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1
00:00:05,207 --> 00:00:07,247
Come on, then, greedy guts.
2
00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:09,421
You're just like me,
and that scares me. Yeah, me too.
3
00:00:09,415 --> 00:00:11,695
Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
4
00:00:11,699 --> 00:00:13,819
I'm sorry, Dan. I'm sorry that you
haven't realised
5
00:00:13,823 --> 00:00:15,793
that this is actually
my brother's memorial.
6
00:00:15,787 --> 00:00:18,707
When you used to hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.
7
00:00:18,713 --> 00:00:20,483
What happened? Did you end it?
8
00:00:20,476 --> 00:00:22,236
No, I actually...
9
00:00:40,714 --> 00:00:43,644
Oh, God,
what have I done to you?
10
00:00:45,283 --> 00:00:48,133
OLLIE: Come on, then, greedy guts.
11
00:00:48,129 --> 00:00:50,329
You've not been very good, have you?
12
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:53,143
Let's get rid of you, then.
13
00:00:58,628 --> 00:01:02,118
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
14
00:01:02,115 --> 00:01:03,955
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
15
00:01:06,003 --> 00:01:07,933
Agh, God! Bollocks!
16
00:01:10,772 --> 00:01:12,132
Bollocks.
17
00:01:16,583 --> 00:01:18,633
Seabird
by Alessi Brothers
18
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:24,360
# There's a road I know
I must go... #
19
00:01:26,762 --> 00:01:30,572
# Even though I tell myself
20
00:01:30,569 --> 00:01:32,329
# That road is closed... #
21
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,034
Dan?
22
00:01:40,027 --> 00:01:42,427
Dan! Please, can you
help me out today?
23
00:01:42,432 --> 00:01:43,922
Oh, my God, yes.
24
00:01:47,882 --> 00:01:49,372
Wahey! Wahey! Wanker!
25
00:01:49,365 --> 00:01:51,405
Oh, God!
26
00:01:51,409 --> 00:01:53,929
Get in. Sorry. Hello.
You look fit. Thank you.
27
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,944
Thanks, mate. I know!
Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.
28
00:01:56,939 --> 00:01:58,579
It's really purple, isn't it?
29
00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:00,153
It is purple. It's a bit purple.
30
00:02:00,146 --> 00:02:01,586
Nic's been cooking all morning,
31
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,308
but she's also been
drinking all morning.
32
00:02:03,312 --> 00:02:05,362
Not all morning! God! Hello!
All right, honey?
33
00:02:05,356 --> 00:02:08,316
Oh, my gosh. How are you?
Yes, I'm good. Look at you!
34
00:02:08,321 --> 00:02:10,851
You look gorgeous!
Oh, you look gorgeous!
35
00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:13,526
Thank you. This place!
36
00:02:13,531 --> 00:02:16,221
Can you feel that? Can you feel it?
What, the underfloor heating?
37
00:02:16,216 --> 00:02:18,936
Can you feel the underfloor heating?
I can't, I've got a new coat!
38
00:02:18,941 --> 00:02:21,111
Oh, this looks incredible!
You've really got an eye.
39
00:02:21,105 --> 00:02:23,585
Oh, God, I don't. You do!
No, I don't. I couldn't do this.
40
00:02:23,590 --> 00:02:26,000
Oh, God. God's sake. Don't,
you'll break the champagne!
41
00:02:25,995 --> 00:02:27,875
Oh, it is champagne!
42
00:02:27,878 --> 00:02:28,998
Is that a regift?
43
00:02:29,001 --> 00:02:30,161
No, I nicked it from work.
44
00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:32,813
You've got to see the conservatory.
Yes! We have a conservatory.
45
00:02:32,808 --> 00:02:34,928
Oh, yeah, come have a look.
I'm really showing off.
46
00:02:34,932 --> 00:02:36,782
If I annoy you or be a bit of a sort
of smug twat,
47
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:38,735
just tell me to fuck off.
No, you won't. Stop it!
48
00:02:38,739 --> 00:02:41,139
I think they've got a conservatory,
babe. Oh, my goodness!
49
00:02:41,144 --> 00:02:43,434
Come on, then, shall I show
you through? Wow. OK. Sure.
50
00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:45,868
You're going to
absolutely love it. Ooh!
51
00:02:45,873 --> 00:02:48,123
Oh, wow! It's all right, innit?
52
00:02:48,117 --> 00:02:50,637
Oh, my goodness!
53
00:02:50,642 --> 00:02:52,572
You all right?
54
00:02:52,565 --> 00:02:54,005
Yeah, you? Yeah, good.
55
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,288
How...How was LA? Was it brilliant?
56
00:02:56,292 --> 00:02:57,502
Is that small talk, Nic?
57
00:02:57,495 --> 00:02:59,895
No, I'm not small-talking you.
I'm actually fascinated.
58
00:02:59,899 --> 00:03:02,949
That's small talk. No, small talk
is, "How was the weather there?
59
00:03:02,945 --> 00:03:04,945
"Is it hot? What time
of year did you go?"
60
00:03:04,949 --> 00:03:06,229
That's small talk.
61
00:03:07,514 --> 00:03:08,844
What?
62
00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:11,078
You look good.
63
00:03:13,084 --> 00:03:15,014
Did you get your hair
done for today? No.
64
00:03:15,008 --> 00:03:17,008
God, you're so arrogant!
65
00:03:17,012 --> 00:03:18,422
You are unbelievably arrogant.
66
00:03:19,737 --> 00:03:21,177
Is that a new top?
