Original subtitles

Come on, then, greedy guts.

You're just like me, and that scares me. Yeah, me too.

Mum's being weird. Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.

I'm sorry, Dan. I'm sorry that you haven't realised

that this is actually my brother's memorial.

When you used to hang out with him, you made me so uncomfortable.

What happened? Did you end it?

No, I actually...

Oh, God, what have I done to you?

OLLIE: Come on, then, greedy guts.

You've not been very good, have you?

Let's get rid of you, then.

We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.

Such a greedy guts, that cat.

Agh, God! Bollocks!

Bollocks.

Seabird by Alessi Brothers

# There's a road I know I must go... #

# Even though I tell myself

# That road is closed... #

Dan?

Dan! Please, can you help me out today?

Oh, my God, yes.

Wahey! Wahey! Wanker!

Oh, God!

Get in. Sorry. Hello. You look fit. Thank you.

Thanks, mate. I know! Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.

It's really purple, isn't it?

It is purple. It's a bit purple.

Nic's been cooking all morning,

but she's also been drinking all morning.

Not all morning! God! Hello! All right, honey?

Oh, my gosh. How are you? Yes, I'm good. Look at you!

You look gorgeous! Oh, you look gorgeous!

Thank you. This place!

Can you feel that? Can you feel it? What, the underfloor heating?

Can you feel the underfloor heating? I can't, I've got a new coat!

Oh, this looks incredible! You've really got an eye.

Oh, God, I don't. You do! No, I don't. I couldn't do this.

Oh, God. God's sake. Don't, you'll break the champagne!

Oh, it is champagne!

Is that a regift?

No, I nicked it from work.

You've got to see the conservatory. Yes! We have a conservatory.

Oh, yeah, come have a look. I'm really showing off.

If I annoy you or be a bit of a sort of smug twat,

just tell me to fuck off. No, you won't. Stop it!

I think they've got a conservatory, babe. Oh, my goodness!

Come on, then, shall I show you through? Wow. OK. Sure.

You're going to absolutely love it. Ooh!

Oh, wow! It's all right, innit?

Oh, my goodness!

You all right?

Yeah, you? Yeah, good.

How...How was LA? Was it brilliant?

Is that small talk, Nic?

No, I'm not small-talking you. I'm actually fascinated.

That's small talk. No, small talk is, "How was the weather there?

"Is it hot? What time of year did you go?"

That's small talk.

What?

You look good.

Did you get your hair done for today? No.

God, you're so arrogant!

You are unbelievably arrogant.

Is that a new top?

Yes.

You look really fucking good. Shut up.

Like a sexy matador. How was it?

Why aren't you telling me how...how it was?

Yeah, I just chilled at the hotel. Suzie met famous people.

Oh, my God, lovely.

Nic?

Nic?

Do you remember when we fucked here?

Don't. Why are you doing that?

Nic?

Yes, love? You'll never guess who I saw the other week.

Who?

Dull Claire. Oh, my God!

Oh, I mean, guess what she's doing now?

I have no idea.

She's a financial dominatrix.

What on earth is that?

It's basically where men get off on giving women money,

and then they spunk it on, like, Chanel bags and shit.

What? Oh, my God, what is that even about?

And she doesn't even have to sleep with them or anything.

How did she get into that? Cos I need to get into it!

I know! What are you talking about?

That's basically us. She looks like a bloody thumb, remember?

She does look like a thumb.

I tell you what I've got. You'll love this.

Oh, my gosh,

you need... You seen this?

Fucking purple.

So when Big Brother moved from Elstree... Mm-hm.

..they just shoved all this stuff in the warehouse

and they did an auction.

I picked this up for about 140 quid from the Big Brother house.

That one was about 260 quid. It's nice, innit?

Yeah, have a coffee in the morning.

But Brian Belo probably sat in that chair.

What was it, Nadia from Big Brother 5, who I loved?

Oh, God!

I've completely ruined this gravy.

Uh, Alex, do you think I've ruined this gravy?

Can you just look at it?

Yeah. This is bugging the hell out of me.

I think I completely have.

I got you, boo. Damn, girl!

Right, so what are you doing? Talk me through it.

A bit of cornflour, if it's lying around.

So gorgeous! Yeah, it's nice, innit?

Oh, um, where's Ollie?

Oh! Ollie!

Your auntie and uncle are down here, and you're being very rude.

Ollie, can you come down? Auntie Suze and Uncle Alex are here.

Bit busy filming. I think they've got you a present.

Oh, OK, yeah. Oh, now you're coming down.

What crap present have I got to be grateful for this time?

Like a bloody greyhound now.

