Original subtitles

Whoo!

You OK?

Ah, I just... I just need a second.

OK.

Sorry, my Mum drives me insane and you know, you've met her.

Yeah. I have. And she's a lot, but she's alright.

Um, she's not, and this is her home ground.

So, she has home-ground advantage. OK.

Also, Lee is the creepiest fucken man

I've ever met.

But you know, whoo, thanks for doing this.

I honestly can't face them alone.

It'll be fine. Parents are my speciality.

Don't worry.

Yeah, they won't be after tonight.

Challenge accepted. I'm pumped.

I fucken hate birthdays. I know.

OK, let's go. Let's go.

Alright, just breathe. It'll be OK.

No. No, it won't.

(THEME MUSIC)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Happy birthday, my darling girl! Hi, Mum!

Oh!

Oh, this is different, isn't it? Checks! You're brave.

Just the girls. Hello.

Just the girls, yeah.

No, Lynelle just open...

What are you doing, Mum? ..yourself to me a little bit.

Can we just stand normally? That's it.

Act natural, as though you've just met.

That's it, and breathe.

Excellent.

Hello. Anyway.

Um, this is Gordon... Another one. Another one.

Just Ashley this time. Oh.

I'll just... Sorry.

..get the ISO in position.

..get the ISO in position.

The dream-like quality.

That's it, just part your lips a little bit more, Ashley.

Terrific. OK.

Anymore? No? Good, alright.

Anyway, so Gordon, this is Lee.

Hello. Lee, Gordon.

Fantastic. Oh, OK.

Hello. I!

You're taller than I remember, aren't you?

Oh, I'm wearing kitten heels.

He's like a big strong oak tree, isn't he, Lee?

Mum.

Oh, it's good to see you again, Ms Steinhart.

Just stop it. Call me Lynelle. Lynelle.

Ah, and hello, Professor.

Oh, the famous Mr Colin.

A-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff. Ruff-a-ruff-ruff-ruff.

Herro, Mr Corrin.

Welcome to our rhome. Cripples are rost relcome.

Ooh! He does tricks!

Ah, he does. Now, sit.

Oh, you can't.

Lee, stop it. You're scaring the poor thing.

Anyway, hello. I'm Gordon.

Ahh! The boyfriend.

Ah well, I mean...

What are your intentions with my daughter, young man?

Not your daughter, Lee.

No, yeah. I know.

No, yeah. I know.

Alright, everyone,

let's move into the good room, shall we?

Ah, yeah.

We've got hors d'oeuvres and bubbles.

Strap yourself in, we're going to the good room.

Shall I just...

Not too many Cheds for you, Ashley. You know, how your skin breaks out.

Fucken hell. Mm-hm.

What's this?

A voucher?

It's a five-week cleanse. It's called Me Foods.

All organic and delivered right to your door.

Fiona's daughter lost 10kg.

Can you believe that?

Not really.

Happy birthday, darling.

The thermostat's on a timer, Ashley,

so, if you're cold, I've got jumpers.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Lee. Yeah.

I'll probably be able to tell when you're cold.

So, um, Ashley says that you're a professor, Lee.

Is that right? Mm.

What do you profess?

Well, Linguistics,

Well, Linguistics,

with a special interest in Asian languages.

Though recently I have fallen in lust

with another muse.

Photography. Ahh.

The pen may be mightier than the sword,

but the camera shits on the lot.

Wow.

Oh, he's such a dear little thing, isn't he?

He's a cutie, isn't he?

He won't wee on the rugs, will he? We had them steamed last week.

No, it's fine Mum. Thank...

We need new rugs anyway, don't we, Lee?

These are revolting.

Lee.

Hang on.

Ruffy-ruff-ruff-ruff.

He's a sensual little creature, isn't he?

Sensual? Mmm.

Um...

So... Yes.

Gordon. Any medical issues in the family?

Mum, come on!

The boyfriend interrogation begins.

No, he's not my...

Well, we're not, yeah...

Oh, I just assumed, bringing him tonight...

Oh, I just assumed, bringing him tonight...

No. Well...

We...we... We're...

We're keeping it to ourselves.