67
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:22,540
Yes.
68
00:03:22,542 --> 00:03:24,792
You look really fucking good.
Shut up.
69
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:26,747
Like a sexy matador.
How was it?
70
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,630
Why aren't you telling me
how...how it was?
71
00:03:28,634 --> 00:03:31,164
Yeah, I just chilled at the hotel.
Suzie met famous people.
72
00:03:31,159 --> 00:03:32,719
Oh, my God, lovely.
73
00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:34,122
Nic?
74
00:03:34,124 --> 00:03:36,134
Nic?
75
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,808
Do you remember when we fucked here?
76
00:03:38,813 --> 00:03:40,303
Don't. Why are you doing that?
77
00:03:40,296 --> 00:03:41,456
Nic?
78
00:03:41,458 --> 00:03:44,138
Yes, love? You'll never guess
who I saw the other week.
79
00:03:44,144 --> 00:03:45,554
Who?
80
00:03:45,546 --> 00:03:47,746
Dull Claire. Oh, my God!
81
00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:49,920
Oh, I mean, guess
what she's doing now?
82
00:03:49,915 --> 00:03:51,795
I have no idea.
83
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,478
She's a financial dominatrix.
84
00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:55,973
What on earth is that?
85
00:03:55,966 --> 00:03:58,446
It's basically where men
get off on giving women money,
86
00:03:58,451 --> 00:04:01,581
and then they spunk it on,
like, Chanel bags and shit.
87
00:04:01,577 --> 00:04:03,497
What? Oh, my God,
what is that even about?
88
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,910
And she doesn't even have to
sleep with them or anything.
89
00:04:05,905 --> 00:04:08,025
How did she get into that?
Cos I need to get into it!
90
00:04:08,029 --> 00:04:09,789
I know! What are you talking about?
91
00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:12,602
That's basically us. She looks
like a bloody thumb, remember?
92
00:04:12,598 --> 00:04:14,518
She does look like a thumb.
93
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,771
I tell you what I've got.
You'll love this.
94
00:04:18,088 --> 00:04:20,248
Oh, my gosh,
95
00:04:20,252 --> 00:04:22,982
you need... You seen this?
96
00:04:22,977 --> 00:04:24,617
Fucking purple.
97
00:04:24,621 --> 00:04:26,751
So when Big Brother moved
from Elstree... Mm-hm.
98
00:04:26,745 --> 00:04:29,385
..they just shoved all
this stuff in the warehouse
99
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:31,150
and they did an auction.
100
00:04:31,153 --> 00:04:35,163
I picked this up for about 140
quid from the Big Brother house.
101
00:04:35,161 --> 00:04:37,041
That one was about 260 quid.
It's nice, innit?
102
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:38,614
Yeah, have a coffee in the morning.
103
00:04:38,607 --> 00:04:40,727
But Brian Belo probably
sat in that chair.
104
00:04:42,775 --> 00:04:45,135
What was it, Nadia from
Big Brother 5, who I loved?
105
00:04:47,384 --> 00:04:49,034
Oh, God!
106
00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:51,987
I've completely ruined this gravy.
107
00:04:51,993 --> 00:04:54,963
Uh, Alex, do you think
I've ruined this gravy?
108
00:04:54,958 --> 00:04:56,478
Can you just look at it?
109
00:04:56,481 --> 00:04:58,611
Yeah. This is bugging
the hell out of me.
110
00:04:58,605 --> 00:05:00,565
I think I completely have.
111
00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:02,769
I got you, boo. Damn, girl!
112
00:05:02,773 --> 00:05:05,223
Right, so what are you doing?
Talk me through it.
113
00:05:05,218 --> 00:05:07,138
A bit of cornflour,
if it's lying around.
114
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,528
So gorgeous!
Yeah, it's nice, innit?
115
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:26,143
Oh, um, where's Ollie?
116
00:05:26,138 --> 00:05:28,178
Oh! Ollie!
117
00:05:28,182 --> 00:05:32,912
Your auntie and uncle are down
here, and you're being very rude.
118
00:05:32,911 --> 00:05:35,961
Ollie, can you come down?
Auntie Suze and Uncle Alex are here.
119
00:05:35,956 --> 00:05:38,836
Bit busy filming.
I think they've got you a present.
120
00:05:38,842 --> 00:05:40,532
Oh, OK, yeah.
Oh, now you're coming down.
121
00:05:40,525 --> 00:05:42,845
What crap present have I got
to be grateful for this time?
122
00:05:42,849 --> 00:05:44,049
Like a bloody greyhound now.
123
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,542
"Oh, thank you, Uncle Alex!"
All right, all right, all right.
124
00:05:46,536 --> 00:05:48,256
Come on, then.
125
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,140
- Hey!
- Hey!
126
00:05:50,143 --> 00:05:52,233
You all right? Yeah.
Did you have a good birthday?
127
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,907
- Yeah, it was great, thanks.
- Sorry we missed it.
128
00:05:54,912 --> 00:05:56,842
That's all right. Eight years old!
129
00:05:56,836 --> 00:05:58,516
Oh! Thank you! This is for you.
130
00:06:01,765 --> 00:06:03,365
Whoa.
131
00:06:03,369 --> 00:06:05,209
Oh! Ooh! But...
132
00:06:05,212 --> 00:06:08,022
Sorry, what is it?
Oh, it's a bit small for him, innit?
133
00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,217
It's for the cat! Oh, yes!