"Oh, thank you, Uncle Alex!" All right, all right, all right.

Come on, then.

- Hey! - Hey!

You all right? Yeah. Did you have a good birthday?

- Yeah, it was great, thanks. - Sorry we missed it.

That's all right. Eight years old!

Oh! Thank you! This is for you.

Whoa.

Oh! Ooh! But...

Sorry, what is it? Oh, it's a bit small for him, innit?

It's for the cat! Oh, yes!

Oh. Wow, that's just... Like, I'm buzz... That's just...

Do you like it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's the best.

So he can be Godzilla!

Yeah. Is that it?

Is... Is that it?

Yes. Yeah, is that all right?

Oh, that's... That's enough. Nice.

Wow.

Well, I'm going to go play in the shed. Yeah. All right?

Yeah. Oh, Ollie, you've dropped your... Mum!

Mum!

I thought you said you were going to ask for cash.

I did ask them for cash. I'm sorry, they just got you that.

And there is no way he's getting in that, right?

Well, can you try and put it on him? It's a stegosaurus!

It's not even...

Just put it on the cat and bring it in. I don't think he likes it.

Mum, please! I'll give you 20 quid. Deal.

He loves it. Uh-huh.

Oh, thank you. Are you sure? Oh, really does.

Yeah. He does. He loves it. Oh, my gosh! His face was saying...

We should've given him the money.

Drinks! You sort the table, I'll get the drinks.

Dinner is imminent. "Imminent"?

Imminent. That's right. I said it right.

Uh, can I have a glass of champs, please?

Do you want a glass of champs, Suze?

Water.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I've got to drive in the morning

and I've got a meeting tomorrow afternoon.

Is sparkling all right, then, Suze?

Yeah, sparkling is great. It's never stopped you before.

That's mad. Are you on antibiotics?

You can drink on those.

If you get the balance right,

it gives you quite like a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn't it?

Uh-huh. Where's Suzie gone?

Are you an android? Like a Black Mirror episode.

You're the waiter, you should be doing this.

Some wine, please. Cos you've got work tomorrow?!

Yeah, I've got a meeting I need to be fresh for!

Do you go round the table with a pepper grinder, like that?

No, cos I'm not a waiter, I'm a manager. Where's Suze gone?

I have been for eight years. I just want to be fresh tomorrow.

Where's my Suzie gone? This is so weird!

What is the minimum wage? I don't know.

Why don't you ask anyone that works for you.

Oh!

That is... That's quite good.

Yeah, cos you asked me that, I had that in my pocket.

No, she's not drinking. Huh?

She's not drinking. Don't you think that's mad?

What, is she pregnant? No! Are you pregnant?

No! You're not pregnant? No?

No. Definitely not?

No, I'm not.

But...

Um... What are you doing? Well, we... Ah-bu-bu!

You know, because everyone's here, so we... What are you doing?

It's not a big deal. It's not the time.

We... Suzie, don't. Stop it. Oh, boy.

We are

trying for a baby.

Oh, my God!

That's absolutely brilliant.

Yeah! My God. Mate, that's amazing news!

Aw, God! Sorry. Hey...

Do you know what, I've just...

Oh, God, my nail... Clipped it on something.

Oh, my... You all right, babe?

I'll go check.

Are you sure you want to have his kid? Is it OK that I said?

Yeah, it'll have to be, won't it? Suze?

Mm-hm? Are you sure?

It's good. Yeah, I'm excited.

Look, I'm sorry.

Get away from me now.

We've been having tons of sex.

We've been shagging like rabbits, haven't we?

In fact, the other day, we did it in the toilet at Costa.

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, you know, when we have to do it...

..we have to do it.

Oi!

You know I've got an ear infection, you dick!

Yes!

You threw that like Mr Burns then.

What a weird thing to say.

That was delicious.

Oh, God, no, I totally overdid the beef.

Bloody Blumen Hestonthal said half an hour per kilo,

which is just utter lies. Heston Blumenthal.

Heston Blumenthal, whatever is. Yes, it was a bit tough.

It was like you needed a chainsaw to cut through.

Well, you cook next time. I was joking!

No, you weren't.

Right, give me that.

Oh, God. No, please, don't. I'll sort the dishwasher out.

You OK? Yeah, you? Mm-hm.

Alex, have you seen the results today? Oh, no, come on...

What? I'll help. No, no. Honestly?

So, anyway, the other day, you'll never believe this...

Get a load of this.

Fucking hell! I know. Who's that?

Met her on Tinder. She works at the village shop.

Kelly. How old is she?

25. 20-fucking-five!

She wants my dick, basically.

And I don't know whether to give it to her or not.