Mm. For now.

Alright, suit yourselves.

Yes, retain the mystery.

The red velvet curtain.

OK.

Well, I should get back to the kitchen.

Where you belong.

(LAUGHTER)

Check on the roast. I hope you're hungry, Gordon.

Very. Love a roast. Is it lamb, or...

My specialty, gooducken. Oh.

Chicken, in duck, in goose.

Wow. Very tidy.

But first, a toast.

30 years ago,

I was going through the most intense pain

I'd ever experienced in my life,

and that includes Ashley's teenage years.

28 hours I was in labour. Wow.

28...

28 hours.

It was not 28 hours. ..of the most excruciating...

I'm sorry, darling, it was 28 hours and 49 minutes.

Oh, I think you add an hour every year.

Oh, I think you add an hour every year.

You weren't there, darling. Wasn't I?

You know, what I mean.

OK, What's your point, Mum? Come on.

Oh, they rip away the best years of your life,

but God forbid I talk about it.

Did I? Did I rip them away?

Anyway, it's... Yeah, God. It's traumatic for both, you know.

Being in labour, so hard and I can imagine, in childbirth.

You know, we've all been there.

So... Sure.

They don't call it the axe wound for nothing.

Childbirth?

The vulva.

Anyway, I just wanted to say,

happy 30th birthday, my big girl.

And to Gordon,

it's wonderful for Ashley to have a mature man for a change,

whether you're together, or keeping it to yourselves,

whatever it is.

To the happy couple.

Happy birthday, Ash.

Probably that, yeah.

Cheers.

Oh, and I'd also like to raise a little glass

if nobody minds, to a very special person

whose birthday is also today.

Oh.

My Goppa, Ashley's great-grandfather,

My Goppa, Ashley's great-grandfather,

who would have turned 111 today.

Miss you every day, Goppa.

But he wouldn't have turned 111 today

unless he was one of the oldest people on the planet.

Ashley. No, it's fine.

Like toast him, but don't say that he would have turned 111 today

like he was taken away from us too soon or something.

Like that's just not true.

Like there's no version of reality

where he would have turned 111 today.

Goppa.

No, not Goppa. No, sorry. She does this every year.

He died in his 70s, like before I was born.

There's just no way it's still sad, Mum.

This is my birthday, and I'm still here.

It's alright, Gordon. She's still young.

People of our generation understand the fragility of life.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Can I help you in the kitchen, Lynelle?

No... Oh, lovely!

Right. No, you stay there, darling.

Lee's been dying to talk to you.

Is that a pant-suit?

Aren't you thoughtful, bringing beer?

Oh, it's just a little,

you know, hand-picked selection from the microbrewery.

A bit of something for everyone.

Are you a lager girl or...

Me? Mm.

No, I'm more of a dry Chenin Blanc girl.

Oh, OK. Alright.

Well, I might actually have a zippy little scrumpy in there

that you might like.

Maybe. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Oh!

Wow. They're all my babies.

Can't choose a favourite.

But this one here, Helen, she's been with me the longest.

Likes the finer things in life, like her Mum.

Wow. That's amazing.

And are they... All of them are girls?

Always wanted a girl.

Lee and I dream of flying to Uganda

and meeting them all.

My daughters.

You should come with us!

To Uganda?

Lee and I bought a goat for the village

for Ashley's birthday.

Oh, I've heard of that.

You could buy two chickens in Ashley's name if you like.

Yeah. Or a duck.

Yeah. Or a duck.

Ducks are only $30.

Do they do geese?

We could send tonight's dinner. Package deal.

All my babies.

Well, this is nice.

I like your buttons.

My... You know.

Oh. Thank, thanks.

Mm, what colour are they? Is it fleshy?

Ah, not noticed them before. I would say that's pink.

Pink. Pinky bits.

Yeah.

How are they attached?

Cotton.

Oh, that's new. Oh.

You're only... Did you make that?

Ah, yes, I crafted that.

That is my mantra.

You know, the key to a strong relationship

like your mother's and mine, is open and honest communication.

No, secrets.

No, secrets.

That's the secret.

Definitely, yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, you just tell it all and you hide nothing.