134
00:06:10,222 --> 00:06:13,432
Oh. Wow, that's just...
Like, I'm buzz... That's just...
135
00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:14,828
Do you like it?
136
00:06:14,830 --> 00:06:17,120
Yeah. Yeah, it's the best.
137
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,995
So he can be Godzilla!
138
00:06:18,998 --> 00:06:20,678
Yeah. Is that it?
139
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,771
Is... Is that it?
140
00:06:22,765 --> 00:06:24,885
Yes. Yeah, is that all right?
141
00:06:24,889 --> 00:06:26,929
Oh, that's... That's enough. Nice.
142
00:06:26,933 --> 00:06:28,623
Wow.
143
00:06:28,617 --> 00:06:31,497
Well, I'm going to go play
in the shed. Yeah. All right?
144
00:06:31,502 --> 00:06:34,592
Yeah. Oh, Ollie, you've
dropped your... Mum!
145
00:06:34,588 --> 00:06:36,108
Mum!
146
00:06:36,111 --> 00:06:38,081
I thought you said you
were going to ask for cash.
147
00:06:38,075 --> 00:06:40,435
I did ask them for cash.
I'm sorry, they just got you that.
148
00:06:40,439 --> 00:06:42,359
And there is no way he's getting in
that, right?
149
00:06:42,363 --> 00:06:44,773
Well, can you try and put it on him?
It's a stegosaurus!
150
00:06:44,767 --> 00:06:46,647
It's not even...
151
00:06:46,651 --> 00:06:49,261
Just put it on the cat and bring
it in. I don't think he likes it.
152
00:06:49,256 --> 00:06:51,776
Mum, please! I'll give
you 20 quid. Deal.
153
00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,421
He loves it. Uh-huh.
154
00:06:53,424 --> 00:06:56,194
Oh, thank you. Are you sure?
Oh, really does.
155
00:06:56,189 --> 00:06:58,709
Yeah. He does. He loves it.
Oh, my gosh! His face was saying...
156
00:06:58,714 --> 00:07:01,124
We should've given him the money.
157
00:07:01,118 --> 00:07:03,158
Drinks! You sort the table,
I'll get the drinks.
158
00:07:03,162 --> 00:07:05,292
Dinner is imminent. "Imminent"?
159
00:07:05,286 --> 00:07:07,686
Imminent. That's right.
I said it right.
160
00:07:07,691 --> 00:07:09,741
Uh, can I have a glass
of champs, please?
161
00:07:09,735 --> 00:07:11,455
Do you want a glass of champs, Suze?
162
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:12,698
Water.
163
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:13,980
Are you serious?
164
00:07:13,983 --> 00:07:15,953
Yeah, I've got to
drive in the morning
165
00:07:15,947 --> 00:07:18,227
and I've got a meeting
tomorrow afternoon.
166
00:07:18,231 --> 00:07:19,791
Is sparkling all right, then, Suze?
167
00:07:19,794 --> 00:07:22,524
Yeah, sparkling is great.
It's never stopped you before.
168
00:07:22,519 --> 00:07:24,279
That's mad. Are you on antibiotics?
169
00:07:24,283 --> 00:07:25,933
You can drink on those.
170
00:07:25,926 --> 00:07:27,406
If you get the balance right,
171
00:07:27,408 --> 00:07:30,088
it gives you quite like a nice,
warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn't it?
172
00:07:30,094 --> 00:07:31,944
Uh-huh. Where's Suzie gone?
173
00:07:31,937 --> 00:07:33,977
Are you an android?
Like a Black Mirror episode.
174
00:07:33,981 --> 00:07:35,831
You're the waiter, you should be
doing this.
175
00:07:35,825 --> 00:07:37,905
Some wine, please.
Cos you've got work tomorrow?!
176
00:07:37,908 --> 00:07:39,788
Yeah, I've got a meeting I need to
be fresh for!
177
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,162
Do you go round the table with a
pepper grinder, like that?
178
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:44,517
No, cos I'm not a waiter, I'm a
manager. Where's Suze gone?
179
00:07:44,521 --> 00:07:46,971
I have been for eight years.
I just want to be fresh tomorrow.
180
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,606
Where's my Suzie gone?
This is so weird!
181
00:07:48,609 --> 00:07:50,289
What is the minimum wage? I don't
know.
182
00:07:50,292 --> 00:07:52,102
Why don't you ask anyone that works
for you.
183
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:53,375
Oh!
184
00:07:53,378 --> 00:07:54,698
That is... That's quite good.
185
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,870
Yeah, cos you asked me that,
I had that in my pocket.
186
00:07:56,865 --> 00:07:58,225
No, she's not drinking. Huh?
187
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,307
She's not drinking.
Don't you think that's mad?
188
00:08:00,311 --> 00:08:02,201
What, is she pregnant? No!
Are you pregnant?
189
00:08:02,195 --> 00:08:03,515
No! You're not pregnant? No?
190
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,997
No. Definitely not?
191
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,080
No, I'm not.
192
00:08:07,084 --> 00:08:08,414
But...
193
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,020
Um... What are you doing?
Well, we... Ah-bu-bu!
194
00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:15,695
You know, because everyone's here,
so we... What are you doing?
195
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,620
It's not a big deal.
It's not the time.
196
00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:19,434
We... Suzie, don't.
Stop it. Oh, boy.
197
00:08:19,427 --> 00:08:20,987
We are
198
00:08:20,990 --> 00:08:23,760
trying for a baby.
199
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,120
Oh, my God!
