comes.

No wonder you couldn't
get on the ballot.

It's because you needed
people's signatures,

and not even a person with
20 pens would waste ink on you.

Oh, my God.
What have you done, Jayden?

Hey, Titi Bears.

So I'm not like political
because I don't believe in war,

but I just heard
Mayor Boomer thinks

I don't do anything.
Yeah, me.

The person who demonstrated
winged eyeliner

while getting microbladed.

Well, let's show him
what your mama bear can do.

It's time for the mayor
to see how big my flock is.

Wait, why would a bear
have a flock?

A group of bears is a sleuth.

Uh, she's kind of
coming after you, sir.

So what?
She's gonna have her bear flock

post mean things about me?

"His golf game is all power,
no finesse."

I can take it.

Yeah.
I'm not scared of a teenager.

- Uh, sir.
- Oh, no.

What's going on?

It's Titi B, sir.
She's showing you, her flock.

A group of crows is a murder.
Has she never done a crossword?

Still, this is
a highly intimidating flex.

Okay, this is not safe.
My daughter's in that house.

Actually, sir,
she's in the tree.

Frowny face emoji
for Team Neil.

Caw! You're not my father.

Hashtag paid ads.

- Morning, sir.
- Not one story about the space elevator, Arpi.

I told myself
I would never be this guy,

but what is wrong
with people these days?

I did four hours
of interviews yesterday.

The only thing that got
traction was a meme of Dr. Fart

throwing up on his sidekick,
Lenny the Butt.

My own daughter
is Team Titi B.

A fact she announced on a phone
paid for by Team Neil.

Titi B. s, baby ducks clickbait,

"Five Foods That Prove
You're a Pedophile."

The world is getting
dumber and dumber, sir.

And leading the charge
is Jayden Kwapis.

Are those LEDs?

Yes. Everyone looks terrible.

So I finally wore you down,
huh, jumpsuit?

I didn't do this for you.

I did it for Jayden
and his lemon bars.

You did this? How?

Well, I made the
lemon curd months ago so--

I mean the light.

I've been riding them
about LEDs for ten years.

For starters,
he didn't call me jumpsuit.

See?

You catch more flies
with honey, Arpi.

That's why my car
has so many flies.

You can't just yell at people--

You think I don't know that?

I'm terrible at fly catching,
okay?

I wanted yesterday
to be different.

I even took an improv class
to prepare for it.

I've gathered you all here

'cause I'd like to talk
about offshore oil drilling.

Okay.
The suggestion was stapler.

I can talk policy with wonks.

I can work a bureaucracy
like nobody's business.

But...

the whole common touch thing--

you were right, Kwapis.

It is why I couldn't get enough
signatures last election.

Help me get on
the mayoral ballot

in the upcoming
special election?

Help me get on
the mayoral bal--

You just gonna sign without
hearing what I stand for?

What are you, an idiot?

Oof.

How many did you get?
- Two.

Mine and someone named
Anita Mann-Tohugginkiss.

I hear it, not a real person.

Oh, all these years,

I've been breaking down doors,
trying to get stuff done.

As a woman,
if I'm fun and laid-back,

people will think
I'm a lightweight.

So instead, I'm tough
and passionate and

unlikable.

But you are likable.

You just need to let
other people in.

You can be likable
and still kick down doors.

I mean,
look at the Kool-Aid Man.

Sure, some people get mad
that he ruined their house,

but once they see
he has Kool-Aid,

they're like, "What wall?"

My way obviously
doesn't work.

So you're in charge.

First rule is
don't talk about "Fight Club"

'cause I haven't seen it yet.

Ah.
Come here, you old fat ass.

Sorry.

Playful tone only goes so far.
How you been?

Look, buddy,
I'll make this quick.

I need you to end this beef
with Titi B.

You're kidding me.

Sebastian Felix should not
even know who Titi B. is,

let alone the status
of her various beeves.

Neil, I'm in talks to acquire
Inspire Brands

and Inspire owns Arby's.

Ever since they made Titi B.
their brand ambassador,

Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar
sales are up 1200%.

They can't kill cows, pigs,
and more cows fast enough.

What does that have
to do with me?

If you can't make nice with her,

we can't support
the Mayor's Fund.

I already announced
our space elevator.

You would choose her
over the mayor of Los Angeles?

That's amazing.

Good news is, my board
convinced Inspires board

to convince Arby's board

to convince Titi B.
to let you apologize.

What choice do I have?

She has all the power.

Boy, capitalism so unfair.

I think capitalism's working.

Huh.

Okay, man,
I'm trusting you here.

Arpi, if I know
how to do anything,

it's how to keep it
stupid simple.

Now go get the chocolate syrup.

I've got a bird to be.

Wow.
When I was 19,
I was living in a car

and heading for Canada
because of Vietnam.

Oh, my God. I love Vietnam.

I was, like, so tall there.

I am so sorry.

The--these little white dogs
are hard to see in here.

So, like, what do you want?

Well, I want to apologize.

Sorry I insulted you.

I didn't understand
what it is you do,

so I assumed you do nothing.

- Mm.
- And I was wrong.

Yeah.

'Cause I do, like, lots

And--and I--
and I get that now.

See, uh,

See, Titi, I'm--

well, I made my money
in billboards,

so we're actually a lot alike.

You and I both made a fortune
telling people what to buy.

You're like a 21st-century
billboard.

I'm almost a billionaire.

I was the first woman to pose
naked on the cover of "Forbes."

- Ah.
- So apology accepted,

and I'm sorry for leaking
those photos of you

wearing a t-shirt in the ocean.

Oh, water under the bridge, Titi.

You know, on the way over here,

it occurred to me

that you could be
a real force for good.

Ah! Go off, king.

Just imagine
what we could do together.

With your endorsement,
we get out the youth vote,

I get reelected
for another term,

and LA is coco slammin'.

Hmm.

Sorry, I must have misheard
Orly in the car today.

Uh, it could be good.

We could have a good city.

You want me to endorse you?

Okay.

How much?
- I'm sorry?

Like, I'm just spitballing
without lawyers,

but say I tweet,
"Vote Boomer Bremer."

That's probably,
like, five-hundo-K,

but if you want me
to get nail art of your face,

it's more like a mil.

You want me to buy your vote?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.

That's how everything works.

Everything I do
has a price tag.

Me and Ch33$e got
a million each

to break up
over Cricket Wireless.

So you're not...

actually interested
in doing good.

Good?

I'm doing great.

Okay.

Forget it. We're done here.

Or I keep this feud going.

I mean, the Yasmin thing
is losing steam,

and you're, like,
the perfect villain

'cause no one's ever on the side

of the old straight
white guy.

I mean,
the most clicks I ever got

is when James Corden
hairline-shamed me.

It isn't happening.

And get some brown dogs.

Have you seen this?

Yasmin Ciobanu
liked your TikTok.

Angelenos covered in oil?
Duck that.

Sign our petition
to stop offshore drilling.

Link in bio.

Hashtag quack.

End offshore oil and
spaghetti duck are trending,

but I lip-sync
the whole opening of

"Emperor's New Groove"
and only get four likes?

You did it, Kwapis.

You're like a dating coach
who makes me feel like

I have a shot
with the city of LA.

LA is the Michael B. Jordan
of cities.

An absolute ten.

You're the secret weapon
I didn't have last election.

Jayden, I'm running for mayor.

There's nothing
holding me back now.

And thanks to you,
I'm the Kool-Aid Man.

And there's no wall on earth

that can stop
this cherry water.

Oh, yeah!

And I want you to be
my campaign manager.

Yes.
Yes, a thousand times, yes.

Oh, but what about Daddy?

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!