Love that.

That's why I come across as an open book.

Because I am.

Yeah.

Hey, I think maybe enough photos for today?

No, I quite agree. OK.

Ohh.

What's this?

Observe.

This allows me to change the film

in complete darkness.

Oh, cool.

So, as not to compromise the integrity of the roll.

Takes some practice...

but the rewards are manifold.

Mm-hm.

Ooh, there it is.

Put it in there. Mm-hm.

Very good.

Is that horse reiki?

Mm... I work with rescue horses.

I feel such a kinship with them.

Wow. Do you follow the horses at all?

Horse-racing?

It should be banned. Yeah.

I mean, I...I...

Oh, that's a lovely shot.

Isn't she beautiful?

Such a gorgeous girl. I'm so incredibly proud of Ashley.

Oh, Lynelle.

Oh, Lynelle.

Not that I'd ever tell her that.

Don't want her getting a big fat head.

Did she ever tell you

what happened with James, in the end?

She never tells me anything. No.

I mean, I didn't ask, but you could ask her.

Could you encourage her to exercise more?

She won't listen to me. Oh.

She had her bum from her father's side.

It'll blow up if she's not careful.

You don't want her having a big fat wobbly bottom.

I had the most wonderful dream last night.

Oh, yes, please.

I was sitting in the room of this house.

It was a carpeted room

and I was with these two gorgeous women.

And they had flowing blonde hair

and I think one was my girlfriend.

And the other, her twin sister. Hm.

And we were just enjoying each other's company,

and it was so natural.

Suddenly, I felt the carpet was just lifting up,

just rising up.

just rising up.

It was then I realised it was a magic carpet as well,

and it just kept rising and rising,

and the girls way down below.

And I got to the roof, and the carpet was just pressing

and pressing me into the roof.

And the girls were just scratching the underside of the carpet,

and...and the pressure was building,

and building and...and then I woke up.

And I just felt so relaxed

but also sad that those women weren't real.

So, it was a wet dream, yeah?

Right, the vegies need a few more minutes,

so, it's time for the video!

No, no Mum, not the video.

Oh, come on, darling, Gordon hasn't seen it.

You're in for a treat. Ashley, give him a hand.

Oh, not in front of everyone, I hope.

Jacob Murray.

He was so much better than you.

Yeah. Yeah. Nuh, we can all see that, Mum.

Could have gone professional,

but he looks after his mother, Trish.

Early onset Parkinson's.

Oh. So, sad.

Sad.

Gay, of course.

Here it comes.

Oh! (LAUGHTER)

I know, what that face means!

Yes, because you've watched it 8,000 times, Mum!

I'm gonna feed the dog.

Oh, come on, Ashley. Lighten up!

Oh, look at her, Gordon.

Look at that chubby little pudding face!

Oh!

There'll be tears!

Ooh, vegies are ready.

Oh, I might wash my hands before dinner.

Someone was raised well. That's right.

Lee! What are you doing?

Big breaths, you're OK.

I'm not. I can't.

You are. You can.

Uh-uh. Yes...

I told you this was gonna be fucked.

I know, and I didn't believe you and now I'm getting it.

She's supposed to be my Mum. Do you think she even likes me?

She actually loves you.

I don't think she loves anyone.

Look, she is a particular lady, yes.

Do you know that I had to sit in there

with that fucking serial killer

while he described his wet dream to me?

He fucken what? Yes! I can't.

I can't. OK. OK, OK, OK.

But the good news is, alright, we've done the video,

we've done the good room, we've done the weird fucken toasts.

Yes, we have. Right?

And as fucked up as gooducken sounds.

It smells delicious. OK?

So, all that we have to do now is get drunk.

I'm driving. OK.

So, eat all the birds, and we get out of here.

So, eat all the birds, and we get out of here.

Easy.

OK. OK?

OK. OK.

Where...

It's vodka. For sweat stains.

Hit me. Yep.

Oh, no, no. Mm.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks, coach. Alright.

Let's do it. Yeah.

We've got this. We've got this!

Well, we don't, but you know, your optimism is adorable.

This is supposed to be stout, is it?