200
00:08:28,124 --> 00:08:30,094
That's absolutely brilliant.
201
00:08:30,088 --> 00:08:33,568
Yeah! My God.
Mate, that's amazing news!
202
00:08:33,574 --> 00:08:35,104
Aw, God! Sorry. Hey...
203
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,497
Do you know what, I've just...
204
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:39,190
Oh, God, my nail...
Clipped it on something.
205
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,265
Oh, my... You all right, babe?
206
00:08:41,269 --> 00:08:42,629
I'll go check.
207
00:08:44,435 --> 00:08:46,955
Are you sure you want to have
his kid? Is it OK that I said?
208
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
Yeah, it'll have to be,
won't it? Suze?
209
00:08:48,964 --> 00:08:50,374
Mm-hm? Are you sure?
210
00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:51,686
It's good. Yeah, I'm excited.
211
00:08:51,689 --> 00:08:53,209
Look, I'm sorry.
212
00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:56,262
Get away from me now.
213
00:08:56,258 --> 00:08:57,738
We've been having tons of sex.
214
00:08:57,740 --> 00:08:59,740
We've been shagging like
rabbits, haven't we?
215
00:08:59,744 --> 00:09:02,794
In fact, the other day,
we did it in the toilet at Costa.
216
00:09:02,790 --> 00:09:05,200
Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, you know,
when we have to do it...
217
00:09:05,195 --> 00:09:07,475
..we have to do it.
218
00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:21,313
Oi!
219
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:30,155
You know I've got an
ear infection, you dick!
220
00:09:30,162 --> 00:09:32,372
Yes!
221
00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:36,210
You threw that like Mr Burns then.
222
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,474
What a weird thing to say.
223
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:55,928
That was delicious.
224
00:09:55,931 --> 00:09:58,981
Oh, God, no, I totally
overdid the beef.
225
00:09:58,977 --> 00:10:02,857
Bloody Blumen Hestonthal
said half an hour per kilo,
226
00:10:02,864 --> 00:10:05,274
which is just utter lies.
Heston Blumenthal.
227
00:10:05,269 --> 00:10:07,949
Heston Blumenthal, whatever is.
Yes, it was a bit tough.
228
00:10:07,954 --> 00:10:10,004
It was like you needed a
chainsaw to cut through.
229
00:10:09,998 --> 00:10:12,078
Well, you cook next time.
I was joking!
230
00:10:12,082 --> 00:10:13,532
No, you weren't.
231
00:10:15,288 --> 00:10:17,008
Right, give me that.
232
00:10:17,011 --> 00:10:19,621
Oh, God. No, please, don't.
I'll sort the dishwasher out.
233
00:10:19,616 --> 00:10:20,976
You OK? Yeah, you? Mm-hm.
234
00:10:20,979 --> 00:10:23,459
Alex, have you seen the results
today? Oh, no, come on...
235
00:10:23,464 --> 00:10:26,034
What? I'll help. No, no. Honestly?
236
00:10:27,712 --> 00:10:30,642
So, anyway, the other day,
you'll never believe this...
237
00:10:30,637 --> 00:10:32,157
Get a load of this.
238
00:10:34,805 --> 00:10:36,965
Fucking hell!
I know. Who's that?
239
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,529
Met her on Tinder.
She works at the village shop.
240
00:10:39,534 --> 00:10:41,424
Kelly. How old is she?
241
00:10:41,418 --> 00:10:43,658
25. 20-fucking-five!
242
00:10:43,662 --> 00:10:45,512
She wants my dick, basically.
243
00:10:45,506 --> 00:10:48,026
And I don't know whether
to give it to her or not.
244
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:50,190
I mean, her like that,
245
00:10:50,194 --> 00:10:52,964
I'd say there with make-up on,
all, like, dressed up,
246
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,040
she's like... Nine.
Nine and a half, mate.
247
00:10:55,044 --> 00:10:57,854
But like, without make-up, she's
still a good eight, solid eight.
248
00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:59,289
Oh, she went to, um...
249
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,062
Oh, my God, Katie!
250
00:11:01,055 --> 00:11:02,695
Who was it that she, um...
251
00:11:02,698 --> 00:11:06,148
The tutor. Yeah.
God, he was a real...
252
00:11:06,145 --> 00:11:08,185
He always used to give
her, like, top marks.
253
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:11,069
Cheating bastard! I know.
254
00:11:11,074 --> 00:11:12,844
I mean, this is like
the stuff of fantasy.
255
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,718
I mean, your fantasies.
This is my reality.
256
00:11:14,721 --> 00:11:17,291
This is what I've got to live with,
mate. This is what happens.
257
00:11:17,286 --> 00:11:19,606
If you're me, this is what
you have to deal with. Right.
258
00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:22,580
Ah, well, I guess you'll just have
to live vicariously through me, eh?
259
00:11:22,576 --> 00:11:24,176
Mm. Look!
260
00:11:24,179 --> 00:11:25,659
Babe? Um...
261
00:11:25,662 --> 00:11:28,512
I think I'm feeling a bit
jet-lagged. Oh, shit. You all right?
262
00:11:28,507 --> 00:11:29,947
Yeah, I'm fine. I just...
263
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:32,320
I think maybe I should have
a lie-down or something,
264
00:11:32,315 --> 00:11:34,755
close my eyes for a second.
You can use our room if you want.
265
00:11:34,759 --> 00:11:36,759
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Is that all right? Yeah.
266
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:39,093
Do you want to lie down? Yeah.