I mean, her like that,

I'd say there with make-up on, all, like, dressed up,

she's like... Nine. Nine and a half, mate.

But like, without make-up, she's still a good eight, solid eight.

Oh, she went to, um...

Oh, my God, Katie!

Who was it that she, um...

The tutor. Yeah. God, he was a real...

He always used to give her, like, top marks.

Cheating bastard! I know.

I mean, this is like the stuff of fantasy.

I mean, your fantasies. This is my reality.

This is what I've got to live with, mate. This is what happens.

If you're me, this is what you have to deal with. Right.

Ah, well, I guess you'll just have to live vicariously through me, eh?

Mm. Look!

Babe? Um...

I think I'm feeling a bit jet-lagged. Oh, shit. You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just...

I think maybe I should have a lie-down or something,

close my eyes for a second. You can use our room if you want.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Is that all right? Yeah.

Do you want to lie down? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a lie-down. Is that OK?

Yeah, that's fine. I've got... I've run out of paracetamol,

but I'll go to the shop and get some more. Yeah?

Thank you.

OK, cool.

Is that all right?

Oh, my God, yeah, of cour... Is that OK? Yeah, go lie down. OK.

Oh, I hope you feel better soon. Yeah, yeah, I will.

Are you going to come with me? Oh, yeah.

Mm-hm. Yep, yep, yep, yep. OK?

Oh! Hi, guys, I'm sorry. This is really, really embarrassing.

Ollie's next door, and if I can hear everything downstairs,

he's going to be able to hear. Yep. I'm sorry.

So do you mind not?

Can you go talk to her?

Nic...

Are you OK?

Come on, talk to me.

It's OK, you can talk to me. Come in here.

Will you talk to me? Get off!

Stop it! Nic, I'm sorry. Talk to me.

You were upstairs having sex with her! Just...

Oh, God.

Just so angry at you.

I know. I'm sorry.

I don't want babies.

Unless it's with you.

I don't want Suzie. I want you.

It's always been you.

I love you.

Do you know what I fantasise about the most?

I don't know. Just doing a Sunday big shop with you.

That's... That's insane.

I love you.

But we just have to get through today, OK? OK.

Then we'll come up with a plan. Mm-hm.

OK? Just today. I just want to be with you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Is the cat watching?

Yeah!

He's in his dinosaur... Fucking hell.

Promise?

Mate, um...

We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.

Such a greedy guts, that cat!

Right.

You all right, mate?

Yeah. Do you want a beer?

Go on, then, greedy guts.

You've not been very good, have you?

Let's get rid of you, then.

Mum, you're a really good cook.

Why can't you cook like this all the time?

I'm actually in shock. That was so good.

The pancakes were almost as good as McDonald's.

Right, Harry, do you want to go do your teeth?

OK.

Ollie?

Yeah?

Am I a bad mum?

No!

Don't be s... No. You're...

You know, you...

You're a great mum. Really?

Think of all the stuff you let me do.

Remember that time when you let me slide down the stairs

on a baking tray? Your head battered the door.

I did, but it was funny.

And the time when I put firecrackers

in the pizza oven in the back garden.

OK, that's enough, I think.

Or the time when you stuck a GoPro to my head

and forced me into the badger sett.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Do you want a lift? Do I want a lift?

Now she's offering!

What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! A man will actually look for a golf ball!

We've got kids in the back! Right, they hear everything.

No, Ollie, it's actually pronounced the cli-taurus

the Mitsubishi Clitaurus.

Is it anything like the Outlander?

It's much smaller than the Outlander.

No, this'll be here... This is fine here.

Do you know what? It's a bit chilly so, what I'll do,

I'll get you right round to the entrance.

No, just here will be fine. No, it's fine!

Oh! Oh, for God's sake!

No, it's absolutely... I'm sorry. For God's sake!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You big oaf! What did you do that for?

I've got it here. I've got it. It's fine.

It's fine. There we go. Sometimes I could kill her!

Need a hand?

No, no, no, no, no. You sure? It's fine.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Are you all right?

Oh, Ollie, are you all right? I'm all right.

Hi! Thanks for the help.

Oh, no, you're very welcome.

God! Let me help. You've made me all stressed out.

I know, I know. You're all fingers and thumbs, aren't you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, I can't do this. All right, you're going to be all right.

No, I can't do this. You can. I can't!

You'll be fine. You've got to come in with me. I-I c...

You have to! Dan'll have a fit if I go...

I'm going to have a panic attack! All right, OK. OK, OK. Just breathe.

You just need to breathe. I really need a wee, I'm... OK.

Right, we'll go in. Are you going to be OK?