That is stout, yeah. And what's this supposed to be?

That's double IPA.

Oh, that's, very hipster.

And what's...what does IPA mean?

India Pale Ale.

And what's double about it?

Ah, it's very, very hoppy. It's quite bitter.

Yeah, it's not for everyone, but you might like it.

Well. Bottoms up.

Oh. Oh, Lee!

I was just...just testing. Sampling it.

It's the way you do it with the wine.

Not back into the glass! Honestly!

It's fine, it's OK. No, worries.

Might have some red.

Right, so neither of you are going to have the beer?

You know, Gordon made that himself. It's OK.

Well, I don't drink beer, darling. Sorry.

NO, no, no, it's totally, totally fine.

No...No, ah, yeah. Mm!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no pressure. So, you were saying, Lee?

What's that?

You were saying before about... Oh, yes. Right.

No, it's just such a wonderful social instrument, Snapchat.

Opened up a whole community of people

I would otherwise never have had access to.

Like who?

Oh, international friends.

We stay in touch.

People of all ages.

All colours.

Creeds. Mm, and it's so ephemeral, you know?

You just send your message, they read it,

and then it disappears.

It's the closest thing to actual conversation online,

It's the closest thing to actual conversation online,

without all those websites owning your words and your photos

and taking them out of context.

But you do know that when you get a Snapchat,

you can record it.

No, no, no. No, they're gone after ten seconds.

Yeah, but you can screenshot them.

What's that?

You can screenshot them, and then they can be circulated.

Well, I...Ah, well...

Ah, there...there you go.

Oh, I've had enough of this chatsnap rubbish.

A toast.

Mum, enough with the toasts. My gosh.

I thought it might be nice

to spare a thought for dear Alejandro.

Mum, what are you doing?

Might just pop to the loo for a widdle.

What? It's eight years today.

Have I said the wrong thing?

Why would you? Sorry, I...I'm not um...

I'm sorry, Gordon, I thought you knew about Alejandro.

I'm sorry, Gordon, I thought you knew about Alejandro.

No, I...Should I?

No. No. No, it's not, um...

A boy who died at Ashley's birthday party.

Drowned.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Ash.

He's not a boy.

It was a group tour thing in Barcelona

and um...

Oh!

Why the fuck would you bring this up?

Well, today is the day he passed away.

I thought we should commemorate him. You die twice, you know.

Once in the physical sense,

and once again when people stop saying your name.

Well, I won't. Alejandro.

Yeah, I'm sure that he has plenty of family and friends

that say his name.

I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to upset you.

I was just thinking about him. I'm an empath.

I feel things very deeply.

Oh, do you? Do you, Mum?

Do you feel that there's anything wrong

with your fucken boyfriend?

Ashley!

Oh, I'm sorry, do you not want to talk about that?

He is so inappropriate.

He is so inappropriate.

Oh, he's joking. Now, you listen to me.

Lee is very good to me,

and after what I put up with from your father,

I deserve that. After what you put up with?

He finally realised that you're batshit crazy,

and he left you.

That's enough. No, it's not.

And you have been poking me all night.

The constant digs, the obsession with my weight.

I mean, look at the food portion I got given.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

You can help yourself if you must have more.

And then to bring up Alejandro?

Why did you do that?

Why?

I mean, you're supposed to be my Mum,

and you know, you're supposed to just love me.

I do love you!

And that's how you show it?

Just humiliating me in front of my boyfriend?

It's so fucked up!

Oh, no, quick, quick, he's doing a wee.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Is that on the Monterey Oak?

Oh, fuck off, Lee, ya creep!

I think she might be a bit overwhelmed.

It's OK. OK.

It's OK. It's OK, Colly.

It's OK. It's OK, Colly.

Sorry about that. You alright?

He's...he's OK.

No, I'm so sorry.

I have to leave. I'm gonna sit in the car.

Ashley, sit back down. You're ruining everything.

No. No. I'm out.

Come on, Colly, we're going.

Well...

Well, I'm not letting this get cold.

Three birds in one.

Lucky me.

Hope you can handle that temper, Gordon.

I never could. Comes from her father.