267
00:11:39,088 --> 00:11:41,368
Yeah, I'm fine. I just need
a lie-down. Is that OK?
268
00:11:41,372 --> 00:11:43,942
Yeah, that's fine. I've got... I've
run out of paracetamol,
269
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,777
but I'll go to the
shop and get some more. Yeah?
270
00:11:46,782 --> 00:11:48,272
Thank you.
271
00:11:48,265 --> 00:11:49,985
OK, cool.
272
00:11:49,988 --> 00:11:51,268
Is that all right?
273
00:11:51,271 --> 00:11:54,321
Oh, my God, yeah, of cour...
Is that OK? Yeah, go lie down. OK.
274
00:11:54,317 --> 00:11:56,917
Oh, I hope you feel better soon.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
275
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,206
Are you going to come with me?
Oh, yeah.
276
00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,730
Mm-hm. Yep, yep, yep, yep. OK?
277
00:12:36,276 --> 00:12:38,916
Oh! Hi, guys, I'm sorry. This is
really, really embarrassing.
278
00:12:38,921 --> 00:12:41,771
Ollie's next door, and if I can
hear everything downstairs,
279
00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:43,967
he's going to be able to hear.
Yep. I'm sorry.
280
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,021
So do you mind not?
281
00:12:51,265 --> 00:12:52,865
Can you go talk to her?
282
00:12:54,912 --> 00:12:56,482
Nic...
283
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,355
Are you OK?
284
00:12:58,358 --> 00:13:00,398
Come on, talk to me.
285
00:13:00,402 --> 00:13:02,972
It's OK, you can talk to me.
Come in here.
286
00:13:12,545 --> 00:13:13,945
Will you talk to me? Get off!
287
00:13:13,948 --> 00:13:16,748
Stop it!
Nic, I'm sorry. Talk to me.
288
00:13:16,753 --> 00:13:18,923
You were upstairs having
sex with her! Just...
289
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,931
Oh, God.
290
00:13:22,925 --> 00:13:25,405
Just so angry at you.
291
00:13:25,410 --> 00:13:26,770
I know. I'm sorry.
292
00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:37,430
I don't want babies.
293
00:13:39,397 --> 00:13:41,157
Unless it's with you.
294
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,920
I don't want Suzie. I want you.
295
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,728
It's always been you.
296
00:13:47,732 --> 00:13:49,582
I love you.
297
00:13:49,576 --> 00:13:51,736
Do you know what I
fantasise about the most?
298
00:13:53,864 --> 00:13:57,154
I don't know. Just doing
a Sunday big shop with you.
299
00:13:59,194 --> 00:14:01,084
That's... That's insane.
300
00:14:07,049 --> 00:14:08,569
I love you.
301
00:14:08,572 --> 00:14:10,742
But we just have to get
through today, OK? OK.
302
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,058
Then we'll come up with a plan.
Mm-hm.
303
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,432
OK? Just today.
I just want to be with you.
304
00:14:17,429 --> 00:14:18,789
I love you.
305
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,351
I love you.
306
00:14:44,961 --> 00:14:46,321
I love you.
307
00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:49,287
Is the cat watching?
308
00:14:51,093 --> 00:14:53,383
Yeah!
309
00:14:54,459 --> 00:14:57,099
He's in his dinosaur...
Fucking hell.
310
00:15:07,564 --> 00:15:09,614
Promise?
311
00:15:18,946 --> 00:15:20,866
Mate, um...
312
00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:23,760
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
313
00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:26,558
Such a greedy guts, that cat!
314
00:15:29,085 --> 00:15:30,405
Right.
315
00:15:38,744 --> 00:15:40,434
You all right, mate?
316
00:15:40,427 --> 00:15:41,987
Yeah. Do you want a beer?
317
00:15:51,328 --> 00:15:53,848
Go on, then, greedy guts.
318
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,262
You've not been very good, have you?
319
00:15:56,257 --> 00:15:58,457
Let's get rid of you, then.
320
00:16:00,866 --> 00:16:02,906
Mum, you're a really good cook.
321
00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:04,910
Why can't you cook
like this all the time?
322
00:16:04,913 --> 00:16:07,243
I'm actually in shock.
That was so good.
323
00:16:07,238 --> 00:16:10,238
The pancakes were almost
as good as McDonald's.
324
00:16:10,244 --> 00:16:12,454
Right, Harry, do you
want to go do your teeth?
325
00:16:12,448 --> 00:16:14,488
OK.
326
00:16:14,492 --> 00:16:15,852
Ollie?
327
00:16:15,854 --> 00:16:17,264
Yeah?
328
00:16:17,257 --> 00:16:18,777
Am I a bad mum?
329
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:20,380
No!
330
00:16:20,383 --> 00:16:22,873
Don't be s... No. You're...
331
00:16:22,868 --> 00:16:24,628
You know, you...
332
00:16:24,631 --> 00:16:26,801
You're a great mum. Really?
333
00:16:26,795 --> 00:16:28,795
Think of all the
stuff you let me do.
334
00:16:28,799 --> 00:16:31,679
Remember that time when you
let me slide down the stairs
335
00:16:31,684 --> 00:16:34,094
on a baking tray?
Your head battered the door.
336
00:16:34,089 --> 00:16:35,729
I did, but it was funny.
337
00:16:35,732 --> 00:16:38,582
And the time when I put firecrackers
338
00:16:38,578 --> 00:16:40,498
in the pizza oven
in the back garden.
339
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,901
OK, that's enough, I think.