I'll see you in there. Yeah, I'll see.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

I love you, you knob.

OK, OK, you're going to be OK.

You're going to be OK.

OK.

And then Dan met Nic and I thought,

"Holy shit, he's done it, he's found the one.

"He's found a unicorn."

Suze.

Why were you there that night?

I've...

I've told you. No, you never did tell me why you were there.

Yeah, I have. Nic...

..why?

Was it me?

Was it because I was working so much?

Oh, God, no.

I miss you.

I really miss you.

But I really, really,

really fucking hate you.

Alex?

Get this! Nic, Nic, Nic!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for coming. How did you know Alex?

W-Who's Alex?

For fuck's sake.

I cut up a quiche.

Fuck off, fuckwad.

So, Dan tells me he's desperately unhappy in his marriage.

Hello, everyone. Hi. Um...

Guys, if you're at the back and want to sit down, take a seat,

or feel free to stand. That's absolutely fine. Thanks.

Hi, everyone. Um...

Just want to start by thanking you all, really.

Warm welcome to the professional mourners from the temp agency.

Great job. Um...

I hope you're all enjoying the crisps.

Um... Apologies for Nic's potato salad.

And please don't feel obliged to eat it. It's horrible.

In fact, Mum, can you just get rid of it? Can you bin it?

Potato salad.

Look, there's two. Get them out.

I always used to play this prank on Alex when we were kids,

where I'd put loads of balloons up and down the stairs,

and then I'd tell him, "It's your birthday!"

And he'd get all excited and he'd be,

"It's my birthday, it's my birthday!"

And then he'd just run down the stairs and burst in

full of excitement into the living room,

and he'd just find Mum sat there watching a clothes show...

And, um...

..I just...

I just want to say sorry.

I'm sorry. I just, um...

I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't...

I didn't...

Sorry for that.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

Um...

Alex really was so...

..loved.

By everyone.

Um...

Nic.

Why don't you come up here and share something?

Come on, Nic.

I'm sure you've got something to say about Alex.

Just...

Oh, my God.

Um...

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Um...

We're all here today to...

Um...

We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.

Such a greedy guts, that cat.

Um...

Go on, then, greedy guts.

You've not been very good, have you?

Let's get rid of you, then.

Um...

Sorry we're late. Sorry.

You've got something that belongs to us.

Um...

Um...

Sorry. Um...

What's wrong? What happened?

What do you mean? How long has it been?

You don't still see him, do you?

You need to let these things out. You'll go mad.

I've got an ear infection, you dick!

Come on, Nic, get to the juicy bits!

Nic! Nic! Nic!

Nic! Nic! Nic!

Yeah, so, um...

..the last, um...time I saw Alex...

Ah...

And, um...

Oh!

Oi, see that!

You threw that like Mr Burns then!

There's a pound. What?

I'm going to get you a pound for Christmas. What are you doing?

No, don't do that. You'll get run over. No!

Get off it. Help.

Help yourself, you fat fuck!

Dodgy breath. I love you, you knob.

Come back to mine, we'll get a bath together.

What?

Train's here.

Alex?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

"Ghosting me?

"Being a fuckboy?

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

It was a j... It was a joke.

Oh, Nic...

What? What?

Look, I got, like, no sleep last night

and I just wanted to say that maybe it's a good time

for us to come clean about it,

because now, you know, now Ollie knows.

Did you think about Ollie once in the last seven years?

Yeah, of course I have. Of course I have.

No, I just wanted to, um, say,

"Ollie, it's because we're in love with each other, and..."

I can't fucking do this.

I mean, do you think there's something special about you, Nic?

Do you?

I mean, fucking come on.

It's never been about you.

It's always been about my brother.

I can't stand Dan.

And I can't stress that enough.

It has never, ever once been about you.

And me and Suzie,

we're going to have a kid,

and I'm not going to let this fuck with that.

And do you know what? I'm going to be a better fucking parent than you,

because it's not hard, is it?

No, Alex, I know you're doing this... Nic...

..because you're trying to push me away. Nic...

And I know that you love me. Listen, get your hands off me.

Go home to your fucking family.

OK? Pfft.

Do you know what? The sex was fine...

..but I think you should lose some weight.

Open the door. Fuck.

Open the fucking door!

Open the fucking door!

Fucking kill you! Open the...

Open the fucking door!

Open the fucking...

Stop the train!

Fucking! No!

Stop the train!

Nic!

Pull the cord!

Pull it now, you stupid bitch!

Um...

# I'm sorry

# So sorry

# Please accept my apology

# But love was blind

# And I was too blind to see

# Sorry. #

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