Imagine living in a house with the two of them.

Don't know, how I did it.

Hey, should... I should probably...

Oh, no, don't be silly. No!

Oh, no, she'll be back in a few minutes.

She always does this on her birthday.

It's a vicious circle, you know?

I told her,

you keep scowling your way through life,

you're going to look like an angrily little Miss permanently.

Her face is going that way.

Noticed that. Dreadful.

Why did you bring up that boy, Lynelle?

It happened on her birthday.

I thought it might be nice to have a little toast to him.

Did you?

I'm sorry, but I do feel things,

and I think that life is too short not to say what's in your heart.

Except for what you said to me about being proud of Ashley.

You said you didn't want to say that.

Oh, she knows I'm proud of her!

She got into medicine. Of course, I'm proud of her...

Lynelle, I completely... I completely understand

showing me the embarrassing home videos

and making jokes about how hard labour was

and you know, I get all that, completely.

But you don't... you never balance it out.

At all.

I mean, apart from what you said privately to me in the kitchen,

I haven't heard a single positive thing about Ashley,

or to Ashley, the entire night.

Do you realise that?

Well, you're very sweet for caring.

But I'm her mother, and no matter how upset she gets,

But I'm her mother, and no matter how upset she gets,

she knows I love her.

I don't think she does.

Well, I think I might know her better.

Yeah, look, I...I don't know

what the story is with the Spanish boy.

Argentinian. Those very festive people.

They were in Barcelona, in a nightclub.

Yeah, I don't need to know the story.

That's not important, what's important is

it's clearly upsetting for Ash to talk about.

But as an empath, I'm sure you know that.

I liked her last fella better. Did you?

Hey, why don't you catch up with him on Snapchat?

I'm really sorry about tonight.

I...I struggled with it,

as a veteran people pleaser, but yeah, that's... so, sorry.

Yeah, that's OK.

I'm sure we can give all of this

to the homeless people at the soup kitchen.

Yeah. That's... Yeah.

He had a ratty face.

Thank you, darling.

We were all going out for my 22nd birthday.

We went out to this Eurotrash nightclub

We went out to this Eurotrash nightclub

with a pool on the roof,

and um, I was...

I got drunk, but I was supposed to be in charge.

And Alejandro, he...

he was just the sweetest guy,

but he was on pills or something,

and he was in the water...

and I looked over and I could see

that he was...he was pretty wasted, but he was...he was OK.

And then when I looked back, he was just not there.

He'd gone under the water, but I think nobody saw it.

And by the time I went over there he was unconscious and...

and we pulled him out of the water,

but nobody knew CPR and everyone's staring at me.

You know, I'm the one in charge.

I'm the one who's supposed to know CPR,

but I...I just didn't.

I'd done some, like, bullshit training

ages ago that I barely paid attention to,

and I'm...

I'm like pumping away at his chest

and I'm trying to remember what to do.

But it just wasn't working and...

And so he died.

Ash, you were a kid.

I know, but it should not have happened.

You were 22. Yeah.

It was an accident.

It fucked me up so badly for such a long time.

Ash, I'm so sorry.

You know, I don't think I've ever told that story before,

to someone I'm seeing.

Someone you're seeing? Yeah.

Someone you're seeing? Yeah.

In there you said I was your boyfriend.

What the fuck.

Did I say that? Yes, you did.

Well, you know,

that might have been for dramatic effect.

Well, you're right. I mean, I'm not your boyfriend.

No? No.

I'm more of a manfriend.

Manfriend's great. I've never had a manfriend.

You got one now.

I mean, it sounds a little sinister.

Yeah, I can be a little sinister.

That's true.

But I can also listen to anything that you wanna tell me.

Like anything.

Thank you.

So, tonight really sucked.

Like exactly how I said it would.

I will never doubt you again. Yeah, don't.

But um, seeing as you were so good tonight...

Do you want to be my manfriend at um,

Do you want to be my manfriend at um,

my birthday drinks this weekend?

Wow. So, I passed the audition?

You've passed the first round.

Oh, OK. There is so...

And that's the easy round. Oh, really?

Yeah, my friends are fucking animals.

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