340
00:16:41,904 --> 00:16:44,314
Or the time when you
stuck a GoPro to my head
341
00:16:44,308 --> 00:16:46,588
and forced me into the badger sett.
342
00:16:48,156 --> 00:16:50,596
Oh, my God! Oh!
343
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,400
Do you want a lift?
Do I want a lift?
344
00:16:52,404 --> 00:16:53,734
Now she's offering!
345
00:16:53,726 --> 00:16:56,726
What's the difference between
a golf ball and a clitoris?
346
00:16:56,732 --> 00:16:59,502
Whoa, whoa, whoa! A man will
actually look for a golf ball!
347
00:16:59,497 --> 00:17:02,377
We've got kids in the back!
Right, they hear everything.
348
00:17:02,383 --> 00:17:05,233
No, Ollie, it's actually
pronounced the cli-taurus
349
00:17:05,228 --> 00:17:07,108
the Mitsubishi Clitaurus.
350
00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:08,562
Is it anything like the Outlander?
351
00:17:08,555 --> 00:17:10,635
It's much smaller
than the Outlander.
352
00:17:10,639 --> 00:17:12,879
No, this'll be here...
This is fine here.
353
00:17:12,883 --> 00:17:15,053
Do you know what? It's a
bit chilly so, what I'll do,
354
00:17:15,047 --> 00:17:16,887
I'll get you right round
to the entrance.
355
00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:19,380
No, just here will be fine.
No, it's fine!
356
00:17:19,375 --> 00:17:22,335
Oh! Oh, for God's sake!
357
00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:24,471
No, it's absolutely... I'm sorry.
For God's sake!
358
00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:26,825
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You big oaf!
What did you do that for?
359
00:17:26,829 --> 00:17:29,189
I've got it here. I've got it.
It's fine.
360
00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:31,924
It's fine. There we go.
Sometimes I could kill her!
361
00:17:33,121 --> 00:17:34,561
Need a hand?
362
00:17:34,564 --> 00:17:36,854
No, no, no, no, no. You sure?
It's fine.
363
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:39,088
There's absolutely
nothing wrong with it.
364
00:17:39,093 --> 00:17:41,383
Are you all right?
365
00:17:41,377 --> 00:17:43,697
Oh, Ollie, are you all right?
I'm all right.
366
00:17:43,702 --> 00:17:46,072
Hi! Thanks for the help.
367
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,466
Oh, no, you're very welcome.
368
00:17:47,469 --> 00:17:50,469
God! Let me help.
You've made me all stressed out.
369
00:17:50,474 --> 00:17:53,444
I know, I know. You're all
fingers and thumbs, aren't you?
370
00:17:58,329 --> 00:17:59,649
Oh, my God.
371
00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:06,710
Oh, I can't do this. All right,
you're going to be all right.
372
00:18:06,705 --> 00:18:09,945
No, I can't do this.
You can. I can't!
373
00:18:09,951 --> 00:18:12,241
You'll be fine. You've got to
come in with me. I-I c...
374
00:18:12,236 --> 00:18:13,916
You have to!
Dan'll have a fit if I go...
375
00:18:13,919 --> 00:18:16,809
I'm going to have a panic attack!
All right, OK. OK, OK. Just breathe.
376
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:19,325
You just need to breathe.
I really need a wee, I'm... OK.
377
00:18:19,329 --> 00:18:21,449
Right, we'll go in.
Are you going to be OK?
378
00:18:21,453 --> 00:18:24,023
I'll see you in there.
Yeah, I'll see.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
379
00:18:24,018 --> 00:18:25,618
Oh, God.
380
00:18:38,085 --> 00:18:39,645
I love you, you knob.
381
00:18:45,219 --> 00:18:47,059
OK, OK, you're going to be OK.
382
00:18:47,062 --> 00:18:48,792
You're going to be OK.
383
00:18:48,785 --> 00:18:51,145
OK.
384
00:18:51,150 --> 00:18:53,470
And then Dan
met Nic and I thought,
385
00:18:53,474 --> 00:18:56,404
"Holy shit, he's done it,
he's found the one.
386
00:18:58,283 --> 00:18:59,853
"He's found a unicorn."
387
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,587
Suze.
388
00:19:33,591 --> 00:19:35,231
Why were you there that night?
389
00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:39,679
I've...
390
00:19:39,682 --> 00:19:42,812
I've told you. No, you never
did tell me why you were there.
391
00:19:45,413 --> 00:19:47,663
Yeah, I have. Nic...
392
00:19:47,657 --> 00:19:49,577
..why?
393
00:19:49,581 --> 00:19:51,871
Was it me?
394
00:19:51,865 --> 00:19:53,745
Was it because I
was working so much?
395
00:19:53,749 --> 00:19:54,949
Oh, God, no.
396
00:19:56,434 --> 00:19:58,364
I miss you.
397
00:19:58,358 --> 00:19:59,798
I really miss you.
398
00:20:01,844 --> 00:20:04,694
But I really, really,
399
00:20:04,690 --> 00:20:08,380
really fucking hate you.
400
00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:23,653
Alex?
401
00:20:31,781 --> 00:20:34,831
Get this! Nic, Nic, Nic!
402
00:20:34,827 --> 00:20:36,627
Thank you, thank you.
403
00:20:36,631 --> 00:20:38,761
Thank you for coming.
How did you know Alex?
404
00:20:38,755 --> 00:20:40,235
W-Who's Alex?
405
00:20:40,238 --> 00:20:41,558
For fuck's sake.
406
00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:48,570
I cut up a quiche.
407
00:20:48,573 --> 00:20:50,343
Fuck off, fuckwad.
408
00:20:57,230 --> 00:21:00,880
So, Dan tells me he's desperately
unhappy in his marriage.
409
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,680
Hello, everyone. Hi. Um...
410
00:21:04,684 --> 00:21:07,374
Guys, if you're at the back and
want to sit down, take a seat,
411
00:21:07,369 --> 00:21:10,259
or feel free to stand.
That's absolutely fine. Thanks.
412
00:21:12,098 --> 00:21:14,458
Hi, everyone. Um...
413
00:21:14,463 --> 00:21:16,433
Just want to start by
thanking you all, really.
414
00:21:16,426 --> 00:21:19,426
Warm welcome to the professional
mourners from the temp agency.
415
00:21:19,432 --> 00:21:21,082
Great job. Um...
416
00:21:21,075 --> 00:21:23,675
I hope you're all
enjoying the crisps.
417
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,840
Um... Apologies for
Nic's potato salad.
418
00:21:25,844 --> 00:21:29,374
And please don't feel obliged
to eat it. It's horrible.
419
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,381
In fact, Mum, can you just get
rid of it? Can you bin it?
420
00:21:32,377 --> 00:21:34,897
Potato salad.
421
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,152
Look, there's two. Get them out.
422
00:21:38,148 --> 00:21:42,278
I always used to play this prank
on Alex when we were kids,
423
00:21:42,276 --> 00:21:47,006
where I'd put loads of balloons
up and down the stairs,
424
00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:50,125
and then I'd tell him,
"It's your birthday!"
425
00:21:50,131 --> 00:21:52,221
And he'd get all
excited and he'd be,
426
00:21:52,215 --> 00:21:54,335
"It's my birthday,
it's my birthday!"
427
00:21:54,339 --> 00:21:57,059
And then he'd just run down
the stairs and burst in
428
00:21:57,064 --> 00:21:59,674
full of excitement
into the living room,
429
00:21:59,669 --> 00:22:02,959
and he'd just find Mum sat there
watching a clothes show...
430
00:22:02,955 --> 00:22:04,195
And, um...
431
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,051
..I just...
432
00:22:09,848 --> 00:22:12,688
I just
want to say sorry.
433
00:22:12,694 --> 00:22:14,264
I'm sorry. I just, um...
434
00:22:16,060 --> 00:22:18,630
I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't...
435
00:22:18,625 --> 00:22:21,825
I didn't...
436
00:22:25,919 --> 00:22:27,799
Sorry for that.
437
00:22:27,802 --> 00:22:29,172
I'm so sorry.
438
00:22:33,413 --> 00:22:34,903
So sorry.
439
00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:47,517
Um...
440
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:51,210
Alex really was so...
441
00:22:52,850 --> 00:22:54,130
..loved.
442
00:22:56,497 --> 00:22:57,897
By everyone.
443
00:22:59,903 --> 00:23:01,193
Um...
444
00:23:07,598 --> 00:23:09,518
Nic.
445
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:13,292
Why don't you come up here
and share something?
446
00:23:13,289 --> 00:23:15,129
Come on, Nic.
447
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,222
I'm sure you've got
something to say about Alex.
448
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,260
Just...
449
00:23:23,067 --> 00:23:24,507
Oh, my God.
450
00:23:28,358 --> 00:23:29,638
Um...
451
00:23:32,606 --> 00:23:34,846
Oh, my God.
452
00:23:34,850 --> 00:23:36,490
Oh, God. Oh, God.
453
00:23:38,777 --> 00:23:41,297
Um...
454
00:23:41,302 --> 00:23:44,992
We're all here today to...
455
00:23:46,071 --> 00:23:47,671
Um...
456
00:23:49,758 --> 00:23:51,998
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
457
00:23:52,003 --> 00:23:54,013
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
458
00:23:55,088 --> 00:23:57,128
Um...
459
00:23:57,132 --> 00:23:59,822
Go on, then, greedy guts.
460
00:23:59,817 --> 00:24:02,097
You've not been
very good, have you?
461
00:24:02,102 --> 00:24:03,422
Let's get rid of you, then.
462
00:24:03,424 --> 00:24:04,834
Um...
463
00:24:06,630 --> 00:24:09,520
Sorry we're late. Sorry.
464
00:24:09,516 --> 00:24:11,836
You've got something
that belongs to us.
465
00:24:13,844 --> 00:24:15,094
Um...
466
00:24:18,252 --> 00:24:20,222
Um...
467
00:24:20,216 --> 00:24:22,656
Sorry. Um...
468
00:24:22,661 --> 00:24:23,981
What's wrong? What happened?
469
00:24:23,983 --> 00:24:25,633
What do you mean?
How long has it been?
470
00:24:25,627 --> 00:24:27,107
You don't still see him, do you?
471
00:24:30,476 --> 00:24:33,436
You need to let these things out.
You'll go mad.
472
00:24:33,441 --> 00:24:36,691
I've got an ear infection, you dick!
473
00:24:36,688 --> 00:24:39,248
Come on, Nic, get
to the juicy bits!
474
00:24:39,252 --> 00:24:41,902
Nic! Nic! Nic!
475
00:24:48,029 --> 00:24:49,549
Nic! Nic! Nic!
476
00:24:50,554 --> 00:24:52,044
Yeah, so, um...
477
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:57,729
..the last, um...time I saw Alex...
478
00:24:59,010 --> 00:25:00,050
Ah...
479
00:25:01,134 --> 00:25:02,624
And, um...
480
00:25:07,146 --> 00:25:08,346
Oh!
481
00:25:10,512 --> 00:25:12,082
Oi, see that!
482
00:25:12,075 --> 00:25:13,595
You threw that like Mr Burns then!
483
00:25:17,245 --> 00:25:18,525
There's a pound. What?
484
00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:21,047
I'm going to get you a pound
for Christmas. What are you doing?
485
00:25:21,052 --> 00:25:23,342
No, don't do that.
You'll get run over. No!
486
00:25:23,336 --> 00:25:25,056
Get off it. Help.
487
00:25:25,060 --> 00:25:28,270
Help yourself, you fat fuck!
488
00:25:28,266 --> 00:25:31,666
Dodgy breath.
I love you, you knob.
489
00:25:31,672 --> 00:25:34,362
Come back to mine,
we'll get a bath together.
490
00:25:34,357 --> 00:25:36,717
What?
491
00:25:38,686 --> 00:25:40,166
Train's here.
492
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:43,011
Alex?
493
00:25:45,298 --> 00:25:47,338
Hey.
494
00:25:47,342 --> 00:25:48,542
What are you doing here?
495
00:25:48,544 --> 00:25:50,194
"Ghosting me?
496
00:25:50,187 --> 00:25:51,787
"Being a fuckboy?
497
00:25:51,791 --> 00:25:54,121
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
498
00:25:54,115 --> 00:25:56,235
It was a j... It was a joke.
499
00:25:56,239 --> 00:25:57,839
Oh, Nic...
500
00:25:57,842 --> 00:25:59,772
What? What?
501
00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:03,648
Look, I got, like,
no sleep last night
502
00:26:03,653 --> 00:26:07,743
and I just wanted to say
that maybe it's a good time
503
00:26:07,741 --> 00:26:09,341
for us to come clean about it,
504
00:26:09,344 --> 00:26:12,274
because now, you know,
now Ollie knows.
505
00:26:12,270 --> 00:26:14,510
Did you think about Ollie once
in the last seven years?
506
00:26:14,514 --> 00:26:16,604
Yeah, of course I have.
Of course I have.
507
00:26:16,598 --> 00:26:19,358
No, I just wanted to, um, say,
508
00:26:19,363 --> 00:26:22,053
"Ollie, it's because we're in
love with each other, and..."
509
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:23,648
I can't fucking do this.
510
00:26:25,895 --> 00:26:28,535
I mean, do you think there's
something special about you, Nic?
511
00:26:28,540 --> 00:26:29,900
Do you?
512
00:26:29,903 --> 00:26:32,193
I mean, fucking come on.
513
00:26:32,187 --> 00:26:34,947
It's never been about you.
514
00:26:34,953 --> 00:26:37,723
It's always been about my brother.
515
00:26:37,718 --> 00:26:39,438
I can't stand Dan.
516
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:42,454
And I can't stress that enough.
517
00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:45,527
It has never, ever
once been about you.
518
00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:49,857
And me and Suzie,
519
00:26:49,861 --> 00:26:51,871
we're going to have a kid,
520
00:26:51,865 --> 00:26:54,825
and I'm not going to
let this fuck with that.
521
00:26:54,831 --> 00:26:57,641
And do you know what? I'm going to
be a better fucking parent than you,
522
00:26:57,636 --> 00:26:59,076
because it's not hard, is it?
523
00:26:59,079 --> 00:27:01,199
No, Alex, I know you're
doing this... Nic...
524
00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:03,453
..because you're trying
to push me away. Nic...
525
00:27:03,447 --> 00:27:06,607
And I know that you love me.
Listen, get your hands off me.
526
00:27:06,613 --> 00:27:08,903
Go home to your fucking family.
527
00:27:08,897 --> 00:27:10,177
OK? Pfft.
528
00:27:14,909 --> 00:27:16,509
Do you know what?
The sex was fine...
529
00:27:18,556 --> 00:27:20,636
..but I think you
should lose some weight.
530
00:27:28,254 --> 00:27:29,904
Open the door. Fuck.
531
00:27:29,897 --> 00:27:32,297
Open the fucking door!
532
00:27:32,302 --> 00:27:34,672
Open the fucking door!
533
00:27:36,710 --> 00:27:38,270
Fucking kill you! Open the...
534
00:27:42,441 --> 00:27:44,531
Open the fucking door!
535
00:27:44,525 --> 00:27:46,205
Open the fucking...
536
00:27:46,208 --> 00:27:48,768
Stop the train!
537
00:27:49,935 --> 00:27:51,335
Fucking! No!
538
00:27:54,504 --> 00:27:57,194
Stop the train!
539
00:27:57,189 --> 00:27:58,309
Nic!
540
00:27:59,514 --> 00:28:01,404
Pull the cord!
541
00:28:01,397 --> 00:28:03,557
Pull it now, you stupid bitch!
542
00:28:44,038 --> 00:28:45,238
Um...
543
00:28:46,804 --> 00:28:49,014
# I'm sorry
544
00:28:50,090 --> 00:28:53,340
# So sorry
545
00:28:53,336 --> 00:28:59,026
# Please accept my apology
546
00:28:59,027 --> 00:29:02,827
# But love was blind
547
00:29:02,834 --> 00:29:09,854
# And I was too blind to see
548
00:29:09,847 --> 00:29:13,447
# Sorry. #
549
00:29:13,497 --> 00:29:18,047
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